The Funny Farmers Summer 2015 Show Week Two Version Three Updated June 10, 2015

Opening Sketch (FINAL DRAFT)

Sarah: Hold on a minute there, Mr. Peck. Mr. Peck: Huh? What? What’s going on guys? We have to start the show. Sarah: Folks, let’s admit it, we all have unhealthy obsessions. Things in our lives that we take a little to far. We collect a little too much of something. We eat a little too much. We binge watch a TV program. Hudson: And let’s not get started on Sarah’s obsession with used postage stamps. Sarah: How do you know about that? Mercer: Sarah, it’s pretty obvious. Quinn: Yeah, 15 of them fell out of your sketchbook in the Anime class. Sarah: It’s a nasty habit, I’m trying to break it. Avery: Mine is worse. I have the world’s largest collection of designer tutus. Mason: But there is one obsession that trumps all of ours. Thomas: Mr. Peck’s obsession with Doctor Who. Mr. Peck: It’s not an obsession. I’m just a fan. Erin: Just a fan? Mr. Peck, you own every Doctor Who DVD. Mr. Peck: So what? A lot of people own DVDs. Christian: You subscribe to Doctor Who Magazine. Mr. Peck: I like to stay informed about behind the scenes scoops. Jackson: We have physical proof that you dress up as Doctor Who! Mr. Peck: Yes, and so did about 100 other people at Dallas Comic Con. Mia: You have two TARDIS mugs on your desk! Jack: And a little toy TARDIS! You’re a grown-up! Explain it! Mr. Peck: Those have been gifts from students, including you Jack. You’re not going to win this argument. Ashton: He’s got us guys. We’ll have to take drastic steps. It’s time to go to… Plan 38. All: (Gasp) Not Plan 38! Sarah: Ashton, are you sure? We might lose Mr. Peck. It could be fatal! Mr. Peck: Wait, what? Fatal? Mac: It’s either that or we’ll have to release the Drashings from the Scope on Inter Minor, and then we’ll…what am I doing? I’m starting to TALK like him now! Mr. Peck: That’s good. You’ve taken your first step into a larger world. Sarah: Ok, now we know he’s really obsessed. Any one who uses a line from Star Wars to talk about Doctor Who clearly has a problem. It’s time for some comedy therapy with the help of 15 very experienced Doctors. All: And live from Lamplighter, it’s the Funny Farmers! The Doctor will see you now, Mr. Peck Mr. Peck: The Doctor? Doctor Who? All: (Groan)

Jack: Hello, I’m the first doctor to treat Mr. Peck. I’ll use attacking animals like lions and tigers and bears. (Mr. Peck says OH MY). I’ll throw marmosets at him, along with a few snakes. I am…Doctor Zoo…

Waffles by Jack (FINAL DRAFT) Person 1: Ashton Person 2: Hudson Person 3: Jack Narrator: Erin Mom: Avery M: Ok kids, what do you want for breakfast. P1: Just cereal mom. P2: I’d love bagels, please. P3: Waffles. M: Sorry honey, we’re out of waffles. Have something else. (Exit) Narrator: The next day… M: (Enter) Ok kids, time for breakfast. P1 I’d love some toast, please. P2: Can I have some oatmeal? P3: Waffles, waffles! M: Sorry honey, I told you, we don’t have any waffles. (Exit) Narrator: This went on for weeks. One month later… M: (Exit) Ok kids, it’s Saturday. It’s special breakfast day. P1: I’d love pancakes. P2: French toast for me. P3: (sad and tired) Waffles, waffles, waffles, waffles, waffles. M: Ok sweetie, I’ll make you some waffles. I got them from the grocery store. (Brings out a plate). P3: (He shakes his head no and pulls out a picture of bacon) Waffles! P1: What? That’s not waffles! That’s bacon! P2: Ug! You’re so annoying. M: Sweetie, didn’t they teach you the difference between waffles and bacon at school? P3: What’s school? (Falls asleep) Narrator: This has been another of our 531 reasons why your child needs to go to Lamplighter.

