Practices of Doing Motherhood in the First Six Months After Childbirth in Contemporary Dutch Society

‘I am becoming a mother’ –

Practices of doing motherhood in the first six months after childbirth in contemporary Dutch society

Madeleine Herzog [email protected] 10862234

Msc Thesis Cultural and Social Anthropology Supervisor: Dr. Trudie Gerrits Second Reader: Dr. Kristine Krause Third reader: Anja Hiddinga 21.06.2015 38.707 words

"Declaration: I have read and understood the University of Amsterdam plagiarism policy [published on http://www.student.uva.nl/fraude- plagiaat/voorkomen.cfm]. I declare that this assignment is entirely my own work, all sources have been properly acknowledged, and that I have not previously submitted this work, or any version of it, for assessment in any other paper."

Table of Content

Acknowledgements 1 Abstract 2

1. Introdcution 3 Context of this research 5

1.1. Theoretical background 9 New Kinship Studies 9 Doing Kinship 10 Feeling of relatedness 12

1.2. Methodology 12 Study Design 13 Selection of interlocutors 14 Reflection on my role as a researcher 15 Outline of the thesis 16

2. Becoming a mother: a rite de passage 18 Withdrawal and preparation for motherhood 22 Transition Phase 23 Re-integration into society 27

2.1. Becoming a mother: challenges and difficulties 29 Pain, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation 30 Baby Blues 32 Getting to know the baby & adapting to its needs 33 Work life 36 From being a couple to shared parenthood 38 Changes in relationships 40 Discussion 41

3. Practices of doing motherhood 43 Notions of kinship 46 Breastfeeding 48 Playing 54

Cuddling/ Washing 58 Discussion 62

4. Practices of doing motherhood: support 65

Grandmothers 70 Kraamzorg 77 Pre- and postnatal groups 81 Babysitters 84 Discussion 87

5.Conclusion 90

Acknowledgements

A great pleasure of finishing this piece of writing is to thank people who supported me and who made this thesis possible. First of all I want to thank all of my interlocutors for sharing their stories, for opening their homes and hearts for me and for making this research unforgettable. Trudie, I am very grateful for your support as my supervisor. In every situation you found the right words to keep me going, your criticism was always constructive and your advice more than helpful. I could not have had a better, more understanding and lovely supervisor who made me feel so comfortable during the whole process of researching and writing this thesis- heel erg bedankt! I also want to thank all the teachers who supported me on my way so far, I have learned a lot from each of you. Last but not least I want to thank my family and my lovely friends. Without you carrying out practices of doing family and doing friendship I would not be the person I am now and this thesis would have never been possible. Thank you!

Abstract

Van Gennep’s theory of rites des passage addresses childbirth as a major life-event which is ritually marked in order to facilitate the transition into the new life stage of parenthood. This research shows how Dutch, high-educated, first-time mothers experience the transition to motherhood and in what ways these new mothers carry out practices of doing motherhood – a term based on the New Kinship scholar’s understanding of socially constructed kinship – in order to facilitate the performing of the maternal role. A further focus is put on different kinds of support which is provided for Dutch mothers in the postpartum period beneficial to deal with this transition process.

This study was conducted from January till March 2015. The setting of this research is Amsterdam, the capital city of the Netherlands and Sommelsdijk, a small village on the Dutch island of Goeree-Overflakkee. The data presented here were collected through participant observation and in-depth interviews. I have carried out participant observation in baby playgroups, midwife practices and as a babysitter of a newborn. Furthermore I have conducted in-depth interviews with Dutch highly-educated, first- time mothers, a few significant people of their social surrounding, midwifes and kraamverzorgsters.

All interviewed new mothers reported difficulties in adapting to the new situation after the delivery of their infant. The research-objective of this study aims to show how the process of becoming a mother is intertwined with carrying out practices of doing motherhood and how these practices can establish and maintain the feeling of being related that again facilitates the transition process to motherhood. In this respect the praxeological concept of doing kinship plays a major role as a theoretical background. Three practices of doing motherhood are illustrated: breastfeeding, play time and washing of the baby. Further I give special attention to the support that is provided for new mothers in the Netherlands through grandmothers, the Dutch institutional care of kraamzorg, new parents groups and babysitters.

1. Introduction

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” -Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (Indian spiritual leader), 1931-1990-

Lisa1 and Johannes – parents to be - shared with me the touching experience of listening to their baby’s heartbeat for the first time. While it is a dark and windy January evening outside, the excited couple, me and the midwife sat together in the tenderly furnished consultation room for the regular check-up of the pregnancy. As part of the examination the midwife held the baby heartbeat monitor right onto the 12 weeks old mother’s belly. While the bulge of the baby bump was still invisible, the baby’s heart beat loud and clear. It beat so loud and clear that there was no space for any other sound in the room and silence appeared. This silence was filled with a love and energy I hardly ever witnessed before and which grew with every further heartbeat. Not only felt I emotions coming up in myself but even more I sensed Lisa’s and Johannes’ thoughts when I looked into their eyes. Lisa’s eyes were filled with tears and from the look on her face I assumed what she was feeling: motherly love, care and affection as well as worries concerning the new demands of motherhood. From my interpretation I saw a father’s pride in Johannes’ expression. For the first time I got an idea of what it means to become a parent. That becoming a parent is for many people a magical process which is filled with myriad emotions. This little magic appeared in every conversation and interaction I had during my three months of fieldwork and never got lost. It was like a little reminder to me why I was doing this research and kept my passion alive, the passion to learn more about the little magic of becoming a parent.

1 In terms of anonymity all names in this thesis are synonyms 3

I started the master’s program Cultural and Social Anthropology at the Universiteit van Amsterdam having a deep interest for the anthropology of family and kinship in my mind and in my heart. Living and researching in the Dutch culture made me curious to find out more on how pregnancy, delivery and becoming a parent is experienced in the Netherlands. Thanks to three months of fieldwork - on which outcome this thesis is built on - I discovered a whole landscape of Dutch characteristics in the postpartum period which are worth an anthropological examination. I am aware, that postpartum period is a biomedical term that is used for the first six weeks after the delivery of the infant (Hooman et al. 2014). My participants often referred to this stretch of time as “the first months” or “the time after the delivery”. However in the context of this research I will use this term to address the period of interest for this study: the first six months after the delivery of my participants’ babies.

High rates of home birth and de-medicalized deliveries in the Netherlands are frequently discussed as a ‘unique way of giving birth’ in Western societies among different disciplines. Yet postnatal experiences, perceptions and practices of Dutch new parents as well as postnatal care have mostly been neglected by anthropological researchers to date. My aim is to fill several of these gaps within this thesis.

Since the 1990s birth, reproduction and rituals linked to either have become one of the main elements of modern anthropological research on family and kinship (Levine 2008: 376)2. Interests of these studies are – amongst others - to understand how young mothers experience pregnancy, delivery and motherhood and how their experience is influenced by the culture they are living in (Fisher et al. 2006: 68).

Linked to that are the research objective and the research questions of this study which aim to understand how new, highly-educated, first-time mothers in the Netherlands experience the impact childbirth has on their life, what kind of practices are carried out in the postpartum period from mother to child, how this influences the perception of the relationship between mother and infant and by whom women are supported in their transition to motherhood.

The main theoretical concept of this study is based on the New Kinship Study’s approach of doing kinship and addresses the notion of socially constructed kinship

2 See also: Peletz 1995; Franklin 2013; Ginsburg and Rapp 1991 4

in daily interactions. I will argue that through carrying out practices of doing motherhood, a particular form of doing kinship, a feeling of relatedness is created and thus the process of becoming a mother is facilitated. I will elaborate on this further below.

Based on the insights I gained through participant observation and experiences which were shared by my informants I firstly expound how the delivery of their infant was perceived by the participants of this research and what kind of challenges and difficulties they encountered in the postpartum period. Subsequently I will give three examples of practices which were experienced by my interlocutors as contributing to the feeling of relatedness and which I therefore assume to be practices of doing motherhood. These generic practices are breastfeeding, playing with and cuddling/washing the baby. Eventually in the last ethnographic chapter I will address different supporters which provide help to new Dutch mothers in terms of dealing with their transition to motherhood and carrying out practices of doing motherhood. Grandmothers, kraamzorg, new parental groups and babysitters serve as examples to show how different kinds of support for new mothers can be carried out. In this introduction chapter I will first elaborate the context of this research, then introduce the main theoretical concept of doing kinship and afterwards go into further detail on the methods of this study.

Context of this research

Socioeconomic processes in the Netherlands – as in other Western societies - like industrialization, modernization and individualization have had a great influence on maternity and families. In this section I briefly summarize only the important developments of the last two centuries concerning the maternal role and the family in order to elaborate subsequently the current situation for mothers in the Netherlands.

Since the 1880ies there was a diminution of the family size. While around 1900 a woman had on average six children in the Netherlands, the rate of birth was 1,7 children per woman in 20133. Main reasons for this development amongst others were availability of higher education for women and them entering the labor market, a decrease in the importance of the church and its moral values and further an

3 http://www.indexmundi.com/netherlands/demographics_profile.html (08.06.2015 16:59) 5

increase in anticonception options as well as a better access to them. Furthermore a nuclearization of the family took place in the last century. Fewer and fewer extended family members or employees lived in the same household as the nuclear family and that brought a change in childrearing practices which still significantly influences the situation for contemporary Dutch parents. In smaller households the childrearing lies primarily in the responsibility of fewer people – mostly the parents - whereas the roles in bigger households may be differently distributed among several people (Brinkgreve and te Velde 2006: 98).

During the industrialization – which started in the Netherlands around 1900 - the different role allocation between women and men became more significant. Dutch women usually stayed at home to take care of household and children, while men went to work outside of the house - a development which could be observed in most European and American families (ibid: 105f.). Family and household were strongly connected with the female character, a character “knowing” how to deal with children and being caring, sensitive and emotional (ibid: 104). This still is an important notion which I came across during this research and what is also emphasized in Brinkgreves’s and te Velde’s book - women are in contemporary Dutch society still the primary care taker of the child. The current parental leave situation for new parents in the Netherlands goes back to this historical background. While a mother has in total 16 weeks of paid maternity leave before and after the delivery, only two days are due to the fathers. Beyond these 16 weeks/ 2 days of parental leave Dutch parents have the possibility to get 26 times their weekly working time free (ouderschapsverlof) to spend with their children. This ouderschapsverlof is usually not paid, depending on the employer though - as some organizations pay their employees when they are on ouderschapsverlof. In 2007 42% of the mothers and only 18% of the fathers exercised this opportunity4.

In general becoming a mother is not the only option for women in contemporary Dutch society. Rather according to Brinkgreve and te Velde women mostly have the possibility to choose for or against motherhood (ibid: 106). The informants of this research reported to have planned their motherhood consciously, at a point of time when their education – all of my participants were formal highly educated – had

4 https://www.uni-muenster.de/NiederlandeNet/nl-wissen/soziales/vertiefung/erwerb/zeit.html (08.06.2015 17:38) 6

(partly) paid off and when they felt safe in their relationship and social surrounding to become a mother. This makes motherhood to a self-chosen part of life. In the course of this thesis I will go into further detail where applicable and link social and cultural circumstances with the current situation of my informants.

The role of fathers however has become increasingly important in the last decades in the Netherlands (ibid: 107). The partners of my participants were strongly involved in childrearing, supported the new mothers in various ways and wanted to play a major role in the life of their children. I focus on new mothers in this thesis but want to emphasize that also new fathers undergo a transition, experience challenges and difficulties, carry out practices of doing fatherhood and are supported by various people.

As mentioned above, the unique birth culture in the Netherlands is a frequently discussed topic in research of different disciplines on pregnancy, delivery and parenthood. As Raymond de Vries states it, there is a “small anomaly in the world of modern medicine: maternity care in the Netherlands” (2003: 43). According to him, this anomaly consists of well-educated midwifes and GPs, policlinic settings in hospitals to provide high touch birth or a system for well-child visits and of a special organization of postpartum care, the kraamzorg (ibid: 44). In fact, one of the results of this anomaly of modern medicine is that the Netherlands have the highest home birth rate and the lowest Caesarean rate among Western countries (Gooding 2004: 18). According to the latest statistics, between 2011 and 2013 18,4% of all deliveries in the Netherlands were home births and only 9% of all deliveries were Caesareans5. This can be compared to a home birth rate of 2,3 % and a Caesarean rate of 22% (both 2013) in Great Britain6. This is also related to the Dutch referral system and health insurance in the Netherlands which supports home birth: From what my participants told me, regular check-ups during pregnancy were conducted solely by midwifes and the pregnant women were only referred to a gynecologist if complications occurred.

For Gooding the Dutch birth culture is based on emphasizing the normality in childbirth and the belief, that a birth should not be unnecessary medicalized (2004:

5 http://statline.cbs.nl/StatWeb/publication/?VW=T&DM=SLNL&PA=37302&D1=0-1,45-48&D2=0,5- l&HD=110413-1418&HDR=G1&STB=T (19.06.2015 10:24) 6 http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/characteristics-of-birth-2--england-and-wales/2012/sb- characteristics-of-birth-2.html (19.06.2015 10:30) 7

18). Therefore the Dutch system of prenatal and perinatal care has been discussed and examined in various disciplines. From the perspective of many scholars it should serve as a model for other Western countries, whereas others criticize the Dutch system for its de-medicalization7.

As mentioned by de Vries kraamzorg is an important part of the postpartum care in the Netherlands. The first time I heard about kraamzorg was when I sat together with my new Dutch friends, whom I met right after I had moved to Amsterdam. We were talking about the professions of our parents when one of my friends said that his mother was a kraamverzorgster to which I pricked up my ears. ‘Kraamverzorgster?’ I had never heard of that. Yet as Heidema states it, the kraamverzorgster is a “uniek nederlands beroep”, a unique Dutch profession (2012: 468). Within the first eight days after the delivery - the kraamweek as it is called in Dutch - every young family receives care and support through a kraamverzorgster who spends averaging 45-49 hours in the home of the new parents. The kraamzorg, financed through health insurance, undertakes various tasks and functions. Starting with medical care, guidance on breastfeeding and scrutiny of wound healing right through to practical help such as cooking for the family, taking care of older children or cleaning the house. The kraamverzorgster is for many families the first person to ask in the unfamiliar and stirring time of the postpartum week (Croon and van der Post 2013: 233). Ideally the kraamverzorgster facilitates the development of the relationship between the new parents and the baby by showing parenting skills of all kinds (Mill et al. 2012: 664). The participants of this research all named the kraamzorg as an important and supportive help in the first week postpartum. Yet it needs to be assumed that others may experience the kraamzorg different or in less positive ways8.

7 See e.g.: Schirm, E.; Tobi, H.; de Jong- van den Berg, L.T.W.: “Low use of medication in home deliveries in the Netherlands”. In: International Journal of Gynecology and Obstetrics, 2002, Vol. 79 (1), p.5-9. Van der Hulst, Leonie A.M.; Van Teijlingen, Edwin R.; Bonsel, Gouke J.; Ekses, Martine; Bleker, Otto P.:” Does a pregnant woman’s intended place of birth influence her attitude toward and occurrence of obstetric interventions?” In: Birth, March 2004, Vol. 31 (1), p.28-33. 8 The amount of time a kraamverzorgster spends in a family can be adjusted to their needs, however the kraamzorg cannot be completely rejected (Mill a.o. 2012: 666). Some parents may experience this as an unwanted intervention of the state in their private sphere. 8

1.2. Theoretical background

The notion of practices shaping our perception of family and kinship goes back to the New Kinship Studies (Carsten 2000). My aim is to show in the course of this thesis how practices of doing motherhood, a particular form of doing kinship, in relation to the child lead to the feeling of relatedness and help to overcome challenges in the process of bonding with the newborn child. The theory of doing kinship will serve as the underlying theoretical background.

New Kinship Studies

Research on kinship is one of the anthropological cornerstones and emerged in mid- 18th century. For a long time in this anthropological field, notions of kinship were characterized by structural-functionalist ideas. Structural-functionalist scholars put, as the name suggests, social structure and social functions of kinship in focus. In their perspective kinship systems fulfill several functions in societies and it is (kinship) structures which shape society as a whole (Carsten 2004: 11). Thus the importance of kinship systems for people emerges from their function in a particular society. Already in the 1960s David Schneider, among others, started to reconsider the anthropological view on kinship (Peletz 1995: 344f.). The most important outcome of Schneider’s work is the new understanding of kinship as a culturally specific system (Alber et al. 2010: 9). Schneider stated that the American/ European notion of family, based on biological ties, shaped the anthropological research on kinship. Furthermore he criticized the strict distinction between biological and social kinship, made by numerous anthropologists (Schneider 1984: 189).

With this critique, Schneider “supplied a theoretical background for New Kinship Studies” (Carsten 2004: 21). The branch of the New Kinship Studies which emerged in the 1990s goes back to Schneider’s critique on anthropological kinship research (Alber et.al.2010: 10) and denies neither biological nor social relations but aims to understand the ways in which kinship relations can be constructed (Carsten 2004: 152).

David Schneider’s work and the approach of the New Kinship Studies were commented and criticized by several scholars. Schneider’s assumption that the Western idea of kinship, based on procreation and biological ties, plays a secondary role in other cultures led to a new notion of kinship within the New Kinship Studies, 9

the constructionist notion (Shapiro 2008: 137). Shapiro contests that by giving examples of numerous non-Western cultures where the perception of kinship is grounded on genealogical ties and then expanded to other areas (Shapiro 2008: 140). By doing so he tries to show that “’real’ kin are usually defined by local notions of genetic connection”, both in Western and non-Western contexts (Shapiro 2008: 145). Further he reproaches the New Kinship scholars to distance from their own ethnographic material by underplaying the role of biological relatedness in terms of belittling the West (Shapiro 2008: 148). Also Georg Pfeffer and Roland Hardenberg criticize the unawareness of formal kin- recognition within the New Kinship Studies (Alber et.al. 2010: 12). So the critics see a misjudgment in the failure to recognize that the idea of kinship would not exist without notions of biological relations.

As my aim within this thesis is not to contest notions of kinship but to follow the approach of the New Kinship Studies by stating that kinship is based on the performance of practices, this critique towards the notion of doing kinship plays a minor role in my research. Nevertheless I will take my participant’s notion of being biologically related with their child into consideration and argue in what ways this might influence the perception of being each other’s kin.

After Schneider’s critique to the study of kinship, anthropologists at first tended to disregard this field. The focus shifted from family systems to gender or body research. Only in the last decades, kinship studies experienced a remarkable upswing again. Topics such as homosexuality, alternative kinship and new reproductive technologies are now of high interest within New Kinship studies (Carsten 2000: 3).

Doing Kinship

The core of the New Kinship Studies lies in the theory of doing kinship and the concepts of relatedness and belonging. Besides the mentioned biological and social relations, the legal situation has a further impact on notions of kinship (Carsten 2004: 152). Nature, nurture and law are the terms used by New Kinship scholars to describe practices of doing kinship (Alber et al. 2010: 11). Nature discusses the notion of biological relations between kin which is dominant in Western societies (ibid: 11). Yet Strathern argues that since late 20th century, due to new possibilities

which emerge from artificial reproduction technologies, the genetic relation between people can become assisted by technology and is thus socially constructed (1992: 195). Law addresses legal defaults concerning kinship in every society, which again can be understood as socially constructed - as legal defaults are linked to cultural and social notions of kinship (Carsten 2000: 9). Being the main addressed concept in New Kinship Studies, nurture needs further explanation. The term of nurture contains predominantly the sharing of food, time and experiences, in other words the level of taking care in a kinship relation. In addition, kinship constructing rituals can also be classified as part of nurturing (Alber et al. 2010: 11). I assume the concept of nurturing to be of great importance in terms of understanding how everyday practices from parents towards their children create the feeling of being related within the postpartum period.

The main statement of the doing kinship approach is, that kinship is created, carried out and negotiated in everyday practices. Talking about practices which construct kinship, it is crucial to mention the praxeological background of the doing kinship theory. The New Kinship Studies focus on the practice of kinship and are therefore located within praxeological approaches (Alber et al. 2010:11). Following Reckwitz’s argumentation, practice theory relates back to, among others, Bourdieu’s praxeological concept (Reckwitz 2002: 243). Also Hillebrandt states that Pierre Bourdieu’s work “Esquisse d’une théorie de la pratique, précédé de trois études d’ethnologie Kabyle“ provided a foundation for following praxeological research on kinship (2009: 372). Practice theory as a cultural theory focuses on the everyday life and sees practices as the “smallest unit of society” (Reckwitz 2009: 245). A practice is a “routinized type of behavior” (Reckwitz 2009: 250), which consists of numerous levels. So are routinized behaviors “routinized bodily behaviors”, a “set of mental activities” (Reckwitz 2009: 251) and “ways of understanding, knowing how, ways of wanting and feeling” (Reckwitz 2009: 253) to name but a few.

