Walk Through The Stage By

Corey ’DeBose’ Schumizer et al

Dark Savior Cast of Characters Dunbar: A prisoner who also plays guitar and sings in a band.

Matt: Dunbar’s brother, who also sings in the band. Drizzit: The bass player. A lizardman.

Evilsizer: The drummer. An axe murderer.

Butch’s Sister: A porcine would-be groupie.

Kurtliegen: The Warden. DeBose: A dangerous prisoner who is skilled at playing arcade games.

Doc: The prison doctor who is a mad scientist. Monster: A dinosaur-like monster. John: A prisoner who has been there for a very, very long time. Garian: A bounty hunter. Kay: A ninja.

Tracy: Kay’s good-looking sister. JJ: The leader of one of the organised crime gangs on the island.

Meg: A very dangerous prisoner. Sean: Meg’s brother. Also very dangerous. Keitha Bedfrey: The prison nurse. Skilled at euthanasia. (MORE) Cast of Characters (cont’d) Kan Naito: The president of Climax Japan.

Garians 2,3,4: Garian in multiple parallel dimensions. Attendants: Kan Naito’s underlings.

Scene Jailer’s Island, the world’s highest security prison.

Time 2012 ACT I Scene 1 (Jailer’s Port, outside Ponno’s Jalapeno Cafe. The port of the notorious Jailer’s Island, the Universe’s toughest prison. The Cafe looks salubrious and has a flickering neon sign displaying its name and a picture of a bottle of booze. DRIZZIT, a lizard man with blue scaly skin and a prison uniform, walks across sweeping up random leaves and garbage with a broom. He does this twice, then suddenly stops in the middle of the stage and turns to the audience.)

DRIZZIT: (looking at his watch) Aw, man, I’m gonna be late! (Throws his broom to the ground and runs into Ponno’s. After a small commotion, DUNBAR, MATT, EVILSIZER and DRIZZIT walk out carrying their instruments. DUNBAR has the guitar and a microphone, MATT has another microphone, EVILSIZER has the drums and DRIZZIT is on bass. They set up their instruments and get into position as the opening riff of ’Sean’ starts to play.) ’Sean’ starts to play.

MATT: Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/You’ll never find a place like it/ Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/ Once you’ve been here you won’t want to leave!

DUNBAR: Where the giant Morgan turtles run free/and the sharks swim around in the sea! MATT: Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/You’ll never find a place like it/ Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/ Once you’ve been here you won’t want to leave! DUNBAR: There’s a neat Jalapeno on ice/ and the blue roses smell kinda nice. MATT: Oh, and that girl who you’ll grow to adore/oh, with the face you swear you’ve seen before.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2.

DUNBAR: Well you just cannot run/and you just cannot hide/by the set of the sun/you will be back inside/when you know where you are/you can call it a day/that’s the way/just the way, the way... MATT: All of Dark Savior is yours/Fate is the overwhelming force/That will keep you coming coming back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back...

DUNBAR: Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/Maybe you’ve been here before now/Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/Then again maybe you never left.

MATT: You should make yourself comfortable here/For the boat only comes once a year. DUNBAR: Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/Maybe you’ve been here before now/Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/Then again maybe you never left. MATT: I swear sometimes that girl disappears/truly she is a ninja to fear. DUNBAR: Oh, some say this is an eternal nightmare/Oh, I think they’re being kinda unfair.

MATT: And you just cannot run/and you just cannot hide/by the set of the sun/you will be back inside/when you know where you are/you can call it a day/that’s the way/just the way, the way...

DUNBAR: Went to the Warden and said/why am I immortal not dead/and why can’t I help but come back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back... Music fades out.

MATT: Ladies and gentlemen, humans, lizardmen, weretigers, werebananas, werepigs, catgirls, Bilano Monsters, Warden... welcome to Jailer’s Island! Hope you enjoy your stay here, this was Legion of Qwerty! DUNBAR: Don’t all rush forward at once, we’ll be here all year, folks!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3.

DRIZZIT: Signed T-shirts for only 2 chocolate bars each! We’re saving for our world jailbreak tour! (BUTCH’S SISTER runs on stage, squealing like the fat pig she appears to actually be. She runs up to DRIZZIT and hugs him.) BUTCH’S SISTER: Oh, Drizzit, you were great!

DRIZZIT: Uh... thanks? BUTCH’S SISTER: You look so cool playing that guitar! I’m your biggest fan, you know! DRIZZIT: Uh... that’s not really difficult, seeing as we formed, you know, last week?

BUTCH’S SISTER: I know you’ll be a superstar one day! DRIZZIT: Well, that’s the plan...

BUTCH’S SISTER: I’ve always wanted to date a superstar! DRIZZIT: Um... (tries to break free from the female pig’s grasp, but is held fast by her big piggy arms) BUTCH’S SISTER: No! Don’t leave me! (clearly fake crying) Everyone always leaves me! Even that man my brother promised me he’d set me up with! DUNBAR: Has Butch been making those arranged marriages again? I warned him against that, he’s tried to marry you off to everyone who steps in so far and its giving the cafe a bad reputation. We’re supposed to be in charge of this place! BUTCH’S SISTER: Come to think of it, I didn’t really like that guy anyway... he was acting so weird... DUNBAR: Was he making trouble in the cafe? (brandishes knife) I’ll shank him!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4.

BUTCH’S SISTER: He was... well, he jumped onto the stage, then started trying to claw his way through the curtain, like he was looking for something on the other side. He was real desperate. He was even hitting it with a sword! DUNBAR: Hm? There’s nothing on the other side of the stage curtain! Its built into the side of the mountain! Its just a wooden panel and then the rock face! DRIZZIT: You said he had a sword? Did he have blonde spiky hair?

BUTCH’S SISTER: Yeah. DRIZZIT: What the...? That was Garian! I wonder what the hell he wants that’s behind the stage?

DUNBAR: Who knows? He’s nuts. Every time he comes to the Island he gets pissed out of his skull.

EVILSIZER: I know what happened. Obviously, someone is hiding behind the stage that Garian was hired to capture. DUNBAR: But there IS nothing behind the stage! Haven’t you been listening? That’s the trouble with you guys, you never listen! MATT: Uh... guys?

DUNBAR: What now? It better not be anything else Garian-related! Stupid bounty hunters! MATT: Look behind you...

DUNBAR: Oh, for fuck’s s... (DUNBAR looks behind him and almost walks into KURTLIEGEN, the Warden, who has been sneaking up on them all this time. He sort of looks like John Kerry but with a giant prosthetic pipe wrench in place of one of his arms. He is in a foul mood, as usual.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5.

KURTLIEGEN: Ahem. DUNBAR: Warden! Sir! (salutes)

MATT: Sir! Warden! Sir! (salutes) DRIZZIT: Everything in order here, sir! See? (points to the floor) everything’s nice and neat and tidy! (BUTCH’S SISTER and EVILSIZER escape off stage) KURTLIEGEN: And just what exactly do you think you are doing? DUNBAR: We were... um... discussing how much we hate Garian! You hate Garian too, don’t you, Sir? I mean, you do try and kill him a lot...

KURTLIEGEN: What ELSE are you doing? DUNBAR: Um... we’re...

DRIZZIT: Playing a song! KURTLIEGEN: A song? (outraged)

DRIZZIT: Yeah, we’ve formed a band. We’re Legion of Qwerty. We’re gonna be famous one day! KURTLIEGEN: And you did this... without my permission? DRIZZIT: We thought you’d be pleased that we found a constructive use for our time that doesn’t get us into any trouble! DUNBAR: Yeah, we’re learning valuable vocational skills to help us be reformed back into society once we leave!

KURTLIEGEN: NO FORMING BANDS! How can I be sure this ’rehearsing’ isn’t really a private meeting where you all plot against me? How can I be sure that this ’music’ of yours isn’t seditious lies designed to inspire the other prisoners to rebel against me?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6.

DUNBAR: Aww, Warden! But... KURTLIEGEN: But nothing! If I’d known you wanted to do something more useful, I’d have sent you down the Bilanium mines! DUNBAR: N... no! Anything but that!

KURTLIEGEN: Okay, you can report to Doc first thing tomorrow morning for medical experiments! DUNBAR: Y... you wouldn’t! KURTLIEGEN: Or maybe you can marry the pig and stop that whole fracas so we can all have a little peace and quiet around here!

DUNBAR: AAAAAAARGH! How could you? That’s just cruel and unusual!

MATT: Sir... do you know that EvilSizer got out of his cell again? KURTLIEGEN: WHAT? Okay, I guess this is an emergency, so I’ll decide your punishments later. Go back to your cells and don’t disobey me again, or its the Carbon Freeze Chamber for all of you! (Exit KURTLIEGEN) DRIZZIT: Well, I for one think we got away rather lightly there! MATT: Yeah, that psycho saved our ass again. Guess we owe him.

DUNBAR: But... we’re forbidden to play? DRIZZIT: I know, it sucks, but we’re not dead... yet... and there’ll be plenty other chances to break out. DUNBAR: Drizzit, this is NOT about breaking out! This is about me and my brother fulfiling our dream! We may have no future... no prospects... we’ll probably (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 7.

DUNBAR: (cont’d) never leave this wretched prison... but at least we’ll be remembered for something. And that something will be the legendary rock band Legion of Qwerty!

MATT: Yeah, we musn’t give up! Giving up is for losers! DRIZZIT: You... you’ve had a dream too, haven’t you? My dreams all involve me being eaten by Bilan or the island sinking and killing us all. But I think your dream is something we can all achieve... if we dream hard enough... DUNBAR: Its a promise, then? Legion of Qwerty will play again! MATT: Rock on! SCENE 2 (Daisaku’s house, Central Climaxland. It looks like a simple, traditional Japanese house with wooden floor panels and walls and painted curtains. The man who looks vaguely like Daisaku from Climax Landers is KAN NAITO, President of Climax Japan. He sits on a cushion in the middle of the room, thinking. His two ATTENDANTS lounge around playing Saturn games.)

SATURN (O.S.): GAME OVER YEAHHHHHHHHHHH! ATTENDANT 1: Oh, man!

ATTENDANT 2: Hah! You suck! ATTENDANT 1: You cheated! I saw you! You were playing when I took that phone call!

ATTENDANT 2: How is it cheating to take advantage when someone’s stupid enough to answer their phone in the middle of a game?

ATTENDANT 1: But it was an important business call! It was vital to the future of Climax Japan! (Phone rings. ATTENDANT 1 answers it.) Hello, mum! Yes, I still have clean underwear on! No, there isn’t a girl in here! Yes, I’ve eaten my (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8.

ATTENDANT 1: (cont’d) vegetables! Look, mum, I’m at work! Can’t you phone back later? Yes, of course I love you...

KAN NAITO: Shut up, you morons! I’m trying to think! ATTENDANT 1: Sorry, boss.

ATTENDANT 2: Sorry, boss. KAN NAITO: Something’s not right in the state of Climaxland.

ATTENDANT 1: Its Time Stalkers. Its really not selling well. I told you we should have made a sequel to Dark Savior instead!

ATTENDANT 2: Idiot, we can’t do that until at least one person finishes the game! Most of them don’t even believe the game has a true ending. They just give up after they finish Parallel 5!

ATTENDANT 1: Ladystalker. We need to revamp Ladystalker. The title is faintly amusing like the Wii, Lady is hot and everyone loves stories about mob bosses! ATTENDANT 2: Yeah, but no-one’s heard of Ladystalker. It didn’t even come out in the UK! We should remake Landstalker, it was our most popular game! ATTENDANT 1: Most popular doesn’t mean best, what’s to guarantee that it’ll still be a hit with a new generation of gamers after so many years? Now Dark Savior, that was actually our best game! KAN NAITO: Dark Savior! (snaps fingers) That’s it! ATTENDANT 1: See? The boss agrees with me! KAN NAITO: No, not the game, you idiot, I need to go to Jailer’s Island! ATTENDANT 2: Boss, NOBODY wants to go to Jailer’s Island! Its a hellhole!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 9.

ATTENDANT 1: Its far too dangerous for you to go there personally! The prison inspectors we send over every year don’t come back! Neither do any of the prisoners! Or the guards! We haven’t seen the Warden in twenty five years! ATTENDANT 2: Rumour has it he’s been eaten by a dinosaur. KAN NAITO: Are you forgetting that Jailer’s Island is Climax territory and therefore my responsibility? ATTENDANT 1: Its okay, boss, nobody cares what happens in that place. Only the most dangerous felons and political dissidents are sent there. Nobody WANTS to see them again! ATTENDANT 2: Rumour has it that if anyone does manage to escape, they might accidentally set the dinosaur free. KAN NAITO: There are no dinosaurs on Jailer’s Island! The dinosaurs are on inosaur Island! Jailer’s Island is inhabited only by...

ATTENDANT 2: Jailers? KAN NAITO: Presumably.

ATTENDANT 1: Can’t we just send in another team of elite bounty hunters? KAN NAITO: The last ones never came back and I never got my refund! I’m not made of money and the Agency isn’t made of bounty hunters! ATTENDANT 2: Actually, being a bounty hunter agency, technically they are... KAN NAITO: Anyway, I don’t want to hear second hand accounts, I want to see for myself what’s happening over there. they haven’t sent in a report for over twenty years! ATTENDANT 1: I’m not sure they even can get reports out. The last time the boat went out, the signal they got over their comm system was so crackly the Captain could barely hear it.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 10.

ATTENDANT 2: That was before he got eaten by Bilan. KAN NAITO: This is exactly the sort of thing that worries me. Now, if anyone at all can get to the bottom of this, its me, Kan Naito, the President of Climax Japan! ATTENDANT 1: Don’t you think you’re a little important to Climax to just run into the front lines and get yourself killed like this? KAN NAITO: For Mitula’s Sake, I’m not going to be fighting Bilan or anything, I’m just going for a personal inspection and a quiet talk with the Warden and hopefully a big dinner! Besides, have you forgotten that I’m a master swordsman and a notorious interplanetary businessman? I may be getting old but I still train every day so my technique doesn’t get rusty!

ATTENDANT 2: See? If you took that attitude, you wouldn’t suck so much at Love Love Mini Racer! ATTENDANT 1: Fine, maybe I should tell my mum you’ve been cheating and interrupting her phone calls to me! ATTENDANT 2: Aaargh, no! Anything but that!

KAN NAITO: What are you two arguing about? Go and prepare my private helicopter! ATTENDANT 2: Its going to take several days to make it fit to survive a trek to Jailer’s Island. The island is shielded by permanent storms, there’s only a tiny entrance for a helicopter which is guarded at all times by cybernetically augmented bears and its said there are constant fluctuations in the space-time continuum! Plus, I get really bad travel sickness!

KAN NAITO: I’ll take the time to make my own preparations. Go! (Exit ATTENDANTS 1 AND 2. KAN NAITO waits patiently for them to leave, then turns to the audience.) I wish I could tell someone my real motivation for going to Jailer’s Island. But those two would just think I was insane. I can’t look unprofessional in front of business colleagues. I’m not like those two idiots, I’m the President! I represent the company’s (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 11.

KAN NAITO: (cont’d) entire public image! But deep down... the real reason is... I just wanna play Dark Savior! (’Mad Dominator’ begins to play.)

I first played Dark Savior at the dawn of the Millennium/Its an anticlimax but at least its an apocalypse/All the shutters closed behind me leaving me alone with it/At the chime of midnight heard my Sega Saturn calling me/Save me!/Save me!

Since then I’ve saved often and I’ve tried not saving any more/maybe it will bring me something far beyond the Parallels/After thirty years I still am not convinced there’s only five/Shouldn’t someone like me have seen how this game should end before?/Save me!/Save me! I can hear it calling/I feel myself falling/under the spell of the game without an end!

I wanna play Dark Savior/I wanna play Dark Savior/I wanna play Dark Savior/ I’ll be on my worst behaviour/I wanna play Dark Savior/I wanna play Dark Savior/I wanna play Dark Savior/ I’ll be on my worst behaviour!

Save me!/Save me!/From the part of me that will betray me!/Save me!/I wanna play Dark Savior! (Song ends. KAN NAITO bends down, picks up a controller, turns sadly away from the audience, sits down and plays on the Saturn while the screen fades to black.) Scene 3 (The arcade room in Deadman’s Castle. DUNBAR and MATT are watching DEBOSE play Love Love Mini Racer on an arcade machine. He is awesome at it.)

DUNBAR: Wow, I’ve never seen anyone play so fast and not crash into anything!

DEBOSE: Shut up! No interrupting me! And stop being such toadies! DUNBAR: We’re not being toadies! We don’t support you or Bruno or JJ and we’re not interested in your politics at all. We just want to watch you play Love Love Mini Racer so we can learn a few tricks. You’re the Island champion, man!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 12.

DEBOSE: Actually, if you must know, Meg beat me last night. MATT: Whoa, I heard she gets pretty violent when she gets angry. You’re lucky she didn’t kill you! DEBOSE: I meant at Love Love Mini Racer, idiot! Now I have to beat her score and I can’t concentrate with you two hanging around! DUNBAR: Aww, but we’ve got nothing else to do! DEBOSE: Aren’t you guys supposed to be rehearsing? MATT: We can’t! The Warden found out and he won’t let us play any more!

DEBOSE: Did he say you couldn’t play or the band couldn’t play? You could always swap out one or two members and change the band name!