Thomas: I’m the second doctor who is going to treat Mr. Peck with his obsession. I’m going to use only one color, but many shades of the same color. Royal…steel…sky…baby…light…dark…that’s right, I am…Doctor Blue…

The Pickle Shop by Thomas (FINAL DRAFT) Pickle Employee: Jackson Customer 1: Thomas Customer 2: Mia Pickle Manager: Mac PE: Welcome to Pickles R Us folks. We sell everything from pickled coleslaw and pickled carrots to pickled green beans and pickled ginger. Any pickles you want. That’s right. Any kind. C1: Do you have normal pickles? C2: Yeah, those pickles are great. PE: No we don’t. Those pickles are too normal. C1: How dare you not sell normal pickles? C2: We demand to see your manager! PM: I’m right here. What seems to be the problem? C1: We want some normal pickles! C2: But this guy says you don’t carry any of them! PM: That’s right. We stopped selling normal pickles back in 1963. C1: This is a pickle shop! How can you not sell normal pickles? C2: We’re leaving! (Exit) PM: Why were they so mad? PE: Beats me. Do you want to try some of the new pickled peppers we got in today? PM: You mean the ones from Peter Piper? PE: Yup. PM: Ok. PM/PE Now where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Mia: I’m the third doctor who is going to treat Mr. Peck. I’m just going to make him cry a lot. I am…Doctor Boo Hoo…

Ciley Myrus and the Wrecking Ball by Mia & Sarah (FINAL DRAFT) Ciley Myrus: Quinn Bustin Jieber: Mercer Harry Styles: Mason Narrator: Sarah Christian: Mia

N: Once upon a time, there was a girl named Ciley Myrus. Her boyfriend, Bustin Jieber, was trying out her wrecking ball. She had it mounted over a lava pit, just for fun. P1: (Pokes head out of back stage) Wait, shouldn’t that be a becking wrall? N: (Pushes P1’s head back) Be quiet. And now, on with the sketch… B: (To Ciley) Can I take a ride on your wrecking ball? C: Sure, but don’t fall into the lava because you’ll explode. B: I won’t do that. That would be really dumb. Who do you think I am, Justin Bieber? N: What Bustin didn’t know was that the chain on the wrecking ball was about to break…because Ciley started cutting pieces off it earlier that day. She was mad at Bustin for going out on dates with Selena Gomez. P1: You mean Gelena Somez. N: Will you get out of here? B: Hey narrator, what to hear a joke? N: Bustin, you’re not doing your job. You’re supposed to be looking scared. B: You’ll love this one. N: No I won’t. B: How do you wake up Lady Ga Ga? N: (Sighing) How? B: You poke her face! (He laughs). N: That’s so not funny. C: I’ve got a better one. N: Someone get me out of this sketch. C: Who is the best rock singer to work in a barbershop? N: Any of them! They all need a haircut. C: No! Harry Styles. HS: Did someone call for me? B: No Harry, we were just making a joke. N: You can leave now. HS: Ok, but I’ll have to leave the same way I came in. All: Why is that? HS: Because I can only go in One Direction. All: (Groan)

Mercer: I am the fourth doctor to treat Mr. Peck. I think he needs to hear some honesty. Some cold, hard facts. He needs a large dose of reality. That’s why he needs me. For I am…Doctor True…

The Chubby Guinea Pig Interview by Mercer (FINAL DRAFT) The Chubby Guinea Pig: Mercer The Interviewer: Quentin The Cameraman: Christian All actors on stage to act like audience)

