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Reub Rants about Desks!! NFL Week One p.. 3 Pg.. 7

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014 No. 18 - You're all MWs! WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE BOW TIES?

BOWTIES ROCK...... NO THEY DON''T BY MATT CURRIN BY BEN REIN This year has been a new beginning for Trinity; new Remember the days when we would fight as much as possible principal, new school wide incentive, free Chick-fil-A, and to be out of dress code and to be comfortable? At one point we a…WAIT, FREE CHICKFILA! Get in line foks, because yet were even winning, think about how we changed the rules to another opportunity to sell your soul to gain free chicken. All allow casual days, but where have those casual days gone? We you have to do is wear a bowtie. Wait, that’s it? All you have to have not heard anything about casual days this year. Instead the do is slightly increase the preppiness of your wardrobe for day that used to be casual day (Tuesday) has turned into bow tie endless amounts of free chicken! Seriously, this might be the Tuesday. So rather than wearing comfortable clothes you can easiest thing that I’ve ever done in my life for free Chick-fil-A, instead wear uncomfortable ties and dress shirts. All this is just and I have done a lot of stuff of to get free Chick-fil-A. Now for fried chicken. normally I could just say it’s awesome, but that would make Now I am clearly against bow tie Tuesday and I have given a me the first student in Journalism history to get below an A. very brief partial explanation of why. Let me break down the So here’s a few reasons. First, we live in the South. This means other side's arguments first. Those in favor of bow tie Tuesday probably all of you own a bowtie. If you don’t, go to Mr. will say that they are doing it because it is the easiest way to get Adams' office and borrow one of his. Seriously, the dude owns free chicken. I would agree with this. It is an easy way to get like 40 bowties, and he keeps half of them in his office, and is chicken. In fact it may even be the easiest way to get chicken. more than happy to loan you a couple. Second, if you’re really The question, however, is just because something is easy does lazy, you can just take off your bowtie after lunch, because that make it right? Now I will give you some examples. They will you’ll have already eaten your FREE CHICK-FIL-A. This brings be the extreme end of the scale, I understand this, but they are me to my third and final point, FREE CHICK-FIL-A. I’m not just to illustrate my point. Let’s say that you are in need of quite sure you have quite wrapped your head around this yet, money, what are some easy ways to get money? Steal, sell your so I’ll say it again. FREEEEEE CHIIIIICK- (cont. on page 3) organs on the black market, prostitute yourself (cont. on page 4)

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A TYPICAL DAY “Why did I ever decide to take Honors thoughts into words. For example, this BY: KRISTI DEMSKI Physics…I wonder if colleges really care if I whole paper. Where was I? Oh yeah Pre- I’m guessing that when normal people pass physics.” As I ponder those, and Calc. Crammed into those tiny desks, I wake up, their first thought is something other mind boggling questions, I usually just keep telling myself I’m gonna stretch like, “I’m tired” or “Why did I stay up so end up paying for it…by a lockerslap in the when I get home so one day I can be late watching Netflix” and not something face courtesy of Joanna who has just told comfortable in them. And lastly Art. Now like “I wonder what my life would be like if me to watch my head. You’d think that Art would be an amazing last class, except Michael Scott was my teacher” or “Wait after I had acquired a couple bumps on my I am so lost. Ms. Gillon thought I was such why don’t blue and black match.” I’d like to head I would learn to stop, drop, and roll an exceptional artist I skipped both say that those random thoughts end when when attempting to get away from the Introduction to Art and Art I and I’ve been I get to school. I’d like to say it. But, hectic locker situation. But no because I'm moved to Advance Art and apparently it’s usually, when I walk into class, my first constantly asking myself those hard frowned upon if, as an Advanced Artist, thought is, wait, wait, wait, when did you hitting questions during the time I need you can’t, oh, I don’t know, draw a straight tell us that we’d have a quiz today? Oh my to concentrate on not getting hit. line? gosh, did I put my phone on silent? While in History, I always think Ms. The day doesn’t end there though, the (because I don’t want it to go off in my Zook can read my mind, because she is second I walk in the door, neefa asks me locker... duh). Wait wasn’t I supposed to constantly telling us to stop talking but some equally hard hitting questions like get something signed? Did I forget to the only talking I can hear is the talking in “How was your day” even though she bring my snack? Oh wait, I’m still taking a my head…oh now that I think about it I knows my answer will always be, "it was quiz. Wait, did I forget to order lunch? I might be talking out loud too…anyways by school". She also asks “How’d your test wonder if I would need lunch if I was a Latin I am in deep distress. I can’t even go?” and when even I didn't know I had unicorn? That would be pretty cool! Oh understand my own thoughts much less one. After I binge watch a season of The wait, what am I still doing here, the bell try to understand them in Latin. And then Office and eat everything in sight, I start just rang. My irrelevant thoughts are no I get to journalism, and in the midst of my homework at 11:30. That seems to better at the lockers. I constantly ask riveting NFL Fantasy Football league news work well. Then I sit in bed, wide awake, myself, “Wait why did Joanna and Anna I come here to write stories that no one listening to the voices in my head until I get middle lockers over me and Emily” or reads but I can never really put my fall asleep. All in all, it's a pretty great day. MEET (SOME OF) THE NEW TEACHERS BY KRISTI DEMSKI AND DANA DZIADUL Mrs.. Gray Mr.. Raniierii Mr. Ranieri changed his major six times Mrs. Gray was a high ropes instructer Mr. Ranieri beat Russell Wilson in a home Mrs. Gray lived in Indonesia run derby Mrs. Gray has hiked two volcanos Mr. Ranieri has written with Chris Freeman (leader of Camp Trinity) Mr.. Stallker Mr.. Brazealle Mr. Stalker met his wife in college Mr. Breazeale’s wife is a Trinity alumni Mr. Stalker is a half marathon runner Mr. Breazeale has been to eight weddings Mr. Stalker has read over 1,000 books of Trinity alumni Mr. Breazeale has his pilot license

