SYLLABUS L•VE & INTIMACY
J, THE COUPLES CONFERENCE APRIL 19 - 21, 2002 LAX Marriott Hotel, Los Angeles, CA
featuring Constance Ahrons, PhD ¥ Ellyn Bader, PhD ¥ Helen Fisher, PhD Pat Love, EdD ¥ Christine Padesky, PhD ¥ Peggy Papp, ACSW Frank Pittman, MD ¥ David Scharff, MD Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD ¥ Jeffrey Zeig, PhD ~ LAWS & ETHICS Worksho by Mathilda Canter, PhD CONFERENCE SCHEDULE AT A GLANCE
7:00-8:11AM Registration 8:11-8:30AM Opening Remarks Imperial CD 8:30-8:30 AM Keynote Address - Helen Fisher, PhD Imperial CD Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment 8:41 AM-12:41 PM Workshops Exploring the Interaction Between Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment- Helen Fisher, PhD Imperial CD
After the Affair: Trauma and Recon~ation- Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD Marquis 1 The Truth About Love: Transformng Research Into CHnlcallmpact- Patricia Love, EdD Imperial EF A Primer of Object Relations Couple Therapy- David Scharff, MD Imperial AS 2:00-6:00 PM Workshops
Making Divorce Work - Constance Ahrons, PhD lmperiaiAB In Quest of the Mythical Mate: An Introduction to the Developmental Model of Couples- Ellyn Bader, PhD Imperial CD After the Affair: Trust Sexual Intimacy and Forgiveness - Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD Marquis 1 Experiential Methods for Treating Couples - Jeffrey Zeig, PhD Imperial EF 0-0~~~~~~~~0:
8:00 AM-12:0n PM Laws & Ethics Track - Part 1 Marquis 1 Practicing Ethicaly in Today's World- Mathilda Canter, PhD 9:00 AM-12:00 N Workshops
Couples at the Crossroads - Constance Ahrons, PhD Imperial AS Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy- Frank Pittman Ill, MD Imperial CD Chaos, Transference Geography and Trauma - David Scharff, MD lmperiaiEF 1:30-3:30 PM Laws & Ethics Track - Part 2 Marquis 1 Practicing EthicaHy in Today's World- Mathilda Canter, PhD 1:30-2:30 PM Panels & Conversation Hour
Panel1 - Anatomy and the Physiology- Fisher, Love, Scharff Imperial CD Panel 2 -Affairs - Ahrons, Pittman, Spring Imperial AS Conversation Hour 1 - Bader lmperiaiEF 2:46-3:41 PM Panels & Conversation Hour Panel 3 - Therapist Beliefs- Padesky, Pittman, Scharff lmperiaiCC Panel 4 - Chore Wars or Clutter, Clutter- Who Controls the Clutter? - Bader, Love, Zeig Imperial AE Conversation Hour 2 - Spring Imperial EF 4:00-6:00 PM Keynote Address Imperial Cl Love in the Time of Prozac and Cyberspace - Peggy Papp, ACSW
8:30-8:30 AM Keynote Address lmperiaiCI Couples in Crises; Couples in Treatment- Frank Pittman Ill, MD 9:46 AM-12:41 PM Workshops
Men and Marriage- Frank Pittman Ill, MD lmperiaiCI What Ues Beneath: Cognitive Therapy for Couples in Conflict- Christine Padesky, PhD Marquis Is It Symbiosis or Is It Intimacy?- Ellyn Bader, PhD Imperial AI
Changing Belief Systems in Couples Therapy- Peggy Papp, ACSW Imperial El 2:00-6:00 PM Workshops
Erickson/an Methods to Empower Couples- Jeffrey Zeig, PhD Marquis Sexual Savvy in the Therapy Room - Pat Love, EdD lmperiaiCI When You Wish Upon a Star: Constructive and Deconstructive Language in Couples Therapy- Christine Padesky, PhD Imperial AI Couples Therapy for Depression: His or Her Depression - Peggy Papp, ACSW E 6:16-6:30 PM Closing Remarks Imperiale 5:00-8:00 PM Continuing Education Validation Imperial/Marquis Foy The Couples Conferences have become a leading ONSITE REGISTRATION FEES 11ehicle for learning the applications of the latest ·esearch on facilitating treatment with couples. $450 for the entire Conference Therapists are continually thrust into the tension of $150 per day (can include the Laws & Ethics X>uples' colliding goals, values and interests. As couples Track on Saturday) herapists, we listen daily to conflicting demands and $100 for the Laws and Ethics Track only Jrapple with competing theories and interventions. At this Conference, you will see, hear and learn from ACCREDITATION eading-edge theorists and practitioners as they define, AMA - The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. is lescribe and discuss differing approaches that initially accredited by the Accreditation Council for continuing »romote closeness and those that move toward Medical Education to provide continuing medical nanaging difference and facilitating differentiation. education for physicians. By the end of three days, you will have advanced and The Milton H. Erickson Foundation designates this efined your own thinking about how to approach the educational activity for a maximum of 21 * hours in hallenge of facilitating intimacy. Category 1 credit toward the AMA Physician's Recognition Award. Each physician should claim only WORKSHOP ON ETHICS those hours of credit that s/he actually spent in the A six-hour Laws & Ethics program is included in the educational activity. ~onference and runs concurrently with the Couples APA - The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. is :onference sessions. You may elect to register for this approved by the American Psychological Association to rorkshop only. The course covers the necessary topics offer continuing education for psychologists. The ,r professional license renewal. This special program Erickson Foundation maintains responsibility for the 'ill be presented by Mathilda Canter, PhD, Saturday, program. Credit is provided on an hour-by-hour basis. pril20, 8:00 AM-12:00 Nand 1:30-3:30 PM. (21 * hours maximum) PROGRAM OBJECTIVES NBCC - The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc., is 1. In working with couples, be able to directly recognized by the national Board for Certified Counselors :idress issues of love and intimacy. (Provider #5056) to offer continuing education for 2. To compare and contrast clinical/theoretical national certified counselors. We adhere to NBCC :;,rspectives and translate these into specific Continuing Education Guidelines. This program provides terventions. a maximum of 21 * hours. ELIGIBILITY BBS - The Erickson Foundation is a board-approved The Conference is open to professionals in health provider (PCE #398). This course meets the lated fields including physicians, doctoral-level qualifications for 21.0* hours of continuing education ;ychologists and dentists who are qualified for credit for MFTs and/or LCSWs as required by the embership in, or are members of, their respective California Board of Behavioral Sciences. ofessional organizations (i.e. AMA, APA, ADA). The BRN - The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. is >nference also is open to professionals with mental approved by the Board of Registered Nursing in !alth-related degrees (i.e. MSW, MA, MS, MSN) from California to offer continuing education for nurses :credited institutions. (Provider No. CEP 9376). This program is eligible for a Applications will be accepted from full-time graduate maximum of 21.0* hours. Jdents in accredited programs in the above fields who pply a letter from their department certifying their Licensed California Psychologists 1-time student or intern status as of April 2002. APA Sponsor credit is accepted for MCEP credit in California. CE credit only will be granted under the Milton SPONSORSHIP H. Erickson Foundation APA Sponsor approval. This meeting is sponsored by the Milton H. Erickson Psychologists will have to report their own undation, Inc., a federal nonprofit corporation, formed attendance using the appropriate form and paying the promote and advance the contributions made to required filing fee to the MCEP Accrediting Agency. alth sciences by the late Milton H. Erickson, MD. The Reporting forms will be available at the Erickson ard of Directors of the Milton H. Erickson Foundation Foundation Desk during the Conference. t Jeffrey K. Zeig, PhD, Elizabeth M. Erickson, BA, *Total number of hours depends on the length xanna Erickson Klein, PhD, Camillo Loriedo, MD, J. and number of events attended aries Theisen, MA, MBA, JD, and Bernhard Trenkle, »1. Psych. The Erickson Foundation does not discriminate on FINANCIAL DISPOSITION basis of race, sex, color, national or ethnic origin. Profits from the Conference will be used by the Organizational assistance was provided by The Milton H. Erickson Foundation to support its uples Institute; Menlo Park, California. The Directors educational and scientific efforts. Ellyn Bader, PhD and Peter Pearson, PhD CONTINUING EDUCATION SITE AND ACCOMMODATIONS Participants in CE activities will be made aware of The Couples Conference will be held entirely within any affiliation or financial interest that may affect the the LAX Marriott Hotel. The Conference hotel and speaker's presentation(s). Each speaker has been meeting rooms are accessible to people with disabilities. requested to complete a conflict of interest statement. The names of faculty members declaring a potential PARKING conflict of interest are indicated in the program syllabus. Self-parking and indoor valet parking are available at the hotel. The rate for valet parking is $11 per day. CONTINUING EDUCATION VALIDATION The rate for self-parking is $8 per day. These rates are Validation of Continuing Education forms will be good for all registrants of the Couples Conference. held throughout the Conference. After attending all BOOKSTORE sessions for which they are requesting continuing The bookstore at the COuples Conference features education credits, attendees may submit the books by the presenters, as well as related titles. The completed evaluation forms to the Erickson Foundation bookstore is located in the Marquis 2 room. CE Validation Desk. Attendees will receive a Certificate of Attendance BOOKSTORE HOURS (Hours may vary) showing the total number of Continuing Education Friday - 7:00 AM-5:30 PM credit hours they have earned. Saturday - 7:00 AM-6:30 PM The Continuing Education Validation Desk will be Sunday- 8:00 AM-3:00 PM open until6:00 PM, Sunday, April21 If you leave the Conference before Sunday AUTHORS' HOUR & RECEPTION afternoon, evaluation forms can be validated at the Saturday 5:15 - 6:15 PM Registration Desk or completed forms may be mailed in the Imperial/Marquis Foyer to the Milton H. Erickson Foundation and a Certificate of Attendance will be mailed to you. Full attendance at each session is required to receive CE credit. No partial credit will be awarded. AUDIOTAPE DESK Professionally recorded audiotapes are available at Workshop evaluation forms MUST be completed the Audiotape Desk in the Marquis Foyer. Tapes will be AFTER EACH WORKSHOP and placed in boxes located in ready for sale shortly after each presentation. the back of each workshop room. Please note: Individual tape recording is not permitted VOLUNTEERS AUDIOTAPE DESK HOURS (Hours may vary) A number of volunteers are assisting with the Friday- 8:00 AM-6:00 PM Couples Conference. They can be identified by their RED Saturday - 8:00 AM-6:30 PM RIBBONS. If you are asked to change seats to Sunday - 8:00 AM-5:30 PM accommodate someone who is physically challenged, please do so. We appreciate the work done by the volunteers and appreciate your cooperation if they make special requests. SMOKING POLICY Smoking is not allowed in meeting rooms or IDENTIFICATION BADGE in the Imperial & Marquis Foyers At the conference, each attendee is issued a name badge. Please wear your badge at all times. Only persons who wear identification badges will be admitted to any of the scheduled programs or activities. INFORMATION & MESSAGE BOARD An information/message board will be located nea SYLLABUS the Registration Desk. Notices may be posted, but rna This book contains educational objectives, be removed at the discretion of the Erickson Foundation. presentation descriptions, location of events, workshop Emergency messages also will be posted on the board. handouts and additional information. Replacement copies are available, while supplies last, for $5. LOST AND FOUND LITERATURE TABLES Please tum in found items to security at the Marriott If you have lost something check with security. If item Literature tables are located in the Registration area 4 and other Conference areas. There is a charge to display are turned in to the Registration Desk, they will be give materials. Please ask the Erickson Foundation for to the security department at the hotel at the close of th permission to display literature on take-one tables. meeting. Unauthorized material will be removed. ACTIVITIES OF THE MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION
TRAINING OPPORTUNITIES ERICKSON ARCHIVES The International Congresses In December 1980, the Foundation began collecting audiotapes, videotapes and historical material on Dr. Erickson The Erickson Foundation organizes International for the Erickson Archives. The goal is to have a central :ongresses on Ericksonian Approaches to Hypnosis and repository of historical material on Erickson. More than 300 :;,sychotherapy. These meetings have been held in Phoenix in hours of videotape and audiotape have been donated to the 1980, 1983, 1986 and 1992, in San Francisco in 1988 and in Foundation . •os Angeles in 1994, with the Seventh and Eighth Congresses The Erickson Archives are available to interested and 1eld in December 1999 and 2001 in Phoenix. qualified professionals who wish to come to Phoenix to Brief Therapy Conferences independently study the audiotapes and videotapes that are n 1993, the Foundation sponsored the Brief Therapy housed at the Foundation. There is a nominal charge for use of :onference in Orlando, Florida. Another Brief Therapy the Archives. Please call or write for further details and to :onference was held in December 1996 in San Francisco. The make advance arrangements to use the Archives. hird Brief Therapy Conference was held in NYC in August 1998. The fourth Brief Therapy Conference is scheduled for AUDIO AND VIDEO TAPES )ecember 12-15, 2002 in Orlando, Florida. The Milton H. Erickson Foundation has professionally Seminars recorded audiotapes from its meetings available for purchase. In the intervening years, the Foundation organizes national Professionally produced videocassettes of one-hour clinical ieminars. The four-day seminars are limited to approximately demonstrations by members of the faculty of the 1981, 1982, l50 attendees, and they emphasize skill development in 1984, 1989 and 1997 Erickson Foundation Seminars, and the 1ypnotherapy. The 1981, 1982, 1984 and 1997 seminars were 1983, 1986, 1988, 1992, 1994, 1999 and 2001 Erickson 1eld in San Francisco, Dallas, Los Angeles and Phoenix, Congresses also can be purchased from the Foundation. espectively. In 1989, the Foundation celebrated its 1Oth Audiotapes and videocassettes from the 1985, 1990, 1995 ~nniversary with a training seminar in Phoenix. and 2000 Evolution of Psychotherapy Conferences, and the 1993, 1996 and 1998 Brief Therapy Conferences also are Evolution of Psychotherapy Conferences available from the Foundation. The Milton H. Erickson Foundation organized the first :volution of Psychotherapy Conference in 1985 in Phoenix. It AUDIOTAPES OF MILTON H. ERICKSON, M.D. vas hailed as a landmark conference in the history of The Erickson Foundation distributes tapes of lectures by 1sychotherapy. Faculty included Beck, the late Bruno Milton H. Erickson from the 1950s and 1960s when his voice 3ettleheim, the late Murray Bowen, Ellis, M. Goulding, the late was strong. Releases in our audiotape series are announced in ~obert Goulding, Haley, the late Ronald D. Laing, Lazarus, the Newsletter. ,adanes, Marmor, Masterson, the late Rollo May, Minuchin, ,oreno, E.. Polster, the late Miriam Polster, the late Carl TRAINING VIDEOTAPES FEATURING AN ~ogers, Rossi, the late Virginia Satir, Szasz, Watzlawick, the HYPNOTIC INDUCTION CONDUCTED BY ate Carl Whitaker, the late Lewis Wolberg, the late Joseph MILTON H. ERICKSON, M.D. 'Volpe and Zeig. The Process of Hypnotic Induction: A Training Videotape This conference was repeated in 1990 in Anaheim, Calif., Featuring Inductions Conducted by Milton H. Erickson in 1964. vith a similar faculty including Bugental, Glasser, Hillman, the Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D., discusses the process of hypnotic ate Helen Singer Kaplan, Lowen, Meichenbaum and the late induction and describes the microdynamics of techniques that ,ara Selvini Palazzoli. Keynote addresses were given by the Erickson used in his 1964 inductions. ate Viktor Frankl and Betty Friedan. In Symbolic Hypnotherapy, Dr. Jeffrey Zeig presents The Erickson Foundation jointly sponsored the European information on using symbols in psychotherapy and hypnosis. :volution of Psychotherapy Conference, July 27-31, 1994, in Segments of hypnotherapy conducted by Milton H. Erickson iamburg, Germany. This Conference offered a faculty similar with the same subject on two consecutive days in 1978 are :> previous Evolution meetings with the addition of the late shown. Dr. Zeig discusses the microdynamics of Erickson's 'iktor Frankl, Gendlin, Grawe, Kernberg, Meyer, Stierlin and symbolic technique. 