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p u r c h a s e i n d y @ g m a i l . c o m Purchase’s Only Weekly News Source ISSUE 109

Enter The Lewinter Math Prof Moonlights As Sensei By Patrick Cassels

For the last decade Purchase students have gathered in room 1059 of the Natural Sciences building on Thursday nights. Desks are pushed aside as Marty Lewinter, the unmis- takable black-belt, leather-jacket-clad professor of mathematics, foregoes the daytime lessons on compound fractions for nighttime instruction on compound fractures—as in those inflicted on one's foe. From 10 to 11 p.m. the classroom is trans- formed into the Shotokan dojo, where Sensei Lewinter trains willing students in the 140-year- old school of karate free of charge. "Shotokan is an aggressive style empha- sizing power and beauty," said Lewinter, who had no reservations in demonstrating the mar- tial art and displayed various maneuvers in his Natural Sciences office. "It's a polished art," he continued between rapid mid-air punches, "something I stress to my students." Also stressed in Lewinter's dojo, which V.P. Candidate campuses where he has studied and worked in requires no registration and open to spectators, his 25 years in education. is the defensive nature of Shotokan. As sensei, Addresses Student In his resume, which was sent to students the professor considers karate a purely defen- on the PSGA senate, Cabello lists numerous sive measure and demands his students Concerns Over references to Greek organizations at a number employ it as a "last resort." of colleges. As the Assistant Dean of Student "Live and let live," said the sensei. Fraternities Services at Stockton State College, he estab- By Bill Reese and Steven Tartick Despite his philosophy, Lewinter, a fourth- lished Stockton's Fraternity and Sorority sys- degree black belt, regrettably recalls employing tem (in addition to a health services depart- his skills growing up in Brooklyn. An orthodox Students on the PSGA Senate had an ment and a drug awareness program). opportunity to meet with one of the candidates Jew, he found himself the victim of harassment He is credited with being the advisor to a on the streets of Flatbush and claims to have for the Vice President For Student number of Greek life organizations, including a A ffairs/Associate Provost for A c a d e m i c ultimately retaliated against his boyhood tor- three year stint as the grand chapter advisor mentors. Learning position vacated earlier this year by for Alpha Sigma Phi at the University of Miami. Ron Herron. Said Lewinter: "That was the last time they He's won numerous awards from fraternal tried to take my yarmulke." Robert Cabello, currently the Vi c e organizations, including the citations from President for Student Affairs and Enrollment More recently, Lewinter claims to have Alpha Sigma Phi, Phi Kappa Theta at Western employed his black belt against 3 Manhattan Management at Broward Community College Illinois, Alpha Sigma Kappa at Illinois State. in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, answered the assailants, one armed with a lead pipe. "Once I When his name and the word "fraternity" was sure they were out to hurt me, I made a announcement posted in the Chronicle of was Googled, an article about the early days of Higher Education and submitted his resume to pre-emptive attack. If I had hesitated, there's a a Phi-Alpha Zeta chapter at Eastern Illinois good chance I wouldn't be here now." Purchase early this year. University came up. According to the article, Though Cabello is undoubtedly a very In lieu of payment, Lewinter demands dis- Cabello was quite instrumental in the establish- cipline and diligence from his students, who qualified candidate for the position, what inter- ment of that fraternity at Eastern Illinois. "Bob ested, or in some cases, concerned members describe their sensei as "strict" and "disci- Cabello was EIU’s fraternity adviser at the time plined" but "remarkably approachable and ded- of the student senate was Cabello's longtime and he took us under his wing and helped us involvement with different fraternity groups on icated" to even the most novice dojo member. Continued on Page 7... Continued on Page 9... Abortion A t h l e t e s Introducing Battle S t a r ving fo r the Indy I N S I D E : Rages in A t t e n t i o n Inquirerer S. Dakota momentarily incompetent classmates couldn’t pass to LETTERS TO THE INDY them. We’ve all been victims of this unfortunate phe- Established 2001 nomenon. Looking around wondering, “How the hell did Founding Editor: Glen Parker I was offended by The Blast when it aired on I not get the (insert document here).” PTV, but I'm more offended about how some students Sometimes there’s a poor guy/girl in the cor- Chief Editors: at Purchase have handled the situation. All Billy Prinsell ner squared away from the class, brooding or whatev- Bill Reese wanted was attention. He was pushing people's but- er, and their classmates just don’t feel like taking extra Steven Tartick tons trying to get a reaction, and a reaction is exactly energy and getting up to give them a paper. They’re Assistant Editor: what he got. He's been all over the news, in the Indy, in almost always the poor souls that have unwanted Emily Farrell countless e-mails. And for what? Does news coverage attention drawn to them when they feebly raise their Office Manager: make Purchase a more tolerant place? Of course not. hands, get up in front of the class, all eyes on them, Mark Schroeder All of this attention only validates Billy's Show. As a per- snatching the paper awkwardly and stumbling back to L a yout Editor: son who's dealt with bullies all of my life, I know one their seat. Kaitlyn Sudol when I see one. Billy is a bully, and all he wanted was Now, passing papers isn’t rocket science, Head Copyeditor: to prod and tease certain people, and what bullies get ladies and gents, and I’m wondering where exactly this Sable Yong off on is when people react in negative ways. In addi- confusion comes from. I asked some people how they D i s t r i b ution Superv i s o r : tion, I felt the conclusion of Dexter Wiseman's article passed papers in hopes to find some kind of pattern or Robert Stewart-Rogers was absolutely insulting. Every student who appeared a clue to solve this predicament. One person told me Graphic Design: on the show should be expelled? Sir, I know for a fact they, “Split the papers in half and pass them to the Sabrina Miller that you were down at the studio after the show threat- side,” I’m not sure, but I think this might work, but then Emily Stewart ening people with a baseball bat and that you broke again who knows who you’re passing the papers to. Backpage Bitch: PTV property in a temper tantrum. PTV did not press Can you really ensure that the whole class will get the Lauren Raia charges, but they should have. Shame on you, Mr. papers? I don’t know. Someone else said, “I just don’t Business Manager: Wiseman. Shame on you for giving Billy Prinsell just care.” Well, that’s pretty selfish (what a douche). Alice Gullotta what he wanted: more attention. It seems like this horrendous problem will Writers: never be solved; it has been happening for quite some Garry-Paul Bonesteel -Scott Oliver Saintjohn time; it will be a grueling process, but maybe, just Patrick Cassels maybe, one day everyone in a class will receive a hand Lindsay Feldman *** out without any aggravation or confusion. Katerina Korolov Jesse McLaren Have you ever been sitting in class when the -Christina Scarlett Bill Reese teacher decides to pass out something, like an article Virginia Reis or just something interesting they found? My favorite Shawn Ryder part of class is when the teacher passes out these INTRODUCING Steven Tartick handouts and the whole class goes into frenzy, their The Independent Randall Unger brain starts to malfunction and eyes glaze over, hands Kristin Whitcomb are shaky and clumsily fumbling the sheets of paper. Artists: The once simple task of distributing papers becomes Robert Stewart-Rogers treacherous and almost impossible. I remember sitting Danyell Thillet This Week on Page 11 in a class and the teacher passed out about three sets Jack Trades of Xeroxed papers and everyone froze, started looking Inquirerers: For too long, Independent readers have failed to recog- around confused and flustered, furiously thinking about Emily Farrell nize the distinction between news and satire within our Mark Schroeder which way to pass the papers that would be the most pages. To make this easier for our audience, we proud- Kaitlyn Sudol constructive, but they failed-miserably. After the extra ly introduce The Independent Inquirerer, an entire page Steven Tartick papers were passed back to the professor there were devoted to our great satire pieces. From now on, if quite a few people in various places around the room Copy Editors: you’re looking for the real news, you can rest assured Patrick Cassels that raised their hand nimbly, for they did not received that everything in the issue is real, written by our talent- Alison Dvornek the papers. Frustrated and feeling uncared for, the stu- ed staff writers, and everything on the satire page is Kristin Whitcomb dents had to stand up and (get this) walk to the front of just that, SATIRE! (and we know we spelled it wrong). the classroom and retrieve the papers that their The Purchase Independent is a non-profit newspaper, paid for by the mandatory student activity fee. The Independent welcomes submissions from the readers. We are an open forum for campus issues and comments about T h e Independent’s coverage. We accept letters, articles, comics, ads, and event listsings. The deadline for submissions to be considered for publication in the following issue is Tuesdays at eight. After that, you must bribe us with candy. Publication of submissions is not guar- enteed, but subject to the discretion of of the editors. We prefer that submissions come to us elec- t r o n i c a l l y. Our e-mail address is: [email protected] Backpage quotes can be left in the Back Page box, a makeshift container nailed to the wall outside the Media Board Office, which is located on the first floor of Campus Center North, room 1011. Finally, no anonymous submissions will be considered. Instead, they will be read aloud while new pledges to Phi Alpha Gamma are spanked at their Rush party at H-2-2.

