Learning Ofcer Alliance Curated and Moderated by Beri Meric IVY CEO YPO Metro NY Chapter Chair
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KEY LEARNINGS FROM: Matthew McConaughey
We are thrilled to share the key learnings from our session with Matthew McConaughey, Academy Award–winning, legendary American icon.
If you’d like to explore inviting your team to a custom workshop based on this topic, or to our future sessions, please email IVY CEO & YPO Metro NY Chapter Chair Beri Meric via [email protected].
Table of Contents
1. Five Key Takeaways & Three Key Actions
2. Introduction: Greenlights
3. On Legacy Choices
4. How to Set Goals: Get Rid of the Chafe
5. Write the Headline First: How to Give Yourself Direction without Restriction
6. Why Achieving Our Goals Is Never the End Answer
7. How to Recharge
8. On Failure and Not Letting the Sideliners Get You Down
9. On Yellow Lights: What to Do with Bad Days
10. How to Cultivate Joy in the Journey
11. Relationships, Family, and Non-negotiable Choices
12. How to Put Family Life First
13. The Importance of Making Time for Your Partner When You Have Children
14. Remote Working: What I’m Excited About and Worried About
15. How to Make Contradictions of Selfish and Selfless: Reframing for the Longview
16. Common Denominator Values to Rebuild the Social Contract
17. For Young People: How to Find Your True Calling 01. Five Key Takeaways & Three Key Actions 1. Sometimes you think, if I just know what I want to do, that gives me something to constructively work and chase and climb to everyday. But the first question is harder. What the hell do I want to do, and why? Sometimes it’s about eliminating. Get rid of the chafe. Get rid of the et cetera that you don’t really need. And sometimes that will even mathematically lead us towards more of what it is we do want to do to define our goal. Now, once we define it, woohoo, that’s fun. Because now you have that stake in the sand out there. You have that reason to fire out of bed each morning. We like the feeling of small ascension each day and getting closer and things getting a tad clearer.
2. I’m all for writing the headline first and living the story toward the headline, which is a form of goal setting. Write that damn headline first and then let’s live our story towards that goal. But usually when we get there, the headline has changed a little bit. When you’re on your way to your goal, don’t give yourself a narrow one lane highway to get there. Just pick out your general direction, what your general idea of what that goal is going to be. In highway terms, I use like this, pick out if you’re going north, south, east or west. And then give yourself a 16-lane Autobahn. You can weave all through those lanes, take an exit anyway and be inspired along the way.
3. Gratitude never goes out of style. I believe generosity breeds gratitude. Gratitude breeds responsibility. Responsibility breeds freedom. If we can stay in that line, in that line of not trying to go too far backwards into the debit section, the joy will come. Then, when we’re not so obsessed with the projection of where we want to go to feel our joy or happiness, then we do start feeling more joy, just in knowing that it’s all impermanent.
4. Sometimes it’s endurance. Sometimes it’s just like, it wasn’t a magical day. What I’m doing, I’m not feeling it. I think we need to trust that some days are just like that. Some days we’re off frequency. Some days, we’re stepping in the longest line at the supermarket again, and we’re not in the flow, we’re in a constant yellow light. Now, when we’re in that yellow light. It could be a sign that, oh, I need to let this yellow light turn red and stop and dwell on this because I need to learn something. Maybe I’m in a rut for a good reason, because we need to take some time out and go, “I got to realign. I got to recalibrate. I’ve got something to learn here.” But most of the time, when we’re having a bad, we need to instead say, I’m not going to give this much credit. This is not how it’s going to be for me. I’m going to trust that I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning with a brand new day and I’m going to get back on track. I’m going to trust that the world’s going to get realigned again for me.
5. Most of our choices and relationships in life are negotiable. And with negotiations comes choices. But when it comes back to family, for me, the freedom is that that is a black and white decision, it’s non-negotiable. I gotta do what I need to do to be the best father I can be and the best husband I can be. That I put over in the non-negotiable category, which gives us great freedom because it takes away so many choices. I’m trusting in that choice being a good idea, timelessly a good idea. No matter what happens in the world, that’s always a good idea. That’s always in the black, always in the asset section. That’s never in the debit section. So, when I found non-negotiable things in my life that I felt were pure and good and true for me, when I watered those gardens and tended those gardens, and maintained those gardens, that’s when the butterflies came to me.
Tree Key Actions for You and Your Leadership Team
1. Identify one area of your work or life that, like Matthew’s production company, may be a drag on your ability to commit to other ventures
and priorities that are more important to you. What can you do to minimize it or even eliminate it?
