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The Answer Shouldn't Surprise You at All. It's Clearly a Dog

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The Answer Shouldn't Surprise You at All. It's Clearly a Dog 9 ue ss Thursday, March 22nd, 2012 , I Right II X The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University l. o Referencing Daytime Gameshows . since 1886 V Adorable w w w . t h e s la Puppy Dog? n t .n et OR CRIMINAL MASTERMIND? The answer shouldn’t surprise you at all. It’s clearly a dog. THISJUSTIN 2,000 Different Rappers Cur- Sorority Girl Reports Meteorologists Say Spring is rently Claiming Title of “Best Feeling a Bit Uneasy All Here to Stay Rapper Alive” Weekend; Unable to Put a fan, Kyle Bond, said “Clearly at Finger on Why By: Dan King is here I can finally wear my By: Richard McGee least 1,999 of these rappers are Springer Fan shorts. And because spring Murder Man lying about being the best. I will never be going away, I’ll just don’t know how I can take By: Jessica Ayers weekend or something, but The country’s top me- never have to stop.” A report released by the In- anything they say seriously he agreed to, finally.” teorologists have come out Students all around cam- stitute for Hip-Hop Studies now.” Minority Minor Upon further investiga- with a joint statement letting pus are excited for the perma- at New York University has The Slant was able to inter- Vanderbilt Kappa, Scarlett tion, it was discovered that America know that “Spring nent arrival of spring. Nicole found that no fewer than 2,000 view MC 2 Much, one of the O’Hara, sought out a Slant O’Hara’s heebie-jeebies were has arrived, and we believe it Rose says “I treat every single rappers accross the United 2,000 rappers identified by reporter after she was unable not an isolated incident. The is here to stay.” change of the seasons like it is States are currently claiming name in the study. Mr. Much to determine why she was on PCC reported several in- The statement continues permanent. It’s nice to know to be the “Best Rapper Alive.” did attempt to justify his claim edge this past weekend. She stances of heightened anxi- “We aren’t sure how or why, that I’m actually right about it Many rap fans are shocked to the title, saying “I don’t know said the sense began to creep ety. They are treating O’Hara but we believe that the inevi- this time.” by the results of this study. what these other rappers are in as early as 7pm on Wednes- as “patient zero” and using table onslaught of the seasons Meteorologist ‘Rainstorm’ These results fly in the face of talking about, but according to day, but got especially potent her to determine the com- has been stopped and that McAllister says that he is just conventional wisdom which all the research I’ve done, I am during Saturday and Sunday. monalties between reported our world will exist in per- as surprised as anyone that says that fans can trust all the the best rapper alive. I can’t be “I don’t know, it’s just this cases. petual springtime for the rest spring will never be leaving things that rappers say on held responsible for it if other looming sense that some- “It seemed to be some sort of eternity.” us. “Obviously, whenever stage. people don’t believe me.” thing was a little… off,” of 24 hour flu, thankfully,” a The news that spring the seasons change, we all Rodney Poundstone, who In the wake of this news, O’Hara said. “It’s nothing I PCC doctor reported. “How- would be here forever has assume it will be permanent. has been listening to rap mu- some have begun to call for could really put my finger ever, it is important we try lead to jubilation across And then when the season sic for several decades, says he government oversight of the on. I mean, Rand was a little and understand why such re- Vanderbilt’s campus. Emilee changes again, we’re all terri- was shocked and disappointed rap community. An oversight more crowded, and there was ports are given.” Porter, A&S sophomore says bly surprised. But this time… to read this study. “As a rap body would be able to verify or a longer wait at Chili’s, but People have reported this she is excited for “Perpetual this time we really think this fan, I expect a lot of these per- deny claims of rapping prow- there wasn’t anything special sense of unease after per- sundress weather! I’m super stuff is here to stay.” formers. The only way for me ess, and would also be able to going on this weekend.” forming such everyday ac- excited because I get to wear Not everyone is pleased to enjoy this music is if they research