PUN (NOUN): A PLAY ON WORDS, SOMETIMES ON DIFFERENT SENSES OF THE SAME WORD AND SOMETIMES ON THE SIMILAR SENSE OR SOUND OF DIFFERENT Newsflash: INDY REVIEW: Rian Johnson’s Brick Athletics Exist at By Virgina Reis

Purchase First time film maker/writer, Rian Johnson By Shawn Ryder takes a stab at converting classic noir for a modern day audience in Brick (could the title be any- more relevant to Purchase? I think not). Believe it or not, Purchase College has In his best performance to date, Joseph athletics. Surprising to some, I know, but it’s Gordon-Levitt stars as the no holds bar Brenden true. If you don’t believe me, pick up the latest Freye, a Southern California student who rou- issue of the Dispatch and if you flip to the last tinely keeps to himself until his ex girlfriend, page, you’ll find the latest information and arti- Emily (of TV’s ” Lost”), mysteriously seeks him cles about Purchase sports from roughly a out and then shortly after disappears. Being left month ago. Still don’t believe me? There’s a baffled and confused, Brenden becomes infatu- link from our website that says “ATHLETICS”. ated with finding his one time amour and seeks It’s okay, you can click on it (it’s painless, real- the help of his one true friend, The Brain (played ly). There you’ll find a bunch of nifty facts and by Matt O’Leary, the scrawny kid in the John results that are (believe it or not) sometimes Travolta film, Domestic Disturbance…only now more up-to-date than the Dispatch. he’s not so scrawny and he’s fashioning a new So, fair reader, you may be asking your- pretty harmless. Seriously, who in their right pair of geeky specs). Brenden quickly realizes self, “Why the fuck should I care about athlet- mind actually wants to run for fun? As for that Emily’s strange manner goes much deeper ics?” Good question. Why do I care? I am wrestling – something about it just doesn’t than she’s willing to admit, involving everyone one of those athlete people you might read seem right. The option is there, but I seriously from the resident drama queen to an underage about and captain of the Cross Country team. doubt it would make an appearance here at drug lord, who goes by the name, the Pin. And If you’ve ever been driving late at night and Purchase. And having a football team at let’s not forget the always alluring, sophisticate almost hit some crazy guy running the Purchase? Never. Aside from the cultural teen seductress, Laura, who is even more mys- Purchase loop; it probably was me – sorry and aspect, football is just too expensive to have. I tifying than Emily’s disappearance. thanks for not hitting me (it would probably can think of a thousand other things that that J o h n s o n ’s use of Dashiell Hammett-ish suck… a lot). money could go towards that would make this lingo was difficult to understand at first but takes For people who don’t know, Cross college better. Plus, football players back in the mood every where, leaving you laughing one Country is a fall sport that consists entirely of high school usually referred to cross country as second and clenching your seat the next, an running (about 5 miles for men and 3.1 for a “gay” sport (no balls to play with, I suppose) imagine, all of this without mouthing one profanity. women). Oh, yeah, it is indeed the middle of and they never gave me the impression that The violence in the film is something not winter, so don’t worry, I’m not trying to per- they wanted to Think Wide Open. commonly seen when it comes to the typical idea suade you to come to one of our meets (which We have lots of cool sports, though. If you of high school life, which might explain its R rat- are always away – we don’t have a Cross sift through the athletics webpage, you may ing. The variety of the cinematography left me in Country course). I am trying to convince peo- discover our women’s Soccer team won the awe and Levitt’s bad ass demeanor, stationary ple to glance into the gym every so often. We NEAC (North Eastern Athletic Conference) and breathless for a number of seconds. There have some really nice bleachers. They’re blue title. Or by checking out the rosters, you may were some great scenes, such as the scene and orange. And whenever I go watch my discover one of your friends doubles as a between Dode, (a huge druggy who’s linked to friends (and teammates) play Vo l l e y b a l l , swimmer or outfielder. And as demanding as the Pin and Emily’s desertion) and Brenden they’re empty. Okay, not so true, but there’s the conservatories are, you’re bound to find a comes to mind and just the idea of a teenage usually about 8 people watching. About half of large number of artists on the teams. Since I’m dope dealer, who is still living at home with his those people sitting in the stands are parents on the Cross Country team, I know more run- totally oblivious mother, is completely hysterical. cheering for the other team. So needless to ner/artists than any other sports, but they do As for the music, don’t get me started. With say, there’s plenty of room to spread out, relax, exist. all of it being entirely instrumental, it completely and watch some volleyball. As a part of the Purchase culture, sports grips the feelings that the shots are meant to And if you’re afraid supporting athletics fit right in. To quote one of my heroes and convey. What makes this film so exquisitely orig- will result in more sports and bring a wave of “America’s running legend”, Steve Prefontaine, inal comes back to the fact that it’s based in high stereotypical dumb jocks, relax. The conserva- “some people create with words or music,or school while still being completely noir in nearly tories aren’t dropping standards to let some- with a brush and paints. I like to make some- every aspect, from the witty and tight lingo of the one knock volleyballs around or run oodles of thing beautiful when I run. I like to make peo- characters to the sound editing. miles with me. People playing sports have to ple stop and say, ‘I’ve never seen anyone run Johnson uses the high school caste system have some intelligence, which is a great thing like that before.’ It’s more than a race, it’s to his full advantage. Every type of clichéd char- since 10 miles of running can get pretty boring style. It’s doing something better than anyone acter that is representative of that time in a per- when you’re talking to yourself. else. It’s being creative.” Next time you son’s life is there. You’ve got your brainy side- Purchase does lack a few sports like update your Facebook or Livejournal, check kick, your loner, and the vicious beauty. track, wrestling, and football. I’d love a track out the athletics page, and support an alterna- When asked if he thought adults would be program and usually, runners and jumpers are tive form of artists: athletes. able to take the film seriously, Johnson just 2006 PURCHASE COLLEGE SOFTBALL remained everyone to take a step back and remember high school. Everything might have HOME SCHEDULE seemed trivial then, but it was life. Overall I left the theatre with an overwhelming feeling of wow. 3/26: Lehman College (DH) 4 / 11: Penn State Berks So if you’re looking for a modern day detective 3/29: Coll. of New Rochelle(DH) 4/14: Villa Julie College film that’s beautifully written, capture, acted and 3/30: Westchester Comm. Coll. 4/19: Polytechnic University of directed, Brick’s the ticket. Openskim March 4/1: Keuka College N Y 31st. 4/2: Cazenovia College

