Congrats, Class of 2021. Surely you’ll be remembered as We apologize the “Second in advance COVID Class.” The Natir Vol. 10, No. 36 Copyright © 2020-21 The Natir May 2021 St. Rita to move to Mars by 2022, administration says Hybrid Earth option to remain JAMES HEALY ’22 IN THIS The St. Rita administration announced on Tuesday its plans to expand its campus, and this time it didn’t involve spending money ISSUE: on a superfluous athletic facility. Instead, they announced that St. Rita plans to bring its campus to Mars beginning in the 2022-23 school Previewing ex- year. “We believe that this is a good way to live out our core value of citing new Fall Veritas,” said Mr. Sante Iacovelli, principal of the famed earthly establishment, “Whatever that means.” viruses that will However, many parents have grown upset with the administration after this news was announced. Many claimed that it would put their disrupt school son’s health at risk. Others worried their son(s) would forget their chapel shirt and tie before they left on the roughly seven month next year P. 5 journey. “What am I supposed to do about my son’s dental appointment on Wednesday, March 15, 2023?” asked a frustrated mom who schedules routine medical appointments for her son on school days. Similarly, many St. Rita students were left unsettled after hearing the news. Many Ritamen worried what they would do without masses in the Shrine Chapel and Unitas events. “I just hope they have chicken tenders on this new Martian campus,” said sophomore Justin Stawczyk, who hopes to succeed his brother, Nick, as the self-appointed “Stawz--voice of the students.” “And I’m not talking about those new paper thin ones. Hopefully they leave them on Earth with those air-filled fries.” In response to the criticism the decision has faced, St. Rita issued another statement in its monthly newsletter that everyone reads: “Due to feedback from the surveys we sent out and due to our faculty’s proficiency with Zoom, we’ve decided to allow the remote-learning option to remain for any student who feels it is essential to his health and well-being to not venture with his fellow Ritamen to Mars.” Students across the city jumped together in joy realizing that they Mustang Store could continue playing video games in class for the foreseeable future. “My KD ratio has never been higher,” said current freshman now selling SR Will Forsythe. “I’ve always told my parents that gaming was my School president Dr. James Quaid and Augustinian Prior Provincial Fr. Anthony EpiPens for bee future, and now it’s paying off.” Pizzo, OSA recently visited the planet to see construction possibilities. The school plans to start initially with a test-run will be kept for St. Rita classes on Mars. Will time still stings at outdoor hybrid model of learning for the 2022-23 school year, be kept in CST, or will they transition to Martian time? and eventually transition students into full-time learn- How will a potential time difference affect the 78% ing on Mars, 5 days a week. St. Rita plans to keep its of St. Rita students who cannot read analog clocks let lunch cleverly named Red® and Blue® groups to separate alone calculate time zones? Regardless of the deci- students into respective learning models. The red group sion, one thing is certain--the bells will still somehow P. 5 will symbolize the Martian soil, and the blue, the water manage to ring one minute before passing periods are of the intuitive St. Rita pool (yes, there’s a pool.). The actually over. two groups will alternate between attending classes on At this point, there is no evidence to suggest that this Mars and Earth every other day. establishment will remain on Earth longer than it has “Well, they’ve had me go to the North Side (of to, as staff, parents, and students alike have suggested Chicago) to pick up a hockey kid at 6am before,” said that maybe it isn’t such a bad idea to move away from custodian and St. Rita Minibus driver Brendan Garrett, the trifecta of learning disturbances--a busy trainyard, who will be driving the shuttle back and forth between the cacophony of car horns on Western Ave., and the planets. “So this ain’t much different.” deafening mediocrity that the student body calls “Fri- However, much controversy has grown over how time day music.” SR Minibus stuck in Cal-Sag Channel creates mass chaos MICHAEL BANIEWICZ ’22 CHICAGO—Catastrophe related to St. Rita struck recently when an unexpected obstacle bell rang, I was running through the shipping yards behind the school, discarded my book bag created mass chaos. One of the infamous St. Rita minibuses was found lodged in the Cal- to get there faster, and ended up sprinting down to my locker.” Sag Channel earlier this morning, causing an incredible traffic jam on the waterway. For In spite of the traffic jam, many infuriated