'alom. Videotapes are available in all formats, in American and The December 1995 Evolution of Psychotherapy foreign standards. For information on purchasing tapes, ;onference was held in Las Vegas, Nev. and featured the contact the Erickson Foundation. arne faculty. Gloria Steinem offered the keynote address. The ,ay 2000 Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference was again PUBLICATIONS 1eld in Anaheim, Calif. Elliot Aronson and Herbert Benson 1ffered keynote addresses. OF THE MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION The following books are published by and can be ordered Intensive Training through Brunner/Routledge Publishers, Inc., 1900 Frost Road, Regional workshops are held regularly in various locations. Suite 101, Bristol, PA 19007; 1-800-821-8312. The Phoenix Intensive Programs, with Fundamental, A Teaching Seminar with Milton Erickson (J. Zeig, Ed. and 1termediate and Advanced (supervision) levels are available Commentary) is a transcript with commentary, of a one-week J qualified professionals and are held regularly. teaching seminar held for professionals by Dr. Erickson in his Regional workshops and the Intensive Programs are home in August 1979. (Dutch, German, Italian, Japanese, nnounced in the Foundation's Newsletter. The Foundation Portuguese, Spanish and Russian translations available.) ~rovides training/supervision for professionals. The Foundation Ericksonian Approaches to Hypnosis and Psychotherapy (J. ; equipped with audio/video recording capabilities. Inquiries Zeig, Ed.) contains the edited proceedings of the first egarding services should be made directly to the Foundation. International Erickson Congress. (Out of print.) Ericksonian Psychotherapy, Volume 1: Structures; Volume II: CURRENT THINKING AND RESEARCH Clinical Applications (J. Zeig, Ed.) contain the edited IN BRIEF THERAPY proceedings of the Second International Erickson Congress. Current Thinking and Research in Brief Therapy: Solutions, (Out of print.) Strategies and Narratives. Evolving from The Ericksonian The Evolution of Psychotherapy (J. Zeig, Ed.) contains the Monographs, this series contains only the highest quality edited proceedings of the 1985 Evolution of Psychotherapy articles on brief therapy theory, practice and research. Volumes Conference. (German and Japanese translations available.) I, II and Ill are available from Brunner/Routledge. Developing Ericksonian Therapy: State of the Art (J. Zeig & S. Lankton, Eds.) contains the edited proceedings of the Third THE SEMINARS OF MILTON H. ERICKSON International Erickson Congress. During the Centennial Celebration of Erickson, the The Evolution of Psychotherapy: The Second Conference (J. Foundation launched a new series of professional books and Zeig, Ed.) contains the edited proceedings of the 1990 audio recordings of Milton H. Erickson, MD. The first in this Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference. series is a seminar conducted in 1962 in San Diego, California. Brief Therapy: Myths, Methods & Metaphors (J. Zeig & S. Gilligan, Eds.) contains the edited proceedings of the Fourth International Erickson Congress in 1988. ERICKSON INSTITUTES There are 100 Milton H. Erickson Institutes/Societies in the Ericksonian Methods: The Essence of the Story (J. Zeig, Ed.) United States and abroad that have permission to use contains the edited proceedings of the Fifth International Erickson Congress in 1992. Erickson's name in the title of their organization. Institutes provide clinical services and professional training. There are The Evolution of Psychotherapy: The Third Conference (J. Institutes in major cities in North America, South America, Zeig, Ed.) contains the edited proceedings of the 1995 Europe, Asia, Australia and New Zealand. Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference. For information, contact the Milton H. Erickson Foundation or The following book is published by Jossey-Bass, Inc., and visit the Institutes website (www.erickson-foundation.org/ can be ordered through the Erickson Foundation: institut. htm ). What is Psychotherapy?: Contemporary Perspectives (out of print) (J. Zeig & W. M. Munion, Eds.) contains the edited WEBSITE commentaries of 81 eminent clinicians. The Erickson Foundation has a website featuring detailed The following book is published by Sage Publications, 6 information about its activities. The website originally was Bonhill St., London, England EC2A 4PU. In the USA, Canada developed and designed by Stephen Lankton, M.S.W., LMFT, and Latin America- Sage Publications, Inc., 2455 Teller Road, DAHB. The current Web master is Erickson Foundation Faculty/ Thousand Oaks, Calif. 91320. Institutes Coordinator Jeannine Elder. The website can be Milton H. Erickson, M.D. (J. Zeig and W.M. Munion, Eds.) This reached at http://wvvw.erickson-foundation.org. is a primer on Dr. Erickson and his work. NEWSLETTER THE MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION STAFF The Milton H. Erickson Foundation publishes a newsletter Sylvia Cowen - Comptroller/Tape Sales for professionals three times a year to inform its readers of the Jeannine Elder - Program Director/Faculty & activities of the Foundation. Articles and notices that relate to Institutes Coordinator/ Ericksonian approaches to hypnosis and psychotherapy are Webmaster/Graphics included and should be sent to [email protected]. Karen Haviley - Marketing Director/Registrar/ Business and subscription matters should be directed to the Newsletter Coordinator Erickson Foundation at 3606 N. 24th Street, Phoenix, AZ Dan Short - Associate Director 85016-6500. Susan Velasco - Business Director/Continuing THE ERICKSONIAN MONOGRAPHS Education Coordinator/Intensive The Foundation is sponsor of The Ericksonian Monographs. Training Coordinator The highest quality articles on Ericksonian hypnosis and Ann Webb - ReceptionisWolunteer psychotherapy are included in The Monographs. Ten issues Coordinator were published under the editorship of Stephen Lankton. The FOUNDATION NEWSLETTER STAFF Monograph series evolved into the Annual of Arief Therapy. Richard Landis, PhD - Executive Editor Sharon Mclaughlin, MA - Managing Editor
THE MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION proudly announces the formation of the FOUNDATION PRESS Books and audiovisual materials, including a digital book (CD ROM) of all Erickson's published work in a searchable database
More information can be found on the Press website at http://www.erickson-foundation.org/press LOVE & INTIMACY: THE COUPLES CONFERENCE April 19-21, 2002 Los Angeles, California
MEET THE FACULTY
~ONSTANCE AHRONS, PhD, is Director, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage Consultation Services. She is Senior Scholar, Council m Contemporary Families. Dr. Ahrons is Professor Emerita of Sociology and former Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy >octoral Training Program, USC, Los Angeles. She was Fellow at the Radcliffe Institute for Advanced Studies at Harvard 2000-2001). She is author of The Good Divorce (HarperCollins)
:LLYN BADER, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in private practice and Co-Director of the Couples Institute, Menlo Park, California. )r. Bader has been conducting professional training programs in family therapy, couples therapy and transactional analysis for the ast 20 years. Dr. Bader is the past president of the International Transactional Analysis Association and has served as a consultant > various family therapy agencies. CAMFT awarded her The Clark Vincent Award in 1993. Her latest book is Tel/ Me No Ues.
IATHILDA B. CANTER, PhD, is a former Chair of the Arizona Psychology Board; she also chaired the American Psychological .ssociation Ethics Committee, and the sub-committee that developed the final draft of the current APA Ethics Code. She is in rivate practice in Phoenix, Arizona. Dr. Canter is co-author of Ethics for Psychologists: A Commentary on the APA Ethics Code. he is frequently consulted regarding ethical issues and currently serves as a member of the Arizona Psychological Association thics Committee.
ELEN FISHER, PhD, is Research Professor, Department of Anthropology, Rutgers University. She is currently studying the neural >rrelates of romantic attraction, using fMRI brain imaging. In 1985, Dr. Fisher received The Distinguished Service Award of the nerican Anthropological Association for her work in communicating anthropological data to the public. She is author of The Natural rstory of Monogamy, Adultery and Divorce and The First Sex: The Natural Talents of Women and How They Are Changing the 'orld.
~T LOVE, EdD, is a licensed professional counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist. She began her professional career a faculty member of Texas A&M University, Commerce. She co-founded the Austin Family Institute. Dr. Love has authored and -authored several books including Hot Monogamy and The Truth About Love.
fRISTINE PADESKY, PhD, is Co-Director of the Center for Cognitive Therapy, Huntington Beach, Calif. She is Distinguished unding Fellow of the Academy for Cognitive Therapy. Dr. Padesky is internationally recognized for her cognitive therapy 1rkshops and her audio and video training tapes (www.PADESKY.com). She is co-author of Mind Over Mood, Clinician's Guide to 11d Over Mood, Cognitive Therapy with Couples and Cognitive Therapy with Personality Disorders.
:GGY PAPP, ACSW, is senior training supervisor and Director of the Depression Project at the Ackerman Institute for Family erapy, New York City. She served on the board of Family Process and was a founder of the Women's Project in Family Therapy. . Papp is author of The Process of Change, and co-author of The Invisible Web: Gender Patterns in Family Relationships. She ted Couples on- the Fault Une: New Directions for Therapists. She also has written numerous articles and lectures internationally.
ANK PITTMAN lll, MD, is an internationally known psychiatrist and pioneer family thera·pist from Atlanta, Georgia. He is known his innovative work with families and couples in crises. For 18 years Dr. Pittman wrote a movie column in Family Therapy 'worker (now Psychotherapy Networker). His four books deal with family crises (Turning Points), infidelity (Private Ues), men and sculinity (Man Enough) and personal responsibility as the cornerstone of happiness (Grow Up!)
VID SCHARFF, MD, is Co-Director of the International Institute of Object Relations Therapy; Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences and at Georgetown University. He is Teaching Analyst at the Washington, :. Psychoanalytic Institute. Dr. Scharff has authored, co-authored and edited fifteen books.
US ABRAHMS SPRING, PhD, is a Clinical Supervisor in the Department of Psychology, Yale University. She is author of the onal bestseller After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. Dr. Spring is an expert ssues of trust, intimacy and forgiveness. She is in private practice in Westport, Connecticut.
·FREY K. ZEIG, PhD, is Founder and Director of the Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. He has edited, co-edited, authored or his < is the subject of 16 professional books and five monographs. Dr. Zeig is the architect of the Brief Therapy and Evolution of ::hotherapy Conferences. He is the organizer of the eight International Congresses on Erickson ian Approaches to Hypnosis and ::hotherapy. He is co-organizer of the Couples Conferences. Dr. Zeig conducts workshops internationally, primarily teaching l COME and MEET THIS DISTINGUISHED and FASCINATING FACULTY at an INFORMAL RECEPTION and AUTHORS' HOUR Saturday evening from 5:15 to 6:15 in the Imperia1/Marquis Foyers There also will be music and a cash bar LOVE & INTIMACY: THE COUPLES CONFERENCE FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2002 8:15-8:30 AM OPENING REMARKS Imperial CD Jeffrey K. Zeig, PhD and Ellyn Bader, PhD 8:30-9:30 AM KEYNOTE ADDRESS 1 Lust, Romantic Attraction. Attachment Imperial CD Helen Fisher, PhD This lecture discusses the brain circuitry of the three primary mating emotions; Just, attraction and attachment. It traces the evolution of these emotion systems and illustrates how their neural circuitry contributes to contemporary patterns of adultery, divorce, stalking behavior, clinical depression due to rejection in love and other issues in contemporary couples therapy. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe how data from biology, evolution and neuroscience explain human patterns of courtship and family life. 2) To name ways the three primary emotion systems contribute to intimacy, marriage and divorce. 9:45 AM-12:45 PM WORKSHOPS 1 - 4 Workshop 1 Imperial CD Exploring the Interaction Between Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment Helen Fisher, PhD This workshop explores the chemistry associated with lust, romantic attraction and attachment and how these emotion systems interact to produce marital harmony and marital discord. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe how it is possible to change brain chemistry with talking therapy. 2) To describe the chemistry associated with lust, romantic attraction and attachment. Workshop 2 Marquis 1 After the Affair: Trauma and Reconciliation Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD This works,hop will help hurt and unfaithful partners make sense of the avalanche of emotions released by the affair. It will teach partners to make thoughtful decisions about whether to recommit and take responsibility for how their early experiences shaped their ability to be intimate as an adult. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe how men and women respond differently to an affair, and how these differences can be used to promote healing. 2) To describe how infidelity can help partners face important truths about themselves. Workshop3 Imperial EF The Truth About Love: Transforming Research Into Clinical Impact Pat Love, EdD Current research has shed new light on the components of a happy, stable love relationship. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe a new approach for working with couples and their sexual issues. 2) To describe three practical exercises therapists can use in their practice. Workshop4 Imperial AB A Primer of Object Relations Couple Therapy David Scharff, MD This workshop teaches key concepts in object relations couple therapy, including the self as organized by relationships, projectile identification, the organization and use of transference and countertransference; then couples' sexual difficulties will be explored. The concepts are illustrated by video clips of couples assessment. There will be extensive audience participation throughout. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the use of transference and countertransference as the central guidance system in the conduct of couple therapy. 2) To describe the object relations treatment of sexual issues in couples. 12:45-2:00 PM LUNCH FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2002 2:00-5:00 PM WORKSHOPS 5 - 8 WorkshopS lmperiaiAB Making Divorce Work Constance Ahrons, PhD The focus of this workshop will be on a brief intervention model for working with binuclear families. Intervention strategies specifically tailored for use with complex divorced and remarried family systems will be identified and discussed. A videotape demonstration will be used to illustrate the concepts, allowing ample time for group discussion. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe three key dynamics of binuclear families. 2) To name the components of the brief intervention model. WorkshopS Imperial CD In Quest of the Mythical Mate: An Introduction to the Developmental Model of Couples Ellyn Bader, PhD Learn to assess where couples are arrested in their development. Then use this assessment to develop effective goals and make targeted interventions with hostile and emotionally distant couples. This will enable you to focus clearly while shifting the responsibility for change back to the couple. Educational Objectives: 1) To name five predictable stages of couples' development. 2) To describe the initiator-inquirer process. Workshop7 Marquis 1 After the Affair: Trust, Sexual Intimacy and Forgiveness Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD In this workshop concrete strategies are provided for rebuilding trust and sexual intimacy after an affair or other interpersonal violations. Why some partners forgive too easily, while others see forgiveness as impossible is addressed along with how these issues can be handled clinically. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe how partners can rebuild trust and sexual intimacy after an affair. 2) To describe how to help partners satisfy the essential conditions of genuine forgiveness. WorkshopS Imperial EF Experiential Methods for Treating Couples Jeffrey K. Zeig, PhD Couples change by virtue of the therapeutic experiences they have rather than the psychotherapy they are given. In this "playshop• we will learn experiential methods that can be applied to any couples therapy regardless of the orientation of the clinician. Educational Objectives: 1) Given a couples problem, devise an experiential solution. 2) List the rationale for using experiential methods. BOOKSTORE STORE HOURS in the MARQUIS 2 Friday 7:00AM - 5:30 PM Saturday 7:00 AM - 6:30 PM Snnday 8:00 AM - 3:00 PM TAPE DESK DESK HOURS in the IMPERIAL/MARQUIS FOYER Friday 8:30 AM - 6:00 PM Saturday 7:30 AM- 6:30 PM Snnday 8:00AM- 6:00 PM SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 2002 8:00 AM-12:00 PM LAWS & ETHICS TRACK -Part 1 Practicing Ethically in Today's World: Issues, Answers and Dilemmas Marquis 1 Mathilda Canter, PhD This workshop will outline the cultural and legal context within which psychologists and licensed counselors function professionally. It also will provide guidance regarding how to serve clients/patients well, while minimizing legal risks and practicing ethically. Issues covered will include legal requirements, informed consent, confidentiality/privilege, competence, abandonment, record keeping, responses to subpoenas, ethical decision making, and other areas of concern for those who work in organized systems of care as well as in private practice. This workshop will be largely interactive. Ethical dilemmas will be presented for discussion. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the process involved in making sound ethical decisions. 2) To name the requirements for ethical practice. 9:00 AM-12:00 N WORKSHOPS 9 - 11 Workshop 9 Imperial AB Couples at the Crossroads Constance Ahrens, PhD During the course of marital therapy, many couples come to a point where one or both want to consider divorce. Whether and how therapists decide to continue working with a couple often depends on their attitudes, values and knowledge about divorce. We will explore this therapeutic decision using an experiential exercise and group discussion. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe how personal values influence therapeutic decisions. 