Bridge Humor

A bridge duffer was polishing a lamp and... poof! Out popped a genie who said, “I will grant you one wish.”

The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in Peace and harmony.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”

The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge player.”

“Hmmm …” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again!”

***** A bridge player who can't defend accurately should try to be Declarer. *****

------

***** A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game: “Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table.” “Gee,” his friend said, “How do you get any sleep?” *****

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied: ‘Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments I heard a man say: “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got!”

Another man said: “I got strength, but no length!” A third man said to the lady: “Take your hand off my trick!”

I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered: “You forced me! You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise!”

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor, and two others were talking when one said: “Now is the time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.”

Well, I just got my coat and hat but as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn’t say: “Well I guess we’ll go home now! This is the last rubber!” ______

1 A contestant in a tournament suddenly slumped down in his chair, victim of what seemed like a seizure or fit of some kind. A doctor was hastily summoned. He took the stricken man's pulse and noted that it was steady and firm. Obviously it was no heart attack. From the victim's white face and clammy hands the doctor surmised that this was a case of shock. A bridge player himself, he picked up the victim's cards and studied them. He then turned to the others at the table. "Now let me have a review of the bidding," he requested.

***** A doctor concerned about the physical condition of one of his bridge-playing patients, during a regular check-up visit asked, “Do you get much exercise?”

“Only when I sit East-West,” was the reply. *****

***** A fellow had made a bad bid and gone down 1400. “I’m sorry,” he said to his partner, “I had a card misplaced”. “Only one?” asked his partner, innocently. *****

------***** The word “finesse” is defined as a refined gesture or articulation incorporating a delicacy of manipulation. If one doesn’t understand that, under no circumstances attempt to have it explained by bridge players. *****

After another bad result, North tore off a miniscule portion of the score slip, threw it at partner, and said: “Write down everything you know about Bridge and your name and address on there!”

***** After you have played to the first trick, you cannot ask to review the bidding, but you can ask Partner’s name – again! *****

An irate tenant says to the custodian of his apartment complex: “I thought this place allows no dogs? How come every time I am ready for bed, I keep hearing ‘ruff ruff’ from next door? ______

An old guy goes to the doctor complaining that he has "silent gas emissions". He goes on to explain that while playing bridge that morning he had 6 silent gas emissions. At lunch he had four, and while he was there talking to the doctor he had another four. "Can you help me, Doc?" he pleads. The doctor replies, "Yes, and the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."

***** A Lady is playing in her first duplicate game and overhears an expert proclaim, “Alert!” The lady replies, naively, “I am alert!” *****

2 A man has a severe heart attack and is rushed to the hospital emergency room. The admitting nurse says, “I’m sorry, you will have to wait in line!”

“But I might be dying!” says the man.

“Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available” says the nurse.

Then the ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, “She was in a terrible accident, and has just stopped breathing!”

“I’m sorry”, says the nurse, “she will have to wait in line!”

Next, a man walks into the room without assistance, whispers something to the nurse, and is then taken immediately into the examination room, surrounded by doctors.

“What’s this?” says the first man. “How come he goes right in?”

“Oh,” explains the nurse, “he is a bridge player and his partner just passed his cue- bid!” A man in Connecticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the Refrigerator which read: “I have gone to the bridge club. There’ll be a recipe for your Dinner at seven o’clock on Channel 2.” ______A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day he notices a speck on the horizon, and he watches intently as it draws near. “It can’t be a boat,” he thinks. “It can’t be a fish.” Suddenly, a beautiful woman emerges from the sea wearing scuba gear and a wet suit. “Hi there!” she says.

The man is amazed. “But... but… how did you get here?”

“Never mind,” says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the man a cigarette.

“Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years!”

“Enjoy!” says the woman as she unzips the right pocket other wet suit and gives the man a flask of whiskey.

“I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!” Next the woman starts to unzip the hog zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. “Now I’ve got something you really want.” “What!” he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too!”

An engineer shouts in his cell phone: “There is no goddamn bridge here! Only a bunch of crazy people gathering around card tables...”

