Bridge Humor
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
Bridge Humor A bridge duffer was polishing a lamp and... poof! Out popped a genie who said, “I will grant you one wish.” The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in Peace and harmony.” “You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.” The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge player.” “Hmmm …” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again!” ***** A bridge player who can't defend accurately should try to be Declarer. ***** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***** A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game: “Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table.” “Gee,” his friend said, “How do you get any sleep?” ***** A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied: ‘Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments I heard a man say: “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got!” Another man said: “I got strength, but no length!” A third man said to the lady: “Take your hand off my trick!” I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered: “You forced me! You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise!” Another lady was talking about protecting her honor, and two others were talking when one said: “Now is the time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.” Well, I just got my coat and hat but as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn’t say: “Well I guess we’ll go home now! This is the last rubber!” _____________________________________________________________________ 1 A contestant in a tournament suddenly slumped down in his chair, victim of what seemed like a seizure or fit of some kind. A doctor was hastily summoned. He took the stricken man's pulse and noted that it was steady and firm. Obviously it was no heart attack. From the victim's white face and clammy hands the doctor surmised that this was a case of shock. A bridge player himself, he picked up the victim's cards and studied them. He then turned to the others at the table. "Now let me have a review of the bidding," he requested. ***** A doctor concerned about the physical condition of one of his bridge-playing patients, during a regular check-up visit asked, “Do you get much exercise?” “Only when I sit East-West,” was the reply. ***** ***** A fellow had made a bad bid and gone down 1400. “I’m sorry,” he said to his partner, “I had a card misplaced”. “Only one?” asked his partner, innocently. ***** ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** The word “finesse” is defined as a refined gesture or articulation incorporating a delicacy of manipulation. If one doesn’t understand that, under no circumstances attempt to have it explained by bridge players. ***** After another bad result, North tore off a miniscule portion of the score slip, threw it at partner, and said: “Write down everything you know about Bridge and your name and address on there!” ***** After you have played to the first trick, you cannot ask to review the bidding, but you can ask Partner’s name – again! ***** An irate tenant says to the custodian of his apartment complex: “I thought this place allows no dogs? How come every time I am ready for bed, I keep hearing ‘ruff ruff’ from next door? _____________________________________________________________________________ An old guy goes to the doctor complaining that he has "silent gas emissions". He goes on to explain that while playing bridge that morning he had 6 silent gas emissions. At lunch he had four, and while he was there talking to the doctor he had another four. "Can you help me, Doc?" he pleads. The doctor replies, "Yes, and the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing." ***** A Lady is playing in her first duplicate game and overhears an expert proclaim, “Alert!” The lady replies, naively, “I am alert!” ***** 2 A man has a severe heart attack and is rushed to the hospital emergency room. The admitting nurse says, “I’m sorry, you will have to wait in line!” “But I might be dying!” says the man. “Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available” says the nurse. Then the ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, “She was in a terrible accident, and has just stopped breathing!” “I’m sorry”, says the nurse, “she will have to wait in line!” Next, a man walks into the room without assistance, whispers something to the nurse, and is then taken immediately into the examination room, surrounded by doctors. “What’s this?” says the first man. “How come he goes right in?” “Oh,” explains the nurse, “he is a bridge player and his partner just passed his cue- bid!” A man in Connecticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the Refrigerator which read: “I have gone to the bridge club. There’ll be a recipe for your Dinner at seven o’clock on Channel 2.” _________________________________________________________________________ A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day he notices a speck on the horizon, and he watches intently as it draws near. “It can’t be a boat,” he thinks. “It can’t be a fish.” Suddenly, a beautiful woman emerges from the sea wearing scuba gear and a wet suit. “Hi there!” she says. The man is amazed. “But... but… how did you get here?” “Never mind,” says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the man a cigarette. “Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years!” “Enjoy!” says the woman as she unzips the right pocket other wet suit and gives the man a flask of whiskey. “I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!” Next the woman starts to unzip the hog zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. “Now I’ve got something you really want.” “What!” he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too!” An engineer shouts in his cell phone: “There is no goddamn bridge here! Only a bunch of crazy people gathering around card tables...” 3 A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girl friends one evening. "Oh, no!” said the woman “I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed! When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt." ***** A well-balanced player makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play. ***** A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no,” she says, “I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time.” When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.” Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.