The Drink Tank’s Final Resting Place... Or is it? the drink tank issue 72

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No, it’s Not! The Drinkflowers Tank and the Issuemarble and theSeventy-Two grass For the first time ever I wondered why perfectly maintained. It was a place I’d we put them in the ground, why we go to run around, to play with my ball. bothered putting a stone and saying it Even as a kid, I knew enough to stop was in memoriam. I never knew until running and walk gently by when I that day. saw a family member anywhere near a The Neanderthals buried their grave. That was the way it went. dead. They also may have left flowers When I was 11, I went there at and tools and such with them. They’d night. At 12, I went at night alone. At place rocks on top, presumably to 13, before I left for the love that was keep wild animals from digging them Chicago, I took a date there and we up. Early Chinese burials used stones kissed. How Goth. to mark the site of bodies. Same with That graveyard was a part of most Middle American tribes. Stone my vision as an adult. I went back to was a way of keeping the bodies down, my neighborhood and always to that the animals off of them. The stones This issue happened because Mike Swan graveyard. The two visits I made were were practical once where now they are and some other guy sent in two differ- both at night, both after climbing over merely symbolic. ent and completely unrelated stories about a low fence that they must not have I used to run around that grave- Tombstones. I figured this was a sign for meant to keep real people out. I walked yard, every inch of it, playing like a a Theme and sent an email. I got responses along and found names I remembered kid would play on a playground, but from Fannish Legends like Arnie Katz, good from the old days. James Hathouser. now, standing next to the casket that friends like Judith Morel and Andy Trem- Lucas Sweet. Miles Milo. Louisa Lusi- was lowered into the Earth, I realised bley, Pro writers like Jay Lake and Eric tana. I could remember where they that I had been doing it all wrong. I Mayer, and so many more. were, how I would bounce my ball and should have been avoiding it, should pass by them. Lusitana’s grave had a have been staying on the paths, mak- I hope you will enjoy. horizontal slab of granite that I would ing every effort to avoid stepping on lay on in the heat of summer. It stayed the patches of beautiful, perfect green We Mark Where We Place Our Dead cool in the shade all day. grass that rose above the bodies of the So We Will Never Walk There The death of my Uncle meant fallen. Those stones, those intricately by that I had to go there on official busi- carved pieces of granite and marble, Mike Swan ness. It was also the first time I’d been they told you where the bodies were to a funeral. I arrived early, he was buried, where you could walk. I grew up across the street from being buried at ten and I was there by On the way out, I went to see a graveyard. It was beautiful, all the seven. I walked around the sprawling James Hathouser’s grave: I took one grounds and looked at the tombstones. path to the next, then I stepped care- under the old, overgrown yew trees. the end of the street but from another fully in the rows and paid my respects There we heard only bird calls and state -- to see my grandmother join for a moment, secretly apologizing for the buzzing of the honeybees in the them. Most recently it was my father. the foot falls that hit him in my youth. luxuriant clover which half concealed I noticed that the cemetery flat grave markers. I’d be thrilled and had expanded but the rusting fence horrified to find I had set my sneaker, hadn’t been extended to replace the unknowingly, on a slab of polished vanished trees which had edged the granite. yards beyond. There was no longer At the oldest end of the place, any demarcation between house and lichened stones leaned against the cemetery lawns. The graves simply fence and sat in neat piles, inscriptions petered out a few feet from a childrens’ too eroded to identify. I was awed by swing set. their age. What inconceivable vastness There is room in the family plot of time would it take to wear away the still. names and memories of the living? My instructions, though, are The family plot was at the edge firm. I will be cremated and my ashes of the newer end, in the sunlight, just scattered far away, perhaps over water, beyond the yews. In early summer there were sweet, wild strawberries to be found in the grass. A Walk to the Graveyard The night after I watched my by grandfather’s coffin lowered from view Eric Mayer I lay in bed and thought about him out Fifty years ago I considered it there in the dark, in the cold, alone, so a treat to walk with my grandmother close I could have heard him shout for to the cemetery a block from where me. our family lived. When you’re six the Then it was different when my end of the street is a long way and the grandmother and I walked to the Clean cemetery on the far side of a road you cemetery. Then I was old enough to by Jay Lake can’t cross by yourself seems even read the dates on the gravestones. Dad sits on the curb each further. I helped my grandmother tend the morning and duct tapes fresh plastic The small cemetery might have geraniums by the grave. When she grocery bags over his shoes. “Can’t been another world, enclosed by a fussed with the flower bed I saw her be too careful about them germs,” he painted, wrought iron fence with a straightening my grandfather’s tie. mutters to the mossy pavement as the gate that creaked as we entered. Inside A few years later I watched an Oregon wind cuts damp capers around was quiet. The sounds of passing aunt buried and in twenty years I his weathered flesh, blousing his four traffic did not penetrate the shadows returned again -- this time not from shirts for a moment to goosepimple his street-grimed chest. With his iron hair army brass button -- Three-pack white athletic and his piercing gray eyes, Dad could -- Empty Nivea cold cream socks, new in bag be any age at all, any age of man over container with a cracked lid -- Aviator sunglasses with one thirty and not yet under the ground. -- Little girl’s left shoe, size lens missing, prescription “Got to stay clean,” he tells an orange ten, black patent-leather pump with -- Eight ball, genuine ivory tabby sauntering by. The cat pays him scarred finish antique no mind. # -- Marine Band harmonica, key Dad’s shopping cart stands The shopping cart leads him of F guard behind him, a tutelary spirit on journeys different and strange. -- Photograph of young Chinese of rusted steel encaging the many For Dad, even the sidewalk outside girl in stroller, torn and taped back mansions of Dad’s world. Dad has Goodwill on Grand Avenue can be together carefully wrapped the cart’s handle an afternoon’s distraction. His eye is -- Deflated soccer ball with leather salvaged from the caught by the natural history of gum # steering wheel of a stripped Datsun receding into the concrete like those Dad doesn’t tell people his 260Z. When he can find oil, he evolving ape pictures in reverse. A shopping cart talks to him, because greases the