3 A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girl friends one evening. "Oh, no!” said the woman “I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed! When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

***** A well-balanced player makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play. *****

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no,” she says, “I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time.”

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. “You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!

How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his paws.”

4 ______***** Be an expert! Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down on a squeeze play. ***** ______

Bill: My cardiologist says I can’t play bridge.

Tom: Why not? Do you have a heart problem?

Bill: Nope. He’s just played with me enough to know I’m hopeless.

______

Bridge is a game of inches, too bad I always have my foot in my mouth.

Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster!

Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a substantial number of antisocial people.

Bridge is like sex: if you don't have a good partner you had better had a good hand.

***** Count both your losing and your winning tricks. If the total does not come to 13, count your cards. *****

Daffy Bridge Definitions

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate Doubleton — 4,000 pounds Dummy — (see below). Partner — (see above). A Free Bid — all of them, once you pay your entry fee Jack Denies – Headline about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with JFK The Gerber Convention — The annual meeting of baby-food manufacturers Jack Denies — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K. Key-Card Blackwood — an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam off the ace of trumps Law of Total Tricks — recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution Quick Tricks — last-minute scurry by hookers to beat the ordinance A Negative Double — the one that gets wrapped around your neck

5 A Reverse Bid — an opening like “Club One.” Roman Discards — Caesar’s trash Short Club — a private organization for midgets Splinter Bid — the only known way to become Declarer with a singleton trump in each hand. Texas Transfer — relocation to a branch office in Dallas Trump Coup — triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony Trump Echo — a brand new casino in Atlantic City Vienna Coup — the mating sound of Austrian doves Wolff Sign-off — the ending of Little Red Riding Hood

Jan: Why did you lead the nine from K-9-7-5-2? Sue: I play fourth best. Jan: Then why not the five? Sue: Darn! I always forget which end to count from

______

***** Did you ever notice that experts avoid the use of Blackwood, and novices use Blackwood with a void? *****

Did you hear about the lady who always went down one in 3-NT? When asked about this she said she was just following her teacher’s advice: “Eight ever, Nine never.”

______

Did you hear that Bob won’t be going to any more bridge tournaments because of his arthritis?

Joe: Has he seen a doctor? Jim: Yes, he’s been to many doctors. Joe: Can’t they eliminate the pain? Jim: Oh, sure! But they also eliminated all his money.

***** Did you know? 43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail. 62.7 percent of all bridge players are women! And 97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up! *****

***** Do you know what the difference is between a mad psycho serial-killer and a bridge partner? You can reason with the serial killer. *****

Drawing on psychology, the novice bridge teacher said, “Anyone who feels stupid, please stand up!”

6 After a few seconds, one gentleman from amongst the bridge students, stood up. The teacher asked, “Do you think, you are stupid, sir?” “No ma’am”, he said, “I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

During World War II a U.S. Air Force plane was forced to ditch in the ocean, and four survivors managed to reach a small deserted island. “Let’s send up a signal flare,” said the first aviator. “Won’t work!” said the second. “Let’s build a fire so they’ll see the smoke.” “No!” said the third. “We’ll need all the wood to build a shelter.” “Whoa!” said the last, an avid bridge player. “Let’s just shoot down another plane so we can have a team game.”

______

Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge in a house in Hendon. Bette sighs and says, "Oy..." Freda nods, and then sighs and says: "Oy vey!" Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!" Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

FROM THE DICTIONARY OF BRIDGE

A person who … …. makes up his/her own bidding rules = an Independent Player …. talks a lot at the table = one with good communication skills …. Offers plausible excuses for bad plays = a quick thinker

***** Giving a class on how to get rid of losers, the Bridge Teacher prepared a lesson hand and then asked this lady how she planned to get rid of her losers. She said: “I am going to lose them right away so I don't have to worry about them any more." *****

“I'd like a review of the bidding with all the original inflections.”

If you have the slightest touch of masochism, you'll love the game of Bridge!

If you play bridge with your wife as partner, you need at least 20 points to open, and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.