CM: Stand by everyone! We’re back from commercial in 5…4…3…2…(makes silent cue gesture) I: And we’re back, folks. Welcome back to Talk Show Talk Show with your host, me. Our first guest today needs no introduction, but let’s give him a big round of applause. It’s a guinea pig! (Audience claps) CGP: Thanks…(thinks about what the guy’s name is)…man. I: Ok then, I have to ask you a couple of questions. CGP: Ok. I: Did you ever think you would make millions of dollars out of your technique for making vegetables taste like bacon? CGP: I did, but I didn’t do it alone. We at Munchies and Co. have many people who inspired us to make these fine bacon flavored carrots and squash. I: Oh really, who were they? CGP: Well, this may surprise you, but I actually learned a lot from Dr. Seuss. CM: Dr. Seuss? That’s nuts! This guinea pig can read? CGP: I’ve learned that people CAN like new foods by reading Green Eggs and Ham, and I’ve traveled all around the world with Oh The Places You’ll Go. CM: I think our talk show has sunk to a new low. I: That’s all very fascinating guinea pig. But I’m afraid we’ve just about run out of time. Is there anyone out there in TV land you’d like to say hi to? CGP: I’d just like to say, to all the guniea pigs in the world, nibbles! I: Indeed. And thank you for being here, guniea pig. And thank you for watching viewers. We’ll see you next time. (Audience claps) CM: And we’re clear. That’s it! I’m sick of all the crazy guests! This is supposed to be a nice normal talk show! I’m out of here! I’m going to get a job at Munchies and Co. CGP: Welcome aboard, new employee!

Jackson: I’m the fifth doctor to treat Mr. Peck and I don’t play nice. I’ll kick him with a boot. I’ll smack him with a high heel. I’ll knock some sense into him with a size six. I am…Doctor Shoe…

Jackson Has No Emotion by Jackson (FINAL DRAFT) Jackson: Jackson Person 1: Thomas Person 2: Quinn Person 3: Mac Hudson: Hudson

J: (Angrily) Ladies and gentlemen, as you may know, for the past three years, I’ve been part of a sketch called Jackson Is Happy, where I have to come out on stage and say yay and clap at ridiculous things. Well, I’m sick and tired of it! I’m tired of being happy, sad and mad! P1: You are being mad right now. J: Whatever. (Pause) Hey! That’s my new catch phrase! Whatever. From now on, I have no emotion. P2: Jackson, you just got a new unicorn! J: Whatever. (Claps slowly) P3: Jackson, you now own Microsoft! J: Whatever. (Claps slowly) P1: Jackson, here’s a plate of spaghetti made personally by a celebrity chef. J: Tasty, but whatever. (Claps slowly) P1: I think we need to try something else. P2: Yeah. This new Jackson sketch isn’t working. P3: We need to think of a new concept. Let’s ditch this turkey. J: Wait, what? New concept? You can’t do that to me! I’m a Funny Farmer’s tradition! P1: Jackson, face it, your new sketch is like the flu. J; Huh? What do you mean, like the flu? P2: They’re both bugging us. P3: I’ve got it! It’s perfect! The new sketch is…Hudson is loud! Hudson: (Entering) That’s a great idea! Jackson: No, it’s not! We all know Hudson is loud! That’s just a fact! It’s not funny! Hudson: (Loudly) Hudson is loud! Yay! P2: I think we’ve made a huge… Hudson: (Loudly) And loud! P3: Mistake. Hudson: And now it’s time for my sketch, but first… (We continue straight into the next sketch)

Hudson: I am the sixth doctor to treat Mr. Peck and I think he just needs to stay on a nutritious diet. Some milk. Some cheese. Some fat free yogurt. Some sugar free skim milk ice cream. Because I…am Doctor Moo…

Hudson Is Loud by Hudson (FINAL DRAFT) Hudson: Hudson New P1: Mason New P2: Ashton New P3: Jack Jackson: Jackson

Hudson: And now, my new recurring character! Jackson: I’m going to sue you for this Hudson! Hudson: Get him off stage, Sarah. (She does) Jackson: No! Don’t take me! You’re a dead man Bloom! P1: (Entering) Hudson, you just got a fake version of the video game Pong. Are you happy? Hudson: (Loudly) It depends on what kind of mood I’m in! I could be happy or sad! P1: Ouch, my ears (Exits). P2: (Entering) Hudson, you just got a new Volkswagen! Hudson: (Loudly) Cool! Is it big? P2: Ouch, no it’s small, like the size of my eardrums. Hudson: (Loudly) Awesome! The smaller the worse! P2: Ouch! (To the audience) Mommy, I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done to you. Just get me out of this show. (Exits) P3: (Entering wearing headphones; gives a thumbs up) Hudson, you just got a rock. Hudson: (Loudly) Is it my pet? P3: Yup. (Exits) Hudson: Yay! (He jumps up and down and claps his hands). Jackson: (Entering) Hey Hudson, I just got a contract in the mail. They want me to make a “Jackson Is Happy” movie, so we don’t need you any more. Hudson: (Loudly) Wow, that’s great! I…(Quieter) Wait, what? Jackson: I also just got off the phone with the Dallas Police. They’re giving you a ticket for noise pollution. Hudson: A ticket? Me? I’ll be grounded for the rest of my life! Jackson: All I can say is whatever. Hudson: That’s it, I give up on this sketch. No more Hudson is loud. Jackson: (Thumbs up) Yay!

