page 2 the paper november 15, 2017

2017 elections, pg. 3 Drugs at Fordham, pg. 9 Pathhway to Paris, pg. 15 F & L, pg. 21-22 Earwax, pg. 23

the paper “One Hit Wonders (in the US)” c/o Office of Student Involvement Editors-in-Chief Fordham University John “Feel Good Inc.” Looby Bronx, NY 10458 Luis “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” Gómez [email protected] News Editors http://fupaper.blog/ Nick “Pachelbel’s Canon in D” Peters Declan “Take On Me” Murphy the paper is Fordham’s journal of news, analysis, comment and review. Students from all years and disciplines get together biweekly to produce a printed version of the paper using Opinions Editors Adobe InDesign and publish an online version using Wordpress. Photos are “borrowed” from Colleen “Stacey’s Mom” Burns Internet sites and edited in Photoshop. Open meetings are held Tuesdays at 9:00 PM in McGin- Rachel “Never Gonna Give You Up” Poe ley 2nd. Articles can be submitted via e-mail to [email protected]. Submissions from Arts Editors students are always considered and usually published. Our staff is more than willing to help Matthew “Jump Up, Super Star!” Whitaker new writers develop their own unique voices and figure out how to most effectively convey their Michael “Video Killed the Radio Star” Sheridan thoughts and ideas. We do not assign topics to our writers either. The process is as follows: have an idea for an article, send us an e-mail or come to our meetings to pitch your idea, write Earwax Editor the article, work on edits with us, and then get published! We are happy to work with anyone Reyna “Electric Avenue” Wang who is interested, so if you have any questions, comments or concerns please shoot us an e- Features and List Editors mail or come to our next meeting. Hillary “MMMbop” Bosch So, why come write for us? We are a constantly evolving publication, and have been since Meredith “Oogway Ascends” Mclaughlin 1972. We provide an outlet of expression otherwise unavailable to Fordham students. Writers are free to say whatever they want, whenever they want. We are also pretty cool people, to be Copy Chief completely honest. So please come hang out with us. You’ll have a good time, we promise. Anna “Eye of the Tiger” Passero-Koennecke Editor at Large our aim Claire “Achy Breaky Heart” Nunez the paper is Fordham University’s fully student-run, free speech publication. Our aim is to Digital Editor challenge our writers and our readers: we want to make you think. We provide an outlet for all Michael Jack “I Saw the Signs” O’Brien students to express themselves, whatever their passion may be. Whether it’s commenting on a social issue, writing a factual news article, making people laugh with a humor piece, composing Copy Editor a personal narrative, giving advice or ranting about something that makes you feel a certain Scott “the complete discography of RIght Said Fred“ Saffran strong way -- we have a place for you. Because of our platform as a free speech newspaper, we Contributors tend to push the boundaries of university journalism by talking about important social issues, Andrew Millman, Christian Decker, Robin Happel, David Kennedy, Kyle Zarif, expressing otherwise silenced voices and opinions, addressing Fordham policy and administra- Katelynn Browne, William O’Brien, Jan-Carl Resurreccion, Annie Muscat, Jack tion, and starting serious conversations about what is important to our student body. Here at Archambault, Olivia Langenberg, Marty Gatto, small dogs, Taika Waititi, actually the paper, we encourage creativity and uniqueness, spark dialogue and discussion, and foster clever 280-character tweets, missing the bus and movie, medium dogs, The a community where students are free to fully express themselves. Bell Jar, Mark Hammill trolling Evil!Rey, Congressional testimony, big dogs. november 15, 2017 the paper page 3