SR parents called into the main office and demanded many St. Rita parents, students, and faculty, the Cal-Sag Channel is a primary route utilized an explanation into the matter. In response, St. Rita has launched a full joint investigation with to drop students off or get to the school campus, besides being a major route of world trade. the Cook County Division of Waterways to find a probable cause in what might have created Unfortunately, because of the incident the canal has been off limits for six days until the vehicle the jammed minibus. The investigation is ongoing and led by the school transportation and can be removed, possibly with a series of cranes and digging machines. security team. Meanwhile, dozens of eager students who wanted to get into school have been left stranded “After many long hours of interviews with eyewitnesses and viewing SR security footage,” Baffoe to teach in various parts of the South Side of Chicago and the surrounding suburbs, forced to complete said co-Dean and overseer of security Joe Partacz, “we can confirm that the geese normally seen more days of class via Zoom. Also, an estimated $4.5 billion in shipping cargo has been affected. on the school campus are to blame for the minibus fiasco. One of our bus drivers has shared class on Kyle Despite not having a clear pathway to the school, determined Rita Men pursued any possible with us that while they were doing a routine morning route through the channel, a family of courses in order to get to the sweet, sweet in-person learning experience they treasure. One of geese swarmed the front windshield and side doors of the bus. In an attempt to drive away from James’ book next the tinier freshmen flew himself to school via drone. A mix of juniors and seniors borrowed the chaos, the front and back wheels of the bus got caught by the narrow passageway leading one of those multi-person tour bikes from a cousin who to the predicament.” school year does those annoying, loud-music, blinking light trips At press time, the investigation team was unable to determine a possible motive for the geese for tourists downtown. Students were seen dashing out attack. However, some teachers have weighed in saying they felt unsafe walking into school P. 5 of their Ubers and Lyfts lugging book bags and sports because the birds are very defensive around their community nest built in one of the minibuses. equipment across the front lawn. Upperclassmen, being Some have theorized that the geese may have confused this minibus for the one that they had familiar with the campus, took advantage of the hidden commandeered as a new home and were retaliating. In St. Rita’s most recent newsletter, the Chapel doors and entered the building unscathed. school has advised students and faculty to be cautious and not feed or hug the birds. “It was a madhouse on Day 1 of the jam,” said sophomore Meanwhile, the administration has drafted multiple ideas in efforts to dislodge the minibus. Owen Manning, who hitchhiked with one of the semi Some physics students have begun construction on a machine they plan to use for removal of trucks that blocks Western Ave. every morning. “The the vehicle, while the Varsity water polo team has volunteered to swim out into the canal and minibus blockage caused a traffic jam that spanned for manually take care of it. Putting a positive spin on all of this, St. Rita’s administration has miles long. Cars were lined up with people screaming out pointed to this incident as a great project to kick off a new STEM program at the school. Despite their car windows like it was a Starbucks Drive-Thru. We the unfortunate circumstances, students are still encouraged to switch to a 5-day learning model were all so desperate to get into our first period classes, so as long as they don’t mind leaving two hours earlier for school. we tried every possible entrance. By the time the warning STRITAHS.COM A2 • LOCAL THE NATIR • MAY 2021 Students’ dreams come true as co-ed plans in the works JOSHUA CARROLL ’22 For over 100 years, St. Rita of Cascia High School has offered a superior education and experience to young men on Chicago’s South Side and the surrounding area. But there has always been one thing missing from that experience--female students. Many of the boys at St. Rita have long hoped and prayed for girls to be admitted to their hallowed halls. This year in particular, the student body has felt lonely and disconnected from their classmates due to Covid restrictions. After giving more consideration of students’ mental health needs, school leadership has given in to the wishes of the students. The number one predictor of male student happiness is women, according to a recent study conducted at lunch by a group of sophomores. Included in that study is a survey conducted by yelling across the