Original Party Girls By Christina Harlin, your Fearless Young Orphan Vamps (2012) Directed by Amy Heckerling

Alicia Silverstone and Krysten Ritter star in this extremely girly chick-flick about a pair of benevolent vampires living the party life in New York until one of them falls in love with a Van Helsing descendant, leading to trouble for the entire vampire subculture. I had quite low expectations for the film; it looked seriously stupid, like an episode of Sex and the City with the smut removed and the jokes all vampire-slated. And to be honest, some of it really is seriously stupid, but more often than not, it’s a rather warm-hearted story about friendship, and what it lacks in real comedy it makes up in sweetness. So is it a compliment to say that a movie is “not nearly as bad as I thought it would be”?

Silverstone is Goody, a woman who was turned in the late 19th Century for reasons that will be divulged later in the film – believe it or not, I’m not going to spoil because there is, in fact, the possibility of spoiling. Goody lived a long and lonely life and was about ready to give it all up when Stacy (Ritter) is turned in the late 1980s and they become friends. Now, twenty years later, they are roommates, making the best of their daylight-limited lifestyle. The pair of them never take human lives, living on rat’s blood. Stacy does her best to help Goody adjust to the modern hassles of computers, texting, and smart phones. Hey, if you think your mom or grandma has trouble with this stuff, just imagine how hard it is for someone born 150 years ago. Stacy and Goody also belong to a support group of other vampires who refuse to take lives, which includes such reformed vampires as Vlad the Impaler (Malcolm McDowell!) Ah, you can’t just impale people like in the good who provide valuable advice. old days. Their support group meetings are sort of a hoot.

In addition to a variety of night-jobs, both of them take college classes to fill their time. Goody admits she has over 10,000 credit hours accumulated. At one class, Stacy meets Joey, a handsome and elegant young man with whom she quickly falls in love. But as I said, Joey has some uncomfortable familiar connections. He is the great grandson of Dr. Van Helsing, and Joey’s own father (Wallace Shawn) continues the family business. Introducing Stacy to the family is awkward, to say the least.

Meanwhile, Goody bumps into an old flame Danny (Richard Lewis!) from the 1960s. Danny recognizes her and Goody must pretend that she is the daughter of the woman he loved. But she does have trouble staying away from him. For her, he was the real thing, and she would have kept him if not for her need to hide her agelessness. As romantic as that might sound, Danny’s subplot is odd – he is currently caring for his terminally ill wife, to whom he is devoted. I’m not sure it all works out quite like the movie thought; there is something so dark and serious about the matter that it disrupts the film’s goofball tone. It is almost impossible to figure cancer into goofball comedy.

There is trouble for the vampires of New York City. Government agencies seem to be closing in on them, especially in the form of the NSA, which wants to know The Blood Drinkers support group: it works if you work it. identities and addresses on everyone. And the police, too, are suspicious because some blood-drained bodies have been turning up. Someone’s trying to spoil it for everyone!

Goody and Stacy were both turned by the same vampire, Cisserus (Sigourney Weaver – lord, the stars in this film!). Cisserus is a clueless (that’s one for you, Amy and Alicia) diva who kills humans pretty randomly and leaves their bodies lying around, which endangers all the good vampires. Weaver is a kick in the role, having a lot of fun playing a crazy killer ditz. Her death would solve a lot of problems (again, no spoilers) but being an ancient vampire does give her too much power to be easily fooled, plus no one knows her resting place.

So that’s the set-up. The film is good-natured when it maintains its tone; the best parts are the times when it allows itself to get truly sentimental about friendship and family. Goody particularly is a character who can transform the film. Silverstone is quite sympathetic as a woman who has seen a lot happen in the last 150 years and misses the simplicity of the world as it used to be. Occasionally the movie will drift into her past and memories and the poignancy will surprise you, as will some fascinating footage of how landmarks might have changed through the years. Silverstone and Ritter are both actresses of great charm, unafraid of comedy and able to use their smashing good looks as more than just eye candy. Problems arise only when the movie fails to understand that it’s not being funny, that a joke has gone on too long, that some things are just too corny to be kitsch, and that some things are too serious to be funny.

As for Fangs, I have to admit that it’s a real vampire story, if a silly one. It treats vampirism as basically a disorder that can be overcome with friends and support, but it does get the details right. I wish it were funnier or sharper, and more consistent. I’m giving it a pretty generous 7/10 Fangs; it deserves 6.5 but I’m rounding up because the actresses are fun to be with.

I don’t envy anyone who tries to kill Ellen Ripley.