Off Year Election Brings Big Wins for Democratic Party by Andrew Millman After a rough year, some good news for long-suffering Democrats Staff True Blue litical career on being Virginia’s self- Jay Inslee wants to implement a carbon molestation when they were underage. Last Tuesday, the first regularly- described “homophobe-in-chief” and tax (among other policies) to tackle the (Ironically, Moore has claimed that scheduled general election in the refused to use the proper pronouns issue. legalizing same-sex marriage would country since Donald Trump became when addressing Roem. Looking for- In Maine, the state’s voters over- lead to child abuse.) The women were president was held. In two states won ward, Northam won three congressio- whelmingly supported a referendum backed up by thirty sources that cor- by Hillary Clinton, Virginia and New nal districts in the state currently held to expand Medicaid under Obamacare, roborated their accounts. His Demo- Jersey, the Democrats won the gover- by Republicans and came very close in which could insure an additional sev- cratic opponent in the race is former norships and other major statewide another. These races will be important enty-thousand residents in the state. U.S. Attorney Doug Jones, who prose- offices. Washington voters gave the in next year’s midterm congressional Maine Governor Paul LePage (R) had cuted the perpetrators of the 1963 Bir- Democrats a majority in the state leg- elections. already stated that he will not imple- mingham church bombing, which killed islature, Maine expanded Medicaid in The outcome in the other guber- ment the voters’ decision. However, four young girls. a referendum. Two New York counties, natorial election was expected. With activists in several states are planning The revelations have caused head- Westchester and Nassau, elected Dem- unpopular incumbent Chris Christie to launch referenda campaigns of their aches for Senate Republicans. A poll ocrats as county executives for the first (R) term-limited, New Jersey elected own to expand Medicaid in 2018. In taken after the scandal was reported time in many years, while Republicans Phil Murphy over Christie’s Lt. Gov., New York, Democrats won two county has Moore and Jones in a tie in a state retained a Utah congressional seat. Kim Guadagno (R), by thirteen points. executive positions long held by Re- that voted for Donald Trump by nearly The most-watched race of the night Murphy has promised a progressive publicans in Westchester and Nassau. thirty points. However, when given the was the Virginia gubernatorial elec- agenda that includes criminal justice In Westchester, George Latimer (D) option of voting for Luther Strange as tion between incumbent Lt. Gov. Ralph reform, marijuana legalization, a state defeated incumbent Rob Astorino (R) a write-in candidate, Jones is ahead in Northam (D) and former RNC chair Ed bank, gun control, and increased edu- by sixteen points after Astorino had the poll by two points. If Moore were to Gillespie (R), who had been in a statisti- cation spending. Like Virginia, New previously won by ten points. In Utah, lose the race, the GOP’s majority in the cal tie in polling. Surprisingly, Northam Jersey could also be important in the Provo Mayor John Curtis won a spe- Senate would drop to 51-49. Moder- won by a nine-point margin, which was 2018 midterms. Two Republican in- cial congressional election to replace ate GOP Senators Lisa Murkowski (AK) four points better than Hillary Clinton’s cumbents have already announced Jason Chaffetz in a conservative dis- and Susan Collins (ME) could now stop win in the 2016 presidential race. The their retirements and another two GOP trict. Curtis is notably more skeptical of many controversial bills, such as the Democrats won in two other statewide incumbents appear to be vulnerable. President Trump than most of his new Republicans’ tax plan. If Doug Jones races as well, with Justin Fairfax and Those eight districts in New Jersey and congressional colleagues. were to win, the Democrats would only incumbent Mark Herring winning the Virginia could be crucial to the Demo- The final major election of 2017 will need to win two Senate races in 2018 races for Lieutenant Governor and At- crats’ path to retaking the House in be the special election for the Alabama in order to take back the Senate, most torney General, respectively. Addition- 2018, which would require them flip- Senate seat vacated by Jeff Sessions likely in Nevada and Arizona, instead of ally, Democrats picked up fifteen seats ping twenty-two seats. when he became Attorney General. also having to win in either Texas or Ten- in the Virginia House of Delegates. As In Washington state, a special elec- State Attorney General Luther Strange nessee. The question will be if Alabama of now, the party holds forty-nine of the tion was held that decided control had been appointed to the seat by for- voters will choose a Democrat over a one-hundred seats in the chamber, but of the state senate, which had been mer Governor Robert Bentley, but lost Republican who is facing credible child four races with Republicans currently in controlled by Republicans. Manka Dh- in the Republican primary to former molestation allegations, which is not a the lead are within the 1 percent mar- ingra, a Democrat, won the open race Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice guarantee since the state overwhelm- gin necessary for a recount. It should in a suburban district near Seattle. Roy Moore. This was in large part be- ingly supported Trump, even after the be noted that Democratic candidates Democrats now hold the governorships cause of Strange’s association with the Access Hollywood tape and multiple won 53 percent of Virginians’ votes for and state legislatures in all three West scandal that forced Bentley from of- accusations of sexual harassment lev- delegates, but will probably retain only Coast states, California, Oregon and fice. Moore has twice been forced out elled against him. forty-nine seats. Washington. The three governors of of office for violating judicial ethics and In other news from the state, Danica those states have already voiced their his charity has come into question for Roem (D) will become the first ever open desire to work together on a number allegedly funneling money to his rela- transgender person to serve as state of progressive causes, most notably tives. Shockingly, four women recently legislator after defeating an incumbent climate change. Washington Governor came forward to accuse Moore of child who had passed his decades-long po- page 4 the paper november 15, 2017 Mueller Madness: First Indictments in Russian Collusion Case by Christian Decker Manafort and others plead “nyet” to conspiring with the Russians Staff Special Counsel As of right now, Manafort has pled not ert “Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men” business man who had ties with the guilty to the charges and appears to not Mueller might have enough evi- Turkish government. Under federal law, On October 27th, the first charges be cooperating with investigators. On the dence to indict former national se- he was required to register with the De- were filled in the ongoing Russian probe other hand, Papadopoulos has been co- curity advisor Michael “definitely not partment of Justice as a foreign agent. considering the country’s interference in operating surprisingly well with investiga- a Russian conspirator” Flynn. This is However, he did not do so until March of the 2016 presidential election. By Mon- tors. Because of Papadopoulos’ involve- potentially problematic for the Presi- this year. If Flynn is indicted, this could day the 30th, we had two indictments, ment with the Trump campaign and the dent, considering he could be facing have serious repercussions for the Presi- one of former Trump campaign man- implications of trying to set up meetings charges for obstruction of justice for dent. Because of President Trump citing ager Paul “I look like every shady busi- with Russian officials, his testimony could firing James “the Scapegoat” Com- “this Russia thing,” as his reason for fir- ness man ever” Manafort, and his busi- be key in allegations against more of the ey, the now former director of the ing James Comey, who at the time was ness partner Rick “who the hell is this White House and campaign staff, and FBI. It is even being rumored that investigating Flynn, the evidence could guy?” Gates. Even more exciting, former possibly even the President himself. Flynn could be aiming for a Presi- come full circle back to the President. advisor to President Trump, George “ok The White House has attempted to dis- dential pardon. This could be a risky Mueller is also looking into a possible seriously who are these people?” Papa- tance itself from Papadopoulos, saying move for Trump, considering Flynn indictment of Flynn’s son, Michael Flynn dopoulos, has pled guilty to lying to “how many Jr.’s could there the FBI about brokering meetings possibly be” Jr. for work with between the Trump campaign and his father’s intelligence firm, Russian officials, according to The which may implicate him in Hill. Now, these indictments are not his father’s charges. It is also directly affecting the White House, possible that Mueller is us- as these meetings and business ing this as leverage for Flynn dealings occurred either before the senior to cooperate with the campaign or did not directly relate investigation. to it, except maybe the Papado- Mueller is also currently poulos guilty plea. However, this investigating statements that would mean that when the Presi- Donald “my dad bought me ev- dent hired Manafort, that the Presi- erything” Trump Jr. made that dent either knew about Manafort’s may have been dictated by his shady background and hired him father. Trump Jr.’s statements anyway, or that he simply just didn’t were regarding reports that he bother to find out. had met with Russian agents Whatever the case of the Presi- for dirt on then Democratic dent’s oversight or lack thereof, candidate Hillary “I can’t run the indictments are pretty damning a good campaign to save my for Manafort and Gates. The men life” Clinton. The statement are accused of making tens of mil- was amended several times, lions of dollars by working for the first stating that there was no Ukrainian government and concealing that he wasn’t really a top advisor in the resigned for being implicated in pos- meeting, and later that it was about po- that work through lying and falsifying White House. However, as recently as a sible Russian collusion, and pardon- tential adoption. At first the White House paperwork, according to The Hill. They few weeks ago, Papadopoulos was seen ing him could send a clear signal of denied any knowledge of these meetings are also accused of laundering millions in an Instagram photo posted by the Pres- his intentions. at all. However, the Washington Post lat- of dollars to fund expensive goods for ident himself, during a prominent advisor Mueller’s evidence is appar- er reported that the President may have themselves. In Manafort’s it came in the meeting at the White House. In the photo, ently lobbying work that Flynn had directed these responses from Air Force form of expensive designer suits, and, Papadopoulos is sitting directly next to done in 2016, according to Business One. apparently, copious amounts of rugs, the President. Insider. According to sources, Flynn according to Last Week Tonight. Recently it has come to light that Rob- was lobbying for Ekim Alptekin, a november 15, 2017 the paper page 5 College Democrats and Republicans Meet for Civil Debate by Declan Murphy No one resorts to name calling, ad hominem, or weird attacks--NOT News Co-Editor Republican put forth a view bordering and was unfortunately derailed almost about whether ISIS members deserve The Fordham College Democrats and on anarcho-capitalism. On the anti- immediately. The Republican debater’s the death penalty). While both sides College Republicans met up on Thurs- free trade side, the Democrat worried laptop crashed, and, lacking notes, he raised intriguing moral and philosophi- day, November 2nd, for their semester- about potential abuses of labor while turned to the offense. After a fruitless cal questions, ultimately these were ly debate, sponsored by the Fordham the Republican espoused protectionist back-and-forth, in which the Repub- buried in the adversarial tone. Political Review. Over a raucous hour sentiments. Faced with such internal lican seemed baffled by the fact that These debates are a tradition within and a half, the two sides covered four contradictions, the two sides debated these “childhood arrivals” had now the Fordham political scene, but in- topics: free trade policies, minimum the merits of each approach with lim- become adults, the debate turned to creasingly, they reflect the growing wage, Deferred Action for Childhood ited success. the legality of the President’s executive divide on campus. The recent speak- Arrivals (DACA), and the death penalty. The second debate dealt with mini- order. Given Trump’s extensive use of ing appearance of Roger Stone high- The panel was moderated by Father mum wage (which, in the interest of executive orders, the discussion turned lighted these divides, but the spirit of Bentley Anderson, from the African- full disclosure, I participated in). The back into a defense of each side’s re- animosity lingers. Even when working American Studies department. debate was intended as an economic spective Presidential model. As with together, the Republicans and Demo- The debate began with an attempt one, but soon took on moralistic tones. most, the debate ended in an impasse. crats are unable to put aside differ- towards bipartisanship. As is custom What began as a discussion of the Finally, the Democrats and the Re- ences. The ideological has become for these departments, two Democrats economic realities of a $15 minimum publicans debated the death penalty, increasingly personal. It does not bode and two Republicans debate, with one wage became an ideological critique in perhaps the most provocative event well for a campus already marked by of each on each side of the given issue. and defense of corporate America. Af- of the evening. The tone was alarm- major political divisions. In this case, the issue was free trade. ter the moderator cut off the Republi- ingly colloquial, with debaters throwing Even among those on same side of the can’s closing statement due to time, around terms like “wack” and “dog”. issue, ideological differences emerged. the crowd grew restless, signaling a The Q&A dove into subjects both prac- On the pro-free trade side, the Demo- discord that would last the remainder tical (the economic costs of the death crat argued for protections afforded of the evening. penalty versus life in prison) and purely by international agreements, while the The third debate dealt with DACA, provocative (an ill-advised question Local Elections Matter: de Blasio Remains in NYC Edition by Nick Peters Victory secured with help of political superstar staffer Nick Peters News Co-Editor candidates were de Blasio, Nicole Mal- this is very dangerous, for others this Republicans) lost to Robert Hodlen, In a wave of Democrat victories all liotakis for the Republicans, Sal Alba- provides a huge opportunity. The split turning the 30th district back to the across the country in the recent elec- nese (running again) for the Reform for a convention was not even Demo- Republicans. tion (see page 3 for details), there were party, Akeem Browder (Green). Michael cratic and Republican, as both sides A lot happens at the local level. The also some noticeable victories in New Tolkin as an independent, Bo Dietl also themselves were divided on this. On constitutional convention could have York City. First and foremost for these as an independent, and Aaron Commey one hand, progressive groups such promised major changes to the very victories was Mayor Bill de Blasio’s re- for the Libertarian Party. However, the as those for legalization for marijuana foundation of New York State, yet few election victory. It was a victory that only major faces in the debate were were for it, as were several pro-busi- knew about it. It opened the door for many had predicted, but some were de Blasio, Maliotakis, and Dietl. Many ness groups. Vehemently opposed to ANYTHING to be changed. This is huge worried that it might be a repeat of the pundits believed the debates were not the constitutional convention were pro- and sweeping, and it just passed by 2016 presidential elections. However, great, as even the crowd started heck- union, pro-labor groups. unnoticed. More people should vote lo- while this was a predictable election, ling de Blasio, and a person had to be Across the boards, the results were cally and pay attention. Local politics is there was also a lot on the line in New removed. There was a lot of squabbling extremely strong for Democrats. De fascinating, and a lot is at stake. People York City than just the mayorship. throughout this election, and de Blasio Blasio won by a sweeping 67 percent can easily implement a lot of change In the primaries, Mayor de Blasio ran showed himself as the opposite of his of the vote, compared to Malliotakis’ at the local level, and very easily com- against Sal Albanese, Richard Bash- two opponents, painting them as right 27.8 percent. The rest of the mayoral pared to the federal level. When your ner, Robert Gangi, and Michael Tolkin. wingers, who were in the vain of Donald candidates did in the 2 and 1 percent. next election comes around, I highly However, the debates for these prima- Trump. The strategy effectively paid off. The convention was promptly voted advise you to pay a little bit of attention ries only consisted of de Blasio and Al- However, there were other issues at down by the entire state, at a solid 85 to the going-ons of the local level. Its banese. Albanese was the only other stake in this election. Most important percent of the vote. The second consti- fascinating, and most of all extremely candidate who could raise enough was the Constitutional Convention that tutional amendment, pension reform, important. money to participate in the debate. was being voted for on the ballot. Every was voted in at around 70 percent. The However, despite Albanese’s efforts, 20 years New Yorkers can vote to have third amendment, Adirondacks land Note: I worked on this election for the de Blasio basically took the election. a convention, where representatives use, was a little more divided, with a de Blasio campaign in the Bronx. How- On the Republican side, Nicole Mal- are sent for around 8 months to rewrite 52/48 split in favor of the amendment, ever, for the purposes of this article, I liotakis, a New York State Assembly