Taking a closer look at the practices highly-educated, first-time Dutch mothers perform in the postpartum period, helps to understand how kinship is created and carried out in this particular society. In my perspective these practices initiate the feeling of being related and point to my participants’ understanding of kinship. In respect to adapting this theoretical concept to the aim of this research, I will refer to the practices carried out by the new mothers as practices of doing motherhood, as

these practices initiate, establish and maintain a particular form of kinship – motherhood.

Feeling of Relatedness

As a consequence of the shift in anthropological kinship research, scholars of the New Kinship Studies rejected the term of genealogical grounded kinship and replaced it with the concepts of relatedness and belonging (Alber et al. 2010: 10). These terms make it obvious that kinship is always under construction. Feeling related is being related and therefore moves away from the notion that kinship is given (Carsten 2000: 4). Again practices of nature, nurture and law lead to the feeling of being related (ibid: 18).

In my research, all participants referred to themselves as being biologically and legally related with their child. Yet it will be shown how nurturing practices such as nourishing the baby or spending time together, were experienced as the most important doing kinship factors. The notion of taking care of a newborn led in different ways to a feeling of being related for the participants of this research.

1.3. Methodology

Many coincidences, obstacles, chances and pieces of luck shaped this thesis and so it is that this research is far more a result of serendipity, helping hands and co- thinkers than of my actual planning. This thesis is the result of all the small and big turns, setbacks and new ideas I encountered during planning and being in the field.

When I started the Cultural and Social Anthropology master’s program at the Universiteit van Amsterdam, my aim was to study surrogacy in the Netherlands. Fascinated by the theory that kinship is constructed, I wanted to study how surrogacy is perceived in the Netherlands. Due to the fact that surrogacy is not very prevalent in the Netherlands and that I was told that Dutch parents of a surrogate- child mostly feel over-researched as there are only a few, I decided to change my research focus. I started my fieldwork with the idea to study how postpartum depression influences practices of doing kinship. Initially I intended to – besides conducting interviews with postpartum depressed mothers - talk to some non- affected mothers to be able to compare their behavior of doing kinship with the practices postpartum depressed mothers carry out. At the end of my fieldwork

period I had spoken to a few postpartum depressed mothers, but I gained even more insights on how healthy new Dutch mothers experience the first six months postpartum. I was already considering, but needed a little hint and help from my supervisor to decide and write my thesis on practices of doing motherhood in the Netherlands. So this thesis focuses not on exceptions as surrogacy or postpartum depression but instead on what sounds to be so “normal” which is becoming a mother in the Netherlands.

Study design

The data I present in this thesis are based on qualitative research over a period of twelve weeks (January till March 2015) in Amsterdam, the capital city of the Netherlands, and Sommelsdijk, a small village on the island of Goeree-Overflakkee in Zuid-Holland. Data firstly was collected with the help of participant observation. During the twelve weeks of fieldwork I attended two baby playgroups in Amsterdam on a regular basis once a week. Further I was present at another baby playgroup four times during the fieldwork period. These playgroups were conceptualized for young parents - yet only mothers participated - with babies between 1-12 months age. The attendance varied from week to week but with an average of ten to sixteen young mothers per group meeting. My participant observation was shaped by participating in singing songs and playing baby games, taking part in conversations between the new mothers and observing practices between mothers and their infants.

Moreover I observed practices of the time before and after the delivery while I accompanied a midwife for three days in Sommelsdijk and with another midwife for four days in Amsterdam. During this period I followed the midwifes in their daily work, to their home check-ups and consultation hours. During three out of nine home visits which I have attended, I was also able to observe parts of the work a kraamverzorgster does in a family in the first week postpartum. A further fruitful participant observation I experienced in the process of the research was my work as a babysitter in a young family with a four month old baby. I went there two to three times a week and babysat always for three hours. This gave me the possibility to experience firsthand insights of a new mother as Liv, the mother of the baby I looked after, often stayed at home while I was there. I learned a lot not only about

taking care of a baby, but even more about what being responsible for a newborn feels like and where challenges and difficulties lurk.

Beyond participant observation I conducted in-depth interviews in the form of semi- structured interviews with eleven young mothers whose babies were between six weeks and six months old. Further I interviewed three partners of my participants, the fathers of their newborns, and one grandmother, the mother of one of my participants. All but one of these interviews were conducted in the homes of my informants, which gave me further insights on their family life at home. In addition five midwifes and six kraamverzorgsters were interviewed. All of my informants but two kraamverzorgsters and two midwifes who came from the island of Goeree- Overflakkee, lived in Amsterdam. In this thesis, the data I gained through interviews with postpartum depressed mothers is excluded and I am using only the material I received through the healthy new mothers I have talked to.

Selection of interlocutors

The playgroups and my main gate keeper, a midwife and former student of medical anthropology and social media were the starting points for the selection of my participants. From there on I used the snowball method to get in contact with young mothers, midwifes and kraamverzorgsters.

All new mothers I have interviewed were between 30 and 38 years old. They and their partners, as well as the grandmother I had spoken to had a high-education degree and still worked or had worked until their advanced pregnancy in an academic career. Further similarities between my informants are that they all lived in a heterosexual relationship and in one household with the father of their newborn. Putting a focus on high-educated mothers in this study was initially not intended. Yet in the course of the fieldwork only high-educated mothers replied to my research request. One explanation might be my own academic background and therefore the social surrounding I am in. Further I assume that highly educated mothers are more likely to attend baby playgroups that are held in another language than their mother tongue. The people of their social surrounding, which I reached through snowball method, consisted also mainly of high-educated people. In addition I experienced in the process of my fieldwork that people with high-formal education had a better understanding of anthropological research and therefore were

more willing to participate. Midwifes in the Netherlands also undergo a higher professional education whereas kraamzorg in the Netherlands is an apprenticeship education.

Reflection on my role as a researcher

In the Netherlands traditional notions of the woman being responsible for childrearing, household and family are still of high importance – in particular giving birth, the postpartum period and baby care is strongly connected with the female. I almost only spoke with female interlocutors. In this respect I experienced it as helpful to be a woman myself. I felt that the women I interviewed allowed me to be a part of their circle in a way they might not have allowed a man to take part.

Many times I was under the impression that my interlocutors viewed me not so much as a researcher but as a potential mother-to-be with whom they liked to share their experiences. In addition I assume that also my age had a big influence on the perception of me as a researcher. Although I am a couple of years younger than many of my interlocutors I experienced that they could identify with my life situation and me. Their own university degree was not too long ago and being 26 years old, I belong to the potential mother-to-be circle my interlocutors have also been part of before they became parents.

Being a woman I was able to observe breastfeeding practices, I was told about physical pain concerning the uterus or the vagina. My informants spoke with me about the way their body has changed, the losing or gaining of weight, stretch marks and how this changed their awareness of the self – all very sensitive topics - in a way they might have not done with a male researcher.

Nevertheless I am not a mother yet. I cannot comprehend all my participant’s experiences in a genuine way. On the one hand I experienced this as an advantage as the participants did not posit any knowledge on my side and thus gave me more detailed accounts. On the other hand though I also heard answers such as ‘It is indescribable, you have to experience it, only then you can know’. This hinted at the ineffability and the complexity of the experience of the transition to motherhood.

Another issue which influenced the insights that I gained from my research was the language in which I conducted my interviews in. As Amsterdam is an international

and cosmopolitan city it was easy to get along without speaking Dutch and the interviews I conducted in Amsterdam were mostly in English. Nevertheless I wanted and needed to learn Dutch as my participants on the island Goeree- Overflakkee were mostly not very familiar with English. I started learning Dutch two months before I went to Goeree-Overflakkee and by that time I was able to understand most of the conversations, but it was still difficult for me to create follow-up questions in interviews. While I transcribed the interviews I have accomplished in Dutch, I recognized that some information got lost because I either did not understand everything my informants were saying or I was not able to pick up the information and transfer it into further follow-up questions. Nonetheless I experienced the diversity of languages - I also conducted two interviews in my native language German with two mothers who have been raised bilingual in German and Dutch - as fruitful for my research. Using more than one language forced me to constantly find new words to explain my research interest and thereby helped me constantly to reflect on my study and the data.

As mentioned, I am from Germany and only moved to Amsterdam six months before I started the fieldwork. I experienced my German perspective as being helpful for this research. The German culture might be seen as being similar to the Dutch culture, yet especially birth and postpartum care is organized in very different ways. From my point of view the German culture in which I have been socialized in was on one hand distant enough to the Dutch culture I have researched to see practices which might be self-evident for someone being raised in the Netherlands. On the other hand the similarity between German and Dutch culture helped me to understand the language and behavior of my participants better. For me the distance between the culture I come from and the one I have researched was ideal, although I think that a longer period of living in the Netherlands would have been better to get a deeper understanding of the Dutch culture. My supervisor – coming from the Netherlands – often hinted to issues that I as an “outsider” had experienced different to her own insights of the Dutch culture.

What has been a limitation in terms of research on postpartum depression – the difficulty to find interlocutors with postpartum depression who wanted to share their experience – turned out to be an advantage for this research as I was able to gain insights on how new Dutch mothers experience their transition to motherhood and

what kind of practices of doing motherhood are carried out. Yet I encounter the change of my research-objective also as partly negative for the outcome as I could have gained more data on the topics I am discussing now if I had had this focus from the beginning of my fieldwork.

Outline of the thesis

In three ethnographic chapters I will elaborate in this thesis how Dutch new mothers experience and carry out their transition to motherhood. In the first ethnographic chapter “Becoming a mother: a rite de passage” I will show that childbirth is experienced as a major life event. According to van Gennep’s concept rite de passage this major life event is ritually marked to facilitate the transition process. Challenges and difficulties of the postpartum period can be seen as markers of this transition to motherhood and I will show in what ways different life spheres of my participants were affected by their new maternal role. Subsequently in the second ethnographic chapter “ Practices of doing motherhood” I focus on three practices – breastfeeding, playing with the baby and cuddling/ washing the baby - which are carried out by the new mothers towards their infant. These practices were named as contributing to the feeling of relatedness and I argue that this feeling of relatedness facilitates the transition to motherhood and the carrying out of the maternal role. In the last ethnographic chapter “Practices of doing motherhood: support” I will show how different people and networks provide support for new mothers in the Netherlands. I have chosen four different supporters – grandmothers, kraamzorg, new mothers groups and babysitter – to illustrate that different people and networks provide various kinds of supports for new mothers in the Netherlands.

2. Becoming a mother: a rite de passage

In the late morning, Stefanie, the midwife, and I were driving for a regular check-up visit to Martha, a 30 year old woman who delivered her son Levi two days ago in a birth center. Where the young family lived could be seen from far and wide. Their home in the new housing estate was decorated throughout with little blue flags and next to the front door stood a huge ‘muisjes verpakking’9 with Levi’s name on it. The decoration indicated what waited inside, the turbulent home of a very young family. We rang the bell and waited a while until someone opened the door by pressing the electric door opener. No one welcomed us as we entered so we took off our shoes and walked inside. From the living room I heard the TV sound and from the kitchen I could smell the scent of eggs and burnt toast. We heard a voice from upstairs calling us up to the parent’s bedroom. As we climbed the stairs the baby began to cry and the father of the infant, Dirk, greeted us at the top of the stairs. He wore his pyjamas and seemed somewhat dazed but also happy. With his mobile phone in his one hand and an agenda in his other hand, he then brought us to the bedroom where Marta awaited. As we entered the room, she started to cry and Stefanie mumbled ‘Ah the baby blues’. Marta tried to get up but then cradled her belly and her back in pain, it seemed that they did hurt too much and so she remained in her bed. Her breasts were packed in cold cataplasms which - as I know now- were to ease the pain she had from breastfeeding. Things for the baby were everywhere in the room and Stefanie and I did not know where to sit. While we waited for Dirk to bring two chairs, Marta began apologizing for the mess and that she had not prepared anything for our visit. Although I was very happy and excited to be around the house and these unfamiliar settings, I also felt like an uninvited guest intruding ones a young family’s privacy. Then the kraamverzorgster Ingrid came into the bedroom. Without hesitation she cleared up the windowsill and asked Stefanie and I to sit there. She explained that Marta had been a bit weepy since that morning, ‘de kraamtranen’ (Dutch for baby blues), she summarized the situation with one word. I felt how her expert knowledge and her humor filled the room. She reminded me of a grandmother with a nurse smock and spread the feeling that everything was easy and good. After she had caressed Marta’s cheek, calmed Levi

9 See page 4. The company who produces the muisjes offers to print the name of the baby on the packaging 18

and discussed the current weight and iron level of the baby with Stefanie, she left us alone with Marta to get everyone a piece of cake she had baked that morning.

Beschuit met muisjes („rusk with little mice“): a special treat in the Netherlands to celebrate the birth of a newborn. Beschuit met muisjes are served to visitors within the kraamweek (the week after the delivery of the baby). The round rusk is buttered and then topped with sugar-covered aniseed in different colors: pink-white for a girl and blue-white for a boy.10

Giving birth to a baby has far-reaching influences on almost every area of life for young mothers and the delivery of a newborn is in nearly all cultures perceived as one of the most important happenings within the life course (Kumar 1994: 250).

Within this chapter I will explain how first-time, highly-educated Dutch mothers experience the first months after the delivery of their infant. Based on van Gennep’s concept of rite de passage I will demonstrate how the new Dutch mothers of this research perform their transition to motherhood. Further I will elaborate how challenges and difficulties in the first months after childbirth can be seen as markers of this transition phase to motherhood. These challenges and difficulties contained

10 http://dutchfood.about.com/od/b/g/Beschuit-Met-Muisjes.htm (12.04.2015 13:10) 19

for the participants of this study changes in the body of the new mothers, difficulties in adapting to the rhythm of the baby, the work life of the women and changes in the relationship with significant people.

Clara, a 31 year old primary school teacher and mother of 5 month old son Christiaan, illustrates this phenomenon in our interview over a cup of coffee in her living room:

No matter how many prenatal courses you go to, how many books on delivery and motherhood you read, no one can prepare you for what is coming. Becoming a mother is new and exciting and frightening.

Clara had wanted to become a mother since her teenage days and when she discovered she was pregnant pure happiness and joy overcame her. Being very excited about the pregnancy she attended two prenatal courses, talked a lot to friends who were already mothers and read up much information in books. Despite all this preparation, she described a feeling of being lost after the delivery:

I thought the delivery would be the problem. If only! I only prepared and worried for the pain and everything but it is the time after the delivery for which you actually should prepare […] My head was empty, I had no thoughts or feelings anymore and I felt like I am in a vacuum without time and space.

Tilda, a 32 year old occupational therapist from Amsterdam, also made similar remarks about her experiences with the delivery of her own 4 month old baby Nienke. About the delivery inherently she told me:

You cannot imagine how it is. It is incredibly painful and it is incredibly heavy. It is a world change; yeah it is like you are going to die.

She described her feelings in the weeks after giving birth as being:

Like a jetlag. That is a good metaphor. I felt like I landed in a totally new world. I didn’t know my direction and where to go. And I also didn’t know the words to ask for something because they spoke another language. Yeah that is how I felt, like a big jetlag.

Nena, who has worked as a midwife for ten years by the time of our interview, confirmed what I was told in interviews and observed during the consultation- hour in the midwife practices. Pregnant women tend to focus on questions concerning the delivery itself, whereas they assumed the time after the childbirth to be ‘natural and easy going’. Questions which were asked by the future mothers in the consultation hour of the midwifes were mostly about medical advice concerning the pre- and perinatal period. Apparently the delivery seems to be more frightening than the postpartum time and many mothers-to-be underestimate the impact a delivery has on their whole life. Also Delmore-Ko et al. found similar results in their study on prenatal expectations and postnatal experiences. Although their research among new American parents revealed that a high extent of preparation for parenthood helps in adjusting to the new situation, the well-prepared participants of their examination also perceived the postpartum period as a crisis in their life given the new demands they were facing (2000: 626 f.).

Hofecker Fallahour et al. advance that from a psychologist point of view, the postpartum period is shaped by radical changes and profound adjustments (2005: 51). In order to deal with these developments, people tend to establish patterns and practices (Stern and Kruckman 1983: 1031). The “ritual marking” (ibid: 1033) used to mark major life events, of which giving birth is one example, is established in van Gennep’s anthropological concept of rite de passage.

Gennep’s approach categorizes different transitions in life (e.g. from childhood to adolescence) and linked behavioral patterns as rites de passage. These rites are supposed to help people cope with the transition and the new demands placed on the individual (van Gennep 2005[1909]: 115). Also during pregnancy and the birth of a child, there is a transitional period for both mothers and fathers (ibid: 43). The process of becoming a mother affects a woman’s body, her status in society, emotions and the way she identifies herself. In nearly all cultures the mother is seen as “the primary care giver” for a child (Cox 1996: 9).

Culture specific rites help to cope with changes which come along with the transition to motherhood (Raphael 1975: 65). According to Raphael the matrescent rite de passage consists of a set of practices (ibid: 67) and three phases of this matrescent rite de passage are identified: first the woman withdraws from her current status and prepares to move to the next status, second the woman has left her 21

old status but not entered her new one and third the re-integration phase in which the mother re-enters society in her new status (Neiterman 2012).

Withdrawal and preparation for motherhood

For all of my interviewees the preparation for motherhood started immediately after they found out that they were pregnant. Many reported the fear of losing their baby as being dominant in the first 12 to 16 weeks of pregnancy and therefore they did not want to tell too many people or start buying baby clothes. Indeed is the risk of a miscarriage the highest within the first three months after fertilization (Quenby 2002: 170). My informants reported that they knew about the risk of losing the fetus either through their midwifes or because they had friends who experienced a miscarriage in the first three months of the pregnancy. Despite the fact that the women I spoke to were all very careful about creating too much pleasant anticipation, all reported that they started dreaming about the baby and imagining how motherhood might be. And many reported that they increasingly started to notice other mothers and babies on the street and looked up information in online forums and books. After the first three critical months, the withdrawal from the current status was initiated by informing the social environment about the pregnancy. My interviewees reported this as being a very important step in the process of becoming a mother. As Alexandra, a 34 year old project manager in marketing told me:

As soon as I told everyone, I felt that this is really going to happen. Before that the pregnancy was more like a dream, a secret only I and my husband knew but then I shared my happiness with everyone. I loved telling people that I am pregnant and I was always curious how they will react.

The more advanced the pregnancy was, the more my interlocutors prepared for the birth. As a culturally specific phenomenon it can be stated that all the women who participated in this research also took part in prenatal courses to prepare for the delivery. In a culture in which deliveries and childrearing are not necessarily part of the daily life for women, prenatal preparation courses provide information and knowledge for pregnant women. Prenatal preparation courses started for them between the sixth and seventh month of pregnancy. Although there were a substantial number of these prenatal courses on offer in Amsterdam, my participants

reported that they needed to apply very early in their pregnancy to be given a place. This shows that the prenatal courses are a frequently used preparation option for Dutch pregnant women. I have made similar observations in Germany, where many of my friends who are already parents participated in prenatal courses to prepare for parenthood. These courses were usually designed for the pregnant women and to one to two meetings the partners were asked to accompany them.

Other steps like the furnishing of the baby room and buying of baby products can also be seen as a preparation for the new life stage. The young mothers I talked to found the selection and purchasing of baby accessories as a very important time during their pregnancy. My interviewees and their partners reported that spending time carefully choosing which products were the best for their helped them in having the feeling that they were already doing the best for their child. Jeska (31 years old and web designer) remembered:

On the one hand I enjoyed the pregnancy and was happy that I had time to prepare. On the other hand I couldn’t wait for the baby to come. So for me checking all the products we needed as a pastime. I was imagining how the baby will look like, what clothes will be cute for it and so. And then I got a little obsessed about the baby mattress. I just wanted to buy the right stuff, no bad additives and so. And I was really afraid of the sudden infant death. I thought if I choose the perfect mattress I am doing everything right.

Transition Phase

The transition phase into motherhood starts with the delivery (Neiterman 2012). As mentioned in the introduction, a lot of research has been conducted on the way of giving birth in the Netherlands. My aim now is to focus on the transition phase into motherhood which takes place after the delivery. In the Netherlands, the kraamweek, the first eight days after childbirth, can be understood as part of the rite de passage to cope with the new circumstances. The kraamweek contains rituals and practices to deal with the impact the arrival of a newborn has on the young family. Within the transition period of the kraamweek practices are established to relieve the new mother, assure her in her new maternal role and support her in carrying out practices of doing motherhood. This includes for instance the tradition of serving 23

beschuit met muisjes (see page 4) to all visitors in the kraamweek. Beschuit met muisjes were something that all of the participants of my research took for granted. I wanted to know why beschuit met muisjes were served in the kraamweek and some told me to have never thought about it and said “it is simply the case”. Others named two reasons: Firstly, beschuit met muisjes are very easy and quick to prepare so the new mother does not have to worry about what she serves her family members and friends who are visiting during the kraamweek. Secondly, the ‘muisjes’ are made of aniseed and they are traditionally believed to be beneficial in getting rid of evil spirits and also in stimulating lactation.

