FELIX wishes you a Merry Christmas Wednesday December 10th, No 757 Letters. FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 2

more, per person, than we are committee meeting). So I then asked talent for appearing at exactly the charging Mr. Mercer and his that if the money was just going to a right moment with a bottle of Anthem For flatmates. Department as an incentive champagne. I shall never forget also It is true that the flaacross from payment, why should we need to do how Steve Marshall's farewell issue Mr. Mercer's is being let at a lower this at all. Surely it is in every cheered me at a very black moment Doomed rate. This is because it is unfurnished Department's best interest to keep in life. Two former chairmen of the and has been let to the same person its lecturing staff up-to-date as Social Clubs Committee, Dr. Frank Youth for a number of years on a protected possible. James and Robin Graham were of tenancy, which prevents the rent This is where the lesson according immense help to me. Last but not being raised by more than a little to my Dad's garage comes in: My least I am most grateful to that well Dear Dave each year. Dad used to work for a garage known FELIX contributor and ex Three years ago I was a young, We asked the landlord to improve which employed fitters, sales staff Union President, SD Goulder, the keen geophysicist with a four-year the security arrangements as soon as and receptionists. As was the perfect major-domo. As a member degree and three year's industrial we heard there was a problem. They tradition in those days, each Works of the FELIX Club I hope I will see experience behind me. As I wanted reacted quickly in installing locks trained some apprentices in something of you all in the future. to work in research, and had an and spring returns. New combination with lectures from the VIVAT ET FLOREAT FELIX! interesting project I wished to work entryphones, though, are expensive local Tech. Also, before each new J Pingree on, I came to Imperial College to do and need to be costed before range of cars came out garages who a PhD. installation. This takes time. sold the cars of this make were In the three years I have been Pending installation of the invited to send staff on a here, I have come to know a lot of entryphones, the new locks were put familiarisation course, for a small people—undergraduates and on the latch. On discovering the sum of course. This meant that the postgraduates, spread across most locks, though, some of the fitters could mend the new cars before they came out, a bonus in a departments of the College. Like occupants of the flats activated NUS Debate: competitive world such as ours. me, they were mostly young, and them and some others kicked down mostly keen to become geologists or the now-locked door. To prevent However, the recession hit and No Case For physicists or mechanical engineers. further vandalism, we temporarily garages were no freer from its effects Now I find that I have a friend suspended the locking of the doors than any other industry, the first with a first in physics who is and Mr. Mercer complained. It things to be cut were those that Reaffiliation working as an accountant; two seems we can't win! required outlay before profit, i.e. the friends with degrees in mechanical As far as keys are concerned, I can continuing education process. engineering who have no intention only apologise on behalf of the As I said, my Dad used to work in of ever working as mechanical landlords if there has been any mix- a garage. Dear Dave, engineers; a number of friends up concerning their issue. I will Applying the moral of this story What could IC possibly gain from trying to complete PhDs in geology pursue the matter with them. I to Imperial College, Departments joining the NUS? What would we for which they have totally lost understand that the situation has shouldn't be saying "what's in it for get in exchange for the valuable interest; and the list could continue. been fully remedied. me", they should be insisting that all clubs which we would have to I myself am on the verge of giving up I am confident that Mr. Mercer, lecturers be continually trained and sacrifice to join that organisation? my PhD, only six months from now in full possession of the facts of educated because in the long run If, as you say, ICU has an opinion to completion, because I am tired of the matter, is in a better position to that is what people will notice, and express (and the question here is not the constant struggle to get anything appreciate the College's rent in the long run that is what will save whether it does or not), does it need done, of the barriers that constandy structure and policies. If not, I this College from the acts of any to a member of the NUS to express government and perhaps the staff appear before me. I have no would be more than happy to meet it? Surely not. Has the NUS not here will never have to say I used to intention of working as a him and explain them to him. I hope proven itself to be the most work in a University. geophysicist again. this clears up any misunderstan- inefficient student organization in What has happened to the young, ding. I hope this dispells any thoughts Great Britain? Any organisation keen people? Yours ever, of premature senility that the author that spends 90% of its budget on its Is Imperial College really doing Don Ferguson of last week's third hand story was annual conference (leaving only the best possible job for Science and Student Services Officer toying with. 10% for possible worthwhile Technology? Dave Colley activities which may have a slightly Yours sincerely, Hon. Secretary higher chance improving our lot as Graham Oakes University students) cannot honestly claim to be doing its best for the students it supposedly When I Were represents. What are the NUS's most outstanding achievements so far? The only one I can think of is Great Dons A Lad.... The One We one that has lasted 7 years—since 1979 they have sat idly by, watching Had To Print students' grants as they are reduced Of Today Dear David, more and more in real terms. What After last week's issue and its have they done to try to prevent article about my Dad's garage I this? Nothing. Not only has the NUS Dear Dave, thought it time that I wrote in and Dear David, done nothing for Joe (or Jane) I am writing in reply to Steven explained generally how that story I am about to leave the College student, it has actually done more to Mercer's letter (FELIX 756) was born. after nearly thirty years looking damage the public image of students concerning Hamlet Gardens. Mr. Whilst I was sitting on my first after the College archives, and than any other organisation. It is Mercer seems to have been Undergraduate Studies Committee would like to express my they who have given the public the misinformed. one of the first items to get through appreciation of the help that idea that a university student is I have contacted the landlords' was that of paying departments a students of the College have given to automatically some kind of ultra- agents, through whom all the flats at sum' of money from the fund the archives office. It would not left wing dirty hippy who spends all Hamlet Gardens are let. They tell controlled by the committee to have been possible to undertake so his time going on protest marches me that the flat to which Mr. Mercer allow them to send lecturers away many exhibitions, displays, and the instead of staying at home and refers, which is in the basement, is in on courses. These courses would be organisation of professional and studying, and who spends all his fact a flat for only five. Space in aimed at improving their knowledge private functions without this grant money (which was provided what used to be a double room has of their courses or improving their assistance. FELIX editors and staff by the tax-payers) on nose-rings and been blocked off in order to create a lecture technique, or hopefully both. have been particularly helpful, first hair dye. This is the image we corridor to the cellar, thus making it Now silly little me thought that the of all yourself, for doing so much University students have, and we a single. Mr. Mercers' is a normal money the Undergraduate Studies artwork for the Great Queen's have the NUS to thank for it. Let us six-person flat. Committee was paying departments Tower project, and among previous ask ourselves again, what would we editors Pallab Ghosh, Mark Smith, Furthermore, I am told that the would go to bringing in a possibly gain by joining the NUS? replacement; apparently this is not Hugh Southey and especially David Yours sincerely, rent being charged for the basement Rowe who also has this marvelous flat is in fact £150 per week—rather so (quoted from the aforementioned llastair Seymour News. FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 3

Silent QT Revisited Nightline

The Students' Union is pressing the College not forseeing that users of procedures, but were denied access West London Nightline suffered an College for control of the QT snack QT would use the seating space in to the meeting. unexpected financial setback this bar in the Sherfield building, in the JCR. The Academic Staff Assembly year, due to an oversight by last compensation for an expected The issues were again discussed at meanwhile has written to the Rector year's ICU Deputy President Dave £12000 loss in conference revenue a meeting of the Refectory Users' complaining that they had only Kingston. This could cost Nightline should the College's plans go ahead. Committee later on Tuesday found out about the moves £675, which would threaten training Meanwhile, the academic staff are afternoon. FELIX reporters accidentally and expressing the need weekends and factilites for protesting about the College's approached Mr. Chalmers, the for staff to be able to entertain operation. Imperial College intention to convert the Senior Senior Assistant Secretary, for visitors and hold confidential normally pays £3,000 directly to Common Room into a refectory, permission to observe the conversations. Nightline, which is in addition to and are particularly concerned that £675 provided by ICU. This year, they had not been properly the sum paid by College was paid informed of the proposals. through the Union as a trial arrangement, so increasing the In a document presented to the Union subvention, on paper. Mr College last week, the Union Kingston did not fully understand pointed out that the loss of space in Going For A Singh where his nose was and so set the the Junior Common Room will Union contribution at £3,000, so substantially reduce their takings effectively cutting Nightline's when the JCR is let,to conferences funding by £675. The error was not during vacations. They estimate noticed until recently, and as this that further losses would be year's budget has already been incurred by reduced sales of books fixed, the Union will either have to to conferences. make a contingency claim or rewite The matter was raised at a public the budget if they wish to rectify the meeting called by the Rector, mistake. Professor Eric Ash, on Tuesday lunchtime, during which College Secretary John Smith explained the need for more refectory facilities. He pointed out that the number of students using the refectories had shown an unexpected increase this Holbein year of 1400 above the predicted figure. House Hence, said Mr. Smith, the College's original plan to swap the JCR with the Sherfield buttery Banned From could no longer take place. "We can go back to the old proposal if College demands, but I won't be Dinner responsible if it goes wrong," he said. He added that the congestion Students from Holbein House have in the JCR was the result of the been banned from the College Christmas Dinner on Thursday because of alleged bad behaviour during last year's event. The ban was imposed in an attempt to prevent the recurrance of excessive drinking and food fights by some of Balls the residents. Ten students who The Royal College of Science Union decision which Mr Singh does nol were not from Holbein have also will be holding an "Extraordinary strictly have the authority to make been banned for disruptive Pocketed General Meeting" today. The Several senior RCS students have behaviour. meeting has been called at the signed the petition, including Sunnv One Holbein resident had to be Fourteen coloured balls were stolen request of more than 50 members of Bains of Physics 2, who proposed escorted home during last year's from the Snooker Club in the Union RCSU, who have signed a petition Mr Singh for the post of President in dinner, and another vomited on the Building last Tuesday. The theft criticising President Simon Singh's last years election. table. follows an incident on November leadership of the Union. The petition was organised by Commenting on the ban, House 14th after the Guilds' Carnival when The petition was delivered to Paul Bailey who told FELIX why he Warden Barry Saunders said that two red and two black balls were RSCU Hon. Secretary Guy Perry was protesting against Mr Singh. He although he wasn't completely stolen and two windows broken. last week. The students are said that Mr Singh had made a lot of surprised by the move, he had not Club President David Rhodes has concerned that Mr Singh has made a decisions that were relevent to received any official College appealed for the return of the balls series of decisions without the RCSU, but was failing to tell the notification beforehand. He also with the promise that 'no questions proper backing of the Union. In Union about them. He added that pointed out that a number of will be asked'. The Club Junior particular he has been attacked for Mr Singh had tried to take over the students had only been told that Treasurer, Richard Wiles, said that not calling enough Union General role of Entertainments Chairman in they had been banned after buying the Club would be looking at the Meetings or General Commitee the last few weeks, instead of letting tickets, and that last year's problem possibility of buying a new set of Meetings. Mr Singh has also others get on with their jobs. could have been prevented if alcohol balls, however,- in the meantime it dismissed Broadsheet Editor Tony RCSU Vice President Judith had been sufficently controlled. may be forced to close down one of Spencer, who is not a current Hackney said later that she and Guy The Holbein Students Residence 'he tables. The Club is also student, without consulting either Perry felt that Mr Singh has acted Committee will be holding their considering closing an hour earlier the rest of the executive or the very hastily in making a decision own function as an alternative to the to avoid bar closing time. General Committee. This was a .about Tony Spencer. dinner. News. FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 4

Grant Not Slinging The Shit Enough The Geology Department is attempt to prevent the recuurence of Biology Department and found to "Student grants aren't high enough carrying out a major review of safety recent incidents in which students be non-hazardous. The blood, it was to live on", according to the in an effort to reduce the risks from have collected radioactive and toxic revealed, has been heat treated to 56 Department of Education and hazardous biological and mineral materials, including blue asbestos, degrees celcius before shipping and Science. This admission has come substances analysed by researchers. for polishing and grinding. was stored in adaquate containers. out of a Government enquiry into The move follows a scare when two Investigations following the boxes alleged to contain Commenting on the incidents, a student finances. The Science and convening of an Emergency Safety safety official in Geology told Arts Select Committee are also Rhinocerous droppings and blood meeting, at the request of trade samples were delivered to the FELIX that he was suprised that the investigating funding for students. union officials, revealed that soil samples had not been reported to The National Union of Students department three weeks ago. The and vegetation from Nahuru samples had not been referred to the the Biological Subcommittee and have recommended that grants be National Park in Kenya had been pointed out that there may have raised by 21% to bring them up to Biological sub-committe on safety, sent to Imperial for trace element as is usual when biological samples been a potential danger. He added the same level, in real terms, as in analysis in a project by Dr Ian "the events have illustrated a 1978/79. Other NUS proposals are are brought into the university, Thornton and post graduate John raising fears that they may present a weakness in the College safety to lower the age at which students Maskall designed to make the park procedure and the whole College are considered 'independent' when safety hazard. Further concern was suitable for Rhinocerous habitation. raised when a post graduate will have to be informed of the considering awards, and to Samples of Impala blood were existance of the Biological and introduce an allowance of £35pw for working with the samples delayed at Imperial, on the way for contracted Tic Typhus, Protocols Hazardous Substances Commit- all students over 16. analysis at the Mardun Institute of tees". are now being drawn up by the Education, for three weeks when Mr Head of Safety in the Geology Geological Safety Department and Maskall was hospitalised with Tic Department, Bob Kinghorn, was future projects will be referred to the Typhus. The soil, which had been interviewed by FELIX last Tuesday College Head of safety, Dr Gordon sun-baked prior to shipment before evening. After discussing the issue Heardgreaves, for assesment of heat-treatment at Imperial to Broken Lift for twenty minutes, he then decided biological and toxic hazards. remove moisture, was examined by to retract everything he had said, Guidelines for collecting minerals in Head of Safety, Gordon saying that he did not trust FELIX The hydraulic lift used by the CCU the field will also be draughted in an Heardgreaves and Ian French ofthe to quote him accurately. Motor Clubs has been repeatedly broken, during the past term. The lift, situated by the Jez garage, near the Old Chemisty building, is secured by an electromagnetic lock to prevent accidents. Keys to the lift Third are available from both RCS and Guilds Motor Clubs but the lock has Faked Burglaries been forced at least twice this term, Degree at a cost of £130 a time.

