Farce of Nature by Jessie Jones Nicholas Hope Jamie Wooten

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FARCE OF NATURE

BY JESSIE JONES NICHOLAS HOPE JAMIE WOOTEN

DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE INC. FARCE OF NATURE — JONES, HOPE, WOOTEN FARCE OF NATURE

BY JESSIE JONES NICHOLAS HOPE JAMIE WOOTEN

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of FARCE OF NATURE is subject to payment of a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan- American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including without limitation professional/amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical, electronic and digital reproduction, transmission and distribution, such as CD, DVD, the Internet, private and fle-sharing networks, information storage and retrieval systems, photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the Author’s agent in writing. Te stage performance rights throughout the world for FARCE OF NATURE (including frst and second class rights) are controlled exclusively by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. No professional or nonprofessional performance of the Play may be given without obtaining in advance the written permission of DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., and paying the requisite fee. Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to the Authors c/o Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. SPECIAL NOTE Anyone receiving permission to produce FARCE OF NATURE is required to give credit to the Author(s) as sole and exclusive Author(s) of the Play on the title page of all programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears, including printed or digital materials for advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production thereof. Please see your production license for font size and typeface requirements. Be advised that there may be additional credits required in all programs and promotional material. Such language will be listed under the “Additional Billing” section of production licenses. It is the licensee’s responsibility to ensure any and all required billing is included in the requisite places, per the terms of the license. SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS AND RECORDINGS For performances of copyrighted songs, arrangements or recordings mentioned in these Plays, the permission of the copyright owner(s) must be obtained. Other songs, arrangements or recordings may be substituted provided permission from the copyright owner(s) of such songs, arrangements or recordings is obtained; or songs, arrangements or recordings in the public domain may be substituted.

2 We dedicate this play, with love, to our dear friend Kathy O’Callaghan. AUTHORS’ NOTES

We suggest up-tempo music be played pre- and post-show, at intermission, and especially during scene transitions.

Any animal sounds used should never overlap dialogue.

All of the characters portrayed in FARCE OF NATURE are fctional creations, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

4 FARCE OF NATURE received its world premiere at Pintello Comedy Teater in Gilroy, California, on May 9, 2014. It was produced by Rod and Marion Pintello and directed by Marion Pintello; the technical director was Charley Gilmore; the set design was by Whitney Pintello; the house manager was Simon Pintello; and the original Jones Hope Wooten show logo was designed by Joe Connor. Te cast was as follows:

WANELLE WILBURN ...... April Ouellette D. GENE WILBURN ...... Jim McCann JENNA SEALY ...... Sarah Smith MAXIE WILBURN SUGGS ...... Maureen Haney CARMINE DeLUCA ...... Rob Langford TY WILBURN ...... Tyler Savin LOLA BARBOSA ...... Rachel Perry SONNY BARBOSA ...... Michael Perry ROXANNE THORNE ...... Terri Faus

5 CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)

WANELLE WILBURN D. GENE WILBURN JENNA SEALY MAXIE WILBURN SUGGS CARMINE DeLUCA TY WILBURN LOLA BARBOSA SONNY BARBOSA ROXANNE THORNE

PLACE

Main lobby of a small fshing lodge in the Ozark Mountains, Arkansas.

TIME

Te present.

6 FARCE OF NATURE

ACT ONE

Scene 1

Lights up on the lobby of the Reel ’Em Inn, a rustic, family- owned fshing lodge on Lake Lorraine in the beautiful Ozarks. Te main entrance is upstage center. Upstage left is the door to owners’ living quarters. On the stage left wall is a swinging door to the kitchen. A window with foor-length drapery panels on either side is on the stage right wall; “trees” are visible outside. Downstage right a door leads to the guest wing. Te registration desk is downstage left; a small, colorful, and very unattractive abstract painting hangs behind it. Downstage left is an easy chair and a small side table. A two-seater couch sits stage right. Wanelle Wilburn, 50s, a determined ball of fre, enters upstage left door humming, dressed in a sexy negligee and matching robe, ready for romance. She squirts perfume into the air, strikes a sexy pose, puts her foot on the couch, exposes her leg, notices a varicose vein, decides against it. She then leans provocatively against the registration desk, gets a cramp in her back, ditches that idea, too. Finally, removes her slippers, places herself across the couch in a “come-hither” pose. Her husband, D. Gene Wilburn, 50s, a beleaguered, good- hearted guy, in full fshing gear, enters the stage left swinging door. He looks toward the couch, stops, gasps.

D. GENE. Wow! Is this my lucky day or what? WANELLE. (Pleased.) It could be … if you play your cards right, Big Fella.

7 D. GENE. You don’t know how bad I’ve wanted this! (She perks up as he hurries over, picks up a fshing reel next to Wanelle, admires it, oblivious to Wanelle’s intent.) I’ve looked all over the place for this little honey! (Wanelle wilts.) WANELLE. (Frustrated, to herself.) As usual, not even a nibble. D. GENE. Say, Babe, did I snore in bed last night? WANELLE. Trust me, you did absolutely nothing in bed last night. D. GENE. Great! Well, since we’re not expecting any guests, I’m going to hit the lake, catch us some lunch. See you in a few. (Pecks her cheek. Starts out, phone rings.) I’ll get it! (Races to desk, answers.) Reel ’Em Inn, D. Gene Wilburn, proprietor, speaking … (Wanelle, discouraged, half-heartedly straightens the room. D. Gene makes sure Wanelle’s not listening, lowers his voice.) I … I didn’t know you were already on your way … (Turns his back as Wanelle crosses to him.) No, leave it to me. I can handle her … Yeah … I’m eager to see you, too, Roxanne. (Hangs up, turns around, jumps, yelps to see Wanelle face-to-face.) WANELLE. Who was that? D. GENE. Uh … Avon lady. But I got rid of her ’cause, Baby, your kind of pretty doesn’t come in a jar. (Laughs feebly. Wanelle doesn’t respond. He scrambles.) Hey, how about you go into town and shop a couple of hours? And instead of fshing, I’ll clean up outside, cut the grass, spruce up the place. (Starts for door.) WANELLE. In thirty-two years of marriage, you’ve never once encouraged me to go shopping. (Suspicious.) What’s going on? D. GENE. You just deserve some time of. And treat yourself to a nice warm fannel nightgown, Wanelle. Shoot, if a guy catches you in that fimsy little thing you’ve got on, he might get ideas. (Quickly exits upstage center door.) WANELLE. Yeah, I’d sure hate for that to happen! (Kneels in front of couch, searches for her slippers. Jenna Sealy, 30, sweet, fresh-faced, enters stage left swinging door in a paint-splattered work shirt and jeans, carries a partially painted canvas and a can of paint brushes. Wanelle grunts as she hoists herself up from the foor, startles Jenna who screams, fings her paint brushes into the air, frightening Wanelle who also screams.) JENNA and WANELLE. What are you doing here? WANELLE. I thought I gave you the day of. JENNA. You did, but since there are no guests this weekend and I’m in the middle of the woods alone, painting seems to be the only

8 logical thing for me to do. (Sighs.) Ty’s been gone over six months and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever feel a man’s arms around me again. WANELLE. I know exactly how you feel. (Takes the painting, studies it.) Gee, you’re crankin’ ’em out, aren’t you? And I have to say, Jenna, you’ve gotten really good at this. JENNA. At least that’s one positive thing that’s come out of Ty being gone. WANELLE. (Puts her arm around Jenna.) It’s all going to work out. Tyler will come back for you. Hey, remember what I told you yesterday? JENNA. Either you love bacon … or you’re wrong? WANELLE. No, the other thing. JENNA. Oh. Tat you’re positive Ty is going to ask me to marry him. WANELLE. Absolutely. Just be patient. Tat baby boy of mine is following a dream. He wants to make something of himself, establish a secure fnancial future. JENNA. (Skeptical.) As an actor … in Chicago … in a dinner theatre?! WANELLE. Okay, maybe it’s not the best fnancial plan, but what matters is that we believe in him. He might even surprise us! (Exits stage left swinging door.) JENNA. (To herself.) After all this time, there’s not much that could surprise me. (Just then, Maxie Suggs, 60s, D. Gene’s sister, hearty, no-nonsense country woman, bursts through upstage center door, wears a security guard uniform and cowboy boots, brandishes a handgun.) MAXIE. Freeze! (Jenna screams.) JENNA. Miss Maxie! Scare me to death! MAXIE. Sorry, Little Darlin’. Just practicin’ my moves. JENNA. Why? Tey retired you last year. MAXIE. Yep, but once the dim-wit Police Chief fnally took a look at the ratio of bad guys to good, he came crawlin’ back. Tey can’t do without me. JENNA. Huh. You sure it wasn’t because they needed a sub when half the ofcers were taken out by the E. coli from their spaghetti supper? MAXIE. Tat might’ve been a small part of it, and it’s only ’til the boys get well, but still, they realize they need a sharp professional such as myself. By the way, if you see a box of bullets, give me a holler. I know they’re around here somewhere. JENNA. Oh, okay. And congratulations on the job. When do you start?

9 MAXIE. Just did. Witness protection. One Mr. Carmine DeLuca. Feller needed a safe house and I’m thinkin’ there’s not a safer place than my brother’s fshing lodge in Mayhew, Arkansas. I just have to keep this guy alive through the weekend when they’re gonna pick him up and take him wherever he’s goin’ next. Once that’s done, it’ll get me back on the force permanent. So, let me introduce you to — (Turns around, nobody’s there.) Huh! He was right behind me. (Goes to window, looks out.) You seen him? Oddball, real nervous type? (Carmine DeLuca, 40s, jittery, wise-guy from Chicago’s West Side, bursts through upstage center door, wild-eyed, horrifed. He wears a leather sports jacket, slacks, loafers.) CARMINE. What, I turn around, you’re gone? I coulda been killed out there! Te place is covered with those green — bushy — with the — sticks and little futtery — MAXIE. (Dry.) Trees? CARMINE. Yeah! Tose! Don’t be walkin’ of, leavin’ me out there in all that — MAXIE. (Dry.) Nature? CARMINE. Yeah! I hate nature. It’s outside. I don’t like outside. MAXIE. Huh. So, what do you like? CARMINE. Tall buildings, asphalt, civilization! JENNA. Maybe this will be a nice change for you, Mr. DeLuca. I’m Jenna Sealy. CARMINE. (Exasperated, to Maxie.) You told her my name?! What part of “Witness Protection” don’t you understand, Mammy Yokum? MAXIE. I believe, instead of disparagin’ remarks, what I should be hearin’ is, “Tank you, Ofcer Suggs, for puttin’ your life on the line, starin’ down death and mayhem to protect me and keep me safe.” CARMINE. Yeah?! Well, what I should be hearing is, “Tey’ll have to shoot me frst to get to you, Mr. DeLuca!” MAXIE. You know, I don’t believe a Yankee feller who’s spent the last fve years hidin’ out shouldn’t be so quick to get up on his high horse. CARMINE. What can I say, I got good refexes. JENNA. (Idea!) Tat’s it! Don’t worry Mr. DeLuca, your secret’s safe with us. We’ll just tell people you’re a … a … refex-ologist! MAXIE. Wow, good thinkin’! Don’t know what that is, but I like it! Refexologist. I’ll try to remember that … and where I put them bullets. CARMINE. Wait! Your gun’s not even loaded?!

10 MAXIE. Of course it is! (Looks down the gun barrel.) I know there’s at least one of them suckers in there. CARMINE. May I remind you there’s somebody out there who’d like to kill me! MAXIE. Yep, and I’m startin’ to understand why! JENNA. Excuse me, I’ll just go see if Room Two’s made up. Ooh, this is exciting! Except for when Junior Upchurch was trying to avoid jury duty, no one ever hid out here before. (Hurries out stage right door.) CARMINE. So, this is the South, huh? Tell me something, when a couple gets a divorce down here, are they still frst cousins? (Enjoys his own humor.) MAXIE. (Dry.) Yeah, I never get tired of that one. DeLuca, last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I swear, it’s movin’ up the list fast. CARMINE. (Glances around, shudders.) Look at this joint. So much wood! You people ever heard of plaster down here? And … (Re: painting above reception desk.) there! Tat picture. Who’d stick something like that on a wall? MAXIE. Hey, my brother gave that to his wife for their anniversary. CARMINE. What, he doesn’t like her? (Anxious. Sits on the couch, head in hands.) Man, I’ve got a real bad feelin’ about this whole deal. MAXIE. Relax, Hoss. Illinois’ protection program is just a little short of money, and while they get it together, me and Arkansas got your back. Yep, the boys are gonna eat a lotta crow when they see the bang-up job I’m doin’. Too old for the force, kiss my butt! I’ll show ’em what a capable woman in uniform can do. CARMINE. So, you’re a woman, huh? Could I get that in writing? MAXIE. And you’re tellin’ me you’re some kind of tough guy? CARMINE. You better believe it! When you grow up on the streets of Chicago, you grow up fast and you grow up hard. Tough is my middle name. (Wanelle, now in slacks and a shirt, bursts in stage left swinging door, carries a bowl of pretzels.) WANELLE. Hey, Maxie! (Carmine squeals, drops to the foor behind the couch.) What’re you doing here? MAXIE. I brought you a guest. (Wanelle looks around. Nothing.) Over here! (Tey cross to the couch, lean over it, look down.) Carmine Tough DeLuca, this is my sister-in-law, Wanelle Wilburn. She and my brother own this lodge. CARMINE. (Rises sheepishly.) I … uh … had to tie my shoe. How ya doin’?