Of major importance is the support kraamverzorgsters provide for the young family. During the whole kraamweek kraamverzorgsters spend an average of 8 hours per day in the family and take special care of the new mother and the newborn. I have observed how a kraamverzorgster provides knowledge and support for new mothers during a postpartum check-up with the midwife:

… then Ingrid came back with the cake and the plates in her hand. I got the impression of a caring grandmother who stays on the sideline but organizes the whole family from there. Her constant smile and sanguine entity filled the room and Marta appreciated her help by saying ‘she is our good soul of the house now’. As I have never seen a newborn’s first bath before, Ingrid asked me if I want to be there and see how Levi gets his first bath today. This pleased me so greatly and filled me with warmth and confidence. I was asked to get a bucket from the kitchen and fill it with water which is between 37 and 38 degree Celsius warm. When I came back to the bedroom, Ingrid had already prepared the double bed by lining it up with many towels. Marta was too weak and in pain to get up and Ingrid decided to bath Levi right next to his mother so that she could see everything. First Ingrid asked Marta to squeeze a bit of her breastmilk into the bathing water, as she explained this is the best soap for newborn and also helps to reduce sore points on the baby’s skin. Then she asked me to put Levi into the water and hold him under his arms. He immediately started to cry. While Marta and I were listening, Ingrid told us that it is important that the baby’s feet touch the edge of the bucket. As she said, in this way the newborns do not feel lost in the water and do remember the feeling of being in the uterus and as I held Levi’s feet against the edge of the bucket he stopped crying…

The experience of working with young mothers and newborn babies as well as the practical knowledge and skills are major benefits of the kraamverzorgster from the perspective of my informants. They appreciated that the kraamverzorgsters conveyed comfort and encouraged them in dealing with the baby as well as in gaining more self- confidence in their own abilities as a mother. After the delivery my participants found themselves in a completely new situation and many experienced a feeling of being lost. As mentioned above, giving birth to a baby changes many spheres of life. Yet first and foremost practical things concerning the baby need to be learned. All my interlocutors felt that shortly after the delivery questions arose on how to dress their newborn, how to carry a baby or how to give them a bath. In all these matters the kraamverzorgster turned out to be a very useful helping hand as they combined the practical knowledge with a caring, understanding nature. Another advantage which was named in the interviews is the amount of time the kraamverzorgster spends in each family. Knowing that the kraamverzorgster stays for eight days and that they have quite a bit time to learn how to deal with the basic demands, gave the new mothers assurance and confidence that they needed to be able to adapt to the needs of their baby.

Further support is provided through the kraamverzorgsters by integrating the new father as well as the siblings of the newborn into the routines of the baby. This can help to provide relief for the young mothers who often believe that they are the only ones who are responsible for the nursling. Malika (34; translator) told me:

It was good that she also showed Isaac [her husband] how to do stuff. In the first days I thought ‘I am the mother, I have to do everything’. But the fathers can also do a lot and I was happy she showed us how.

Not only are the fathers and siblings of the newborn integrated into dealing with the baby but the kraamverzorgsters also take care of them – for example by bringing older children to school or preparing packed lunch for the fathers - so that the new mothers can concentrate on themselves and her newborn. Further help provided by the kraamverzorgsters in bigger and smaller domestic tasks allows the mothers to get rest in the kraamweek. The new mothers I have talked to, appreciated the help which was provided through the kraamzorg. As mentioned in the introduction, this Tilda shared with me her feelings from the first hours after she has returned home from the hospital with her newborn daughter Nienke:

And then in the morning she came. She knocked on our door and when I opened she asked us, if we had breakfast. ‘Breakfast?’ I said. I did not even know what time it was or how to cut bread. I did not even know if I should be hungry or anything so I was very thankful someone came to take care of us.

Susanne, 38, another interlocutor of mine who I met with her six month old son Daan in one of the playgroups emphasized the role her kraamverzorgster played in the first week postpartum and how she took care of Susanne:

Pina, my kraamverzorgster, she is a schatje (Dutch for “treasure”). She told our visitors to leave when I was too exhausted. And she would always pick up the phone so that I could stay in bed. Even more she not even allowed me to get up at all. She did everything for me.

Every new mother I have talked to felt well supported by the kraamverzorgster, and that all the basic needs that they had were being met. The interviews also revealed how the kraamzorg can be aligned to each family’s needs and is therefore very individual. My 33 year old interlocutor Nanda, who formerly worked as a surgeon and is now on paid maternal leave, is mother of her son Samuel who was born 3 months before our interview. She liked to think back to her kraamverzorgster and told me:

First of all she showed me how to put a diaper on. Believe me or not but I have never done this before. And then we did all these little daily things. Cutting Samuel’s nails for the first time and she said that I have to check his temperature every day in the first week. Also she taught me all the good night songs I still sing to him […]. What was also important, she showed me how to handle the baby sling. First that was a disaster but after we have done it a couple of times together it worked out well.

In contrast to this, Linda (31) who is mother of a 3 month old girl called Mia, had already had experiences in dealing with newborns as she is a children’s nurse. She was more thankful how her kraamverzorgster Pauline dealt with visitors and the household:

So she told me there is this rule that no visitor is allowed to stay longer than 45 minutes. At the beginning I thought ‘Oh my god, this is so short’. What did I know! I loved that people came over to see us but after 30 minutes my body and mind felt tired. So I was very thankful that she already told everyone beforehand that they should

leave after 45 minutes.[…]. And when I slept for a while and came back to the kitchen or living room everything was nice and clean and comfy.

What can be seen here is that the very practical help which is provided by the kraamverzorgster serves the purpose of giving the new mother time and space to find her own way of mothering in the first week postpartum. The fact that the kraamverzorgsters overtake numerous tasks in the kraamweek, depending on what the young mothers need the most, assures that there is less pressure on the new mothers to take care of everything. The kraamweek constitutes a short transition phase for young mothers in which they can learn, practice and prepare with the help of the kraamverzorgster for the upcoming time with the newborn. I will come back to the support kraamverzorgsters provide in chapter 4.

Re-integration into society

The third stage of the maternal rite de passage is the re-integration of the new mother into the society. In Western cultures this incorporation is usually carried out individually and gradually (Davis-Floyd 2003: 42). The participants of this research named different steps as important in the process of their reintegration into society as the transferred self as a mother. Firstly, leaving the house for the first time after the delivery was a decisive experience for my participants. Malika told me in this regard:

It took me two or three weeks until I left the house with Manuel. Before that I was too afraid, I didn’t know if I was ready to go outside. At home I felt safe at home but not outside. Slowly I started to do the groceries again or just went for a walk.

Similar experiences were shared by many of the new mothers I have talked to. Nanda, whose son Samuel was 5 month old by the time of our interview, reported:

Before the delivery I thought I could do everything with my baby right after the delivery. But know when I see mothers who are in the supermarket with a newborn who is only a couple of days old I wonder how they manage this. I think I started doing the stuff I used to do only after three weeks after the delivery or. And then only the basic things like shopping or so. Before that even going to the doctor was sometimes too much for me. I wanted to stay at home and take my time to get used to being a mother. But it did good to me when I went back to normal. I felt that I had everything under control again and I had also missed to do all that normal stuff. You know people say

‘You are not ill you are only pregnant’ but after the delivery it took me a while to go back to normal.

As these quotes show is the re-integration into society often linked to going back to what the new mothers experienced as being normal. In the first weeks after the delivery the new mothers are in an exceptional state, they stayed most of the time at home, many people came to visit the newborn and its mother – thus the daily cycle of the women who just had delivered is likely to be confound.

This exceptional state ended for the mothers who went back to work after the paid maternal leave with their re-entering of the work life. Joanna, who started working again as a psychologist six weeks after the delivery of her daughter Yule, told me:

On my first day back at work I had mixed feelings. I missed my daughter. In the morning, I didn’t want to leave the house. But back in the practice I felt like my old self again. Of course I was a mother now but being at work reminded me that I am more than that. Now I enjoy going to work a lot. Yule is in good hands with the babysitter and I enjoy the time I have with her in the evening and on my day offs a lot.

From my perspective the re-integration into society for the new mothers of this research was strongly connected to carrying out practices they used to do before the delivery. Doing groceries, going for a walk with the baby, going on holiday for the first time with the baby and often most important, going back to work was named as steps of the re- integration into society. This shows that this was not a linear process but happened partly parallel to the transition process after the delivery.

2.1. Becoming a mother: challenges and difficulties

You cannot be prepared for becoming a parent, no matter how many courses you attend or how many books you read. Becoming a mother takes time and you have to grow into it. It is a wonderful process and I do not want to miss anything but to be honest, I would never have expected the time and patience and nerves it takes. Not to forget the many downs you face. First of all you have to accept the new situation, then you have to get to know your baby…you know, I never thought about that before […]. In fact you become a different person. Being pregnant is already a big change, but then you are a mother. All of a sudden you belong to a different club. Probably the hardest was to accept what has been happening to me. I thought I could never give up control over my body and myself, but I had to.

(Anne, 32 project manager web design; son Gustav 5 months)

Within the postpartum transition phase many new mothers encounter unexpected difficulties in adapting to their new role as a parent. As exemplified in the previous section, this is due to the fact that giving birth is typically experienced as a major life event affecting almost every area of one’s life. Many new mothers encounter challenges and difficulties in adapting to the new situation. These challenges and difficulties emerge in different contexts and life spheres of the young mothers. My aim in this section is to focus on the transition phase of the maternal rite de passage, and explain how experienced difficulties and challenges in Dutch context can be seen as markers of this transition into motherhood. Furthermore I will elaborate on how the transition to motherhood might effects different levels of identity and influences social interaction for the new mothers in the Netherlands

According to Mercer’s concept of Becoming a Mother (2004), the transition to motherhood is an ongoing process in which the carrying out of motherly behavior is always under construction. This construction of the maternal role takes place in everyday practices. The first six months after childbirth contain particular potential for challenges and difficulties in adapting to the new tasks as a mother. During this period the woman must learn maternal behavior whilst adapting her self-concept to the new circumstances. All of the women I interviewed were first time mothers, and as such they tended to struggle more with the changes occurring in the postpartum transition period than second time mothers.

Pain, Breastfeeding and Sleep Deprivation

Within this section I will demonstrate how the body awareness of new mothers may change during the postpartum transition phase into motherhood and how this can be experienced as problematic. Primarily all of my interlocutors reported feeling pain after the delivery. Tilda told me during our second interview:

I underestimated that the whole body is in pain. The back, the belly, the vagina, the breasts and sometimes I had these heavy headaches.

What Tilda described is also what Janne, a 45 year old kraamverzorgster, observed in her day to day work:

I think no one tells the mothers in how much pain they will be, still after the delivery. And if you tell them before, they don’t want to listen but actually it only begins after the birth.

Again, this correlates with what Janne’s colleague Pauline told me in a separate interview:

I hear so many women say ‘When my breasts started giving milk- that did hurt more than the delivery.

For the women I spoke with breastfeeding was a very important aspect of the postpartum period. All but one of my interlocutors reported difficulties in breastfeeding, especially in the early phase after the delivery. Most of the women I talked to named various difficulties concerning breastfeeding. Some of these difficulties were related to the mother’s lactation or inflamed breast nipples, others suffered from exhaustion or poor milk production after a Caesarean. For many mothers breastfeeding was painful and disappointing at the beginning. Their prenatal expectations concerning breastfeeding collided with the postnatal reality as Clara describes:

I always pictured myself as being a breastfeeding mother- no doubts! I had this romantic unity of mother and child in my head and I liked the idea that my child is nourished through my milk. But then, after the delivery, I had to breastfeed or pump every hour. I felt like I was doing nothing else. And I thought ‘Where is all this joy people find in breastfeeding?’ only now, after all that time [5 months after the delivery] I can start to enjoy it.

Tilda also reported her feelings of being solely responsible for the nourishment of Nienke as being burdensome. For her it was the physical aspect of breastfeeding that posed problems:

That I was the only one who could feed her was not easy for me. Every night I had to get up three to four times. But after a while we started to pump and so he [Nienke’s father] also could feed her […]. And she [Nienke], it was so exhausting, she took all my energy and all my kilos.

So the repercussions of the pregnancy and delivery as well as breastfeeding were described as causing physical pain. This was a theme which was frequently discussed in the playgroups, where mothers talked about which baby sling and carrying techniques were best to avoid the pain. Mothers whose babies tended to only fall asleep when they were carried around were in need of facilitating techniques as there back was mostly heavily loaded. I myself also experienced back pain which resulted from carrying the newborn for many hours each day while I was babysitting. After my first four hours of babysitting, I got a better understanding of what mothers in the groups were talking about. As I was carrying Luise, a four month old baby girl who I was looking after. At the end of each day I felt physically exhausted from carrying her around and a heavy back pain and aching muscles around my hips. Subsequently I started doing exercises to stabilize my torso and back as the mothers in the playgroup had recommended. Although these exercises helped a lot, I still experienced the stress on the back. I can only imagine how this is exponentiated for mothers and fathers as they have to do it every day and most nights.

Another area of the challenges and difficulties during the postpartum period is sleep deprivation. This can be debilitating for the body and mind and new mothers reported that on an average of two to four times a night they had to get up because their infant was crying. As all of them breastfed, the mothers were the ones who mostly overtook the nightly taking care of the baby although some fathers contributed when the mother had bottled breastmilk beforehand. Most of my interviewees reported difficulties in going back to sleep after breastfeeding or carrying the baby around and many said knowing that they have to get up in two to three hours again to comfort the baby was a big frustration. Malika, whose son Manuel (5 months) had an unsteady day-night rhythm, told me that she was:

[…] feeling drained. We tried to establish all these rituals and timetables but he just wakes up and sleeps whenever he wants. And sometimes he just sleeps for 16 hours. Then I wake up because my breast hurt, because they have too much milk. Or I wake up because I worry if he is still alive when he sleeps so long. So I get up and check his breath and everything and again I cannot sleep.

These postpartum experiences can be contrasted to what the women had expected before the delivery. Although violent pain during childbirth was anticipated, they did not expect the pain to last for months after the delivery. Further the new mothers I talked to assumed that breastfeeding was a ‘natural process’. Differences in prenatal anticipations and postnatal experiences might be affiliated to the fact that the women I have talked to had only little contact with other parents until their own pregnancy and delivery. The data I have collected shows that the new mothers I have talked to were in a social environment in which the contact between childless friends and parents-to-be or respectively new parents is reduced. The themes of pregnancy and childbirth were not very present in the daily life of my interlocutors until they were affected themselves. As a result of living together in small units, nuclear families, and also because of less childbirth within families, delivery and the postpartum period are mostly not integrated in the daily lives of people as long as they are not parents themselves (Brinkgreve and te Velde 2006: 108). These circumstances might lead to differences between prenatal anticipation and postnatal reality. Moreover living in small units of nuclear families also influences requirements on parents after childbirth. The postpartum period was experienced as exhausting and draining as the demands of raising the newborn were primarily shared by the mother and father. So rearing a child in the society I have researched is mostly not carried out by a group but only by the parents and this is reflected in the accounts of my participants. This again leads to higher demands on the mother and father.

Baby Blues

Usually on the third or fourth day after childbirth three out of four women are affected by the baby blues. The baby blues is described as a melancholic mood that typically lasts for two to three days. Symptoms of the baby blues are crying for no apparent reason, impatience and irritability as well as sadness, fatigue and anxiety (Wiley 2013: 719). To different degrees all mothers I spoke to experienced the baby blues.

Clara, a primary school teacher, suffered from heavy baby blues right after the delivery of her son Christiaan. She remembered crying all the time in response to being happy or sad. Further she feared that the people around her might think, she was a bad mother. While she told me about it, her impression became thoughtful:

You know, I already forgot about it but now that you ask me, it comes to my mind. I knew it was not about the baby, I was so happy with him. But I could cry for everything…one day for example I cried because my mother stayed 15 minutes longer than I expected. Something small became so big. But I knew it would be over soon… so I just waited. And every morning when the kraamverzorgster came I cried again. Because I was happy she was there and I knew she would help me.

My interlocutors reported feeling sad or anxious for various reasons. To mention only a few, some named minor difficulties during the birth as a trigger, others reported a feeling of being stressed by too many visitors and not enough sleep. Others said they were just overwhelmed in general by everything that happened in the days after the delivery. My participants reported that the baby blues did not have a major influence on the transition process after the delivery, as it only lasted for most of them for two to three days and they were well supported by their kraamverzorgsters. Nevertheless the baby blues can be understood to be a reaction to the changes which are faced in the maternal transition period.

Getting to know the baby

On top of aforementioned challenges my interlocutors also reported difficulties in getting to know the baby and adapting to its schedule was experienced as being challenging. Nathalie and Janne, two of the kraamverzorgster I talked to, gave examples of how the schedule of the baby may vary from day to day and therefore how young mothers need to be flexible:

I know so many women who love to plan and they try to plan everything. But a baby’s day can’t be scheduled. One day the baby wakes up at 9 and the other day at 11. There is nothing you can do about but accepting it. The more you try to plan the worse it is.

Also Janne told me:

I see it very often that mamas find it hard to let go the control of their day. They are used to decide when they want to get up, have breakfast, do the laundry, meet 33

friends…and then I am very sorry for them when I see that they struggle with this. I also like to plan ahead…but I have learned that a baby has its own concept of time.

What is described here by the kraamverzorgster’s point of view is portrayed by Joanna, who is now 36 and works as a psychologist in Amsterdam. I had an interview with her at 8 o’clock in the evening. Shortly after I arrived, Joanna and her husband Peer brought Yule (6 months) to bed. Through the baby phone, which stood in the living room where we had our interview, I could listen to their good night ritual. Yule was unsettled and very sleepy at the same time. She cried and whined until Joanna breastfed her and in the meanwhile Peer sang good night songs to calm her down. Soon after the breastfeeding, Yule fell asleep and Joanna came back telling me that Peer also stayed in bed to rest a bit:

Actually I would do the same if we would not have the interview (laughter). What we learned after the first months is to go to bed whenever Yule sleeps and we feel like. No matter if it is 11 in the morning, 3 in the afternoon or 7 in the evening. The trick is to just go to bed whenever you are tired and use every minute of sleep you can get (laughter). You know she [Yule] arranges everything. Whether or not you feel like it or whether or not you feel like it. When she sleeps that makes the moment that you do anything you have to. But sometimes you also want to do nothing or relaxing or reading a book. Because this is also what you only can do then.

The fact that they had less free time since the baby was born bothered many of the new mothers I talked to. My interlocutors told me that they were used to tight schedules, many of them had worked in ambitious careers with high responsibilities, but the difference now was that they had to subordinate themselves to the rhythm and needs of their baby.

Two of my interlocutor described the ending of their pregnancy as another reason why getting to know the baby was difficult. With the delivery - they told me - the infant does not only “belong” anymore to its mother but is physically separated and therefore its own human being. Nanda remembered that her reluctance concerning this lasted for more than two weeks:

I missed my pregnant belly, I missed that he was always with me. I don’t know but I missed having him always close to me. Sometimes I was jealous that I had to share him now with others and I mourned that the pregnancy was over. 34

In addition to that, Jeska told me how surprised she was to find out that her daughter Leonie (2 months) already had her own unique characteristics:

I thought she is just half me and half Floriaan. I thought when I know myself, I do also know her (laughter). But Leonie is not a Mini-Me. She has a mind of her own. At the beginning Leonie was the unknown being. We met her and we didn’t have an idea what kind of person she was.

Also Tilda shared with me her experiences of how she got to know her six months old daughter Nienke from day to day:

And it is also, I think that was a challenge in the beginning, you don’t know her. I mean of course it is your baby, because you have born her but you don’t know her and what kind of human being she is. Of course she is a newborn, but she is her own person. That is a thing that I enjoy every day more and more. Because now we know her way better than in the beginning. Now we know what she likes, what she doesn’t like. You have more contact with her because she smiles more. You know her rhythm of sleeping, eating; yeah you just know her better. What kind of person she is. You know now, that she likes to sleep, she doesn’t like that much sound, yeah. In the beginning you don’t now. That makes you very tired. And now you are more used to situations and you now know your child. That is something I didn’t expect. That this is a new human being that you have to get to know.

I myself also experienced difficulties resulting from not knowing the baby when I looked after Luise (4 months). During the first time I was alone with her, we were playing together and she seemed to be happy and content. Shortly afterwards though she started to cry and I could not find a way to calm her. None of the options suggested by the parents to comfort her, neither the pacifier nor carrying her around, signing songs or changing her diaper could help. I felt helpless. Scruples came to my mind. Was I a good babysitter? Will I ever be able to take good care of her? Am I too stupid to understand why she is crying? These doubts may resemble a new mother’s experience. All my interlocutors spoke to me about a range of ambiguities about being a good mother.