WORDS. * LOVE MEANS NEVER WINNING AT TENNIS. * A BEAVER WALKS INTO A TAVERN AND ASKS, "IS THE BAR TENDER HERE?" * WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S MOVIE JUNCTION MOVIE REVIEW The Hills Have Eyes 16 Blocks Mrs. Henderson Presents By Randall Unger Nightwatch It was about a decade ago when Bruce By Garry-Paul Bonesteel Willis blew audiences away with the block- buster trilogy Die Hard With a Vengeance. The *warning may contain spoilers – film was like a rollercoaster ride through the read at your own risk* streets of New York putting Willis and Samuel L. Jackson in the wrong place at the wrong Alright ladies and gentleman, hold onto time, two conflicted men forced into one dan- your shoes because this week I present to you gerous cat-and-mouse situation after another. a total of three-- count ‘em three-- movies for fan or fantasy fan then get your ever-loving ass A few similarities crop up in Willis’s newest your reviewing pleasure. Now like most of you, to see this movie wherever you can because it action cop flick 16 Blocks, where he plays Jack I spent my spring break at home doing home- is fucking amazing. This movie revolves Mosley, a middle-aged cop on the verge of work and watching movies because yes, I am around an ancient battle between the forces of retirement with a bad leg and a slight drinking that cool as to have a social life but that is a light, called the night watch, and dark, called problem. He is assigned the simple task of conversation best suited for my teatime dollies. the day watch. These two groups are made up transporting a prisoner to a courthouse to testi- The movies that I will be reviewing, less in of people who realize that they have other fy against corrupt cops in a murder case. Mos depth than usual I am sorry to say, are Mrs. world powers like shape shifting, vampirism, Def plays Eddie Bunker, the petty thief-turned- Henderson Presents, Night Watch and The magic, etc. Basically what this movie does is witness with a likable Mike Tyson lisp and who Hills Have Eyes. establish the world and the characters that will plans, after prison, to open a bakery. First up is Mrs. Henderson Presents, a continue to be seen in the other two movies Jack escorts Eddie through 16 traff i c - Stephen Frears film, who also directed two since it is a trilogy with a central conflict at the crowded blocks, making a quick stop at a liquor John Cusack wonders: The Grifters and High core. store so Jack can refuel. Trouble soon comes in Fidelity, excellently written by Martin Sherman, What is great about this movie is that it the form of a suspicious gentleman who tries to who has done nothing important with his life. combines the horror and fantasy really well; get Eddie to roll down his window. Jack ends BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES. plus it’s nice to see something different than a the disturbance with a bullet, and it’s up to him Okay, just had to get that out of my system dumb blond bimbo getting stalked by some to protect Eddie from Jack’s former partner- because there are a lot of boobies and full splatter-hungry maniac. Also the cinematogra- turned-murderer Frank Nugent (David Morse frontals in this movie and they are all surpris- phy is really incredible and inventive. There are and a team of other dirty cops) until they get to ingly tasteful. Honest. subtitles in this movie, but the way that they are the courthouse. Mrs. Henderson Presents is about Laura used is so creative that you actually start to feel Willis plays Mosley with the same amount Henderson, Dame Judy Dench, who’s just as if they were supposed to be there and in of energy he would play any aging action hero become widowed and is looking for something some ways it enhances the “watchability” of the thinking to himself, “Armageddon too old for to occupy her time. She ends up buying the movie. This movie is definitely one that should this shit,” and Def’s comedic charm establishes Windmill Theater and hires Vivian Van Damn be seen. Eddie as a rather kind criminal with a refresh- and Bob Hoskins to run the theater. And yes, Last but not least we have The Hills Have ing, glass-is-half-full attitude. He and Willis Bob Hoskins is the detective from Who Framed Eyes, a Wes Craven remake written and direct- bounce one-liners off each other like (though Roger Rabbit. The story takes places around ed by Alexander Aja, one of the writers and not nearly as good as) Gibson and Glover did the beginning of World War II and is a great director for High Tension. Now before I say in Lethal Weapon. The chemistry is there and story about the competitive yet friendly rela- anything else, the look, feel, pacing and action so is the tension, a 16-block quest continuous- tionship between Laura and Vivian, as well as of this movie is what The Texas Chainsaw ly interrupted at every intersection by Nugent the evolution of the theater and how it was Massacre remake should have been. The Hills and his goons. affected by the war effort. This is a great movie have Eyes is about a family on vacation who Directed by Richard Donner, this urban for anyone who is looking for something good think they are taking a short cut through the cop picture features the usual fast paced style because it is funny, serious, well-written and desert and find themselves being stalked by a employed in many of his action/adventure titles: did I mention there are boobies. group of miners affected by radiation fallout. an escalating series of high-octane chase Next on the docket is Night Watch. While this is a good remake that has an scenes garnished with the occasional gunfire (Nochnoi Dozor) You may have seen posters action-packed ending, the pacing of the film is exchange. Less like The Goonies and more and previews for this Russian-made fantasy a bit off for me. We definitely get the feel for akin to Assassins, 16 Blocks is most definitely horror film and wondered when it was coming Aja’s foreign writing style in that the first half a Donner flick for its impromptu close-ups and out. Well I am sad to say that this film has a lim- hour to forty five minutes of the film is about gritty cinematography. ited release in the states but I am saying to you establishing the family dynamic and their situa- 16 Blocks is a standard chase-and-shoot now that if you at all consider yourself a horror tion. The problem is that this can be slow and pic. The dialogue is dreadful and the plot tedious but once the action starts it is relent- seems all too familiar. But at the same time I less and unforgiving. Warning to all those who criticize Hollywood for its lack of creative out- might be sensitive: this movie does contain a put, I come to a realization that this formula for strong rape scene and I say this because there entertainment that is the action movie is a good were people who left the theater because of it. recipe for success, a fact reinforced throughout If anything, it is worth it to see a mutant looking the ‘80s and ‘90s by Willis’s gym buddies, Arnie like Chunk from the Goonies, going postal with and Sly. Willis has made a name for himself an ax. “Hey you guys!” Whack. Mouth is dead. starring in these types of movies and Donner The wrap-up: Mrs. Henderson Presents isn’t new to the genre either, so if it works why gets nine boobs out of ten. Night Watch gets change it? Sure it’ll get boring after a while, but eight cures out of ten. The Hills Have Eyes who cares? There’s just something so gratifying gets eight rampaging mutant hillbillies out of about seeing the hero swig a little whiskey after ten. a vicious gunfight.

HELPERS? SUBORDINATE CLAUSES. * A TELEVISION WEATHERMAN WAS INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT, AND BROKE BOTH HIS ARMS AND BOTH LEGS. HE HAD TO Doctors who perform abortions would be South Dakota Fires charged with a felony and could spend up to Fashion Can’t Be five years in a prison. Under this bill, rapists First in the New could have the same parental rights as the Purchased mother. Planned Parenthood currently oper- By Lindsay Feldman Abortion Battle ates the only abortion clinic in the entire state, By Kristin Whitcomb where roughly 800 abortions are performed a Hi, all Purchase College students. My year and plans on filing a lawsuit against the name is Lindsay; I will be your campus fash- Dear Republicans: Put my reproductive bill. ion guru on a weekly basis in volumes to rights down and step away slowly. The bill cites recent controversial findings come. I am a Freshman/Transfer student this With the Right Wing consistently gaining by the South Dakota Task Force to Study semester at Purchase College. I recently political power, women’s rights as we know Abortion, saying that scientific advances in the came from a small fashion school in Los them are being openly attacked. Our genera- past thirty years demonstrate that life begins at Angeles (or as I like to refer to it, La-La-Land, tion has been taking reproductive rights for conception, and “each human being is totally no explanation needed) where I soon figured granted, and women today seem to have unique immediately at fertilization.” To me, this out New York is the place to be for true cre- almost completely forgotten that less than thir- sounds entirely religious. Religion shouldn’t ative independence. No matter the location, ty years ago abortions were completely illegal. have anything whatsoever to do with my uterus style is an evident part of one/s daily visual South Dakota is doing its darnedest to ensure – I’m not a Christian, so what your God and stimulation. that those days will come again. your Bible says has nothing to do with my In my eyes, the key to true fashion on the Lawmakers proposed a bill that directly reproductive rights. It’s ludicrous that in today’s Purchase lands is that of comfort. Whether it opposed Roe v. Wade (the landmark case that society a woman should have to worry about is the vast amount of cheaply patterned flan- legalized abortions in 1972). Last month they the right to decide whether or not to have a nel bottoms, bohemian garb or that of denim introduced a bill that states: “the State of South baby. This bill completely ignores rape and ranging from K-Martesqe to that of contempo- Dakota has a compelling and paramount inter- incest victims, and that is simply preposterous. rate brands of True Religion or Seven for all est in the preservation and protection of all Laws in South Dakota may not Man-kind, relaxed attire is an absolute neces- human life and finds that the guarantee of due appear to have anything to do with us, but the sity. process of law under the South Dakota Bill of heart of this matter is that Republicans and the Following the ideals of comfort, ladies, Rights applies equally to born and unborn Christian groups that financially and politically may I suggest to you the ultimate must have human beings... the State of South Dakota has support them are proposing this bill to see of the season, Everlast by Norma Kamali. a compelling and paramount interest in the whether or not the federal courts will be willing Fashion forward designer Norma Kamalli cre- preservation and protection of all human life to overturn Roe v. Wade. Neither of the two ates stretch pants and goddess dresses in and finds that the guarantee of due process of recent appointments to the Supreme Court - one color palate per season. Kamalli decided law under the South Dakota Bill of Rights Samuel Alito and John Roberts – discussed in to collaborate with American sweat pant applies equally to born and unborn human great length during the confirmation hearings monopolists, Everlast. Together the compa- beings.” their official stance on abortion, merely stating nies created a line of cotton and lyrca gar- Under this bill, rape and incest victims that they would “respect judicial precedents ments using a grey toned color palate in aren’t eligible to get an abortion, and the only established by the Court.” terms of zip up hoodie dresses, heathered exception is if the life of the mother is in While it is unlikely that Roe v. Wade will be boleros and my favorite item of the collection extreme danger or for a pregnancy that poses completely overturned, the issue is still preva- is a spandex interwoven metallic silver mush- a “serious risk of substantial and irreversible lent – pharmacies in small towns across room skirt. This desirable skirt can be worn impairment of a major bodily function” to the America are refusing to prescribe the Morning with anything from calf-height lace-up skull- mother. The bill also states that “abortion pro- After Pill because of religious beliefs and the adorned Converses to a pair of vintage bright- cedures impose significant risks to the health reproductive rights battle is becoming increas- ly colored Ferragamo pumps. If one prefers a and life of the pregnant mother,” which is truly ingly tougher. So as the Indy’s very own comic more docile natured outfit, I suggest the zip ridiculous, as abortions are physically safe if strip writer Danyell Thillet says, “We should up light charcoal hood-dress with a fitted dol- they are performed by a knowledgeable techni- probably go out and get all the birth control and man sleeve. One should absolutely pair this cian with sterile equipment and not by a butch- abortions we can while they’re still nice and with eighties plush vinyl snow boots and a er with a wire hanger. legal.” pair of Ray Ban aviators placed upon the face. These ever so stylish garments are available at a Bloomingdales near you. Boys would you like to melt the Swarovski-crysteled outer layer off of a Woman? Men get yourselves in John Varvatos attire. His Spring 2006 collection is of an earth-toned leisurely line with linens and cottons; you can’t get more comfortable essences from nature than those fabrics. The nude and angel white shades look amazing against the sun influenced skin, gained from relaxing on the Purchase hammocks with a book from the New York Times bestsellers list. The J.V. garb is available at his uber chic store on Spring Street, in Manhattan. Since comfort is that of extreme impor- tance to the typical Purchase student, taking a bite out of this soft to the skin attire will surely guarantee. Ladies and Gents feel free to contact me for advice, questions, comments, Purchase students protested at the White Plains Federal Courthouse on March 9. via email at [email protected]

CALL IN FROM HOSPITAL TO EXPLAIN ABOUT THE FOUR CASTS. * WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? QUATTRO SINKO.. * TWO PARROTS YOUR COMIC HERE. SUBMIT AT [email protected]

