Adult Bullying How to Recognize it and Deal with it Effectively

Michael R. Weber, Ph.D. Port Washington-Saukville School District [email protected] We all have an innate desire for happiness and comfort. Even our youth have this innate desire for happiness and comfort. We think clearer, accomplish more, and live healthier. When harassed, belittled, or criticized, happiness and comfort suffer significantly. The definition of a “bully” is someone who persistently uses intimidation and manipulation to get his or her way. Not all people who harass, criticize, or gossip about others are classified as bullies. Regardless, the recipient feels the same. Tagging someone as a bully is less important than identifying the bully-type behavior and protecting yourself. We will focus on the hurtful behavior and not the “evil” person. Focusing on the “evil” person produces hate, gets us nowhere, and increases the other person’s control over us. This hurtful behavior can be student to student, adult to student and adult to adult. So what can we do? There are three categories:

I. Understand the types of bullying behavior.

II. Be aware of the psychological realities.

III. Use proven techniques to combat bullying and harassment. I. Understanding the Behavior I. Understanding the Behavior

. Gives you a sense of control. . Helps you develop anti-bullying strategies. . Allows you to “outwit” their behavior. . Helps keep you from getting caught off guard. Five Types of Bullying and Harassing Behavior 1. People who use harassing, negative, and bullying behavior oftentimes feel inferior to you.

. Two of our greatest fears are not being enough and not having enough. . By focusing on other’s faults, the attention is off their shortcomings. . They may see you as a threat. . Sometimes they so they can feel taller. 2. Most people have a sense of remorse and compassion, which controls behavior so as not to hurt others. Some people have an absence of remorse and compassion. . With no remorse, bullying behavior is hurtful and aggressive. Logical empathetic reasoning is unproductive and only increases bullying behavior.

. This type of no-remorse behavior needs to be hit head-on. 3. The third type of harassing, bullying behavior comes from self-righteousness.

. Perception that they are superior and better than others. . Belittle and talk down to others. . They disdainfully lecture the “little people” about how things ought to be. . Their values are superior to yours, and they will use whatever means necessary to force their values on you. 4. The most difficult component of adult bullying behavior is that there are no negative consequences. Therefore:

. They keep doing it. . They get reinforced for their bullying behavior. . When no one confronts their behavior or holds them accountable, the advantages of bullying outweigh the disadvantages, because there are none. 5. When people are suffering, physically or psychologically, it is difficult to focus on anything other than their own pain.

. They will say and do things they would normally not do. . They can become angry, overly sensitive, and envious of you. II. Psychological Realities Do not internalize the bullying behavior. You are not the problem. The problem is the bully. Never blame yourself for being harassed or bullied. You are not responsible for the bullying. It probably started long before you met up with the person over something you have no control. People will put a negative label on you, not because of anything you have done, but because of their own pain and heartache. “There is a point of basic human dignity in every person which must never be offended.”

~ Norman Vincent Peal

It is the seat of self esteem and self respect. Harassing and bullying behavior can permeate this point of human dignity. If this happens repeatedly, the person suffers the most painful form of self-dislike, which can create changes in personality. In children, that basic point of human dignity is even more sensitive. “Negative words can destroy a person.”

(Joel Olsteen) “Our words affect our children’s future for either good or evil.”

(Joel Olsteen) Additional Psychological Realities

Harassing and bullying behavior says more about the other person than it does you. You are actually stronger and more mentally stable than they are.

Hurting people hurt others. We all enter into what Richard Carlson calls thought attacks. The more we think about a negative event, the more exaggerated it becomes. Do not let their negative words take root. Do not let their negative words take root. Your Line of Life

A B

Frustration Neutral Stress Normal Depression Feeling pretty good Anxiety Your Line of Life

A B C

Frustration Neutral No-limit living Stress Normal Total wellbeing Depression Feeling pretty Independent of the good good opinion of others Anxiety Highly Spiritual Your Line of Life

A B C

As we move toward C, we gain in personal power.

Thus far, we have discussed:

I. Understanding the types of bullies II. Psychological realities III. Proven Techniques to Combat Bullying and Harassment Become a Verbal Samurai Become a Verbal Samurai

“A man does what he must – in spite of obstacles, dangers, and pressures – and that is the basis of all human morality.” ~ John F. Kennedy III. Proven Techniques to Combat Bullying and Harassment

Yes, it will take

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the resistance of fear and the ability to walk through the fear. III. Proven Techniques to Combat Bullying and Harassment

First and foremost, do not hire them.

We use a 12-question positive attitude survey during the interview process for all hires. 1. Get your facts straight by writing them down to help prevent “thought attacks”. 2. Write down the best solution to the situation. 3. What small steps can you take to resolve this issue? Use a log book or note taking app to record the details of each incident. Include dates, times, who was involved, bystanders, and witnesses. Keep a strong, upright posture, walk and sit with confidence. Keep you head up and walk with determination. Push back respectfully. Let others know you do not want to be treated in such a manner.

For example… Use phrases such as:

. “What did you just say to me?” (This keeps the attention on the misconduct)

. “Your language (behavior) is over the top, and if you want to speak to me, you must be respectful.”

. “I will no longer tolerate your abusive behavior, so our conversation is over.” Call them on their bullying and harassing behavior by focusing on them and their behavior, not on how it makes you feel. Use the word you instead of I because it puts the focus directly on them.