Mrs.. Goggiins Mr.. Adams Mrs. Goggins ziplined in Jamaica Mr. Adams has been backstage at Gavin DeGraw Mrs. Googins wrote a thesis and Jason Maraz concerts Mrs. Goggins was a math instructor at Mr. Adams has been to France, Austria, Spain, NC State and Germany

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REUB RANTS:: TINY DESKS geometry. Hah, those were fun, right? this time at school, and using high school Anyway, we should leave writing for BY: REUBAN RIEDELL girls’ experiences to help them get writing desks, and mathematics for through this. Junior Abrie Zorzi is one of I’m going to be honest here: tiny desks anything (hopefully) larger than a square the leaders of Girl Talk, who is also one of stink. Like, radioactively bad. I mean, how foot. the founders of it at TAR. She says,” Some are we supposed to open half of a binder They also only open from one side. of the topics that we discuss at Girl Talk on these pebble slabs? Since I am probably Coming into the room and realizing you meetings are relationships, friendships, the most ridiculous(ly awesome) person have to walk to the opposite side of every and situations at school.” Abrie also you have met or ever will meet, quite a desk in order to get in your seat is a explains how Girl Talk meetings can be few of you know that I tug my locker slightmare (slightly a nightmare). Since really fun with,” snacks, games, and ice around with me inside of my backpack. these desks are made of 100% pure trap breakers to help the girls get to know each Like seriously, I only stop by my locker to metal, they also make wonderful snares other,” There are some beneficial parts of grab my lunch. Along with being a human for the victims that are our students. I’ve the meetings as well that girls can use as cargo carrier, I also possess a binder that had situations in which I’ve been trapped they go through middle school and high holds all of my subjects in one collective on the floor by the closed side of the desk school too. “We help girls by acting out place. So if you think that these “desks” – yeah, that’s funny. As my consciousness social situations that can happen in real which are undoubtedly prototyped for fades under the immense weight of my life and how to deal with them,” says oompaloompas are small for you, then boulder-desk, I remember what Admiral Abrie. One of the goals this year that the think about how I feel. Ackbar said on that fateful day. I should Girl Talk leaders are trying to achieve is Here are a few reasons why tiny desks never have sat down in that dreadful desk. that hopefully, if enough money is raised, are a PAIN *cough* Mrs. Karazin *cough*. Finally, they're louder and more fierce they can take the girls who come pretty Writing desks for mathematics? I don’t than the wrath of a thousand suns. Since consistently to the Girl Talk meetings to know, maybe it’s because it’s the Trinity these stilted surfaces are so unnecessarily an amusement park, like Carowinds, to do Difference. Speaking of which, the Trinity sturdy, squeaking is a daily occurrence. It fun activities. So if you are a 6th, 7th, or Difference is about as good an answer for is too often that I unintentionally 8th grade girl, you can come to the everything at this school as is “Jesus” for interrupt the class by shifting a millimeter meetings on Wednesdays from 3:15 – 4:15 elementary Bible study. When someone in my seat and squeaking my immediate PM, and if you have any questions you can needs to have out a binder, several vicinity to kingdom come. If some insane ask Abrie or Mrs. Houchin. Girl Talk is handouts, a calculator, pencils (plural, company is going to develop an inane desk such a great experience for middle school because you lose 2-3 each class when they such as this, they should provide girls that can help break down barriers roll off), and a shred of enthusiasm, it can complimentary mufflers. I suppose that and make friends while making memories get kind of hard to fit all of that in one I’ll just have to bring in a pair of ear- along the way. space. I have fewer hairs on my head than protectors every time I enter the room. the amount of times I have accidentally Better yet, we should simply remove the BOWTIES ROCK... launched my $120 TI Nspire CX onto the BOWTIES ROCK... part of the desk that is making such a BY: MATT CURRIN floor – and no, I am not balding. The only ruckus. Wait, wait, wait… that would (Continued from front page) time we have used these writing desks for require dismantling the entire thing FIIILLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAAUUUHH. their true purpose is for proofs in completely. Oh, that’s right; I’m perfectly CHICK-FIL-A. For free. I can’t really think fine with that. of a better way to put it. I mean, who doesn’t want free Chick-fli-A, for simply GIRL TALK AT TRINITY wearing a stupid bowtie? Beyond that, let BY: DANA DZIADUL me elaborate on the Chick-fill-A provided. Middle school is very well known for Three trays with mountains of chicken being a developmentally difficult time, strips, and endless buckets of every sauce especially between middle school girls. you can imagine. And if the chicken you Girl Talk is a program specifically designed take and eat isn’t satisfactory, you can go to help the middle school girls navigate back for seconds. And thirds. And fourths.

