Week 25 Seinfeld part 1 Written by: Larry David and Bill Masters
Episode no. 28 pc: 3103, season 3, episode 11 Broadcast date: December 4, 1991 The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld...... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander...... George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus...... Elaine Benes Michael Richards...... Cosmo Kramer
Opening monologue. Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves1. Wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that.
First scene. Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment. Jerry: Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front. George: Was the alarm on? Jerry: I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it2 like it's my son. George: I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car? Jerry: They cross the wires or something. George: Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti. Kramer enters. Jerry: They stole my car. Kramer: Who did? Jerry: They did. Kramer: Was it more than just one? Jerry: What should I do? Should I call the police? Kramer: What are they gonna do? Jerry: I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service. George: Maybe you should call your car phone. Jerry: Yeah, he's probably driving it right now. George: Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens. Jerry: Are you serious? George: Yeah, go ahead, call. Jerry: I don't even know if I remember the number. Jerry: What do I say if he picks up? Car thief: Hello? Jerry: Hello? Is this 555-8383? Car thief: I have no idea. Jerry: Can I ask you a question? Car thief: Sure. Jerry: Did you steal my car? Car thief: Yes I did. Jerry: You did?! Car thief: I did. Jerry: That's my car! Car thief: I didn't know it was yours. Jerry: What are you gonna do with it? Car thief: I dunno, drive around. Jerry: Then can I have it back? Car thief: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it. Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone. Kramer: Hello? Car thief: Yeah, who's this? Kramer: Kramer. Car thief: Hello, Kramer. Kramer: Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment3. Car thief: Wait, hold on... Brown ones? Kramer: Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building, it's 129 West 81st St. Car thief: One-two-nine, okay. Kramer: Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry. Jerry: Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello? Car thief: Jerry? Jerry: Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires? Car thief: I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it. Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully. Car thief: Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up4? Because I can't find the-- Jerry hangs up. Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. George: Who's Sid? Jerry: He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block. George: What do you mean? Jerry: He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket. George: What, do you pay him for that? Jerry: Yeah, like fifty bucks a month. George: How many people does he do that for? Jerry: The whole block, forty, fifty cars. Kramer: He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been doing that for years, right Jerry? George: Could anybody do that? Sid enters. Jerry: Hey Sid, what happened? Sid: I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff. Jerry: You left the keys in the car? Sid: Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen5 movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted. Kramer: You know I'm in that movie? George: You are? Kramer: Yeah, I'm an extra. George: How'd you get that? Kramer: Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me. George: Right out of the clear blue sky6? Kramer: Clear blue sky! George: Well, why didn't they ask me? Kramer: I got a quality. Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right? Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one. Sid: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it. Jerry: This Wednesday? Sid: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday. Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday. Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday. George: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away? Sid: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want. George: Maybe I could move them until you get back. Sid: What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work? George: I'm in a transition phase7 right now. Sid: Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all. Phone rings. Jerry: Hello? Yeah, the defroster's8 the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome.