A SHEPHERDESS INTERNATIONAL RESOURCE FOR MINISTRY SPOUSES

Volume 18 First Quarter 2001 Number 1

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have. Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free. Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste. Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive. Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born. Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses. Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships. Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do. Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge. Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because God has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul. Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have! Have a great day ... unless you have other plans. —Unknown

71e Yournaf COli/OF )S 97(US.//298. Stepping out of the hotel lobby, the bitter cold wind of December caught my breath. I snuggled down in my coat and breathed a thankful sigh that I 3 The Mountains or had the good sense to bring my heavy boots and scarf to London. Waiting the Maker for my friend Judy and my husband Jim to get into the car, I paused—and 6 The Husband-Wife saw her. She was bent over in a curve with a thin scarf clutched around her shoulders. Her feet were wrapped in plastic bags tied on with string. Relationship thip One of the city's homeless. She had toe nearly frozen. My whole body 7 Greatness Is Up ached at the sight. She passed by so quickly I had to run to catch up with to You her. Overtaking her so I didn't scare her by touching her on the back, I said "Ma'am, please—this is for you" as I stretched out my hand with several 8 Marriage Lessons pound coins originally meant for the taxi. From an Ivy Plant Without hesitation she lifted the large bag in her hand and with strength I couldn't imagine from a woman of her sire, bashed it into my face. It must 10 Showing God's Love have contained a brick because it nearly knocked me out. My face was to Hurting Children instantly numb with pain. Uttering words of obscenity, she kept moving, never missing a step, as I reeled to keep standing. Jim and Judy, sitting in 13 My Testimony the taxi were beginning to wonder if I had vanished into thin air. "What happened to your face?" they asked in horror as I stumbled into the car. 14 My "Soul's" Desire As clergy wives, most times the vicious attacks we receive by those we try to help do not conic in physical form. They are verbal, emotional, and 15 Insights From a inflict hidden wounds. But they do leave scars. Mother Teresa once said "The Marathon biggest disease today is not leprosy or cancer. It is the feeling of being 17 Let Us Rise Up uncared for, unwanted, of being deserted and alone." Maybe that is why so and Build much of our world is hurting and wants to hurt someone back. Yes, I still press coins into the hands of the homeless. And yes, I still 19 Pastor Friend, Lift hear lectures from my husband about it! But the point is that we should Up Your Wife continue doing whatever the Lord impresses us for good. Even if we are knocked down! Even if we are hurt! Even if it is by our own chuch members! 21 The Privilege of God bless each of you! Service

22 A Cry of Despair

.7Se Yournar A SHEPHERDESS Ministry to Clergy Spouses INTERNATIONAL RESOURCE FOR Division Coordinators: MINISTRY SPOUSES IS a quarterly publication ADRA—Pat Watts produced by Shepherdess International, an Africa-Indian Ocean—Denise Ratsara entity of the General Conference of Seventh- Eastern Africa—Angeline Musvosvi day Adventists Ministerial Association. Euro-Africa—Maeve Maurer Editorial Office: 12501 Old Columbia Pike Euro-Asia—Galina Stele Silver Spring, MD 20904-6600 Inter-American—Evelyn Omana Phone: (301) 680-6513 Fax: (301) 680-6502 e-mail: [email protected] North American—Marti Schneider Bible Credits: web page: www.ministerial association.com/ Northern Asia-Pacific—Mary H. T. Wong Text credited to NIV are from the Holy Bible, New shepherd/shepindex.html South American—Evelyn Nagel International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Printed in the U.S.A. South Pacific—Kay Winter Zondervan Bible Publishers. Coordinator: Sharon Cress Southern Asia—Hepzibah Kore Editor: Sharon Cress Southern Asia-Pacific—Netty Rantung All articles are printed with permission. Editorial Assistant: Shelly Lowe Southern African Union—Beautiful N. Wakaba Layout and Design: Ann Taylor Trans-European—To be appointed

2 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 7.A& 9.R1'0uniains or ./Aer iMier

Do I look to the mountains, expecting look to mountains for help when it 6anofra fi-Jearson my help to come from them? No, my is the Maker of the mountains who help comes from the Lord who made actually deserves our trust. the mountains. He will not let you slip Do we trust in creatures some- or fall but is always there to hold your times, in human beings, in wealth, hand. He never slumbers or sleeps but in things, when He is by our sides? watches over His people day and Do we trust in the powers of this night. The Lord is your keeper; He Earth when His providence, power on shades you from the blazing sun. The and goodness are so readily available? 7.&uy.ks sun will not hurt you and the moon We must lift our eyes above the hills will not harm you. The Lord will help to see the strength of One who "ever rilahn 121 you so you will not fall into evil. He lives to make intercession for us?" will preserve your soul. He will watch There are resources and individuals over your comings and goings as long who represent mountains in our as you live. lives. Consciously or subconsciously, —Psalm 121, The Clear Word we come to depend on them. With- out realizing it, we learn to depend hese poetic sentiments have on them to help maintain our stability affirmed thousands at the from day to day. But the Lord is the gsummit of contentment and only One upon whom we can rely sustained many others in the valley unconditionally. of despair. They have become so When I reflect on thirty-three synonymous with affirmation that years of fulfillment as the spouse of tears of joy and smiles of contentment a pastor, a mother, a homemaker, Sandra has been appear practically at the moment the and a professional; I realize that it is the wife of a pastor for many years. recitation begins. It's one of those His unchanging hand that has helped Currently she works psalms that always seems appropriate, me to juggle these roles with some with her husband, no matter what the situation. And measure of success. Jesus steadfastly Walter, for the Breath of Life yet, there seems to be another layer led me and helped to make sense television ministry. of meaning lurking beneath the of it all. He was the invisible, serene surface of this psalm. In the irreplaceable entity standing within opinion of some commentators, the the shadows to keep watch over me Psalmist is suggesting that we often and my family through the years.

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 3 It is a blessing to be surrounded thoughts. The natural humor that as the spouse of a minister. They by mountains. I have been blessed to you observe as my husband preaches were mountains. have many in my life. Until a few years has been a blessing in our relation- Through the years, God has ago, my parents were mountains for ship and in our home. We laughed strategically placed peers in my me. Their thoughtful instruction our way out of many difficulties as pathway who empathized and under- during my childhood was priceless, we trusted in God as the center of stood. Trust developed between us but not more meaningful than the our joy. My spouse has been a and we were able to share the unique encouragement that they supplied mountain in my life. joys and sorrows that are possibly for me as I faced the challenges of known fully only by those who have adulthood. They became best friends elected to take this path. Because to me and my husband. We visited distance or some other barrier often them, vacationed with them and forced me to walk without the drew strength from them on a support of a fellow shepherdess, I regular basis. They were dedicated 7. ere are limes (vAen lie learned to treasure those relation- Christians whose wise counsel and ships and depended upon them to mutual devotion represented a spouse of cz pas for feels comfort me in times of need. Other virtual fortress. My husband's parents alone. . . . order lo pastoral spouses were mountains for accepted me as their own and, me. though they often took my part over supporl our pasforal But most of us know that loneliness their son, blessed us both in much often accompanies the pastor and the same way. Family was for us a spouses and /fie Borof's the pastor's spouse. We are blessed mountain range. tvorA use often cover when we can be there for each other, In a real sense, my spouse has been however, the job of a pastor will a mountain for me and I believe that 6rakerz fzearis wit /2 sometimes leave the spouse to manage he would say that I've been the same some loosely related task while the for him. My adult children and I . -7.72-ere is no mys fe y pastor is engaged in a series of fondly recall those lectures that he surrouncling file fact' l'af obligatory tasks. In other words, repeated whenever we arrived at a there are times when the spouse of a new church. He would remind the pasloraf spouses are pastor feels alone. Sometimes we congregation that he was the only sing-kJ oaf as fa igefs of even feel forsaken. Both my husband member of our family who was paid and I have realized that the pastor to weather their criticisms and suffer lice enemy's afiack. 71-ie has avenues through which to patiently through their tirades. He verbalize the frustration that comes warned that, if anyone attacked me influence ofLice spouse on in the wake of the loneliness or or our children, they had better pray fe paslor's eile' clieeness frustration, but the spouse must that the Holy Spirit got hold of him often deal with these feelings silently. before he got hold of the attacker. is grealer /kin mos/ In order to support our pastoral Otherwise, he said, smiling broadly, spouses and the Lord's work, we there could be trouble. imagine. often cover broken hearts with Church members seem to think smiles. Whom do you depend on that pastoral families have no other then? reality outside of the congregation There is no mystery surrounding with its continuous concerns, but in the fact that pastoral spouses are this instance, God used us to uphold singled out as targets of the enemy's each other. My husband and I took Early in my experience as the attacks. The influence of the spouse the time to discuss what was spouse of a pastor, I was blessed to on the pastor's effectiveness is happening in our individual have a few superlative role models. greater than most imagine. In the professional situations with a view There were more experienced book titled Pastoral Ministry, on page to solving problems. We gave each spouses who, by precept and example, 86, the Messenger to the Remnant other the benefit of our corporate enriched my information base. Their Church says this: "The wife of a knowledge, but those discussions nurture and advice enveloped me at minister of the gospel can be either eventually gave way to more pleasant a critical period of my development a most successful helper and a great