wheels -- sometimes it’s hypodermic needle lodged in a crack he doesn’t want them to think he is sewing machine oil, sometimes it’s glints its hard story of lank young strange. It doesn’t have a voice like a axle grease, once it was a half pint of women lost to themselves and their person, or even one of those electronic gray grease he found in a bus stop worried mothers back in Springfield toys -- Dad had a Furby for a while, trashcan, labeled “Bear Fat” in spidery or Wenatchie or Hood River. A broken but the batteries finally died. Rather, handwriting. Those thin, cold weeks bootlace requires careful consideration the shopping cart has a special code when he’s too hungry to remember his as to its salvage value, which of Dad’s of squeals and squeaks and clanks. own name, Dad licks the grease off the many mansions it might service. When it wants to tell Dad something shopping cart’s axles with a q-tip, just “You never know,” he says very important or complicated, it uses enough to calm his angry belly. to the blur of passing metal on the sign language. But he’s always clean. busy street. “A man could need to tie One day not long after they first # something tight one day, hold it close.” met, the shopping cart led Dad to a Second Nordstrom’s Bag On occasion the shopping cart billboard that read, “You’re Not Fully -- Hairbrush with no bristles leads Dad down peculiar avenues Clean Unless You’re Zestfully Clean.” -- Six Barbie doll heads, shaved dark with terror or overflowing with Dad had stared at the giant couple in bald, strung together on a bent coat history. The simple confusion he finds their matching green towels with their hanger poked through the tops of their on the sidewalk just west of Goodwill perfect white teeth and perfect pale stubbly pink scalps multiplies like locusts. skin until the sun went down. -- Portland Trailblazers ticket # Now the shopping cart helps stub from two seasons past Fourth True Value Bag him find fresh grocery bags for his feet -- Squirrel tail -- Baseball with raveled thread almost every day. Whenever he begs -- Reproduction Confederate and loose cover a little money, Dad stocks up on duct tape, even before essentials like malt doesn’t want to. The hardest journey it residence under a tombstone were liquor and Listerine. The cart likes leads Dad on ends among Douglas firs mostly a mystery. the heavy thump of a new roll of duct and tightly mown grass, surrounded My immediate family and the few tape landing in its wire-bound body. by plastic vases with wilted flowers, relatives that survived the Nazis did “Here you go, old friend,” he says, then stumbling over little rocks with discuss such things. They loved to kisses the leather-wrapped handle, memories hammered into their faces in discuss the medical condition of which is worn smooth as a child’s the name of the unforgiving dead. everyone they knew – and everyone hand. Dad unwraps his plastic bags, who knew everyone they knew – but # picks off days’ worth of duct tape, tugs the mechanics of the thing were part First Safeway Bag at his mismatched shoes, removes of the adult world into which kids were -- Man’s wedding ring, 18 karat three socks from his left foot and two not invited. gold socks from his right, and stands on the I knew at least a little about Death -- Thirty-eight mismatched sprinkler-damp lawn. The shopping as far back as grade school. Although Kwikset keys cart sighs contentment in the summer I didn’t experience the deaths of my -- Seven gray pebbles breeze as Dad braves the unclean grandparents, all of whom died before -- Gideon Bible world to bring his love closer to me. I was born, one of my closest friends -- Wooden rosary, fire-blackened developed leukemia in 4th grade and -- Small rubber monkey I went to the gut-wrenching funeral -- “Porn Star” belt buckle, about a year later. cracked -- Empty Pepto-Bismol bottle Even then, though, I only went to -- Gravestone rubbing, tightly the service. It was felt that my friend’s folded, “Ellen Mei Yuan Ewell, Beloved mom would not be able to stand the Daughter, 1997-2001” sight of us at graveside, so we returned # to school in deference to her feelings. Dad is always clean because So it was perhaps not surprising bad things happen to dirty people. that I had some serious gaps in my Dad rubs Listerine on his hands every Tombstone Territory: The knowledge of this subject. I recall being morning and gargles with it and drinks especially perturbed when my parents a little to purge his stomach. He’d Unveiling by Arnie Katz announced that we would be attending duct tape plastic bags to his entire the Unveiling of my late Uncle Joe. body to keep the bugs out, but then When I was very young, my His funeral, which had occurred people would ask too many questions. understand of death’s rituals wasn’t about a year before my folks gave me His shopping cart keeps his life very comprehensive. I got the concept this news, was the first I fully attended, separated for him, a different piece that I wouldn’t be seeing the deceased from service to interment. I hadn’t of Dad in every plastic mansion. It next Thanksgiving, but the steps forgotten, and would never forget, the leads him where each of those different by which a living person took up pieces needs to go, even when he sight of my Aunt Ida trying to leap into the grave after the coffin. I had no idea trip to a grace, but also an ambience Not following me? I’m not what else they could be doing with him not likely to instill tranquility in the surprised. a year after his demise. mind of a pubescent boy like me. Back in the 1800’s, “wealthy I had no idea, but embryonic fan A rabbi signaled for everyone to draw Mason” was kind of redundant. They that I was in my early teens, I had an closer. lived well and they most definitely died well. imagination with which to address this It was time for the Unveiling. mystery. I conjured up a vision of an So death was good, but then it Unveiling that would’ve done credit to Suddenly, without warning, the all went wrong. Stephen King or Clive Barker. In my rabbi reached out to the tombstone The Masonic Cemetery used mind, I saw them digging up Umcle Joe and ripped away the piece of gauze to lie where the University of San with the same diligence and solemnity that had unobtrusively covered the Francisco stands now. Sound a bit with which they planted him in the name on the tombstone. My mom and “Stephen King?” It’s not even “South rich earth of the Jewish cemetery. my Aunt Ida wailed, my dad looked Park.” Not in San Francisco. You Then they’d pry off the coffin lid and uncomfortable – and I felt a rush of won’t be seeing stories of USF co- make everyone bend down and peer relief. It was the Tombstone, I finally eds possessed by ravening hordes of into the coffin to see how beloved Uncle understood, not the body that was Masonic ghosts, because the mortal Joe had done underground for the being unveiled. remains (and presumably any attached previous 12 months. spirits) aren’t there anymore. In a strange and complicated series of legal My knees shook involuntarily and legislative maneuvers, the city as I scrunched in the backseat of of San Francisco, property owners my father’s Chrysler