Celebrity High School Yearbook

2009 IN REVIEW: CELEBRITY HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK Written By: Amanda Wenek (Toronto) Thanks to the many yearBook-style spreads we see in all the weekly gossip magazines, we know that many celeBrities came from very, shall we say, humble Beginnings. And while the world of celeBrity and fame may have turned them into "Beautiful" stars, I still wonder if they would fare any Better in those ever- prophetic “Most Likely To...” yearbook surveys now than they would have back then. We’ve witnessed a plethora of celebrities doing both good and bad for their careers, their lives, and the world at large this past year. Let’s take a look at who ended up at the top of their class in 2009, and who, well, remains nothing more than the class clown. "MOST LIKELY TO BE PROM KING & QUEEN" Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart If there is one thing that defined 2009 and overtook everything else going on this year, it was Twilight mania. With New Moon and Eclipse being filmed in Vancouver for the better part of the year, tweens and Twi-hards were lapping up every little set detail, plot leak, and photo that came out of Vancouver. As the stars of the hit series, Pattinson and Stewart were definitely the talk of the town. Not to mention there still exists that burning question: Are they or aren’t they actually dating in real life? So if Prom King and Queen is nothing but a popularity contest, then these two would win hands down. "MOST LIKELY TO STREAK ON PROM NIGHT" Miley Cyrus In just over a year, Miley went from sweet Disney darling to rough- around-the-edges, stripper-pole-hugging pop-tart. After a slew of “mistakes,” “errors in judgment,” and humBle apologies last year, she gave us even more to talk about in 2009: from her infamous Teen Choice Awards’ performance this summer to her break up with that hunky (and much older) underwear model to her allegedly stealing her The Last Song co-star from his long-time girlfriend. Phew, the list could go on. I bet if she did make it to her Prom Night she’d be the one baring all just to get a little bit of attention. "MOST LIKELY TO BE IRRELEVANT A YEAR FROM NOW" Jon Gosselin Due to his and Kate’s epic divorce saga, Jon Gosselin has been the most talked-about TV husband this past year. Most of the coverage is of his cheating scandals, his indifference to his kids, and his generally irresponsible behaviour. But when all of that stops, and I really hope it will at some point, will the world still care? It’s not even 2010 yet and already the media coverage on Mr. Gosselin is tapering out (thank God). Aside from Ed Hardy and Vitamin Water sponsorships, the man really doesn’t have anything going for him, so pretty soon all we’ll see of him are re-runs of “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” "MOST LIKELY TO SELL HIS/HER BABIES" Octomom Throughout 2009 we followed the remarkaBle story of “Octomom.” Nadya Suleman, just your everyday, average, plastic surgery- enhanced, Angelina Jolie-look-a-like, gave Birth to eight BaBies through in vitro fertilization, bringing her total to 14 children. Only she didn't realize until after she gave birth that she can’t really afford them or care for them properly. Oh, and that the whole world as well as her own family thinks she’s a crazy person. Desperate times, desperate measures... she would sell a BaBy or two, or at least sell them out for a hit TV show or a diaper endorsement (like the Gosselin’s did so many years ago). "MOST LIKELY TO DESERVE HIS/HER SUCCESS" Zac Efron Having graduated from his High School Musical days, Zac Efron has certainly earned his place in Hollywood’s success stories. The Boy is a genuine talent: he has good comic timing, he can dance and sing, he's BelievaBle and likaBle, and he works hard. He turned down the lead in the upcoming Footloose remake so he could pursue more “serious” roles. 