4 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 blessing to her husband or a hindrance who have never encountered Counselor, volunteer personal to him in his work. It depends very adversity, but I have never met them. counselor, or juggling the much on the wife whether a minister There are those who seem to think responsibilities of parenting, home- will rise from day to day in his sphere that "Mount Pretense" is a reliable making, and a professional career, I of usefulness, or whether he will sink mountain in which to trust. was never alone. I just had to look to the ordinary level." At length, however, wounds and above the mountains to see His At first, this seems to apply only frustrations must be dealt with or smiling face. to the relative professional success of they will turn into resentments. Jesus I enthusiastically declare that I the pastor, but the influence of the stands above the mountains with wouldn't trade the experience of pastoral spouse is so pivotal that it healing for every malady. being married to a pastor for cannot be ignored by Satan. His There are those who cherish the anything. It has allowed me to see for attacks on the pastoral spouse have belief that the organization to which myself how the triumphant power of the potential to generate results that we fondly refer as "the church" will Jesus overcomes the significant are potentially just as devastating as somehow attend to the needs of power of evil. But that is not to say direct attacks on the pastor. Each of every worker and supply the that being a pastor's spouse is an easy us must recognize both our job. There are times when it can importance with regards to the seem the most thankless, endless, effectiveness of our spouses and the lonely job in the church. Your significance of our own spiritual deficiencies seem impossible to hide strength in the larger scheme of while your contributions seem things. When we are strong, our impossible to recognize. spouses tend to be affirmed and 7Se same Jesus w4ose My strength comes from the encouraged. If we allow ourselves to power anof aulSorily knowledge that we are preserved by be overcome by the trials that confront a "Keeper" who neither slumbers nor us, the effectiveness of our spouses sfeczciy /Se "sip of sleeps. He is a watchful keeper who may be diminished. The matter is doesn't have the least inclination to one of great consequence. Do we act Zion" is carefulfo sleep on the job. as though pastoral spouses never pas/oral families in /Se He not only protects, He also have personal challenges or do we refreshes us like cooling shade in the own our vulnerability and decide to palm of ,7fis Sanof: heat of the day. He is never far away. whom we must turn for strength? He is as close to us as our own David stands to declare that we shadow. He is at our right hand, and cannot depend on mountains. The since the right hand is thought to be hills to which we have looked for the working hand, He assures us that assistance will disappoint us He gives us strength to accomplish eventually. At perhaps the very tasks that seem never to end. He will moment when we face our most personal resources required to not suffer us to lose our footing in formidable foe, we will look and find sustain each pastoral family over the times of distress. Though adversity no assistance. span of a professional career in and criticism may try to overthrow Mountains are sometimes there ministry. While I thank the Lord us, He dispels our fears by keeping for others. Mountains sometimes for this church and its inspired our feet from being moved. rise to represent problems instead of organizational system, I beg you to The Lord shall preserve thee from solutions, but Jesus is always there look even above this mountain. The all evil. Whether that evil attacks to defend. He is a very present help same Jesus whose power and from within or without, He is there. in the time of need. The same power authority steady the "ship of Zion" He has promised to preserve us in that spoke the world into existence, through the raging waters is careful our going out and our coming in; in that launched the heavenly bodies on to hold pastoral families in the palm other words our moves. Having their invisible paths through the sky, of His hand. I can testify to the moved in and out of fifteen different and gave life to all things, is ever faithfulness of God. He has always dwellings, I take particular comfort present to intervene for us. But we been there to see me and my family in the fact that Jesus protects in this must look above the mountains. through. Whether I was serving way. Think about it when your next There may be pastoral spouses the church as a volunteer Bible move comes!

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 5 Xus6'a/201-7difi WelczflonsLy)

he word "relationship" is Once the honeymoon is over, ,73Aege defined as a connection, an real life enters the picture. Job affinity, likeness or attraction responsibilities, children and the between persons. A husband and everyday tasks that accompany life wife must have a good relationship take time and energy. It is easy to to sustain a satisfying marriage. neglect one another and be critical. There must be a strong connection It is important for each spouse to between the two. accept the common mistakes that After Creation, God said, "It is not happen when the other is over- good for a man to be alone." whelmed with responsibilities. They Consequently, He created Eve. must remember their love and look When young people are dating and to God for guidance. they make the decision to marry, There once was a college student certain things happen. They give named Rosemary. She was training themselves unreservedly to one to become a literature teacher. While another. They look at marriage as the in school, she met a wonderful man culmination and climax of their who had many qualities Rosemary courtship experience. They feel admired. John and Rosemary liberated from the courtship decided to get married and Rosemary restrictions and they look forward to envisioned a romantic life with the possessing each other in a complete man she loved. sense. These progressive developments After awhile, married life didn't in a loving relationship lead to a meet Rosemary's expectations. She deeper and more meaningful found herself bored doing the relationship. Each partner is household duties. She retreated into thoughtful of the other and the the world of fiction and spent her words "I love you" are said often. days reading romance novels. Once married, the husband and Rosemary realized the reading of D. M. Bhebe and wife should exercise self-control and such fiction was not doing her any her husband live in western avoid senseless quarrels. When two good. She was comparing her life to Zimbabwe, are united, they are blending two that of the unreal stories she was Africa where he distinct personalities. It is important reading. She could not help but is a pastor. They enjoy doing the to nurture one another and not let notice the contrast between her life Lord's work. one become dominant over the and the lives of the novels' heroines. They have three other. Communication is important Rosemary was so dissatisfied with sons. D. M. is self-employed as and all couples must work to avoid her marriage she began questioning a tax consultant. misunderstandings that cause strife her choice of a mate. She began to in a marriage. dwell on her dissatisfaction and

