The Relationship between Gratitude and Conflict

Brenda Kelleher-Flight Ph.D. GDP Consulting Inc. www.gdpconsulting.ca

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Table of Contents

The Relationship between Gratitude and Conflict ...... 1

Introduction ...... 1

Guilt, Shame and Gratitude...... 1

Comparison and Guilt ...... 2

Signs of False and True Gratitude ...... 2

False gratitude ...... 2

True gratitude ...... 3

True Gratitude and Conflict ...... 3

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The Relationship between Gratitude and Conflict By Brenda Kelleher-Flight

Introduction

This article focuses on the importance of being grateful and how our perspectives can destroy our intent. In other words, sometimes we believe we are thinking clearly and positively when in reality we are not.

Our misperceptions can lead us in an unhealthy direction and set the stage for conflict in our lives rather than avoiding it.

Guilt, Shame and Gratitude

Many of us grew being reminded of less fortunate circumstances in the world around us.

I remember the story my friend told me. He told his daughter that she should eat her dinner because of all of the starving people in the world. She looked innocently at him and said, “Name three.”

Many of us are not as quick witted as this young child and rather than reacting to the use of guilt, we try to take the advice of others and be grateful for what we have.

Unfortunately, this is not true gratitude. It is forced. Someone made us feel guilty and used this guilt to make us feel gratitude.

In the work place, we do not want to be reminded or remind ourselves of someone’s firing or demotion or lack of luck to feel gratitude.

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Comparison and Guilt

Sometimes we compare ourselves to others to feel grateful. We think of the person who was passed over for the promotion, didn’t get the raise she wanted, or wasn’t offered the opportunity to take her vacation when she wanted it- then we feel grateful for our own situation.

Is this how we want to use others misfortunes? We do not want to compare ourselves to others in order to feel grateful for our circumstances because when we do we have to watch others and make sure we are doing better than they are doing.

That is not what we want. When we constantly compare ourselves to others we increase our chances of feeling angry or jealous. We can become hyper-vigilant and interpret circumstances incorrectly, inadvertently causing conflict.

Signs of False and True Gratitude

False gratitude

When we use images, information or judgements about others to feel better we are not truly grateful. We are using their unfortunate circumstances to feel better about our own situation. In the long run, we only feel better when we know someone else is worse off than we are. That cannot lead to permanent happiness.

It is not happiness because our thoughts go something like this:

• I hate my boss but at least she isn’t as bad as John’s boss. • I hate my work but it’s better than being unemployed. • I dislike the people I work with but I am grateful that at the end of the day I will have a pension. • I resent working with Susan and I’m grateful she’s gone on holidays for a month. • I don’t like working under strict guidelines but I’m grateful to have lots of work because I get bored easily.

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True gratitude

True gratitude is not fear based. It does not need to judge someone else’s circumstances or make a comparison with anyone. True gratitude is based on accepting what we have as best for us at this point in time. It can also be present when we obtain what we want or desire. It doesn’t matter what others want or need; we have our own desires and focus on them.

When we achieve something or something naturally happens to enable us to have what we want, we automatically feel grateful. It is a wonderful feeling because it does not cause us to be boastful or feel superior.

True Gratitude and Conflict

When we are thankful for what we have and focus on what we want, we are able to let others do the same without judgement. We avoid conflict because we do not need to see others’ grief or failures to feel better about our own circumstances. We gossip less, think positive thoughts and focus on our own growth. We contribute to the successes in our workplace and are free to celebrate others’ accomplishments.

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