Forty one students living in College halls and houses had their rooms Students who started on a four-year "burgled" by a special IC Union course leading to a BEng in October Ruddy security team on Thursday 27th 1983 (or later) will be awarded a November. In each case the doors to MEng on graduation if a change to Enormous the rooms had been left open or the University of London regulations is approved. unlocked whilst the rooms were The Natural History Museum has unattended. The regulations are currently identified a record-breaking 41b 2oz The action was part of a Security being considered by the Privy rudd, breaking a record which has Awareness Campaign carried out by Council, and a one-year period for stood unchallenged since 1933. the ICU Welfare Committee. The objections to be lodged expires in Alwyne Wheeler, the Museum's burgling team were briefed to look four months time, with none so far Ichythyologist and scientific advisor for the sort of situations that are received. The same set of changes to the British Record (Rod Caught) allowing walk-in thieves to remove will mean that most who started Committee identified the specimen considerable amounts of property three year course leading to the by the number and shape of the from student accommodation. In BSC(Eng) after the summer of 1984 pharyngeal teeth, and the relative each case where a room was vacant will receive a BEng. The only positions of the fins. courses not to be upgraded in this the "burglers" left stickers that The specimen rudd will be on proclaimed that the room had been way are those of Computing and Metallurgy, which do not at present display to the public in the Museum burgled and warned residents to from the end of December. "lock it or lose it". include the necessary economics and humanties courses in the The rudd is particularly tasty if The action was carried out with syllabus. lightly fried in butter, and served the full approval and cooperation of with a white wine sauce. However, the Academic Council the College Chief Security Officer, of the University of London, which Geoffrey Reeves, and the wardens makes decisions on the awarding of of the halls and houses concerned. suprising people into being more degrees, has not accepted the The team carried badges bearing aware of the security problem. principle of backdating the changes. Open Day Mr. Reeves signature to avoid The worst residences in terms of This leads to the unusual situation confusion with genuine intruders. open rooms were Southside and Beit where students who have missed a An open day organised by the staff Welfare Officer, Tom Melliar- halls and Southwell house. The only year, for example through illness or and students of the RSM last Smith has warned that residents hitch in the whole operation was failing exams, will graduate at the Thursday attracted over 250 should never assume that anyone when one of the Southside Assistant same time and from the same course schoolchildren. The cost of the wandering around the halls is there Subwardens tried to stop the team as others who will receive a more event was £1300, of which £800 was for a legitimate reason and that on his staircase because he was not advanced qualification, putting donated by industry. Dr Harry anyone who is engaged on College in favour of the security campaign. them at a possible disadvantage for Shaw of the Geology Department, or Union business should always be He finally insisted upon contacting life. It is understood that College is one of the organisers, said that the able to prove it if challenged. He the warden, Mr. Paul Jowitt, campaigning within the University event was great success, and said he though the campaign had whereupon Mr. Jowitt instructed of London to have the decision on expressed his thanks to the staff and been quite successful in its aim of him to stop hindering the team. backdating changed. students for their help. News FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 5

Stick Of Rock Benefits Notice On the 1st September the present Government changed the There was a minor row at the IC that a lot of the reports had been Union Council Meeting on submitted to him late. In future regulations which had made it possible for students to claim Monday, which culminated in Ian there may be a strict deadline for various benefits over the two short vacations. Students can no Howgate, the Geology Depart- submission of written reports if they longer claim unemployment benefit or supplementary benefit mental Representative, walking out. are to be circulated before the over the Christmas and Easter vacations, even if they have Mr Howgate was upset by the meeting. amount of mundane business on the The business of the meeting was paid enough contributions to qualify under normal agenda, he objected to the reports of briefly suspended after Mr circumstances. people who did not attend the Howgate's departure while Chris As from September 1st the College year was officially meeting being considered. Martin, who had just returned from regarded as being 38 weeks long to include the short vacation Arguments began when Mr observing the National Union of Howgate objected to the report Students Conference in Blackpool, periods. Students are considered to be still attending College from Postgraduate Academic presented those present whith a during these short breaks and not available for work, and Affairs Officer Gareth Fish. Mr large stick of rock which was broken therefore they become ineligable for the unemployment and Fish had sent a written apology for up and passed around. supplementary benefits; being unable to attend along with his report. Mr Howgate objected to The only benefit now available to students is housing Mr Fish's report the grounds of his benefit, which may be claimed by those not living in College- absence. During the ensuing debate Womens owned residences (such as halls and houses). Unlike in on whether this was reasonable, Mr previous years, those ineligible for housing benefit during Howgate also proposed that all of the minutes of Council Committees Officer term time will not have a chance of eligibility during the short such as Internal Services and breaks. Academic Affairs be rejected as At ULU Any student with questions on benefits can call into well. Council Chair Hugh Southey Student Services and see Lesley Gillingham, the IC Welfare explained that these minues were The University of London Union Advisor. presented for information purposes (ULU) elected it's first Womens' and that Mr Howgate was "out of Officer at the General Union order" in his suggestion. Mr. Council last week, almost a year Season's Greetings Howgate left the meeting. Earlier he after IC created a similar post. had said that he was upset that the The post, a non-voting position Looking back on this term's papers for Council members were on the ULU executive, is to be FELIX, I have been disappointed circulated late and had earlier shared between Francis Taylor with the lack of variety in the criticised Union publicity as being Union Adrift (KQC) and Rachel Picheathly content, and will be taking steps to responsible for the failing of most (UCL). Beforehand the women try to improve this next term. As events this year including Guilds delegates to the meeting held a Following the emergency meetingever, of this depends entirely on the Carnival and Rag Carnival. closed discussion to decide whether Council on Friday November 28 th,availability of as many people as Hugh Southey later described Mr to ask the male delegates to abstain Union Deputy President Jackiepossible to write and paste up. After Howgate's action as "rather in the election. A vote showed equal Pierce sent a discussion paperChristmas to there will be a staff childish". He used some of the time numbers for and against this College administration as a responsemeeting on Monday January 5th (the after the otherwise quiet meeting to proposition, and ULU President to the revised plans for the JCR.first day of term), and this will be hold a short discussion on Jane Cannon used her casting vote Included in this is a definite proposalfollowed by regular Friday meetings improving Council meetings and to defeat it. that ICU should take over the newat 12.30pm. Please try to find your JCR bar, and a speculative way to the office sometime early making them less intimidating for No election actually took place, new members. suggestion that, given certain next term. however, as the candidates agreed to management changes within the Dave Colley, Union Hon share the post. Union, control of the QT Snack Bar Secretary, apologised to the meeting Credits A ULU International Officer was should be transferred to ICU. The for the late circulation of reports but also elected for the first time at the paper asks College to confirm or explained that he had been ill and The amount of work put into same meeting. deny that each refectory outlet is FELIX by some members of staff self-financing and non profit this term has been quite startling. making, beyond a level necessary for My own performance as Editor has maintenance and refurbishment of frequently left a lot to be desired, that outlet. Clearly this "perceived and so I am especially grateful to the aim of the refectory system" does following for their continuing help not apply in the case of QT, which and tolerance; Chris Martin, Chris has been raking in a healthy profit Edwards, Bill Goodwin, Mole, Pippa ever since it opened just before the Salmon, Judith Hackney, Kamala start of term. It is really rather naive Sen, Nigel Whitfield, Jane Spiegel, of Council to expect a constructive Aaron Kotcheff, David Williams, response to a proposal such as this, David Burns, Liz Holford, Alex and but for a healthy caution which McNeil, Richard Bleasdale, Richard the Union is wisely displaying, the Fincher, Gail Turner, Sarah Kirk, situation would be very similar to the Ian Thomas, Hugh Southey, Mark "let's get the Union bar" fever which Cottle, David Wooding, Norman, affected last year's Executive. The Mark Hunter and Fourth Avenue, more important question, however, Gren Manuel, David Rowe, Pallab is whether ICU is acting correctly in Ghosh, Colin Palmer, Steve Cook, trying to expand the Union-backed Laura Dain, Rosemary Hosking and services. Already the administrative Steve Shacked. Merry Christmas. chores take up too large a proportion of each sabbatical's time, and if the Union services are expandedfurther,FELIX Is published by the Editor lor and on it will be more difficult for the Unionbehal f of Imperial College Union Publications Board and is printed by the Imperial College officers to contribute somethingUnio n Print Unit. Prince Consort Road, positive to ICU during their term Londonof , SW7 2BB (Tel 01 589 5111 ext 3515). Mike Foulds and Portia Smith in Dramsoc's recent production, "After the Editor, David Jones. Business Manager, Jane office. Spiegel. Copyright FELIX 1966 ISSN 1040. Fall" by Arthur Miller, which closed on Saturday. 0711. Featura FELIX, Friday November 28th 1986 6 On Wednesday November 27th Alan Charig and Angela Milner of the Natural History Museum finally announced details of a new type of dinosaur. The FELIX Geology division, headed by Kamala Sen, went to investigate.

Claws

'Claws' has at last been offically Somehow, over the three years in the cold and wet, under the tracks the animal. Pneumatic engraving christened. Her (or his) real name is since she was dug out, patient hands of the encroaching bulldozers, for tools, diamond-toothed saws, and now Baryonyx walkeri, say the have put the myriad pieces of the three years, digging out bone by thyoglycolic acid; all were used to experts, and she's the founding puzzle together into individual ribs, bone. Fossil hunting has gone high- remove the tough rock casing. member of a new dinosaur family, toes, and other small bones. Even tech—expanding polyurethane Just to illustrate the uncertainties Baryonychidae. the tiniest of these are cobwebbed foam (which, incidentally, gives off of the job: Alan Charig and Angela Three years, you might think, is a with the lines of plaster showing that toxic fumes when made) was used Milner, the senior staff in charge of long time to take deciding what to at least six shards fit together to with plaster to encase the 'semi- the project, found it necessary to say call a set of old bones. For it was in form an inch of bone, paper thin as continuous series of irregular stone that the bones were found 'closely 1983 that a plumber and eager it is. Among the success stories blocks'—two vanloads full of associated...We are confident that amateur fossil hunter, William stand the boxes for which nothing them—found in the vicinity of the they come from the same animal.' Walker, stumbled over the first can be done, those pieces which are claw. Hardly any bone could be seen Joking apart, people have in the traces in a clay pit in Surrey. The too badly distorted to be teased in these except where the bulldozers past mistakenly fitted the leaves of foot-long claw he found hinted at gently back into shape. had scraped by, but their positions one plant type to the bark and roots drama and fury in the prehistoric Even before the fitting-together were mapped before they were of another. Amazingly, 'Claws' has world, and at further dramatic enormous amounts of care, skill and transported back to the lab. Only remained almost intact through the revelations to come. It's been a long planning have gone into the project. there could the sideritic millions of years. Almost sixty wait for more news. Palaeontologists may be strange siltstone—that is, muds cemented percent of the skeleton—well over But to me it's a miracle that the creatures, but they're not together with iron carbonate—be hundred bones—has been found; by creature has been classified in less completely crazy: they didn't work broken away to reveal the secrets of the time the model makers are than a decade. Think it's hard putting together the sky on a jigsaw puzzle? You should have a go at this jigsaw. The palaeontology lab at the Natural History Museum looks like a busy town centre—just after it's been hit by a rather large bomb. Fragments of bone and mud everywhere. Tangles of wire and pipes at strange angles, glaring lights and mechanical noises... To get back to the point— 'Claws'. She (or he) is lying in what must be hundreds of thousands of pieces over this disaster area. A closer look, however, shows that the chaos is organised. A few larger bones stand out—notably the humerus and a couple of pieces of jawbone which add up to a metre- long snout (almost as long as that of the notorious Tyrannosaurus rex). A few lumps of rock stand about with half-revealed ribs or shin-bones slanting out like modem sculpture. The rest of 'Claws' consists of fragments of jagged, dull grey- brown stone that even a highly trained geology student would walk by without a second glance, and handfuls of sand at the bottom of cardboard boxes. Featura FELIX, Friday November 28th 1986 through with it, filling in ribs, for fish in the swamps of a river making right arm-bones to match flood-plain (sandstones and shales the original left-arm bones, and in the area show ripple marks) or, enabling the structure to stand up, less romantically, rootled in the rib- about eighty percent of the cages of carcasses for the odd dinosaur's frame may eventually go delicacy. The fish teeth in the region on show—in another year or so. of her stomach aren't conclusive There are still three large blocks evidence, but the acid-etched fish out of fifty-five to be opened, and scales found with them are. She has the remnants of the rock matrix to twice as many teeth in her lower jaw be cleared in a stop-start process (sixty-four) as most dinosaurs, and when at any moment the sand- each is so finely serrated that the blaster might find itself jaggedness only shows under a disintegrating new bone. microscope—both features of a fish- Apparently one can tell when bone eater. is reached by changes in colour and 'Claws' also had very strong arms hardness—the fossil consists of the for a dinosaur of her type, actual bone with certain minerals suggesting that she could quite dissolved out and replaced by easily have strolled along on four

legs. The extra-large claws, three horsetails and cycads, and there you times as large as the rest of her have it—the world of 'Claws'. fingers, may have been on either hands or feet, and were probably used both to attack and defend. Milner points out that grizzly bears use their claws to side-swipe passing fish. So picture, if you will, a fifteen- foot, one-and-a-half ton reptilian with a crocodile smile, ambling leisurely on her hind legs along a river bank. Now and then she drops bear-like to all fours, waits a while, then suddenly darts a heavily- clawed hand into the water to come up with a fish which she proceeds to swallow with enjoyment, her armoury of teeth making short work of its struggles. Also on the scene are Baryonyx walkerei: a couple of plant-chewing iguanodons. Swarms of insects, 'Baryonyx" comes from the Greek among them the recently discovered words meaning 'heavy claw'; giant dragonfly, haunt the air. Add 'walkerei' honours its discoverer, the appropriate vegetation, W Walker. others. More often it seems that what is needed is a little imagination and a lot of anatomy. The biggest lack in this skeleton is the tail, which probably parted company with 'Claws' when after she died her body was washed downstream in a flood. Unfortunately there are no signs of how she died, or even whether she is a 'she' or a 'he'. But the remains already studied have told a great deal about the lifestyle of 'Claws'. Indeed, they've shown such vast differences from anything so far seen that Charig was prepared to 'stick my neck out and say that this is probably the most exciting find in Europe this century'. Stirring stuff, for an old fossil— in this case all of 240 million years old; it's the only relatively complete dinosaur find in the world from the rocks of the lower Cretaceous. People whose imagination was caught by the nickname 'Claws' may be in for a disappointment. True, she was one of the therapods—bipedal, carnivorous, Tyrannosaurus rex-type dinosaurs. But her skull was definitely not that of a hunter and killer. Her slender snout, swelling at the end like that of a crocodile and loosely jointed so that she could probably waggle its tip, means that she probably hunted Feature FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 8 One For The Road

FELIX Chief of Staff Pippa Salmon presents a review I of the news which has made most of the headlines since the beginning of term.