MATT: No, man, we’re the Legion of Qwerty! We wouldn’t be the same if we changed our name! DEBOSE: Hm... tell you what, leave Bruno, join me and I’ll try and pull a few strings for you! We could always use a bard to inspire the troops. DUNBAR: Our music isn’t political, man! We’re no sell-outs!

DEBOSE: Suit yourself. Just go away and stop bothering me. DUNBAR: Aww, couldn’t you at least give us some good tips?

DEBOSE: Why’d I want to set you up to rival me? You’re not even loyal to me. DUNBAR: You ask me, this whole business is stupid! Why can’t we all gang together to fight our common enemy - the Warden? (KURTLIEGEN stalks into the room unnoticed.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 13.

KURTLIEGEN: I’m whose enemy now? DUNBAR: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Er... Garian! I was talking about Garian! KURTLIEGEN: You said ’Warden’.

DUNBAR: Didn’t you hear? Garian declared himself Warden of Jailer’s Island! KURTLIEGEN: He did? (shakes his fist) I shall crush him like the miserable insect he is! DEBOSE: You’re all stupid and cowardly and insane. I’m leaving. (exit DEBOSE)

KURTLIEGEN: Wait... didn’t I execute him yesterday? Damn it, we’re getting so low on liquid carbon I keep accidentally cryogenically freezing people instead of killing them! Why do Climax never send me supplies any more? (turns to DUNBAR) Talking of Climax... MATT: (hides behind DUNBAR) I’m not Matt! I’m Dunbar!

KURTLIEGEN: I never said you were Matt, you idiot, you’ve just told me clearly which one you are and that you’re lying to me, and besides, I need to talk to both of you! Its about the band.

DUNBAR: We haven’t been rehearsing! Honest, guv’nor! KURTLIEGEN: Well, you’d better get to it, then! You’ve a date with stardom! DUNBAR: ... what? KURTLIEGEN: In a week’s time, this island will be visited by none other than Kan Naito, President of Climax Japan! I need to make a good impression on him. I have to admit that you are actually rather talented. I want you to stage a special performance for him.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 14.

DUNBAR: What... THE Kan Naito? KURTLIEGEN: I know, it came as rather a surprise to me as well. How did he get my number? MATT: You must be having us on!

KURTLIEGEN: Absolutely not. And to prove this isn’t some kind of prank, if you don’t go to work right now on composing a song and rehearsing it, I’m going to execute all of you! And I won’t... (walks towards DUNBAR and grabs him by the throat using his mechanical arm) be using the carbon freeze machine! Looks like I’ll be switching to manual for a few months! MATT: We’ll be honoured, guv’nor! The President is a fine gentleman! And thank you for letting us play again!

KURTLIEGEN: If you impress him enough, I shall lift the ban permanently!

MATT: Please put my brother down! KURTLIEGEN: I didn’t even realise he was in pain (tightens claw).

MATT: I meant put him back on the ground! And stop strangling him! KURTLIEGEN: You should be more specific with your wording (releases his grip on DUNBAR, who falls to the ground) Well, you must be busy musicians. I’ll allow you to get on with your work. (Exit KURTLIEGEN. MATT helps DUNBAR up. After a few seconds, DEBOSE pokes his head around the curtain, then re-enters and runs back to the arcade machine.) DEBOSE: He coming back? DUNBAR: How the hell should I know? I can never see him coming! He’s just standing there breathing down my neck suddenly at the worst possible moment!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 15.

DEBOSE: Only because you’re too slow! Anyone could sneak up on you! I’m having second thoughts about my offer to let you in my gang. You’re far too pathetic!

DUNBAR: Well, we pathetic guys are gonna be performing in front of the President of Climaxland and you’re not! DEBOSE: Huh? THE Kan Naito? DUNBAR: Yeah. Jealous yet? We can get you front row tickets for only a magazine and two bottles!

DEBOSE: Is Mr. Tanaka gonna be there? DUNBAR: Who?

DEBOSE: You know, the President’s right hand man! ’Runabout’ Tanaka, the Love Love Mini Racer world champion! I raced him once before I ended up on the rock. Got my ass handed to me, but he said I had the potential to become a world class racer some day. That was 25 years ago. I want to see how I’d fare against him now. MATT: Well, everyone on the Island thinks you kick ass and its our national sport! That and knife fighting... and skull basketball... DEBOSE: Yeah, but I’ve only ever played with you guys, I know your moves inside out. Playing against unfamiliar racers all around the world is a whole different game. They have rules there, like no stabbing your opponents. MATT: That rule sucks!

DUNBAR: Wow, I never knew you used to play internationally! I’ll definitely tell him you’re here and you want to race him if I meet him! Man, this is so exciting... THE Kan Naito! We’re gonna have to write a special song to show your loyalty to him! DEBOSE: Why can’t you guys be this loyal to me?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 16.

MATT: ’Cause you’re a psycho. C’mon, bro. (Exit MATT and DUNBAR. DEBOSE spends a few more seconds playing Love Love Mini Racer before finishing the game.) DEBOSE: Damn it, you bitch, almost got you! (DEBOSE walks out in disgust. Lights fade to darkness.)

KURTLIEGEN: Why is it that the President inspires such devotion, such loyalty, that others do not? Why do none follow me in such a manner - I, who am a true nobleman, not some vaunted businessman!

(spotlight comes on to reveal KURTLIEGEN) I am charismatic, am I not? I am tall and proud and noble and darkly handsome and arrogantly aloof? Do I not treat my employees well and pay them generously and enforce the strict discipline needed to handle such incorrigable prisoners? Do I not oversee every inch of this island and rule it with an iron fist? And yet, no, the only time I can get anyone to do my bidding is to pay them more or threaten them with death! This is unacceptable! I am the Warden! (clenches his non-mechanical fist, then raises his mechanical arm and strikes an unseen object to make a clanging noise) I AM WARDEN KIRK KURTLIEGEN THE THIRD!

(a few seconds pass, then ’Kurt’s Mansion’ starts playing) You will not receive my pardon/any mercy in me has hardened/frozen in my heart of carbon/I ignore your pleas and your bargains/Please excuse me while I become something more than just your Warden!

You will not switch me off/you did not switch me on/I am out of control, I serve no-one/Do you know who I am?/Do you know, anyone/Where the lesser of two evils has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone?

Frozen in a hyperborial day that is a time immemorial/Frozen in an golden mural/Frozen in a promise immortal/On the peak of Mount Mejourna waiting for another portal!

You will not switch me off/you did not switch me on/I am out of control, I serve no-one/Do you know who I am?/Do you know, anyone/Where the lesser of two evils has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone?

(MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 17.

KURTLIEGEN: (cont’d) Normally there’s no reception/You have been the fatal exception/Fatally I make corrections/Fated since your day of election/In the silver hanging garden I await my resurrection! You will not switch me off/you did not switch me on/I am out of control, I serve no-one/Do you know who I am?/Do you know, anyone/Where the lesser of two evils has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone, has gone? (End of song.) President Naito, I shall make you pay for what you have done to me. For annexing my family’s power... for building a maximum security prison on our island... for the accident that took off my arm, caused by the shoddy safety equipment you keep sending me... I shall execute you. The day you come to visit Jailer’s Island... shall be your last day alive! You shall see for yourself what the Lesser of Two Evils has become. 18.

ACT 2 Scene 1 (The arcade room, Deadman’s Castle. DUNBAR tunes his guitar, EVILSIZER practices his drumming while MATT tests the microphone. Suddenly, DRIZZIT runs in.) DUNBAR: What’s kept you, Drizzit? You’re late! DRIZZIT: Garian is back! DUNBAR: Garian is back? MATT: Garian is back? EVILSIZER: Garian is back? (They get into position with their instruments, then ’Deadman’s Castle’ starts playing.)

MATT: Garian is back! With his snakebird called Jack! DUNBAR: Garian is back! Dark Savior is like crack!

MATT: That bounty hunter’s back for more! Someone fit a revolving door! DUNBAR: Last night I had a dream and he was there/he stood over me/He pointed his sword at my head and then he killed me, I was dead! DUNBAR AND MATT TOGETHER: MISTER BOUNTY HUNTER’S BACK!

MATT: That bounty hunter’s back for more! I wonder what he’s lookin’ for! DUNBAR: You can’t jump up onto the stage, you know!/ Its impossible./You know inside that there are only five and yet you cling to life. DUNBAR AND MATT TOGETHER: WON’T YOU HURRY UP AND DIE!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 19.

DUNBAR: And all the Warden has to say... DUNBAR AND MATT TOGETHER: YOU’RE ALL DYIN’ ANYWAY! DUNBAR: So he might as well earn his pay! MATT: Pretty soon he’ll be callin’, callin’, we’ll be fallin’... DUNBAR AND MATT TOGETHER: WHY IS HE BACK ON THAT BOAT?

DUNBAR: Garian is back! With the snakebird in black! MATT: Garian is back! On a parallel track!

DUNBAR: Did he arrive on time today?/If not, I think I’ll run away! MATT: And if he meets a girl but leaves her there... DUNBAR: We’ll take care of her! MATT: And then he meets her sister and decides to lie to her... DUNBAR AND MATT TOGETHER: EV’RYBODY’S GONNA DIE!

DUNBAR: Garian I will pay you well/If you make my cellmate’s life hell. EVILSIZER: He stole my axe again the other day/I was using it/The Warden said that I could have it/What gives him the right to go and TAKE MY DARLING AXE AWAY? DUNBAR: And ev’ry day here is the same!

DUNBAR AND MATT TOGETHER: WE DO NOT EXAGGERATE! DUNBAR: It drives me totally insane!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 20.

MATT: Makes me feel like I’m drownin’/drownin’/drownin’/drownin’...

DUNBAR AND MATT TOGETHER: WHY DID WE GET ON THAT BOAT? (end of song) DRIZZIT: That’s what I’m sayin’! Garian is back! DUNBAR: Well, shit! I’d better get to the cafe before he decides to get pissed again and start trashing the place!

MATT: I’d better get back to my cell before he lets himself in and nicks all my chocolate! EVILSIZER: And I’d better go and practise reciting the new poem I want to read out to him! (sigh) Nobody understands my inner literary talent! They only see the axe murderer!

DRIZZIT: Let’s meet up later once Garian captures us all for the hell of it! (exit all. Enter GARIAN, a manly bounty hunter with spiky blonde hair, partial plate armour and a jagged sword. He runs across the stage but spies the Love Love Mini Racer arcade machine and stops at it. He grabs the controller and starts playing. After a few seconds, BUTCH’S SISTER runs on stage, spies him, squeals like a pig and runs after him trying to embrace him. He screams in terror and runs off the stage.) SCENE 2 (The outside location between the JLO headquarters and the area above the bilanium vat, a grassy area full of trees. A chocolate bar rests in the bough of one of the trees. GARIAN runs on.) GARIAN: Hey, you guys (looks at audience)you’re new. At least I haven’t seen you before. I’m Garian. I’m a world class bounty hunter. I’ve captured such dangerous monsters as Bilan, Duke Mercator and the Dinosaur of Dinosaur Island. But I’m not here to hunt for (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 21.

GARIAN: (cont’d) criminals or monsters. I’ve found myself something... more valuable to hunt for. (’Lonesome Soldier: Theme of Garian’ starts up.) I’ve hunted for the heart/The lies and now the truth/I’ve hunted monsters, ten in swift succession/My heart’s not satisfied/It’s heard too many lies/Even the truth is but another question. Where’s Parallel Six, my friend?/When will my journey truly end?/Where’s Parallel Six, my dear?/Why does each day feel like a year?/Daylight draws near, ev’rything else fades away/Parallel Six is calling! Sometimes its hard to find/A little peace of mind/There can be no respite even in slumber/The tension is too much/I could reach out and touch/Perfection but for want of one more number. For Parallel Six I live/All that has been done I forgive/The gates of the End shall rise/And we shall enter paradise/Parallel Six, I’m coming home to you now/I’ll be with you forever! (song fades) So... (points sword at audience)have YOU seen Parallel Six? No? Well, if you do find it, be sure to tell me. It means more to me than life itself. You see, the first five parallels are an endless cycle of nightmare reincarnation for me. I just wake up on the boat, come here, do what I need to do, leave, wake up on the boat again. But if I can find Parallel Six, I can leave! We can all leave! In fact, we’ll do more than leave, it’ll be the true ending, the perfect clear, the moment of revelation where this all starts to make sense, the...! (DRIZZIT walks on) DRIZZIT: Hi, Garian! GARIAN: Gaah, who is it? (swings sword around, almost hitting DRIZZIT, who jumps back) Oh, its you.

DRIZZIT: Garian, I’ve got something to tell you... GARIAN: What, did you find Parallel Six?

DRIZZIT: No, but...

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 22.

GARIAN: Oh, what a shame. Would you mind dying? I want to see what happens if you die in Parallel 2.

DRIZZIT: Garian, there’s some kind of monster loose in Deadman’s Castle! GARIAN: Monster? But Bilan is dead! And you’re not a monster yet... that must mean... yes, that’s right... DRIZZIT: Quick, its eating people! It already ate my cell mate! Its after me too!

GARIAN: SOMETHING NEW HAS HAPPENED! (theme starts up again at chorus) To Parallel Six, I go!/What will happen then, God only knows!/I know only this: it’s real/What the final curtain conceals/I can see you only a moment away/Parallel Six, I’m coming! (song fades) (exit GARIAN, waving his sword and still humming something about Parallel 6, DRIZZIT running after him. Seconds later, a shower of blue roses falls from the sky, optionally also showering the audience, to the ’Kay Jingle’ theme. KAY, a ninja in a blue silk ninja outfit, appears at the balcony from behind a tree. ’Lavian Rose: Theme of Kay’ starts playing as she jumps down.) KAY: Truth engraved upon a silver ring/Like a fire consuming ev’rything/Pure as water and as strong as steel/Love is real/Love can heal/Love is real/Love can heal... My love for you, Parallel 6/Will conquer all, Parallel 6/I was born to be beside you for all of time/And time is meaningless in Parallel 6. I yearn for you, Parallel 6/I burn for you, Parallel 6/Ev’ry night I dream that I have found you at last/I wish that I could just remember how. Reality is illusion/Just designed to spread confusion/Possibility is without bounds/What was lost/Can be found/What was lost/Can be found...

I’ll search again, Parallel 6/Ignore the pain, (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 23.

KAY: (cont’d) Parallel 6/I don’t know exactly how long I’ve been going on/It must be twenty years/Much longer I fear. So here’s to you, Parallel 6/And once again, Parallel 6/Hidden in the darkness in the gap beyond space/Sideways from time as well, but still Parallel. (Song fades. DRIZZIT runs past, screaming.)

DRIZZIT: ITS A MONSTER! HELP! KAY: Hm? A monster? (looks around) There shouldn’t be a monster here! Bilan’s dead and Drizzit hasn’t turned into a monster yet! That must mean... that must mean... (jumps off the balcony, landing perfectly in a very ninja-like manner) Something new is happening! (song starts again from the chorus) I’ll follow you, Parallel 6/Into the dark, Parallel 6/Don’t know where I’m going but I’m sure to find out/What am I waiting for, there’s Parallel 6! (KAY runs off the stage in the same direction as GARIAN as the song fades out again)

Scene 3 (The secret laboratory in Deadman’s Castle. A desk with a computer showing a screensaver of a DNA strand, a set of strange chemistry apparatus and a pile of textbooks is in one corner of the room. A vat of green goo is in the other. DOC, a blue-skinned being in a yellow toga, paces around the room.) DOC: Hm, the localised spatiotemporal continuum certainly seems to be disrupted today! I wonder what’s affecting it so violently! (walks to the vat of goo) Well, let me see here, the Bilanium levels seem to be normal! (walks to the computer and waggles the mouse) Kurtliegen hasn’t been altering all the clocks in the building to serve his idle whims again! He’s busy having his dinner... hello, what are Garian and Kay doing? That’s different to what they normally do! They’ll destabilise the Parallels, the hooligans! What ARE they doing anyway? They’re coming this way! Oh, I do hope they don’t go into the lab! They’ll break everything again! (starts running from one end of the lab to the other, typing on the

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 24.

computer and dismantling the equipment) Lock all the doors! Put away everything breakable! (as he runs to the door, the MONSTER runs in, knocking him over. It looks like a dinosaur. ’Destruction’ starts playing, loudly at first, then very quietly in the background. DOC exclaims in surprise and crawls out of the way as the MONSTER runs to the middle of the stage and begins roaring and looking threatening.) Monster! There you are! How did you get out? (the MONSTER continues roaring. DOC tries to push him off the stage but fails.) You can’t just wander around wherever you please! You aren’t quite finished yet! Nobody’s supposed to know about you until you’re complete! What if I get into trouble with the Warden? (MONSTER pushes him back and continues roaring.) Oh well, at least I know I created a viable life form this time. And look how big and powerful you are! But you don’t obey my orders! You’re no use for guarding the island if you can’t obey orders! (MONSTER pushes him out of the way and wanders over to the computer.) NO! Don’t touch that! Its expensive equipment! (DOC tries to grab his arm and pull him back, but the MONSTER pushes him away again. He sits down at the chair and starts playing Love Love Mini Racer. The music fades out.) G... goodness me! You’re intelligent as well? I... I’ve created intelligent life! I’m a genius! A genius, I say! Look everyone, I’ve created the perfect monster! And with it, I shall rule the world! (evil laughter) (Sword’s Theme from Climax Landers starts playing.) I am a genius/I can prove it thus/With the monsters I create, are you impressed?/I have to confess/I surprise myself/With the progress I am making/

My one ambition/And my life’s mission/I want to take this world apart! I’ll take the sun apart/I’ll take the moon apart!/I want to see what it looks like inside/I’ll take the day apart and take the night apart/I want to take the whole Universe apart! I am a scientist/It does not exist/If I cannot measure it but I’ll persist/Nothing can I prove/Or even disprove/But I can make darn good progress today/

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 25.