2) To describe three approaches for helping couples at crossroads. Workshop 10 Imperial CD Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy Frank Pittman Ill, MD Infidelity is the sine qua non of divorce. It can occur in good marriages or bad. Infidelity is best seen not as an inevitable outcome of marital imperfection but as an individual character flaw, fueled -by such forces as romantic sensibility, excitement at rule breaking, gender fear or anger, or distrust of marriage and equality. Crises of infidelity can be treated successfully and a stronger, more honest, more intimate marriage can result. Educational Objectives: 1) To define the causes of infidelity. 2) To describe the therapist's role in resolving infidelity. Workshop 11 Imperial EF Chaos, Transference Geography and Trauma David Scharff, MD This workshop outlines basic tenets of non-random chaos theory - - a new paradigm for therapy -- including strange attractors, fractal scaling and self organizing systems. Dr. Scharff will apply chaos theory to the transference geography of couples, and illustrate this in the treatment of a traumatized couple with sexual difficulty Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the basic concepts of chaos theory and of transference geography. 2) Given a traumatized couple, apply the concepts of chaos theory and transference geography to their treatment. 12:00 N-1 :30 PM LUNCH 1 :30-3:30 PM LAWS & ETHICS WORKSHOP - Part 2 Practicing Ethically in Today's World: Issues, Answers and Dilemmas Marquis 1 Mathilda Canter, PhD See Laws & Ethics Workshop Part 1 for the description and educational objectives for Laws & Ethics Workshop Part 2 SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 2002 1:30-2:30 PM PANELS & CONVERSATION HOUR Panel Educational Objective: To compare and contrast clinical and philosophical perspectives of experts. Panel1 lmperiaiCD Anatomy and Physiology of Love - Fisher, Love, Scharff Panel2 Imperial AB Affairs - Ahrons, Pittman, Love, Spring Conversation Hour Educational Objective: To learn the philosophies of various practitioners and theorists. Conversation Hour 1 Imperial EF Ellyn Bader, PhD 2:45-3:45 PM PANELS & CONVERSATION HOUR Panel3 Imperial CD Therapist Beliefs- Padesky, Pittman, Scharff Pane14 Imperial AB Chore Wars or Clutter, Clutter- Who Controls the Clutter? - Bader, Love, Zeig Conversation Hour 2 Imperial EF Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD 4:00-5:00 PM KEYNOTE ADDRESS 2 Love in the Time of Prozac and Cyberspace Imperial CD Peggy Papp, ACSW Couple therapy is no longer simply a matter of helping couples adjust to the different stages of the life cycle; the life cycle has changed. Advances in reproductive technology, the rise of electronic communication, increasing time pressures, transformation of gender roles and the increase of same sex and cross-cultural partnerships are reshaping relationships today. This address will relate to the challenges posed by these changes for both couples and therapists. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the impact of four revolutionary life style changes on the lives of couples. 2) To name four ways of helping couples cope with these changes. :15-8:15 PM RECEPTION & AUTHORS' HOUR Enjoy meeting the presenters* and your colleagues SATURDAY eveningatS:IS in the IMPERIAL & MARQUIS FOYERS There will be a cash bar and music *Presenters will be happy to sign their books which you have purchased or brought from home SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 2002 8:30-9:30 AM KEYNOTE ADDRESS 3 Couples in Crises; Couples in Treatment Imperial CD Frank Pittman Ill, MD When married people go to therapy, whether they go as individuals or as a couple, they put their marriage in the hands of a therapist whose attitude toward marriage, toward men and women, toward conflict and equality, toward violence and betrayal, will strongly impact how the therapy goes and where it will end. Marriage therapy is safer than individual therapy, but it is still a dangerous operation. A therapist who is neutral about matters of marriage and divorce is like a surgeon who is neutral about matters of life and death. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the power of the therapist to wreck marriage and the impossibility of neutrality toward marriage. 2) To describe what therapists can do that will make marriage work and increase the chances it will survive the therapy. 9:45 AM-12:45 PM WORKSHOPS 12-15 Workshop 12 Imperial CD Men and Marriage Frank Pittman Ill, MD The female-dominated gender training of boys does not prepare them well for adult equality with a woman. Boys raised by women may be trained to follow the rules, compete with the other boys, and seduce women to take care of them. But without much fathering, boys are always masculine impersonators, likely to overdo it. Teaching men marriage requires tolerance and compassion from wives and from therapists. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe how the socialization of men effects their efforts and attitudes toward marriage. 2) To describe what therapists can do to train men for commitment in marriage. Workshop 13 Marquis 1 What Ues Beneath: Cognitive Therapy for Couples in Conflict Christine Padesky, PhD How does love turn into hate? Discover how cognitive therapy makes sense of the dramatic twists and turns of relationship emotions. A nine-stage treatment model is illustrated with video and oral case examples. Participant exercises teach how to unravel pain and anger to reach what lies beneath. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe what beliefs and emotions fuel anger in intimate relationships. 2) Using cognitive therapy methods identify and test the central themes that maintain relationship stress. Workshop 14 Imperial AB Is It Symbiosis or Is It Intimacy? Ellyn Bader, PhD Individuals with borderline and narcissistic issues frequently demand intimacy. However, they cannot create the conditions for intimacy to occur or be sustained. Through video and clinical transcripts, Dr. Bader will demonstrate how to help these partners stop demanding and start developing the capacity to sustain intimate moments. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe an approach to manage borderline and narcissistic partners. 2) To describe the initiator-inquirer process. Workshop 15 Imperial EF Changing Belief Systems in Couples Therapy Peggy Papp, ACSW This workshop will present a framework for working with couples based on understanding underlying belief systems and the way in which these form themes that dominate the couple's lives and relationships. If the therapist can decipher these underlying beliefs and themes, they can be used as a code for addressing multiple levels of experience and changing pivotal relationships in a short period of time. Couples then are free to use their own resources and imagination to find creative solutions. These concepts will be illustrated with videotaped excerpts of treatment sessions. Educational Objectives: 1) To name three underlying beliefs or themes that prevent change. 2) To describe how to change beliefs and themes that are constraining into those that are more enriching. 12:45-2:00 PM LUNCH SU.NDAY, APRIL 21, 2002 2:00-5:00 PM WORKSHOPS 18-19 Workshop 18 Marquls1 Ericksonian Methods to Empower Couples Jeffrey Zeig, PhD Ericksonian methods of psychotherapy and hypnosis can be applied to the treatment of couples. Techniques include tailoring, gift wrapping, anecdotes, metaphors and indirect suggestion. Videotapes and case examples will be used to help attendees master principles of assessment and treatment. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe elements of the process of Erickson ian therapy as applied to couples. 2) To name the facets of the Ericksonian Diamond. Workshop 17 Imperial CD Sexual Savvy in the Therapy Room Pat Love, EdD Despite individual differences, each individual and couple will eventually face a common set of difficulties. Come explore the realm of sex and intimacy and gain refreshing insight about this age-old issue. Lecture, videos, handouts and experiential exercises will be used. Educational Objectives: 1) To name three common sexual problems in relationships. 2) To describe three new techniques for addressing sexual difficulties. Workshop 18 Imperial AB When You Wish Upon a Star: Constructive and Deconstructive Language in Couples Therapy Christine Padesky, PhD At each moment in therapy, we can choose to help couples deconstruct their problems or to construct new possibilities. Experience how goals and therapy processes evolve differently depending on our focus. While each approach has benefits, explore the added advantages of using constructive language with war weary couples. Educational Objectives: 1) To name three differences between constructive and deconstructive language. 2) To describe two ways to engage war weary couples in creative solutions to their problems. Workshop 19 Imperial EF Couples Therapy for Depression: His or Her Depression Peggy Papp, ACSW Numerous studies point to a clear connection between marriage, gender and depression. The most stressful life event that precipitates depression is marital conflict and marital conflict is the single most predictable indicator of relapse. Marriage often serves as a protective function for men, but not for women in terms of depression. This workshop will present a multidimensional treatment approach that highlights gender differences as well as biological and interpersonal factors. Videotaped excerpts will demonstrate these concepts. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe three different ways men and women cope with depression. 2) To describe the connection between marriage, gender and depression. 5:15-5:30 PM CLOSING REMARKS Imperial CD 5:00-6:00 PM CONTINUING EDUCATION VALIDATION* Imperial/Marquis Foyer *Validation of Continuing Education forms will be held throughout the Conference and ends at 6:00 PM Sunday. After attending ALL sessions for which they are requesting continuing education credits, attendees may submit the completed evaluation forms to the Erickson Foundation CE Validation Desk. Attendees will receive a Certificate of Attendance showing the total number of CE credit hours they have earned. FULL ATTENDANCE AT EACH SESSION IS REQUIRED TO RECEIVE CE CREDIT WORKSHOP HANDOUTS CONSTANCE AHRONS, PhD WORKSHOP HANDOUTS ELLYN BADER, PhD COUPLES QUESTIONNAIRE What is the problem that led you to decide to come to therapy? How long have you and your partner been together? In what form? (i.e., dating, living together, married) What initially attracted you to your partner? How was the decision to live together or marry made? What was the very beginning of your relationship like? How long did this phase last? What was your first disillusionment? What happened and how did you resolve it? Did this lead to any changes in your relationship? When did you first become aware of significant differences between the two of you? How are the two of you similar? How are you different? What do you do when there is conflict between the two of you? What does your partner do? What do you do when you are angry? What does your partner do when angry? What strengths do you have that support resolving differences? What strengths does your partner have? Do you spend time alone? Do you enjoy your free time? Does planning how to spend it create anxiety for you? Do you have separate friendships with people who are not mutual friends? Does this create conflict in your relationship? Are you comfortable doing activities away from your partner? What do you like to do? How comfortable are you with your partner spending time away from you? On a scale of 1 to 10, how open are you in expressing your innermost wants, thoughts, desires and feelings to your partner? (1 is totally closed and 10 is totally open) ____ When you feel like you want support or encouragement from your partner, do you get it? How? When your partner wants support or encouragement from you, do you feel that you give it? How? Do you support your partner's development as an individual? How (give example)? Do you support his/her growth as an individual even when you don't agree? How (give example)? Describe your sexual relationship. What do you find most satisfying about it? What do you find least satisfying about it? How has your sexual relationship changed since you were first together? What is one thing that you wish were different about your sexual relationship? When do you feel most gratified in your relationship? When do you feel most frustrated in your relationship? Do the two of you have joint commitments to goals, projects, work, or social causes? Does this add or detract from the bond between you? If your relationship was a movie, drama or book, what would it be titled? How would it end? Copyright 1999: The Couples Institute 445 Burgess Drive Menlo Park, CA 94025 (650) 327-5915 Two STILES COUPLES USE To MAlNTArN SYMBIOSIS r- Each individual''i" makes sacrifices to preserve the primacy of the "we". Self-sacrifice is These relationships can appear "rosy" & look ideal. idealized. Pursuing individual desires, Often, partners experience passionless lives and lack a is seen as being at the expense of the couple deeper degree of intimacy. High incidence of sexual disinterest and boredom. Boundaries are very permeable. Few skills in limit setting. The 11 i" is dominated by fear of abandonment & high need for validation from the partner. Self lacks definition, i.e., little or no definite Verbal and non-verbal expression of feelings, desires, thoughts communication is often vague, beliefs or values. SeH-activation is inhibited. general and unclear Few, if any, personal goals. in order to mask differences. #1. THE CONFLICT AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIP Conflict avoidance may present itself along a broad contin Suggestions For Therapists: uum from occasional appearances to an extremely fused, and Two basic types: Happy-go-lucky and tension-riddled. enmeshed couple. Strong messages in the media, and in the Education: Discuss conflict/avoidance as .an attempt to world of pop songs often reinforce and idealize symbiosis. :preserve intimacy by eliminating differences. This may present obstacles to recognizing the problems that Confront: Couples process & link to presenting problem. come from avoiding conflict. Often in our culture, sacrifice Practice: Start with small issue. Use the i-to·i allowing each and selflessness are idealized, and we are strongly admon to experience and tolerate anxiety. Actively help with self ished a$ainst selfish ways. soothing skills; hold focus on the issue; clarify feelings - Variation: One partner asserts primacy of their needs - contrast, compare and explore. Emphasize self-focus: the other willingly accommodates & has low self-definition. Identify individual goals & use Init./Inq. Next Steps sheets. 10EIIyn Bader Ph .D., & Peter Pearson Ph .D., Couples Institute, 445 Burgess Drive, Menlo Park, CA 94025. Tel. (650) 327-5915. Concept/Design: Peter M. Krohn, MIT Partners have low capacity to treat each other as separate, autonomous beings. Understanding, interest and empathy for the other are believed to be counter productive to achieving emotional security in the relationship. Can be fiery, aggressive no holds barred interactions. No issue is too small to become a source of dispute or argument as to who is right. A limited range of angry feelings are expressed intensely and strongly. Little or no understanding of each. other occurs. One, or both attempt to manage, control and dominate the other. This is done in an attempt to eliminate differences and the Boundaries are rigidly guarded and perceived threat that differentiation represents. extremely sensitive to perceived intrusion. Individuals are highly reactive. #2. THE ANGRY ESCALATING RELATIONSHIP The first priority in an angry/escalating relationship is to Suggestions For Therapists: stop the destructive aggression and the escalating cycle Intervene to stop angry/escalating interaction A.S.A.P. of blaming and defenstveness. Anger can become con Teach anger management. Take a break, or time-out verted to non-destructive, non-demanding assertion. declare it. Discuss how to reengage at a later time. It then has an opportunity of being heard as self #1 Job- for each partner is to calm themselves down. definition -- a clear statement of the feelings, thoughts, Education: encourage thinking capactty; see partner as a values of the Initiator. Many couples believe that inti separate person -getting to know them, is antidote to macy and closeness are threatened if they don't think, taking things personally; not being in agreement is not a feel, and act as one-as a single 11 We". However, when threat to intimacy. Explore potential for more empa~ partners demand agreement and sameness the options Practice: When ready to talk, slow process down, follow for the relationship are very limited and the end result, i-to-i guidelines, decide who Initiates, and who Inquires. rather than creating intimacy has the opposite effect; it Actively help couple to stick to roles- ends up as a constant struggle for domination & submis Promote positivity: Encourage develo:ping consistent sion. This volatile style of relating will prove to be highly carin~ behaviors; identify & plan cooperative projects*. destructive unless it merely represents a very small part Predtct escalation: Develop plan -- behavioral limits of an otherwise warm and loving relationship. self-talk - cognitive ideas to soothe self when tense. *For more information sec. In Ouest O(The Mwhica/.\fate, Lllyn Bader. Ph.D .. ar.J Peter Pearson Ph.D .. Brunncr/Ma~:d. Inc .. New York. NY «:>Ellyn Bader Ph.D.. & Peter Pearson Ph.D .. Couples Institute. 