A serious shortage of accom- modation dominated the news at the beginning of the term, when it was disclosed that the Student Services Office was having difficulty allocating rooms to all those who had been guaranteed places. A Union spokesperson described the situation as "bloody ridiculous". Fortunately, most students have eventually been able to find suitable places to live, but security in College residences was put under question following the rape of a nurse in Hamlet Gardens. Locking doors were fitted but the lack of working Major changes in College life entryphones and keys presented Site of Northside Hall; have been under consideration this new accommodation slow more problems for residents. term. The proposed merger with St. There was more trouble for Mr Mary's Medical College has brought to get off the ground Peter Hallworth, the Managing favourable reactions from most of Surveyor of Residences, regarding the Union and College represen- the inadequate cooking facilities in tatives and discussions are Tiddlewinking down Tizard and Selkirk Halls. The continuing. Meanwhile, a working Oxford Street For Rag problems have been going on since party is investigating the possibility last year, when staircase kitchens of setting up another Union Dressed to Thrill; Simon were built in Falmouth Keough Hall Sabbatical post, to cope with the Singh at the raft race but not in Tizard or Selkirk. Not increasing workload created by the only are the present kitchens too expansion of the Union services. small, but the positioning of fridges The Union finally took over full on staircases contravenes fire control of the Union Bar in regulations. No decision has yet September and the new Holland been made on how or when the Tie Clubs; under threat in Club was opened last week. A move improvements will be made. less popular with the Union has 1986 been the opening of the QT snack bar in the JCR. It appears that the planned JCR-Main Dining Hall switch will not go ahead, which means that the Union will effectively lose its one large function room. A large section ofthe JCR will be used as refectory space during the daytime, if the current plans are carried out. More Union anger was caused by the notorious 'Drinking Clubs' motion, with officers divided on whether the three CCU clubs should be banned from using Union rooms. The motion was defeated, as was an anti-Barclays motion, but the issues raised caused heated debates throughout College. Motions to support ULU and Amnesty's Ivan Starovoit, on the other hand, were passed with little dissent. The centenary edition of the Phoenix was published this term, amidst some disruption in the FELIX office caused by the office move. Copies of what has been described as "the best produced Phoenix" are still available from the bookshop, Union Office and FELIX office, price 50p. Featura FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 9 STA - Service To Students

STA is the most widely used travel organisation for students and young people. Imperial College has one of the two offices in the South West London area, which is used by 40 students every day. FELIX interviewed Mark Fletcher, assistant sales manager for South West London, who described the service STA is able to offer.

In an effort to provide the type of general very seasonal. of a holiday for two in Paris at last travel service students need, STA try The office at IC attracts business year's Rag Fete (won by ex-FELIX to employ staff who have travelled from other colleges in the area, such Editor Hugh Southey). There are extensively "in the student as the RCA. Earlier this year the also regular adverts in FELIX and manner". Prior to taking up his office was moved from its old the Union Handbook. current job, Mr Fletcher spent a position on the JCR to a new site The IC office has two permanent year in South America after with a direct entrance from the members of staff; Suzie Roberts working on land surveying projects Sherfield walkway. As a result trade (Manager) and Lesley Hing. The in Iraq. The office staff can always has increased and academic staff are office is open throughout the find information about travelling now beginning to use the office. IC summer period and can now be abroad—if they haven't visited your Union benefits directly from STA-it phoned internally on 3906. For destination themselves they can receives a rent payment of 1% of the group trips students should contact easily phone up someone who has. office turnover, with a minimum of the main branch in Old Brompton £2,500. In addition STA sponsor STA are offer significant Road, telephone 581 4751. discounts on fares for students, and some Union events, such as the offer can be up to 50% cheaper than their competitors. The service is flexible, allowing you to alter your timetable where necessary, and unlike bucket shops, STA is government backed—should the organisation collapse, your ticket would still be honoured. Discounts are available on, for example, general airline tickets, National Express coach services in the UK, fen" crossings and as a greyhound tickets. There are also special offers, such as a trip around the world for £800. Because STA has offices all over the world it is easy to change routes and it is also feasible to use the offices abroad as mail boxes. For some trips it is necessary to book well in advance, and fares are in

proved everyone wrong, however, hour deciding who should sit on made from the "QT" snack bar and has rediscovered his enthusiasm what working party and what during the day. Being such a Tales from for the subject. At the same time he exactly each party should be benevolent character, he added a has been unable to fade gracefully responsible for. At the end of condition that this act of altruism the Holland away from the Union scene. At the January, each working party (after a should be mentioned in the pages of Union Planning Group two weeks lot of "acting swiftly") is going to FELIX—I hope he's satisfied. ago, Hugh proudly presented his report back to the omnipotent UPG FELIX has not said very much Club master plan to save IC Union; with which will then report to Council, about the College's new accounting twelve people around the table he where all the people who sat on the system, which was introduced at the suggested that three working parties working parties will decide if they beginning of August. Though be set up to look into different want to do anything. A bureaucrats' Sherfield was in chaos for several aspects of Union affairs. Each group paradise—fantastic! weeks, it was impossible to find by Nigel Hamster should have, he explained, three or Ever-popular Refectory Manager anyone who would admit that four members so that they would be Rob Northey rarely misses an anything was amiss. "Problems with able to "meet regularly" and "act opportunity to boost his profits. the finance system? Don't know swiftly" (three timed four equals Earlier this term honest Rob what you mean. Everything's okay twelve—brilliant, Hugh!). Hugh has persuaded the shift engineers to turn here-just a few teething troubles in When Union plaything Hugh not fully recovered from eight weeks up the heating in Southside, in order the first few days, but you expect Southey decided to stand for a with ICI over the summer, where he to drag more custom down to the that when you make as major a sabbatical post at the end of the discovered what a working party bar. Since then Rob has been doing change- as this." The teething third year of his four year Chemical was and decided that IC Union his best to gain a reputation as a troubles included one member of Engineering Course, several people needed one or two. Stunned by College nice guy. After the RCS beer staff resigning in despair a few days suggested he would have difficulty Huge's mind-blowing plan, the rest festival he approached one of the after the system was introduced, but getting used to academic work of the assembled cross section of the organisers and handed over £60—a otherwise, no problems. Yes, again. Heroic Hugh appears to have Union office spent the next half an share of the enormous profit he had Terry—tell it to the Marines! Felix FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 10

Christms FELIX—anything I write now will be out of date by the time it Christine's gets to you; because of the Christmas break there's little chance Rag Week '86 of generating response to any Christmas Bit serious comments; and more to the Rag Week has come and gone and for the RSM Dirty Disco on point, my brain appears to have as Rag Weeks go this has been one Monday, but the highlight of the gone into hibernation leaving me of the most successful. night was definitely Julian's streak devoid of inspiration. So forget the Well, amazingly enough it appears It started on Wednesday 12th round the Queen's Tower. serious bit and accept a Happy to be "write something festive" time November with a new (clean?) Wednesday's Beer Festival, as Christmas instead. already. Difficult one, this; having version of Morphy Day. And so it usual, was the most successful Rag guarded my image closely for a So what do raving lefties do at this was that the three CCU presidents event; in fact, some people enjoyed whole six months-the cantankerous time of year? Don't ask me...I'm set off down Putney High Street it so much that they didn't want to idiot who threatens people at UGMs going home for a week, looking with the aim of chatting up a non-IC leave. In the end we carried them out while secretly furthering her own forward to twelve hours sleep a girl and taking her for tea in and cleaned up—thanks folks, the raving pinko ambitions (not to night, nut roast, and teddy bears Harrods. Small but perfectly JCR never looked cleaner than it did mention making life hard for the wrapped in recycled paper...Well, formed Duncan Royle was the next morning. fun-loving CCUs, just for the hell of whatever you do this holiday, I hope resplendent with posh suit, The Smoking Concert on it) it seems a shame to lose it all in it's fun. And a special Happy carnation, champagne and bow tie Thursday was a chance for various one go. (I don't think that was aChristma s to all the Union office, whilst all but perfectly-formed people who should have known sentence-Ed). However I suppose I'll Jen, Pat, Kathy, Jackie and Simon Singh tried to tempt the better to show what talent (or lack just have to face the facts and own Gutman, and thanks for putting up ladies with a kit kat and those yellow of it) they possessed. The most up to being a lovable human being with me so far. shorts. Rob Perry was last seen in a notable of these were Fiona's poem after all. Have a good holiday, see you in bar with others of the RSM Exec. In (which won the "Best Act"), the Of course that's' not the only January. the end Simon was the first Chaps Sketch, the Guilds Exec, and problem about writing bits for the Christine president past the post after picking the the inevitable Guilds Rugby. up the amazing Tracey from Chas Brereton also resurfaced Roehampton Institute although he having completed his 48 hour piano position of IC students. Imperial is was narrowly beaten by Guildsman marathon a week before, and played not an average university, if such a Simon Childs who reached Harrods at the Carnival and the Beer thing exists, and so we need to five minutes earlier. Festival. (Is there no limit to this survey our own population rather man's enthusiasm?) than rely purely on nationally Due to indecision on Man Tai's Friday, and the RSM actually produced statistics. part, some drinkers didn't turn up to won an event:-true, it was the Boat Finally there are perennial The Norfolk—the pub chosen for Race, but it's better than nothing. In questions about what exactly is an "Drink-a-pub-Dry" that night— the evening we had Rag and Drag- average IC student. Most people but to a completely different the most colourful party of the have their own ideas about this establishment. All the same we week. Imagination had run riot, and mythical being but there are few managed to reduce them to half a some men had really gone to town figures to prove these opinions. We barrel of lager before the landlord on their dresses. Someone who shall hope to be able to confirm or deny realised what was happening and remain nameless (called Nigel) liked the traditional view of IC students. stopped serving us, at 10.30 pm. his dress so much he wore it to The survey will be conducted by The hypnosis lecture brought the lectures on Monday. the Welfare Committee in largest attendance since it started SCAB night was a very cultured association with Student Services by seven years ago. One hundred and way to end Rag week, and showed sending out confidential fifty of the audience volunteered to how much talent there really is in IC questionaires to a representative be hypnotised and of these, eight The magnificent Trombone Trio cross-section of students. Names of were kept back for further received the most thunderous recipients will be selected by a embarrasment. They were made to applause, and a close second was random process and the do silly things like see a Debsoc's debate—"This house questionaire forms will not carry hippopotamus walking across the proposes that Wombles are the any means of identifying those stage, when with perfect timing, zenith of creation." Both sides people. Envelopes for the return of Man Tai walked through a side door spoke convincingly but the motion completed forms will be provided (hippo-potato-mus?). was almost unanimously carried. Who is and secure boxes for posting the Friday was the Guild's Rag Week officially finished with envelopes will be situated at carnival—a brilliant event, that SCAB Night but the dedicated strategic places in College. In would have been even better had Average? "1,000,001 darts" players kept addition, arrangements will be more of you turned up. made for questionnaires to be going until Monday to score I can't remember much of 1,000,001. During the first two weeks of next returned via the internal mail service Saturday but I am told I enjoyed So there it was—Rag Week 1986. term IC Union will be conducting Associated with the questionnaire Southside's cocktails... I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I the largest survey of Imperial to encourage your enthusiastic Yes, I did get up for the Raft Race did, and many, many thanks to students ever attempted. This article participation will be a raffle for a the next morning, and it was won everyone who helped in every way. attempts to explain the reasons for variety of goodies. So remember, if most convincingly by Guilds. A special thanks though to the Rag this project and how it hopes to your name is picked out you will be Sunday evening was Chaps Curry publicity team, the Rag Committee achieve useful results. helping both yourself and your and Barnite which was very poorly and the organisers of the Beer Union while expending very little attended—perhaps everyone was The Union has in the last few Festival and Carnival. See yoUj effort indeed. still recovering from the Raft Race? years acquired control of its own bar next year! and catering facilities which it plans Forms will be sent out on the first (or cocktails?) to develop. Eventually plans will day of next term to allow you plenty Emma A lot of dirty people Barrett have to be drawn up for the future of time to complete them. The turned out development of the entire Union. To results will be published in FELIX do this we need accurate once they have been processed and information about the lifestyle and hopefully they will provide the basis social habits of students. For the of discussions for a while to come. union to develop the right facilities it Lastly I must point out that this has to know what students do with questionnaire is purely voluntary their leisure time, what their eating but the importance of the habits are and how much they have information it will provide cannot to spend. be underestimated. I must re- There is also an increasing emphasise that replies will be amount of debate about changing completely confidential in all financial circumstances of students. repects and that you can only However there seems to be little benefit by taking part. reliable data about the current Mark Cottle iuiLD YOUR CAREER

00 c Breaking the mould CO z m CO Do you enjoy photocopying? CO If you wish to spend your next year photocopying, making coffee and running errands, don't bother coming to see us. At Arthur Young we know that you didn't spend three years at University in order to let your brain stagnate. Our clients are challenging and demanding — you will be working at the frontier of your ability. We will back you with technology and support staff. We have added an MBA programme open to all, which will enhance your business awareness and will take you further than ACA. We know you are valuable to us and will pay you accordingly. New graduate trainees joining our London office will be paid not less than £11,000 p.a. If you can cope with the challenging demands placed now on tomorrow's financial managers, come and see us during our milk round visit on JANUARY 22nd & 23rd. Further information can be obtained from your careers adviser or by writing to Mairi Eastwood, Recruitment Partner, at Rolls House, 7 Rolls Buildings, Fetter Lane, London EC4A 1NH, telephone 01 831 7130. (You must register with cither your careers adviser or Mairi Eastwood at least 2 weeks prior to our visit . A

