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IInnarnnardsds CCoovveerr SSttoorryy THE NERVE HIT SQUAD The A-Z King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C. Damsgaard of [email protected] Pistol Whipper Moustache (a/k/a Music Editor) Sarah Rowland [email protected] Rock! Yes Ma’am (a/k/a Music Editor in Training) Starting with Hitler, Adrian Mack [email protected] the moustache has The Getaway Driver long been the outre (a/k/a Production Manager) Pierre Lortie rocker’s best friend. [email protected] The Nerve gives you 2 Bit Rounders the full shave (a/k/a Editorial Assistants) Music Ed’s Mom, Ryan Calvery 15

Weapons Cleaner (a/k/a Article Editor) Jon Azpiri Surveillance Team (a/k/a Photographers) Nieuwkerk photo: Jeremy Van Laura Murray Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk Span 21 Launderer (a/k/a Book Editor) Jake Warren insists that Span are the best band in Victoria J. Pee Patchez but never mentions how “un-punk” they look. 13 Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Bjorn Olson Urge Overkill 11 The Henchmen Urge’s Nash Kato reveals to Smails and Spackler why his (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Pierre Lortie, Aina Young, Kevin Angel testicles have such a lovely shine. The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, Crystal Pistol 13 Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Billy Hopeless, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann, Lick my decals off, baby!!! Adrian Mack, Jake Poole, Max Crown, 8- Ball, Jono Jak, Jake Warren Girl Friday The Radio 9 (a/k/a Subscriptions/Mailouts) Sue Hobler Pink Floyd, drugs, schizophrenia and The Smurfs... But enough about Brad! An extraordinary revelation courtesy of Fire Insurance (a/k/a Advertising Dept.) The Radio. Brad Damsgaard, Kevin Angel [email protected] Cover Photo: Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk Off the Record 18 Out-of-town Connections Starvin Hungry, The Pink Mountaintops and more! Plus! Our (a/k/a Distribution and Street Team) Calgary: Rick Overwater, Mike Taylor. new favourite: Worst CD!!! Edmonton: Freecloud Records Graeme MacKinnon, Lindsey McNeill. Winnipeg: Phil and Ryan of Steel Capped Records, Victoria/Whistler: Jono Jak, Cheap Shotz 7 Seattle/Bellingham: Frank Yahr Sarah says her goodbyes with her top 10 Nerve moments.

The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writers 21 and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors... First publishing Live Wires 22 rights only are property of The Nerve Magazine NoMeansNo, The Hangmen, Side 67 and The Grind Tour. because we have no desire to “own” you. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for content in adver- tisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submission and accepts no responsi- bility for unsolicited manuscripts or artwork. Adrian Mack is an Idiot 9 Copyright 2004 He’s so stupid, he’s not even in this issue. The Nerve Magazine 508 - 825 Granville St. Skate Spot 25 Vancouver, B.C. V6Z 1K9 Cougie’s Night Out 7 604.734.1611 Ainsworth 25 604.684.1698 (fax) Film 24 www.thenervemagazine.com Nerveland Smut Ranch 27 Crossword 27 5

Cougar

Cheap Shotz By Sarah Rowland Cougie’s Night Out Here are my top ten reasons why I’ll Photos by Casey Cougar miss this God-forsaken hell-hole. 1 What: Nerve Records and Longshot 1. Working with the incomparable Mr. Mack. Music Showcase Not only did I have the distinct honour of collaborating with one of Canada’s greatest writers, I also made a friend for life. For example, Mack was really there for Who: SpreadEagle, Red Hot Lovers, me when I received hate mail from a disgruntled the Excessives, Sound City employee who kept referring to himself in third person as Billy Hopeless. In return, I lent Mack a shoulder to Hooligans cry on when he was unceremoniously kicked out of a Karla Homolka chatroom. Because of our friendship, When: Saturday, May 8th @ Purple we’ve both been able to move on. Today, he happily surfs ratemyboner.com and I don’t talk to Hopeless. Onion. It was also MY BIRTHDAY 2. Nerve Brain with Badly Damaged plus there was a shooting and, as Medical definition: Cerebral Nerveencephali-tis. Only an added bonus, a couple stabbings those who work in the Nerve orifice as much as Badly 4A Damaged and myself can understand this heinous side out on the street! Charlie Horse (Red Hot Lovers) effect of post-production. Effecting one in ten editors, lookin’ VERY foxy (sans glasses). symptoms may include a shortness of breath, waking up at 5 am with a vice clamped to your pounding heart and an electric storm of typos short-circuiting your synapses. This acute syndrome may also result in spas- tic self-doubting questions like, “What if you lost all objectivity when you wrote about your ex-boyfriend?” “What if you made him out to be a drugbag?” “What if, on some unconscious level, you sullied his good name?” It’s only when the Nerve Brain episode sub- sides that you can answer these internal quandaries honestly. In my case, the answers to these questions are as follows: yes, yes and the bastard deserved it. 3. Red Hot Lovers at Naughty Camp 2003 Meggers, Jenni, Christine & Jill havin’ a Mission My only regret is not using my position of power to 3 reunion in the can. take advantage of frontman Danny Danger. 4. Jason Ainsworth (see exhibit 4) Randy Romance (Red Hot Oh yah, my other only regret is using my position of Lovers, Gung-Hos) doin’ what power to take advantage of my slutbag co-worker. he does. Especially when I found out I wasn’t the only one he mounted on the Xerox machine that fateful night at the staff Christmas party. But unlike the members of the Stanley Park Cruisers (see exhibit 4A), I used a con- dom. 5. Turbonegro in Seattle After months of bagging a cheap imitator in a tribute band, it was nice to experience the real Euroboy live. 6. Stalking the Riverboat Gamblers: If you haven’t heard of them, you will (Are you reading this Emily?). These Texan rock stars are full of southern charm until, that is, bassist Patrick Lillard has a few. I believe his pick-up line was, “Do you girls like to be shat upon during sex?” Answer Key: Only if you spoon me after. 7. wendythirteen’s smiling face gracing The Nerve cover Longshot’s Mike Joe came all Meggers (SpreadEagle’s mascot) and I thought maybe if I put the First Lady of Western the way from Brooklyn to Miss Kitten (Ultravixens Peep show, Canadian punk on the cover, she would talk to me at the 4 give me the bumps. Sex Wolf two). Cobalt rather than looking through me with her cold, dead stare. No such luck. But her e-mails are a little friendlier. 8. Chasing Casey Cougar Not big on deadlines, but still it was nice to have a lit- tle injection of estrogen into the Nerve’s sausage party. Seriously though, I’ll miss her drunken interviews. Take care, Casey, and if I get wind of you handing in your assignments on time for Mack, I’ll cunt you down, bee-yatch. 9. Dining with James Farwell. My attempt at writing punk’s answer to Jan Wong’s column was based on the premise that rock stars should make me dinner in exchange for press ink. But my first installment ended up being my last. It turns out there’s not a huge crossover readership between the Nerve and that cunt Back East. Furthermore, James Farwell from 9 S.T.R.E.E.T.S. was the only one game. Although he Esther the Molester. Guess who???? made a great tofu dish, I wasn’t too crazy about the Peg Bundy ashes in my mashed potatoes. 10. Everybody Else I will miss pistol-whipping the following people: Jono Jak (who will always be My Sweetness), the Pooles, the Hopes, Ryan Calvery, Jon Azpiri, Kevin Angel, 8- Ball, Pierre Lortie, Laura Murray, Jeremy Van Fat Chris with his fat fist. Nieuwkerk, Roche, Mom, Jake Warren, Chris Read, Aine Young, Chris from Rebel Spell and Mr. Conner.

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It’s a beautiful and emotional tone ’ve come to the sun-dappled heart of deep- answers, “I picked it up at a flea-market and reasons Ray. “It’s Barrett himself or it’s some- poem, like Barrett’s “Golden Hair”, and God est Kits to discuss some crypto-history with took it home and got myself into the psyche- one in Holland who’s influenced by him and if knows if it ain’t Barrett then it’s some other IRay W. Down of Vancouver’s splendid the delic state of mind and listened to some of the that’s the case, who is this guy? I want more!” damaged psycho-naut who deserves his place Radio, whose HQ seems to have been conjured songs and they sounded pretty interesting.” It’s sure unusual that our unbottled Google- in yer book of great creative fuck-ups. out of Phil Dick’s A Scanner Darkly. Fittingly, “But why would you listen to them at verse provides only Blind Alleys and Dead Still, it is tempting to imagine that, I’m interested in his theories concerning the the wrong speed?” Ends. Jesus – even Thomas Pynchon has been having made his point quickly and well, Syd fate of Syd Barrett, the storied founding mem- “Just because…” he smiles, which is sending out flares recently. Corbett, please just didn’t want to sit around and turn into ber of Pink Floyd and psychedelic pioneer. To explanation enough for me. stand up! Roger Waters’ guitar player. Would you? most of us, Barrett’s extraordinary tale ends in The Smurfs have long attracted Acid To further confuse matters, Syd Mom’s basement, some paints, a big ol’ media his mother’s basement in Cambridge in the Head theorists (like in the movie Slacker) due, Barrett’s sister has confessed that the legendary scam and a secret career penning melancholy early seventies, cut down by what is variously I think, to its characteristic Euro-ineptitude shut-in was perhaps not so shut in after all. nursery rhymes seems infinitely better than said to be schizophrenia, lysergic madness or which always comes off as alien or slightly “….Like once a year Syd goes to London to that, don’t you think? an untenable surplus of creativity. Whatever the brain-damaged. There are vast Aryan nations check out the art museums,” Ray tells me, “and And aren’t those nascent Smurf-crea- diagnosis, the poor fucker took an all-time over there involved in the business of not get- she mentioned that…he’s still got his acoustic tures yodeling away in the background of champion dive from the heights of popular and ting it and the Smurfs are a solid example of guitar and he’s still writing songs. It’s not a “Scream Thy Last Scream”, an unreleased artistic success to dribbling incoherence in a what that phenomenon looks and sounds like. huge distance from Cambridge to Holland...” Barrett treasure from the breakdown days? breathtakingly short time. In the forty years It’s therefore unsurprising that a bright and I’d At this point I recall a curious picture of Syd Moreover, what was it that Syd asked on his since, whilst being nursed and protected by say largely mischievous pundit like Ray would taken at a Village Fete in 1979. There’s a twin- last official recording with the Floyd in the family, the polite wisdom is that after the break- conjure his own mad ideas from the results. kle in his eye that belongs to a saner person fractured oompah of “Jugband Blues”? “What down Syd dried up musically and emotionally Except that once you slow it down, it really rather than a legendary burn-out. Says Ray, exactly is a dream,” he sighs, “and what exact- he was simply out of reach. does sound like Syd Barrett. No…REALLY! “yeah that’s the time-frame we’re looking at. ly is a joke?” Ray has another view entirely and he Ray continues, “I tried to track He looks pretty together in that picture.” So pulls out a dog-eared copy of The Smurf’s All down…all four (LPs) which were recorded how about the skeptics, I ask. “There’s no parts Star Show LP, proceeding directly to track 10, totally independently of the TV show and none that don’t fit and there’s not a scrap of evidence “The Silly Shy Smurf”. We listen to it at 16 of the characters from the show are in the to the contrary,” he replies. “I’m not sure if I RPM (which means, kids, at the wrong speed) records…no Brainy Smurf, Papa Smurf…I believe it myself, but…” he continues, “Even if and the sound is ponderous and obese (if obese don’t think Smurfette is ever in it.” it’s not Syd, this guy happens to sound like were a sound). It’s actually quite alarming if The records seem to come from a him.” you’ve spent any time falling in love with the whole different franchise, I say. Ray concurs. Then he gets all clever on me: “A music of Syd Barrett because, well…this “For sure…. there’s actually very lit- coincidence is where skeptics and believers sounds like Syd Barrett, goddammit. Ray tle to nothing on the internet about it. But kind of cross paths and they’ve got different smiles at me ‘cos he knows what’s going there’s a lot of stuff about the show.” beliefs about these facts…” meaning that nei- through my head. I point out that the accent and The only thing we know for certain is ther one of ‘em is certifiably wrong…right? cadence fit and Ray picks up the thread, “yes, that the Barrett-esque material that appears Bottom line: There’s NOTHING on this the phrasing too. And the harmonies are a per- intermittently over four albums is the work of Corbett guy, so why not? fect take on Piper-era Pink Floyd.” The middle one composer, Barry Corbett (hmmm), and One thing we can say for sure is that eight bars settles it though. Barrett would typi- that’s pretty much it. there’s a history of psychedelic infiltration into cally go left, not right. Here are the Smurfs Corbett’s contributions soar above children’s entertainment and to that end Ray doing the same thing. On the song “Space the rest. “Silly Shy Smurf”, to these ears, pos- cites the song “Smurfing Beer”. Smurf”, Ray becomes even more Barrett-olog- sesses an exquisitely lachrymose frisson. It “The lyrics have this weird sugges- ical picking out a weird minor chord. “That might, in its heightened infantilism, be describ- tiveness to them…it’s like ‘beer, beer, smurfing note right there is total Barrett,” he says, “Not a ing Syd’s mammoth regression. “He better get beer, you don’t get drunk and it isn’t beer’”. lot of people do that either. It’s pretty charac- hold of himself,” goes the doleful chorus. It’s He also points out that the typical teristic and it’s not easy to do.” raw enough to be uncomfortable- hardly very Smurf home is carved into a mushroom. “Why’d you pick up the record in the useful on a kid’s record and yes, I am talking “Sleep Until the Brand New Day” is Silly, shy Syd Barrett in 1979

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agricultureclub.ca catch-and-release.org Music Urge’s Run After a spectacular crack-up ten years ago, the grizzly old fucks of Urge Overkill did what the entire world gave nary a fuck to see; they re-formed. Carl Spackler and Judge Smails went along to kiss their perfect hems.

By Carl Spackler been writing? King –Yeah we weren’t sure what was gonna Carl Spackler -- Why Highway to Heaven? come from this reunion, if you wanna call it Eddie “King” Roeser -- I think it goes back to that. I don’t like the term, right? Cause it our first record, Jesus Urge Superstar, arguably seemed kinda phoney baloney. Anyway, we a shamelessly commercial document. The reli- decided to do some shows. We sort of, I won’t gious themes, those of redemption, sodomy, say we disbanded, we just de-banded. resurrection… Carl -- A lot of animosity? Carl -- I didn’t catch that on the show. King – Yeah. And I’m like, “Nash you don’t King- Most people didn’t catch it on the record, call very often” and he’s like, “you don’t call.” but they’re there. One of those, you know? …Just a gigantic mis- Carl -- I remember hearing when the band understanding it turns out. played Calgary on that tour that all the Carl -- Did you guys talk at all over the eight members of the group were found in bed years? together transfixed by “Highway to King – We’ve heard reports that we had talked. Heaven.” And apparently they are from sources close to King -- I’m sure we don’t recall this. However, the band. But, I have no recollection of that. Do the connection with Urge should be obvious you recall any discussions? and has been to many interviewers less astute Nash (livid) -- I don’t know. than you, I might add. I’m shocked! But that is King – I wouldn’t characterize them as discus- a great kickoff question, it really puts us in a sions. I mean apparently we had discussions in great mood; it’s really bringing me back. But a form that I cannot recall. we’ve moved on; I mean, Nash and I haven’t Carl – Does that happen to you too? Weird! watched much TV together, you know. I don’t King -- Like I said, this was a tentative plan. know where you heard this, probably from We did a bash in Chicago…since then, as a sources close to the band. result of the fact that we were actually in the Carl -- No. I was at the gig and the word same room, this was leaked to the sources that spread thru the club like the clap thru a control the industry as we know it, and offers Hell’s Angels chapter. were rolling in from L.A., London, whatever King -- Wait a second, was that one of those town you wanna pick. We had a lot of people hotel-slash-bars? Where you just walk down- interested, far more interested than we were in stairs? fact. Carl -- Yes! The Westward Hotel. Carl -- Well, I can’t speak for the Judge

King -- No, don’t remember. since he’s drinkin’ your rider dry right now, Photo: Laura Lemay Carl – And the nature of this memory loss— but I for one am glad you did. The band reacts to Spackler’s “Urge Over-the-Hill”crack. is it time? The elements? Horse tranquiliz- The Judge- Say, whatever happened to Dean ers? Scott Fever? And Paco? angrier than he did about his severe case of turned on to the New Pornographers, they’re King -- I think all three and alcohol consump- Nash (testily) – Who? blue balls.) great. The Wrens, I like them. tion. King – Fabre. We think he took over the fami- Carl -- Was that a bad time for you? Carl – What about the classics, your “go-to” Carl -- And how are things now? ly business. A racetrack in Kentucky. King – For people who were into Urge, stuff? King- Things have gone swimmingly. Nash -- A drag strip. Saturation was the big left turn for the band. King – We still like our Dusty’s and Al Green Nash Kato (seething) – Yeah, I cut my massage King – I think he is back where he belongs. You We always had a dark outlook and that was on and shit like that. That’s always gonna be there. too damn short. know he was in the band for the looks. purpose a sunnier record. And it was something (Bassist) Hodgie is our DJ on the road. King - I’ve never heard of a two-and-a-half Everybody knows it. He looked fucking great. that was deliberately landscaped to sound a cer- Nash -- We always had an in-house DJ with hour massage being short. Apparently, there is He looked like a million fucking dollars! A liv- tain way. There were other problems surround- Blackie. a different concept of time up here. ing muppet come to life! A living legend. And ing the Exit the Dragon time period for us that Carl – I’m not supposed to ask about the Nash- The girl said it’s too bad I had to cut it it wasn’t hard to feed him a few bass parts you made things suck. As well as that people last time you guys were in Vancouver. short because apparently there is a climatic know, not really an important part of the whole weren’t ready for a dark, not a dark really… a King – Something about a Chinese chef and ending. chemistry, to be honest. black record. In fact, the cover is black. Why butcher knife. Carl- There was no “Happy Ending”? Carl - Do you guys love or hate the Darkness did we do that? It was stupid really. But we felt Carl -- I will respect your request. But the Nash – No. for stealing your song? “Get your Hands Off like it was an artistic success from beginning to promoter found you guys and dragged you King - Does he look happy? My Woman” is a pretty blatant rip-off or tip end given what we were working with, which outta the No.5. Nash – She was putting oil on my sack. of the cap to “Sister Havana”. was a band that was barely speaking. I think Nash (now, inexplicably, animated and gregar- Carl – I am sensing his chakras are out of King -- There is no hate in Urge for us any- people got used to the Urge of Saturation and ious) – Yeah! They checked every strip club ‘til alignment but I don’t think I’m able to help. more. I mean we’ve seen the bulb go out and that’s just fine. The problem was we didn’t they found us. They knew we’d be in one of King- Don’t worry, we’ll be playing a better it’s not good. want to be those guys anymore. Hell, we them. And they said you gotta come play and show for it. Nash (exasperated and impatient) -- I can’t weren’t those guys anymore. Sources close to we were saying, no it’s too late and besides Carl -- Aaah! Keeping it in like a prizefight- believe I raced down here to listen to this shit! the band wanted Saturation 2. That was sort of we’d already had way too many of those er. (Peering out the door at the openers, the Last the big thing… nothing would be worse than a Canadian mind-fuck lagers. King – Exactly. Vegas.) I was naked on a massage table! watered down lame Saturation; it woulda Carl – Any chance of you guys sticking Carl – Or a matador. King -- We had to talk to these gentlemen, we sucked. And that’s not the sunniest record on around to make another album? King – Yes, yes, I like that. I like that image a had extra time built in. earth either, you know. The second song is Nash -- Yeah…we just sort of take this as it lot. The Matador! So guys, what have you been Nash- I was bone-ass naked on a massage table. completely sick. comes, see how it goes, how the response is, doing the last eight years? It was hot shit! Applying oil to my bag. The Judge -- I recall an interview around how we fare. But so far, so good. There’s a Carl and the Judge -- We, uuhh, we…been The Judge - Madame Cleo’s? that time when Nash said, “Two men Enter European tour in the works. But yeah, I’ve got busy n’ shit. You know. Things. We were try- Nash – No, she came to the suite. the Dragon, one man leaves.” some things; I know King does. Maybe in the ing to pick up the torch where you guys left King – It was legit. He pulled a back muscle! Nash (unimpressed) -- No. Three men enter one fall. You know, there is no master plan. off but, uh, my back is killing me. Nash – I didn’t know she would go two-and-a- man leaves. Carl – Was there ever a master plan in the Nash (grouchy) -- Join the club. half hours. I certainly wasn’t complaining. I The Judge -- Oh. Hmmm. past? King -- Yeah, we were unable to bring our race down here, you know, no offence… Carl -- Anything you’d like to say about King -The master plan was we were gonna dis- entire gigantic load down. Carl -- None taken. You guys got raked over those left behind? integrate after our fifth record. That was the Carl – Mmmm, I think Nash already told us the coals for Exit the Dragon. Nash -- No. plan before we made even our first record. that. Nash- No we didn’t. Carl --What are you listening to on the road? Nash – Yeah, it’s like Logan’s Run. King -- We’ve moved down from the ‘four cab- Carl -- Yeah you did. King --The Sights. We played with them and The Judge – Sanctuary? inet’ look. For this tour we’re down to one Nash -- Maybe in the States, everywhere else they were really cool. Carl- In this demented slaughterhouse of a Carl -- Any new material? Have you guys loved it. (Nash promptly exits looking even Nash -- The Soundtrack of our Lives. I just got world? Not likely, my friend.