In my endeavour/I’ll work forever/I want to take this world apart! I’ll take the sun apart/I’ll take the moon apart!/I want to see what it looks like inside/I’ll take the day apart and take the night apart/I want to take the whole Universe apart! (song fades. DOC looks around. The MONSTER is doing really well on Love Love Mini Racer.) Hey, stop beating my high score! Stop it NOW! That’s not funny! I didn’t create you so you could beat my high score! You’re supposed to be helping me rule the world! Hey, stop ignoring me! Hmph! (DOC stalks off. The MONSTER carries on playing his game. Five seconds later, DOC comes back on stage, carrying an ornate silver platter. He opens it, revealing a plate full of radioactive green goo.) Oh, monster! I’ve got your favourite food! Its Bilanium! Purest high-grade Bilanium mined from a local vein! As recommended by Bilan himself! (The MONSTER turns around, sniffs the air, roars again, walks towards DOC and grabs the food, wolfing it down in one gulp. A cage drops on him.) HAH! Got you! You’re not that intelligent, hm? (The MONSTER roars furiously and rattles the cage bars.) You’re not getting out until you agree to do my bidding! You’re my monster, I created you and you will fit the purpose I created you for or you will be destroyed as the faulty machine that you are! Now I’m going to go away and think about what adjustments I should make to you! Maybe some kind of cybernetic neural implants would keep you in order! (exit DOC. The MONSTER sits down and sighs.)

MONSTER: I can talk as well, but I’m not telling that unethical bastard that. In fact, not only can I talk and play video games... I can sing! (’Twinkle Circuit’ from Sonic Adventure starts playing) I am grateful that you created me/I do not agree that I shouldn’t be/I just wish you would give me a name/For the High Score table on this game/

I was not born on the Game Over Screen/I’m not just a stored HP machine/No I’ve got emotions too and I’m not curious/Don’t wanna see what I look like on the inside/I’d rather play Virtual Hydlide/All of this vivisection makes me furious/I am alive and I want to stay that way!

(MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 26.

MONSTER: (cont’d) I am not a monster I am a man/I can think and feel just like you can/I have done nothing wrong, I never fail/Why the hell do I have to live in jail?

I wish that I was a bird so I could fly away though the sky is stormy I know that I could make it if I only try again/Why don’t you redesign me so I have wings, it might just be interesting and I know that I really mean something to you, because/You are my father and you created me! (song fades. GARIAN runs in.) GARIAN: There’s the monster! (points his sword at the MONSTER). So it really does exist! I bet I’ll get a handsome price for capturing this at the Agency! I can use it as proof that Kurtliegen’s running some kind of illegal operation on this Island and then I can get it shut down! (comedy Windoze system alert noise) Fortunately for me, its already in a cage! Now, if I can only lift it! (tries to lift the cage over his head, but can’t even lift it up off the ground) Hnng! What’s wrong here? I’ve lifted more implausible objects over my head without damaging them! (the MONSTER laughs at him) You can shut up already! (KAY appears in a flourish of blue roses as Kay’s Kingle plays) Kay!

KAY: Oh, there’s the monster. What’s it doing to that poor animal in the cage? GARIAN: Kay! Its me! Garian! From your dream!

KAY: Oh, the dream where you make me lose my concentration and lose my grip and fall into that vat of Bilanium over there? (points to vat of green goo)

GARIAN: Um... that’s the one! KAY: And the one where you try and carry me around a prison island strapped to an elecrtric chair on your head? GARIAN: I was rescuing you!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 27.

KAY: And then got me into a situation where I was forced to set myself on fire? GARIAN: Stop spoiling the game to the audience! KAY: Is there any possibility of me going on a date with you where I don’t die horribly?

GARIAN: Um... maybe in Parallel 6? KAY: (gets him in a headlock with surprising ease) You know about Parallel 6? GARIAN: AAARGH! Let me go, you crazy psycho ninja lady!

KAY: And you didn’t tell me? GARIAN: You never asked!

KAY: Confess everything now or I shall visit upon you exactly the amount of pain visited upon me every time I come to this stupid island! WHERE... IS... PARALLEL... SIX?

GARIAN: Look, I don’t know, okay? I have no more idea than anyone else on this godforsaken island! I spend every single day of my life searching and I’m no closer than when I began! I... I hoped that the monster would lead me to Parallel Six... or at least to something new happening... but there’s nothing I can do here! I can’t lift the cage, I can’t unlock the door, I can’t do anything! I can never do anything to change my fate!

KAY: Here, let me try. Ninjas are better at picking locks than bounty hunters. MONSTER: Doc’s got the key. You could just go and kill him. I think he went to his study. Its the third door on the left. GARIAN: (jumps back) AARGH, THE MONSTER TALKED!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 28.

MONSTER: Why are you being so uncivil? I’m trying to help you! GARIAN: How can I trust you? You’re a monster! Monsters eat people! MONSTER: Its of mutual benefit to us if you set me free, isn’t it? I get to leave this cage and you get whatever you hope to gain by opening the cage. You’ve been trying for the last fifteen minutes! KAY: Garian, are you even sure that opening this cage will trigger Parallel 6? Its just a monster in a cage.

MONSTER: I hear Doc talking about Parallel 6 sometimes. He did his PhD on the subject. I could tell you where his lecture notes are! Of course, being in this cage is kinda distressing for me and its affecting my memory. I might be able to remember better if you free me! KAY: I think we should do as he says, Garian. We can probably overpower him between us if he betrays us and it never hurts to brutally murder Doc. GARIAN: I guess you’re right. (Brandishes his sword and runs screaming a battle cry out of the room. KAY follows him, to the battle theme of Dark savior. There are sounds of fighting in the background. Ten seconds later, DOC runs in screaming, followed by GARIAN and KAY, who jump on top of him and drag him back again.) DOC: I surrender! Don’t kill me, I’m too intelligent to die! What is it you want of me?

GARIAN: You’re going to open that cage now! DOC: What, the monster’s cage? But you’ll release the monster!

GARIAN: Yeah, that’s kinda the idea!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 29.

DOC: But he’ll run out of control and kill everyone on the island! KAY: He said he’d tell us about Parallel 6! DOC: What? Monsters can’t talk! You two must be completely insane! You need professional help!

MONSTER: Don’t trust him! He’s just mad at me ’cause I beat him at Love Love Mini Racer! GARIAN: He just spoke again! That was NOT in my head! I can tell the difference between the voices in my head and real voices! The voices in my head only tell me to stab people! DOC: Okay, okay, I’ll admit it, my monster is intelligent! But be warned - it knows a terrible secret! If you listen to it, it will seduce you with its lies and drive you insane with the forbidden knowledge! KAY: Terrible secret? Cool! Garian, it might be about Parallel 6! Let’s ask it! DOC: Nooo! I’m warning you, this is your last chance!

GARIAN: Hey, monster, what’s the terrible secret? MONSTER: Well, its funny that you should ask!

DOC: Please don’t tell them! I’ll give you anything! Chocolate! Bottles! Magazines! Anything! GARIAN: Is it about Parallel 6? MONSTER: It is! You see, the thesis... DOC: I’ll get you a job as a prison guard! A real job! With a salary! MONSTER: The thesis was written by me, not him! He plagiarised it! He stole my glory!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 30.

KAY: What? I’ll report you to the Lavian academic council! You’re a disgrace to scientists everywhere!

DOC: No! They’ll strip away my title! I’ll never be able to look the world in the eye again! Kurtliegen will fire me! if I’m lucky... he’ll probably feed me to the bears!

GARIAN: Wait a minute... if you wrote an entire thesis on Parallel 6, you must know at least something about where it is! Why don’t you at least tell us? You can’t just make such an accusation without any proof!

MONSTER: Okay, I’ll tell you everything I know! KAY: Try and make it brief, I don’t actually want to sit through an entire thesis. MONSTER: Okay, I’ll summarise it for you. You see, I never did actually find out where Parallel 6 is...

GARIAN: Oh great! MONSTER: If I did, do you think I’d be sitting around here in a cage with an unethical scientist when I could be in Parallel 6? GARIAN: You have a point! MONSTER: I did find an important lead, though. GARIAN: Tell us! MONSTER: You have to ask Tracy. GARIAN: What? MONSTER: I just said, you have to speak to Tracy! She sees visions of our future and our destiny, so she’s the most likely to know how to trigger Parallel 6!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 31.

GARIAN: Why don’t you know how to trigger Parallel 6? MONSTER: Why the hell would I know, I’m just a dinosaur! KAY: ... did you actually pass your degree with that thesis?

DOC: No. If I had passed my degree, do you think I’d be working on this godforsaken prison island when I could get a real job? GARIAN: Oh, forget it. Kay, where is your sister right now? KAY: I have no idea. GARIAN: I thought you could sense her presence with your ninja powers! KAY: Oh, that only works when she’s in range. She’s always getting locked in small cupboards where there’s a lousy signal. GARIAN: We’ll just have to search around the island a little. Let’s go! (exit GARIAN and KAY) MONSTER: Hey, aren’t you going to let me out of this cage? DOC: I really hope they didn’t break anything... Scene 4 (Kurtliegen’s office at night. A fairly normal office with a large cupboard, a filing cabinet and a desk. On the desk is an extravagant collection of guillotines. JOHN, a prisoner with a bushy black beard, is doing some filing. He is humming the Love Love Mini Racer song when Kurtliegen walks in.)

KURTLIEGEN: Who’s there?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 32.

JOHN: Hm? (flinches, startled) Aaargh! W... Warden! I was just doing the filing like you asked me to!

KURTLIEGEN: John, do you have any idea what time it is? JOHN: Um... hm... is it still 1952?

KURTLIEGEN: No, John, it isn’t. It is in fact 2012, to be precise, it is four in the morning! JOHN: Oh! I forgot to eat breakfast again.

KURTLIEGEN: Why are you in my office doing the filing at four in the morning? JOHN: I... well, Warden, you know how easily I lose track of time. Is it really 2012 already? KURTLIEGEN: John, exactly how long have you been on this Island now? And I want a logically possible answer this time! JOHN: I told you, sir, infinite years! Its perfectly logically possible given the way time works on this island. Or doesn’t work. At least half the time has been the same day over and over! Most of it hasn’t been in the same parallel... KURTLIEGEN: John, you may be a model prisoner but this infinite years business is really starting to annoy me. JOHN: I’m not the one who gave me an indefinite life sentence, sir! I intend to do my entire sentence so that I’ve got a clear conscience and can go back into society and have a fresh start! KURTLIEGEN: ... in infinite years’ time. JOHN: Sir? KURTLIEGEN: Ye... esssss?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 33.

JOHN: Why are YOU in your office at four in the morning? KURTLIEGEN: Nefarious plotting and dark deeds that can only be done at the dead of night! JOHN: Oh... do you need the filing cabinet for that?

KURTLIEGEN: John, do you know what’s going to happen in three days? JOHN: The grand opening of the prison, sir, wouldn’t miss it for the world! KURTLIEGEN: Not exactly, John... wait, you were here before the prison opened?

JOHN: Yes, sir! Your great great grandfather put me in the castle dungeon for mis-shoeing his prize horse! I must say, sir, its nice not to be chained to a wall in a damp room full of rats and skulls!

KURTLIEGEN: Don’t. Tempt. Me. (with a flamboyant sweep of his cloak, he settles into his high-backed executive leather swivel chair and watches in fascination as paper is fed through one of his guillotines) No, John, in three days time, the President of Climax Japan will arrive at Jailer’s Island. JOHN: President Shinpei Harada? He’s a nice chap, he is! I was presented to him when I was a boy scout! KURTLIEGEN: The CURRENT President, John. And when he comes, we must give him a... fitting reception! GUH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA IHEE IHEE IHEE! (’Intrigue’ begins to play.) So cruel and unusual/The fate I intend for all/Abandon hope all who come here, its the point of no return!/The shore is million miles away from this lonely isle/Nobody will care about you, nobody to watch you burn! No time for salvation/No need to repent/Death is the world’s exile!/Eternal damnation/Will exonerate you/Resistance is futile!

(MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 34.

KURTLIEGEN: (cont’d) The light fades away to black/This time there’s no going back/Nothing in this world can save you from the fate that you have earned/An angel with broken wings/Fallen for the song it sings/Pray to your own Dark Messiah, this is hell and you will burn! No time for salvation/No need to repent/Death is the world’s exile!/Eternal damnation/Will exonerate you/Resistance is futile! (Song fades. JOHN looks confused, then starts clapping.) JOHN: Masterful, sir! I didn’t know you had such a poetic soul!

KURTLIEGEN: Why, of course, I come from a family with refined musical tastes! My grandfather used to take me to the Opera to see Wagner every weekend!

JOHN: I’ve met him! He didn’t like me. KURTLIEGEN: Not actually the composer himself, John...

JOHN: No, I meant your grandfather. Wagner and I were best friends. KURTLIEGEN: One of these days I’ll find proof that you’re just making all of this up and I’ll have you hanged from the crane in the Bilanium mine. JOHN: Ooh, there’s a lovely view up there! J.J. tied me by my ankles from it last week! KURTLIEGEN: Now that you’ve completely ruined any vestige of dramatic tension, I may as well just... (walks up to the cupboard, tries to open the door but it is locked, rattles it, pulls a key from the large collection on the chain on his belt and unlocks it. TRACY falls out unconscious to her theme tune.) Oh, bugger. (KURTLIEGEN tries to push TRACY back into the cupboard but fails hilariously)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 35.

JOHN: Warden! Who’s that girl! KURTLIEGEN: What girl? (stands in front of cupboard defensively) JOHN: The girl in that cupboard you’re standing in front of!

KURTLIEGEN: What cupboard? Go away or I’ll lock you in the filing cabinet! JOHN: Warden, you know normally I wouldn’t bother you about stuff when you want to drop the issue, but... that girl’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life! Can I marry her? KURTLIEGEN: ... I beg your pardon? JOHN: I want to marry her! HEY, GIRL, WILL YOU MARRY ME? KURTLIEGEN: Ssssh! Someone might hear y... oh, bugger, too late. KAY (OFFSTAGE): My sister! My sister’s this way! My ninja senses are tingling!

GARIAN (OFFSTAGE): Oh, great! That’s the way to the Warden’s office! We might get to beat the crap out of the Warden! KURTLIEGEN: Mummy!

JOHN: Its okay, Warden, I’ll protect you! (stands defensively in front of KURTLIEGEN and TRACY) I have to protect my future bride as well! (KAY and GARIAN walk in) GARIAN: She’s there! In that cupboard behind the Warden!

KAY: You! How dare you lock my sister in a cupboard! JOHN: What cupboard?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 36.

KURTLIEGEN: He made me do it! (points to JOHN) He’s mutineering! He’s holding the entire prison hostage! (TRACY suddenly stands up, hits KURTLIEGEN on the head and knocks him unconscious, pushes JOHN out of the way and falls into KAY’s arms.) KAY: Tracy! My dear sister!

JOHN: No! Don’t leave me! GARIAN: Why the hell do you keep getting locked in small rooms? TRACY: W... KAY: What’s that, sister? Something beginning with W? GARIAN: Wii? Parallel 6 is on the upcoming Wii version of Dark Savior?

TRACY: Wide open spaces! I hate them! I... I get so scared... all the rooms are so big... so I keep finding places to hide... and then Kurtliegen locks me in them!

GARIAN: Whaaaaat? You suffer from agoraphobia? KAY: Oh, it all makes sense now! Ever since my sister was little... she’s always been most comfortable in small enclosed spaces. She was always travelling the world to look for places where she could feel comfortable... phone boxes... cupboards... prisons... then one day she accidentally fell into the TARDIS and became quantumly nonlocal...

JOHN: Don’t worry, miss, I’ll protect you! Now the Warden is dead, you’re the only person left in my life! KURTLIEGEN: I’m not dead! (KURTLIEGEN stands up. TRACY punches him in the face and knocks him out again.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 37.

GARIAN: Tracy, there’s something very important you must tell us.

TRACY: Its true, Garian, Kay and you were destined to be together! GARIAN: Not that! I don’t care about stupid girls! I want to know where Parallel 6 is! KAY: Hey! TRACY: Oh, that. Well... the visions I have of Parallel 6 are always hazy... it is the most privelaged information, Universal cosmic truths that mortals should not wot of... but this I can tell you...

GARIAN: Yes? TRACY: I see a stranger on a long journey across the sea...

GARIAN: Oh God, not that boat again! Why can’t it just sink? TRACY: No, not the boat... not you... a new visitor! A person who has never been to this island before! He is the key to our destiny! He shall unlock Parallel 6! But he is in deadly danger! Protect him, Garian, protect him or we are all doomed... oh god... room too big... head spinning... (TRACY falls unconscious in KAY’s arms.)