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THE GOOD FOOD GUIDE FOR CHEMICAL ENGINEERS

Chemical Engineers Britain's top producers of Which is why we have an certainly cannot be classed high quality convenience insatiable appetite for as 'foodies'. foods and our range of top talented Chemical Not when it comes to brands include famous Engineers brimming with choosing a career, that is. names like Maxwell House, fresh ideas. Yet the food industry does Bird's Custard, Angel So why starve yourself of offer new graduates some Delight and Cafe Hag. success? really tempting fare. Our products are all best We're visiting your Particularly General Foods sellers and sales continue to University on Friday 16th where Chemical Engineers rise. January 1987. Please have always found exciting To maintain our success we contact your Careers opportunities to utilise are committed to Service for further details. their skills and develop substantial investment in rewarding careers - either research and product in operations or technical development at our research. sophisticated manufacturing General Foods is one of GENERAL plant in Banbury. FOODS It's True. Stapled somewhere within this issue of "Felix" you will find, Yes! The absolutely free and without obligation, your very own designer teabag containing a mix of prescision brewed and hand tooled latest in a leaves fresh from the cutting edge of tea technology; the famous Honeypot Wholefoods Laborat- ories. Yes, you too can become a part of long line of the new craze that is tacking the country by storm by owning what will surely become the cult object of the decade—and don't forget where you saw it first! exciting Yes, here at "Felix" we have, thanks to the kind generosity of Mr. Honeypot of Honeypot Whole- foods, been able to obtain these teabags for no more than their journalistic normal price! Such is the awesome power of student journalism. Mr. Honeypot is now recovering a major trauma brought on by the thought, firsts in this although it was never suggested, that he might be asked to supply the teabags for free. We wish him well and hope that all this free publicity helps and comforts him through his year's super convalescence. Chuck "Norman' Jardine, notorious ex-teahead, snack bar manager, chef, private detective, psychiatrist and one time member of soaraway wild regressive "rock" combo "Norman and the Nutburgers", found it hard to contain his enthusiasm when intervieved early "Felix" comes today: "All the best. . . It was a laugh. . . Steamboat. . . Scroggs... What's the crack. . . Hey," he exclaimed in a rare moment of candour at which this reporter feels the very latest priviliged to have been present. "Yeah," he continued, "I used to do a lot of tea... and biscuits." Nobody laughed except snack bar employees, fearful of future in total employment prospects. There are two things you can do with your absolutely free and without obligation teabag (an designer exciting option for the analy retentive amongst you) : Simply take it to the Union Snack Bar and hand it over to the staff member of your choice. You may then claim teabag your complementary Xmas insult by rejoicing in the salutation, "Ho bloody ho," mispronounced with a regionally disordered Tyne Teas overbite. On no account should you technology attempt to make tea with it CHRISTMAS PUZZLES PAGE

Here's the traditional collection of A Carpet Caper Megabrain Christmas problems. Can you cut the carpet shown The crossword and crossnumber below into two pieces (and only two both have £5 prizes that will be pieces) which fit together to make a awarded to a randomly picked square carpet with no hole in it? correct entry, the rest are just for fun. Answers to the FELIX office by lpm, Wednesday 7th January, 1987. Good luck.and Merry Christmas!

Last issue's puzzle The winner was Irwin Chin , Elec Eng III. Well done, please collect By your prize before the end of term. 12 PRIZE CROSSWORD Brunhilde Here's the answer Across 8124 I Last breaths? (7) 25 A religious ceremony held by 5 Company for me arrive with a ICU with a French no and 371300588 purpose (4,3) American mother (9) 9 Metal holy man takes his turn (5) 26 Northern river is hopeless (2,3) 10 South African faints with a point 27 Is in charge like the editor before 296 into dreams (9) a drink (7) II Cry as seen is needed (9) 28 Lice and tar producing a musical 12 Divide by colour in the Inca's performance (7) tent (5) 13 My pet holds nothing (5) Down 15 Rector Incorporated? Wrong! (9) 1 Eastern scenes evoke aromatic oil Next Number 18 I on used to be cute, dead and 7 What is the next number in the done (9) ( ) following series? 19 Deodorants made without 500 2 Cripple in turmoil for a moral 10, 11, 12, 13,14, 15, 16, 17,21,23, ants is a wild show (5) reason (9) 30, 33, 120, 1111,....? 21 Measures merit? (5) 3 Stare madly at the council's 23 Outrageous seat price to see this demands (5) (4,5) 4 Abe fells with one most important criminal consideration (4,5) 5 Company uses Japanese money to PRIZE CROSSNUMBER buy a rabbit fur (5) Middle Bottom 6 The carnivore's equipment to Top trace eastern rum? (9) lo. 1. 1. a. 10. -11. ft. 11. 11. 7 Tosses a coin instead of lipstick? (5) 8 Short court peers about with awe i. t. «. «. U. 11 tfr. (7) 14 Circular command (4,5) 16 One tin car is a useful vessel (9) 17 Tender soul loses nothing when 1. 8 i. 11. n. if. K. 1*. the game's over (9) 18 Tic in need caused temptation (7) 20 Ship's clock sounds once only (3,4) These are the three levels of a (13,14,15) Digits all different, their 22 2001 plus 101? Copy! (5) three dimensional cross number. sum is 17. 23 Psi, epsilon, rho! Code for this Each square is filled by a single digit. (12,15,18) Successive digits differ by agent(5) Clues may be given at the same level, same amount. 24 In a quiet one hundred there may straight up or down, or diagonally. Bottom be pandemonium (5) All clues will be for squares in a (19,20,21) Multiple of 5. straight line. Numbers in brackets (20.23.26) Multiple of (14). The Big Match! always refer to positions on the grid. (21.24.27) Sum of digits is 16. This one is very simple but often Top (25,26,27) The square of (11,14). confuses people even though the (1,2,3) Digits of (25,26,27) Other clues answer's staring them in the face. rearranged. (1,11,21) Multiple of 9. Move just one match to make the (1,4,7) Multiple of (21,24,27). (3.12.21) Each digit no more than sum correct. The whole expression (3,6,9) A cube. the previous, no digit = 9. must be in the same number system. (7,8,9) Successive digits differ by (4.14.24) Sum of digits is same as (17). sum of digits of (10,11,12). Middle (4.13.22) lst digit divided by 2nd (10,11,12) No digit = 0. digit equals 2nd divided by third. (10,13,16) Equals (2,11,20) plus (7.16.25) Multiple of (8). (19,22,25). (9,18,27) Multiple of 3. not half as respectful as he should be 19 It gets to Monday, and you He asks you how you feel about work, you assume that he the one to a barabarian, you break his neck. go to sign on. After a few weeks they this, and while you would honestly called Pig. Chaos suddenly breaks out in the get rather pissed off at you killing all like to tell him all about the angst of "Yes, Sir Pig," you reply proudly, room, as people demand that you the people before you in the queue, being an everyday teenage frog, it trying not to notice the annoyance on stop pushing in as they havce been and agree to send a cheque through only seems to come out as "Rivit." his face. waiting for the last two days to get an the post every two weeks if you stay The game is over. If you want to "Got a right fruitcake 'ere," interview, and could be bothered to away and go down the Jobcentre play again, simply go to paragraph mutters his accomplice. You gather doleQJJEST bring their sleeping bags. instead. Go to 22. one again. from this that barbarians are known Do you decide on a quiet life and as fruitcakes in this neck of the queue instead (14) or slay the resto f 20 You find yourself in a woods. these upstarts (25)? dingy room full of people either 24 With a mighty blow from The one you think is called Fuzz sitting at windows, or waiting to sit at your sword, you cleave the figureo f asks you if you would like to 12 You find a job going at the the windows. A sign on the wall says the Stockbroker in two. Disturbed at accompany them to the station. You local creche, and dutifully trot down 'Unemployment Benefit Office'. You his lack of resistance you wonder if reply that you haven't been there for an interview. The come to the conclusion that the name you have done the rightthing , but this introduced properly yet, and that interviewer doesn't seem to be too of this game is to sit at a window and is the sort of action barbarians are your mother warned you about men keen on your style of dress, and that try to communicate with the person famous for and you tell yourself how like them, leading young warriors your sword is somewhat aggressive, on the other side. proud your father would be right now astray. and she didn't know what the ILEA Do you wait your turn (14) or pull at killing your first Stockbroker. They produce short black clubs. would have to say about it. someone out of the way to get in You notice that a lot of people all Do you surrender (32) or fight(10) ? Roll a die, if it comes up 1 —3, go to quick (11)? seem to be looking at you now, with a 26, if it comes up 4—6, go to 33. few screaming and shouting quite a 29 It is after you've head- 21 The interviewer asks if you lot. Do you run away (18) or wait butted your 20th terminal that you 13 You give her a Grog — a have any qualifications, to which you around (28)? are summoned to see the Big Jobber. large piece of nearly solid gold with a reply that you won the Conan Award He is rather disturbed at your habit of small admixture of lead depending on for skinning rabbits. 25 Now let's face it, chaos is destroying the computers whenever the honesty of the local mint — and He tells you that you are not quite your favourite atmosphere, and you there is a 2 point drop in the FT settle into your room. the sort of person his firmar e looking hack into the assembled crowds until Index, and that he must ask you to Feeling tired after the day's for, but he wishes you the best of luck there is just you and a lot of dead leave. But he does point out that the Bored with gutting buffalo and exertions, you go to sleep. Several in your search for a job. bodies in the room. Go to 3. Prime Minister came round recently hours later you are awakened by the Do you look for another job (22) or and said that she was in need of a sound of moaning and a hideous kill the interviewer (16). 26 You casually mention that replacement for Norman Tebbitt as spearing innocent travellers on the slapping, cracking sound. Thinking you are a hereditary peer, and that his "batteries were beginning to go that someone is being killed next 22 You arrive at the Jobcentre your father is a big noise in the meat flat." plains? We present a game of modern door, vrm ysLllfli enlist your sword and look on the board set aside for business. She turns an odd purple Do you go to the Dole Office 20, he hapless barbarians. Make a saving roll on colour, calms down, and tells you that find somewhere to live 5 or become a your luck, if you fail go to 19, if you you are not quite the sort of person Conservative MP 23? living for every savage nouveau. k the door down i succeed go to 6. they are looking for. Go to 22. 1 to a heavy chair v 30 You realise you are being woman standing over him, holding a just g You are sent to prison for hypnotised by a Level thirteen whip aloft. g - which a- ^a long time.Eventuall y you are Stockbroker. Do you run away (18) You axe Boris the Barbarian, fearless fighter and blatant card 1 Dazed and somewhat confused Monday. Puzzled as to why a reggae brought you to this roo: "Aha, a houri!" you cry. ake out involves once you get around to or fight(24) ? you wake up in a vast hall containing group should appear there, you jobber. "Old fashioned aren't you, love?" a kin*, people who they are going to hat your fellow prisoners cheat, in search of fulfillment and mindless violence. However, giant hexagonal structures and wander down to the Jobcentre. Go to As far as you can makf'out, this she replies. mttJcLanaTBlling them if they get playing one of your 31 You weren't too keen on you found yourself engaged in an argument with a mighty wizard glowing glass plates. People are 22. involves bashing lots of kw so that Do you kill her (2), kill him (31) or the wrong ansv. ? - when you feel a which is all about the way that the man enjoyed being about whether a pair is worth more than a flush, in which you still milling around in lightweight cotton numbers appear on the screen, and . ». Suddenly ^^yer the head with a killed — but these things happen. clothing. You can just about make 4 At that point the Managing head-butting the screen if this doesn't lack, andfwhen you meat taiaUn) Now, do you run away (20) or hang maintain that cutting off his left arm was an accident. But if out two words in the distance — FT Director comes in and tells you that work. You think that you can really up again you see the face of a When you get k do you go north around for the hell of it (27)? people will insist on muttering to you in arcane languages and Index. Being a barbarian you tell he likes your style. He says he hasjust get to grips withjMe head-butting ^'ha annoyed, very powerful wizal^fl 20 or souths? yourself that Fourier Transforms are had a visit from the Alliance leader, part, even if the ^jr-bashing part I inters s. discovered that you picked^ 32 Wimp! You are taken to a making rude gestures this sort of thing is going to happen. The wizard's business and not to be who says that Roy Jenkins just isn't doesn't turn you on. Irf Eket just tjefore he sent you 28 Suddenly * wo me, place known as a Police Station, wizard amazed, at the amount of information you can pack into tampered with. the man he was, and would you like to Go to 29. and would like his two hundred blue clothing and wearing d where lots of people called Bobby, the single word "urgh", decides to transport you into another Suddenly, as your ears clear from stand at the next election for the back thank you very much, d hats with the crt 51 of the i. <> Fuzz and Pig hang out, so to speak. Alliance. Go to 23. u are just beginning to explain'' them appear through You are introduced to the Station world — totally different from your own. A world where wizards the shock of being sent spiralling through the dimensions by a powerful much you enjoy being a y door. From the whitrers of v Sergeant who says he is called Smith. don't exist and Barbarian means a rugby player from New spell — something, which along with 5 While walking (kSwnVaj itary. Candidate, and why Towd they seem to be calle^Tfed ^You ask him why he isn't called Zealand. Boris has become part of the 20th century. smoking the Gilda weed, the Council you see a 'room to let' signet do ie^'have'ftiejn here, when with find ntizz. Bobby, Fuzz or Pig, to which he just of Alchemists has put an official seem too bad/{jjon^fh^ of his right arm, the wizard ' fatter ofthe men asks you if sells you to mind your step. health warning on — you realise that perhaps a little respectable o a frog. of the Stockbroker is yo' He begins to fill out a form, and Playing the game someone is trying to talk to you. image-conscious barbarian, - :a§ks you your occupation to which His language is difficult to you ring the doorbettr^ yqu,reply 'Fruitcake', thinking that This part is dead simple, unlike our more expensive counterpart. understand, but you can just about An elderly woman app |8te*waujdn't understand the term Boris has the nasty habit of winning fights , mainly because the work out that he is asking if you are a door, cigarette irj her moutfC?3 'Barbarian'. He simply says: "You again", but gets very Barbanogram and who is it that you Although slightly perturbed at youl Tii sajjt tha| average 20th Century citizen doesn't own a broadsword. This you dutifully comply, are looking for. mode of dress, she decides that you^ anSlteed \ means that combat rules are dead simple, as there aren't any. seem wholesome enough and leads Ever u are taken down to You tell him that you are Boris the phere you are left with Barbarian, and have been sent here by you in. On the way in you ask her the dunf All you have to do is calculate Boris' intelligence by rolling 1 ms to be Marilyn where she gets the disposable Gilda a man who a mighty wizard who was pissed off at Monroe and keeps on going on about three dice and adding up the total. Not very clever is he? Weed pipes from, and how long does losing at Poker. The man says he the Niagara Falls at great length until Occasionally you will be called upon to make a saving roll. the fix last. understands and starts to explaining you introduce him to the walls. Go to This involves rolling two dice, adding Boris' Intelligence score to about the place he calls the 'Stock All she says is: "Bloody kids, all lW \ You realise that these guys really I speak your language, and you 27. it and seeing if the total is more than 20. If it is then you have Exchange'. It is only when he gets to they ever think about." and carries on the bit about Milton Friedman and up the stairs. try to impress them with a really neat made the roll, if it isn't then you have failed. Monetarism that you realise you are Eventually you come to the room, trickjyou learned in the Nicotine 33 She asks if you have any falling into a deep sleep. and you have a look inside. Mountains back home from All that remains is to say that you start at paragraph 1 and homicidal Buddhist sect. The trick qualifications like 'O'-levels. You Make a saving roll on Intelligence. Remembering your home world, you involves holding one of your reply that you don't, but you say that carry on according to which decisions you make or are told to go. If you make it go to 30. If you fail go tell her about the Caves of Bogg assailants off with your left foot, 17 ^Jj^oulRHsFjob going for a you love small children, and that you to 15. where you get hot dripping water through the roof as an optional extra. while you rip the arms off the other Management Consultant, and you know several good recipes. She is In terms of equipment, Boris may be considered to have a She demands a month's rent in one. However, Fuzz (the one who dutifully ttotdoifey o thefuj delighted and offers you a job broadsword, full plate armour, a backpack, a small knife for 2 Don't you find this mindless advance. Do you pay her (13) or get a hasn't just undergone major surgery) interview.^ "rV; immediately. doesn't seem to be too impressed with taking stones out of hobbits' feet, and a pair of Doctor Marten's violence boring after a while? Very job instead (20)? When you get tiie/e, the injfrviewS After making several barbecues well, you kill her. Now, do you kill the your trick and starts blowing on a seems to think -Jfliat your mode with a few of the more well-off Air Wair Seven League Boots. He also has a bag of two hundred man (31) or run away (20)? 6 Roll a die. If it comes up whistle. dress is rather strange for a JiKading. children, a person who claims to be a golden Grogs, taken from the pocket of a certain wizard prior to 1—3, go to 17, if it comes up 4—6, go You decide that the best policy is to Management Consultant, and tipp militant introduces himself to you. 3 You go over to the window, to 12. run away, following the advice of the you need^your haMputtinjg&ia''' You say that he would never make a transportation. Now go to paragraph 1. where you tell the receptionist all your great prophet, Glenoddle: 'He who Roll a die, if itcapifotffi—3 go to soldier, but he doesn't seem to details. She tells you that there isn't 7 Not doing very well today, runs away doesn't get trodden on by a 9, if it corfKSjUjJjjir^-o, go to 21. understand this, and carries on to say much demand for barbarians these are we Boris? As a result of your dirty great giant'. that Dennis Skinner isn't quite as days, especially without any 'O'- inability to get the dice to do the right Do you go East 20 or West 5? 18 Obeying the old saying of vociferous as he used to be, and how levels. thing, you are now in a room of your forefathers, 'If the Gods are not would you like to be known as Boris She gives you a piece of card with glowing glass screens. Next time try 11 You pull someone out of smiling on your fate, run like hell', the Beast of Bolsover. You think this the name of a regf up on it, and nudging the table, or use loaded dice their chair by a window. Deciding you run like hell. Do you go north is a reallynea t idea, and go instantly tells you tc . on every other or something. Anyway, Geoffrey has that he is making too much noise, and (20) or south (5)? to 23. Reviews. FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 1 6