11 WANELLE. Tanks for the business, Maxie! (To Carmine.) Welcome to the fnest family fshing lodge in the Ozarks, Mr. DeLuca. Do you fsh? CARMINE. Where? You mean … like … outside? WANELLE. Traditionally that is where we keep the fsh. MAXIE. Oh, yeah. He’s gonna love fshin’; he’s a real nature boy. Jenna’s checking out Room Two for him. WANELLE. It’s ready. Just go through that door, frst room on your left. MAXIE. You might fnd a cricket or salamander or two in there, so look sharp. CARMINE. (Horrifed.) Salamander?! Tat some kind of snake? MAXIE. (Ushers him to the door.) Sorta. But don’t worry, you’ll be dead before you even know he bit you. (Rattled, he hurries out stage right door. Maxie shoots Wanelle a look.) It’s fun screwin’ with city-folks’ heads. WANELLE. Well, it’s good to have a hobby. (Crosses to the couch, munches a pretzel.) Mine’s eatin’ to forget. MAXIE. Okay, I’ll play. What’s D. Gene done now? WANELLE. It’s more like what he hasn’t done. (Chomps another pretzel as Jenna hustles in stage right door.) JENNA. Maxie, you are so right. Tat man is a walkin’, talkin’ panic attack! He’s tearing through the drawers and closet muttering something about killer snakes. MAXIE. Good. It’ll keep him outta my hair a while. Now, listen, girls, since we’re fnally alone, I have something to tell y’all — Ty’s coming home! Today! JENNA. (Squeals.) Today?! Tat’s wonderful! It’s the best news I’ve had since — Hold on! Ty didn’t tell me he’s coming. WANELLE. He didn’t tell me, either. (Tey turn to Maxie.) So, how is it neither his mother or girlfriend was told about this very important development, but you were? Have you been meddling?! MAXIE. If it’s for the common good, it ain’t meddlin’. (Takes a pretzel from Wanelle’s bowl, eats.) Lookin’ at Jenna’s long, lonesome face every day since Ty left is about to drive me to distraction. (Takes another pretzel, munches.) And girls, I know lonesome inside out. Ever since my beloved Merwyn died, me and lonesome’s been (Holds up two fngers together.) just like this. I’ll never forget his last words. He looked up and said, “Max, through all the bad times you were there. When I got fred you were there. When I

12 got run over by that tractor you were there. And here you are in this hospital with me. Know what, Shug?” I leant down close, said, “What, Darlin’?” He whispered, “I’m startin’ to think you’re bad luck.” WANELLE. (Wipes a tear.) Tat part always gets to me. MAXIE. And then … he was gone. I’ve missed him every minute of every day since. (To Jenna.) And I don’t want you to sufer the way I have, Shug. So I just called Ty and told the boy he needed to come home. (Takes the bowl, sits on couch.) JENNA. Tat’s very sweet of you, Miss Maxie … (Sits on couch, takes a pretzel, munches.) I have been lonesome … grinding, aching, all-alone-in-the-world, banging your head against the wall kinda lonesome. (Eats more pretzels, Maxie dives in for more, eats. Wanelle joins them, grabs more pretzels.) WANELLE. (Munches.) Yeah, it’s not good for a woman to feel that kind of lonesome. To miss that warm body next to yours at night. MAXIE. Or those strong, muscular, magical hands of his. And once that’s taken away from you, ain’t nothin’ ever gonna fll its place. (All three eat pretzels faster.) WANELLE. (Munches.) Funny, how in your twenties, what you’re lookin’ for is tall, dark, and handsome. MAXIE. But in your sixties, you’ll settle for teeth, hair, and a pension. JENNA. But no matter how frustrated we get, we can handle it because we’re three strong country women! (Shoves the pretzels into her mouth, chews.) WANELLE. (Munches away.) Tat’s right! We face our problems straight-on with dignity and Southern grace! (Tey cram pretzels into their faces, a feeding frenzy. Beat. Tey realize what they’re doing, dump pretzels back in the bowl.) MAXIE. Oh, one other thing. Since Ty’s hard-headed, just like all the Wilburn men, he fat-out refused to come home when I called, so I sorta … lied. You can’t imagine how upset he was when he heard Jenna’s got herself a new boyfriend. JENNA. But I don’t! MAXIE. Well, you’ve got a few minutes, try to come up with one! JENNA. Oh, gosh! I’m not ready for this! Why didn’t you give me some warning? I need to change clothes and lose ffteen pounds! (Hurries out upstage left door.) MAXIE. Whoa! I am on a roll! (To Wanelle.) Any problems I can fx for you while I’m fring on all four cylinders?

13 WANELLE. No. I think this one’s beyond even you. (Checks to see they’re alone, then:) You might say, D. Gene’s lost that lovin’ feeling. MAXIE. Tat would explain you hooverin’ them pretzels like a hog at trough. WANELLE. All I’ve got now is a roommate who’d rather spend his time with a bucket of bait than he would with me. MAXIE. Well … maybe he’s got the mid-life crisis. WANELLE. Only if he lives to be a hundred and fourteen! It’s something else. MAXIE. Ten it might be time for you to take drastic measures. WANELLE. (Low.) Actually, I already have. Last week when we went into Little Rock, I talked D. Gene into seeing a hypnotist, Dr. Parvoosh, to get help with his snoring. While D. Gene was “under” I mentioned our personal problem to the doctor. She under- stood because she’d had the same problem with her husband, so she gave D. Gene a hypnotic suggestion. Every time he hears a certain phrase, he’ll “get frisky” and after a while, he won’t need the suggestion at all. MAXIE. Hmm. And D. Gene has no idea? WANELLE. None! But I haven’t had the nerve to try it. I feel kinda guilty. MAXIE. Bull hockey! A woman’s got to do what a woman’s got to do. You’re fghtin’ to save your marriage, so git on it and walk proud! WANELLE. I don’t even know if it’s going to work. (D. Gene, preoccupied, bursts through upstage center door, goes to reception desk.) MAXIE. (Low.) It’s now or never, Baby Cakes. (Wanelle steps toward D. Gene.) D. GENE. (Notices her.) Wanelle! I was hoping you were gone — I mean, I thought you’d gone into town. I really think you should, Sweetheart. WANELLE. Oh, yeah? Well, I think you should … (Pulls a slip of hot pink paper from a pocket, reads.) Shut up and fsh! (D. Gene is slowly overtaken by a lust-flled hypnotic trance, unbuttons his pants, they fall to the foor. Arms outstretched, he emits a low growl, shufes zombie-like toward her, pants at his ankles. Wanelle is thrilled.) It works! It works! (D. Gene advances toward them.) MAXIE. You know I’m real happy for you, Hon, but maybe you better pull the plug, ’cause there’s a whole lot about my brother I really don’t need to know.

14 WANELLE. Oh, right! (Pulls a piece of white paper from her other pocket.) What was I thinking?! (Reads.) “Curry in a hurry!” (D. Gene immediately stops, himself again. Of Maxie’s bafed look.) Dr. Parvoosh comes from Calcutta. D. GENE. (Notices his pants. Pulls them up.) What the — ?! Well, excuse me! I must be losin’ weight. Where’s that old belt of mine, Wanelle? WANELLE. (Pockets both notes, gives D. Gene a peck on the cheek.) I’ll go look for it, you handsome devil you. (Sails out stage left swinging door.) D. GENE. Te workings of that woman’s mind are nothing but a mystery to me. MAXIE. Speakin’ of mysteries, how come you’re not out on that lake? D. GENE. ’Cause I’ve got more important things going on. (Makes sure they’re alone.) Listen, we all know this lodge will never be the success it was without upgrades we can’t aford. So, I’ve spent months researching and found a company that helps revitalize rural properties. I fgure if they like the place, maybe they’ll front the money and help make us competitive again. MAXIE. Tat’s an interestin’ angle, but have you talked it over with Ty? Tis place will rightfully pass to him so shouldn’t he be part of any decision-makin’? D. GENE. Ty doesn’t care about this place. He’s more interested in acting than fshing, so this is all on me. Today’s the only time Ms. Roxanne Torne, V.P. of Torne Limited, can come look the place over, and it’s our one chance to impress her. But don’t mention this to Wanelle. I don’t want to get her hopes up yet. MAXIE. Ten I guess it’s a good thing I brought you a payin’ guest today. D. GENE. Great! It’ll help make the place look like a going concern when the investor lady gets here. Another thing that’s going to help is for you to go put on Rayette’s old uniform. MAXIE. No way, Jose! I’m workin’ this weekend. I’m back in law enforcement. And even if I wasn’t, what makes you think I’d ever pretend to be your maid? D. GENE. Oh, I was thinking how carefully you guard your original sweet potato pie recipe — the one everybody in town would kill to get their hands on? Te pie recipe that’s taken the blue-ribbon at every county fair for twenty-some-odd years? MAXIE. (Nervous, covers.) I can’t imagine why that was on your mind.

15 D. GENE. Te day I went over to fx your oven, I found your secret recipe under a mixing bowl. It’s not original at all! It was printed on an old Crisco label! Tat news could tarnish your sterling reputation as the best cook in town, couldn’t it? MAXIE. You wouldn’t dare! D. GENE. Wouldn’t I? Te hospitality industry has made me a desperate man. I will do whatever it takes to keep a roof over our heads and a hook in the water. So suit up, Sister Dear, and crank out one of them original pies for our V.I.P.! (Chuckles.) Mama never could fgure out how to get you into a dress … (Crows heavenward.) But I got ’er, Mama!! (Exits upstage center door.) MAXIE. Durn! Tat’s what I get for trickin’ him into eating Alpo when he was a kid. (Carmine races in stage right door.) CARMINE. (Panicked.) What’s the deal here?! You’re supposed to provide me security! But there is no security in this dump. I could pick every fimsy lock on every door in this joint with my eyes closed! MAXIE. Well, after readin’ your fle, Little Mister Tattle-Tale, it’s fair to say you wouldn’t be in this jam if you hadn’t gotten mixed up with that gangster. CARMINE. Whoa! I don’t know what impresses me more — that you actually did some work or that you can read! But if you’d gone over it carefully, you might’ve come across the part that says I was never in Boots Manuli’s outft. Sonny, a former friend of mine, was. Unfortunately, he got on the wrong side of Boots. MAXIE. And yet somehow you’re the one who winds up in Witness Protection? CARMINE. Okay, I fngered Sonny, he went to prison. Boots came after me because he had other plans for Sonny. MAXIE. I may be a hick from Arkansas, but I could sure teach you a thing or two about how to treat your friends. CARMINE. Here’s an idea — spare me the hillbilly how-tos and go fnd your bullets. MAXIE. (Ticked of.) I think I’ll do just that. But you keep up the chin music, you may regret me fndin’ ’em. (Storms out stage left swinging door. Carmine, anxious, jumps up, races to the window, looks out. Jenna, in skirt and blouse, dressed up for Ty, hurries in upstage left door, crosses to Carmine.) JENNA. (Nervous.) Okay, what do you think? Am I pretty? Do I look all right? (Grabs him by the collar, frantic.) Tell me! I really, really need to know!