New Yorker concerned about the effect of nearby as we made the 10-mile drive to cemeteries on land values and public the cemetery. His sister, my mom, health advocates concerned about all was agitated and weepy and her those bodies in an area as densely emotionalism fed my own. With every populated as SF got new burials passing minute, I was more and more banned within the city limits and sure that I didn’t want to witness the forced the dead to be disinterred and ghastly rite they would perform on removed to new cemeteries in Colma. dear, dead Uncle Joe. Checking Out Sure, when the Legion of Honor Soon, all too soon as far I was by Andrew Trembley museum was being expanded in the early 90’s, they found paupers’ graves concerned, we joined a group mostly Life is good in the SF Bay Area, that hadn’t been removed, and the composed of relatives that already particularly if you’ve got a comfortable city golf course there is likely covering huddled around the spot where they income. more. The Masonic Cemetery (one of had buried Uncle Joe a year earlier. Death is good in the SF Bay the Big Four centered around Lone It was a cold, windswept day in New Area, particularly if you were a wealthy Mountain) got more attention and York, atmospheric as all get-out for a Mason. was removed to Colma’s Woodlawn and square and the all-seeing eye can though, the books are a bit different. Cemetery. be found on nearly every early stone Each book is a relatively uniform size, If there was no family to care and moved from the Masonic Cemetery. perhaps 10”high, 7” wide and just pay for the removal, it was a no-frills Still, not even that makes under 2” thick, The spines are a bit too affair, with new simple headstones just Woodlawn truly interesting. It’s the smooth for dark brown leather binding, being carved and put up in Colma and columbarium that’s over the top in and the printing a bit too sharp and moved bodies being placed in mass ways only San Francisco can be over white. The pages haven’t yellowed at graves. Many fancy headstones from the top. all, and are way too evenly cut for a Masonic Cemetery were broken up and As part of the process of book of the period. used to fill in the approaches to the banning burials in San Francisco and That might be because they’re new Golden Gate Bridge. eventually removing the cemeteries, all marble. Little marble boxes. Thin If you were a person of some cremation became the only option to slabs of dark brown marble make up stature, like Emperor Joshua A Norton grieving family members who wanted the covers. Thin slabs of white marble I, you got a lot of ceremony, but not their beloveds’ mortal remains interred on the remaining 3 sides make up the necessarily anything more. Norton nearby, and the Masonic Cemetery “pages.” The spine is shaped with a also got a simple no-frills replacement saw to that market. A wealthy clientele nice gentle arch,. Inset into that spine headstone only recently “upgraded” by paid for a beautiful and heavily used are white marble letters stating the friends of Empress José I, the Widow columbarium, and one that was for the name of the departed, with engraved Norton. most part trucked to Woodlawn and and white-filled numerals indicating But if you had family… reassembled in the new site. their birth and death. Nearly every Wealth begets wealth, and many Art nouveau bas-reliefs decorate spine is also engraved with Masonic illustrious “residents” of the Masonic the staircase landing leading down symbols, presumably indicating rank Cemetery got a bit more perpetual care to the gents’ restroom (lined with or honors received. (paid for by their descendents) as they nearly as much marble as the rest of That’s not all, though. It made their way from their final resting the facility). Family niches featuring wouldn’t be an old club library place to their final resting place. amazing stonework and beautiful without bookends, figures and statues Woodlawn Cemetery is a place wrought iron gates branch of grand scattered amongst the books, and of contrasts. A non-denominational hallways. there are plenty to satisfy. Like the cemetery, it’s home to many modern You haven’t seen anything, books, though, they’re not quite what granite headstones beautifully lettered though, until you’ve seen the library. they seem. Most are hollow bronzes in Chinese with porcelain portraits of Or rather “The Sanctuary of that (not surprisingly) also house the dear departed. It’s also home to Love.” mortal remains. some really fabulous Victorian and The Sanctuary of Love is a It’s a uniquely obsessive shared early 20th century Masonic headstones. library, much like one would find in memorial. I can’t imagine the pitch While obelisks are most common a late Victorian gentlemans’ club. Its made when someone came up with amongst the large monuments, dark shelves speak of wealth and age. the idea. I can only assume that Masonic symbols such as the compass Behind the barrister-style glass doors, this was wild excess created by the demand for cremation and the desire We kissed at some graves, those where You Know, Tombstone Design would seem to memorialize loved ones in a special husband and wife had been buried to be a serious matter, but Hilary Ayer fashion. Looking at the number of together in love and devotion. Burns & sent this submission which proves other- books, it was obviously popular with Allen was one. She kissed me deeply wise. the Masons of the day. and said ‘That is how we’ll spend eter- I can think of worse places than nity.’ Do It Yourself Tombstone a library to spend the rest of eternity. When she left me, I sat in a Generation Kit graveyard for hours crying. It’s the Here lies place you should do such things, no ______(#1) one will care why you’re crying; it’s In life he/she/heshe/it/they perfectly expected. I walked home and I ______(#2) got in my car. We were going to drive to As you walk by this grave, see Poe’s grave. I made the trip myself. ______(#3) My car was broken into around Tulsa. But never I didn’t care. I took the photo of the ______(#4) grave and I emailed it to her. She never Multiple Choice: responded. #1- Marvin the Martian, Old Paint, The Tombstone is The Final Marker A Sad Song Written in the Key by of Q, Days of Whine and Roses, Johnathan Mills 000101, The Last Romantic, Badeye Bill When I was a boy, I worried that #2- Never missed a race day, tugged the gravestones would come to life, at many a heartstring, 10101, those stones like teeth on a giant rasp. failed to take over the galaxy, I was affraid of them, the stones that disintegrated self many times, seemed to sprout from the lawn of the was faithful till the end, never cemetary that we walked by almost saw a bottle xe didn’t like, never every day. I never took the dare to walk sat still, (censored), through it: I’d be eaten. #3- Shed a tear for me, modulate I met a girl once who loved to a new harmonic, leave my graveyards and tombstones and laying saddle for a stone, 1111101, not on top of the site of bones and coffins. a penny shall you have, kiss her Cammie wore black cloth, heavy eye- for me – you twit – if you won’t liner, pale skin like bone in the face. kiss her for yourself, look out – She brought