11

Music Drunk On Ink! Surviving A Day With CrystalCCrystalrystal PistolPPistolistol

must be a real pussy. I enter the PNE Agrodome with bare arms—Casper-The-GhostWhite arms to be Iexact. It’s the third and final day of Vancouver’s 1st International Tattoo Convention, and I have entered the dark and bloody realm of Rock & Roll that I have avoid- ed my whole life. It seems the “Big Guns” have arrived in our city to puncture and maim the surface of society in this age-old art form which has been a trademark in the world of R&R for decades. Bob Tyrell, known for his work with country-fried closet-rapper-turned-musically- confused-idiot Kid Rock amongst others, has set up shop. He can make a grown man wince with delight on the table. To my surprise, this has me flipping through his catalogue contemplating a Maori makeover across my face. To this day I’m still frightened to death of get- ting “art’ under my skin. Not so for Brian Bresett, lead guitarist for Vancouver’s—no make that Canada’s bas- tard sons of motherfucker rock & roll, Crystal Pistol. Brian’s right arm is about to lose its virginity to the nee- dle of a young artist( I think it’s Glen) from Wes’ Tattoo booth. He has chosen Lucifer’s’ area code 666 in Motörhead lettering. Cool. I’m urged by my friend Joe to do the same. Sorry, didn’t bring my balls with me tonight. While I wait for the results, the boys give us an update from the CP camp.

Crystal Pistol - The Glam/Sleaze Metal hybrid of cocaine-stained lyricism and three chord debaucheries have opened the doors to their own private hell for yours truly to bring you 24 hours in the life of Canada’s reign- ing kings of trash. Problem is - they don’t get out of bed ‘til 6:30 in the evening. And so we begin. Looking like he crawled out from under a rock in West Hollywood, CP’s charismatic frontman Mik Ireland and the other lead guitarist Pinto Cholo pulled it together just enough to

spit a few words in my face. Nieuwkerk Photo: Jeremy Van Crystal Pistol’s Brian Bresett proudly shows us how high he can count By E.S. Day while his bandmates anxiously fact-check. Turns out he was wrong.

E.S. Day -- There seems to be a lot of whiny in Vancouver at the Media Club on June 11th. I finally get Mik to confess on the record, his E.S. Day -- The New York Dolls. music out there dominating the charts, as a We’re concentrating more on the album right feelings for the following bands: Mik -- Goddesses. band that seems to be resuscitating the now. Our fans have been waiting long enough. E.S. Day -- Mik, tell me the first thing that E.S. Day -- What if I told you that the gen- sleaze metal scene, is there really a demand E.S. Day -- Surely the major labels have comes into your estranged mind when I eral public assumes that a Crystal Pistol is for it right now? been expressing interest have they not? mention the following groups. Faster slang for a meth pipe? Mik Ireland -- No. Actually, we’re wasting our Pinto -- Well, right now we have an overseas Pussycat. Mik -- I’d say, “you’re damn right!” time. label, Nicotine, showing a lot of interest, so Mik -- Cocaine. E.S. Day -- That’s condoning hardcore drug E.S. Day -- Since we’re at a tattoo conven- we’ll see what happens. Right now we want to E.S. Day -- L.A. Guns. use, don’t you think? The same goes for tion, why do you think the association still hold out for the right deal, possibly keep it Mik -- Tracii Guns fucked my ex-girlfriend. your track “Line It Up’. It’s a blatant glo- exists between R&R and Tattoos? indie with major label distribution. E.S. Day -- Love/Hate. rification of cocaine. Can’t you just sing Mik -- To tell you the truth, they both hurt and (Back at the booth, Brian is bleeding R&R Mik -- Crackheads. about booze like everyone else? they both cause infections. out of his right arm) E.S. Day -- Zodiac Mindwarp & The Love Mik -- Ask me when I get clean and sober. Pinto -- Yeah, they both go together for one E.S. Day -- Are you in pain right now? Reaction. E.S. Day -- Is there any way of reviving that reason: they’re permanent. Brian -- No. Mik -- I love TV and I love T.Rex. dark glam rock scene from ’88 -’93. E.S. Day: What are you guys listening to E.S. Day -- Anything you would like to say E.S. Day -- Murderdolls. Brian (from the needle chair) -- I think people these days? to the public? Mik -- Posers. just want real R&R again. No more fake shit. Mik: Actually, I listen to nothing but T. Rex E.S. Day -- Hanoi Rocks. Samples and stuff. nd Brian -- We don’t put makeup on the music, Pinto: Billy Joel’s 52 Street. just on our eyes. Mik -- That’s a good one. I know I liked them E.S. Day -- There doesn’t seem too much E.S. Day: CP has been around for about but… competition out there as far as what you three years now, when are we going to see a Back at the beer garden I spot Mik and E.S. Day -- Salty Dog. guys are doing. Like Robin “The Goblin” full-length album for Christ sake? Outlaw Entertainment’s CEO, Tommy Floyd. Mik -- Where are they now? Black, for example. Why is that? Mik: ? I decide to go break up the conversation until E.S. Day -- Amen. Mik -- Let me tell you something about Robin Pinto: We should have a 12-song master ready bassist Greg Laiken hands me their latest CD Mik -- Hallelujah! Black. Backstage one night, we were trying to to go around the end of August. while drummer Dave Troutman is still chat- E.S. Day -- Mötley Crüe. see who was the most outrageous. His girl- E.S. Day: Any tentative titles? ting with the same two ladies that he’s been Mik -- More cocaine. friend pissed in a cup and Robin hands it to Mik: NFA – No Fixed Address. with since the beginning of the night, (Two E.S. Day -- Dogs D’amour. me. I immediately chugged the whole cup! E.S. Day: Tours? of the chicks are chained together at the Mik -- Went to see them while I was in Mik wins. Hands down. Pinto: Yeah in July. Not really a tour, we’re neck, complete with stilettos and drenched in England, couldn’t get in. heading to L.A., we might be playing the E.S. Day -- The Stooges. Crystal Pistol plays Vancouver’s Media Club PVC). I leave him alone. Drummers should th Roxy in Hollywood. Maybe. We’ll be playing be getting all the pussy anyway. At this point Mik -- Gods. on June 11

13

Cover The A-z of Moustache Rock

More hair than a Brazilian ball of wax: (clockwise from bottom left) Willie Nelson, Jesse Hughes, Freddie Mercury, Jesse Birch, Sam Roberts, Duane Allman, Janis Joplin, Brian Wilson, Jon Cummins, Frankie Poullain, Caleb Followill, Peaches llman Brothers-- Duane, Gregg and at “It” hangouts or writing for “It” local rock By 8-Ball, Adrian Mack and Tito are filthy Southern Skidmarks who rags, the hardest working man in Montreal Sarah Rowland red-blooded rocker is applying Areputedly have taken some drugs. Rock fronts this beaut of a band. But perhaps Rogaine to their physiognomy these Eventually, one of them finger-raped Cher his greatest accomplishment is pulling off what emember when if you had a days in an attempt to prove that their while she was immobilized with Bell’s Palsy only three percent of the world’s population is and her daughter turned out to be a lesbian. able to achieve naturally: a fully cultivated moustache it meant you were testicles actually produce hormones There was a moustache or two in the room, at Rattled Rooster. This look is a birthright. For Ra total fag? Or if you had a as well as rock n’ roll thunder. And the time. starters, you must be born with a flaming fire moustache but weren’t a fag, then you that’s just the ladies! Allin Brothers -- Merle and GG rocked the crotch and a Canadian Grade “A” egghead. were a cop? Or if you weren’t either We have therefore decided to eternally cool Infinite Stencil or the Two-Man Then simply skirt it with a crimson turkey wat- Jigsaw, requiring that you put them together to tle and presto! You have the rarest of facial/lid of those and you had a moustache, be first out of the gate with an in- achieve a complete facial hair system. Imagine hair combos on our A-Z. What a precious and then you were Burt Reynolds? depth examination of this growing GG and Merle kissing in Outer Space with an mysterious jewel! Excluding those three fine categories dirtbag trend: Hair! All over your electric blue corona tracing their merging bod- Bono, Sonny -- With “Pammie’s on a of outstanding manhood, time was face!! ies in cosmic holy congress; two crystal beings Bummer”, Sonny Bono set out to debunk all united in awesome oneness reflecting the vistas those lies told to you by the likes of Jim you couldn’t find anybody out there In keeping with the tradition- of spiritual possibility contained in GG’s tran- Morrison, Charo! and Rush Limbaugh – to with a half decent facial hair program. al use of “letters” to form “words”, a scendent art-love. Like two halves of a locket whit, that drug use is no way to get high and Not anymore, buddy! Except for key weapon in the writer’s arsenal, forged by God. will inevitably lead to your death. Much more those foppish Scottish popsters with we’re employing the “alphabet” to acceptable is smacking into a tree at 100 mph the angular hair-sillies and faces like tell our story. So it is with overmuch ionic -- When former Doughboy- turned-Bionic man Jon Cummins isn’t baby’s arses Franz Ferdinand, every pride that The Nerve presents to you: Bproducing “It” bands Back East, DJing Continued next page...