16 CARMINE. Uh … no, you look fne! As a matter of fact, you look fantastic! JENNA. You’re not just saying that? Because I haven’t seen my boyfriend in six months and I have to look beautiful! (Shakes him.) And I mean beautiful!! CARMINE. (Eases her away.) Okay, okay! You are beautiful. JENNA. (Calms down.) Tat’s so nice of you to say. How can I ever thank you? CARMINE. Well … if you really want to thank me … how about checking all the locks in my room. Call me crazy, but they don’t look so secure. JENNA. Don’t worry. It’s very safe here. It’s not like some thug’s going to burst through the door or anything. (Just then, Ty Wilburn, 30, handsome, normally easy-going, bursts through upstage center door, wears jeans, motorcycle jacket, and helmet.) TY. (Shouts.) JENNA!! (Carmine freaks, drops to the foor.) JENNA. (Delighted, throws open her arms.) Ty! TY. (Raves, storms toward Jenna, oblivious of Carmine.) Okay, Jenna! Where’s the guy who’s been hitting on you? I’ll tear him apart! (Unnoticed, Carmine quickly crawls to the window, hides behind a drapery panel.) JENNA. (To Ty.) Tat’s it?! You haven’t seen me in six months and you come in screaming at me? TY. Maxie says you have a boyfriend. What do you expect me to do? JENNA. (Plays it cool.) Well … now that we’ve both started new lives, I guess it would hardly be right for me to expect anything of you, Ty. TY. We didn’t agree to start new lives. You’re still my girl! Nothing changes that. JENNA. Your girl?! Kinda like your wallet, your footstool, your doormat?! I’ll tell you what changes everything, Tyler Wilburn — six long months of me waiting for you while you’re living it up being a hotshot actor in Chicago. (Carmine inches out from behind the drapery, tiptoes toward stage right door.) TY. Listen, I’ve driven eleven butt-numbing hours to get here, not even stopping to eat, and I’m not going to waste my time waiting to get to the bottom of this. Tell me where he is and tell me now. JENNA. (Steamed.) Yes, how horrible it would be to waste any of your precious time waiting! So let me introduce you to my sweetheart, Carmine DeLuca. (Carmine freezes, slowly turns around. Jenna

17 hurries to him.) Carmine’s a … refexologist from … far away and he thinks I’m beautiful. (Lays a massive kiss on Carmine. Freaked, he stares wild-eyed at Ty. Jenna pulls back.) CARMINE. (Sheepish, to Ty.) Uh … how ya doin’? TY. (Stunned.) What? Uh … I … I — JENNA. (Defant, gets into her ruse. Ten, to Carmine.) Hey, Baby, how about you give me one of your super-duper foot rubs I like so much? (Sits in stage left armchair, kicks of her shoe, holds up her foot. Carmine, uncertain, gives in.) CARMINE. Uh … yeah, okay. (To Ty.) I’m just gonna … do … this. (Gets down on one knee, takes Jenna’s foot, massages it.) TY. So, I’m just supposed to stand here and take this?! (Surprised at Carmine’s touch, Jenna gives in to the bliss of the massage. Wanelle enters stage left swinging door.) WANELLE. Son, you’re home! (Stops when she sees Jenna and Carmine.) JENNA. (On Cloud Nine.) Oh, my gosh! Tis massage is … like nothing I’ve ever, ever experienced! It’s … (Carmine massages away, Jenna goes into complete foot-gasm, groans, loving every second of it. Ecstasy!) YES, YES, YESSSSS! CARMINE. (Sheepishly to Ty.) Can I help it I got the gift? WANELLE. Uh, Jenna, Hon, shouldn’t Ty be doing that? JENNA. (Looks up, dreamy.) Ty who? (Shocked, Ty and Wanelle exchange a concerned look as Jenna moans ecstatically. Blackout.)

Scene 2

Lights up on lobby of the Reel ’Em Inn, one hour later. D. Gene feverishly dusts furniture, mutters to himself.

D. GENE. Of course it’s hot and sunny outside! Fool weatherman said it would be cool and overcast. He’s been wrong every day for the last three years. Wish I could get paid for knowin’ nothin’. (Te phone rings; he races to answer it.) Hello? … Tat’s not a problem, just gives me more time to get ready for you … (Wanelle enters upstage left door.) Yeah, I’m excited, too! I’ve never done anything like this

18 before, Roxanne … (Unnoticed, Wanelle quickly crosses to him.) I’ll be waiting. (Hangs up, turns, is startled she’s so close.) Whoa! WANELLE. (Suspicious.) Talking to that Roxanne again? So you’re going to be waiting for what from this Avon lady? D. GENE. (Covers.) I meant … I’d be waitin’ ’til hell froze over before I buy any of that body spray she’s selling. Tat stuf’s meant for teenage boys who refuse to bathe. And I think I smell sweet enough for my Honey Bun! (Pecks her cheek.) WANELLE. (Softens.) You do, huh? (Looks around.) So … where is everyone? D. GENE. (Flufs the draperies.) Search me. WANELLE. (Idea.) You mean … it’s just us? (Unbuttons her top buttons.) Seems a pity to waste this alone time. D. GENE. It sure does. In fact, I think you should vacuum while no one’s here. WANELLE. Oh, yeah? (Pulls pink note out, glances at it.) Well, I think you should shut up and — (Ty bursts through stage left swinging door, startles her.) TY. Dad, have you seen Jenna? (Wanelle quickly buttons up.) I walked halfway around the lake and couldn’t fnd her. And who is this Carmine guy, anyway? D. GENE. Te truth is, he’s some guy Maxie’s been hired to guard. He only got here this morning. If Jenna’s fallen in love with him, she did it in record time. TY. I knew it! She’s just trying to make me jealous so I’ll come home to stay. WANELLE. Well, can you blame her? (Absent-mindedly puts the pink note on registration desk.) She’s been stuck out here in the bojacks for six months and when you do call, you give her an earful about your thrilling life in Chicago. TY. I tell her everything I’m doing to make her feel like she’s involved in it. D. GENE. But do you ever ask her what she’s doing? Do you even know she’s gotten to be a real good painter? TY. (Busted!) Uh … I kind of knew — D. GENE. Buddy, if you ever intend to be a good husband to that girl one day, now’s the time to start paying close attention to her and understand what she needs. It’s how I’ve kept my wife happy and my marriage working like a clock all these years. (Wanelle lets out a laugh, covers with a cough.)

19 TY. You okay, Mom? WANELLE. Just choked on something. Honey, being without you is getting to Jenna bad. She’s running out of patience. TY. I guess you’re right. But it’s weird she’d resort to such drastic measures. WANELLE. You have no idea how far a lonely woman will go. (Ten.) Y’all excuse me, I’ve got a date with a pound of fudge. (Exits stage left swinging door.) D. GENE. You walked the property? I know it’s seen better days but (Pointedly.) a little help would go a long way toward whipping this place back into shape. TY. Dad, I understand exactly what you’re saying. And if Mom’s not pulling her weight around here, I’d be happy to have a little talk with her. D. GENE. Unbelievable! Tat’s your solution when I ask for help?!!! (Maxie bursts through stage right swinging door, pumped, gun drawn, now in a very short, dowdy maid’s uniform and cowboy boots.) MAXIE. Someone call for help?! (Swings her gun, pivots side to side, checks the room. Ty and D. Gene duck.) And don’t touch nothin’ ’til I dust for prints! D. GENE. For the love of Mike, put that gun away! TY. Gee, Aunt Max, could you be just a little more aggressive? MAXIE. You’re right, I probably could. I’ll work on it. D. GENE. Here’s an idea, Double-O-Seven — holster that gun and go bake me a pie! (Starts for upstage center door.) MAXIE. Keep your drawers on, Blackmailer! (He exits, she calls after him.) Te pie is done and coolin’ on a rack! (Ten, to Ty.) I believe sittin’ in the sun every day, danglin’ a hook in the water has fnally parboiled your daddy’s brains. (Tucks gun in her belt.) Nothin’s gonna happen to his precious pie! (Carmine enters stage left swinging door, fnishes of a piece of pie on a plate.) CARMINE. Hey, any youse guys want pie, it’s too late! MAXIE. (Steamed.) Tat rips it! Now I got to bake another one! (Starts for stage left swinging door.) And if we’re clean out of sweet potaters, somebody — and I’m not sayin’ who, Carmine — is gonna get his shack tore down! (Storms out.) CARMINE. (To Ty.) Look, I don’t speak mountain woman. Is what she just said good or bad? (Jenna sails in stage left swinging door, hurries to Carmine.) JENNA. (Lays it on for Ty’s sake.) Carmine, Sweetheart, did you

20 enjoy that last little slice of pie I saved for you? CARMINE. Very nice. (Looks her over lasciviously.) And I mean very nice. TY. Soooo, Carmine, you’re Jenna’s new boyfriend? CARMINE. You got a problem with that?! TY. (Laying it on thick.) Nah! I think you and Jenna getting together is great! JENNA. (Didn’t expect to hear that.) You do? TY. Sure. I can see how happy you are! Here … (Puts Carmine’s arm around Jenna, admires them.) What a great-looking couple! At frst I had my doubts, Jenna, but now I can see you’ve found the refexologist of your dreams. JENNA. (Stunned.) Uh … thank you. CARMINE. (Gives Jenna a squeeze.) Yeah! Tis is one lucky lady, all right. TY. No, I think I’m the lucky one here. I’ve been needing someone like you. CARMINE. For what, exactly? TY. See, I’ve got a little problem. (Sits on the couch, kicks his shoe of, lifts his foot into Carmine’s face.) I need some deep tissue work … right here. (Insistent.) So, hit those pressure points and … don’t be afraid to go deep. CARMINE. (Repulsed.) Uh … wait a minute, Pal. I don’t think — I … uh — (Maxie enters stage left swinging door, takes in the scene.) TY. (Taunts him, wiggles his toes.) Come on! You did it for her, do it for me. Give it to me, give it to me! MAXIE. Tis is too weird even for me … and I’ve spent time in New York City! CARMINE. (Cracks from the pressure, disgusted.) Fuhgeddaboudit! Lock me up, take me to jail, I don’t care! I’m not touchin’ that foot! TY. (Triumphant, jumps to his feet.) I knew it! You are not a refexologist, just like you are not Jenna’s boyfriend. Your whole story’s bogus! MAXIE. (To Carmine.) You can’t even rub his toes?! Pathetic! Boy, if you’re gonna survive in these woods the next two days, we gotta toughen you up. And to start, you’re hikin’ around that lake, gettin’ some fresh air. So, move it! CARMINE. Not happening! I’m allergic to fresh air. No way I’m going out there. MAXIE. (Draws her gun.) Did I mention I found my bullets? (Pats the gun, herds him to upstage center door. Carmine turns to Ty.)

21 CARMINE. Ten bucks says this is the only way the woman can get a date. MAXIE. Come on, Braveheart. We’re hittin’ the trail! (Tey exit.) JENNA. Okay, so he’s not my boyfriend. TY. Because I am! I know you. You’d never leave me for someone like that. JENNA. (Her anger diminishes.) Okay … maybe I wouldn’t. TY. I’m sorry you’re lonely. I love you and never want you to be unhappy. JENNA. Hearing that means everything to me! And I love you, too. TY. (Teases her.) Come on, admit it, you’ve been just as faithful to me as I’ve been to you. (He holds out his open arms for a hug when Lola Barbosa, 40s, fashy, sexy, born and bred on Chicago’s West Side, with the accent to prove it, enters from upstage center door. She’s famboyantly coifed and made up, dressed in a skin-tight, low-cut dress, high heels, and carries a small clutch purse.) LOLA. Ty! Sweetheart! (Shimmies into Ty’s arms, wraps herself around him.) JENNA. (Stunned, angry.) Tis is your idea of being faithful?! TY. No, no! Wait, Jenna! Tis isn’t — (Tries to pull away from Lola.) See … (Tries again, then, to Lola.) Excuse me. (Peels her of.) Tis is … Lola. Lola, this is Jenna … (Pointedly.) the one I told you about. LOLA. (Pleasant, to Jenna.) Oh! You really exist. It’s a pleasure. TY. (Scrambles.) Yeah, uh … Mrs. Barbosa is a … a gallery owner from Chicago. I told her about your paintings and … she’s just been itching to come look at them. LOLA. I am?! (Gets it.) I mean, I am! I love paintin’s! I’m wild for art! JENNA. A gallery owner! Oh, Ty, you brought her all the way down here to see my work?! Tat’s so sweet! (Kisses him. Ten, to Lola.) I’ll run get a few of my paintings for you to look at. Tis is so great! (Races out upstage left door.) TY. (Calls after her.) Take your time, Angel! Bring the best ’cause Mrs. Barbosa knows what she’s doing! (Wheels on Lola, hisses.) What on earth are you doing?! LOLA. Okay, I wouldn’t ordinarily drive all the way to Mississippi on the spur of the moment — TY. Tis isn’t Mississippi, it’s Arkansas. LOLA. If you say so. (Walks her fngers up his arm, he moves away. She follows.) Anyway, it just didn’t seem the same at work without you. When I read in your note you were coming here, I fgured

22 what the heck, I would, too! So, I jumped in the company van and hit the road! Glad to see me? (Moves closer, he dodges her.) TY. Uh … surprised is more like it. And don’t think I’m not fattered with your attention lately, I am — which is completely under- standable since the new busboy uniform really shows of my pecs. (Moves her hands away.) But you are the owner of Barbosa’s Prime Rib Tickler Dinner Teatre, you are my boss … and you are married to a gangster who is in prison. LOLA. And you are a valuable employee in whom I’ve taken a very fond interest. TY. But clearly not interesting enough for you to cast me in the next play. LOLA. Oh, you actors and your distorted self-image. You’re twenty years too young and far too attractive to play any part in Te Odd Couple. TY. A real actor can play any role! LOLA. Oh, yeah? Well, the only roles I have left to cast are the Pigeon sisters, and there’s no way you could pull that of. You see, being a successful businesswoman means having to make the tough decisions. (Gets very close.) But sometimes I need to put the business of being a woman frst. TY. (High strained voice.) We all try to make the right choices, don’t we? (Pulls himself together.) Hey, you must be thirsty after driving all the way from Chicago! I’ll get you a drink before you have to turn around immediately and go back home. LOLA. Oh, I don’t think I’m leaving anytime soon, but it’s adorable that you want to take care of me. Yeah, a drink would be awesome! TY. (Panicked.) Tat’s great! (Heads for stage left swinging door, then, to himself:) Tis is bad, this is bad, this is so, so bad. LOLA. (Calls after him.) Pour me something clear and I don’t mean water! (He races out stage left swinging door. Lola jiggles to couch, pulls a lipstick from her purse, drops it, gets down on her knees out of sight to search for the lipstick under the couch. Maxie enters upstage center door, scans the room.) MAXIE. (Annoyed.) Okay, it’s safe! Come in, for cryin’ out loud! (Carmine, wild-eyed, bursts in upstage center door, covered in twigs, leaves, dirt on his face.) CARMINE. I hate nature! And you’re in big trouble if I’ve got rabies! If you hadn’t forced me to go outside, I wouldn’t have been attacked by that vulture!

