I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!) WRITTEN AND EDITED BY Stephen Colbert Richard Dahm Paul Dinello Allison Silverman WRITERS Michael Brumm, Eric Drydale, Rob Dubbin, Glenn Eichler, Peter Grosz, Peter Gwinn, Jay Katsir, Laura Krafft, Frank Lesser, Tom Purcell PRODUCED BY Meredith Bennett DESIGNED BY Doyle Partners SPECIAL THANKS Andro Buneta, Jake Chessum, Alex Cooley, Kris Long C opy right © 2007 by Spartina Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Grand Central Publishing Hachette Book Group USA 237 Park Avenue New York, NY 10017Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroupUSA.com. Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group USA, Inc. The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group USA, Inc. ISBN: 978-0-446-40779-3 LCCN: 2007931321 To America CONTENTS INTRODUCTION Featuring Hello and Other Thoughts ix HOW TO READ THIS BOOK xii MY AMERICAN CHILDHOOD 3 CHAPTER ONE THE FAMILY So Help Me God, I Will Turn This Book Around Right Here 5 CHAPTER TWO OLD PEOPLE Your Glasses Are on Top of Your Head 21 CHAPTER THREE ANIMALS Marking My Territory 31 CHAPTER FOUR RELIGION Accepting Jesus As My Personal Editor 45 MY AMERICAN ADOLESCENCE 69 CHAPTER FIVE SPORTS When It’s Okay to Shower With Men 71 CHAPTER SIX SEX & DATING 1001 Abstinence Positions 87 CHAPTER SEVEN HOMOSEXUALS Do Not Read By Glowstick Light 107 CHAPTER EIGHT HIGHER EDUCATION Smarties Pantsed 119 CHAPTER NINE HOLLYWOOD Lights! Camera! Treason! 131 MY AMERICAN MATURITY 149 CHAPTER TEN THE MEDIA Stop the Presses! Forever! 151 CHAPTER ELEVEN CLASS WAR Let Them Buy Cake for a Change 161 CHAPTER TWELVE RACE Fact or Fiction? 171 CHAPTER THIRTEEN IMMIGRANTS No Way, Jose 181 CHAPTER FOURTEEN SCIENCE Thanks for the Nukes, Now Go Away 191 A NOTE TO THE FUTURE Instructions on How to Defrost My Head 209 WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED? 213 HOW TO RETIRE THIS BOOK 216 APPENDIX The White House Correspondents’ Dinner 218 INDEX 228 fig 1. STEPHEN COLBERT INTRODUCTION AM NO FAN OF BOOKS. AND CHANCES ARE, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, YOU I AND I SHARE A HEALTHY SKEPTICISM ABOUT THE PRINTED WORD. WELL, How many American I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS THE FIRST BOOK Flags can you find in this paragraph? I’VE EVER WRITTEN, AND I HOPE IT’S THE FIRST BOOK YOU’VE EVER READ. DON’T MAKE A HABIT OF IT. Now, you might ask yourself, if by yourself you mean me, “Stephen, if you don’t like books, why did you write one?” You just asked yourself a trick question. I didn’t write it. I dictated it. I shouted it into a tape recorder over the Columbus Day weekend, then handed it to my agent and said, “Sell this.” He’s the one who turned it into a book. It’s his funeral. But I get your “drift.” Why even dictate? Well, like a lot of other dictators, there is one man’s opinion I value above all others. Mine. And folks, I have a lot of opinions. I’m like Lucy trying to keep up with the candy at the chocolate factory. I can barely put them in my mouth fast enough. In fact, I have so many opinions, I have overwhelmed my ability to document Sorry margin-huggers, but I’ve got some myself. I thought my nightly broadcast, The Colbert Report (check your local opinions over here, too. Deal with it.1 listings), would pick up some of the slack. But here’s the dirty little secret. When the cameras go off, I’m still talking. And right now all that opinion is going to waste, like seed on barren ground. Well no more. It’s time to impreg- nate this country with my mind. 1 Yep, down here too. ix I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!) See, at one time America was pure. Men were men, women were women, You will need your confirma- and gays were “confirmed bachelors.” But somewhere around the late 60’s, it tion number to log in became “groovy” to “let it all hang out” while you “kept on truckin’” stopping only to “give a hoot.” And today, Lady Liberty is under attack from the cable channels, the internet blogs, and the Hollywood celebritocracy, out there spewing “facts” like so many locusts descending on America’s crop of ripe, tender values. And as any farmer or biblical scholar will tell you, locusts are damn hard to get rid of.2 I said on the very