Theatre programme notes describe this as a surreal therapy session. The Shadow Syndicate: Blood Of Everything is provocatively Angels: The Ideal Christmas Party?shroude d in vagueness and 'unclarity' where strong currents of It is hard to know how to start portentous prophesy flow reviewing Blood of Angels by the underneath. The high drama is Shadow Syndicate. There is no arresting, heightened by ingeneous single thing one can say that gets to techniques all serving to extend the the bottom of this strange play. frontiers of what is taking place in Anyone who is unsure just how the small room. innovative and powerful fringe To single out actors would be theatre can be should try to catch pointless, the production is very this play before Christmas. It is much a 'syndicate' production. breathtaking. Each of them communicates a On the outside it sounds a little haunting scene of what they are preposterous: Oscar Wilde's doing. Whether the audience Salome; light 50's music, prophecy, understands or not they seem to intrigue. It sounds like a vague totally understand the esoteric melee of unconnected ideas but it is nature of their play. Credit for its nothing of the sort. conception goes to Jon Pope and Instead we are treated to a play Peter Granger Taylor, the latter also that has been constructed with great writing recent Syncicate hit 'Between intelligence and the utmost in the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'. imagination. Wilde's risky 'Salome' You would not be disappointed in (too hot for the English stage to this play. From the moment you are handle in its time) is the key or ushered into the small theatre until interior. The exterior is a setting of the moment you leave you will be the 1950's complete with the band witness to a production of total evocative music of that period. theatricality. The adjective 'camp' There is a similar duality in these could be applied if you wished but two as the plot unfolds, not in any derogatory sense—more investigating the characters and in envy of the brilliantly devious their relationships in a bizarre minds who created this stage flight probing ritual manner that involves of the imagination. the acting of Salome. The McNeil e l7 ***

with an OMD-like vocal hum intro won Eurovision, and would have leading into a slow, but powerful succeeded with their current album, sounding track, and 'Swept', which 'Writing on the Wall', if it wasn't for Records is a quieter ballad-type number, the 'two men, two women, all sing with plenty of acoustic piano. together' format of their chorusses Having proved what a successful Frankie Goes to Hollywood on which is a dead giveaway of their style Spandau Ballet have, their the other hand, have been so kinship with the unspeakable record label would obviously be incredibly successful that they stand Swedish quartet. Their current requesting more of the same, but the little chance of maintaining the sound is characterised by modern material needs to slightly different fantastic success they so quickly sounding digital percussion, and from previous albums, which I found. The songs on their quite strong solo vocals during the believe that on 'Through the 'Liverpool' album are in general a verses, and a few new ideas, such as Barricades' is, for the most part. lot better thought out before they the harmonica on 'The Company Little has changed in the musical reach the Trevor Horn big sound you Keep', which also includes the arrangement; we still hear the crisp department than was the case on the soul-type bass that Paul Young and always-in-tune lead vocals, last LP, but somehow have lost that record's always used to feature. interspersed with the ubiquitous cult appeal. With one exception, 'Love in a World gone Mad' sax, but the guitar on 'Cross the 'Watching the Wildlife', the tracks actually sounds quite 5-star like in Line' is that little bit heavier, and on are the same combination of driving parts, but despite their efforts, I several tracks, the melody is much beat/bass and big-sound synth don't think they're sufficiently more adventurous, and less Chorus that go down well on radio detached from 'Making your mind 'formula'. The songs are all pretty and in discos, although you can't up' to appeal to a wider audience. long, and most have one of those easily dance to 'For Heaven's Sake', My favourite track was 'Magical' quiet 'take-a-rest' bits half way leaving little else to recommend it. which is rhythmically very strong, in through, which is particularly However, the acoustic piano on fact several tracks could stand up in effective on 'Man in Chains', with 'Watching the Wildlife' does a lot to a disco well if it weren't for peoples the bongos in the background. soften the sound, and is a real pre-conceptions. example of rhythmic music, rather Possibly the strongest tracks other Finally, check-out that than musical rhythym. than the title are 'How Many Lies', indescribable Christmas record Bucks Fizz have spent five years from the Baron-Knights. X trying live down the fact that they Dick P Canary E£5 Reviews. FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 17 ** mm subtitled, "French nuclear colonialism in the Pacific". It details the way the French Government has pettily resisted all moves to Polynesian independence so that they can explode a few atom bombs...Dare one draw parallels Books with "The Mission"—one of the most outspoken proponants of independence was Pouvanaa, a "Billy Boy" by W. Mason, Methuen Christian pastor who was arrested £2.95. on a trumped-up charge of arson at This first novel by author William the age of 64 and sentenced to 8 Mason chronicles the life and times years solitary confinement plus 15 of Billy Jenkins, a working class years banishment from Polynesia. A teacher struggling to make a living very well-written book, it would in Jamaica. Billy flees Jamaica after make you a confirmed Franco- getting into trouble with the local phobe, if the authors (who are gang who put out a death contract goodies) weren't French as well. on him. Returning to England he Costs £3.95. meets Caroline and falls in love with The last and best book "Learning her. Caroline has, however, only got man obsessed by death, breaking up eyes for Callum, her childhood tne Sunrise Technology", Robert marriages, purely horrible children sweetheart, and ignores Billy totally. Bolt's "The Mission", Bengt and and a man who for 'a small price' During an intensely erotic Marie-Therese Danielson's seduces a shop-girl in a petty way. chapter set in Callum's flat, "Poisoned Reign" and Margot The longest story, 'Learning By Caroline realises that Callum's love Livesey's "Learning By Heart". Heart' traces the mirrored lives of a is merely a sham and runs to be with The Sinclair book is a bit turgid young woman and her stepmother; Billy. Billy, thinking that his love is for holiday reading, but would come the knock-on effect of unloving— unrequited, and after a particularly in handy as a case study for an from her stepmother's unhappy long and moving account of his economics essay. In this type of childhood comes the daughter's difficult childhood, has meanwhile book two flaws are open to the own misery. To quote W.H. Auden, hung himself. biographer/journalist; either to my pretentious bit for the week; The book ends with Caroline concentrate on personalities at "Those to whom evil is done/Do weeping over Billy's body in his flat expense of fact or on fact at the evil in return". But that was about in the East End of London. expense of personality. Unfortun- Hitler. The book nevertheless The prose captures the frailties of ately the latter course was taken, manages to steer clear of depression, the human condition with startling and when I wanted to know what Sir and is full of the "warp and woof of precision and is well worth the Clive is like—does he beat his kids human experience", costs £3.95 and struggle through some of the (or even does he have any), what was though it sounds naff to say it, lengthier chapters, just for Billy's the result of his forceful mother on would make an ideal Christmas monologue premature to his his life, does he eat boiled eggs for present. untimely death. breakfast?—I was left with a couple Nigel Barker, Happy Christmas and a Merry of pages at the beginning and a few New Year, references to his "forcefulness and By Heart" is the first collection of Sarah Kirk. IAN A DA M S ON AND RICHARD KENNEDY determination". A very masculine Margot Livesey's short stories. They biography, dare I say, with the one are all subtle, with a faintly mystical noticeable feature being the way air; details are distilled. Many of the SINCLAIR that all these little-boys-playing-at- stories are about rocky and HAND THE MB electronics monumentally failed to embittered human relationships— SUNRISE' answer the question; "what good is an elder sister who would not let her it?". Miniaturisation and younger sister marry until she had, a TECHNOLOGY innovation were ends in themselves. Costs £3.95. "The Mission" book of the film is several orders of magnitude more interesting than Sinclair, and a good read whether you've seen the film or not. In many places it fills out the characters and eliminates the devious politics of the court of Portugal that cost the Missions their existance. Some new personalities are introduced, such as the ambitious Carvalho, Portugal's Minister for Foreign Affairs. The Yo ho ho! Christmas is a-coming span of the film is better at and the EEC turkeys, fattened with transmitting the clash between the oestrogens are getting fat. Those Kingdom of God and the Kingdom nice people, the penguin press office, of men, and the'emotional content is have sent me four books to review more charged; the book is more for your delectation and delight, calm and detached: it stands back and here they are; starring (in and gives a factual account. Costs alphabetical order) Ian Adamson £2.95 and definitely worth it. and Richard Kennedy's debagging "Poisoned Reign" by Bengt and of the Sinclair myth "Sinclair and Marie-Therese Danielson is ND ClAlRlEIE

Once you've graduated, with letters after your name, it's time to consider numbers. Chartered Accountancy is a profession which can certainly add up. And, if you were to opt for one of the more dynamic firms like Peat Marwick, you'd soon find yourself with more than you'd counted on. Like a thorough training programme designed to equip you with an all-round professional expertise. Like an extremely challenging and varied lifestyle working for large corporations all over the world. And the opportunity to earn enough money to keep the wolf several miles from the door. So if you're interested in a career in which money, travel and job satisfaction figure largely, and getting even more letters after your name, visit us at The Careers Fair on 20th October or write to: Alan Kingsley, Peat, Marwick, Mitchell & Co., I Puddle Dock, Blackfriars, London, EC4V 3PD. PEAT MARWICK

SIT ON IT

Chelsea Cycles (Mend-a-BIke) Storage space will be 1 3-15 Park Walk available over the London SW10 01-352 3999 Christmas Period to those who require it

Park Walk Garage, London SW10 CHELSEA CYCLES (MEND-A-BIKE) FROM A TODDLER TO A PROFESSIONAL LiU NEW & USED CYCLES FULLY GUARANTEED FULHAM ROAD FULL SPARES & REPAIRS BACK UP SAME DAY REPAIR SERVICE CYCLE HIRE AND WHOLESALE 107 STUDENT DISCOUNT CHELSEA CYCLE Feature FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 1 9