Moreover the fragility of the newborn was named by the young mothers as one of the major sources for doubts and anxieties. Many of the women I spoke to expressed a fear that any minor mistake could have a severe consequence for their newborn. Generally

decisions that would normally be made using common sense became hard to make as they placed higher demands in themselves.

Some of the kraamverzorgsters named a high-educated background of new mothers as posing further conflicts as they are tendentially used to work in autonomous positions where they have responsibility and control. I will elaborate this aspect further in the following chapter.

As showed previous in this section, the notion of being genetically related to the baby is important for my informants. Although the new mothers assumed that their baby is similar in its wishes, feelings and needs because of their biological relatedness, they still had to find out that the newborns had unique personalities that must be learned.

Work life

Another major sphere of life which is affected by becoming a mother is the professional life. All participants of my research worked before and during the pregnancy, mostly in jobs that require a high level of education. By the end of the pregnancy two of my interlocutors quit their jobs and the rest left their company temporarily for the paid maternal leave. As the burdens of the pregnancy but also the pleasant anticipations increased, the women had been looking forward to their maternity security leave. By the time of our interviews, a couple of months after the deliveries, the working situations of the eleven young mothers had changed. Five of the eleven mothers had already gone back to work, two others participated in advanced trainings to reorient in their careers and four mothers stayed at home. The described difficulties with regard to the work life varied from mother to mother. Joanna, who went back to work part-time as a psychiatrist, mentioned breastfeeding as a major challenge. As she solely breastfed, she had to pump her milk numerous times during the day so that the babysitter could feed Yule while she is not at home. Joanna regretted that she could not be with her daughter Yule while she was at work. She feared that she would miss big parts of her daughter’s development while she away during the day, but on the other side she was very proud that she managed to go back to work so soon and got a lot of self-assurance out of that.

In contrast to Joanna’s situation, Alexandra told me that she did not yet feel ready to get back to work. Her son Constantijn was diagnosed by the pediatrist with health issues and therefore Alexandra did not want to let other people take care of him. Only two

weeks before we met for the interview, Constantijn’s state of health improved and Alexandra told me she slowly started to think about going back to work:

I really liked what I did, I liked the company and I liked the colleagues.[…]. I was a project manager and responsible for the whole team. I liked that I met a lot of interesting people whereas now I am mostly alone at home with Constantijn. Sometimes I am sad when I see on Facebook that my team has dinner or so and I am not with them. And I earned my own money and now I feel like I am not allowed to buy anything because now it is Patrick’s [her husband] money.

At the time of the interviews both working and non-working mothers reported difficulties in their self-perception. Working was for many of my interlocutors a source of self-identification and self-assurance. The mothers who went back to work often reported difficulties in giving their infant to someone else to look after. On the contrary stay-at-home mothers described the feeling of having lost a part of their self- determination and missed the daily exchange with colleagues. Another important issue for the (temporarily) stay-at-home mothers was that they had to deal with the feeling of being financially dependent on their partner. Large and expensive purchases such as a stroller, a cradle or a baby seat needed to be made. The women I interviewed were used to earning their own money and now had to (partly) rely on the money their partner made. As an example Susanne felt ashamed of using her partner’s money for her own interests, she had quit her job as an accountant during the last third of her pregnancy and lived after the delivery from the income of her partner:

I am a vegetarian and try to eat very healthy, bio food. I know it is more expensive but I think it is worth it especially now with the breastfeeding and so. And then, I don’t know, now I feel bad when I buy expensive food because I don’t pay it with my own money. I already don’t buy clothes and stuff like I used to do. We need all the money for the baby stuff. But good food is so important.

To understand the context of my interlocutor’s experiences concerning their work life it is important to consider the legal situation of paid maternal leave in the Netherlands. 16 weeks in total, 6 weeks before and 10 weeks after the delivery can the women stay at home on paid maternal leave, zwangerschapsverlof in Dutch. During this period they are paid their full income and protection from dismissal subsists. After these 16 weeks of zwangerschapsverlof parents can apply for ouderschapsverlof. Ouderschapsverlof

needs to be approved by the employer grants the parents, parents are allowed to stay 26 times their weekly working time at home. During this period they are not paid and are unprotected from dismissal. This can be contrasted for example to the legal situation in Germany, where the paid maternal leave is the same as in the Netherlands. After the paid maternal leave though the claim for Elternzeit - comparable with the Dutch ouderschapsverlof - may not be refused. During the Elternzeit, parents are paid for maximum 14 months with minimum 67% of their former income. Employment protection subsists further for three years after the delivery in Germany11. This comparison illustrates the difficulty that many Dutch women face after delivery. As employment protection only lasts for 10 weeks after delivery, many women have to go back to work by then. As my interlocutors reported, going back to work was not experienced as a problem in general but many of them wished to have the possibility to stay a few weeks longer at home in order to adapt to the new situation and organize the new life circumstances.

Several of my interviewees dealt with this problem by quitting their jobs before childbirth. In these cases, they experienced the financial dependency from their partners as well as the lack of time outside of the family as burdensome.

From being a couple to shared parenthood

Further changes which occur in the postpartum period have an impact on the relations the new mother has with her partner, the father of the newborn. The transition from being a childless woman to motherhood goes simultaneously along with the transition from being a couple to shared parenthood (Katz-Wise et al. 2010: 18). As it is already hinted in the previous section, this transition might also contain new perceptions of dependency within the relationship, not only limited to financial dependency issues. The new fathers I spoke to reported feelings of exclusion from the intimate relationship between mother and child. For Robert, Tilda’s partner, this feeling occurred already during the delivery:

I had to accept and learn that Tilda is going through big pain and there is nothing I can do. I checked her breath and hold her hand but I felt very helpless. […]. And when

11 https://www.uni-muenster.de/NiederlandeNet/nl-wissen/soziales/vertiefung/erwerb/zeit.html (13.05.2015; 14:22); http://www.europarl.europa.eu/RegData/etudes/STUD/2015/509999/IPOL_STU%282015%29509999_E N.pdf (13.05.2015; 14:30) 38

Nienke came I thought ‘This was her work, not mine’ I had not really anything to do with that. And sometimes I still feel so because she spends so much time with her and everything.

Tilda in contrast had a different point of view concerning Robert’s input and reported how important his help was for her:

With all the difficulties, it binds together. I can’t make it without Robert. I am so happy when he comes home from work in the evening. I know that he helps me a lot and I am happy to see him how he acts as a father now.

Although most of the new mothers reported that their partner was a big help in the pre- and also postnatal period, many told me that their feeling of themselves being mainly responsible for the nursling had an impact on the relationship. The evening I met Claire for the interview, her partner had just left the house for a run. She told me that she was often frustrated by that as Claire herself used to do a lot of sports before she became pregnant and now she was missing that. Although she went jogging with the stroller three times a week, she feels that she is limited in her sport activities. In contrast to her husband who can do sports whenever he wants, she needed to schedule the feeding and sleeping times of her baby. She described how she feels about that by saying:

I am feeling jealous of him. And then I get angry and mad. You know, I don’t want that but when he comes home after the run or so I am angry with him.

A further effect on the relationship, which was not brought up in my research - as I did not discuss it in the interview questions - but revealed in other studies on the transition to parenthood, concerned a decrease in sexual activities of the new parents leading to frustration on both sides (see Alexander and Higgins 1993; Olsson et al. 2010).

The relationship between the parents needs to be renegotiated after the arrival of a child. There are numerous reasons why the mothers are usually the primary care taker for the baby. These reasons include breastfeeding - which can only be carried out by the mother - and the legal situation concerning the paternal paid leave after the delivery. In the Netherlands new fathers are allowed to stay at home in the postpartum period for two days. This can only be extended through paid holidays12. As a result an imbalance

12 https://www.uni-muenster.de/NiederlandeNet/nl-wissen/soziales/vertiefung/erwerb/zeit.html (13.05.2015 15:27) 39

between the new parents might occur and the readjustment of tasks can be experienced as being challenging and difficult for both parents.

Changes in relationships

Beyond the potential difficulties in the process of becoming a mother which concern the relationship with her partner, further relationships are as well affected. Without any exception all new mothers reported that the relationship with parents, siblings and in- laws improved since the delivery of the baby and I will discuss this change in the relationship with close family members in chapter 4 whereas I focus in this section on changes in relationships with friends.

In stark contrast to the positive developments within the family, relationships with friends carried the highest risk of disappointments and feelings of being left behind. What was reported by many of my interlocutors is that friends who were not parents yet showed little understanding for the new situation. Alexandra experienced that most of her childless friends secluded themselves after she had given birth. She explains this by mentioning:

They can’t understand why I sometimes do not call them although we had a skype-date. But I am so tired in the evening. And then they say ‘But babies always sleep so you must have plenty of time for yourself’. They just don’t understand how much hard work it is. And I am also not the right person anymore to talk about their stuff. They have different interests. Some of my old friends still searching for Mr. Right while I have my first baby. But that also makes me sad- I miss them.

Similar experiences were shared by Malika:

Ja it is noticeable that I can’t go to a bar until three or four o’clock in the morning. I liked to party but now I use every second of sleep I can get (laughter) while my friends still go out every weekend.

The withdrawal of old friends is mostly experienced as hurtful. The isolation felt by new mothers contributes to the difficulties they may have in accepting their new role. While it is reported that contact with friends who are not parents yet decreases, the connection with other (new) parents increases. So becoming a mother leads to a change in the social environment instead of a downturn as I have observed in this research. In this context Alexandra told me: 40

Well then I started looking for friends who are also parents. You have more in common and you share the same interests. They are not annoyed when I start talking about the advantages of formula milk (laughter).

As already indicated in the section on pain, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation the contact between new parents and their childless friends may decrease. As reported by my interlocutors this is mostly due to a change in interests of new parents. The focus is now mainly placed on the baby leading to an increase in interaction with other family members.

Discussion

Childbirth is mostly experienced as a major life event. According to van Gennep’s approach of rite de passage these major life events need to be ritually marked. Within this chapter the focus has been put on the transition phase to motherhood. I argued that the Dutch kraamweek is an essential part of this transition phase. During the kraamweek and also beyond that, the adjustments that must be made to the new circumstances may cause challenges and difficulties for the new mothers.

Overall these changes, challenges and potential difficulties are located in different life spheres of the new mothers. Physical issues such as pain, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation have been discussed, as well as challenges in getting to know the baby and adapting to its schedule. Moreover the work life of the new mothers was affected as they had to decide whether they want to go back to work after 16 weeks of paid maternity leave. If they decided to go back to work, the new mothers feared to miss out important time with their child. Mothers who stayed at home struggled with a lack of social contacts with colleagues and changes in the financial situation of the family. In addition, relations with the social surrounding of the new mothers were affected by the transition to motherhood. It has been shown that childless friends were less likely to be involved in the daily life of the new mothers whereas extended family members and friends who are also parents tended to become more important. The new mothers of this research experienced this ambiguous as they enjoyed the new contacts with others mothers and simultaneously missed the connection with their old friends.

In conclusion it can be said that the difference between prenatal expectations and postnatal reality – the difficulty of preparing for motherhood - was experienced as the main challenging factor. This is partly reducible to the fact that pregnancy, deliveries 41

and childrearing were not topics of the everyday life of the participants before they themselves became pregnant. This is due to a nuclearization of the family in the Netherlands and my participants’ social surrounding in which deliveries and childrearing did not play a major role. Further the main attention of my informants during pregnancy was put on the delivery and not on the time after childbirth.

Nevertheless, according to Johnson, most young mothers focus more on the joy and satisfactions they achieved with a newborn although feelings of frustration and difficulties are frequently expressed (2007: 175). My aim in the following chapter is to emphasize the role of practices of doing kinship - doing motherhood in particular. These practices assist new Dutch mothers not only in adapting to the new situation but also facilitate the transition to the new role and all the changes in the self-perception which come along with that.

3. Practices of doing motherhood in the first six month postpartum

It was the first evening I was alone with Luise. Her parents went out for a birthday dinner of a friend and therefore I was solely responsible for getting Luise off to bed. By then she was not used to being without her parents and so it was an unfamiliar situation for all of us. Many times I have often been there when Luise was brought to bed and I knew to what kind of good-night routine she was used to. However I was worried that she might cry a lot because she missed her parents or that I would forget important parts of her evening routine. After I have put her in her baby-chair, so that I can begin to prepare the potato-pumpkin puree for her dinner. While the puree is heating up in the sterilisator for baby food, I bound a bib around Luise’s neck. Luise was excited about her meal and when the puree was ready she could not wait any longer and promptly dipped her baby spoon into the bowl. It made me really happy to see that Luise was relaxed although her parents were not there and that she ate her whole portion. Luise and me had a lot of fun while I was feeding her and at the end not only my clothes but also her face was full of puree. Luise’s mother asked me to bath her that night so the mess didn’t matter. The bathing was a little bit more complicated than the feeding. I had to hold her with my own arm and wash her gently with the other arm. During her bath she was kicking a lot and I had to take care that her head stayed afloat. This was challenging. After giving her the bath, I dressed her in her pyjamas and laid her down on her baby bedroll. Luckily I had already prepared the milk bottle which she gets before she goes to sleep and so I could go directly with her to the sleeping room. At this point she was also already quite tired from bathing. I had her in my arm as I closed the shutters and said ‘Good night lovely birds in the trees, good night dear garden- see you all tomorrow again’ as I knew that this is what her mother does every night with her. Then I sat down in the dark of the sleeping room, gave her her bottle of milk and sang good night songs to her. Shortly after Luise had finished the bottle she started to cry and I did not know why. So I started moving around the room, continued singing the good night songs. I then stroked her back for a while until she fell asleep on my arms. I could hear her soft breathing and felt how her body got heavier. Deep feelings of love and affection overcame me. I was touched and happy that Luise trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms. And with every further time I babysat her, these feelings grow and Luise became more and more important to me.

As presented in the introduction, the branch of the new Kinship Studies was a result of David Schneider’s critique towards kinship studies in Anthropology. Schneider argued in the 1980s that the anthropological research on kinship so far has been based on the Western notion of biological relatedness. Following Schneider’s argument scholars of the New Kinship Studies have shown that in many cultures relatedness can also be defined by other determinants than biological relations (see e.g. Carsten 1995; Weismantel 1995; Hutchinson 2000).

The concepts of doing kinship and feeling of relatedness have been established to emphasize that kinship is always under construction and not naturally given. Also for Western societies research with a main focus on assisted reproduction technologies has shown that - although the notion of biological relatedness is still a dominant frame of reference - the social construction of kinship plays a significant role in the understanding of kinship (see e.g. Howell 2009; Levine 2008; Knecht et al. 2011). In the context of this chapter I will modify and adjust the concept of doing kinship to the particular form of doing motherhood. Originating from the notion that kinship is constructed in daily interacting it can be deduced that motherhood specifically needs to be performed. Through carrying out practices of doing motherhood a feeling of relatedness from mother to infant is established and maintained. My informants often used the term “bonding” to describe this feeling of relatedness. In my understanding bonding can proceed in all interactions between people and it becomes to doing kinship, respectively doing motherhood, when the acting person is perceived or refers to herself as kin or in particular the mother.

Coming back to the three levels of doing kinship - nature, nurture and law - as discussed in the introduction, my aim in this section is to show the importance of nurture for the participants of this research during their transition phase after the delivery of their child. My own experiences as a babysitter – as described in the beginning of this chapter - show that the feeling of relatedness can emerge through interaction and practices and contribute to the point that feeling related with the baby is not necessarily linked with biological relatedness. My aim now is to emphasize the daily construction of motherhood in relation with the feeling of relatedness which occurs through carrying out practices. In the course of the time – when practices of doing motherhood are carried out regularly - they not only become more routinized but the feeling of relatedness may also increase and therefore facilitate the performance of the maternal

role. Alexandra whose son Constantijn was 4 months by the time of our interview was very open with me and shared her experience:

At the beginning it [motherhood] wasn’t something I could enjoy. Everything was too new. Only since two months or so I am beginning to enjoy it.

In the course of this chapter my aim is to emphasize the daily construction of motherhood on the basis of three different practices of doing motherhood – breastfeeding/nourishment, playing with the baby and cuddling/bathing rituals. These practices have functions in addressing biological and developmental needs – in the perspective of my informants - and I assume them further to be part of doing motherhood. In this context it is important to add that the selection of practices of doing motherhood which is presented below does not claim to be complete. Rather, I call upon what my interlocutors named to be significant in bonding with their child and the ranking is more or less owed to chance, as all practices were named to be of high importance for the bonding with the child during different phases. Further I want to emphasize that the process of becoming a mother – in which practices of doing motherhood are a significant part - does not end after the postpartum period. It is rather an ongoing process in which practices of doing motherhood are constantly negotiated and carried out. Thus becoming a mother as well as feeling related is always under construction (Mercer 2004).

Parts of the practices of doing motherhood were named by my informants as being ‘natural’ whereas other parts needed to be learned. These notions of either ‘knowing’ or ‘heaving to learn’ different behaviors are to be found in Bourdieu’s theoretical concept of habitus. Habitus is the physical embodiment of the culture people were raised or are living in. Further the term addresses cultural practices of a social group, such as common schemes of thinking, perceiving or classifying their environment (Bourdieu 1977). In Dutch context the maternal role is not per se ‘naturally known’. This is mostly due to the nuclearization of the family as exemplified in the introduction. As Ibrahim et al. state it “in the course of modernization people are witnessing the breakdown of the traditional extended family into nuclear families” (2011: 270). Intertwined with this process was among others a declining birth-rate and a diminution of households in the Netherlands (Brinkgreve and te Velde 2006: 103). As childrearing was not part of the daily life of the participants of this research, maternal tasks were less likely to be learned through socialization but through active acquiring of information. Nevertheless 45

– as mentioned – parts of the practices of doing motherhood were perceived as being ‘natural’ and I will come back to that in the course of the chapter.

Notions of kinship

In narratives my interviewees often referred to the impact the birth of their child had on them. These narratives were formulated in a way that gave me the impression that they had been told quite often. Stories about childbirth may become an iterative narrative with which the child is integrated in chronicles of the family. The kinship constructing power of family narratives has been discussed by various scholars (see e.g. Carsten 2007; Finkler 2001; Mohr 2015). These narratives hint to how the new mothers perceive and interpret their relatedness with the child. In relation to this Linda, 31, shared the story of her daughter’s (3 months) delivery with me:

Piet [her husband] called our midwife in the early evening. She was so relaxed about everything. She said ‘It is your first child, I can have dinner and come to you in two hours. It will take a long while until something happens’. ‘Can have dinner!’ (laughter). Do you believe that? So we waited and waited and when she came, she checked my cervix and said again ‘It will take a long time, I will go back home and come tomorrow morning’. I couldn’t believe it. I had all this excitement and already pain and she left for a good sleep (laughter). But at the end she was right and Brenda [her daughter] only came the next night.[…]. But at the end time was short, when the heavy labor began we still were at home, but I wanted to go to the birthing center and so the midwife put me in her car and drove as fast as she could. She crossed a red light because we really had to hurry up (laughter). When we arrived in the hospital, everything happened so quickly. I was brought to the room and heard the staff discuss how to prepare everything for the delivery, but I felt that Brenda would come now. I wanted to ask for some pain medication, but it was too late and within six heavy contradictions Brenda was born.[…]. I remember my emotions. I had born my own child. I was so proud of myself and of her that we both had made that.

Also Tilda emphasized the emotions she connected with the delivery:

If we wouldn’t have the photos I would not remember how the room looked in which I gave birth. With all the trouble and so, it is hard to remember all the details from that day. And also it was such a long day, I was in labor for 25 hours. But what I really remember is the pain (laughter). Tho’ I have to say I think I already forgot how bad it 46

really was (laughter). But the emotions are indescribable, so intense. I have never felt such intense emotions before, I think. I was all aflutter and happy and amazed and also worried at the same time. Before you give birth, you don’t know what to expect and all is a bit abstract. Now that I have born my own daughter, I know what that means. Right after she came out they gave her to me and I held her. I felt so connected with her. Such a strong connection with my baby and again and again I am amazed that we [she and her partner] “made” her. We made her and now she is here.

Linda’s and Tilda’s memories on the experiences of the delivery emphasize their notion on the biological relatedness between them and their child. Similar narratives have also been told by other participants of this research. During this research the new mothers debated if and how their babies looked or behaved similar to them or their partners. Alexandra told me in this regard:

Constantijn has my hair I guess. When I was a baby I also had the blonde hair he has now and also his blue eyes look just like mine. And he is just a clown like his father. Always making people smile- he is a little clown I always say.

From my research and the examples given above it can be said that from the perception of my interlocutors the origin of the motherly love they felt for their child laid in the genetic relatedness as well as in the resemblance they felt they shared with their child. This emphasizes the notion of biological relatedness. As Becker et al. state it resemblance talk, dialogues in which the physical resemblance between child and parents is discussed, is one way to express the notion of biological relatedness and the “natural order of things”. Resemblance talk can be a significant frame of reference for new parents to locate their infant in the family structure (2005: 1301). The insights of my informants need to be interpreted in respect to this – a way to express the notion of biological relatedness. Further named was the experience of giving birth to their child to explain the love and affection my informants felt towards their infants. Yet the new mothers reported to have encountered difficulties in dealing with the baby in the postpartum period which could not (only) be solved by their biological relatedness with the child.