ARE SITTING ON A PERCH. ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS, "DO YOU SMELL FISH?" * WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? SPOILED MILK. * A GIRL “Vice President” from Front Page... Words of Wisdom along." writes Phi brother John D. Schmitt, "He even opened his own home for rush parties and from Ann Coulter was constantly the source of encouragement By Shawn Ryder and support for the new born fraternity at EIU." When asked whether he was interested in Recently, I read a few articles by a young bringing Greek life to Purchase, Cabello was woman named Ann Coulter. The interesting quick to assure the Senate that he had no inten- things insomnia can encourage you to do. My tions to encourage the presence of Greek life on inspiration stemmed from a deeply rooted campus, unless it was what the students wanted. Republican friend’s MySpace page which "I would not make any decisions without com- included Ms. Coulter as someone she would pletely weighing the opinions of all students." He like to meet (as well as Hillary Clinton so she later went on to say that "It would be naive to could promptly spit in her face and pull out her burning cult.” Oh, Ms. Coulter informed me think that Greek life works everywhere. Student hair). Plus, I figured I might learn how to talk to that “real religion can’t go bossing around other interest is needed, I would have to wait and see a liberal if I have to (which, who knows, might people” as Islam apparently has. To be honest, whether the Purchase student body would be make me sound like less of an idiot when I talk I can’t cite any instances when Islam has come interested in and accept [fraternities]." He men- to myself out loud.). here where I practice my American citizenship tioned that while at Western Illinois University, he My! The exciting things I learned. For and bossed me around. Maybe Islam likes me; had witnessed some student opposition to the example (from her February 8th article), I never maybe Islam likes the way I live, maybe Islam Greek Life. knew “Muslims are the only people who make likes the way I vote, maybe, just maybe, Islam Aside from Greek life, students also asked feminists seem laid-back.” Laid-back femi- doesn’t give a flying fuck about me or what I the candidate about his experience with diversi- nists, what a concept! Most feminists I know want, think, or feel. In a way, that sounds a lot ty and multicultural experiences. Cabello dis- are pretty cool and are fairly relaxed and they like Ann Coulter; I am a liberal after all. To back cussed his extensive training and experience usually appear stressed when they have a up her statement about Islam, Ann used the with alternative lifestyles, multiculturalism and major deadline the next/same day (go figure, curious example of my religion, Catholicism. diversity studies. He had worked with a GLBT stressed college students?). I have never met She points out “Catholics aren’t short on rules, counseling center, and also with previous cam- a person who practices Islam, so it makes me but they couldn’t care less if non-Catholics use puses to set up Safe Places. wonder. birth control.” Do I care if a non-Catholic uses Additionally, Cabello discussed innovative Still, Ms. Coulter informed me of some birth control? Hell no I don’t care, in fact I even ways in which he was able to help take the other, thoughtful, interesting things. From an support it, and I even support Catholics using needs of the students into account at previous article on March 3rd, 2005, I learned that birth control, even if it breaks some rules. I campuses. At BCC, their financial aid office “Conservatives don’t want gays to die; we just doubt Pope Benedict XVI is going to go to implemented the use of restaurant-style buzzers, don’t want to transform the Pentagon into the every pharmacy in America and take away so students didn’t have to wait in a long line. He Office of Gay Studies.” I can interpret this in so birth control. Religions really don’t do that sort also helped orchestrate entertainment on cam- many ways. One way, Conservatives really of thing. Governments, yeah, they do crazy pus buses, and late-night theater performances love homosexuals to such a degree that they controlling stuff like that. Crazy thoughts from to accomodate students schedules. would rather preserve their lives by not allow- that cool cat, Ann. Other stuff I picked up from It was made very clear by Cabello that one ing them in the military and preserving our the February 15th article included that instead of his top priorities would be to act as an advo- nation in times of danger. Perfectly logical, gay of diplomacy in the Middle East, we should cate for the students. To the shock of some, this people, like feminists are pretty cool. However, stick to “business at hand: bombing Syria back might be exactly why Greek life appears on cam- if Conservatives could love them a little less to the stone age and then permanently disarm- pus. There has been a recent movement, led by and let them serve and suffer the psychological ing Iran”. Plus, she noted that “American patri- Gavin Wilson to establish the Chi Alpha Xi frater- and physical effects of warfare and all its car- ots endure ‘The Boondocks’ without com- nity for students of Caribbean ancestry. This nage, then perhaps they would support gay plaint’”. To that I say, hell yeah, it’s a kick-ass issue is still being discussed within the student marriage. I mean, gays just don’t suffer like cartoon and is the best thing to hit Adult Swim government’s clubs council. straight people – hate crimes, discrimination, since Family Guy (in my own, warped opinion) It may be an inevitability that these organi- harassment, deprivation of various civil rights, and I’d only complain that there’s not more. zations arrive on campus with or without the con- stereotypes, and rejection – none of that pales Who knew I would learn so much from insom- sent of an administrator such as Mr. Cabello. in comparison to the possibility of losing your nia? I think the next sleepless night, maybe I’ll What is certain is that the student government, arm, leg, life, or (more devastating) ability to add Ann Coulter to the “Who I’d Like to meet:” particularly the Council of Clubs, Organizations have children. Last time I checked, the only space on my MySpace page. Maybe I’ll add and Services, has the final say on whether or not way a gay couple can have children is a lot like her as one of my heroes – as soon as she gets these groups are recognized as official organiza- losing the ability to carry children in which par- around to converting to Islam. I would really tions on campus. No club or organization at enthood is only available via adoption or with a like to meet a Muslim. Purchase can be “exclusionary”, or prevent inter- donation of either an egg or sperm from the ested students from becoming members. opposite sex (and in the case of males, a woman willing to spend 9 months of pregnancy plus labor). Fret not, friends, fans, and members of the GLBTU; Conservatives love you. Then there’s that whole bit about the Pentagon, which to me, frankly, makes absolutely no sense. Now gays are probably a far cry from Muslims, but Ms. Coulter makes a clear division between them in the articles I read – that is, they are never in the same article. Still, I learned that Islam may “for purpos- es of discussion… [be] a religion not a car-