15 Cover The A-Z of Rock’s Hairy Bastards which mimics accurately the hairy vector strat- that he is coming to fucking claim what is right- to know just how funky a bunch of coked-up ...continued from previous egy employed by famed killer Peter Sutcliffe fully his. crackers can sound, check out the re-issue of with all your senses intact so that you feel every a.k.a. The Yorkshire Ripper. This was con- Waylon Live. Those hillbillies could swing like bone-shattering microsecond of your unspeak- firmed in an imaginary interview that I dreamt the fuckin’ Meters, Jack.) ably painful demise. Some philosophers (i.e. up while nodding off during a hash binge me) suggest that the soul, detached from the wherein Frankie told me, “it was inspired by eaches -- She’s turned down offers to body upon Death remains frozen in the emo- the Yorkshire Ripper.” remix Madonna and Britney then she tional attitude of the moment, meaning that Pwas turned down at Coachella ’03 when Sonny Bono’s soul will persist eternally in a the Stooges’ Ron Asheton refused to go on condition that resembles this: AAGGGGGHH- stage with anyone with a Bush that fucking big. HH - - FUUUUUCCCKKKK NOOOO MAKE Set it off! IT STOP AAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH IT HURTS SSSSOOOO MUCH!!!! Which is a ueen -- When Freddie Mercury shore shame really. Now he’s in Heaven with his off his luxurious locks in favour of moustache (screaming). Qgrowing a Police Badge, heart-broken male AND female fans threw disposable razors heap Trick -- Bun E. Carlos is the gifted at him in protest. But come on, the guy had so drummer behind such beats as “Da DA- much freaky sex that his dink exploded. Don’t CDA, Da DA-DA, Da DA-DA (“Southern hate! Girls”) and Boom CHIK Boom CHIK Boom CHIK (“I Want You To Want Me”). That little oberts, Sam -- This one’s for the ladies. Cutie-Pie that lives under his nose is just one Currently the hottest rock star in aspect of Bun’s victorious style, offset by a big RCanada offers a great Cock Sub for his groupies. Free beard rides, anyone? ol’ cunt belly and hair that continues to work acNeil, Rita -- We’re not suggesting well into retirement. Bun, therefore, is the bald- eorgia Street shredders — OK, it’s a that Rita MacNeil has a moustache. ing, middle-aged drummer’s abiding inspira- stretch. What we really mean is MWe’re suggesting that she should tion, as the dude from John Ford will tell you. GS.T.R.E.E.T.S., but the letter “S” was have a moustache to conceal that fucked-up already being used. We settled for the name of harelip. Then we’d all feel more comfortable their signature skate punk tune coz we couldn’t having to look at her. People tell me she’s a real afford to miss out on their fine array of chin cunt so don’t feel bad about reading this or ornaments. Here we have a veritable feast of even quoting it to your friends. facial fur with everything from bassist Mapee’s classic Pilsner Sieve to lead singer Jonny ervous Breakdown Beard, The— Olsen’s endangered Catfish. Brian Wilson’s mother of all mental Ncollapses makes every other rock star’s ughes, Jesse -- Currently leading the dance under the Bell Jar seem like rainy day whole Snow-Shovel revival. Besides blues, especially Rivers Cuomo, that nerd rock Hmaking neat little X-rated fuck jams, he pussy. But in the spirit of equal opportunity, we even makes sure his female backup singers feel obligated to point out that the depression sport soup-strainers. Bloat Cloak is not exclusive to men. For exam- ple, when Janis Joplin was busy making chun- ndigo Girls -- More of a Figurative dercide chic for sisters of rock, she probably ‘Stache. You still can’t tell which one’s didn’t have time to think about her bikini line. Ithe Mom and which one’s the “Dad”. File this one under Thigh Rasta. yck, Chris -- This guy has been metic- Thanks a lot, Lilith Fair. ulously preening his magnificent DPlumage since the 8th grade. He once esse Birch -- You may have seen him in shaved it off around ’93 and kept it in a wood- bands like Tard, Cum Soc, Zuckuss, etc. en box. His dedication to his beard can only be JI can assure you that you have not seen rivaled by Al Borland. Ironically, he is physi- anything until you’ve seen him use his over- cally unable to grow a moustache. Them’s the sized beard as a sponge to clean up his own erve and Protect Special -- Countless breaks! puke, only to wring out the contents into his rock stars fall into this category, but we willing mouth. Delicious! Spicked Junior Senior in a desperate attempt to broaden our readership. Considering ings of Leon — Good tunes. Great none of us here at the Nerve moonlight at Zulu whiskers. Terrible 18th Century Records, we’re really chuffed with ourselves KMongoloid Fringe. that we’ve heard of them. Just check out that orange Blue Boy on Senior. Too bad this photo doesn’t also showcase his glorious doughnut gunt.

utlaw Country -- We’re paid very well to dream up insults and invent scandal Ohere at The Nerve and for every merci- less attack that we launch the Boss compensates us handsomely. For every career that is destroyed, rest assured, ours is advanced. When it comes to Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson, ddie Big Beers -- Always on the cutting however, we will not be bought. We couldn’t be edge of rock fashion, the Gung-Hos bought – nothing that any of us here could do or Edrummer was one of the first to sport last emmy -- The overlord of everything that say will ever amount to a hill of shit compared year’s tennis wristband. So it’s only fitting that Moustache Rock has come to represent. to these giants of the Outlaw Country move- he would be leading the pack with this season’s LHe’s done more drugs than Fleetwood ment. So take a good long look at the cover of must-have accessory, the Prickly Pear. Mac and dined on enough fresh groupie pelt Are You Ready for the Country and drink of the he Gay -- For months we were under the (“this is Cindy’s first moustache”) to turn his perfect male essence that is ol’ Waylon and illusion that the guy from The Gay was rankie Poullain - The bassist with face into a glazed donut on a nightly basis. Oh wonder at how the world has gone so very Tjust some guy. So we looked him up in the world’s all-time greatest band the yeah, and he sings with his head held high to wrong in the years since. In short, The Only the Mint Records Hall Monitor registry, cross- FDarkness, has reached into very dark- referenced that with a Sweater Catalogue we the heavens just to let the big guy upstairs know Beard That Matters. (Incidentally, if you want ness-esses indeed for his UK-based ‘tache 16 keep handy for such things and lo-and-behold! Turns out it’s Keith Parry! The inventor of Carl Newman! Keith’s fine version of the Colonel Blimp brings to mind the “sensitive crimes” undertaken by many of the characters in Brideshead Revisited. Side note: Keith, strangely, is not from West Van.

2 -- As the premier Homosexual dance band of our time, U2 have long sported Utidy upper lips as a sop to those who prefer their blowjobs clean. In the “anything goes” 90’s, however, troubled bad-boy The Edge finally busted out with a near perfect Burt Reynolds-driven number for acces- sorized fluffing. Bono’s lyrics became much more upbeat during this period. Unicorns, The – No moustache yet, but as Rob Dayton has taught us, it’s only a matter of time. Except that Dayton is actually funny while The Unicorns are pathetic and we can’t believe they haven’t been signed to Mint already.

-Rated -- Uh.... we’re talking about the fake porn ‘staches. The members of Sex XWolf consider themselves serious musi- ciams. Sure, they haven’t completed their line- up yet, and we don’t even know if they’ve ever practiced or know how to play their instru- ments. But do you have any idea how hard it is to find a band starting with the letter “X” that is this hot to boot? (www.kittencoquette.com)

ankovic, Weird Al -- How ironic that Weird Al’s parents were recently slaugh- Ytered by a splinter terrorist organization known as Weird Al-Qaeda whose stated goal is to kill all of Weird Al’s parents. It’s ironic on Helvete, Hank -- What do you get if because Weird Al’s celebrated moustache is you cross Alice Cooper with that creepy really only one snip away from the style Vlittle French-Tickler from the favoured by Sophisticated Muslim Go- Stranglers? I don’t know, but if you add about Getters such as pre-spider hole era Saddam a hundred pounds you might just end up with Hussein who had no connection to Weird Al- this Norwegian grizzly bear. Rock WITH ass! Qaeda or Al-Qaeda but who did co-write “I’m Fat” and other gut-busting masterpieces of decadent American humour with Weird Al Yankovic. Or so I’m assuming. One other strange coincidence: many people on earth are “fat”.

ho, The Guess -- The fat fuck from The Guess Who whose breath Wstinks like Hippo Ass (I’m guess- ing) provided your correspondent with a deli- ciously comic moment. I was once fortunate appa, Frank -- On one hand we have enough to meet The Collection Agent who two very hirsute Southern gentlemen and was systematically destroying my life and was Za fellow with the unique distinction of delighted to find that he looked just like Burton having the surname Beard although he has Cummings – that is, a fat fuck from Winnipeg never been photographed while wearing his with piggly-wiggly eyes and a big, pudding namesake. dough face beneath tousled beer mattress stink On the other hand, we have the late, hair modeled after his homeless pickled moth- brilliant satirist and anti-censorship crusader. er, I’ll bet. He was so drunk (the Collection In his lifetime he managed to release about Agent) that I talked him into introducing me to 300 albums, dozens of films and even a few his whole office and guess what? Every single household appliances. The only thing bigger one of them looked like Burton Cummings than his artistic output is his giant nose and with that fat fuck moustache of his, the fuck. glorious Crop-Duster.

17 Off The Record The Pink Mountaintops V/A The Pink Mountaintops s/t Rock Against Bush with sex. But we did manage to capture Scratch Vol. 1 McBean’s responses on paper. Using the Fat Wreck Chords following answers as clues, it’s up to you to Stephen McBean may or may not have a porn piece the puzzle together. And remember, star cock, but the frontman for Vancouver’s I took this off of the it’s time to turn the page when you hear the critically acclaimed Jerk with a Bomb sings back of the CD: chimes ring like this... like he’s got a punishing pleasure pole throb- “The bands on this bing between his legs. If you haven’t been laid comp have come What band/solo artist does your band in a while and fear that you might forget what a together for one rea- never want to be compared to? proper fuck feels like, check out McBean’s side son and that’s to express our outrage at—and Fugazi or the Mentors. project, The Pink form a unified front against—the dangerous, On your dream bill, what Mountaintops. One listen to the destructive, and deadly policies of George W. two acts would the Pink self-titled CD will bring you Bush and his administration.” I think that says Mountaintops be sand- back to that lazy summer noon- a lot, so you know what to expect with this wiched in between? er you had years ago when comp: a lot of great tunes from punks that are Lil’ Kim and Serge Portishead’s Dummy was the on the rocktivist frontlines, including a track Gainsbourg. best sex album going. Lyrically, featuring Jello Biafra with D.O.A. as well as What recording humbles McBean is downright raunchy, unreleased songs from Anti-Flag, NOFX, Rise you every time you hear it engorging the tightest of twats Against, Descendents and Billy Bragg. A lot of and why? with lines like, “I came all over other great bands, not all punk though. Who The Richard Harris Love myself/ Wish I came all over the fuck is New Found Glory? And the Ataris Album. Hearing a grown your blouse.” Musically, this totally suck. There’s even some sorta hip-hop man get so worked up over album is little on the Velvet reggae song and I can’t forget to mention a cake never sounded so good. Underground side, especially killer song by Ministry. As a bonus, four music