23 MAXIE. It was a duck. It waddled across the trail in front of you, you screamed like a girl, jumped over the rail, and rolled down the hill. But to give you peace of mind, I’ll go scan the perimeter for killer chickens! (Exits upstage center door.) CARMINE. (Calls.) You won’t hear the last of this ’til you make sure that vicious animal is gone! (Pulls twigs out of his hair.) Geez! I’d be safer in a mine feld! (Crosses downstage left behind easy chair.) What next?! (Lola stands.) LOLA. No way! (Carmine squeals, drops behind chair.) Carmine?! Carmine DeLuca?! CARMINE. (Stunned. Ten, rises slowly. Wary:) Lola? Lola Barbosa? You’re here?! Oh, my God! You tracked me down?! LOLA. Don’t be ridiculous! Five years ago, you — my very own second cousin twice-removed — never bothered to tell me you’re skippin’ town, the exact same day my husband goes to prison, leaving me all alone?! And now you think I somehow conjur up the location where you’re hiding out in Mississippi?! CARMINE. It’s Arkansas. LOLA. My point is, this is just a coincidence. Like when my father discovered me in the backseat of his Mercury with Sheldon Leubliner after senior prom. CARMINE. Tat was no coincidence, it was logic. Anyone who ever met you could’ve fgured out that “coincidence.” LOLA. You’re one to discuss reputations. It didn’t take long to fgure out you’re the canary who sent my husband to prison. CARMINE. Look, I’m sorry about Sonny, but I had to leave town without telling you. It was a matter of life and death. Mine! So, it’s not so good you found me. Sonny would have me whacked if he knew where I was. Do me a favor, don’t be lettin’ on you know me, okay? Nothin’ personal, it’s just I’m in a situation here. LOLA. Sure, Carmine. I … um … got me a situation, too. Maybe it’s best we act like we don’t know each other. CARMINE. Right. Let’s just stay out of each other’s way. So, I’m gonna go change. (Starts for stage right door.) You never saw me. LOLA. Yeah. And you never laid eyes on me, either. CARMINE. Never seen you before. Got no idea who you are. (Exits stage right door. Wanelle hurries in stage left swinging door, sees Lola.) WANELLE. May I help you? LOLA. (Startled, yelps.) I NEVER MET HIM, NEVER SAW HIM!

24 (Sees Wanelle, covers.) Oh, I’m sorry. Guess I’m a little edgy from all that driving. WANELLE. Well, it does take an efort to get here. But it’s nice and quiet and you can get plenty of rest, Miss…? (Goes to registration desk; Lola follows.) LOLA. Barbosa. But call me Lola. Yeah. Some rest would be nice. (Places her clutch on desk near Wanelle’s pink note. Ten, low:) And, quite frankly, a joint like this could be just the right place for a little romance, if you get my drift. (D. Gene, preoccupied, enters upstage center door.) WANELLE. (Looks at D. Gene.) Believe-you-me, if it’s a little romance you’re after, woman, you have come to the right place. (Notices Lola scrutinizing the abstract painting.) My husband gave me that on our anniversary years ago. LOLA. Huh … was he getting even with you for something? D. GENE. Wanelle, have you seen the key to the shed? WANELLE. (Pointedly.) No, but I have seen our new guest, Lola Barbosa, who is standing right here. Tis is my husband, D. Gene Wilburn. D. GENE. Another guest?! Yes! Tis will make an even better impression on her! WANELLE. (Suspicious.) Her who? D. GENE. (Covers, re: Lola.) Her! Our new guest. It will impress her that I’ve cleaned the yard. Which I’ll continue to do as soon as I fnd that key! WANELLE. (Suspicious.) Uh-huh. (D. Gene crosses stage left to small table, opens drawer. Wanelle turns to Lola, all charm.) How long will you be staying? LOLA. Uh … hard to say. (Notices the pink note, picks it up.) Could take a couple of nights, tops. (Reads pink note, chuckles.) Cute! Is this your slogan or something, “Shut up and fsh”?! (Behind her and still unseen by Lola, D. Gene goes into his lust-flled trance, unbuttons his pants, they fall to the foor. Arms outstretched, he emits a low growl, shufes zombie-like toward Lola, his pants around his ankles.) WANELLE. Oh, no! (Sees him, horrifed, thinks fast, grabs Lola by the shoulders, keeps her from seeing D. Gene. Ten, loud.) Chicken in a biscuit! (Nothing.) Uh … pig in a blanket! (Lola eyes Wanelle with suspicion as D. Gene moves closer.) Umm … (Pure desperation.) Ummm … (She remembers, shouts.) “Curry in a hurry!” (Just behind

25 Lola, D. Gene comes out of the trance, stops, looks around, bewildered. Wanelle slumps, relieved.) LOLA. My God! You okay? Is this that Southern thing called getting the vapors? WANELLE. (Hustles Lola toward stage right door, keeps her turned away from D. Gene.) Uh, no. I was just … running through … some of the lovely dishes available in our dining room. Keep those in mind come suppertime! (Ushers her through stage right door.) D. GENE. Dang it, that’s the second time today! I’ve got to get it together, this cannot happen when that Roxanne Torne gets here. (Bends over, starts to pull up his pants. Sonny Barbosa, 50s, gruf, big- city tough guy in a fne suit, dress shoes, and a fedora, bursts through upstage center door.) SONNY. (Booms.) Where the hell am I? Mississippi or something? D. GENE. (Distracted, he jumps, lets go of his pants, quickly goes into host mode.) It’s Arkansas. Mayhew, Arkansas. (Extends his hand, Sonny takes it.) Welcome to the Reel ’Em Inn, fnest little fshing lodge in the Ozarks. SONNY. Speakin’ of reeling ’em in, why don’t you, uh … (Nods toward D. Gene’s boxer shorts.) D. GENE. (Embarrassed.) Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry about that, Mr. … SONNY. Barbosa. Sonny Barbosa. Now where’s Lola? And don’t tell me she ain’t here, I tracked her all the way from Chicago and our company van’s out front. D. GENE. (Nervous.) Umm, it’s our policy to never give out information about our guests or get involved in domestic … uh, interactions. SONNY. Tat so? Well, I got a policy, too! I’ll just step out and get it … and my policy is loaded. In the meantime, you better try to remember what you’ve done with my wife! (Exits upstage center door.) D. GENE. (Panicked.) Oh, no! Tis is all I need! (Maxie barrels in stage left swinging door.) Maxie! We’ve got trouble. You’ve got to help. MAXIE. Listen, bein’ coerced into wearin’ this hateful uniform and bakin’ you two pies doesn’t exactly fll me with the desire to lend a hand, Brother. (Unnoticed by D. Gene, Wanelle enters stage right door.) D. GENE. But we’ve got a runaway wife and a ticked-of husband! Tis could sink my chances with Roxanne Torne!

26 WANELLE. Tere’s that name again! (D. Gene whirls around, faces her.) Who is this Roxanne and what is going on between the two of you? MAXIE. (Piles it on.) Yeah! You got another woman on the side? D. GENE. (Low, to Maxie.) I can’t believe you just did that to me! MAXIE. (Low.) When forced to wear a skirt, no tellin’ what I’m liable to do! WANELLE. Tis is what I get for thirty-two years of guttin’ your trout?! (Storms out upstage left door.) D. GENE. (Hurries after her.) No, wait, Honey Love! Tat’s not what this is! MAXIE. (Ten, for Wanelle’s beneft, calls.) But it durn sure looks like it, don’t it?! (Maxie enjoys this. D. Gene shoots her a furious look, exits as Carmine enters just inside stage right door. He’s cleaned up, fdgets with his shirt cufs.) CARMINE. Aren’t you supposed to be outside guarding the fort, Granny Oakley? MAXIE. I secured the grounds and can report there’s a slim chance you’ll survive. CARMINE. Yeah? I better or you’re going to answer to the State of Illinois. MAXIE. And I’m shakin’ in my boots already. (Annoyed with his fdgeting.) For pity’s sake, let me help you with that button. (Grabs his arm.) CARMINE. (Yanks his arm away.) When I need your help I’ll tell you. MAXIE. (Grabs his arm.) From here on, I’ll decide what you need. (Works on his button as Lola hurries back in stage right door, briefy locks eyes with Carmine.) LOLA. (To Carmine as she passes.) Excuse me, Stranger-I’ve-Never- Met-Before. CARMINE. No problem, Woman-Completely-Unknown-To- Me. (He quickly angles his face away from Lola as she crosses to registration desk, gets her purse.) LOLA. My purse! I’d forget my head it if wasn’t glued on. (Gets as far as the couch when Ty races in stage left swinging door with a bottle and a glass.) TY. I found some vodka. But go easy on it. As soon as you’ve fnished it, you have to leave because your showing up here could get me into a lot of hot water.

27 LOLA. Look, I’m not here to cause a scene. I’m just what you’d call a woman on a mission. (Jenna races in upstage left door with several paintings. Goes to Lola.) JENNA. Here, this might be a good one for your gallery, Mrs. Barbosa. (Holds it up.) I started out copying famous paintings trying to fnd my own style, see? LOLA. Nice. Does it come in purple? I could use something to match my sofa. D. GENE. (Hurries in upstage left door, crosses to Ty.) Son, there’s a bad situation about to happen. TY. (Looks at Jenna and Lola.) Tell me about it. MAXIE. Don’t be such a crybaby! Wanelle’s gonna forgive you … eventually. D. GENE. I’m not talking about that! Tis is even worse! (Deep breath, to Lola.) Not to interfere in your private life, but your husband showed up a few minutes ago and he is not a happy man. LOLA. Hold on! My husband is … here?! You’re sure?! D. GENE. (Nervous.) Oh, yeah! And I’d just like to request that if you two are having a little family reunion that it be a pleasant one with … oh, I don’t know, a minimum amount of gunfre? (Every- thing from here to the end of the scene takes place quickly, rapid-fre as it drives with great speed to the blackout.) CARMINE. (Horrifed.) Sonny Barbosa is coming through the door … now?! (Grabs Maxie.) Tat’s the guy I sent to prison! MAXIE. (Uber-cop.) All right, I’ll handle this! I’ll just — (Reaches for her gun, it’s gone.) Wait a minute! I had it right here! Where — CARMINE. (Beside himself.) I don’t believe this! You lost your gun?! MAXIE. Cut me some slack! I did fnd the bullets, you know! CARMINE. Great! So, what are you going to do, throw them at him?! TY. (Frightened, low.) Lola, I thought Sonny was still in prison! LOLA. Well, he was … ’til two days ago. JENNA. Wait! Why on earth would — (It hits her.) How stupid can I get? (Furious, to Ty.) Her husband followed her here because she followed you here! You’re a cheat and a liar, you … you actor! (Slaps the painting on the desk, races out upstage left door.) TY. (Starts for Jenna.) No! You don’t understand! Don’t — (D. Gene grabs him.) D. GENE. Sorry, Son, but you’re not leaving me to face this alone.

28 MAXIE. (Panicked, scurries around the room, searches for her gun.) I can fnd it! I can fnd it! I’m cool, I’m calm, I’m collected … (Screams.) I can’t fnd my gun! CARMINE. (Desperate, to Maxie.) Get me outta here! Tat man just did a nickel in the big house because I ratted him out! Te worst thing that could happen is for him to walk through that door and see me! TY. (To Carmine.) Tat man thinks I’m fooling around with his wife! Te worst thing that could happen is for him to walk through that door and see me! LOLA. Well, excuse me for living, but I happen to think the worst thing that could happen at this particular moment is for to him walk through that door and see me! SONNY. (Ofstage, calls.) I know you’re in there! (In a split second, Carmine hides behind Maxie, Ty crosses stage left, grabs Jenna’s painting, holds it up to shield his face from Sonny as Lola yanks D. Gene down onto the couch on top of her. Just then, Wanelle enters upstage left door, sees D. Gene sprawled on top of Lola, screams in fury, races out upstage left door. D. Gene rolls of Lola onto the foor as Sonny bursts through upstage center door, his right hand tucked inside the front of his jacket on a gun. He looks at Lola.) So … glad to see me?! TY, D. GENE, and CARMINE. (Freeze, face audience.) I’m a dead man! (Blackout.) End of Act One

29 ACT TWO

Scene 1

Lights up on the lobby of the Reel ’Em Inn fshing lodge, fve minutes later. On his back, Sonny sprawls motionless on the couch, leg dangles of the side, his arms akimbo. Rattled, D. Gene and Lola hover over him, study his face.