and change parts of the constitution. with most of New York City voting no. wanted to stay as bipartisan as pos- member, ran without opposition in the Basically, every other part of the New Democrats largely retained the City sible. This article is intended to stress primaries. York constitution is open for delegates Council. However Elizabeth Crowley the importance of local politics. For the actual general election, the to remove or add as they will. For many (who previously flipped her seat from page 6 the paper november 15, 2017 Faker than Businessman Talks to Strangers 3: SHJINA Edition by Luis Gómez For 11 days, Trump is Asia’s problem, not ours Truth Co-Editor in Chief Trump also meant to visit the DMZ, phenomenon not the movie) nations, by Nick Peters Asia has been one of Donald Trump’s the heavily fortified border between including the US, China, Japan, Mexico, North and South Korea, but was de- and Australia. Doug Mills, a reporter for Angry the paper Editor Shuts most common rhetorical targets since railed by bad weather. the New York Times tweeted a black Down the paper Twitter Account the campaign. Trump has repeatedly One of the more notable moments box, saying that there was “no coverage Before Leaving railed against China for currency goug- ing practices, and both China and Ja- during Trump’s visit to China was the by the White House Travel pool photog- lack of press access. Administration of- raphers” from the event. This Saturday, during our pan for taking manufacturing jobs away ficials said that the press pool was not Trump also made headlines after regular scheduled production, one from the US. Trump also spent much allowed to ask questions following a running into Vladimir Putin at the side- begrudged co-editor left in deep of the campaign attacking the Trans- joint press conference between Trump lines of the APEC summit meeting. anger. Before leaving, the cheeky Pacific Partnership, a multilateral trade The leaders shook hands bastard jumped onto a computer agreement with several and spoke briefly. When which had the paper twitter open Asia-Pacific nations, asked about the content on it, and deleted it. which was the target of their conversation, This lasted a total of 12 min- of one of his first presi- Trump stated that he had utes until one EIC noticed and dential orders. asked Putin once again if contacted Twitter to get the issue When Trump an- Russia had colluded in the resolved. Unfortunately, Twitter nounced an Asia trip, 2016 election, and that doesn’t give a shit about the paper, therefore, it seemed Putin said that he hadn’t. so they did not even respond to us. more consequential Trump then went on to call Because of this, all of the quality than previous visits to several prominent mem- content that was on our twitter has the region. Internation- bers of the US intelligence been lost to the endless void that al presidential trips are committee, including the is the internet of 2017 CE. It will always hyper-complex former and current direc- never be seen again. tasks of planning, and tors of the CIA, all of whom Content lost includes things they offer a chance for agree on the fact of Rus- such as Meme Mondays, random leaders to present, es- sian meddling in the 2016 nonsensical tweets from our EIC’s sentially, their thesis on election, “political hacks.” (although they deny it), all the pa- international relations Also, there was that per articles that have been tweeted for their administration. thing with Shinzo Abe and out, and the numerous retweets The twelve-day Asia and Chinese president Xi Jinping. In the fish food at a koi pond in Japan that from paper editors’ accounts that trip brought Donald Trump to Japan, past visits to China, US officials have became news for absolutely no reason. totally are not them retweeting China, South Korea, Vietnam, and the pushed for press access despite Chi- While under normal circumstances a themselves. Philippines. Trump met with leaders nese officials’ wishes to the contrary. trip like this would likely consume the Obviously this is a tragedy, from each country, partaking in bilat- The move to disallow press access international news cycle for several Shakespearean or Greek in nature. eral meetings regarding trade and mili- was seen by many as acceding to the days, Trump’s visit to Asia has struggled This vile and cruel twist of fate has tary strength. demands of a foreign administration to break through. So, while Trump has sucked a little bit more happiness Further highlighting the importance with notoriously limited press access, made repeated promises during his trip from an already joyless world, nay of this trip is Trump’s consistent attacks especially for its highest leader. Some that he will refuse any more multilater- universe. on the North Korean regime. Trump speculated that this move was part of al trade agreements, these words have The identity of the editor shall and Kim Jong-un have been sparring Trump’s ongoing feud with the news largely fallen on deaf ears back home. remain nameless, but he quit, so if verbally for months, provoking one an- media. The consequence of this is that one were to peruse our editor list other into increased military action. Trump also seemed ready to absolve Trump’s outright rejection of multilater- for this issue, it is apparent who Since Trump took office, Kim Jong- Chinese leadership of their role in in- al trade agreements signals the biggest this perpetrator is, just saying. un’s regime has conducted over fifteen creasing the US-China trade deficit, change in the US’ economic strategy to If you see this editor, snarl at missile tests, and launched rockets even though said deficit was a ma- date. During his APEC speech, Trump them, mock them, and tell them over Japan. Tests like this have been jor point of his campaign. In a tweet, has made a point of showily dismissing they are a horrible human being common for the North Korean regime, Trump said that he “[doesn’t] blame what he described as “chronic trade who contributed to the pain and especially since the country’s acquisi- China” but instead puts the fault on abuses” by Asian trade partners. In the suffering of this miserable planet tion of a nuclear bomb in 2006. During “the incompetence of past Admins for past, the US has promoted multilateral we call Earth in the year 2017. the Obama administration, the regime allowing China to take advantage of the trade agreements as a key part of its Life is dead. Joy is dead. Happi- performed at least a dozen missile US” and claimed that he “would have international strategy, most notably via ness is dead. the paper twitter is tests, only some of which were success- done the same.” the signing of NAFTA in 1994. Trump’s dead. Long live @fupaper. Joined in ful. However, North Korea’s operational Press access was also limited dur- choice to reject these agreements 2010. Died in 2017. capacity has increased lately, as has ing Trump’s visit to the Asia-Pacific could upend nearly three decades of What is dead may never die. their missile test success rate. Experts now believe that North Korea has reli- Economic Cooperation (APEC) 2017 US trade policy. able mid-range nuclear missiles, and summit, a gathering of leaders from And, really, how did the fish food thing that a long-range ICBM is not far off. twenty-one Pacific Rim (the geological become news? november 15, 2017 the paper page 7 Paradise Papers Show Illuminati Probably Exist Realer by Michael Jack O’Brien There’s Trouble in Paradise (Papers) Digital Editor appear to matter who it is or what might not surprise you. Only a week after There’s a common saying that goes they do--if a client has money, these the release of the documents, it was re- Than something along the lines of the fol- offshore firms are happy to offer vealed that over 104 American universi- lowing: “Tis impossible to be sure of their services (shocking, I know). ties have been named in Appleby’s files. anything but Death and Taxes”. Now, Some of the more insidious dis- It is inferred that these universities have Fact while the secret to immortality is a coveries listed in the documents become big investors in the offshore in- way off, it is no secret that among pertain to the inner cabinet of the vestment industries, utilizing a variety of by Declan Murphy the ranks of the super wealthy elite, Trump administration. While Trump hedge funds and private equity firms to taxes are anything but a guarantee. claims to stand by an “America First” amass massive sums of money, paying Giant Evil Crabs Are Here to In the second biggest data leak in his- economic policy, the same cannot little or no tax on their profits. Accord- Murder All of Us tory, second only to ing to the documents, the Panama Papers four of ten universi- Listen, there are a lot of ways leak of 2015, the ties with the largest the world could end. Donald Trump International Con- endowments in Amer- could start a nuclear war. Climate sortium of Investiga- ica have been listed, change could make the Earth in- tive Journalists (ICIJ) including Princeton, hospitable. An asteroid could crash has released over Columbia, Rutgers, land, or a supervolcano could go a terabyte of data, University of Pennsyl- off, or... or over 13.4 million vania, and Stanford. There could be giant crabs. documents outlining Some schools such These giant crabs--called coco- the business deal- as Northeastern Uni- nut crabs--have been documented ings of offshore law versity, Alabama, and since Darwin’s voyages to the firms, who, among Syracuse have used islands they inhabit. But much was other services, spe- these offshore funds still unknown about these crea- cialize in the multi- for secret investment tures. They take the name from billion dollar indus- into carbon-emitting the fact that they are able to crack try of tax-avoidance. industries; most nota- open and eat coconuts. The biggest of these bly, it was discovered However, this week it was re- companies, the Ber- that dozens of schools vealed that coconut crabs can kill muda based law have contributed to a and eat birds. Scientists obtained firm Appleby, has an hedge fund managed video of a coconut crab destroying extensive list of big name corporate be said of his commerce secretary by EnCap investments, a Texas based in- a seagull and beginning to eat it. In clients including Uber, Apple, Nike, Wilbur Ross, who, according to the vestment firm that prides itself on being the aftermath of the killing, appar- and Wells Fargo. Appleby provides leaked files, holds a sizable stake the premier provider of capital for oil and ently a swarm of other cocounut many services: from drafting wills to in the Navigator shipping company, gas companies. According to The Guard- crabs came together to devour the establishing trusts. However, one of owned by Vladimir Putin’s son-in- ian, since 1988 EnCap has invested over bird.That’s right. These are not the most important services they pro- law. This discovery is the latest in $20bn into exploration for oil and natural just giant crabs. These are giant vide is the establishment of shell com- several findings that establish a gas in states such as Pennsylvania, Tex- MURDER crabs. panies (companies or corporations clear link between Ross’s personal as, Louisiana. These revelations came Here are some more terrifying which serve as vehicles for financial business dealings and Russian fi- as a surprise for student environmental facts: coconut crabs can grow to transactions). It is important to realize nance, which was scrutinized before organizations such as DivestNU in North- the size of small dogs, and they that because the country of Bermuda Ross took office. Also named in the eastern University, who for years had can CLIMB TREES. is a tax-haven, meaning that it fea- Paradise Papers is Trump’s chief been fighting to persuade their university Here are some less real (but tures minimal tax regulation or over- economic advisor Gary Cohn, who in administration to reveal its investments more terrifying) opinions: they are sight, Appleby and its clients are capa- a span of eight years was the presi- into carbon emitting industries. scary big. We may not be able to ble of “sheltering” enormous amounts dent or vice president of twenty-two As of now, it is unclear how the stu- hide to from them. They will rule of revenue and profits from the prying different Bermuda based entities; it dents of these universities will react to the world. eyes of tax agencies such as the IRS. is revealed that Cohn held these po- these findings, or how said investments In addition to its sheer size, the Par- sitions in service of Goldman Sachs, effect the students. As more and more As a poet once said: “So this adise Papers is astonishing for laying after which he stepped down from universities are named in the docu- is how the world ends. Not with a out the sheer scope of these opera- the positions to become the presi- ments, it could be predicted that calls for bang, but with GIANT EVIL CRABS.” tions, including its extensive list of cli- dent of the multinational finance greater regulation of university endow- ents. This includes multinational cor- company. Rex Tillerson, former CEO ment money will get louder. It is unknown porations like Nike and Apple, private of ExxonMobil is also named in the as to whether Fordham University has estates including the estates of Prince files. been named in the documents. Only time Charles, Queen Elizabeth, Madonna, Businessmen, politicians, celebri- will tell as more information is revealed Bono, and countless politicians and ties and royalty; just who else was to the public. businessmen. As it stands, it doesn’t caught in this dragnet? The answer page 8 the paper november 15, 2017 COINTELPRO and the FBI’s Secret History of Racism by Robin Happel New FBI classifications reinforce patterns of racial suppression Staff Freedom Fighter ing FBI involvement in King’s assas- skin. Rustin called this his “time on two such a designation may seem far from the Half a century ago, the FBI called sination, seem far-fetched, although crosses.” Such a struggle is often erased March on Washington, it is important to re- Martin Luther King, Jr. “a colossal Coretta Scott King firmly believed by simplistic portrayals of the civil rights member that our halcyon vision of Dr. King fraud and an evil, vicious one at that.” Hoover had her husband killed. Oth- movement, which show the state as is far from how he appeared at the time, To J. Edgar’s men, Dr. King was “a slow er lesser known stories, such as the sympathetic, rather than deeply afraid and polemics against groups like Black thinker,” and they ironically sent him FBI’s virulent homophobia in attacking of anything besides stasis. This sugar- Lives Matter parallel polemics against King many typo-riddled letters telling him civil rights leader Bayard Rustin, have coating not only serves to erase men himself. In the 1960s, polls showed that this, as well as urging him to give up, sadly since been confirmed. Rustin or- like Rustin, but also supports the view over 60 percent of white Americans dis- to surrender to Jim Crow, even to kill ganized the March on Washington and that the law is somehow always just, approved of the Freedom Riders, and the himself. The FBI later attempted and thus always to be obeyed. The FBI, majority thought lunch counter sit-ins to blackmail him into refusing were actually counterproductive to the the Nobel Peace Prize, using cause of integration. 55 percent of read- threats that, characteristic of the ers of the Ladies’ Home Journal thought Bureau’s best and brightest, ar- Viola Liuzzo deserved to die. Cartoons rived in King’s mailbox after he in prominent papers showed Dr. King had already accepted the award. as looting and violent, and many white The FBI’s initiative was brutal, Americans believed he was taking things belligerent, and often banal. too far, and that civil rights had been Between breathlessly accus- adequately resolved during Reconstruc- ing Dr. King of “hidious [sic] ab- tion, much as some now see King him- normalities” and attempting to self as ending discrimination in America. blackmail him using warrantless While many arguments against wiretaps, they barely had time to Black Lives Matter are simply tied to the combat the Klan, if indeed they same tired claims, perhaps the problem chose to at all. In one famous is also partly how history is taught. When case, Viola Liuzzo, an activist in we first learn about Dr. King, he seems to Selma, was fatally shot by one many of us somehow separate from our- of the FBI’s own informants. selves, cut out in black and white, part of The FBI launched a smear J. Edgar Hoover abused the FBI’s power to smear King and other civil rights leaders another age, although he might be alive campaign against her even today had he not been assassinated. We as her young children grieved. place ourselves almost outside of his- Admittedly, the line between fact taught Dr. King how to protest peace- in short, has for decades attempted to tory when we erase the work of men like and fiction in the early years of the fully. Yet he was largely erased from suppress stories such as Rustin’s in or- Rustin, who saw the burgeoning gay rights FBI smear campaign COINTELPRO history by the efforts of the Bureau der to uphold its own vision of social or- movement towards the end of his life as is necessarily blurred, as the FBI be- and social conservatives like Strom der, preferring instead to paint a picture equivalent to the civil rights movement. We gan to bury their blackmail once they Thurmond, who pressured King to dis- of activists as aggressors, as un-Ameri- see ourselves as having moved past strug- saw King gaining ground, blacking out tance himself from Rustin, or risk be- can, anathema to peace and patriotism. gles we are still very much a part of, and blocks of Liuzzo’s case files. The FBI ing accused of a relationship with him. Such stories are relevant not too often white Americans refuse to see slipped their libel against King any- Like Langston Hughes, James Bald- only because some of the FBI’s more the ways in which we are complicit in allow- where they hoped it would never see win, and other activists, Rustin was of- salacious allegations were recently un- ing men like Hoover free rein to restrict free the light of day, including the recently ten silenced by his government, side- earthed as noted, but also because the speech. We like to imagine ourselves as he- released JFK files. Some allegations, lined by a society that could not accept Bureau is once again targeting those it roes in history, but we forgot that someday such as the King v. Jowers case argu- both his sexuality and the color of his deems “black identity extremists.” While we too will have to answer to the future. november 15, 2017 the paper page 9