Photo: Laura Murray Worst gig ever? the cover of Joy Division’s “Atmosphere”. It’s videos are thrown into the mix. Basically, Rock fter a torturous interrogation of I’ve never had a bad show. not all sweaty smut though. McBean shares a Against Bush Vol. just has so much going on Steve McBean of the Pink When did you get so dirty? lovely tryst in Paris with Amber Webber in the that I’ve maxed out my word-count. Therefore, AMountaintops we fell short of con- Closet perverts can only contain themselves delightful duet “Tourist in Your Town”. As if you like buying comps, steal this one. cluding what the band’s name means— for so long before the cream begins to spill sweet as the aforementioned track is, it doesn’t -Hooped either a desire to paint the peaks of the through their jeans. I’ve been holding it all in detract from the fact that the rest of The Pink Pacific Northwest in delightful rosy flesh- since 1969. Mountains is an audio handjob. Sex Positions tones or a 35-year-old pent-up obsession -Ryan Calvery -Meathole Sex Positions Deathwish Inc. Belvedere The Girls The Marked Men Fast Forward Eats The Girls One The Outside A pretty silly name the Tape Dirtnap Dirtnap for a ripping hard- Union 2112 core band, but Holy shit, when did these guys turn New I don’t know a lot about this band, other than what’s in a name Belvedere has been Wave? Last time I saw them they were chock it’s guitarist Mark Ryan’s side project when anyway? I was around since ‘95 full of Hate City guys punking out in jean vests. he’s not playing with the Riverboat Gamblers. hoping for songs and I believe this is Since then they’ve cleaned shop and traded in The Marked Men is definitely a little more like “The Wheelbarrow”, “Reverse Cowgirl” their third release. It their jean vests for suit vests. A solid 10-song “janglier” than RGB’s blistering rock. This and “The Swayze Walkaround” but no luck. would be a safe bet disc that kinda sounds like a cross between the disc will play great along side any Briefs Instead, 11 songs of blistering hardcore linked to call these guys the Canadian Millencolin. Cars and the Briefs. Seems to be THE sound album. Hands down, another fine release from together by all sorts of industrial noize like Tight melodic punk. The type of stuff you coming out of Seattle these days. Dirtnap Records. power drills, air compressors and R2D2 on could kickflip and rail slide your bag off to. -Jono Jak -Jono Jak meth. Fans of Refused, the Blood Brothers and -Jono Jak the Locust will tear their fishnets over this. Mistress Jen The Organ -Jono Jak Blondie Buzz Grab That Gun The Curse of Independent Mint/ 604 The Hiss Blondie Panic Movement Sanctuary Well, the music is refreshing—the vocals are This is what is Sanctuary good and I am a sucker for a good keyboardist. playing in the back- OK, so “Maria” The lyrics, however, are embarrassing to me. ground on a Sunday Whenever one band was such a great I’m sure all of her friends have already told her morning as rain breaks through and Blondie song that it how great this CD is but I’ve got to give my streaks down the “makes it”, there made up for rest of personal honest opinion. I’ll leave it up to the windows of your are sure to be 10 the shit on their last readers to judge for themselves: “His name is cozy basement suite and you’re curled up with bands that show up album. Well, The Curse of Blondie is the exact Fred the Cat/And he’s a spoiled brat/And he your cat writing in your diary. Very atmos- sounding just like opposite. The first song, “Shake Down”, is a keeps getting fat”. Now it’s my turn: “Don’t pheric, yet almost drab and very British 80’s them but shittier. With Blink 187 you’ve got failed attempt to recreate the success Deborah believe your coffee shop friends/They’ll lie ‘til alterna-pop sounding. Imagine the music of shit like Simple Plan riding its coattails. With Harry and co. had with “Rapture”, their previ- the end./Some just think yer cute/Some are the Cure with the moody droning of Stereolab Nicklebag you’ve got crap like Default riding ous stab at rap music. This latest effort comes afraid to tell you the truth/That’s ‘cause they and vocals that sound like Justine from Elastica shotgun. And now you’ve got the hiss riding off sounding like a ranting audience member in don’t want you to cry/And you had to try/So doing a bang-on Morrisey. Anyone who grew the JET stream. Unlike Jet, ALL of these songs a daytime talk show and I think she should have don’t give up/But write some better stuff! up on any of that stuff (or wants to appear sen- are lame. It’s like they’re trying way too hard to cut it shorter like Patti Smith’s “Babelogue”. -Billy Hopeless sitive enough to sleep with people who grew up be on the radio, and I think even the radio But once the opening track is over, we sudden- on that stuff) owes it to themselves to get this would think this stuff is gay. ly find ourselves submerged in a true Blondie The Marvels record. The Organ are from Vancouver, but if -Jono Jak album, full of everything that made this band so Cheat To Win this came out in England they would no doubt great. Danceable, sweet, sultry and fashionable Abbey Lounge be hailed by Q as the greatest thing since lip- Die Hunns music just like mom used to make! stick on straight men. Long Legs Die Hunns -Billy Hopeless Boston by way of -J. Pee Patchez Disaster Portland punks the The Hangmen Marvels are on Primal Fear Some might remember a few months back Loteria some crooked-nose, Devil’s Ground when I interviewed Duane Peters and said that Acetate army boot ‘n’ wool Nuclear Blast I couldn’t wait for this album to come out. hat wearin, sleeve- Well, now that it’s here I’ve got to say that it OK, what can I say about the new album by one tatted street punk. It’s pissed to the gills on How to make a skid was well worth the wait and the money I had to of my favourite rock ‘n’ roll bands of all time some cheap swill and hittin’ the bricks like that vest. You will need: spend to get a copy. Songs like “Animals”, besides that I’m yet to be let down by them and gang of punks with the modified bus in The 1 denim jacket “Love & Hate” are the perfect soundtrack for still as impressed as ever. Although I don’t find Warriors. This is the kind of record that makes (well worn), 1 kick- bombing the streets, and the addition of Corey this album as dark as Metallic I.O.U., there’s Beantown after dark on St. Patties Day about as ass back patch and Parks is the finest icing to this exploding wed- still a very bittersweet feeling to Loteria. In safe as Fallujah. Nasty, snotty, and plenty chan- 1 heart of steel. ding cake! Viva Les Hunns! fact I think the band just sounds more excited, ty. Ten minutes of this shit and Ghandi himself First, remove the sleeves from your jacket. You -Billy Hopeless energized, and fresher than on the last CD. would be slammin’ cooking sherry and getting will not need these. Next, take your kick-ass Take all this into account and toss in the best all up in faces with a broken bottleneck and back patch (I’m going to go with Priest’s Starvin Hungry cover of the Stones classic “Citadel” and I’m bein’ all like, “Who’s yer brother?” The only ‘Painkiller’) and fasten it to the centre of the Damnesty still a huge Hangmen fan who is willing to complaint is that at only seven songs (the bal- back of your vest. I find sewing works well for Grenadine cough up a few dollars more for anything they lad doesn’t count), it’s way too short. this step. Finally, get in the pit and thrash! release. -J. Pee Patchez -8-Ball For some dudes from Montreal, Starvin Hungry -Billy Hopeless got some real balls making a rock record that is

18 Off The Record Worst CD very month The Nerve gets a dozen or so CDs that make us wonder if Ethe band’s publicist has ever read our magazine. So, from now on we’re going to feature the most heinous example of shite music that lands on our doorstep and see what the artist(s) have to say for themselves. Here’s our June staff pick:

Evil & Stupid s/t Independent

It takes a particularly corny coil to draw worst album status. However, this pretentious, over-reaching, masturbatory tripe that takes itself seriously deserves not only the title, but a counter-attack. How dare you slap the face of Pan himself? Even grandma sprung for a Korg in 1985 and stopped using that wood- panelled organ with six different pre-set metronomic drumbeats. Shag carpeting, lava lamps, wood-panel walls that match that Starvin Hungry Photo: Kristi Ropeleski damn organ are unforgivable in the modern long, long time ago in a far off mys- The Tea Party comes to mind as do The day of this great country. Tambourines stop Photo: Laura Lemay Nerve: What were you thinking? terious land known as To-ron-to, Smiths and The Cure. Oh and uhh.... Hot and unexplainably start; the organ starts and two twin brothers decided to create Hot Heat. A suddenly stops; a man of highly questionable a musical sensation that would change the On your dream bill, what two acts would Evil & Stupid: What were we thinking? hardiness starts speak-singing and drifts off; way people viewed the universe as a whole. Starvin Hungry be sandwiched in Let’s see what the Motley Crüe revivalists at but that fucking synthetic robo, water-torture John, with the help of his brother Glenn between? the Nerve think, darling. I guess we should drumming NEVER STOPS. Now a woman is Milchem of Blue Rodeo and the Swallows The Velvet Underground and The have put a vagina on the cover. reading a kids book. Ugh. Put this album to fame, became Starvin Hungry. Dirtbombs. We’d be happy to be destroyed PS - Should I wear spikes live? Unfortunately nobody could tell them on stage by both bands. sleep! apart. They tried everything to get people What recording humbles you every time -J. Pee Patchez to realize they were different: they juggled you hear it and why? back and forth between solo and duo, John The list is endless but the current choice even got a giant snake & skull tattooed on would have to be Dangerous Magical Noise his chest but still nothing worked. Finally, by The Dirtbombs or Wonderful Rainbow by DVDs after three years John left his brother and Lightning Bolt. Black Label Society tell him that it’s gay). What rocker digital traveled to the enchanted world of Worst gig ever? Boozed, Broozed & Broken Boned endeavour would be complete without a cou- Montreal. There he managed to gather a Opening for The Constantines in front of a Spitfire/Eagle Vision ple of longhairs sitting on stools doing an band of merry men to bring Starvin minute, apathetic crowd. Most of them were Hungry music to the masses. John even waiting outside the club for us to finish our unplugged set somewhere? Rockers ain’t The main attraction here is Ozzy Osbourne’s managed to wrangle a member out of set. John’s amp died during soundcheck and funny, especially when they are trying to be, guitarist, Zakk Wylde, and his band Black Tricky Woo and when he got scared the other opening act refused to lend him so skip the section called “Dumb Shit”. replaced him with a little Soft Canyon. theirs. We sucked. Label Society playing a sold out show in front Wylde does shred a rendition of “The Star Favourite beats coming out of the WCR of 3,000 boozed maniacs at Harpo’s in Spangled Banner” that would definitely What band/solo artist does your band (Western Canadian Region) scene, G? Detroit. Zakk has his own insane rock guitar straighten Jimi’s ‘fro and he does it at an L.A. never want to be compared to? No Means No, Nasty On, Carolyn Mark, 3 style and slays a Les Paul like no other. Some Kings game. Also included is the band’s Inches of Blood, the first two Battleaxe songs are definitely on the CHEEEESE bor- video for “Stillborn” directed by Wylde’s comps, Rock & Hyde, Loverboy and derline, but when you’re as boozed and good buddy Rob Zombie. The best section, Chilliwack. broozed as these fans are it just doesn’t mat- however, is the “Hardcore Vol.1 Guitar -Ryan Calvery ter. This visual feast has a bunch of options. Lesson” by Zakk himself...... spread the There’s an interview section where Zakk talks cheese from crust to crust. I played along with about everything from being a jock to his first my own axe and still couldn’t quite nail those more as supercharged guitars, electrifying leads, and Gibson to a bunch of other stuff that he mum- Zakk Wylde Hammer-ons. All in all, enter- New raucous punk attitude race full throttle to hell. bles his way through. There’s even a segment taining and my hair grew a full six inches by York Like all Zeke, this is straight up ass-kicking called “3 minutes with Rae Rae” where he the end of it. than rock! You’ve just met your new favourite sings with his baby daughter (I dare you to -Jono Jak any- band... again. thing -Jono Jak actually coming out of New York. Try and imagine if art-school Wolf Eyes rock-models like the Strokes actually had some Stabbed in the Face 12” edge and actually felt a little dangerous. These Sub Pop guys are dark, riffy, distorted, and fuzzed-out, yet aren’t afraid to pull out some moments of You know that guy who walks around Home nearly Voivod-like innovation. As well as Depot all dressed in black? No, not me. I’m just rocking out as hard as say, early AC/DC, these there for the Harvey’s, man. I’m talking about guys can also come with the harmonicas or vio- the other guy who’s always renting huge power lins and get into some fancy Velvet tools and asking the sales clerks what kinda Undergroundy parts. The vocals are clear and sound they make. He’s an artist and a very trou- naked, sometimes sounding like an early Glenn bled one at that, as he hates the guys who work Danzig, other times a little like Jim Morrison or at music stores so much that he decided to find Lou Reed. That is not to say that this stuff is other places to shop for instruments. Just the gratuitous throwback rawk. Nope, these guys thought of some guy wearing a bolo tie trying to don’t even budge the needle on the bullshit sell him a guitar makes him growl and scream detector. like a street crazy and he really understands -J. Pee Patchez where Wolf Eyes are coming from. As for me, I just really like the option of getting my pickles Zeke on the side and laughing as I tell the music store Til The Livin End clerk I’m looking for the cheapest mike stand Relapse possible ‘cause it’ll be broken by the second song. Do ya think these -Billy Hopeless guys like Motörhead??? This 15-song CD burns from start to finish