I'm not sure whether Glory or Master points is first on any Bridge Player’s list, but I know learning to play better is definitely last.

In Bridge, the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

***** In a beginner's class, there was a lady who, when playing a hand, was afraid to lead any suit that didn't have an ace. Finally, she had to lead up to a KJ combination and

7 was petrified. Her teacher explained to her that if she thought the ace was to her left, to play the king and if she thought the ace was to her right, to play the jack. She was still petrified to play either one. The teacher said: "Play whichever one you want, but just tell me what you are hoping for." "O.K., I'll play the king.” "And what are you hoping for?” "I'm hoping they’ll make a mistake." *****

In Bridge, a good bid is one that resembles the cards you hold!

I never net a man I didn’t like, except the idiot who doubled my slam. ______I prefer light opening bids. When you're my age, you're never sure that the bidding will get back around to you in time. It is not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning player. There aren't enough intricate ones. It is the ability to avoid messing up the easy ones.

I promote myself as one of the great bridge theorists … but only after I have seen all four hands!

It’s not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning player, for there are not enough of them. It’s the ability to avoid messing up the easy ones that really matters.

It's not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for some that belong to the Opponents.

“I would have led my singleton, Partner, but I couldn’t find it~- it was so small!” ______Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game of bridge; his wife plays twice as well.

Joshua is out shopping in the shopping centre when he bumps into his friend Sam outside the jewelers. Sam has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "Hi Sam," says Joshua, "what have you been buying, may I ask?" "Well, to tell you the truth," replies Sam, "it's my wife’s birthday tomorrow and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said, 'Oh, I’ll leave it up to you, darling, but how about something with lots of diamonds in it.'" "So what did you purchase for her?" asks Joshua. "I bought her two packs of Bridge cards," replies Sam.

Learn from the bridge mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Learning she was going to have twins, the bridge-playing wife said, "That's just like my husband, doubling me when I'm vulnerable."

8 “Lucky we don’t have bridge players for neighbors, otherwise our street will become a dump site in no time. All they ever talk about is discard this, and ditch that” ______***** Never accept a free finesse. If you can’t afford to pay for it, just charge it! *****

***** Never preempt against weak players because it takes away all those level that they could be using to confuse themselves. *****

***** One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice at playing atrocious contracts. *****

On their wedding night a couple arrives at their hotel and the phone rings. The husband answers and talks with his friend about a bridge hand. The conversation continues for hours as the friend tells him how he went down in 6-Spades. When it finally ends, the distraught wife, in tears, says, “How can he be so inconsiderate? That was terrible!”

“You’re right, honey! All he had to do was take a finesse.”

**** Overheard at the bridge club: We had a 75-percent game last night! Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots.

Overheard at the Bridge Table:

“I don’t know what North was thinking of doing, but it is just as well he didn’t.” “That’s unfair, North and South were having a good time and then suddenly, East turned nasty and doubled.” “When in doubt, put the opponents on lead. Why should you make all the mistakes?” “No double, no trouble!” “He may bid and he may not! I believe that covers all the possibilities!” “Sorry Partner, I would have led my Singleton, but I could not find it – it was so small!”

***** People with small minds, talk about other people. People with ordinary minds, talk about events. People with great minds, talk about ideas. People with warped minds, talk about bridge hands. *****

**** Playing good bridge is 80% statistics and the other half is luck!

Question of one bridge player to his partner: “How should I have played that Hand?”

Answer from his partner: “Under an assumed name!”

------

9 Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping Partner avoid mistakes.

Said one bridge player, to his newly-met partner after the first hour of play: “I can see that you are just learning to play the game. Tell me, what time today did you start?” At a social bridge party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am. I married the wrong man.”

Sorry, partner. I would have led my singleton... but I couldn't find it -- it was so small.

Says Declarer to Dummy after Dummy first tables his cards, “Where is the hand you held during the bidding?” *** South: “Alert!” East: “Yes?”