2. Matthew talks about how joy is found in the process of doing something you feel equipped to do, not in the final achievement of a goal. What is one activity you find this kind of joy in doing? Set some time aside this week for it.
3. If you are in a relationship, what can you do to make sure you have that personal “check in” quiet time together, above the fray of childcare and work, that Matthew says is so important to maintaining his relationship with his wife? Whether it’s scheduling a date night or just planning to be more present, take a step to prioritize and build in this time. 02. Introduction: Greenlights
I’ve been keeping journals for 36 years. I’ve been daring myself to go open up those journals and see what the hell I had for the last 15, but didn’t have the courage to do it, because I was scared of looking back. When I went to write the book, Greenlights, I was afraid of being embarrassed, ashamed, feeling guilty, and seeing times where I was an arrogant little prick. I went back to my journals, I saw all four of those things, and I felt all four of those things. But what I also noticed was this. Most of the things that I thought I was going to be embarrassed about, I ended up laughing at. Most things that I felt I was going to be ashamed and guilty of, I had already forgiven myself for. And times, even when I saw I was that arrogant little prick, I noticed that if I wasn’t the arrogant prick that I was at certain times in my life, it wouldn’t give me the confidence to put myself in a position to get humiliated soon after, which, as I looked through the chronology in my life, it seemed to happen most every time. I learned from them.
I thought immediately when I sat down to write the first four days, I really thought I was heading towards something quite academic. And the day forward hit me, I was like, “No, this is not academic. It’s more philosophical and poetic.” I had to back off and said, “Look, let the journals tell you what the book should be.” And I remember the first thing that happened after a week is I had seven or eight categories, big stacks of stories, a big stack of people, places, poems, prayers, and bumper stickers. And I was sitting there with these stacks in front of me and it was like, “Okay, well, there’s my categories, my themes. Now, let me see if I can find a central theme in that.” And that’s where I found Greenlights.
I noticed that I had engineered Greenlights in my life, meaning I made choices that were kind and cool to my future self in ways that I was responsible for. Noticed that I got damn lucky sometimes. Greenlights just fell in my lap and I was like, “Well, do I do something with it? Do I take advantage of the opportunity?” Noticed that those red and yellow lights in life that I do not like and nobody likes, and why do we want them. Noticed that, oh, they had lessons to teach me. I had learned lessons. That’s how I evolved. That’s how I became less of a repeat offender and what I was screwing up in, by taking the time to take some introspection or the pause that red and yellow lights can give us, or whatever that crisis and hardship may be in a red and yellow light.
Now that it’s been written and I’ve shared it with the world, I’ve declared my truest extension of myself. What I’m really enjoying now is to see how it’s specifically translating to each individual. Everybody is applying something, a story or a lesson that I learned, to their own life particularly, which makes this an ongoing live conversation, and that is translating individually. That’s my favorite thing about it. 03. On Legacy Choices
My plan moving forward is I’m stepping into more of a useful leadership role. I’m still interested in movies, but I’m doing someone else’s script, directed by someone else, edited by someone else, lensed by someone else before I’m getting my expression. That’s four filters from the live expression. I’m trying to challenge myself and ask, what is the best way that I can go tell, go play the character, the lead character I want to play in this big movie called life, the one that were action was called for me in 1969 and it’ll be called one time in our one take in this rodeo, bull ride we’re on.
I’m trying to make legacy choices now, meaning, what choices in places can I invest my time that are going to be as I call it, not a battery-powered green light, but a solar-powered green light, meaning our foundation, that’s something that I hope to hand off to my kids after I am gone. What are those legacy choices that you know will live on. I’ll be happy to look at this on my proverbial Monday morning desk on my deathbed. And I’ll be happy to leave it on someone else’s desk when I’m gone. And hopefully, they can leave it to another generation. What are those choices that are more permanent than just in this lifetime? Or more permanent than just in the season? Choices are not a fad. Choices for me that I’m going to go, yup, this funnels into who I am. It’s another way to express what I’m trying to communicate.
My hunch is I want to help build better people. I want to hopefully help people to hear a little bit of music in their life, even when we’re off frequency and it’s nothing but static. And that’s what I mean when I say, look, you make plans, and then things don’t go as we plan. And that’s part of the plan as well, when we recognize that.
