Strictly speaking word ‘superlatives’. Well done.” THE RINGER RACE IS ON And who could forget the judges, With the words “Sylvia Young” annually inciting a Week Seven “fraud!” ever narrowing the gap between life tabloid splash, what strategy have this year’s ringers adopted? and a Spitting Image puppet. Darcey Bussell’s new contract states her feet ✤ Helen George Out and proud, waxing lyrical about her childhood bedroom may never touch the ground – or, more plastered with Darcey posters. Prepare for teacher’s pet ballet moves aplenty. worryingly, lifts are deemed her safest contribution to opening dances. Flying ✤ Georgia May Foote What “Cost of living crisis” was to Ed the flag for the female gaze (or suffering Miliband, “Young and on a journey” is to Georgia, who’s found a Poldark withdrawal), she’s already potentially sympathetic narrative and is clinging on for dear life. on the lookout for someone to lavish her breathy “This is not just perving. ✤ Jamelia Will talk us into submission. (Seriously. She This is M&S perving” praise upon. has never had an unexpressed thought.) Duck and cover, Anthony Ogogo. Craig Revel Horwood is now paid ✤ Peter Andre At least 75 per cent concentrated reality TV on a pound-per-pirouette basis (or at this point. If he can’t bury innate ringer-ness beneath sob those new hips are stuck on “Rotate”), stories deployed with military precision, no one can. while Len Goodman has discovered Dickens’ Wikipedia page and is punning ✤ Daniel O’Donnell Don’t discount the possessor of the Irish vote, Catholic accordingly. These are hard times. ➣ vote and granny vote – you’re never more than six feet from a Daniel fan. Or is that rats? Also: smile and hair DARK HORSES both remain unmoving in a stiff breeze; Ah, Len’s first “dark horse” critique – the true sign that dead behind the eyes like a shark. autumn is upon us. The runners and riders are: giving off serious Louisa Lytton and ✤ Anthony Ogogo The combination of sporting physique and metrosexual Vincent Simone vibes; actress Kellie knowledge that the best case scenario modelling bodes well. Yes, he might lose the arm entirely before the year Bright dragging out ye olde “The one is standing on the sidelines of a fading is out, but it would be in service of dance. Although… before you place Strictly speaking part I’m scared of playing is myself” show with Olly Murs. Welcome back! your bets, don’t forget the cautionary boxer tale of Joe Calzaghe. (see: Patsy Kensit et al); and Anita Marianka Swain gives her light- show wasn’t so much a reveal as Rani channelling Caroline Flack’s IT’S A MAD, MAD, ✤ Anita Rani From Countryfile cow dung correspondent to the voice of a hearted verdict on Strictly Come confirmation of the Daily Mirror’s tomboy narrative. By “tomboy”, we MAD, MAD WORLD nation. “I’m not sure how he’s going to teach me, because I can’t actually Dancing’s class of 2015 spoilerific “astrologer predictions” of course mean “Doesn’t yet have Nothing says Strictly like a David look at his face,” she sensibly explained when told that smouldering hunk of (truly, those are the hardest-working their own line of organic lip gloss”. Lynch-meets-panto Brief Encounter by Gleb would be partnering her. Ones to air quotes in history). I’ve consulted Speaking of Flackers, 2014’s champ way of Butlins fever dream opening. I watch (and not just for that reason). fter seemingly decades of my trusty psychic hole punch and can returned to remind us that… Well. She salute you, suburbia “skit” aka contest MARMITE CELEBS celebrity reveals on every predict Pulitzers for all involved. was very good last year. Let’s leave it at to find the very worst actor among the ✤ Katie Derham Could this be Love them, hate them, drop their A BBC outlet known to man, Entering Series 13, contestant that, shall we? At least she brought great pros (Pasha Kovalev, always). Dancing Anton’s year? Just kidding. It hasn’t name into the Digital Spy forums Strictly Come Dancing has finally narratives are becoming eerily familiar. wisdom for our current crop aka a world in the street to, well, “Dancing in been Anton’s year since 1972. Still, and watch the piranhas feast: we begun and the pairings unveiled to Among the ghostly sightings: Georgia record number of reality TV clichés the Street” re-established the show’s the doyenne of the Proms hits that always need divisive contestants. an eager nation on September 5. May Foote and Giovanni Pernice packed into ten seconds and the bleak fondness for the thuddingly literal, naughty-but-nice, oh-so-middle- Well, ish. To address the elephantine and let’s salute its ability to replace one class sweet spot – clearly a fembot ✤ Kirsty Gallacher Yes, she’s a crystal ball in the room: the launch scandal (filming on a