Christian: I am the seventh doctor to treat Mr. Peck. He doesn’t need all of that crazy stuff. He just needs someone to listen to him and pour him a glass of tasty chocolate goodness. That’s right. I am…Doctor Yoo Hoo…

The Flamingo Riding A Bike by Christian (FINAL DRAFT) Mr. Flamingo: Avery Car: Quentin Mike: Christian Narrator: Erin

Flamingo: Hi Mike. Mike: Hi Mr. Flamingo. Your feathers are looking…what are you doing? Flamingo: Look at me! I’m riding a bike! Mike: A flamingo riding a bike? That’s amazing! Car: Hi Mike. What’s up? Are you ready to take me for a drive? Mike: Hi Car! Not right this second. Look at that! Mr. Flamingo is riding a bike! Car: What? Flamingo: Hi Car! Mike: How did you learn how to ride a bike? Flamingo: I started practicing about a week ago. Mike: Can you teach my dog how to ride a bike? Flamingo: Absolutely! Car: I wish I could learn how to ride a bike. I only have wheels and they won’t reach the pedals. Flamingo: I can make you special pedal adapters for your wheels. Car: You rock! Mike: I don’t know how to ride a bike. Will you teach me? Flamingo: Sure. Just hop on and ride. Narrator: Coming this summer, the feel good movie of the year that will touch your heart and rob you of ten precious dollars. This July, see Steve Carell as Mike, Daniel Radcliffe as Car and Academy Award winner Meryl Streep as Mr. Flamingo in Mr. Flamingo’s Bike School. And if you think that is a lousy movie idea, remember, you paid money to see a movie about sharks and bad weather. We’re looking at you Sharknado!

Mason: We are the next three doctors to take care of Mr. Peck. Avery: First we will scare him. Erin: Then we will calm him with bird songs. Mason: Then we will splatter him with green slime. All: We are…Doctor Boo, Doctor Coo, and Doctor Goo

The Hero Nobody Wants by Mason, Avery & Erin (SECOND DRAFT) Jeff: Mason Person 1: Mercer Person 2: Avery Person 3: Erin

J: Greetings citizens! I am Wrong Man. I am NOT the hero Lamplighter wants… I’m the hero Lamplighter has tried to get rid of many times. (Exit) P1: Somebody help! I lost my backpack! J: Never fear! I will find it. P1: No! Not you Jeff. I don’t want your help. J: Here you go! Your backpack. P1: (Look inside backpack) Where’s all my stuff? J: You’re welcome! (Both exit. Person 2 is stuck inside a box) P2: Help! I’m stuck! J: I’ll help! P2: No Jeff, it’s ok. I’m waiting for…Wait! What are you doing? (Jeff places box on top of Person 2) J: I saved the day again. (Jeff exits and Person 2 protests in box) P3: Darn, I forgot my lunch. J: I’ll get you something! P3: Please no Jeff. J: Here you go (hands Person 3 a cake) P3: Oh… Thank you Jeff! J: What? I got something right? P3: Yeah! It’s tasty too. J: Darn it, well, two out of three ain’t bad. (P2 grumbles from Box)

Quinn: I am the eleventh doctor to take care of Mr. Peck. He needs to look at beautiful scenery, lovely surroundings, and peaceful trickling streams. So I’ll take him on a vacation. Because I am…Doctor View…