5 04. How to Set Goals: Get Rid of the Chafe
Okay, so you want to set goals. Sometimes you think, if I just know what I want to do that gives me something to constructively work and chase and climb to everyday. But hey, the first question is harder. What the hell do I want to do, and why?
I think first off, when I’m not sure what my goal should be, I try to eliminate all the S-H-I-T in my life that I know my goals are not. Those people, those places, those things on my proverbial Monday morning desk, that I’m going, “I don’t want to deal with that.”
I tell a story in the book about a time in my life. I had a foundation, I was a father, and had family. I was an actor at a production company and music label. One day, phone rings, and I look at the number on my phone as I go to reach it. And it’s from the production company I created, where I’m paying the salaries to six people and I’m paying the rent on a nice office in Venice. And as I go to pick up the phone, I see the number and my hand pauses mid reach, and it stopped. And I remember looking at my hand and I said, “Why the hell are you pausing to pick up the phone from your own production company?” I let the phone keep ringing. Then I called my lawyer, said “Shut down the production company. Shut down the music label.”
I’ve been making Bs on five things as I was saying, foundation, fatherhood, actor, production company, music label. I want to get rid of two so I can make As in three. So, by process of elimination, I was able to build much bigger flames in the fires of three things than I had when dealing with five.
Sometimes it’s about eliminating. Get rid of the chafe. Get rid of the et cetera that you don’t really need. And sometimes that will even mathematically lead us towards more of what it is we do want to do to define our goal. Now, once we define it, woohoo, that’s fun. Because now you have that stake in the sand out there. You have that reason to fire out of bed each morning. We like the feeling of small ascension each day and getting closer and things getting a tad clearer.
6 05. Write the Headline First: How to Give Yourself Direction without Restriction
I’m all for writing the headline first and living the story toward the headline, which is a form of goal setting. Write that damn headline first and then let’s live our story towards that goal. But usually when we get there, the headline has changed a little bit. When you’re on your way to your goal, don’t give yourself a narrow one lane highway to get there. Just pick out your general direction, what your general idea of what that goal is going to be. In highway terms, I use like this, pick out if you’re going north, south, east or west. And then give yourself a 16-lane Autobahn. You can weave all through those lanes, take an exit anyway and be inspired along the way. Always knowing, hey, I’m still headed the same direction. But I’m giving myself leniency to have some magic and some creativity along the way. Because you’re going to have one step forward, two steps back. I’m still going in my general direction. It’ll show up.
7 06. Why Achieving Our Goals Is Never the End Answer
Once you get there, tell yourself before you get there, understand before you get there that once you get there, it ain’t no tada moment. You don’t get there and go, “Yippee, you did it. Rocked it. Okay, what’s next?” No. Either the headline has changed or you show up and there’s still more to the top of that mountain. And there’s a whole nother valley to cross towards, or an even taller mountain you want to get to. I think that would be my sort of one liner for setting and going after goals; it’s all chasing yet. We never arrived.
I think that’s what I call life’s a verb. If we can realize that, we can become less result oriented, but have the big picture in mind. We can enjoy the process of getting to things and know that once we reach our said goal, it’s just another rung on the ladder. It’s not the top. You never show up and go, “I made it.”
If we understand that, hey, if we can stay in the race, commit to the chase, whether that’s a personal or personal goal or whether it’s a company goal, or that’s a collective species goal, a country’s goal, if we can stay in the racing, commit to the chase of getting a little bit better each day, of getting a little bit closer to our goal. That’s as good to get because we’re personally never going to be our most transcendent selves. America is never going to have perfect equality. But if we keep chasing it and get a little bit closer at anything, that’s as good as it gets, and we’ll hand it off to the next generation better. You can get frustrated if you’re just fixated on this result. And you show up, and it’s not the result because you realize that it’s never the result. And then you get frustrated. It’s much better, I think, to look at as like, no, I’m on my way. And these are little markers along the way, but there is no “I made it.”
8 07. How to Recharge
We all know there’s two types of fatigue. One of them is good, when you’ve finished your day, or you’ve gotten what you wanted. And it was hard, you broke a sweat, a mental sweat, physical sweat, but you felt the construction in it. And you’re tired at the end of the day and you sleep well. Then there’s that other damn fatigue that none of us like. You get to the end of the day and you’re absolutely whipped. But you just feel like you just ran circles. You didn’t evolve. You didn’t get anywhere. You didn’t proceed on the path to finding the solution. It’s the wrong kind of work. You’re butting your head against something. You can’t figure this out. And that’s not a fun fatigue.