Cutting the Line: Fordham’s Not-So-Underground Drug Problem By Anonymous It’s so bad that cocaine is so cool Staff Narc I’ve seen people hunched over these encounters, my curiosity grew. recognize the systematic nature of its would yield this amount of fun with white powder strewn on countertops Eventually I came into contact with distribution to Fordham, as well as the the drug, but rather the aesthetic and cut up with razor blades into fine accounts of a higher intensity. Imagine: fact that the systematic distribution of this type of scenario is imposed lines. Then, they fucking danced, you’re standing, drunk and disheveled, is due to Fordham students actually on the much more common and, in drank, and trembled ecstatically in the swishing around the eclectic aftertaste purchasing the stuff. comparison, lackluster settings in wake of hipster electro-punk dirges, in your mouth from all the liquor that Furthermore, I feel there is a which college kids do cocaine. Two: like Quakers at some incestuous brought you to a late-night gathering at mentality of the act of doing cocaine however enormously fun doing cocaine pseudo-sermon. How odd. It is an acquaintance’s apartment, when as being highly stylish, sexy, and would be, particularly in a scenario bizarre, being accosted by the reality suddenly, you witness a disturbing liberatingly deviant. This might even that lends itself to the drug, the loss of hard drugs while transitioning to amount of cocaine and cash exchanged be grounded in how the experience of control and the consequences of a city college, myself previously only between two young men. These men feels, but nevertheless, I think it’s this loss are too large and realistic being used to the ominously potent especially malicious possible outcomes of partaking in this pot plants of the rednecks of rurality. to aestheticize fun. Though all this is tough to consider Additionally, Adderall is a veritable cocaine. When when we are already in an altered state right of passage in college. It seems cocaine is painted of mind. so playfully hysterical to see somebody in this way, it is Truly, then, I feel submitting to cocaine suspiciously wide-eyed and spitting in pursuit of a is submitting to fatalism. To shove fire into their keyboard at 2:00 a.m. particular aesthetic. poison—special, world-ending poison— on a Sunday night in the lib. Cocaine, For example, over into ones body should be a decision however, threw me off. this summer, I went only to be expected of the drunk or The first thing I learned about cocaine to an underground the stoned. Most, or at least many of at Fordham was that the nervous Brooklyn EDM dance us have done weird or crazy shit while fellow I bought weed from the first party. I remember intoxicated. Making good decisions week of school sold it, presumably as seeing a topless isn’t the specialty of the intoxicated. overpriced as his other product. Upon girl with black tape However, when one plans while sober learning this, my mother’s permeating on her nipples to do coke (at Fordham), one is giving maxim echoed in my head: “Cocaine mesmerizingly in to circumstantial availability. Also, es no bueno.” That being said, I was were almost definitely affiliated with gyrating her torso and slowly raising and more importantly, one is ignoring fascinated. the sale of cocaine at Fordham. her buoyant arms above her head. ones self worth. It may be lame, cliché, I started to do my research with Cocaine is systematically distributed She was surreal and purple in the or corny to shit on drug culture, but I respect to information pertinent to this area. This is evident both in cool lights. Stylish. Sexy. Liberating feel like it is overwhelmingly pertinent to Fordham, and dug up several purchases akin to that of the large- and deviant. Then, she dipped into given cocaine, as I have seen it, is the anecdotes, which lead me to believe quantity drug deal and in the prevalence the bathroom with a friend, shut the most accessible hard drug to a college that not only was this polite, charming of individual dealers accessible to canvas-covered door behind them, and student in New York. In addition, no young entrepreneur not an anomaly, students. Twice, in interacting with cast a silhouette of a figure with its matter the enormous ecstasy it could but that in fact he set a subcultural mere friends of acquaintances, I have nose pressed ravenously against the bring us, doing cocaine in a setting standard. People told me of times at received a short but enthusiastic corner of the bathroom sink. where it’s “worth it,” so to speak, bars or at parties where they drunkenly invitation to buy coke. Here it is Upon reflection, this actually seems means risking the loss of self-control. sniffed out this subculture in small important to remember that not only and, I would assume, was extremely But then again...it would probably be doses, taking an impulsive bump and is cocaine distributed, but it is also fun. However, I think there are two pretty amazing to have my cake and consequently crossing the deed off purchased. I feel that people outside stipulations to this fun. One: most of eat it too. their bucket list. And of course, with of Fordham’s cocaine culture don’t the time one is not in a context that page 10 the paper november 15, 2017 NaNoWriMo Is a Death Sentence But I Will Not Give Up By Jan-Carl Resurreccion Maintaining daily writing goals has never been so important Staff Novelist-in-Training the same name. Things like these are essays. (That last category really for NaNoWriMo. But the ideas don’t I am four-thousand three-hundred huge time sinks, and while some (if upsets me.) stop coming just because you choose words behind my NaNoWriMo not most) of the planning should be One is tempted, quite frankly, to to not work on them, and every time schedule at time of starting this done prior to November, inevitably abandon some of these engagements my progress stalls on my novel, some article. Naturally, I chose to write a one is going to have to spend time in favor of just getting more words other idea or project comes knocking nine-hundred word article about it. thinking about what to write during down for NaNoWriMo. Alas, these on my proverbial door, asking for its For the uninitiated, National Novel NaNoWriMo itself. Indeed, the time things are too important to me to give share of my time. Writers’ Month (NaNoWriMo) is an up so easily, and The big problem with holes is that event that takes place during the so my novel lies they have a bad habit of compounding. month of November. Writers are given languishing. Each day’s commitment does not a lofty goal – fifty-thousand words in To add insult to decrease just because you need to only thirty days. That works out to injury, it’s not as if catch up, and so the gap between almost seventeen-hundred words a I am usually a slow where you are and par grows and day. Even speedy writers often need writer. In the mood, grows. Really, a week off of progress is a couple hours to hit their daily goal. I can turn out a death sentence without a herculean For the numerically uninitiated, eight-hundred to a effort to recover, and I can only hope allow me to impress on you how thousand words in next week will give me the respite I many words that is. Most articles in an hour, and even need to put it in. Unfortunately, there this publication run from six hundred on a slow day I can are only bad options from here on to a thousand words, and the majority put out five- or six- out. It is simply impractical to close run upwards of eight hundred. The hundred. But the the gap in a few days. There is no October issue ran nineteen articles sheer volume of way I will be able to write five- or six- over eight hundred words. The whole work I have has thousand words in one day to catch publication ran roughly sixteen- commitment is so huge that many consumed all of my writing time. me up to par. Writing so much in one thousand words. NaNoWriMo asks participants suggest abandoning all My other complaint with day will burn a soul out, which is why you to write over three copies of the editing work until after NaNoWriMo NaNoWriMo lies in its focus. One is progress has to be gradual. This is paper in one month. Go grab three is over. (In fact, one should wait a supposed to pour all of their writing why maintaining a daily writing goal copies of the paper. I’ll wait. That’s a couple weeks to let the novel stew effort into one singular work, so as and meeting it is so important. When lot of words, isn’t it? (Don’t forget to before you go back to edit it.) You to finish it. Now, this is an admirable one stops writing daily, one loses the put those copies of the paper back, have enough on your plate getting goal, and one I actively choose. Not groove, and it takes a few days to get unless you plan on sharing them. words down; making sure those all who participate in NaNoWriMo back into it. As much as it looks good to pad words are good words will triple your follow this so strictly. But I am the Alas, gradual progress is a door also our consumption numbers, it really time commitment. kind of soul who has many ideas, closed to me. I will almost assuredly is inefficient.) To put it another way, The fact I am forty-three hundred and I have a bad habit of jumping need to more than double my daily NaNoWriMo asks you to write two words in the hole shows I am from project to project on my whim, word goal for the rest of November long articles for the paper every day. not speedy enough or devoting slowly working on many things but if I wish to hit the fifty-thousand And words on a page don’t appear enough time to finishing my goal. never committing to one. It is a useful before the end of the month. Such an in a vacuum. One cannot forget the Unfortunately, life has decided tool for combatting burnout, but it amount will probably lead to burnout amount of time spent planning out November to be the month where also tends to leave a lot of projects anyway. Nevertheless, my bed was the story, the characters, which everything comes due, and my time by the wayside unfinished, should I made, and I need to lie in it. professor you want to impugn by to write has basically vanished in the never regain interest in them. This is But I’ve put enough words into here. secretly giving the villain of your novel face of midterms, projects, and even why I chose to focus on one project I have a novel to get back to writing. november 15, 2017 the paper page 11 I Have Seen All Ten Seasons of F•R•I•E•N•D•S, and I Think It Is Evil By David Kennedy This is the preachiest thing you will read all day strongly identify with these charac- Staff Not My Lobster things struggling to find their way in He’s dedicated his life to paleontology ters, enough that they get offended I’ve watched every single episode life, which is really its own genre now. and whenever he tries to talk about when you question the show’s qual- of Friends, many of them multiple This kind of group dynamic had not it, his friends call him a nerd and boo ity. I was especially weirded out when times, over roughly a three year span. really been explored on television in him offstage. Everyone is constantly I actually met real people who, upon So it’s far too late for me to pretend this way before. When it first came lying to each other. For example, no- arriving at college, expressed joking I’m better than it, but I’m going try out, people really connected with it. body will tell Phoebe that she’s a bad excitement over the idea that their life anyway. So, strange as it is, Friends became a singer, which may be sparing her feel- was going to be like a sitcom now. I I sat watching this show for hours cultural force, the ripples of which can ings in the short run, but it shows how don’t know about you, but life with a at a time in high school. Now, after still be felt in the kinds of things we content they are to just allow her to laugh track sounds pretty horrifying to three years of consistent viewing, I see on TV today. continue embarrassing herself and to me. still couldn’t recite very many of its perpetuate their friend’s naiveté. Not Seeing how ex- jokes. Right now, I couldn’t give you a to mention that all the male charac- cited my peers detailed plot synopsis of any of the ep- ters on the show represent the most were by the show isodes without watching them again. I juvenile kind of masculinity. There’s made me start remember the basic overview. I know actually a line where Joey, in refer- to think about that Ross is supposed to get with Ra- ence to a bunch of female dancers, all the latent is- chel. I remember Chandler being self- says to Ross, “They’re not objects. sues I had with it. deprecating and witty. I remember Just kidding, let’s go!” When I thought Joey being a slob who eats cake off But it’s not just that the charac- nobody but me the floor and that Monica is a neat- ters are bad people. It’s not even and my brother freak. I watched the show, but some- that they’re especially bad people. were watching it, how it has not really stayed with me. They’re all pretty average bad people, I kind of just dis- A big part of this is probably that, but I find it kind of weird how easygo- missed any criti- even while I was watching it, I never ing the show is about their bad be- cisms I had of the thought of Friends as a great show or havior. This wouldn’t be a problem if characters or the even as a show that I loved or felt con- they were more cartoonishly bad, but storytelling be- nected to. I thought it was low art, just these characters are supposed to be cause it was just a crappy sitcom. To watch it, you just relatable. They are your friends. Sein- a dumb TV show; turn your brain off and passively ab- feld and George aren’t your friends. it’s harmless. sorb sounds and images from your TV. They’re assholes, and it’s obvious, Now I see people I have since learned that this opinion It is not just that Friends was revolu- and that’s the joke. half-jokingly referencing Friends as is more controversial than I thought. tionary for its time though. What really I think the laugh track might be the a template for how they want to live Friends is a surprisingly big deal. surprised me was when I found out worst part because it seems to be their lives. Then I’ll re-watch an epi- At least, I was surprised it was. that people my age really like Friends. there to convince the audience that sode and ask the question: why would When I was watching it, I never would I came out of whatever hole I spent what’s going on is fine, and not a big I want to be friends with these people? have thought Friends was ahead of most of high school hiding in and deal. Someone makes fun of Ross, Because the friends from Friends its time. Again, I thought it was just a met people with sincere, sentimen- laugh track. Chandler hates himself, are all pretty shitty people. There are dumb TV show, but apparently it pre- tal attachments to this bad sitcom I laugh track. Phoebe lacks self-aware- way too many examples of this to list dicted some things. So I have to ap- watched. And I thought it was weird. ness while Joey says something shitty here, but I’ll try to come up with a few preciate that it was the first sitcom to I think it is weird that people my age about women, laugh track. I don’t un- consistent ones. Everyone always really blow up that was about a group claim to have learned things from this derstand why people want friends like makes fun of Ross because of his job. of charming, clumsy twenty-some- show. I think it is weird that people this. page 12 the paper november 15, 2017 RamTown Tuition Prize Shows Fordham’s Disconnect with Students By Kyle Zarif Debt free tuition is a right not an impossible trick shot Staff Fordham Critic the nation have driven 71 percent of osity, we should all wonder where this the possibility of one student winning Taking into account room and board, all college students to graduate with money is coming from, and where it free tuition in a fucking contest at a Fordham’s current tuition is $67,457. some form of student loan debt. When will now go since nobody won the prize. pep rally, when the vast majority of stu- That makes the total cost of a 4 year we focus exclusively on private institu- Fordham has repeatedly cited its fi- dents are graduating in debt and the degree from Fordham $269,828, as- tions like Fordham, the percentage ris- nances as a reason for cutting all sorts University has been steadily increasing suming you don’t have financial aid, es to 75 percent, with the average debt of corners. The most relevant example its tuition? For students, there doesn’t live on campus all four years, and that somewhere around $32,000. With being Fordham’s claim that any rise in seem to be much to gain in this situa- the tuition doesn’t rise. RamTown of- these percentages in mind, the idea adjunct faculty salary would have to tion. fered a prize of one year of free tu- that Fordham would give away tuition correlate with yet another rise in tu- Debt free college shouldn’t be some ition, still an unattainable amount for as some sort of unattainable prize is ition. This is coming from a school that carnival prize withheld from us from a college-aged student, for making a actually kind of fitting. As the majority pays its basketball coach more than its some sicko carny with missing teeth half-court shot. The extreme stupidity of college students will graduate with tenured faculty and that spends mil- working the ring toss. It is an achiev- and insensitivity of an astronomically debt anyway, the idea that free tuition lions of dollars on endless additions able political goal that has been pos- expensive private university offering is a kind of carnival prize at a rigged to the Lincoln Center campus. If they ited even by mainstream politicians. one of the most unattainable things game doesn’t seem too far off from re- apparently don’t have the money to In this vein, RamTown can serve as a in America (debt free education) as a ality. pay contingent faculty above poverty perfect example of the apathy infect- completely unfeasible prize at a pep But this idea was met with almost wages, it’s hard to imagine where the ing many college campuses, including rally should be enough to convince total enthusiasm from most Fordham nearly $40,000-60,000 in prize money our own. The willingness of so many to Fordham students that this university students I talked to. Almost everyone, came from in the first place. dance for something we should all be does not see them as anything but gi- when I asked them what they thought This entire debacle has made me re- entitled to shows a complete unwilling- ant anthropomorphic piggy banks, if about the RamTown half-court shot, ally think about the priorities of both ness to look critically at the institution they haven’t realized this already. was excited at the opportunity to win the Fordham administration and its we are funding with our tuition dollars. The degree to which Fordham fi- free tuition, even though the odds were student body. Why are so many stu- Debt free college should be a right for nancially exploits its students is not clearly stacked against them. But be- dents so trusting of this University? all, not some prize to be offered by a unique, as tuition increases around fore seeing this as some act of gener- Why are so many getting excited over school that derives its profits from our Chris Christie Should Be Emperor of New Jersey Forever. By Katelynn Browne And you people think I’m joking... Staff Henry VIII For as long as I can remember, Chris where he says “no off-topic ques- call BridgeGate, back in 2013 - Chris ment would facilitate him in bossing Christie has been governor of New tions; no; you have been stopped.” Christie closed the George Washing- people around to do what he wants Jersey. It feels to me as if he’s always Here, his no-bullshit, sassy attitude is ton Bridge the day school resumed for the betterment of the Jersey Em- been governor, no one before him, extremely apparent. In another video from summer vacation during rush pire, and his embodiment of the spirit and no one after him. So recently, I hour to spite the Democrat mayor of would make him an icon of admira- asked people from New Jersey when Fort Lee (the town you enter when you tion and aspiration for the citizens of his term was going to end - and oddly cross the GWB into Jersey) who didn’t New New Jersey. enough, no one I spoke to seemed to vote for Christie in his reelection cam- Now that Jersey has an emperor, know the answer. So, naturally, I went paign. Or how about when he closed it can secede from the Union. Jersey to Google, and discovered, much to all of the beaches on the Jersey shore has a large enough population to be my horror, that Christie would be out on Memorial Day due to a govern- a country - it would be 2x the size of of term this coming January, which I ment shutdown he was partially re- Ireland and have roughly the same disagree with completely. I disagree sponsible for and proceeded to enjoy population as Austria. New Jersey so much so that I think Chris Christie Memorial Day weekend on the shore has a lot of great resources: it has should be emperor of New Jersey and with his family? Classic. His pettiness about 720,000 acres of farmland New Jersey should secede from the mimics that of old European mon- and a 141 mile-long coast, making it Union, because who is better suited archs as well as my pettiness towards optimal for trade and tourism. In ad- to run Jersey than him? Some people a girl who told me I had the wrong uni- dition, New Jersey, while its highways think just anyone can run New Jersey, form socks in first grade which I never make no sense, does have a pretty yet I argue that Christie is best suited really got over (she was wrong). That’s good highway system and thus has for the job, due to his innate qualities some petty shit. a sophisticated internal communica- and special talents that make him the Although I am unqualified to speak tions network. It has tons of valuable ideal candidate for emperorship. from 2012, he asks a reporter, exas- on this, I feel Christie really reflects infrastructure - a great public school Chris Christie would be well suited peratedly, “Are you stupid??” (which the New Jersey spirit - just the whole system, hospitals, etc. to be emperor for several reasons. CNN went to town with). This shows not caring, saying what’s on your So my question to the people of First of all, he takes no one’s shit. the aggressive side of Christie and mind, cut the crap kind of spirit, is re- New Jersey is: what are you waiting He is infamous for yelling at report- that he doesn’t have time for stupid ally quite admirable. As the embodi- for? You can create your own nation- ers, time after time, for their stupid off-topic questions. ment of this spirit, he would be ideal state in which Trump is not your presi- questions. A hilarious Vine shows sev- Secondly, Christie is one of the pet- to rule the new nation-state of New dent, and Chris Christie could be your eral clips of Christie pieced together tiest politicians I’ve ever heard of. Re- New Jersey. His aggressive tempera- emperor. Think about it. november 15, 2017 the paper page 13

