The Misrecognised Child in Ourselves
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1 The misrecognised child in ourselves By Gaby Stroecken psychotherapist with a foreword by Rien Verdult psychologist-psychotherapist Translation by Christine Thirlway www.stroeckenverdult.be The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 1 2 THE MISRECOGNISED CHILD IN OURSELVES BY GABY STROECKEN Translator's note: the words `misrecognition' and `misrecognised' have been chosen to translate the Dutch words `miskenning' and `miskende'. The word misrecognised seems to be acquiring a specialised meaning in psychotherapy but its basic meaning is obvious to the lay person. This is why I have not used the words `misprized' and `misprisal': although they are a more exact translation of the Dutch they are no longer in general use. The original Dutch word, as used in this book, covers not only the failure to appreciate and respond appropriately to the child's needs and nature but also the negative effect of this on the child which means that the failure amounts to ill-treatment. `The misapprehended and maltreated child in ourselves' would be an alternative translation. Winnicott would call this child the unseen or unheard child. The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 2 3 THE MISRECOGNISED CHILD IN OURSELVES CONTENTS Acknowledgements Preface Introduction Part I. The true Child in ourselves Chapter 1. Attachment 1.1 Trust in development 1.2 The quality of the attachment relationship 1.3 The Child in ourselves Chapter 2. Birth is not the beginning 2.1 Conception 2.2 Prenatal attachment: the `good' womb 2.3 The `good' birth Chapter 3. Psychological birth 3.1 In the arms of its mother 3.2 Disengagement and letting go 3.3 Autonomy Part II. The misrecognised Child in ourselves Chapter 4. Disturbed early attachment 4.1 Misrecognition of the child before and after birth The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 3 4 4.2 Prenatal detachment 4.3 Birth and trauma 4.4 Lack of personal ground The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 4 5 Chapter 5. Insecurity and uncertainty 5.1 The vulnerable child 5.2 Aggravating circumstances 5.3 Consequences in later life Chapter 6. The true I and the false I 6.1 `Healthy' and `unhealthy' narcissism 6.2 Defence mechanisms 6.3 Impasse: depression and grandiosity Part III. Bringing up and being brought up Chapter 7. "Poisonous" pedagogy 7.1 The "poisonous" triad 7.2 Guidance as goal 7.3 Respect for parents Chapter 8. The misrecognised Child as Child-rearer 8.1 The repetition compulsion 8.2 From victim to perpetrator 8.3 Bringing up and being brought up Chapter 9. ` Knowing' is threatening 9.1 Why, because 9.2 The ban on `knowing' in upbringing and education 9.3 The suppression of `knowing' in society Chapter 10. social manifestations of `poisonous' pedagogy 10.1 Inward- turned destructiveness 10.2 Outward destructiveness 10.3 Camouflaged destructiveness The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 5 6 Part IV. The way out Chapter 11. `Knowing' means freedom 11.1 Attending to the symptoms 11.2 The healing process 11.3 Freedom Chapter 12. Mourning as an opportunity for healing 12.1 Loss and longings for the lost Self 12.2 Security in which to live through our experiences 12.3 Mourning as an active process of assimilation Chapter 13. Towards an antipedagogical psychotherapy 13.1 The therapy, the therapist and the relationship 13.2 The psychotherapist as advocate of the Child 13.3 Empathy with the true I Postface: A new society Literature The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 6 7 Acknowledgements I am grateful to all those who, in one way or another, whether or not they intended to, have accompanied me in my search for the Child in myself and for the misrecognised Child in my vicinity. I want to thank all my students over the past ten years, who, while engaged in their own struggles, have fed my resolve and thereby contributed to the birth of this book. I also want to thank all the clients who trusted me and allowed me to plead for their misrecognised Child. I am also glad to be able to thank all those who encouraged me to write this book and gave me their support. My thanks go too to all the authors whose books have deepened my understanding; I think particularly of Alice Miller, Jean Liedloff and Aletha Solter. Lastly, but in a very special way, I want to thank my partner Rien Verdult. Besides the practical and moral support he gave me he also made a very particular contribution to the elaboration, clarification and explanation of my initial idea. Perhaps his most important contribution lay in rendering the whole mass of material more easily digestible. Gaby Stroecken Leuven, Belgium, Summer 1994. The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 7 8 PREFACE The misrecognition of the Child in ourselves begins early in life. At conception, during the period spent in the womb, at birth and in the first years of life, the vulnerable child runs the risk of finding its natural expectations misinterpreted and disregarded. As children, in the womb or newly born, we are entirely dependent on our parents. Our natural desires lead us to expect that we will be received with love and attention, respected in our vulnerability and have our needs, including our affective needs, punctually met: we expect recognition. The reality of a `normal' upbringing is different. Rather than our own expectations,it is the expectations of our parents and of society that are the highest priority. At a very early age we already have to adapt, put off or alter our needs, conceal our true feelings. This alienation takes its toll: free contact with the true I is lost. Instead comes camouflage in the shape of the false I. We have to hide our grief over the loss of ourselves; it has no place and no attention is paid to it. The result is that, as adults, we carry round with us a misrecognised Child. In our moments of emotional difficulty the misrecognised Child speaks, the Child who was forced to keep silent in our childhood. The misrecognised Child lives within us; it looks for freedom, it wants to break through the wall of silence; it wants to discover the truth behind the facts of its childhood; it wants to cast off the yoke of the false I; it wants to realise itself according to its own capacities. The Child within us wants to live! In this book, the misrecognised Child in ourselves finds recognition and affirmation. Because its contents lay bare the roots of childhood misrecognition and because it demonstrates the destructive effect of "poisonous" pedagogy, it is a book which is at once confrontatory and supportive. It is confrontatory because it makes us feel what we missed in our childhood, the misapprehension and neglect we have undergone. It is supportive because the author takes a radical stand as champion and advocate of the Child in ourselves. The misrecognised Child in ourselves is not a book about our children or about bringing up children in the narrower sense. It is a book about ourselves, about the Child within us, about the consequences of our having been brought up, about liberation and self-realisation, about psychotherapy as an opportunity for healing. The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 8 9 The book is the result of a process of growth in the author herself, over many years, both as a person and as a psychotherapist. This can be felt in the text; the author is both incisive and gentle at one and the same time, a combination possible only because she is writing out of her own assimilated past. Rien Verdult Developmental psychologist and psychotherapist The unrecognised child in ourselves www.stroeckenverdult.be Gaby.Stroecken 9 10 Introduction During my stay on an old farm in Haspengouwe I found myself back in the atmosphere of my own childhood: it did my heart good. My first visit brought me to a new point of equilibrium: it was if parts of the puzzle of my past had fallen into place. Each part was now in its proper place and I had a sense of quiet. After years of absence it was good to be `home' again. Back to the roots. Although it was not literally my home, the atmosphere during my stay gave me a feeling of being at home, of `here I belong'. The process of disengagement, accomplished simply by staying away, had come to fruition. When, as an eighteen-year-old girl, I had left my birthplace - to return thereafter only for brief family visits - I had not been aware of wanting to get away. Now, more than forty years later, I am disengaged and able to feel my attachment to my roots. During my second stay the experience continued. Now I had the feeling: my book can come. Many people round me and others who have attended my courses know that this book has been on my programme for years. The desire to put down in writing what is alive in myself has long been with me. Why then did it take so long to materialise? In Haspengouwe, this suddenly became clear: not until now had I been sufficiently free to take on the role of advocate for the Child without myself feeling anxious. For this is what I want to do: I want to present a plea for the Child, in the name of the Child, of the Misrecognised Child to whom this book is dedicated.