As introduced in the first chapter assumed many of the women I have talked to that it will be easy and ‘natural’ to deal with their child because of their genetic relationship. For many new mothers though, a couple of days after birth the moment arose when they

recognized that being a mother is not as instinctive as expected. One of the mothers, Jeska told me:

On the fourth or fifth day after the delivery- I don’t really remember it exactly- it was just after the kraamverzorgster went home in the evening, I stood in front of the baby bed and I did not know at all what to do. My head was full of thoughts and the fear to make mistakes. […]. I did not really know how I liked being a mother, how I liked having a baby and so. I tried to think ‘Jeska, how do you like being a mother? How do you feel about it?’ But I couldn’t, my head was empty, I guess.

Jeska discussed insecurity in her maternal role and also in her motherly feelings. Clara whose son Christiaan was 5 months shared further insights by saying:

I love him because he is my baby of course. But I also had to learn to love him the way I do now. During pregnancy and short after delivery I was overwhelmed. I wanted to protect him and had the fear that something happens to him. But the more time we spend together, the more I understand him and the more I love him for who he is.

These reports of my interlocutors show that the two perceptions of doing kinship, nature and nurture –sharing time, rituals and food- both play a big role for them in creating a feeling of relatedness with their baby. Here do notions of biological relatedness and social relatedness not exclude but complement each other.

Breastfeeding

Nearly all participants of this research experienced breastfeeding and the nourishment of the infant as a topic with very high relevance. So was the feeding of the baby not only discussed in all meetings with the playgroups but also often brought up during the postpartum check-ups to which I accompanied two midwifes. I could also observe the relevance of breastfeeding and nourishment in the daily mother-child interaction whilst babysitting. Luise’s mother and I often discussed what kind of problems she encountered concerning the feeding of Luise and told me that breastfeeding and the transition to solid food were the topics she worried the most about. In addition the issue of nourishment was brought up in all of the interviews. This shows that breastfeeding has been experienced as being challenging and difficult in particular in the early postpartum period, yet it was also named as a major bonding practice by my interlocutors.

Research on practices of doing kinship in different cultures has revealed how influential the nourishment of others can contribute to the notion of being each other’s kin. So was Janet Carsten able to show how for Malays on the island of Pulau Langkawi sharing substances -food, blood (which is believed to emerge from food) and milk- is a vital component in the “long process of becoming a complete person, kin” (Carsten 1995: 223). And as Carsten further states “it is through living and consuming together in houses that people become kin” (ibid: 224). In Malay culture the level of nurturing is the basis for creating the feeling of relatedness. This is similar to the findings that are presented in Hutchinson’s study on concepts of relatedness among the Nuer people in southern Sudan. The Nuer people believe that food is not only essential for human life but also for creating relations with kin. Milk as it is seen as “the perfect food- the food that can support human life unassisted”, is given a special attention and this notion is also manifested in the idea that “ideally, ‘relatives’ […] celebrate their ‘oneness of blood’ through the constant sharing of ‘food’” (Hutchinson 2000: 59).

Anthropological research has also addressed milk siblingship in some Islamic cultures. Still for many Muslim families milk siblingship is of high importance and the relatedness of milk siblingship occurs when a child drinks milk from a mother other than the one it is biologically related to. This relatedness includes for example the prohibition for children who received milk from the same woman to marry each other later in order to avoid incest (Parkers 2005). Again the notion that shared food, in particular milk, can create relatedness is dominant.

In the cultural context of the current study, Western cultures still place high moral and social claims to the importance of breastfeeding. As Murphy (1999) exposed in her study among new mothers in the United Kingdom, the decision to breastfeeding or give formula milk is strongly intertwined with notions on being a good or a bad mother. However, according to Murphy, psychological and biomedical studies revealed undeniably various psychological and physiological benefits which result from breastfeeding. Children who were breastfed are less likely to suffer from asthma, childhood cancer and numerous other diseases. The notion is attached which address breastfeeding as a major attribute to being a good mother is culturally constructed. So are qualities such as “selflessness, wisdom, responsibility and far-sightedness” in the UK attributed to breastfeeding mothers and that is what “makes” them good mothers. The aim of feeding the baby with the perfect food is often a major part of showing to

want the best for the baby. Hence high values of being a good mother are attributed to the proper nourishment of the baby (Murphy 1999: 188).

I also observed similarities to the findings of this study in the playgroups I attended. So was the period that the babies were solely breastfed a frame of reference for many of the new mothers. In general I could observe that mothers who breastfed their baby shorter than the average tended to justify their decision, although this decision was mostly not self-chosen but due to poor lactation or because the baby did not want to drink the mother’s milk anymore. In this context one of the mothers in the playgroup asked the other mothers in regard to another motive to stop breastfeeding:

Do you think it will harm him [her son] that I had to stop breastfeeding so early? You know, I actually planned to breastfeed until he is at least a year but now I had to stop after three months because it costs me so much energy. I lost a lot of weight and I could not nourish him anymore. I really tried my best. Went to see many doctors but they all recommended me to stop breastfeeding. Now I am still worrying if this was the right decision.

In some other cases going back to work made it hard or nearly impossible for the new mothers to continue breastfeeding. The value of many new mothers in Western societies - also in the Netherlands - to want to do most of the childrearing themselves made it difficult for them to combine going back to work and breastfeeding. A system such as the Islamic milk siblingship for instance is not part of the Dutch culture and therefore the mother is the only one who can breastfeed her baby. In contrast to what has been described above, mothers who breastfed longer than the average were mostly proud of that and other mothers expressed their acknowledgments concerning the long duration of breastfeeding. Most mothers in the playgroups recommended to their peers to hold off as long as possible before transitioning their baby to solid foods in order to give their babies the best of their mother’s milk for as long as possible. Collectively it was assumed to begin this process too late rather than too early.

Nanda shared her shame, guilt and fear of not being able to breastfeed her son Samuel in our interview with me:

When I was younger I had a piercing in both nipples. The piercer already told me that I might not be able to breastfeed because of the holes in my nipples but at that time I didn’t care and also during pregnancy I never gave a thought about that. But when the 50

midwife put Samuel on my breast right after the delivery and it didn’t seem to work out I really got scared. I thought I might not be able to feed him with my milk and I was worried and ashamed.

A further important aspect which I came across with during my research was the notion of fulfilling the biological role by breastfeeding. As Joanna stated it:

I am her mother, I have to take care that she gets food. And nature gave me milk to do so. So why shouldn’t I use it?

In this regard Rosemarijn, a 52 year old kraamverzorgster told me that she also always recommends new mothers to breastfeed:

You know, the milk is so important for the baby and for the relationship between mother and child. When breastfeeding works, most other things also work. I always encourage the new mothers in my daily work to breastfeed. It is the best food babies can get and it is also good for the mother if she sits down and takes the time to breastfeed her baby.

So on the one hand physiological aspects of breastfeeding were named but on the other hand also cultural ideas concerning breastfeeding were brought up. The “unity of mother and child” connected through the act of giving and receiving food was a picture many of my interlocutors had in mind (see Kneuper 2007; MacClancy 2003). Anne told me that she felt special while she breastfed by saying:

I felt like a queen on my throne when I gave Gustav the breast. I have this special chair in the living room where I sit to breastfeed. It is in front of the window so I look outside while Gustav is drinking. It is a moment of peace for me. I have time for myself and for my son when I breastfeed. No hectic, no chaos it is just the two of us.

All new mothers I have talked to gained positive feelings when breastfeeding went without problems and negative feelings when difficulties in breastfeeding arose. Susanne’s experience is a good example on how the quality of breastfeeding can influence the own perception of motherhood:

Every time when breastfeeding is difficult, I feel like ‘half a mother’. It feels like our [her and her son’s] connection is disturbed. Then I worry a lot and can’t think of something else. But when breastfeeding is good I am really proud and it feels nothing

bad can happen. Then Diego and I are a team and I am proud because I can give him what he needs and I am a good mother.

The notion of “being a team” refers to the feeling of being related. Also Alexandra pointed out the bonding effect of breastfeeding:

I felt sorry that my husband couldn’t feel what I felt during breastfeeding. So I started pumping the milk to allow them to have the same experience. I wanted to show him the deep connection when you breastfeed. Of course it is not the same when you give the bottle instead of the breast, but I wanted that they have some Daddy- Constantijn time. You know, when the small fingers embrace your hand and you hear the soft sound of the suckling - that is just incredible.

That feeding is indeed a very intimate interaction with the baby became clearer to me while babysitting. I could observe how changes in the situation of breastfeeding also influenced the relation between mother and child. Firstly, Luise was an unsettled baby, she used to kick while drinking all the time and she squeezed Liv’s nipples during the breastfeeding which was very hurtful for Liv. So Liv learned from these experiences and started to establish rituals around the act of breastfeeding to facilitate it. Shortly before she breastfed Luise, she did not allow Luise to play with her toys and carried her around on her arm so that she could calm down a bit. Also Liv had a special chair to breastfeed in and while she was sitting down and opened her bra, she always sang a particular song so that Luise knew what was happening during that time. This song also diverted Luise from getting too excited about the feeding. While Luise was drinking, Liv continued singing further songs and holding her daughter’s hands so that she could not squeeze her nipples anymore. It needed some time until this ritual had a relaxing effect on the situation of breastfeeding. Soon after Liv had established it, Luise calmed down when she heard the song and was more relaxed while drinking. Liv told me how happy she was about that and she felt that: ‘We have achieved this improvement together. You know it must have been also stressful for her so now I am happy that we found a solution.’ On days when the feeding of Luise went well, Liv seemed more confident in her maternal role whereas disruptions in breastfeeding mostly had the effect that Liv struggled more with the daily requirements. What is here exemplified is also recognized by Lawrence from a biomedical point of view: “Women who breast feed are more self-assured, have higher self-esteem, and interact more warmly with their infants […]” (1995: 113). 52

In the context of what has been described above thoughts, worries and feelings of the new mothers concerning the transition phase to solids need to be seen. The beginning of feeding the baby with other food than milk was for many of my interlocutors connected with the fear of a decrease in the bond they had with their child. Tilda who started feeding puree to her 4 months old daughter only two weeks before our interview told me:

The doctor advised me to start feeding puree because Nienke was already so big and he said that she was big enough to start eating potatoes and vegetables and stuff. It took me a couple of days to accept that the time in which I solely breastfed her were over. I thought that I maybe have to share her more with other people (laughter).

This quote of Tilda refers to the fact that breastfeeding can only be carried out by the mother and while the baby is only fed with breastmilk, the mothers are mainly responsible for the nourishment of the baby. They experience this on the one hand as a burden but on the other hand also as a gain in their relationship with their child.

How babies are nourished is based on numerous factors such as “environmental constraints, economic and political conditions, women’s workloads, and cultural beliefs about the nature of children and the nature of food” (Dettwyler 1988: 172). Also in my research among Dutch new mothers it has been revealed how cultural beliefs about breastfeeding have changed. So have many of my participants reported that they themselves have been raised as bottle-fed babies. Some of my interlocutors told me that in the 1970s and 1980s the belief that bottle milk is better than mother’s milk influenced their own mothers in their decision on how to feed their babies. In this context Joanna, who was born in 1979, told me:

I was raised with the bottle and my mum thought that was the best for me. She said everybody at that time gave bottles instead of breast. But now I wanted to do it better and breastfeed my baby.

The way babies are nourished is a question of the culture they are born in and the culture is not static but changes over time. The participants of my research were living in a culture in which breastfeeding was promoted in books, online forums, by relatives, friends, midwifes and kraamverzorgsters, nearly in their whole social environment. As part of this promotion, breastfeeding was also described and experienced as a bonding practice with the child, which also gives evidence about the quality of fulfilling the 53

maternal role and getting a mother-child relationship in the eyes of my interlocutors. Therefore it can be deduced that breastfeeding as part of nurturing the baby was for my informants a practice of doing motherhood which led to a feeling of relatedness.

Playing with the Baby

Cross-cultural anthropological research conducted among cultures outside Western societies has shown that intensive engagement in playing with the child- as I have observed among the participants of this research- is seldom found. At this, the difference between mother-infant and infant-infant play must be emphasized. Whereas infant-infant play is “culturally universal”, mother-infant play only seems to appear under special circumstances. As Lancy argues, the “mother-child play in contemporary elite societies […] is much better attributed to ‘nurture’ or culture than to nature” (2007: 273).

So showed Bakeman et al. for the society of the !Khung San (living in a region of northwestern Botswana) that according to the parent’s belief the child can teach him/herself and therefore there is no need to play with him or her (1990: 796). In the introduction of Harkness’ and Super’s book on parent’s cross-cultural belief systems, they also emphasized similar findings and showed that the idea “A quiet baby is a healthy baby” leads in many cultures to a rejection of interaction which – from a pedagogic point of view - may stimulate the baby (1996). Moreover also for Hawaiian culture did Gallimore et al. exhibit that toddlers were raised to independency and therefore mother-child play - too much attention from mother to child - was not seen as promoting the child’s development (1969: 393).

Lancy further stresses reasons why not all mothers in different cultures carry out playing with their child. Mothers in societies where high infant mortality is a fact are less likely to carry out intensive engagement practices with their child so that, in case of the death of a child, the trauma of loss id diminished. Furthermore high fertility leads to less time per child and therefore mothers in high fertile societies in many non-Western contexts tend to not engage in playing or extensive interaction with their child. It can be concluded that mother-infant playing only occurs under special circumstances. In some Inuit cultures for example the weather and also the size of the groups make it difficult for children to play with other peers. In such cases, especially when the Inuit mother stays with her child for a longer time in one room because of harsh weather, mother-

infant play is carried out. So living in small units as nuclear families and the lack of other children to play with, may lead to the occurrence of mother-infant play. This can also be transferred to the living conditions in contemporary Western societies in which mother and infant spend a major part of their time as a pair in one household (2007: 275 f.)

Yet also in Western countries, the perception of mother-infant play as a need and also indicator for the quality of the mother-child relationship is a recent development. As mentioned in the beginning of this chapter the fertility of Western countries dropped due to consequences of the modernization process. Therefore less siblings, cousins or other children are in the surrounding of an infant to play with. The play with the baby becomes to an “artifact of modern, middle-class societies in which parents have relatively high levels of formal schooling” (Lancy 2007: 277). This context is important in order to understand my interlocutor’s experience in the play with their child as they are also living under similar conditions as nuclear families and presently with only one child.

Lancy argues that in Western societies two intentions are pursued with the mother- infant play. On the one hand “to foster curiosity, creativity and virtuosity” and on the other hand to “establish a lifetime relationship of enormous value” (2007: 278). The findings of my research also contribute to Lancy’s argumentation as follows: in order to stimulate and encourage the babies the toy selection that was offered in the playgroups was carefully chosen. So featured the baby toys - with which the babies did not play by themselves but in interaction with their mothers - colorful designs to excite the baby’s visual capacity. Other toys again supported different abilities such as auditory skills or tactile sensitivity. The different ways of playing with the child which I was able to observe during the playgroups always included either toys or the hands and fingers of the mothers. Mostly it was about how to draw the attention of the babies to toys, sounds or what the mother did with her fingers and also to teach the baby new skills.

In addition the mother of Luise gave me books to read on how I could support Luise’s development by playing different games with her while I babysat. One of the books suggested two games per week of the baby’s first year of age in order to support the current development of the nursling. Liv, Luise’s mother, told me that she does not always have the time to play all of the games with Luise but that she wanted me to do so when I babysat so that Luise’s muscles and senses were trained according to her age. 55

Also in relation to that, Tilda, a 32 year old occupational therapist, told me in one of our interviews the following:

I like to stimulate Nienke. I love to do some exercises with her and see how fast she develops, if she likes it or not and what I can teach her next, I challenge her all the time.

With this quote it is already implied that the play with their infant is also a possibility for the mothers to stimulate and observe their child’s development, reactions and to get to know them better. In what Jeska told me this can also be seen:

This is maybe the most important time of the day for me- when we play together. She also teaches me a lot, I take my time and we just sit and play. I love to see how she reacts to different things and with every day she learns new things. So nice to see that she develops so well. I am really proud how she already reacts to the world, first she was too small to play but now we can do so many things together. Everything is interesting for her.[…]. I get to know her better and that helps a lot in our bonding.

Playing together contributes to the feeling of relatedness in the mother-child relationship as many informants told me that knowing their child better than others had a major influence on their perception of the mother-child relationship. Alexandra reported in this regard:

Mostly of course I know best what he needs because we spend so much time together and this is also why I find it difficult to ask other people to take care of him. From his crying I can hear what he wants and I doubt that other people can recognize that. For them he is just crying but I know if he wants to drink, is tired or wants to play you know?

Another remark of Anne, my 32 years old interlocutor, was very meaningful:

Let me think, if I can say it like that. The better I get to know him the more I love him or ok no let’s say the more we are growing together.

The aspect of ‘spending quality time’ together was a significant aspect of the mother- infant play for my interlocutors. In Western countries the notion of ‘quality time’ is often to be found in relation with establishing social relationships - and parent-child relationships in particular - of high quality. In contemporary societies in which time has become a scarce commodity scholars have argued that it is not the amount, but the

quality of time parents spend with their child – e.g. concentrating fully on the child, responding to the infant’s needs, listening to the child – that is crucial in establishing a valuable relationship. ‘Quality time’ has various cultural notions as a background, for instance the aim to establish a valuable relationship between parent and child in general or the idea that listening and reacting to someone else leads to ‘good’ relationships (Haudrup-Christensen 2002: 78). In contrast to feeding the baby, during play time it was all about the interaction between mother and child for the sake of interacting with each other. This again strengthened the feeling of relatedness. The new mothers had the feeling of getting to know their child better through playing, which assured them in their maternal role and therefore mother-infant play can be seen as a practice of doing motherhood. Alexandra participated with Constantijn in a baby-yoga course on a regular base. She explained her motivation to do so by saying:

I like that I have explicitly time for Constanijn then. It is just me and him, I can concentrate on him and we often do the exercises we learned there also at home. I feel that it is good for him and it is also good for me.

What I could further observe in the baby playgroups was that the mother-infant play was often about trust and establishing trust again contributed to the feeling of relatedness. Trust was established through various games such as raising the baby as high as possible and then letting it suddenly fall only to be caught again soon after. This play made many babies laugh but only after they had recognized that their mother would always catch them again. Another popular game to show the nursling that the mother will always be there or return - although the baby sometimes cannot see her - was the following: the infant would lie on the floor and the mother would place a tissue or cloth over the eyes of the baby. Younger nurslings who did not know this game tended to become nervous because they could not see their mother anymore. The mother would then remove the cloth to show the baby that she was still here. With a little experience in this game, all of the babies liked to play it and laughed and giggled a lot. My argument is now that by showing the baby that it can rely on the mother, the feeling of relatedness is strengthened. Not only from the child to the mother but also the other way around as showing the baby that it can trust it’s mother is strongly connected with the promise to take care of it.

From my informant’s point of view, playing with their child was seen as a way to get to know it better, to build an emotional bond, to establish trust and to spend quality time 57

together. These are all practices of bonding in general but as mothers refer to themselves and are also perceived by others as the baby’s mother I interpret playing as a practice of doing motherhood, a particular, intense and unique way of bonding. Coming back to Lancy’s insights it can be summed up that with playing “mothers cultivate their children for their future value as social capital- as friends, correspondents and confidants” (2007: 278).

Cuddling and washing

At first glance, cuddling and washing rituals with the baby might not seem to be practices which should be combined in one section. Nevertheless I have subsumed these two as I think that the significant bonding part in both - cuddling as well as washing the baby - lies in the body contact between mother and infant. This deduction is based on what I have observed in the playgroups as well through babysitting and during postnatal check-ups to which I accompanied the midwifes.

In the settings I have named above, new mothers cuddled, stroked and kissed their newborns frequently. As an example to illustrate how often babies may be caressed by their mothers I am referring to what I have observed in one of the playgroups:

When a mother, Annika and her baby, Lisa who participated for the first time in this playgroup came into the room, they were a couple of minutes late so that most other mothers with their babies were already there, sitting in a circle on the floor. When Annika and Lisa came in, not many other mothers noticed the two of them as they were engrossed in conversations. Annika lifted Lisa out of the stroller and gave her two kisses on the cheek. Then she doffed her daughter’s little jacket and the baby-cap and stroked Lisa’s head and back a couple of times. While doing so she talked in a soft voice with her daughter. Then Annika was walking towards the other women, holding Lisa on her arm, stroking her feet. She also continued stroking her daughter while she introduced herself to the other mothers. After that she sat down and still held Lisa on her arm, caressing her head and holding her hand.