I personally, want to know. I like to be in the know. Meaning if I pulled it off and we succeed, I like to be able to look in the mirror and go, “Yup, you had a hand in that.” And I know how and I know why. I also want to know, if I fail, I want to look in the mirror and go, “Yup, you had a hand in that. And I know how and I know why.” The fatigue of knowing your work and your effect, I can deal with that because I can be constructive. The fatigue I don’t like is going, “I don’t know why it failed. I got a blind spot here. Does anyone know why? Because it looked so good.”
Doing movies, I’ve had hits and I’ve had…not hits. Well, some of the ones that didn’t work, I look back and I’m very sound with why I chose to do that work. Still, to this day. I have no regrets. I’m very sound with the great experience I had in the making of the movie, very sound. Would not go back and change a thing. But then, with others, somewhere in the third act and post production, when it was out of my hands, I’m like what happened? This thing just came and went. I don’t know. I got a blind spot. That’s the kind of fatigue I don’t like, the not knowing.
Now, I’ll tab this on . . . I’ve also learned that I want to be absolutely in the know about what I don’t know. I want to be very clear about that, too. So, in that way as you hear me, I’m always going towards the affirmative, even be affirmative in what you do not understand. I’ll say this as well on choices and hardships or failures. I don’t think any of us, I don’t think most of us fail near enough. It’s a bit of a mirage, this idea that I know I have gotten certain successes in my life because the powers that be were going to hire me or had what I wanted. When I went out and I was going up against somebody who they succeeded at the task the first time, I failed at it. But while they stood over there and said, “Well, I succeeded,” I got up and failed at it again and then got up and failed at it again and then got up and failed at it again. And the powers that be said, “I don’t want the person who won.” It said, I want Charlie Hustle up here who keeps getting up and dust himself off and trying again. This guy is going to be a grinder. He’s going to be a baller. And I’ve gotten certain jobs by failing more again and again, and again, but getting up and trying it again.
I don’t mind a failure if I think, larger scope, about places I’ve succeeded in my career. I could fail, lose the battle on the day, but I never lost the war on jeopardizing my moral bottom line of who I was as a man and what my character is—the long view. Again, that bad fatigue, the one you don’t want is when you’ve maybe even succeeded but you jeopardize your soul at the end of the night and you’re sitting there going like, “Oh, I’m a faker. I’m a cheater. That was false. I screwed somebody over. I lied. I cheated. I stole.” I got to look over my shoulder because I left crumbs in my life. Everyone thinks I won. But I know, while I’m sitting here in solitude, that I didn’t win well. That I don’t like either. I don’t like that feeling. So, if you can pursue those places, those choices and goals, impact we can have in our life, where, yeah, we’re filling our bank account, damn right, but we’re filling our soul’s account at the same time. That’s the honey hole. 9 08. On Failure and Not Letting the Sideliners Get You Down
In today’s social media world, I’ve talked so many young people, and their identity, their sense of purpose and significance through the day depends on their response, thumbs up or thumbs down, whatever that proverbial be, of that thing they export this morning.
Now, that’s no place to get your identity. So, when we fail, those people on the sidelines that are giving us the na-na, na-na, boo-boo, I say this, remember, man, they’re on the sidelines for a reason. They’re on the sidelines. The people that are in the game, when they see you fall and fail, the people that matter, usually go get more respect for you and say like, “Yeah, me too. I did it back over here.”
Let the sideliners chirp and everything and just remember, they’re on the sidelines for a reason. Stay in the game. Get your knees dirty in this thing. Like I say, trying to get our eight seconds on this bull in this rodeo called life. I mean, ride it, man. What’s it going to be?
We give too much credit, I think, to failure. Look, I’ve taken many risks and I’ve been told by people that I’ve taken a tremendous amount of risk. I don’t know. If there’s anything I could go back and tell my 12-year-old self that I would say do more of, I could go back and tell my 12-year-old self to take more risks.
10 09. On Yellow Lights: What to Do with Bad Days For whatever reason, I had a crap day yesterday. I was in a funk. I mean, it had to do with a few things, like the kids stole my one power cord to my laptop and I was in the middle of a Zoom and it went dead. Then they didn’t pick up some dog poop in the yard that I almost stepped on. I was already in a funk though before those things. Because when those happen, I didn’t handle them as eloquently and as gracefully as I’d like to, which usually, if I do, I’ll find the solution quicker and cooler than if I get perturbed and get ticked off.
