ELLECANADA.COM T Resurfaced

OUR ANTI-AGING OUR ANTI-AGING YOUR PRODUCTS YOU

SAVE canada SHOPSPRINGBEAUTY NEED NOW! THE SKIN SPECIAL PAGE 61 BEAUTY BEAUTY WHITE-HOT FASHION

EFFORTLESS STYLE & MILITARY COOL, SEXY SPORTY, SPRING SPRING CHIC CAREER MOVES THE NEWWAY TO IS MEDITATION NETWORK “MY BIGGEST FEAR FEAR BIGGEST “MY TOO ORDINARY” TOO WAS THAT I WAS WAS I THAT WAS SUPERNATURAL TONKIN PHOEBE APRIL THE 2015

106 RELATIONSHIP ELLECANADA.COM t resurfaced. He wasstillhotlyjealousand the issuesthatbrokethemup thefirsttime back togethertwicemore.But overandover, back together. Thentheybrokeupand got times upto100messagesaday—they were very intensetextingandmessaging—some- ing myboundaries,”shesays.Afterweeksof wanted tocontactmebuthe’dbeenrespect- me howmuchhehadmissedand years afterthey’dfirstbrokenup.“Hetold Toronto, backtogetherwithherex—two a 35-year-old actresslivingin brought Diana(notherrealname), he pingofaninstantmessage lure you back to your ex? Why does social media does socialmedia Why tionship can—and professedsoviasocialh who hashopedforasecondkick attherela- #FreePaula ensued.)Buthe’s nottheonlyone open thedoggydoor.”(The Twitter campaign cold /Ooh,turntheporchlight on/Atleast baby, let me in/Don’t leaveme outhereinthe plete withsuper-cheesy lyrics:“Comeon, tweets andanewalbumcalledPaula,com- back hisestrangedwife,PaulaPatton,via of ridiculelastsummerwhenhetriedtowin number andunfriendedhimonFacebook. old BS,”saysDiana,whofinallydeletedhis couldn’t maketimeforher. “Itwas thesame UPDATE Singer Robin Thicke became the subject Singer RobinThickebecamethesubject STATUS BYSARAHTRELEAVEN

JESSIE CRAIG 108 RELATIONSHIP ELLECANADA.COM of technology and social media—where you of technologyand socialmedia—whereyou dates—can reviveadormantinterest. doing—say, throughregular Facebookup- Ludwig. Havingaccesstowhat anexisnow low throughonimpulseorcuriosity,” says people now, whichmakesiteasiertofol- more tempting.“We haveeasieraccessto the returntoapreviouslywarmedbedeven a pervasivepartofeverydaylife,canmake changed isthis:Socialmedia,increasingly aren’t anewphenomenon,butwhathas desirable alternatives.Cyclicalrelationships lingering contactandaperceivedlackof answer justmightlieattheintersectionof coupling isaverybigquestion,andthe higher conflicthavesuchappeal? satisfaction, fewerpositiveinteractionsand a renewedrelationshipthatbringslower fective conflictmanagement.”Sowhywould back togethertypicallyexperience“lessef- Austin studiesshowthatcoupleswhoget relationships, theUniversityofTexas at the habitoftheirpreviousrelationship. program designedtohelpthelovelornkick site launchedlastsummerthatoffersa12-step a managingeditorforExaholics.com,web- specializes inworkingwithcouples.She’s also psychotherapist basedinNewYork Citywho in ordertofeellovable,”saysRobiLudwig,a tion thatyou’redependentonhavingsomeone 2.5. “Cyclicalrelationshipscanbeanindica- al couplebreaksupandgetsbacktogetheris ex—and theaveragenumberoftimesacyclic- people havegottenbacktogetherwithan of Texas atAustin,almost60percentof will notplayakeyrole. imagine thattextmessagingandsocialmedia together andpulledapart—andit’s hardto twentysomethings whokeepgettingpushed was shotinToronto lastyear. It’s abouttwo film tentativelyentitledOnAgainOff has capturedtheculturalzeitgeist,afeature 2010. And,confirminghowthisphenomenon suggestive are-they-or-aren’t-they tweets since been keepingeveryoneguessingwiththeir media. JustinBieberandSelenaGomezhave It seems like the sometimes-toxic influence It seemslikethesometimes-toxic influence The drivingmotivationbehindcyclical Despite thepervasivedrivetorekindle According toresearchfromtheUniversity

