helping families & friends find better ways

Understanding guilt

Guilt and mental illness • Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, • Immobilise you. You can become so not helping, or not placating another overcome and overwhelmed by the The experience of mental illness in fear of doing, acting, saying, or being a person’s life, either as a person • Feeling of bewilderment and lack ‘wrong’ that you eventually collapse, experiencing mental illness or as a of balance for not responding give in, and choose inactivity, silence, family member or loved one, can have a to a situation in your typical or, and the status quo profound impact on people’s emotions. stereotypical manner Mental illness, often being episodic and • Interfere in your decision making. It • Feeling of loss and shame for not unpredictable, evokes the full range of is so important to always be ‘right’ in having done or said something to emotional responses, including anger, your decisions that you become unable someone who is no longer available grief, embarrassment, shame and despair. to make a decision lest it be wrong to you A powerful strong emotion that is often • Be hidden by the mask of self denial. presented is guilt. • Accepting of responsibility for someone Because it is less guilt inducing to take else’s misfortune or problem because it Guilt can emerge in all sorts of ways care of others first, instead of yourself, bothers you to see that person suffer and can cause unnecessary anxiety and you hide behind the mask of self worry and can be counterproductive to • Motivation to amend all real or denial. You honestly believe it is better the situation outcome you are trying to perceived wrongs to serve others first, unaware that ‘guilt’ is the motivator for such ‘generous’ achieve. It can be useful to assess the role • Strong moral sense of right and wrong behaviour and impact of guilt on your life. that inhibits you from choosing a Common underlying feelings of guilt are: ‘wrong’ course of action; however, • Make you ignore the full array of you assign your own definitions to the emotions and feelings available to you. • ‘If I had been more attentive words Overcome by guilt or the fear of it, parent, this illness would never have you can become emotionally blocked happened...’ • Driving force or mask behind which or closed off. You are unable to enjoy irrational beliefs hide • ‘If I had never smoked cannabis, I’d the positive fruits of life but live with never had got sick and my family would What can guilt do to you? negative aspects never have had to endure all this...’ • Make you become over responsible, • Be a motivator to change. Because you Always remember: Mental illness is an striving to make life ‘right’. You feel guilt and the discomfort it brings, illness. It can happen to anyone. But overwork. You over give of yourself. you can use it as a barometer of the feelings are not always rational and guilt is You are willing to do anything in an need to change things in your life and a powerful emotion that needs to be dealt attempt to make everyone happy rid yourself of the guilt with. • Make you over conscientious. You • Be a mask for negative self belief. You What is guilt? fret over every action you take as to may actually have low self-esteem, but its possible negative consequence to claim the reason for your negativity is • Feeling of responsibility for negative others, even if this means that you must the overwhelming sense of guilt you circumstances that have happened to ignore your needs and wants experience yourself or others • Make you over sensitive. You see • Mislead or misdirect you. Because • Feeling of regret for your real or decisions about right and wrong in many irrational beliefs lie behind imagined misdeeds, both past and every aspect of your life and become guilt, you may be unable to sort out present obsessed with the tenuous nature of your feelings. It is important to be • Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings, all your personal actions, words and objective with yourself when you are or attitudes that were or are negative, decisions. You are sensitive to cues of experiencing guilt; be sure that your uncomplimentary, or non-accepting others where any implication of your decisions are based on sound, rational concerning yourself or others wrong doing is intimated thinking Understanding guilt continued…

• You must never let down your guard; What irrational beliefs or Useful references MIFV2008/11-33 something you’re doing could be evil negative self-scripts are National Alliance of the Mentally Ill involved in guilt? or wrong (NAMI) (USA) www.nami.org • I do not deserve to be happy • I must always be responsible, ARAFEMI conscientious, and giving to others www.arafemi.org.au • I am responsible for my family’s (spouse’s) happiness • How others perceive me is more beyondblue: important then how I perceive myself the national depression initiative • There is only one ‘right’ way to do www.beyondblue.org.au things • No matter what I do, I am always wrong Mental Illness Fellowships • It’s bad to feel hurt and pain • I should never feel guilt of Australia fact sheets • My children should never suffer in their • If you feel guilt, then you must be or What can family and friends do to help childhood like I did in mine a person experiencing mental illness? have been wrong • My kids should have more material Family and carer support services things than I did Overcoming guilt? Understanding worry • It is my fault if others in my life are Like all strong emotions, the first not happy important step is to recognize that you Effective communication do feel guilt. All emotions have energy • If my kids fail in any way, it’s my Signs of mental illness and what to do responsibility and if you do not deal with it, it will deal with you! That’s what it’s like to be a carer • It is wrong to be concerned about ©Mental Illness Fellowship Victoria 2008 (ACN 093357165) myself You can recognise the role guilt is playing in your life by answering the following • People are constantly judging me, and questions and taking the time to write their judgment is important to me down your answers:

• It is important to save face with others 1. Why do I feel guilty?

• It is wrong to accept the negative 2. How much guilt do I feel? aspects of my life without believing (rating out of 10) that I am responsible for them myself 3. What are the consequences of feeling • I am responsible if either positive guilt? or negative events happen to the members of my family 4. What do I hope to accomplish by feeling guilt? • I must not enjoy myself during a time when others expect me to be in 5. Does feeling guilty help me mourning, grief, or loss accomplish what I want? 6. How would things be different PUBLISHED BY: if I didn’t feel guilty anymore?

for people with mental illness, their families and friends

Mental Illness Fellowship of Australia Mental Illness Fellowship of Mental Illness Fellowship Victoria Mental Illness Fellowship of WA Inc 08 8221 5072 www.mifa.org.au Sth Australia Inc 03 8486 4200 www.mifellowship.org 08 9228 0200 www.mifwa.org.au Mental Illness Fellowship Nth Qld Inc 08 8221 5160 www.mifsa.org Schizophrenia Fellowship of NSW Inc ARAFMI (Tas) Inc 07 4725 3664 www.mifnq.org.au Mental Health Carers NT 02 9879 2600 www.sfnsw.org.au Launceston 03 6331 4486 Schizophrenia Fellowship of Qld Inc 08 8948 1051 Mental Illness Fellowship of the ACT Inc Moonah 03 6228 7448 07 3358 4424 www.sfq.org.au www.mentalhealthcarersnt.org 02 6205 2021 www.mifact.org.au www.arafmitas.org.au