KAY: Damn, not again. I’ll have to get her to a place of safety. You go on ahead. GARIAN: But... who is this mysterious visitor? What danger is he in? How do I protect him? Just like the entire plot of Dark Savior, even answers just lead to a thousand more questions... (Lights fade. KAN NAITO’s helicopter appears in the background. Dark Savior intro music from Parallels 1 and 3 starts up as helicopter flies towards island, culminating in a close-up of island with the words ’Parallel 6?: The Hunt for Parallel 6.’) 38.

ACT 4 Scene 1 (Deadman’s Castle, the arcade room. DEBOSE is playing Love Love Mini Racer. DUNBAR, MATT, DRIZZIT and EVILSIZER are setting up their instruments. They start to play the Love Love Mini Racer theme.)

DUNBAR: Saved by Dark Savior! I was saved by Dark Savior! MATT: Saved by Dark Savior! That’s why I sometimes do not save!

DEBOSE: (interrupting the song) Shut the hell up! Can’t you see I’m trying to play? MATT: But guv’nor, we’re trying to play too! DUNBAR: Yeah, the Warden gave us permission! You can’t throw us out!

DEBOSE: Why do you have to play in the arcade room, where there are people doing important things that they need silence to concentrate on? Can’t you go and play somewhere else, like inside the carbon freeze chamber? MATT: We’re using Love Love Mini Racer as our inspiration! DEBOSE: Inspiration my arse! You’re doing this deliberately to annoy me, aren’t you? You’ve always had it in for me, with your refusing to join my cause and teaming up with Meg and this ’Monster’ character who beat all our high scores, whoever they are, probably one of Meg’s multiple personalities...

DUNBAR: I’ve told you before, we just want to stay neutral! DEBOSE: Neutral my arse! Nobody’s neutral in prison politics, my boy! DUNBAR: We are! We’re not getting ourselves killed in aid of your petty quabbles with Bruno!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 39.

DEBOSE: You boys really think that neutrality will stop you getting killed? Being neutral means you get attacked by both sides as often as not! What is there about you that’s so valuable you can use it as an excuse to be declared a non-combatant? What have you got to offer both sides? DUNBAR: Um...

MATT: Our music! DUNBAR: Yeah! Our music is a pure sine wave that cannot be stopped! DEBOSE: Whatever, man, you guys are only alive because you’re too petty to be of interest to anyone and you smell of toilets so nobody wants to get close enough to you to stab you. DRIZZIT: I knew there was a reason I volunteered for that toilet cleaning job!

DUNBAR: I thought that was because the Warden was holding your head down the toilet at the time. DEBOSE: If you don’t shut up and let me finish this level, you’re gonna wish you were back down there. (DEBOSE snorts in disgust, turns back to the machine and carries on playing.) Seriously, who the fuck is Monster? (JJ walks in) JJ, what the hell do you want here? You can’t even play Love Love Mini Racer, your hands can’t grip the controller! JJ: Sorry for interrupting you, Master DeBose, but your attention is urgently requested at Headquarters. DEBOSE: I specifically told you not to contact me until further notice except for the utmost emergency!

JJ: Bruno is stockpiling Bilanium! We found a huge stash of it in our last raid!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 40.

DEBOSE: JJ, that’s not an emergency, I don’t care! Its also not something you should be discussing in front of complete strangers! (motions to the four band members) DUNBAR: Uh, sorry! Do you want us to go somewhere else? DEBOSE: I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU TO DO THAT FOR HALF AN HOUR! JJ: Who are these clowns anyway? They smell like a toilet!

DEBOSE: They’re a bunch of annoying, useless, impertinent, moronic... DUNBAR: Bards! JJ: Pardon?

DUNBAR: We’re Legion of Qwerty, the new arrival on Jailer’s Island’s rock scene! JJ: Oh, musicians! (jumps up and down and waves his maracas) Go on! Do a song! DEBOSE: Please don’t... JJ: No! Do it! Now! (hits DUNBAR with his maracas) DUNBAR: Aargh! Have mercy! DRIZZIT: C’mon, we’d better do as he says! JJ is a violent psychopath! (The band start playing the Love Love Mini Racer theme again) DUNBAR: Saved by Dark Savior! I was saved by Dark Savior! MATT: Saved by Dark Savior! That’s why I sometimes do not save!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 41.

DUNBAR: Parallel 1 through Parallel 5 were the only thing that kept me alive.

MATT: Parallel 6 is the only thing that’s currently givin’ me hope for the future whatever life may throw at me. DUNBAR: Saved by Dark Savior! I was saved by Dark Savior!

MATT: Saved by Dark Savior! That’s why I sometimes do not save! DUNBAR: Sometimes the world just doesn’t make sense and sometimes my life just gets too intense. MATT: There is a place where I can always find solitude/interlude/Get on a boat to the sanctuary of my soul! (JJ starts clapping wildly, jumping up and down) JJ: Encore! Encore! (The band play the Love Love Mini Racer victory fanfare, which has no words. JJ sings along and cheers wildly when it finishes.)

DUNBAR: Thank you, thank you, our next concert will be in three days at Jailer’s Port where we’ll be performing live in front of the President of Climax Japan! JJ: Magnificent! You must become my personal bards! I’ll teach you the words to my own theme tune! I’ll get my cheerleading team to dance in the background! They perform other services too... MATT: Does Kubota perform other services as well? ’Cause I’ve always kinda fancied him... DUNBAR: Brother! Shut up! Don’t you remember our vow of political neutrality? You can’t agree to his terms, not even for the sexual favours of everyone on the island! EVILSIZER: ... even Kay?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 42.

JJ: Do you mean to say that you’re refusing my offer? DUNBAR: yup. JJ: I think we have a misunderstanding. You see, that was an offer you can’t refuse!

DUNBAR: No it ain’t. I just refused it. JJ: Right, I’ve had enough of your impudence! DeBose! (DEBOSE punches DUNBAR in the face and knocks him out. JJ hits MATT in the face with both maracas, also knocking him out. They run after DRIZZIT for a while before also overpowering him.) EVILSIZER: You won’t defeat me that easily! I’ve got an axe! And a wheelie bin! JJ: But if you don’t come with us, we can’t arrange you a date with Kay! EVILSIZER: Really? Oh, wow! I ain’t never been on a date before! I’d better compose a ballad expressing my love! Let me see... what rhymes with Axe?

JJ: You can think about it on the way there. Move it! (DEBOSE grabs MATT and DUNBAR and drags them offstage. JJ drags DRIZZIT offstage.)

EVILSIZER: A bit of help here if you please, guv’nor! I can’t get down the stairs on my own! (JJ and DEBOSE walk back in and wheel EVILSIZER off the stage.)

DEBOSE: I’m never gonna beat Meg’s high score, am I? Scene 2 (JJ’s headquarters in JJ City. DUNBAR, DRIZZIT, MATT and EVILSIZER stand in the middle of the stage with their instruments while cheerleaders flank them. They play JJ’s theme ’Dance on the Grave’.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 43.

DUNBAR: When I got out of the boat/And I walked onto the dock/He already had my vote/For my whole time on the rock/He was waiting at the bar/With a Jalapeno Juice/And he took me by the hand/And he told me the good news. MATT: Said I’m not just a banana/I’m more than a banana/I’m JJ the Banana and I rule the Universe!

DUNBAR: Well he’s stronger than Bilan/And he’s sexier than Kay/He can fight like Garian/And outbid him on eBay/By the Warden he is feared/For he’s cleverer than Jack/And he always perfect clears/Love Love Mini Racer tracks! MATT: He’s not just a banana/He’s more than a banana/He’s JJ the Banana and he rules the Universe.

DUNBAR: With his leadership divine/We can execute Plan D/And we’ll climb out of the mines/And we’ll finally be free/And the future will be bright/There’ll be singing in the streets/And we’ll dance into the night/And we shall not know defeat! MATT: He’s not just a banana/He’s more than a banana/He’s JJ the Banana and he rules the Universe! (Song fades. JJ applauds wildly.)

JJ: Bravo! A round of Jalapeno Juice on the house for these fine gentlemen! (The cheerleaders run offstage. After a while, they reappear with Jalapeno Juice bottles on silver platters for each of the four band members. Two of them try and be over-familiar with Dunbar, who doesn’t seem to be enjoying it much.) Everyone in the crowd loved your performance, didn’t you, crowd? Say yes or I’ll hit you with my maracas! See, everyone loves you here. Perform well for me and there’ll be free Jalapeno Juice every day! Aren’t you glad you joined me? DUNBAR: Um, well... its an okay life, I suppose, but... JJ: You aren’t happy? Its these cheerleaders, isn’t it? Some of them are getting a bit old... their beauty fades away so quickly... what am I to do? There just (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 44.

JJ: (cont’d) aren’t enough young, pretty guys going to jail any more...

DUNBAR: Um... I don’t really like being fondled by guys in bunny costumes... I also don’t like my audience being forced to cheer instead of giving me honest critical feedback... what’s more, if you feed my band any more booze, they’ll be too drunk to perform! We have to perform in front of the President of Climax Japan tomorrow! Do you have any idea what kinda of trouble we’ll be in if we screw it up? JJ: D’you want me to pull some strings, hm? The Warden owes me a favour. I can make the problem go away. I’m a magician like that! DUNBAR: Could you make the cheerleaders go away?

JJ: Oh, but they’re the most popular part of the show! Unless you can think of something better! EVILSIZER: I could put on the bunny costume instead! Can I? Please? Kubota is watching! JJ: What’s the point if we can’t see your ass?

EVILSIZER: You could unstrap me from this bin! DRIZZIT: What? You can come out of it? I thought you had no legs or were a cyborg or something!

EVILSIZER: No, the Warden put me in it to restrain me! DRIZZIT: How exactly? And from doing what? You can move your arms freely and you still have your axe! It doesn’t even impede your movement that much! EVILSIZER: I can’t perform ballet!

DRIZZIT: You... can’t... what? (’Friendship of Garian’ starts playing.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 45.

EVILSIZER: I used to be a professional ballet dancer! But the Warden punished me when I accidentally spilled his tea all over his desk! He said he would never let me dance again! Oh, how I miss flitting about as light as a feather, like a beautiful fairy! JJ: You don’t look like you’ve got the figure to be a ballet dancer!

EVILSIZER: This was twenty years ago! JJ: Oh... won’t you be a little out of practice by now?

EVILSIZER: That’s why I need you to unstrap me from this bin! I hoped one day to perform a private dance for Kubota that would woo his heart and make him mine forever! Oh, Kubota, my love, if only we had another life!

JJ: Oh, your story has moved my heart! I shall grant you freedom from this terrible machine! (JJ slowly removes all the clasps on Evilsizer’s wheelie-bin and it swings open. Evilsizer falls out.) Careful! You haven’t used your legs properly for twenty years, you might even need to relearn how to walk!

EVILSIZER: Its okay, I... I seem to be remembering... oh yes, its all coming back to me now... (Evilsizer stands up and suddenly starts pirrhouetting around the room like an expert ballet dancer.) Oh my, its been twenty years! I feel like I’m born again! Oh, Kubota, can you see me now? I love you, Kubota! DUNBAR: Wow! He’s never done that before! I mean, he’s barking mad, so you never know what he’s going to do, but this is something else! (KURTLIEGEN storms in) KURTLIEGEN: This is an outrage! What’s going on? DRIZZIT: Shit! The warden! Run!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 46.

DUNBAR: He’ll ruin Evilsizer’s dream! MATT: Hey, JJ, I thought you said you could make the Warden do whatever you wanted him to do ’cause you secretly run the nick! Make him go away! KURTLIEGEN: You Philistines! You degenerate barbarians! You can’t perform Ballet to this terrible racket! What we need here is some Wachenroder! (KURTLIEGEN holds up his arms and the music changes to Helder’s theme from Wachenroder. He stands there with his arms folded and his eyes closed, a strange expression of serenity on his face. They all watch EVILSIZER perform.) Oh, how beautiful! It reminds me of my childhood! (KURTLIEGEN tries to clap but fails due to his mechanical arm.) Damn this thing! EVILSIZER: You know, you could just take it off.

KURTLIEGEN: No! Never! Not until I become the true spirit of the Warden! DRIZZIT: The spirit... of the Warden? (’Decisive Battle’ starts up.) DUNBAR: Warden! MATT: Warden! DRIZZIT: Warden! EVILSIZER: Warden! KURTLIEGEN: I am one with this island/One with these walls/Spirit of the Warden/I hear your call.

The Spirit of the Warden is the key to ev’ry door/And when deletion walks beside you and your ev’ry word is law/You know the Spirit of the Warden has claimed you forevermore/And as a paladin of order you will stride the corridors

(MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 47.

KURTLIEGEN: (cont’d) Like a Paladin of order/Eternal warder/Paladin of order/Guarding the border/ DUNBAR: Warden, Warden! Guard us all eternally! MATT: Warden, Warden! Guard us all eternally!

KURTLIEGEN: I am one with this island/Body and soul/Spirit of the Warden/In perfect control. The Spirit of the Warden/Is the voice in the insanity/That stands for truth immutable and guides the way to clarity/The truth that you decided in your ultimate authority/To bring into existence upon pain of justice deletory. Deletory indelible and final, mandatory and prioritised above all. DUNBAR: Warden, Warden! Guard us all eternally! MATT: Warden, Warden! Guard us all eternally! KURTLIEGEN: I am one with this island, one with these walls/One with this island/Body and soul/One with this island, one with these walls/One with this island/Body and soul/One with this island, one with these walls/One with this island/Body and soul/WARDEN! (The band recover as if from a trance.) MATT: What the bloody hell? KURTLIEGEN: Who secretly runs this place, JJ? (JJ turns and runs offstage screaming. DRIZZIT falls to the floor and starts repenting his sins, which appear to be a very long list, in the background, largely inaudibly.) DUNBAR:

Seriously, what the bloody hell just happened. EVILSIZER: I’m really sorry, guv’nor. You see... I only told half of the story.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 48.

MATT: You been lying to us? EVILSIZER: The Warden did indeed lock me in that bin against my will as a punishment but it was not to stop me dancing forever. It was a cybernetic enhancement tool. MATT: A what? EVILSIZER: I was supposed to stay in it until I had become neurally attuned to it. At which time, I would be able to dance ten times as well. But I’m not very compatible with cybernetics, so it took me twenty years. KURTLIEGEN: My mechanical hand... is also such a tool. It isn’t just a claw that also shoots electricity. It is designed to help me become a better Warden. It is connected to a brain in a way that lets me commune with the true Spirit of the Warden! It also keeps me alive.

MATT: Have you gone nuts? KURTLIEGEN: I know, I know, I am not the best Warden right now, I am petty and corrupt and self-obsessed. But I am learning! Sometimes, you know, late at night, when I am polishing the carbon freeze machine, I get these flashes of rapturous insight! The Island tells me things! It has taken me years to realise, Matt, but I... I was never destined to be the political ruler of this island. It would make me a much worse man, it wouldn’t be what’s best for my beautiful island and I wouldn’t even enjoy it. I’m a born prison Warden, Matt, and this island is the perfect prison. MATT: Er... that’s... nice? (backs away slowly)

KURTLIEGEN: Tell nobody we had this conversation, Matt, or I will personally decapitate you.

EVILSIZER: Oh, can’t I do it? I’ve got an axe! MATT: Oh look, Kubota’s looking right at you!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 49.

EVILSIZER: What? Where? (as EVILSIZER looks around, MATT steals his axe and hits him over the head with the handle) Ow! You bastard! I’m gonna tear you a new one! KURTLIEGEN: Get back inside the bin, Evilsizer.

EVILSIZER: Yes, sir! (salutes and straps himself back into the bin) KURTLIEGEN: And rehearse for your concert! DUNBAR AND MATT TOGETHER: Yes warden! (Exit all apart from KURTLIEGEN.)

KURTLIEGEN: I do apologise, Mr. President, but this doesn’t change a thing between us! You’re still going to have to die! You know the reason, don’t you? I hope so. I hope you haven’t forgotten. I do hate it when a man dies without knowing why. Goodnight, Mr. President. (fade to black) Scene 3 (A cell in Deadman’s Castle. DUNBAR, MATT and DRIZZIT have bunks. The other is inhabited by INDIGO. They are all sleeping. Suddenly, the dark shadow of BRUNO appears. He silently sneaks up to DRIZZIT, clamps a hand over his mouth and drags him away offstage. Moments later, DUNBAR wakes up.)

DUNBAR: Guys! Guys, wake up! (everyone wakes up) MATT: What is it? DUNBAR: Its Drizzit! He’s gone! MATT: Oh my god! The door’s been forced open and... there’s a trail of blood! DUNBAR: Bilan! Its Bilan! He’s eaten Drizzit!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 50.

INDIGO: Its not Bilan! (yawns) The Bounty Hunter already killed Bilan in this parallel!

DUNBAR: The Bounty Hunter must have eaten Drizzit then! INDIGO: Nobody’s eaten anyone! It was Bruno, okay? Go back to sleep!

DUNBAR: What do you mean, it was Bruno? INDIGO: Bruno wasn’t happy about you breaking your vow of political neutrality and working for JJ so he decided to kill Drizzit as a warning to you. I suggest you don’t do it again in future. Don’t worry, JJ won’t mind, he’s still scared shitless by the way the Warden was acting last night.

DUNBAR: You knew this is going to happen? INDIGO: I know everything that’s going to happen.