When we get in a rut, it’s a tendency to think, “Uh-uh, oh my gosh, this may be my existence. This may be it.” You know what I mean? It’s like in a relationship. It’s the difference between dating and marriage. You date someone and the other one does something and you immediately go, “Oh, is this a sign of things to come? Is this like who they are? This isn’t going to work.” But when you get married, someone screws up, one partner screws up, you’re like, “No, I’m in this. This is not a sign of things to come. We’ll just get past this. This is just a moment.”
Sometimes it’s endurance. Sometimes it’s just like, look, I don’t have great days every day. Sometimes I’m just saying, “All right, I’m not finding great joy and all the truth. I’m just going to try to get through not telling too many lies today.” You know I mean? Sometimes it’s just like, it wasn’t a magical day. What I’m doing, I’m not feeling it. Well, I think we need to trust that some days are just like that. Some days we’re off frequency. Some days, we’re stepping in the longest line at the supermarket again. Some days, we’re just in the slowest lane on the highway, and we’re not in the flow, we’re in a constant yellow light. Now, when we’re in that yellow light, which we’re all in, here’s the thing, is it a sign that, oh, I need to let this yellow light turn red and stop and dwell on this because I need to learn something. Maybe I’m in a rut for a good reason. Sometimes we’re in a rut for a good reason. We’re off frequency with ourselves and the world around us because we need to take some time out and go, “I got to realign. I got to recalibrate. I’ve got something to learn here.”
But many times, and I’d say most of the time, we’re in that yellow light of pause, having a bad, bad day and we need to instead say, I’m not going to give this much credit. This is not how it’s going to be for me. I’m going to trust that I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning with a brand new day and I’m going to get back on track. I’m going to trust that the world’s going to get realigned again for me and trust that tomorrow that’ll happen, which is a version of when I use the metaphor, green lights. What do we do with the yellow light? That’s the art really. You get to a yellow light, do you slow down or do you put the pedal to the metal and blow that freaking light? Because you ain’t going to give that crisis credit? So, it’s both.
When we approach yellow lights and things that make us pause when we’re off frequency, we do need to slow down, because the red light is coming and we need that red light of introspection, of looking back and saying what am I supposed to learn here. But more often than not, I think we need to put the pedal to the metal and blow that freaking yellow light because I ain’t given that crisis credit. If we deny every crisis, well, we don’t evolve. We just blow by and just deny it. If we run every yellow light, we’re not going to evolve. We’re not going to have an ascension. We’re going to be going faster than everybody because we never slowed down, but we’re going to be going in circles. But sometimes, we just need to not even get the crisis 11 credit, put the pedal down, it should turn green again. 10. How to Cultivate Joy in the Journey
I was talking with a friend yesterday. She was saying, “Look, I have an amazing amount of gratitude in my life. I’m seeing things to be thankful for everywhere, but I don’t have the joy. I’m missing the joy.” I’m going to go back to what I was saying earlier about that chasing yet about the goal seeking, about knowing there’s no tada moment. Joy is the process of doing what we’re equipped to do. Happiness is different. Happiness is more like that. I have to be result oriented. I have to get that. When I get to that goal, I will then have it. Oh, if I find this person in my life or buy this thing or move to this place or make this much money, then I will be happy. That math doesn’t end up adding up once you get it. It really doesn’t. Joy is a different thing. It’s the process. It’s knowing that the result is not there, just keep on going, going towards it. And joy in the process of doing what we are equipped to do.
Sometimes it’s just, can I get out of here even money. And it’s an endurance tool. Can I just plug the leak a little bit from not going too far backwards? And that’s just part of maintenance, because we’re not going to have every day that is, man, I feel gratitude, and I feel joy, and I’m evolving, and I’m growing and I’m getting closer to my goal. I mean, we’re human. And we’re tricky mammals, man. I mean, we do it to ourselves, the outside world does it to us. There’s so many factors that can deal with our mood from sleep, to drink, to eat, to company we keep.
People say, and I’ve done it, you think some people get successful, and they go, “Well, now, I’m successful. I’m going to give to charity. That’s going to make me feel better. That’s going to make me sleep better. That’s going to take away some of my imposter syndrome.” No, it doesn’t. No, it doesn’t. You think it does. It’s a good thing to do. It’s a great place to put time in. But it doesn’t settle the soul. It doesn’t mend. It’s not medicine that solves whatever unrest you got in the soul. I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m saying yes, do it, but don’t go to it and expect that’s going to solve me, that’s going to give me the happiness. Do it because you love doing it and you want to do it. But it’s not the cure.