Gummy Sloth by Quinn (SECOND DRAFT) Tourist 1: Mac Tourist 2: Jack Grown Sloth: Quinn Baby Sloth: Ashton Narrator/Mr. Tree: Thomas

GS: Oh no, Baby Sloth! Here come more tourists! BS: But, Daddy Sloth, I don’t like those tourists T1: Hey! Look at those hairy things. T2: I think they are sloths. GS: Well Duh! Of course we’re sloths. Can’t you tell by our slow speech patterns and three toes? BS: Look Daddy, the tourists have gummy bears (Points at them). GS: I have a plan! We will take them and make a giant bear who will invade the city and take over the world. BS: Daddy, that sounds a little unrealistic and overdramatic. GS: And it’s perfect for Funny Farmers. BS: Works for me. Let’s climb down. T1: Oh look they’re coming down! T2: It looks like they’re mad. BS: Attack! T1: Run! N: Later, on the streets of the city… GS: We can’t get them. They are too fast for us. BS: Daddy, everything is too fast for us. (Distracted) Ooo! A gummy bear shop! GS: And look who owns it! A character from Funny Farmers shows of the past! He’ll help us! Time for Plan B! B, for bear! (Evil laugh) N: A few sticky and chewy hours later… T1: I think we lost those slow poke sloths! T2: Wait! What’s that coming down the street? T1: That’s a giant gummy bear! How horrible! And who is that next to the sloths that’s controlling it? T2: Is that…No! It can’t be! Not again! MT: (Enter) I pity the fool who doesn’t like giant gummy bears rampaging through the city. T1/2: It’s Mr. Tree!

McLain: I am the twelfth doctor who will take care of Mr. Peck. I think he just needs a little love from an animal. A furry animal that is half yack and half bison. That’s why he needs me…Doctor Gnu…

Photoshop by McLain (SECOND DRAFT) Christian: Christian McLain: McLain Woman: Mia Narrator: Quentin

Christian: Hey McLain. What are you doing? McLain: Just doing a little work on Photo Shop. Christian: Sounds kinda dull. McLain: But this is a special version of Photo Shop. It makes pictures come to life. Christian: Cool! McLain: For example, I just photo shopped this woman here. And now she’s come to life. Woman: How did I get here? Christian: He just photo shopped you here. Woman: Wait, if I’m here, what happened to the real me? Mac/Person1:You don’t want to know. Christian: That’s cool McLain. What else can you do? McLain: With a few clicks, now I have shades. Woman: Put me back! I demand to go back to where I was. McLain: Where? Woman: Anywhere but here! McLain: Ok (She exits). Christian: This is so cool. Maybe we can get the president to come here. Or even Crime Clown. McLain: Maybe we can finally track down his original sidekick… Mac/Person1: Bob. Christian: Can you do anything to me? McLain: Sure! I can turn your face into an emoji. (Clicks) There you go. Christian: Awesome. Now change me back. McLain: Ok. (Clicks). Uh oh. Christian: What do you mean, uh oh? McLain: It looks like my computer crashed. You’re stuck as an emjoi for the rest of your life. I knew I should have bought that service plan. Christian: No! Narrator: Submitted for your approval, one McLain Niven. He was given the most amazing version of Photo Shop ever. He thought it was all fun and games until the computer crashed and his best friend was stuck with a smiley emoji forever. These are the consequences…in the Twilight Zone. All: Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do….

Quentin: I’m the thirteenth doctor who will treat Mr. Peck. He needs some good food. Something hearty and beefy. That’s why I’ll cook him up some really great comfort food. That’s why I am…Doctor Stew…

Attack of the Control Freaks by Quentin (SECOND DRAFT) Mr. Guy: Quentin Muggle Boy: Ashton Mortal Pig: Thomas Pickle Guy: Quinn Effect Guy: Sarah Narrator: Hudson