LOLA. (Anxious.) You think he’s dead? D. GENE. Kind of looked like it at frst, but now I’m thinking he’s just stunned. LOLA. It happened so fast, Sonny never knew what hit him. And honestly, seeing that old broad jumping that high, kicking that hard was very impressive. You don’t usually get that from a domestic. D. GENE. (Tinks fast.) Yeah, uh … see, Maxie took this cor- respondence course — “Martial Arts for Maids.” Now when danger fares, she goes all ninja on us. Upside is, she does keep the place both clean and safe. LOLA. When I’m her age, I only hope I can move like she does. (Maxie enters stage left swinging door, drags one leg with an exaggerated limp.) Or maybe not. D. GENE. (To Maxie.) Well, at least you’re vertical … more or less. MAXIE. Small price to pay for keepin’ the criminal element in check. LOLA. Sorry you got mowed down in the stampede, Doll. It’s all my fault. Once Sonny locked eyes on me, he never even knew anyone else was in the room. I tried to tell that to Ty and, uh, that stranger I never met before, but they were moving faster than actors headed toward a free bufet. MAXIE. Oh, this ol’ hip will pop back in a couple, three weeks. Always does. (Low, to D. Gene.) Important thing is I protected my whistle-blower. Now soon as I fnd my cufs, I’ll take care of Bully Boy here before your guest shows up. D. GENE. (Peeved.) And while you’re taking care of things, please tell my wife I have not been tom-cattin’ on her, thank you very much.

30 MAXIE. Had you sweatin’ bullets, didn’t I, Bubba? Tell you what, I’ll study on comin’ clean with Wanelle while you consider the fact that blackmail’s a swingin’ door. (Limps out stage left swinging door. Lola snifs the air.) LOLA. Does it always smell this bad in Mississippi? D. GENE. Maybe, but this is Arkansas. (Snifs the air.) Where is that odor coming from?! (Tey slowly look at Sonny, go to him, snif in unison, fan the air.) Well, it’s not him, but your guy is wearing waaay too much — what is that stuf? LOLA. English Leather. When it comes to cologne and cannoli, the man knows no restraint. (Ten.) Gee, none of this would’ve happened if he hadn’t followed me here. Sorry for the trouble I’ve caused you. (Gives him a hug.) D. GENE. Aww, you haven’t caused that much trouble. (Wanelle enters upstage left door, sees D. Gene and Lola in a clinch.) WANELLE. (Shrieks.) Oh, my God! You’re at it again?! LOLA. (Pulls away from D. Gene.) Um … I’ll just go wash this cologne of my hands, let you two … talk things over. (Hustles out stage right door.) D. GENE. (Backs up.) Now, hold on, Wanelle. WANELLE. (Steamed.) Looks like your problem is even bigger than I thought. Care to tell me why you’ve decided to devote your golden years to chasing skirts?! D. GENE. (Moves away from her.) Sugar Babe, you know you’re the only skirt for me. She was only thanking me for being so nice. WANELLE. Yes, I can see how nice you’ve been. (During this, Sonny, unseen, comes to, shakes of the fog, draws his gun, exits stage right door.) D. Gene Wilburn, you have no idea the lengths I’ve gone to lately trying to keep our marriage fresh! But the last two times I’ve come out here, I’ve found you either on top of that woman or in her arms! What am I supposed to do?! D. GENE. Forgive me when I’m too dim to remember how wonderful you are? WANELLE. Tat one’s not working for me. What else you got? D. GENE. I’m sorry for making you feel bad, Butter Bean. Shoot, lately I’ve spent so much time fshing alone on the lake, worrying about the lodge, I haven’t talked to anyone in days … except Roxanne, of course. (Instantly realizes what he said.) WANELLE. Roxanne?! Tere’s that name again!!

31 D. GENE. (Scrambles.) Uh … yeah! Te Avon lady, remember? (She’s unconvinced.) I’d never let anyone get in the way of our relationship, Lola … (Gasps. Wanelle recoils.) I mean, Wanelle! I meant Wanelle! WANELLE. Tat does it! (Roars.) I’m going to go kick that trollop’s butt, then I’m coming back for you! (Races out stage right door.) D. GENE. (Calls.) Wait! Don’t stir up more trouble! We’ve already got our hands full with a half-dead gangster on the couch and God only knows — (Glances at the couch, Sonny’s gone, he panics.) Where’d he go?! (Searches frantically. Maxie limps in stage left swinging door.) MAXIE. No cufs but I got a bungee cord and — (Looks around.) Where is he? D. GENE. I don’t know! He just vanished! MAXIE. I told you to watch him! D. GENE. I can’t do everything! MAXIE. You can’t do anything! I knew I should’ve disarmed him! (Limps out upstage center door.) D. GENE. (Calls.) So, turns out I’m not the only screw-up, am I? (Rustles the draperies.) Tis doesn’t make any sense! (Looks under the couch.) It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen! (Ty, in a dress, wig, heels, and makeup nervously enters stage right door. D. Gene stands, they lock eyes.) I stand corrected. TY. (Panicked.) Sooo … we’re alone in here, right, Dad? D. GENE. Yes, we are. And Son, I just want you to know, I’m going to love you no matter what’s been going on with you up there in Chicago. TY. What? Oh. No, this really isn’t what it looks like. D. GENE. Well, it looks like you’re wearing your mama’s old dress and wig. TY. Okay, it is what it looks like. See, I can’t let Sonny Barbosa know who I am. He thinks I’m involved with his wife … but it is good to know you’re always on my side. (Hugs D. Gene as Wanelle enters upstage left door, sees them.) WANELLE. You’ve got another woman?! (Sobs, races out upstage left door.) D. GENE. Wait! Tis one isn’t a woman, she’s a man and — (Realizes what he’s said.) Dang, I just made it worse! (Calls.) Wanelle! (Flies out upstage left door.) TY. (Sighs.) Tere is no way things can get worse! (Doesn’t see Jenna enter stage right door, transformed in a skin-tight, revealing dress, high

32 heels, heavy makeup, wild, sexy hairdo. A bottle of vodka in one hand, she strikes a pose.) JENNA. Hey, Sister, know any place around here a girl can go to fnd a strong, sweaty, hunka-hunka man? (Ty whirls around, they see each other, scream.) TY and JENNA. Why are you dressed like that?! (Beat.) I asked you frst! TY. Okay, I’m in disguise, hiding from Sonny Barbosa. Tat guy’s dangerous! JENNA. Yeah? Well, guess what? I’m dangerous, too. (Unscrews bottle cap.) TY. Wait! You don’t drink. You can’t even smell the stuf without getting looped. JENNA. I’m trying a lot of diferent things. I’m done waiting and painting. I’ve changed since you’ve been gone, too. (Looks at him.) Maybe not as much as you have. But I’m living on the edge now. (Takes a swig, gasps, struggles to speak.) Yep, on-the-edge! If trashy women get all the men, I’m lining up for my share! TY. Tey don’t get all the men and I’m not attracted to Lola. She’s just my boss. JENNA. Right. Nothing’s going on with you and your boss. Yet you’re suddenly hit with an urge to dress up like a homely spinster in a cheap wig?! TY. Homely spinster?! Excuse me, but I think I look good! (Gets into it.) Te dress is a perfect ft, snug in all the right places, it shows of my calves just — JENNA. Stop talking like that! I don’t even know who you are anymore! But I do know you’re so desperate to hide from your girlfriend’s husband you’d stoop to wearing a world-class ridiculous disguise. (Heads for upstage center door.) TY. It’s a costume. It’s not a ridiculous disguise! (She exits as Carmine, nervous, on alert, enters stage right door in a fannel shirt, overalls, work boots — none of which ft him at all — and a cap with earfaps pulled down. Te head of a string mop is situated on his face like a long beard. Ty takes him in.) But that is! What the heck are you doing?! CARMINE. (In a terrible Swedish accent.) ’Allo, I’m Sven, just come down from the local ford on my way through to de smorgasbord. TY. For crying out loud, there’s barely a Swede this side of Nebraska. What do you — Wait! You’re hiding from Sonny Barbosa, too?

33 CARMINE. (Drops accent.) Yeah, but at least I’m doing it in pants. Sorry, Pal, but you ain’t got the legs to pull that look of. (Touches Ty’s hem. Ty slaps at him.) TY. Watch your hands, Buster! I’m not that kind of girl! And just so you know, my mother mops foors with your beard. (Snifs.) Gosh! What is that smell?! CARMINE. (Snifs.) Something probably crawled into that nasty wig of yours and died. (Suspicious, Ty snifs Carmine. Carmine snifs him. Tey snif each other repeatedly. Lola hurries in stage right door, stops quickly.) LOLA. Sorry. Am I interrupting some Mississippi mating ritual? TY and CARMINE. (Tey turn to her.) It’s Arkansas! CARMINE. Tanks for nothing, Lola Colaccino Barbosa! You didn’t even tell me Sonny was out of the slammer. LOLA. It never came up! CARMINE. It’s come up now! Sonny realizes I’m here, he’ll kill me, your own fesh and blood! Can you live with the shame that would bring on our family? LOLA. As opposed to the pride they’d feel for a snitch with a mop on his face? TY. And what possessed you to convince your jealous husband and my girlfriend that you and I are in the middle of a hot afair? Tanks to you, Jenna’s ready to break up with me! LOLA. Not to rain on your parade, but you dressing up like a girl has probably done the most damage, okay? TY. It’s a costume! I’m an actor, faithful to my character’s truth. And I will remain in this costume and act like a woman until you get your crazy husband out of here. And I can do this because I can play any part! LOLA. I appreciate your passion, Sweet Cheeks, but no way you’re playing a Pigeon sister. You are not going to be in Te Odd Couple, got it? CARMINE. Okay, can we just get a plan before Sonny walks in here and takes at least two of us out? (Sonny bursts through stage right door.) SONNY. Tere you are! (Ty and Carmine clutch each other in fear.) LOLA. (Low, to Carmine.) Play along with me. (To Sonny.) Do you mind?! I believe I was just speaking with this lovely couple here. TY. (In a falsetto.) Oh, that’s all right. We don’t want to take any more of your time. (Playfully futters Carmine’s beard.) Do we, Dearie?

34 CARMINE. (Bad Swedish accent.) Yah! Can’t just wander around singing ABBA songs all day. Got to make sure the reindeer get their kibble. SONNY. Yeah, like I care. Okay, Lola, give him up! I’ve looked all over this hillbilly hotel for the guy you’ve been seeing behind my back. (Puts his hand inside his jacket on his gun.) I’ve got a score to settle with that creep. LOLA. Could you give us a break with the gun, already! (To Carmine and Ty.) If you lovebirds would excuse us, my husband and me could use a little privacy. TY and CARMINE. (Freaked.) Gladly! (Ty races out upstage left door, Carmine races out stage right door.) LOLA. All right, so you found me. SONNY. Found you?! You left every clue in the book — a note, a phone call. Heck, I was right behind you for twenty miles on Interstate 55. LOLA. Who cares? You’re here, let’s clear the air. SONNY. You want I should start with being cold-cocked when I walked in the door, or that you ran out on me and I drove a million miles tracking you down? LOLA. I ran out on you?! You been outta the joint two days. Where you been? You haven’t spent any time at home! Tat makes you the one who ran out on me! SONNY. Look, me and the boys had some catching up to do. And I had to make it right with a pal who was checking up on you while I was wrongfully incarcerated. LOLA. Yeah, I seen Jimmy Fingers and that loudmouth wife of his real regular. And I hope he reported back to you not only did I pay of your debts, but I also renovated and rebuilt Barbosa’s Prime Rib from the ground up. We’re a popular dinner theatre now, we’re respectable, operating in the black. SONNY. Okay, I’m proud of you, all right? But why Te Odd Couple every freakin’ season?! Other plays have been written in the last ffty years, you know. LOLA. Look, I’m as tired of it as you are, but people still think they want to see it. And what say you focus less on what I should be doing and more on the fact you swore you’d go straight the minute you got out? ’Cause I won’t be showing up at the big house on visitors’ day ever again. SONNY. Oh, yeah? Well, you know what I won’t do? Stand by while you fool around with some guy and follow him all the way down here to Mississippi —

35 LOLA. Apparently, it’s Arkansas. SONNY. Where it smells like (Snifs, disgusted.) … like something died! What is that?! (Shakes it of.) Fine. I’ll just hold my nose ’til I fnd that punk and kill him! And then I’ll — (Jenna, tipsy, weaves in stage left swinging door, beelines to Lola.) JENNA. Know what being nice has gotten me? Jack! All those years of minding my manners. (Saccharine.) Be sweet, Jenna. Be a good girl, Jenna. (Snarls.) Well, I’m done with “nice”! Here on out, I’m going to be rotten to the core! In fact, I’m going to fnd me a cigarette and teach myself how to smoke it! Yeah! I’m doing it! (Races out upstage left door. Bewildered, they watch her exit. Beat.) LOLA. Anyway, for now let’s just put a pin in your killing a guy and spell out the reality of your situation. A: You have a chance to start fresh, make a new life, and B: Because you’re such a hot-head, you’re about to blow it. Tink about it, Sonny! SONNY. You forgot C: I gotta defend my honor. Hey, this is who I am, the passionate, exciting, ruggedly handsome man who’s still madly in love with you. LOLA. Yeah? Well, you’ve got a long way to go to prove it, Pal! (Wanelle races in through stage right door, spots Lola.) WANELLE. (Shrieks, races to her.) Tere you are, Homewrecker! LOLA. (To Wanelle.) Do you mind?! We’re in the middle of a fght here! WANELLE. You bet we are! I’ve caught you with my husband twice and now you’re throwing yourself at another man?! Well, I’m not having it! (Grabs Lola by the hair, pulls her toward stage left swinging door. D. Gene races in upstage left door, spots Sonny, then is horrifed to see Wanelle fghting Lola. He’s paralyzed with indecision, uncertain what to do next.) LOLA. (Struggles against Wanelle.) Sonny, aren’t you going to help me here? SONNY. Hey, if you’ve been messing around with her man, rightfully she gets frst crack at you. Tat’s the rule. It’s written down somewhere. LOLA. Ow, ow, ow, ow — (D. Gene hurries to Wanelle.) D. GENE. (Low, with extreme urgency.) Wanelle, you don’t want to get involved with these people! (Wanelle pulls Lola out stage left swinging door.) SONNY. Too late. She’s involved. (Holds D. Gene back.) D. GENE. (Nervous, disingenuous.) Good. You’re up. Feeling better?