the paper’s view Sporps with Scott

Justice League Doesn’t Need to Happen. This Week in Kneeball:

We have a week until Justice League comes out. I am not excited. I in fact am Ladies and gents, if you haven’t been watching kneeball for the past couple a little disgusted by the concept. Mostly because Batman V Superman was an of weeks, I honestly don’t know how you’re going to be able to live with your- actual insult to cinema. There are a lot of problem I could list for this upcom- selves. As last noted, both the Waning and Waxing Division Championship ing garbage fire of a movie and so I will list them. Series came to Game 49s.

1.) Cyborg looks like Davie Crockett started wearing toasters instead of Rac- In the Waning Division, we went a full 357 wickets before Yarnell’s right center chief, Todd Flagstaff, scored a kneetouch just before the Cerberi’s full coons. groom, Bobbee Ramon, could mark a shinstrike. It was down to the wire, as time was at 0:00:00.000005 as Flagstaff’s right knee crossed the wicket line. 2.) Joss Whedom made Age of Ultron. Fans were on their feet as the Blobfish carried Coach Roberto Otrebor off the pitch. 3.) We all know Superman is coming back. He’s been on JL posters since before BvS why kill him? In the Waxing Division, the Corkboards and the Toadstools went into the 256th wicket at Z shinstrikes apiece but the end result was not as close as 4.) It just looks bad. sporps fans might have predicted. By the 300th wicket, Paw Paw pulled ahead by 500 kneetouches and left Roach Branch in the dust – final score: 5.) No Martian Manhunter, or honestly just one good CGI character. Cyborg 1545-B to 912-R. Unfortunately for Paw Paw, their star mid-tier blacksmith, you’re ugly. Marcus “Genghis Khan” Aurelius, suffered a dislocated skull and may not be available for the Roderick Heffley Memorial Cup. 6.) Stop trying to make Aquaman happen. And with that, kneeball fanatics, we enter the nine-month period of prepa- 7.) Suicide Squad won an Oscar so honestly art is dead anyway. rations for the 135th RHM Cup. The Yarnell Blobfish will return to Arizona for their patented “desert deprivation” training cycle. The Corkboards ven- 8.) I just don’t understand Zach Snyder’s vision and I have never understood ture back to West Virginia to train with the mountain people in logging and Joss Whedon’s. fishing. We eagerly await to see both teams back on August 12, 2018. Early betting odds have Yarnell as a serious front-runner. That desert deprivation 9.) It appears to be mostly just the color red. has worked wonders in the past and this reporter is certain that we’ll see the Blobfish motivated and at their physical peak. Patriotic Sporps Facts: 10.) MARTHAAA Before President Abraham Lincoln gave the Confederacy a springboard sat- 11.) The DCEU is a late to the game rushed mess and any attempted emotion- ellite DDT, he was wrangling opponents as the heat-magnet heel champion, al connection to thesee characters doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. “The Lincoln Logger” Big Abe, in his Illinois county wrestling alliance.

12.) YOU COULD SEE THOR INSTEAD. Abner Doubleday invented baseball in Elihu Phinney’s cow pasture in Coo- perstown, NY in 1839. 13.) YOU COULD WATCH THE PUNISHER INSTEAD. The United States Men’s National Skeet Shooting team once trained a bald eagle to catch broken clay targets mid-air. That lasted about fifteen minutes. 14.) YOU COULD SEE THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBINGS MISSOURI INSTEAD. Sporps Abroad: 15.) This is going to rebooted in 5 years starring younger British actors. New Japan Pro Wrestling’s Power Struggle was a 2017 highlight as it hap- 16.) Just love yourself. pened. Marty Scurll stole the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Championship from ri- val Will Ospreay via Boston Crab in just under 18 minutes. Kenny Omega de- ANGRILY, fended his IWGP United States title against Trent? Berretta via One Winged JOHN & LUIS Angel. After the match, WWE’s Chris Jericho challenged Omega to a match at January’s WrestleKingdom 12. Winnipeg’s favorite sons will square off for the first time ever, this being Jericho’s first match outside the WWE since 1999. In the main event, our high-flying ace Hiroshi Tanahashi retained his IWGP Intercontinental title in his match against world-famous free agent Kota Ibushi via High Fly Flow in just under a half-hour. Post-match, the mysterious Switchblade revealed himself to be none other than former Young Lion, Jay White. World Tag League 2017 will begin next Saturday. Road to Tokyo Dome kicks off Sunday, December 17. page 14 the paper november 15, 2017 An Analysis of Violence and Justice in an Age of Mass Shootings By William Timothy O’Brien III How do you quantify the value of the mundane? Staff Armchair Philosopher ing is partially to blame. It’s an odd Bernie Sanders’ proposal of national all other things in the view of justice, At approximately 11:20 a.m. central thought that these deaths could be free public college, and health care. a hero drenched in blood. A person standard time, Devin Patrick Kelley credited to something so mundane The large cost of the plans lead to or larger entity that commits justified exited his Ford Explore at a gas sta- as paperwork. How can you quantify the backlash, yet exponentially higher acts of violence is viewed as noble tion across the street from Sutherland the value of something so mundane? amounts of money are put into bomb- and respected. Springs Church. Dressed in black tac- Following the Sutherland Springs ing the Middle East. In 2015 598.5 Devin Kelley viewed himself as a tical gear, and wearing a black face shooting, many parties have taken to billion dollars were spent on the mili- disenfranchised outsider, an indi- mask with a white skull in the center calling Stephen Willeford a hero for tary with seemingly little reason being vidual against the larger whole of re- (something akin to the Punisher), his brave actions. And his actions are as we weren’t deeply entrenched in ligious, closed minded (as he viewed he opened fire on the church during brave; personally, I can’t imagine the war anywhere. Even still, a year later them) people. When he dawned that an active service. He proceeded to fear of the events. At the same time I when then nominee Donald Trump tactical gear, he knew they would see walk up and down the pews firing his feel very divorced from the concept of announced his desire to expand the a villain, but he saw an anti-hero. The semi-automatic, AR-15 pattern rifle these actions as strictly necessary. In military funding further and start general American public does not point blank at the churchgoers. With an interview with a local news station, more actions that would most likely realize the amount of violence in- purpose he fired approximately 450 Willeford trembling says, “I’m no hero, have no concrete resolve, Trump was herently connected with concepts of rounds, 15 magazines of ammunition, I’m not, I think my Lord gave me the met with praise by the public. heroism in a war-ridden society. If this all semi-automatic (with individual skills to do what needed to be done.” Time after time, war as a concept dichotomy did not exist, would shoot- trigger pulls). As he exited the church What led this man to be so sure that is a pill America has been willing and ers like Devin Kelley have the ability he himself was besieged by fire from eager to swallow even to justify their inhumane actions be- an armed bystander, Stephen Wille- after it’s practicality fore committing the crime? In turn, ford. Spotting Kelley, Willeford traded as a job grower has would other potential shooters still shots with him before escaping in his long since died. Why glorify Kelley’s actions and follow his car. Willeford then hitched a ride with is it Americans are so lead the way Kelley followed previous a second bystander, chasing Kelley critical of ideas that shooters’ actions? until he crashed on the side of the make logical sense One afternoon in October I came highway. Before the police arrived, when high costs are home, and as I walked in the door Kelley shot himself. involved, yet in the my dad said hello and then asked “The only thing to stop a bad guy individual case of mili- me plainly, “Have you heard about with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” tary spending seem the shooting?” “What shooting?” I re- commented Wayne LaPierre, NRA to have endless gen- sponded. It was all so mundane, no CEO and Executive Vice President. erosity? When a basi- fear or loss of comfort or sadness. It That quote was used in a speech cally logical (may not was just a conversation, one I’ve had given one week after the Sandy Hook be dynamically, prac- before actually. I sat down, and the massacre. The proposal was armed tically, or pragmati- news was on, covering the events in security in schools across the coun- the undeniably correct course of ac- cally logical) action involves violence, Las Vegas. One of the musicians who try. There is something to be said tion was arming himself and shoot- Americans naturally have an easier was playing at the concert came on about the comfort in this phrase. The ing at the gunman? My gut reaction time justifying it. Since before the and gave his account of the night. He media rightfully took it as a sign of the is an aversion to violence even when time of America it was a concept that talked about leading a group of peo- NRA’s childish mindset of arguing for reasonable. I don’t think Stephen violence was wrong, but simultane- ple to find an exit, finding his way to less gun regulation in the face of a Willeford did anything wrong, but I ously it has always seemed as though a fence blocking off the airfield from devastating disaster. But what does it feel incredibly uncomfortable with the justified violence is in turn more just. the concert and them from sanctuary. say about the public, or even a subset popular concept that he was a hero. The idea of a good guy stopping a bad He could easily jump it, but most of of the American public, if these words What comes to mind when we think guy with a gun is outwardly absurd them couldn’t, and in that moment he resonated with them? of heroes? I think it’s a safe assump- but makes sense if you assume that decided to work with them, stay there The legislative debate over gun con- tion most minds jump to superheroes. justified violence is extra just -- and in danger, and take down the fence so trol has steadily continued following Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman: furthermore a key component of the everyone could get to safety. I’m sure the Las Vegas and Sutherland Springs all of these share the commonal- American hero. many people did things like that that shootings. However, the Texas shoot- ity of achieving justice with violence. In this way Stephen Williford’s ac- night, but I never heard about any- ing should have been prevented by The same goes for almost every su- tions are entirely reasonable and thing else, and if I hadn’t seen this current laws anyway. Kelley had been perhero; superheroes fight crime, even necessary. America was found- right when it was on I never would. charged with child and spousal abuse and that’s how problems are solved. ed on justified violence, whether it Some good deeds go forgotten, and in the Air Force, and his right to pur- I don’t think there’s any causation be the revolution or the stealing of some necessary ones go overlooked. chase firearms was supposed to be between Superman and the media’s land we decided we have the right to. Teachers matter, charity matters, put- revoked. The current public story is reaction to Stephen Willeford, but I Americans have been historically con- ting people above yourself in a simple someone messed up the paperwork do think that they all seem connected ditioned to respect such actions and way matters, and properly doing pa- between the military and the FBI, and represent something fundamen- because of this have allowed certain perwork fucking matters. most likely on the Air Force end. This tal in how Americans interpret actions unreasonable trains of thought to ex- seems likely enough, but leads to the as just or heroic. A large portion of ist justifying downright unreasonable strange thought that a simple misfil- the public seemed very dismissive of decisions. Americans respect above november 15, 2017 the paper page 15