bleachers during outdoor lunch finding that 93% of students are in favor of going co-ed. The St. Rita Mothers’ Club is in full support of admitting women to St. Rita. One mom is excited that her son may finally start to wear deodorant and brush his teeth. “I Several students recently made their demands heard during Dr. Quaid’s history class. can’t wait for my son to stop wearing pajama pants on dress-down days,” she said. Alumni are also very supportive of the decision. “I’m pretty jealous,” said upcoming and in the lunchroom will definitely broaden when the school goes co-ed. The 2021 graduate Tommy Gleason. “This decision is long-overdue and has been a dream constant sports talk and stock talk needs an upgrade, and not just in Mr. Conrath’s of every graduate since the school’s inception.” room. Some faculty have expressed hope that at lunch, some guys will stop eating Alumni are also excited to send their daughters to St. Rita. Teachers are excited that like slobs and will actually push their chairs in when they get up and pull chairs out instead of asking a student to think about something from his sister’s or mother’s for the ladies. perspective, that they can actually hear from a real female. When Honors English One of the biggest complaints of the current student body is attending the Homecom- freshmen read Romeo and Juliet, Mr. Baffoe won’t have to talk with a high-pitched ing Dance without a date and standing around with a bunch of guys. “Sweaty guys voice to sound like Juliet. (When reached for comment, Baffoe said his character- with their ties around their head jumping up and down in a mosh pit isn’t a dance,” reading skills are great and that people are haters.) Health class would actually use the said rising senior Danny O’Brien. “It would be nice to actually practice the craft, you entire textbook, instead of just focusing on the guy parts. The school could have its know?” own cheerleading squad that actually goes to the school. After all, St. Rita, the patron saint of the school, is a woman. She is an example of a Students argue that everyday life at St. Rita would change for the better in various good mother and a great role model for the young women that will be admitted to the ways. During Mass, there could be a return of the school choir because there will be school. It isn’t fair that only young men have the opportunity to be associated with a more well-rounded voices that don’t crack as much. Conversations in the hallways saint of her stature. St. Rita herself would be proud of this long-awaited decision. Students argue that lunch lines flow better when disorganized SAUL GARCIA ’21 St. Rita students have experienced a school year like never before. The their first meal in days. Rumors have swirled around that a proposal to act on ongoing coronavirus pandemic has stripped away a sense of normalcy in the the lines and procedures is in the works in Student Government to be sent to lives of these students. Everyone has been forced to adapt and overcome a year the administration in order to “preserve the mental state of the St. Rita student full of adjustments and shifts, but out of all the things the pandemic has ruined, body.” Student Government is pretty busy, though, pouring over the tedium of one thing stands out from the rest: the lunch lines. a proposal to get dress-down days for upcoming final exams.The Natir will The lunch line at St. Rita are notorious for its unorganized and clustered follow along with these developments and report on new ones as they occur. nature. Once the bell sounds, students rush towards the Dining Hall entrance and file in like sardines in a can. Of course, given the pandemic’s limitations on close proximity, that aspect of the St. Rita brotherhood was forced to be discon- tinued, preventing many freshmen from getting the full St. Rita experience. In response to the pandemic and social distancing requirements, admin- istration altered the lunch process to the point where students must venture on a school-wide journey encompassing nearly the entire campus before settling into the new lunch line. This new line begins at the dining hall entrance closest to the gym, yet these new accommodations have had lasting effects on the mental states of St. Rita students. One senior, Mel Gade, observed these “wild beasts” on his quest for chicken tenders. “Walking down that hallway to head to lunch, you would think you were at a dog pound or something,” began a visibly shaken Gade as he spoke out- side the Dining Hall. “The bell to head to lunch [for juniors and seniors] sounds off at 11:25 p.m., and at times my teacher allows students to get a head start be- forehand to accommodate for the long walk. As you walk down that hallway, it feels nothing like a school is supposed to be. All you see are students propped up against