Those Who Would Be President

Briefcases and Filofaxes will be apologies for his absence to Exec the naffest job in the Union together producing ugly bulges in Christmas meetings. His need to speak on any with Ordinary Member of Reactor stockings for many, but budding matter as long as it is about student Safety Committee—is curious to say Presidential candidates will be residence or security has led to him the least. However, his interest in getting highlights put in their hair, making up totally fictitious stories posters may extend just as long as contact lenses and a new pair of about Weeks Hall and then February when his own face starts flares. It's only December and the apologising for the situation in appearing on the Walkway. He can race is on us once again as to who public. cite as previous experience his less can gain credibility as quickly as However this ability to keep quiet than friendly attitude to people possible without actually achieving has meant that his soon-to-be- caught borrowing stools from the anything. created cardboard cut-out replica is Snack Bar. Whose are the faces that will be currently one of the favourites for adorning the walkway, and pushed the Presidency. Its combination of under every hall door in February? silence and inability to write makes Spotting the Presidential candidate it incapable of embarrassing itself Due to a mix-up at the is an easy task. The subject will first and has been shown to be more chemists we are unable express an irrepressible need to popular as it has been invited to all to bring you Hugh speak at UGMs, no matter how little committee meetings in the Union. Southey's bum, but we they know about a topic. The next think you'll find the step is to try to get on as many palm trees we were sent committees as possible, even if it instead far more means crashing them in the first attractive. place. The final, fatal stage is to There are certain advantages with write long articles in various College already having been a sabbatical, a magazines on their current la Hugh 'Bigbum' Southey one-time province, be it as Internal FELIX Editor and now holder of Lavatories Officer or CCU Vomit the maximum number of legitimate Monitor. When this stage is reached committee posts himself. Bigbum there is no turning back, and usually seems to believe that the art of being leads to permanent emotional scars, a good Presidential candidate is to Simon Singh in his such as actually becoming sit on any committee he can, famous impersonation President. without actually achieving of Dame Edna Everage. FELIX presents its own dossier anything. Only two things stand in on who has developed this his way: his constant gyratory frightening syndrome around motion makes it impossible to take In a last ditch bid to Backing the CCU corner is Simon college this year. clear photographs of him for his save last year's RCS 'Short Skirt' Singh, so named election publicity, and secondly because of his habit of getting Dinner, Tom Melliar- Jackie might not let him stand. Smith does a hopeless various Rocky Horror events impression of Willie organised just so that he can show of Rushton. his legs at them, or it might be due to Christine extolling the virtues of dressing up in drag that has brought Another approach to the this on. We may have seen the birth Presidential campaign is to take as of a new form of sabbatical many first years as possible in order credibility. His other qualification to gain fame and votes—often using t false registration slips to prove they for the job is his political are really students (one of the little ambivalence, otherwise known as rules that stops people like Ronald hypocrisy. Whilst backing the thrice Reagan and Papa Doc Duvalier failed student, Tony Spencer as from ever becoming President). Broadsheet Editor, he was somewhat less at home with the idea The current exponent of this of having Tom Meliar-Smith as technique is Tom 'Fallguy' Meliar- Hon Sec last year despite his similar Smith who has managed to spend situation. Ian Howgate's his time in Life Science I, Pretending To Be Life Sci I Again Though Not cardboard cutout was Incorrigible rubber Really A Student At All, and now not too keen on being fetishist, Chas Jackson photographed. Geology I. However during his 'enforced holiday' he held down the tries on his latest outfit. Diagnosed as suffering from an post of RCS Hon Sec is spite of a few acute form of committee rules banning that sort of thing—so A no less senior compatriot in Chem attendance, Ian 'Showroom Dummy' formalites like 'good academic Eng is Chas 'Grandpa' Jackson, Howgate has shown such keenness standing' in order to be a sabbatical whose extraordinary keenness to be to be elected that he has even sent shouldn't bother him too much. Publicity Officer—hot favourite as FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 20 FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 21

and a blackboard they saw The LIVE-NET system alternate pictures of the should not be wasted on things Opinion: A View To lecturer's head and his for which suitable technology prewritten* notes. The lecturer already exists. It should be simply went through the notes "the LIVE-NET system used, as far as possible, for Pacifism At Christmas on the screen and the should not be wasted on truly interactive situations: students dutifully copied them seminars; short committee turning the other cheek: Is it just a down. There was almost no things for which suitable meetings; more discursive It should not be taken from this article that all Christians are display of weakness and passivity, interaction between the technology already lectures; intercollegiate opposed to weapons, the MoT), or like Nietzsche thought? Is it just a students and the lecturer exists" discussion groups for people in whatever, but all Christians desire bunch of good principles, except for the occasional the same discipline; etc. If peace in the world by some means, unapplicable and impractical in query about a subscript and LIVE-NET must be used for this violent and dangerous world? one correction. Afterwards, and in this sense are pacifists, this formal lectures, then desire being firmly based on As a matter of fact, in the last the students said that they academics are going to have to appreciated not having to biblical teaching. 4000 years war has failed to eliminate war from the Earth. The travel, but expressed doubts It seems self-evident to many about the legibility of the next major war will probably TP? people that there exists things eliminate the human race as well as by Sunny Bains writing on the screen and the worth defending, worth dying for, wars. In the light of modern pace of the lecturer. They felt even killing for. Most people would warfare and of history as a whole that because he didn't have to also agree that war, killing, one can't dismiss non-violence as write anything down himself, violence constitute maybe the naive or simply defeatist. Couldn't he didn't leave enough time worst nightmare humans can it be precisely because of the use of Imperial College has recently A good example of this was for them to take down notes. suffer, and that they should be violence that after every war new become part of LIVE-NET, one the first formal transmission It may be that this type of avoided as much as possible. divisions immediately form, new of the world's first academic "It will allow more and from IC, a postgraduate lecture is more suited to video Contrary to most of us, who hatred and new interests drive interactive video networks. better communication... Physics lecture. Students who tape than the video network. rarely think where the line must be people to worse conflicts? Couldn't British Telecom approached but only If users spend attended were from both Had the lecture been recorded drawn, Augustine of Hippo was a there be something fundamentally the University of London with wrong with the idea that we can time learning how to use Imperial College and at IC in the morning and sent thinker who asked when war can be a partly developed network University College, the UCL to UCL in the afternoon, then justified. For him, a war was make peace by endlessly preparing system, which they offered to It effectively" students usually having to the UCL students would have acceptable if non-combatants were more destructive weapons? Can we the University free of charge travel across London for the been able to stop the tape respected, if it were waged by a really go on forever, shall they (temporarily) in return for its course. Instead, the students when necessary. Any other legitimate authority for a good never be used? More than a matter further development. The main hope for the simply made their way to the problems could have been cause against unjust aggression, of specific policies and politics, we seem to be immersed in a society The University became system is that it will allow TV studios in their respective sorted out in a twenty minute and if the benefit from fighting it which 'religiously' believes more and better LIVE-NET tutorial or, better outweighed the destruction caused formally involved with the colleges. The lecture was violence is a reasonable, necessary still, a face-to-face tutorial Colin Grimshaw — switching the channels for IC. by it. A war shouldn't be fought if project in March of this year. communication between conducted in exactly the same evil. In October the hardware people who are doing similar way as usual, except that which probably would have to there was no chance of winning it. started arriving, and IC, work in different parts of the instead of seeing a lecturer take place anyway. St. Augustine's thinking, based on The answers are not easy. We all University College and Senate University, and that it will rethink their teaching style: 4th Century Christianity still feel we must protect our families, House were connected up in allow intercollegiate teaching. abandon their old practices for reflects what we would call friends, even our civilization; but time for the 'Science for There is no doubt that this is a some which are more reasonable requirements. the way to do it becomes (as it Industry' Exhibition. Kings realistic objective, but only if compatible with television (and On the other a few people should) less and less obvious. College came on line more those who use the system are less compatible with sleep?). throughout history have rejected As a Christmas wish, may we recently, and it is hoped that prepared to spend time Unfortunately many academics war, mainly on religious grounds. start searching for the way to Queen Mary College, Royal learning how to use it are extremely reluctant to Christians followed the 'turn the Peace: we who are responsible for Holloway and Bedford New effectively. change their styles c" teaching. other cheek' way of life until people it. College, and the University of At the moment the system We can only hope that the stopped burning them and feeding M. Moutoussis, London Computer Centre will can give four pictures to any prospect of looking foolish on them to the lions (around 300AD). ICCU Social Action Rep. be connected in the new year. college simultaneously. By TV will give them the impetus Love for enemies, forgiveness, switching one can get as to think harder about how to many signals as are give lectures in the studio. transmitting, four at a time. At The LIVE-NET system is the moment, all switching is restricted by the fact that only "the real question Is done manually, however, one group of people can use it going to be whether the designing software to make at once, i.e. there are only as University gets enough the technician's job obsolete many hours available in the (e.g., to keep one channel real use out of the system 'intercollegiate lecture theatre' always switching to whoever is as there are in any other room to make Its development speaking for a more-than-four- in the University. The LIVE- worthwhile" way conversation) is part of NET theatre is also the development which the considerably more expensive University has undertaken. to maintain. While it is, of The LIVE-NET system is course, necessary to get state of the art technology: people to use the system, it is Those who attended the more important in many ways exhibition were amongst the this does not necessarily mean, however, that it will to make sure they use it first in the country to use the effectively right from the 'video telephone', and they automatically benefit its users. A bad or mediocre lecture will beginning. seemed to enjoy doing so. not be improved by putting it There is no doubt that the Those involved with the on LIVE-NET, indeed, some of system works. The real LIVE-NET project are aware of the restrictions of the medium the problems related to the question is going to be (such as having a lecturer who whether the University gets system. Indeed, they have a is forced to stay seated, rather consultant whose job is to enough real use out of the than being able to run around system to make its deal with the basic problem of gesticulating) could make making a man and machine development worthwhile, or lectures worse. Bad teaching compatible. Perhaps their whether British Telecom is will be emphasised by the biggest problem will come in simply presented with a medium, not hidden. So far, trying to make people want to marketable product at the end the system has not always interact. One can only wish of the day, with the been used to its user's best the project the best of luck University's only reward being advantage, simply through and hope that LIVE-NET can the prospect of royalties and insufficient thought about its The LIVE-NET system In use during the 'Science for Industry' Exhibition in October. help to pull the University the knowledge of a 'job well strengths and weaknesses. together - and not die trying. done'. FFI IX FELIX, Friday November 28th 1986 22 Korfball Badminton

UL Win Successes Tournament In UAU

On Saturday 29th November, the In the last two weeks badminton University of London Korfball team players from IC have achieved two travelled to Nottingham for the last remarkable victories in ladies and tournament before Christmas as mixed doubles. reigning champions. The most notable victory came The UL second team led the way last weekend when the badminton with three victories to win their club sent a team to represent the Tough Opposition group fairly comfortably. However, College at the UAU Individuals due to the rules of the competition, Championships. Robin Martin and At the second meeting of the Despite the racing debut of our they were unable to compete further Julie Goodeve stormed through to London Colleges ski league, we Club Treasurer, Clare Murphy, we and this prevented a possible all- the Ladies Doubles Final by enjoyed some good racing against still need female skiers to complete London final. crushing anything that stood in their tough opposition. The Imperial first the teams.' So if there are any good female skiers who wish to race, Five teams were in the second way. In the quarter finals they easily team, Victor Misawa, Kate Finch, contact us through the union pigeon group including the three strongest beat Loughborough's first pair, who Ivor Gillbe, Mark Schmidt and holes or come to one of our in the country. UL started well with boasted half of last years winners, Mike Johnston, reached the final meetings. emphatic victories over the weaker 15:6 15:2, and in the semi-final they only to be narrowly beaten by UCL. teams of Nottingham, 4—0, and annihilated the number two seeds Our other two teams had a good Next race is in the Spring Term on Sheffield, 4—1. After this, the from Sheffield 15:2, 15:1. evening's racing coming slightly Saturday 17th January at Hemel games became a lot more tense, and The final, against another lower down the results. Hempstead. with strong defences, scoring unseeded pair from Birmingham, became a lot harder. was a closer and tougher match but Basketball The next game, against Oxford, the IC pair were never in any real was very tight but UL eventually trouble. They won the title 15:12, struggled to victory, 3—2, mainly 15:10. due to better long range shooting. There were other good This led to a group-deciding match performances that weekend, again Basketball Blues against arch-rivals Brighton which featuring Robin and Julie. In the was won 2—1 after an all-out effort mixed doubles Robin reached the for revenge following last week's quarter finals with Sean Mulshaw, The team played in the South East our final game we beat Surrey by defeat. and Julie reached the last 16 with UAU tournament at Essex 44—33. A joint Lancaster and York team Graham Scott. In the Ladies singles University on Saturday 15th of It was a good performance and were the opponents in the semi final, Sue Yates played extremely well to November in Colchester. Despite we were unfortunate to lose two and after taking an early 1—0 lead, reach the last 16 and only narrowly this being the first time the team had games by such a small margin. they seemed capable of holding UL lost 11:8 11:6 to miss out on the played together we performed well Our first league game was played to this score until two well worked quarter final. and, with some luck, could have against UCL on Thursday 27th. the plays in the last three minutes both It was a memorable weekend. qualified for the knock out stage of game was very competitive but we produced goals and hence gave The other success took place the the tournament. always had the edge over UCL and victory to UL, 2—1. week before in the Hammersmith We played 3 games and won 1. after we weathered a period of The final was a rematch against and District Badminton Tourna- The first two games, against Kent intense UCL pressure in the second Oxford who had thrashed their ments. Four pairs from IC took and the home team Essex, we lost half, we were comfortable winners semi-final opponents. Both defences part—two in both the mens and narrowly by 55—59 and 56—60. In by 76—74. played tight, controlled korfball and mixed doubles. The standard of neither side seemed capable of badminton was pretty good and Ten Pin Bowling scoring. With only five minutes left, although three pairs did not qualify the referee awarded a very dubious for the semi finals, it was Robin penalty to Oxford, and when scored Martin and Sean Mulshaw that it seemed to have settled the match. found themselves in the semi finals But after an excellent long range of the mixed. Bowlers' Bad Patch equaliser from UL, the Oxford That match proved to be the most defence seemed to fall apart and UL testing game all day. Having built In the past few weeks we've had we arrived at Tolworth we had scored again to win the match, and up a commanding lead the three matches and not surprisingly already lost the match 10—0. tournament, 2—1. opposition then began a comeback, we didn't win one. However, in the Special mentions go to Paul In the three tournaments entered and little by little the lead was two against Southhampton we had Gaines, Andy Rayner and Nicky this term, UL have won two and reduced. However, the IC pair kept moral victories. That is we scored Fletcher for service beyond the call been losing finalists in the other. their composure and won the game points for the first time this season. of duty. Team.-Russel Norton, David 21:16. This first match was a 5—5 draw There is no bowling for the rest of Finnaey, Takis Frontizis, Jacky In the final it was a similar story. that we should have won whilst the the year but next term bowling will Knowles, Kate Duley, Paul Stahl,Havin g easily won the first game second was lost 8—2 after we looked start again on the second Brian Gubner, Matt Reckamp, Ian15: 4 (the best of three match) the like getting a draw. The worst Wednesday. If you've never come Craig, Catherine Porter, Helen second game was conceded 15:10. performance of the week was by bowling before then now is the time Grinyer, Karen Wilden, Penny The deciding game was consider- Capital Coaches on Wednesday to start because you'll have your Sharp. ably closer but Robin and Sean when they turned up seventy grant cheque waiting to be spent. managed to clinch the title 15:12. minutes late. This meant that when UL is losing several players after Christmas and so needs new players (no experience necessary) to join the club. Would anyone interested, male or female, contact D. Finney (Physics 1) or R. Norton (Chem Eng 2) via the pigeonholes. Felix FELIX, Friday November 28th 1986 23