DUNBAR: Why didn’t you fucking tell us? INDIGO: It was fate. I can’t interfere with the flow of the parallels. Once Garian gets on that boat, what’s fixed is fixed. DUNBAR: Don’t just spout mystical bullshit! This is my friend’s life we’re talking about! What’s gonna happen to the band? We’re down a bassist and we’re due to play tomorrow! INDIGO: If you must know, half a second later off the boat and we’d have gotten the bad ending.

MATT: If you know everything, you know who’s gonna play in our band! INDIGO: What makes you think you’re even going to be a success? DUNBAR: What?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 51.

INDIGO: You might all get eaten by the giant rat that lives in the sewers. Lance might randomly decide to slaughter us all in a Satanic ritual. Or... you might appear tomorrow with only three members, completely make a fool of yourselves in front of the President and be executed as a punishment for showing the Warden up. DUNBAR: You... you know, don’t you? Tell me the truth, Indigo, or by Jogurt I swear I’ll slit your throat! INDIGO: No you won’t. But I’ll tell you your future anyway, for free. The President’s going to die.

DUNBAR: WHAT? INDIGO: He’s going to be assassinated during the concert.

DUNBAR: Is... is there anything at all we can do to stop this from happening?

INDIGO: There’s one way. DUNBAR: Please tell me!

INDIGO: You could trigger the bad ending! DUNBAR: Anything apart from bringing about the absolute worst possible fate ever conceived?

INDIGO: You could trigger Parallel 6! DUNBAR: There is no fucking Parallel 6! We can’t walk through the stage, the unused music is from a stage that never got included in the game and the gap big enough for a sixth star is just a coincedence! The plot’s not supposed to have a true ending, that’s the point! INDIGO: If you believe that, you’re absolutely doomed beyond redemption! DUNBAR: I’d rather die than turn into one of these people searching constantly for this paradise that’s just (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 52.

DUNBAR: (cont’d) out of reach! If we had anything else to live for... if we were just allowed to pursue our dreams... if we didn’t all have to live on a fucking prison island for the rest of our miserable lives... we wouldn’t need Parallel 6! That’s why I want to form a band! So I can achieve something real! INDIGO: But your band won’t be successful. Not tomorrow, not ever. (’Hologram of Blue Rose’ plays in the background.) Tomorrow, the President of Climax Japan will be assassinated. Jailer’s Island will go into total lockdown. Forever. Unable to trace the whereabouts of the President, Climaxland will start to suspect everyone around them. Interplanetary politics will be thrown into turmoil. There’ll be war on a scale you can’t imagine. Climaxland will win the war, but at a terrible cost. Because of the cataclysmic chaos that follows, Landstalker will never be re-released on the PSP. There won’t be a world for your album to be a hit in, Dunbar, nothing you’d recognise as a world anyway. Not that we’d ever see the outside world again.

DUNBAR: You said the bad ending wasn’t going to happen! INDIGO: Believe me, the bad ending’s worse.

DUNBAR: Isn’t there anything we can do? INDIGO: Not in this parallel.

MATT: How do we change parallels? INDIGO: For someone who isn’t called Garian to change Parallels... you’d have to make a decision so cataclysmically different from the norm that the parallel just doesn’t make coherent sense any more in light of your actions. DUNBAR: Something... different? MATT: Hm... maybe that was what the Warden was trying to do...

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 53.

INDIGO: Quite possibly. He is looking for Parallel 6 too, you know. Everyone on the Island is except you.

DUNBAR: Something different... but what? INDIGO: I can’t tell you what to do, Dunbar. Whatever you decide to do, it’ll be outside my field of vision. But whatever you do, remember that you’re breaking things in order to set them correctly. There’s always a danger that you’ll break it entirely. If you have any suspicion whatsoever that what you’re doing will bring about the bad ending... stop it at once.

DUNBAR: How the fuck will I know? INDIGO: I don’t know. I’m sorry. It’ll feel wrong. But what you’re doing will feel wrong anyway. I sometimes suspect that Parallel 6 is a tiny fraction of an inch away from the Bad Ending, just one tiny trivial decision away. MATT: Dunbar? DUNBAR: Yes? MATT: Does this mean we can’t look for a new band member? DUNBAR: What do you mean? MATT: Well, if we have to do something really really different... looking for a band member is the normal thing that we would do right now. DUNBAR: I guess you’re right... no... no... hang on...

MATT: What? DUNBAR: We’re gonna find our new band member.

MATT: But I just said...

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 54.

DUNBAR: It doesn’t have to be a sensible choice! Scene 4 (The arcade room, Deadman’s Castle at night. The lights on the machine are still on. DEBOSE is playing Love Love Mini Racer. ’Rest of Soldier’ plays in the background. DUNBAR and MATT run in.)

DEBOSE: Can’t a guy even get some peace in the middle of the night? DUNBAR: Its us. DEBOSE: That doesn’t make it okay! You two really are out to stop me beating Meg’s score, aren’t you?

DUNBAR: Please, this is important! DEBOSE: Dunbar, its the middle of the night!

DUNBAR: I have to speak to Meg! DEBOSE: You WHAT?

DUNBAR: Please! Now! I haven’t got long! DEBOSE: Are you completely insane?

DUNBAR: Yes, I am! And I want to speak to Meg! Is that too much to ask? DEBOSE: She could kill you on a whim and there’s absolutely nothing anyone would be able to do to stop her! DUNBAR: Yes, I know! And I want to speak to her!

DEBOSE: Disturbing her sleep would be a good enough excuse for her to kill you, you know.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 55.

DUNBAR: She doesn’t sleep at night! None of you do! Besides, it won’t matter if I live or die by tomorrow! MATT: If we’re talking to her, she’ll be too busy to play Love Love Mini Racer, won’t she? DEBOSE: You... you have a point! Okay, if you promise to keep her busy until I beat her high score, I’ll try and wake her up for you. DUNBAR: Its a deal! (DEBOSE walks offstage.) You really have a way with people when you put your mind to it, you do! (DEBOSE walks back onstage with MEG, the only female prisoner on the island, who has black spiky hair and a spiked collar and wears a mini-skirt and sleeveless top.) DEBOSE: These’re the boys. MEG: Don’t recognise ’em. DEBOSE: Beneath your notice. Couple a punks. (goes back to playing his game)

MEG: Heard you two wanted me for something. Better be worth my time. DUNBAR: Please, please... my band’s down a player and we perform tomorrow morning! Can you join us? Just for one day? Please? MEG: What’d he play?

DUNBAR: Bass. But you don’t have to play bass. Most of the songs don’t really need a bassline. I can change the setlist.

MEG: I ain’t musical. DUNBAR: You’re better than nobody! Please! I’ll pay with my life. I’ll pay with anything!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 56.

MEG: They Dark Savior songs? DUNBAR: Yes, most of them. Some are from Shining Force, some from Landstalker and... MEG: You like Dark Savior?

DUNBAR: I’d have topped myself by now if I didn’t! MEG: You finished it yet?

DUNBAR: Yes, hundreds of times! MEG: No, y’haven’t. (turns and walks to the edge of the stage) I don’t wanna play. But my brother plays bass. I’ll ask him for you. DUNBAR: Oh, thank you! Thank you, my angel! MEG: Angel of mercy, more like. Listen, the entire prison fears me like I’m the devil, but compared to my brother, I’m a saint. My evil don’t shine a candle to his dark star. I’m the Lucas to his Claus. Do you understand? MATT: I thought you got on well with your brother!

MEG: Never said I didn’t like him! DUNBAR: I understand. And I don’t care. Tell him... tell him I need a Dark Savior.

MEG: Geez, he’s not Carbon Garian! I’ll see what he has to say. Dee, just give up. DEBOSE: Never! (MEG walks offstage.) MATT: Dunbar?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 57.

DUNBAR: What? MATT: I’m scared. DUNBAR: Don’t be an idiot! You’re supposed to be the elder brother!

MATT: But they’re mass murderers! They’re way out of our league! Everyone knows not to talk to the Carbon Freeze guys! DUNBAR: They’re less scary than the bad ending! SEAN (OFFSTAGE): You sure about that? (SEAN walks onstage.)

MATT: AAAARGH! (hides behind DUNBAR) SEAN: My sister says you wanted me for something. DUNBAR: Yeah, would you like to play in our band? We need a bassist.

SEAN: What’re you singing? DUNBAR: Dark Savior music.

MATT: And some Shining Force music. DUNBAR: And some Climax Landers music.

MATT: Maybe some Landstalker music. SEAN: You know my sister’s theme tune?

DUNBAR: Does it go (sings first three bars of ’Meg’ from Dark Savior)?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 58.

SEAN: Yeah, that’s the one. Play the whole thing. If you get it right, I’ll help you. If you don’t... Meg’s been wanting to get the Carbon Freeze machine working for a while now. We were fast asleep when it stopped working. We were having nice dreams. We think we have it working, but we need to test it on someone. Do you understand? DUNBAR: We understand, guv’nor. SEAN: Don’t call me that. I’m not the Warden. He has worldly authority. We rule over another realm entirely. He can send whoever he wants over the River Styx, but once they get to the Underworld, they’re ours. Do not fail me, Dunbar, or you’ll find out why they say that the state of Carbon Freeze is a place of eternal nightmare. (Fade to black. When the spotlight comes on over DUNBAR and MATT, they have guitars and MEG has a microphone. They play Meg’s theme while she sings.) MEG: My name is Meg/My name is Meg/Rafael Lansky I/My name is Meg/My name is Meg/She who can never die/Angel without mercy in this cold forgotten underworld where everybody goes/Everybody dies/I will have your souls/Fear my legacy/Fear my destiny/Fear the day when I once again rise in majesty/Rise victorious/Rise and walk through the wasteland I create/Follow me hither/Follow me now/Follow me hither/Follow me now/Parallel Zero//Follow me hither/Follow me now/Follow me hither/Follow me now/To this end I made/Dark Savior made a world for me/All destiny will end with me.

My name is Meg/My name is Meg/Rafael Lansky I/My name is Meg/My name is Meg/Who can eternal lie/I have watched the cycle so eternal, thinks its so eternal/Everything will end/Everything will die/I will be the last/Through the corridors/Through the parallels/Through the empty rooms where I will reign eternally/Make a world for me/Make a world that will continue over and over/Over and over/Over and over/I have found Dark Savior/Over and over/Over and over/Over and over/In our darkest hour/Dark Savior made a world for me/Completed is my destiny/

Dark Savior made a world for me/Dark Savior made a world for me/My name is Meg/My name is Meg/Rafael Lansky I (The song fades out. Everything goes deathly silent.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 59.

SEAN: Well, sister? Are you satisfied? (more silence)

MEG: They will suffice. After all, there may be no-one else. SEAN: Then it is decided. I will leave my frozen throne and venture out into the world of the living. MEG: Be back soon. It’ll be lonely without you. DeBose never comes to play any more and Blade... well, you know what robots are like.

SEAN: If I were you, I’d watch your high score. MEG: What? (turns to the arcade machine) YOU BASTARD!

SEAN: We should leave now. If they fight, they won’t care about collateral damage. (SEAN, DUNBAR and MATT leave the room. The other two play two-player competitive for a while.) MEG: ... Dee?

DEBOSE: What? Shut up and concentrate. MEG: Who is Monster?

DEBOSE: I have no idea. I venture into the world of the living almost as little as you two do. It isn’t really worth it for me any more. MEG: D’you think those two will make it out there? DEBOSE: To be honest, I’m not even sure what they’re trying to do. Did you know that they’re not looking for Parallel Six?

MEG: That’s what they claim, yeah. (pause) I ain’t looking for Parallel Six either.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 60.

DEBOSE: But you’re looking for a Sixth Parallel. MEG: The first parallel. Parallel Five is the sixth. Parallel Zero is the first. DEBOSE: Wouldn’t that just mean being back on the boat?

MEG: How d’you know Parallel Six doesn’t happen on the boat? DEBOSE: We’ll find out one day, Meg, I swear we will. Then we can leave these idiots behind for good. MEG: Dee? DEBOSE: What now? I’m trying to play. MEG: It don’t matter about Monster any more.

DEBOSE: What do you mean? MEG: Kurtliegen just beat his high score. 61.

ACT 5 Scene 1

(Jailer’s Port, outside Ponno’s Jalapeno Cafe. The port has been thoroughly cleaned up and decorated in preparation for the President’s arrival. The Jailer’s Island flag, a kind of yin-yang with three swirls, flies overhead and a banner that says ’Welcome President Kan Naito’ adorns the top of the Devil’s Prison entrance. DUNBAR, MATT, EVILSIZER and SEAN play the final battle theme from Shining Force 2.) DUNBAR: Hail to the President!

MATT: A holy man! DUNBAR: Hail to the President, to the President!

MATT: Long live Climax Japan! DUNBAR: Hail to the President! MATT: Praise be his name! DUNBAR: Hail to the President, to the President! MATT: Praise be! Climax Japan! DUNBAR: HAIL! MATT: HAIL! DUNBAR: HAIL! HAIL! HAIL TO THE PRESIDENT! (Music fades. KURTLIEGEN walks on stage flanked by two smart-looking guards.) KURTLIEGEN: Jailer’s Island formally welcomes the President Kan Naito to our humble establishment! Blessed be the President in the eyes of Jogurt! (KURTLIEGEN bows an elaborate bow as KAN NAITO walks onstage.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 62.

KAN NAITO: Thank you, thank you. A wonderful rendition of the traditional song! KURTLIEGEN: Ah yes, our prison band. These young fellows... what do you call yourselves again? DUNBAR: Legion of Qwerty, guv’nor.

KURTLIEGEN: Legion of... is that supposed to be some kind of pun on my name? MATT: Well, you’re a folk legend in the black metal community, sir! You’re considered the new Demon King Nole! KURTLIEGEN: Ahem... yes, indeed! Legion of Qwerty is the newest success of my experimental vocational programme! MATT: AAAAAAAAAAARGH! NOT THE EXPERIMENTS! (KURTLIEGEN surreptitiously stands on Matt’s foot.)

KURTLIEGEN: I am sorry about Matt, he must have forgotten to take his pills again, the poor boy! KAN NAITO: Do you boys know your National Anthem? DUNBAR: You bet’cha, guv’nor! After three... one... two... three... (the band play Lady’s theme from Climax Landers) MATT: Welcome back to Climaxland!

DUNBAR: Climaxland! Well I just want to live in Climaxland! Ain’t nowhere else for me but take me to the land of Climax! C’mon, c’mon, ain’t no time to relax! MATT: There’s a train waiting in the station to take me back to Climaxland! DUNBAR: Climaxland! Climax Entertainment’s promised land! A world created for us! Somewhere where we can be someone. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, reach your Climax!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 63.

MATT: I love Landstalker and I just can’t control it/I love Dark Savior and I can’t get enough of it/And I love Blue Stinger/And I love Ladystalker/But when I feel like this DUNBAR: Ain’t no choice about it, gotta forget about it, follow my dreams that are leading me home, to take me back to Climaxland!

MATT: Yes I love Landstalker/although that’s just my angle/I love Dark savior/I still think there’s a future with it/My love for Climax/Is Shining in the Darkness

DUNBAR: I’m a Climaxlander/Couldn’t be anything else/I feel the dream inside me/I want to share it with you/Share it with you/Welcome back to Climaxland! (song ends. KAN NAITO claps politely.)

KAN NAITO: They’re really rather good. So, do you fellows think you’ll continue your singing career when you leave the island?

DUNBAR: Leave? (stares at him blankly) Nobody lea... KURTLIEGEN: Ahem! Let’s see something else, shall we? I still haven’t shown you our magnificent cybernetic bear security system! KAN NAITO: I guess we should be getting down to business. After all, I am here to personally inspect the island!

KURTLIEGEN: Its an honour! Come this way! (KURTLIEGEN leads KAN NAITO off the stage in the opposite direction.)

DUNBAR: Psst... hey, Matt! MATT: What?

DUNBAR: This is bad! MATT: I thought we did alright!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 64.

DUNBAR: No, not our music! The President wants to inspect the whole island! There’ll be hundreds of opportunities for him to die!

MATT: Maybe he’ll find out how crap this place is and shut it down! DUNBAR: Don’t be stupid! The Warden’s had the whole place cleaned from top to bottom! He must have hid everything he doesn’t want the President to see... oh shit! MATT: What? DUNBAR: Ain’t it obvious? The Warden’s going to do him in! Think about it... the things going on in this place... not all of them can be hidden! Especially not the mine, its too big! The President’s gonna insist on seeing everything and the warden can’t say no to him. The only way he’s gonna be able to stop the prison being closed down... is to kill the President!

MATT: Won’t the prison get closed down straight away if the President dies there in an accident? DUNBAR: Not if he kills everyone else here as well! It’ll just be the same as with the inspectors... no witnesses... no survivors... just the old rumour that nobody ever leaves Jailer’s Island. And then the Warden will lock down the island forever so we’ll never be found out.

MATT: That’s insane! DUNBAR: Yeah, as insane as our Warden.

MATT: But what are we gonna do? DUNBAR: I dunno... geez, they must be halfway across Death Valley by now... oh, wait! Matt! MATT: What?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 65.