the doors with their mouths watering. You can hear the doors rattling from the pressure of students pushing on the doors. They act as if they have been held captive, champing at the bit for a sweet taste of freedom.” When asked about how this impacts the lunch lines this year in com- parison to the long-standing traditions of the entrance cluster, Gade remarked, “The lines are definitely longer and move at a slower pace this year than previous years. I would actually go on record to state that the clusters were more efficient than the ‘organized’ lunch lines. Since these students flood out of the gates and bolt for the Dining Hall right away, the lunch line grows at an exponential rate. It only takes two minutes for that line to be stretched out into the hallway.” Gade expressed his optimism that the normal lunch line procedures will return at least once before he graduates. He said so out of an abundance of caution for his fellow St. Rita peers, who looked as if they were racing to The horror. STRITAHS.COM A3 • NATIONAL THE NATIR • MAY 2021 Talk Tuesday to screen Wedding Crashers, Biden bans wind following tumble on Air examine forced marriages Force One; enemies see advantage THOMAS GLEASON ’21 MATTHEW MARIOTTI ’22 The posters are everywhere. The announcements even called for the film to be banned from the free On March 19, 2021, President Joe Biden had a this story. are frequent. And the snacks are in a surplus. market. However, Talk Tuesday members argue tumble while walking up the steps of Air Force One. Biden has responded strongly to this aggressive This is not a carnival, but the weekly-held meet- against this view in claiming that it comes from an The American public cried out in fear citing that the attack from the wind. Within 24 hours of his falling ings of Talk Tuesday. The ideological wasteland inferior intelligence which cannot comprehend the oldest president in American history might have seri- incident, he signed an executive order banning wind of forward-thinking Rita students presents symbolism discussed in Talk Tuesday meetings. ous health issues. Some even set up a Gofundme page in the United States. He hopes that other countries opportunities to all who are willing to expand their They believe that the weekly meetings give them to pay for a stair lift for the plane. will follow his lead after seeing its brutal attack. He philosophical horizons. For their final meeting of an edge over others in interpreting complex issues. The White House knew that the president’s health also hopes that North Korea and Russia will see the the year, the group has carefully decided to show The goal of Talk Tuesday’s next film screening would come into question. Luckily, they had a seriousness of this newly-appointed global issue. the film Wedding Crashers in order to spark a is to ignite a curiosity and subsequent discussion plethora of excuses ready when talking to the press Surprisingly, this decision is not embraced by many. A discussion on the problems of forced marriage. on the problems and solutions to forced marriages. about Biden’s fall. While they could have said that the lot of scientists claim that the world needs wind. They This may sound strange to outsiders of the club, “It will definitely make students consider forced stairs were slippery or that Biden was practicing for claim that it is especially important now because the but to the members, it is just another Tuesday. “We marriage,” claims Mr. Baffoe, “and they will not his role as Jesus in an upcoming White House holiday world is looking for renewable energy options and take an unconventional approach to learning at hesitate to discuss it with each other.” The student production of The Passion of Christ, which would wind is one of them. Talk Tuesday meetings,” explains club moderator body has always been avid about discussing the have explained why he fell three times, White House One NASA scientist claims to have solved the and resident sensei, Tim Baffoe. “This film may films shown during Talk Tuesday meetings. It Deputy Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre dismissed energy crisis. She proposed placing a wind turbine on be another throw away comedy to most, but we is common to walk the halls on a Wednesday all of these viable options. Biden’s head. look between the scenes to see what is really being morning and hear arguments over the previous Instead, she went on to assure the public that there is “This seems like a no-brainer,” said Dr. Ellen Stofan, said.” He went on to discuss how the club is able to afternoon’s Talk Tuesday film. nothing wrong with Biden’s health because a natural current John and Adrienne Mars Director of the synthesize political statements from one-line jokes As the Talk Tuesday team prepares for its weekly phenomena made him fall. “It’s pretty