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And ninths. As long as you don’t share walk the puppy through the trick and are going to have to face, a terrible your chicken, you will have an unlimited every time he does the trick you give him economy, and high taxes. If you don’t supply of chicken at your disposal. What a treat until, eventually, his brain know what I am talking about look it up. else could you want? Did I mention it’s unknowingly associates the trick with a So, in conclusion, just because something free? This is one of the best things to ever reward so the dog does the trick on is easy doesn’t mean you have to sell happen to Trinity, and if you don’t agree, command, with or without treats. The yourself for it, don’t be brainwashed by then you’re an arrogant fool blinded by bowtie wearers are being taught the trick conditioning and don’t screw over the your senseless hatred of delicious chicken of wearing bowties. They are told to wear generations that will come after us. and/or general southerner preppiness. So bowties and if they do they will be get your mind out of your ridiculous rewarded with yummy Chick-fil-A. BACK TO SCHOOL JOKES fantasy, and into one of three piles of This system can easily be extended as BY: AUSTIN BLACKWELL chicken. well. The requirement could change from having to wear a bowtie that day to 1. Q: What makes a Cyclops such an ...... NO THEY DON''T receive chick-fil-a to having to wear a effective teacher? BY: BEN REIN bowtie for two days and then three and A: He has only one pupil. (Continued from front page) sell then four, and so on. The question, then, drugs, sit on your couch and collect is not if the students will become 2. Q: What’s the king of all school welfare that was taken from other people’s conditioned to wearing bowties, but how supplies? hard work. In all of these scenarios it's long will it take their brains to associate A: The ruler. very easy to make money, in fact, in some wearing bowties with being rewarded. If of the cases, you don’t have to do any you are a bowtie wearer and you think 3. Q: Why was the teacher wearing work to earn money, but just because it that it’s not possible for you to be trained sunglasses to school? was easy does not make it right. That like a dog, go and watch and watch and A: She had bright students! would be what I would tell the bowtie episode of The Office, called "Phyllis’ wearers first, just because something is wedding" and you will see my point 4. Teacher: Daniel, I’ve had to send you to easy doesn’t mean you should do it. My illustrated. the principal every day this week. What do next point is that the bowtie wearers are Finally, it is no secret what Dr. you have to say for yourself? being conditioned, just like dogs. When Littlejohn wants the dress code to look Daniel: I’m glad it’s Friday! you have a puppy and you want to teach like. He has long favored the British that puppy a trick what do you do? You boarding school look of a blazer and tie. If 5. Teacher: Tommy, can you tell us where enough bowtie wearers are conditioned to the Declaration of Independence was be fine with the prospect of having to signed? wear a bowtie, then they could easily Tommy: Yes, ma’am. At the bottom. expand the system of conditioning to include a dress code of blazers and ties 6. Teacher: Why did you eat your every day. I understand that Chick-fil-A is homework, Joe? fantastic and I love it too, but you have to Joe: Because I don’t have a dog. think about the future and the generations to come after us. The possible 7. Mother: Does your teacher like you? changes in dress code as a result of the Son: Like me, she loves me! Look at all bowtie wearers will not affect us, the those X's on my test paper! current students of Trinity (except maybe the middle schoolers), but just because 8. Q: Why did the clock go to the something does not affect us doesn’t principal's office? mean we should do it. My generation A: For tocking too much! should be especially aware of this, we have been screwed over by the baby boomers and social security. Now look at what we w 4 x S P O R T S VARSITY SOCCER certain to be incredibly helpful to the would be taking a risk. There had been BY: JOSEPH DELGROSSO tigers and his ability to effect the both, in much concern about Manziel for his off General Overview: As the school year and out of possession, will be important the field activities. Not only does it look begins another Varsity Men’s soccer to maintain balance in the team. Junior bad for the athlete who is caught, out late season is upon us. The new season brings defender/midfielder Josh Clark has the partying and obviously intoxicated but it an incredible amount of excitement as this ability to take control of a game with his also looks bad for the organization who year’s Tigers are perhaps the most speed, skill, and desire. His ability to lead took a chance on this athlete. As talented team Trinity has seen since our with his relentless effort and unyielding businessinsider.com puts it “While state championship victory in 2007. Some demeanor can really change the Johnny Football appears to party about as may mistake this writer’s optimism for momentum of a game. much as your