train previously developed in a BBC lab to ward competitive sportsperson, but in a IN WITH THE NEW used for porn) with another (hello, off Tory cuts. Also: can count! totally fun way! Life of the party! I After Robin Windsor, Trent Whiddon and Iveta Lukosiute waltzed off into Fifties gender politics: “You stick to mean, not the kind of party where PARTNERS IN CRIME the sunset – or, in Robin’s case, headed to It Takes Two, along with Joanne serving tea, little lady, while us men ✤ Jay McGuiness Not so much dark people ignore drinks coasters ✤ Georgia May Foote and Giovanni Clifton – Strictly welcomed three new professionals: South African Latin take care of this train business”). horse as a limping foal begging to or play games without a clear Pernice ✤ Kirsty Gallacher and champion Otlile “Oti” Mabuse, Russian Dancing with the Stars veteran The glimmer of pro Latin be shot, but starts with such a low winner, but still… Rebranding! Brendan Cole ✤ Helen George and Gleb Savchenko, and Italian stallion Giovanni Pernice. The show’s first disappointed, but we were given performance level that any flicker (Let the think pieces on gender Aljaž Škorjanec ✤ Jamelia and Tristan black pro, Oti, is already a strong presence in group numbers; Giovanni the gift of actual ballroom in hold as of expression will bring about an double standards commence.) MacManus ✤ Ainsley Harriott and is the proud recipient of the Bruce Forsyth Comedy Foreigner Prize 2015; Brendan Cole donned tails to enter the almighty J word transformation. Natalie Lowe ✤ Iwan Thomas and Ola and Gleb might not be too bad to look at, if you like that kind of thing. post-apocalyptic wasteland where only Bring on the “acting” coach. Plus ✤ Iwan Thomas The personality Jordan ✤ Jay McGuiness and Aliona Unfortunately, their laboured Strictly: After Dark! intro number, with Goth female dancers have survived. He’s that Mick Hucknell wig must equivalent of drinking orange Vilani ✤ Jeremy Vine and Karen Hauer fetish styling and the series’ entire dry ice budget, was a misguided attempt never had this exact fantasy. Not at all. be working for… someone? juice after brushing your teeth, ✤ Anthony Ogogo and Oti Mabuse at rebellious cool. It’s BBC teatime, guys. Let’s not embarrass ourselves. Other joyful eccentricities included this runner/aspiring stripper has ✤ Katie Derham and Anton du Beke the Strictly approach to complementary already flirted with wardrobe ✤ Carol Kirkwood and Pasha Kovalev colours – why shouldn’t red, yellow, Daly narrowed in on the autocue, malfunction by handling his ✤ Daniel O’Donnell and Kristina Rihanoff ✤ Peter Andre and Janette Manrara purple and pink join forces in a retina- Claudia Winkleman ad-libbed sly partner like a shot put. About as ✤ Anita Rani and Gleb Savchenko ✤ Kellie Bright and Kevin Clifton Above: The latest Strictly Come Dancing searing glory of a skirt? – and odd gems like this, to our new boxer: attention averse as Katie Hopkins. celebrities with their pro partners. couple presenting duo. While Tess “I like the fact you just used the 40 • DANCING TIMES Photograph: Guy Levy, courtesy of the BBC. WWW.DANCING-TIMES.CO.UK • OCTOBER 2015 • 41 Strictly speaking GAME FOR A LAUGH Who is this year’s Sergeant or Widdecombe? Big clown shoes to fill, but several have potential. ✤ Jeremy Vine Giddy about the “swingometer” pun; out- Tess-ed Tess in the forced banter department; developing GROUP DANCE a committed relationship Disappointingly little carnage of late, but it has become a good barometer of with his sparkly top hats. performance (not tabloid “astrologer” good, but for us mere mortals…). To that end: Jamelia, Peter and Helen cemented ✤ Ainsley Harriott Already in a their favourite status; Anthony has ham-off with Mr Vine; embraced hit the free bar and is ready to get this STRICTLY BINGO a shirt Maria Von Trapp fashioned wedding disco started; Kirsty attacks ✤ We learn that the quickstep out of Liberace’s shower curtains; every move with the determination is, indeed, quick has no cringe barrier, as evinced of one nearing the end of an SAS ✤ Len says: “You came aht by early career choice the assault course; Ainsley puts the “flan” and gave it some gurtcha!” Calypso Twins. If you haven’t in “flamboyant” (I know, I know. I ✤ Giovanni eats a pizza. basked in that eye-watering stole it from Len); Katie prances like In a gondola glory, get thee to a YouTube. a particularly graceful dressage pony; ✤ Craig eviscerates a Jeremy gives major Zoolander Blue “dance disaaahster” ✤ Carol Kirkwood Forecast: Steel; Jay’s captors have told him ✤ Someone mentions wanting enough terrible weather jokes to they will release his family unharmed to get to Blackpool make the Met Office think they’re if he just raises his right arm.