All these little gestures of caress carried out by Annika symbolized the bond between her and her daughter, internally and externally. On the one hand, coming into a new group, such as the playgroup, can be an exciting moment for the new participant as the moment in which the new one introduces her- or himself, he or she is put in focus. In this regard it might have been reassuring for Annika to emphasize the relationship with 58

her daughter. On the other hand the caress is also a symbol of the mother-infant bond for others. Stroking, kissing and cuddling the infant can be understood as the visible performance of the intimate mother-child relationship.

From the interviews I can derive that cuddling practices in particular seemed to be experienced as ‘natural’ – in Bourdieu’s sense of being inscribed in their habitus - and not worth mentioning by most of my interlocutors. While caressing the baby was intertwined with nearly every daily practice with the baby, not many interviewees mentioned this in the interviews. Only being asked how they assess the practice of tender dealing with their child on the mother-infant relationship, the new mothers gave similar answers as Nanda who told me:

Ah yeah of course. But that is what I do anyway all the time (laughter). I kiss and cuddle her from morning to evening and I love how she smells. I guess that is just what mothers do with their babies isn’t it?

I assume that precisely because of the naturalness with which the mothers carry out practices of caress, it is an important practice of doing motherhood. As already mentioned cuddling, kissing and stroking symbolizes, embodies and strengthens the bond and belonging between mother and child. My participants reported that the more often they carry out practices of endearment, the stronger they feel the tie with their child. Clara, mother of Christiaan, told me in this regard:

Now that you ask me, of course this is what I do every time. In the morning I wake him up kissing him that is what I do the whole day. My husband sometimes makes fun of me that I can’t stop to snuggle. The best part of the day is when the three of us stay in bed in the morning for 15 minutes or so before we get up and cuddle all together. This is our family time. And when I am away for a couple of days or even only hours I miss the cuddling with him [her son] the most.

By no means is cuddling and kissing the baby a cross-cultural universal practice. So was and also is caressing the baby in some cultures rejected out of similar reasons as already mentioned in the previous section: high fertility, the aim to raise the child as an independent being and high risk of infant death (Lancy 2007: 279). Although the following studies need to be read in respect of the time they have been conducted, they point to how different cuddling with a infant might be seen in various cultures: Ainsworth gives an example of the culture of Ganda mothers, Uganda, who rarely 59

hugged and kissed their nursling as they did not expect their child to be able to respond to interactions up to a certain age. So until their infant reached toddler age mothers of this culture tended to neither play with their child nor caress or kiss them. Therefore practices of taking care of the infant were mostly related to feeding and putting the child to sleep (1967: 94). By contrast in Nigeria Iweze (1983) observed in the 1980s that in this culture the caress of the baby was highly valued. Not only mothers but also most other women of the social surrounding took care that the baby was always carried by a women, they sang songs to the child and accomplished body contact in the sense of kissing, cuddling and hugging very frequently.

Again as with breastfeeding and also with playing with the infant, the cultural context of this current research needs to be taken into account. According to my interlocutors and what I have observed, frequent caress of the baby is strongly recommended by midwifes, kraamverzorgsters, family and friends of new mothers and also self-help literature. As already described above were these practices indeed not only recommended by various people such as kraamverzorgsters or midwifes but also carried out frequently by the new mothers. Bodily contact between the child and its mother was highly advocated. Nevertheless were the babies in the settings which I have observed also often put into their play pen, laid on a blanket or sat down in their baby-chair where they kept themselves busy without bodily contact to mother or father for different amounts of time. This again has a culturally constructed notion as a background: the idea that the baby needs to learn to be and to play alone. Minke, a 29 years old midwife told me in this regard:

When I meet the parents in the sixth week postpartum I check in general how the baby is developing, how the parents deal with the new situation and that kind of stuff. I often see mothers who are really exhausted. I give them the advice to teach their child to be alone. Of course babies need a lot of contact with their mothers but they should be able to go to the toilet without their baby starting to cry. You can practice this by being in the same room with your child but not paying attention to it. And then you can constantly extend the intervals in which you don’t interact with your child. Never too long of course. But this helps the baby to develop the ability to be alone and also the mother has more freedom.

So it can be summed up that cuddling, kissing and carrying the baby were an integral part of the daily interaction with the newborn, nevertheless were these practices, in particular the carrying of the baby, not constantly performed.

Washing and bathing rituals are to be seen as particular interactions with the baby in which the skin to skin contact is an elemental part. Many of my interlocutors reported that what they enjoyed most about washing and also playing with the baby was – again - the ‘quality time’ they spent together, the body contact and that it was a time in which they dealt with their infant without any hurry. As mentioned in this and the previous section my informants often referred to the notion of ‘quality time’ in the interviews, explaining that spending intensive time with their child led to a deeper feeling of belonging together.

The most frequently named ritual concerning the washing of the baby was that the mother, or quite often also the father, took a shower together with the nursling. In this context Joanna told me:

Once or twice a week we have a long shower together. Mostly in the evening so that she gets tired and I can put her in bed afterwards. First I turn up the heating so that it gets really warm and cozy in the bathroom. Then I prepare the towels and her pyjamas so that everything is prepared when we come out of the shower. When I know that everything is ready I am more relaxed. Before the shower I give her a massage. You know three times I went with her to a baby massage course where I learned how to do it. I have that feeling that Yule enjoys the massages a lot. She is calm and really interested in what I am doing with my hands. And also the oil I use smells really good. Then we both have a shower, I hold her in my arms and wash her gently. I can’t wash myself or my hair tho’ (laughter) but I don’t care. I enjoy the warm water and holding her close to me. Sometimes we shower for 15 minutes or so because we both like it a lot.

Relating to the pleasure of having bodily contact with her daughter, Jeska said to me in one interview:

After a long day, especially when it was really chaotic and turbulent I love taking a shower with her. I feel like sometimes when everything is too busy I don’t have enough time for Leonie and especially then it is nice to hold her tight and take a little time-out.

Also in what Malika told me about giving her 5 month son Manuel a bath, the quality time between mother and child is emphasized:

I can see how he has been growing since he was born. At the beginning the baby bathtub was way too big and now it already seems to be a bit too small. I like to see how he plays now in the water. He kicks and everything so that at the end not only me and my clothes but also the whole bathroom is wet. It is so much fun, we have a really good time together in the bath.

From what I have exemplified here, maintaining frequent body contact such as cuddling and kissing the baby or caress practices which are embedded in washing and bathing rituals with the baby can be understood as a practice of doing motherhood. These practices again establish and strengthen the feeling of relatedness from mother to child. So not only does spending quality time together enhance the mother-infant relationship but also the understanding of the baby’s needs, its reactions and preferences.

As shown in this section, cuddling, kissing and caressing is often carried out unconsciously and therefore experienced as being natural and self-evident. A look into anthropological and historical research on other cultures discloses that caressing the baby is certainly not culturally universal. The participants of this research were encouraged by their social surrounding and also by midwifes and kraamverzorgsters to cuddle the baby frequently and this was strongly intertwined with the daily taking care of the infant. In particular washing and bathing time with the child were described by the participants as possibilities to carry out abundant bodily contact. Many interviewees reported that especially the skin to skin contact with their child had a positive influence on the feeling of relatedness.

Discussion

According to praxeological theories - as discussed in the introduction - practices shape the experienced reality of humans. This is also true for the practices of doing motherhood which I have exemplified in this chapter. From what I was able to observe during this research and moreover from the perspective of the New Kinship Studies, the constant carrying out of practices of doing kinship in general and doing motherhood in particular leads to a feeling of relatedness, to the feeling of being each other’s kin. Especially in the first months after the delivery, these practices of doing motherhood are

of high importance as the mother-child relationship first needs to be established and likewise maintained.

For the participants of this research the biological relatedness with their child is a frame of reference within narratives concerning the mother-child relationship. Being related started for the interviewees mostly with pregnancy and delivery - the biological relatedness so to say. Yet as shown here the feeling of relatedness is not only bound to the physical act of giving birth and pregnancy but being related is further negotiated and constructed through daily interactions with the child. More so it can be concluded that these practices of doing motherhood – a particular form of doing kinship - are to be seen in priority when it comes to notions of being related with the child.

By reference to three practices of doing motherhood - breastfeeding, playing and cuddling/bathing of the baby - it has been shown that carrying out these practices can lead to a feeling of knowing the baby better and that again can strengthen the feeling of relatedness from mother to child. Firstly, in the case of breastfeeding, the nourishment of the baby is put in focus. Cultural notions of being a good mother who fulfills her role in feeding the infant with her breast’s milk are strong and influence the new mother’s experience of motherhood. This leads to the fact that when breastfeeding worked well, the women had more security in performing their maternal role.

Second in playing with the child, the aim to get to know the baby better as well as establishing a deep emotional bond – also to be understood as being culturally specific - by spending quality time together is reflected. Quality time refers to an important notion in the Netherlands stating that a good relationship between parent and child can be created by spending time together in which the parent engages him- or herself exclusively with the child. Beyond that Playing with the baby was experienced by the new mothers as a way to practice interaction, to learn about preferences of their newborn and also to establish trust. All this contributes to the feeling of relatedness.

Thirdly in caressing the child, the bodily contact and also the internally and externally symbolization of the mother-child relationship was emphasized. Bathing and washing rituals of the baby were named by the interviewees as moments of interaction in which the skin to skin contact, similar to cuddling, was very important. By cuddling the infant and using bathing time for extensive bodily contact, the new mothers again experienced an increase in the feeling of relatedness.

With becoming kin or rather becoming mother, so the feeling of relatedness I mean the feeling of having a strong bond with the child and the constant process of including the infant in their own notion of the self and of the family. This process of inclusion is seen as a positive cultural feature of the ideal Dutch society. Furthermore, it is a significant way of dealing with challenges and difficulties that are encountered by the new mothers in the first months after the delivery of their infant.

In the following chapter I will elaborate the ways new mothers are supported in the transition process of becoming a mother and the re-integration into society as explained in the previous chapter. Although becoming a mother in contemporary Dutch society might be seen as an isolated process, various people are an integral supportive part of this transition phase. On the basis of four examples – grandmothers, kraamzorg, pre- and postnatal groups and babysitters- I will illustrate how young mothers are supported in their first time postpartum and who of the supporter overtakes which roles.

4. Practices of doing motherhood: support

During our second interview, Alexandra told me that she had planned to create a photo album for her son Constantijn who was 4 months by the time of our interview. In this she wanted to put pictures of his first year of life. She had not started the album but had already chosen the pictures she wanted to place in and she was very happy to show me them. The pictures were not printed so we viewed them on her tablet computer. The first photo showed Alexandra and her husband Patrick at home on the couch. In this photo she had just gone into labors and she told me that this was the last picture showing them before she gave birth. The photos were already in chronological order and so some pictures from the birthing center followed. Apart from Alexandra and Patrick, who took the pictures, only the midwife was in the birthing room with the parents-to-be. With each photo she showed me, Alexandra became more emotional. The emotions of the day she gave birth were brought back by the pictures. It was a very touching experience. We both had tears in our eyes, while we viewed the photo which showed Alexandra right after Constantijn was born, lying on her breast for the first time. The next pictures showed some impressions of the day of the delivery. Alexandra’s parents waited outside the labor ward for the delivery of their first grandson and so they were to see on these photos of the first day with Constantijn very often. Alexandra told me, her parents-in- law had a long way to travel and were only able to arrive the day after the delivery. Four hours after the delivery Alexandra, Patrick and Constantijn were allowed to go home. There some pictures were taken with Alexandra’s brother and two friends who were waiting at home for them when they arrived back. The pictures taken during the kraamweek showed who was around in the house of the new parents. So not only was the kraamverzorgster often photographed but also Patrick’s and Alexandra’s parents, Alexandra’s brother and many friends who visited to see and welcome Constantijn. After the kraamweek the interval between the photos became longer. It seemed that only every now and then - on special occasions - pictures were taken or rather only these photos were selected for the album. The photo of the first time Constantijn was given a bath was in the selection as well as pictures of their first trip into the countryside as a family. Although the majority of the pictures only contained the new parents and Constantijn, the photos also showed who else participated in the life of the young family. Many pictures for instance showed Alexandra’s parents as proud grandparents. They were not only around on special occasions but also in daily situations, feeding

Constantijn with puree, carrying him around while he slept or playing with him in the garden. Moreover it was remarkable that many friends of Alexandra and Patrick were on the pictures. Some of them were parents themselves and the babies played together. Another friend of Alexandra’s was not a mother herself but she came very often to visit the young family and support Alexandra in her maternal tasks. Photos showed her while changing the diaper, preparing the milk bottle and washing Constantijn’s hands after he had eaten with his own spoon for the first time. Alexandra was gushing and proud and every photo functioned as a trigger for emotions and stories. Many pictures were accompanied by stories like ‘Oh yes, here we went on holiday for the first time with Constantijn and our friends came with us. We booked a house in a holiday complex- two years ago I would have thought what a stiff’s holiday (laughter) and it must sound horrible to you- but we actually liked it. The older kids of our friends could play and there were also many things we could do with Constantijn and the house had everything we needed. A baby bed, a baby chair and so on so we didn’t have to bring everything you know?’ To me the photos gave a deeper impression of how the first months with Constantijn were and of who was important and who participated in what ways. They showed the young family in very different situations. On one hand some photos were very intimate, when Alexandra and Patrick were alone with Constantijn and on the other hand some photos were very lively when many people came together. With the help of the photos and the stories Alexandra shared with me I got a better sense of the situations which were important for Alexandra and Patrick during the first months after Constantijn was born. After seeing these photos I felt as if I had known this young family for a long time. Not only had the photos Alexandra showed me given me an impression of who was supportive for the young family but also who was considered to be important and thus added to the selection for the photo album. Further photos were hanging in the living room. Between many photos of Alexandra and Patrick and their friends, a more recent one showed them with Constantijn on the beach. Constantijn looked still very small on this picture so it must have been taken a couple of weeks after his delivery. Another picture showed Alexandra and another new mother breastfeeding their babies.

As stated for family narratives, family photo albums are a way of expressing, constructing and sharing family structures. Following the New Kinship Studies’

definition of building kin relation, creating a family photo album can be understood as a practice of doing kinship. Alexandra’s example reveals that the selection of who is photographed and which photos are chosen for the photo album is often conscious. Notions of who is kin are manifested not only by who is photographed but also in the selection of the pictures, the way they are arranged in the albums and the stories that are linked to the photos. In Western societies the creation of family photo albums, including baby albums, is a widespread custom. On the one hand baby albums are seen as a memory of the time around the delivery which has such a big impact on many people. On the other hand is it also to be understood as a localization of the newborn in the family. Sandbye states that a photo not only shows but also does something. From what a photo shows, scholars of cultural studies often gain sociological knowledge. What a photo does is “personal, affective, social, and cultural communication” and therefore important in order to understand notions and perceptions of people (2014: 3). My aim within this chapter is not to go into further detail analyzing the family photos of my participants, although I assume this to be very fruitful in terms of gaining knowledge on notions of family and kin. I used what Alexandra’s photos told me as a starting point to understand who is involved in the process of becoming a mother and who supports the new mothers in what ways.

Throughout the course of this chapter I will elaborate on the different ways new mothers in the Netherlands can receive support in carrying out the practices of doing motherhood through their social surrounding. To do so, I will focus on four different examples – grandmothers, kraamzorg, pre- and postnatal groups and babysitters. My aim is to show that these people and networks provide different types of support, depending on their relationship with the new mother and that this can create and shape the process of doing motherhood. It will be shown that the help which is provided facilitates and co-shapes the carrying out of practices of doing motherhood and therefore facilitates the transition to motherhood. A special attention will be placed on the cultural specific context of this research.

While viewing the baby photos with Alexandra I gained the impression that becoming a family in the Netherlands is a very social process in which many people are involved. Here I contrast this impression to what Nathalie, an experienced kraamverzorgster, who worked in her profession for over 40 years, had told me:

Dutch mothers don’t ask for help. They are brought up with the idea that they should do everything on their own. But I tell you something: ‘Not when it comes to being a mother. Then you need help and support from many people and you should not be ashamed of that and always ask for help.’ The first months are for many mothers a lonely time.

Various scholars argued – similar to what Nathalie described above - that new motherhood in Western societies is often accompanied by social isolation which makes the postpartum period in particular a stressful time (Hanna et al. 2002; Paris 2005).

Indicators for both lines of thinking – the one I gained through the photo album addressing childrearing as a collectively project and also Nathalie’s view stating that childrearing can be a lonely process- can be found in the data of my research and this demonstrates how becoming a mother is experienced and done very individually. Numerous factors influence the way women perceive and carry out their transition to motherhood. This is also valid for findings concerning the support and involvement of the social surrounding. For most of my participants many people in their social surroundings played a major role in the first months after childbirth and I will come back to that below. Others again told me they managed mostly alone or with only the help of their partner. What can be concluded is that all new mothers I spoke to were the primary care taker of their child. Independently if they had been working or (temporarily) staying-at-home mothers, from what they have told me the amount of tasks they overtook in childrearing was significant higher than of any other people of the social surrounding. Also the fathers of the infants were never involved as the mothers. Support however was frequently provided by various people of the social surrounding, I will elaborate this below. This though was often short-term backing - provided when the new mothers asked for help - instead of a long-term support in which the new mothers would constantly be backed personally. This had an influence on the women’s perception of the support. For example Joanna, whose baby Yule was 6 months old by the time of our interview, for instance reported that she had relied on her social surrounding and that someone was always there to support her:

Suddenly our house was full of people. Now the babysitter is at home when I come back from work and she already cooked dinner which is amazing. And then my parents or my in-laws come around. I know they like spending time with Yule so I ask them often if they want to take care of her so that I have time for sports or a shower or so.[…]. 68

Luckily many of our friends come in the weekends because we have a big house and a garden so that the children can play outside and we cook together or so. It is always someone around and Peer [her husband] and I have to get used to the fact the we are never alone anymore (laughter).

Jeska’s experience though was completely different:

I don’t like to ask for many things, I think I am also quite good in doing it alone. You know I am not working at the moment so my only job is to take care of Leonie. Of course sometimes it would be nice if my parents or so would come around more often but when I think about calling them I already think that I can also do it on my own. And when Florian comes back in the evening I also do not want to ask too much of him. He already had a hard day at work I think. Last week we have been on holiday with his parents and I thought they maybe can take Leonie every now and then so that I have a little bit more time for myself but then they were sick and so it was not really a holiday for me.

These examples show that Nathalie’s experience as a kraamverzorgster and the insight I gained from Alexandra’s photos do not exclude each other. Many people are involved in the process of becoming a mother, they take various major and minor roles in the process of doing motherhood as will be shown in this chapter. Nevertheless the new mothers of this research were primarily responsible for the childrearing.

In the following sentences I will state who was named as being supportive in the postpartum period. The supporting parties were the fathers of the infant; close kin such as parents, parents-in-law, siblings, siblings-in-law; friends; groups which emerge from prenatal and postnatal courses; midwifes; kraamverzorgster; physicians of the consultatiebureau13; lactation consultants and babysitters. This list is not intended to be complete in terms of postpartum support in the Netherlands in general and it also does not intent to echo a hierarchical order in terms of importance. Rather it is based on what I observed in the midwife practice, as a babysitter and what my interviewees told me.

The selection of examples I have chosen in this chapter is not supposed to further elaborate who is most important for new mothers but to show how the provided support

13 Consultatiebureau: In the Netherlands at the Consultatiebureau medical staff checks the physical and psychic development of infants. Further is advice concerning nourishment, motoric and baby care provided. http://www.encyclo.nl/begrip/consultatiebureau (26.05.2015 13:36) 69

can vary in the transition to motherhood, depending on the person or network which provides the support. The fathers of the infant were always named as the person with whom the responsibility of childrearing and related tasks were shared. As the tasks they took were similar – yet not that extended and regular - to what the new mothers did in their daily dealing with the child, I choose to not further elaborate the role of the father. Rather I will focus on grandmothers as a special case of supporting the transition to motherhood and carrying out own practices of doing kinship, kraamverzorgster as a typical Dutch institutionalized way of supporting the process of becoming a mother; pre- and postnatal groups as networks who provide support and babysitters as a paid supporter in the cultural context of this research when extended family members or other significant people are not constantly available to provide help.

Grandmothers

Nienke brought many changes into the family and I am really happy about that. She is our little sunshine and I enjoy being the grandmother now. I am so proud, when she is here on Fridays I always want to go to the neighbors and show them my sweet grandchild. As a grandmother you only have the positive things, you don’t need to take care of child-rearing. I can give her as many chocolate as she wants to later, because the rearing is not my responsibility anymore. I can just spoil her as you can never do as a mother. […]. And I also want to support Tilda, I know from my own experience how demanding a baby can be.

