Alm Ost Rep Laces 'Hail, Colby, Hail '
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'Hell , Gu tte r ' alm os t rep laces 'Hail , Co lby, hail ' as schoo l cheer by Claus von Bulow coup against an institution out as Stab 'die Satan' professors who disagreed since Reagan's storming of Nicklemann was brought in with him. "That's when we Colby Chancellor Wilhelm the Capitol in 1981, and from his Montana hideout; began to worry a little," said Gutter 's already tenuous ultimately extend his Treasurer Brokemiser was Dean of Goodness Rejoyce hold over his campus was dominance over all of the replaced with Ironhardt, and McFetus. "I got a com plaint further weakened yesterday NESCACA. former Dean of Rodents from Dean of Admissions when it was revealed that he In fact , the preliminary Burly Schmidt was elevated General McArthur that he had been plotting a fascist motions were already well to Minister of der College. was having a hard time takeover of the school next under way when-the plot was finding only blond, blue-eyed Next, the files of Die preps to attend here." Then year. The plot was un- discovered . Beginning in Ancient Marriner were covered by two KDR's, who 1979, when the aging quietly burned along with she listed complaints from while trashing his office for a President von Striderburg back issues of the Alumnus. granolas and non- prank,. discovered the top announced his retirement, Then Pieter Kinky, conformists who were being secret files outlining the Herr Gutter curiously propaganda minister, began denied the opportunity to plan. jumped at the chance to lead an intense campaign to build leave Colby and made to live "Gott himmel," he replied Colby-a job no one else in in campus ghettos like the up the image of a blonde, Mary Loew annex. to the charges from his America had shown the blue-eyed, Izod master rubber room in Augusta. "I slightest interest in. "Combined with Security 's student. The trustees, led by beating of noisy kn-n-now nuthink." Once in office, a quiet, but Robert . 'Neville Cham- random But the files, now being deadly behind-the-scenes berlain' Anthony, swallowed students and Doc Lovi tz' stored somewhere in the purge was carried - out the propaganda hook, line, surgical experimentation on library where no one can among the administration in and sinker per usual. They pregnant women in Camp find them, revealed quite a the Euschstag. Dean Paul Garrisohed-Dachau, I were so enthused, in fact, '' Presiden t Gutter flees to the different story. Herr Gutter Dense-one was replaced by that they contributed decided to take action , she airport after a tough day of was to lead the most devious, St. Pauli Deranged; Vice- said. millions of marks into a Thus, McFetus ordered the plo tting and back^stabb i ng . merciless, efficient fascist Chancellor Pullin was edged Colby 2001 Kapital cam- paign. Down in Amerika, the KDR's to play the pranks in Parents First Kofnmittee, Gutter's office. "Boy am I ever glad theyof did ," she said.. Colby outvotes Harvard in Guide were slightly more '^The plans Herr Gutter It was much the same story with academics. Most of the suspicious of Gutters in- by EdwardJ. TskTsk arid his top Euzis were truly Ivies received from four to five stars "because they were tentions, but since Colby was shocking." First, Gutter had kinda good." Most of the smaller NESCACs received three on the other side of the planned to build his master Hot on the heels of the highly successful Yale Daily stars apiece "because they weren't as good." There were Kennebec River they failed Spews' Insiders' Guide to Colleges and New York Tymes student race to take over exceptions though. Bates and Bowdoin only got one star to percieve the threat. NESC ACIA and ship the non- Selective Guide to Colleges, the Colbie Echo's Ultra- each-a rating which elicited howls of disapproval from Gutter's plot grew more Selective Guide to Colleges has taken the academic world preps to redneck camps in both campuses. "If we only got one, how come Colby suspect though, when he northern Maine. Next, by storm..,and ruffled a few feathers in the process. didn't?" asked students at Bowdoin. "We're every bit as attempted to censor Radio "It stinks, it stinks, it just inky-stinky stinks," cried the good as Colby if not ten times better," said the Dean of Free MHB and Die Eckoand Cont. on pg. 1 President of Bates College T. * Headcheese Wheynoodles. Cont. on pg.6 began to deny tenure to " They were rea lly mean to us," said Bowdoin's president Z. Leroy Brown Greaseball. Both schools were somewhat dissatisfied with their ratings in the guide. Other schools, however , were quite pleased with the Guide's findings. "I Restor ing morality to cam pus is aim think we did just mega-awesome," said Colby's president Wilhelm Gutter. "I was really psyched that they were so objective ." of new honor syste m , president says The Echo 's Guide was an extremely selective one, reviewing only the Ivy League and NESCAC colleges. As A new honor code will be . Gutter admitted he was dice Shitshnger concurred, she added , closing her eyes the Guide stated in its preface, "We don't have a grudge inst itu ted next year in an looking forward to the policy "It'll certainly |ielp the noise and putting her fingers in her against any of the country 's other schools and don't care effort to "restore mora lity change. "Kids these days problem. Every time I go ears for effect. about them either." Besides writing its own "New to Colby ," accor ding to Pope are ail cheaters , liars , into the dormitories I have to Another provision of the Testament" descr iptions about the schools, the Guide (formerl y President ) dr inkers , and liberals," he block my ears with my new code calls for exams to rated schools in several categories including academics , Wilhelm Gutter. said. "It'll be nice to have hands, it's so loud.Even be proctored by armed qualit y of life, social life, location , quality of students and Gutter , whose new title is students who can think to that's not enoug h guar ds, who will "make quality of sports teams. one of the changes under the themselves for a chan ge." sometimes," she said. "Oo, cheaters p like flies," Most of the schools reviewed were unh ap dro py with the honor system , said tlie code Dean of Stude nts , Jaun- it just makes me shudder," on pg.9 number of stars they received in most categ ories. In the was aimed at "helping Cont . loca tion category, every school but four received only one students develop healthy , r star. - well-rounded values" as well "What else could we do?" said an anonymous as "kee ping those damn kids Mayflower Muckraker stories spokesman. "Most of the ' ' NESCACs are loca ted in remote in line." ' • ' - dumps like Lewiston , Amherst or Schenect ady, and the The new system will <_ • • , > Ivies are in hell-holes such as Itha ca, New Haven or "begin on the ground level," Hanover. " .Columbia received two stars for being in New said Morality Committee % Daisy'.Innocent flower or killer power ? York , and Harvard wrangle d three since it was across the Chairman James Jack- N ' ' ' ' ¦ ' ¦ river from Boston. Tufts got a negative star for being in mytire , "Next year , we're ; ; • . ;¦ „ Medford , Mass. "A black hole," said the Guide. Colby got going to admit only Tibetan v . p.2 ten for being in Waterville. "Hey, " said the spokesman, monks and Islamic vlrgins- "All the other guides preferred it to Brunswick -or you know , the ones with the Oil s art Lewiston. ¦ We figured we would take advan tage bf that %A look af ¦ ¦¦ ' , ¦ ¦ veils."Recruiting squads fact ;" ., ' , - <- :- ! y W.¦}: « ¦ have already been sent to In the category rating sports tea ms, the Guide was scour the Asian continent p. II rather severe. Almost every school got a one star rating and according to Jack- aga in, Only Yale received two, due apparently tp an above mytlro , if enough of these avera ge football team and crew. Colby only managed a can't be coerced into ¦Colby¦ buys the Red ¦ Sox¦ ¦ three here. "We felt that their teams at least tried har der enrollin g, a certain number • ,. ' »4 than the rest , even thou gh hone of them could even beat a ol deaf-mutes will be ac- , /;, ; :; . p. team of kinder garten All-Stars," said the spokesman. cepted. k_ : ; __. ; J Daisy go es mad, hundreds ki lled by Lome Greene down so to speak. "But since cept for Stu-J, he said. animal neglect could occur we had both been in various Tragically, Dlaisy's mental in Waterville. We must all It was the saddest case of committee meetings 'round condition has steadily pray for her salvation. In the Canada grabs island s neglect in modern history. the clock since September ," deteriorated since then, and meantime, you and I need Canada; recently encouraged by the audacity of the For over two years she said Shitslinger, "we never there have been numerous some real protections like Argies down in the Falklands, seized the tiny French roamed the campus noticed anything unusual reports of students losing Mutual of Omigod's dog fishing islands of St. Pierre and Miguelon in the Gulf solitarily, innocently, with other than ourselves." their hands when they went attack insurance." of St. Lawrence Sunday night. The islands, France's no one caring for her.