445 Burgess Dri\c. Menlo Park.. CJ\ 94025. Tel. (650) j27-5915. Concept/Design: Peter M. Krohn. MFI The Borderline Continuum In Couples Therapy Overview: Early secure attachment has failed- they look to relationship to meet this need but do it indirectly and as a result run into each others defenses. Characteristics Relationshi_p Features Couples Therapy Issues Attachment is maintained at expense of Do not have libidinal object constancy self-development Couples therapy can be very powerful when it actively addresses the issues aescribed above: Self is not coherent Use affect, helplessness, and regression to try and Separation Anxiety - Often high maintain control in the couples relationship Borderline must know you are on their side - have problems being alone Use splitting - black/white thinking Expect the "WE" to dominate Get permission to give feedback Can't manage ambiguity - can't love and hate Will have excessive dependency on partner Early on change fear of abandonment to: same person "You foe/ alone and scared and aren't sure you 'II Often will dominate the relationship with Are de~ndent on validation :from other to maintain cope... , equilibrium regression or helplessness Be explicit about partner's contribution Are self critical Dread loss of other and may perceive it even when it Are other-directed isn't happening Define boundaries Have boundary confusion Undermine own autonomy Don't believe that their own differentiation will lead Strengthen boundaries - Hold other as a se}?arate to positive responses from the partner. self -and maintain own boundaries when other is Are emotionally unpredictable distressed Efforts at building self/asserting self are met with internal criticism - this serves to maintain symbiotic Be self activating in the room - Be able to structure of relationship and to inhibit the express self fully to partner while managing own differentiation that woUld lead to healthy movement anxiety about abandonment or engulfment for both the individual and the couple. What to Confront: Balance always between confrontation &support confrontation of the regression and helplessness Support for self-differentiation and for staying effectively separate from the partner Teach partner how to confront using adult ego state Summary of Borderline: 11 /f I am me, (grown-up and self-activated), I'll be abandoned... / want to be loved so badly that I'll give up me to be loved by you ... then I'll be angry that you won't meet my cfependency needs." eEI/yn Bader Ph.D., & PetM Pearson Ph.D., 445 Butgess Olive, Menlo Patk, CA 94025. Tel (650) 327·5915 The Narcissistic Continuum In Couples Therapy Overview: The narcissist expects to be adored and seen as perfect without having to give much in return. They do not want to be challenged and instead desire to be admired. Often want to be loved unconditionally (feel entitled) or to be the one and only. Characteristics Relationship Features Couples Therapy Issues Preoccupied with status, prestige, ~wer, Wants to be adored without doing much Couples therapy can be vecy powerful when they ad~uacy, money thrive on power, in context have the motivation to maintain the relationship. of fragile self-esteem Will put major emphasis into career to protect self esteem Address the insecurity, low self-esteem, inability Self and self-esteem are looked for in the to soothe-self and the resulting inability to give. other Will give little to partner Easily sees partner as disapproving In therapy, narcissist may not want to be there Need constant attention & mirroring and keep distant from therapist, resist insight, and be perfect stroking - use others to prop up self Feels rejected easily indignant about having problems. wm often and become outraged when not understood attempt to outwit therapist and stay dominant. Can go on for long periods of time in symbiotic Feels entitled to unconditional love "I deserve relationship and tfiis may only break down when Therapist precipitates ~ c_risis and then holds and it" adoration is not available. contains through the cnSis Being irresponsible __i~ justified by Relationship failures show up when empathy is You must be prepared for their anger - when you ratiotializations, indifference and a sense of r~uired Problem in couple often becomes evident confront Don' let it stop you - special status for self wlien life circumstance or therapy requires individual to function autonomously or empathiCally towards BUT: Don't enter into control struggles Lack empathy - unable to experience how partner. others feel Confrontations are often about their internal Lack of genuine committed attachment enables this process and pain - What they do to themselves Like to be in control partner to rapidly change partners to another symbiotic relationship rather than face world alone. Help partner talk their feelings and reactions Will respond to criticism with shame or humiliation - and often attack back Indirect confrontation comes from ~eras partner asks for more from the Narcissist Individuation may be over-emphasized Describe inability to manage differences because Relationships are to be used not enjoyed they are often feft as narcissistic injury (leading to despair) Label inability to have empathy Summary of Narcissist: II I don't need anyone (I'm great, special etc.) but I need you to tell me (show me) I'm okay, but I won't let on how important you are to me". eEI/yn Bader Ph.D., & Pell!f PeatSon Ph.D., 445 Burgess Drive, Mmo Park, CA 94025. Tel (650) 327-5915 Personality Type INITIATOR INQUIRER BORDERLINE * Demands fusion and support *Over-personalizes .. can't for regression stay separate from partner * Initiates often with * Splitting makes them see regressive feelings and feels partner as all bad - thus it is partner's obligation to have trouble as inquirer be "controlled" by these hearing new data that might feelings rather than asking bel p integrate the split for help out of the * Uses lots of projection- regression gets out of present quickly * Pulls for symbiotic solutions * Experiences partner's· to problems differentiation as abandon- * Wants unconditional love ment - thus has trouble and acceptance I istening or supporting the differentiation in the partner NARCISSIST * Doesn't like to initiate * Lacks empathy - gives very * Often won't initiate little * Wants to be in control * Will attack when partner is *Won't expose dependency critical feelings - or will do it in * When they see angry, blaming way differentiation in the *Won't ask for help partner, it is often felt as a narcissistic injury leading to feelings of despair PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE * Does not initiate - is usually * Easily feels controlled reactive * Will frequently respond two * Will initiate what they don't degrees off center want rather than what they * Angry at partner if partner do want initiates wants directly * Desire of what they do want * Doesn't want to be empathic is too painful to partner's distress * Often felt cornered often as a child - now experiences this process as dangerous - another attempt to "get" them while asking them to be a willing participant The Couples Institute 445 Burgess Dr., Menlo Park, CA 94025 (650) 327-5915, Fax: (650) 327-0738 ....._ One Partner Feels the Jill""" The Desire is Not Realized Desire for Contact 1. Expresses the desire directly 1 2. Expresses the desire vaguely or incongruently 3. Expresses the desire in fantasy only Partner feels hurt, sad or lonely ~ Annoyance, anger or pain ~ Fixation and/or regression ~ Archaic, ineffective coping mechanisms used Therapist Interventions 1. Identify Contact Disruptions. 2. Intervene/Stop Ineffective Defensive Pattern. 3. Identify the desired contact (Listening, Touching, Problem Solving, Empathy, Self Exposure, Sex, Play, Passion.) 4. Use Initiation to expose desired contact/ Use Inquirer to tolerate regression in partner, to manage self, maintain boundaries. THE COUPLES INSTITUTE 445 BURGESS DR #150, MENLO P~ CA 94025 650/327-5915 [email protected] April, 2002 Dear Colleague: If you have worked with many couples in your career, you know what a daunting task it is to be effective with raging, disengaged, or passive couples. It seems the only thing they want from you is a miracle. What you want from them is to finally take some action on the insights so carefully crafted in your office. Since 1984, we have focused on helping couples tum stumbling blocks into stepping stones, and go from chaos to collaboration. Maintaining our own sanity was also critical. We developed an innovative, practical model illustrating how couples go through normal developmental stages. But we left out a crucial piece of the puzzle. Elegant theory melts into nothingness when raging couples begin their reactive assaults on each other. At that point your personal and professional resiliency is more important than any treatment plan. The individual character of the therapist is a vital part of the change equation for troubled couples. Much of our new training now includes this essential component. We are confident enough to believe that our focused and specialized knowledge can help other therapists. We are also humble enough to know there is no single approach to manage the complexity of interdependent lives and fantasy expectations. We offer workshops, consultation groups and products to support your endeavors to become more effective as a couples therapist. We look forward to participating in your professional evolution. Regards, ~ 6.~ ~--ier- ~~ Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D. Improve Your Skills and Confidence with Couples Upcoming Training Workshops May 31, 2002, Oakland July 19, 2002, Sacramento November 15, 2002, San Diego Clinical Consultation Groups Consultation groups provide rich opportunities to learn the Bader/Pearson Developmental Model in an integrated way, utilizing your own cases as well as those of Drs. Bader and Pearson. Groups begin in September and meet at The Couples Institute in Menlo Park. Some groups meet monthly; others meet less frequently to accommodate participants from out of the area. Fees range from $85 for two-hour groups to $225 for all day. Training Opportunities at Couples Workshops Pete conducts weekend couples workshops that are an artful blend of theory, demonstrations, and practicing new skills. Participating therapists are trained before the couples arrive, then learn and practice as they guide couples throughout the weekend. The next workshops are May 18-19 and October 5-6, 2002, in Palo Alto, California. Products We sell books, audio tapes, video tapes, and handouts to enhance your practice. For details, please contact us. Indicate which products and services you'd like information about. The Couples Institute 445 Burgess Drive # 150 Menlo Park, CA 94025 650/327-5915 or toll free 877/327-5915 [email protected] WORKSHOP HANDOUTS PAT LOVE, EdD Relationship Happiness Survey According to research, which of the following statements are predictors of relationship happiness and stability? Place a checkmark ( ~) by the statements you believe are predictors. _1. Resolving problems. _2. Heeding one another's advice. _3. Equality between spouses. _4. Money. _s. Good sex life. Couple having good friends. -'·_7. Love. _8. Being good friends. _9. Having children. _10. Making the relationship a priority. _11. Avoiding conflict. _12. Disagreeing. According to research, which of the following are predictors of relationship unhagpiness and dissolution? _1. Arguing. _2. Criticism. _3. One partner sacrificing for the other. _4. Emotional and verbal withdrawal. _s. Ignoring problems. _6. Female harshness. _7. Differences in sexual desire. _8. Contempt. _9. Lack of talking. _10. Unilateral decision-making. _11. The passage of time. _12. Depression. Pat Love, Ed.D. 6705 Hwy 290 W., Ste 502, PMB 291, Austin, TX 78735, 512-891-0610 Women's Personal Growth Retreat w/ Pat and Suzanne Schmidt in Santa Fe, Dec 6,7,8 2002 Role Preferences The following statements pertain to your preferences for relationship roles. Simply answer true (T) or false (F). _1_ In relationship, I prefer the male to be the primary wage earner with the female in the supportive role. _2_ I would prefer to have the female at home full or part time. _ 3_ Where we live should be convenient to the man's job. _4_ I prefer the female to be primarily responsible for making our home clean, comfortable, and attractive. _5_ I prefer the female be primarily in charge of entertaining at home. _6_ I prefer for the woman to be primarily responsible for keeping the family running smoothly. _7_ I prefer for the female to be the primary wage earner. _8_ I would prefer for the man to stay home full or part time and take care of the home. _9_ Where we live should be convenient to the woman's job. _ 10_ I prefer for the man to be primarily responsible for making our home clean, comfortable, and attractive. _11_ I prefer for the man to be primarily in charge of entertaining at home. _12_ I prefer for the man to be primarily responsible for keeping the family running smoothly. _13_ I prefer both partners to work outside the home and it doesn't matter who makes the most money. _14_ I prefer household duties to be shared equally. _15_ If money allowed, it would be fine if either of us quit work to pursue other interests. _16_ The two of us should be able to change roles at any time. _17_ I am comfortable being the wage earner, or homemaker. _18_ I prefer for our relationship to be non-traditional. Total number of True answers in items #1-#6 (Traditional) Number of True answers in #7 -#12 (Reverse-traditional) Number of True answers in #13-#18 (Neo-traditional) ©Pat Love,Ed.D.,512-891-0610, Fax 512-891-0612, www .patlove.com Women's Personal Growth Retreat w/Pat & Suzanne Schmidt, Dec 6,7,8, 2002 Role Preferences 2* The following statements pertain to your preferences for relationship roles. Simply answer true (T) or false (F). _1_ In relationship, I prefer for my partner to be the primary wage earner with me in a supportive role. _2_ I would prefer to stay at home full or part time. _3_ Where we live should be convenient to my partner's job. _4_ I prefer to be primarily responsible for making our home clean, comfortable, and attractive. _s_ I prefer to be primarily in charge of entertaining at home. _ 6_ I prefer to be primarily responsible for keeping our family life running smoothly. I prefer for me to be the primary wage earner. -'_8_ I prefer for my partner to stay home full or part time and take care of our home. _9_ Where we live should be convenient to my job. _10_ I prefer for my partner to be primarily responsible for making our home clean, comfortable, and attractive. _11_ I prefer for my partner to be primarily in charge of entertaining at home. _12_ I prefer for my partner to be primarily responsible for keeping our family running smoothly. _13_ I prefer both of us to work outside the home and it doesn't matter who makes the most money. _14_ I prefer household duties to be shared equally. _1S_ If money allowed, it would be fme if either of us quit work to pursue other interests. _16_ The two of us should be able to change roles at any time. _ 17_ I am comfortable being the wage earner, or homemaker. _18_ I prefer for our relationship to be non-traditional. Total number of True answers in items #1-#6_(partner breadwinner) Number of True answers in #7-#12_(me as breadwinner) Number of True answers in #13-#18 (Neo-traditional) ©Pat Love,Ed.D.,S12-891-0610, Fax 512-891..()612, www .patlove.com Women's Personal Growth Retreat w/Pat & Suzanne Schmidt, Santa Fe Dec 6,7,8, 2002 Relationship Reading Rank the following items in terms of how important they are to you in relationship. Rank them on a scale from 0 to S, with 0 being ''not important," to 5 being ''most important." Not Neutral Somewhat Important Very Most important important important important 0 1 2 3 4 s _1_ Physical atTection. _2_ Sexual touching. _3_ Having sex. _4_ Being excited about sex. _ s_ Pleasing one another sexually. _6_ Keeping romance alive with gifts, cards, gestures. _7_ Having fun with my partner. _8_ Getting along well on a regular basis. _9_ Being able to share my fee6ngs with my partner. _10_ Being able to talk openly with my partner. _11_ Having my partner support me. _12_ Putting effort and energy into the relationship. _13_ Trusting my partner to be faithful. _14_ Having my partner be honest with me. _1S_ Partner providing financial support. _16_ Permanentconrumdbnent. _17_ Spending time as a couple with friends. _18_ Spending time as a couple with family. Circle your total scores for items 1-6, 7-12, and 13-18 below. Chemistry (#1-#6) Compatibility (#7-#12)Commitment (#13-#18) 26-30 26-30 26-30 21-25 21-25 21-25 16-20 16-20 16-20 11-15 11-15 11-15 ~w ~ro ~ro 0-5 0-5 0-5 There are two blanks beside each number, one blank is for your score, the other bland is for your partner's score. These scores are for discussion only. It is common for you and your partner to have differences. How you manage the differences will determine the nature of your relationship ©Pat Love, Ed.D., 512-891-0610, Fax 512-891-0612, www.patlove.com Women's Personal Growth Retreat, w/Pat & Suzanne Schmidt Santa Fe, Dec 6, 7, 8 2002 My Imago Thinking as a young child (from birth to age 18), list at least three outstanding negative characteristics of the people who raised you (e.g. angry, withholding, depressed, critical, busy, tired, not there, preoccupied, anxious, rigid) A. Now, list three of their positive characteristics (e.g. loving, affectionate, supportive, always there, nurturing, funny, smart, creative, financially secure) B. Thinking back to your chlldhood again, recall what you wanted and needed the most as a child, i.e. your heart's desire (e.g. love, to be seen, to be a normal family, to get the attention others got, to be hugged more, to have a happy home, to be valued, to be praised) c. Now, recall the happiest memories of childhood. These can be with your family, with friends, in school, etc. Then list how you felt during these happy times (e.g. happy, loved, valued, competent, confident, excited, secure, calm) D. Finally, think back on the frustrations of childhood, not just