MG: Hi Muggle Boy, Mortle Pig, Pickle Guy and Effect Guy! (Each one acknowledges). All: Hi Mister Guy. (Oink) MG: I got a new video game! Do you want to play it? MB: Yes! Of course! MP: I would if I had hands, because I’m only a pig. PG: I brought pickles for us to eat. EG: Let’s play the game. MG: Ok. I’ll go first. MB: Wow, what a good game! MP: Great graphics! PG: And even better pickles! EG: Hey, what’s going on? MG: The game is sucking us into the TV! MB: I don’t want to go! I have spells to cast! MP: I don’t want to go! I have mud to roll in. PG: And what about my pickles? I can’t leave them behind! EG: Hold on! We’re going through! (They all get zapped through the TV) MG: Is everyone alright? MB: I think so. MP: This isn’t the game we bought. PG: It looks like a really big maze. EG: What are all of those dots? MG: And what is that really big one that’s glowing? MB: Those are power pellets. MP: Then that means…oh no…it’s too terrible to think… PG: We’re in the game of Pac Man. EG: And here he comes! All: AH! (They run) Narrator: Playing too many video games is bad for you. This has been another of our 531 reasons why your child needs to go to Lamplighter.

Ashton: I am the fourteenth doctor who will treat Mr. Peck. He needs some tough therapy. He needs to be placed on a wall and left there. He needs to be stuck up so he can never get down. That’s why he needs what I have. Because I am…Doctor Glue…

The Reasons Why Elmo Is Horrible by Ashton (SECOND DRAFT) Person 1: Mercer Person 2: Ashton Person 3: Jackson

P1: Hello ladies and gentlemen. We are here to comment how one red fuzzy ball is ruining people’s lives. P2: Indeed, this monstrous thing is called… All: ELMO! P3: With his orange round nose and his evil plastic eyes, he is a menace to society. P1: His shrieking rings in peoples eardrums and terrorizes them as they sleep. All: ELMO! P2: He knows where you live. All: Or does he? ELMO! P3: For only one trillion dollars an hour, you can save one terrified child every year. P1: Please send the money to The Funny Farmers, care of The Lamplighter School, 11611 Inwood Road, Dallas, Texas, 75229. P2: And if you don’t, all you’ll be hearing for the rest of your life is ALL: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Elmo’s World. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Elmo’s World. P3: Thank you for your time. P1: You know, they don’t think we’re serious. P2: Perhaps we should sing again. ALL: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Elmo’s World. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Elmo’s World. P3: You have been warned. We’re waiting for your check. P1: And we’ve drunk lots of Doctor Pepper so we’ll be awake for years. P2: Wait, Doctor Pepper! That’s another doctor that can treat Mr. Peck! P3: He’ll be cured before the show is over. Mr. Peck: Don’t bet on it kids! All: Ugg!

Mason: Of course, there is one more Doctor who can solve our problem. He’s the strongest doctor of them all. He’s the one who is going to make Mr. Peck dig deep. And he is me, because I am…Doctor Phil! All: Doctor Phil! He’s here to save us! Avery: But won’t he cost us a lot of money? Erin: I heard he charges one trillion dollars per session. All: Well, there goes the Elmo money.

Bakers-R-Us by Mason, Avery and Erin (SECOND DRAFT) Announcer: Mason Baker 1: Avery Baker 2: Erin Clown: Jack

A: Welcome to the baking competition, where today these three will battle it out for the title as best baker and a prize of three pistachios. B1: I’ll make something that will blow you away. B2: I’ll make something that will make children jump for joy. Clown: I’ll just try my best. (Laughs like a clown) A: All of these are professionals have come here under grueling hardships, except for the clown, we found him in the Pacific Ocean. B1: I’ll make a phone. B2: I’ll make a hat. Clown: I’ll make…something. (Laughs like a clown) A: Ok, you’ve got 60 minutes on the clock…Go! (Pause) A: (To audience) Ok folks, since we don’t have 60 minutes to wait, let’s just skip to the end…and the bakers have successfully finished! (Clown still mixing things together) B1: (pulls out a phone) Yes! I did it! B2: So did I! I’ll finally win the competition! Clown: (Pulls out a cookie) Oh darn it… well at least I tried. A: The Clown Wins! B1/2: What? A: It’s not nice to boast, and clowns are much better bakers.