(Hilda: 60 years, mother of Tilda and grandmother of Nienke)

As mentioned in chapter 2 all of my interlocutors experienced an improvement in the relationship with close family members such as their own parents, their in-laws and siblings in the prenatal and postnatal period. Distant relatives were not named as being important by the participants of this research. This hints to the fact that in Dutch culture the contact to the nuclear family is experienced as more important than the contact to extended family members. It is remarkable that without any exception the own parents and the parents-in-law of my interlocutors were the first ones who were informed about the pregnancy. Malika told me in this regard:

When we discovered I was pregnant I was already in the 9th week of pregnancy. At this time Isaac’s parents had just gone on holidays for two month. But already before I got pregnant we had planned that our parents should be the first ones to know and we also 70

wanted to tell them personally and not on the telephone. So for the first four month no one else apart from my parents knew I was pregnant. This was really exciting because I wanted to tell the whole world. And you also have to find excuses why you don’t drink alcohol and that stuff. When Isaac’s parents came back I already had a small, small baby bump and when they heard that we waited for them to come back to first tell them and then the rest of our friends and so, they were really touched. And I was also relieved because finally I could tell everybody. The reaction of our parents was really sweet. Especially my mother was so happy. She wanted to become a grandmother for a long time already, she would have never said that but I could see it in her reaction. […]. I think my mother was really proud that she became a grandmother.

Alexandra and Patrick thought of a special Christmas present to inform their parents about the pregnancy:

We decided to tell our parents first and it was only a couple of days until Christmas when I had the appointment at the doctor. So we bought some baby shoes, really small ones and Patrick took the right one, or the left one- I don’t remember and anyway I took the other one and we wrapped it in fancy paper. And this little baby shoe was the present we gave our parents for Christmas. I think my parents still have the baby shoe in their car as a lucky charm or so.

Informing the parents about the pregnancy first can be understood as a practice of doing kinship. Their parents seemed to play a big role for my participants and this was emphasized through this act. Friends and colleagues appeared to not have the same significance as the people my interviewees felt related with.

During the course of the pregnancy especially the mothers of the pregnant women participated in various ways. I observed that while most women brought their partners to check-ups at the midwife practice, many others were accompanied by their mothers. Through this the grandmothers-to-be were integrated in the process of doing kinship. They saw the ultrasound pictures, heard the heart beats of the baby and were present when the midwife and the pregnant women discussed different ways of giving birth. This involvement gave them the chance to establish a relationship with the unborn child before the delivery and it also changed the relationship between mother and daughter. Scholars have been arguing that technologies such as ultrasound can initiate a higher attachment to and an earlier bonding with the baby in the prenatal period. Through

seeing the fetus on the screen or listening to its heartbeat, prenatal bonding between parents and child is encouraged (Layne 2003: 87). Yet not only parents are part of this bonding process - the process of doing kinship - as pregnant women often use routine sonograms to integrate others in this process of doing kinship and to introduce the unborn new family member to others (ibid: 85).

Liv expresses the change in the relationship with her mother which came along with her own pregnancy as follows:

There are so many things out there you don’t understand when you didn’t experience it. Being a mother is the same. I am a mother now myself, I understand her [her mother’s] worries and everything. We are on the same mama level now. And there is always something to talk about. Now I call her often to tell her what my baby did.

Also Hilda, mother of Tilda and grandmother of Nienke, experienced this change in the relationship with her daughter as being positive:

The moment she had given birth, our whole relationship changed. Not from me to her, but from her to me, because know she is a mother too. Now she wants to listen more to my experiences, she is more open. It is very nice to experience that. Besides having a grandchild, you experience that your daughter has become another person.

The example of grandmothers as supporters in the transition to motherhood for their daughter or daughter-in-law is special in the sense that this support is always intertwined with practices of doing grandmotherhood. Through interaction, support and practices relationships within the family, from grandmother to daughter, from grandmother to grandchild and from daughter to mother are established and maintained. As Clara states it:

It [their relationship] definitely has changed. She is now the oma (Dutch for “granny”) of Christiaan. […].I feel more related with her. And she is also more around in our house so we spend more time together.

According to Raphael it is not only the mother and the father of a child who undergo a transitional period after the delivery of a baby other kin must also assume additional roles (1965: 65). After the arrival of a new family member - the baby - family parts are reassigned. This happens through carrying out practices of doing kinship by all people involved. In the following I will exemplify how grandmothers support their daughters or 72

daughters-in-law in the process of becoming a mother and how this correlates with carrying out practices of doing grandmotherhood.

The mother or the mother-in-law of my informants were involved in rituals concerning the postpartum period such as attending ultrasounds or decorating the baby room in different ways. The way grandmothers in the Netherlands are involved in the transition to motherhood very much depends on the family situation. If the parents of my informants lived closed by they tended to play a major but tendentially passive role. I was told by my participants that their mothers or mothers-in-law usually accepted their daughter’s wishes concerning childrearing and only participated or gave advice when asked for it. This can be compared to anthropological research on the postpartum period in other cultures. So did Lundberg’s and Thu’s analysis of beliefs and practices related to the postpartum period among Vietnamese women discovered that a new mother is supposed to rest for four weeks after the delivery meanwhile she is supported by her mother, her mother-in-law and her grandmothers. They not only overtake the housework and give advices in parenting tasks but also assist the new mother with all child-related practices. In addition to the belief that resting for at least four weeks postpartum helps the women’s body to recover, several practices are carried out to reinforce this process. Lying by a fire for one month is promoted to heat the body, furthermore warm massages are given by their own mother or mother-in-law. Also avoiding house work and sexual activity is included in the recovery scheme for young mothers in the month postpartum. The mother and the mother-in-law of the women take care that this recovery scheme is followed (Lundberg and Thu 2011: 733).

Similar findings were revealed by Callister (2006) in the article “Doing the month: Chinese Postpartum Practices”. Here the author exemplifies how traditional cultural practices in the first month after the delivery are still of high importance for young Chinese mothers. These postpartum practices include the “promotion of maternal rest, discouraging domestic duties and activity outside of the home,[…], avoiding bathing, washing hair or brushing teeth, and maintaining a balance between “hot” and “cold” food”. Support in this month after the delivery was mostly provided through the mothers of the new parents. Due to changing circumstances such as globalization among others, more and more Chinese do not live in the close surrounding of their parents and alternative support systems are created, yuezi nurses. Yuezi nurses are trained to support new Chinese mothers in carrying out the traditional postpartum

practices in cases in which support cannot be provided through close family members (2006: 390). Callister briefly compares these yuezi nurses with the Dutch kraamzorg, I will come back to that within this chapter.

These two studies describe ideal ways – rituals concerning the postpartum care provided by the grandmothers - of involvement of the pregnant woman’s mother or mother-in- law. As indicated in Callister’s study the actual practices may differ due to different life circumstances. These studies serve as examples to illustrate the established role mothers and mothers-in-law may have in the postpartum period in some societies. As already stated, the role of the mothers in the period after the delivery of the new parents in the Netherlands is not as clearly outlined as it is in other cultures. To what extent the new grandmothers were involved depended on the family and other various factors, for example the employment status of the grandmothers. By the time of this research the Dutch law provided employees to work up to the age of 6714. Up to which age the parents of my informants had to work depended on their age, how many years they had worked already and on their profession as the law has changed several times since they entered professional employment. Although many mothers of my informants only worked part-time or planned to stop working earlier than with the age of 67 they were still employed by the time their grandchild was born. This creates a complication in spending extensive time in the postpartum period with their daughter or daughter-in- law. On top of that many parents of my interlocutors did not live in Amsterdam but lived in different parts of the Netherlands. This also hampered the possibilities to support the new mothers. The way in which these difficulties were dealt with was very different. Alexandra, whose son Constantijn was 4 months by the time of the interview, reported the following:

In the second week after the delivery, so the week after the kraamverzorgster has left, my mom moved in for a week. She helped me with everything, took care of the household and supported me. After that week my mother-in-law moved in for another week. So for the first three weeks there was always someone in the house to help me.

A situation I have observed as the babysitter of Luise showed how Liv, the mother of Luise, was supported by her own mother. Liv became ill on a Wednesday morning and as I was babysitting that day she asked me if I could come and babysit for the next

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couple of days. She was too exhausted and sick to take care of her daughter and her husband was on a business trip so that he was not able to take care of Luise either. Unfortunately I did not have time to babysit for the whole weekend thus Liv called her parents -who lived in Switzerland- to ask if they could come to Amsterdam and support her the next days. Liv’s mother called her boss without hesitation to ask if she could have the next two days off and came by train to the Netherlands. She did not call into question that Liv needed her and she told me later:

I find it hard anyway that my daughter lives so far away and we almost never see Luise. So I want to be there for them when they need me. A mother always knows best what her daughter needs when she is ill and a grandmother can also take good care of her granddaughter.

Linda’s parents-in-law on the contrary lived in Austria and had not yet met their 3 month old grandchild Mia by the time of the interview. Claire told me in this respect:

So far they haven’t managed to visit us and we don’t want to drive for so many hours as long as Brenda is so small. His parents are really interested and I think they are sad that they have not yet seen Brenda- they call us often to ask how she and we are doing. But yeah I don’t know so far they haven’t played a big role I think for us.

Hilda, the mother of my interlocutor Tilda, also spoke to me about her experiences as a grandmother. Nienke was her first grandchild and she was unsure regarding if and how much support Tilda was expecting from her:

I saw that they [Tilda and her partner Robert] had so many visitors. Friends and colleagues came so I did not know if she wants me to be there too. Of course I would like to spend my whole days with Nienke but I also want to give them the time and space they need. I don’t think it is my right as a grandmother to intrude in their daily routines. I think it is better if I come around when she wants me to come instead of just going there every day.

Hilda also lived in Amsterdam. When her daughter Tilda went back to work, she offered to take care of Nienke one day a week although she herself was still employed. Hilda managed to get one day off per week and on this day she looked after Nienke every second week. The other week Robert’s mother overtook this. This is a concept I found in many of my study cases: grandmothers of the newborn babies seldom gave

advices but offered support by babysitting the infants and in this context they – as Hilda did - were happy to reduce their work time. Susanne, 38 by the time of the interview, told me:

My mother said that many of the things she had done as my mother are not up to date anymore. She said that mothers nowadays do so many things differently than in the past. But that I could of course always ask her if I wanted to know how she did it or so.

The notion that the women of my research had to learn from their own experiences seemed mainly shared by their own mothers. My interviewees reported that neither their mothers nor their mothers-in-law gave tips or made suggestions on how to deal with the baby better. Clara, whose mother-in-law is living around the corner, told me in this regard:

Sometimes I see in her face that she wants to say something, that she thinks I am doing it wrong or so. But then she doesn’t. Once I asked her why and she said that she thinks I have to make my own experiences and that she also might be wrong in her opinion.

Related to the Dutch context this shows that raising a child is considered to lay in the hands of the parents and that grandmothers do not perceive themselves as entitled to intervene in childrearing. Instead of providing advice grandmothers mostly offered to look after the babies so that the new mothers had time for themselves, I will come back to this notion further below. Joanna shared with me the advantages she saw in her parents looking after Yule on a regular base:

My parents come every friday to take care of Yule for the whole afternoon. This is when I have my sports classes and I don’t want to miss this. I feel like I have to take some time for myself. And I also think this is good for the grandparents and Yule, so the grandparents can bond with Yule. Which takes a while because she is not –in Dutch we would say a “allemansvriendje” (Dutch for “everybody’s darling”). She is happy when she is with Peer or me or the babysitter but when my parents come on the friday, Yule needs some time to get used to them again.

Kraamzorg

Luise did not drink properly in the first days. She was crying a lot, also when I gave her the breast and it seemed that she did not drink enough, but I didn’t know why. I was very desperate and Fiona [their kraamverzorgster] recognized that we were struggling with something. So she tried different things to improve the breastfeeding but it did not work and Luise was already losing weight so we thought I might have to give her formula milk. Fiona had the idea that Luise’s labial frenulum might be too short so she called the midwife asking if she could come and have a look at it. My midwife came the next day and checked the labial frenulum and indeed it was too short. Within seconds she just cut it, I was shocked, Luise was crying and I had to breastfeed her right after to stop the bleeding. After that the breastfeeding went a bit better but as Fiona checked the next day, Luise still could not stick out her tongue the way she should have. So Fiona made an appointment for us with a lactation consultant. She was really nice, she came to our house to check Luise and said that the labial frenulum was still too short and that it needs to be cut again. So Fiona made an appointment for us with our GP and he did it the other day.

(Liv, mother of Luise, the baby girl I babysat)

Within this thesis the Dutch institutional postpartum care of kraamzorg has been discussed in different sections. Nevertheless I assume it to be important to point out in greater detail the role kraamzorg plays in facilitating the transition to motherhood and supporting the carrying out of practices of doing motherhood. Another aim of this section is to exemplify in what ways kraamzorg is intertwined with other public health care services in the Netherlands and how this provides a network of medical as well as social care and advice for new parents.

In Western societies parenting and related matters are significant public health issues. Therefore it is important to offer adequate community support for families in the postpartum period. This need is especially given in the Netherlands where a relatively high amount of women decide to give birth at home and where short-stays in hospitals after childbirth are provided (Gooding 2004). The Dutch kraamzorg is one way to answer these needs. Developed in the early 20th century is the Dutch kraamverzorgster a profession which applied to the changes which were entailed in early processes of

modernization15. Due to geographic and social mobility there was “less opportunity to learn parenting through role-modeling” (Hanna et al. 2002: 209). Since then – as exemplified in the introduction - there has been an increase in these socioeconomic, cultural shifts. Hence the significance of kraamverzorgsters might be, in particular in the urban area of Amsterdam where many people live in nuclear households without having their kin close by, as high as never before (Hillmann 2007:585).

The Dutch institutional postpartum care of kraamzorg is unique in Europe. Kraamverzorgsters do various tasks which are elsewhere mostly conducted by the new mother’s own mother, mother-in-law as well as experienced midwifes or other women which are familiar with issues relating to delivery and motherhood in many non- Western cultures. This is implied in what Pauline, a 60 year old Amsterdam based kraamverzorgster has told me about her work:

We often do what grandmothers did. And of course more because we have some medical knowledge but in general we often play the grandmother (laughter). And you can often recognize, when the mother of the woman or her mother-in-law is in the house then we don’t have that much work anymore and then we often reduce the amount of time we spend in a family. Because it doesn’t make sense if we just sit around because the grandmother of the baby already does everything.

For the participants of this research the kraamzorg was a fundamental component in terms of managing the transition to motherhood. Becoming a mother was for the new mothers of this research facilitated through the kraamverzorgster. Hence it can be stated that kraamzorg initiates motherhood in a way. On the basis of what Jeska told me about her experiences relating to the baby blues, it can be seen how trusting the kraamverzorgster’s knowledge on parenting is influential for the new mothers:

I just trusted her when she said ‘It will be ok again’. I knew she has experiences and I don’t have. So I trusted her in everything she said. I thought ‘If someone knows, than she does’. And that gave me a good feeling, helped me to relax. Also with the baby blues…actually we both laughed about my tears and I felt that it is nothing to worry about.

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Whatever the reason for the weepiness during baby blues was all of my interlocutors emphasized the supportive help which was provided by the kraamverzorgster. The new mothers appreciated that they listened to their worries, that they organized the household and took care that the mothers got enough sleep. In general though was it significant for my interviewees that their kraamverzorgster reassured them, not only in dealing with the baby blues, but also with various other new demands in the first week postpartum.

From the perspective of the kraamverzorgsters their most essential responsibilities are on the one hand to bring calmness and rest and on the other hand to guide the new mother in ‘trusting her maternal instinct’ (Pauline, 60 year old kraamverzorgster). The kraamverzorgsters I have talked to emphasized their belief that new mothers intuitively “know” how to deal with a child. This again points to Bourdieu’s concept of habitus. Assuming that the new mothers “know’ how to be a mother, might be seen as a contrary to the “learning” process of becoming a mother. In my understanding though this does not necessarily exclude each other. On the one hand I assume that the kraamverzorgsters are influenced by their own extensive experience with infant care – their habitus contains knowledge on how to deal with babies whereas the new mothers of this research needed to learn that and trusting one’s own maternity intuition can also be seen as a learning process. On the other hand the kraamverzorgsters mainly addressed that the new mothers intuitively know what their baby needs. In my understanding the process of becoming a mother goes beyond that and includes practical issues in dealing with the baby and is strongly linked with the self- and external perception of the new mothers.

Asked for their main tasks within a family, I received answers such as the one from Rosemarijn who was working in the kraamzorg since 35 years by the time of our interview:

I always try to bring rest. New mothers try to do everything right but I always say ‘Laat gewoon je lichaam haar werk doen’ [“let your body do the work”]. The fear of making mistakes prevents them from listening to their inner voice. Every woman knows how to be a mother, everybody knows what the baby needs if only they would listen. Instead they use their telephone to look everything up but I ask you ‘How could you listen to your inner voice if you are talking or writing on the phone all the time?’ My task then is

to show them how to listen to their inner voice again. I always tell them then ’Don’t ask your telephone, ask your heart’ (laughter).

What Rosemarijn called “the inner voice” was also brought up in many other interviews with kraamverzorgsters. Janne for example, 45 and working in the kraamzorg for nearly 20 years now, also emphasized the need to adapt individually to the new circumstances as a young mother:

The women are so clever and I always wonder ‘Why don’t they listen to their intuition?’. The right attitude is ‘You want to drink again?’ ‘I give you my milk’ and then ‘You want to sleep again?’ ‘I put you in your bed’. Instead they think ‘Oh no my baby is drinking or sleeping too much’ and then they stop listening to their intuition. Instead you should think positive and don’t care too much about what other people or books or so say.

Another example is given by Nathalie. She was 60 years old by the time of this research and worked as a kraamverzorgster in and around Sommelsdijk since 10 years. During the interview, she mentioned several times that the self-concept of the mothers has a great influence on how much work they let be overtaken by the kraamverzorgster and therefore also how much rest they allow themselves after childbirth. This again has an impact on how easy the new mothers adapt to the new circumstances and carry out practices of doing motherhood. While pouring me a cup of tea she tells me:

Many don’t listen if I tell them they need to rest. A rested mother can do everything, the problems come when they don’t sleep enough, you know? A mother who gets enough rest can handle the rest easily. It’s so important. But many think ‘I am not the type of woman who needs rest or help’. They don’t allow themselves to be weak or so. Often they forget that they delivered a baby a couple of days ago. And then when I come in the morning I see how they take out the trash or already cleaned the bathroom. And then they wonder why they are so exhausted after a week.

Beyond initiating and supporting motherhood kraamverzorgsters in the Netherlands build a network together with midwifes, general practitioners, the consultatiebureau and lactation consultant where new parents can seek help or ask for support in case they encounter difficulties related to new parenthood or their infant. Primarily this is a network of medical advice. Yet also other issues are put in focus. A frequently discussed topic in the playgroups I attended were lactation consultants who are 80

consulted when breastfeeding was difficult. Beyond that also the consultatiebureau is a supporting institution for young parents and their questions. From what the mothers have told in the playgroups especially topics relating to the nutrition of the baby or developmental and motoric checks were discussed with employees from the consultatiebureau. Within this thesis I will not elaborate further these individual tasks of midwifes, lactation consultants etc. but my aim is to emphasize that kraamverzorgster are one link of a chain to provide an institutional supportive network for new parents in the Netherlands.

By the fact that the kraamzorg is an institutionalized postpartum health care service which only can be reduced but not completely rejected by the families it is ensured that every new parents receive the same assist-starting in the Netherlands, independent from income, milieu and social surrounding. It can be summed up that the main task of a kraamverzorgster is to support new mothers in carrying out their maternal tasks. This is of high significance for societies in which this support is not necessarily provided by family members, friends or neighbors. The institutional care of kraamzorg is intended to initiate and have a positive influence on the process of doing motherhood.

Pre- and postnatal Groups

Of course Gustav and the other babies are too small to play with each other but it is good for us mamas. So we can share experiences, we’re all in the same boat. The network I have through the group is worth a mint. We all have the same problems, we can help each other. And it is also nice to have an activity outside the house. You know normally I am at home, especially now in the winter and I only leave the house to do groceries or go for a walk. But with the group I am really looking forward to the Fridays when we meet.

(Anne, 32: speaking about the group she has created with other new mothers who knew each other from a prenatal preparation course they all attended)

Coming back to the argument that the transition to motherhood can be a lonely and stressful time in Western societies due to social isolation of new parents - in particular new mothers - groups of various kinds may have a significant impact on how new mothers experience the postpartum period and the process of becoming a mother. As mentioned in chapter 2 many pregnant women attend prenatal pregnancy courses to

prepare for the transition phase to motherhood. This is one of the first steps to adjust a woman’s social surrounding to the new life circumstances. This is continued in postnatal groups. Nanda, 33 whose son Samuel was 3 month by the time of the interview, reported:

I did not know many mothers before. But I had a lot of questions so first I googled a lot but I also wanted to meet some mothers in real life you know. So I went to the baby swimming. It has two advantages: I heard that it is good for babies. And you also meet a lot of other mothers who are in the same situation.