with your family, with anyone- and write down what your response to the frustrations was, i.e. what you did when you were frustrated (e.g. getting angry, withdrawing, trying harder, keeping to myself, giving up, blaming myself, blaming others, fighting, taking care of myself, pouting) E. This is my Imago, my image of love and relationship. Adapted from the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKeUy Hunt by Pat Love Attachment Style Survey Answer true (T) or false (F). _1. I show love clearly and regularly to the people I care for. _2. I openly accept the love and care of others. _3. I ask for help freely and often. _4. I have at least three people I trust and confide in regularly. _S. I feel calm and secure on a daily basis. _6. I am known for my patience and tolerance. _7. People see me as available for intimacy. _8. I am open with my feelings. _9. My lifestyle shows that relationships are a priority. _10. I initiate and maintain contact with people in my life. _11. I generally take care of others better than myself. _12. I need a lot of contact time with my close relationships. _13. I get anxious when separated from the people I love. _14. I am the one who initiates most contact in relationships. _15. I sometimes come across as critical or pushy. _16. People see me as impatient. _17. I can be demanding in relationships. _18. I have had several relationship disappointments. _19. I can be pretty intense in relationships. _20. Much of my thinking involves close relationships. _21. I often lose myself in work or projects. _22. I tend to be quiet or uncomfortable in social situations. _23. I am generally a private person. _24. I tend to be quite self-sufficient. _25. I get uncomfortable with extended periods of closeness. _ -26. I think too much is made of relationships and closeness. _27. My partner has complained about my distancing behaviors. _28. People sometimes see me as overinvolved in work. _29. At times I consciously avoid contact with others. _30. I can be withdrawn in relationships. Pat Love, Ed.D. PMB 291,6705 Hwy 290 W., Ste 502, Austin, TX, 512-891-0610 Women's Personal Growth Retreat w/Pat & Suzanne Schmidt, Santa Fe Dec. 6,7,8, 2002 Short Sexual Survey Simply answer true or false. _1_ I feel very connected to my partner. _2_ Our relationship is generally free of resentment. _3_ My partner and I are emotionally close. _4_ Our relationship is exciting to me. _5_ I am sensitive to my partner's emotional needs. _6_ I know how to please my partner. I am known for my patience with sex and intimacy. -'_8_ I am comfortable with my sexual desire level. _9_ I am comfortable with my lovemaking techniques. _10_ I clearly communicate my intimacy needs. _11_ I have a positive body image. _12_ I use romantic gestures to express love. _13_ I initiate intimate conversations with my partner. _14_ I am fun to live with. _15_ I have made personal changes to improve our love. _16_ I would like to be a better sex partner. _17_ I am very helpful around the house. _18_ I am sensitive to my partner's sexual needs. _19_ I am patient with .my partner. _ 20_ I would like us to learn more about sex. _21_ My partner would say I am very committed. _22_ I put time and energy into our relationship. _23_ My partner would say I am an exciting sex partner. _24_ I listen to my partner. _25_ I handle difficult issues well. --Total number of true answers. Pat Love, Ed. D., 512-891-061 o.. ,fax 512-891-0612, www .patlove.com Women's Personal Growth Retreat w/Pat & Sumnne Schmidt, Santa Fe Dec 6,7,8, 2002 Hot Monogamy Concepts 1. Relationship is a physiological process, as well as emotional, social and psychological. 2. We all need connection and contact from other humans. 3. Infants need contact to survive; adults need contact to thrive. 4. Survival, health as well as overall success increase with love and contact. 5. Humans need intimate contact to give coherence to neurodevelopment. 6. The formula for passion is two sexual being joined by intimacy. Passion and loving implies a knowing of the other. 7. Hot monogamy involves sharing thoughts and feelings as well as your body. 8. There are two pathways to arousal-your body and your brain. 9. Some people have a body chemistry that keeps the body ready for sex. 10. Some people have to use their brain to convince the body to be sexual. 11. Hot Monogamy is based upon the concept of intentionality -or using your mind to create the love and relationship you want. 12. Love is a response to getting your needs met. To be a lover, find out what says, "I love you" to your partner and give it as a gift. And negotiate for your own needs. 13. We stay in love by loving and being loved. 14. The Hot Monogamy approach recognizes the need for contact time. Quality time occurs within quantity time. 15. Many sexual difficulties occur around transitions, i.e. when one or both individuals need a different type of stimulation to become aroused and interested. 16. Intimacy (personal sharing, revealing, giving information) is not only the prelude to sexuality, but the prerequisite to sexual arousal for about half the population. 17. Differences are normal in relationships-and required to keep passion alive. 18. There are exceptions to every one of these concepts. Pat Love, Ed.D. 512-891-0610, [email protected], www.patlove.com Women's Personal Growth Retreat w/Pat & Suzanne Schmidt, Santa Fe, Dec 6,7,8, 2002 WORKSHOP HANDOUTS PEGGY PAPP, ACSW GENDER QJ.JESTIONNAIRE FOR COUP~ Peggy Papp. jeffrey Seibel, Gloria Klein, Paul Feinberg We believe that gender beliefs and expectations have a profound effect on our lives and relationships. The ideas that we learned from our culture, families and peer group concerning male/female roles influence our expectations of ourselves and others. This is especially true ln couples' relationships where one's image of oneself as a woman or man is brought Into sharp focus and where gender roles and expectations are acted out on a daily basis. Yet most of us are unaware of the ways ln which these beliefs and expectadons govern our Uves and relationships. The following questionnaire was developed in the hope of raising your awareness of the ways in which your own gender beliefs, expectations and myths concerning masculinity and femininity are effecting your relationship with your panner. Hopefully the questionnaire Will provide a spring board for recognizing and changing those beliefs that constrain your life and relationships and strengthening those that enrich them. 1 .. As you were growing up what were the ideal qualities that you learned a man and a woman should each possess7 2. Give examples of where these ideas came from i.e. your family, friends, books, movies, television. etc. 3. To what extent have you found these expectations to hamper your life and relationships? 4. To what extent have you found these expectations ro enrich your life and relationships? Please give examples of both. 5. What is most problematic for you abour being a man or woman in roday's world? 6. What do you enjoy most about being a man or woman in today's world? 7.What do you think your partner finds most difficult about being a woman or man in today's world7 8. What ideas about masculinity and femininity would you like to pass on to your children7 9. In what ways, if any, have you found these questions helpful? 10. What other questions do you think would be helpful in developing an awareness of the effect of your gender beliefs and expectations on your life and relationships7 BELIEF SYSTEM AND THEME EXERCISES PEGGY PAPP & EVAN IMBER·BLACK Think of a current case 1. What are some of the beliefs or attitudes held by family members that affect the presenting problem? (Listen for attitudinal statements, self descriptions and descriptions of other family members that repeat themselves. Pick up on metaphorical language that symbolizes Important family characteristics.) 2. What is the daily interactional pattern that takes pface around the beliefs? (When do beliefs conflict: complement one another or Join to form a shared belief that constrains the family?) 3. What is the central theme that emerges from this pattern? (It Ia helpful to imagine what the theme would be if this case were a short story or play.) 4. Recast Into a slogan or motto. 5. Observe how the theme Ia carried out in other context- work, schoot, social life, extended family. 6. Look for repetition of theme lntergeneratlonally. 7. Design a set of questions and/or Interventions that would challenge the belief or alter the theme. 8. Criteria for theme, ask yourself: Is the theme relevant to the present;ng problem? Does the theme provide useful intervention possibilities? Does it capture the imagination of the family and therapist? Is It co-evolved? Not imposed but draws on family's own resources and creativity? Does it provide a direction for change? Ia it non-blaming? WORKSHOP HANDOUTS CHRISTINE PADESKY, PhD WHAT LIES BENEATH Cognitive Therapy for Couples Conflict Christine A. Padesky, Ph.D. www.padesky.com 11True Love" How does Expectations, Rule, Imperatives 11True Love" turn into anger and even hate? 1. Purity of Love a. Love is unwavering, unconditional Attitudes, Expectations, Beliefs b. Disagreement, criticism are destructive ! 2. Empathic Altruism Critical Incident Someone who loves me will show: (e.g., thwarting, non-fulfillment) a. Mind Reading -"Know what I want" Negative Perspective of Partner b. Sensitivity -Never do anything to hurt me Negative Attribution of Motive (e.g., "Mean") c. Consideration- Anticipate my needs Lack of Regard d. Kindness- Be self-sacrificing Catastrophizing ("What if.... ?) e. Support- Understand, be my helper and champion Anger I Punishment of Partner 3. Cooperative Balance to redress wrong a. Fairness in distribution of duties and to prevent recurrence rewards In form of attack or withdrawal b. Equity in decision making c. Reasonableness in making/granting Partner Retaliates requests d. Responsibility, conscientiousness, Vicious Cycle of Attack-Counterattack commitment ! e. Reciprocity (total giving and getting) Cumulative Negative Interactions 4. Sexual Perfectionism a. Harmonious like a symphony Framing b. Perfect agreement as to mood, timing, and setting, satisfaction Polarization "True Love" example courtesy of Aaron T. Beck, M.D. from Love Is Never Enough Workshop Reference: AUDIOTAPE LNE: Love is Never Enough (available from www.padesky.com) }.o( Page © 2002 Center for Cognitive Therapy • www.padesky .com (\ ·n 1 of 3 WHAT LIES BENEATH Cognitive Therapy for Couples Conflict Christine A. Padesky, Ph.D. www.padesky.com A Cognitive Model of Anger Pathways Hurt Leads to Anger Fear Leads to Anger Positive Expectations Negative Expectations Expectations e.g., "If someone e.g., "If I get close, I'll cares for me, they'll be harmed." not let me down" Thwarting of Positive Fulfillment of Negative Expectations Expectations Negative e.g., Perception of e.g., Perception of the Experiences the other as other as threatening or detached or even intentionally hurtful intentionally uncaring Coping Withdraw (Self-protection) Response or Attack (Other punishment) ...... Common Interpersonal Other person: fights back, withdraws, or denies Consequence ...... , ...... Confirmation of Expectation Confirmation of Expectation Interpretation of "He/she doesn't care "This relationship is Others' Reaction about me and my dangerous" feelings" ···························································"'··························································· End Anger seems justified; it may intensify Consequence © 2002 Center for Cognitive Therapy • www.padesky .com References: Beck, A. T. (1988). Love is never enough. New York: Harper & Row. Beck, A. T. (1999). Prisoners of hate: The cognitive basis of anger, hostility, and violence. New York: HarperCollins. Dattilio, F. M., & Padesky, C. A. (1990). Cognitive therapy with couples. Sarasota, FL: Professional Resource Exchange. )o.( Page (\ • 11 2 of 3 WHAT LIES BENEATH Cognitive Therapy for Couples Conflict Christine A. Padesky, Ph.D. www.padesky.com Cognitive Therapy With Couples: Stages of Treatment1 1. History & conceptualization of the couples problems/goal setting 2. Anger management (for safety; halt destructive aspects) 3. Increase positives in the relationship 4. Teach the couple to identify, test & respond to key automatic thoughts 5. Teach communication skills 6. Exploration of anger issues 7. Teach problem resolution strategies 8. Identify & change dysfunctional attitudes & core assumptions 9. Relapse prevention Relationship Problems Mind Over Mood Assignments2 Prologue l to help identify problems in and outside Chapter 1 l the relationship ························~································································· · ··············· Chapters ~ for understanding anger and the role 2 & 12 l thoughts play in emotional reactions ························~················································································· Chapter 3 l identify emotions ...... ~················································································· Chapters l to identify and test thoughts which fuel 4 - 7 l emotional responses, interfere with l communication, and block positive l interactions ························~················································································· .... ~.~.~~~~~.~ ... L!~.. ~~·i·~:.. ?.:.~~~·i·~~~~.~~.~~.~.~.. ~~~~.~ ...... Chapter 9 l to identify and evaluate core beliefs l which fuel problems 1 - Dattilio, F. M., & Padesky, C. A. (1990). Cognitive therapy with couples. Sarasota, FL: Professional Resource Exchange. 2- Padesky, C.A. & Greenberger, D. (1995). Clinician's guide to mind over mood. New York: Guilford Press. © 2002 Center for Cognitive Therapy • www.padesky .com }o( Page (\ ·n 3 of 3 WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR Constructive & Deconstructive Language in Couples Therapy Christine A. Padesky, Ph.D. www.padesky.com Principle: Use language that emphasizes construction of new beliefs and behaviors rather than deconstruction of problematic beliefs and behaviors. This helps foster optimism and more creative therapy. You put the couple on a creative quest when you ask questions like, "what do you want to [do] [feel] [experience] [be like] instead?" Constructive Language with Couples Comment I Situation Deconstructive Response Constructive Response "I'm always letting In what ways are you letting him/her What would you like to do instead? him/her down." down? (Or, to the partner: Does l he/she let you down?) . ••••••••••••••••oo••••••••••oo•••••••••••••••oo•••t••oo••••oo••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••oo••••••••••oo••••••oo•••t••••••••••••••••oo••••••••••••••••••••••••••oo••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• "We've always been like l Can you tell me what you mean? l How would you like to be? (What rules this." l l would you need to follow to be like that?) ••••••••••••••••••••'"''"'''''''""'''"''''''''!"""'''''''''''''''''''''"''''''''"''''''''''"'''''''''''''''''''''''"t""''''"''''''''"''''''''''"""''''''''''"''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' "We can't change." l What makes you think that? l What would have to happen to make l l change possible? •••••oo•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••oo••••••••••t••••••ooo••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••t•oooo•••••••••••••oo••••••••••o•oo••••••••••••oo•••••••••oo•••••••oo••••••••••• "S/he doesn't love me." l What makes you think that? l What signs would let you know s/he ...... +...... +.... ~?.:~.!~.~.:.~?.~?...... "I get so angry I just j What makes you so angry? What j Is there something you'd rather be able have to [scream] [hit] l happens when you do that? What l to do when you get angry? What would .... ~!:.~.~:.!~:.. ~?.~.~.1.'~ ...... +.... ~~~~.:.~~-~~:.~.Y.?.~.-~.?..!~~-~?...... +.... ~~~:.~.~-~~~.~.:~.~~--~~~:.~.~-i-~.. ~?.~~~~~:?...... Couple reports many j You are still really angry. Which one l I can see we have only made small episodes of conflict l of these conflicts do you want to talk l progress so far. Let's figure out what will during the week j about today? l make a bigger difference. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••ooooooooooo••••••••••••too•••••••••••••oo•••••••••••••••••••oo•••••••••••'''"''"'''""''"''t••••••••••••oo••••••••••••••oooooo•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••oo Agenda setting l What problems would you like to l What would you like to accomplish ...... i ... ~~-~~.?.~.~~~~Y.?...... l.... ~?.~~Y.?...... Couple's complaint 1 How is this a problem for you? 1 How would you like it to be? ...... t········· .. ········· ...... t ...... Couple's negative l How do you feel when you think l Can you imagine a way to think about thoughts j that? j this which would help you feel better? ooooooo•••••oooooooo••••••••••••••oooooooo••••••••t••oooooo•••••oooooooooooooooooooooo••••••••oooooo••••••••ooooooooooooo•t•••••••••••ooooooo••••oooooooooooooooooooooo••••ooooooooo•••••••••ooooooooooooo Couple's mood focus l How (anxious, depressed, angry) l Were there times this week when you l did you feel this week? l felt (relaxed, happy, calm)? ••••••••••••••••••••ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo•t••ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo••••••••••••••••tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo•••••••• Debriefing behavioral l Did you have any problems doing l What kinds of things did you discover or experiment l the experiment this week? l learn doing that experiment this week? ...... '!" ...... t ...... Recurrent problems l What have you done about this in l Let's make a list of all the options you l the past? l have. © 2002 Center for Cognitive Therapy • www.padesky .com ~_Page ~1of3 WHEN You WISH UPON A STAR Constructive & Deconstructive Language in Couples Therapy Christine A. Padesky, Ph.D. www.padesky.com Possibility Dreams for War-Weary Couples Use these workshop principles for one or all of the following conditions only when there is a GOOD THERAPY ALLIANCE and the COUPLE IS SKILLED WORKING WITHIN A COGNITIVE MODEL. 