Gratitude never goes out of style. I believe generosity breeds gratitude. Gratitude breeds responsibility. Responsibility breeds freedom. If we can stay in that line, in that line of not trying to go too far backwards into the debit section, the joy will come. Then, when we’re not so obsessed with the projection of where we want to go to feel our joy or happiness, then we do start feeling more joy, just in knowing that it’s all impermanent. I open up the book about saying, “Hey, what’s the one thing we can rely on?” It’s our death. And it’s a good practice to go say, what’s our eulogy going to be? How are we going to be introduced when we are gone? Now, a lot of people go, that’s a morbid thought. But it’s not especially since it’s inevitable. Go there as far as you can. Project into your future as far as you can when you’re faced with the decision about what should I do and what should I not do. And ask yourself down the line tomorrow’s you, next week’s you, a year from now you, 10 years from now you, on your deathbed, what’s going to be your relationship then with this decision you’re going to make. It sure as heck makes me and I think most people start wanting to live more and live harder and healthier and more vitally in the life that we got when we hop over there and go, “Oh, yeah. Man, I only have 30 summers left,” or whatever that is. Looking the impermanence in the face like that can really help us get more out of the daily life that we’re living.
12 11. Relationships, Family, and Non- negotiable Choices
Most of the choices in life and our relationships in life are negotiable. And with negotiations comes choices, A, B, measurements, context, where I’m going to put my time. I only got 24 hours in a day. How much do I give to this relationship or this friendship or even to work.
But when it comes back to family, for me, the freedom is that that is a black and white decision. It’s clear. Now, that’s non-negotiable. I got to do what I need to do to be the best father I can be and the best husband I can be. That to me I put over in the non-negotiable category, which again, gives us great freedom because it takes away so many choices. I’m trusting in that choice being a good idea, timelessly a good idea. No matter what happens in the world, that’s always a good idea. That’s always in the black, always in the asset section. That’s never in the debit section. So, when I found non-negotiable things in my life that I felt were pure and good and true for me, when I watered those gardens and tended those gardens, and maintained those gardens, that’s when the butterflies came to me.
Negotiable things in life are where we are sometimes chasing those butterflies. We aren’t necessarily planting the garden that the butterflies are coming to. And I’m all for chasing butterflies, man. Hey, shoot, we might find a new species out there. I don’t know. I want to travel and go around. But where we can find non- negotiable things in our life, that moral bottom line for our personal selves, making that a non-negotiable thing for us. Family, it’s a baseline compass that when we are out there chasing butterflies trying to achieve, seek new things, learn new things, we know we can always come back to it. It’s more than a safety net. It’s a home base that we can go I can rely on this and I have full trust in this and my family has full trust in me. It’s built. It’s not a paper tiger. Because a lot of things we chase turn out to be paper tigers, and that’s fine. We find out. We go out and we chase those butterflies. We try to go negotiate other relationships.
13 12. How to Put Family Life First
I’ve engineered my career life, kind of pulled off a bit of a coup, thanks to my wife. Before we had kids she said to me, because my job takes me all over the world, “On one condition.” I said, “What’s that?” She goes, “When you go, we go.” So, meaning, I don’t do what a lot of people in my business have chosen to do or have to do. Go off and work in a foreign land for three months, then come back home, and try and play catch up with, “Hey, who are my children? Who is my wife? How’s our relationship?” I’m working all day, but I’m coming home to my family at the end of the night. Camila and I, I think the most we’ve been apart was nine days one time. Now, I know not everyone can do that. I understand my position. I’m maybe at a certain privilege to pull that off. But that’s been very helpful. So, I’m still going to bring it up.
I enjoy my solitude, but I cannot have an idea right now and say, “Beri, let’s go hike Iceland for the next month, tomorrow morning.” I can’t do that anymore. I used to do it. No, and now, I’ve got responsibilities and things I have to attend to. So, I can’t just on a whim pick out like, I’m going to go on a walkabout. I look for spaces. I talk to my wife about whether I’m going to need a space. Usually she’s the one that tells me, “You need to go off on a solo trip. You need to go on a road trip with yourself. You need to pack up and take your one week to go off to the desert, go do what you do. Go spend some time with you.” Because she knows that when I’m getting more right with myself, I’m a better husband, I’m a better father, I’m better back at home base. So, I do have to take off on some of these solitude trips. And then I have to try and urge her to do the same, to take some independent time off for herself.