6 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 began thinking of her life before realized she was unhappy because came to realize that her marriage was marriage. She began to view her she chose to be. not a prison. It actually became a husband as stupid and dreary. The vows which a man and woman haven. Rosemary looked to God and When Jesus was on this earth, He take at the time they pledge their sought counsel from His teachings. gave us clear advice on dealing with absolute fidelity to one another Consequently, her marriage became our fellow man. In Matthew 7:3-5, represent the most solemn and strong and her outlook on life He says, "Why then do you look at binding obligation possible. The positive. the speck in your brother's eye and parties agree to accept each other for Such is the case when a man and pay no attention to the log in your better or for worse as long as life lasts. woman work to maintain their own eye? How will you say to your Rosemary discovered that with her relationship. God has blessed the brother, 'Please let me take that speck willingness to face reality and union of man and woman and it is out of your eye' when all the time assume her role as wife and help- up to us to cherish and uphold that there is a log in your own eye? You mate, she found contentment. She union. hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Rosemary failed to heed Jesus' advice. She became convinced she 9rea/ness Is gip 1o9ou was superior to John. She imagined she was the victim of misfortune to be married to a man who was 20111 y airy beneath her in accomplishments and possibilities. She actually began to grieve over the sacrifice she had made in renouncing her chances for There is just one you, not twenty, not ten, not two. a career. She began to bemoan her In all of the whole world through, God only made one you! fate and she dreaded the drudgery of housework. How special are you, how great is your fame? Rosemary began to think of her- How loved your appearance? self as a martyr. She longed for How revered your name? release from her bondage. When others are frowning, can you keep your smile? Unfortunately, Rosemary is not When others have quit, do you still walk that mile? alone in her despair. All too often, people let the devil weave himself Greatness is something that takes time to achieve. into their lives and they start And when it is given, how will you receive? questioning the importance of their Do not take it with arrogance. Do not take it with pride. marriage vows. But receive it with trust and love will abide. Fortunately, for Rosemary, she decided to seek the advice of her In your heart, from His heart, to other hearts too, pastor concerning her unhappiness Giving is the thing trust helps to do. and dissatisfaction. The pastor How important your greatness is, is all up to you. pointed out that an individual is capable of making or destroying his There is just one you, not twenty, not two. or her own happiness. Happiness In all of the whole world through, God made only one you. comes as a result of unselfishness. Happiness occurs when one focuses attention on wholesome and desirable Robin and her family are currently residing is Berrien Springs, Michigan. She and things rather than on things which her husband are ministering in the Michigan City and East Chicago Indiana are unpleasant and disappointing. churches. Robin is co-founder of "Yours is a Ministry Too," an organization geared The pastor stressed that happiness is towards encouraging and helping pastors' wives stay closely connected to Christ. It also encourages them to use their talents and God-given gifts to help others. Robin a state of mind. Rosemary finally loves singing for the Lord and sewing.

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 7 jirarrthge Lessons from Q12 Joy iian./

wenty-four years ago, I was graduation, the plant got ignored. 6ckvarz given a plant as a bridal After shipping our things off, I 7shower gift. It was given to realized, somewhat to my dismay me by a friend in the church where I that I still needed to figure out what was teaching. She told me that it was to do with the ivy, and what a a Swedish Ivy, and that it symbolized bedraggled plant it had become! I friendship. I was happy to get the think I would have abandoned it at gift, but quite sure that it would not that time, but Steve thought we last, as I have the proverbial brown should keep it. After all, it was a thumb. A gardener I am not! present. Never did I dream that such a I trimmed the long bare vines off, simple gift would take up so much watered the plant and tried to find a of my time and thought through the safe place in our little car to carry it. years to come. Never did I dream As we drove across the hot August that in twenty-four years I would country-side the poor plant died still have this plant—well, kind of. more and more each day. We stopped You see, there are some off at Steve's parents place on the characteristics of this plant that are way for a few days. I cut back all but very unique. First, I have seldom the barest growth. Since Steve was seen another one in flower shops or still reluctant to give up, we repotted green houses. Second, it is quite the poor plant in fresh soil, in a Judy counts among her greatest gifts her fragile, it can die easily—because it styrofoam cup. We bought one of husband, children and birth family. She started her career teaching in church schools, but has seems to respond to its environment those cup holders, hung it on my car changed careers in the last few years. She more than other plants. Third, in door, put the little plant in it, and thoroughly enjoys being a case manager for some ways it is very tenacious. In headed off to California. How individuals who are mentally and physically challenged. Rare spare time is filled with spite of being fragile, it also revives carefully we tended the plant! If we reading and very easily. stopped for longer than just gas, we sewing. Her My husband, Steve, was in the found shade, and left the windows passion in life is growing in her seminary when we married, and we down. relationship and still had 18 months before he was Our first assignment was pastor's understanding of finished. The plant grew quite well meetings at the conference summer God, and sharing this with others. during that time. camp. We took the plant into the This article was Eventually, we had to move to our cabin with us and continued our originally first church together—all the way watchful care. On the last morning a letter accompanying a across the country to California. In of the meetings, we were finally wedding gift for a the disruption of routine in finals ready to go see where we would start friend of Judy's and packing and preparation for our "real" work. We were so excited! daughter.

8 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 We loaded the car again, putting the married and raising kids, I guess I Tenacity, like the plant's (and little plant back in its holder. After am entitled to a little preaching, so Steve's), is important in marriage. just a week, it was perking up and bear with me! There are going to be days when you looked almost respectable—it even Love is like my plant. It can take a will be so frustrated with each other, had two or three new leaves. lot! that you will want to give up. Don't In our excitement, we forgot the Hot and angry words, sarcasm, let that happen. Decide now that plant was in the car and locked it up blaming: create a harsh environment giving up is not an option. Look at safe while we attended the final that will kill your marriage. Just like the plant. Remind yourself to keep meeting. The car was sitting in the the hot environment inside the car communicating. Keep forgiving. bright California August sunshine. almost killed the plant. Gentle, kind Keep asking Jesus to take control, When we got back to the car, it was words, thoughtfulness, forgiveness and ride things out until your to find a very sad-looking plant. It and going way past halfway, combine marriage is even stronger than looked like it had been cooked clear to make an atmosphere that will before. through. Since there was no trash grow a strong marriage. Water, which is so important for can handy, we carried it with us! The right exposure of sun to the the plant, is like prayer in a marriage. Steve still did not want to give up on ivy gave it interesting new leaf colors. It keeps the Holy Spirit there. The the plant. In the excitement of house The right exposure to the Son helps more you pray, together and hunting, unpacking and settling into your marriage grow and gives it lots separately, the healthier your our first "real" home, the plant was of new dimensions and interests. marriage will be. placed in the kitchen window, and Love for one another, starts off Even the very symbolism of the ignored. Several weeks later, I strong in a marriage. But a time will plant (friendship ivy) applies to noticed the plant again! To my total come when marriage will resemble marriage. Become each other's best surprise, the last twig in the dirt had my plant in its wilted, shriveling up friends. Stresses, kids, in-laws, job survived, and the ivy had once again leaves, and bedraggled look. (That's pressures, money problems, all are turned into a thriving little plant. a sure sign that the plant needs to be more easily handled when you have Every move we have made, the repotted.) That's when you will need your best friend with you. That is plant has accompanied us. It's been to spend some time with each other. even more true when the best Friend, thriving, half dead, repotted and Remember why you got married in Jesus is there. back to thriving again at least once the first place, adjust your priorities So while you are enjoying and every two or three years. It has to fit life as it is currently, ask God building your marriage, think of the donated parts of itself to lots of for help, read about how to make lessons from my plant, and grow friends and co-workers. It has lived your marriage better, and keep yourselves a wonderful, God-blessed through just about every kind of going. marriage. plant neglect you can imagine. Every time, given good fresh soil, a little tender care, and lots of water (by the way, it is a water hungry plant, and can grow roots and thrive quite a while in just water), it has taken off 7.0)AO can find a wife ofnoge cLzrczcier? and thrived again. After our last move, once again in c5Ae rs wordsmore more dean fie cos&esfiewels. a styrofoam cup of water, the plant's home is in a nice south facing sunny Jfer A'usSandA'as folafconfidence in per. window. It has taken on a whole new character. It has grown very thickly ..7-fe will never Se poor. with new leaves, and the sun has made the leaves reddish in color. ,f1A'er fife sAedo prim yood (Little sun makes them a tender green.) and miff neoer do cznyIA'iny, fo Larrn Lth. Now, I can't help but draw some —Proverbs 31:10-12, The Clear Word comparisons between that plant and marriage. And after 24 years of being

