By Stefan Fatsis
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Taking his first live snap in the NFL, a rookie field-goal kicker—who also happens to be a 43-year-old sportswriter— learns about pressure. LESSON BY STEFAN FATSIS uring the Denver Broncos’ team tells me one day. “You’re doing it.” Still, I camp and minicamp, I felt like I want to be accepted not just as a team- Dwas trespassing. mate but as a player. On the field, I didn’t want Most of the Broncos to steal time from the kick- rarely watch me kick. If ers fighting for a chance. Off EXCERPT they wander out early and the field, I didn’t want to at- witness only one of my tract any more attention inevitable pop-ups or line than my presence already did. In 25 drives, that kick defines me. That’s a per- years of reporting, I’d never felt so ten- formance issue. Then there’s a confi- tative. An NFL locker room, not sur- dence issue. I fear failure and its atten- prisingly, is an intimidating place. dant embarrassment, which argues deep- Time, though, is a good relaxant. Ner- ly against attempting what I’m attempt- vousness about my ability and my phy- ing. It’s one thing to try, in early middle sique—showering next to my huge, age, to become an expert Scrabble player. sculpted teammates instantly destroyed It’s another altogether to try to become a the pride I’d taken in my dozen pounds of professional athlete. new muscle—is fading. My presence is no longer noteworthy. Journalistically, this The fifth day of training camp is the first to is terrific. The players don’t care anymore include “FG/FG Rush” on the schedule: that I’m carrying a notebook, and when field-goal practice, with a live rush from they remind themselves that I am they the defense. In the training room, I rub keep talking anyway. And they seem to Flexall, a mentholated aloe vera gel, on respect that, no matter my skills, I have my quadriceps, hamstrings, and groin the guts to be here at all. “You’re doing (a little too close to the private parts), this stuff,” Amon Gordon, a sensitive, and I slather my neck and face with sun- soft-spoken 312-pound defensive tackle, screen. A training staff summer hire 50 SEPT | OCT 2008 THE PENNSYLVANIA GAZETTE Illustration by Jay Bevenour THE PENNSYLVANIA GAZETTE SEPT | OCT 2008 51 stretches my legs. To make the environ- Everybody’s a critic. I jog back and kick if you do what you do. No sense making it ment I might encounter feel familiar, I a dozen balls from 25, 30, and 35 yards. harder on yourself.” close my eyes and visualize the full Good plant, solid hit. When I connect from I nod. I’m hungry. Inside my helmet, I assemblage of Broncos watching me 35, Ronnie says, “That’s going to be your feel perspiration form beneath my fore- kick, the thousand fans gathered on distance.” This isn’t casual stand-around- head and burst through the skin. We the berm by the far sideline, my tech- and-schmooze kicker talk. Ronnie is dead walk to the sideline. General manager nique. I imagine good plants and solid serious. Under the lights. Bullets flying. If Ted Sundquist mimics John Facenda’s hits—the kicking mantra I’d developed Shanahan summons me, Ronnie is say- voice-of-God baritone from the classic with a sports psychologist. ing, I’ll be kicking from 35 yards. NFL highlight reels: “The hot breath of Still, I don’t think Broncos head coach “One kick?” I ask. the defensive end. The beads of sweat Mike Shanahan will let me kick with “One kick.” pouring down his cheek ...” the team. It’s too early in camp. The I have to pee again. Two more fans The airhorn sounds: FG. I jog onto the starting field-goal kicker, Jason Elam, are standing near the sideline of the field with Jason for our first moment in hasn’t even kicked yet. Special teams kickers’ field. the spotlight. Shanahan shoos me off. coach Ronnie Bradford won’t give me a “Jason was kicking from here,” one says. While Jason kicks, I stand a couple of straight answer on whether I will. We “Number nine’s pretty good, too,” the yards in front of the team, shaking out have 40 minutes before FG. We stretch, other says before I trot by. “Way to go, my right leg, pacing, breathing the way punt, loosen up. I ask Jason the plan. nine!” he says. sports psychologist David McDuff recom- “We’re going to kick field goals,” he I scoop up the orange duffels and my mended to relax and focus: in