1) couple has a chronic pattern of belief or behavior which causes life difficulties 2) couple has belief(s) or behavior patterns which interfere with therapy success 3) therapist has belief(s) or behavior patterns which interfere with therapy success Stages of Interventions 1. Make a problem list, choose a recurrent 6. Identify new principles (underlying problem that is central (e.g., We're always assumptions) which support the possibility criticizing each other) goal (e.g., If I let small things slide, then we will both 2. Make a possibilities list enjoy our evenings more; If I use humor, then a request is less burdensome; If a problem How would you like it to be? How would persists, we can set aside time to plan a solution you like to be? instead of nagging in each instance) (e.g., We'd like to use humor more and support each other) 7. Behavioral Experiments (BE's) to evaluate new UA's and reach for 3. Identify the pivotal underlying possibility dream assumptions (UA's) which maintain the a. Collaboratively construct experiments recurrent problem b. Conduct experiments Use an "if... then .... " conditional c. Debrief experiments statement for the UA i. Discuss learning (e.g., If we don't point out the problems, then things will get worse) ii. How does it support or contradict UA's and possibility dream? 4. Explore benefits first, then costs of iii. Problem solve any difficulties these underlying assumptions encountered (e.g., Benefit: We both are aware of what iv. What new principles might be pushes the other's buttons; Cost: Lots of helpful to reach your goals? tension) v. Set up further BE's d. Conduct multiple BE's over time until 5. Help client define the possibility goal new UA's are strengthened I goals are very specifically met Using imagination, kinesthetic senses, create a vivid image of a possibility 8. Ambiguity and Doubt Tolerance dream 9. Maintenance of change ~Page © 2002 Center for Cognitive Therapy· www.padesky.com ~p2of3 WHEN You WISH UPON A STAR Constructive & Deconstructive Language in Couples Therapy Christine A. Padesky, Ph.D. www.padesky.com Construct a Behavioral Experiment (BE) Types of behavioral experiments Sites for behavioral experiments ... Observational experiments ... In the therapy hour ... Metaphorical experiments ... Partners each alone ... Graded task assignments ... Couple with each other ... Direct test of beliefs (Do the "if'. Does ... With children the "then" happen?) ... With friends ... Playful experiments ... In anonymous people crowded ... Prediction logs setting ... Alternative options (is there more than ... In client's mind (imagery) one way you might fulfill the "if'?) ... Interview Others Stages of BE's Tips Make specific predictions (based on old/new beliefs) • Begin experiments in areas of a couple's life Plan experiments (anticipate where there is greater flexibility. problems) (e.g., with conflicts, look for areas in which the conflict is less intense). Conduct experiments. See which predictions come true • You may devise a graduated series of experiments or sometimes a single experiment Record outcomes (repeated several times) may be sufficient. Repeated trials are necessary • Relate the BE's to the pivotal Underlying Assumptions Analyze outcome patterns • Be alert for disqualifrers --e.g. "It only turned out this way because .... " Problem-solve challenges posed by new behaviors/beliefs © 2002 Center for Cognitive Therapy • www.padesky .com ~_Page ~3of3 Catalog Prices valid through May 31, 2002 Cognitive Therapy Order must be postmarked I faxed by Training Tapes deadline to qualify. .,.NTSC/vhs Featuring VIDEOTAPES .,.PAUvhs Christine Padesky ~ .,.Full color Aaron Beck, Judith Beck o Guided Discovery Using Socratic Dialogue: and other world experts in Christine Padesky demonstrates the four cognitive therapy stages of this questioning process to help three clients (depressed, anxious, and angry) un Professionally recorded clinical presentations and cover and re-evaluate key automatic thoughts. workshops designed to assist the mental health 44 minutes. Code# VSOQ professional to learn and apply the theory and o Testing Automatic Thoughts with Thought techniques of cognitive therapy to diverse popula Records: Christine Padesky helps a depressed tions. client explore her "hot thoughts" using the 7 column thought record. Demonstrates the inte gration of technique and the collaborative ther • For Upcoming Releases apy relationship. 69 minutes. Code# VATR visit our web site o Cognitive Therapy for Panic Disorder: A Cli • For Newest Titles ent Session. Christine Padesky. Demonstrates: see page 3 therapist-client identification of elements of cli ent's recent panic attack, use of client data to develop the cognitive model, induction of sen Contact Information sations, questions to guide discovery of an al ternative, believable explanation for panic Center for Cognitive Therapy related sensations. 50 minutes. Code# VPAN 22022 Hula Circle Collaborative Case Conceptualization: A Cli Huntington Beach CA 92646 USA o ent Session. 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MANUAL ASSISTED THERAPY MMTX Using Mind Over Mood in Therapy $17 N 0 Name Degree ' City SHIPPING & HANDLING up to $91 to $171 to over FEE CHART $90 $170 $300 $300 State Zip Code USA $4.50 $7.50 $8.50 $9.50 (For foreign address only) Postal code Country Mexico & Canada $6.00 $8.00 $9.50 $12.00 Phone West Hem (not Mex & Can) $8.00 $10.00 $13.50 $17.00 Fax Europe $10.00 $15.00 $20.00 $25.50 e-mail (required) Asia, Africa Pacific Rim $12.00 $19.50 $26.50 $35.00 Discipline _ Psychology _ Psychiatry _ Nursing MFCC _Social Work _Other (please specify): ~Use Visa or MasterCard • Fax to 714.963.0538 _Graduate Student (list Institution, year & Department name) Visit www.padesky.com for Shipping Schedule I Updates. c t ::::I.Q o E ~ ::I FRANK PITTMAN Ill, MD FRANK 5. PITTMAN III, M.D., P.C. NORTHSIDE HOSPITAL DOCTORS CENTRE 960 JOHNSON FERRY ROAD, N.E. ·SUITE 543 ATLANTA, GEORGIA 30342 TELEPHONE: (404) 256-2753 COUPLES IN CRISIS, COUPLES IN THERAPY Frank Pittman Married people come to therapy, sometimes as individuals, sometimes as a couple. They may come to therapy trying to save their marriage, trying to escape it, or ambivalent about either marriage in general or this marriage in particular. In any case, they put their marriage in the hands of a therapist whose attitude toward marriage, toward men and women, toward conflict and equality, toward violence and betrayal, will strongly impact where the therapy and the marriage go. Marriage therapy is safer than individual, but it is still a dangerous operation. A therapist neutral about matters of marriage and divorce is about like a surgeon neutral about matters of life and death. THERAPEUTIC ATTITUDES TOWARD MARRIAGE Therapists who treat marriages or even who treat individuals in crisis must: 1. Believe in·marriage, with full realization that all marriages are incompatible, all are imperfect and all are works in prog.J;ess. 2. Appreciate the benefits of even imperfect marriage in producing health, happiness, stability, sanctuary and opportunities for social and interpersonal learning and reality testing for children and for adults. Marriage is about reality, not fantasy. 3. See the character building opportunities in crisis, particularly when people can hold the family together through life's inevitable crises. 4. Not be afraid of conflict, but not fall in love with anger either. 5. Know and accept the lifecycle of marriage and the often predictable, often unpredictable points at which every marriage must be incompatible for a while. 6. Never compare something as complex, rich and total as marriage, which abounds in reality, to something as shallow, two dimensional and ephemeral as an affair. Affairs are fantasies for people who are afraid to grow up; they should not be taken seriously. 7. Understand that marriage, to be marriage, must strive for the ideal of equality, totality and permanency. It may fall short, but even then it may be more equal, more total and more permanent than any other relationship in life. 8. Realize that all married people, at least some of the time, criticize and complain, stonewall it, and are even contemptuous. This is not grounds for divorce. 9. Know that marital conflict serves the purpose of increasing first focus and then understanding, but not to choose a winner. You can't be right and married at the same time. 10. Realize that marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married. - 1 - MARRIAGE WRECKING THERAPISTS 1. Some therapists are Rescuers, either those who protect the "victim" from the "villain" or those who protect the "perpetrator" from guilt. Crises can be opportunities for many things, certainly for change and insight, but also for intimacy. Guilt ("I could have done better") is good fro you. It is shame ("I can't help doing what I do. I am not powerful enough to do things in a way that might work") that disempowers and paralyzes. 2. Some therapists are Avengers who use their positions as therapists to punish imperfect mates. They may have a social, a religious or a personal agenda to smite evildoers by destroying their marriage. Both violence and infidelity, which are behind most divorces, can arouse anger and indignation in therapists. Some therapists see life as a gender war and their goal is not only to protect one gender from the other, but also to avenge the victims of historical injustices. 3. Some therapists are Neutrals, afraid they are going to do something wrong so they take no stand at all and thus leave people's lives at the mercy of their feelings, even though people come to therapy in the throes of a crisis in which their feelings are utterly unreliable. 4. Occasionally a therapist, perhaps left over from a more idealistic time, is an anti-marriage Self-Actualizer. Such therapists try to reassure people in imperfect marriages that they "deserve something better." To such Self-Actualizers life can always be started over, without consideration of the commitments or responsibilities already in force. To them people should continue to give up husbands, wives and children until they achieve happiness. 5. Worst of all may be the Romantics who think marriages should conform to the therapist's fantasies of ideal love. Bibliography Pittman, Frank and Pittman Wagers, Tina. "Crises of Infidelity," in Handbook of Couple Therapy, Jacobson, Neil and Gurman, Al, Eds: N.Y: Guilford, 1995. Pittman, Frank. Turning Points: Treating Families in Transition and Crisis. N.Y: Norton, 1987. Pittman, Frank. Privat~ Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy. N.Y: Norton, 1989. Pittman, Frank. Man Enough: Fathers, Sons, and the Search for Masculinity. N.Y: Penquin/Putnam, 1993. Pittman, Frank. Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult. N.Y: St. Martin's, 1998. -2- FrankS. Pittman III, M.D. Northside Hospital Doctors Centre 960 Johnson Ferry Road, N.E. - Suite 543 Atlanta, Georgia 30342-1631 Tel: 404.256.2753 Fax: 404.256.3862 Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy I. THE CRISIS OF INFIDELITY 1. The nature of monogamy: what is natural and what is agreed to. 2. Definition of infidelity. 3. Infidels, cuckolds and affairees. 4. Infidelity in history, art, and literature. 5. The relationship between infidelity and divorce. 6. Guilt and jealousy. 7. Honesty and intimacy. II. MYTHOLOGY OF INFIDELITY: Some commonly accepted beliefs that tend to make matters worse. 1. Infidelity is normal and everybody does it. 2. Infidelity is good for marriage. 3. The affair proves that the infidel does not love the cuckold. 4. The affair must somehow be the fault of the cuckold. 5. The affairee must somehow be sexier that the cuckold. 6. The best course of action is to keep it secret and to pretend not to know, so there won't be a blowup that would end the marriage. 7. After an affair, divorce is inevitable. III. PATTERNS OF INFIDELITY 1. Accidental infidelity (it just happened). How infidelity can just happen, and why some people are more accident prone than others. Politeness, curiosity, luck, pity, shame, substance abuse or manic episodes, and how they can lead people to do something against one's values and patterns. 2. Philandering. This is a predominantly male pattern, in which men reaffirm a sense of masculinity by "scoring" with women. The audience is the other guys. These men may have little interest in the sex or the women, but enjoy the adventure of the chase. The female counterpart is the professional affairee who remains single and raids other people's marriages. 3. Romance. Romance is a form of temporary insanity, much valued in our society, in which people escape reality by going into a fantasy, somewhat akin to a manic episode, of having discovered one's soul mate, for whom it seems perfectly appropriate to sacrifice everything in life. It occurs not when the perfect person is found, but at crisis points in people's lives. Page 2 Private Lies: Infidelity & the Betrayal of Intimacy 4. Marital Arrangements. Some marriages are bad: the couple can't achieve a comfortable distance, so they stay partially married, not quite getting divorced, but not quite getting together, and one or both of them brings in a marital aide. Some arrangements look like bigamy, others seem permanently stuck part way through a divorce, others just accommodate long term semi secret affairs or open philandering. These couples don't want to get apart, but they also don't want to solve their problems and get together. IV. TREATING CRISES OF INFIDELITY Treating any crisis of infidelity involves getting the couple together, determining the type of infidelity, the state of the marriage before the first affair, the models of marriage in each family of origin, issues of guilt, jealousy, trust, and honesty. Ordinarily the affair must stop. Primary focus may be on gender myths and other barriers to intimacy and equality in the marriage. 1. Treating Accidental Infidelity: Bring the couple together and reveal the secret, then explore not the marriage but the accident proneness of the infidel. 2. Treating Philandering: Stop the cuckold from taking blame for the affairs, and instead focus on the philanderers gender models. Philanderers fear and hate women so much that they can't easily be married to women who like them and want to get close. 3. Treatment of Romance: Rather than focusing on the defects in the marriage or the glories of the affair partner, the romantic must examine the life crisis from which he or she is running. 4. Treating Marital Arrangements: The couple needs to re-negotiate the arrangement and make it so overt it won't be confusing. In treating all types of infidelity, the therapist must consider the children, who may be confused, threatened, or devastated by the affair and the possible breakup up the family. The therapist's values & ethics will be discussed as well as how confidentiality, secrets and lies are handled. Also how the therapist can avoid getting stuck sitting on one spouse's secret, in a conspiracy, in effect, against the betrayed spouse. References: Pittman, F.S., Turning Points: Treating Families in Transition and Crisis, W.W. Norton, New York, 1987. Pittman, F.S., Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy, W. W. Norton, New York, 1989. Pittman, F.S., Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity, Penguin-Putnam, New York, 1993. Pittman, F.S., Grow Up! Haw Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult, St. Martin's, New York, 1998. TEACHING MEN MARRIAGE A Workshop with Frank Pittman, M.D. Gender roles, rules and expectations have changed so rapidly in recent generations that we can no longer rely on the models we got from our parents, our culture or even our religion·. Many women have understood this for several generations; many men don't notice it until they fall out of their marriages. These victims of outdated gender training can be retrained for marriage, but that takes sensitivity, finesse and patience. We have the daunting job of training boys for marriage when their fathers couldn't do it. This will require us to compassionately understand these men who, despite their most conscientious efforts at putting their gender training into action, are failing at marriage. We need to know what men need to know to make a marriage work now~days. And then we can dedicate ourselves to helping men see why it is worth their trouble to give their marriage a higher priority than their manly pride, their erotic fantasies, or even their hopes for heroism. Men are supposed to learn marriage from living in the middle of the marriages of their parents, probably their grandpa~ents, th~ir friends and relatives and their family history. They would encounter living and mythical examples of all likely marital problems occurring, being faced and solved. The-marriages that did not make it would leave behind legends and dire warnings for moral teaching. We have a societal emergency on our hands in that children are being raised without fathers and therefore have no idea what men are like and what they are for. Of the many disasters that are likely to befall children of divorce, the cruelest may be the five times higher divorce rate in their own marriages. The primary cause of divorce is divorce. Therapists (who experience the marriages of many people) teach men marriage. The therapist should understand how it is supposed to work and feel, and also understands that the client doesn't. The client, with his limited experience, is being barraged by messages about marriage, about .gender, and about life. The therapist must interpret those messages from the movies and the world, helping clients move past macho myths and romantic fantasies into the world of marriage. Get these guys outside their own heads. Pittman, Frank. Turning Points: Treating Families in Transition and Crisis. N.Y. W.W.Norton,1987. Pittman, Frank. Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy. N.Y. W.W.Norton,1989. Pittman, Frank. Man Enough: Fathers, Sons, and the Search for Masculinity. N.Y. Penguin-Putnam,1993. Pittman, Frank. Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult. N.Y. St. Martin's,1998. - 1 - MESSAGES FROM THE MOVIES Under a patriarchal system, men had a variety of family functions and took their roles very seriously, even if they didn't understand how things worked. Fathers served as the role models for sons. (William Powell and Jimmy Lydon in LIFE WITH FATHER.) The better fathers passed on not just the pride of patrimony but the hard earned wisdom of their own errors. (Laurence Fishburne in BOYZ N THE HOOD.) When fathers did not do a good job in family life, and did not know they were the problem, the sons would probably see that, or the mothers would point it out, leaving the boy with a bad example with whom he is still identified, but no good example up close to take its place. (Kate Nelligan and Brad Sullivan in PRINCE OF TIDES.) Growing into manhood without a model may lead to masculine impersonations and/or hypermasculine bravado. (William Holden and Rosalind Russell in PICNIC.) If the father were a failure in family life and the world, and did not know it, the son might well model after him inadvertently. Boys can turn to their friends to learn how to deal with family relationships. The misinformation about women that men pass around among themselves could fill all the issues of PLAYBOY for the last half century. (Jon Favreau in SWINGERS) Or boys can turn to their cultural heroes of machismo (Woody Allen and Jerry Lacy in PLAY IT AGAIN ·SAM) Or, worse, boys (like cultural anthropologists) may turn to the animal kingdom (Brendan Fraser and John Cleese in GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE.) Above all, a man (or a woman for that matter) can't win at marriage. Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner in WAR OF THE ROSES) Either both win or both lose. The goal is equality. A man can't set himself up as mother's little helper or his wife's apprentice and still maintain equality in the marriage. Love fades, hate fades, but the relationship, with its constant interplay with reality, continues. But, by carefully examining himself, his models and her models, he can really get binocular vision and depth perception until he can begin to see himself through the eyes of his partner. (Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis in THE STORY OF US.) And finally marriage is much like swimming (Don Murray and Arthur O'Connell in BUS STOP) in that you have to get all the way into it. Obviously we're not going to raise a better generation of husbands until we can have a better generation of husbands and fathers to raise them. Meanwhile, we have to provide men with a better class of heroes, in sports, in politics, in movies and in TV. -2- THERAPISTS AND MARITAL SUCCESS Therapists need to understand that men are lousy husbands not because they are evil people, i.e. narcissists, psychopaths, brutes and the like, not because they are in the ''wrong" marriage, i.e. not in love or not being loved enough, but because they are amateurs and their fathers, mentors, peers and heroes did not tell them how to do marriage right, merely warned them against coming under the control of a woman. The function of therapists is, above all, education, using life's experiences, the news of the day, the classic books and stories, the movies people see, the songs they hear, and the crises of their lives to learn how marriage works. Much of this is simply manners, i.e. seeing it from the other person's perspective. Some of what it takes to make marriage work is counterintuitive. Marriage partners are not adversaries, but partners. They are on the same side of the net. The hard things people have to learn in order to do marriage are: 1. Practice fidelity, no matter what (what she doesn't know will hurt most in the long run.) If you don't know whether what you're doing constitutes an infidelity or not, ask your wife. 2. Practice honesty, even if it hurts. 3. Practice humility, even if it is unheroic. (Do you really think you can convince her that you are so perfect as to be beyond criticism?) 4. Stop the battle. You can't be right and married at the same time. When you try to prove that you are right and your partner wrong, you have to step outside the marriage and that becomes a betrayal. Is this worth fighting over? Is this really the hill on which you want to die? Either you both win or you both lose. 5. Never threaten divorce (and don't take her literally when she does it.) Don't even think about it; it is not an option worth considering. 6. Get over your fear of women's anger. When your wife is angry with you, move forward, rather than pulling away. Her anger is water, not fire. It may have a sobering and chilling effect, but it won't kill you and it won't leave scars. It is no emergency. 7. At every turn, your job is to uphold and defend the equality of the marriage. People try to unbalance their marriages with: Infidelity, Secrets and Lies Physical violence and threats of violence Emotional pyrotechnics A sense of victimization---guilt production Control of money Alliances with the children Strict gender-based roles and rules Perverting religion to make one partner more equal - 3 - WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MARRIAGE 1. Marry someone who likes you and who likes marriage. Wanting to be married is a better predictor of success than being in love. Love, like hate, fades, marriage doesn't. 2. The two best predictors of how someone will be in a marriage are a. how they have done marriage previously and b. how they parents did marriage. If they screwed it up, did they learn from it, or did they just think they married the wrong person or the in-love magic faded too fast. 3. Gender is a cruelty joke. Get over it. The true expressions of masculinity are husbanding and fathering, not the macho games of adolescence. 4. The best basis for marriage is friendship. It is a partnership. Marital partners should stay on the same side of the net. It is not a contest or competition: either both win or both lose. 5. Practice good manners at home. 6. Don't fight. You can't win. But do argue and discuss, not to determine the winner of the debate, but to make sure both understand each others perspectives. You can't be right and married at the same time. 7. Sex·is good for the marriage, but only if it makes both partners feel good. Do it often, whether you want to or not. Who knows whether they want sex until they get started? 8. Always keep your pants zipped in public. I rarely see divorce without infidelity. 9. If you want to feel more in love, be more loving. lO.Researchers find that money will not increase happiness. The secret of happiness is marriage, whether you like you marriage partner or not. Divorce is not an antidepressant, something to do if you are not happy. Sex, exercise, joy and triumph will cure unhappiness. ll.Marriage is not supposed to make you happy; it is supposed to make you married. 12.Never forget that it is your marriage rather than your partner's. It is your greatest investment, your greatest hope for security, comfort and happiness in the future, and your last, best chance to grow up. 13.Get over your fear of the power of women to define your worth as a man. You won't have to hide from them if you don't lie to them or run away from them. You won't have to fight back if you don't try to put them down in order to establish that you are right. And if you actually listen to them, they might not scream at you so much. But, if they do, remember that women's anger is water, not fire. -4- WORKSHOP HANDOUTS DAVID SCHARFF, MD A Primer of Object Relations Couple Therapy Love and Intimacy: The Couple's Conference David E. Scharff, M.D. OBJECT RELATIONS COUPLE THERAPY I. Object Relations Couple Therapy 1. Derives from psychoanalytic principles of: • Listening • Responding to unconscious material • Developing insight • Interpreting • Working in the transference and countertransference toward understanding and growth. 2. The couple is a system of sets of relationships • Which function in ways unique to that couple (and family) during developmental phases of the individuals and family. • Which can be noted by the couple therapist who attends to the couple's system as its members relate to each other and as a small group relate to the therapist • Which repeat patterns of interaction embodying old ways of feeling and behaving rooted in earlier experience with each other and with families of origin. 3. Goals of Object Relations Couple Therapy Not symptom resolution, but: • Return to appropriate developmental phase of family and couple life, with a capacity to master developmental stress • Improved ability to work as a group • Approved ability to differentiate and to meet the needs of each spouse Scharff, 2002 1 IT. Positions 1. Melanie Klein The Dynamic Relationship Between the Positions Paranoid/Schizoid Depressive r···"·"························r.;~;~;~~-i~d-S~t·ii~oid ·1 2. Ogden Autistic/contiguous position i I l i'Uti$tic-Con.Ugu_ousI " \~ D~pr~ssive ! 3. Pathological Positions :...... - ...... -...... -.. - .. -·-··-·· • Pathological Organizations (Rosenfeld) • Psychic Retreats (Steiner) ill. Winnicott 1. The psychosomatic partnership 2. The object mother and the environment mother The Psychosomatic Partnership SOMATIC PARTNERSHIP (with large psychic component) u PSYCHOSOMATIC PARTNERSHIP (evenly balanced) u PSYCHOLOGICAL PARTNERSHIP (with varying somatic component) IV. Dicks (1967) I. Projective identification in marriage Perceptions of the spouse occur "as if the spouse were part of oneself. The partner is then treated according to how this aspect of oneself was valued: spoilt and cherished, or denigrated and persecuted." 2. The joint marital personality "This joint personality or integrate enabled each half to rediscover lost aspects of their primary object relations, which they had split off or repressed, and which they were, in their involvement with the spouse, re-experiencing by projective identification." Scharff, 2002 2 V. The Unconscious Organization of Groups 1. Work Group vs. Basic Assumption Group • Dependency • Flight - fight • Pairing • Fusion-fission (Merging/emeshment, splintering) 2. Bion 1961 Valency the instinctive capacity for instantaneous involuntary combination of one individual personality with another. 3. Shapiro and Zinner • Projective idenfication in families • Shared family assumptions VI. Container/Contained 1. The baby's unthought anxieties 2. Holding in the mind 3. Transformation through mother's reverie TRANSFERENCE AND COUNTERTRANSFERENCE I. Matching the Therapist's Internal Objects 1. Organizes the experience beyond what makes intellectual or conscious sense 2. Unconscious communication occurs when there is resonance with therapist's internal objects 3. The action of projective and introjective identification in the therapeutic setting IT. Two Forms of Transference 1. Context A. Contextual Transference • Transference to the mother's holding capacity for the infant. • Life goes on within the sphere of being cared for and understood by the mother. B. Contextual Countertransference • Therapist feels taken for granted as an understanding parent if transference is (+ ). • Therapist feels treated generally as non-understanding parent if transference is (-). 2. Focus A. Focused Transference Transference stemming from the patient's internal object relations, the relatively discrete self and object images. B. Focused Countertransference Therapist feels treated as discrete parts of patient's inner world. Scharff, 2002 3 m. Countertransference in Couple Therapy 1. Reflects therapist's role as providing the holding context to the couple. 2. Arises as therapist meets the couple at its boundary, arising from the experience of taking in couple's group projective identifications. 3. Racker (1968, 1977) • Countertransference: A fundamental condition of receiving the patient's projections and tolerating them inside as projective identifications. · • Concordant Identification: The therapist identifies with a projected part of the patient's self. • Complementary Identification: The therapist identifies with a projected part of the patient's object. 4. Countertransference • Nonverbal constant interaction in which the patient acts on the analyst's mind. (Segal, 1981) • Countertransference enables us to detect the problem (Scharff, 1992) • Countertransference is the medium for its resolution (Scharff, 1992) IV. The Therapeutic Relationship 1. The Therapeutic Relationship Offers • An environment similar enough for unconscious patterns to emerge • But different enough for identification and reworking • Because the therapist brings the capacity for holding, for tolerating anxiety and loss through joining the couple experience and providing space for understanding • In order to allow partners to confront individual and shared defenses, and to face their anxiety as a pair. 2. Contextual Countertransference The therapist's response to the patient or couple's way of relating to the therapeutic environment 3. Focused Countertransference The therapist's response to the recreation of the patient's internal object relations In couple therapy, focused transference/countertransference is a defense against negative contextual transference 4. Bion • Negative capability: Being without memory or desire SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT AND DYSFUNCTION I. Sexual Development and Dysfunction • Sex is the psychosomatic expression of emotional intimacy • Legacy from psychosomatic partnership between mother and infant II. Young Child's Sexual Development 1. Mother-infant physical and emotional psychosomatic partnership 2. In second year genital play and exploration -+ rhythmic masturbation in second year 3. Sexual curiosity, mouthing of urine stream Scharff, 2002 4 Young Child's Sexual Development, continued 4. Role of toilet training - anal diversion of sexualization 5. Genital Period age 2~- 2~ showing off t sexual curiosity and imitation 6. Oedipal Development age 3-5 Genital Sexualization of Triangular Relating Child treats parents as a couple from 7-8 months Sexualization from intrinsic sexual development t cognitive capacity ill. Later Childhood and Adolescence 1. Latency, 7-10 Sexual issues recede and are integrated Jump-rope rhymes 2. Pre-adolescence, 11-12 Regression to anti-sexual stance Bathroom jokes in boys Anti-boy attitude in girls 3. Early and Mid Adolescence Same-sex peer pairs Heterosexual/Homosexual pairing Genital interaction and sexual identity 4. Beginning of partner selection IV. Mate and Partner Selection 1. Accentuates exciting object relating 2. Repression and Projection of Rejecting Objects 3. Investment of the wider culture in love and sexualization V. Maintenance of Marriages 1. Sex acts as physical component of intimacy, renewing couple's bond 2. Absence of sex generally felt as a deficit, handicapping overall relationship VI. Conditions for Developing Sexual Symptomatology 1. Trauma or loss in period of active sexual development (e.g. childhood masturbation, Oedipal activity) 2. Parental sexualization of development 3. Parental denial and repression of sexuality 4. Deficits in parental love and sexuality projected into relationship with child 5. Physical and sexual trauma Vll. Sexual and Sexualized Symptomatology 1. Childhood sexual symptoms and acting out 2. Repression of normal sexuality 3. Projection of emotional issues into sexual system 4. Adolescent and adult sexual learning disorders 5. Interferences in general development that involve sexuality 6. Friction in couple's relationship that impinge on sexual relationship 7. Deficits in sexual relationship impinge on couple's emotional relationship Scharff, 2002 5 Love and Intimacy: The Couples Conference New Concepts in Object Relations Couple Therapy David E. Scharff, M.D. International Institute ofObject Relations Therapy, IIORT I. Attachment Theory 1. Affect Development and Therapy (Schore, 1994) • Early right brain development • Entrainment • Importance of affect match and mis-match in couple relationship 2. Attachment Theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth) Flgu,.3 Types: Secure Insecure- Resistant Insecure - Ambivalent Disorganized/Disoriented (Traumatic) 3. Adult attachment (Main) Attachment in couples Matching different attachment styles Entrainment Separations and reunions Therapist and separation 4. Complex Attachments in Couples (Fisher & Crandell, in Clulow, 2001) • Secure & Secure =good relationship • Secure & Insecure: Preoccupied Man & Secure Woman =at risk Preoccupied Woman & Secure Man =low risk • Dismissive & Dismissive =low risk • Preoccupied & Preoccupied =at risk Two-Dimensional, four-category model of adult attachment (Bartholomew, Henderson & Dutton, in Clublow, 2001) Po.<ive mode1 of other SECURE PREOCCUPIED Comforable with Preocc:upiad with close relationships intimacy and autonomy Overly dependent on others Positive in dose relationships for self-l!stcem :&lld 'upport Negative model of ------+------model of self selr DISMISSING FEARFUL Down-play.s imporgnce Furful of intim1cy of close r1lationships due to fear- of rejection CompuiJive self-rellanc:e Socially avoidant Ne1ative model of other 1 The dynamics of the secure attachment system (Bartholomew, Henderson & Dutton, in Clulow, 2001) Playful, :sociable, exploration· • seeking contact, oriented din&ing • anzry protest Attachment strategies -Secure m:aintenanca of - Preoccupied proltimity ·.. .. Fearful while avoiding ------' --- Dismissing intimacy 5. Attachment & Abuse (Bartholomew, Henderson & Dutton, in Clulow, 2001) A. Risk of Being Abused: Secure No Abuse Dismissing Leaves Abusive Partner Preoccupied At risk Fearful Lower risk (unless also preoccupied) B. Risk of Perpetrating Abuse Secure Low risk Dismissive Likely to leave Preoccupied Potential violence/abuse Fearful Not demanding(? Low risk) C. Research Findings on Abusive Couples Preoccupied Men & Preoccupied Women (most common pattern) Preoccupied Men & Fearful Women (a stereotype of abuse) Fearful Men & Preoccupied Women (mutual abuse; more female perpetrators) IT. Chaos Theorv :~~--··7\···-- 1 ;:··. ..