me with her to Forest they may be gaining on you, dye Lawn, then Hollywood Forever, and we your hair and dance a tune even went to Colma and took photos. (#4). say I told you not to love, fail to pay your grave taxes, In many ways, Grace Murray wait for the moon to change, Hopper gets a lot of credit for being the 0001000, leave a parking ticket, inventor of COBOL, which isn’t actu- spill whiskey, pay the butcher’s ally true since she wasn’t even on the bill. committee. She is responsible for FLO- MATIC, whcih in many ways influenced the design of COBOL, along with Bob Bemer who wrote a programme called COMTRAN. The Short Range Committee spun off a six person sub-committee only real artifact in the collection that to design the specs. They were William fits the theme of this issue. To fully un- Selden and Gertrude Tierney of IBM, derstand it, we have to take you back Howard Bromberg and Howard Dis- to the 1950s. count of RCA and Vernon Reeves and COBOL was one of those three Jean E. Sammet of Sylvania Electric big languages that popped up on just Products. Sammet would become very about every computer in the 1950s. important in the future as the catalo- The COmmon Business Oriented Lan- ger of Computer Languages. guage, COBOL was the choice of busi- By late 1959, the sub-committee ness (and, ironically the CIA and FBI) had published the specifications, and while FORTRAN was for science and ALGOL was for the filthy foreigners. COBOL was created by a committee, like all good things. The committee that led to COBOL was originally called the Short Range Committee. The purpose of the group was to design a business lan- Slightly Short Sighted: The COBOL Tomb- guage, and oddly enough, it was the stone Government that started the whole by thing. The Pentagon was where the Christopher J. Garcia group began, but it was the National There aren’t many artifacts at Bureau of Standards that put every- the Computer History Museum that thing together. They pulled people from regularly elicit laughs, but there’s one six companies and various government that does so very often. It’s also the agencies to put together the specifica- tions in 1959. a lot of folks thought they were pure report. Starting with the 1840s, many The idea for this version of the crap. There were many arguments major Newspapers sent men to the story of The Cowboys vs. The Earps about it and the Short Range commit- frontier to send back articles on what and Doc Holiday was around for a long tee fought greatly, saying that changes was going on during the Westward Ex- time, some say ten years before they needed to be made. They were prob- pansion. Many of these reporters never finally got it made. It was influenced by ably right too. Some joker decided to got any further West than St. Louis, The Wild Bunch as well as the works of play a prank and went out and bought and many not even half that far. Still, directors like Sam Fuller. It was a raw a tombstone. these articles gave birth to the West- script that called for a director who un- That’s right, a literal tombstone. ern novel, the earliest ones done by the derstood who to manage the material. The stone had COBOL on it and same reporters who were writing up They made an odd choice. a little sheep to guide thee to thy rest. their ‘Western’ experiences. The West- George P. Cosmatos was a di- It’s a funny little tombstone, and with ern play was big business, especially rector of some reknown for his work the sheep it was probably meant for a as a part of Wild West shows and the on action films. He was known prior child, but no one has ever claimed re- like. William S. Hart and Tom Mix both to Tombstone for the films Leviathan sponsibility for sending it to the office. worked the Theatre and Wild West and the Sly Stallone vehicle Cobra. He If I’d done it, I certainly would have Show circuit. was a good actioner, so they must have wanted my stamp there alongside. Broncho Billy, along with Hart figured that he’d do OK with a Western and Mix, became the first generation that behaved like an action-revenge of Western film stars. Their films were thriller. rough and tumble, especially the films The story starts with Wyatt like Hart’s Hells Hinges. They were far Earp’s arrival in Tombstone...well, grittier than anyone remembers, most- that’s not true, it begins with some ly because they were before the Hayes voice-over that really sets the stage Code and could do fun stuff like that. read by Robert Mitchum. It’s actually Once the code was over, when they wonderful set-up for the film. The film really could have done some ground- sets everything up beautifully, with breaking stuff, the Western was al- ready starting to fade away. True, you had the Eastwood/Leone stuff, but mostly US Westerns with John Wayne and the company were growing stale. I m Your Huckleberry: The Film Tombstone The Wild Bunch made everyone ex- by cited, as Peckinpah doing a Western is SaBean MoreL and Christopher J. Garcia brilliant indeed, but it wasn’t until the 1990s that they did the Western that The Western film grew out of the would snap everything up. Western novel and play, both of which That Western was Tombstone. came from the Western newspaper Wyatt coming to Tomb- that ’stache you can’t stone after his stint as go wrong. Bill Pullman Sheriff in the Dakotas is equally great in his and Morgan and Virgil role, though it’s Sam already there. On his Elliot who was born to first day, he runs across star in Westerns. Dana Josephine, the future Mrs. Delaney, no relation to Earp, who is in town as Chip, is breathtaking an actress. This may as Josie. The love story have been true, but she is slightly tacked-on, ways calling to mind another guy who was also something of a but it’s true, at least to was over-looked for many years, Mr. call girl. Truth and cin- a degree. There’s Billy Lance Hendriksen. ema have little in com- Zane in a role playing a There’s a lot to like. The way mon. Shortly after com- traveling Shakespearean they present the Gunfight at the OK ing to Tombstone and actor and Jason Priestley Corral is interesting, and probably opening their bar/casino, playing a supposedly gay slightly better than the one in the film the Earps run afoul of the Cowboys, a guy who runs with the Cowboys. That’s Gunfight at the O.K. Corral. It’s beauti- gang of rough-riding ne’er-do-wells. subtext, but it’s well-implied. There’s fully shot and so well-edited that you After a while, the Earps run into my man Michael Biehn as one of the just have to love it. an old friend: Doc Holliday. Doc is Cowboys. You’ve also got future Oscar If the violence in Tombstone is played by a gent name of Val Kilmer. nominee Thomas Hayden Church and troubling, it’s because movies weren’t It’s almost undeniable that Kilmer was the guy who was Lucky, John Corbett, where they are now. Yes, there were at the top of his game here. He was in smaller Cowboy roles. And there’s many violent films before, in fact the intense and funny and perfect for the Michael Rooker and Charleston Heston Rambo films were six years prior to role of the most intense and funny too! Tombstone, but Tarantino and Singer man in the Old West. Kilmer plays the Possibly the best performance and even the Cohens hadn’t made vio- TB victim as having an itchy trigger aside from Kilmer goes to Powers lence a required part of storytelling yet. finger and a strained body. His delivery Booth. You may know him from the The film is just this side of The Wild reminds me of Dusty Rhodes from the show Deadwood, where he’s equally 1980s. He’s sly and he’s fast and he’s brilliant. Here he played Curly Bill, smart. It’s a performance that is inches the leader of the Cowboys. Now, while from chewing the scenery, but never the Cowboys were a loose group with- really goes that far. out any real ‘leadership’, it is true that The rest of the cast is amply Curly Bill was considered the roughest brilliant. Wyatt, played by the depend- and toughest and had a group of cro- able Kurt (the Computer Wore Ten- nies that ran with him. Booth is one fo nis Shoes) Russel, is tough and with the most underrated film/tv actors of our times. He’s so good here, in many amazing cinematography and bril- There Are More Tombstones