similar claims regard- “I thought perhaps it had tions as walking on West End, my favorite dresses, spend with the perpetual spring- respect that bond of trust. If I ing time spent selling drugs to do with allergies. Or, peo- lounging on Alumni Lawn, time out in the sun, and smell time, though. Vanderbilt’s can’t trust a rapper to be hon- and/or in jail. ple have been really stressed and studying at the library. all the blooming flowers. I’m Association of Allergic Stu- est about his status as ‘best Not everyone wants over- out about school lately; that In unrelated news, the glad that spring will never be dents, or AA, says that they rapper alive,’ then what’s next? sight, though. Lil Wayne, a could have been it.” visitors of Mosaic weekend going away.” are terrified at the prospect Are you going to tell me that New Orleans-based rapper, Smartly, O’Hara took pre- seemed to enjoy Vanderbilt. The Slant was able to talk to of never-ending pollen spores Lil Wayne doesn’t really have was unusually candid with The cautions against the feeling On their list of pros includes: one student, John Jablonows- in the air forever. AA presi- a big penis that women like to Slant, saying “I’ve made a liv- of uncertainty by having her beautiful greenery, rigorous ki who reacted to the news dent Erin Illdiore says she put in their mouths?” ing making crazy claims that BETA boyfriend walk her academics, and a good party by setting fire to all his long “May have to move up north Other rap fans have been nobody can possibly research. home after a “bitchin’ rager” scene. Their only real con pants. “Won’t be needing to somewhere without trees similarly devastated by what If y’all start looking into this Friday night. “He didn’t want was a complaint that there these any more!” Jablonowski because (sneezes) I can not many are calling rap music’s stuff now, I’m gonna be out of to at first, because he said seemed to be a lot of nervous shouted. “Now that spring handle this.” “Watergate moment.” One a job real quick.” the girls were way hotter last looking blonde girls. INSIDETHISISSUE Reach Harmony With Earth 2 Spread Happiness 3-4 Rid World of Disease 5 Share All Wealth, Resources 6 4 6 7 World Peace Achieved! 7 Local Man Knows Plot to “Game of This Guy... Definitely Something Smell Indicates Area Tree Belongs Bonus Page 8 Thrones” Better Than Own Life about This Guy to Area Dog 2 GOD’SWILL 3 The Slant - www.theslant.net -March 22, 2012 The Slant - www.theslant.net -March 22, 2012 FROM THE EDITOR Fucked Image Actually Inside This Issue Usually I like to make a big joke of this column by bla- Culture Corner: 2 tantly plagiarizing it from look down two inches....................... some other person. But for this issue I’m going change Pub Orders: 6628, you’re next!........................................3 things up and instead speak from my heart about our Just a friendly heads- up most recent issue. from the bio lab: our ex- Triumphs of Civilization: All of them.....................4 As I’m sure many of you periment didn’t exactly know, this issue was pulled work out as planned. So keep an eye out for Failures of Civilization: Some of them....................5 DAN KING from the racks because of its offensive cover. Our or- this little guy growing on some trees. ganization has faced a lot of Hunger Games: This is your spoiler alert..................6 criticism concerning that cover, and all of it was deserved. It is clear to our entire staff that run- ning that cover was a serious mistake. Around the Loop: Faster than light.............................7 As much as I’d like to (especially in this in- stance), I can not change the past. But I can take TOP TEN: 8 this opportunity to bring up some important Feelings................................................................. questions about what we do here. See, there are a lot of people in the comedy world who pride themselves on their ability to make jokes about serious topics. They adopt an attitude where anyone who is offended by their humor ‘Just doesn’t get the joke,’ or ‘needs to CULTURE CORNER! loosen up.’ Over the past few weeks I’ve spent a lot of God Sends Pre-Spring Break Hailstorm in time thinking about this kind of humor. And it seems to me that these people don’t fully under- stand the power present in our language and in Attempt to Prevent Debauchery our laughter. This attitude assumes that because something is a joke, it has no power. As someone By: Sam Mallick makes me insignificant in the greater scheme of things.
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