Famous on-again,off- OR AREN’T of whom have finally of whomhavefinally again couples—most again couples—most & RobertPattinson ARE THEY & SelenaGomez Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart & Paula Patton & PaulaPatton & EvaMendes called itquits. Ryan Gosling & JohnMayer Robin Thicke Justin Bieber Justin Bieber THEY? (ON/OFF) (ON/OFF) Katy Perry Katy Perry (QUITS) (QUITS) (ON?) status ofthecommitment,” shesays. and thenkeeptalkingabout theongoing exactly whatisgoingtochange orimprove proach. “Negotiatethingsclearly, discuss Duke recommendstakinga pragmatic ap- in allrelationships,isveryimportant, and the firsttime,”shesays.Communication,as the wantsandneedsthatweren’t beingmet done duringyourtimeapartthatwillchange need topauseandthinkaboutwhatyou’ve red flagsismorethanonebreakup.“You make positivechanges,butoneofthebiggest couples getbacktogetherandareableto ply indulgingacomfortablepattern.Some keep theireyeswideopenratherthansim- mune torepair. that brokenthingisarelationshipthat’s im- is anhonourableimpulse,itgetstrickywhen But whilethedesiretofixsomethingbroken perceive reconciliationasthekeytorelief. she says.It’s understandablethatonemight including depressionandsuicidalthoughts,” can triggerseriouspsychologicaldifficulties, lifetime. “Whenthingsfallapart,abreakup that apreviousrelationshipwouldlast percent ofCanadianyoungadultsthought cult,” shesays.Lee’s researchshowsthat42 option forlove,itcanbeextremelydiffi- a finalchoicetoterminateourforeseeable get stuckonthisfalseidea.Whenwemake can alsocomplicatethings.“Alotofpeople that theideaofmissingouton“theone” sulting psychologistforExaholics.com,says have analternative.” it aloteasiertogobackthemifyoudon’t University ofTexas atAustin.“Thatmakes professor ofcommunicationstudiesatthe ken up,”saysReneDailey, anassociate contact withpeopleevenafteryou’vebro- of anex’s behaviour. to post-relationshipcontactandthetracking 18 to25andfoundthat87percentadmitted New Brunswick,surveyedyoungadultsaged candidate inpsychologyattheUniversityof to saygoodbyeforever. BrendaLee,aPh.D. in realtime—ismakingitharderand can nowwatchyourex-boyfriend’s wedding Duke cautionsrelationshiprecyclersto Jacqueline Duke,anIllinois-basedcon- “It’s thenormnowadaystomaintain

GETTY IMAGES (R. THICKE & P. PATTON, K. STEWART & R. PATTINSON, J. BIEBER & S. GOMEZ, R. GOSLING & E. MENDES, K. PERRY & J. MAYER) If the relationship is past the point of what should be no return and it’s time to call it quits for good, you need to be firm in your decision, says Ludwig. “Once you have ended it, cut off contact and put yourself on a relationship detox—which means no calling, texting or following on social media.” Alexandra (not her real name), a Canadian in her mid-30s living in London, England, found that out the hard way. She returned over and over to a relationship with a clear pattern: Things would hum along, seemingly fine, until her ex would explode over some perceived slight. “He would play on my insecurities, saying that I was cold, that I was always poking fun while he was always com- plimenting me,” she says. They would break up, but soon he would be back on her heels, begging for another chance via text and email. “Then he would say that he didn’t really want to break up, that he loved me.” They reconciled a total of three times. “And because he played on my insecurities, and I think I’m bad at relationships, I did think it was my fault,” she says. Alexandra’s final straw was a late-night showdown on the street in London. “He was really drunk, he swore at me and he sent me loads of awful texts,” she says. “Being treated that way made it clear to me that we had to break up for good.” She cut him off cold turkey and deleted him from her contacts lists and social networks. Now, with the benefit of hindsight, the experience of returning over and over to a dysfunctional relationship has given Alexandra context when it comes to future entanglements: “That relationship made me more aware that I should trust my instincts,” she says. “I shouldn’t have gone along with something that didn’t feel right.” ■

TRY AGAIN? Four questions to ask before restarting an on-off relationship.

Are you going back to a relationship for the right reasons? “If the relationship broke up because of circumstances or maturity issues, and not in- excusable behaviour, then it might be worth another try,” says Robi Ludwig, a New York-based psychotherapist and managing editor for Exaholics.com. “Don’t go back because you’re afraid to be alone or you’re hoping to change someone.”

Is the timing right? “Sometimes people just aren’t ready until they’re ready,” says Ludwig. “But if you really care and the relationship has some really good • REMOVES EVEN WATERPROOF qualities, people sometimes need to go back after a timeout and figure out whether MAKEUP WITHOUT RUBBING this person is really right.” • SOFTENS AND CALMS SKIN • WITHOUT ANY FRAGRANCE, Does this relationship have the right qualities? “Think about what you ALCOHOL OR DYE want in a relationship,” says Ludwig. “Look at relationships you admire, including how those partners treat each other and support each other. Write down those qualities so they are clear. If you’re worried or confused, get some feedback from family and friends who really care about you.”

Are there any deal breakers? “Think about what you don’t want and figure out your bottom-line deal breakers,” says Ludwig. “If any of those exist in the relationship, it’s not worth trying again.”