liant pacing (not to mention turns by than Dinner Plates in That City: Leo DiCapprio and Sharon Stone that John Paul Garcia are notable), neither combines every- Colma really came to life, so to thing together to form such a powerful speak, when the CIty Fathers of San film as Tombstone. Sadly, the director Francisco decided to stop allowing passed away in 2005 and Mitchum is burials in city limits. That was 1900 also left and gone-away. ValMer has and things in SF were looking really never managed to hit the same note golden (and for six more years they Bunch for violent expression and it’s again, and neither has Russel (Posei- were). The city of Colma, previously easily the most intense film of the early don may change that). It’s a great film, only a stop on a railway with maybe 1990s. In a year that gave us Schin- one of the true legends of the West. ten inhabitants, was picked as the site dler’s List, the performance of Ralph for more cemeteries to deal with the Fiennes is nothing compared to that of dead of San Francisco. For more than Kilmer as Doc. Tom Hanks in Philadel- a decade, people who passed in SF phia pales to Kilmer or Booth for that were buried in Colma. matter. Liam Neeson would have meas- Then, in 1912, the City of San ured up well to Russel, but no way he Francisco, now flush with investment competes with Val. It was that good a monies from folks sweeping in after performance. the ’06 Quake, decided that it was time The way the film is made, even to evict the existing graveyards. This with a lot of innaccuracies, is still pow- A Short Piece of Trivia from Andy led to most of the graves in the several SF cemeteries being transported off erful and entertaining. It wasn’t until Trembley Ocean’s 11 in 2001 that any film came to Colma as well. Several significant close to being this cool again. It’s prob- Wyatt Earp’s tombstone isn’t in graves were sent over, including ably the best performances of Russel, Tombstone. Emperor Norton’s grave, which was Kilmer, Elliott, Delaney, and Priestley. It’s in Colma. moved in 1934. The cinematography is Oscar-caliber At the Little Hills of Eternity Since then, the city of Colma and the editing is magical. The music Jewish Cemetery. has grown to around a thousand living people and nearly a million dead ones. is solid and everything swings together So is he, or at least what’s left of There are numerous people amazingly well. him. of note buried in Colma, including The two other modern Westerns William Randolph Hearst (though not that compare most favourably, Unfor- And that leads nicely into... his loving Marion Davies, who was an given and The Quick & The Dead, lack San Franciscan originally), Former the slickness that Tombstone man- Colma: The City of the Dead SF Mayor Joseph Alioto, The Yankee aged. None of the acting in Unforgiven by Clipper Joe DiMaggio (SF Born and is on the level of Kilmer (Hackman Christopher J. Garcia with help from Raised) and of course, Wyatt Earp, comes closest) and though TQ&TD has Johnny Garcia whose third ‘wife’ was a Jewish lass (or The Clampers) have a Doin’ at Cheryl Morgan, at BASFA after I had who wanted to be buried with him so Emperor Norton’s grave in Colma’s announced the Tombstone issue, menitoned they ended up in the Jewish cemetary Heartland Cemetery. They have a guy that there was a Procol Harum song that in Colma. dress as Norton and they are all drunk would fit the theme. She was kind enough Colma’s a lovely city, and and most smoke cigars and a minor quite, not surprisingly. They have ceremony is held. to forward the lyrics to me. one tradition that I enjoy more than Since I was a kid, I’ve always any other, though I’ve never actually loved Emperor Norton’s story, and Something Following Me witnessed it. since I first heard of the Clampers by On January 8th of every year, (during college I encountered the Procol Harum the group known as E Clampus Vitus Mountain Charlie Chapter in a While standing at the junction on 42nd Newspaper article) I’ve wanted to be a Street member (which is offered by invitation I idly kick a pebble lying near my feet only). This event sounds perfect. I hear a weird noise, take a look up If you’re interested in seeing and down Colma, go up 280 from San Jose and The cause of the commotion is right there’s an exit right before you enter there on the ground SF. If you’re coming from the North, go south until you’re in San Jose and Imagine my surprise, thought I’d left it then follow the directions from there. at home but there’s no doubt about it, it’s my own tombstone

I went into a shop, and bought a loaf of bread I sank my teeth into it, thought I’d bust my head I dashed to the dentist, said, ‘I’ve got an awful pain!’ The man looks in my mouth and screams, ‘This boy is insane!’ Imagine my surprise, thought I’d left it at home but there’s a lump in my mouth of my own tombstone

I went to see a movie, got the only empty seat I tried to stretch out in it, something In The Same Vein... blocking my feet We recently got a bunch of items

Finally the lights came up, and I could that I thought were kinda cool and clearly see just recently found out what they were a slab of engraved marble, just staring called. up at me In the days of joy called the Imagine my surprise, thought I’d left it 1980s, it became popular to mark your at home IPO or Merger or just about any other but there’s no doubt I’m sitting on my majour business event by getting a own tombstone lucite (or sometimes steel or marble or even wood) thingee made. These had been done since the 1950s, but there were so many of these done in the in the field of Computers, the Museum 1980s that it became almost comical. started getting dozens of these things. With the HUGE explosion in Tech com- I always called them paperweights, panies in the 1990s, there were hun- but just yesterday I had a visit from dreds and hundreds of these things someone who had donated about two made and given out. Like everything dozen of them from MicroSoft, Borland, Aldus, and a bunch of other compa- nies. She was a former investment banker and she was cleaning out her Ganked from Wikipedia office since she was going on towards Tombstone ads are most often