Sailing go in search of him. Miraculously the mist began to lift and some wind Football appeared enabling racing to begin, your reporter having maneouvered Sailors both teams onto the water. In the testing light-air conditions IC lacked boatspeed in the Firsts Lose On Penalties Adrift unfamiliar Laser 2's. Added to this Ten members of IC Sailing Club our Commodore's delight in sailing IC's best performance of the season the crossbar. Essex's equaliser, was filled two cars on Saturday and set into things (like the opposition) and ended in heartache as Essex moved fortuitious, however, as an Essex off for Oxford with some foggy idea his quick test of his dry suit neck- into the next round of the UAU on player's overhead kick found the of the whereabouts of Farmoor seal (it leaks!) meant that the first the lottery of penalty kicks. Essex top corner, the half-time score reservoir. The first arrived safely, few races all went Oxford's way. were the villains of the piece, stayed at 1—1. the other three quarters of an hour Eventually the team pulled itself according to the IC camp, after the In the first meeting, Essex's all later. Our Captain and Commodore together and began to show what it reply was forced to be played again round fitness told in the second half, lost themselves in Abingdon and was capable of, but by this time it at Colchester. Also, preparations but this time round, to their asked for directions. Fortunately, was too late on in the curtailed series did not go according to plan—IC immense credit, IC dominated the hapless individual they picked of races. The result was a narrow suffered their first defeat this season proceedings while not creating on was a member of last years team defeat by a team not tactically at the 13th hurdle to a very strong many chances. Essex made even and knew where the reservoir was! superior just slightly faster, the re- London Hospital Side. less. But the pressure of not Back at the pond there was no match in the Spring promises to be Uncharacteristically, IC made a conceding anything meant that the wind and the water lay shrouded in even more closely fought. Many superb start, completely midfields were packed and defences mist. A decision on whether to race thanks must go to our two drivers overrunning the opposition, and solid. The full-time score remained was postponed until the afternoon, Sam and Adam and to our taking the lead after 10 minutes 1—1 and Oxford sternly got on with some Commodore Richard for getting us when Paul Olden's powerful Extra time came and went in a boat repairs, both teams thinking of there, (via Abingdon?) downward header bounced into the flash and hence to penalties. Essex all the far more interesting things Those present (and guilty) top corner. Shortly after, Byron scored all of their five kicks, and no they could be doing. Richard Brimelow (Commodore), Wood almost made it 2—0 when his one can argue with that. After lunch it was left to your Malcolm Hunter, Rrichard Jacman, shot at the far post was miraculously Team:A. Allen, M. Bradley, P. intrepid reporter to lead the way. He Apostolos Leonidhopoulos, Daniel kicked away by the Essex keeper. Ewart, P. Dyson, L. Dovill, B. sailed off alone into the mist in Lucas-Clements, Charles Oxley, Essex began to find their attacking Wood, S. Cole, P. Olden, N. search of the windward mark. This Samantha Page (Captain), Jenny movements, and they nearly scored Vandenbegin, D. Lynne (Capt.), N. forced the others to get changed and Ramsey, Adam Stork, Eric. twice, once hitting the underside of Collier, Sub:R. Kelly.

Football

From The Sublime

After losing last time out, Selkirk A well built move resulted in a Hall football team introduced some crashing shot to equalise. new faces on Sunday. With a groin- It was late in the first half that the strain causing skipper M. ever-threatening Tonge struck. Birmingham to fail a late fitness test, With a breathtaking run beating the scene was set for the return ofthe four men, he proceeded to walk the elegant skills of R. Tonge. This was ball around former Egyptian to prove a decisive factor. national team goalkeeper A. Due to security considerations, Lydabylls'it to put the IC team the team were told that they were to ahead. play Norman and the Nutburgers, In the second half Tonge however this week's opposition combined well with Cardwell to were the experienced Egyptian present the latter with the first hat- Embassy F.C. trick of his international career. Selkirk quickly went 1—Oup with The final result was 4—2 win for a tap in by P. Cardwell, but the Selkirk. diplomats were not to be thwarted. Football

Rugby To The Ridiculous

This was the big one: crashes of Even the Gods exclaimed: "Naff thunder and sheets of lightning That For a Net Nobbier" Rugby Firsts Flatter rained down on the blessed turf as But the Vths take no prisoners the Gods jostled for a good view of and set to work laying siege on The scoreline in this match was and Louis Christopher drove the the game. Commander Galloway QMC's isolated penalty area. extremely flattering towards Goldsmiths pack off the park and led his faithful into the arena and in Rewards came swiftly—Neville Goldsmiths, who were definitely the were rewarded by a pushover try in no time play had commenced Neville amazed everyone with a weaker team. Goldsmiths scored the first half. After half time Andy Even before the IC war machine curling back-heel from the half-way first, after a very lucky kick on in the Watson, the IC scrum-half, stormed had engaged first gear. The line. Adrian (the Irish farmer's mad IC half, but after that did not really over for the final try of the match, opposition dealt it a glancing blow son) scored a hat-trick in 24 get a look into the match. The after which Goldsmiths tried to with a headed glance. But their seconds, Charlie slipped in a quickie Goldsmiths pack was comprehen- make up for their lack of both brains excessive excitement ended to add to the mounting mountain of sively outplayed in every and skill by the use of dirty extremely quickly. Psycho goals and then Rapier Radley scored department of the game, especially play—needless to say, it did not Galloway, fired up and eyes blazing, twice in a mad 4 minutes frenzy. in the scrummage, where their heavy work. IC were now through into the put Jet-Pack Johnson thro-igh, who Cowardly QMC quietly pack was destroyed by IC's next round of the Gutteridge Plate unleashed a ground to air capitulated and congratulated our organisation and drive. IC's second Competition, which will carry on thundercracker from his own six cast-iron comrades. "Great stuff!" run combination of Rob Hogrove after Christmas. yard line. said the Priest. Clubs FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 24

ICCAG - the Soup Run Two Medals

The Imperial College Community as it could have been, so I hope that poem, which he had adapted from a On Sunday 30th November, the Action Group (ICCAG) organises a people reading this will consider song 'The streets of London': Orienteering Club went to Epping soup run which takes place every joining us next term. I don't know Forest to compete in the London You've heard the song Thursday. The soup run takes anyone who has ever regretted championships. Despite the bitterly - Maybe taken in each word bread, soup, biscuits and tea to coming, neither is it a regular cold weather and muddy condition, Yet I've seen beneath the surface homeless people in London. commitment. .two members won medals. Mr. And every note Tve heard. Society's social conscience I would especially ask that Bruce Ainsworth (Geology 3) won For on the streets of London manifests itself as numerous 'hand anyone in London over the the M19A silver medal and Miss Where the lonely tread each day outs' of food, drink, clothing etc. Christmas holiday would come on Clare Caulfield (French Institute 2) I have slept upon the flagstones made available to London's the soup run on the 18th of won the W19 bronze medal. This And tried to will my cares away. homeless. These are often provided December which will be our last run upheld the excellent record of the I have met the old lady by 'professional' soup runners who before next term. club, in the London championships. With a carrier bag her home call at unsocial hours and are The other members all completed Thousands of people in London I have followed the old man usually abrupt. Probably the most their courses, whether running, are homeless. These vary from Now so lost and so alone. important thing about our soup run walking or even swimming(!) with teenagers who have run away from So I can tell you of the loneliness is not therefore the food we bring, the incentive of liquid refreshment home, to ex 'professionals' who And of the sun that doesn't shine but that we bring a group of have dropped out of the rat race. A at the end (ie the orange juice!) students willing to listen and talk. Yet I've seen you in the street, lot have had nervous breakdowns Could a song ever change your mind? We leave Weeks Hall every and are thus unable to cope with Thursday evening at about 9.15 pm, 'normal' society. All these people, Paul taking a union van full of people and having no fixed address, are stuck in Amnesty food to Lincoln's Inn Fields and a trap from which it is almost Derek Hill impossible to escape. You can't get a Embankment. ICCAG Soup Run Coordinator. Vigil We return to College by 11.30pm. job without an address etc. Last week, one of the homeless people I This term support for the soup run Today (December 10th) is United was talking to gave me a copy of this from students has not been as good Nations Human Rights Day. To mark the occasion IC Amnesty along with LSE Amnesty are holding a vigil outside the Soviet Christian Union: A discourse on Death Embassy in support of IC's adopted Prisoner of Conscience, Ivan Starovoit. Starovoit was imprisoned Death. Not a very nice word really. All pretty morbid so far, isn't it? from the dead. Fairy stories! It's in the USSR for peacefully It's not the sort of thing that you Well, there is some more cheering probably the best attested fact in practising his religion as a Jehovah's want to talk about in polite - news. No, I haven't found an elixir history if you will bother to look. Witness. The vigil will be from 2pm company. Tends to stop of life! Well, not exactly. However, Apathy won't do here; if Jesus rose to 5pm. Please come along with us conversations and cause awkward there is one man who is greater even from the dead, then isn't it about and show your concern for human silences. Death has no respect for than death. Just before you start to time that you started listening to rights. We will be leaving the Royal age, colour, religion or sex; it comes switch off at the sound of another what he actually had to say, rather Albert Hall steps (on Prince to us all, no matter who we are. It is funny farm case, take a fresh look at than what you think he said. How Consort Road) at 1.30. If you want not sexist or racist, nor does it hold Jesus. Well, the last time you took a do you find out? Pick up any of the to get involved in Amnesty's any political views, and it is truly look, you were probably an angel in gospels in the New Testament of the campaigns we meet every Tuesday cosmopolitan. (Wot?-Ed). Problem the church nativity play or half Bible—Matthew, Mark, Luke or evening at 5.30 in the Brown is that we want to avoid it. Everyone asleep in the school chapel. Jesus John—and read an historical Committee Room on the top floor who has ever lived and, dare I say it, was the one who said "I am the biography about the man around of the Union Building. anyone who ever will, is going to resurrection and the life" and then whom history pivots! meet death. (Td never have workedraise d a man from the dead. Most that one out-Typesetter) incredible of all, he himself rose Film Soc human community for hundreds, if balderdash and fiddlesticks! We all Cookery not thousands of years. A problem kYiow the answer—don't drink. But Premiere close to many people's hearts. It is a to most of us this would make social subject which causes severe anguish, intercourse a trial instead of a Last Thursday night, Imperial arouses deep sympathy, is not pleasure. College Film Society had its first Jasmine spoken lightly of but treated with This is the time of year when film evening. One hundred and sixty great respect and if someone can many will be suffering from the students packed Physics LT1 to see think of a way to solve it, they'd be excesses of the night before. In order 'Clockwise' starring John Smith stinky-poo rich overnight. Yes, it's that we can continue the scientific Cleese—an uproarious tale of one the dreaded HANGOVER! moulding of our brains, I have day in a school headmaster's life, Take a breather while you recover compiled a list of the "cures" which when his whole world falls apart Shock, horror, gasp, faint! There from the shudders this word frequently are suggested as dead (!?) around him. was a response to this column's first produces. Those of you who have certs: The film was brilliant— appearance. Thanks for pointing no experience in this matter can —drinking something alcoholic absolutely hilarious, and with the out the misdirected arrow on one of obtain blow by blow accounts from first thing next morning (surely this audience joining in, clapping and the diagrams. My correspondent your friends. Instead we shall turn just makes you legless again ?) cheering towards the end, a good has sent in a recipe for boiled eggs our beady eyes to an aspect which —drinking lots and lots of water evening was had by all. with bread soldiers made using a has exercised even the most able before collapsing in a pathetic heap Next term, Film Society hopes to non-automatic kettle, a cup and brains: THE CURE on one's bed. hold more evenings of the same sort, teaspoon. I shall not go into the No, not the rockband, but the —drinking lots of orange juice on a regular basis. Next time procedural details of how to achieve release from the hangover. This because it's liquid and contains refreshments may be provided, and the best results, but shall leave it to topic is surrounded by an air of sugar (then why doesn't hot, sweet the second projector will be you, the reader, to rush out and in a mystery and mystique. The tea work?) working, to bring a more truly scientific manner attempt to imagination throws up images of They all seem to involve drinking! professional air to the show. discover the fastest and easiest way toad's spittle, bat's urine and other Is this significant? I think we should If you would like to know more of obtaining the desired end such delicacies. People gawp in awe be told. Happy experimenting and I product. about Film Society, or would like to at whoever has the audacity to look forward to your reports next become a member, please come Let us move on to a different suggest that they know the answer term! along to the Union Lounge at problem. One which has dogged the to this ailment. I say poppycock, Jasmine Smith .^..30pm this lunchtime. FELIX Back By Unpopular Demand, it's.