Walking the Pathway to Paris into a Carnegie Hall Performance by Annie Muscat Blazing a trail towards a green future for the Earth Staff Enviromusicalist Jesse Paris Smith insisted at the start corporations. I found it difficult to focus which strives to bring light to vulner- I have yet to experience anything of the evening. She took to the piano on writing my letter, as the experimen- able communities. After we finished, cooler than belting the lyrics to Patti and was joined by her mother, who re- tal Tanya Tagaq demanded attention the lamps were collected and were to Smith’s 1988 rock hit, “People Have cited Emily Dickinson’s poem, “Nature through what can only be described be donated to Puerto Rico, to alleviate the Power,” with the artist herself while is what we see” as Foon played cello. as “throat singing”. Her intense perfor- their struggles following the devastat- folk legend and activist Joan Baez gets This beautiful rendition set the tone of mance was as unusual as it was capti- ing hurricane. down in the grandiose Stern Audito- the night, one of hopefulness, urgency, vating. The intimacy of the evening culminat- rium at Carnegie Hall, all in the name and solidarity. Red Hot Chili Pepper’s Flea played ed as 90’s indie rock icon Cat Power of combating climate change. Have Passion rang strong as Patti Smith some sick bass riffs and was joined by sat to the piano under the soft glow of I peaked? Probably. Will I replay this covered Cat Stevens’ “Where Do the Patti Smith reading “Mother’s Prayer.” red lights. Finally, the legendary Joan awesome memory over and over in my Children Tibetan Baez sauntered onto the stage. She head until the day I die? Obviously. Play” ac- cultural was undoubtedly the most anticipated That night at Carnegie Hall, in an ef- companied ambas- performer that night. Not only did Baez fort to expose and counteract climate by piano sador and pioneer the folk music genre in the 60s change, environmental non-profit Path- and acous- musician and 70s, but she also serves as a fer- way to Paris partnered with the United tic guitar. Tenzin vent and prominent activist for social Nations Development Programme and Authentic- Choeg- justice, having marched in anti-war and 350.org to demonstrate the unifying ity and raw yal chan- civil rights protests. force of music. emotion neled his Baez opened with a cover of Antony Founded in 2014 by Jesse Paris carried on ancestral and the Johnsons’ “Another World”. Smith (Patti Smith’s daughter) and Re- throughout traditions She made a few not-so-subtle jabs at becca Foon, Pathway to Paris spreads the nearly in a heart- Donald Trump between songs to which awareness about environmental is- three-hour felt set as the audience responded with delight. I sues and proposes solutions. Since its show with Tibetan may or may not have died a little when founding, the organization has hosted each un- elders Patti Smith embraced Joan Baez after similar events with artists, innovators, embel- Is oil “fuel’s gold”? KEK swayed her set. Two fearless and unapologetic and activists from across the world. lished song around female icons thriving as they do what On November 5th, Pathway to Paris centering around nature. him. Jesse Paris Smith supported the they love for a just cause. launched their new initiative called Visual artist and R.E.M. frontman indigenous group on piano, reciting lyri- The night came to an impactful end 1000 Cities which invites global cities Michael Stipe took the stage next, cov- cal poetry about peace, the natural ele- as all performers gathered on stage to divest from fossil fuels and convert ering Ringo Starr, Velvet Underground, ments, and Buddha. behind Patti Smith, enthusiastically to 100% renewable energy by 2040, and Nat King Cole. The brilliant and Performance artist Olafur Eliasson engaging the auditorium in singing fulfilling the Paris Agreement. All- pro accomplished Dr. Vandana Shiva then directed the audience to retrieve a box “People Have the Power.” Joan Baez’s ceeds generated were donated to the spoke with eloquence and conviction, from under their seats. Inside was a so- impromptu dance moves contributed UNDP and 350.org. discussing harmful food production lar lamp resembling a sun. He orches- to the cheerful atmosphere and as There were a dozen musical artists and reversing carbon emission. trated a collective effort in which the hordes of people filed out of the venue, and speakers present including Patti Between musical sets, speakers en- entire hall was filmed gradually turn- there was a lingering optimism. We can Smith, Joan Baez, Bill McKibben, Dr. couraged the audience to draft letters ing on and waving the dazzling lights do something and we must. Patti Smith Vandana Shiva, Michael Stipe, Red Hot urging NYC Comptroller Scott Stringer in unison so to mimic a “solar-powered was right in 1988 and she is right in Chili Pepper’s Flea, and Cat Power. to allocate the city’s pension funds sunrise”. This was part of Eliasson’s 2017. People do have the power. “Music is our universal language,” away from coal, oil, gas and pipeline 2017 project, Little Sun Foundation, page 16 the paper november 15, 2017 Social Innovation Collaboratory Builds Empathy With ‘Our Story’ Events by Anna Passero-Koennecke Fordham students tell their stories in TED Talk-like event and Michael Jack O’Brien What: Open Mic had this whole program down of how nity to listen and understand other Copy Chief and Where: Ro- they were doing it. During the event, people’s experiences. And so I think Digital Editor drigues Coffee before it was over, I texted the direc- it’s a very selfless, while it’s it’s Our the paper interviewed Amanda Vo- tor of the Collaboratory and said, ‘We Story and I may be telling the story House need this at Fordham.’ of what I’ve gone through, it’s for the When: Tues. Nov pat and Max Lynch, members of the Social Innovation Collaboratory about Why ‘Our Story’ needs to be face- purpose of serving others, which I 14th @8 PM an event being hosted this Wednesday to-face: think is unique and kind of getting the How Much: called ‘Our Story.’ This interview was AV: I think the really tangible part of political agenda.” FREE edited for clarity and length. You can the experience is the listening to the What ‘Our Story’ wants to do in the Why: Come sup- read the full conversation on our web- story, because when you’re in a room future: site. with a lot of people it creates a safe AV: Our mission statement is ‘Em- port your fellow space for the story teller and for the powering individuals to share the Fordham stu- How ‘Our Story’ came to Fordham: Amanda Vopat: I started in the Social listener, because you’re feeling that deeply personal stories of their lives dents show off Innovation Collaboratory as a newslet- vulnerability, and the empathy, and all and find solidarity among others. En- their talents! ter editor. And because of that I was the positive feelings in the room, and couraging our community to embrace pushing out a lot of different opportu- you can sit with that...Because they empathy by story-listening.’ So, the What: WAC De- nities that we had to the broader com- are such personal stories it becomes words that really stick out to us are munity. So, because of that, I had the less trivial if you’re sitting down and ‘empathy,’ ‘inclusion,’ ‘community,’ cember Bingo intently listening, rather than kind of ‘vulnerability’ - in a positive way, to Where: Keating opportunity to attend the AshokaU con- ference in Miami last year in March. hearing it and taking it in but not pro- build towards something greater. And 1st Fordham is one of about 40 AshokaU cessing it at the same time. the reason that we called it Our Story When: Sun. Dec. campuses in the world recognized by is because, while these are multiple 3rd @9 PM to the Ashoka foundation for our work in individual stories, when you leave 10 PM social innovation. At the conference them together it is our community as a whole and the Fordham experience, How Much: there was a panel from the University of San Diego and two students there and we really want this to, I think FREE bring people together is a very broad had an initiative called My Story, which A good event for Fordham Why: Bingo and is a story telling event like a TED Talk. desire, but make people realize that have a great They brought it to their campus. During The types of stories that ‘Our Sto- they are not alone. I personally had a time! the event the two girls who had started ry’ has received: really long journey through Fordham it, Charlotte and Lauren, were talking AV: We have stories about people’s feeling that I didn’t belong, and kind about their process, and they have personal health, people who have ex- of feeling guilty about that, and think- three story tellers tell personal stories perienced sickness or death in their ing that I was all alone and the only of things that had happened to them family, we have stories of a veteran, one going through what I was going in their lives. Then we sat back and we have stories about mental health… through, and this has helped me to wrote down one word of how we had these stories reflect the lives of peo- realize that that not true, and hope- felt in the moment listening to people ple in our community, and they’re not fully if there’s one other student that be so vulnerable and it was a really the only people who have stories like feels that same way and comes to moving experience. Then they talked these.” this event or tells a story at this event us through the process of how they did Mike Lynch “I think also that in poli- and feels included by that, I think that it at the University of San Diego. They tics when you see people speaking we achieved our goal.” have five story tellers and five story out on behalf of their specific agenda, ML: And to just add to that, at the mentors who sit down and build the whether it’s for race, gender, sexu- base of it we’re hoping to have an stories with the students and the com- al identity, or whatever cause that event like this every year, maybe twice munity members who are speaking. they’re promoting, while it benefits a year, and then the effects of that will They started out with only students and other people it’s kind of in a way the be a more wholesome Fordham com- then they brought in faculty and staff mission is aligned with self-interest. munity. from the university, they also had com- Whereas when you look at Our Story, munity members from outside of the when you look at the mission of what ‘Our Story’ will take place Wednes- university talk at some of these events. we’re trying to do, it’s about listening day, November 15th from 6-8pm in And so after three and a half years they and giving other people an opportu- Bepler Commons. november 15, 2017 the paper page 17 Larry Curbs Your Enthusiasm for the New Curb Your Enthusiasm Season by Jack Archambault J-bault is enthusiastic for this show *SPOILERS* Shows Staff Curb Enthusiast discovering that the two of them have Episode 5: “Thank You for Your Service” Any fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm is surely nicknames for each other, Larry wonders What: thrilled that it is back for a ninth season after why Cheryl never gave him a nickname. Here, Larry refuses to thank a war vet- being on hiatus since 2011, and while it is When Larry starts seeing a new woman eran for his service, gets into an argument Cinevents: Spi- not quite at peak form, Larry and Co. are still (Elizabeth Banks) later in the episode, he with the gate attendant at his country club, derman: Home- pretty…pretty good. We are six episodes deep requests that she call him L-vid, a truly then gets kicked out of that same club for coming in this new season, and what better time for horrible nickname, to which she obliges. saying that a baby “looks a little Asian.” In a review of a series than two-thirds-ish of the Episode MVP: The waiter who can pro- true Curb fashion, all of these plot lines Where: Keating way through it? I’m going to break down the vide no further comment than “There has end up tying back together at the end, mak- 1st season episode-by-episode and spoil every been a disturbance in the kitchen.” Best ing this one of my favorite episodes of the When: Mon. Nov one, so keep that in mind if you’re the kind of Line: “No one is above the beep.” season. Episode MVP: Sal, the long-winded person who cares about that stuff. gate attendant who then literally tries to kill 27th and Wed. Larry. Best Line: “I knew that baby looked a Nov 29th Episode 1: “Foisted!” little Asian.” @9 PM