DUNBAR: Look at the time! That’s where Garian should be right now! MATT: ... yeah, but he’s usually late! DUNBAR: Let’s pray to Jogurt he ain’t! Scene 2

(Death Valley. Mist rises from the marshland all around the rickety wooden platform where KURTLIEGEN and KAN NAITO walk.) KAN NAITO: Hm, isn’t this a little of a health and safety risk? KURTLIEGEN: With all due respect, sir, one is in prison to be in prison. One can’t be doing with all these soft touches like health and safety! Ah, there it is! (KURTLIEGEN points with his mechanical hand to BIOS, a cybernetically augmented bear that appears from the other end of the platform.)

KAN NAITO: Good grief, what IS that? KURTLIEGEN: This, Mister President, is the BIOS cybernetic bear security system! And THIS is what makes Jailer’s Island the escape-proof prison you’ve heard about in all the newspapers! KAN NAITO: Should it be wandering around freely like that?

KURTLIEGEN: Oh, these things are perfectly under my control! The neural implants mean they obey every order I give them! KAN NAITO: What are they programmed to do right now? KURTLIEGEN: Oh, they’re just guarding the prison! They’ll only eat you if you’re a prisoner trying to escape. They’re very simple animals, they don’t understand orders as complicated as ’assassinate the President’! BIOS: ROAR! (runs towards KAN NAITO)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 66.

KAN NAITO: ... er ...Warden? KURTLIEGEN: Hm, it must think you’re a prisoner! I bet its the black and white striped tie that’s confused it! Don’t worry, I’ll protect you! (The bear reaches KAN NAITO and lunges for him. KURTLIEGEN grabs KAN NAITO and pretends to stand protectively in front of him, actually aiming a mechanical claw at his head. Just then, a yellow submarine rises up from the mist, on top of which stands GARIAN.)

GARIAN: Thanks for lending me the submarine, Kay! It was stupid me to forget my... (looks around) Huh? Where the hell did it go? I’m sure I left it here! BIOS: ROAAAAAAARRRRRR! GARIAN: Oh! (snaps fingers) there it is! My bear! Here, beary beary beary! BIOS: ROAR! (lumbers towards GARIAN)

KAN NAITO: By Jogurt above! That bounty hunter saved my life! Warden? Why is there a bounty hunter wandering around?

KURTLIEGEN: That, sir, is a question I’ve been asking myself for years! GARIAN: Sorry about that, Warden! I captured this bear earlier and forgot I had it, then wandered off without it! KAN NAITO: ... How come he apologises to you but not me?

GARIAN: No, wait! That’s not my bear! The red one was mine, this is the black one! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! (runs offstage chased by bear)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 67.

KAN NAITO: That was a close one! Will that bounty hunter be okay?

KURTLIEGEN: Don’t worry about him, if he can beat the red one he can beat the black one. What matters is your health, Mister President! You were very brave during the fight!

KAN NAITO: er... thank you, Warden! KURTLIEGEN: Let me give you a congratulatory pat on the back! (KURTLIEGEN swings at KAN NAITO with his mechanical claw. Just before he connects, Jack, a fairly large blue bird, flies out of the mist, startling KAN NAITO so he jumps back, almost pitching KURTLIEGEN off the platform.)

JACK: Have you seen Garian? KURTLIEGEN: That way! (points with his claw)

JACK: Thanks! (flies off in GARIAN’s direction) KAN NAITO: This place is dangerous! You shouldn’t have endangered me by bringing me here, Warden! KURTLIEGEN: Very sorry, a minor oversight on my part! Come on, as an act of compensation I’ll show you Deadman’s Castle!

KAN NAITO: This better not be another death trap! KURTLIEGEN: I guarantee that it contains fewer bears and a lot less deadly marshland! This way! (KURTLIEGEN leads KAN NAITO offstage. GARIAN runs back across the stage, still pursued by the bear. KAY appears from the other side of the stage and roundhouse-kicks the bear to the face, dropping it.) GARIAN: Thanks!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 68.

KAY: Any time. I take it your mission was a failure. GARIAN: Yeah, sorry. What about you? Any sign of the person we’re supposed to be protecting? KAY: None at all. You?

GARIAN: The only people I’ve seen are the Warden and some dude in a posh suit. KAY: Damn. Guess we just have to keep on looking.

GARIAN: This sucks. I’m a bounty hunter. Bounty hunters don’t protect people. We capture them and/or kill them. KAY: Not really the caliber of work for a ninja either. GARIAN: What exactly DOES a ninja do anyway? Apart from steal people’s diaries.

KAY: HEY! The Warden stole it first! At least I didn’t steal the Warden’s actual diary that he was in the middle of writing and had just left on the table!

GARIAN: Point taken. But really... what do Ninjas do? KAY: That’s a national secret!

GARIAN: Yeah, right! KAY: While we’re here talking, some timer somewhere could be ticking away!

GARIAN: Nah, I’d see it in the bottom right hand corner of the screen. KAY: Oh, okay... a ninja is an elite assassin! GARIAN: Hah! I knew you weren’t any more noble than me! At least I get to capture people sometimes!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 69.

KAY: Only ’cause you can’t pull off a clean kill! GARIAN: WHO CAN’T PULL OFF A CLEAN KILL? KAY: Admit it! You’re the worst hunter I’ve ever met! I’ve never even seen you once kill someone in one hit!

GARIAN: There were those bats... KAY: Bats don’t count! (suddenly, the bear stands up again and roars) GARIAN: Hah! Now who can’t pull off a clean kill? KAY: SHUT UP AND RUN! (GARIAN and KAY run offstage, pursued by angry wounded bear) Scene 3

(Jailer’s Port, the prison infirmary. DRIZZIT lies in bed. There are flowers on a table next to him. KEITHA BEDFREY, a young female nurse with green hair potters around doing nurse things. Suddenly, DRIZZIT wakes up.)

DRIZZIT: Huh? Where am I? KEITHA BEDFREY: Oh (gives him a disappointed glance) you’re alive.

DRIZZIT: Is this Parallel 5? KEITHA BEDFREY: Hardly. You’re in the med bay. You only just pulled through. DRIZZIT: Oh... (scratches head) how’d I get in here? KEITHA BEDFREY: Another prisoner assaulted you. Some kind of revenge attack, probably. I don’t know and I don’t care. DRIZZIT: You’re not the usual doctor.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 70.

KEITHA BEDFREY: No, I’m... er... I’m new. Permit me to introduce myself. I’m Keitha Bedfrey. DRIZZIT: I’ve heard of you! KEITHA BEDFREY: That’s good. We try our best to advertise well. DRIZZIT: You’re that lady from the news! From that... that centre! What’s it called? KEITHA BEDFREY: ERASE. The Efficient Reliable Affordable Society of Euthanasia. Or, as we like to say... (Pyra’s theme from Climax Landers starts up.) Come on ev’rybody, time to leave your body/Come on e’vrybody, time to leave your body!

HP 0/Looks good on your report/It costs a lot less/And makes a lot less mess/HP 0/Looks good on your report/It costs a lot less/And makes a lot less mess/ Come on ev’rybody, time to leave your body/Come on e’vrybody, time to leave your body! HP 0/Looks good on your report/And gets you a little financial support! Come on down, down ev’rybody, take it down to 0!/Come on down, down ev’rybody, take it down to 0! DRIZZIT: Wait a minute!

KEITHA BEDFREY: Yes? DRIZZIT: I don’t wanna be treated by a euthanasist, I wanna be treated by a normal doctor!

KEITHA BEDFREY: The regular doctor’s busy. That’s why I’m here as his replacement. DRIZZIT: No, I said a normal doctor! KEITHA BEDFREY: Why have a regular doctor when a good euthanasist is so expensive these days and you can get it for free in prison!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 71.

DRIZZIT: I don’t wanna die! KEITHA BEDFREY: ... why not?

DRIZZIT: You’re not supposed to ask me that! You’re supposed to be putting me off! You legally are supposed to ask me three times if I’m absolutely sure!

KEITHA BEDFREY: Are you absolutely sure you want to live? DRIZZIT: NO!

KEITHA BEDFREY: Right then (grabs broadsword from underside of table)

DRIZZIT: AAARGH! NO! KEITHA BEDFREY: Yeah, that’s what you just said! No! (swings broadsword at DRIZZIT, who jumps out of the way) DRIZZIT: I didn’t mean no, I don’t want to live! I mean no, that’s not the way you do it! You have to ask me three times whether I want to die, and I have to give you three separate reasons to justify my decision! KEITHA BEDFREY: Okay then, why do you want to die? DRIZZIT: Well, because I’m stuck on this rock for the rest of my life, I’ve let the band down and... hang on a minute! KEITHA BEDFREY: Okay, I should probably sharpen this anyway. (gets out oily rag and whetstone) DRIZZIT: I do NOT want to die! I demand to be fully healed and to be let out of here!

KEITHA BEDFREY: Oh, okay. (puts broadsword down and picks up complicated-looking forms) Sign these release papers before you go!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 72.

DRIZZIT: Okay... hang on! (throws the papers at KEITHA BEDFREY in disgust) These are forms giving you permission to kill me!

KEITHA BEDFREY: Oh, please! I’m behind quota! I have been ever since I came to this island! My business is ruined! I thought this’d be a cushy job when I applied - regular pay, generous wages, a nice sea view from my office window, a captive audience... but none of you guys actually want my services! What the hell is giving you the will to carry on with your miserable existences?

DRIZZIT: Don’t you know? Haven’t you felt it too? KEITHA BEDFREY: Felt what?

DRIZZIT: I’d have thought it was the thing that drew you towards the Island in the first place! KEITHA BEDFREY: I told you, I’m here for the money!

DRIZZIT: Hah! That’s what Garian used to say... a long time ago... KEITHA BEDFREY: What the hell are you blathering about? Is this religion? It is, isn’t it! Merciful Saint Kevorkian Above, I hate religion! DRIZZIT: Nah, this transcends religion... it outranks Gods... its more beautiful than paradise... the true ending... Parallel Six! KEITHA BEDFREY: Pah, the true ending is the Game Over screen, everyone knows that! DRIZZIT: The Game Over screen’s the bloody Game Over screen! Doesn’t lead anywhere! People just try again when they see that. There’s no going back once you’ve found Parallel Six. Its the end. KEITHA BEDFREY: And you still want to go there? To this place that means you’ll never be able to play Dark Savior ever again because there’s just no need to?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 73.

DRIZZIT: If you don’t aim to complete a game, there’s no point in ever starting it!

KEITHA BEDFREY: Some games genuinely don’t have endings. Like Tetris and Columns. DRIZZIT: Yeah, but those games are all set up in a way that makes it possible to go on forever, like a score count that keeps on going up. Dark Savior doesn’t. There’s nothing to do once you’ve beaten all five parallels! KEITHA BEDFREY: And what are you going to do once you’ve beaten Parallel Six? DRIZZIT: There won’t be an ’after Parallel Six’! Parallel Six is the END! The absolute, final, decisive end game instance! KEITHA BEDFREY: You sure about that?

DRIZZIT: Yeah! KEITHA BEDFREY: What’re you gonna do with yourself if you turn out to be wrong?

DRIZZIT: I’m gonna... I’m gonna... I’m gonna look for Parallel Seven! KEITHA BEDFREY: Oh, so now there’s a Parallel Seven? DRIZZIT: If the game don’t end at Parallel Six there’s gotta be a Parallel Seven, don’t there!

KEITHA BEDFREY: The way I see it, you’re looking for a way out of an endless cycle of reincarnation. Do you know how the Buddhists believe you get out of it?

DRIZZIT: By transcending it! KEITHA BEDFREY: Or by complete annihilation! Deletion!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 74.

DRIZZIT: That’s the bad ending, you nerk! KEITHA BEDFREY: Why is it ’bad’? Its the same end result, isn’t it? At least its easier and there’s no chance of falling back into the cycle again if you get it wrong! DRIZZIT: You just don’t understand Dark Savior! You’ll get it in a year’s time or twenty! Goodbye, doctor! (DRIZZIT stands up, pushes past KEITHA BEDFREY and walks off the stage.) KEITHA BEDFREY: ... you understand what I’m talking about, don’t you?

MEG (OFFSTAGE): Of course I do. KEITHA BEDFREY: How long have you been hiding?

MEG (OFFSTAGE): I heard every word. KEITHA BEDFREY: You know, while you were watching me, you could have been making progress with the preparations. MEG (OFFSTAGE): I can do both at once. You have no idea what we can do. The preparations are almost finished anyway. Everything is in place.

KEITHA BEDFREY: Then let’s do this. (There is a blue flash of light and a noise like the Carbon Freeze machine, then darkness.)

Scene 4 (The arcade room, Deadman’s Castle. DEBOSE is playing on the arcades while the two ATTENDANTS watch.)

ATTENDANT 1: Bloody hell! He’s a genius! ATTENDANT 2: You really are... Corey D. Schumizer?

DEBOSE: I don’t use that name any more. In here, they call me ’DeBose’. Kurtliegen says its a corrupted form of ’Die Boese’ - German for the ’The Evil’. Cool, huh?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 75.

ATTENDANT 1: Is that what the ’D’ stands for? We were all wondering...

DEBOSE: Nah, the D stands for Dwight. Laugh and I’ll decapitate you. ATTENDANT 2: Did you really do it?

DEBOSE: No, I’m as innocent as a spring lamb... of course I bloody did it! ATTENDANT 2: But you were Love Love Mini Racer’s golden boy! DEBOSE: You can only get so far by being nice. ATTENDANT 2: Are you saying that you killed 45 people in order to improve your high score? DEBOSE: Its more complicated than that.

ATTENDANT 2: Anyway, you called me out here, what do you want with me? DEBOSE: Isn’t it obvious? I want you to hook me up with an international race. I think I’m ready now. ATTENDANT 2: How? You’re in jail!

DEBOSE: The place has a wi-fi signal and a Skype address. ATTENDANT 2: But we can’t get a signal. We can’t get ANYTHING in or out of here, Schumizer, its like the Bermuda Triangle! DEBOSE: My friend can generate a signal strong enough. It might not last for that long, though. We’ll need to time it exactly right. It... relies on finding enough fuel. ATTENDANT 2: What the hell? Internet connections don’t need fuel!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 76.

DEBOSE: Deletory ones do. ATTENDANT 2: That technology doesn’t even exist! DEBOSE: Its these naive beliefs that I came to the Island to dispel. It will happen in a week’s time. Good day, gentlemen.

ATTENDANT 2: What the...? ATTENDANT 1: Let’s get out of here. This is scary. That man smells like a fridge. (the ATTENDANTS run away) DEBOSE: This is about more than just winning a race now. (turns back to the arcade machine) Talking of which, I’m finally alone with the arcade machine and nobody to disturb me! I can practice all night to beat Meg’s high score! KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): Torture chamber? That’s not a torture chamber! Its the stationery cupboard! DEBOSE: Oh shit! The Warden!

KAN NAITO (OFFSTAGE): Why is there an iron maiden in a stationery cupboard? KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): That’s a pencil sharpener!

KAN NAITO (OFFSTAGE): They make pencil sharpeners that big? KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): Haven’t you ever seen an industrial pencil sharpener? What kind of Government official are you? We get through thousands of pencils per day! DEBOSE: ... What the hell are they talking about? KAN NAITO (OFFSTAGE): Okay, but that’s definitely a rack! KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): Its a feeder for printer paper! If you don’t use it, it goes in lopsided and jams the printer.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 77.

KAN NAITO (OFFSTAGE): Then why is there no printer paper in it? KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): You tell me why we can’t even afford printer paper! What is with these ridiculous Government funding cuts? KAN NAITO (OFFSTAGE): We have no way of contacting you whatsoever, how exactly are we supposed to send you the money? KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): You send enough Bounty Hunters! Why can’t you give one of them to money to send to me?

KAN NAITO (OFFSTAGE): ... you want me to give your entire year’s wages to a Bounty Hunter? KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): ... you have a point. But still. Please stop sending all these Bounty Hunters! They’re causing chaos! Look, there’s one now! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING! DON’T RUN WHILE HOLDING BILANIUM, ITS UNSTABLE! GARIAN (OFFSTAGE): Sorry, Warden! KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): AAARGH! DON’T THROW IT AT ME! (bright green flash of light)

DEBOSE: PIPE DOWN OUT THERE! I’M TRYING TO PLAY LOVE-LOVE MINI RACER! GARIAN (OFFSTAGE): Ooh, Love Love Mini Racer! I want a go!

KAY (OFFSTAGE): Garian, what the hell are you doing? You can’t just play video games in the middle of a mission! Can’t you act like a mature, professional adult for once in your life? No wonder nobody respects you!

KAN NAITO (OFFSTAGE): You have a Love Love Mini Racer arcade? KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): Mister President! Come back! I wanted to show you the... oh well... (KURTLIEGEN, KAN NAITO, GARIAN and KAY all run onto the stage.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 78.

GARIAN: Me first! DEBOSE: Go away! (GARIAN and DEBOSE fight over the controller.) KAN NAITO: As President of Climax Japan, I order you to stand down and allow me access! GARIAN: You’re the President? (steps back, allowing DEBOSE to grab the controller)

KAY: GARIAN! How can you not recognise your own President? GARIAN: He’s your President too! Climaxland controls both Rajeen and Lavian. Why didn’t you tell me that was the President? KAY: I was busy. Fighting a bear.