Mummylonglegs was trying to talk staff to mend anything. "I know", to McNorthey, the Chief cook in said Hardlyworthit, "we can get TTjE BftROR Cheapskate. She explained that she Whygate to mend all the houses. wanted him to give her his new Just give him a hammer and some "Quite Tasty" burger factory which nails." was making lots of money for the "Super", said Dong and went er Baron's coffers, but McNorthey just back to finish his afternoon nap. His laughed and gave Mummylonglegs peace was shortlived, though. No a sixpence for the citizens' Rug sooner had he got back to his collection. "But it's my room", comfortable office than the phone shrieked Mummylonglegs, banging rang again. Dong leapt to attention her fist on the table, and spilling a when he heard the Baron's voice cup of coffee all over Bigbum who over the phone. We'd like to come started to cry. and have a look around your office, At that moment Ms Plague Dong", said Derek Dash, the new rushed back into the Office, pushing Baron. Dong shuddered. The Baron aside Gutters, the Citizens' Head Himself was bad enough, but this Bouncer, on her way in. She ran to time Derek was bringing his the phone and dialled the number. eccentric wife, Mad Dash. Dong for Dong, Fergie & Son, the began to clear up his office but Cheapskate Rent Collector. "Hello, before he could collect all the coffee can I help you?" said Dong sleepily cups his phone rang yet again. This when he answered the phone, time it was Arthur Michael, the waking from his afternoon nap. good but not very useful fairy. "The "You idiot", screamed Ms Plague, Baron's coming to see you now", "you've given the citizens a house chuckled Arthur Michael, gleefully. with no roof!" Dong looked about him and "Does it have four walls and a groaned. He could tell it was a floor, though?" replied Dong, Tuesday always on the defensive whenever Ms Plague rang him. Will Dong get a dressing down "Don't argue, fix it immedi- from the Baron ately!" ordered Ms Plague. "I'm Will Willhebe Goodforacolumninch going to ring the Baron's wife". ever sober up? With that she slammed the phone down. Will Custard find Kettle? Dong was worried. He went Will John Secretary appear in the downstairs to see Hardlyworthit, next instalment? the Cheapskate House Builder. Hardlyworthit was very busy. He In a distant corner of Cheapskate Find out in the next episode of said Custard when FALLIX Editor had had lots of complaints about his "The Baron Of Cheapskate" Ian Whygate sat planning his latest Rabid Bones picked up the phone. houses but couldn't get any of his publicity stunt with his two dumb "Piss Off, Custard!", said Rabid helpers, GMT (who was so stupid and slammed the phone down. that he was still in the first class at Rabid was not in a good mood. He Cheapskate infant school) and was in disgrace after falling asleep Custard Johnson. Whygate had a whilst having tea with Mr and Mrs very clever plan. He and GMT and TSB, the chancellor of Cheapskate Custard were going to creep around and his wife, at the Baron's Castle. UNION BAR all of the citizens dormitories in the He did not like people using his middle of the night and leave brand new office, including his staff, WINTER ALES WEEK cardboard cut-outs of Whygate and as usual was having an inside all the rooms which were argument with his Fairy Stories unlocked. Whygate giggled and Editor, Willhebe Goodforacolum- Wednesday 10th Martson's: Old Roger thought how clever he was. He ninch. Willhebe was drunk, after wanted to be next year's head citizen going to the Belgium Club to find Thursday 11th Whitbread's: Winter Royal in Cheapskate, and was carefully some fairy stories. He had been planning how he would takeover speaking to John Verycamp, the Evenings from the current head citizen, Ms leader of one of Cheapskate's bands Plague. Whygate was easily the best of elves, who always seemed to tell person to be the citizen's leader as he Willhebe a lot of fairy stories about had been to more committee himself. Willhebe was confused. He meetings than anyone else, and was did not undertand why Rabid did ISSUE OF GRANT CHEQUES very good at running out crying in not want him to write a story about order to get a lot of attention. In how good John Verycamp was at Please note that Postgraduate and Undergraduate grant particular, he was much better at gardening. Rabid sighed and cheques will not be available for collection until the second talking a lot than Alan Ego, the, disappeared into the Print Room for day of next term, Tuesday 6th January 1987. (This is other candidate for the post of next half a hour to clean the Printing because, unusually, the College does not re-open after year's head citizen Press with Judith Largeamounts. Christmas until the first day of term, and the Fees office Custard, meanwhile, was getting Meanwhile in the Citizens' office, staff have to sort and prepare the grant cheques which bored with Ian Whygate's plans. He Bigbum, the Citizens' Chairman, have arrived while the College has been closed.) did not like the idea of following was sitting on Mummylonglegs' Whygate around with several knee. Mummylonglegs was the Thus grant cheques may be collected as follows: hundred cardboard cut-outs, and Deputy leader of the citizens and decided to go and find his friend, was in charge of the office while Ms Tuesday 6 January 9.30am—4.30pm, Third floor foyer Kettle, to go for a drink in Northend Plague was busy playing with Wednesday 7 January 9.30am—4.30pm, Sherfield Building Bar. As usual when he wanted to Hamster. Bigbum was sucking his Thereafter from the Fees Office, Room344, Sherfield find Kettle, Custard rang the thumb and wailing "me want FALLIX Office. "Is Kettle there", cuddle" at regular intervals. Building. As a glance through Time Out (without which this column would have died long ago) will tell you, there is really nothing better to do at this time of year than to indulge in the sentimental excesses of a modern westernised Christmas. Even attempting to do "something completely different" has become as hopelessly traditional as the festival itself, and so it is with very little hesitation that I recommend that you spend this Christmas in exactly the same way as you have spent and will spend, every other Christmas; you won't escape it, so you may as well wallow in it along with the rest of us. In fact I doubt if, given the choice, you'd really want to do anything else anyway - oh, alright then, of course you would, but bear with me anyway, will you? Aftei all, at what other time of the year can you savour the rare delights of arguing with all your relatives at the same time, watching non-stop drivel on TV whilst working your way through your parents' drinks cabinet-as like as not with their full knowledge and approval, and explaining to your mother why you really don't feel like even looking at her Christmas lunch, far less actually eating it. On the subject of rare delights, I've always maintained that there's no better source of Christmas Eve entertainment than the local church's Watchnight Service-that subtle blend of sincerity and sarcasm as the minister declares how nice it is to see the church so full, well, it gets me in stitches every year. Better still is the sheer exquisite embarrasment of my granny lusting after the organist and attempting to quieten down the "rowdies" in the pew behind us (i.e. those of my friends who are unencumbered by elderly relatives.) All that, with carols and grandson plus points thrown in, and for however much you feel like paying: surely there are few cheaper shows running on the 24th, and let's face it, by that time you'll be counting every last

penny... Assuming that you're not sufficiently organised (laughable possibility as it is) to have already done your Christmas shopping-and not only that, but remembered where you've hidden it, or that you bought it at all-you'll be spending the next week or so frantically searching for the right gift (well, any gift really) to give your nearest and dearest. What better way, indeed, to prepare yourself for all those calories than by fighting your way through the crowds on Oxford Street?

own &Out in London If we're to believe the past few weeks' crop of Sunday colour supplements-heaven forbid that we might have any of our own present ideas-it seems that peace, goodwill, love and affection etc. are readily exchangeable for hard cash down at you high street bank (and-here comes a bit of satire by the way-I reckon those bastards at Barclays might even do it, given their own vast experience of trading off human suffering). All of which, to get back to the point, would suggest that if that price tag (self adhesive price tags in an assortment of currencies, 75p a pack from Boots and John Menzies) you so carelessly left in your loved one's pressie isn't of telephone number proportions, then it simply means that you don't love them enough. Hey! Let's hear it for the emotional bankruptcy of modern society! Good news for us poor students eh? Mind you, with the seasonal rush there's a fair chance that your Access bill won't come through until the beginning of February, so you'll have a month to bask in the gratitude before the full horror of your financial situation hits you. Oh, and by the way, have you peeked yet? Under the 24th on your Advent Calendar? I just did, and it's a Mr. Man Santa Claus holding a huge Christmas pudding, and he's got his tongue hanging out, and a huge sack of presents, and...Ah well, whatever they say, it's all worth it really. Happy Christmas, everyone. Felix FELIX, Wednesday December 10th 1986 27

Let's quime the cleen's tower NEWLY Anne! OPENED small ads Ian didn't know the Queen's what's on Tower, the Albert Hall and the Albert Memorial were all in a straight line, but he knew the ANNNNOUNCEMENTS Albert Memorial and the Albert Pelbi Hall were! WEDNESDAY ICCAG Soup Run will go as Brasserie usual over Christmas, except Dr Vickery runs on AP-Tech Society 2.00pm 25/12/86. Meet Weeks Hall Duracell—he goes on 6 times Mech Eng Foyer. Help make toys 9.15pm each Thursday. ICCAG longer than ordinary lecturers. for Handicapped Kids. 134 CROMWELL helping you to help them. Merry Christmas & a Happy Human Rights Vigil 1.30pm ROAD Royal Albert Hall steps (Prince ACCOMMODATION Anyone New Year to all the Shark (near to Sainsburys) Consort Road). Organised by IC Reserve. interested in sharing a flat for 6 & LSE Amnesty Groups. Come KENSINGTON, SW7 people (groups of up to 6) in Wot no flannings yet? Y.e.ss, along to our vigil for IC's Lexham Gardents (only 15 I think there probably will be. adopted prisoner of conscience minutes walk from College) in Open 12-2.30pm; 6.30pm- RIP The Sharks. Ivan Staroviot outside the Soviet the summer term, please Embassy 2pm-5pm. 11.30pm dally contact Lesley Gillingham, How'sCinders then Prince Student Services (int 3602) Charming? Friendly attentive service In before the end of term. an atmosphere of style and WOT No sharks this THURSDAY DONT FORGET The week???!!.! Terry's will go out comfort of business now. Dartmouth House Ball on YOUTH HOSTELLING Fully licensed Saturday 13th Heidi Thanks for the orgasm, CLUB 12.30pm Air conditioned December—What better way to it was great. By my reckoning, Meet above Southside Bar. celebrate the end of term? Seating for 110 you only owe me another 5 Fives 2.00pm Details on a poster near you or now! Beside Linstead tennis court. Private parties of up to 40 from Alastair Seymour (EE2) or Contact Hon Sec David Nicolson catered for Apologies to all ladies in Willy Anne Driver (Guilds Hon Sec) ext 6289. J for harrassment this 10% discount forIC students WANT TO MAKE SOME term—Merry Christmas, and Lesbian and Gay 7.30pm and staff MONEY Don't buy British Gas, see you in the next...till then, Room 2 E ULU, Malet St. join the TURFSOC Racing love M. Contact Tim on 480-6579. Early reservations advisable Syndicate. We have access to top quality information (our Pizzas aren't the only thing Carol Service 12.30pm. "source" gives about 75% Dave's gott a passion for! Consort Gallery Sherfield. 01-370 7617 j winning bets). Contact H. Anyone welcome. Wind band are What did Dave dig up at the Lloyd (Phys 3), A Haigh (Phys playing. West London party on Friday? Chaplency. 3), G. Poppy (Life Sci. 3) or M. Brook (Mines 3). Don't tell Sid. WANTED RCSU Xmas Party 8.00pm. IC Radio Disco in JCR till late. RICKY'S 10 PIN BOWLING More Articles/Artwork for new £1.50/£2.00 on the door. explosive than a gaaaas panzine to be launched Carol Singing 6.00pm blaaaast! January. Any topics. Contact GARAGE N. Motteram DOC1 (zmacy 63 Meet Beit arch. Mince Pies and Mulled wine. Free. Christian Student Services Will be on rvax) closed from Friday 19th Union. (Personal service guaranteed) December until Monday 5th Part-Time Lumber Jack work. January. Urgent defects should Any vacancies please contact 19 QUEENS GATE PLACE be refered to the Managing S. Anderson Civ. Eng. FRIDAY MEWS surveyors office (15 Princes FOR SALE SOUTH KENSINGTON Gardens, ext 3605) other Fencing Club. .6.00pm LONDON S.W.7 urgent matters should be AMPLIFIER FOR SALE JVC Union Gym Tel: 01 581 1589 reported to wardens, security, JAII-Sg, 4 channels, £50.00 etc, as appropriate. ono. Contact CHEH GOH, PG EE, Int 5242. Day or night. Friday 12th December AEROSOC TALK given by Kawasaki GP2 305, A reg, EEC Students' Tuition Fees Richard Noble (world land replaced engine with only speed record holder) 6.00pm in 15,500 miles on the clock. Red, From September 1st 1986, students from EEC countries good condition, taxed until AERO 266 all welcome. Ian who satisfy various residence requirements and who are Cowley, Aero II. Oct. 87, mut sell, £575 ono. following first degree courses at UK universities are eligible Contact U. Beyer, AERO III. PERSONAL to have tuition fees paid by the British Government. FOUR TICKETS for A-Ha Students who have been identified by the Registry as Sharon You dare me, I fulfill concert. Best seats in Royal possibly being eligible have been advised and invited to my part of the bargain, what Albert Hall. Contact D. Briscoe complete an application form, which should be returned by about your side? Mech Eng 3. the end of term. PP (PET GEOL) How elusive you are! Any undergraduate who is a national of a member state of HE has an average body, and What's On the EEC, or is the son or daughter of a national of a an awful hair-do—but I still member state of the EEC, who was ordinarily resident All clubs and societies want to rape him. (Said within the EEC for the three years before commencing wishing to include a regular Sharon). their course at the College, and who has not been entry in the 'What's On' contacted personally by Registry is invited to go to the To Anne Parsons who's 123 listing should complete not out? Registry Fees Office, Room 344, Sherfield Building as soon another form at the as possible. Students requiring further advice regarding the WHO'S Barry Feagan? beginning of next term. All arrangements should also ask at the Registry Fees Office in old forms are to be Mumble mumble...They got the first instance. pissed...Kath and JJ...mumble discarded. mumble...and then they went to bed Twice the size — ULU travel Twice the service Call into the new ULU Travel office and see how far you can go this winter Special fares for students and academics. Worldwide scheduled flights on quality airlines. Ski holidays. Winter breaks around Europe. ISIC cards, ISIS insurance, Group rates. Winter Warmers include — daily flights to New York £222 rtn. Read all about it in your free copy of HOT NEWS Enquiries and Bookings 3E3 European 01-581 8233 Intercontinental 01-581 1022 ULU travel A service of Imperial College Sherfield Building

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