36 SONNY. No thanks to your maid. (Sounds of the catfght come from ofstage left.) Don’t worry, they’re big girls. Tey can work it out. Lola can take care of herself. D. GENE. (Still wary.) Yeah, but Wanelle is Southern born and bred, and that’s a special kind of tough. Believe me, if the Civil War had been fought by the women, we’d all be singing “Dixie” before every Super Bowl. (Sounds of the fght intensify. In tandem, he and Sonny back away from stage left swinging door.) SONNY. Yeah? So you know how confusing it is to be married to a headstrong broad. Half the time I can’t fgure out what she wants. D. GENE. I share your pain. I’ve tried giving Wanelle gifts — a new skillet, a hairnet — she hated them. I did luck out a few years ago with that painting. (Motions to abstract painting. Sonny’s attention is caught.) But lately I don’t know what to do to get back on her good side. (Wanelle’s head pokes out stage left swinging door, she yelps as she’s pulled back into the kitchen.) SONNY. Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. Women, right? (Crosses to picture.) Uh … you talking about this picture here? (Takes the painting of the wall.) D. GENE. Yeah. I got it at a garage sale. Set me back ffteen bucks, worth every penny. (Notices Sonny’s interest in the painting.) SONNY. (Examines the painting.) Dames love a big spender all right. (Lola struggles partially through stage left swinging door. She’s pulled back inside, the men continue the conversation as if nothing unusual is happening.) I did some business with an … art dealer kind of a guy. He moved a lot of merchandise and I learned a couple things about pictures. (Turns it over, his attention caught.) Yeah, I’d say it’s pretty good … for a garage sale painting. (Hands it to D. Gene who rehangs it. Sonny scrutinizes the painting, pulls out his gun, absent-mindedly scratches his head with it, sticks it in his jacket. D. Gene panics.) D. GENE. Uh … listen, I know you and your wife have a few things to work out. Believe me I understand, but we’re good people and we don’t want any trouble. Besides, I’ve got a very important guest arriving, so if you wouldn’t mind — SONNY. (Annoyed.) Listen, Pal, we both got priorities. So I’m just going to do what I need to do and I’ll try not to make a mess, all right? Now why don’t you just go do what you do — whittle a pipe, hunt a moose or … uh … I don’t care, just, uh … shut up and fsh? (Sonny immediately turns back for another look at the painting, unaware that D. Gene goes into the hypnotic trance, drops his pants. With a low

37 passionate growl, D. Gene slowly heads toward Sonny. Before he gets to him, Jenna, oblivious to D. Gene and Sonny’s presence, hurriedly enters upstage left door, takes a swig of vodka. As she wobbles past D. Gene, he turns and heads toward her. Jenna quickly exits upstage center door as Carmine, now in a cowboy hat and boots, sunglasses, denim shirt tucked into khaki pants — none of which fts him at all — and a moustache drawn on his upper lip, enters stage right door, sees Sonny and sneaks past him, catching D. Gene’s attention. D. Gene turns and, unnoticed by Carmine, heads toward him. Carmine slips out upstage left door as Maxie, clearly unnerved, limps in upstage center door, spots Sonny, freezes. D. Gene turns and heads for Maxie.) MAXIE. (To herself, re: Sonny.) Tere he is! No, he’ll have to wait, there’s too much happenin’! (D. Gene emits a low growl, catches Maxie’s attention.) Oh, for the love of — (To D. Gene, low.) “Curry in a hurry.” (During the following, Sonny takes out his phone, hurriedly photographs the painting, sends it in a message.) D. GENE. (Snaps out of it, sees his pants.) Why does this keep happening?! MAXIE. (Low.) Tat’s not our biggest problem and neither is Mister Big-Shot over there! Come here! (Still dragging one leg, she moves D. Gene closer to stage left swinging door. He shufes behind her, tries to pull up his pants. She speaks in a low, urgent tone.) Listen! Can you hear that? Something bad’s going on outside. I don’t know what it is, but something’s in the air. D. GENE. Yeah, a disgusting stench that’s getting worse by the minute! MAXIE. It’s not just that. Tere’s a low rumble out there, somethin’ I can’t put my fnger on. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. D. GENE. And of course it happens today! I get an investor who’s interested in the lodge and on the one day she can fnally come see it all hell breaks loose?! (Sounds of the fght surge from ofstage left.) MAXIE. In my current capacity, mine is the long arm of the law and right now the hairs on that arm are standin’ on end. I’ll go check it out. (Goes to upstage center door, turns back.) And on the of chance I need me some backup, it might be best if your pants aren’t down around your ankles. (D. Gene goes to the window as Maxie exits. Carmine edges back in upstage left door, sees Sonny. He quickly tiptoes toward stage left swinging door as Maxie slams the door on her exit. Sonny whirls around at the sound, spots Carmine.)

38 SONNY. Hey, you in the hat! (Carmine freezes, keeps his head down hiding his face.) I swear I’ve seen you somewhere before. Don’t I know you? CARMINE. (In a terrible Southern accent.) Uh … only if you’ve been a-plowin’ turnips with me up on the back forty. SONNY. Yeah, something’s familiar about your face. (Carmine tenses as Sonny puts his hand inside his jacket for his gun.) CARMINE. I say, I believe you’re wrong, Yankee-man! See, ah’m just a poor cotton picker from Alabamy with a banjo on mah knee. SONNY. Cotton picker, huh? Hold it right there. (Starts for Carmine as Jenna, breathless and scared sober bursts in upstage center door. Everyone’s hit full-on by the horrible smell when the door opens. Everyone gags.) Geez! What is that?! JENNA. Listen, everyone! We’re in big trouble here! … (Ty peeks in upstage left door.) Tere are some really scary sounds outside and I swear I just saw a couple of mountain lions and a bear! And there are things moving in the trees! Lots and lots of things! (Ty rushes to her. Sonny checks a message on his phone.) TY. (In his own voice.) Don’t worry, Jenna. I’ll — (Realizes he’s blowing his cover, changes to woman’s voice.) I mean, don’t worry, Dear Girl! I’ll protect you. JENNA. It would take a real man to do that. Like him! (Hurries to Sonny, puts his arm around her.) You don’t mind protecting a dangerous skank, do you? SONNY. Hold on. Listen, lady — (Just then, Wanelle and Lola enter arm-in-arm from stage left swinging door, all smiles, hair and clothes askew, chat amiably.) LOLA. You got moxie, Doll! I like a girl who fghts for what she wants. WANELLE. Back at you, Sister. And who knew we had so much in common?! LOLA. To think I had to drive that van all the way down to — (Spots Sonny and Jenna. Mifed:) Excuse me, what exactly is going on here, may I ask? SONNY. (Enjoys her jealousy.) Ahh, feels a little diferent when the shoe’s on the other foot, doesn’t it? LOLA. And just when I thought we were getting somewhere. (Ten:) Carmine, are you going to let Sonny be disrespectful to your very own second cousin twice-removed? (Carmine is horrifed she’s exposed him.)

39 WANELLE. Wait. (To Lola.) You’re related to him? SONNY. Carmine?! Carmine DeLuca?! (Reaches for his gun.) I knew there was something familiar about that mug. You rat! Five years I been waiting for this! D. GENE. (Jittery.) All right, let’s all settle down. We’ve got bigger problems than this right now. SONNY. I don’t think so. (To Carmine.) Boots Manuli was right, you’re nothing but a stinking stool-pigeon. CARMINE. (Races to Ty.) Hey, don’t get distracted … not when the guy who’s been foolin’ around with your wife is standing right here! (Rips of Ty’s wig.) TY. (Panicked.) Uh, no, actually I think you should concentrate on the guy who sent you to jail! (Pulls Carmine in front of him like a shield.) CARMINE. (Rips of his sunglasses.) Hey, I haven’t been on the run fve years just to be taken out in the middle of Dogpatch! (Yanks Ty in front of him.) You’ll have to kill her to get to me! (Just then, sounds of wild animals growling, howling, screaming is heard.) JENNA. (Screams.) Tere! Tat … that sound! See what I mean?! (Hugs Sonny as Maxie hobbles in upstage center door, slams it, throws her body up against it.) MAXIE. (Pants.) Tis place is surrounded by every vicious animal in the Ozarks. We’re trapped and we’re all gonna be eaten alive! (Everyone reacts in horror.) TY. Well, then I say … Carmine frst! Show of hands, everyone who agrees! (Holds up his hand. Te others instantly hold up their hands. Carmine looks at them in disbelief.) CARMINE. (Angry.) Well, so much for Southern freakin’ hospitality! (From outside, animals growl, mountain lions roar. Everyone except Carmine races to the window, looks out.) D. GENE. Tere’s at least a hundred bears and mountain lions and wolves, coyotes … and I don’t even know what those things are, but they’ve got big teeth! JENNA. Look at them circling the lodge! I cannot believe this is happening! CARMINE. Yeah? Well, I can’t believe all of you voted me to be a human sacrifce. I’m not forgetting that one! (Maxie cracks the door as a big, hairy bear paw swipes through the crack at them. Te others scream at the sight. Sonny and Carmine clutch each other in fear, catch themselves, quickly let go, and back away as Maxie slams the door. Animal roars surge!)

40 SONNY. (To Lola, low.) What’s going on here?! In Chicago we got Bears, but these crazy rednecks, they got bears! WANELLE. (To Sonny.) Please tell me you have enough ammo to thin the herd! SONNY. No way! Just enough for Romeo and Judas here. TY. (Panicked.) Okay, we’ve got to call for help. SONNY. Nothing doing. I’m not even supposed to be outside the State of Illinois and nobody’s going to squeal. So nobody uses a phone! (Lola’s phone rings.) LOLA. (Into phone.) Hello? SONNY. Geez! Am I talking to myself? LOLA. (Nonplussed.) I am running a business, Sonny, so don’t start. (Into phone.) Listen, I’ve been … detained, so handle dinner and the show without me … (Pleased. Ten, for Sonny’s beneft.) Oh, so Barbosa’s Prime Rib Tickler’s all sold out, huh?! Isn’t that nice? … What do you mean where’s the meat? It’s in our delivery van … (It dawns on her.) that I drove all the way down here to — (Everyone slowly turns to her as the truth sinks in.) Call you back. (Hangs up.) CARMINE. You left tons of meat in a hot van all day? Tere’s your smell, folks. LOLA. (Groans.) I thought they unloaded the van! I lost a fortune in prime rib! TY. Nice going, Lola! LOLA. Yeah, like this was my plan exactly, based on all my years of experience dealing with wild animals in the woods. MAXIE. Shug, don’t waste time grievin’ over that money you lost. Heck, you only got a few minutes before you wind up bein’ some black bear’s lunch. D. GENE. Maybe your prime rib brought the animals down here, but now they want fresh meat … and we’re it! (Everyone’s terrifed. Just then, a loud thud is heard ofstage left as animals slam against the lodge trying to get in. Everyone gasps, clutches one other as another loud thump is heard of upstage. Another gasp.) JENNA. Oh, my God! Tey’re trying to get in! I can’t meet my maker looking like a tramp! I’ve got to get rid of this demon rum! LOLA, SONNY, and CARMINE. I’ll take it! (Carmine grabs it, takes a swig.) WANELLE. We have got to go into that kitchen and block the back door. Te refrigerator’s the only thing heavy enough to keep them out!