first episode of The Colbert Report that, together, I was going to change the world, and I’ve kept up my end of the bargain. But it’s not changing fast enough. Last time I checked my supermarket still sold yogurt. From France! See a pattern? Turns out, it takes more than thirty minutes a Half an hour not night to fix everything that’s destroying America, and that’s where this book enough comes in. It’s not just some collection of reasoned arguments supported by facts. That’s the coward’s way out. This book is Truth. My Truth. I deliver my Truth hot and hard. Fast and Furious. So either accept it without hesitation or get out of the way, because somebody might get hurt, and it’s not It’s going to be you going to be me. Think you can handle it? I’m scared of Koreans. Bam! That’s me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don’t even think it, I just say it. Baby carrots are trying to turn me gay. See? I’m not pulling any punches. I’m telling it like it is. Get used to it or put Don’t put this book down this book down. Because this book is for America’s Heroes. And who are the Heroes? The people who bought this book. That bears repeating. People who borrow this book are not Heroes. They are no better then welfare queens mooching off the system like card-carrying library card-carriers. For the Rides cost money record, we’re not offering this book to libraries. No free rides. x 2 I’m going to take a second here to praise the work of Monsanto. Good people. Doing a fine job protecting our nation’s food supplies with their insect-resistant Frankenstein corn. They don’t coddle pests and I respect that. INTRODUCTION Okay, now it’s my turn to ask a question: What do I want from you? Good question. Thank you Just because I haven’t put a lot of thought into this book doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I want you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course. Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research. I didn’t need to. The only research I needed was a long hard look in the mirror. For this book is My Story and, as such, it is the American Story. Minus the Fruited Plains. (See Chapter 7- Homosexuals) I am reminded of the words of Walt Whitman, the nineteenth-century poet, naturalist, and all around man’s man, who, through his epic lyricism, defined the character of this new nation. He said, “I celebrate myself, and sing myself, And what I assume, you shall assume.” That “I” he was talking about? It’s me. Bottom line: Read this book. Be me. I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert fig 2. AMERICA xi I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!) HOW TO READ THIS BOOK By purchasing I Am America (And So Can You!), you have agreed to treat this book with the Accepted Minimum Standard of Respect, as follows: • This book should never be marked or notated. This means no highlighting, Got it? underlining, or margin doodles. • This book should never be used as a coaster, to right a wobbly table, in lieu of a hammer, a fly swatter, an umbrella, or a fan. • No image of me should ever be removed from this book for any purpose, including, but not exclusively: book reports, decorating walls, or placing in your wallet to imply our friendship. • Never press any sort of flowery foliage between pages. I’m allergic. • Start with a First Edition and be diligent in upgrading when new editions are available. • May be used to swear in those about to offer testimony if a Bible is not readily available. • This book should never have the midsection carved away in order to conceal a weapon or jewelry. Those items should be stored either inside the taxidermy heads hanging in the trophy room or in the safe behind the painting in the study. • This book is the responsibility of the purchaser—Never Loan Out. • Ladies may not balance this book on their heads in order to better their posture nor steady their hands when applying polish. C’mon, ladies! You know better than that. • Never dog-ear! Use the Ribbon to mark pages. The Ribbon is included in First Editions only! If the book you are reading has a Ribbon and is an official authorized First Edition, the “F” on the ribbon should be in large script type, like this: F If not, you are holding a Chinese counterfeit.