'Hell , Gu tte r ' alm os t rep laces 'Hail , Co lby, hail ' as schoo l cheer

by Claus von Bulow coup against an institution out as Stab 'die Satan' professors who disagreed since Reagan's storming of Nicklemann was brought in with him. "That's when we Colby Chancellor Wilhelm the Capitol in 1981, and from his Montana hideout; began to worry a little," said Gutter 's already tenuous ultimately extend his Treasurer Brokemiser was Dean of Goodness Rejoyce hold over his campus was dominance over all of the replaced with Ironhardt, and McFetus. "I got a com plaint further weakened yesterday NESCACA. former Dean of Rodents from Dean of Admissions when it was revealed that he In fact , the preliminary Burly Schmidt was elevated General McArthur that he had been plotting a fascist motions were already well to Minister of der College. was having a hard time takeover of the school next under way when-the plot was finding only blond, blue-eyed Next, the files of Die preps to attend here." Then year. The plot was un- discovered . Beginning in Ancient Marriner were covered by two KDR's, who 1979, when the aging quietly burned along with she listed complaints from while trashing his office for a President von Striderburg back issues of the Alumnus. granolas and non- prank,. discovered the announced his retirement, Then Pieter Kinky, conformists who were being secret files outlining the Herr Gutter curiously propaganda minister, began denied the opportunity to plan. jumped at the chance to lead an intense campaign to build leave Colby and made to live "Gott himmel," he replied Colby-a job no one else in in campus ghettos like the up the image of a blonde, Mary Loew annex. to the charges from his America had shown the blue-eyed, Izod master rubber room in Augusta. "I slightest interest in. "Combined with Security 's student. The trustees, led by beating of noisy kn-n-now nuthink." Once in office, a quiet, but Robert . 'Neville Cham- random But the files, now being deadly behind-the-scenes berlain' Anthony, swallowed students and Doc Lovi tz' stored somewhere in the purge was carried - out the propaganda hook, line, surgical experimentation on library where no one can among the administration in and sinker per usual. They pregnant women in Camp find them, revealed quite a the Euschstag. Dean Paul Garrisohed-Dachau, I were so enthused, in fact, '' Presiden t Gutter flees to the different story. Herr Gutter Dense-one was replaced by that they contributed decided to take action , she airport after a tough day of was to lead the most devious, St. Pauli Deranged; Vice- said. millions of marks into a Thus, McFetus ordered the plo tting and back^stabb i ng . merciless, efficient fascist Chancellor Pullin was edged Colby 2001 Kapital cam- paign. Down in Amerika, the KDR's to play the pranks in Parents First Kofnmittee, Gutter's office. "Boy am I ever glad theyof did ," she said.. Colby outvotes Harvard in Guide were slightly more '^The plans Herr Gutter It was much the same story with academics. Most of the suspicious of Gutters in- by EdwardJ. TskTsk arid his top Euzis were truly Ivies received from four to five stars "because they were tentions, but since Colby was shocking." First, Gutter had kinda good." Most of the smaller NESCACs received three on the other side of the planned to build his master Hot on the heels of the highly successful Yale Daily stars apiece "because they weren't as good." There were Kennebec River they failed Spews' Insiders' Guide to Colleges and New York Tymes student race to take over exceptions though. Bates and Bowdoin only got one star to percieve the threat. NESC ACIA and ship the non- Selective Guide to Colleges, the Colbie Echo's Ultra- each-a rating which elicited howls of disapproval from Gutter's plot grew more Selective Guide to Colleges has taken the academic world preps to redneck camps in both campuses. "If we only got one, how come Colby suspect though, when he northern . Next, by storm..,and ruffled a few feathers in the process. didn't?" asked students at Bowdoin. "We're every bit as attempted to censor Radio "It stinks, it stinks, it just inky-stinky stinks," cried the good as Colby if not ten times better," said the Dean of Free MHB and Die Eckoand Cont. on pg. 1 President of T. * Headcheese Wheynoodles. Cont. on pg.6 began to deny tenure to " They were rea lly mean to us," said Bowdoin's president Z. Leroy Brown Greaseball. Both schools were somewhat dissatisfied with their ratings in the guide. Other schools, however , were quite pleased with the Guide's findings. "I Restor ing morality to cam pus is aim think we did just mega-awesome," said Colby's president Wilhelm Gutter. "I was really psyched that they were so objective ." of new honor syste m , president says The Echo 's Guide was an extremely selective one, reviewing only the Ivy League and NESCAC colleges. As A new honor code will be . Gutter admitted he was dice Shitshnger concurred, she added , closing her eyes the Guide stated in its preface, "We don't have a grudge inst itu ted next year in an looking forward to the policy "It'll certainly |ielp the noise and putting her fingers in her against any of the country 's other schools and don't care effort to "restore mora lity change. "Kids these days problem. Every time I go ears for effect. about them either." Besides writing its own "New to Colby ," accor ding to Pope are ail cheaters , liars , into the dormitories I have to Another provision of the Testament" descr iptions about the schools, the Guide (formerl y President ) dr inkers , and liberals," he block my ears with my new code calls for exams to rated schools in several categories including academics , Wilhelm Gutter. . said. "It'll be nice to have hands, it's so loud.Even be proctored by armed qualit y of life, social life, location , quality of students and Gutter , whose new title is students who can think to that's not enoug h guar ds, who will "make quality of sports teams. one of the changes under the themselves for a chan ge." sometimes," she said. "Oo, cheaters p like flies," Most of the schools reviewed were unh ap dro py with the honor system , said tlie code Dean of Stude nts , Jaun- it just makes me shudder," on pg.9 number of stars they received in most categ ories. In the was aimed at "helping Cont . loca tion category, every school but four received only one students develop healthy , r star. - well-rounded values" as well "What else could we do?" said an anonymous as "kee ping those damn kids Mayflower Muckraker stories spokesman. "Most of the ' ' NESCACs are loca ted in remote in line." ' • ' - dumps like Lewiston , Amherst or Schenect ady, and the The new system will <_ • • , > Ivies are in hell-holes such as Itha ca, New Haven or "begin on the ground level," Hanover. " .Columbia received two stars for being in New said Morality Committee % Daisy'.Innocent flower or killer power ? York , and Harvard wrangle d three since it was across the Chairman James Jack- N ' ' ' ' ¦ ' ¦ river from Boston. Tufts got a negative star for being in mytire , "Next year , we're ; ; • . ;¦ „ Medford , Mass. "A black hole," said the Guide. Colby got going to admit only Tibetan v . p.2 ten for being in Waterville. "Hey, " said the spokesman, monks and Islamic vlrgins- "All the other guides preferred it to Brunswick -or you know , the ones with the Oil s art Lewiston. ¦ We figured we would take advan tage bf that %A look af ¦ ¦¦ ' , ¦ ¦ ."Recruiting squads fact ;" ., ' , - <- :- ! y W.¦}: « ¦ have already been sent to In the category rating sports tea ms, the Guide was scour the Asian continent p. II rather severe. Almost every school got a one star rating and according to Jack- aga in, Only Yale received two, due apparently tp an above mytlro , if enough of these avera ge football team and crew. Colby only managed a can't be coerced into ¦Colby¦ buys the Red ¦ Sox¦ ¦ three here. "We felt that their teams at least tried har der enrollin g, a certain number • ,. . . ' »4 than the rest , even thou gh hone of them could even beat a ol deaf-mutes will be ac- , /;, ; :; . . . p. team of kinder garten All-Stars," said the spokesman. cepted. k_ : ; __. ; J Daisy go es mad, hundreds ki lled by Lome Greene down so to speak. "But since cept for Stu-J, he said. animal neglect could occur we had both been in various Tragically, Dlaisy's mental in Waterville. We must all It was the saddest case of committee meetings 'round condition has steadily pray for her salvation. In the Canada grabs island s neglect in modern history. the clock since September ," deteriorated since then, and meantime, you and I need Canada; recently encouraged by the audacity of the For over two years she said Shitslinger, "we never there have been numerous some real protections like Argies down in the Falklands, seized the tiny French roamed the campus noticed anything unusual reports of students losing Mutual of Omigod's dog fishing islands of St. Pierre and Miguelon in the Gulf solitarily, innocently, with other than ourselves." their hands when they went attack insurance." of St. Lawrence Sunday night. The islands, France's no one caring for her. When Still, Windy needed hard to visit her outside Mary But the only thing the equivalent of the Falklands, were it's last possession she stood outside the Dana evidence to believe that Low. "It's indeed a campus can really do now is in North America besides Middlebury's summer and Roberts dining halls Daisy was really guilty. So disgrace," said Mutual of to pay heed to the "Beware school, with a plaintive "feed-me- one night after Daisy had left ©migod's Perkins in Wild of the dog" signs that "Sacre bleu," replied France's President Franco before-I-kill-again" look in sayirig she was going to a Kingdom's show on the Mad Security has .thoughtfully Mittenhand, "les Canadiens don't realize what a her eyes, no one noticed. Lassie filmfestival, Windy Canines of Maine, "that such posted around her. snobby, pig-headed nuclear power they're facing. If Now Daisy Maisel, that staked out a position on the they don't return those islands to us we'll show them a victim of societal neglect, path between Mary Low and fish fry the likes of which will make them glow with lies chained outside Mary Phi Delt, where Thursday fear." •- . . Low. She is considered by Night Drinking Club was in The U.S. is in an awkward position since both many a bloodthirsty child full swing. "Sure enough." France and Canada are its close allies. Secretary of killer with a mind forever he said, "Two voluptuous Hate Alcommander Vague, bored of the London- bent on killing the hands that honeys going home to the Buenos Aires run, agreed to begin some Ottawa-Paris didn't feed her. "I was so Annex about 1 a.m. came shuttle diplomacy. surprised ,'.' said her owner upon Daisy behind Keyes." Windy Maisel, "I never He recounted how the girls Canada gra bs Green land suspected after all this time innocently stooped to pat Canadian expansionists recently encouraged by that" she was her own right Daisy on the head. It was their successful seizure of St. Pierre and Miguelon, wing death squad." then that Daisy bared her took over the even larger island of Greenland Monday No one elsev had either. half-inch fangs and sprang morning. The island, world's largest with 840,0)00 Daisy's murderous schemes for the jugular of the shorter square miles, was a possession of Denmark. were never detected because one. "She knew where the Oj boj mi goj," exclaimed Danish President she ate all the remains of her juiciest part was," said Hagar the Horrible. "We never really needed the victims. She was only Maisel, "and that girl would place, but those Canucks really made us look weak; .suspected one day last have soon been eaten and for that we're going to bombard them with gooey month when Windy noted it recycled into natural cherry danishes." had been two years since he campus fertilizer if I hadn't The U.S. is in another awkward position since last fed her. "I saw her intervened at the last Denmark, as well as Canada is a close ally. knawing on a particularly moment and told Daisy to Secretary of Hate Vague agreed to extend his shuttle large thigh bone one mor- sit." diplomacy to include Copenhagen with Paris and ning," he said, "and decided Daisy's number was up, Ottawa. "I'm psyched to see Tivoli," he said. to find out where she got it." but at her trial she refused to When Daisy playedinnocent , admit she was guilty, and Canada grabs Soufh Pole he inquired around campus since it was her word against and discovered that Lambda her owner's, Chief Justice of Canadian imperialists, having had no trouble in Chi was missing one of their Stu-J(oke) Johann Sebastian taking St. Pierre, Miguelon, and Greenland, invaded linebackers. Bearskin had to hand down Antarctica on Tuesday afternoon. The seventh con- He hurriedly checked with the minimum sentence. In tinent, occupied by Britain, the U.S., France, Russia, the Dean of Students office's his landmark decision, Argentina and a bunch of penguins was quickly files and found that there had Bearskin sentenced her to be overtaken by Canada's brilliant military strategists been 154 unexplained with- incarcerated outside the Bob and Doug Mackenzie and their legions of dog drawals since 1978. Deans imfamous Mary Low Annex sleds and eskimo mercenaries. Jaundiced Shitslinger and and sentenced the rest of by Jason Pelle tier "Those other countries," said Doug, "can take off Seenya Hose, who both dealt Colby to four years social for the Great.White North." with transfer and with- probation for neglecting her Little do these big lug s know , they ' The U.S., which is also an ally, of Britain and plight re drawal cases, were clueless in the first place. "I about to become Dais y 's afternoon tea ! Argentina and Antarctica is in a real jam now. and caught with their hoses felt we were all guilty, ex- Secretary of Hate Vague added Moscow to his itinerary which already included London, Buenos Aires, Paris, Ottawa, Copenhagen and Washington. Asked where he was going next he replied, ' 'I dunno; I'll flip a coin." Alabam a go vernor to Blac k Studies Canada grabs 3 nations by Jesse Helms living in the late 60s and winter." black studies program in Canadian hedgemonists, in a frenzy over their early 70s, but they fail to see Already though, Wallace's America." Among the nation's takeover of Antarctica, extended their After months of searching, that America has shifted to appointment has generated a courses to be offered will be: takeovers to include the Falklands, Argentina and Colby has finally appointed a the right again and that lot of controversy on cam- Comparable Benefits of the Great Britain on Wednesday morning. new instructor to teach black Reagan's president. You pus. Ralphe J. Buns Dred Scott and Bakke Cases; "Britain ," said Prime Minister Thatcher, "will studies. Noted politician and know, I'm not of the opinion threatened to transfer the The Civil Rights Acts Effect dispatch a fleet to nuke Toronto as soon as we can outspoken black sociologist that black studies should be Buns scholarship program to on Inner-city. Real Estate rent one." Galfieri in Argentina said, "We George Wallace will assume handed to the kids on a another school. "I don't care Prices, and Aunt Jemima: nationalistic dopes of South America will figlfitto our the position September 1 silver-plated, welfare-paid- if Gutter did head the Early Leader of the last drop of coffee to repulse the Canadian bully from after the commission on for platter." He indicated Afro-American institute Womens' Movement. "These our shores. The sheep on the Falkalnds said "O-c-o- which he is presently ser- that he would not be offering before he came to Colby," he will be fun courses," he oh n-o-o-oh! A lot of Canadians are Dekes at Colby." ving, Reagan's New any non-demanding courses. shouted in a telephone in- continued. "We hope to get The U.S., still an ally of all three warring countries, Federalism-States' and ' "Iliey 're gonna have to work terview. "He and the rest of Richard Pryor as a' lec- is up the creek without a paddle now. Secretary of Whites' Rights in Alabama, like slaves to get even a.B," that school have . had their turer.". '' ' ' ' . Hate Vague said "Well, at least I don't have to add adjourns in Montgomery. he said. minds warped from looking any more cities tomy shuttle diplomacy. at too much white snow." Still, Wallace will find " President Gutter said that One, student was heard to some opposition on campus. Wallace, a former Colby was fortunate to land Canada grabs Long Island presidential candidate, say, "They're having a "We plan to get rid of liim such a notable figure in the Colby 2000 campaign? My fairly quickly," said another The fearsome Canadian warmongers, psyched by Governor of Alabama and black movement and an shooting target, is presently ass they are; they're aiming student. "One push of that their takeover of half the western world, invaded academician. Wallace for Colby i860," But Gutter wheelchair down the Heights Long Island on Wednesday about tea time. By lun- a paraplegic specializing in analyzing and '.'tracking dismissed their fears, "With driveway on an icy day and ch time they controlled the strategic points of Port served with national George and I teaching such 'splat,' we'll be able to get a Washington , Garden City, Jamaica, Babylon and the down" black " political distinction while on the 'movements. He indicated admissions committee at the innovative courses, Colby bona-fido head of the Hamptons. * will have the most unique program in his place," Thc U.S. is really in a jam now/since It is anally of that he was looking forward University of Alabama in the itself, Secretary of Hate Vague groaned, "Oh no, to working at Colby, early 60s, Gutter admitted from career diplomat to Long Island railroad com- although he did mention he that a black person would Founded; in ' l877/ .the Echo is published weekly, muter In one day," as he left Air Force One to board was having a hard time haye been preferable to head except during vacation and examination oeriods. bv the 12:57 to Hempstead. finding snow treads for his the program, but he said that the students of . All correspondence wheelchair to prepare him no black instructors wanted should be , addresseq to tne , Editor, Colby Echo, Canada goes commie for the Maine winters. to come'to Waterville. "They Colby College, .Waterville; Me. 0(1901, The Echo is Canada , gone mad with revolutionary frenzy, said," according to Gutter, represented by the .College Advertising Serviccjric. confirmed America's worst fears today when it went "The attitudes towards for national advertising, Entered as second pl&ss black studies at Colby," he "that it would be too easy for mail at Waterville, Mo. 04901. Subscriptions are communist, Secretary of Hate Vague, heard the the local hunters mistake ¦ news while lunching at the Islip.X.I, McDonalds and said, "are slightly outdated. to available at;|8.p^pe^^ar,; ; ,, ' . - ',;, .. ; ( People still act like they're them for a Blgfootduring the '" ' ' "" ' ' "' ' ¦ " ' ' "^' ' choked to death on a Big Mac. ; . ;V . i! " , , n i » , i V" . Applications down 98.9%, only 32 admitted