41 SONNY. All right, all right! But let’s make it quick. And no calls, or else! D. GENE. It’s a commercial refrigerator. It’ll take all of us to move it. Come on! (Everyone stampedes out stage left swinging door. Lola and Sonny bring up the rear and notice Carmine doesn’t move. Tey stop.) CARMINE. Oh, you were going to throw me to the wolves, now I’m supposed to help save your lives? Fat chance! SONNY. Get in there, you wimp! Man up! (Pushes Carmine through stage left swinging door, then calls.) We’re all in this together! (Quickly pulls Lola stage right, low.) Forget them, they’re on their own! We’re saving ourselves! LOLA. I’m not moving an inch ’til you swear you’re going straight! SONNY. What?! So now you’re risking our lives just to have your own way?! LOLA. I’ve waited fve long years for you and if you don’t give me your word, I will move on with my life. And in case you haven’t noticed, I am a gorgeous, accomplished businesswoman who has recently enjoyed successful facial hair removal. I am set and can have any man I want. So, time for you to choose, Sonny. Me or a life of crime. SONNY. Okay, already! I choose you! LOLA. Prove it. SONNY. Fine! (Crosses to reception desk. Unseen by them, Carmine backs in through stage left swinging door to avoid moving the refrigerator.) When I walked into this dump, I spotted this picture … (Points.) right here. (Carmine’s attention caught, he hides behind the couch, eavesdrops.) I happen to know this thing’s worth a bundle, but have I heisted it? No. Because I chose you. LOLA. Tat ugly thing’s worth a bundle?! Ha! So’s my left shoe. SONNY. (Pulls out his phone, hits a button.) I take a shot of this, send it to this fella with whom I’ve done a certain amount of business, he sends me this. LOLA. (Takes the phone, studies it.) Wow! Six fgures. Six BIG fgures! (Carmine peers up over the couch, extremely interested.) And you’re not taking it? SONNY. No! And … (Can barely restrain himself.) It would be so easy!! Tese yokels don’t even know what they’ve got! (Catches himself.) But I’m walking away and I’m doing that for you. LOLA. Huh. (Softens slightly.) All right, I’ll give you one last chance. But you better live up to your promise, Son. No more illegal nothing. Period. Te end. SONNY. I’m telling you, I’m giving up the criminal life. Right

42 after I whack the sharecropper and the prom queen. (Exasperated, Lola throws up her hands. Wanelle races in stage left swinging door, D. Gene and Maxie on her heels.) WANELLE. (Shouts.) Hey! A car’s coming down the road! (Runs to the window.) LOLA. Maybe someone’s come to save us! (Races to the window, D. Gene and Sonny follow.) D. GENE. (Anxious.) Doesn’t seem likely, but at this point, we’ll take any help we can get! MAXIE. (Goes to the couch, quickly pulls Carmine up by the collar.) Get up from there. (Low.) Everything’s under control. See? I found my gun in the refrigerator. CARMINE. What nimrod puts a gun in a — know what? Better you don’t tell me. MAXIE. Just wanted you to know your government’s got your back … or will, soon as I fnd my bullets … again. (Hurriedly hunts for bullets. Carmine crosses quickly to the abstract painting as Jenna fies in stage left swinging door, Ty on her heels.) JENNA. Te car’s turning into the driveway! TY. (Low, urgent.) You have to listen to me, Jenna! JENNA. (Turns to him.) All right. You’ve got two seconds. (Studies his chest.) TY. Jenna, everything’s gone of track, and I — wait. Are you staring at my chest? JENNA. (Covers.) Of course not! It’s just hard to concentrate on what you’re saying and not what you’re wearing. TY. Okay, I could’ve left to save myself but I didn’t. Know why? Because I wanted to be here to protect you. I’d never leave you and my family in danger. And if it’s the last thing I do, I will convince you I’ve always been faithful to you. JENNA. (Softens.) Oh, Ty, I guess I have been a little — Wait a minute! Are those my earrings? Te ones I just bought?! I haven’t even tried them on! TY. Well, Mom didn’t have anything that worked with this dress! D. GENE. (At the window.) It’s a woman! She’s getting out of her car! CARMINE. (Hurries to the window.) Tat broad must be nuts! (Jenna, Ty, and Maxie race to the window. Everyone gasps.) MAXIE. Or blind! Doesn’t she see that snarlin’ pack of coyotes comin’ at her?! (Everyone tenses; it’ll be a bloodbath. Tis section moves lightning fast.)

43 WANELLE. (Yells, waves her arm.) Get back in the car! JENNA. Oh, no! Tey’re after her! D. GENE. She sees them now! TY. Look out! (Horrifed, they groan, gasp.) LOLA. Tey’re gaining on her! SONNY. She ain’t gonna make it! (Jenna covers her eyes.) CARMINE. (To Maxie.) See?! Right there! Tat’s exactly the reason no one should ever go outside. Nature can kill you! LOLA. (Horrifed.) Oh, my gosh! A wolf got her shoe! WANELLE. A mountain lion’s almost on top of her! ALL. Run! Run! Run! (Ty races to upstage center door, the others follow.) TY. (Opens door, yells.) Hurry! Get in here! (Roxanne Torne, 30s–50s, disheveled in a torn tailored business suit, one high heel, a badly- clawed brief case in one hand, races in. Ty slams the door, braces it. Near collapse, Roxanne is helped into the room by Ty, D. Gene, and Jenna. Te others gather around.) ROXANNE. (Breathless, wild with fear.) I’m … I’m … Roxanne Torne. (Can barely speak.) I’m here to see D. Gene Wilburn. (Pants.) But don’t tell his wife. She can’t know I’m here. (Passes out in D. Gene’s arms.) WANELLE. (Angry.) Oh, she can’t, can she?! So this is your precious Roxanne?! D. GENE. Now, I know this looks bad, but you’ve got it all wrong, Punkin’ — (Wanelle pushes up her sleeves.) SONNY. Hold it! I’m calling the shots and I don’t need any more complications! CARMINE. Here’s an idea, we throw her outside to distract the animals. (Of all the disapproving looks.) Oh, but it was fne when you wanted to do it to me! WANELLE. Yeah, throw her out! And my husband goes with her! SONNY. Actually, it’s not a bad idea. And I say we toss out the cross-dresser, too. He deserves it for fooling around with my wife. LOLA. Once and for all, nobody fooled around with nobody. I just knew if you thought I was running after a guy, you’d get jealous and follow me. Once I got you away from the boys, we could sort things out. Look, sometimes a girl just has to jump-start the action. Am I right, ladies? JENNA, WANELLE, and MAXIE. Absolutely! / You bet! / Makes sense to me.

44 WANELLE. And I’m about to jump-start something myself! (Storms out upstage left door.) D. GENE. (Shifts Roxanne in his arms.) Wanelle, wait! SONNY. (To Lola, re: Ty.) So you were just pretending to be carrying on with Miss Mississippi here? TY. It’s Arkansas! And I never laid a hand on your wife! (D. Gene clumsily lays Roxanne on the couch.) D. GENE. (Frantic.) Okay, I could really use some help here! Anyone know frst aid, mouth-to-mouth, dialysis, anything?! (No response. He races out stage left swinging door as we hear sounds of wolves howling outside. Te others react.) LOLA. Yeah, that’s all it was. But it worked. See? I’m very creative. CARMINE. (Re: Sonny.) And he fell for it, the big jamook! SONNY. All right. I don’t shoot the kid. (Glares, puts his hand in his jacket.) But I’m clippin’ the snitch now! (Everyone, except Maxie, screams, scatters.) CARMINE. (Freaked out.) No, no! MAXIE. You don’t want to do that! (Maxie pulls her gun, gets in front of Carmine in an aggressive stance, aims at Sonny.) LOLA. Okay, okay! I’ll put back the bathrobe I stole. (To Sonny.) Gee, this is some tough hotel. Te maid packs heat! MAXIE. (To Sonny.) I’m not the maid. I’m Sergeant Maxine Suggs, Mayhew Police Department. It’s my job to keep this odd-looking fella here alive this weekend and you will not touch a hair on his fat head. (Just then, Wanelle hurries in upstage left door with suitcases, sets them down.) WANELLE. (Nonplussed.) Max, I’ve had it, I’m going home to Mama. And if you get blood on the rug, baking soda’s the only thing that’ll get it out. (Races out upstage left door.) SONNY. Actually, that’s a good tip. (Ten, snaps back into it. Menacing.) Well, Ofcer Suggs. You don’t want to get in the way of this! (Pulls his gun. Te others gasp, scream. It’s a standof — Maxie and Sonny face each other down. Ten, D. Gene hurries in stage left swinging door with a wet cloth.) D. GENE. (Crosses between Maxie and Sonny.) Excuse me, I’m trying to save a life here. If you two could just take this shoot-out into the kitchen, I’d appreciate it. Tanks. (Races to couch. During the following — without stealing focus — he struggles to revive Roxanne, pats her face, sits her up, etc.) SONNY. (Annoyed.) If everyone’s fnished with their personal crises,

45 we’re sort of in the middle of something here! (Maxie studies his gun. Animal sounds surge.) MAXIE. Hold it, Hombre. You tellin’ me I don’t want to get in the way of a … water pistol? SONNY. (Caught.) What?! You’re crazy! No! (Covers.) It’s not a water pistol. MAXIE. Sure it is. (Grabs it.) See, it’s plastic! And right here’s where you fll it with water. TY. (Incredulous.) We’ve been held hostage the entire time with a squirt gun?! JENNA. Yeah, but in his defense, we all did fall for it. LOLA. Sonny! You really are trying to go legit, you big lunk! SONNY. (Grabs it back.) Yeah, fne. So I’m not packing a piece. I just got out of lockup a couple days ago, you think I’m stupid or something?! CARMINE. (Laughs.) A water pistol?! Tat does it! No more intimidation, Sonny. You’re through humiliating me! SONNY. You think so, huh? (Squirts the front of Carmine’s khakis again and again until they’re saturated, it looks like he’s wet his pants. During this, Carmine stands still, expressionless.) CARMINE. (Long beat. Looks at his khakis.) So, you think that’s funny, huh? SONNY. Uh … yeah. I do. (Te others crack up.) TY, JENNA, and MAXIE. It sure is. / Really funny. / Wet pants! LOLA. Hilarious! SONNY. Just not as funny as you ratting me out and sending me to the slammer. CARMINE. (To Sonny.) So this is what I get for saving your life? SONNY. What are you talking about here? You were my friend, you betrayed me! D. GENE. Will you please keep it down?! I can’t have Roxanne hearing all this. CARMINE. I did it to protect you from Boots Manuli. One night I overheard him tell the boys to whack you ’cause you’d gotten too pal-sy with his fence. I fgured if you were in prison, he couldn’t get to you. So, you’re alive today because of me. LOLA. Tat explains why you disappeared! (To Sonny.) He’s got to be telling the truth. Why else would he willingly go underground for fve years? CARMINE. (Sarcastic.) Finally! A little help from family!

46 MAXIE. (To Sonny.) You gotta admit, this is a real game-changer, Bud. SONNY. You’re telling me. (Touched, to Carmine.) You did all that to save my life? Geez, I feel bad now, particularly for the wet pants. Here. (Pulls out his handkerchief, goes toward the front of Carmine’s khakis.) Let me dry that of for — CARMINE. (Quickly snatches the handkerchief.) It’s okay! I got it! D. GENE. Hey, Roxanne’s coming around! Now can we please just act natural?! JENNA. Well I can, but it might be hard for Ty since he insists on wearing my new earrings before I do! TY. Tink you could back of this obsession with accessories for a minute? (Jenna starts a slow burn, glares at Ty. Animals howl, roar outside. Everyone reacts.) SONNY. ’Course Boots was rubbed out a couple days after I went into the joint. CARMINE. What?! (Stunned.) Boots is dead?! Are you kidding me?! SONNY. For fve years now. I thought you knew. Aren’t you happy he’s dead? CARMINE. Happy?! (Grabs Sonny by the throat, throttles him.) Happy?! (Lola springs at Carmine, tries to pull him of Sonny.) JENNA. (To Ty.) Oh, I’ll show you obsession! (Jumps Ty, gets him into a headlock. He struggles to shake her of.) Give me my earrings! Give them to me! TY. Get of! I’m going to fall and break a heel! (Maxie springs into action.) MAXIE. Domestic dispute! I’m on it! Hold this for me. (Hands gun to D. Gene, then grapples to get Jenna of Ty.) D. GENE. (At the end of his rope, stands in front of Roxanne, holds the gun on the others.) Okay, that does it! STOP RIGHT NOW!! (Everyone freezes.) Listen to me, and listen good, you nut jobs! I don’t care if you make your threats or try to kill each other or even wear each other’s clothes! Just do it somewhere else! (Oblivious that Roxanne is awake and horrifed at what she sees.) I’m going to conduct business with this woman (Unthinking, points the gun directly in Roxanne’s face.) who has risked her life to get here! It’s important to me! And if it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to make a good impression on Roxanne Torne! (With a yelp, Roxanne faints in cold fear. D. Gene whirls around, realizes what he’s done.) SONNY. Oh, you made an impression, all right, but good? I wouldn’t bet on it. (Maxie takes her gun from D. Gene.)