average frat boy, NFL teams insanity after a preseason in which the Prediction: Trinity’s creative midfield apparently aren't buying the 'he's just a Tigers won only two games of . and core of experience players will lead college kid' excuse.” There is no place for However, it is important to remember the Tigers to an incredibly successful off the field activities like the ones that of those seven games, only four of season. They should win the conference Manziel is taking part in if you want to be them were against 1A opposition and the regular season and tournament. Barring an elite quarterback. He is simply to Tigers lost only one of these games serious injuries to key players, expect the immature to take on the role of a starting against Hickory Christian who made last Tigers to win the State Championship. quarterback in the NFL. year’s state championship game. This The most recent story Johnny Manziel year’s conference schedule shouldn’t be JOHNNY FOOTBALL has stared in is his “lapse of judgment” in too much of a problem for the team this BY: HUNTER DOTSON the game against the Redskins where he year as the conference has been severely The talk continues about one of the claims to be taunted all game. This is what weakened following the departure of best-known NFL rookies of all time. Is happened according to USAtoday.com Grace of Sanford for 2A. There does not Johnny Manziel going to get drafted in “After throwing an incomplete pass near appear to be any other major challenge for the first round? What will he get on the the Washington sideline late in the third Trinity in the conference but they still do news for next? Is he going to be a starter? quarter, Manziel raised a middle finger as have a couple big out of conference games Is his lifestyle going to get in the way of he jogged back to the Cleveland huddle. that could have a major impact on seeding his football career? Can you relay on The gesture was clearly captured by for the state tournament. Assuming a Johnny Manziel? These are some ESPN’s cameras.” This “lapse of judgment” successful conference schedule, good examples of the bigger issues surrounding will cost Manziel $12,000. Everyone gets results against Grace of Sanford, Kerr this young quarter back. The often taunted in the game of football, there is Vance, and Trinity of Durham could see referred to as cocky, arrogant, reckless no excuse for this gesture. You must be the Tigers in the first or second seed in rookie was drafted 22nd overall in the able to let things like that roll off you back the State tournament. 2014 NFL draft to the Cleveland Browns. and get back to playing your own game Players to Watch: Junior midfielder Anyone who drafted Manziel knew they without reacting in a poor manner. Joseph Delgrosso’s smooth touches and undeniable playmaking ability will be key if the Tigers are to succeed this season. Joseph looks ready for his best season yet after being made the main captain of the team. Senior Goalkeeper Austin Blackwell seems to be improving every game after putting in what was likely the best performance of his in the 1-0 defeat to Cary Academy. If he continues to improve opposing teams will have an incredibly difficult time scoring on the Tigers. Senior midfielder Ben Rein’s work rate and ability to both defend and attack effectively are w 5 x S P O R T S

The fact of the matter is that a starting Paul George suffered a gruesome leg current Team USA FIBA competitions quarterback is supposed to be a leader on injury which will most likely result in because it may be the last you see of such and off the field and someone who other George missing the entire NBA season. a caliber of basketball from Team USA. players can look to for advice. Naturally, the question that must be asked Unfortunately Manziel has shown that he is is it worth it? Is representing your NFL FRONT OFFICE is clearly not ready to take on this role yet. country over a couple months really worth BY: PAUL JUNEAU However, there may still be hope for this it risking injury such as Paul George’s? In the past couple of years the NFL has young talent to develop. He will have to do The injury to Paul George has caused may shown that they are totally incompetent a lot of growing up and demonstrate that NBA teams and players to ask these and that they desperately need reform. football comes before his social life and questions. For those of you who love to With the numerous cases that have come the parties he attends. As of right now if I watch these stacked Team USA annihilate forward over the past couple of years, the were a NFL head coach I would make foreign opponents that time may be NFL has shown that numerous changes Manziel sit on the bench and take notes coming to a close. It wasn't until the need to be made and that some people from a experienced leader until Manziel summer Olympics of 1992 when need to be fired. The largest problem with shows signs of being ready to take on the international basketball allowed for the NFL as of late has been their domestic large role of starting quarterback. professional basketball players to even abuse policy. This policy states that if a participate. Before the Dream Team and player is charged