Roy U. Schenk and John Everingham
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BREAKING THE SHACKLES: Bringing Joy into Our Lives Roy U. Schenk, Ph.D. John Everingham, Ph.D. Editors With contributions by Robert Bly and Gershen Kaufman Roy U. Schenk, Ph.D., is a writer, speaker, and theoretician concerning gender issues. He received a Ph.D. from Cornell University in 1954. Over the past three or more decades, he has been searching to understand the male condition. He has written three books on gender issues and is increasingly excited about the possibilities for positive transformation of male-female relationships. His mission is to create a world where love, acceptance, and joy are the norms. He continues living in and enjoying a committed relationship of two decades with Kathy Seifert. He is the father of 10 children, grandfather of 23, and great-grandfather of 6. John Everingham, Ph.D., retired recently as Associate Professor of Oral Biology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, where he was an award-winning teacher of histology. He earned his Ph.D. in anatomy at the University of Washington and holds B.A. and M.S. degrees in zoology. Dr. Everingham studied humanistic psychology and related subjects for 30 years, exploring his own existential predicament and sharing some of what he learned. A restless searcher, he sensed for many years that something essential was missing from his “curriculum,” and at last discovered that for him the overlooked factor was internalized shame. He has been active in New Warrior programs since 1987, in recent years as a leader of Elders. His poem, “Rowing the Rio,” explores whitewater rafting as a metaphor for the soul’s journey and the importance of paradox. A divorced man, he has three adult children and two grandchildren. He may be contacted at 1915 Tanglewood #4c, Glenview, IL 60025, 847-657-0677, or via e-mail at [email protected] Copyright 2002 by Roy U. Schenk and John Everingham All Rights reserved REPRODUCTION RIGHTS We have chosen not to put a block on reproduction of this book. We welcome your sharing excerpts of the book with your friends and associates with the source clearly identified. You are welcome to print a paper copy for your own use. In the event that you choose to make a copy of all or a major part of this book on paper, CD, floppy disk(s), or other form of reproduction for someone else, we expect you to send us $8.00 for the first copy and $5.00 for each subsequent copy to MPC-BEP Press at P. O. Box 259141, Madison, WI 53725. We also expect you to include this statement with any reproduction. Failure to reimburse us for a reproduction constitutes theft. This would be a source of shame, which you do not need more of in your life. We offer you our blessings in your efforts to break out of the shackles of shame and to expand your being to include more of the awesome potential with which the creator has endowed each of us. MPC-BEP Press P. O. Box 259141 Madison, WI 53725-9141 Cover design by Don Wyeth Production Editor: Linda Wyeth Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Breaking the Shackles: Bringing Joy into our Lives: an anthology / Roy U. Schenk, John Everingham, editors. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 0961 13177-7-9 1. Repression. 2. Inhibitions. 4. Shame. 4. Men – Psychology. 5. Masculinity (Psychology) 6. Joy. Reproduced in the United States of America TABLE OF CONTENTS Page iv PREFACE...................................................................................................................................... vi Roy U. Schenk and John Everingham ...................................................................................... PREFACE TO THE REVISED EDITION.................................................................................... xi ACKNOWLEGMENTS ..............................................................................................................xiii CONTRIBUTORS....................................................................................................................... xiv CHAPTER 1 ................................................................................................................................. 21 Some Basics about Shame ........................................................................................................ John Everingham....................................................................................................................... CHAPTER 2 ................................................................................................................................. 35 Shame In Men’s Lives .............................................................................................................. Roy U. Schenk .......................................................................................................................... Chapter 3....................................................................................................................................... 51 Men’s Shame............................................................................................................................. Gershen Kaufman ..................................................................................................................... CHAPTER 4 ................................................................................................................................. 65 Seven Sources of Men’s Shame................................................................................................ Robert Bly................................................................................................................................. CHAPTER 5 ................................................................................................................................. 84 Healing Internalized Shame...................................................................................................... Gershen Kaufman and Robert Bly............................................................................................ CHAPTER 6 ................................................................................................................................. 99 Men Facing Shame: A Healing Process.................................................................................... John Everingham ...................................................................................................................... Chapter 7..................................................................................................................................... 121 Involving Men in Healing Their Wounds of Socialization....................................................... Compiled by Roy U. Schenk .................................................................................................... CHAPTER 8* ............................................................................................................................. 148 On Men, Guilt, and Shame........................................................................................................ Francis Baumli.......................................................................................................................... CHAPTER 9 ............................................................................................................................... 157 Basic Male Shame..................................................................................................................... John Gagnon ............................................................................................................................. CHAPTER 10 ............................................................................................................................. 171 Male Initiation: Filling a Gap in Therapy ................................................................................. Christopher Miller..................................................................................................................... Chapter 11................................................................................................................................... 176 A Shame-Based Model for Recovery from Addiction.............................................................. George Lindall .......................................................................................................................... Chapter 12................................................................................................................................... 186 Grandiosity: The Shadow of Shame ......................................................................................... David L. Lindgren..................................................................................................................... CHAPTER 13 ............................................................................................................................. 194 The Rescue Triangle: Shame Update........................................................................................ John Everingham ...................................................................................................................... TABLE OF CONTENTS Page v Chapter 14................................................................................................................................... 198 Forgiving The Unforgivable: Overcoming Abusive Parents† ................................................... John Giles.................................................................................................................................