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 9 cWzili.'ng 9oc A L'oee 10 jfarithg GI kloiren

ou feel so bad for them.Your together. As you accompany your .Caren ZocIrey nephew faces a learning children through the pain, you disability and you wonder if become the vehicle through whom he'll succeed at school. The God shows His love. Children feel child you've liked since she was a less lonely when they have a hand to pre-schooler has just been diagnosed hold. They feel God's very real hugs with cancer at age eight. Another and very needed attention. divorce is breaking the heart of your Continue by equipping your daughter's best friend. Your own children to manage their crises. child is reeling from a former friend's There are ways around every tough announcement that he's no longer circumstance. So find those ways cool enough to sit with the friends with God's help. Invite teachers and he's known since kindergarten. fellow parents to show you strategies You feel so bad. You'd do anything that overcome your nephew's to take away their pain. learning disability. Ask nurses for But feeling bad won't take away distractions during painful cancer their pain. And trying to erase the treatments so your friend can get pain with words like, "Everything back to the fun of life. Teach will be okay," makes a child feel relationship skills so kids can get invisible. along with new siblings in their So what's the answer? Walk with blended families. List ten positive the child through her pain. Then ways to respond to the cruel friends equip her to manage the tough stuff who insist on ugly words rather than she faces. It won't be easy, but it's a encouraging ones. whole lot easier than abandoning a In any tough experience assure child to suffer alone. children that their feelings make Start by recognizing that the world sense. Anger, confusion, and feeling Karen Dockrey is a youth minister and writer of childhood is far from trouble-free. betrayed are fitting responses to the who likes to study the Bible with kids. She's Learning disabilities, cancer, divorce, tough stuff of this world. Give convinced that God has the answers to our questions, and that we can make it through death, and damaged friendships outlets for these powerful feelings so the tough stuff. She's the author of over haunt the happy days we want our kids can face their tough stuff rather twenty-five books including Growing a children to have. We'd like to wish than be eaten alive. Family Where People Really Like Each Other and The Holman Student Bible these away. We'd like to pretend they As you hear children tell you their Dictionary. don't happen. Bu the tough stuff is stories, it's okay to say, "I under- This article was printed in the David C. reality. It's part of this imperfect stand." You can't say, "I know how Cook Ministry Relations newsletter. Excerpt from Facing Down the Tough Stuff, by world we live in (Romans 8:19-21; you feel," unless you've been through Karen Dockrey, Chariot Victor Publishing. Revelation 21:1-4). So face it down exactly the same experience. But you

10 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 can listen closely enough to hear how • What do you think about what's express God's love, but doing that child feels about this experience happening to you? nothing makes a family feel this time. • What makes you so mad? abandoned. Even when you haven't been • What makes you happy and sad I can care no matter how much it through these things yourself, you these days? hurts. Too many people avoid can understand the feelings. You • How would you change things if children who are going through know what being sad, mad, worried, you could? tough stuff because it hurts them. or confused feels like. Let your • What actions have you tried to They can't figure out why innocent understanding of the feelings, help with that problem? children have to go through such combined with a willingness to listen Incarnate the Word. Rather than agonizing stuff. But when we refuse to specific circumstances, provide just quote Scripture, live it. As you to express care, children suffer alone. the care your friend needs. give homework help, deliver kid- You can help kids face down the Finally, just enjoy the children. friendly meals, do laundry, teach tough stuff because God will equip Kids going through tough stuff are friendship skills, and keep hearing you (Philippians 4:13, 19) and kids first. Help with the tough stuff, the details, you show the Romans because He Himself will one day but don't stay there. Ask about things 8:28 good that God continues to give wipe away all our tears (Revelation other than the learning disability, the even during crises. As you go along 21:4). cancer, the blended family, and the Show others how. Ephesians 4 friendship squabble. Share the good reminds us that we are equippers to stuff of life as well as the bad. And prepare God's people for works of stick with each other through thick service. Caring during tough stuff is and thin, confident that life is worth one of these services. So mobilize a living no matter the obstacles. caring team in your church, made up When you feel bad about a tough of both kids and adults. Show them time a child is going through, let how to listen, befriend, walk together your sadness prompt you to loving with simple words like, "This is action. No matter how personally Terry. Will you show him the ropes painful it may be for you, willingly and let him sit by you during class?" walk with your child through the or "Let's each wrap a gift for Jenny. pain. Refuse to abandon her to suffer Then she can open one each time she or cope alone. Add your strength to has a chemo treatment." Help your his. Do the practical things that team accept tears as signs of love make a real difference. Whether (John 11:35, 36). Prompt them to be you're a child, parent, teacher, strong by sharing the pain rather church workers, or another adult with your friend to cancer than pushing it away (Romans who cares about children, there is treatments or therapy sessions, you 12:15). Show them how to give the always something you can do to show the Romans 8:37-39 truth that practical help kids need, such as help. Start with the following God never abandons us. As you some privacy, some company, help M.I.N.I.S.T.R.Y. actions. By putting accept every feeling including with homework, invitations to feet on your care, you'll help all types uncomfortable anger and scary events, lack of labels, and more of tough stuff. questions, you show the Ephesians (Matthew 25:21-46). 4:25-27 truth that emotions point us Teach kids about it. Children are M.I.N.I.S.T.R.Y. to actions God wants us to take. often cruel when they don't Make certain you hear. Rather than Notes are more great ways to understand. When a nurse came to assume you know what your friend contact between visits. Sometimes explain Emily's cancer fight, her is thinking and feeling, invite your visits are too intense during the fourth-grade classmates said things friend to tell you. Be the yearned- height of the tough stuff. So leave like, "Why will her hair fall out?" and for-friend or parent who wants to answering-machine messages, "My cat had leukemia and it died." hear the details. Questions that show backdoor gifts, cookie bouquets, The nurse was able to explain that your interest include: letters, coloring books, floss for the hair falls out because chemo goes • Will you tell me about it? friendship bracelets, and more. You after fast-growing cells and hair is • What's school like this year? don't have to be there in person to one of the fastest growing. She also

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 11 explained that, though cats die of leukemia, kids usually survive. This group of children then took up for Emily when a child in another 7esilmony class, who did not know about Emily's cancer, made fun of her hat. They educated children. They demonstrated that as children understand they show care. Invite the parents, teachers, medical professionals, and others to tell you what they want you to know and what they'd like you to do. Be a good gossip by spreading the word. Remember. Mark on your calendar have always been enthusiastic the day of the learning challenge, the %l :Bernard. about sharing my faith and date of cancer diagnosis, the telling the experience of my remarriage date, the friendship pain, conversion. Although I was born the birth, death, and more. Then give into a Christian family, I did not care in the form of a card, a call, a choose to accept the Lord as my personal touch: "I'm praying with personal Savior and Friend until I you as the proficiency tests was 14 years of age. I vividly approach." For continuing crises, remember hearing the voice of Jesus repeat the care in two weeks, two as if He were next to me saying, "I months, one year, and annually after gave my life for you so that you may that. "I remember that your baby be free from sin and have access to sister died this month, and I want eternal life." you to know that she and you matter Having read Matthew's account of to me." the children sitting on Jesus' lap You really love the child rather than while He blessed them, I imagined feel sorry for him or her. Kids going myself sitting on His lap while He through tough stuff don't want to be spoke to me of His love, His set apart, admired, or treated with compassion, and His desire for me kid gloves. They want to be loved. So to give Him my heart. cuddle, listen to, and enjoy them. See My parents were fervent in their them as the delightful individuals religion, and they wanted my three they are, and equip them to give as brothers, my two sisters and me to well as receive. follow in their footsteps. They worked Important: Hurting kids are not hard to raise us children to be good heroes; they feel lonely and isolated. Christians and good citizens. Yet my Refuse to isolate them more by Alice Bernard has worked as a nurse most of heart was troubled. As I began to her life, and recently became a certified Child putting them on a spiritual pedestal Development study the Bible more intensely, I or admiring them from the pulpit. teacher. She discovered God's promises and This urges church members to feel coordinates a prayer found that my life was moving in a group that prays different from them and hesitate to every Friday night different direction than that which approach them with normal friend- at 9 p.m. through a my parents had intended. ship. Instead, teach your church calling partners One evening, while lying in bed system. Alice and members to live Romans 12:15 her husband, Elder reflecting on God's love and His and John 11:35, 36 with concrete B. P. Bernard, have plans for me, I had a dream which expressions of care, by hurting along two daughters and forever changed my life. In that one son. They have with them, and by giving practical been blessed with dream, I saw myself crossing a large help. eight grandchildren. river, leaving the world behind. On