Other important things: you got to do a daily check in. Springsteen talks about how sometimes we’re going faster and you’re not waiting on your partner. And sometimes they’re far behind or sometimes they’re ahead. And I know I have to work on patience. Because if I get rolling on something and I’m really charging forward, I’m like going, “Come on, everybody, catch up.” And maybe it’s unfair for me to expect them to be up to speed where I am at times. So, I have to have some patience there.
14 13. The Importance of Making Time for Your Partner When You Have Children
With kids, anyone out there with kids, we all know it, kids are the non-negotiable part, because they need us. And all of a sudden, we can slip into, well, the relationship with my wife or my husband kind of is negotiable. Because hey, we’ll be okay. You can look up and say, “We’re spending 99.9% of the time taking care of the kids and then, we’ve all done it, you put the kids to bed and 9:00 at night, you’re looking your wife in the eye going, “Hi, how’s your day? How are you?” for the first time that day. You know what I mean? And you got to watch that you don’t get into that too often that it’s not the end of the day where you’re finally catching up with your significant other and going, “Oh, hi” for the first time. My mom always said this, my dad said it too, and I think they obviously quoted somebody else. They’re like, one of the best things you can do for your kids is show them how you love their mother or show them how you love their father. And Camila is good about making sure we block off our time. We got our date night. No, kiddos are not invited on purpose. And that’s good for them as well. Good for the kiddos as well. So, they get some autonomy and understand that they entertain themselves and be responsible for themselves. It’s so important to just to have a little bit time with your partner. That may just be hanging out when it’s quiet and just check in. Where’s your head at? What you’re thinking about?
15 14. Remote Working: What I’m Excited About and Worried About
A lot of us were forced to go inward in a year where we didn’t travel as much. This year 2020, we proved that many of us in many ways can succeed or even thrive better, remotely. So, I’m in this like, “Boy, the world, the world just became, in many aspects, live where you want to live on this planet.” Well, maybe another planet, wherever you want to live, as long as you have internet access, you can be wherever you want to be. That’s exciting to me.
The other morning, I did business. At 9:00, I was in a call in Italy. At 10:00, I was in the United Kingdom. At 11:00, I was in New York. At 12:00, I was in LA. And when the 12:00 meeting was over at 12:59, at 1:01, I was having lunch with my kids and my family here at my house. Now, I couldn’t have been to those four places in one day. But even if I was, I would have been traveling that would have taken about I don’t know a week or something of me being away. I would have left a much larger carbon footprint. Those people that were also were on the other end of the calls would have had to have a bigger footprint to come be with me. None of us would have been able to have that 1:00 lunch with our family, which is valuable time, which I was able to have, which this remote possible world is allowing me to have, excites me.
It also scares me. Because right now, in a time where we have been forced also in this year to see that we have really distressed leadership, that we’re not sure who to believe in, that we’re forced into this autonomy to do inventory, that we’re becoming more individuals because we’re not out there embracing and communing.
For a lot of us, if we don’t handle this independence … I would say the private sector all the way down to the individual I think has more power and choice right now than ever before. To break out of the norms of what’s expected to do by governments and bigger businesses, now is the time to be a renegade. Now that we have the opportunity to be more like renegades, when you have the opportunity to be a renegade, you also have more opportunity to be a tyrant. And that’s the part that scares me. Not necessarily as much for myself, even though I better keep checking on that too. But how much of this independence in this new world in this future that we’re living in is going to create more tyrants. Because the accountability check is not there to check them because they’re more free agents now. The scary part is that with the freedom that comes from this autonomous and remote workplace that the world is teed up for us to have in many ways, how many people will get away with what they can? Scam, screw people over, become a tyrant because there aren’t as many guards at the gate, so to speak.
16 15. How to Make Contradictions of Selfish and Selfless: Reframing for the Longview
It starts with the individual. It has to start with you and me looking in the mirror. It has to start with everybody out there looking in the mirror and going, “All right, I’m holding myself accountable. I’m responsible.” My hands are on the wheel. I’m the one steering my ship. How can I be a little bit better today? How maybe will I sacrifice a little bit for the betterment of others?
