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The Duel Observer Volume XXV, Issue V “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.” February 20, 2015

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The Duel Observer Volume XXV, Issue V “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.” February 20, 2015 THE DUEL OBSERVER Volume XXV, Issue V “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.” February 20, 2015 BEACH PARTY 2015: Right Shark’s Revenge NDREW illiNGS MAil about the impending cold and thought that this CICLE ONTEMPLATES LOW A J ’ E week would be a great time to show off my new I C S SAVES SEVEN HUNDRED LIVES sleeveless dress. My boyfriend just dumped me and DEATH Undermines natural selection I need a rebound. Call me,” she added in a whisper. Dreams of Siberia and immortality By Ms. Suder ’18 “I had no idea that I needed to cover my en- By Ms. Chappell ’15 Snowman Warfare Dept. tire head,” Patrick Olsen ’18 said. “I’ve been gluing Frostbite Dept. (DUNHAM QUAD) The woefully ignorant stu- two slices of bread to either side of my face for the (GUTTER OUTSIDE OF COMMONS) While Ham- dent body received an email last week from campus past few months and I thought it was working. I ilton’s students look forward to a future in which the walk hero Andrew Jillings outlining techniques to keep think I might have a yeast infection inside my ear, from KJ to Benedict won’t involve the death of 45,781,623 warm in sub-zero temperatures. Though simple in though.” skin cells, the largest icicle left clinging to the roof of its construction, the email probably saved the lives Central New York, though lovely in the sum- Commons foresees his imminent end. of half the students on campus because although mer, is less than optimal for survival in the winter, Left alone with only a frozen banana and the crusty rem- we basically live in an icy tundra, people still think unless you’re currently in hibernation, which is un- nants of a three-day old danish for company, the icicle has found hats, like the ubiquitous chic beanie, exist only for derstandable because it’s cold as hell right now, holy himself thinking more and more about his approaching demise. fashion and not to keep your ears from falling off. shit. “I always knew it would happen eventually, but I’ve After receiving the email, many students reconsid- Students who hail from more tropical loca- been reading a lot of Sartre lately, and things are starting ered their planned wardrobe. Masses of students that tions are the only ones on campus warmly dressed to look really bleak,” the icicle said. would have otherwise been dressed in light L.L. Bean enough to actually step outside without dying. Relishing the sub-zero climate, he used to spend the days jackets, salmon khakis, and baseball caps changed their Funny how that works. monitoring the thickness of his shaft and boasting to the minds en masse and decided on the dark blue khakis “I KILLED MY ROOMMATE WITH A neighboring snowdrift about his impressive girth. However, instead. BALLISTIC BOOGER ICICLE (BBI),” said the prospect of spring has caused the icicle to a have a major “When I got that email in my inbox, I clicked Miami native Dexter Morgan ’16 while shaking depressive meltdown, which brought out his vengeful side. on it by accident. I was going for the Opus menu uncontrollably. “I cut him open and cozied up in- “If this really is the end, I plan to make it as impressive and my finger slipped,” Jen Parker ’17 recounted. side his body for warmth. This is not a drill.” as possible. It would be great if I could penetrate some- “But looking back, thank god I did. I didn’t know one’s skull, but I don’t know if I have the pointiness for that,” the icicle reported, sighing wistfully. “With the right good use of all the snow on this campus.” TUDENT N ONG isTANCE wind gust, I might just be able to puncture a kid’s kidney. S I L -D The act has incited differing views among the That would be sick.” RELATIONSHIP CAUGHT student body. Campus Safety has attempted to remove the offend- UCKING NOWMAN “On a predominantly liberal campus, I think F S ing icicle, but without success. Both enjoyed snowball play it’s important that we, as a community, be more “I tried to knock it down with a shovel, and the asshole By Mr. Hossain ’18 accepting of others’ sexuality,” Aurelia Tag ’18 re- showered me in ice chips,” officer Darrell Fink reported. Kink Shaming Dept. sponded. “She wasn’t harming anyone, right? She “Once the temperature hits 40° F, you can bet I’m going to (SAGE RINK) Do you want to build a snowman? was just exploring her sexuality as a snowwoman. enjoy watching him crumble, drop by drop.” Perhaps the vast majority of Hamilton students I mean— woman.” Despite his