byPia Zadora against students and high school guidance counselors who were considering applying here. "There's also Despite its recent 58 star rating in the Colbie Echo's the possibility," he said, "that Roger Morguesby in Ultra-Selective Guide to Colleges, applications to the mail room was mad at someone in the admissions Colby 's class of 1986 were down 98.9 percent from last department and just didn't deliver most of the ap- year; "Looks.like the prospective applicants were plications. I'll have to check and see if he's pissed even less enthusiastic about the school than our off." students are, "said Dean of Open Admissions General McArthur. The General maintained that the quality of the Applications totaled only 32 this year, down from applicant pool had not been seriously affected by the 2900 in 1981. The General offered.several explanations drop in quantity. All 32 were in the top three-quarters as to why this may have come about. Prospective of their senior high school class, and their combined applicants, knowing how prestigious and demanding SAT scores equaled the population of Augusta, the school is, might have simply convinced them- Maine. When it was pointed put to him that the scores get in and not even tried to averaged out to the applicants getting dual 30Q's the selves they could never General replied, "Oh, well we just won't look at SAT apply. He also speculated that natidnal alumni scores as an admissions factor anymore. Bowdoin groups from the other NESCAC schools, jealous of , Colby 's prestige, could have employed death threats doesn't and there must be a good reason." The diversity of those accepted was astounding. Among the applicants were a four year old wonder child from MiUinocket who can read and write per- fec t Burmese; a grandmother from St. Cloud, Min- nesota who can knit and take notes at the same time and a primitive aborigine found in darkest Borneo. "He's pur minority," said the General, "but all those accepted should fit in well with their new surroun- dings." Colby made this Venus^i an an offer he Of the 32 applications, only two-both Nards- were couldn 't refuse. from New England, with' the rest coming from Borneo, Mexico, Haiti, Poland, Siberia. El Sa lvador, Minnesota and New . "None," said the General, "Count'em, none from Massachusetts or Connecticut. We're diverse as all hell this year; I knew my printing applications on matchbook covers would get results." Professors of Government Alien, Hoss and Bowstring-all avowed non-conservatives- were even more ecstatic. "Hot dog," claimed one, "Most of them are political exiles." The General noted that the large international offering would improve the quality of the student body. "Except for the ones from Jersey, none of the new students , will know how to or want to party, oversleep classes or blow-off papers. It'll be" just like Oxford," he said Of the original 32 applications, only seven were accepted outright. The General maintained that even in lean years Colby had to maintain its high standards on admission. "We didn't want our rating in Barron's to go from 'Highly Competitive' to 'No Problem.' He said the remaining 25 were wait-listed and later accepted when it' became apparent there would be room for them. All elected to come too, since Colby offered them all full financial aid and new Mercedes sedans as a bonus. Although for the first time in history Colby will not have a room shortage, the small number of ap- plications prompted the admissions department to devise some desperation plans for attracting a few more students. Assistant Deans Safeway and By A Grandma who spins while taking mental Golly conducted mass recruitment campaigns in the notes. v Bowery, Calcutta, the Tijuana border station and local Maine nursery schools. "I think," said Safeway, "that we found a lot of people dying to go to Miliinocket tot is tired out af ter fill- Colby.,.actually anywhere in America, but it's us or bust." ing out applicat ion form . In the meantime the General, along with the help of m Bored of Trusty President Rotten Eggonme and (m______f ou_k President Gutter, conducted a high level phonathon ^^^ 9!V7i Y3PnT2i ^^^^ 44th ¦ to attract students rejected elsewhere, "We got this offer," they said, "that you can't refuse, since ^^^ 2*JUBiiyUi3__JL^ ii^^ B everyplace else refusedyou!" . These ruses seem to be working. "All the prospective applicants still must be able to recite thc • Pormanont Cantors opon days , « Opportunity to make up missocf alphabet , count to twenty in their heads and have lots ovonings and weekends. lessons. of money, just like our kiddies do now," said Gutter, • Low hourly cost. Dodicntod lull- • Voluminous home-study mn.teri.ils time stuff. ,.„$«.. ., constantly updated by rosoarch- And if the plan doesn't work as planned, Gutter may • Complete TEST-N-TAPE* facilities ers export in thoir flold. for-rovlow ot class lessons and 0| choose to cancel the class of 1886. We won't offer any , nr.Rr.n,.nii„pp •« i. _n_

byJames Beardless He didn 't reserve much praise for the vegetarian of- 'n Crunch for breakfast." Still, the bating will not be ferings, noting that^the Neapolitan cheese snake had changed. "Seller's asked me to write LeSnobbe a seven First it was Maxim's. That venerable Parisian rattlesnake rinds in it and that the fleshless lasagna with page letter detailing why they should have gotten at least ros mir.int was so appalled when it was onlyjiwarded one kidney stones was an insult to their tastebuds. The wine four stars," said President Wilhelm Gutter, "But I had to st.i • by the Guide Michelin that it asked to be delisted. list was another disappointment to the Michelin tell him that as good a BS artist as I am for Colby, I am not No a . much to thfe dismay of the entire Colby community, reviewers:there was none. "If that wasn't enough," he a blatant liar. I doubt that even the EPA could refute Sci U- r's lias been accorded the same fate. complained ," the milk machines were always empty and Michelin's findings." The downgrading in Seller's culinary rating was an- the Tab was flat." Even the cream for the coffee was When asked if Seller's ratings might be changed in a nounced when the 1983 Guide Michelin-Massif Central de noted during the taste tests. "They must've put an udder future guide, LeSnobbe said "Ha, that'll be the day" He Maine vvys released last week. The news sent shock waves in a Cuisinart to get that texture," he said. did say, though, that the Michelin organization had other I ro: it the recesses of Roberts to Dana's dirty dish room. Desserts didn't escape his attention either. "That ice plans for Seiler's. "We brought back some samples of cream from Rummy enoug to's was pretty sad," he said. He"Don 't their chocoshit pudding and Sweatish meatballs to our the^r know h serve Haagen-Daaz?" also labs in France," he said, "arid our scientists determined quipped that the eclairs were "les scares." Seller's salad that they were just the right texture for making our "Don 't they know enough to serve bar didn't measure up to Michelin's standard either."A Michelin tires." He said the tire company will announce in sneeze guard is one thing, but having a sneeze funnel a few days thier plans for turning the dining halls into tire Haagen-Daaz?" leading mmmmmmmmammi ^maaKKB^mmtasawammm ^nmmmmmm. into the Thousand Island dressing was unac- plants. ceptable." "Oh goody," said Gutter. "That's more money .for ' Saere bleu," cried J. Paul's A'Goner head of the food "Oh la ,1' said A'Goner when informed of all this. Colby. But don't worry, I'll make sure they don't touch the service when he was informed of the Guide's actions. "LeSnobbe was just bumming because we didn't have ice cream machines." ' Mon Dieu , the French never did know the first thing about good American cooking," he said. "You wanna know something else?" he said. "I'll bet my salad ladies that those frogs at Michelin didn't eat on campus more M Herr Gu tter than 12 times before making their decision." and Euzis foiled Francoise 'Frenchy' LeSnobbe, head food reviewer for the Guide, admitted from Michelin headquarters in Cont. from pg.1 Trinitium, Conneticaria and the campaign Timby 'Quim' Third' Raische, president of Clermont-Ferrand, France that A'Goner was right. "I'll September 1, he planned to Franceherst. "Today, McCorkscrew, "Egad the Stu-A, noted¦ that Gutter was be hog-tied ai

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A thiru problem cited by 11:30 and 11:45 am mail keys. Gutter is the inequality ana Morguesby said, "So what if "Beside s," he says, "if you by Jose Monster© unfairness which the present we have no mail system. don't get 'em you can 't lose mail system promotes They got pay telephones at 'em." This way too, students Sick and tired of the among the student body. this place. They got will all not receive mail and complaints and whining "The way I figure it," says thanksgiving vacation and packages equally." about the Colby mail system, Gutter, "the frats give males Christmas vacation to get President Gutter has an unfair advantage in terms cookies and drugs and To alleviate the in- decided to crack down and of housing, and with the tampax. They don't need convenience of dealing with demand that something be present mail system, the mail. And I can think of small change, all students done. females get all the free better things to do in the mail will pay a $100 mail fee at the "A big problem," says tampax. Some people get all room than sort mail anyway. beginning of each year, and Gutter, "is that most of the the packages with cookies When asked if he had any outgoing letters and students here don't have the and others get all the good ideas about developing a new packages will be taken to fine motor -coordination it drugs. That's just not fair." mail system, Morguesby Gutter's office to be stam- takes to put the little key in When asked to comment said, "Ideas?" ped. "This way," . says the little mailbox slot. on Gutter's criticisms of the Glitter, "We can make sure Another problem is that the present system, Morguesby To eliminate the problems that the real world hear's rest of the students are too said, "Closed at three." cited by Gutter, Morguesby only the good stuff, and that sloshed to do so> " when asked again between plans to stop handing out no good drugs get out."

