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The Look Man Report 2005 Week Fourteen: a Contact Sport

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The Look Man Report 2005 Week Fourteen: a Contact Sport The Look Man Report 2005 Week Fourteen: A Contact Sport "He's one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him."-- Scottie Pippen, talking about Tim Duncan on ESPN Week 14 was supposed to be a bounce-back week for a jumble of teams all looking to make the playoffs. After a bizarre week in which the lowly Bengals beat the mighty Stillers, several key matchups would dictate the future of the playoffs. The media had written off the Stillers and Pokes, championing the Bengals, Chargers, Bears and Jynts. Week 14 would be decision week. Week 14 would emerge as a week that showed the all-knowing media who was boss. In the words of that great 21st century philosopher, Tom Moore, “You can’t win the blue chips without the big guts.” Moore has led the Stillers and Colts to the brink of greatness, so he can’t be all wet. Of course, if the Colts continue to win week after week, his wetness will be from a Gatorade shower. The Bengals-Browns battle of Ohio put the Toothy Tigers in position for an AFC North title for the first time since the Paleozoic Era. The Stillers refused to cooperate by punking the Monsters of the Midway at Ketchup Field. That game included the Bus running over Brian Urlacher at the goal line ala Bo Jackson-Brian Bosworth. The Look Man figures if your name is Brian, it means you like to get run over by running backs. The week also featured a great interconference matchup between the KC Baby Backs and the Dallas Cowpokes. The game included five lead changes, fantastic offense and multiple big plays. It nearly came down to who had the ball last before Jerry (The King of Pop) Jones won bragging rights over fellow Texan and KC owner Lamar (Mike) Hunt. The Look Man has gotten a ration over the inaccuracy of his Look Ahead segment in 2005. Let the Look Man say this about that: 2005 has been a very weird season. Teams like the Pokes, Carolina, and J-Ville have lost games that they should have won, while the Vikes, Bears, Bengals, Broncos and Seattle provide the corollary. Suffice it to say that parity rules and the Look Man would put his picks up against anyone’s. Except that knife thrower on Fox Sports. He is over 60% accurate with picks derived from throwing knives at an NFL team wheel while blindfolded. How’s that for parity? Without further recriminations, the Week in Review. Week in Review: Browns at Bengals: The Look Man posited that Browns QB Trent Dilfer would give the Browns the best shot at victory at Pall Bearer Stadium in the Battle of Ohio Part Deux. What he didn’t know is that the poised young gun named Charlie (Biggie Size) Frye was ready to trade in his moniker for one that would give him more respect. All Biggie did was outplay Pro Bowl QB (Johnny) Carson Palmer on a blustery, raw day on the shores of the mighty Ohio River. In fact, his play was so good that it had the look Man singing: “I got sunshine on a wintry day – Frye Guy, Frye Guy, talking bout Frye Guy. Frye Guy!” Frye opened up the game with a ball possession drive featuring RB Reuben (Hurricane) Droughns. The drive ended with Frye Guy turning the corner to the end zone untouched for a 6-0 Cleveland lead. The drive was stunning in its efficiency, with Frye battling the swirling winter wind with precision passing and power running. While it is unclear whether he called any audibles on that drive, it is certain that he looked more mature than his years. The Bengals answered with a quick no-huddle drive to tie the score at six. On at least two of the passes, Browns DBs had opportunities to pick the rock and take it to the south end zone. Based on the Browns defensive back technique, or lack thereof, the Bengals clawed their way back into a game they should have trailed by 2 touchdowns. The Bengals and Browns flip flopped in the second and third quarters as the Browns’ running game evaporated and Rudi (Ray Moore) Johnson rumbled for a buck sixty nine on the day. The Browns front seven played as if on roller skates as the Bengals O-line pushed them around. Rudi provided the Roller Derby moves, doing his best Raquel Welch impression, while Mr. Tonight Show looked more like Burt Henry than an NFL QB. Palmer had only 93 yards passing on the day, including 2 for 22 to Chad (The Dentist) Johnson. When it was all said and