windy outside,” Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum and and determine the meaning of hidden messages meeting and showing of Wedding Crashers, Owen she noted. “It’s very windy. I almost fell coming up former NASA scientist. “The wind is obviously at- used in hand gestures made by characters. Wilson and Rachel McAdams have refused to the steps myself. The public has not seen an American tracted to the president. It also seems to be immensely Wedding Crashers follows the story of two men comment on the film’s human rights implications. President get blown away this bad since Jimmy stronger when blowing at the president. One wind who crash weddings for entertainment but become However, a representative from New Line Studio Carter insisted on building a house in the middle of a turbine on the president’s head might be strong enough too involved in the family behind one. The main claims, “I have no idea what you guys are talking tornado.” Overall, Jean-Pierre concluded that the wind to provide energy for the entire United States.” character falls in love with a bride who is being about. It’s just a comedy movie.” was so strong, it blew Biden over. Some voters are calling on Representative Alexan- pushed into a wedding she does not want. The club An anonymous source claims that North Korea has dria Ocasio-Cortez to add this solution to the Green uses this to claim that crashing weddings is the best halted all nuclear bomb testing because Kim Jong-un New Deal that she has spearheaded, but she and way to end forced marriages. It interrupts the care- said that if he wants to take down the United States, all Biden have yet to comment on any potential addition fully-planned flow of the ceremony and celebration North Korea needs to do is blow a moderately strong regarding wind. enough to completely unravel the entire event. Talk amount of air on Biden. Therefore, he is working on Tuesday students claim a ruined wedding day for infiltrating the Secret Service with a “wind man.” This some people is the price of saving some from being undercover agent will blow on Biden whenever he forced into marriage. The casualties of a human walks up stairs. rights fight come with the territory. In addition to Russia is also taking action because Vladimir Putin promoting wedding crashing, the club members has scientists building a wind machine that will be advertise the free food and champagne that come placed on the Cuban coast, directed at the United with the life-saving action. States, and blowing all the time. Putin claims that it Opponents of the club’s interpretation of the film will be so strong, Biden will never be able to stand The president clinging for dear life as he argue that Wedding Crashers serves only to dimin- up again. Multiple media outlets have begun using braces a zephyr. ish the seriousness of forced marriages. Some have the term “Cuban Wind Crisis” in their coverage of Puppeteer strings discovered on Biden’s back CHRISTIAN MORALES ’23 After President Joe Biden recently tripped while walking up the stairs of Air Force One, many what appears to be a mannequin. “I feel like all of what I’ve been told over the years about Joe reporters saw what looked to be strings coming from the bottom of his suit coat. Many dismissed Biden as a consummate leader was a lie.” the strings, as they though they were just a part of President Biden’s suit, but this reporter for The Many people, however, were not shocked when the news broke out. “I’ve been saying this the Natir let their curiosity get the best of them. whole time, but y’all wouldn’t listen to me!” said Jan Jansen, a Republican from Wisconsin. I followed the President to Washington, D.C., and from there to the White House. Then I no- “How could people not have seen that Sleepy Joe was a simple puppet of the radical Demo- ticed that Vice President Kamala Harris was carrying Biden. Upon arriving at the White House, I crats?” said Brian Balder, a Donald Trump supporter from Michigan. positioned myself at the windows of the Oval Office. Even some prominent Democrats weren’t surprised. “I’ve known this the whole time,” said After an hour of waiting, Harris finally arrived, still carrying Biden in her arms and then plac- Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Why else would we have Joe run? For him to implement ing him in his seat. For an hour, Biden sat there lifeless. I immediately realized that Biden wasn’t his own policies? C’mon.” a real person; he was, instead, a puppet of Kamala Harris. Senator Chuck Schumer had similar comments as well. “Joe is just the catalyst to further our I couldn’t believe it, especially since I had covered news on Biden since his days as Obama’s agenda,” said the majority leader. vice president. I’ve heard the jokes that Biden was a puppet of the Democratic