bv B.C. Behind clos ed doors : residents reveal the truth s only complaint is Want by Expose Itall Maiseo' imitated. the heating." Sometimes Another faculty resident when the snow piles up, I Father Paid—Codine, ex- What do the households of wish I lived in the annex. The l pressed his opinions on the Windy Maisel, Genera boiler there really keeps the spiritual function of the Bubbles McArthur and rooms warm and comfy. " program. Father Codine all have in General Bubbles "Many times I lie awake at common? No, they don't all McArthur, who lives with his night, nearLng confessions a observe Hanukkah. They're family in the Depths, viewed through the walls of my all situated here on campus, his position philosophically. apartment next to Pepper in the midst of riotous "It's been a really lounge," Codine said. "I get student living. challenging year ethically," a lot of material for my Windy Maisel, faculty McArthur said. "I've . been sermons that way." faced with problems that "I don't really mma me ' resident in Mary Low, raved late hours" Codine added. Date? about the accomodations in evoke difficult questions about personal freedom, and "God gives me the strength * the dorm . "I have no com- to stay out at You-Know- plaints about life here, justice for all." " McArthur continued to What's till the dawn breaks Maisel said. "The free baby- counselling brothers against sitting and do.gsitting explain that a member of his family, Iris McArthur, was the evils of excessive services are great, and I get drinking." my laundry thrown in: The fined repeatedly for dorm - girls . are really ac- damage due to urination in Codine, when asked about 4 comodating." the hallway. McArthur said his position as adviser to one /T>^ ^\ ^ the experience brought home of the fraternities, expressed confidence in his guidance. Maisel ' also, emphasized to him the concept of equal ¦ ¦¦ his job as counsellor, friend, treatment under the law. ' "TKbse guys are really _£' ¦ ¦ ¦ * and shoulderio cry on. - The kids look up to me Iambs in wolves' clothing," " I wW^T^m i "I want the girls to know here," McArthur said . "If a Codine insisted. "I've had a they can call me anytime, member of my family were very calming influence on day or night," Maisel said. allowed to break the rules them, On Sunday morning, "I mean, my door's open, the with impunity, the whole I'ye brought many a hung light's always green. I'm dorm .would follow . I did over brother back to the here to help." not want to see Iris's actions fold." |i |c *«^ « %«*#i|c4.«^**i|c«*«4c«*^** «***4t*4!)|Wi ; : ; ¦ h - ' v : ¦ f£ . 4 ' - ' . - M\ .. - . : t .I- ¦ I | €olby needs ydu t ¦ ' if Call the I fl '¥¦? please j ^ ;: ' I55 : ' Esco rt Service &-' . ' nh,.. Pw\^Q, ^_3^ 5* Sj' ks!s&^ ' 1A

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\-i 3L&ll}LlV!S---ZXSmmmmmm ^ @ Echo guide raps Bowdoin , Harvard, everybody else Cont. f rom pg.1. The most controversial part of the Guide however, was Acceptances at Bates. "Those rejects up at Colby are still its descriptions of the schools. "These New Testament smarting from the fact that they only got three stars in the descriptions are to be taken as nothing less than the ab- Tyme s' Guide while we got four." solute gospel. Non-believers will wind up in Hell or "Not true," was President Gutter's reply to the Trenton, N. J./'stated the Guide. .; charges. ' 'We deserve every one of the 15 stars we got."It's not our fault that Bates and Bowdoin have a bunch of "the descriptions of the Ivy League schools were nothing f^ " >_____H______k ______F______B flHVSjj ^^^ HH - morons teaching gut courses to some rich chuckleheads." out of the ordinary, agreed most people. Harvard was "a HB HHH ^^ flfll^MmHBHM lM^HI^H ^^ ft' He mentioned that Colby was really good enough to get 66 legend buried in delusions of its past. Students there," stars and that it was actually the best school in the said the Guide, "are snobs, radicals, liberals, smart...but universe.Most citizens around Waterville agreed. "Yup, not like normal people." Undergrads at Columbia and it 's the best school I' ve ever seen, including Unity," said Pennsylvania were "hopeless;" "The dregs of the Ivy the night counter lady at Mister Donut. "And the students League are not a pretty sight." Students at Dartmouth are so polite and well-behaved too." were "drunk ski bunis" and most types at Cornell were dismissed as being "hopelessly suicidal." Commentaries, on the small NESCAC schools varied ". . . its not our fault tha t Bates more. For Trinity: "There is nothing the Tynifes' Guide and Bowdoin have a bunch of morons said about it that We don't agree with," lashed the Guide. WTO teaching gut courses to some rich Middlebury was a school whose "time had passed;...a chuckleheads. " nothing school in terms of location, image or ratings in the mrat li^ ^ M^*M______K_MiM------l---M_W_____H____l______M_-____^^ Preppy Handbook." In the case of Tufts, "Only a joining Colby scored top honors in the quality of students and together of Medford and Slumerville, Mass. could produce quality of life categori es as well, getting 15 stars in both such a toolish institution. JDoh't go there," advised the categories . In quali ty of life, Harvard was second with Guide. four stars , while Bates and Bowdoin landed on the bottom Students at Bates and Bowdoin, as expected, were with single stars. "Unfai r, unfair, Colbie Echo cheats," ready to lead lynching mobs up route 95 to Waterville By WILHE LM said press releases from both schodls. In the quality of when they read the descriptions for their schools. "Bates ¦ students category, received five stars i KOTT JEB. College," began the Guide, "is in even worse shape than -CF/W. -W-L -WF . "for the multitude of fantastic females on campus" and Lewiston. Students here share the distinction of having Ya le scored four "for Jodie Foster." "W e're gonna show been rejected everywhere else they applied. them, " That wasn't " said the admissions department at Bowdoin. the worst cf it however. "The campus is a dump; the * ¦ especially in fiayfz' descri^ion." "We'll give Brooke Shields a scholarship. Veruy accurate " faculty came out of a dump; the students aspire to ' -NewyorkTymtS It was a different situation in the category of quality of working in a dump and society treats the place like a social life since too many stars can determine a party dump. The only difference is your average dump smells school. Dartmouth, Bowdoin and Tufts walked away with better and at least holds on to the waste dumped in it," 1 the honors there, garnering 15 stars each. Trinity and observed the Guide. D 1st Inet ive cover of the gpspel Bates were right behind with 14. "Come on," said the "' Guide's spokesman. "Who goes to those places to study? "It certainly appeared," said Bates President to co l leges;;. ' . : And don't forget that those famous playgrounds Brown Wheynoodles, "that they dumped on us in that guide." He hurt us, nyah, nyah!" and Princeton got 13 each." Colby did n't have any stars in continued that they didn't care at Bates what the people At Bowdoin the reaction was similar."Thosenumbnuts this category. "We 've done our utmost to kill any trace of from Colby said "One thing we learn here Is that sticks didn't say one good thing about us," complained one a social life here," noted President Gutter. and stones may break our bones, but names will never student. "That guide: was so slanted it makes me want to go to Colby; can you believe that?" In the Guide, Bowdoin was described as a "Dartmouth-by-the-Sea in miniature." -"No student there was even capable of sending their SAT scores to the admissions office." Other sentences said, How the schools stacked up in Guide "The place is wildly overrated, even in this book; heavy drinking and sickeningly kinky sex typify the student body ' in Brunswick." And there was this Dangerfieldesquecut, Quality Social Loca- "Bowdoin is so low tha t they had to build the tallest tower Schoo l Academics of Life Students Life Sports tion Totals in Maine justto raise their heads out of the gutter." . "I. think the Guide was slightly prejudiced in its IVV LEAGUE : • d ' !¦ . . • . ¦)¦ :.. -_ ' * 27 Dartmouth ***** ** *** ttttUt* * ' Curiously, Colby- College received absolutely^stellar ******** * *** 27 reviews from the staff of the Echo Guided "This truly Harvard ***** **** *** outstanding institution is nothing less than Heaven on " " 22 Earth," said the opening sentence. "Students at Colby are Pennsy lvania **** *** ** SSS*****- * * ' so good that they must constantly pinch themselves to Princeton ***** *** * *** SSSS.S*** * * 26 make sure they are for real. The faculty are all smarter . than Einstein, arid A's are hot given but easily. Still,' the Yale ***** ** **** ******** ** * 24 students are so smart that no one since, 1958 has ever failed to get an "A." in everything." It'continued on tosiw NESCAC : that, "Only the creme de la creme de la crerhe are ad- mitted here, and people have been known to die from . -22 ecstasy when they received their acceptance i an- Amherst **** *** ** *.${;***** * * nouncements on the evening hews. The food is superb (see ates * itUU** - ' * ' l8 related story); the dorms are palaces and Waterville is a B * * * . knockout town." ' ' 20 Bowdoin * * * SJSSSSJ* * . . * . "I love it, I love it," giggled President Gutter, reading : ¦ ¦ through , co l by mtm* " mtm* ««*«* >.***;- «»* 58 the Guide "Fve been bitching for years now ¦ about just how great we are , and now.there has come Connecticut *** ' *** **** jjJJ****,..;.--* * 25 along a publication that tells the whole truth." When asked .if it was not even a.little slanted in its views he .- ' ! , Hamilton *** ** ** j******* * * 18 replied, "Nope, It's just perfect." ¦ ¦ ¦ Middlebury , ; •; ,'¦** . 'f * 25 Apparently, it won't do the other schools, especially ******** * Bates and Bowdoin, any good to appeal their ratings. ***'' ;i ** ¦ Trinity ' ' v - \H > ' **¦¦¦¦• ¦ ' ' * ; * ; 20 "Our system is a secret," said a Guide spokesman, "that ** . UttU** : ; even we don't know. No one can find .fault with us the way ** • ' '¦ ' ' ¦ 1 ' ;' Tufts - ; " . -** .,¦[)} ¦ ;. : :>* .JtttSBB* ;- ': ' * : *' 2Z we did with the New York Tym«(j." He added that if *** , ' C- : , ¦. ¦ . ¦ Bowdoin or Bates squealed any more about the matter, ¦ ' ¦¦'" ' ¦' " •¦* • ' Union *** ** ' . . '¦ ** ££****** * 19 their ratings would be ''lowered off the charts,. ' "We got ¦ 'em now/' said the Echo staff, if'Colhy's got the big to ¦ ¦ ;1,: ' ' ¦ ¦ 2: i ¦ ¦ ¦ ' ¦ [• V/Illlams . *.*** *** * *** Mffi*** : . * . v : ' '* ' ¦::¦:¦ . ' ' ¦ . l . . - ¦: stars to Dartmouth's 27, and when we g¦:¦ > ¦;%' , . . . . , . l. ^¦»^ .•S ?^A«^»->•{ '• y'• >» |,! >. <•'^ » >»'>i - ^.,'' ','' Vl ,i• ''' '" ''. , ^ «^ »*• , ^' ( l ,>* ^^A. '^' " . ^>^ ."*' ' '' ^ ' '! . Si UB UUB3UDOUUW

REVEREND HUGH G. RECTION will be lecturing on ~ THE SISTERS OF CHI OMEGA are looking for special modern morality and SEXUALITY (!!!) and its A WORKSHOP on the advanced techniques of massage will be held by MarilynChambers on Saturday, May 15, at interest housing near or on Prat row. Any brothers who displacement on today's college campuses to be held by have a SPECIAL INTEREST IN HOUSING THESE s Cnapel tonight at 6 and 9 pm. 11:30 p.m., in Smith lounge. Please bring a partner and a himselfat Lorimar' pair of black . Prerequisite: Baby Massage (BM POOR HOMELESS GIRLS ARE ASKED TO CONTACT 101) or intensive professional experience. Dare-meT. O'Peelat ext. xoxo.

PHIL MCCREVIS will give the Irish perspective of black SPECIAL INTEREST HOUSING petitions are now holes in space from last year, s lecture, giverf from Down THE BROTHERS OF LAMBDA CHI are looking for an being accepted by the Housing Office. Housing is now Under. advisor. Applicant must be a liberal but , celibate, un- available for students who squeeze their toothpaste tubes derstanding but teetotaling, individual who believes in from the middle* Ted Nugent groupies, and people who right-to-life for dogs. Only brothers need apply. beatcats. KDR will hold its annual step-by-step workshop in the art of Iedging. The workshop will include a demonstration given by the brothers.

DEKE will be selling wool , mittens, and actual fleeces. You too can have a wooly rug and do what Colby restrooms the Deke's do with theirs. Bigge r is not necessaril y better ZETE is requesting oversized ice lockers to store their 4 by Lure of Hidden feet by 4 feet blocks of ice for next year's pledge class. The fraternity is also looking for a retail outlet where olives As an off-campus dwel ei I have no particular time dallying is a little uncomfortable. I constantly and peanut butter can be bought wholesale. j estroom at Colby to call my own. So I have had an make the mistake of turning on the broken hot water opportunity to investigalo .md rate most of the faucet on the middle sink ; however by the end of this women's rooms in the all-campus buildings, some of year I should have trained myself. There is always the women's rooms in the dormitories, and a few of an ample supply of rather pedestrian toilet paper the men's rooms. However, for the purposes of this (like all campus paper, not a luxury item, but quite review I will concentrate u pi >i •¦. the facilities offered in capable of doing its duty ) and of paper towels. The Roberts Union. lighting oyer the mirrors makes your skin a moldy- cheese green, but that's pretty standard fare for Colby bathrooms. There is one Roberts women's room in which I have Out to Flus h not been alone only once in my life, and that was when I first visited it with a group of partying friends (a The most popular John is I y no means the best. function for which it is quite well suited). At all other Obviously I refer to the room I -equented by spubsters times it provides a unique - for Colby - solitary ex- and dining hall victims. Tim atmosphere actually perience. I refer to the room off the Loft. A fan dulls reflects that of the Spub: l \\ day it is mellow ana the sounds but does not seem to help the already usually private or semi-pri\ n e, by night ... once an chilly air. However, you can warm up with the hand electric friend found hersel l n that room on a busy blow dryer. Actually, since no paper towels are Saturday night, besieged by hi illiant lights, confusing available you must use this machine to dry hands and odors, and disconcerting shifts between deafening face, which I consider a singularly irksome ritual drunk babble and long, awkward silences from the But for any routine necessitating privacy, this room bunnies vying for the mirrors or waiting, silent and is unquestionably superb. pained, for the blessed relief < if a stall. "Harsh toke" The unisex room near the Echo and WMHB is was the only comment my friend could muster, and hardly worth mentioning. Once it had some in- we fled to a more welcoming facility. teresting graffiti to help pass the time, but it was However, even during the day this room has its washed off by well-intentioned maids who ought to disappointments. Often at least one stall is out of have known that it would immediately be replaced. toilet paper, but this is not as bad as it sounds, since it But now a huge machine resembling a dumpster encourages communication with your neighbor while dominates the bathroom, all the sinks but one are you share the roll between you on the floor. Perhaps torn out, and any duty dispatched there is done so as the word "banal" (from Latin .roots for "bathroom") summarily you were crouched by the edge of the is meant for the conversation indulged in during this as if kind of exchange. The paper towels usually overflow highway. the wastebasket, but this problem has never gotten out of hand, since you can simply drop your trash on the pile beside the sink. There •' no drinking fountain in this room which is rather a. joying since the Spub is stingy about of v ! in the outer room, the Commuter Lounge bathroom is GRADUATION AWWm\ ' ideal, However, I do not mean to advertise this little ' ' ¦ ' CONGRATULATIO NS ' A\VJKV _ paradise |o the hordes. My favorite room is the second floor women's : room, My primary reason, f , is that it is ¦ o course ' ¦ ¦ ¦ . ¦ ¦ ' relatively unknown and usually provides for that ' . j l .w nthdavb ' . Say ¦ ulilh Stole ¦ if most important consideration for the performance of ' • ;'¦ "" ¦ ' •'" ¦ ¦ :. •! ¦ "ANNIVEWSAKlBS ' i " ' ' . . . certain doily duties: privacy. Nearly always I am ; ¦>_, „