Weak statement:“I don’t appreciate your comments.” Instead say: “You need to talk to me more respectfully.” When you use I, it does not motivate them to quit. It actually reinforces them. Team up with others to confront the behavior. A show of force can be very effective. It also provides you with a support group/person for yourself. Tell someone higher up in the organization and ask for assistance to corral the “bully” and get him/her under control. The only people the bullies admire are those who do not allow them to get away with the behavior. Therefore, ignoring is rarely successful. Take command of the situation and do what is necessary to stop the attack by staying calm, assertive, respectful, and factual. For example:

“Fred, before we start the meeting, you need to be calmer and more respectful to the group. You have much to contribute and we want to hear from you, but it must be respectful without interrupting others and without complaining. Only then are you welcome to stay.” Be firm and clear when stopping harassing or bullying behavior. Become positively intolerant by having pre-thought out directives, which establish your boundaries and are not open to discussion.

. “You need to rethink how you talk to me about this topic.” . “Your negative, prejudiced comments are inappropriate.” Make sure your comments are directives and not open for discussion. Don’t make “feely” comments, looking for an apologetic response – you won’t get it. Be firm and clear in setting the boundaries. Yes, it will take courage. People who use bullying/harassing behavior function at a low primitive brain level – what is reinforced escalates and what is punished goes away. Have the courage to “punish,” not reinforce. Pattern Interrupt: We all have predictable patterns of behavior. When we interrupt our “patterns” by body posture, facial expressions, and verbalizations, it stops people in their tracks, gets attention, and sets your boundaries. With a boss or supervisor, you can try talking to them alone. You can also develop a support network of others. You can talk to his/her boss. You can dust off your resume. Instead of yelling back, pull out a note pad and pencil and say, “Now would you repeat what you just said so I have it for the record?” or “Just a minute. Say that again so I can write it down for the record.” How do you know which technique to use? Listen to your intuition. Sometimes you have to go with your gut. Analyze your own behavior to see if you are encouraging the harassment or bullying. Develop verbal and body language techniques to stop it. Please keep in mind this psychological observation:

“… bullies generally are emotionally stunted humans in that they have some problems within themselves that cause them to seek temporary pleasure by targeting their anger, misery, etc. on to somebody else.” ~ Alex Gadd Maintain your sense of humor and positive attitude. It helps you have the energy to handle the bullies.

“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.” ~ Anonymous Maintaining your own emotional stability, self-confidence, and attitude helps you handle bullying and harassing behavior.

“If you don’t leave me alone, I will find someone who will.” ~ Anonymous Portray an enthusiastic/positive attitude. People do not harass/ bully positive energetic people, because they cannot get to them. Use Reframing Turn a harassing and bullying comment in a more positive direction to communicate the message that their comments do not bother you. For example: “Sorry you are disappointed in my performance. I got your last report done early and thoroughly so you were well prepared to present it to the Board of Directors. This one will also be done on time.” (Then walk away, do not wait for a response or for them to frame it back to a negative.) Be impervious to teasing bully behavior by giving body language that says, “I am so bored with this”. You can also agree and exaggerate a teaser bully’s behavior. For example, if he/she ridicules your perceived lack of computer skills, you can say: “Yeah, if someone asks what kind of computer do you have, I say grey.” III. Proven Techniques to Combat Bullying and Harassment

Remember, if they cannot get to you, you are no fun, so they will . “Whenever I was upset by something in the paper, Jack always told me to be more tolerant, like a horse flicking away flies in the summer.” ~ Jacqueline Kennedy IV. Ten Elements of an Effective Bully Prevention Program Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

1. Focus on the environment. 2. Form a group to plan and coordinate activities. 3. Garner adult support for bullying prevention. 4. Assess the extent of the bullying. 5. Train adults on identifying and preventing bullying. IV. Ten Elements of an Effective Bully Prevention Program Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

6. Establish and enforce rules and parameters. 7. Increase supervision in hot spots for bullying. 8. Intervene consistently and appropriately. 9. Focus some classroom time on prevention and intervention. 10. Continue these efforts over time - There should be no end date. Model what you expect - be an absolute role model.

. If you focus on negative things, such as bullies, that is what you’ll see.

. If we focus on kindness and respect that is exactly what we’ll see.

In Conclusion:

I. You now understand the types of bullying behavior. This will give you power and strength.

II. You are now aware of the psychological realities of harassing behavior. This will keep you from blaming yourself and will maintain your positive self-esteem.

III. You can now hold your own against bullying and harassing behavior by practicing any of the 30 specific suggestions. You have become a Verbal Samurai. From this point on, you will never become the victim again. So, have some fun with your “bullies,” because you are now in control. RESOURCES

1) Take the Bully by the Horns by Sam Horn 2) Beat the Bully: A Guide to Dealing with Adult Bullying by Alex Gadd 3) What Happy People Know by Dan Baker 4) Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer 5) The Bully at Work: What You Can do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job by Gary Namie and Ruth Namie 6) Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies and Bullying at Work by Margaret Kohut 7) Adult Bullying: Predators and Victims by Peter Randall 8) Adult Bullying, School Administrator, December 2014, by Michael R. Weber 9) U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Adult Bullying How to Recognize it and Deal with it Effectively

Michael R. Weber, Ph.D. Port Washington-Saukville School District [email protected]