19

Music Wolves in Cheap Clothing The Span Prove That Hooks Matter More Than Looks photos: courtesy of The Span photos: courtesy of Too drunk to fuck: puzzled by a human female, The Span accidentally rip both her legs off.

become? Why not move to Bowser or Oyster the tits and the game is fucking on. I don’t By Jake Warren Bay? No industry bullshit there. Eventually I know what kind of workout system these ooks can be so bloody deceiving. Take meet the drummer Lindy, who is of course not dudes have or what kind of special diets The Span, for instance. I walked in half my dad, and Trenton who plays guitar. I tell they’re on—I know it’s not Atkins—but when Lway through their set and was instantly them how much I loved the set. They all smile these guys aren’t being super nice to everyone blown away. I remember seeing Ben from and thank me for coming. Nice guys, eh? I and looking like my dad, they’re drinking hard Lucky watching the band closely. He mention the whole sound thing, hoping that liquor under a table somewhere. What hap- screamed in my direction, “Have you seen they are huge fans of some of my favourite pened next is a blur. Like you, the reader, I these guys yet!?” I hadn’t. From the small groups and this will explain why they are so have only these photos to help tell the story. crowd I assumed they were from out of town. good at this shit. ”You guys sound a lot like All I know about that night is that between the Fuck, they were good. A four piece playing Samiam and The Promise Ring, man. You guys telling me about their love of Radiohead, some of the catchiest pop-punk I’d heard in a must be huge fans right?” Dwayne takes a sip writing songs about life, recording their first long, long time. But as great the Span guys of his beer, smiles way too politely for punk album with famed Island engineer Scott sounded that night, something was off. They rock and asks, “Who’s Samiam? The Promise Henderson, and Dwayne telling me he only looked wrong. Now I hate to categorize people what?” Now I’m just angry. started singing two years ago, I drank more or label them, but honestly man, I was half- Pushing aside my frustration, I kept my hard liquor, chaser-free, than I have ever drank waiting for my dad to stand up from behind the word and made a date with the band for a full before. kit. There wasn’t a single black t-shirt or visi- interview and photo shoot. I have to admit So, The Span is my favourite new Van. ble tattoo up there. Isn’t that illegal now or though; I was hesitating about doing the story. Island band. This title carries a few responsi- something? As I continued to watch them tear I’m a huge fan but are they, dare I say it, punk bilities for both the band and myself. I will go through one great song after another, I could- enough for the pages ofThe Nerve? After a to all of their local shows, get too drunk and n’t help but think, “Shit, where do these guys quick chat withThe Nerve editor, the idea of a start my own private pit while pissing off all get off sounding like Samiam meets The standard interview was scrapped. Instead, we their close friends and family. I will yell loud- Promise Ring when they look like they should would try to do something more involved—go ly in between their songs about how good the be programming someone’s computer? I had bowling or shoot pool or go to the Petting Zoo last song was, drawing as much attention to to know what was going on with The Span so in Beacon Hill Park – anything to make this myself as possible. I will tell as many people I did what I always do when I’m really stoked article a little more colourful. Ya, that sounds about The Span as I can, describing in detail on a live band and I’ve been drinking since punk—do your story at the fucking heavy pet- how they sound like bands that they have 2:00pm: I introduced myself. ting zoo. Fucking GNAR! I called Dwayne never actually heard. I will write about them in Over a beer or three, I shout at lead gui- back to get his thoughts. He loved the zoo idea The Nerve so people will remember to check tarist Dwayne about how much I loved the set but wanted to save it for Exclaim. I needed them out when they play. And I will never and that I’d like to do an article about the band. help but I wasn’t prepared for his suggestion. mention how un-punk they look. It ain’t a Dwayne agrees and I learn the cold hard truth We decided to meet on Friday night to do what dress code, man – it’s a state of mind. I will do about The Span. Just what I expected, too. The Span do every Friday night—go drinking. all this and more in exchange for a promise They’re friends that have come from I’m sorry, what did you say? from The Span that they never, no matter how Chilliwack and Cobble Hill to Victoria to, get Friday night. 10:00pm. Downtown much press it might get them, make me meet this, actually make a go of playing music for a Victoria. I was already a bit loaded, I got them for drinks ever again. living! They chose to avoid Vancouver and blindsided by an old friend carrying a full bot- other major cities with any music industry tle of champagne. We pop the bottle and I The Span’s self titled, first full length CD is bullshit. I figure I got these guys pegged right think, this is gonna be a good year. The Span out now on 15 Story Records. from the start. Fuckers. Is this what punk has arrives, down goes the champagne, out come

21 Live Wires Southern Culture on the Skids The Hangmen @ The Drink, Vancouver Sunday May 9th, 2004 good ole hillbilly show is the perfect me of back home, junior!” Tex’s ma shouts place for a Texass family outing, so for while boogying on the dance floor. Southern AMother’s Day I done took my ole hill- Culture brought their country funk, hillbilly billy ma out to see her favourite band. The surf and even dished up some swamp garage Drink door guy searched me, but Ma managed boogie from their new album Mojo Box that to sneak in a flask of her home-cooked corn got the whole bar on the dance floor. They whiskey. Good ole ma. Classy place, The followed that up with a picnic pack of songs Drink is—and they serve liquor in plastic from their 19-year back catalogue that are all cups. about eatin’ chicken, drivin’ cars, drinkin’ and The late Ray Condo was supposed to lovin’. Rick Miller paid homage to Dick open up this here show but since he couldn’t Dale with some smoking surf guitar pickin’ make it (R.I.P.) they threw in some random while bassist Mary Huff and that candy sweet replacement, didn’t introduce ‘em and hoped voice of hers took over on the mic for a hand- no one would notice. The no-name band ful of songs. Aside from finally replacing the played background Alt-Country music with fat clown (and his keyboards) with a new no character or soul and with the volume trailer park reject, these guys have stayed reli- turned down. Tex’s ma was bored. ably the same, delivering the same good ener- As soon as the boys and gal of gy, good times, good tunes and fried chicken. S.C.O.T.S. hit the stage our table was emptied Tex’s ma says, “yeehaw”. like a shot of whiskey. “These guys remind -Cowboy TexAss

NoMeansNo, Married to Music, Ford Pier @ Richards on Richards, Vancouver Wednesday, May 19th

t figures that we get one of the greatest played songs from all their albums and ended lineups in a long time and I miss half the the night with two encores and a molasses- Ishow. I blame Seany Blitzkrieg (of The slow rendition of “Beat on the Brat”. Didn’t Ramores) and Cowboy Bob for coming over get to see the Neanderthal jock who sucker- and drinking all my liquor before the show. punched me at the last Married to Music show. I’ve been waiting to see Married to Music If you’re actually literate and are reading this open for NoMeansNo since the first time I fucko: I hope you feel real good about exert- seen those guys and blew it. My apologies. ing your masculinity on a 130 lb. weakling. As for the old timers, the Wright brothers By the by, what were you doing using the are still at it and they still got it. At times a lit- girl’s bathroom anyways? Queer. tle rusty, they still hammered out some of the The NoMeansNo show was good. best bass-heavy punk rock out there. They - Cowboy TexAss

Grind Tour 2004 – Death By Stereo, BigWig, Belvedere, Tsunami Bomb, Misconduct @ The Boot Pub, Whistler photo: Laura Murray Saturday, May 15th he Boot Pub rocks and we can all thank al off their latest full length, Fast Forward The Hangmen, John Ford, Blood Meridian Paul, Lindsay and the Nerve Empire for Eats the Tape, these guys will not stop for @ The Brickyard, Vancouver Tbringing in such a stellar fucking show. anything and good on ‘em. They displayed the Misconduct made the trip all the characteristics of true punk rock veterans. Thursday, May 13th way from Sweden to play in Whistler for the Bigwig: some of the nicest guys I’ve met Grind Tour. These kids are full of energy, in the industry and they truly enjoy the B.C. nce in a while a cool obscure band will the map, blink and you’ll miss a genre. Plus, catchy and heavy hooks plus they seem to Chron. They rocked, had the patrons singing blow up so huge it makes you puke. I’m always sucked in by bands with tag-team play their pop-punk songs while spending half their songs and literally dancing in a spastic OThen there are those highly influential vocals. JoFo should have a wider appeal but the time in the air. Overall, Misconduct was a epileptic fashion. If you missed them you bands that slug it out for years and can’t seem for some reason, most of the lil’ rock brats in tight band that rocked the socks off the capac- suck and need to be educated about good to get arrested (unless drunk). L.A. rock out- this city are only into image-- as opposed to ity crowd at the Boot. The majority of their punk rock. Don’t be so fucking cheap and fit The Hangmen are still standing while many slick musicianship. Hey assholes: Just ‘cuz blistering set was off their new full length support your punk rock scene. other bands around them have burnt out or you’re all fashion victims doesn’t mean all …united as one. Death By Stereo took to the stage and the busted up and seeing them live explains it all. bands should be. Tsunami Bomb took the stage and their energy level was so intense, I could feel my Not sure how many of them are original mem- I had never seen openers Blood Meridian lovely vocalist, Agent M, blew the roof off the ‘roid jingle between my cheeks. I say that bers aside from ultrasexy singer/guitarist and was curious how they’d sound since this Boot. What can you say about an extremely these guys fuck California, move to B.C. and Bryan Small but they are a tight unit that can group was formed by ex-Black Halo Matt talented, hyperactive stage commander— play monthly shows for me. Yes you read that only described as Supersuckers + Rocket from Camirand. I was completely shocked by good looking to boot—that keeps you mes- right, ME. Fresh from a tour opening for the Crypt. The Hangmen slipped over/under how…mellow they are. Camirand sings so merized? Holy fuck is what I say! Despite all Slipknot, they played their instruments my radar as a young ‘un but after that show I delicately and musically that they sound eyes on Agent M, it was the unit as a whole absolutely perfectly. Lead singer Efrem need one of their albums - so many bands, so rather subdued, although they picked up the that made the set a knock-out punch. shared the mic with whoever was up front and little $. pace for their last song. They reminded me I have watched Belvedere’s musical not a word was missed. As well, if you’re I feel Vancouver’s punked up arena rock band of latter-day Pavement. It’ll be interesting to career over the years and can say that these thinking of becoming a drummer – listen to John Ford is one the most underrated in town. see what direction they end up choosing down guys get better and better with every live Todd Henning’s drumming and think twice (I’m not sayin’ this ‘cuz I know them--I think the road. show. Playing their golden oldies from 1998’s because you most likely suck. they’re all PRICKS!) Their sound is all over -Casey Cougar Because No one Stopped Us to newer materi- -Die from Death