• Monks , virgins admitted under honor co de Cont. f rom pg.l If a student is caught When asked if he felt the a Colby restrain and have said Jackmytire. Every time violating any stipulation of punishment might be a little seen the honor code. I un- a current student is erased, the honor code, he will be harsh, Gutter commented, derstand all the shit con- he will be replaced by a brought before a Morality "Don't be such a goddamn tained in it." monk or a virgin. Board, where he may plead panzie. We've got a problem "I think we've got a damn his case before being found here, and that wimpy social good system here," con- The new system "really guilty. Punishment requires probation crap isn't going to cluded Jackmytire. "We're puts the pressure on each the guilty "if he sin with his solve It." . trying to build up an at- Student to perform," Jack- hand, shall have his hand cut In order to familiarize mosphere of trust here." GEY YOUR CAREER OFF mytire said. "We expect off or with his eyes, shall students with the new honor Now that the proposal has them to use their own have his eyes plucked out." code, it will be posted in:a been adopted, it will remain TO A FLYING START resources, without soliciting Each defendant also has the handy place in each college in effect for at least 25 years It takes four years to got a college degree. How long outside help." Trips to the alternative of serving 60 bathroom. Every student so that "its effect on an will it take you to got a good job? library and use of the days in Mary Low Annex, will then be required to sign entire generation of Colby reference materials such as If you haven't set tled on a company or corporation or eating nothing but two day the following statement of students " can be reviewed. yet , why not get your executive career off to a flying start dictionaries and en- old walnut-cheddar loaf, affirmation: "I have been to as an avia tor in the United States Air Force? It's the finest cyclopaedias are among "I'd rather die," commented flight program in the worl d, the pay is excellent, and things strictly forbidden by one student. ,»-_____-______you'll enjoy the prestige that goes with the silver wings of the code. ¦ an Air Force aviator. 1yj^r ^-:_ pig&l . ______MT X mt% 'fjpliffl^ ^ "==555M t%H It's ono of the finest oppo rtunities in the nation. And ' ^ a great place to gain executive experience with million IL • ' ! I pr PIZZA BUCKS CSIL_J] dollar responsibility. Find out today about the Air Force Mir?V THIS COUPON INTITL.S YOU TC. TWO DOLLARS OM THE ^ ^ «nJ flight program. Contact: J neQulAR MtNU PfilCE O. ANV UMIQI PIZZA. . .; WhWr *f : ^^j3lffl l ' SSgt. Al Balloy . 603^31-5462. Call Collec t. mk ^_Z\f» Simply pr-Hni Ihli "plua huck" it Jr»v Plira Hul«FWi.«_f»m In *)/,flJ__0 W, W%\ "".' Uilnt ind o«l i Buptr»iui Siwlnoion a' Plxii,/tof e/oi mo ffmWmmm ¦ Oflp«rCoupon Pff Pwlv Ptf VI.lt CXp 3/ JI /»* ( ' a " VM ' fK _ /aim .. MW^ L I »l»rt c^M«»^(M wui»c«4n _. HI _P 7__3_7___ ^- »M» i _Tp\ WMB m^mmW^^^mi^^Xmm^m^a — Mdstet^ A or*<_* way ol lif*. Administration granted special intefe$t housing consistency," Gutter con- "interest housing wiXf most mandatory recreational "The humane society has In accordance with our tinued, "Phi Delt wil be surely create a new The very select Committee center. The renovated required that the fraternity past admirable relation, turned into a funeral home dimension to Colby. It will on Temporary Housing has fraternity will Include eight be used to house the overflow with Waterville, the Zete and will pick up the definitely fill the gap for recently approved the saunas, ten jacuzziz, and five from their downtown office. fraternity will be remodeled Watervillians when they're variety when the traditional Administration's request to massage tables. 1 expect the Of course, we agreed," this summer to accomodate finished at Zete. off-campus students leave take over the fraternities for entire faculty there at least Gutter said. "There will be a Waterville's elderly, ac- All i n all , President Gutter Colby because we're their speqial interest once daily." sheep memorial Kail in cording to Gutter. is looking forward to an determined to restrict them housing. According to the recognition of Deke's out- "Just to preserve our interesting and varied to our mundane residential President, Deke will con- standing past appreciation of always desired quality of semester. "The new special living facilities." According to the proposal, tinue in its traditional role. bestiality." Lambdi Chi w ill be turned over to Father Codine who plans to use the building for religious and other faith Off-campus fee broken down step-by-step, piece-by-pi ece seeking retreats. Stab Nichelman has been given In response to students' and the shits. Hence we have have to help pay for the too." When asked to comment listed items and services. In reference to item on the need for a spaying KDR and plans to decorate it complaints about the newly included the cost of my la- (foody in "swiss chalet ." implemented off-campus zee boy recliner, my "First," said Nickelman, number three, removal, service for residential dogs, "I'd like the hillside building fee, Vice President Scab downers, my masseuse and "there's what you eat. I don't Nickelman added, "I don't the Gutter dog salivated, and know what you fed those Father Kotex's dog declined to be used as a resort for all -Nickelman has released a my toilet paper in the fee. know what it is you eat down ' dogs either.li " ¦ ¦¦ ¦_—^— ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ _¦—' " _¦ Jecomment.¦ W V Yilli M.Viiai ¦¦___——_____ ¦ i 1_m i those faculty and ad- list of the specific items Fair enougln ay?" there for breakfast, but you ¦T —— i " - ministration winter sports included ia the overall Gutter further explained came hiking up here with Off Campus Fee Breakdown enthusiasts," Nichelman charge. that .the high incidence of your backpacks and mutts said . Tlie list, which includes bralessness in off- ^kmp f §>®& Famous artist deco rates Colby with wo rds of Iove , peace, and ot is a B t " "Hey, man, Otis is like, rt aU over os on, man. " uhh-right-yeah" be aware of anythin g. like, wow . . . it' s not a President Gutter also denied their environment; " play- President Gutter was person , it's not a thing- it' s being a vandal, and the mugging " ten people to "more than pleased" by the l ike love, and peace, police left the offices. "raise their , l ike, " contributio n. "The campus and ahh certainl y needed some everythin g. It' s.. .Otis. " sound awareness; and Phillers , who lives in spending a _ " play-year " in decoration " he said, " and I So saying, Henry y. Boston, is one of a new am very happy that we Phillers, a " y f gener ation of " conceptual" "jail" on charges of stealin g should be chosen to receive ver amous3 Mr. Philler 's attention. artist, I am, man, I promise ' a P si "O tis is Uke...God, you know? Otis stands Gutternnounced his toartistic re cam-dent Philter chose Colby 's paign for the Colby campus , f or love,and peace, and.,, you know." campus to decorate for two which began a month ago. reasons. "I like, saw it Mr. Phillers presented his or "liv ing" artists. He and "like , ahh, drugs , man " art work minutes before all believes that "like , ah, yeah- to help make people aware of needed help, man," he said , five of Waterrille 's security uhm, art is like" life and so "When I got here , there was force burst into the office life "should, be , uhm, f, "life , ," and prison nothing. I had to spread the sort o wow cosmic message of Otis ." He looking for a vandal. you know" art . conditions. His projects to date have Although none of his "art" arrived on campus after "Hey, hanging in being banned from Boston on man, I ain 't no included: decorating the is^ presently a vandal. I be a famous ar- Boston subway system, "To gallery, Philler s assured unspecified charge s, tist ," said Phillers , "I got me like, you know , make people, President Gutter that it is evidently another work of priceless, saying "like , wow, ^ cont., pg 13 it's, you know, worth "Sweeny Todd " good, had, good, had , hut really good with ju st some had hits