with domestic abuse TEAM USA BASKETBALL all the other stacked USA teams, Team then the player will be suspended for six BY: DAVID MORGAN USA was led by college players and other games. If there is a second offense then For over 30 years the United States has amateurs. the player will be banned for life. Not even dominated the FIBA/Olympic basketball While it is unlikely, what may end up 72 hours after this new policy was put in circuit. The reason for this is extremely happening is international basketball place, an NFL player named Ray simple; most NBA players are Americans. reverting back to the days of amateur ball. McDonald was arrested for domestic Therefore, every year Team USA has Whether it is your favorite college violence, after cops found his pregnant nearly every NBA Allstar at its disposal. basketball players or your favorite NBA fiance with bruises on her neck and arms. Over the years Team USA has had players players you’ll be watching representing After he proclaimed his innocence he from Jordan, Magic, Kobe, and Lebron USA, time will only tell. As the 2016 played the next Sunday. So what playing on their squads. However, many summer Olympics in Rio looms closer happened to the new rule?! The same are wondering if this could all change. In NBA players will have to make the choice thing happened to Ray Rice except a the beginning of August during a USA between nationalism or safety. Until that different result. Instead of letting him practice scrimmage, Indiana Pacers allstar time comes I would advise enjoying the play like McDonald, he was slapped with a mediocre two game ban. The NFL needs to come up with some kind of consistency with this new rule or players could just claim their innocence and not get suspended. Another problem that has come up recently is the tape of Ray Rice hitting his fiance. A website called TMZ got the tape for the NFL and the NFL claims that they didn’t see the video until this week. This begs the question how can the most powerful sports organization in America not get the video but a website like TMZ can. Law enforcement also claimed that they sent the video of Rice to the NFL front office months ago. So, either the NFL is lying, or they don’t check their w 6 x S P O R T S email. Also, in a recent interview, Roger towards players. It seems that the off the Buccaneers without their starting Goodell said that the NFL only gets their punishments players get are either way too quarterback Cam Newton, the Eagles were information from reliable laws harsh or way too lenient. Either Roger Goodell able to come back from 17-0 down to end up enforcement. But, what about incidents needs to change himself mentally, or he just winning 34-17, and Peyton Manning was like the Saints bounty case or when the needs to resign because the most powerful able to compete against his young rival Patriots got caught looking at the other sports organization in America can't function Andrew Luck in a game that came down to teams playbook? I’m sure that they got with an incompetent head. the fourth quarter. Also, to add to the their evidence from those cases from entertainment of the opening weekend of “reliable law enforcement.” Its almost NFL WEEK ONE football, were two overtime games. The obvious that they got the tape before TMZ BY: JOSEPH DELGROSSO Buffalo Bills shocked the Chicago Bears 23- and that they are lying about it. The NFL The NFL season has officially kicked off and, 20, defeating a team who many thought had is one of the most powerful organizations as usual, it has not let us down. The season a good chance in taking their division this in America so its almost impossible that started off September 4th with a game season (once again hard to say coming from they didn’t see the tape before last week. between the defending Super Bowl champs, the a Packers fan). The other overtime game was The main point of this is that the NFL Seattle Seahawks, and the NFC North the Atlanta Falcons vs the New Orleans is pretty screwed up. This new case of champions, the Green Bay Packers. Because I Saints. The Falcons stopped the high- domestic abuse has really asked some am a Packers fan, I would love to be biased in powered Saints offense eventually as they questions about how competent writing this and say that we dominated, but took the 37-34 victory. A great win after Commissioner Roger Goodell is and what the Seahawks had a different plan for this coming off a season that was much less than needs to happen to the NFL. Personally, I article. The Seahawks started off their season par. With it just being the first week there is think that Roger Goodell needs to be with a convincing 36-16 victory over Green still plenty more action to look forward to in fired. Through this recent controversy and Bay. We can’t just focus on the opening game the long NFL season. Lookout for a possible through past cases, I think that Goodell however. There were many more entertaining Broncos vs Seahawks Super Bowl repeat has shown that he is ridiculously games to be played this past weekend as well. again come February. Until then, enjoy this inconsistent with his punishments The hometown Panthers were able to hold wonderful season of football.