I believe it to be true is that there’s a spot where the selfish choice is the most selfless choice. Meaning I am a white male. Boy, do I want to protect my place or my inherited position of power right now and exclude people from having more equal opportunities to maybe come in and fill jobs that me as a white male would typically have had. Or do I want to do what I can to open up to have a more equal opportunity, so more minorities and females can have more opportunity to do what they want pursue what they want in life? Well, what would be the more selfish act? On a very selfish level, I can say this, “Well, I’ve got a family, I got a daughter, who I want to be able to have more equal opportunity to achieve what she wants to achieve out there.” So, is the more selfish choice for me to hoard what I have? Or is it to do what I can to help a place for the equal opportunity or saving my daughter or a friend of mine who’s a minority can have more opportunity? Well, I’d say the second one is actually the more selfish choice. Even though it would be deemed selfless, we have to understand, we have to have a better relationship and give more merit to delayed gratification, in our immediate thinking, and we think that, “Oh, if I get minds right now, I’m holding it, or I’m dying with the most toys” It’s short-term thinking, again, bank account, soul’s account. Bank account may be full. Soul’s accounts, barren.
When we’re independent, when we have that choice, we can be a renegade but can also be a tyrant, maybe I think it’s understanding that the tyrant is the short-term choice. The tyrant is actually less selfish of a choice to make. The tyrant does not give any appropriation to delayed gratification, any significance to it, doesn’t tee up a better future, more green lights in the future for those you love. If you just want to bring it down to, well, I’m just going to worry about mine. If you just want to do that, it’s not the choice that is actually better and more healthy and evolving for those immediately around you that you love, those non- negotiables. Step out of ourselves a little bit as far as you can, again, maybe you can think just in your own household, maybe you can think in your own neighborhood, maybe you can think in your own city, maybe you can think in your own county, maybe you can think in your own state, maybe you can think in your own nation, then it broads out.
There’s a place where what’s good for the most amount of people is also what’s best for you. There’s a place where we make contradictions of selfish and selfless. We make contradictions of responsibility and freedom. They’re not contradictions. I believe responsibility breeds the freedom. I believe that a selfish act can be the most selfless act. The most selfless act can be selfish. It’s got to be damn personal. Every choice we want to be, damn personal. And I think we all have a right to say I want it for me. But that doesn’t exclude the we.
17 16. Common Denominator Values to Rebuild the Social Contract
“I am most fearless in my belief of my and mankind’s benevolence and the common denominator of values amongst us.”—Matthew McConaughey, Greenlights
There’s a list of things that we can agree on. It’s not rocket science. We got to go back to what our mom has taught us. I’m working on this list. Let’s call it responsibility. Let’s call it accountability. Let’s call it a sense of humor. Let’s call it fairness. Let’s call it hospitality. Let’s call it even risk taking, I’ll throw in that to be of value.
Our social contracts are broken between each other, between people. Most people go in to meet somebody new with zero trust and say, “You’re going to have to earn every bit of my trust.” I say, flip that script, man. Don’t be a fool with your trust, but go in thinking the best of someone else with a great amount of trust until they give you reason to not trust them as much. It’s an optimist approach, but not in a foolish way. And again, I’m not saying go in and just say, “Yeah, I trust everybody.” No, no, no. We know there’s tyrants out there, keep an eye open for them. But go in. I find that the more you can go and trust in somebody, you actually get a like response where they end up trusting you more as well. And all of a sudden, you have a social contract built, where you can have the handshake, you look someone in the eye, and you can walk away and go, “I’m betting that guy’s not going to pick my pocket.”
We don’t have those contracts right now in life. And we got to build those again. And those are based on a common denominator of values. And they’re in for individuals, for each of us in the mirror. They’re for families. They’re for companies. They’re for institutions. I don’t know how to talk about laws and mandates, but there are certain values that we can go, we got to agree on these things again, that I expect it from you, you expect it from me. I expect it from me and you expect it from you. We good on those? Can we all rally around these in this corral? Yeah? Okay, now, let’s go forward and trust.
18 17. For Young People: How to Find Your True Calling
First off, innate ability. What are you good at? What are you naturally gifted at? And are you willing to go, well, now I’m going to go put in the work to be better at that. Now, I’m going to go hustle and give it the giddy up to be good at it? And while you’re doing that (don’t worry about this part yet) but start to think about what I’m good at and what I’m willing to work hard at that’s something that the world demands. Am I supplying a demand? Am I filling this space? Because then, you could turn what you’re good at, what you’re able to work at into an actual business.
19 Matthew McConaughey’s book Greenlights We hope you found this valuable! If you’d like to explore inviting your team to a custom workshop based on this topic, or to our future sessions, please email IVY CEO & YPO Metro NY Chapter Chair Beri Meric via [email protected].