Party, but I The person who was least surprised, however, was former-president Trump. “I knew it!” said thought they were all baseless rumors being spread by conspiracy theorists or half-hearted jabs Trump on his new blog. “What did I say? I’ve been saying it for years. How could people not from political opponents. have noticed? I’m very perceptive. Look at Joe, he’s always so sleepy. Bad circadian rhythms, Biden supporters around the country shared their shock and dismay. “I’m speechless,” said right, folks? Always stuttering too. I don’t stutter. Great command of the language. Hey, this is Claire de Lune, a Biden supporter from his home state of Delaware, though maybe he was your ‘President’ now. At least I didn’t fall asleep during press conferences. I’m telling you, I’m manufactured in China for all we know. always right and the Radical Left Democrats are always wrong, and they’re using Sleepy Joe as “I can’t think of anything to say,” said Floyd Pink of Oregon, another person who voted for their catalyst to destroy democracy in America. Please hit the donate button to bring America BACK!” Republicans have already started impeachment charges against President Biden, though consti- tutional scholars are debating whether impeachment rules apply to an inanimate object.

STRITAHS.COM A3 • SPORTS THE NATIR • MAY 2021 White Sox fans on edge during quest for another first round exit JAKOB MARSZEWSKI ’22 Scholastic Bowl team After almost ten years of “rebuilding,” the celebration of the previous year’s season, in Chicago White Sox are looking as promising which they finished tied for second place in stripped of Regional as ever. With a core of promising young play- the division and got eliminated in the first ers mixed with seasoned, skilled veterans, fans round by the Oakland A’s. The celebrations Championship after are optimistic about the team’s success in the of the disappointing end to the season were controversial drug test 2021 season. explosive then, so one can only imagine what PATRICK SWANSON ’22 But fans are also obviously on edge in this will occur if the team loses in the first round Step aside, College Admissions Scandal. There’s a new young season, taking every single game ex- two years in a row. academic controversy in town. tremely seriously while trying to protect their Chicago Cubs fans around the city seem As the beginning of the 2020-21 Scholastic Bowl season quest for another first round loss. Players are fearful of the Sox fans’ optimism. approached, the St. Rita Mustangs flew under the radar, trying their absolute best to win, or else they “It just feels like we’re not gonna be Chi- not even receiving an honorable mention in the Chicago will face endless ridicule by social media us- cago’s team anymore,” said Northsider Jim Sun-Times Top 25 preseason rankings. Overshadowed by ers saying that their season is over. Klutarski. “Just one more first round exit, and the hype surrounding other Mustang athletic teams, few “With these Roberts [sic] and Jimenez they’ll be taking the crown away from us as were talking about the Schol-Bowlers. Things had been looking up for the team just a year guys, we’re finally getting high hopes,” said the best baseball team in the city.” before, with a promising roster filled with underclassmen fan Marty O’Callaghan. “We might be able So far this season, the White Sox are cur- talent. With twin powerhouses Sean and Patrick Nellis to go over .500 again and, get this, we might rently doing one thing that the Cubs can’t: leading the charge, the sky was the limit for the program. even snag the bottom seed wild card spot and hitting the ball. It seems that in the most The Scholastic Bowl world was shaken up after the twins get swept. It’s almost like ’05 all over again recent years, the teams have been battling to announced that they would be leaving St. Rita to enter the baby!” see which can be more disappointing, and this transfer portal, ultimately taking their talents to Marist The signing of Tony La Russa, the club’s year doesn’t seem to be different. High School. The news new manager, will also help the Sox’s chances. Clearly, Sox fans are optimistic about their crushed Mustang fans and left the remaining roster shaken and unsure of its identity. With morale low and Although many were skeptical due to La team’s chances. Usually, Sox fans would set- expectations even lower, not much was expected of the Russa’s age and him not having an active role tle for any finish that gave them napoleonic team. with a team in years, Rick Hahn backed up the bragging rights over Cubs fans. Regardless Nonetheless, the Mustangs operated in silence over the hiring in a press conference. of the standings, they would start arguments offseason. To everybody’s surprise, after a touch-and-go “We are very optimistic about Tony’s suc- with