w 7 x E N T E R T A I N M E N T THIS MOVIE EXISTS BY: JORDAN PUTHENVEETIL I’m going to tell you a story. It begins with Steve and Carol. They are the perfect couple. Steve and Carol are happy and attractive people with great jobs. It seems that nothing could go wrong for these two. But when Carol gets pregnant, Steve’s dark secret is revealed. His entire family is midgets. Now Steve is not a midget, but everyone else in his family is. Steve has been able to keep this secret from Carol for a long time. Now that Carol is pregnant, the probability is that her baby will also be a midget. This leads to Gary Oldman plays a midget, Steve’s twin call it a “game,” this majestic website is the the central conflict of the story: “Will brother. And Peter Dinklage is in it, because, source of all bit-cookies. You start off Carol keep the baby even though she of course he is. You haven’t even heard the with a big cookie that you click on to get knows it will be a midget?” Now this isn’t best part. The movie ends with Carol more cookies. All of this pixelated a side story or an irrelevant question, this accepting the idea of midgets and deciding to goodness comes from just a few clicks, is the plot of the whole story. Now what if keep her baby, because, of course she does. because you can purchase items such as some studio took that story and made it What kind of horrible person would give up a spare cursors that can click for you. How into a movie? Assume that the movie baby just because it was a midget? The do you obtain the currency to purchase would be a completely serious flick. So you answer that question is... Steve. Yah, Steve such a thing? With cookies of course! are meant to watch this non-comedy changes sides. Steve wants to give up his After you fill your screen with the dwarf themed movie with a straight face. midget baby even though everyone in his enslaved cursors, you can then move on to Now remember that the central conflict of family is a midget. using grandmas. Everyone knows that all this story is, “should a pregnant woman When you watch this movie, some of you grandmas bake cookies, so why not create go through with her pregnancy knowing may turn it off the moment Steve punches a a conglomeration of elders for your that the baby might be tiny (but, like, hole in the delivery room after he learns his delicious purposes? Speaking of longer than babies are supposed to be baby will be a dwarf. Others may ditch the grandmas, never sell one EVER. Treasure tiny).” Would you greenlight this movie? movie as soon as they realize they are your grand-slaves forever. Moving on So here’s the thing, you kind of already watching a movie about midgets, called from that, the next thing you can make did. Well you didn’t greenlight it. Tiptoes. I…watched the whole movie. I’m use of are cookie farms. Yes, I did just say Someone like you heard this pitch and pretty sure that I die if I don’t finish every that. Ever tried to plant a chocolate chip said, “yes.” movie that I start. Some of you may be in your soil and have it grow up to be a In 2003 we got Tiptoes. The story that I thinking that there could be something cookie-cabbage? I haven’t either, because just told you is actually a movie. Now creative about this movie. Maybe the acting it’s just a “game.” When you are done there was nothing wrong with the movie and writing is great and it’s all done polluting the earth with chocolate, you business in 2003. In that same year we got tastefully. L.A. Times described it as, can move on to factories to print cookies the Lost in Translation and Finding “a…movie.” Yah the movie blows. There’s not at an even higher rate. Remember, kids: Nemo. This isn’t some direct to DVD much more to it. It’s just a sucky movie. You never print cookies at home, movie either. Tiptoes was a legitimate should all go see it. counterfeited cookies taste awful. The feature film. Now, before you go look up very next step is to mine the cookie dough this movie on IMDB, there are a few other COOKIE CLICKER and chocolate out of the earth. What details that you may want to know about BY: REUBAN RIEDELL happens when we’re done hollowing out it. Matthew McConaughey and Kate Ever heard of the addictive masterpiece the ground? That’s right, go to space! Beckinsale play Steve and Carol. Also, Cookie Clicker? Although it is charitable to Purchase a load of cookie cargo carriers to

w 8 x E N T E R T A I N M E N T explore the galaxy and bring back more less entertainment, then Cookie Clicker is when it was released.One of my personal chocolate. You may ask: “How many other the game for you. favorite songs on the “Everybody ways are there to expand my sugary Knows You Cried Last Night” brings back empire?” Well, why not whip out an Costellllo Reviiew swing to the modern radio. With a catchy alchemy laboratory and turn all that BY: AUSTIN BLACKWELL repeatable chorus and awesome guitar solo useless gold we have in storage into Ask any alternative rock lover to name it’s hard not to love this song as you hum it cookies! I bet your answer would be: their top 5 bands and are to yourself throughout the day. Finally “Great! Now I can get rid of all this sure to pop up during the conversation. Costello Music ends with the refreshing underwhelming jewelry!” Now, when With all of their albums consistently single “Ole Black n’ Blue Eyes”, a complete you’re done looting your friend’s jewelry winning awards and their band touring all change in attitude from the rest of the box, you can open up a portal to the over the world it is hard to believe where album. This song is a slow paced, acoustic, cookieverse (you know, cookie + universe). The Fratelli's came from. “Costello Music”, love song about The Fratellis chasing a Can you guess what said portal will be an album that created the standard for a beautiful woman with blue eyes and their made out of? Ahh, who am I kidding; this great alternative rock album and showed adventure while doing so. This song is a game is about cookies—of course it would how to bring old school to modern radio. refreshing change in pace and ends the be made out of that doughy deliciousness! First song up is “Henrietta”, a single album perfectly along with it. Let’s see... what’s