WALKED INTO A BAR AND ASKED THE BARTENDER FOR A DOUBLE-ENTENDRE. SO HE GAVE IT TO HER. * WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND THURSDAY Room Selection Information EVENTS Alumni/Affiliate Lounge 9:30 pm EVENTS Meeting CURATOR'S TALK: PSGA Civic Actions David Schwarz Project 4: Noon, Humanities 1061 Tracy Fitzpatrick on Facing Committee, CCN 1012 Abstraction Christopher Taggart - (F(al)lying Comic Book & Manga 12:30 pm Donation Drive & Raffle 2:00 pm - Neuberger Museum of PUSH, CCN 0014 10 pm Squirr(tu)el Library, 12-5 pm Art COCOAS Meeting , Whitson’s 9am-5pm Focus on French Cinema Focus on French Cinema 5-6pm. Financial Proposals Due! Public Lecture:6:00pm Festival Festival Independent’s Meeting, CCN Reception: 7-8 pm 3 U.S. Premieres! For specific (See Friday) 1011 7 pm Yaseen Lecture: programming see www.focuson - Latinos Unidos, CCN 007 On the University Museum and frenchcinema.org SPORTS 10 pm Potential for Innovation MARCIA 12:30 PM Performing Arts Womens Softball Media Services Board Meeting TUCKER. Center vs. Lehman College CCN 1011, 10-11 pm 7:30 PM. Neuberger Museum Faculty Recital 11:00 am - Softball Fields PSGA Major Events Pangea, Student Center, 9 pm Ayako Oshima, Clarinet Mens Baseball Committee CCN 1012, 8 pm “I’m not a feminist but...”, 7 PM - Recital Hall, Music vs. New Paltz (d.h.) W.H.E.N. CCN 0012, 10 pm LEAD Center, 7 pm Building Noon - Baseball Fields EVENTS “Seeking Celestial Frequency” South Africa's Soweto Gospel MONDAY Jordan McLean Senior Recital Choir David Schwarz Project 4: Music Building, 8 pm Celebrate the unique and inspi - EVENTS: (See Thursday) Spotlight on Faculty Concert Recent Paintings rational power of African Gospel GRAD SCHOOL FAIR: Music Bldg. 4:30 pm by Casey Tang, music. Visit Graduate & Professional 1019A VA Building, 5-7 pm 8:00 pm - Performing Arts School Admissions WEDNSDAY Saturday William Kentridge & Representatives all week. Center---- David Claerbout, 12-2 PM in CCN & CCS CLUBS Genghis Tron David Schwarz Project 4: PSGA Senate Meeting, Humanities Theater, 7 pm Off Minor (See Thursday) HU 1072 12 pm Robots & Empire Islamic State, Heresy and PSGA Finance Committee, CLUBS Stinking Lizaveta CCN 1012 4:30 pm GLBTU, CCS 0037, 10 pm Prog Dogs Freedom of Speech 4:30 pm NS 1001 Anime Club, Fireside Lounge Comic Book Liberation Army, 9pm Student Center, 8pm Workshop: Sylvia Marx and Student Center 7 pm Hillel, CCN 0024 9pm Marcia Flaks O.A.P.I.A., CCN Basement SATURDAY Pre-Med Club, NS 1002 12:30 10 pm Workshop: Insights into Duo pm Root Beer Club. Student EVENTS Piano Collaboration and Psychology Club, NS 0029 Center, 9 pm Focus on French Cinema Repertoire 12:30 pm EMIT, HU 1021 10:30-12:00 am Festival 7 pm - Recital Hall - Music PTV, CCS 0026 10:30 pm PSGA General Programming (See Friday) Building Film Society, CCN 10 pm Committee, CCN 1012 5:30 pm “Do you know your history?” A Litany For Survival: The Life Sponsored by O.A.P.I.A. Independent Writer’s Meeting, and Work of Audre Lorde EVENTS CCN 1011 7:30 pm 12 am-12 pm Film Screening, Library David Schwarz Project 4: CLUBS Classroom, 6:30 pm (See Thursday) FRIDAY X-Stream Generation TUESDAY Ryan Homsey Junior Recital EVENTS CCN 003 9 pm Music Bldg. Recital Hall, 8 pm Lecture: Judith Shea, Sculptor David Schwarz Project 4: CLUBS 1016 VA Bldg. 7 pm (See Thursday) SUNDAY Art Club , Co-Op 9 pm Yearbook Committee,

SCHEDULE SCHEDULE TUESDAY MONDAY 10:00 P M: Lady T. Late Night 12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly FRIDAY SUNDAY 11:00 P M: The Josh Jupiter Radio Show 11:00 PM: After Dark 12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly 12:00 A M :The Offensive w/ Sam Jaffe 12:00 PM Midnight Rush TUESDAY 1:00 A M : Happy Endings 12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly SATURDAY WEDNESDAY 12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly MONDAY 10:00 P M : Metal Horde PM 8:00 : Monday Night Melting Pot 11:00 P M : Awesome Mix Tape #6 WEDNESDAY 10:00 P M : A and J's Magnificent Hour 12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly SUNDAY 11:00 P M : Steve Gold Hour THURSDAY A M 12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly 12:00 : The Release 11:00 P M : High Fidelity THURSDAY 12:00 am: Bagels & Schmear 12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly how the world works, and how to talk about If things used to be women. Share it With Sue Also may I add also that some babies that, they aren’t don’t even know how to talk English like adults Ellen yet, so how could anyone get mad at them for By Sue Ellen Rockcliffe much time now. saying childish things? I know I wouldn’t ever. By Jesse McLaren Although furthermore even grown-up adults like us should never say mean things about Dear Sue Ellen, Let me Start off by saying that I am women like “broads”, but instead say some- outraged by the fact that people are constantly thing respectful like “woman” or “young I've been having sex for some time now, but walking around campus trying to dress like me. woman” if they’ve had a bat mitzvah. I don't know how to tell my family. I feel guilty But that isn’t what this article is about, so I’m Another reason I don’t want mad for keeping this from them, but I'm afraid of not going to discuss it, heads dressing like me how they'll react. My older siblings aren't hav- although I DO notice it is because if everyone ing sex yet - what will my parents think of me? and it DOES in fact both- were wearing the same Please help! er me. Not that it doesn’t pants as me, then in a affect me, if someone is dystopian sense I would Miss Jiggy on J-Street wearing a shirt that looks look like everyone else like my shirt (or IS even from the waist down (or my own shirt even) and waist up if we were all Dear Miss Jiggy, says something like “ I wearing the same shirt). love it when hot broads I would hate that. This is a problem that I feel afflicts many jump my bones” a Also however, college students. Choosing whether or not to passerby who sees this that aside, the real rea- tell your parents that you are sexually active happening, but doesn’t son I AM writing this arti- can be a very difficult decision, especially if you get a good look at that cle is because I am come from a traditional household. Personally, persons face might think upset that the waitresses I think that your sex life is none of their busi- that its even ME saying at the Hub give me a ness. Other than catching you in the midst of those things and go up to receipt. I think it’s very the dirty deed, there is only one real way they me and say “hey Jesse, I pedantic of them to think would know and that is pregnancy. And what heard you say you like it that I need a piece of better way to break the news, honestly, who when hot broads jump paper to tell me I’m eat- doesn't like a baby?? Problem solved. Thanks your bones, why did you ing a chicken sandwich. for sharing! say that” and I would be Its like “oh I’m so dumb I SO confused as to why can’t taste this sand- Love, Sue Ellen Andrew was asking me wich, why don’t I look at that, because I wasn’t the receipt” (that’s not even there when the true, I’m just saying its Sue Ellen, original person who was wearing my shirt said as if they think people are saying that). Also it those disrespectful things about women. takes up too much room in my pocket. I've always wondered how one can tell the As a side note, I would NEVER say Furthermore, it will make me hungry again difference between best friends and people things like that about women. The only people when I empty my pockets. Also I feel that a with the potential to be more. Most people who would say anything like about women are machine that knows my favorite food is very would probably say the only factors one has to babies and children, because they don’t know dystopian. If there is a petition to stop this I will consider are whether the person is hot, and manners yet because nobody really taught sign it. If there is call me on my cell phone to whether you both get along-same interests, them? I think it’s defiantly not their fault tell me where it is so I can sign it. personalities, goals, etc. However, I've had my because they are still trying to figure out for share of "I just don't feel that way about you's" themselves (or learning, if they have parents) even though we agreed the aforementioned “LeWinter” from Front Page... Shotokan punch will take you out to lunch. The was there! What's missing?! “The students I have now know how to Shotokan kick will make you sick." work together," said Lewinter. "Everyone is In the past, Lewinter's classes have Frankly Frustrated in Farside friends in the dojo, and that allows them to included 20 to 30 students, many of whom he push and challenge each other without creat- claims continued to train with him after gradua- ing any bad blood. If anyone displays hostility tion and went on to earn black belts them- Dear Frustrated, to another student, I dismiss him or her." selves. Recently, however, attendance has The principals of mathematics that fill waned—a fluctuation Lewinter attributes in part Unfortunately, this is a question with more Lewinter's days are not mutually exclusive to to economic and socio-political differences with than one answer. Some relationships start out those of Shotokan, as Lewinter demonstrated. some members of the Purchase community as friendships and grow into something more, "The people who developed Shotokan definite- that have grown over the past few years. in fact, friendship is the best foundation for a ly had an understanding of physics," said the "It's a sad thing, but I've made a few ene- healthy relationship. However, some friend- professor as he took a Bruce Lee-like stance mies here over the last few years because of ships are destined to remain just that, friends. behind his desk. Firing a fist toward a shelf of my political views," Lewinter said. They not in Another possibility, a very dim one indeed, is computer-science books, he explained: "The agreement with the general Purchase College lack of sexual appeal. Maybe the other person force of a Shotokan roundhouse, for example, view." just isn't interested in what you have to offer. relies on the inertia of my whole body rotating Despite the ideological dispute, Leister Don't take it personally. Thanks for sharing! to give it power. If I didn't rotate, I would just encourages students to join the dojo, which he make my opponent mad. I wouldn't hurt him." describes as "apolitical." Love, Sue Ellen Lewinter simplified his description of "At the Shotokan dojo," said Lewinter, "we Shotokan with an impromptu rap: "The leave our politics at the door.