12 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 the other side of the river I could see the Lord to change our father's heart. more than 200 of our family members the outline of a beautiful city, The church joined our family in are in the Seventh-day Adventist comparable to the one described in prayer, and they provided the support Church. Six of our children and six Revelation 21. It seemed as though I we needed during those difficult other family members have become swam all night, but with the help of months. pastors, and many others have heavenly angels, not only I but also Our heavenly Father did answer become church workers. members of my family and many our prayers. Although Daddy still Even with all of this, one of our other people were led toward the did not embrace our faith, he did most joyful moments occurred when shore of that bright and inviting city. return home. He became more my husband had the privilege of A few weeks later, my older sister tolerant of our beliefs, and even sat baptizing my father, who had at last and I sealed our commitment with through some of our worship chosen to follow the Lord a few years God through baptism in the moments. God's promises continued before his death at the age of 87. Seventh-day Adventist Church. In to provide direction to our lives. Praise be to God! our opinion, it was the only church As we children reached adulthood, The outlines of that beautiful whose beliefs completely followed we became more involved in our distant city I saw in my dream long the Bible teachings. As a newly church and we dedicated our lives to ago seem ever more visible as I feel the baptized adolescent, I was eager to sharing God's love with others. My soon coming of our Lord and Savior. share my faith not only with my two sisters and I married young men As I wait with eager anticipation for friends, but even more with other whose lives were also dedicated to His return in glory, I remain family members. My sister and I spreading God's message of love. constantly mindful of His mercies encouraged our brothers to attend These three Seventh-day Adventist and His love. It is thus with intense church services with us. We were pastors have collectively given 50 joy that I exclaim as did the Psalmist, saddened, however, when our father years of service to the ministry, "I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forbade us to talk at home about our preaching throughout the West for ever: with my mouth will I make new-found faith. To him, an Indies and the United States and known thy faithfulness to all educated architect, Seventh-day leading thousands to Christ. Today, generations" (Psalm 89:1). Adventists were a small group of fanatics among whom he would not want his children to be found. My sister and I often sneaked out of our home to attend church oery wor/Sa)Sife services, and we quietly shared our faith with our brothers and sisters. C czccomjahsSmenf, One by one, they were also baptized. When our father discovered what 6i9 or bilk, icas rfs siczyes of had happened, he announced that druoiyery and friumpS; no one in his home should ever step into a Seventh-day Adventist Church 6eyinniay, a sfruyyle, ciao( cz again. Little did he know what God's plans were. That same year, our oidory. —Unknown mother joined the church. For some 74'i ,„dkrox time, our father had been treating us badly, but now he decided that he no longer wanted to be a part of our family. So he left home. This was one .1 of the most difficult times of our lives. Physically we struggled to get ...... 40.11..7...,e ., 4. 4 00:r -.''''..47-4 • by on Mother's dressmaking income. frij)), Emotionally I wrestled with the /(47 knowledge that we had lost our father because of our faith. I prayed constantly for direction, and I asked f:P

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 13 "6ouf's"

t only happened once or twice Memories of the many times there jfazefiirarie a year, just according to how were no shoes to warm our little feet, ifast my little feet grew, but I even in the coldest, snowy winter 9orcion can tell you that one of my most days when I, along with my younger vivid and treasured memories was of sister and baby brother, lived in a dear Mother Charity and I going into drafty tar-paper shack before our the big city of Kalamazoo to shop for adoption. new shoes. Now the little Shirley Shoes, by the way, are mentioned Temple dresses so in vogue at that in the Bible 31 times. One of the time were darling as well as the silky most powerful and meaningful of all lace trimmed slips, but it was the the references to shoes is found in black patent Sabbath shoes for Ephesians 6:15. In the previous church that I was most excited about. verses it is giving a description of My sweet mother needed all the what we need to wear in the last days patience she could muster as we of this old earth. It talks about how trekked from one shoe store to we need to be wearing an armor, another looking for just the perfect something that will shield us from pair of Sabbath shoes. On more than the darts of the evil one, and that's one occasion I can still hear Mother where the shoes come in. I expressing sympathy for "that poor particularly like the paraphrase by young man that had worked so hard" Jack Blanco in verse 15 found in The only to be informed by Miss Priss Clear Word where it says, "Put on the (yours truly) that she would think shoes of the good news of Christ's about it, adding "perhaps I'll be back peace." As we live day by day in a later." With obvious empathy Mother world that has anything but peace, I would thank the helpful young clerk long for that time, as well as treasure, profusely as she turned to leave, this precious promise that through giving a final glance at the stack of Christ I can have real peace. As we Hazel is the wife the black patent leather rejects. all know, this ultimate peace will of Malcolm Gordon, Through the ensuing years I have only happen when we get to heaven. president of the had all kinds of shoes, all the way And so my friends, whether I will be Southern Union. from tennis to heels, some trimmed wearing sandals, boots, or those She is also Southern with bows, others with buckles, ones golden slippers that the beautiful old Union's women's that tied, or laced up, as well as shoes spiritual talks about, or even a pair ministries in a myriad of colors. As I think back, of shiny black patent leather shoes, advisor and Shepherdess perhaps part of my fascination for I can't wait to walk those streets of coordinator. shoes stems from my earliest gold. By God's grace let's all plan to experience and deprivation. be there.

14 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 inst:yks from a i(irarczion

t was a warm and sunny excitement. While watching, some 7rauAe 9yuraIe Sunday morning in May. My insights were given to me. husband had just left to take A few of these insights may come our son to the local pathfinder easily to your mind when you think group and I was doing work in the of watching a marathon. The Apostle kitchen while listening to the news Paul compares our way to heaven on the radio. Toward the end of the with a marathon. In 1 Corinthians news announcement, the speaker 9:24, 25, he writes, "Do you not announced that on this Sunday, the know that in a race all the runners 176 the International Vienna City run, but only one gets the prize? Run Marathon was taking place in in such a way as to get the prize." In Vienna, Austria, and it would be the Vienna City Marathon, three broadcast through one of the Austrian runners were leading the pack. One TV channels. Now, I have to admit was from the eastern Europe country that I am not a very sporty person Hungary, the other two from Kenya. nor am I normally interested in Quite early in the race, they left most sports programs on the television. of the other runners far behind. I But on this particular day, I thought went to do some task and when I I might as well watch the event. came back to watch more of the race, While quite a few Austrians were something had happened to the probably still asleep and others Hungarian. He had vanished. The comfortably sitting around their two Kenyans had taken the lead and breakfast tables, thousands of people the Hungarian was not mentioned from all over the world got ready anymore. I imagine he felt extremely to run more than 42 kilometers frustrated to be left behind and Frauke is the wife through Vienna. When I watched the become insignificant to the race. of Thomas Gyuroka, a pastor multitudes at the starting point, I got In the meantime, my husband and in Bregenz, not only interested, but excited. As I our son had returned from the Austria. They had planned some work to do on this pathfinder program. They, along have two children, Simon and Lisa. Sunday morning, it was not possible with our daughter, joined me in Frauke loves to for me to watch the entire marathon. watching the marathon. Our translate, read, But I went back and forth between attention was focused on the two write and enjoys being involved in my work and the TV set, skipping runners from Kenya. Simon Bor was church work. She part of the marathon but still the favorite. The other, Willy also enjoys being seeing enough of it to quench my Cheruiyot, was supposed to be the outdoors.