through replies. “The idea is to kick the ball fellow kickers Paul Ernster and Micah the nose for four counts, hold for seven between the tall yellow things.” Knorr—who are competing for the team’s counts, out through the mouth for eight Jason will kick 10 balls, two apiece punting job—and I migrate to the empty counts. It’s supposed to release tension. with the ball on the 10-, 15-, 20-, 25-, and grass field next to where the rest of the But it’s not working. The players are 30-yard lines, or field goals of 28, 33, team is practicing. Paul snaps and Micah watching. The coaches are watching. The 38, 43, and 48 yards. With 20 minutes holds. From 40 yards, I strike with foot fans are watching. This scene doesn’t feel to go, I pace back and forth on an adja- sideways, skip through directly toward familiar at all. A few days earlier, Jason cent fake-turf field where we kickers the goalposts, and land with my toe point- had described the kicker’s job as “hours practice. I need to pee. Inside a Port-O- ing straight ahead. Perfect execution. and hours of boredom surrounded by a Let, I hear fans talking about me. ‘‘Way to go, dog!” a fan screams. But I’m few seconds of panic.” My few seconds “He hit four in a row the other day,” growing visibly nervous. I ask Paul to feel like a lifetime. one says. hold my Broncos cap and my notebook. Each of Jason’s kicks is a tracer bullet “But they were 10 yards out and didn’t get “Relax, dude,” he says. “Just do what you that soars through the goal posts and 10 feet off the ground,” another replies. do. You make a hundred out of a hundred smacks into or passes through the hydrau- Why do this? Just a natural followup Q&A with to the Scrabble book? Strangely, yes. Becoming an expert Scrabble STEFAN FATSIS player challenged my mind. I wanted to do In Word Freak [“Man of Letters,” Sept|Oct 2001] another piece of participatory journalism that Stefan Fatsis C’85 explored the history and challenged my body (before it’s too late). But as obscure subculture surrounding the iconic board with Word Freak there had to be a larger story game Scrabble, training himself to be an expert about a mysterious American subculture. That player along the way. His new book, A Few may seem an odd thing to say about profession- Seconds of Panic, tells how this “5-foot-8, 170- al football, which is covered voraciously by a pound, 43-year-old sportswriter,” as the subtitle 24/7 media machine. But I’d long believed that puts it, managed to talk his way onto the Denver Broncos roster the wall between reporters and players had grown so tall and as a kicker during the team’s 2006 training camp and preseason so thick that the public didn’t—couldn’t—get an honest depic- and what he learned about the subculture—hardly unknown but tion of life inside the sport. The only way to do that, I little understood—of the modern NFL. believed, was to play, and the only act I felt I could perform While he didn’t exactly become an expert this time (see the on a field even remotely credibly compared to the pros was accompanying excerpt), he did learn something about what it’s kicking field goals. like to be a player—which, given the personal stats listed above, is still pretty impressive—and gain both the trust and the respect How did your family feel about it? Were they concerned of his teammates. This summer, as he was engaged in the some- for your safety and/or sanity? what less physically taxing demands of a book tour, Fatsis took The reality of what I was proposing didn’t dawn on my time out for an interview with Gazette editor John Prendergast. wife, Melissa Block [host of National Public Radio’s All 52 SEPT | OCT 2008 THE PENNSYLVANIA GAZETTE lic video tower scaffolding beyond the end zone. I try another breathing technique, “I want to look like I’m one used when the body’s physiology kicks into overdrive: hyperventilating through the nose to tighten the muscles, then tak- preparing to kick. Instead ing some clearing breaths to release the tension. I want to look like I’m preparing I look like I’m having a to kick. Instead I look like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Paul writes in my notebook: “Pacing rapidly, rigid, franti- nervous breakdown.” cally breathing, looks like a man awaiting execution. Elam is drilling field goals on kickers. We’re going to put some the flutter in a skirt.