TWITCHES? A NERVOUS WRECK. * SMOKE DYNAMITE, AND REALLY BLOW YOUR MIND. * WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? SANKA. * MY Sounds pretty exciting, eh? Each of these What a Beautiful themes tackle aspects of American life that are contributing to the degradation of the global Brought to you by World! environment. These things are as easy as Sable Yong By Katerina Korolov turning off lights and monitors, washing clothes Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) There may be no time like the now, in cold water, limiting environmentally exploita- but what’s that saying about the past? It’s useless because Wouldn’t we all love to keep it that way? it isn’t the now? This week is the period in time in which you tive purchases, and turning down those ther- Aries knock the present down a peg or two. Hell, why not T h a t ’s why the Purchase En v i r o n m e n t a l mostats a bit. the past too? Dwell on some other nondescript dimension. Activists are putting on our very own But wait, that’s not all folks! We’re giving Sustainable Living Week! This is your oppor- away spectacular prizes to make this occasion Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) You will receive some mysterious tunity as both student and a human being to do even more exciting. Stop by our table at burst of productivity this week. So much in fact that it has something for this fabulous planet. You can do Campus Center North and South during the the potential of bordering on industrialization. If people start this by pledging to make a conscious effort to week of March 27th -31st. We will be around giving you the stink-eye it’s probably because you’re mak- pursue several specific sustainable living prac- during lunch and dinner hours at which point ing them look bad with your firm stance on the ball. tices for the week of April 3rd-7th. we welcome you to sign a pledge and receive Gemini (May 21-June 20) While nobody’s pestering you We’re putting on several events to make a bag of environmentally friendly goodies. for anything, you may be feeling the urge to fly under the these slight alterations easier and more fun. Mmmm, we’re even giving away some deli- radar this week. This is a silly idea, as everybody knows it PEA will be sponsoring an all day recyclable cious organic chocolate from The Co-Op!! But is common knowledge that those who fly low tend to get collection, as well as a showing of The Cost of I won’t give away too much, you’ll have to see stepped on. Cool. Also, we will be inviting everyone to for yourself. bring a dish and join us at The Co-Op for a That’s right folks, in a couple of weeks you Cancer (June 21-July 22) The economic law of diminish- scrumptious vegetarian potluck. Start licking ing returns goes by the way that at a certain point, the addi- might be thinking, “I feel so very fine. It must tion of more resources will yield less satisfaction. A K A t o o your chops now, my friends, it’s only a week or be because I’m helping save the planet, or much of a good thing is bad. This week you will have ample so away. maybe it’s the chocolate.” No matter why you resource but only a fraction will be able to please you. Surely you might be wondering, “what’s may choose to help, please do so, and it will this all about?” Well, here are a few of the most certainly be worth your effort. We look Leo (July 23-Aug 22) The worst you can do for yourself themes that we’ll be addressing: Eating vege- forward to seeing you all there during right now is abide by conventional laws of dragon-taming. tarian, electronics consciousness, and of Sustainable Living Week! Case in point: You’re bound to get burnt no matter how you course everyone’s favorite crazy recycling!! -A message from your friends at PEA. try it. Try practicing on some smaller pests first. This is an apt metaphor for your week, Leo.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)About 2% of the country’s popula- tion died of boredom annually. This statistic may put most of you Virgos in the safe spot, but this week you might want to check up on your life activities. Just how susceptible are you to this frequent ailment and what are the odds it reach- es a fatally overwhelming amount?

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) T h e r e ’s no point in sugar-coating this: You’re in for one hell of a week unless you quit the wait- ing around and do something about it. Procrastination kills, kids.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) In preparation for the coming weeks ahead, go through your present cherished endeav- ors with a fine tooth comb. Especially those with a supervi- s o r. The last thing you need is to get yourself into a position where people who don’t know you all that well are able to take hold of your fate.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Regarding every country song created, be thankful that your rootless, Northern exis- tence in this tundra of an educational establishment bears no grudge upon your uppity patriotism or lack thereof. T h i s week will surely remind you why you ought to.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) As far as the cosmos arecon- cerned, the only thing Dr. Seuss ever did right was attach a respectable and therefore non-disputable “Dr” in front of his name, giving him license to say whatever crazy limerick and never have anyone suspect the foggiest of his mental state. Take heed of his ingenious planning.

Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb18) For a limited time only, the alignments have granted you the power of really good comebacks. If there ever was an ideal time, now would be it to start whatever argument be it sensical or not and come out victorious. Or freestyle 8 Mile- style.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) This week, someone will pay you a compliment. Listen closely now because this will be something you ought to pay attention to. Instead of focus- ing on self-improvement, just emphasis what’s already bril- liant about you.