South: “I'm requested to further miss-describe my hand so that partner may misconstrue what I have.” *****

------

Speaking of morons: Did you hear about the guy who wanted to learn bridge in one day? He bought 35 copies of "Five Weeks to Winning Bridge."

Speaking to one’s bridge Partner, “Your play was much better this evening, and so were your excuses!”

***** Sue: “Do you play M-U-D?” Sally: “No, I never heard of it.” Sue: “Then what do you lead from three-small?” Sally: “Fourth best, I guess!” ***** ______**** The benefit of bad bidding in Bridge is that you get to play some atrocious contracts.

The expert was playing a very tough hand in a tournament. He had led a card from Dummy and the innocent-looking girl on his right hesitated for a long while before then following suit. The Declarer then led the suit again and the girl showed out. Annoyed at the girl’s previous hesitation, the expert said: “You had a Singleton, why did you hesitate?” “Yes,” said Miss Innocence, smiling, “But it was tricky, wasn’t it?”

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude. During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

10 Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!" John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!"

------

***** There are three kinds of bridge players: 1: Those who can count, and 2: Those who can't. *****

There once was a player from Beirut who thought he would try to be cute. He overcalled “A Spade” and died as he played. The post-mortem: a four-card suit.

The true test of a good bridge player isn't in keeping out of trouble, but, rather, in escaping once he's in it.

The teacher called on six-year-old Johnny, the bridge player’s son, to count for the Class. “One, two, three,” began Johnny, “four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten-uh, Jack, Queen, King, Ace.”

The trouble with women is that they treat bridge as a game. They do not realize it is a war.

There once was a lady from Bess, who found a new way to finesse, She made up excuses, to lead up to deuces, and loses without having to guess! ------

They were at a concert. Said she, a bridge addict, "What's that book the conductor keeps looking at?" "That's the score," answered her escort. "Oh. Who's vulnerable?"

To conclude a heated auction, an expert player makes a forceful bid of 3 Spades whereupon his LHO doubles, followed by three passes. The expert looks at his LHO and says: “Do you know who I am?” The LHO says: “Yes, I know who you are!” The expert then says: “Do you know how many Master Points I have?” The LHO says: “No, but do you know how many Spades I have?”

Too bad, partner, that was an unlucky grand slam. The ace of trumps was off side.

Two elderly men, avid bridge players, Sam and Arthur, receive some bad news: Arthur is dying.

Sam says to Arthur, “Please, Arthur, when you get to Heaven, somehow send me a message and let me know if there is any bridge up there.” Arthur says that he will try.

Arthur passes away and a week goes by, with not a word from Arthur. Then suddenly, Sam gets a call. “Sam”, says Arthur, “There’s good news and there’s bad news. The

11 good news is that there is Duplicate Bridge up here on Tuesday, and Thursday. The bad news is that you are playing!”

Two elderly women have been playing bridge together for many, many decades. One day at their regular duplicate game, one of them says: “Now dear, I know we’ve played together for many years, so please do not be upset, but could you please remind me of your name? I just can’t bring it to mind!” The other lady glares at her for a moment, then replies: “How soon do you need to know?”

**** Two married couples who regularly played bridge together were playing one week and took a break between hands. The wives went to the kitchen to get refreshments and the following conversation took place back at the bridge table. George: "You know Harvey, you're doing much better this week as far as remembering what's trump who played what and everything" Harvey: "Yea, George, I took one of them memory courses" George: "Really, which one did you take?" Harvey: "Let me think... ah ….ah a red flower ... ah… ah.... It had thorns” George: "A rose?" Harvey: "That's it!" says George, yelling into kitchen! "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory course I took?" ------***** Want to be a bridge expert? Rule #1: Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down on a squeeze play! *****

We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.

**** We had a 75-percent game last night! Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots. ______“What grounds do you cite for divorce?” asked the Judge. “Infidelity, your honor”, says the woman. “I overheard my husband gloating to his chum on the phone the other night on how he managed to strip-squeeze some minx called Vera at which time she quickly surrendered to him.”