a career as a historical researcher for a used in the financial industry, where large university’s alumni committee. a particular transaction (such as an “Yeah, I was with a company offering or placement of stock of a that specialized in Early Graves.” company) is formally announced, in “Early graves?” a form that discloses the participants “Yeah, we would couple with a in a specified order according to their company and then find a way to con- role in underwriting or brokering the quer their competition and then we’d transaction. (See bulge bracket.) In give our client a Tombstone like the the United States, securities regula- ones in this box as a sign that we’d tions require that most such adver- managed to send the company to an tising be in tombstone form, in order Early Grave. MicroSoft used us for to prevent the advertisement to be years and years. I still have about perceived as promotion of the par- ten of the ones we did for them. We’d ticular stock issue involved. spend twenty grand on these things, even sending them to the Presidents of that I don’t believe in ghosts. There throws himself on the floor, and wigs the companies we bought out. Lots of have been enough unexplainable out screaming like a girlie-man, I just fun those were.” phenomena over the years to indicate start laughing, gagging on my popcorn. Most of the ones she gave us that there’s something to this I think Most Haunted is one of the were from IPOs, but there were a few supernatural realm and all that make funniest shows on television, but that’s that announced ‘Completed Take- me at least keep an open mind about just my opinion. Overs’ and a few that celebrated ‘Glori- the subject. Underneath it all, maybe I I’ve said it before and I’ll say it ous Mergers’. don’t believe in the afterlife, evil spirits, again: I’d almost prefer it to be a So, when I said we only had one and all that rot, but it still makes for a fake because that way would make artefact that would qualify for this is- fun story. things much more entertaining. sue, I was just plain wrong. Being born into the belief in ghosts Derek plays his role so well. is tricky, because you want to rebel I used to own a copy of Walter and not believe, but I’ve discovered Carlos’ LP “The Well-Tempered that there’s way too much stuff Synthesizer” on which he recorded a goin’ on to ignore. whole mess of Bach’s compositions. It Thinking about it a bit more, I was a great record, and I also liked his think we corporeal beings like having work on “A Clockwork Orange”, which The LoCer From Texas That Y’all the ka-ka scared out of us at times. is one of the most disturbing movies Must Appreciate: John Purcell Kind of like living on the edge, as it ever made. The book was really good, Hey, were. Maybe this is because we need too, but I really liked the way Kubrick It seems like you’re back on to feel the adrenaline rush of the hunt envisioned and realized it as a movie. track, cranking out the fmz with your and chase we had in our primitive Definitely great movie-making. old rapid-fire delivery time again. stage of existence, or something like I’ve heard a lot of Switched-On Another good issue with a fun cover of that. There is definitely something Bach, though I’ve never owned a a doctored photo. It almost looks real, primeval about being scared, though. copy. Clockwork Orange is a great which would be funny. The shows you mention, especially flick. It’s hard for me to watch Sooner or Later there’ll be a Drink Most Haunted, don’t scare me, but at times because of the way they Tank State Park. That’s the next I do find them amusing. Personally, depict the violence, but the way step! I think Yvette Fielding is a foxy lady Kubrick directed it has had a Your recap of the ghost-hunting who would believe just about anything serious effect on my ideas about television shows is really well-written. you said along the lines of “here there filmmaking. I think the development of Reality be spirits.” Derek Acorah is, in my Good luck with the NFFF TV made this kind of show a natural estimation, either a con artist, a very and linking it more positively with - or is that “a supernatural”? As long bad over-actor, or possibly a real Fandom At Large. It was formed for as I can remember, I have always medium. So much of what he says can a reason, and that was to provide a loved a good ghost story. Never had be interpreted in multiple ways, and common ground in which sf fans can an encounter, but that doesn’t mean when he shifts into different voices, correspond and do things together. Over the years various personages anyone else! Chris Asked Me To Write About have misused their positions in Besides, I had two pages to fill. Tombstones the N3F, giving the organization an Nothing fills pages better than by undeserving black eye. I think that my curly-haired head Judith Morel your energy will rub off on it and its You and Lloyd Penney talk about membership, and hopefully help the Zeppelins. Ken Fletcher used to draw I’m not a Goth girl like I was in group to grow. It still has relevance in the best fannish zeppelins back in the High School, when I nearly ODed on fandom today. I doubt if I’ll ever join it, day; one would be up there, floating eyeliner and face powder. I don’t have but knowing that it’s out there will give over Minneapolis, with a long banner long stories of going to graveyards or me another site to visit and things to waving behind it saying “Mpls in ‘73.” coming across an Indian burial ground read. Definitely good luck to you, kind Fun stuff. in the middle of the night. I’ve never sir. Must get Zeppelin Art! I am, in fact, been to Tombstone, AZ. I’ve never I’m already getting a litle bit of a supporter of Mpls in ‘73’! had a Tombstone Pizza. I’ve almost no traction with The Directorate and Well, not much else to comment connection with Tombstones. they’ve been into the ideas I’ve on, so I think I’ll sign off and get ready But they’re everywhere. thrown their way, which has only for class. Take it easy, and. . . My job involves getting things been a couple of things, but they Well, don’t let me hold you up... for people that they don’t know how to were into them and I’m currently Whoops! find. Even with eBay, there are items working on the first of them. My cell-phone just vibrated on of desire that are not easy to locate. Hey, I wrote that fanzine review my hip. I have it on silent mode so Ever tried to find a Minolta Minolcom? column about you in my zine for a other folks here won’t be disturbed by It’s not easy, but it’s also what’s reason: Good Press. I felt that you the Monty Python theme ringtone. required to make an exact replica of have produced a body of work that All the best, the Ghostbusters costumes. Ever seen deserved a proper mention and that John Purcell a Luke Provescya bubble gum card? I you should be commended for your I don’t have a custom ringtone, but have. Took me nearly six weeks to get energy, enthusiasm, and devotion to if I did, it would be Monty Python’s one of them out from Russia and it the cause. The zines and writings that Theme (or Sunshine & Lollipops). It required me to learn how to read the you have produced in the past year or was the recessional at