The Funny Farmers Summer 2015 Show Week Two Version Three Updated June 10, 2015
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The Funny Farmers Summer 2015 Show Week Two Version Three Updated June 10, 2015 Opening Sketch (FINAL DRAFT) Sarah: Hold on a minute there, Mr. Peck. Mr. Peck: Huh? What? What’s going on guys? We have to start the show. Sarah: Folks, let’s admit it, we all have unhealthy obsessions. Things in our lives that we take a little to far. We collect a little too much of something. We eat a little too much. We binge watch a TV program. Hudson: And let’s not get started on Sarah’s obsession with used postage stamps. Sarah: How do you know about that? Mercer: Sarah, it’s pretty obvious. Quinn: Yeah, 15 of them fell out of your sketchbook in the Anime class. Sarah: It’s a nasty habit, I’m trying to break it. Avery: Mine is worse. I have the world’s largest collection of designer tutus. Mason: But there is one obsession that trumps all of ours. Thomas: Mr. Peck’s obsession with Doctor Who. Mr. Peck: It’s not an obsession. I’m just a fan. Erin: Just a fan? Mr. Peck, you own every Doctor Who DVD. Mr. Peck: So what? A lot of people own DVDs. Christian: You subscribe to Doctor Who Magazine. Mr. Peck: I like to stay informed about behind the scenes scoops. Jackson: We have physical proof that you dress up as Doctor Who! Mr. Peck: Yes, and so did about 100 other people at Dallas Comic Con. Mia: You have two TARDIS mugs on your desk! Jack: And a little toy TARDIS! You’re a grown-up! Explain it! Mr. Peck: Those have been gifts from students, including you Jack. You’re not going to win this argument. Ashton: He’s got us guys. We’ll have to take drastic steps. It’s time to go to… Plan 38. All: (Gasp) Not Plan 38! Sarah: Ashton, are you sure? We might lose Mr. Peck. It could be fatal! Mr. Peck: Wait, what? Fatal? Mac: It’s either that or we’ll have to release the Drashings from the Scope on Inter Minor, and then we’ll…what am I doing? I’m starting to TALK like him now! Mr. Peck: That’s good. You’ve taken your first step into a larger world. Sarah: Ok, now we know he’s really obsessed. Any one who uses a line from Star Wars to talk about Doctor Who clearly has a problem. It’s time for some comedy therapy with the help of 15 very experienced Doctors. All: And live from Lamplighter, it’s the Funny Farmers! The Doctor will see you now, Mr. Peck Mr. Peck: The Doctor? Doctor Who? All: (Groan) Jack: Hello, I’m the first doctor to treat Mr. Peck. I’ll use attacking animals like lions and tigers and bears. (Mr. Peck says OH MY). I’ll throw marmosets at him, along with a few snakes. I am…Doctor Zoo… Waffles by Jack (FINAL DRAFT) Person 1: Ashton Person 2: Hudson Person 3: Jack Narrator: Erin Mom: Avery M: Ok kids, what do you want for breakfast. P1: Just cereal mom. P2: I’d love bagels, please. P3: Waffles. M: Sorry honey, we’re out of waffles. Have something else. (Exit) Narrator: The next day… M: (Enter) Ok kids, time for breakfast. P1 I’d love some toast, please. P2: Can I have some oatmeal? P3: Waffles, waffles! M: Sorry honey, I told you, we don’t have any waffles. (Exit) Narrator: This went on for weeks. One month later… M: (Exit) Ok kids, it’s Saturday. It’s special breakfast day. P1: I’d love pancakes. P2: French toast for me. P3: (sad and tired) Waffles, waffles, waffles, waffles, waffles. M: Ok sweetie, I’ll make you some waffles. I got them from the grocery store. (Brings out a plate). P3: (He shakes his head no and pulls out a picture of bacon) Waffles! P1: What? That’s not waffles! That’s bacon! P2: Ug! You’re so annoying. M: Sweetie, didn’t they teach you the difference between waffles and bacon at school? P3: What’s school? (Falls asleep) Narrator: This has been another of our 531 reasons why your child needs to go to Lamplighter. Thomas: I’m the second doctor who is going to treat Mr. Peck with his obsession. I’m going to use only one color, but many shades of the same color. Royal…steel…sky…baby…light…dark…that’s right, I am…Doctor Blue… The Pickle Shop by Thomas (FINAL DRAFT) Pickle Employee: Jackson Customer 1: Thomas Customer 2: Mia Pickle