by 'Wex Weed' Tarskin director. Thus , the performance was acted as a play,, a unified play, and not chaos- the actors knew what to do, OTIS ART... One of Co l by 's prev i ously and did it. This made the play very good , although one dull and unimag inative When I f ound out that President Gutter was allocating walIs Is made $250,000 to bring the original cast and set of "Sweeny wished that the lead actors had not acted so differently, as in to a work of art by Famous Artist their roles demanded, but in a more unified whole. Yes, , Todd" to Colby from Broadway, I was excited. Quite Hen ry V. Philler s. In his words Colby i , i f . I , , in reality, very ex- i i y d st . , exc ted n act must admit I was the d rector certa nl shoul have been much ronger now "is like uuhm cited. Exceptional excited-for how often does one get to The singing, too, could have been a cause for complaint of , , , a lot more , sort see a Broadway play which has won as many as "Sweeny from somebody more knowledgeable than I about singing. , like... l ove , and God , you know?" T d " . , that is, i y I, for one, am unable to hear the difference between a bass o d has .Awards wh ch have been won b that , i y t i i i f It show and have been quite S , i , and a tenor but I w ll sa h s: the s ng ng was aw ul. highl y, ver y much numerous. o I was ndeed certa inly did . not deserve any of the four awards the r-—Now ing at - excited-al though that is, perhaps , too play , g g , y . "singer got, p y f i i 1 d e strong a word or not stron enou h as the case ma be thou ght that suchresumabl awards orwould s ng gong towell those. mostwoul deser-hav "Good. It was good . Very ving, such as the cast of "S weeny Todd , " who received Cineman Central only four awards for a performance that I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed most of. Indeed, the only bad parts, I "Student Nurses ^f rom Planet X" good. Reall y, reall y good. b , i i f elieve were the songs and the s ng ng o the songs. Other Rated R In 3-D!!! 7 ; .9:30 than that, it was good. Excepf for the bad bits... " "Sweeny Tockr was, then, quite good, except for one or p i y b o "Abbott and Costello meet An American two small roblems that can eas l e worked ut. The Paj ama s Be that as it may be , or may not be, however and play itself was good, very good, very enjoyable, in fact, We rewolf in Their . " nonetheless, I was excited, as any long-time fan of cont., pg V2 Rated PG Need we say more? 7:30; 9 Broadway plays would be. And I am one of those. Fans , that is,, of Broadway . An ' afficionado' of shows, a 'con- 1200 works of art ' noiseur ' , p "Quest For Sex" of acting aS atron of the arts. I have long Unratable Three KDRs search for love dreamed of seeing " weeny Todd," as I have of any hubba Broadway play, never having been to one, although my donate d to Colby and understanding . Hubba , , eh? parents did take me to New York when I was six. Continuous showing daily I consider myself , therefore, as a true fan , to be able to be well-criticized. That is, to be able to criticize well, to Twelve hundred new President Gutter was Rocky XVII give good, solid constructive criticism of the play, of, works of art are presently enthusiastic about the new indeed, any play I might have the pleasure to watch. being displayed at Colby's addition to the museum Rated R The story goes on... and on... And , indeed , I must say, before anything else that might Art Museu m. collection. "Boy, " he said, and on... Whenever we fee l like It be said of "Sweeny Todd ," that it was. A pleasure to Donated by Mr. and Mrs. "It's just great, isn't it? Did watch. It was a good play, Quite good, as good as has been Elly N. Jet , and hanging in you see that little John ey's at Colby since I have been here , at least. Exceptionally the gallery named for them art?" He also stated tha t the "Kung-Fu Barbie " .except for the bad parts , , if numerous , are 1,200 drawing s in pencil drawings would help Colbie's Rated X for Xcltement Ever/one ' s good which were and crayon by kindergart en 2001 Campaign immensely. not long, althou gh there were one or two bad parts that favorite dol l fights for truth , Justice , were long, but they were not numerous. Overall , the students thr oughout Maine . "Uhm , yeah, that too," he play was good , though ; quite good, except for ,vs I said , Worth an estimated $3.26, said, "But just look at the American way , and anyth i ng else she 'Mommy , the parts that were less than good which were , really, the art represents a new Daddy, Me and feels like fighting over. Blood qalorell! bad. trend. "Pe ople used to tell Spot-great , huh?" Shown once in a while O , which was really not all bad but artists that their kids could Curly agreed. " Our no of these bad things do better work " collection used to be one of just not good, was the acting, which was terrible. Not, of , comments course , that this is the fault of the actors , who did a fine Museum Curat or Hugh the best in Maine. Now , it's "Making Love" job in their roles , but of the director , Curly, "Turns out,, they were the bes t in Maine and Rated R The film you thought would who should not have right. " " directed as much as he did. Canada. Curl y is curre ntly never come to Watervlllel!! Rather than allowing the actors to act as actors should Included in the exhibit is planning a ser ies of posters , Mora l Majority picket line act, he acted on tlie actors by directing their actions , as Johney Gutter 's "Mom my , post cards , and other 7; 9:30 Daddy, Mo and Spot," worth paraphernalia relating to tlie starting i hou r earlier at least " 2.5 cents." exhibit to sell in the museum store. ' ' ¦ " " ¦' ' " '" ' ' ' •' " .. _X __ * _-_-W~«--ii - '' -¦ ». A Musical ® < ** Note ^ i People/ In a fashion ^vaguely similar to of the recent Los Angeles punk movement comes the cerebrum- •nft 4sk splitting sound of the Rockport Rats-straight off the fiw beaches of Rockoort, Maine. Lead vocalist Billy NotByMe \x£z/ Sphincter has been called "the most blatant array of disgust and waste conceivable to mankind thus far." 'Quest for sex" is truely and the pain of KDRs with Known throughout the Rockport club scene for his one of the greatest films to brain damage from Hell habit of eating unborn Vietnamese children while come out of Hollywood or Week. performing, Sphincter describes the act as "pleasant wherever since "Debbie Acting the parts-type and enjoyable...a lot of fun for both me and my Does Dallas." cast, it would seem-are audience." He is the proud father of three children Words can hardly do gorillas, who capture exactly with whom he enjoys spending considerable time. justice to the movie. Its plot the life of frat members in an His wife says "Bill is a real family man." is simple; > beautifully anti-social world. . Their Guitarist Axel Rod is best thought of for his in- simple, simply beautiful. It expressionistic grunting credible strength. He plays a guitar made entirely speaks in the universal captures a frat-naan's real language of action, making vocubulary with amazing of iron and steel, describing the sound as "me." precision. "His" unique sound has produced trickles of blood words or sounds beyond from the ears of this listener more-than once. Rod grunts unnecessary-this is, (rf course, partly because of Sigmas and Chi-os, played claims to have made the guitar himself one weekend the acting. More on this, from scrap metal at the Iron Works plant where he later. The plot concerns by a variety of dogs and, in once worked. three KDRs, who are less intelligent roles, real- Bass player Ronald McDonald oftentimes plays his by Mark Avery nameless except for in- life sisters, also capture the instrument with flaming strings, strumming with an KDRs Yawrk, Muarg and Yaug dividualized grunts such as air of teasing sexuality and Fun loving make-up later cattishness iron, crucifix. McDonald is a horn-again Christain, top of their fun- "Urghh " or ^Yawrk." It is and refuses to do shows on the Sabbath. The Rats' hav i ng some fun on the story of their search for superfly. drummer 'Nailhead' Morgan is a proclaimed Nazi, lov i ng fra t house while preparin g to love in a world of Chi his name growing out of his black, spiked hair. He for l ove in the Omegas and Sigma Kis, who go ou t and search do not with-hold their favors. As for the photography- plays only with one drumstick, since he possesses f ra t 's big annua l par ty, the well, it is beyond words. One only one arm. real ism of the A simple plot, for a simple must see the close-ups of The band's upcoming L.P. entitled "Violation: "Braaak." Mote the movie. But how universal! It multi-colored," textured Defecation" is the result of hard work and the bub- costumes--apes , t he only ones who speaks from the heart, if not vomit; of druken faces with bling talent of these young virtuosos of the obscene. could mimic rea l KDRs , l ook jus t lower, of life, and lonliness. bloody cuts after a fight," of It is to be released on the N.A.C. label .not a chance, fraternity rooms lovingly in early June. The album features songs such as like the rea l thing , too . "Stealing People's Children (right off the beach)," MacFredo to give great lectu re actually re-created trom and "Rancid Love." A major tour will follow up and KDR frat-rooms, created by down the Maine seaboard. Talk of this new music is ProfessorS. M. MacFredo, allowing a herd of elephants been recently and-a-haif, with the possible and monkeys to live already spreading , the band having chairman of tlie history, exception of Shakespeare." in Cana da 's history, or just on the written up in such noteworthy publications as "The English, and physics plain wrong. Probably set for a week. One must see, It is not known what is meant too, Maine News." The band's music and performance departments at the by this comment, for the both." the dramatic vistas of have been described as "demanding further in- Professor John Lange, the party scenes-or scene, University of Canada Canadian refused to answer since the movie is really, a vestigation." One critic said that they "sure as hell (Toronto) will be on the any questions about it. head of the foreign studies took my aesthetics by surprise." The Rockport Rats - Colby campus Friday night, department responsible for party-with its com- MacFredo also refused to bringing MacFredo to Colby, plete.beautiful ballet of judge for yourself. May 17, for the 27th semi- comment on the exact tripping bodies, quasi annual Dana C. Foss agrees. "The lecture is as drunken location of the connections, important and interesting as slobs, abused girls, all in an Memorial Canadian Lecture. saying only "That's for me to inch of beer. It is a true work MacFredo will speak on anything the Cultural Life know and you to wonder." has brought in past, of art. "The Influence of Mu-Mu He did, however, hint that the "Quest for sex" is more e Good , if bad, hu t goo d Folklore on the Poetry of year." • from pg 11 they could be found some- Lange said also the than a movie about 3 lovable Wordsworth, Eliot and where north of Toronto, frat members: it is a true-to and well worth the $2.50 admission. It was, overall, a good OgdenNash, v MacFredohas " MacFredo was the best of thing; good in conception , good in production, good in behind my mother's over fifty possible guest life drama, an exact replica found a clear connection garage. of true exerts which, under performance, good in acting and in singing, and even good between the African tribes " lecturers. "Robert Redford in set-strike afterwards. Good all over, except for one or His discovery, it is wanted to come the director's guidence, mythological traditions- believed, is, in the words of , but who comes to symbolize man's two bits which which were not as good, but which were, particularly those of phallic cares about what an old own self-questioning, and certaintly, not as bad as the rest of the play. origins-and Colby's English department actor like him has to say, the poems of chairman Mat Paunchio, women's search for what he calls "the most anyway?" Other choices satisfaction. The viewer will Next week: "A Chorus Line" "One of the most significant included Mick Jaggar, important poets of the last see himself reflected on the century or two. Say century- Ronald Reagan and screen, his own desires, Shakespeare's ghost, ail of frustrations, and loves. See whom asked to pay their own "Quest for Sex"-you won't way to the lecture. regret it . - , . I God's gift to mankind, but still cank convince cont . pg 17 . ' ' • #********** ************************* the Ivy League? [ ^^^\-, Perhaps thou might try Bowdoin? jN&^\; : Conco rdeconquers time, ¦ ¦¦ ¦ - . •" " ' '• . '" / ' f The Dartvard in the Pines. ^__m_J^my' ' &_%/¦ J ' ^**£P*$T ^ * Rich, exclusive atmosphere ^ * lmmmmmXm\• ^ T / ^mmmMw^ * Plenty of interesting, • . • . WmHBT . ¦JL ^mmWF ^^ .. i • •__ > mmWsMmmWmll MmwWmMmW/M'iimmWr ' ¦ ; token minorities ' ^llWffl WmXmW&P^ ' :¦* Concorde gets you to Bangor in half the time. Save hours_and .; # ir Preference 'given to average ;y.;:¦ ' ^'*'" J jyork on both sJaw oTtheKennebec the same day. (Our Waterville }* ' ¦¦ ^m^S^^i^y' ' *;" 1 ^nDonaSfc costs but $3Tmore"tlin our Fim Clm)(-totciihjga [*" . intelligence jocks . ¦^JbJW^./J *^ y i ' Bangor toPt. Kent? Catch our 8:30 fi, : ' * cdtinectirgfliditin Atyt * Unlimited opportunity to play _ * y ' , " * ^*m~rteM*M&0?f iV**'* I W iti__i_"*i ^vMiy * "Early Bird" from Augusta It's a beauty. / '^ yfr * ' •>¦ ¦ ¦< ¦¦¦¦-''¦¦¦»< college dilettante v *., ' i . I i I- ' " ' i ' 1t. Tr " ' I'V; .- ' W role of liberal fillip ,y ; ' •£ ¦" ' ¦' frya rt 'i' iWnW 1 '. ' ' surrenderin g money-making degree or having 1 ^J ' vfo • ****** K^IIM! '* . J* without V AUG 8:30 AM 5:15 PM» Pally 'H Eastern establishment hear about your behavior—_—__. HarbOF ' ' ¦ AUG K: |S AM 8.0Q PM* Pally j, . _ . '$$ f our } > & Bowdoin, why dr ink away years anyp lace else ? ¦ J IWVLI 12.50pm[9»5SPM» 1 w.,f„su. | QlTWa yS jj Member. Pre f erred Hotel Association j ^ ' * *+:mm ^wm®m^^ *v*" • Colby to be put Arts Notes under wraps by Christo STUDENT RECITAL; Ostentatiously Given Auditorium, tonight at 8. Christo, the famous artist Reactions to the artist's who has wrapped every thing plan vary. "How much will from buildings to canyons, "the campus be worth?" and who has plans to asked President Gutter, "THE THREE LITTLE BEARS" will be per- coast-lines, now has "Can we sell it?" > formed tonight, Friday and Saturday nights in the revealed his latest piece of The Board of Trustees President Forget I. E. Bye Dear Theater at 8. Come art. ' .;__;.; , ' . '.;¦ unanimously voted for the see your fellow students embellish these difficult "I will - wrap Colby proposal, reasoning that "we roles with their superior talents and subtle im- College," said the middle- won't have to build any more provements on the age-old legend. aged wrap-artist in a recent damn buildings." nation-wide interview. The student body was less "The area itself is perfect. enthusiastic. "Hey," asked On top of a hill, the material IFC President Doug Carp, DR. KURT MACRODRIGUEZOVSKY will speak will be seen for miles." He "what if we run out of beer?' on amoeba as amorphous art forms in room 106A of plans to use pink and orange Comments from; other Sir Julius Freely Fixedher Building Monday at? material for the project, students included "Will we although "fraternity houses stall have to go to classes?" will be black, as befitting and "Oh, wow." CLASSICAL SELECTIONS of Gertrude A their status-so will President Faculty members have McFiddlehead's private taste will be performed by Gutter's house." come down opposed to the the Colby Communally Sympathetic Orgasma at the Each building will be proposed wrap. "Students cardboard shell named in her honor, Sunday at 3 p.m. separately wrapped, with might enjoy themselves" one long piece of cloth en- was one comment . "How'll closing them all. • I let Daisy out if I'm A HAPPENING will occur through the Phineas X. wrapped in?" was another. F. O'Fuddlehead III doorways. Despite this resistance to ¦ ¦ ' ¦ t. . .. . ' the plan, Christo is prepared • Otis art to go ahead with the project. EXHIBIT of student artwork will continue through "All I need is money," said Liberation Weekend in the Mr. and Mrs. G. Chestnut the artist. "Anyone know Morgan gallery. where I could find , oh, say, from pg 11 $25 million?" Colby being wrapped . "I like, hope everyone gets Otis," he later said. ' 'It's so obvious, so, like, cosmic- PERFORMANCE by.pre-Christian tablet carvers anyone who gets it will, lik e, will take place on the Hon. G. C, Morgan Finklestein be...- love" Otis, it seems, is bench, in Fixedher Building. God; "He's like, the sun, the moon, the stars, gravity, an A on a Benbow test . . . he's like everyone, man." BE-IN will occur in the Lady Elizabeth Olive Rose "Colby is very lucky to Pearl Amber Dawn Knight space, of the "Lefty" become a living work of LeCorbusier '47 room, in. the Admirable Byrd Wing of art," said Gutter, "I am the Really Just Mud Building, whenever you want. very, very happy."

Hey Colby "-^ Thank s for feeding my w ife, my kids & myself ove r the past year. Donations w ill be accepted gladly £l for the surnme r months . ¦ ¦ ^tftefcJS Please make checks - ^j ^M payable to: ^^^ -: ^^ SfflF ; ' ;.;\ : Thj_f ; \-; ¦ ¦W ¦ ^ ¦§ Re^ r^ l^^fS^ctj oh ; J i||tft . .. ' . ell , , Dungp ll^s ¦ ¦ W yoty $6 long er hove tb. ;3Sirifce 1929 y yy^&^M&M-i^-- ' i M ' ^P P 'mil Polyeste r has been $yno nyiir i|^^ wi th sweat stains ^ !; obes.ty and those people too tacky to knpw better ^ !;' , ¦ ¦ Dungplle 's fine fleet of locals is always ready to y \NW0f ^m . ' to vv l. \ i^H ^mmA- n- ' ¦ S |l : - y ; r.OUtfit;; ' y 'JW$ Wi^$^$$$$£yi?- • < * miMiHlliiii lp» ^ : 'Sf ¦ " ; ^ are Since -j^llmyy,: ^ yyyyyy • ¦v. y{y ^y^pp ] 0f L. ttle Qii^tty 1929 . 69 Outhouse Ave , Hootervllle , Ma i ne TO YOU OUT GOING SENIORS - Open when we ' re not closed . You ' re kiddin g your seIf If you thin k we can dea l with Master Card , Visa or Americ an Express! ¦ ¦ ¦ ' ' '' ' ' ' " ¦ ' ' ¦ " ¦ . • ' » . ' , i : i :¦ • ' ' ' ' ; . . . , '¦ . , • ¦ Dungplle 's, where you can always count on clashing , • ¦ ' ¦ ¦ '¦ ¦ ____^^ _^_; _ ; ;—; L__^ • ' • ' ¦- ' ----- —- ' ^_^^ _^__ Di recto r Weak Knee replaced by Carsister The Women' s Group, having long been outraged by the Director of Financial Aid, Gary Sly Weasel , is thrilled discrimination here at Colby, has finally decided that by Carsitter 's proposed policy. Weasel claimed , "Now the drastic measures must be taken in order that the campus four categories for financial aid will be finally equalized. be integrated equally. Sarah Graftin , president of the No longer will category number two (athletes ) be female coalitio n, has recently announced , "the only way dominated by males . It was ridiculous the way we had for women to ultimately have equality with the men on practically a whole category for male athletes, receiving this campus , is for a severe reverse discrimina tion policy financial aid , when most of them didn't have the academic to be implemented. " At the conclusion of the women's qualifications to be accepted here. Now finally the meeting , Laura Carister was nominated to seek the Women's Group has a chance to rectify a problem that position of Head Athletic Director, hopefully replacing everyone else has nonaged to ignore for whatever Dick Weak Knee. reasons . The $150,000 that had been previously designated Laura Carsister insisted that men's athletics have for male athletes will now be dispersed equally for all the always been the domineering factor at Colby and they categories. should be eliminated. She feels that the starting place for equality will commence with the ending of men's sports at Carsister is enthusiastic about the upcoming battle. She Colby. Her proposal came as no surprise to Precedent says, " Ther e are so many possibiliti es for women athletes Wilhelm Gutter , who also feels that men's athletics have today. With the elimination of Men 's athletics we could long been behind the segregation of the campus. When even take their budget and send women to El Salvador. questioned, Gutter grinned from ear to ear , and somehow Not only wouldthe women compete in athletic endeavors, while smiling managed to grit his teeth together and say, but a requirement for a women athlete at Colby would also "It' s about time the Women's Group did something call for a strong opposition to U.S. military intervention in constructive and innovative on this campus. The El Salvador-so , aside from playing sports , athletes would elimination of men's athletics at Colby has some positive Ex-Athletic Director Dick Weak Knee. now have to be political activists. Feeling sympathetic for aspects. I never could play sport , and I fail to see why the possibility of Weak Knee losing his job, Carsister men should place so much importance on such an inane Prohibite d from participation in their own battle for considered hiring him as a sort of assistant to her pastime. I think it would be extrememly beneficial to the survival . Athletic Director Dick Weak Knee has organized assistant- " as long as he doesn't make waves and goes maturity level of this campus if the men were forced to a prcketline direc tly outside Lovejoy 100. Weak Knee is along with my policy implementation s." grow up and stop playing games. This policy could set a joined by Men 's coach Dick Shitmore , track coach Dingdong Bell, women's basketball coach Ribs precedent for all the other colleges. If the Women 's Group trainer is successful with this operation , maybe next year I'll let Lore nzo, coach ' Walrus Covall, and Borema Sylvestre. (Coach Deb Hockeypuck is allowed at them dea l with the elimina tion of the frats... " new assistant An emergency meeting of the trustees , overseers , Stu- the meeting as she has been nominated the A, Stu-J , and a special Dean's council is called for athletic director ). Weak Knee is awestruck over the situation. He was overheard saying to Shitmore , "Those tomorrow at 2:00 in Lovejoy 100. Precedent Gutter has set 's farce has gone up another committee- the E.M.S. (Elimination of men's dizzy broads , this time that damn women too far. Eliminate men's athleti cs? Never ! Might as well sports ) Task Force to further probe this policy . E ,M,S, 's Chairman Daisy Maisel could only bark and growl when eliminate sports altogether , who cares about women sports anyway , we only offer them to keep the women asked her opinion of men's athletics. they take a yard...women are Ca rsister 's proposal will be presented jointly at the happy...G ive them a foot , only good for one thin g..." emergency meeting to Precedent Gutter and to the adm issions and supervisor of the NESCAC organization . The present Precedent Gutter further stated that the financial aid offices would have a heavy burd en lifted off athletic staff is barred from all hearings and committee admissions office meetings. Committee members feel they want to get their shoulders. No longer would the have to pick throu gh the piles of applicat ions looktrig for down to business, and the athletic department would get y i New A.D. Laura Carsister . in the way. "This is a highly -controversial issue and male athletes. No longer would the have to l e about there is no room for any emotional outbursts by the potential cums in order to sanctify the men's admission. Weak Knee could only shudder , pound the wall with his Acting Dean of Admissions General Scarecrow McArthur picket sign and say, "It' present athletic administration," stated Precedent y s all or nothing. I wouldn't work Gutter. explained, "Finally the acceptance standards for Colb for that crazy broad. As far as I' m concerned she can take will actually be followed. I can forsee the entire cum of her goddamne d feminist movement and shove it. " the campus rising by 1.8 points. " Colby Red Sox fans rejo ice

Colby College announced financial aid," said Stein- Dean Janic e Sidewind er President Steincotter said today that it is buying the cotter. "A nd we might not be said the baseball acquisition that the Sox would stop Boston Red Sox and moving able to furnish the library was an attem pt to please all trying to hit home runs and them to Waterville, Maine. addition, but the building is of Colby' s Ma ssachus etts would start playing his kind The surprise announcem ent still quite a showpiece. '' students and to get even of ball, "B ifiyball. " Phyllis by Colby Pre sident W lliam "Who needs all of that junk more Massachusetts George Suflaki will be the R. Steincotter, caught the anywa y when we have a students to apply to the manager of the team baseball world off guard and major league baseball team college, because she can relate well sent man y Bo Sox fans into right in Waterville. I know I to over-paid men according 't be at the library "All the students from uncontrolled drinkin g bouts. wouldn around Boston who come up to Bill. The purchasing price of when the Red Sox were in ," Steincotter adm itte d here to Maine said the one the club was reported to be town thing Waterville heeded is a "I want my team drinking proudly. Steincotter even led and womanizing," said the $24.5 million dollars which , if believe that baseball team ," said you' this re porter to President . "Actually , maybe re concerned, does not the ca pita ] campaign was a Sidewinder. "So wegot one." include bats and balls. When "I think this will go over we can start a frate rnity for plan all along to purchase them ." questioned by investigating the baseball team or even quite well with the New York Muckrake * reporters , who Celtics. Times Selective Guide to Although the team will wondered how the college the Boston retain the name Red Sox, the The presiden t also Colleges. I mean , what other could afford the darlings of Colby had 's home colors will be New England reported that college will have a Mike team oran ge so that no , President snatched the Red Sox away Torez or a Jim Rice teaching fluorescent Steincotter replied that the was even biology? players will be lost durin g school was conducting a 25 from Bowdoin , who the hunting season. Also the more desperately searchin g "Our quality of life ra ting be million dollar capital for a way to spend lots of should be at least five stars . team's nickname will not campaign and that funds money . Rumors out of Can you imagine the Strider "the Sox" because no would be diverted. now indicate that lecturer as Jerry Romy on players will wear , in Brunswick the Colby tr adition. Neither "Admittedly, we might not ore so bunt ing. Wow ! I Ralph Houk "the be able to increase the en- depressedthe Bowdies they 're plannin g could take Margaret' s place will the nickname bo Colby Pres i dent William Rt Ste i ncot ter Rod" despite vthe pleas of dowment , buy a new com- to build a new science nt Roberts /' said throws out first ball for the new Colby puter and provide more center. Heaven forbid I Sidewinder. Foss-Woodmanitefl. Red Sox . Rugby-SoftbalI--SchwiII on the hill The: Rugby team; and the pulled together , and struck in their tracks and collapsed. It was a close match women's softball ^m.hiave out;-the next three batters It was amazing, but Farty between the instigated a new policy to be ending the r^gby threat: The stole home and won the members and fifteen of the implemented annually here tale of the softball win is game. rugby chuggers. In the end it on Runnal's Hill. First the hard to believe. Farty Mo P. became happy and came down to Rugby's teams engage in a nine in- Driscoll singled to left. was the first to the keg. As a Becknail 20-21 (booting the ning softball game: Then it Grabby Greenlaw smashed matter of fact, the softball last), Linda Churchkill 17-17 , was decided that the losers one up the center for another team managed to kill the and Windy Davis (19-19) in a keg, before the rugby team tight match against Beth pay¦ for the kegs. single. Then it happened: ( ¦ , The softball. team ?tookMo Carol Slyman bunted up the recovered from Fairty. "Lush", Ellis 21-21) , "Sly" the field for the com- first base line. As the rugby Softball , captain . - Beth (18-18); Happy (19-19) and mencement of the game. first baseperson bent to pick "Lush" Ellis ordered the Spit Whit 17-18 (booting the Sophomore pitcher Mo P. up the ball, "Sly" bulldozed rugby team to go buy more, last). This year it was too Wine struck out the first two over her to be safe at first. as B.A.R. representative dose to determine a schwill- rugby batters and catcher Then Farty on third, let one Lefty Pawes Dawes kept the off winner, but next year softball team having by Ned Lipes Grabby Greenlaw snagged a go and the whole infield of stats on which team could with the foul ball to finish the inning. the rugby team stopped dead drink the most. more practice - who knows. The softball team started the semester bottom half of the inning off by John Lyons Ski well with Die-Hard Peterec Next year at Colbyy the student, a double major in smashing a double through Athletic Department is of- either hot dog-racing or shortstop Deirdre Bluffy's fering a new course to be ballet - racing will be of- legs. (Bluffy claimed that given by visiting professor fered. However, the double with her recent back injury Jean Claude Killy. (Of major is not to be taken she couldn't bend over sober course the women's group is lightly, as this will involve big E should be titled "ef- petitioning for world- intense skiing starting at 6 fort" not "error") Next, Pill reknown Cindy Nelson) The a.m. rather than 9 a.m. and Lord bunted down the first course is to be offered from will continue straight base line, advancing Die- December through March - through the day until 5 p.m. Hard to third. Pitcher Pizza everyday from 9 a.m. until 4 (Students who wish to double Clark then made an amazing p.m., with a half hour break major must bring a come-back, striking out the for -lunch at the summit of flashlight) next three batters to retire Sugarloaf which would in- the inning. clude wine and cheese. A condominium is to be At the top of the ninth The new ski semester is rented at the base of the inning the score was tied 2-2. worth 14 flexible credits and mountain. Space is limited Rugby athlete Jeffrey can be taken either pass-fail to 1500 students, so return Becknail smashed a line or for a letter grade. The your course selection sheets drive double into right field, course is open for all those early. . There will be a followed by lefty Fozzy students who love the out- separate room draw for Pawes Dawes dropping the doors and ability is not a housing at Sugarloaf. For ball behind second ensuring prerequisite; Classes will be those students who pick a single for herself, moving held in ballet, hot dogging, lousy numbers, there is Becknail to third. With the freestyle, and racing. The always the waiting list. For winning run on third, Mo P. classes will be further those students who don't divided into beginner, ad- make the quota, you can vanced beginner, in- always petition. Ski termediate, and expert Semester, LET'S MAKE IT levels. For the ambitious HAPPEN! Ding Dong's belles chime The women's spring track past weekend irt the of his girls this season. He petitive situation for next season has finally come to an Easterns. stated, "Our problem now is year. He is attempting to end, finishing a remarkable, Other top performers that we're too good for our include U. Texas El Paso on undefeated 12-0. Colby's include . freshmen Soup conference. My philosophy is the schedule to provide some vicious annihilation of the Campbell and Debbie Lin- athletics above all else. competition for his distance other NESCAC schools tbag. Both established school NESCAC unfortunately, runners. "They're just not proved Coach Ding Dong records in the 400 and 800 places academics ahead of gettin enough of a workout Bell's Mules to be one of the respectively, while athletics, That is wrong. around here," Westcoast top Division III powers in qualifying for New Englands Until Colby drops out of related, "so we'll have to New England. and Easterns. Soup was also NESCAC, our potential will look elsewhere." Their more prominent the NESCAC champion in never be reached." However, Chrysler Dodge achievements include the 400 meters. Asked to comment on the and Sneezand Coffin are beating division one schools In the distance "events, the season, overall, Ding Dong wary of Westcoasts's am- UNH and UMO, dominating Mules had less kick. When announced, "My Mules are bitions, "We want to win ; to NESCACs, and eating more asked to comment on the the greatest. Next year we be undefeated, always. If we ice cream than any Colby always injured milers, P. E. will be even better. If A. D. run against UTEP, that may athletic team in recent Wheatley and Cullen WeakKnee succeeds in not be possible." removing Colby from , by Don Gallo history. Ding Dong's mile BurgerKing, Ding Dong Their modesty is evident relay team of Cory Apple, remarked, "P. E. is lazy. No NESCAC, we will be on our however, because Sneezand Chris Chainlink, Soup motivation . I haven't even way to establishing the best Coffin and Chrysler Dodge Cambell, and Debbie Lin- seen her around the women's track team outside are All Americans. Joined by 'Ribs ' tra des Cross tbag ran well consistently, fieldhouse in hours. I'm of North Carolina!" Tom Pickerel and Robrace placing third in New presently negotiating a trade On the men's teapn, Coach Edson, who recently In an unprecendented team. I expect him to be a with Ribs Lorenzo involving Jim Westcoast is equally qualified for tlie national in leader both on the court and Englands, winning move women's basketball NESCACs, and shattering P.E. Wheatley and Cullen thrilled with his success. tlie steeplechase, West- coach Ribs Lorenzo recently in the locker room." The Burgerking for Payroll However, Westcoast is coast's distance runners are wonderkids Torace the school record repeatedly. announced his intent to trade Thc standout of the season Simon and Cathy Bragsaton. uncertain about the com- a match for anybody. 7'U" Don'tbe Cross for the Longlegs, Payroll Simon, They play Let'sbe Mulchers had to be T. J. Handoff , are athletes. men's, team captain Bobby , Kathy NESCAC champion in three basketball. They can do Impatient. When asked to gsaton , and Soup Erry anything. Ribs can put P. E. when asked hot to comment events , breaking school comment about this unusual records, qualifying for New out in . left field, and trade Ribs, affectionately said : "No comment." BurgerKing can take over Impatient is looking for- Englands, Easterns , and known as Beano, said. Nationals, this freshman has Payroll's job pitching." Don'tbe was getting too tall ward to the trade. "I can't ' Ding Dong Bell is also " wait to play with the girls!" the talent and desire to excel for our team. The rest of the at any level. excited because another players wore spending far Outgoing women's capta in of the basketball palyer, Mo Birch, Susan Tallyho said "Shoot! I , ^Th$ surprise season, too much tithe In the training lip'weyer, was the three will be joining the track room with stiff necks/' would have liked to play with team next spring, She, Fran Bobby tool" ¦ . :\,. ., :#r.^ basketball players. Torace The trier's coach Won 't Longlegs, Let'sbe Mulchers, Thctool; and Jackkriife Sitmore feels Don'tbe will be In summing Up ;the team's White will rule in the ^H^ $irid Krlscross Johnson were u great asset to his team, S^^tot^MStwide. stars in the high jump, long throwing events, while 'Xlon'tbe is tall-* like that!'. Debbie Ranlong, Legs tr_1dc:.i3 pcndi,ig approval jump, and hurdles,Krlscross Women's team • captain performed exceptionally Winner, and Bert Bloombag [ Debbie Air swell was/excitec i:A i well In the heptathlon, where will go the distance. about the trade ^ptleril <^i. , . . ..., . .., . ' < . ..., , ,, ,. ! . Colby Mules upset Stanford in heated contest