So the lack of mothers and infants in the close social surrounding is partly compensated through attending pre- and postnatal groups. This is also stated by Hanna et al. (2002) who have been researching public organized first-time parenting groups in Australia. Their study revealed that new parenthood groups “enable participants, mostly women, to connect with other families experiencing the life transition similar to their own” (2002: 210). In the Netherlands new parenthood groups are not provided by public health service. Nevertheless all of my participants attended at least one postnatal group and also all of them had participated in prenatal preparatory courses. In the urban area of Amsterdam new mothers have various opportunities to engage in all kinds of groups. To name but a few my interlocutors participated in playgroups, baby yoga, baby swimming, baby music lessons and involution gymnastics for new mothers. A further form of getting in contact with other young mothers were “Mama-Cafés”, organized by midwife practices in different areas of Amsterdam: Once a week, midwifes, kraamverzorgsters and lactation consultants invited new mothers to a café where they can ask their questions and meet other new mothers.

All these groups offer opportunities for new mothers to exchange information and support each other which is in particular important when neighborhoods, friends and family members no longer play a significant role in childrearing. Clara, 31 who worked as a primary school teacher and was on paid maternity leave, told me in this regard:

Contacts with other mothers are very important for me. It is really important to have people who are in the same phase as you are and I have met other mothers trough the baby yoga. That means a lot for me. These baby-mother contacts. So I mean I meet them very often for a coffee or so and I enjoy that, the exchange and everything.

Especially for first time parents these groups are a way to enter a new social surrounding dealing with motherhood and related topics. Within these groups social support is provided and through this new parents gain confidence and reassurance in overtaking their parental role. Another major advantage of parent groups is that they “assist people to remedy some of their day-to-day problems [and also] to come together to develop solutions to common problems”. Further are the “parental well-being [and the] parent-child interaction enhanced” through participating in groups (Hanna et al. 2002: 210f.). Accordingly these kinds of groups provide support for mothers in their transition to motherhood in this contributes to the facilitation of carrying out practices of doing motherhood.

What I have observed in the baby playgroups contributes to this argument. The new mothers mainly used these groups to exchange baby-care information. Private topics which were not parenthood or infant related were seldom discussed. This shows that in these groups the unifying element was motherhood and not necessarily friendship. I observed that issues which go beyond new motherhood were rarely brought up and if only between a few participants. Nonetheless contain these kinds of groups potential relationships which go beyond the weekly or monthly meetings with the whole group but they are mostly also baby centered. So told me Jeska:

I still see the girls from the zwangerschapscursus (Dutch for pregnancy preparation course) once a week. Our babies are more or less the same age and so we can always ask each other if there is something we are unsure about. We have a WhatsApp16 group together so we can always text each other. Also in the middle of the night because someone of the other moms is mostly also awake. While breastfeeding you can just text a message, just to show that others are not alone awake (laughter). If I need a quick answer I text this WhatsApp group first, we are 7 mamas in the group and someone is always checking the mobile. This is really convenient. And we meet once a week, every Wednesday afternoon or evening to do something together. Now in the winter we stay at home most of the time and have coffee but we have already made plans for the summer to go to the swimming pool together, do some BBQ in the parks. And it will also be nice when the kids are old enough to play with each other and the mommys can just chat. Of course not everybody can come to every meeting but in general we are a group of around 5 mamas every week. […]. We are getting closer now, obviously it is

16 Instant messeging app for smartphones 83

not a friendship as I have with my old friends but at the moment I feel more connected with the women from the group because they can understand me better.

With this Jeska also addressed the use of new technologies in the postpartum period. WhatsApp was frequently brought up by my informants as a way to have contact with others mothers. Further from what I could observe smartphones were often used to read up information in online forums when needed. I do not intend to elaborate the use of new technologies in the postpartum period further in this thesis but it is important to recognize that these technologies are also used as a support by many new mothers.

Nena (34), one of the midwifes considered also potential negative side-effects of postnatal group meetings:

We observe it very often that the women from the courses we offer have also contact outside of the courses. It is good for them to have contact with other mothers. But what I also observe is that, especially when the groups don’t know each other that well than many mothers only talk about the positive aspects of their new motherhood. I don’t know but they don’t want to admit that some things are not wonderful with the baby. So these groups can also add some pressure to women who are insecure about their motherhood. Then I try to emphasize that for no new mother everything is easy and that we all have problems in the first month. I know that from myself, although I already was a midwife when I became mother I was insecure about many things. These kind of groups should be used to help each other and not to pretend that everything is perfect.

The main reasons for the interlocutors of this research and also for the women I spoke to in the playgroups to participate in new motherhood related groups were to get in contact with other mothers, to exchange information concerning baby-care, to attend activities outside the house on a regular base and to do something together with their infant and other children. These reasons reveal the significance of a supportive network and surrounding in the transition phase to motherhood. Practices of doing motherhood need to be learned through exchange, imitation and distinction. In these terms baby groups are an important frame of reference for new mothers.

Babysitter

When I came to visit the other mamas I was always wondering how they kept their houses so tidy and why they had time to do exercises or go to the cinema with their 84

husband. ‘There must be something I am doing wrong’ I was thinking. But it was just that they all had a babysitter. Someone who came a couple of times per week to help with daily things. […]. Since I also have a babysitter I feel relieved. I know now that I can call the babysitter when I need time for myself and that it is also not a shame to do so. […]. Of course you have to pay for it but it is worth every penny.

(Susanne; 38, former account: hired a babysitter when her son was 2 month old)

Six out of the eleven new mothers I have talked to employed a babysitter. In Joanna’s case one of her good friends became the babysitter for Yule from the second week postpartum on. Joanna already knew that she will go back to her work as a psychologist six weeks after the delivery and therefore they wanted that Yule becomes attuned to being with someone else than her parents. Another reason for hiring her friend as a babysitter was:

In my work I have seen so many women struggling with not having time for them anymore when the baby is there and I wanted to avoid that. So I planned with Peer [her husband] that the babysitter will be part of the family from the beginning on so that I and also Peer can always have a time-out. Of course it was hard to give Yule away because you think you are the only one who knows what your child wants and needs. But I also think it helped me to be more relaxed about it and now I don’t mind when she stays with others. And so I also have the time to do the electronic distance learning I just recently started and do sports or meet friends.

Apart from Joanna all other women who employed a babysitter were stay-at-home mothers. Jeska told me in this regard:

Our babysitter comes twice a week, sometimes more and sometimes only once. But yeah twice a week in the afternoon so that I have time to do some things I normally can’t do when I have to take care of Leonie. I see the time I have for myself as a gift and I mostly use it to have a long shower or have a nap when I didn’t have enough of sleep the last night. Sometimes I use the time to clean the house but only when it is really necessary because this is the only time I only have for myself.

This means that the intention to hire a babysitter is not necessarily to enable new mothers to work but to have recreation and time for herself. This notion is cultural specific and can be seen as a result of the individualization in Western societies. Individualization is a result of and initiator for social changes in which the individual needs and wants to construct its own life (Hillmann 2007: 363). In the context of this research individualization can be seen as an influential reason why mothers feel the need to have time for themselves. They perceive themselves also as an individual who has roles besides from the maternal role.

Moreover the function of a babysitter goes further than this. A babysitter can also become a friend, someone to talk to or even similar to a family member. This is the experience I myself had as the babysitter for Luise. Almost every time I went there to babysit, Liv used the first hour to tell me what has been happening lately, what Luise has learned recently and with what kind of thoughts and worries she was concerned. Within this first hour I was at their home, the exchange with me was one way of support which Liv gained through having a babysitter. My informant Alexandra told me in this regard in our interview:

You know when you are used to going to work every day, when you meet your colleagues every day, then you are used to having good and challenging conversations every day. And when you are a mother you are most of the time alone at home. All conversations you have are like ‘Dada, lala’ and that kind of stuff. Then you are really happy when someone comes, friends or the babysitter or so and you have someone to talk to. I enjoy every minute I am not alone at home with Constantijn because I really miss good conversations with other adults.

Here the need of social contacts in particular for stay-at-home mothers is emphasized. A babysitter may become what is needed the most, a good company, a paid colleague, a paid friend or a paid family member as well as a domestic aid and suchlike. Beyond what has been described so far, named tasks of my participant’s babysitter contained playing with the infant, going for a walk with the infant, feeding the baby, bringing the child to bed and accompanying the new mother and her child to appointments with physicians and suchlike. Further did I as a babysitter overtake domestic tasks when Luise was sleeping or got breastfed by Liv.

Hence the carrying out of practices concerning the dealing with the baby, which I assume to be practices of doing motherhood, is influenced by a babysitter in different ways. By taking care of the baby and giving a hand in domestic work the mother is relieved. Thus she saves and gains new energy which helps her to deal with the new demands in the postpartum period. In addition the support of a babysitter can ensure that the transition to motherhood proceeds smoother as the mothers have time for themselves and they must not carry out their maternal role constantly but with small breaks. In some cases the babysitter can even support more than that. In cases where the babysitter becomes an integral element of the family, the babysitter assists the mother in the transition to motherhood and is a person with whom the mother can have satisfying exchange.

In the context of this research it is important to mention that all participants had the financial possibilities to hire a babysitter even if the mother stayed at home for longer than the paid maternal leave. This is by no means a given in the Netherlands but due to the fact that the participants of this research had a relatively high income and lived with partners who also had high salaries.

Discussion

Societies confirm existing culturally available roles to assist new mothers in the transition to motherhood. This has been shown through anthropological research in different cultures. The Dutch mothers of this research have been assisted by their husband, grandparents, public health care services such as kraamverzorgsters, and friends, as well as by networks which emerged through pre-and postnatal groups and babysitters. So the participants were not necessarily solely responsible for childrearing but still the primary care giver for their infant.

On the basis of four examples- grandmothers, kraamzorg, new mother groups and babysitters- it has been shown how different people of the social surrounding influence and take part in the process of becoming a mother and how practices of doing kinship are carried out in this regard. Kraamverzorgsters provide explicitly advice and information for new mothers whereas grandmothers usually provide advice on request and support the new mothers by looking after the infant. This can be reduced to a

typical Dutch notion stating that new mothers have to learn from their own experiences and that grandmothers accept the autonomy of their children. Pre- and postnatal groups give the possibility to share and exchange experiences of new motherhood as many new mothers experience a lack of other new mothers and children in their social surroundings. Babysitters facilitate the transition to motherhood as the women have time for themselves and can have a short break from carrying out their maternal role.

In particular the own mother and in some cases also the mother-in-law became an important caregiver for the new mother in the pre-and postnatal period. The support grandmothers offered to their daughter or daughter-in-law relating to becoming a mother was mainly provided through babysitting the infant. This support is in the special case of grandmothers simultaneously a practice of doing kinship, or doing grandmotherhood in particular, as through spending time together the grandmother- grandchild relationship is established and maintained.

Groups of new mothers again provide a different kind of support to the new mothers. Firstly the participants of this research described pre-and postnatal groups as an opportunity to add other new mothers to the circle of friends and acquaintances in order to adapt the social surrounding to the new life circumstances. Secondly other new mothers were named as a frame of reference to adjust the own way of carrying out the maternal role with others.

By being experienced persons on motherhood and infant relating topics the Dutch institutional caregiver kraamverzorgsters lend the new mothers support. The new mothers could rely explicitly on the experience of their kraamverzorgsters, further these caregivers ensured that the new mothers had time to adapt to their new role in the first week postpartum in rest and calmness. This again facilitated the process of becoming mother.

In this regard a babysitter might continue what is also a task of the kraamzorg, grandparents and new friends in groups- to allow the new mothers to have time for themselves and pursue their own interests. In some cases the babysitter even became an integral part of the family with whom the doing motherhood practices were shared.

These kinds of different supports – that were important for the new mothers as they experienced the transition to motherhood as partly challenging and difficult - are culturally specific as has been shown. The Dutch women of this research - who lived in 88

the urban area of Amsterdam - were used to work, have a lot of contacts to colleagues and peers and lifed a most widely self-determined life. In the transition to motherhood support is provided in order to maintain parts of this self-determined life, ensure the new mother in her maternal role and to give guidance in carrying out practices of doing motherhood. As fathers mostly did not have paid parental leave resulting from the specific arrangements in the Netherlands and other kin often either also worked or did not live close by, the mothers were the ones who were mainly responsible for the childrearing in this stage. In order to reduce the sole responsibility different supportive structures, as has been shown on basis of the examples, were established.

5. Conclusion

The research objective of this thesis was to examine how first-time, highly-educated Dutch mothers experience their transition to motherhood and in what ways a feeling of relatedness is established through carrying out practices of doing motherhood, a particular form of doing kinship from mother towards child - in the first six month after the delivery. A second area of this study was how and by whom women are supported in the process of becoming a mother. In this context I assumed that becoming a mother is an ongoing process in which the maternal role is constantly negotiated through the carrying out of practices of doing motherhood.

I have shown that childbirth was experienced as a major life event by the participants of this research. Following van Gennep’s approach of rite de passage this major life event is ritually marked and new mothers pass through three stages in the process of taking up the maternal role: first withdrawal from their current status and the preparation for motherhood, second the transition phase to motherhood, which is induced by the delivery and third the re-integration into society. Within this thesis a main focus has been put on the transition phase to motherhood. In the very beginning of this transition phase, the first week postpartum, the Dutch institutional postpartum care of kraamzorg and midwife visits provide support for new mothers in practical knowledge concerned with dealing with the baby as well as basic medical care and help in domestic work. Thus professionals like kraamverzorgsters and midwifes can facilitate the transition to motherhood in the first week postpartum as they are experienced in dealing with newborns and motherhood.

I argued that challenges and difficulties in the first six months postpartum are markers of the transition phase to motherhood, as the maternal role needs to be adopted and learned. Physical pain from the delivery and breastfeeding as well as sleep deprivation posed problems to the participants of this research. Adapting to the schedule of the baby and getting to know the infant was also named as challenging. In addition, Dutch new mothers experience difficulties in their work life after childbirth. After 16 weeks of paid maternal care, parental leave is only partially possible in Dutch society and women have to decide whether they want to go back to their work or if they want to stay at home. Mothers of this research who went back to work regretted not being with their child all the time, whereas mothers who stayed at home missed the exchange with colleagues and challenges outside of the maternal role. Finally changes in friendships were 90

experienced as challenging. Relationships with childless friends became less important for the participants of this research while relationships with other parents, especially other new mothers, intensified and became more important.

The establishment of a feeling of relatedness as a result of carrying out practices of doing motherhood played a significant role for the participants of this research in dealing with changes, challenges and difficulties in the transition to motherhood. In narratives, the biological relation, as well as nurturing the infant – described as carrying out practices of doing kinship by the New Kinship Studies - were mentioned as initiating and maintaining the feeling of being the baby’s mother.

Three practices of doing motherhood – breastfeeding, playing and cuddling/washing the baby - have been explained in more detail. Breastfeeding, the nourishment of the baby, was experienced on the one hand as a ‘natural’ given. On the other hand high moral values were attached to breastfeeding in the culture I have researched. These values addressed wanting the best for the child by feeding it with the best nourishment, the notion of a unit of mother and child and the concept of keeping the baby alive with the mother’s milk. Through playing with the infant, the new mothers of this research felt they got to know their child better and established a trustful emotional relationship, which again contributed to the feeling of relatedness. Based on the insights on cuddling and washing practices with the baby, I have argued that the skin-to-skin contact contributes significantly to the feeling of being related and, furthermore, is perceived by the new mothers as an internal and external symbolization of the mother-child bond. Both in playing with and cuddling/washing the baby spending quality time together was often named as being important by the participants of this research. This goes back to the popular notion in Western societies saying that the quality of relationships, in this case the parent-child relationship in particular, is based on the quality - meaning if the parent takes exclusively, intensive time for the child - of the time the parent spends with the child.

As the transition to motherhood is an incisive life event, anthropological research among different societies has been shown that cultures tend to establish ways to support new mothers in this transition process. The informants of this research were supported by their partners, parents, parents-in-law, siblings, friends, kraamverzorgsters, midwifes, lactation consultants, new parents groups and babysitters. Based on four different people or networks – grandmothers, kraamzorg, pre- and 91

postnatal groups and babysitters – it has been shown what different kinds of support is provided for new mothers in contemporary Dutch society.

Grandmothers take a special role as their support is intertwined with the carrying out of practices of doing grandmotherhood – a term I have introduced to clarify practices which establish a feeling of relatedness from grandmother to child. The mothers and mothers-in-law of my interlocutors supported their daughters usually by looking after the infant so that the new mothers had time for themselves – a typical idea in Western societies stating that it is important for mothers to have time outside of their maternal role. Yet looking after the newborn was only possible when the new mothers lived close to their parents or parents-in-law which was usually not the case for the participants of this research. In this context I assume it to be fruitful to research how living close to extended family in the Netherlands influences the experience of the postpartum period. Giving advice concerning the childrearing was explicitly not intended by the mothers of my participants as they not wanted to impose. This shows that the Dutch grandmothers of this research respected the autonomy of their children which can be contrasted to task to give advices on deliveries, postpartum care and childrearing.

While grandmothers particularly avoided giving advices, the Dutch postpartum institutional care kraamzorg provided support for the new mothers by offering knowledge on newborns, new motherhood and the postpartum period as well as by reassuring the women in their new maternal role within the first week postpartum. I have argued that the transition to motherhood is thus facilitated with the help of the kraamzorg. This became particularly important for the participants of this research as they were living in nuclear households and usually were not experienced in dealing with the new demands of motherhood.

Groups of new mothers which emerged from pre- and postnatal groups again offered a different type of support. These groups provide the possibility for the women to adjust their group of friends and acquaintances to the new life situation. I have argued that a lack of parents with children in the social surrounding can be compensated by participating in parent-baby groups. Within these groups, experiences of new motherhood as well as knowledge on dealing with the infant are shared.

The role of the babysitter is very individual and depends on the family situation. Basically babysitters support the new mothers by looking after the baby so that the new

mothers have time for themselves – as mentioned a strong cultural notion – and gain new energy. Further as I have shown on the basis of my own experiences, babysitters can also become an important interlocutor for new mothers in order to share their experiences or worries concerning childrearing.

This research was limited in terms of selection of interlocutors as the findings of this study are strongly related to the specific research group. Other new mothers in the Netherlands, for instance without high, formal education, or those who live in rural areas or close-by their relatives, may experience and perform the transition to motherhood and the maternal role in different ways. The women of this research had the resources to gain information through online forums, books and to pay a babysitter for instance, all of which has a great influence on the perception of the new demands of motherhood. Furthermore challenges and difficulties of the transition phase can be ascribed to the specific life circumstances of my informants and may vary in other research groups.

From my perspective anthropological follow-up research on kraamzorg is needed in order to gain knowledge on how the performing of the maternal role can be facilitated for women in other Western societies. I consider it fruitful to research in more detail what kind of practices kraamverzorgsters carry out, if and how these practices support new mothers, what kind of supportive system is represented by the Dutch institutional postpartum care of kraamzorg and how this system might be adopted to other Western cultures. Moreover I suggest conducting research on Dutch parents who might experience the kraamzorg less positive and as a way of surveillance through the government.

As I have shown, challenges and difficulties of the postpartum period can be moderated when adequate support is provided. I assume that the findings of this research can contribute to an improvement in the postpartum support for new mothers in the Netherlands. From my point of view an expansion of pre- and postnatal groups, provided for instance through the government so that every new mother can participate, helps to facilitate the transition to motherhood for many women. A stable support network of other mothers or people with expert knowledge such as midwifes or kraamverzorgsters can ease the transition to motherhood and prevent main postpartum difficulties or even disorders.

The concept of doing kinship has served as the underlying theory of this research and I have emphasized the role practices play in the transition to motherhood. Using the praxeological approach of the New Kinship Studies I have shown that the daily interaction with the infant contributes significant to the feeling of being the baby’s mother and thus the transition process to motherhood was facilitated. Moreover I have added the notion that each kin role - such as mother or grandmother as shown in this study - is specifically carried out through individual practices. From my point of view the concepts of doing motherhood or doing grandmotherhood make the approach of doing kinship more specific and adaptable for the culture I have researched and possibly also for other Western societies.

The findings of this research contribute in addition to what scholars of the New Kinship Studies have argued especially in relation with alternative reproduction technologies: also in Western countries the notion of kinship is not strictly linked to the idea of biological relatedness but socially constructed through carrying out practices. Although the new mothers of this study referred in narratives to their biological relation with the child, it was the daily interaction with the infant that was most significant in their perspective to establish a feeling of relatedness.

Coming back to Rajneesh’s quote, with a birth not only a baby but also a mother is born. Pregnancy, delivery and the time after childbirth make a woman becoming a mother. For my participants this did not happen at once but in many small steps by taking over the maternal role. The creation of something new, never existing before – the mother – takes time and is an ongoing development which only happens when people do it.

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