TEACHER ALWAYS USED TO TELL ME THAT DOUBLE NEGATIVES ARE A REAL NO-NO. * DRINK WET CEMENT, AND GET COMPLETELY STONED! * NOTHING SUC- The Independent

Purchase’s Only Weekly Satire Source ISSUE 109

Bush Declares Opposite Day Approval Ratings Through The Roof By Zap Branigan

In a surprising turn of events, Press Secretary Scott McClellan made an announcement declaring Tuesday National Opposite Day. As a direct result, President Bush’s approval ratings skyrocketed making him, for the day, the most popular president in the last 50 years. “ We’re really pleased—I mean—dis- pleased that so many Americans are showing their support for the President,” said McClellan another patient and claiming she just “messed at a press conference last week. “This bodes N e w Reality Progra m up.” terribly for this administration.” The first thirty-five minutes contained a McClellan made sure to point out plum- Fails to Operat e total of six fatalities, two instances of lower- meting oil prices, the remarkable success of the By Trent Brickman body paralysis, one accidental amputation of a Iraq war, the largest surplus in history, and the patient’s ear, and an unexpected rendition of The Fox network suffered a devastating complete restoration of New Orleans as indica- “She Bangs” from William Hung. ratings blow this past week when new reality tors of the success (failure?) of the administra- “In retrospect,” said series creator Simon show American Neurosurgeon was cancelled tion today. Fuller, “It’s possible shouldn’t have allowed before the two hour premiere “audition” Democrats across the city tonight will be amateur surgeons to audition. However, we episode was even over. After the success of throwing bashes celebrating the fact that for still strongly feel that the only way to find the reality shows such as American Idol a n d once they are the most powerful political party next All-American neurosurgeon is to allow all American Inventor, Fox thought that in Washington. Americans to participate.” N e u r o s u r g e o n would be a surefire hit. Howard Dean gave a stirring, well- The concept of the show pitted the aspir- However, fifteen minutes and four fatalities researched and low-key speech at a DNC ing surgeons against each other in increasing- later, nearly all of the advertisers and many luncheon. Hillary Clinton also spoke with no ly difficult and complex surgeries. Each surgery home viewers had called Fox’s studios to notable deviation from her usual demeanor. and result was then discussed and graded by protest the gruesome nature of the show. Activists contacted linguists in order to a panel of judges consisting of world-famous “It seemed like a flawless concept,” rephrase protest chants so that their message neurosurgeon Dr. Peter Rosenberg, popular Rupert Murdoch, President of the Fox Network, would be compliant with the new national holi- television doctor Gregory House (as played by said in a press conference. “A m e r i c a n day. Hugh Laurie), and Paula Abdul. At the end of Neurosurgeon was going to bring some well- “At first, we were not going to change our each episode, viewers were encouraged to call deserved respect to the medical community, language in protests,” said Geoffrey Winston of in and vote for their favorite surgeon. while also encouraging young people to con- the National Campaign Against the Iraq War. Clips of early episodes made it clear to sider neurosurgeon to be a glamorous career “But then we realized that the media would just viewers that Abdul would be the sweetheart choice. We had no idea that it would end this use that against us in sound bites.” judge, Rosenberg would be the thoughtful and badly.” Harvard lingual professor Johann serious judge, and House, as portrayed by Critics of the show citied the initial episode Belvedere said of the influx of calls, “It’s a sim- Laurie, would be the harshest critic. as the show’s downfall. Like many reality ple matter of negating both the predicate of “Oh, that was just pitiful,” House/Laurie shows, Neurosurgeon began with a two hour each sentence and reversing the order of the commented after one particularly bloody failed long ‘audition’ episode which showed brief and reflexive verb and the subject—rather, it’s the surgery. “Your surgical style was awful. You sometimes humorous clips of the aspiring sur- incredibly complex matter of positizing the sub- need to project much more when asking Nurse geons showing their skills off for the panel of ject of the sentence and—oh fuck, I hate this Stein for the forceps, and, I’m sorry to be the judges. The first few contestants presented no administration!” one to break this to you, but you’re just not foreseeable problems, but the fourth, a young Closer to home, Purchase students pretty enough to make it in the medical world.” southern waitress by the name of Amanda showed their participation in Opposite Day by Although the show was pulled before the Hayworth, caused several viewers to immedi- listening to WPSR and assembling for tackle real contest could begin, leaked episodes are ately call Fox in protest. Ms. Hayworth, an football on the Great Lawn. Students seemed already available on the internet and a letter- amateur surgeon, accidentally paralyzed the attentive and eager to participate in classes writing campaign has started to encourage Fox patient she was working on. Her attempts to showing a wide range of knowledge on the cur- to bring the show back to their Wednesday reverse the paralysis killed the patient and she rent political climate and Hemmingway. then refused to leave the stage, demanding night lineup.

CEEDS LIKE A TOOTHLESS PARROT. * BREAKING A DOLLAR MAKES SENSE. * WHY ARE VAMPIRES SO IMPULSIVE? THEY CAN'T PAUSE AND REFLECT. Parental Advisory: Explicit Comments... The Independent

Double E- I wanna be on you Trello, you know you want me FREE MIKE JONES

Why? Why do people call you Are you S t a y h e r e . T h e r e i s n o j o b their friend and then never call M i c hael Jackson? o n t h e o u t s i d e . - D o u b l e you when they do shit? - Bitter B e a r d ‘Cause you’ve been moonwalkin’ through my “You used Jesus as a coat-rack- We’re douchebags... We get a ton of pussy t h o u g h t s GODDAMN YOU!” If you were part of my circus, I’d have you I love my SnowQueen <3 your bumblebees buzz... wiping elephant butts with a wet-one! Applesauce is good for the soul How do you spell “farkatke” Harris I know you want me You’re my blue-eyed girl. if you read books or look at Let’s get hitched. paintings, you’ve got a ticket Sackagawea loves: ballsacks shan shan aquama- straight into my pants. rine spacemachine shan shan LTLSLS Its okay Katie <3 Crassie P.S. Mario OW! My water broke Billy- you can hide out in my bed GG Allin RULEZ! sex while riding a motorcycle is dangerous, but by all means, Is th er e n at u ra l l aw o r is What’s i n the box? th er e a b ee a t a SHOULD be attempted din e r e at ing st ea k? the indy gets naked on april 20. When fate turns you int o a motorcycle- You’re a mot orcycle Dear Dispatch Hey baby I like your walker Thanks for republishing our front page My Hookah is hap py to be out of ~ pick-up lines for nursing articles. The royalty check is in the mail, right? home patients -Love, The Indy the cl o s e t ! THIS DOOR IS WHERE LAW ENDS AND PROPAGANDA BEGINS All t he slu ts in t he I WISH THE MEMORIES OF YOU cit y walk lik e me WE ARE 138 WOULD BURN LIKE THE BATHROOM Start bangin’ your head EEW! I think my chicken has on the brick wall mad cow disease! It tastes like smoked turkey! Don’t ever trust authority!!

Theodore C. should not be allowed to wear a shirt. EVER I’m Bruce Wayne Bitch You know you know that you don’t c a n d y a p p l e s a n d Ralph- No one gives a shit. So please do r a z o r b l a d e s us a favor and shut the fuck up like me and I don’t like you “My baby making device can I don’t hurt anybody To whoever found my Ghost by walking barefoot punch holes through concrete Rider Poster in the hub... walls.” Clark Kent you’re one lucky S.O.B. in the garden. aka Superman I just want to be myself.

My hand is my favorite whore! Speak a da Dortch? I hump eve r y thing! - SAG