done, the Bengals and Browns were tied at 20 with a little over two minutes remaining. At this point, the Look Man turned to Long Suffering Bengal Fan Dave (Sundance) Sundin and uttered the prophetic words, “The Zebras are getting ready to get into this one.” The Ugly & Black drove down the field on a penalty aided drive, scoring a GW field goal as time expired. Comically, head zebra Terry McAulay did not see Bengals Coach Marvin Lewis signal timeout with four ticks left. Only the alert timeout call by TJ (Ponytail) Houshmandzadeh allowed Cincy to avoid OT. Nice job, coach. The Bengals have come of age, and O-line mates Bobbie Douglas, Eric Steinbach and Rich Braham (Cracker) pushed the Browns front seven around most of the day. Braham got cracked on one series, but only left for one play. “Coach said he would use me for pie crust if I didn’t get back in there,” said Braham. On the positive side for Cleveland, CB Lee Bodden held the Dentist to two legitimate catches before getting concussed by S Brian (Nipsy) Russell late in the game. The hit also injured the Dentist, who didn’t need laughing gas to see stars on the play. The Browns avoided having to take Bodden out with a timeout, but his subsequent (and controversial) holding calls iced the game for the Nati. "He's a scrappy and tough player. We needed him," Russell said of Bodden. Teammate Daylon (Come and Me Wanna Go Home) McCutcheon complained, "You've got to let the players play. It's football. It's a contact sport. They let them [receivers] push off on every play." The Dentist wouldn't give Bodden any credit for his overall game. "Obviously, they weren't going to allow me to catch the ball," he said. "The only way [for them at that time] to stop me is to hold or collision me before the ball gets there, and we got the calls." Right. Bears @ Da Burgh: Monsters Inc. ambled into Blitzburgh looking to capitalize on the release of the new King Kong movie. Instead, Jerome (The Bus) Bettis ended up being the only monster at Ketchup Field, sending the Bears running for the turnstiles. Bettis, who could hardly walk during the week, rumbled over the Bears to the tune of 100 yards on 16 carries in a second half blizzard. His best effort was a TD run on which he bussed over Bears uberstar Brian Urlacher. The Look Man has always felt Urlacher was overrated, but Bettis put the exclamation point on this argument. The Bears made news early in the week for the $50,000 fines issued to O-linemen Olin Kruetz and Fred (Barney) Miller for fighting. Look for Urlacher to be the next Bears player to be fined 50 grrr when he sees the film of being run over by the Bus and his teammates begin razzing him. The absence of hard-hitting safety Mike Brown made the Bears defense look mediocre, and if their offense can’t score 21 points, they will end up just like the 2000 version, which went 13-3 en route to a first round playoff TKO. All of the Coach of the Year talk for Lovie (Thurston Howell III) Smith is legitimate. Lovie is looking to escape from the Island with a rookie QB, mediocre WRs, and undersized players. The Bears D-line is small, with DE’s Wally Ogunleye and Alex (Haley) Brown at about 260. The Bears are good when they stuff the run, and pressure the QB, but even a miniscule lead puts them in trouble. Blitzburgh exposed them on Sunday, and the SheHawks were surely watching and salivating for the playoffs. KC at Dallas: If you missed this game, you missed one of the best of 2005. Not only did Drew (Big Boi) Bledsoe throw for 3 bills and 3 TDs, Bill (The Big Tuna) Parcells opened his December trick bag wide open. His Doomsday Light Defense got shredded and exposed by Larry (Grandmama) Johnson, who ran for 143 yards on the day. Parcells countered with flea flickers, reverses, and fourth and goal gambles. KC countered with a strong running game and timely passing by Trent (Long) Green. Long Green went long to WR (Fast) Eddie Kennison on a broken coverage by the Dallas safety. The play looked like the game breaker until Doomsday Lite put the cuffs on Grandmama in the fourth quarter, setting up a major faux pas by head coach Dick Vermeil. The Crying Man decided to get tricky with a pass play late in the fourth. He yanked FB Tony Richardson and TE Jason Dunn, inserting Grandmama to block for Green. With the Chiefs’ best two blockers out of the game, Pokes’ OLB Scott Fujita (Film) ran over Johnson and stripped sacked his former teammate.
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