GARIAN: Anyway, very sorry, Mr. President. Its because I’ve spent so long on this island, I kinda lose contact with the outside world. DEBOSE: Its true. Some of the prisoners with shorter sentences come and go without seeing him arrive or leave. KAN NAITO: Maybe you can tell me what’s going on in this prison, you being the fine upstanding upholder of the law that you are. (KAY and KURTLIEGEN both burst out laughing.) GARIAN: Hey! I’m an absolute bastion of lawfulness! DEBOSE: You’re definitely something beginning with ’absolute bast-’.

GARIAN: ... wait a minute, why am I not playing Love Love Mini Racer?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 79.

KAY: Weren’t you paying any attention? We’re letting the President have his go first because he’s the President!

GARIAN: Then why is DeBose playing? DEBOSE: Ssssh!

GARIAN: LET GO OF THE BLOODY CONTROLLER! (GARIAN grabs DEBOSE and the two wrestle. KURTLIEGEN takes the opportunity to grab the controller and start playing.) KAY: Oh wow! Look, Garian, he can play one-handed! And he’s winning!

DEBOSE: He’s WHAT? (releases GARIAN) Hey, my high score! GARIAN: I don’t care if he can play hanging upside down from a tightrope over a pit of sharks! KURTLIEGEN: That can be arranged. KAN NAITO: ... seriously, your President would really like a go. KURTLIEGEN: I don’t care. You’re only the President. (tosses his cloak over his shoulder theatrically like a middle-aged fascist bishie) I’m the Warden.

KAN NAITO: Warden Kurtliegen, this is insubordination and treason! KURTLIEGEN: This is my Island, Mr. President. I control everything that happens here. You’re just a man who’s made a lot of stupid mistakes. You must answer to the consequences of your actions. I will take it upon myself to carry out your punishment.

KAN NAITO: What the hell are you talking about? What mistakes? What actions?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 80.

KURTLIEGEN: President Kan Naito... I sentence you to DEATH! (KURTLIEGEN swings his mechanical claw arm towards KAN NAITO’s head like an executioner’s axe. Just as he is about to strike the blow, ’Present of Tear’ starts up in the background, played by Legion of Qwerty.) No... what the...? (KURTLIEGEN drops his axe.) What... the... no! (KURTLIEGEN falls to his knees, clearly in abject grief.) It... it won’t make a difference... will it? Why would I think any mortal authority could make a difference any more? If you knew... if you already knew... then you would have already... KAN NAITO: If I already knew what? What am I supposed to be doing, Warden?

KURTLIEGEN: Just get off my island. Outsiders aren’t welcome here any more. KAN NAITO: I’m not an outsider. This is still Climax territory. I am still the President of Climax. KURTLIEGEN: If you were the real President, you would know where Parallel Six is and you would be able to trigger it. Why would anyone know such a thing and yet not act upon it, even so as only to benefit themselves by being in Parallel Six? What could possibly be more important than the absolute rapturous heavenly joy of Parallel Six being there in front of your eyes?

KAN NAITO: I... I do know where Parallel Six is... and yet I don’t... but whatever the case, I cannot trigger it. I do not think it can be triggered. KURTLIEGEN: Explain yourself or prepare to die. KAN NAITO: I would rather do so in front of the entire Island. I do not trust you to spread the news freely and honestly. KURTLIEGEN: Very well, public confession and genuine repentance is often the harshest form of punishment. Come with me. (KURTLIEGEN, KAN NAITO, GARIAN and KAY

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 81.

move towards the exit. DEBOSE goes back to his game.) You t0o. (KURTLIEGEN grabs DEBOSE and pulls him offstage. Exit all.) Scene 6 (Jailer’s Port, outside Ponno’s Jalapeno Cafe. Legion of Qwerty are playing ’Silver Rose’.)

DUNBAR: I’ve been soloing this game for longer than I can even remember now/Suddenly, you come into my life/And I realise I’m lonely/I say will you follow me on my journey/Forever and evermore now/’Cause I don’t think I can get through this without you, without you! And this is our game/it wouldn’t be the same without you/Yes this is our game/And I hope it lasts forever and ever/For you, I would play this level over and over again/Follow you right through the gates of Game Over and back/If you say you’ll never let it be over/And every new day/Is closer to the day/When we find the way/Parallel Six! BUTCH’S SISTER (OFFSTAGE): Oh Dunbar, you’re so romantic! (BUTCH’S SISTER’s underwear flies on stage and hits DUNBAR in the face.) DUNBAR: Thank you, thank you. And this next song is dedicated to another beautiful girl here on Jailer’s Island... Tracy! (they start playing Tracy’s theme) In this facility/There is only one girl for me/The girl with the eyes open so wide/Into the eternity of time/She’s taken over me/With her enchanting ability/And although my heart’s finally healed/I know my destiny is sealed/In this facility... KURTLIEGEN (OFFSTAGE): Turn down the music, the President has an important announcement to make! (Music fades out. KURTLIEGEN and KAN NAITO walk onstage.) MATT: Warden!

DUNBAR: Mister President! You’re alive! KURTLIEGEN: Yes, the President is alive and well. Sorry for keeping him from you for so long, we were just having (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 82.

KURTLIEGEN: (cont’d) a nice relaxing tour of the facility, weren’t we, Mister President?

KAN NAITO: Yes, what a fascinating stationery collection! KURTLIEGEN: Ahem! So, yes, this announcement! I shan’t keep you, eh?

KAN NAITO: Ladies and gentlemen! I... I have a confession to make. I know where Parallel Six is! (dead silence) It... is hidden.

KURTLIEGEN: ... hidden. KAN NAITO: As in, unused. Taken out during the beta phase. (KURTLIEGEN adjusts the controls on the side of his claw and electricity crackles down it.) But still there! It was a complete, working beta! It was just that... we took it out for other reasons. We didn’t think the human mind was ready to comprehend such a thing. It would destroy everyone’s sanity. it would warp everyone’s minds unrecognisably, to the point that humanity would be forced to evolve into a new species just to cope with the terrible, beautiful truth in front of them! Climax had to take it out in order to preserve the human race! KURTLIEGEN: ... still there. KAN NAITO: But inaccessible. KURTLIEGEN: You’re the President. Make it accessible. Now. KAN NAITO: The previous President took the security codes with him to the grave! KURTLIEGEN: THAT’S JUST A FANCY WAY OF SAYING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS! KAN NAITO: There may be a way. Its a long shot, but that’s a tiny chance it will work.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 83.

KURTLIEGEN: Tell me! KAN NAITO: A locked prototype can’t be recovered, but it doesn’t require a passcode to put things into the prototype realm. If I declare the entire Island a prototype... its possible that you’ll end up in the same place we put Parallel Six.

KURTLIEGEN: It seems a big sacrifice to make on the word of a man capable of hiding such things for so long. KAN NAITO: Isn’t it everything you want? An inescapable prison? Complete isolation from the outside world? KURTLIEGEN: You think I care so little about what happens to my island? My people? My world is no prototype, Mister President. You should be retreating from us. KAN NAITO: There is a small possibility that we can send someone or something else in as a test, and be able to communicate with them. There... may have already been incidents of the prototype realm leaking into this world. KURTLIEGEN: The song. The images. The sixth star.

KAN NAITO: Exactly. If we can trace them back to their source, find out where the veil between our worlds is thin... KURTLIEGEN: Do it. Now.

KAN NAITO: I need you to collect up as many different things as possible you think might be from Parallel Six. Start with that song. I want those young men to sing it.

DUNBAR: Uh... us? KAN NAITO: Yes, your performance was otherworldly. You stopped a murderous madman in his tracks! KURTLIEGEN: Hey!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 84.

DUNBAR: The thing is, guv’nor... MATT: We don’t believe in Parallel Six! DUNBAR: Never have done! All we believe in is good music, pretty girls, patriotism and not being killed by the Warden!

DRIZZIT (OFFSTAGE): I believe! DUNBAR: Drizzit!

MATT: He’s come back from the dead! DUNBAR: Don’t be a stupid nerk! He probably just survived the blow! DRIZZIT (OFFSTAGE): No, Dunbar. I really did. (DRIZZIT walks onstage) I came back from the dead. Parallel Six brought me back. SEAN: I believe too. I believe there’s a world suitable for my sister. A world where she can live as free as a bird and do whatever she wants to do, no matter what fucked-up thing it is she happens to want to do next. A world that she can stand living in and a world that can stand up to her. EVILSIZER: The Dark Savior’s world is real. He called to me in my head. He told me so. KURTLIEGEN: The Dark Savior? Isn’t that Carbon Garian? Maybe I should go and find him. I’ll need Garian and the Carbon Freeze machine... EVILSIZER: No time. He’s calling me now! He’s here! The Dark Savior!

DUNBAR: He’s where, Evilsizer? Lead us to where the voices are coming from!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 85.

EVILSIZER: The stage... (points to the door of Ponno’s) He’s coming through the stage! (EVILSIZER collapses. Everyone runs offstage, wheeling him along too.) Scene 7 (Inside Ponno’s Jalapeno Cafe. A bar is serving Jalapeno Juice. There are also a couple of square stools and a large stage. KURTLIEGEN and KAN NAITO walk on stage.) KURTLIEGEN: Has it begun?

BARMAN: Has what begun, guv’nor? (cleans glass) KURTLIEGEN: I take it that it hasn’t. (KURTLIEGEN walks back offstage and wheels EVILSIZER on stage) You said there was something here! Where is it? EVILSIZER: It hasn’t quite broken through yet... I can feel it, though... through the walls... scratching...

KAN NAITO: I can feel it too. A huge surge of Climactic energy...

KURTLIEGEN: (yells offstage) Set up the equipment! (DUNBAR, MATT and DRIZZIT walk onstage with the instruments and set them up. They walk back out. BUTCH’S SISTER walks on, walks straight past them and to the bar.) BUTCH’S SISTER: Jalapeno Sunrise, please. (the BARMAN begins mixing her a bright pink cocktail) KURTLIEGEN: You! Don’t disrupt this important ceremony with your filthy presence!

BUTCH’S SISTER: Serves you right for not marrying me like you was supposed to!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 86.

KURTLIEGEN: I am the true Spirit of the Warden! My heart is wedded only to this Island! BUTCH’S SISTER: What, the whole island? No wonder nobody’ll ask me out, I didn’t know they was all married! KURTLIEGEN: Maybe if you were faithful for one person for more than five seconds and didn’t just go with everyone you meet, people would find you more appealing! BUTCH’S SISTER: ... Its cause I’m a pig, ain’t it?

KURTLIEGEN: I always thought pigs mated for life... BUTCH’S SISTER: I would if I could find just one person! But I can’t even find that! Its like I’m doomed to be single my whole life (sigh) It ain’t my fault I don’t look like Porky Rose! KURTLIEGEN: ... if I find you a mate, will you go away?

DRIZZIT: Can you really do that? KURTLIEGEN: Of course I can, I’m the Warden!

BUTCH’S SISTER: Oh, you’re a kind man under that depraved evil fascist exterior! KURTLIEGEN: Why, I’m the very embodiment of love. Cruel and unusual. (Lifts his claw and presses a button on the side of it. It crackles with static.) Hello, Area B3 security? Warden speaking. Report to Area A1 immediately. Code 301. (DUNBAR and MATT wander back in carrying some paintings of unused scenes from Dark Savior. They hang them up around the wall, with the picture of Garian walking through the stage as a centerpiece.) KAN NAITO: There’s some unused code I’d like to put into the computers, if you please. It doesn’t really show up in the game.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 87.

KURTLIEGEN: Do as you see fit. (KAN NAITO walks to the soundsystem, hooks his laptop up to it and starts typing. Meanwhile, DUNBAR and MATT set up and begin testing the instruments, playing variations on ’Present of Tear’. As they do so, BOOTH, FOOTH and VOOTH wander in.)

DRIZZIT: Hey, its Boot, Foot and Woot! BOOTH: That’s Booth...

FOOTH: Footh... VOOTH: And Vooth! And together we form...

DRIZZIT: ... the three little pigs? BOOTH: THE TERRIBLE TRIO!

FOOTH: Get it wrong again, and we shall make your life hell! EVILSIZER: Drizzit, please don’t goad them, they’re the chief guards for my cell block. BUTCH’S SISTER: Ooh, they’re handsome! I didn’t know there was pigs other than my brother on the island!

KURTLIEGEN: They mostly work in the high security areas. Visitors don’t get to go that far into the prison, even visitors who spend more time here than most prisoners. (glares a long-suffering glare at her)

BOOTH: Is this the porcine maiden we discussed? KURTLIEGEN: Indeed.

BUTCH’S SISTER: And isn’t he polite? Are you brothers? FOOTH: Identical triplets.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 88.

VOOTH: Finally, a female of our own species! BOOTH: And quite a comely one, at that! BUTCH’S SISTER: Ooh, you’re making me blush! (is handed a Jalapeno Sunrise by the BARMAN)

VOOTH: It has been so long since we even saw another Pig at all. We are a lawful species. We are not found in prisons.

DRIZZIT: ... then why do you work in one? VOOTH: If there are pig prisoners, there must be pig guards. We oversee our own race. It is our way.

DRIZZIT: Then why is Butch in here? DUNBAR: He’s got rabies. It makes him do things. DRIZZIT: That’s gross! I’m sure he’s bitten me at least once! FOOTH: ... This is not a topic of discussion suitable for a lady. BUTCH’S SISTER: Ooh, I’m a lady now?

BOOTH: We must find a private place to talk of our affairs. BUTCH’S SISTER: We’re having an affair? But I thought we had permission...

KURTLIEGEN: Yes, please do go away. (The Terrible Trio lead BUTCH’S SISTER out of the building.) ... right, maybe we can get down to business now? Anyone who does not wish to see Parallel Six and have their sanity crushed by its otherworldly majesty may leave the room... now! (KURTLIEGEN holds his mechanical claw arm up. The band start playing ’Present of Tear’. Mist begins to rise

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 89.

and the lights flash on and off as the music fades and becomes distorted. Suddenly, the light turns off and the music fades away to be replaced by ’Light of the Setting Sun’.) DUNBAR: That sound... MATT: Its beautiful... KURTLIEGEN: Do you mean to tell me its not coming from you? DUNBAR: Don’t be daft, we can’t play that well! EVILSIZER: Its like a celestial choir... I’m too impure to sing it or dance to it...

KAN NAITO: I know what it is. Its the voice of Landstalker. The Spirit of Climax. This... this is it! The presence I felt that day... in that dream... the office turned into this walled garden there were these arches and I kept going back in time and... what is it, Climax? You want me to do what? What, that? Now? Here? Oh, okay. (the music changes to ’Porky’s Porkies’ from Mother 3) Watching the credits roll on Mother 3/Oh my God what have you done to me?/How I wish that I could be deceased/Like I was in the pre-release Farewell my pre-release/How I miss your insanity/Even though you do not exist/You can never be replaced

Turning to face the final guardian/And we go insane in unison/If I turn around and count to five/Maybe you will still be alive Farewell my pre-release/Without you I am incomplete/Feels like you were a part of me/That can never be replaced. (The Dark Savior capture noise plays, the lights come back on and everything is the same, except for KURTLIEGEN, who is wearing a well-fitting black suit and an ordinary arm instead of a mechanical arm.)

DRIZZIT: What did you do? What’s happened to the Warden?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 90.

KAN NAITO: This... this isn’t the Warden any more. This isn’t Dark Savior any more. This is the Dark Savior pre-release!

MATT: I don’t get it. Is this Parallel Six or not? KAN NAITO: This isn’t necessarily Parallel Six. It is simply a place from which Parallel Six can be reached. It could be anywhere on the island. We should form a full search party immediately! KURTLIEGEN: No need...

KAN NAITO: Hm? KURTLIEGEN: The Bounty Hunter. Destiny always follows him. Everything that happens on this island... always happens to him... KAN NAITO: Garian! Someone fetch Garian!

DUNBAR: Well, he just kills me or tries to capture me whenever he sees me! There’s no use me talking to him.

KURTLIEGEN: To be honest... he takes roughly the same attitude to me as well. And I really shouldn’t move... I’m really.. not... myself... (falls over)

KAN NAITO: Warden! DRIZZIT: I’ll fetch Garian! We’ve worked together before, he might remember me!

DUNBAR: Don’t die like you always do! (DRIZZIT runs out. Lights fade.) 91.

ACT 6 Scene 1

(Jailer’s Port, outside Ponno’s Jalapeno cafe. Round yellow things have been placed in lines resembling a Love Love Mini Racer course. DRIZZIT wanders out of the cafe. He spots the yellow things and stares down at them. Seconds later, DEBOSE runs around the corner dragging a large blue pyramid attached to his waist by a climbing rope.) DRIZZIT: What the hell? (examines DEBOSE) Did the Warden do that to you as a punishment?

DEBOSE: Don’t be daft! I’m playing Love Love Mini Racer! DRIZZIT: ... in real time?

DEBOSE: What do you mean, in real time? Do you expect me to play it on a computer or something?

DRIZZIT: ... oh, well, I guess the rules are different for this world... DEBOSE: Cease prattling and move out of the way! Love Love Mini Racer is a man’s sport! (DEBOSE runs off the stage again.) DRIZZIT: Well, this is certainly an odd world... let’s see what else I can find... (DRIZZIT walks off the stage. He comes back on from the other side.) What? This is the same as the last place I went to... (GARIAN walks on stage.) Oh, hello, Garian! Just the guy I wanted to speak to!