22

Film Optic Nerve Gore Freaks and Geeks: The Complete Series The Haunted House (or) The Kids in the Hall: Season One Girls Get Their Heads Cut Off By Sinister Sam s I blinkingly descend into a whirlwind state of mind, the only films that seem Ato make sense to watch again and again is the haunted house epic. The cheapened aes- thetic possibilities are relentless. Trying to get a keen sense of all this haunted aesthetic and feel, I’ve been gathering as many old pre-code horror reprints as I can, going for the old EC illustrative efforts that spell good ol’ horror ide- ology and twisty murder spouse story lines that obsessively recreate some sort of fucked up Americana relationship hole. Along with the pile of ECs, I also tackled the TALES TOO TERRIBLE TO TELL and FIFTIES HORROR reprint titles and guides to see more of the spec- trum of the horror efforts from the golden fifties. Even the seventies promise of HOR- ROR TALES and WITCHES’ TALES had the right idea, but were hit and miss compared to the mouldy creaturific oldies. All of these, again, reached to quench some sort of blood thirst for the spreading of the dark haunt plague, but it still needed some virtual move- By Bjorn Olson ators Feig and Apatow are featured on most ment and creep show action to seal the deal in An actual film that was used for audience par- of the commentaries and they are masters at blood and wax mask paper. ticipation/victims that is more of a haunted he dawn of DVD has been a boon to engaging those who appear (from the cast, to As I meandered through the newish house comedy than a straight fright fest, which nerds everywhere. But where the for- a group of super-nerdy fans) in scintillating releases from the one and only Something is kind of a bummer since the kids back then Tmat has really taken off is within the discussion. Simply because getting interest- Weird Video, I noticed (after still trying to would have freaked out at anything cold falling realm of TV. More and more, cult shows that ing commentary out of actors who usually recover from their long awaited SWAMP OF on their faces or reaching out for them regard- fans thought would never see the inside of a sound like they have nothing else better to do THE RAVENS release) the aptly titled MON- less of the cop-out horror comedy bit. picture tube again have been making appear- if like pulling teeth, Feig and Apatow STER CRASH THE PYJAMA PARTY Spook ances in deluxe DVD box sets. This past deserve huge points for creating a DVD Show Spectacular DVD that had the skeleton 45 MINUTES OF SPOOK SHOW TRAILERS April 27th was a watershed day, as it saw the package that does their little show justice. aesthetic that I’ve been searching for. I find myself watching this feature again and release of a pair of sets whose simple exis- Anyone who came of age in the early This DVD, first and foremost, is cap- again for the art of the old B/W live spook tence speaks volumes about the power of a ‘90s knows and loves Kids in the Hall, more- italizing on the old spook-show idea. In the old show trailers and the intensity of the horrorific strong fan base. over, anyone who knows anything about days, teens got to watch a good horror flick dialogue. Things along the lines of, “See mon- Freaks and Geeks ran for 18 episodes comedy has Kids in the Hall to thank for accompanied by theatre-planned strange occur- sters through the aisle and cut off girls’ heads!” on various nights on NBC in 1999 and 2000. turning it on its ear. Masters of subversive rences up and down the walkways, within the The darkened hues and fangtastic narration The death knell seemed to sound as soon as suburban-influenced humor, the Kids have crowds, or from the balconies. It didn’t stop against the haunted paintings and dripping the show was out of the gate, and the fact that been deservedly treasured like a dirty little there, as many of the film features were thrown words that appear on the screen would make it managed to last as long as it did is remark- secret. aside for straight up live action stage shows any retro rockabilly horror band cry. Worth the able. In the wake of a great deal of ridicu- Being 13 in 1989, I grew up with the that had actors, monsters, and screaming price of the DVD alone and rapidly becoming lous high school dramas, Freaks and Geeks Kids. They pretty much came along at the women prepared before hand for the theatre one of my most watched “features”. was welcomed as a refreshing and realistic perfect time, just as I was starting to question turned death house. MCTPP Spook Show change of pace. Being too smart for TV, it the validity of Sunday dinners and mowing Spectacular is an amazing DVD with HOURS GALLERY OF SPOOK SHOW STILLS was never meant to last. Nevertheless, an the lawn. The Kids greatest strength lies in of special features that you can click away at 300 images of ads and posters for the old spook on-line campaign (spurned by series co-cre- their dead-on parodies of the worlds they for your every day Halloween party. Here’s a shows gathered and scanned for the DVD by ators Paul Feig and Judd Apatow) allowed came from, from their merciless skewering rundown of some of the things you get: Something Weird. VERY cool skeletons, crea- the show to jump through some logistic of office politics, to their critical yet endear- tures, and ghosts terrorizing mankind with clut- hoops (mainly music clearance) to ascend to ing critique of the family unit. Besides the MONSTERS CRASH THE PYJAMA PARTY tered typography that goes along well after the the relative posterity of DVD. fact that they said “shit” and “fuck” on TV, (1965) trailers since as you watch the slide show you I’m sure I don’t need to introduce any- this was the most exciting thing about the get to dig the radio ads. one to the Kids in the Hall. Canada’s fore- show. most comedy troupe, the Kids ran for 5 sea- The great thing about the Kids DVD set SPOOK HOUSE RIDE sons from 1989-1994 on CBC and HBO. A is how the humor not only holds up, but has Actual film footage of a cool ride through mini K.I.T.H. set was pretty much a foregone con- become more complex and poignant over train car haunted house at a fair or carnival. clusion, but for the longest time it was only time. A great example is the legendary available via their web site. Demand proved sketch “Womyn”, in which a group of guys TORMENTED (1960 Dir: Bert I. Gordon) to be so great that a mass-market set was playing cards around a table eventually This was the icing on the bloodied cake that eventually announced. reveal how they’d like to become emotional- made me decide to grab this DVD. Richard Freaks and Geeks is one of those shows ly and physically more like women (“Okay Carlson (THE CREATURE FROM THE that was never meant to last on network TV. gents, I wanna be a dyke.”) Now that I’m the BLACK LAGOON) is haunted by a floozie There is no doubt it touched a nerve with its same age as the Kids were when they were that he let fall from the top of a lighthouse. He incisive recreation of high school in all its making the show, everything I found funny has another woman lined up and didn’t need shitty glory. Packed with commentaries, as a kid just makes that much more sense. the fast one screwing things up for him. Of deleted scenes, out-takes and other swag, The DVD set itself is, well, not that course, her ghost antics drive him crazy and the this massive 6-disc set is so bountiful it impressive. The Kids do a ramshackle, ill- whole ocean ghost beach seaweed rot extrava- almost makes me want to cry. Freaks and prepared commentary for a few sketches, ganza is always a plus for any haunted dark Geeks is one of those shows that was never and there is some early performance footage ocean story run amok. meant to last on network TV. There is no that’s certainly of interest, but for the most PLUS… lots of other extras including a guide doubt it touched a nerve with its incisive part there’s not much to get excited about to making your own spook show straight from recreation of high school in all its shitty with regard to special features. No matter, as some old leaflet instructions for a theatre. glory. Now I know you’ve heard this kind of the real meat are the episodes themselves. Now, if anyone had the balls to do a spook thing before, but the extras here make a great Utterly unique, the Kids in the Hall are for show up here and try to resurrect this thing, show even greater. Most impressive are the the ages. we’d all be dead from screaming with pure commentaries, and while I’ve only been able headless TERROR. to sample a handful of the 29 or so, Co-cre-