my Emerson Cyrilic alphabet. so are fun to read, and this was my Graduation. Almost all the items I’m asked way of saying thank you. to get are tombstones. Not just of dead I was quite surprised, and happily people, though I always get two or so. I tend to get a little bit of press three requests for items after someone from folks for all the stuff I do famous dies (Ask me about how I got a (mentions in various fanzines and dozen Johnny Cash guitar picks), but on a few blogs). I was so happy. they’re all tombstones of moments in You and Peter Sullivan seem to be people’s lives. singing my praises louder than I once had to find a 1969 edition of the Neiman-Marcus catalog. It stuff from one of the funniest men who I think there’s too much meaning took me forever, I went to N-M and ever lived. He said that he had first in some objects. That catalog, that they weren’t helpful at all. There are a seen it on a date at the Silent Movie film, the baseball card, all of them are few private collectors, but they’re not Theatre in 1980 or so. He actually got markers for the distant past when we the nicest of people to deal with and it a little misty eyed talking about the could be doing everything it’d take finally took me traveling out to Sparta, time and the way they had wonderful to bring those moments back or at NY, to finally talk one of the guys out date and a long relationship that least build them into truths we can of one of his spares. I brought it to my ended badly. Chaplin made for a good deal with. The old guy could have client, an eighty year old millionaire in tombstone to that moment. reconciled with his son, the producer the gallery business, and he told me I’ve even done it in my personal could have stopped his bitching and how his son had worked on the lay-out life with a gent whose initials are made the relationship work. I could of the issue. It was his first job after he CHRISTOPHER J GARCIA. We once have held on and tried to make things came back from ’nam. He told me the went to a baseball card show. I love work with Chris via long hard talks story and he flipped through the pages. collectors shows (so much money to with the sister I was so busy hating. I didn’t press, but I got the feeling that made bringing things out of there to Instead, we chose to bury those he didn’t talk to his son much, and the richer people who want the stuff moments and plant a stone at their since he mentioned his Grandkids, without the interaction with dealers) heads. It’s a shame. I figured his son was still around. and Chris is almost as big a fan. He He wanted the catalog to serve as saw a beautiful Willie McCovey card a reminder, a tombstone for that and he debated for almost an hour moment in history when his son came over whether he should buy it or not. home and started real life again. In the end, he passed it up. Later Another memorable one was my that day, when I was flush with cash My Tombstone search for a 1920s movie. He wanted from having sold an old tobacco card, by a 16mm reduction, which are usually I bought Chris a Yaz baseball card James Mient Willis easier to find. The movie was a comedy where he had the giant sideburns. I’ve thought a lot about it and I from Mr. Chaplin called The Circus. Chris kissed me. Later, I contacted know what I want on my Tombstone. While Chris loves Harold Lloyd (and that first dealer and bought Chris his I want it to express my time here on please SHUT UP about him, Chris) card, after talking him down to nearly Earth, the ways in which I’ve lived and SaBean is a giant Buster Keaton 60% of the price. I gave it to him the and the ways in which I’ve changed fan, I like Chaplin. I spent a lot of next time he came down to see me (and because of those around me. I want time digging around old shoppes in SaBean...grumble) and it was a nice to tell everyone that I love them, that Hollywood and combing the on-line experience. I think he knew that it was they mean everything to me, that I am desert until I finally found one for a a tombstone for the moment he kissed grateful for having them. It’s a deep price slightly below rubies. I bought me (Well, I do now!-CG) and I’ve seen thought to convey in such a way... but it and I gave it to the guy. He sat me it at his place in a location of honour, with that in mind, I’d like Pepperoni down and we watched it together. Good so I’m OK with that. and Sausage. partment is just too much fun and it ball and was gives me an excuse to take a trip and pretty good, read and watch movies. That and I just by no means love being a part of FAPA. great, but he And fear not, fellow Neffers, I’ll could move still be doin’ my duty to the Club. better than a lot of guys who were his size. This led him to the eys of promot- er Fritz Von Erich (aka Jack Adkisson) who thought he’d make a good wres- tler. He was half-right. He brought him The Future of The Drink Tank and SF in into his World Class Championship SF Not on the Theme, but it needs Wrestling promotion in the mid-1980s, to be said. Warren Harris, the founder but he was green and a weak wrestler, of SF/SF and the current lay-out mas- so he didn’t really go far for a number Tombstone: The History of The Under- ter, is leaving for greener pastures. I’m of years. I believe he was also working taker sad to see him go because he’s one of as a bouncer at the time as well, which the best Lay-out dudes I’ve ever seen. isn’t hard to believe. He used various “The Phenom, the Undertaker!” I’ll miss having his clean, clear design names, including Texas Red and, my There’s little to say about a man as a part of SF/SF. I’ve been given the personal favourite that he used in Ja- who’s near seven feet tall and tougher task of lay-out from here on out and pan, Punisher Dice Morgan. than nails, but you always gotta try at it’s going to affect The Drink Tank. By 1989, he had caught the eye times like these. The Undertaker is one No, I’m not going to stop doing of the good people in World Champion- of, if not THE biggest star the WWE it. That would be crazy of me. But I will ship Wrestling. They were fight a los- has on their roster. He’s been around probably not be getting to one every ing fight against the World Wrestling since the end of the Hogan era, has week, but I’ll try. SF/SF is a big zine Federation and needed bigger guys to been the champion a few times and is and lay-out will probably take a lot of get the attention of the fans. At least one of the symbols of modern wres- time, so we’ll see how it goes. that was the thought at the time. Cala- tling. In the mean time, I’ve been way could move, he was a strong guy The Undertaker’s real name forced (by myself) to drop out of eAPA, and had a big Flying Clothesline that is Mark Calaway. That’s the correct which is sad because I really enjoyed looked pretty awesome, so they signed spelling, don’t worry though everyone, it, and will be dropping The Everlast- him up. They put him in a team called including people who should know bet- ing Club when my membership is up. The Skyscrapers with Dan Spivey. He ter, gets it wrong at least half the time. Bummers both, they are, but for my went by the name Mean Mark Callous. He was born in Texas, Houston to be sanity, it’s