47 D. GENE. What have I done?! (Pats her face.) Roxanne! Roxanne! (She comes to, sees him, recoils in fear.) ROXANNE. (Yelps.) Ahhhh! Who are you?! Where am I?! (Looks around, nervously. Animals howl outside.) D. GENE. Everything’s fne. You’re safe and happy to be here. (Drapes her arm around his neck, helps her up.) Tat’s it. See, we’re all friendly, normal — ROXANNE. (Unconvinced, looks around.) Man in a dress, maid with a gun, man who peed his pants — LOLA. Okay, normal for this crowd. (Just then Wanelle enters upstage left door, carrying a TV set she quickly puts down, sees D. Gene’s arm around Roxanne.) WANELLE. (Loses it.) Ahhhhhhh! You two can’t even wait ’til I’m gone?! (To Roxanne.) Tat does it, Jezebel, I’m going to kick your be-hind from here to Arkadelphia! (Lunges at Roxanne. D. Gene holds Wanelle of. She roars at Roxanne.) So, you want to get your hands on my husband’s body, huh? ROXANNE. (Quakes, horrifed.) No! I want to get my hands on his property! WANELLE. Well, just forget it, Hussy! I’m — (Stops, realizes.) Come again? ROXANNE. (Trembles.) Uh … yes, over the last two months, my company has made aerial photographs and geological surveys, researched necessary permits and we defnitely want the entire property. WANELLE and TY. What? / What’s this about?! D. GENE. (Excited.) Tat’s great! Wanelle, I know how much you love it here — and me, too — but we need help now. So I’ve been talking to Roxanne’s company for months about them making a sizeable cash infusion. Tey’d sort of be our partners. You know, they’d upgrade and renovate the lodge, dredge and restock the lake, some new landscaping. Like that. ROXANNE. (Nervous.) Well, not exactly like that. Actually, our interest is to buy the property. And we don’t want to be your partners, we want you out. And by renovation, we mean fll in the lake, bulldoze the lodge, clear-cut the land, and turn the entire property into a toxic waste storage facility. ALL. What?! (Tey step toward her, she backs up another step.) CARMINE. Whoa! Even I didn’t see that one coming and I’m a sharp guy. SONNY. Yeah, so sharp you been running from a dead man fve years.

48 (Carmine howls, grabs Sonny by the throat. Lola and Maxie pull them apart.) ROXANNE. (Rattled, pulls papers from her damaged brief case.) Uh … I’ve brought the contract for you to sign and a check. (Suddenly, another loud THUMP! comes from ofstage left. Everyone gasps.) Just sign the contract and I’ll be on my way. (Animal noises come from ofstage left.) D. GENE. But … but we never discussed a buyout! I don’t understand. MAXIE. (Her gun in hand.) And a toxic dump?! Are you outta your gourd?! ROXANNE. (Eyes gun, anxious.) Now don’t worry about the environmentalists and politicians, we’ve paid them of. And in a couple of decades, any surviving neighbors might not even hate you anymore. So, just sign that contract, accept your check, and it’s a done deal. (Everyone glares at her. She’s terrifed.) On second thought, I’ll just leave it here. (Drops them on the couch.) Mail it when you can. Okay, we’re through. Nice to meet you, gotta go! JENNA. You can’t leave! Tere are wild animals out there. ROXANNE. Actually, I think I’ll be safer out there than in here with you people. I just want to get the heck out of Mississippi! WANELLE. (Loses it.) It’s Arkansas, you money-grubbing liar! (Lunges for Roxanne, D. Gene holds her back.) Arkansas, Arkansas, ARKANSAS!!! (Roxanne rushes out upstage center door. Lola, Sonny, Carmine, and Jenna run to the window, their eyes riveted on Roxanne, as Ty hustles to the couch, snatches up contract. From outside, sounds of animals howling, growling.) CARMINE. Tat broad’s crazy! Tey’re going to rip her to shreds! LOLA. Oh, my God, the wolves are on her car! (Shouts.) Watch your back! SONNY. She can’t get in! She’s locked out! TY. (Scans contract.) Tose people are nuts if they think they’re getting their hands on this property! (D. Gene, Wanelle, and Maxie join him, study the contract.) D. GENE. She twisted every single thing we talked about for their beneft. JENNA. She’s running for your van! She’ll never make it! Ooh, I can’t look! SONNY. No, no! She’s in and got it started. (Ten, to Lola.) How many times I got to tell you? Never leave your keys in the ignition!

49 LOLA. On the positive side, the animals are running after that stinking meat and they’re leaving!!! Tanks to me, we’re free! (She and Sonny hug.) WANELLE. Tey think they can throw money at us and we’ll cave in? Ha! MAXIE. Big-city people must think country folks are so stupid we’d do anything for a few lousy bucks. D. GENE. (Picks up the check.) We wouldn’t part with this place for all the money in the world. (Unfolds check. Gapes.) MAXIE. (Sees amount.) Although that comes pretty dang close! (Ty grabs check.) TY. (Moves downstage.) No, no, no, no! (Lola, Sonny, and Jenna’s attention caught, move slightly downstage to listen to Ty. Carmine stealthily crosses to the abstract painting, eyes it.) Tis place means the world to us! We’re not selling to anybody for any reason! D. GENE. Hold on, Ty. We thought you didn’t care about it anymore. TY. Of course I do! Tat’s why I went to Chicago. I thought I could make big money acting — maybe even TV commercials and stuf. I wanted to raise some fast cash to bring home to fx up the place. Surely you don’t think actors are just vain, thoughtless, self- centered narcissists! (Long beat. D. Gene nudges Wanelle.) WANELLE, D. GENE, JENNA, MAXIE, and LOLA. (Cover.) Uh … no! / Naaahh! / Never entered our minds. / What kinda fool would think that?! / Whatever you say. WANELLE. But you told us you wanted to be an actor more than anything. TY. Well … it meant a lot to me, but nothing means more than home and all the people in it … (Low.) Well, not everyone who’s in it right now, but the usual crowd. (Ten.) Especially the one who means the most to me. (Pulls Jenna close.) JENNA. Oh, Ty! I’ve waited a long time to hear you say that. MAXIE. ’Course, it might’ve been better if you hadn’t said it in high heels. (Carmine quietly eases the painting of the wall, studies it.) TY. I want to save this place for all of us, but it’s clear to me now I can’t do it by being in Chicago! Tere’s got to be some way we haven’t thought of to raise cash to save the lodge. And we will fnd it. But we’re having nothing to do with this. (Rips up check and contract.) D. GENE. (Proud.) Tat’s my boy! WANELLE. (Sudden realization.) Tat’s my dress!

50 JENNA. (To Ty.) I’m sorry I doubted you, Precious. (Tey kiss like crazy.) WANELLE. (To D. Gene.) And I’m sorry I assumed the worst, Sugar Lump. (Trows herself into his arms, they kiss. Lola nudges Sonny.) SONNY. What? LOLA. Aren’t you going to tell me you’re sorry? SONNY. For what?! LOLA. For forcing me to make you jealous. SONNY. Tat’s the most ridiculous — (Gives in.) Fine. Whatever Lola wants … (Pulls her into a kiss. Maxie looks around. Carmine glances up from the painting.) MAXIE. Hey, DeLuca — CARMINE. (Quickly.) Not in a million years. TY. I really have to thank you for bringing me home, Aunt Max. MAXIE. I just did what needed to be done. Remember, Darlin’, love is like fshin’. When you get a good one on the line, you’ve got to give it all you’ve got to reel ’em in! (Sighs.) And looka here, we’ve got a happy endin’ for everybody. (Te couples kiss.) CARMINE. Not quite. (Grasps painting, moves to Maxie.) But I know how to fx that! (Yanks her gun out of apron waistband, brandishes it.) Everyone stand back! (Te others pay no attention, continue to kiss.) All right. Tat’s better. (Makes his way to upstage center door.) For the last fve years, I’ve lived in terror, haven’t slept, watched my back every minute of the day and now I fnd out it was for nothing! Tat’s what I got for looking out for my pal. Bupkis! (Te others look up, their attention caught.) Well, if that’s what being a good guy gets you, then I’m going over to the other side. Sonny says this picture’s worth six fgures and with his history of art theft, I’m taking his word for it. And when I sell it, I’ll have my happy ending! I’m fnally going to live! Live! Live! (Laughs maniacally, races out upstage center door.) D. GENE. Te stoolie just stole our painting?! And it’s worth big money?! MAXIE. Don’t worry, I’m on it! (Drags her leg as fast as she can to upstage center door. Amped!) I’ll track him down before he hits Malvern! I’m gonna catch me an art thief. Ten they’re gonna beg me to come back to the force! (Races out upstage center door, yells.) Woooooooo. Pig. Sooie! LOLA. (Hurriedly collects her things.) Come on, Sonny! We’ve got to get to Carmine before the maid nabs him. He’s family, we owe him.

51 (Grabs Sonny’s hand, pulls him toward upstage center door, calls to the others.) Next time you’re in Chicago, come catch Te Odd Couple. Prime rib’s on me! (She exits. Sonny turns to D. Gene.) SONNY. Dames! We’re just pawns in a game they’re gonna win every time. (He exits.) D. GENE. (To Wanelle.) And don’t I know it. TY. Six fgures?! Te answer was here the whole time and we never knew it! With that much money we could’ve redone the whole place! Tis is terrible! JENNA. No, it’s not. It’s fantastic! TY. Honey, is this the vodka talking? JENNA. No! See, I was so lonely, I spent my time painting everything. And I mean everything. (Exits stage left swinging door, immediately enters with the abstract painting.) I copied the abstract to see if anyone would notice the diference. Te painting Carmine stole was mine. Tis is the original! (D. Gene and Wanelle gasp.) TY. (Elated, hugs Jenna.) You are a genius! (To D. Gene and Wanelle.) Show of hands for six fgures?! (Holds up his hand.) D. GENE. Hold on there. I know we all got real excited for a second, but that picture isn’t going anywhere. I gave it to Wanelle for our anniversary. WANELLE. And I have always hated it with a passion. (Takes the painting.) We’re selling this eyesore! (Everyone cheers, hugs. Wanelle and D. Gene take painting to reception desk and inspect it carefully, their backs to Ty and Jenna.) TY. (Pulls Jenna to couch.) Jenna, there’s just one more thing I want to do to prove how much I love you. (Sits her down, gets down on one knee in front of her.) JENNA. (Delighted.) Yes, Ty?! TY. Jenna Sealy, will you … give me your … foot? JENNA. Yes, Darling, I — (Bafed.) My what?! TY. (Takes her foot, slips of her shoe.) Yeah. I’m going to prove I’m just as good a foot massager as he is! (Massages her foot, she gives in. Tere’s another foot-gasm coming on.) Oh, and one more thing … will you marry me? JENNA. (In ecstasy.) YES, TY! YES! YESSSS! (Ty quickly pulls Jenna to her feet, gives her a quick kiss. Wanelle and D. Gene turn around.) TY. We’re engaged! (He and Jenna race out stage right door.) WANELLE. At last! D. GENE. Well, this day’s been one for the books.

52 WANELLE. It sure has. So this whole time you’ve been trying to fgure out a way to save the lodge and make sure we’re all right. You sweet man. (Hugs him.) I’ll gut your trout any ol’ time. D. GENE. But I shouldn’t have let it stress me out. I know I haven’t been the greatest husband lately. But Wanelle, you’ve got to know, you light up my life. I wanna hold your hand, and as far as I’m concerned, we’ve only just begun. And I know what you were trying with the hypnosis and all. I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out. WANELLE. (Caught.) Oh. You do know about that? D. GENE. Of course! You can’t get anything past me. And I’m sorry I still snore. What can I do to make it better? WANELLE. Well, since you brought it up, what I’d really like you to do is — (Saunters to upstage left door, turns back.) Shut up and fsh! (Sashays out excitedly. D. Gene goes into the trance, drops his trousers, shufes after her, exits. Blackout.)

End of Play

53 PROPERTY LIST

Perfume bottle Fishing reel Partially painted canvas Can of paint brushes Hand gun Bowls of pretzels Slip of hot pink paper Slip of white paper Duster Plate with piece of pie Fork Small clutch purse Lipstick Twigs and leaves Bottle Glass Several abstract paintings, 2 identical Water pistol that looks like a gun Bottle of vodka Cell phone Big, hairy bear paw Cell phone Briefcase with claw marks Suitcases Wet cloth Handkerchief TV set Legal papers Check

54 SOUND EFFECTS

Phone ring Wild animals growling, howling, screaming Mountain lions roaring Wolves howling Cell phone ring Loud thud Loud thump