17 Again was a tiny step in that direction, but the just-wrapped Me and Orson Welles and The Death and Life of Charlie St Cloud will see Efron like we’ve never seen him. He's Been a positive role model (you never see him drunk in the tabloids or getting arrested for DUIs) and he’s serious about his craft. If someone like that doesn’t deserve every ounce of success they get, then I don’t know who does. “MOST LIKELY TO END UP IN REHAB” & “BIGGEST TRAINWRECK” Lindsay Lohan Do I really need to say anything more? “MOST LIKELY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD” Angelina Jolie RememBer the TV show “Pinky and The Brain”? Every episode would begin with Pinky asking, “So Brain, what are we going to do today?” to which Brain always answered, “What we try to do every day! Take over the world!” Well, this is what I imagine Sarah Palin saying to her reflection in the mirror every morning. Only, I think she is delusional to think it could ever happen. Angelina Jolie, on the other hand, has a fighting chance for such a fate. She’s already a mom to kids born in all different countries, she’s a UN Goodwill AmBassador, she’s started charities that benefit different causes in different parts of the world, and her face is seen on movie screens in every country on the planet -- actually, it kind of sounds like she’s pretty much already taken over... “LEAST LIKELY TO RELEASE A SEX TAPE FOR PUBLICITY” Eric Dane Eric Dane was caught in quite the compromising position this year when a “sex” tape was released depicting him, his wife ReBecca Gayheart, and another female smoking drugs and engaging in sexual behaviour. With so many celebrity sex-tapes, “oops,” being leaked it’s not hard to question the integrity of the celebrity and assume they had some part in it. But Dane is such an under-the-radar actor and I think he likes it that way. Besides, the man who plays the deliciously dreamy Dr. McSteamy would never need to pull a stunt on the level of Paris Hilton or Mini-Me in order to get attention. “BIGGEST BULLY” Kanye West Everyone else rememBer this year’s MTV Video Music Awards? When America's Sweetheart Taylor Swift went up to accept her very first VMA, the award for Best Female Video, and began her speech, “I always dreamed about what it would be like to win one of these,” Kanye grabbed the mic right out of her hand and declared Beyoncé a more deserving winner. Way to ruin Swift's Big dream moment and embarrass Both her and Beyoncé. Katy Perry summed it up best when she Tweeted: "F**K U KANYE. IT'S LIKE U STEPPED ON A KITTEN." NoBody likes the schoolyard Bully, Kanye, and just because you’re playing on a bigger court now, it doesn’t mean people dislike it any less. Oh, and if there were a “Biggest Ego” category...he would win in that too. “BIGGEST SWEETHEART” Taylor Swift Taylor Swift has not only taken over the country charts, but the pop charts as well with hit single after hit single. This country cutie always has a smile on her face, never has a mean word to say about anyone, and has managed to avoid all of the teenage drama that plagues most starlets her age. Not to mention she gracefully handled the Kanye incident at the VMAs, refusing to say a mean word aBout it and only recently poking fun at the situation during her SNL hosting gig. This girl barely has bark, and she saves her bite for her lyrics only. Her songs may point a finger at those who have done her wrong in the past, But, let's face it, they proBaBly deserved it. I can’t imagine her being anything but everyone’s favourite sweetheart. "BIGGEST OPPORTUNIST" Michael Lohan Michael Lohan wins by a landslide. A few weeks ago he Tweeted suicide threats, saying his goodbye to his own daughter via a Tweet. He speaks to the press and gossip Blogger Perez Hilton whenever a new Lindsay controversy appears, and he always has an opinion when it comes to Lindsay and her relationships with herself, her mother, and Samantha Ronson. His Biggest low this year, though, came when he sold private phone call recordings of an oBviously distraught Lindsay crying out for love and help. Any father who is more than willing to air his daughter’s very dirty laundry in a very public way is deserving of this title. And the fact that he does it all for a price makes him the cream of the crop. "MOST PROVOCATIVE" Lady Gaga It seems that no matter where you looked this year, Lady Gaga was staring right Back at you. Whether it was a bloody performance at an award show, an outgrageous Bondage-like face cover at a press conference, a lace Bodysuit on the red carpet, or her simple aversion to pants- Gaga always had people talking. She doesn't shy away from taking fashion, music and performance art to places they've never been before, and just when you think she can't outdo herself... she does. She's Been open about her sexual dalliances with women, her feelings of being a "freak," and her early days in the seedy, underground NYC music scene.

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