taste for violence and bloodlust, the icicle has outgrown this joyous hobby, but not Anthelia Other students have expressed more confu- is enjoying watching the creation of the kraken on the Elsa Anna Smith ’17, who generated a stir across sion than offense. “I don’t even know how that’s tundra that used to be Dunham Quad. campus after several photos posted on Facebook even possible. I haven’t seen any of the photos yet. “It’s just nice to know that some things will outlast showed her making whoopee with a snowman. Does ...does anyone have them?” Martin Vanguard me, you know?” The icicle said, gazing at the gaping maw A broken carrot nose wrapped in a condom was ’15 said. of snow. “I may not make it past March, but that thing’s found next to a large pile of snow that same, win- “I have no comments. Please, I just want to going to be collecting dog piss until July. try evening. do my job,” snow plower Joseph Bard said as he Smith, who is three years into a long distance waved away the press. relationship, explained that her frosty lovemaking When asked to offer his thoughts, the snow- resulted from frustration after having been away man had nothing to say, either. Because he’s a from her boyfriend for five months. “I was experi- snowman. encing a really bad dry spell,” Smith said in her de- Despite all the attention Smith has gained, fense. “Of course I’m not going to cheat on Brant- she remains unfazed. “I don’t care really,” she pro- ley, so I did the next best thing: I built a snowman nounced. “It’s my body. Besides, he had a very so I could fuck it. It’s not like they build sex dolls pleasurable dicksickle.” “Please help me.” for straight girls, so I built one for myself the easi- est way I knew how. You can’t say I haven’t made In this issue: Anthropomorphism MARDI GRAS ASH WEDS LENT UNNAMED CAMPUS GROUP Hamilton Presidential Hopefuls: Beads Batman BBreaking Point OUTRAGED BY PLANT HEALTH CARE LEXANDER AMilTON T A H ! S TALK ECA R O F ENT L 60% chance High probability “Fuck it, I’m a He will literally make bank. flashing just gets ashes don’t give Scientologist you frostbite. you superpow- now.” See “Who’s next, THE GAYS?” pg. “We won’t even have to rebrand!” ers. Huckabee 2016 THirTEEN WAYS OF LOOKING Why do you imagine gilded nights? FRIDAY FIVE: Do you not see how the black North Face AT A BLACK NORTH FACE AN UPDATE ON THE MOST SliPPERY Hangs in the dark, By Mr. John “Doe” Anonymous ’15 LACES ON AMPUS A woman in her own right? P C By Ms. LaSon ’17 I VIII After the recent observation by several astute community Among sweating Bundy bodies, members that the college campus has become an icy death-trap, I know slurred accents Campus Safety officers compiled a list of the most slippery -lo The only sobering thing And lucid, flighty visions; cations on campus in order to reduce incidences of injury due to Was the loss of my black North Face. But I know, too, what they called “a literal representation of hell frozen-over.” That the black North Face is present II 5. The path downhill to Bundy: After several students For what I know. suffered falls while attempting to walk up and down the I was a crying eye, sidewalk leading to Bundy dorm, Bundy residents have Like a snowflake IX installed a pulley system made entirely of broken coat- Melting on the collar of a black North Face. When the black North Face remained out of sight hangers and filthy bed sheets in order to obtain food, It marked the edge water, and booze until the icy conditions improve. III Of my tequila memory. Martin’s Way, right before bridge: After being The black North Face shivered in the shadowed corner. 4. lured into a false sense of security by the strange It was a small part of the foreplay. X heated bricks outside KJ, and before facing the At the sight of black North Faces obvious danger of the bridge, many students IV Lining the snow paths, have recently fallen victim to this treacherous stretch of Martin’s Way. Tickets for prime seats Bean boots and leggings Even the chorus of winds on the second floor of KJ are now on sale in Are one. Recognizes the ironic individualism. Sadove. Bean boots and leggings and a black North Face Are one. XI 3. Just inside the doorway of literally any building on He rode over Connecticut campus: Never played a game of human bowling? V In Daddy’s new Beemer. Now’s your chance! Wait behind a door, pick someone to be your bowling ball, and just give them a shove! I do not know which to prefer, Once, a fear pierced him, Ten points for freshman or sophomores, five for The warmth of fleece In that he mistook upperclassmen, and twenty for professors, but only Or the warmth of down, A crippling self worth problem if you don’t get caught.
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