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 15 pace maker. I learned it is much we would genuinely appreciate one Compared to the attention the easier to run in such a long race if another and cheer each other on in winner got, the second place runner you are not on your own. It helps to our race to heaven. We should received almost no attention at all. have someone run at your side and support one another, regardless of But what about the masses who, hold the tempo. where we are in the race. We should from the very beginning, had no I resolved to make my fellow remember that it is God's grace that chance to win? What about those church members my God-given has enabled us to get where we are who knew they would not even be c`pace-makers." If there are times in the race and it is God's grace alone among the first ten or even hundred, when having someone at our sides that will help us finish the race. who knew that no one would in our earthly race may bother us, In the end, it was not Simon Bor, recognize their painful preparation, we should remember that it is for the favorite, who won the race. It was their efforts, their sacrifices? Why our own good to have people near his pace maker, Willy Cheruiyot. He did they start anyway? After all, a us. They drive us on and help us to even set a new record and ran the marathon is not a nice and easy keep the pace instead of falling race in a time that got him a nice Sunday afternoon walk. It can be behind. Mercedes in addition to the prize physically hazardous. Listening to As I watched the runners, there money. I later read in the newspaper someone who took part in more was one thing that touched me very than one marathon can give a most much. After a U-turn in the route of unpleasant picture of the strain and the marathon, the runners ran back pain most of the runners endure. the way they had come. The way was Why do the participants do it? Is it separated into two lanes so the 9oci does no/ care .1 we to prove something to themselves? Is runners would not collide. As the come ir2 firs/ or fczsi . . it the personal triumph they feel two groups came closer together, when they pass the finish line? something amazing happened. The _Wejun' wants us fo All of the runners do have "slower" runners who were already something in common. They all exhausted took the energy to Ihe race. Tien we are participate and finish the race. And isn't that what really counts, applaud the two Kenyans as they winners. . . .79Men eve passed them. There was no envy regardless of whether it is a physical because they were so far ahead of the cross fine, race or a spiritual one? Running a rest, no anger that they were out of race with the focus on winning and reach, no accusations of any kind. ofIhe entkisiczsfic giving all that one is capable of is Rather, there was a wonderful spirit response we wiffyref from expected. God does not care if we of comradeship. There was pride in come in first or last ... He just wants the fact that Bor and Cheruiyot had 906( us to finish the race. Then we are made it so far and it seemed to give winners. <.• hope to the other runners that If we give our all as we run our they, too, could finish the race. The spiritual race, think of the commentators mentioned that this that only after he had passed the encouragement we give to others was one of the nicest traditions ever. winning post did he learn about the around us. When we cross that finish I thought this was an important car. It made me think of the many line, think of the enthusiastic lesson for me and my church. If we "extra-surprises" that may await us response we will get from God. He compare our way to heaven with a in heaven. Of course, Jesus is the will embrace every saint who reaches race, we can think of people who are supreme prize. heaven and treat him as the winner, leading, people who are pace makers Cheruiyot passed the finish line no matter how long it took him to and people who are falling behind. just seconds before his fellow get to the finish line. Now think of how we treat each country man but even our children I want to run that race. I don't other. Do the spiritual leaders get noticed the difference in how the two want to get sidetracked by anything. pointed at because of their "extreme" were received. The winner got all the I want to keep my eyes on the goal views? Or, are the ones not in attention imaginable: flashbulbs so I can see Jesus standing at the leadership positions looked down popped, reporters asked questions, finish line waiting for me. I want to on? Just think of how much more water bottles were offered. And, of run straight into His arms and attractive our churches would be if course, he won all the prizes. rejoice in a race well run.

16 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 gis geiye gip anerrZuiloi

e have entered a new gives us guidance on how to bring a Xepzigah' 9 ,7Co.re millennium. Time is flying struggling church together. at lightening speed. We know the second coming of Jesus is at Concern for Others hand. Some have predicted that Jesus Nehemiah enquired about the will come during this year. Some say welfare of his people. When he heard He will not come so soon because of the pathetic conditions in which the Gospel has not even reached our they were living, he wept, mourned, neighborhood, let alone all nations. fasted and prayed to God. In prayer, More and more new congregations he confessed his sins and the sins of are established. But how strong are his forefathers and claimed God's the existing churches? Do believers promises of restoration if the people come through one open door and returned to God. leave through another? What are our What is the condition of your responsibilities as Shepherdesses of church today? Are the fundamental the remnant church? What should doctrines, the very foundation of the we do to build and strengthen our church broken down or upheld and churches? The more I thought about followed? The walls of a city are built it, the more Nehemiah's life came to for protection. Similarly, the mind. doctrines are to protect the church Nehemiah was the cupbearer of from falling into Satan's traps. We Hepzibah G. Kore is the Shepherdess Coordinator for the Southern Asia Division. King Artaxerxes. Even though he condemn and criticize the condition Before she took up these responsibilities, lived a comfortable life in the palace, of today's church but live comfortably she served in he was mindful of the remnant of the unmindful of the moral decline in education for 25 years. She has captivity. On enquiry, he found that some areas. As Shepherdesses and been happily they were in great affliction and responsible women in God's vine- married to a reproach; the wall of Jerusalem was yard, don't you think it is time for minister for 28 years. They have broken down and the gates were us to weep over the condition of one daughter, burnt with fire. What he did to the church, confessing our sins one son, one rebuild the wall teaches us valuable and claiming God's promises of son-in law, and one grandson. lessons on how to rebuild the restoration? Because Nehemiah Hepzibah enjoys churches that are broken down both presented the problem before the listening to music, spiritually and physically. The manner Lord, he found favor in the sight of reading and writing articles. in which he accomplished the task man-king Artaxerxes. Similarly,

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 17 stop the work. Surprisingly, in spite discouraged, who will stand by the of all the hindrances, the work was believers? Be mindful of your completed in 52 days. The reasons responsibilities. Depend on God are as follows. Firstly, Nehemiah set fully. Have a mind to work. He will an example. He believed he was fight your enemies for you. Victory doing a great work for the Lord. will be yours. Remember that you are He turned to God at all times for doing a great work. Do not let guidance, strength and courage to anything hinder your progress. withstand the enemies and to complete the work. Nothing could Meeting the Needs persuade him to stop the work. After the wall was completed, Secondly, the people were united. Nehemiah made arrangements to They jointly supported their leader. meet the various needs—physical, Thirdly, they had the mind to work. spiritual and social—of the people. Fourthly, each one was confined to The believers of your church have one's task. these needs too. Stoop to the level of the common people, identifying when we present our concerns for yourself as one among them and do the church before God, He will work everything possible to meet their out a solution for us. needs. This requires complete dedication Call to Build on your part. If you want your On reaching Jerusalem, Nehemiah 7Ae 6efleoers of your church to be built in the Lord, you went alone to inspect the condition cSurcS Sczue pSysical; have to surrender yourself totally to of the walls so he could act serve the church and the community. accordingly. He did not depend on a spiry/tied-and-social-needs Live an exemplary life so that those third person's information. He who come in contact with you will wanted to study the situation him- loo. (Sloop /0 /Se level. of see Christ. self. He called the people only when /Se common people, he was sure of what needed to be The Challenge done. He explained the condition iden/1:yinyyourse f as Nehemiah had a challenge before they were in and said, "Let us build him—the challenge to build the wall up the wall of Jerusalem, that we be one amony /Sem czno1010 of Jerusalem. His plea was "God, no more a reproach." He assured the euery/Siny possr6fe /0 strengthen my hands." You, too, have people of God's leading. a challenge to meet, a challenge to How do we react when our church meel /Selz- need. build God's church. Your plea also becomes the object of reproach or should be "God, strengthen my mockery? Do we add more fuel to hands." If your hands are weak, who the fire or does the fire of the Holy will strengthen the believer's hands? Spirit kindle our hearts to do some- They also will become weak. In spite thing? The people responded to of the difficulties you have to face, Nehemiah positively and strengthened the hurdles you have to cross and the their hands for the good work only When the work was complete, the obstacles you have to overcome, if because he took the initiative to enemies felt God's presence so much you only fix your eyes on the goal set rebuild. Similarly, if you take the they perceived the work was of God. before you, you will win the battle. initiative and formulate good plans When you, as a woman, take up a People will know that you are to build your church, the people will leadership role in the church, you empowered with the Holy Spirit. support you. hear mockery, unkind and rude And the task will be accomplished remarks. Your work often seems sooner and much easier than you The Secret of Success insignificant. There are more people expect. The enemies mocked at their to discourage than to encourage. But As we enter this next year, let us endeavor. They tried their best to do not be discouraged. If you are rise up and build our churches4a