probably for the best. I’ll He eventually went to being a singles precise, and he wanted to be a basket- stick with FAPA because Claims De- wrestler and even had a title match ball player. In high school, he played against Lex Luger, who was really good Calaway had a serious back injury, so at the time. The stint there wasn’t in a terrible match, they had a dozen a big deal. He never gained that big bad guys come and put him in the cas- a following, and despite being kinda ket and then did some weird wire work impressive at his size, he was let go in to say that UT had died. He was away October of 1990. That was the worst for six months. decision that WCW would ever make. After that, they had a fake Un- The WWF’s main brain is Vince dertaker come in and they feuded. This McMahon, but there are always others for years and years. He was a big was the worst period of the UT age. who are there to talk to him and make name manager and a great talker in When Mick Foley came in, he good recommendations to him. It’s the World Class promotion. He was in feuded with The Undertaker in match- been said that Pat Patterson was the many ways a low-rent Bobby Heenan. es that were violent and smart brawls. one who said that Vince should sign I always loved Percy, even though he These helped bring the WWE back into Mr. Calaway to a deal and try and give was a bad guy. They brought him in, the spotlight and make people under- him a killer gimmick. The gimmick is dyed his hair black, his face powdered stand that wrestling was changing. pure genius. The Undertaker is a su- white and they called him Paul Bearer. Foley would do the stunts and Taker pernatural being with all sorts of pow- They had him do the promos and with would win the matches. This was a ers. He can teleport (which explains that pairing, everything fell into place. feud of the year. why he’s always disappearing and The Undertaker took off, beat- After that, UT went through escaping locked coffins), and he can ing Hogan for the belt, though they changes, becoming less about the cause lighting to strike and can take stripped it from him due to contro- Supernatural and more about being command of video feeds. It was a gim- versy, and then he did a job to Hogan an American Badass. He won the title mick that had never been tried on the to give the belt back to him. He feuded from Sycho Sid at WrestleMania and level that they were using it with him. with Jake Roberts, the Undertaker and then held it until Bret Hart beat him, His first match was at Survivor various others. leading to the famous Montreal finish Series 1990 where he teamed with Ted He turned face with the feud that ended up with Shawn Michaels DiBiase. They called him Kane, The against Jake and ended up feuding and Vince McMahon screwing Bret out Undertaker, but eventually dropped with guys like Giant Gonzalez, who is of the title. the Kane and reused it when Kane, his among the worst wrestlers of all-time, In October 1997, Shawn supposed brother, came and joined the and Kamala. These feuds did OK, but Michaels and The Undertaker had the Fed. He was managed by Brother Love, the big one came later. first Hell in a Cell match. It was a steel who was also given some of the credit While Undertaker was turning, cage with a lid on it and it was violent for helping create the gimmick. They the title had been given to The Nature and bloody and wonderful. Easily the were together for a while, but another Boy Ric Flair, and then to Macho Man best match the big man ever had. The Texas legend was called in and given a Randy Savage, and then back to Flair finish introduced his brother Kane. role. and then Bret Hitman Hart. Then it Undertaker went through his Percy Pringle was a manager ended up on the waist of Yokozuna. real slack period in 1998-2000. He wasn’t a major player, and even took course, he’ll always be remembered for years in the business so that I can see time off to recover from years of inju- his Tombstone, the inverted piledriver. him work a few more great ones. Hi ries. He mostly feuded with, and then The Piledriver is one of the most spec- smatches with Angle lately have proven teamed with, Kane. tacular moves in wrestling. In Mexico that he can still go if he has to. I just By 2001, he was back in the it’s an automatic disqualification, same hope they don’t keep him around too game and feuding with HHH, the big- with Memphis. It’s a move where you long and he ends up like some of the gest star and the greatest heel at the turn the guy upside-down, then fall other broken-down superstars. time. He was a tough guy and would back or to your knees making it look throw lots of punches and work re- like you’ve just driven his head into ally hard. He had some fine matches the mat. In reality, the guy shrugs his with Kurt Angle starting in 2002. Kurt, shoulders, lifting his head and prevent- a legendary Amateur and a great pro ing serious damage, though there have too, brought out the best in the big been many cases of that failing, includ- man and they had matches that would ing the famous Steve Austin version make you think that both of them were from Owen Hart. Undertaker’s is the Hall of Fame caliber workers. Really, best known version, but he’s not the OK, that’s all. I really wanna only Kurt was, but he had enough left first to have done it. thank Jay Lake for his fiction, Eric over to lend some to UT. They had a The Undertaker just had his Mayer and Andy Trembley and Mike couple of great matches earlier this biggest moneymaking moment this Swan and John Mills and Cheryl year too. year. They released a three-disc set of Morgan and Arnie Katz and My Pops I wouldn’t expect Mark to get Undertaker’s best matches. The great and SaBean Morel and Judith Morel another run with the Championship ones were almost all there, including and John Purcell and of course Me. anytime soon. He’s about 40, he’s had a lot of the Foley matches, the famous Y’all did a great job in providing injuries and he’s sorta a better attrac- Hell in the Cell, a Hart match, and at wonderful content. I’d also like to tion without the belt. least one HHH and Angle match. Can’t say thanks to Victor Banis and to Watching an Undertaker match argue that they made some good choic- M Lloyd for sending stories that I re- can be tedious, he’s sometimes a me- es. It’s the best DVD that the WWE has ally enjoyed, but at twenty pages al- thodical worker and can really slow put out since the ECW history DVD ready, there’s just not enough room down a match’s flow, but he usually and I’d say it’s even better than the big for ’em and still being able to print punctuates it with his athleticism. He’s selling and well-loved Bret Hart DVD some for BASFA. Got comments: known for that Flying Clothesline and that came out at almost the same time. [email protected]. a spot where he gets an arm-wringer The name of the Undertaker’s DVD: on and then climbs up the ropes, Tombstone: The History of The Under- walks half-way across and jumps off ker with a clubbing forearm. They call So, that’s the tie-in. I’m a fan, that old school. He’s added a trian- though not as big as many people gle choke to his move list recently. Of are, and I hope he spends a few more