by Spud Collins At number two , Frew Peter VanDick came In an effort to boost their The one that really mat- through once again at fifth national recognition tered was played before a McMuffin , garbed in , the traditional , singles, -as the dapper Colby Colby team accepted capacity crowd on the soft- star combined an awesome a challenge from Stanford and-slow fieldhouse courts . used a variety of drop volleys and junk to blow his backhand with " stunning University for a pair of The crowd especially ap- opponent away in str aight court mobility for the win. matches last week-and the preciated the return of John sets. Flying through the air "Peter the Prince " received Mules came away with a McEnroe , who had been to make easy shots look much applause from the split against the top ranked called back to play for his difficult , McMuffin standing room only crowd. team in the nation. college especially for the psychologically annihilate d In the final , most im- Last Friday the Mules Colby match. McEnroe left his opponent with his spins pressive match of the day, were dumped 8-1 in Palo Alto the school after winning the and dink shots. Billy Whipless made it two but Colby got revenge the NCAA' s as.a freshman two Number three player Dug wins in a row with an next day back in Waterville years ago, but he is eligible awesome serve and' volley to play ., for three more "Nerfball" Smears , playing with a 9-0 win on the slow turf on the surface he worships , attack. He then evaded the in the Colby f ieldhouse. seasons at Stanford. had the easiest mat ch of the post-match press conference Asked to summarize the day. His Stanford opponent and headed for the nearest team's effort against the McEnroe was pitted walked off the court early in keg with fellow singles nation 's best tennis team , against top Colby player the match , after Smears had specialist Smears. sophomore Billy Whipless Dead Babies, and the match executed a lob-dropshot-l ob Posted to play an said , "The team? What was , as expected , very dropshot-lob-dropshot exhibitio n seventh singles team? I got my two wins, vocal, as both players used winner combo. Apparently match , redhead Butch and that' s all that counts . I expletives and gestures angry at Smears' habit of Hobson "blew off the con- was the only guy that won throughout the match. towelling off for five minut es frontation. Hobson claimed out there. I won, man...that' s between series, the Stanford he had an overabundance of all that -counts. The Whip is player reportedly was heard academic pressure and back , you can quot e me on Taunted by jeers from his saying, "This isn't tennis ! could not make it for the that. " home crowd , Babies Thi s is bullshit!" match. The world's top player , John McEnroe , Colby coach Kit Carson received Warnings from the At fourth singles, the Colby returned to Stanford last week to take had a different assessment officials for consistently captain of condUct , Toby In doubles play, Colby was on the Mules. McEnroe was upset in a of the home-and-home impressive . firing tennis balls at young Weingard , screamed and extremely con troversial match against Co l by 's series. "We needed the children in the stands. The yelled until his opponent Babies and McMuffin won competition . I' m tired of Psycho Killer eventually literally would not dare call the top match , while Dead Babies . wasting our time playing held on for a 6-4, 4-6, 1-0, a ball out Weingard ended Weingard teamed with Half NESCAC schools, like Bates. default victory, as McEnroe his four year career by Nelson to win at number two. They were lucky to win out walked off the court in receiving a congratul atory Tlie Dick and Handy Anson , Lax bat wome n there , it' s as simple as that. disgust after Babies threw handshake from best friend who wore Varney shades to The match at Colby was the iiis racket at him early in the Dick Wittimore after match the match , completed the only one that really mat- third set. point. sweep at third dubs. ters. " resto re j ustic e

d as soon as they hcrusaeard ersabout the battle . Women on ste roids i g suit were : Bam BamFollow nCunn ingham , Liz Kuckoo and. Jets Perry. The women's rugby budget Robin , , i president Keg Keenan then cknamed cause has been resolved . This past p p d t i f e Chris, joined , captains Pizza Clark ro ose tha nstead o th hoping to steal from the rich week $1,000 budget , the team could p and Jeffrey Becknail met getby on a $400 bud get. and give to the oor. i C t ' S i i w th Precedent, lobber o It appears that next year s lim F tch and Pa l decide the final ap- y b i Hutch inson were named p p i i f g , rugb team will e tak ng players of the ; game in their ro r at ons or the bud et steroids. A bottle of steroids Precedent Clobber has yet per player-to be taken heroic attempt to. rescue a p i y stra y dog out in the middle of another ol c to begin here throughout the entire season at Colby and hopefully will as well as pre-season will the playing field. Slimiater p d g exclaimed , "h oly hounds bat s rea throu hout the take effect as of August 28- nation. woman! That was quite a In a recent Stu-A meeting, prior to the fall rugby rescue. " K season . A bottle of steroids by ; it was decided that the Don Gall q Emily Butchelder , Butc h, p p f costs $3,49, and when , a mob of and Ja ne " quick-shot" budget ro osal or rugby distributed among the 70 Last Monday was too high. Trainers, caped crusaders forced their Vigeant posed as maske d equipment , doctors , women, the total is $244.30. way on to the Colby marvels in their mission for , The remainin g $155.70 will be coaches and lecturers were field.. They said they " came peace on the Colby campus. jus t too expensive to be in- used to subsidize travel. to fight , for justice on the As Heather McDoofie said , s about time somethin g cluded in the '32-'83 budget. Colby campus. " When in- "It' As a compromise Stu-A terviewed , , straight from was done to brin g about l Tndd Lachman DV "Ster olds are much Gotham City , Commissioner justi ce here on campus , and Cluck said she "decided to if Stu-J won't do it~we bat less trade in her old lacrosse women will I" team and replace them with Spill Watson made a diving ¦' attempt to Score in the battle ' . ''' the bat women. expensive . . Bat woman herself , posing against crime ; Katy "what' s -Pres i dent Clubber as mild-mnnnered Sandra the shooting lane?" Spenser Lan g, drove straig ht to the and Smelly Paules put the MI W field with her assistant finishing touches on the \ j ¦ I Precedent Clobber stated , victory over crime and ;¦ ¦ ¦' ' "Steroids are a much less Tiedles, better known ss V. - •;• , ,;/ ;. jkegs /1 "the girl wonder " . They punishment. Smelly " .IP in stock expensive approach to solve wra pped up the battle for OPEN EVER Y NIGH T TIL L 12 I the ru gby budget dilemna. both arrived in their well ¦ disguised bat mobile. justice by tying the Not only Is this method less "Heft Plymouth State Penguins to FRIDAY & SATURDAY TILL 1AM I expensive , but having the bat cave as soon as I heard that order and justice thc bat cage, stronger women out there Later that day, the mayor- LAST ORDER TAKEN 15 MIN . BEFORE CLOSING I may cut down on Injuries. was needed at Colby," said ^H bat woman Lang , Tiedles, L&ah-awarded the bat team Imagine running into a steel with o medal for their heroic wall." The rugby players "the girl wonder /! ex- 4 KENNEDY DRIVE WATERVILLE 373-6565 873-75741 claimcd, "Holy hotcakes bat attempts to restore justi ce themselves are happy with not only lh Gotham City but the outcome. They reveal woman! I would do anything for the battle against crime on our own Colby campus. that UMO has long been on j 10 inch medium cheese pizza takin g steroids and in order but do I have to wear mv Stay tuned next wee* for them to remain com- !! !$mouthg uard?" the same bat channel-same 1,75 petitive , they are happ y that Jamie , "no-knoes" bat time for. another exciting Regular Buy one get one free j Colby hns implemented this Mclnslosh and Sally Glee; episode of the bat women I new policy . with her bullet-proof vest taking over President char ged up to join the caped Gutter 's house. . Expires 5/30/82 —-— — '¦ —— J Wadsworth will turn into pub

In a surprising move last "Besides," he added, "who Clueless Windy Maisel, a impress me about the new week, Colby Athletic wants to go see ten people professor of government of pub. First, there will be no Director Drink FoFree running up and down the the college, said, "It 's about discrimination. Short and announced that starting in court when you could go get time this place got to be tall stools will be provided so September, Wadsworth a good stiff down at the more like Harvard! No, that people of all sizes will be Gymnasium will be new pub?" seriously, I think that it is a able to enjoy the at- renovatecLand turned into an FoFree estimates that the great idea. It gives me a mosphere. Second, the all-campus pub. renovation will cost about great big place where I can drinks served will come in FoFree said that he is one million dollars, but he go talk to women athletes.'' adult and children's por- totally committed to the said that the money had President Gutter added, tions. That is a terrific deal students here at Colby and already been given to him "In my years at Colby, no for those of us who can't put that anything he can do to out of the Colby 2000 Cam- idea has been better than down a large drink." improve the quality of the paign by Herr Wilhelm this. Now the entire campus FoFree noted that the gym social life on campus will Gutter, Colby's beloved will have a place to go guzzle does have one committment make him swell with joy. president. beer. I personally plan to be to fulfill before the When asked about the there all the time." renovations begin. He said athletes who normally use The new pub, as yet un- that from June 1 to June 14, the gym, FoFree said, named, will soon become the New Stu-A Executive Alcoholics Anonymous will "There are plenty of athletic center of campus social life, Chairperson George Meany be conven tioning in the gym fields available and if they with beer and liquor licen- had these remarks: "The as part of their Alcoholic want to play some basket- ses, and dancing girls new pub is great because it Fortnight in Waterville, ball, we can always set up nightly, the enthusiasm will take the pressure off the which includes a tour of the some baskets in the among faculty, ad- Stu-A to come up with three mile loop while fieldhouse parking lots like ministration, and students alternative . social events. chanting the AA's 1982 we do in the summertime." has' been overwhelming. Two things in particular slogan, "Alcohol Blows." j Workers are shown prese ntly renova ting 1 Wadswo rth.

m AAacFred o f rom pg 12 Expecting a large crowd to attend the lecture, which will "But," said Lange, "we be held at the shell, the know that the Colby student administration has shut has far more interest in down all other social events intellectual fulfillment than for that night, including the in gross sensationalism or Stuge-A film "Apoca lypse star-worship." And Now" and all fraternity Professor MacFredo is one parties. "It would be a of the top Canadians .in his wasted effort. Why bother field . I mean, only two are with 'em?" aksed President any better, and he's cer- Gutter. "I'd rather go to the tainly nicer than the fourth." lecture any day."

r Can't get no ^ satisfaction ?

* * * Frew Mc Muffin flies high in new pub *^ President Wilhelm Gutter ba r rel s slopes. * down new Co l by ski V * — — _ * j am mw • ^**^~. ago * tr S+& y Thre ^^ ^ ? Tr y the Echo e munths I couden 't even sper\ 1 W ^?*^ Now are one at I I /^^i:_^R\_?'UQ''n'• / Baytz College I) STAFF! Let it be __ . ' j Is this you? Well don \ ^ ^ir \ 't despair , L V 61 own in ^ IJ ^ ^ Baytz is still you r best (and last) 5r! -^ ^ . - ' CT" * THE FAMILY : .j chance for a 'dip loma PLUNNINQ CENTER m ?? Acceptances are now being purchased at the ^T'l^M) Reproductive health care, VD the #; ^ mW screening, contraception , Registration desk : Howard Johnson's Hall, Lewiston. pregnancy.testing Special to seniors booted from other , feiF • 0§^ sx ' 101 Water St„ Waterville, 873-2122 schools. Ask about our retroactive * Toll free 1-800-452-8760 echo -^t^^^^ 50 Water St., Skowhegan, 474-8487 diplomas, Full credit for full cash. No ¦ • ¦ ¦ » yA^bj pKK^^ * I attendance necessary I ° ' " ^ ' 1 • ^ • • MMfflft i# - ¦ ¦ • ¦ ¦ ¦ • Single and • ¦ " ' married women and men are welcome. Baytz: Where intelligence knows no &OMW^JHM§§§^ . A free copy ' of Woman's Body to all new clients and knowledge isn*t an exclusive commodity IE mR ^ «, bringing in this ad. , ' y Lette rs^————• _-_ —- . f - I . ^Xl »». -. From the Editor— Newspaper exploitation forces resignan^^ To theEditdr: capitalism of the United up. Rotten music on the BORING con- States, look to yourselves. radio, the Career plannin g sho uld A grevious crime has been Our fina l statement is: It's a versation, ^E'RE ones exposed in the midst of a so- good thing that this is the who get the freezing blasts of called respectable final issue; in light of our arctic air drily to block them organization" on this Colby complaints, WE QUIT!! for you. And who's talking go one step farther Campus. After a full year's Sincerely, about illegible, unreadable work in the production room Kissa Loozya writing? ? ? You'd never of , we Blitzbath Nose know anyone . out there Too many Colby seniors will be jobless after graduation this year. In these finally raise our pens to Good Lord you guys really graduated from high school. complain about this ex- did it this tirne. Think you Yup; I really think I'm gonna times of rising unemployment and inflation, it is the colleges with the best ploitation. While we two can get the entire campus on besick. job placement programs which will attract the most talented students. proofreaders (and several your side do you? Well, I for Colby simply needs to demonstrate more commitment to its graduates. others like us) slave for one am aboUtready to throw A terribly tired typist hours in this frozen tundra of Merely by doubling tuition, Colby could.supply the members of the senior a closet, and suffer the Student hates, hates, hates I class with subsistence-level incomes for four years after graduation. vexations of dealing with Dear Editor: What's more, I really don Tripling tuition would provide an income well above the national average tempermental equipment, 't the enemies-1 mean the I wish to complain. Alot. I like it here. _ ' for first-year college graduates. Colby's 100 percent placement ratio under editors and writers of the hate Colby. I hale Colby With spite, such a plan would easily make it the most prestigious institution in the staff- lounge in the comfort students. I hate Colby Joe country. of their richly carpeted, professors. I hate Colby Q.Colby finely decorated office. food. I hate Colby buildings. P.S. I hate puppies too. Some students may complain about the necessary tuition increase, but the Furthermore, we have to put logic is unimpeachable: What's an extra ten or twenty grand a year, when it up with illegible, Another misrepresented quarantees you a job for four years, and probably for the rest of your life? gramatically incorrect, and To the Editor: build up the staff," when I technically inferior articles, I would just like to express know for a fact and, in ad- Not only will this plan benefit seniors by giving them a proper arnount of and also tolerate the verbal my distress over the article dition, I heard Deborah say time to look for a job, without they worry of academics, it will also have and physical abuse of our in last week's ECHO con- that "Craig has worked superiors." The typists obvious benefits to Colby. If each graduate is placed on the college staff as a " cerning the new editor. As a very, very hard." I only hope infuriate us to no end with close frined to Deborah, I that this type of yellow tutor, Colby will be the only college in the universe with a better than one-to- corrections that need to be know for a fact that she was journalism will not continue one student-faculty ratio. corrected. The layout crew misrepresented and in the future. constantly sticks their hands misquoted. The article read Sincerely, The fact is, this is a simple solution to a major problem. If Colby wishes to and bodies where they don't that Ms. Fanton thought that Brandy Julian, ECHO keep its tradition of alumni financial support, it will.have to find them jobs belong moving, removing, "Craig worked very hard to Mascot first. By adopting this plan, and stealing unfinished the administration could prove that its first articles. If the 6 o'clock Put yourself first, Mr. Pres ident priority is students, and that it is aggressively looking to the future. deadline passes by the lay- To the editor : should think first of the out staff invariable blames opportunity for himself, and us.while the editors bring the I heard J. Ruffiy Bull not worry about Colby. typists more articles-long speak at the Colby 2,000 Somehow, the college will ones at that. Never do the dinner, and I must say I survive without him. We at writers with their 5:30 agree with his prediction Colby are willing to make a Wednesday afternoon ar- that President Gutter may sacrifice for the sake of ticles accept the respon- be spatched up at any minute Gutter's career. sibility that is their due. by Harvard talent scouts. Sincerely, r ^ Frankly, we're sick of As much as I would hate to U.R. Selfish ^ this! Would you call this a see Gutter leave, I think that P.S. I am always available to liberal institution? Do you if his unique capabilities are pack your bags, President. Assorted hozos and no -minds uphold the rights of all in demand elsewhere, he Just call Ext. 2000.' S _____ : ______> people? All of you students Another letter somewhere else who criticize the exploitating Gag By-tw i nkle G regorian Nimrod Jodphe r Droo l yan Stu-A Fi lms Presents. . . Ed i tor Executive Editor Manag ing Editor

All Deranged Dezebra Painting Lola Thomthom Photography Ed i tor News Ed i tor News Ed i tor i • m$ Raggie Snail Lure of Hidden G reat Reefer \p 3 STA-K R/jTX rtG- ... ^ " w* T! gc vxe vJ Layout Ed i tor Arts Editor Sports Edito r &s*f r/V«. f ork r *es *

Deft Goa t pick Seeke r Oozln Toss-ette WTCti The MAbCAP' PZD fiwes/ruMs or A Sports Ed i tor Business Manager P roduction Manager LovASLF CHWP Mo. Hurts A(OW FROft ihe CucvS Jb B ECOm 9R£5lbeMT SMALL lza€*QL Aat* e THE Of 4 ¦ ¦¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ Eat-her Never Shitley Bent A. M. Gay Colleg e

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Typists: Cruel Bitch , Gin A'. Proof , Latrine Cutter , Mamie Get-out , Bare l y-in 0-no , Menage-a- trols Kl Her 6xa Co ttar Bo* 4*i tonY. . ' . A,*i OTZS AS AS ' ••• ' ' "' , \ ^ \ 4** Proofreaders: Kissa Loozy-a , Inthefu r Na rd , Lure of Hidden ¦ i Any Flack , BUtzbath Nose , Gender Drol l ' , SOMZ O lUlRf eHE K %t Ve*v6^ *j For all you shallo w suckers that never read this column U biqqest, best country on earth .S. by Buckleyis F. William ^" ^ ^^ any damn good to us once they dump Schmidt out of office Asia, of course , is a basket case. From Turkey to Tokyo- anyways. Besides, the U.S. has its own V.W. factory. who really needs it? However , its problems are not in- They say that international politics is a touchy affair. When we get a Mercedes one, then we'll dump the West on surmountable First , there 's the Middle East. Now is the They say it's volatile , changeable , intricate , myster ious the East and watch the fireworks from back home. Sound time to reaffirm our commitment to Israel and rid our- and confusing. They say the United States is too in- easy? Read on. selves of a pressing national problem , namely New York sensitive and inept at international rela tions and tha t it Next, there 's the Dark Continent- Africa.From Cairo to City. Jewish people like New York , right? And it's isn't sufficiently altering its isolationist attitude towards Capetown and Mauritania to Mada gasca r it's been dangerous as all hell, no? Well, ship it to Israel. They 'll the rest of the world. They say the future looks grim. nothing but jungles , deserts and headaches . What can you love it, the Palestinian refugees will feel right at home in do with that continent? 'Very little actually. First , cut off the South Bronx and the Guardian Angels will wipe out the P.L.O. Never thought of that did you? And the rest of the Arab world ? God, take their oil, (What' re they going to do?) and leave them to play Lawrence of Arabia amongst their own disgusting selves. In too many words India? Let it populate itself right off the map ! Why should we help a country so hptsy totsy with Russia? China? Get those cultura l revisionists to heave a couple of Oh really , say I. Says who? (And don't gimme this stink bombs over on the Russkies , and let those two slug it "they " stuff either. ) The fact is the United States is still out. It' s about time in th is author 's opinion. Then , when the number one powerhouse on the face of the earth both the loser of the spat is dead and splattere d, we go and nuke militarily and morall y . From its head position , this the weakened winners. Sound like fun? We missed our cue country should be able to dictate to the res t of mankind once, after World War II , according to Patton. Come on just what their laughable nations should do. If Americans America let' s not blow it again! We're talking suprema cy. would only take a pra gmatic view of how simplistic in- Once China and Russia are out of the picture , then the ternational politics are when one is right and has the U.S. had better turn its attention to those sneaky might , then we'd be all set. Japanese , specifically the ones in Japan. Who will be Luckily for you, this writer has decided to outline , in around to see that they don 't try and take over the world only one column , his absolutely foolproof primer on how to again? We will, that' s who . And they 'd better behave if take on the world and win. they don 't want to see another Hiroshima or Nagasaki ! On this earth , there -are seven continents ; and none of Southeast Asia will also have to come begging to us for them are more troublesome than Europe. It' s basic policy everything with the head pinkos gone. that you get the worst first. The British Isles , not really a How about the question of Australia , New Zealand , part of Europe , poses few problems to America. They Antartic and the South Pacific? Well , they 're unimportant need us, and they know it. Northern Ireland ? Who but the and better left unanswered. Irish would want it? Arrange for Britain to get back their But , Holy Honcheros , we for got South America ! No we pre cious Falklands on the condition they buzz out of didn 't. Remember Chile? Allende? ITT and the CIA? It' s North ern Ireland. simple . Produce coups in every country from Argentina Now the Continent is slightly more troublesome , mainly up to Arizona , and install ITT executive vice-presidents at because of France . France is good for pate de foie gras , the head of industrial juntas. That just leaves Cuba quenelles , tru ffles and Moet et Chandon , but little else. It Canada to worry about. Ho, ho. Just picture Castro breeds gallic socialism , galling communism and withou t Brezhn ev. We'll give him exactly five seconds to sickeningly pompous presidents who have considered it a surrender , or we'll nuk e him back to 1959. God-given right to badmouth the U.S. since day one. So, Then , of course , we'll blame everything on Canada , and dismantle Paris piece-by-piece , and use it to spruce up make them look like a bunch of Winnipeg warmongers. Detroit , Cleveland and St. Louis. Ship the worthwhile South Afr ica, and attach it to Flor ida. They may be The rest of the world doesn 't know what they're capable of edibles to the California farm lands and let what' s left in racis ts, but they've got diamonds , culture and indus try. besides looking like klutzes at the 1976 Olympics. France bicker themselves to death . Believe me, they will. As for the rest of Africa - sell the North African beaches to So there you have it. We win the world in a few weeks- The rest of Europe is inconsequential for anything hotel and resort developers ; exploit the hell out of the without Kissinger and without sacrificing much butter for except tourism-save Germany. Sprechen sie Deutsch? continent 's remaining na tura l resources so-fast they won't guns. God. I'm smart , and no liberal , mind you . Me, neither . Thus , we must rejoin East and West Ger- have time to chuck a spear ., and then let the Angolan Oh , we' ll leave theU.N. in New York throughout all this man y and dump the mess in Russia's lap along with Marxists , Libyan , space cadets , Ugandan thu gs and for good measure. The rest of the world will need some Poland. Ha , ha says this author. West Germany won't be Egyptian fundamentali sts fight it out over wha t' s left. sort of shoulder to cry on. 'Guys and balls ' review Ffefdhdu .se should op en 24 hrs reall y su cked , s tar says How many times have you woken on a Sunday morning In a liberal arte college, where students are encourage d to To the Editor : points , however. Compared with a strong urge to swim, lift weights, or play basket- pursue their more prominent interests , we find it difficult with Tarzan 's criticism of ball , only to find the fieldhouse doors bolted ? For many to understand why a physical education major is not of- Last week' s rev iew of me. How can he say my students at Colby, the lack of fieldhouse accessibil ity has fered for those who are interested in coaching as well as " Gays and Balls" by Phallic performance was " as ex- proven a continual dilemma. We would like to propose other aca demic pursuits. Needless to say, the physical Tarzan reall y sucked. As the citing as a wet dishrag ?" He extended fieldhouse hours . Keeping the fieldhouse open star of the play , I feel he did obviously doesn't real ize I've twent y-four hours a day would enable each student the education majors of today are the coaches of tomorrow. After all , would you like your future All American to be us an injus tice. Obviously , I been to act ing school in New opportunity to utilize facilities to the fullest. coached by an incompetent? have a personal interes t , but York , and I' ve played In addition to the inclusion of extended fieldhouse hours I don 't feel we danced like "a summers tock in . Con- and a physical education major , we feel that it would be in herd of dead elephants. " necticut. Someone with this Colby's best Interest to dro p out of NESCAC , and join a How could he say the kind of experience doesn't more prestigious athletic conference. This could easily be chorebgra phy was bad? have a deliver y "that makes Commentary achieved by adding teams such as UCLA , Michigan State , Where does he want us to Rodne y Dangerfield sound Indiana , Ohio State , DePaul , and Notre Dame to the dance? There 's only one like a speech thera pist. " schedules , Funding for such additions could be provid ed stage, you know. Tarzan should research his t At first glance , this may seem both costly and absurd. by transferring all future endowment s to the athletic As for Tarzan 's insistence facts more carefull y before But it is not. Man y students would be willing to serve as department . that Slave Worceste r's he criticizes. superv isory attendan ts , living in the fieldhouse. This directing was poor , what The point is, play reviews You may think these proposals are ridiculous . They are does he want - Francis don't belong in a college would solve the problems of overcrowded tennis , squash , not. They ar e sound , constructive ideas designed to allow Ford and racquetball courts too, Also, students will pursue Coppola? "Weak charac- paper like the Muckraker . Colby to achieve Its goal of becoming a Division terization All you do is criticize. Can intense endeavors at times when they normally would not One Power. " is not a fault of 't be afforded the opportunity , since the fieldhouse is closed. poor dire cting, It' s bad ac- you be nice for a change? With extended fieldhouse hours , double or triple training ting. Since the acting was Come on , give us a break - sessions would be possible , enablin g Colby to become the Sincerely, actually excellent , we can this isn't Broadway , you athletic powerhouse It has always dreamt of being, but « P.E. Whea tley and Hoops Pine assume that Tarzan doesn 't know. has mover become. know what the hell he's Another concern regarding Colby's athletic situation is talking about . Disappointedly , one that questions the lack of physical education major. P.S. LET'S MAKE IT HAPPEN ! 11 These were only minor DushP. Riprock .. .. - — " I I ^ ^

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