18 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 31s/or 31-vienol; gip our 79*

r--.--n astor friend, lift up your Other times the children in your g yr. t ..../ wife before the heavenly home are said to do something they j throne. Your wife frequently did not do, or say something they puts up with frustrations unique to did not say, or behave in a certain her position in church life. For manner which was misjudged. Those example, there are times when you children live in that "fish bowl" are criticized as pastor; those barbs called "pastor's home" seven days a may be unfair. You may be led of the week. Too many eyes are on them; Lord to deal with such injustices in they grow up with this surveillance a forthcoming sermon. That in itself —no let-up. gives you a certain personal release At times you can lose yourself in from the tension build-up due to the your pastor's study or in visiting injustice. pastor friends or attending a civic However, think of your wife's event. You can lose yourself in a reaction toward those who unfairly sport or hobby that is not directly criticize your ministry. You, after all, related to the family. However, your are her husband; she does not like wife is left to work out that situation the unreasonable criticism concerning in which your daughter and son were your dedication. Yet she does not unfairly criticized. She is left with have a pulpit from which to deliver hearing them out in the living room a sermon. She has only her kitchen after am upsetting school day. She sink! However, she does want to is left with trying to put pieces defend you, point out how you together. were not understood, how you were Therefore, lift up your wife for the Grant Swank is pastor of the New Hope Church misinterpreted. How can she vent Lord's new-day strength to be hers in Windham, ME. her frustrations? Probably in no as a mother to your children. She He is married to practical way. probably spends more hours with Priscilla and they have three Therefore, lift up your wife in them than you are able to. Therefore, children—Crystal, thanksgiving to God for her being she needs your intercession for her Jay, and Heidi. He, such a sensitive helpmate. She day-by-day wisdom to be increased. a chocoholic, enjoys his family. He also ministers alongside you, but Let her know that you take note of is into watercolor frequently having to be silent when her careful motherliness to your painting, walking she would like to speak freely, openly children. and taking in all the Maine scenery about crucial matters. Let her know Sometimes the pastor's wife has a he can get! that you, at least, understand. difficult time making ends meet.

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 19 There is only so much she can do And she may also ponder that the always considered herself strong and with that "stretched dollar." Yet the parishioners' homes are not "fish able to confront life's difficulties children keep coming home with bowls." They have the privacy she with a certain reserve. Therefore, she another five dollars needed for yearns for but cannot have. does not want to admit even to this, a ten dollar bill needed for Therefore, lift up your wife in herself that she feels very much that. Medical bills mount up. prayer to God for His joy to return alone, undone, at wits' end. Unexpected expenses interfere. She to her heart, for fresh happiness to However, what could you do if she cannot take from the grocery money bless her activities each day. Then let did open up to you, telling you that forever! her know how much you appreciate she is quite spent in the work? How Where can she come upon an extra all that she does, how well that she would you react? Would you dollar or two? Can she find a part- does it, and how you could not see conclude that she is weak, over- time job outside the home? Does she through the ministry without her reacting, just going through "a have enough hours and energy to see dedication. You could also plan a phase"? Or would you listen, under- that through along with being a get-away for the two of you—far stand and then try to fill in her minister's wife and overseeing the from the phone. vacuum with some varied agenda? home? At times, it can be especially Another frustration may be her There are plans that you have had in grating to have to live on the salary loneliness. There are so many details the back of your imagination that that a pastor makes. Yet she tries not that the minister's wife must keep you were going to set in place for the to complain for she understands that confidential. She cannot talk about two of you. Then why not activate the gospel work is going ahead these private specifics of other's lives. them right now? Your wife may need because your family is dedicated to But she is pained by them. She all that—now. ministry. cries over them. She prays for these Therefore, lift up your wife, not Therefore, lift up your wife for individuals. only in prayer, but also in love— heaven's economic miracles to bless However, who is there to pray for practical love. Do something her efficient efforts. And be more her? Who listens to her sufferings? different. Go someplace different. vigilant yourself in not over Who cares about her loneliness or Eat out for breakfast more often, spending. Work out that family even detects she is in fact lonely? after the children have gone off to budget together. Is there some way After all, she smiles. She prays. She school. Vary the evening schedule; that the financial weight can be laughs. She gives. She enjoys life. At get a baby-sitter more frequently for carried more evenly by both of you? least, that is what the church folk those little ones. Consolidate some Talk to her about it. have concluded about your wife. church meetings so that they are not Sometimes the thought may come That is because she is a giver and a spread out over every week night. to your wife that she did not decide server. She is going to try her best to These days are complicated. on this ministry call after all. You are live out the Christian hope and Church life is becoming increasingly the one who was called, not her. happiness—especially in front of the more difficult with the complex The devil can twist her mind some- parishioners. attacks from a complex world. times so as to get her out-of-sorts, Nevertheless, she is also quite Therefore, special attention must be depressed. This can occur so subtly human, just as all the rest of us. And given by you to your consecrated that she is not aware of what is so she has that empty vacuum to deal wife. She really is trying her best. But happening. However, you note that with. There is that island on which she needs you to say that you note a discouragement has settled upon she resides. She has no trustworthy that,that you thank God for her, that her daily duties. She feels as if she is confidant. There is no woman friend you are going to help her deal with going to implode. nearby with whom she can open up. the unique life of a pastor's wife. Your wife may look at other wives Perhaps in another pastorate it was Reassure her that she is not alone in the congregation who do not have different; but where she is now, she in all of this. You are not only her the home phone ringing off the hook is very much alone. husband; you are indeed her best with church problems clamoring for You in your busyness may not be friend. Then see through best-friend attention. She thinks how fortunate sensitive to this. It is because she sharing in its most daily, practical those women are in that their does not want to worry you and the persistence. husbands are home evenings, not children so she hides her loneliness Heaven will bless you for lifting up out to one more church function. even from you. After all, she has your wife—now.