next? Oh, yeah, go from the album charting #19 about how “Costello Music” was a phenomenon at ahead and invent a time machine. You’ll guys don’t always go for the “party girl” the time and still holds it’s value today as a be able to travel into the past to steal but sometimes just want to settle with a symbol of rock and roll in the modern world. cookies for the future; that totally won’t family and girl they truly love. The single If you don’t like alterative rock or have never affect the “bake-time” continuum. When uses instruments from tubas to trumpets tried it go ahead and give “Costello Music” a you’re done taking away the cookie you to get that party attitude through that listen. ate about a half hour ago, you can utilize The Fratellis are known for. “Flathead”, an antimatter condenser. This nifty the second single on the album, was an PAPERWORK REVIEW invention can transform the antiparticles enormous reason “Costello Music” was so BY: JOHN HINTON that would normally collide with regular successful. Charted #1 on the U.S singles The King of the South is back with particles and create gamma rays (hooray!) billboard and used in advertisements another knockout album. “Paperwork: The into beautifully baked bountiful buckets ranging from Apple to Shaun the Sheep; Motion Picture” is dropping in late October. of cookies. When you are finished with “Flathead” brought The Fratellis to the For those who do not know, T.I is a southern your highly scientific—not to mention American audience. Now we get on to the rapper from Atlanta, known for amazing extremely legit—way of mass-producing good stuff, “”, a song used lyricism and his style of music about “hood” cookies, then it’s finally time to make use for sports celebrations all over the world life known as “trap music.” Essentially, the of prisms. That’s right, we’ll be turning because of its intensity and pumped up album is cut up into three parts. T.I, also light itself into cookies. Not many people attitude. Using intense drums solos, known as TIP Harris, spoke about the set-up know this, but Newton had a secret. He heavily distorted guitars and a memorable of the records for the upcoming album in an never told a soul that when he was group-yelling chorus it was an instant hit interview on New York radio station, Hot 97. investigating with light and color, the experiments yielded high-quality cookies as a byproduct. He only did he “bake” history, but he actually had a secret occupation dedicated to the research for the perfect cookie. Well, maybe that’s not all true, but I certainly wished that this game made real cookies. For every 30 trillion bit-cookies that I have in this game, I’d have...2 real cookies. I suppose that it was fun while it lasted, so if you are interested in any kind of mindless, skill- w 9 x E N T E R T A I N M E N T

Mr. Harris explains, "I have narrowed most lyricist after the first couple of how chilled out and mellow Sublime’s those 250 down to the best 25,", he goes albums tend to decrease in the music songs can be. With influences of Jamaican one, "5 extras are for international quality that got them famous in the first Reggae and punk rock, the music of releases [and additional releases]...I want place; but I personally think that Mr. Sublime help to establish the west coasts’ to narrow that 25 down to 20. Of that 20, Harris has kept up his musical velocity, now famous surf rock and ska. Give this I want to take six records at the top, six and that “Paperwork” is going to live up to band a listen and I promise you they will records in the middle, six records at the its expectations. Look for T.I’s next not let you down. end, with two records as intermissions to masterpiece around October 26th. 3. Dream Theater - “The Enemy Inside” the three. And I would like to shoot a | This song is living proof that you just movie that consists of three short stories, WHAT WE''RE LISTENING can’t kill the metal, the metal will live on. and the three short stories will connect TO “The Enemy Inside” is driven by a these...records."studio album that debuted BY: JACK FARKAS AND ZACH powerful drumbeat with classic thrash at number on the Billboard 200. But after RENNIE metal and has some wicked foot pedal some consideration, T.I said that this 1. Pacific Dub – “Dreaming” | Pacific work. The guitar, played by none other album deserves to stand all on its own as Dub is the epitome of lame surf music, than John Petrucci, is also fantastic. genuine. The album has been mostly and we don’t really care, because Dream Theater is one of the leading forces produced by Columbia Records label mate “Dreaming” is a sweet song. The guitar in the ever-going battle to keep metal Pharrell Williams; yes, the guy who made drives this song in a fairly subtle manner, alive. Keep in mind, this band is over 20 the song “Happy” has been the co-partner at least until the emotional vocals kick in. years old and they’re still making albums on this “Soulful” project. Upon listening to the actual lyrics, you'll in 2014. Rock on, Dream Theater. Hit singles such as “About The Money”, will react in one of two ways; turn into a 4. Led Zeppelin – “Heartbreaker/ Living “No Mediocre”, “Stay”, and “Turn it” will hippie or be suddenly upset at the hippie Loving Maid (She’s Just a Woman)” | Led be featured on the upcoming album as lyrics in an otherwise groovy tune. Zeppelin is often hailed as one of the well. T.I has put so much work into the 2. Sublime – “DJ’s” | This reggae-punk greatest bands to ever exist, and we agree. album’s story structure, the lyricism, and jam is a powerfully somber song that People often ask me why Zepp is the catchy melodies, that the king quietly relays the reality of loneliness, considered such, and I point them towards proclaims that “Paperwork” will be as mixed with lead singer Brad Nowell’s this song. Divided into two technically critically acclaimed as “The The album was adoration of reggae music, creating a different songs but almost always played actually planned to be the sequel to “Paper really interesting combination of lyricism. together (a la ‘We Will Rock You/We Are Trail,” TIP’s sixth solo Blueprint” by Jay Z, We will warn you however, this song's a The Champions’), “Heartbreaker/ Living or “Aquemini” by Outkast. In my opinion, bit weird but it is a fantastic example of Loving Maid (She’s Just a Woman)” is