GARIAN: Can’t talk, I’m late! DRIZZIT: Oh shit, don’t be late! Run along now! (GARIAN runs off the stage.) Well, that was a complete failure... (GARIAN runs back on stage.) Garian? What are you doing? I thought you said you were in a hurry!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 92.

GARIAN: Uh? Who’s in a hurry? I’ve already finished I was doing, I’ve got like ten hours to pass before the boat... on a goddamn prison island... (looks at watch, then stares at Drizzit) Hang on, who are you? DRIZZIT: Wh... what do you mean? (another GARIAN runs on stage)

GARIAN-2: Oh, God, its terrible... Kay’s dead... Tracy’s dead... Jack’s dead... everyone’s dead! (a third GARIAN runs on) GARIAN-3: What do you mean? Did someone say Jack? Jack’s here? You have to stop him, he’s going to destroy the entire space-time continuum! DRIZZIT: I think that’s... kinda... already happened! (a fourth GARIAN runs on stage) GARIAN-4: Oh, there you are! Why’d you all run off like that? I thought I was gonna be late for the convention!

DRIZZIT: The... convention? GARIAN-4: GarianCon 2012!

DRIZZIT: Its 2012? (KURTLIEGEN walks on, still in a suit and no mechanical claw.)

KURTLIEGEN: You betcha its 2012! GARIAN: Oh, geez, guys, why is he still alive?

KURTLIEGEN: Vote for me and I will bring not only change but true Apocalypse! GARIAN: You’re not even an electoral candidate! Go away! KURTLIEGEN: My Island, my rules! (Teiris’ theme from Dragonforce plays in the background.) Don’t tell me its time to talk/Time for talking is (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 93.

KURTLIEGEN: (cont’d) over/I’ve been talking too much my whole life/Now is the time to act!

Don’t tell me its time to talk/Just because you know that you’re losing/And the only words/Anyone ever heard/Were ’no retreat, no surrender’! And just like a grand Golem/I will start to move over this world/And those who have summoned me/I will turn on you first/No retreat and no surrender! No retreat and no surrender//No retreat and no surrender/My sympathy goes out to the defender/So badly rendered... (GARIAN hits KURTLIEGEN with a sword and he falls to the ground, lifeless.) GARIAN: Stop stealing the show! This is our con! No un-Garians allowed!

GARIAN-2: That means you! (points to DRIZZIT with his sword) DRIZZIT: Very strange world indeed... (DRIZZIT runs off) GARIAN-3: Now, let us proceed to the business at hand. As you know, this is the fiftieth recurring year since the founding of the Garian Society. GARIAN-4: Long live the Garians! GARIAN: Long live our Dark Savior! GARIAN-3: Alas, we are no closer to discovering the fate of our Dark savior, the founder of our society, the first to become aware of our parallel co-existence within a set of mutual spatiotemporal continua and to bring us together here. We have not seen him since his expedition deep within the bowels of the active volcano this Island was built on top of. However, through the information given to me by my contacts in Deadman’s Laboratory, I may have come closer to finding what it is he was trying to discover down there... GARIAN-2: Parallel Six?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 94.

GARIAN-3: TRACY! GARIAN-2: Kay’s sister? But the last vestige of Kay’s presence was annihilated completely by Bilan three years ago! GARIAN-3: Tracy isn’t just the girl. Its an acronym. Total Reality Annexe: Codename Yellow!

GARIAN-4: I don’t like the sound of that! Will it eat us all? GARIAN-3: Not exactly. It is more there to prevent us all from being eaten. You see, not only people are imprisoned on this island. GARIAN-2: Kurtliegen’s a prisoner too?

GARIAN-3: Not only people and Kurtliegen are imprisoned on the island. Reality systems are too. There are several consensus realities... sets of laws of space and time... causal arcs... that are too destructive to be allowed to run their cause. They would result in either a 100% bad ending ratio, triggering a destiny collapse, or would delete themselves, causing outer data decay. Both would damage the essential structure of the Multiverse. This is why they cannot leave this small space.

GARIAN-2: The plot of Dark Savior... is that dangerous? GARIAN-3: No, Garian-2, the plot of Dark savior is what’s containing it! Think about it, what better way to incarcerate a reality than by incorporating an infinite loop into its code? GARIAN-4: But... that would mean... we really are in an infinite loop... there ain’t no true ending... no Parallel Six! I can’t accept that, Three! It means... it means there ain’t no reason for anyone to carry on existing at all!

GARIAN-2: And the loop technically ain’t entirely closed. The Bad Ending lets things out. As does the Game Over Screen. Sort of.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 95.

GARIAN-3: Exactly. Death and narrative meltdown. GARIAN-2: Y... you have a point! GARIAN-3: Anyway, let me finish the story! Carbon Garian was chasing after that thing for something, so it has to be related to Parallel Six! So we’re going after it too! GARIAN-4: I’m gonna prove to you that the loop ain’t closed! GARIAN-2: Will it open if we set the... Tracy... thing free? GARIAN-3: Knowing Carbon, that was probably what he was trying to do! (The GARIANs all run off stage. DRIZZIT re-appears on stage.) DRIZZIT: I... I don’t get it... Tracy’s gonna warp reality and eat us? Why are there so many Garians? (INDIGO walks on stage.) INDIGO: There have always been that many Garians, Drizzit. Its just that you don’t remember them. They obviously do, now. I guess they’ve just been going ’round and ’round for too long. DRIZZIT: We’ve gone forward in time? INDIGO: No, its been 2012 for a while. We don’t always keep track of time well on this island. I think this is just a very different world. DRIZZIT: You can say that again! And, as usual, you know exactly what’s happening. Care to tell me, or will that ruin the future or somethin’? INDIGO: Don’t you see? These people are all stuck in a cycle of doing twisted versions of things that they think will trigger Parallel 6! DeBose is trying to achieve the perfect Love Love Mini Racer score... Carbon Garian has brought together all the Garians... Kurtliegen is turning into John Kerry... Garian has killed Jack... he also hasn’t saved for fifty years.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 96.

DRIZZIT: How can you tell? Can you see people’s saves now? INDIGO: No, Kaiser’s dead. DRIZZIT: Does this all mean we’re closer to Parallel Six now? INDIGO: I don’t know. Its one of the caveats of my power. I can never see Parallel Six. All I know is... we’re in unimaginable danger! You don’t know what some of the people will do if they think it will trigger Parallel 6!

DRIZZIT: Meg’s Parallel Zero? INDIGO: I’m not sure that’s triggered... if it had, we’d all be dead already... maybe she’s got her own little spot of the Island somewhere that’s been turned into Parallel Six... I think it has to be something that can co-exist with the other triggers... no, there are worse ones...

DRIZZIT: What’s worse than that crazy bitch killing everyone on the Island? INDIGO: Well, for a start... Tracy.

DRIZZIT: Tracy again! INDIGO: She’s been convinced ever since she discovered it that Parallel Six is triggered from the Bad Ending. DRIZZIT: Oh crap. INDIGO: There’s a worse one. DRIZZIT: How can there be? INDIGO: There’s mine. DRIZZIT: And what does that...

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 97.

INDIGO: I can’t tell you. DRIZZIT: The Garians went to find Tracy! Maybe they’ll stop her! INDIGO: By killing birds and not saving? DRIZZIT: You have a point... then we’ll have to stop her! INDIGO: What do you think will happen, Drizzit?

DRIZZIT: Well, I always kind of imagined I had to escape from pris... (A flash of light and DRIZZIT disappears.)

INDIGO: Whatever you think will happen, you are destined to do, and it will succeed. Without you ever knowing what you have done to your own fate and the entire Island’s. (draws daggers) Which will make this as difficult for me as it will be for you... (turns and faces Ponno’s) Dunbar... Matt... you are going to have to die. Just in case. I will not have any reality in existence where there is no Parallel Six. (walks to the back of the stage) Something tells me you’re not in the cafe any more. Well, then, I have an idea of where you are. I shall find you. You cannot escape fate. (exit INDIGO) Scene 2

(A corridor in the Lavian Ruins. A series of stone blocks lead through the shifting quicksands. At the far wall lie a row of huge urns and, above them, a sarcophagus. KEITHA BEDFREY walks tentatively along the platform, as though she fears she will fall. She hums to the ’Ancient Lavian Ruins - Nightmare’ theme.) KEITHA BEDFREY: I will take your HP down to 0 tonight/And I will take your HP down to 0 tonight... (She spots the jars.) Oh, there they are! Its... its like it said online... its dark and there’s nowhere to save and there’s a puzzle with jars and... and... Kay should be here! Where’s Kay?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 98.

TRACY(OFFSTAGE): Kay is dead. KEITHA BEDFREY: Hm? Who... who is it? Hello? Do you know where I might save? TRACY(OFFSTAGE): Kaiser is dead. KEITHA BEDFREY: Is anyone at all alive? TRACY(OFFSTAGE): I live. I live. I LIVE! (A bright light flashes on and off. KEITHA BEDFREY screams and falls in the quicksand.) This is the birthplace of my perfect end game! My Parallel Six! GARIAN (OFFSTAGE): Did someone say Parallel Six? (the GARIANS run on together) GARIAN-3: I’ll have two, with extra anchovies!

TRACY(OFFSTAGE): It is futile, you know. GARIAN-2: You took Carbon! Where’s Carbon?

TRACY(OFFSTAGE): Carbon Garian is dead. GARIAN-4: That’s a fucking lie! I can still feel his presence! He’s been eating my life force again, the shitface!

GARIAN: Garian, don’t swear! Just because you’re from the Japanese version of the game!

GARIAN-4: Man, I need a smoke! TRACY(OFFSTAGE): It is too late. It has already happened. I am behind this door. You will not reach me.

GARIAN-3: We’ll see about that! You beat us in this Parallel, but you can’t attack us all at once if we come at you from every Parallel! Garian Society... DISPERSE! (The lights go out. The spotlight focusses on GARIAN. The Parallel 1

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 99.

Ending Theme starts playing and the Parallel 1 credits roll on the big screen.)

GARIAN: I walk along the empty streets at night The stars are shining in the sky and I Remember when I was up there The brightest of all I see a watchman at his post He looks at me like I am a ghost We live in different worlds Above and below I’m falling so low These broken wings that you made They are on fire with my vestigial desire!

404/File Not Found/ Is the darkness that said it would apprentice me 404/File Not Found/For the Universe won’t even notice me And it takes me apart Sends me back to the start Without even an audience My life is just an error 404 This shouldn’t be, It isn’t written in my destiny How can my very fate Be malfunctioning It doesn’t make sense You tell me to just keep on looking That there will be another chance Book in advance You said that last year too And the year before And if I could have another life, then I would But I’ve tried I just end up here again

404/File Not Found/I am little more than a non-entity 404/File Not Found/I am obsolescence in its entirety In this faulty machine I’m not even a cog I can’t even be used as fuel My life is just an error 404 Another year has passed Another gear has turned Another page is burned

404/File Not Found/Its the culmination of my destiny 404/File Not Found/As I fall into this primal insanity I have looked everywhere I have tried everything To recover what might have been (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 100.

GARIAN: (cont’d) My life is just an error 404 And in Parallel Six Across the River Styx There’s a party when I come home My life is just an error 404 ( The spotlight focusses on GARIAN-2. The Parallel 2 Ending Theme starts playing and the Parallel 2 credits roll on the big screen.) GARIAN-2: (the bit at the start is instrumental) Well nothing ever seems to work Nothing in this Universe I don’t think this is Parallel 2. Maybe I was a second late I’ve already sealed my fate There’s nothing left for me except you.

When I go out there tonight To that decisive climactic fight I’ll be thinking of you. You’re my reason to return Won’t go willingly into the light.

Because I love you so And I’m so glad I Finally met you in the middle of the game Middle of the game Middle of the game

I swear I’ll get you out of here Though Bilan may interfere Even if its the last thing I do And even if we die in pain I’ll be seeing you again There are five more parallels to go Last night I killed my best friend With a bottle of liquid nitrogen And then you came along And said ’I owe you I want you To capture my body tonight’ And I still love you so And I’m so glad I Finally met you in the middle of the game Middle of the game Middle of the game (The spotlight focusses on GARIAN-3. The Parallel 3 Ending Theme starts playing and the Parallel 3 credits roll on the big screen.)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 101.

GARIAN-3: Hyperion Perspective is how I see the world now Hyperion Perspective forevermore For all I want to see is isometric, sort of Hyperion Perspective eternally And all the walls around me are closing in on me It’s ecstasy, so make it last forever Lay me down in the ground Only when I find Parallel 6 I don’t need to go to heaven Just wake me up To another sight, another sound, Another world in Hyperion perspective

Be my Dark Savior Be my Dark Savior You tell me to surrender, tell me there are only five Hyperion Perspective tells me otherwise And I surrendered long ago to its sweet embrace It will not share me with anybody else And even after I serve my time, I said to you, I’d love to go on living here forever

All the stars in the sky Are at angles non-Euclidian And I am merely two-dimensional Its driving me slowly insane Over again Always the same; why is it always the same?

Be my Dark Savior Be my Dark Savior I dreamt of you last night I dreamt of you last night

I dreamt of you last night, you were in Parallel Six You didn’t tell me how, so I murdered you. ( The spotlight focusses on GARIAN-4. The Parallel 4 Perfect Ending Theme starts playing and the Parallel 4 credits roll on the big screen.) GARIAN-4: In this facility/There is only one girl for me/The girl with the eyes open so wide/Into the eternity of time/She will be mine

Though I walk alone/My private hell/A cycle of Parallels/Eternal continuum/I’m walking this road for you/Ev’ry time I see you smile at me it makes up for everything/I know that there will be an end in sight/A way out of here/I’ll escape this (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 102.

GARIAN-4: (cont’d) facility/I’ll see the light of day again/There’s still a world/Somewhere out there waiting for me

She’s taken over me/With her enchanting ability/And although my heart’s finally healed/I know my destiny is sealed/In this facility/With amazing agility/She’s always there before me/And she knows ev’rything that’s happening to me

As the sun begins to set I save and rest for a moment/That’s when I think of you/The battle so far away/Jack says I’m a fool, what does he know, he’s not even human/But this is how it is when you’re a guy who’s seen a girl so beautiful/That she outshines the Parallels/And I can say with certainty/She will be mine/And our hearts will fly so free From this facility/In its Imperial majesty/It is nowhere as terrible as you/For the effect you have on me/Is an apocalypse/Truth lies before me,I take a glimpse/ And I cannot take back what I have seen/You are my oracle, my queen of insanity And I have seen Parallel 6, why must it be so close to your apocalypse? (The lights go out again, then flicker back on. The GARIANs are standing before the tomb, which is open, revealing TRACY. ’If I have Another Life’ is playing faintly in the background.)

TRACY: I told you not to come! My sister is dead! What else do you need from me? GARIAN-4: Jack was right, you know, I always did like you better. (draws his sword and points it at her) Where’s Carbon Garian? TRACY: Why do you follow him? He wanted to kill you all and drink your blood! He wanted to hurt everyone you knew and loved! He even wanted to break the Parallel System! GARIAN-3: Gotta break it to reset it. That’s what he said. We believed him. We surrendered to him. And he was telling the truth. We’re fixed now. We’re whole. We’re one!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 103.

TRACY: You look like four to me. (The screen shows DUNBAR.) Soon you will be zero. Do you recognise this person?

GARIAN: That’s Dunbar. He’s fun to kill! TRACY: Dunbar, tell me where you think Parallel Six is!

DUNBAR (ON SCREEN): There is no Parallel Six! GARIAN-2: What the...?

DUNBAR (ON SCREEN): I’d rather die than spend my life searching for it! TRACY: Go on, we’re all listening! Finally, your chance to speak out! DUNBAR (ON SCREEN): I want to achieve something real!

TRACY: And now you can! You can make your own reality come true! Do it! Now! Focus your will! DRIZZIT (OFFSTAGE): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (DRIZZIT runs on stage. The music gets louder.) DRIZZIT: Dunbar! Do you love to sing?

DUNBAR: Its my passion! I want to be in a band with my brother, who I love! DRIZZIT: And your songs... do you sing them with all your soul? DUNBAR: With everything I have! DRIZZIT: And you really mean the words? DUNBAR: I keep it real, man!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 104.

DRIZZIT: Dunbar, what have all the songs... every single one we’ve been playing... spoken about, at least in part? (’Present of Tear’ as performed by Legion of Qwerty plays in the background. DUNBAR’s image crackles and the screen goes blank. TRACY screams in rage and frustration.) TRACY: Fine! If I can’t take away your dreams, I’ll fuel the bad ending the simple way! I’ll just kill you all instead! GARIAN: Just try it!

TRACY: Meg’s power limiter will be removed in T minus five... four... three... two... one...

MEG (OFFSTAGE): ZERO!!!!! (The lights go off and the music stops. Then, after five seconds, JOHN’s voice can be heard.)

JOHN: I cannot be removed from existence so easily. You have to be that way, if you want to finish an indefinite life sentence. I have always known that I would have to live for infinite years. Kurtliegen will not repeal my sentence. Nor will he give me permission to die. And what’s more... I have always known that if I just lived infinite years, logically speaking, I will have done everything, seen everything happen, had everything done to me. Eventually... inevitably... I will witness Parallel 6. All will fade in time. But I will still be stood here. I will still be waiting. I will still be watching. And I will still be keeping my Island safe. (The spotlight comes on and JOHN is standing there, in full Warden uniform.)