I’ll be honest, I didn’t Episode 6: “The Acci- How Much: think this episode was dental Text on Purpose” FREE that funny. In it, Larry Why: Parker! Get tries to get rid of his This is the rare epi- assistant, disgraces sode where Larry is me pictures of himself to a lesbian right about everything. Spiderman! couple, and gets into From a doctor who re- trouble over his new fuses to answer the play, Fatwa. In the end, call when a man is con- What: b-Sides Larry makes such an vulsing on a plane, a Fall Concert ass of himself that he is woman with a made-up Where: Collins actually issued a fatwa medical condition, to by the Ayatollah. his ingenious ploys to Auditorium Episode MVP (besides help his friends out of When: Sun. Dec. Larry): Leon, who has their pickles, Larry re- 3rd @7:30 PM to presumably spent the ally steps up his game last six years lampin’ in this one. Episode 9 PM in Larry’s guest house. MVP: I’m going to have How Much: TBA Best Line: lampin’ Curb your memethusiasm to break my own rule Why: Come sup- here and give it to Lar- Episode 2: “The Pickle ry. He just makes too port the b-Sides, Gambit” many right calls. Best your ears will Line: “It was like I took thank you! Three people make a straw and put it in a this episode: 1. Funk- frog’s ass.” houser, 2. Funkhouser’s teenage nephew, Episode 4: “Running with the Bulls” As the season has progressed, the epi- Kenny, and 3. The prostitute Larry meets sodes have gotten better and the jokes and then hires to have sex with Kenny after Remember Kenny? Well he dies. Turns funnier. If I have any complaint, it would be he hurts his right arm and can’t masturbate. out he formed a bond with the prostitute this: I get the sense that Larry David may Throw in some classic Larry moments (Seri- Larry set him up with and he followed her have begun to feel himself a little bit dur- ously, who uses tongs to pick up a cookie?) to Spain where they were both killed run- ing his time off. One of Curb’s best traits and you’ve got yourself a real winner. Episode ning with the bulls. Brian Cranston has a is that Larry can remark on a situation and MVP: Kenny, Marty’s god-child nephew who’s guest spot in this one as Larry’s therapist, make the viewer feel like he or she knows an all-state baseball player and is going to and he is concerned when Larry starts tell- exactly what he means (chat and cut, any- Stanford. Best Line: “Nobody can go lefty.” ing people he is his therapist in a breach body?). But at points this season, that dy- of “patient-doctor confidentiality.” Epi- namic has felt forced. Still, some stellar Episode 3: “A Disturbance in the Kitchen” sode MVP: Old pal Richard Lewis, whose recent episodes and the end of the fatwa foray into the art scene and obscenely nonsense have lifted this season, and that The season really starts to click here. This early arrival at lunch drive Larry nuts. Best only looks like it will continue. Also, is there episode begins with a disturbance in the Line: From Leon: “Why would they make a any chance of me being called J-bault? kitchen, the details of which are never dis- little fly in a country with big-ass dicks?” closed, and sees Larry’s friend/foil Ted Dan- son start dating Larry’s ex-wife, Cheryl. Upon page 18 the paper november 15, 2017 Nintendo Gives Players the Right to Bear ARMS on the Nintendo Switch by Matthew Whitaker Arm your Switch with ARMS, a quirky four-player fighting game Arts Co-Editor ner level, seasoned players will have to extend. Characters may also dash in playful designs along with their expres- On June 16th, Nintendo released a utilize many techniques and must truly any direction, jump, and shield, creat- sive animations make each character new intellectual property titled ARMS understand the game’s mechanics to ing a plethora of movement options to very fun to play. With each character for the Nintendo Switch. Why am I re- defeat their opponents. ARMS is an avoid incoming punches. A different comes a stage to fight on, all of which viewing it in November? Well, Ninten- excellent new intellectual property by arm can be used on either of a char- are greatly detailed and varied. From a do is following Splatoon’s model of re- Nintendo, and it is a must-have for Nin- acter’s hands, allowing for an endless classic fighting ring to an eerie labora- leasing free DLC updates after launch, tendo Switch. series of combinations and strategies. tory, all the stages offer new game me- thus ARMS has grown much since The gameplay in ARMS is a very Arms come with different weights, chanics and plenty of beautiful scen- its launch in the summer. ARMS is a unique take on the fighting game speeds, and elemental effects which ery. Spring Stadium has springboards three-dimensional fighting game where genre, as the camera mainly stays be- can be used to gain an advantage on for characters to bounce on, while DNA you play as a colorful cast of charac- hind the player and the game promotes opponents. In addition to the many lab has destructible stage objects to ters who all can shoot their extendable long-distance combat. As opposed to different types of arms, the game cur- hide behind. The abundance of char- arms at each other. The game can be most fighting games, which require rently features twelve characters, each acters, stages, and arms keeps the played with either the Joy Cons’ mo- the player to be close to the opponent with their own special abilities. For ARMS experience fresh with every new tion controls or the Nintendo Switch to deal damage, ARMS encourages example, Spring Man’s arms become play session. Pro Controller. Overall, the game is a the player to keep his or her distance. permanently charged when his health ARMS is a great addition to the Nin- very fun multiplayer experience, as its As the characters’ arms can extend drops below 25%, and Ribbon Girl is tendo Switch’s library, and offers a fun unique take on the fighting game genre across most of the stage, keeping your able to jump four times in the air. The multiplayer experience for up to four and large amount of customization opponent at a distance is necessary. varied cast of characters and massive friends. If you have a Nintendo Switch, options make it engaging to play. It is Characters shoot their arms, extending amount of arms allow for a new experi- this game is definitely worth picking up. very accessible to new players, espe- them towards their opponent, and can ence during every play session. The game is also receiving free DLC up- cially players who have never played a curve the path of their arms during the The game truly shines in its visual dis- dates, including new characters, stag- fighting game. Despite its accessibility, extension. Curving your characters’ play and character design. Each char- es, and game modes. Overall, ARMS is ARMS is a competitive game with much arms correctly is crucial to hitting your acter is incredibly unique, with designs a blast to play, and is a great start to a depth and several layers of play. While opponent, as your opponent has plenty ranging from a burly mummy to a robot new Nintendo franchise. mashing buttons will work at a begin- of time to maneuver while your arms cop and dog pair. Their colorful and The Women of Stranger Things Are A Rare Breed: Full of Depth and Realistic By Rachel Poe Hey, hey you, Joyce Byers is a fantastic mom, pass it on Opinions Co-Editor when she gets him back, she tries to Season 2 introduces the new char- finally meets her, Max is super excited. Yeah, I was one of those people make sure that he gets the best care acter Max or Mad Max. Max comes in It’s cute. that watched the second season of he can. And she always supports her to, again, push against age-old tropes. It wouldn’t be an article about Strang- Stranger Things within the first day of boys; I can’t stress how important She’s definitely a tomboy, one who er Things if I didn’t talk about Eleven. its release and I’m not ashamed of it. this is. She never asks her boys to be likes to skateboard and has the high She’s the glue of the show and her The first season set a high bar that the something they’re not, and that’s what score on the boy’s favorite game at the absence from Hawkins is noticeable. second season easily lived up to. The makes her such a great mom and an arcade, but she’s intriguingly mysteri- At this point, it’s almost redundant to writing is fantastic, the aesthetic is ev- even better character. ous and I found myself almost desper- point out how groundbreaking Eleven’s erything I strive to be, and the show Then there’s Nancy Wheeler. She’s ate to know more about her backstory. character is but this season we dive is just a super fun television program probably my favorite character in the Luckily, throughout the season, you more into her psyche as we learn more about a shadow demon tormenting a show. Her transfor- learn that her snarky about her past. Then there’s her rela- sleepy town in Indiana. But if I’m going mation from being bravado is a coping tionship with Hopper. Both are lonely to pick my favorite thing about Stranger that girl who tries to mechanism against and lost and a little pathetic, but their Things, it might have to be the women. please everyone to a her abusive step- relationship grows into a reluctant fa- Unique, well rounded, and badass in gun-slinging badass brother. I won’t spoil ther/daughter dynamic that they’re their own ways, the women of Stranger seems natural, based too much, but she both deserving of. Things are forces to be reckoned with. in her fierce determi- gets her just deserts The women of Stranger Things are They surpass their archetypes to some- nation to find her best friend Barbara. and it might be the most satisfying badasses who don’t shy away from thing fresh and unexpected, much like Nancy, like all the women of Stranger arc conclusion this season. Still, from their emotions, a concept that most of the rest of Stranger Things. Things, still maintains her emotional a surface level perspective, Max looks Hollywood can’t seem to understand. Let’s start with Joyce Byers. Joyce is depth besides her status as a badass. like Eleven’s replacement, a necessary They’re setting a new standard for fe- a woman on a mission, a single mom In season 2, we see her trying to recon- addition to the boy’s party for gender male characters, especially destroying trying her best to give her two sons the cile with her immense guilt for Barb’s diversity. But the beauty of Max is that the idea that being emotional and be- as good a life as she can. As someone death as her perfect façade starts to she is in no way replacing Eleven, de- ing a badass are two exclusive traits. who has grown up with a single mom, crumble down. It’s her motivation that spite Mike’s hesitations. She brings her All that’s left to do is to bring in some Joyce deserves all the credit in the really makes Nancy stand out amidst own abilities to the table as the party’s more racial diversity and Stranger world. She loves her boys, Will’s dis- the sea of goody-two-shoes on a rebel- Zoomer. In all actuality, she wants to Things will be good to go. appearance almost destroys her and lious streak. know more about Eleven and when she november 15, 2017 the paper page 19 Editor Writes Monstrous Article about Godzilla Movies by Nick Peters The Godzilla of articles demolishes fake ad & inspires Steven Spielberg News Co-Editor and the recently released Kong: Skull Godzilla vs Mothra (1992) movie. It just doesn’t work. Mothra I adore Godzilla. He was a huge as- Island, I am very excited for the Mon- and her fairies return to I guess lend pect of my childhood, next to Thomas sterVerse. You want to talk about an even more a hand? They don’t really do shit hon- the Tank Engine and Spiderman. I ate nonsensical mess. OH BOY. This movie estly. There’s a new anti-Godzilla robot, up EVERY movie that existed. I remem- Godzilla (1954) was strange, but also great. It’s painful- called Mogera, which is cool I guess. ber my parents bringing home what- ly obvious that the writers wrote a mov- Like it’s not all bad, and while the fairies ever Godzilla movie they could find at This is it. The classic. The OG. ie about Mothra, and added Godzilla in make me kinda sigh, it’s fine. It’s just our local library for me. I had a bunch This movie started it all. This movie at the last second. Mothra has 2 little that nothing happens. The final fight of action figures of various giant mon- launched a franchise. I hadn’t actually fairies that talk to the main characters. reeks of either poor planning or budget sters that I would have fight each other seen this movie until recently, and I was They also break out in song, and de- cuts, as Godzilla, SpaceGodzilla, and in whatever mock battle I wanted to SHOCKED to see how well this movie spite being magical fairies can easily Mogera stand in a circle and shoot la- imitate that day. Even the really bad still stands up. The writing is great. The get captured in a box. It’s great. I to- sers at each other. The ending is also old American movie was my fucking cinematography is beautiful. The mu- tally did not question if someone had the most drawn out shit in the world. shit. My parents would tell a funny sto- sic is amazing, adding a grandeur to slipped me some sort of drug. Not at Godzilla walks into the ocean for what ry about how I was scared of going to the story. Godzilla’s theme is fucking all. Mothra is basically a giant moth feels like 10 minutes. Baby Godzilla is my cousin’s wedding because it was in iconic. The special effects are amaz- with mystical powers that wants to pro- back though, and this time HE’S EVEN New York City, where Godzilla attacked. ing in the context of the fact it is a 50s tect Earth (hilariously, giant caterpillar MORE ADORABLE. Honestly, I’d have However, I fell off. I grew up and movie. This movie is visually impres- Mothra wrecks an entire city and kills preferred a 2 hour film of Baby Godzilla found something else to obsess over. It sive. The production group understood tens of thousands, but shhhhh it wants just living his life, because Baby Godzil- wasn’t a couple of years ago when the their technical limitations at the time, to protect Earth). But you know what, la is too pure for this world. 2014 Godzilla movie came out, that and played to their strengths. Now, 50 despite its weirdness, I highly recom- the joy that I once had would return full years later, this movie still stands out. mend this movie. This movie was just So that’s it. I hope you enjoyed this force. I will talk about that more when Just don’t watch the American ver- giant monster action from the begin- look at some Godzilla movies. It was a I discuss that specific movie, because I sion, watch the Japanese version. The ning. Godzilla appears at the half hour real treat to re-watch these movies and love that movie. American version is not just a dub, but mark, and it just GOES. I ended this go down a nostalgia trip. There are still A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a whole new edit with an added Ameri- movie being thoroughly entertained, plenty more movies available on Hulu, that Hulu had added a lot of Godzilla can character and oh boy is this ver- and I would say, if you want to watch an which I will continue to watch. (For in- movies to its streaming service. They sion kinda bad. Worse if you watch it old school Godzilla movie and do not stance, I have Godzilla vs. Destroyah do not have any from the Shōwa era right after the Japanese version, trust know which to watch, try this one. on my queue, and I heard it’s one of (the first era of Godzilla movies, from me, I kinda regret it. the best of the Heisei era, and a fitting the 50s to the 70s), however they have Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla II (1993) end to that story - so I’m hype). They most of the Heisei era (this era was Godzilla vs King Ghidora (1991) are fun adventures, here you get to from the 80s to the early 90s), and the Despite being the first vs Me- watch giant monsters pummel each Millennium era (the late 90s to 2000s Oh boy. This is the first available chaGodzilla movie in this era, the other to smithereens as cities hilari- movies). I was so fucking happy that movie on Hulu, and it’s from the Heisei American production company decided ously crumble like Legos under them. they added some of these movies. I de- era. These movies, while separate to slap a big fat 2 on its name. But hey, It’s honestly pure entertainment. Yes, cided to start watching these movies from each other, are connected and while the last two movies were adven- in watching all these movies, the hu- in chronological order of release, and sprawling. This movie is just madness, tures in nonsense, this one actually man elements are significantly lacking, write an article about them. For now I but also boring. There are time travel- has a good plot, that could honestly and drag things down, but they are not am only covering the first four, as well ers. Godzilla dies and gets rebirthed. be used in a new Godzilla movie. The the point, they are just there to fill up as the original 1954 movie and the Everyone travels back to the 40s. It plot makes sense and is pretty basic. time and give the monsters more levity. 2014 movie. just goes places. King Ghidora is cre- The designs for each of the monsters In fact, the movies I enjoyed were the I hope you enjoy this ride as much ated because Godzilla dies, and then in this movie is great. MechaGodzilla ones where the humans were reacting as I did: is resurrected by the heroes to take out especially looks badass. The three- to Godzilla, not driving the plot. I hope the reborn Godzilla. It goes and goes way throwdown between Godzilla, you take the time to watch a couple of Godzilla (2014) and goes. The writing is nonsensical. MechaGodzilla, and Rodan is fucking these movies too. Also according to this movie, Stephen great. Further, this movie introduces This movie reinvigorated my love of Spielberg’s father as a marine saw the Baby Godzilla, (or Godzilla II), who is Godzilla. I saw this movie with my dad a time travelers and a young Godzilla, ADORABLE. So yeah, highly recom- couple of weeks after it came out in an which in turn gave his son inspiration mend this movie. It’s action packed. empty theater. My dad said that he saw to make his movies. JUST SAYING THAT And also the amazing line “Sayonara 7 year old me return during this movie. GODZILLA INSPIRED CLOSE ENCOUN- Baby Godzilla” is said, so like Academy He was right. The final battle alone was TERS OF A THIRD KIND. DOES THIS Award for best screenplay, anyone? just a shot to the nostalgia. If you watch MAKE SENSE TO YOU MAJOR SPIEL- any movie on this list, please watch this BERG. However, regardless of the story, Godzilla vs SpaceGodzilla (1994) one. It is thoroughly entertaining, and the fights are also boring, and just bad, you know what, yes the human parts and not in an amazing B movie way. It SpaceGodzilla’s design is fucking are weak, but that’s in keeping with ev- rad looking. That’s probably my only was a boring monster movie, and that Baby Gozilla (2019) ery other Godzilla movie. Between this is a travesty. compliment for this snooze-fest of a page 20 the paper november 15, 2017