***** When I take a 50% likely finesse in bridge, I expect to pull it off 8 or 9 times out of 10. *****

When the Dummy’s hand hits the table, Declarer is heard to say: "Where's the hand you held during the auction?"

12 While giving a man a physical a doctor noticed dark ugly bruises on the man’s shins, so he asked. “Mr. Smith! Do you play hockey, soccer, or any other physical sport?”

“No!” said the man, “I just play bridge with my wife!”

------

***** Why is it that experts sometimes avoid the use of the Blackwood Convention, and novices use the Blackwood Convention with a void? *****

My partner is a well-balanced player He makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play. ______

There were only two acceptable excuses for not leading the suit your Partner has opened: having no cards in the suit, and sudden death.

You know you're in trouble when the first thing the opponents decide to do is draw trumps, and you're the Declarer.

*****After lecturing a bridge class on how to get rid of losers, the bridge teacher presented a lesson hand and asked a student how he was going to get rid of his losers. He said: "I am going to lose them right away, so that I don't have to worry about them any more." *****

A bridge teacher was giving a class on counting losers and started out by saying: “This is a class on identifying losers.” A voice from the back of the class piped up: “Where were you when I needed you 30 years ago?”

Explaining an opening lead bridge protocol, the teacher told a student to make her opening lead face down. The student promptly put her head on the table face down and led her card face up…

Drawing on psychology, the novice bridge teacher said, “Anyone who feels stupid, please stand up!” After a few seconds, one gentleman stood up. The teacher asked, “Do you feel stupid, sir?” “No ma’am”, he said, “I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

At a social bridge party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am. I married the wrong man.”

13 Advice to all Declarers! Count both your losing tricks and your winning tricks. If the total does not come to thirteen, count your cards, one or more may be on the floor.

According to the latest Bridge Bulletin published by the American Contract Bridge League, there are only five real authorities on Bridge in this country. Odd how often you get one of them as your Partner!

After losing at a Bridge game, the wife glared at her husband and said, “I had four Aces and three Kings. What in the World did you bid No-Trump on?” He replied: “Two Jacks, two Queens, and four Martinis!”

20 ****

There are three simple rules for perfecting your bidding methods, your playing skills, and your defensive strategies. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

No 5-trick set doubled should be considered a failure. It can always be used as a bad example.

The difference between a brave bid and a foolhardy bid is largely a matter of result.

“That’s unfair, North-South was having a good time, and suddenly East-West turned nasty and doubled.”

When in doubt, put the Opponents on lead. Why should you make all the mistakes.

If you are a good enough Player, you can get away with making mistakes because nobody will believe it!

In order to teach the Opponents not to pre-empt against you, one must not only double them, one must also beat them!

Some Players bid 3-NT over their Partner’s 3-level pre-emptive suit bid on the theory that it is more dignified to go down in a game-level contract.

Bridge Club

33 I’m Giving Up Bridge (Tongue in cheek)

I’m giving up bridge,- tonight’s my last night, It’s Amen to Stayman, I give up the fight. The insults and muddles are giving me troubles, I can’t sleep at night for thinking of doubles. My cards are all rotten, and I have forgotten Who has played, what’s trumps, and what’s been “sluffed” On my right! So for now it’s all over, I’m off to the backwood, I’m bidding good-bye to Gerber and Blackwood. I can’t stand the hassle; I can’t stand the pain, I’m getting those bad cards, again and again. I’m giving up Bridge, tonight’s a bad night, Declarer is horrid, and nothing’s gone right. My partner’s a dope and I’m losing all hope, And when he says “double,” l know we’re in trouble. My points are not high, and I’m wondering why He kept on bidding right up to the sky. We’re in seven spades and my hope suddenly fades, When surprise, surprise - the high bidding pays. We’re winning all the tricks, the defenders feel sick, And I have to admit, my partner’s a brick. But I’m giving up bridge; tonight is my last night, Farewell to the conventions, I give up the fight! So I leave with few words, even some that are true, Bridge is a game, not for me, but for you. So be kind to your partners, of this I do speak, For it’s only a game, so I’ll see you next week!