Manager: Mac PE: Welcome to Pickles R Us folks. We sell everything from pickled coleslaw and pickled carrots to pickled green beans and pickled ginger. Any pickles you want. That’s right. Any kind. C1: Do you have normal pickles? C2: Yeah, those pickles are great. PE: No we don’t. Those pickles are too normal. C1: How dare you not sell normal pickles? C2: We demand to see your manager! PM: I’m right here. What seems to be the problem? C1: We want some normal pickles! C2: But this guy says you don’t carry any of them! PM: That’s right. We stopped selling normal pickles back in 1963. C1: This is a pickle shop! How can you not sell normal pickles? C2: We’re leaving! (Exit) PM: Why were they so mad? PE: Beats me. Do you want to try some of the new pickled peppers we got in today? PM: You mean the ones from Peter Piper? PE: Yup. PM: Ok. PM/PE Now where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Mia: I’m the third doctor who is going to treat Mr. Peck. I’m just going to make him cry a lot. I am…Doctor Boo Hoo… Ciley Myrus and the Wrecking Ball by Mia & Sarah (FINAL DRAFT) Ciley Myrus: Quinn Bustin Jieber: Mercer Harry Styles: Mason Narrator: Sarah Christian: Mia N: Once upon a time, there was a girl named Ciley Myrus. Her boyfriend, Bustin Jieber, was trying out her wrecking ball. She had it mounted over a lava pit, just for fun. P1: (Pokes head out of back stage) Wait, shouldn’t that be a becking wrall? N: (Pushes P1’s head back) Be quiet. And now, on with the sketch… B: (To Ciley) Can I take a ride on your wrecking ball? C: Sure, but don’t fall into the lava because you’ll explode. B: I won’t do that. That would be really dumb. Who do you think I am, Justin Bieber? N: What Bustin didn’t know was that the chain on the wrecking ball was about to break…because Ciley started cutting pieces off it earlier that day. She was mad at Bustin for going out on dates with Selena Gomez. P1: You mean Gelena Somez. N: Will you get out of here? B: Hey narrator, what to hear a joke? N: Bustin, you’re not doing your job. You’re supposed to be looking scared. B: You’ll love this one. N: No I won’t. B: How do you wake up Lady Ga Ga? N: (Sighing) How? B: You poke her face! (He laughs). N: That’s so not funny. C: I’ve got a better one. N: Someone get me out of this sketch. C: Who is the best rock singer to work in a barbershop? N: Any of them! They all need a haircut. C: No! Harry Styles. HS: Did someone call for me? B: No Harry, we were just making a joke. N: You can leave now. HS: Ok, but I’ll have to leave the same way I came in. All: Why is that? HS: Because I can only go in One Direction. All: (Groan) Mercer: I am the fourth doctor to treat Mr. Peck. I think he needs to hear some honesty. Some cold, hard facts. He needs a large dose of reality. That’s why he needs me. For I am…Doctor True… The Chubby Guinea Pig Interview by Mercer (FINAL DRAFT) The Chubby Guinea Pig: Mercer The Interviewer: Quentin The Cameraman: Christian All actors on stage to act like audience) CM: Stand by everyone! We’re back from commercial in 5…4…3…2…(makes silent cue gesture) I: And we’re back, folks. Welcome back to Talk Show Talk Show with your host, me. Our first guest today needs no introduction, but let’s give him a big round of applause. It’s a guinea pig! (Audience claps) CGP: Thanks…(thinks about what the guy’s name is)…man. I: Ok then, I have to ask you a couple of questions. CGP: Ok. I: Did you ever think you would make millions of dollars out of your technique for making vegetables taste like bacon? CGP: I did, but I didn’t do it alone. We at Munchies and Co. have many people who inspired us to make these fine bacon flavored carrots and squash. I: Oh really, who were they? CGP: Well, this may surprise you, but I actually learned a lot from Dr. Seuss. CM: Dr. Seuss? That’s nuts! This guinea pig can read? CGP: I’ve learned that people CAN like new foods by reading Green Eggs and Ham, and I’ve traveled all around the world with Oh The Places You’ll Go. CM: I think our talk show has sunk to a new low. I: That’s all very fascinating guinea pig. But I’m afraid we’ve just about run out of time.