w 10 x E N T E R T A I N M E N T pretty lengthy, which is welcomed by most listeners. It summarizes the unique sound of Zepp while still allowing room for the listener to explore their works without getting bored. Unfortunately, we can’t fill this list with Led Zeppelin’s complete setlist, but we do encourage you to listen to more Zepp for yourself. 5. - “Worldwide Choppers”| The fastest rapping song of all time, “Worldwide Choppers” is the coolest song you will hear. Ever. If you aren’t impressed there is something wrong with you. Featuring artists from all around the world, this song has one verse all in Turkish and one verse all in Dutch. Most notable is performance which is fantastic, complete with wicked fast lyrics and stuttering. There are over 2000 words packed in this five minute song. I’m forced to tell you to listen to the nerd history is, “If you could have ONE think people say nice things about you clean version though, the regular version superpower, what would it be?” This is when you’re not around? I sure don’t. If has 2 or 3 expletives thrown in there if different than asking, “What superhero you were invisible and standing near your you listen carefully. would you be? That question is a cheat, group of friends, chances are that your and its kind of dumb because it has a self-esteem is going to plummet. The WHY NO SUPER POWER IS “correct answer,” Superman. Its obvious same goes for reading minds. If you think REALLY SUPER because he has the most powers. I think that people say gross things to your face, BY: JORDAN PUTHENVEETIL the rule for Superman is that the only you have to imagine what goes through There is sort of an unspoken oath things he can’t do are things he hasn’t their minds is way worse. Super strength amongst the nerd culture: Keep reality at tried yet. just means that you are the guy that the door. Almost everything that nerds So going off the basis that you can only people will always call to help move stuff. like can be completely ruined with any have one power, having powers would be Also, any time you get in a fight, you hint of realism. It would be disgraceful, or really depressing. The thing is, most almost guaranteed to commit murder. even blasphemous for me to betray my superheroes have more than one power. Being able to become super small like Ant- nerd comrades and try to rationalize the The Flash for instance, has an incredible Man or transporting yourself like things we love…so don’t tell anyone that immune system to back up his speed. If he Nightcrawler, means that your going to be I’m about to do it. Now that I’ve admitted just had super speed, he would be doing everything in the nude because your my sin, I can really get into this. So what malnourished by the time he went around close won’t travel with you. Being a super aspect of nerd culture will I ruin? I could the block. Having any one big superpower genius means almost certain insanity. talk about Doctor Who, and how The is worthless unless you have the other Super healing means you are 100 percent Doctor can fix any issue by making smaller powers to act as safeties. Flying likely to eventually become a vegetable. something up about science. Or I could would be horrible. Going off comic book These are just some of the basic powers; I ruin the TMNT, and how Splinter was rules; you could jump like Superman, in could debunk almost every ability in the probably a cult leader. Wait! I’ve got which case your legs would shoot through book. something. What is the one thing that you body when you land. You could also It’s the sad truth and I’m sorry that I every nerd dreams about? What has the levitate to fly. But going off the rules, you have to say it but it is the truth. Now, I am least amount of realism in the entire could only levitate as fast as you can run. a nerd and I am still strongly devoted to genre? If I actually wanted a few nerds to So you either fly too high and pass out that world. So the moment I enter the last cry , what kind of article would I write? from lack of oxygen, or you could fly low words of this article, I will still go about Let's talk superpowers. Now there are a and have kids throw stuff at you. The only my life living in ignorance and finishing all few rules that I have to follow when on use for flying is to show off. Being able to my prayers with, “can I have powers this topic. The question that goes down in turn invisible would ruin you. Do you now…Amen.” w11 x Anna Twiiddy Trevyn Toone Jordan Puthenveetiill Assistant Editor Editor-In-Chief Online Editor (Eventually) John Hiinton Hunter Dodson Photo Emperor Sports Chief Ben Reiin Daviid Morgon Current Affairs Chief Sports Chief Austiin Bllackwellll Paull Juneau Entertainment Chief Sports Chief

Thad Beaver Matt Curin Joseph DelGrosso Kristi Demski Dana Dziadul Jack Farkas Jacob Hofer Zach Rennie Reuban Reidell Matthew Wagner

WHAT ELECTIVE TO TAKE BY: TREVYN TOONE LEGIBLY TRANSCRIBED BY: DANA DZIADUL It's the last few weeks of school and your homeroom teacher hands you a sheet that says class schedule and tells you to make your decisions very carefully. You glance over it once, skip to the electives section and choose whichever one sounds closest to a study period. Then fall rolls around and you realize you've made a huge mistake. It turn out you actually need a semblance of talent to be in Advanced Art. How were you supposed to know Theater is like a black hole to every free moment. Why didn't anyone tell you Film Class isn't just about watching the Transformers series. Now you have forty-four minutes every day that you dread and wish you could do something about it, or better yet, wish you did something about it last spring or at least before drop-add ended. Well, I've always prided myself on having all the right information three to five weeks after it's no longer useful so now that it's too late to switch classes I have all you need to know in the convenient form of a flowchart at the back of the school newspaper! I guess you could, I don't know, keep this around for next year!

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