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Walk Through The Stage By Corey ’DeBose’ Schumizer et al Dark Savior Cast of Characters Dunbar: A prisoner who also plays guitar and sings in a band. Matt: Dunbar’s brother, who also sings in the band. Drizzit: The bass player. A lizardman. Evilsizer: The drummer. An axe murderer. Butch’s Sister: A porcine would-be groupie. Kurtliegen: The Warden. DeBose: A dangerous prisoner who is skilled at playing arcade games. Doc: The prison doctor who is a mad scientist. Monster: A dinosaur-like monster. John: A prisoner who has been there for a very, very long time. Garian: A bounty hunter. Kay: A ninja. Tracy: Kay’s good-looking sister. JJ: The leader of one of the organised crime gangs on the island. Meg: A very dangerous prisoner. Sean: Meg’s brother. Also very dangerous. Keitha Bedfrey: The prison nurse. Skilled at euthanasia. (MORE) Cast of Characters (cont’d) Kan Naito: The president of Climax Japan. Garians 2,3,4: Garian in multiple parallel dimensions. Attendants: Kan Naito’s underlings. Scene Jailer’s Island, the world’s highest security prison. Time 2012 ACT I Scene 1 (Jailer’s Port, outside Ponno’s Jalapeno Cafe. The port of the notorious Jailer’s Island, the Universe’s toughest prison. The Cafe looks salubrious and has a flickering neon sign displaying its name and a picture of a bottle of booze. DRIZZIT, a lizard man with blue scaly skin and a prison uniform, walks across sweeping up random leaves and garbage with a broom. He does this twice, then suddenly stops in the middle of the stage and turns to the audience.) DRIZZIT: (looking at his watch) Aw, man, I’m gonna be late! (Throws his broom to the ground and runs into Ponno’s. After a small commotion, DUNBAR, MATT, EVILSIZER and DRIZZIT walk out carrying their instruments. DUNBAR has the guitar and a microphone, MATT has another microphone, EVILSIZER has the drums and DRIZZIT is on bass. They set up their instruments and get into position as the opening riff of ’Sean’ starts to play.) ’Sean’ starts to play. MATT: Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/You’ll never find a place like it/ Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/ Once you’ve been here you won’t want to leave! DUNBAR: Where the giant Morgan turtles run free/and the sharks swim around in the sea! MATT: Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/You’ll never find a place like it/ Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/ Once you’ve been here you won’t want to leave! DUNBAR: There’s a neat Jalapeno on ice/ and the blue roses smell kinda nice. MATT: Oh, and that girl who you’ll grow to adore/oh, with the face you swear you’ve seen before. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. DUNBAR: Well you just cannot run/and you just cannot hide/by the set of the sun/you will be back inside/when you know where you are/you can call it a day/that’s the way/just the way, the way... MATT: All of Dark Savior is yours/Fate is the overwhelming force/That will keep you coming coming back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back... DUNBAR: Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/Maybe you’ve been here before now/Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/Then again maybe you never left. MATT: You should make yourself comfortable here/For the boat only comes once a year. DUNBAR: Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/Maybe you’ve been here before now/Welcome to Jailer’s Isle/Then again maybe you never left. MATT: I swear sometimes that girl disappears/truly she is a ninja to fear. DUNBAR: Oh, some say this is an eternal nightmare/Oh, I think they’re being kinda unfair. MATT: And you just cannot run/and you just cannot hide/by the set of the sun/you will be back inside/when you know where you are/you can call it a day/that’s the way/just the way, the way... DUNBAR: Went to the Warden and said/why am I immortal not dead/and why can’t I help but come back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back... Music fades out. MATT: Ladies and gentlemen, humans, lizardmen, weretigers, werebananas, werepigs, catgirls, Bilano Monsters, Warden... welcome to Jailer’s Island! Hope you enjoy your stay here, this was Legion of Qwerty! DUNBAR: Don’t all rush forward at once, we’ll be here all year, folks! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3. DRIZZIT: Signed T-shirts for only 2 chocolate bars each! We’re saving for our world jailbreak tour! (BUTCH’S SISTER runs on stage, squealing like the fat pig she appears to actually be. She runs up to DRIZZIT and hugs him.) BUTCH’S SISTER: Oh, Drizzit, you were great! DRIZZIT: Uh... thanks? BUTCH’S SISTER: You look so cool playing that guitar! I’m your biggest fan, you know! DRIZZIT: Uh... that’s not really difficult, seeing as we formed, you know, last week? BUTCH’S SISTER: I know you’ll be a superstar one day! DRIZZIT: Well, that’s the plan... BUTCH’S SISTER: I’ve always wanted to date a superstar! DRIZZIT: Um... (tries to break free from the female pig’s grasp, but is held fast by her big piggy arms) BUTCH’S SISTER: No! Don’t leave me! (clearly fake crying) Everyone always leaves me! Even that man my brother promised me he’d set me up with! DUNBAR: Has Butch been making those arranged marriages again? I warned him against that, he’s tried to marry you off to everyone who steps in so far and its giving the cafe a bad reputation. We’re supposed to be in charge of this place! BUTCH’S SISTER: Come to think of it, I didn’t really like that guy anyway... he was acting so weird... DUNBAR: Was he making trouble in the cafe? (brandishes knife) I’ll shank him! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4. BUTCH’S SISTER: He was... well, he jumped onto the stage, then started trying to claw his way through the curtain, like he was looking for something on the other side. He was real desperate. He was even hitting it with a sword! DUNBAR: Hm? There’s nothing on the other side of the stage curtain! Its built into the side of the mountain! Its just a wooden panel and then the rock face! DRIZZIT: You said he had a sword? Did he have blonde spiky hair? BUTCH’S SISTER: Yeah. DRIZZIT: What the...? That was Garian! I wonder what the hell he wants that’s behind the stage? DUNBAR: Who knows? He’s nuts. Every time he comes to the Island he gets pissed out of his skull. EVILSIZER: I know what happened. Obviously, someone is hiding behind the stage that Garian was hired to capture. DUNBAR: But there IS nothing behind the stage! Haven’t you been listening? That’s the trouble with you guys, you never listen! MATT: Uh... guys? DUNBAR: What now? It better not be anything else Garian-related! Stupid bounty hunters! MATT: Look behind you... DUNBAR: Oh, for fuck’s s... (DUNBAR looks behind him and almost walks into KURTLIEGEN, the Warden, who has been sneaking up on them all this time. He sort of looks like John Kerry but with a giant prosthetic pipe wrench in place of one of his arms. He is in a foul mood, as usual.) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5. KURTLIEGEN: Ahem. DUNBAR: Warden! Sir! (salutes) MATT: Sir! Warden! Sir! (salutes) DRIZZIT: Everything in order here, sir! See? (points to the floor) everything’s nice and neat and tidy! (BUTCH’S SISTER and EVILSIZER escape off stage) KURTLIEGEN: And just what exactly do you think you are doing? DUNBAR: We were... um... discussing how much we hate Garian! You hate Garian too, don’t you, Sir? I mean, you do try and kill him a lot... KURTLIEGEN: What ELSE are you doing? DUNBAR: Um... we’re... DRIZZIT: Playing a song! KURTLIEGEN: A song? (outraged) DRIZZIT: Yeah, we’ve formed a band. We’re Legion of Qwerty. We’re gonna be famous one day! KURTLIEGEN: And you did this... without my permission? DRIZZIT: We thought you’d be pleased that we found a constructive use for our time that doesn’t get us into any trouble! DUNBAR: Yeah, we’re learning valuable vocational skills to help us be reformed back into society once we leave! KURTLIEGEN: NO FORMING BANDS! How can I be sure this ’rehearsing’ isn’t really a private meeting where you all plot against me? How can I be sure that this ’music’ of yours isn’t seditious lies designed to inspire the other prisoners to rebel against me? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6. DUNBAR: Aww, Warden! But... KURTLIEGEN: But nothing! If I’d known you wanted to do something more useful, I’d have sent you down the Bilanium mines! DUNBAR: N... no! Anything but that! KURTLIEGEN: Okay, you can report to Doc first thing tomorrow morning for medical experiments! DUNBAR: Y... you wouldn’t! KURTLIEGEN: Or maybe you can marry the pig and stop that whole fracas so we can all have a little peace and quiet around here! DUNBAR: AAAAAAARGH! How could you? That’s just cruel and unusual! MATT: Sir... do you know that EvilSizer got out of his cell again? KURTLIEGEN: WHAT? Okay, I guess this is an emergency, so I’ll decide your punishments later. Go back to your cells and don’t disobey me again, or its the Carbon Freeze Chamber for all of you! (Exit KURTLIEGEN) DRIZZIT: Well, I for one think we got away rather lightly there! MATT: Yeah, that psycho saved our ass again.
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