20 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 7,4e j?rieifege of 6ervice

.Talricia Caearro Ore 97"rarruez

hen I think of the privileges be like Jesus in His ministry. He was positions. Soon they discovered the I have as a pastor's wife, I am always ready to serve. He dedicated ability God had given me for manual --(2)grateful to God for the His life entirely to serving humanity. crafts, so it didn't take long for them opportunities He grants me to serve An experienced colleague and I to ask me to do some of their "work" Him. Nevertheless, I also know that were once talking and she told me while they rested from their "labors." along with those privileges come she had a small business. She sold I remember asking myself what they serious responsibilities. The brethren fruit. I asked where she got her fruit. had done to deserve those favors? always expect more from me. A She said she would frequently visit Did being pastors' wives allow them smile, a word of encouragement, a the brethren who had fruit farms to take advantage of others? cheerful greeting. I try not to and because she was the "pastor's Such an attitude contrasts with disappoint them even though my wife," they would give her the fruit Jesus, who said, "But made Himself nature is a shy one. I try to be kind or sell it to her at a very low cost. Her nothing, taking the very nature of a to everyone and show no favoritism story made an impact on me. I servant, being made in human to any in the church. There are times wondered if what she was doing was likeness, being found in appearance when certain brethren offer to do or right. as a man, he humbled himself, and give me something. Though I may I have noticed that in the Seventh- became obedient to death, even benefit from such gifts, I always day Adventist colleges there is an death of the cross" (Philipians 2:7, refuse. I feel I would be abusing my abundance of pastors' wives in 8). As pastors' wives, we must take position. teaching positions. I have often heed and be like Jesus. We should not The verse found in Matthew 20:28 wondered if many hold their positions take advantage of our positions and comes to mind: "For the Son of man because of their intellectual expect our brethren to bestow didn't come to be served but to capabilities or because they are undeserved gifts on us. Instead, we serve." I think it is a beautiful thing pastors' wives. Is their interest to should bestow our gifts unto them. to be a leader, but we must learn to serve because of their experience and We should share our time and talents capability or are they employed with them. We should remember because of their husbands' positions? what our Lord said, "It is better to As a young pastor's wife, I noticed give than to receive."

Patricia Navarro de Marquez and her some of my more mature colleagues Dear sisters, dear pastoral wives, I husband, Pastor Jonathan Marquez, are in the ministry would often ask encourage you to imitate the example working in the San Andres, Isla, Colombia favors from the brethren for one of the greatest of all servants, Jesus district. She has written articles for several thing or another. It seemed to me Christ, our King. Be a giver, not a Adventist magazines. Patricia is also a fashion designer. they were taking advantage of their taker. c.

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 21 T-) OfDeSpali)

ith delight the girl, Pushba, That night, Pushpa lay awake in [Airdie AGVar exclaimed, "Mother, isn't it bed, staring at the ceiling. She wonderful that I have wondered why her father had to die. completed high school? Now I need She wondered why she had to be an to go to college. I can hardly wait for only child. At first, she had felt the time when I will be holding a fortunate to be the only child, but degree in my hand and I will earn now she wished she had a brother to enough to support you." The mother help her in this crisis. No brother, no stared at her daughter with tears in father and only a sick mother. her eyes and replied, "Yes, Daughter, Pushpa decided to look for work the I am so proud of you, but . . ." her very next morning, yet she dreaded words faltered. the dawn of that day. "But what, Mother, but what?" After a simple breakfast, Pushpa After a long pause, Mother finally was ready to begin her search for a responded. "Daughter, ever since job. Mother kissed and blessed her your father died, you know we have before she went out the door. As been poor. The little money he left Pushpa left her house, she wondered behind has been stretched to its where to go. She thought she would limits. I know you have a try one of the big hotels in hopes that government scholarship to cover some manager would take pity on your school fees, but what about her and hire her. food and medical expenses? Worst of Putting on a brave front, she all, Daughter, I am very sick. I did approached a huge hotel. Though not tell you earlier for I was afraid her legs were trembling, she went to of disturbing your concentration as the desk where the manager sat. He you completed your exams. I am not looked surprised to see her. able to work anymore, so there is no She began, "Sir, I am looking for a way we can buy food and medicine." job. Can you help me, sir? I need one Birdie Poddar and her husband, "Oh, Mother, what shall we do?" badly because my mother is sick. I D.S. Poddar, are There was silence again, Finally, can be a receptionist. Please, sir, I enjoying Mother said, "You have to find work will do my best." She paused and her retirement in the my child." beautiful eyes filled with tears as she waited surroundings of "But, Mother, how can I find work for his reply. Maranatha with only a high school certificate?" "Oh yes, yes, I can help you," he Colony, Hosur, India. Birdie "Perhaps you can find a job as a said. He picked up the phone, spent many years receptionist. Just go out and try. You muttered some words, then dropped as a teacher and must work, no matter how menial the receiver down. In a short time, office worker. the job, if we are to survive." three girls came down the staircase.

22 The Journal, First Quarter 2001 They all seemed very happy. They man downstairs had promised her between the parting of her hair, to were dressed with fine jewelry and the job, then tricked her into coming indicate they were married. He then lots of makeup. Upon seeing them, to the room. She explained how she covered her hair with a shawl, took Pushpa relaxed. She was happy was locked into the room for hours. her hand and led her down the stairs because the girls looked as if they She then said, "Please, sir, help me of five floors to the restaurant below. wanted to help her. get out of this room. My mother is As the couple passed, the manager The girls took her hand, talked sick and needs me. I have no father looked at them with angry eyes. In a pleasantly to her and led her upstairs and no brother and I need to find a loud clear voice, the man said to the to the top floor of the hotel. She was job to support my mother. She must people in the restaurant, "Attention, led to a room and told to go in. After be very worried because I am not please. Today is my wedding day. I she entered, the door slammed shut. home yet. Please, sir, help me." want you all to rejoice with me. I Realizing she was alone, Pushpa tried The man comforted Pushpa and therefore order the restaurant to give to open the door only to realize it assured her he would help her. But you all the best food they have and I was locked from the outside. In first, he said she must wait a few shall pay the bill!" The crowd shouted despair, she cried, "Oh dear, how moments. When he started to leave, and cheered and clapped their hands. dreadful for them to lock me inside! she begged him to stay. Again, he The bridegroom looked at his Does it mean I am captive? I did not assured her he would be back, then bride and both sat down to enjoy a ask for this!" he walked out the door and locked delicious meal. Afterward, the Pushpa wailed and cried loudly. her in again. bridegroom paid the bill and the She kicked the door with all her It seemed like ages before she couple walked out to his car and left might. No one seemed to hear her. heard the door being unlocked. The the hotel. Pushpa's mother was well- She kicked until her feet were sore, man reentered and beamed at Pushpa taken care of and she received love she banged until her fists were with a big smile. He said he had a and care as long as she lived. swollen. Her eyes burned with plan. He told her he had been to the This is a true story. Unfortunately, despair, her body trembled with fear. temple to pray for a way to release there are many other young girls in Pushpa was in deep despair. her. He told her the only way to get similar circumstances. These girls As evening approached, Pushpa her out of the mess she was in was end up in lives of servitude and heard the door being unlocked. The to marry him. Pushpa was surprised despair. Dear Shepherdesses, the door opened and a young business- but she had a feeling of peace and Lord is calling us to reach out and man appeared. It was his habit to security with this man. The man help these poor, unfortunate girls. come to that hotel, relax and get opened two packages. One was a They need deliverance from this some rest from the pressures and mongol suthra, a gold chain that kind of life. They need our love. demands of his prospering business. symbolized matrimony. Then he They need our help. They need to He was a bachelor and had no real applied sindhur, a red powder, learn about our Savior. home to go to. He mostly sought food and rest from hotels. When he registered at the hotel, he was assigned the room in which Pushpa was held captive. Upon seeing him, Pushpa retreated One °foes no/kny to one corner of the room. With folded hands, she pleaded for mercy. whO fries fo console "Please, sir, do not touch me." The man came close to her and she a olesponcieni person wilh' word: prostrated at his feet, crying and pleading. He then gently lifted her rie.ncl is one wh'o aid's ()feed's up and said, "Do not fear. I will W not touch you. Just tell me your of a crilica problem." Pushpa told him how she had when Gleeofs are caffe(f for. come to the hotel to find a receptionist job. She told how the —Titus Maccius Plautus

The Journal, First Quarter 2001 23 Are you tired of your usual menus? Do you need a new Sabbath dish? Are you looking for a dessert for the school open house? Does your family want something different for dinner? Is next Sabbath church potluck?

Find your answers in Seasoned

with -.fa/tie A Second Helping

Enjoy your own copy for only US$14 95..._ (plus shipping).

Order today from The Ministerial Resource Center 12501 Old Columbia Pike Silver Spring, MD 20904-6600 E-mail address: [email protected] Phone: (301) 680-6508; Fax: (301) 680-6502