~\ I ! ~ ....., • _...to-! -...... : , 1 • ...... , .· ·.. 1 r- -· ·-· __ • Iteration and feedback '~!6gd"j-A.I '" • r~-· • Sensitive dependence on initial conditions : :,: I ···:.· . .. ·~· • Unpredictability vs. Pattern Recognition I . .. . / -· • Limit Cycle Attractors & Strange Attractors ~~~-~ --!)'·~+ • Fractals: Self Similarity across Scale ; .. --· 1 1.-~· -· ==~ I I. <."'assiral lqiN5ftllllinll u( rlemrn1ary anrac1on I a. Si!IP-plilll allnii:IOf Cflwd pain•~ b. lnlil q..:lr (lilllll c)-del. c. torw Cmtioa). 2 1. Clinical Concepts: Self-Similar vs. Self-Same Behavior Basins of Attraction and Infantile Attractors Adaptability Resides in Chaotic Patterns Shifts Between Chaos and Pattern: The Edge of Chaos 2. Object Construction and Exclusion Object Construction: New objects installed in the ego Object Exclusion: Attempts to rid the self of persecuting inner objects 3. Attachment and Strange Attractors Secure Base for exploration and play Insecure and Disorganized Attachments: Clinging to self-same behavior The Couple's Joint Personality (Dicks) The Internal Couple Transference ID. Geography of Transference Containment IIndividual II Couple II Therapist I 3 1. Containment Space Here There Time Now Past: Back-Then Future: 1f-and-VVhen Type of Transference Contextual Focused IV. Effects of Physical and Sexual Trauma on Personality Development 1. Encapsulation of traumatic nuclei 2. Dissociation and gaps in the psyche 3. Splits in the self with awareness 4. Splits into multiple selves with separate memory banks and non-communicating consciousness 5. Impaired capacity for fantasy elaboration and symbolization 6. Thinking that is literal, concrete, and sometimes non-verbal 7. Defensive preoccupation with the mundane 8. Preoccupation with bodily symptoms 9. Implicit memory behaviors that repeat the trauma V. Trauma and Couple Therapy 1. Features of the Traumatized Couple • Preoccupation with coherence of self (autistic/contiguous concerns) Fears for bodily integrity Use of objects to support the self • Paranoid schizoid processes • Lack of depressive concerns • Skewed projective identification of aggression overlies excitement and longing 4 2. Therapeutic Impasse in Couples Following Trauma • Preoccupation with aggression and damage • Compartmentalization and isolation • Feared and fearful elements put into spouse through projective identification • Lack of confidence in Talking Healing Cooperating 3. Technique of Object Relations Therapy for Trauma Welcome going-on-being Relate to splits Recreate the transitional zone of fantasy Monitor the holding environment Move between context and focus Translate body communications Hold a neutral position equidistant between trauma and going-on-being Recover images in the transference-countertransference Put images into narrative form Refind the self as its own object Be there as both object and absence Transmute trauma to genera VII. Central Role of Countertransference in Therapy 1. Holding 2. Containment 3. Interpretation References Clulow, C. (2001). Adult Attachment and Couple Psychotherapy. New York and London: Brunner/Routledge. Fonagy, P. (2002). Attachment Theoty and Psychoanalysis. New York: Other Press; Lodon: Karnac. Scharff, D. E. and Scharff, J. S. (1991). Object Relations Couple Therapy. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson. Scharff J. S. and Scharff, D. E. (1994). Object Relations Therapy ofPhysical and Sexual Trauma. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson. Scharff, J. S. and Scharff, D. E. (1998). Object Relations Individual Therapy. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson. Schore, A. N. (1994). Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiological Basis of Development. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum. 5 About the International Institute of International Institute o Object Relations Therapy Object Relations Therap IIORT Progra111s for 2002-200 Two-Year Core Program in David E. Scharff, M.D. Object Relations Theory and Practice Jill Savege Scharff, M.D. Co-directors Beginning July 6-12, 2002 • Washington, DC Area Concentrated immersion in object relations theory and therapy designed in modular block training format for those who commute 1 IIORT presents national certificate to Washington. Two seven day summer institutes and eight training programs that bring mental health weekend conferences over two years. For the following weekend professionals and faculty together to conferences, come to just one weekend, or attend all four as part of study with international contributors at the two-year program: the leading edge of the field. IIORT offers quality programming - from short Weekend Conferences on Object Relations courses and two-year programs to 4 years of clinical training, all with continuing in Washington, DC: education credit. Melanie Klein: Robert Hinshelwood, November 1-3,2002 Attachment and Psychotherapy: Jeremy Holmes, Feb. 21-23, 2003 Study at llORT is creditable towards a Dimensions ofPsychotherapy: with IIORT Faculty, January 2003 Ph.D. at Southern California Qinical Technique: Haydee Faimberg, Spring, 2003 University for Professional Studies. The institute is based in Washington, DC Video Link Supervision and Seminars and reaches out nationally through centralized training modules for students _ By Arrangement commuting to Washington from other Contact us to discuss videoconference links to your site. states and through satellite programs held in Burlington, VT; Charlottesville, VA; Study Groups and Seminars in 12 Cities Chevy Chase, MD/Washington, DC; (listed in left-hand column) Long Island and Manhattan, NY; New Orleans, LA; Omaha, NE; Panama City, 2-Year Couple Child and Family Program Panama; Philadelphia, PA; Salt Lake featuring City, UT; San Diego, CA; & Tampa, FL. A Couple, Child and Family Institute: IIORT Provides further outreach through Clinical Work Across Generations and Modalities giving seminars in other locations by July 7-12, 2002 in Chevy Chase, MD request, writing and editing textbooks, and consulting by telephone and now by video conferencing. The innovative Clinical Application Program educational methods combine theoretical, With supervision and weekly and monthly seminars in 12 cities clinical and experiential approaches to arrive at an integrated view of Study Groups and Supervision personhood, development, pathology and In local program cities and nationally by telephone and video link. clinical interaction from an object relations perspective. Feedback and written evaluations from students and input from our multidisciplinary faculty For more information on our programs, contact us at and Board of Directors ensure quality IIORT programming of relevance to the clinician. The aim of the Institute to 6612 Kennedy Drive, Chevy Chase, :MD 20815 promote the science and art of phone: 301-215-7377•fax: 301-951-6335•[email protected] psychotherapy and psychoanalysis from or visit our website at www.iiort.org the object relations perspective. WORKSHOP HANDOUTS JANIS ABRAHMS SPRING, PhD Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP 20 Country Road Westport, CT 06880 (203) 227-4771 AFTER THE AFFAIR: HELPING COUPLES REBUILD TRUST AND SEXUAL INTIMACY, AND EARN FORGIVENESS Introduction to an Integrative Treatment Model of Infidelity * What constitutes an affair? * How prevalent is infidelity? * Should affairs be revealed or kept secret? * How much detail about the affair should be disclosed? * How are each partner's secrets managed within couple therapy? Stage I: Normalizing the Emotional Crisis * The emotional reaction of the hurt partner * The emotional reaction of the unfaithful partner * Sex differences in response to the affair Stage II: Making a Thoughtful Decision to Recommit or Leave * Making sense out of unrequited and romantic love * Developing a realistic concept of love * Confronting each partner'' s fears and doubts about recommiting * Taking responsibility for how early experiences shape each partner's ability to be satisfied, intimate, and faithful in their adult relationships Stage III: Strategies for Constructive Change * Restoring Trust * Conducting a funeral for the lover * Radically reconceptualizing forgiveness Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997 THE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE OF THE HURT PARTNER Loss of: * Identity * Sense of specialness * Self-respect for debasing yourself and forfeiting your basic values to win your partner back * Self-respect for failing to acknowledge that you were wronged * Control over your thoughts and actions * Fundamental sense of order and justice in the world * Religious faith * Connection with others * Sense of purpose -- the will to live Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997 THE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE OF THE UNFAITHFUL PARTNER * Relief * Impatience * Chronic anxiety * Justified anger * Absence of guilt * Grief over the loss of the lover * Guilt over the children * Isolation * Hopelessness * Paralysis * Self-disgust Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997 LEARNING FROM THE AFFAIR 1. Which of the follo\ving seven growth experiences was I deprived of? * Being safe and secure * Functioning independently in the world * Having solid emotional connections with others * Being valued * Being free to express yourself * Being free to let go and have fun * Living with realistic limitations 2. What feelings were most dominant or familiar to me as I was growing up? * Examples of positive feelings: safe, contented, trusting, attended to, praised, respected, accepted valued, encouraged to express * Examples of negative feelings: frightened, inadequate, mistrustful, lonely, jealous, bored, deprived, neglected, pressured, unloved, humiliated, criticized, constrained 3. What was going on in my relationship with my parents, significant caretakers, or siblings, or in their relationships with one another, that made me feel this way? 4. What was missing from the way my mother treated me? What was my greatest unmet need? How did this affect who I became, and the way I feel about myself today? 5. What was missing from the way my father treated me? How did this affect who I became, and the way I feel and think about myself today? 6. What did I like most about the way my mother treated me? How did this affect who I became, and the way I feel and think about myself today? Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997 LEARNING FROM THE AFFAIR, continued 7. What did I like most about the way my father treated me? How did this affect who I became, and the way I feel or think about myself today? 8. What did I learn about love from the way my mother and father treated me? 9. What did I learn about love from the way my parents treated each other? 10. Who were the significant people in my life? What did they teach me about love, and how did they affect my concept of myself? 11. How do I blame you, my partner, for making me feel the way I've always felt? 12. How do you blame me for making you feel the way you've always felt? 13. How do I hurt you in ways in which you're already vulnerable? 14. How do you hurt me in ways in which I'm already vulnerable? 15. How do I provoke you so that you react to me in ways that hurt you, as you're used to being hurt? 16. How do you provoke me so that I react to you in ways that hurt you, as you're used to being hurt? 17. What do I give you that you value most? 18. What do you most need from me to feel safe, secure, and valued? Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997 LOW-COST TRUST BUILDING BEHAVIORS * Limit your overnight travel. * Tell me when you run into your lover. * Tell me if you're planning to contact your lover. * Show me what pleases you sexually. * Tell me when you feel proud of me, and why. * Call me during the day. * Tell me how you feel-- share your intimate thoughts with me. * Tell me when you like the way I look. * Tell me when you feel happy or more optimistic about our future together. * Come home from work in time to have dinner with the family. * Plan time to be alone with me. * Spend more time in foreplay -- kissing and touching. * Tell me what upset you during the day. * Tell me what pleased you during the day. * Focus on what I'm saying, and don't be distracted when we talk. * Tell me when you feel I've let you down. * Work on letting your anger go and getting back on track with me. * Show me affection outside the bedroom. * Hold me and show understanding when I'm upset; don't give up on me. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997 HIGH-COST TRUST BUILDING BEHAVIORS * Don't contact or associate with your lover's circle of friends or relatives. * Quit the club or association to which your lover belongs. * Transfer some of your assets into my name. * Find another job. * Go on a romantic vacation with me. * Pay for me to complete my college education. * Show me your monthly bank statements, credit card statements, and phone bills. * Do whatever it takes to give up drugs or alcohol. * Move to another town with me. * Provide funds for me to hire a private investigator to track you. * Explore in therapy the effects of your father' s/mother' s infidelity on you. * Get into couple therapy with me and work to figure out exactly what the affair says about you, about me, and about us. * Answer all my questions about the lover in front of a therapist, so I'm more certain that you're telling the truth. . Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP FORGIVENESS EXERCISE 1. Identify a person who has hurt you. 2. Briefly describe how that person hurt you. 3. What has that person done to earn forgiveness? 4. What have you done (either in your actions or mind) to forgive that person? 5. What (else) could the offending person do to help you consider forgiving him/her? 6. What (else) could you do (in your actions or mind) to help you to forgive him/her? "We enter intimate relationships blindly, AFTER often effortlessly, swept up with passion and an idealized perception of our partner, often cocky I about our ability to keep things hot. Most of us AFFA\R are totally unprepared for what lies ahead, and ·Healing the ·Pain ignorant of what's required to last the course ... and. Rebuiltling Trust When a Partner Has The affair shocks us into reality. Fortunately, it Been Un£aith(ul also invites us to try again." -from AFTER THE AFFAIR nfidelity is often the deathblow to a relationship. But it can also be a wake-up call, challenging couples to confront the issues that led to the affair and build a healthier, more intimate relationship than before. As "After the Affair is the most I a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for comprehensive and balanced book I have twenty-five years, Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring has found that couples can ever read on the subject. It is 'must' survive infidelity, provided that both partners are willing to look honestly reading for any couple who has at themselves and at each other and acquire the skills they need to help themselves through such a shattering crisis. experienced the violation of trust as a result of an affair." After the Affair addresses crucial questions of both partners, including: -Harville Hendrix, Ph. D., • Why did the affair happen? author of Gm/NG THE LOVE YOU WANT • Once love and trust are gone, can they ever be rekindled? • How can l-or should !-recommit when I feel so ambivalent? "After the Affair is a wonderful guide for • How do we get the lover out from between the two of us and couples who want to reconstruct their become sexually intimate again? relationship after one partner has been • Is forgiveness possible? Is it healthy? unfaithful. In clear, sparkling prose, Dr. For those who are going through the pain, confusion, and anger of an Spring explains the sources of infidelity infidelity, After the Affair can help you cope with the raging emotions, and offers sound, sensible guidelines for make a thoughtful decision about your future, and, if you choose to recommit, reclaim a life together. mending the relationship." -Aaron Beck, M.D., founder of CognitiveTherapy Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., is a Diplomate in Clinical Psychology, a and author of LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH clinical supervisor in the Department of Psychology at Yale University, and a nationally acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and "Dr. Spring possesses a remarkable forgiveness. Her private practice in Westport, Connecticut, deals largely combination of clarity, wisdom, spirit, and with partners confronting the trauma of infidelity. heart. This is an extremely helpful and healing book-a gift to us all." -Harriet Lerner, Ph. D., NOW IN ITS 27th PRINTING author of THE DANCE OF ANGER - HarperPerennial A Division of HarperCollinsPublishers Notes Notes 1 F£\l.£Nl.£ ida Mi\\er - t:.\ient J"ohn Norc.ro&& - t:.hri&tine 'Pade&~1 - 'Ptg91 'Papp - £rving 'Pol&ter - J"amt.& 'Proc.ha&~ - £rne&t tz.o&&i - Michele Wtiner- tz.. ~id Wil&on - Mic.hae\ Yap~ - ;rtffrt1 z.tig - Conference is brought to you by H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION, INC. au•!stiions or to request a brochure: Street, Phoenix, AZ 85016-6500 USA : 602-956-6196 Fax: 602-956-0519 I: [email protected] lwww.erlckson-foundatlon.org/brfther.htm . DE~' DALLAS I WASHINGTON ·...... ,. ···--/ l-1 f I I ~ ~· ,.EW YORK I .::.. ~ f BOSTON J I '""'"' ,- ~~ii j '. ·_:· -.. ~:-- ..-. ---~ I r ·1 HOUSTON PHILADELPHIA ·~ I L _ l SCOTISOALE J IMPERIAL PAllO ,( I ; ~------~----::t - ~.. ~-: · ;;::. ·::-.:-! \ \ ·:ENTURY BOUl£VARD