Northsiders over how the Sox, a mediocre regular season, the Mustangs made a deep playoff cess to rejoin our franchise,” said the Sox GM, team that barely hangs on to a winning record, “as he will bring us the energy, knowledge, were better than the Cubs, a team with the and experience needed to greatly help the most recent World Series title. Now, Sox fans club.” can finally back up their arguments and trash Many questioned how a 78-year-old man talk with a winning record. who hasn’t managed in ten years could bring energy to the club. However, La Russa’s legal troubles make it clear that he is the life of the party, and the energy will surely be high after the team celebrates clinching the eighth playoff seed by spraying champagne in the clubhouse. Still, critics early in the season have already IHSA noted Eric Seo easily holding the plaque with one cited La Russa’s open admission on separate arm as evidence of malfeasance. occasions that he was not aware of certain game situations. The manager said that did run, winning the Regional Championship. This run was not recognize that pitcher Lucas Giolito was so unexpected that the IHSA issued the whole team a fatigued in the seventh inning of an April “random” drug test. They collected the disposable masks 27 loss to the Detroit Tigers. Giolito would after the contest ended and swabbed the saliva left inside. say after that game that he was “running on Breaking the hearts of many, the Mustangs’ Cinderella fumes.” La Russa also admitted that he was story ended abruptly and they were stripped of their title not aware that he could have used Jose Abreu upon multiple tests returning positive for performance as the free runner at second base to start the enhancing drugs (PEDs). The IHSA states that they were 10th inning of a May 5 loss to the Cincinnati confused about the presence of the drugs stanozolol, a Reds instead of closer Liam Hendriks, leaving banned horse steroid, and apoaequorin, sold in the US the high-priced relief pitcher to risk injury by under the brand name Prevagen, seeing as they did not running the bases. Multiple Sox players try to avoid showing their embarassment as improve the performance of the team in any way. a half-dead Giolito is removed from the game. “I was really just trying to get that twelve bucks,” said Sox fans are still recovering from the senior team member Nick O’Neill, referring to the settlesettle- ment in a class action lawsuit against Prevagen’s alleged false advertising. The IHSA decided that the Mustangs must be made an example out of and ended their Cinderella story well before midnight. The team denies these claims and chalks Seahawks hold Wilson hostage, Bears fans them up to be nothing more than a conspiracy and smear campaign. They plan to challenge the ruling and will take welcome Dalton to Chicago this to the Supreme Court if necessary. PATRICK SWANSON ’22 As the Bears ended another season not good enough to While they did not end up with Wilson, rational Bears fans make a meaningful playoff run but not bad enough to have stormed the comments of Andy Dalton’s latest Instagram a good draft pick, free agency loomed right around the cor- post (wishing his son a happy 4th birthday) to express their ner. The biggest talk of the town was potentially acquiring excitement about his signing. Welcoming comments came Seattle Seahawks All-Pro quarterback Russell Wilson. from all over. The most sacked quarterback of the 2020-2021 season Tonywright2 wrote, “I’m sorry but please don’t sign that had voiced some complaints about the Seahawks organiza- Chicago deal, I’ll give everything I own for you not to tion and his future with the team. Naturally, Bears fans de- come to Chicago man please.” User lil_arod99 wrote, cided that Chicago was his destination after he mentioned “Don’t you dare come to Chicago….” how he could tolerate a trade there. The Bears did all they Others focused on the birthday aspect of the post like could to acquire the star quarterback, offering Khalil Mack, tommy.sullivan843, writing, “Please retire ASAP.” They the next 10 years worth of first round picks, and the Willis followed this comment with a reassuring, “Kid’s dope tho.” Tower, but only if the Seahawks call it “Sears Tower.” With morale at an all time high, there is no reason why the Despite their best efforts, the Seahawks decided to hold Bears can’t improve to 9-7 next season. Wilson hostage, but Bears fans weren’t going to give up without a fight. Set on signing a star quarterback head- UPDATE: The Bears traded up for Fields, throwing a major ing into next season, the Bears signed Dallas Cowboys wrench into the Dalton optimism. quarterback Andy Dalton to a one-year, $10 million deal. The Bears’ Twitter account encapsulating fan sentiment.

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