Cats vs Dogs In light of a recent email asking students not to pet the cats on campus (lol k), we decided to see if maybe cats aren’t the best after all... or are they...or are they not...look okay that’s the point of the page you figure it out jeez

- Small and fuzzy - Will love any person EVER - Lick themselves to be clean? - Like to run and chase their tail - Assholes with claws - Occasional slob - Won’t let you touch their tummies - They come in all sizes & fluffiness!! - TOE BEANS - Social norm to sniff butts - Purring cures all illnesses - Mo butts - Excellent hunters - FETCH - You are their poop bitch - All cute even pugs are cute - A cat choosing to love you is the best - Are great pillows & snugglebuds feeling ever #affirmed - Unconditional love love love - Can climb on high things - Will eat your leftovers - They look into your soul - Will protect you - You eventually form an unbreakable -Might think they’re preggo when soul bond they’re not whoops -When they rub against you its like -Dog hugs are when they lean against you’ve inherited the world your legs november 15, 2017 the paper page 21

The process of signing up for of Mugz’s Bar. It would be so inter- REAL LIFE 3001 I got all the classes I wanted, well classes here is basically self- esting to analyze the various so- By Staff Barely a Real Adult except for one. To be fair you don’t torture. Every course listed that cial groups and the cultural hier- The class I most want to take is, really “register” for this class, but looks interesting is without fail archy of Fordham’s favorite dive. sadly, not offered at Fordham, I’m assuming that at some point always an empty husk that has Key projects would be identifying which is insane, because it’s the my sleeper-agent secret abilities no classes offered next semes- fuckboys, judging people based only course that 100% of people are going to be activated so I can ter, or like any semester. With on their drink orders, and writing need. It’s called REAL LIFE 3001. save the world from destruction. this harrowing season upon us, essays on how the modern college (It’s not an intro class, because Sure I have no evidence that I’m some of the editors are finding boy attempts to hit on girls. The if you’re in college and can’t actually a highly trained assassin themselves dreaming of classes class will answer questions such cook ramen, I honestly can’t help and acrobat who’s willing to take in a better world... as: Will that girl throw up? What is you.) I’m talking job interview ad- one life to save a million. But I’m that boy high on? Who is having a vice, cocktail party conversation only 21! I still have a few good Study Abroad Dreams good time? My final paper will be starters, how to get out of talk- years left in me! I’m sure of it, by Staff Hermione Granger on how styles of dress coincide ing about Trump with relatives. anyyyyy second now I’ll hear the Let’s be real, next semester I’m with drink choices. Is there a cor- You know, the REAL shit? I don’t activation code…give it a few mo- going to be a second-semester relation? Only this class will tell. need another philosophy course, ments…sigh…any day now. senior and my schedule is full of I need to know what investing is classes I want to be taking, class- Rick and Morty Fandom 101 and why I’m bad at it. Look, I’m History of Heavy Metal 3001 es that I’m excited for. But as my By PickleRickDab420XD a fairly functional adult—I worked By Staff Poser academic career (possibly) comes I just want to start off by saying a full-time job over the summer, I wish they offered a heavy metal to a close, there’s one thing that I’m a HUUUGE Rick and Morty fan. lived in an off-campus apartment, class because I’d take the shit out I’m sad I never experienced and My favorite episode is when Rick and regularly cook for myself. But of that. I’m always around look- that’s Hogwarts. Why Hogwarts turns into a pickle XD! I’m disap- I’m a senior and I am PANICKING. ing for new bands I may have not you ask? The fictional boarding pointed that there’s not a course I need to cover all the things that heard of and geeking out about school of my childhood? Because, at Fordham on how to be a better life hasn’t taught me, if only so I awesome guitar work. I mean I’d like, magic duh. And I never stud- Rick and Morty fan. To be fair, you can stop calling my dad every time honestly just take a class about ied abroad so like that would be would need a pretty high IQ to take my sink leaks. our lord and savior John Petrucci. pretty cool but MAGIC. I could learn it. If the class existed, the first se- Of course, part of it might just be to fly and cast a Patronus and play mester would be about the origins I Would Prefer Not To me calling everyone in the class a Quidditch and turn a rat into a of Rick and Morty’s jokes, which By Some Student “poser” or being called a “poser” teacup and learn about magical are very complicated actually. The There are so many great, chal- by someone else. It is also crucial history and troll rebellions!!! How midterm would require students lenging classes at Fordham. They for the professor to shit on every- does that not sound like the ideal to devise a plan to acquire Szech- push you as a student and expand one’s favorite band and only pro- academic experience? uan sauce from McDonald’s, and your mental boundaries as a per- mote the obscure terrible sound- the correct answer would be to son, but who gives a shit about ing recording quality bands that Bar Behavior Studies jump on the counter and scream that, I want to do absolutely noth- he loves and continuously listens by Staff Mugz Anthropologist “I’m Pickle Riiiiiick!” XDDDD. At ing, so basically whatever that to in the dark in candlelight while If I could take any class at Ford- the end of the semester, the final class would be, I guess. brooding and sacrificing a squir- ham, I would definitely take an an- would have students find a way to rel to Satan. If the class isn’t that thropology class about the culture get the criminal charges dropped. Staff Winter Soldier Wannabe metal what’s the point anyway. page 22 the paper November 15, 2017 on last year’s MY WOMAN. The album aren’t many other bands that just in- is generally folksy, with certain tracks voke pure brutality and aggression. sounding like old school country bal- This new album is no exception. One of lads. A great example of this sullen the singles off the album, “Code of the folk sound is ‘Tougher Than the Rest,” Slashers,” is a very heavy and slower which comes through with the mel- paced song that you can really head ancholy of 60’s country. Many of the bang to, and it sets the tone for the al- songs feature simple, rough-sounding bum. With some more melodic solos in melodies and instrumentation lifted tracks like “Remained,” and “Firestorm by Olsen’s incredible vocals and lyr- Vengeance,” the album keeps you in- ics. The best example of this for me is vested in the tracks and offers a nice the track ‘Sweet Dreams,’ where the break from the drum slamming, power vocals totally transform the song’s sim- chords, and tremolo picking that make ple, surf-rock melody into something up a lot of the tracks. The lyrics aren’t truly beautiful. Some of the tracks are that hard to understand on this album, a bit slow, but the strong points of the so if you’re into brutal subject matter album definitely outweigh its -weak about murdering people, or just really nesses. Angel Olsen did some really gross stuff and horror in general, then cool vocal and lyrical work on Phases, this is for sure the album for you. I got and for that fact alone the whole album to give props to the guitar work on this is worth a close listen. album as well -- Pat O’Brien and Rob Sam Smith of his love of men and how that won’t Barrett do an amazing job with their ag- The Thrill of It All change even if it may be disappoint- Fav track: California gressive and technically proficient lead By Olivia Langenberg ing. As a whole, this album conveys intimate feelings that are personal yet and rhythm guitar parts, respectively. On November 3rd, Sam Smith re- general enough for other young people Overall, this album is perfect for any leased his sophomore album, The Thrill to relate to. So, yeah, I’ll admit that fans of death metal and I would warn, of It All, and boy am I psyched about this album made me cry in the shower for those new to the genre, that it is it. I’ll be honest, I really wouldn’t have more than once. No worries, that’s just definitely not for the faint of heart. considered myself an avid Sam Smith the thrill of it all, folks! fan prior to listening to this album. I lis- Fav track: Code of the Slashers tened to his first release In The Lonely Fav track: HIM Hour back in 2014, but only the singles stood out to me. I also couldn’t even re- member what the album was called, so I guess I could say that it didn’t make a huge impact on me. On this new al- bum, though, there is a whole crop of songs that stick out and have me feel- ing sad about relationships that I’ve never been in. Taylor Swift Whether or not you actually enjoy his Angel Olsen Reputation music, I think we can all agree that Sam Phases By Colleen Burns Smith is a fantastic vocalist. While I’d By Kyle Zarif Taylor Swift is a take it or leave it art- say that the sound of this new album Angel Olsen’s new album Phases is ist: you’re either a die-hard fan or re- isn’t incredibly different from the first, a mix of “b-tracks, oddities and out- Cannibal Corpose pulsed by her existence. Her new and I’d wager that his voice is much stron- takes”, though at times it flows so well Red Before Black sixth album, Reputation, comes with ger than before. Not to it doesn’t feel like any- by Christian Decker a lot of savvy marketing strategies but mention, I think he has thing of the sort. The At last grotesque and gore-fueled also a heartfelt letter prefacing the al- a better grasp on lyri- album has a sort of Cannibal Corpse have returned with bum. She discusses the effects of so- cism with this album. unfinished quality that their new studio al- cial media, having her He masters the depic- reminds you you’re lis- bum, Red Before heartbreaks publicized tion of that one person tening to an album of Black. Led by vocal- for entertainment, and we all can’t get rid of random old recordings, ist George “Corpseg- the gossip that inevita- in “One Last Song,” but many of the indi- rinder” Fisher, Canni- bly comes with every which has me ugly cry- vidual singles on the bal Corpse have come album. This letter per- ing when he croons track are good enough back swinging with fectly sums up Swift’s “You made me sad till to stand on their own a new brutal work of new album: her life be- I loved the shade of or serve as singles on pure, unbridled, death ing constantly judged blue.” C’mon, we all love a good break- a more cohesive finished product. Fit- metal fury. For what and criticized by peo- up song. Humor me. tingly, the overall sound of many of the it’s worth, it isn’t too ple and the reputation One of the underlying themes of this tracks on Phases sound a lot like the different from their (hence the title) it war- album is coming to terms with sexual- older stuff Angel Olsen has released, other works, but that’s just how I, and rants. This album is a fierce response ity. In “HIM,” Smith takes ownership contrasting with the slick production many of their other fans, like it. There to those people. She builds a new November 15, 2017 the paper page 23 reputation and expresses the resulting energetic combination of dark bass pressures of her life. and EDM-style production. Personally, With some melodies of 1989 still I had only been exposed to Sleigh Bells breaking through, the vibe of Swift’s from “that one song” they had that was new album is for the most part differ- especially popular. Given the weird dis- ent because she takes on a new iden- sonance between flowery vocals and tity. She adopts a bad girl persona, melodramatically dark bass, I don’t who is powerful and in control, calling think I was missing out on too much. out critics and just living her life. With The best song on the album is the this identity, we lose her emotional and first: “Blue Trash Mattress Fire.” In this vulnerable side for much of the album song, everything Sleigh Bells attempted (“New Year’s Day” is a brilliant excep- to do throughout the rest of the album tion). But her music isn’t about heart- is done very well. There is a beautiful break anymore; it’s about rebirth. Hav- build to a very harsh guitar that follows ing accepted I can’t be emo and jam the vocalist’s distressed singing, which by: Chillary Bosch to new breakup songs in the car, I will makes for some really interesting mu- say she does retain her ability to write sic. “Blue Trash Mattress Fire” is, how- flawless lyrics. For example, she sings ever, still inflected with the melodrama phrases such as, “They’re burning all present throughout the rest of the al- the witches even if you’re not one, go bum, detracting from its good qualities. ahead light me up,” and “You should After the absurdly named “Blue think about the consequences of your Trash Mattress Fire,” it all goes down- magnetic field being a little too strong.” hill. Some of the tracks have reviving My biggest criticism of this album electronic backgrounds and bass, like is its EDM-influenced production. On in “Show Me the Door.” Unfortunately, some songs, such as “I Did Something instead of playing off of this produc- Bad,” it work, but on others, like “King tion, the vocals often stylistically clash. of My Heart,” it really doesnt. And some On this track, as well as many others songs are a mystery: “…Ready For It?” on the album, I have noticed an im- pressive ability to transition seamlessly Fav track: Don’t Blame Me from track to track. In general, the al- bum is rather cohesive. Unfortunately, that cohesion just results in “putting all your money in one pot,” so to speak. Sleigh Bells did a good job expressing their weird, contradictory style, but that style is at most times unattractive. Fav track: Blue Trash Mattress Fire

Sleigh Bells Kid Krushchev By Marty Gatto Sleigh Bells just dropped a new al- bum, and it is exceptionally mediocre. The name of the album is Kid Krush- chev. “Kruschev” refers to the leader of the Soviet Union after Stalin, a ref- erence that goes unexplained through- out the album. The album is a vocally page 24 the paper november 15, 2017