24 Ainsworth Skate Spot The Bloody Road to Death

Jamie Thomas front boards thru the kinks

By J. Ainsworth

he best thing about chewing tobacco is you can talk Tabout it endlessly, often for months. Last month I told you people about the proper care and maintenance of a spittoon, and now I get this letter from this idiot, Make sure to have your spittoon at the this… goddamned goofool who had the end- ready!!! I recommend putting down some less gall to ask me how, in fact, how a fellow papers in case you miss. It’s okay to miss should go about learning the habit. First of all, when you’re a novice. And you will miss, in this is something that should be learned from the beginning. But you won’t miss… when your father. My father taught me, I’m not you’re a man. playing the surrogate father game to you (I got this nice spittoon just the other day, scumfuck readers, fuck off. Second of all, you its hand decorated and very very chic. If you really should just know. Instinct, that’s what need one, call 720-7632 and ask for Carl. You the scientists call it. The…. Understanding of won’t be disappointed; it is a very nice spit- tobacco handling is as natural to a superior toon.) man as riding horses. You should just know. Do not, by the holy Mother of Saint The fact is that you, Mr. Justin Anderson of Cyril, under any circumstances, let the mess 2376 W.70th ave, Vancouver, BC, are no man. all dribble out of the corner of your mouth and You’re a walking half animal, possible a all over everywhere, because it doesn’t look female ape of some sort, absolutely repulsive. good. Just how rottenly awful are you, Justin? It all came out of my nose at one partic- photo: Miss Kim Anyway, I figure, what the hell, I’ll tell ularly entertaining juncture. you subanimals how it’s done, how to walk Now, hooshle it out, straight into the spit- the talk as they say in betting circles. I have toon and not on the walls. You’re done! It Slam City - No Joke! provided illustrations at my expense, because really is this simple! Now light up a regular no expense should be spared when looking for cigarette and fuck, it’s like your head leaps up Vans Demo Rocks 52 Jason Dashney, 53 Jordan Hoffart, 56 Sean the truth, as Diomenes said. And it’s as true to the moon and sucks itself. It’s a great feel- The Vans Demo Thursday, May 20 at Hastings Hayes, 58 Gailea Momolu, 60 Chris Kendall, now as it was then. ing. Very sensual. Park was a skate/drinking fest, more like a 61 Josh Evin, 62 Swell Lloydsmith. Men’s First, take the little disk thing in the left Anyway, I don’t know about you, but I summer BBQ than an athletic event. It had Vert was won by Bucky Lasek, 2 Chris Gentry, hand. Also you can buy the little disk in a vari- see a pretty bleak day at the horse races this tasty waves, free hot dogs and some cool bud. 3 Sandro Dias, 4 Lincoln Ueda, 5 Andy Mac. ety of stores. I like Copenhagen brand tobac- Saturday. It’s a dicksucking extravaganza, I Cab & Ray Barbee rockin’ the bowl and striped Canadian rippers include – 10 Pierre-Luc co, but you might want to experiment a bit. reckon, just staying at home and practicing knee-socks, TnT rocked backside Smiths with Gagnon, MTL, 16 Max Dufour, MTL, 24 Now open it, this is kind of tricky, give it your tobacco might be the best answer. Still, I one green and one black shoe (yes children, the Anthony Hancock, Calgary. The long gap a twist or something. Hey Presto! It’s open. like Sandshrew in the fourth, Annie’s Legacy 80’s returneth). Cardiel was absent, recovering comp was won by Tony Trujillo, clearing 18’6’ That horrid ammonia smell is as natural as a in the fifth won’t suck your cock. Sixth, that from a car accident, leaving the door open for (no joke!) and matched (after timeout) by local summer’s rain. one’s a cocksucker. Cocksucker of a race. I tha locs to shine. Keegan Sauder (big transfers, ripper Josh Evin. Take a pinch. Insert that pinch in mouth. have Jody H, but, come on, it’s all a suck-cock 360 blunt transfer, lookin’ good in a big pink Look out boyz, tha girlz are coming up, Scoochle it over into the side of your filthy mouth action situation. Seventh race is a com- hat), Johnny B with tha BS Smiths as well, Girls Street results as follows: 1 Vanessa dripping mouth using your sensual toungue. plete cocksucker; you’re on your own. Exotic Craig Williams and Dave Priest were going Torres (kf/bs down rail), 2 Elissa Steamer (big Give it a good squiggle. Sheeba might suck your cock. Play this one off... sometimes domestic can be as tasty as kf over hip), 3 Lauren Perkins, 4 Patiane By the Holy Mother of Kazan do NOT, for the odds, fellows. It’s all cocksucking imported. Freitas, 5 Jessica Krause, and Canadians - 9 repeat not, swallow the mouth mess. It’s natu- faghanging gay action in this one. The eighth Jessie Van Roechoudt , 15 Alison Matasi, 18 ral for your rotten mouth to produce spit. Mix race can just suck your dick right out of you. Slam City Results Rose Archie, 20 Cass Belanger. Girl’s Vert the spit into the tobacco using your long, rot- Total cocksucking race. Shesagoldmine looks The Men’s Street contest was a chaotic frenzy results, 1 Cara-Beth, 2 Mimi Knoop, 3 Lyn-Z ten, sensual gay tongue. You do so much with interesting, for a cocksucker, but coming off a of skating, including a best trick and long gap Adams Hawkins, 4 Holly Lyons, 5 Tina Neff. that tongue, don’t you, you fat dirty whore…. long break, it just aint good cocksucker contest. Greg Lutzka won street, Rodil placed and Whistler local Starr Quinn placed 7th. By the Holy Saint Sophia do not, under money. Really, you might as well just stay second with a really solid run (switch fs/ts to Friday April 30, Slam held a competi- any circumstances, hesitate to spit. As I said home and practice spitting your tobacco. fakie, full speed gap to front lip), Ryan tion in the W49 Public Skatepark for most con- last issue, people who look down on spitting Thanks for reading!!! Sheckler third with solid tricks - does he ever secutive kickflips, no sketchy primo landings, proud men are “not fit for work.” come off? (kf front board), 4 Colt Cannon (360 with only 3 seconds between each. First prize flip up, to crooks down ledge, fs/nosegrind, kf was a weeklong trip to the Vans High Cascade manual to fs/bs), 5 Austen Seaholm (ns tp fs Snowboard/Skateboard camp in Oregon. The attempts down a ledge, ns to switch fs-5-0, second highest didn’t break 50, but Pitt combotricks), 6 Van local Chris Haslam (360 Meadows local, 15 yr old David Novotny, flip bs, kf varial fs/bs, nollie front foot flip, landed 75 kickflips in a row. Plan B style), 7 Van local Rick McCrank (krooks down a big rail, bs smith along flat bar, Upcoming: fs flip revert), 8 Dayne Brummet(fs 5-0 180 out The Bowl Series is taking over BC this sum- backlip on flat bar, switch front lip down rail), mer, so check out your local skate shops for 9 Carlos de Andrade (lots of pop and control, posters and event dates coming soon. The bs ollie 360 bigspin), 10 Tony Trujillo, 11 Paul Underattack Tour is coming your way this sum- Rodriguez , 12 Chad Fernandez (kf to 180 mer as well - check underworld.com for dates nosegrind, fs/ts fakie down 10 stair granite), 13 near you. Alex has opened an Underworld Daniel Vieira, 14 Van local Paul Machnau skatepark to go along with the shop, so check it (popshuv to fs nosegrind, fs nosebluntslide on out! In other East Coast news, the Southshore borrowed board after breaking his own), 15 of Mtl has a new park, and Mtl loc/occasional Clint Peterson. Canadian skaters represented Whistler loc, Mike Townsend is now in Vans, and lots of locals placed pretty well - 21 Ted Canada. Shouts! Skimmin’ season is here, so DeGros (switch 5-0 on ledge), 25 Jordan drop by the hoptshop, get a tidal chart and out McInnis, 31 Geoff Dermer (switch ns, shuvit and drop some rad coffins on us. out), 32 Aaron Johnson, 34 Moses Itkonen, 35 Kris Foley, 38 Trevor Houlihan, 44 Mike -D-Rock and Miss Kim with Jay Pay. Hastie, 49 Keegan Sauder, 51 Brett Stobbart, Email us at [email protected].

25 CleanClean AAirir ExhaustExhaust SystemSystem 1313 TurnTurn RRoadoad CCourseourse RReachingeaching 660+0+ kkm/hm/h HeadHead toto HHeadead RacingRacing WWithith UUpp TToo 1122 DDriversrivers $10$10 MondayMonday MadnessMadness GroupGroup RRatesates FForor PParties,arties, FFun,un, aandnd WWorkork

26 Puzzle Page Bring in the completed puzzle and win 2 fine Rock ‘n’ Roll CD’s! Nerveland Bring your completed puzzles in person:to The Nerve office weekdays between 12- 5pm or you can mail them to: Smut Ranch The Nerve Magazine 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, BC V6Z-1K9 Jessie James’s Boneanza Starring: Jessie James, Veronica, Lexxxy, Crossword Courtney Coxx, Gabriel Kane, Goldie -by Dan Scum Summers, Tess, Alex, Barry, Peter, Rock Allen, Michael Angelo. Across 1. Breast area ecause of the title of this little cinematic 6. Hot stripes? ditty, I was expecting to a good old-fash- Bioned western sex-off and, yeah, that’s 11. Sprint_____ pretty much you get. Actually, it was more of a 14. The Soprano’s place sex-a-thon as Jessie starts off by breaking in a 15. Type of acid new stud and then takes others for a ride… tak- 16. Uncensored ing it every which way she can. In the second scene, Jessie introduces one of her studs to a 17. 1/3 of Henry Miller’s new girl, a country girl and they fuck to some trilogy country square dance music. Jessie watches for 18. Romantic flowers a while and masturbates before getting in on a 19. Jackie O’s jo bit of the action. All the women in this film are 20. One of smokin’ hot. TONNES of threesome action with some wonderful double penetration and 21. _____the season bum hole sex. There is one threesome where 23. Toronto-Montreal toys are used and Jessie dons a strap-on. This Express film kinda drags near the end and the finale is 24. Until now just one-on-one action with Jessie just watching the action and jerkin’ it in the corner, again. In 25. Place where sex happens Down promise the finale, the guy cums in the girl’s ass and she usually slowly lets it dribble out. She then uses her 1. ______Fide 39. Lust, eg. 26. Supporter of 1 Across sphincter muscles to make here anus say “bye- 2. Sexually uninhibited 40. Goody two shoes actress 27. Mexi-PCP (abbr) bye” to the camera, which is, if anything, some- shit in this one. So, what could one expect to 3. Desirable Ryan 28. Serpent thing worth seeing. see in a film like this? You won’t get any story 4. Oral Roberts University 43. Inferior connecting the scenes together, or interesting 31. 1/6 of NWA 5. Top 44. The ______formerly Kink-O-Rama Vol. 17 dialog, or even any good looking actors… actu- 32. South Park surname Kink-O-Rama is a compilation of scenes of a ally, there is one and she looks like Erika 6. It’ll leave you breathless known... 33. 2nd Samiam LP circus freak-show nature, not to be confused Eleniak, remember, from Baywatch? But that’s 7. With feelings 45. Bon Jovi Drummer Tico 34. Of easiest virtue with the Ron Jeremy flick bearing the same about it. What you will see is a freak-show of 8. 5D’s perhaps 47. Last in Miller’s trilogy name. I went on the internet to find out a little abnormal proportions, and that proportion is 36. S/M 9. Anal douche 49. Servile about this film, and came up with practically BIG. For this film, bigger is better. In a later 41. Opts nothing. All I found were links to sites using scene there’s a guy with a 24-inch cock that 10. Olfactory organ 50. 12 step org. 42. Carmella’s real name the name “Foot-O-Rama,” and “Man-O-Rama.” gushes load after load of cum, completely cov- 11. “Like a ______” (madge) 52. Mimes 43. Fetish material To make things even more bizarre, I couldn’t ering a woman’s stomach and tits. There is a 12. Touch sensually 53. Young woman’s address 46. Nintendo Entertainment find this movie is a XXX shop that specializes scene where some dude sucks his own dick, and 13. One who is 5D and 49D 54. The Red in hard-to-find porn, but instead, I got it in a cums in his mouth. Uh, yeah, good job buddy. System 22. One of the components 55. Holy Man mainstream video store’s adult section. One You will also witness a couple of threesomes, 47. Fish hook feature would have thought that a series that made a toys, bondage, sodomy, hot lesbian action, her- of the psyche 56. Guitars 48. God of Love butt-load of films would have at least some- maphrodites, and, you guessed it, milk squirtin’ 25. Puts down 59. Artificial neurons 49. Francisco starter thing on it. None of the actors are even credit- tits. 26. Make wider 61. The great depression, eg. ed! Perhaps this is not a bad thing considering -Max Crown 50. Lou Gehrig’s disease 27. Eminem’s surname the low production value and straight up freaky 51. Opp. of Ave. 28. Spanking target 52. Type of lifestyle Last Issue’s Solution: 29. Shithead’s 53. Busty West trio 54. Emergency Medical 30. Dear ol’____ Assistance 31. 5D perhaps 57. What 49D might call 5D 32. Master Slave 58. _____ Quebecois Connection 60. Copier name 34. Livestock & 62. Chin or Guyan follower Meat 63. ______of the world Commission 64. Golden shower medium 35. Goddess of 65. Southpaw’s jabs (abbr) the dawn 66. 1/3 of sexy trilogy 37. Madge’s 67. 25A and more book 38. Groom’s

27 The new album Vol.3 (The Subliminal Verses) Produced by Rick Rubin

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