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Ha2tf Final 12-21 JUSTIN WALES Justin Wales [email protected] Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal. OPENING CRAWL: MUSIC CUE: Somewhere In My Memory (Home Alone Theme) JUSTINHome AloWALESne II The Future Ten-Year-Old Kevin McCallister is Lost In New York! A year after being left Home Alone by his family over Christmas to fight off a pair of dimwitted robbers, the mischievous Kevin inadvertently boarded a pre-9/11 flight to New York without a ticket. With his family in Florida, Kevin decides to live it up in New York City without concern for whether his parents are worried or how much of their money he is spending. After a day sightseeing across Manhattan, Kevin heads to the World Famous Plaza Hotel where he is about to meet two unexpected visitors: The future President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, and a 40-year-old version of himself sent back from 2020 to stop him from becoming President...by any means. FADE IN: INT. PLAZA HOTEL - NEW YORK CITY - DECEMBER 23, 1992 KEVIN McCALLISTER enters the hotel’s spectacular foyer. It’s a lot nicer than even the Milwaukee Radisson he and his family stayed at for his cousin Lisa’s wedding last year...and that place had an ice machine on every floor! The Plaza makes that Radisson look like Buzz’s room. Woof. As Kevin makes his way through the Hotel’s gilded halls he stops a random man for directions. It is, inexplicably, the future President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. 2. KEVIN Excuse me, where’s the lobby? DONALD TRUMP JUSTINIt’s down the haWALESll and to the left. KEVIN Thanks. Kevin leaves Trump and enters the opulent lobby. He pulls out a TALKBOY from his bag and hits “PLAY”. As the tape recorder plays back a commercial for the Plaza Kevin just happened to record off of the TV the night before, the hotel is abuzz with guests and excitement. CEDRIC, a pompadoured bellhop (Rob Schneider) carries bags through the lobby as head concierge, MR. HECTOR (Tim Curry), glares rudely at a black guest just trying to check in. TALKBOY Guests of The New Celebrity Ding- Dang-Dong stay at the world- renowned Plaza Hotel, New York's most exciting hotel experience. For reservations, call toll free: 1-800- 759-3000. KEVIN (to himself) I’ll do just that! INT. HOTEL’S PHONEROOM Kevin stands on a stack of phone books to reach the receiver. KEVIN (into TALKBOY) Howdy do? This is Peter McCallister, the father. I’d like a hotel room, please. With an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key. Credit card? No problem! Kevin flips a switch on the TALKBOY and dials the Hotel’s reservation number. A bright FLASH of LIGHT emits from the frosted windows behind him. He gives the camera a puzzled look but shakes it off when a woman finally picks up the phone. 3. WOMAN Plaza Hotel reservations. May I help you? He plays the recording into the phone at quarter-speed so his JUSTINvoice sounds like a man reWALEScovering from a stroke. TALKBOY Howdy do? This is Peter McCallister, the father... INT. LOBBY - SIMULTANEOUSLY KEVIN MCCALLISTER, 40, lies face down in the hall. Dressed in tatters, he’s rail thin with a mane of wiry blond hair. An elderly, midwestern couple, BETH and LARRY SCHOENFELD, look at Kevin in shock. They were warned New York City was filled with eccentric characters, but didn’t expect to see one in their hotel’s hallway! BETH Oh, Larry! He just came out of nowhere. Do you think he’s hurt? LARRY Now careful, Beth. He might be one of those junkies the tour guide warned us about. Larry nudges Older Kevin with his foot. He starts to come to. As he lifts his head, we see a COVID-style mask covering the bottom half of his face. Older Kevin jolts as he takes in his surroundings. He holds a futuristic-looking PORTAL GUN in his hand which he quickly stuffs in his coat before anyone sees. 4. BETH Let’s go -- He’s wearing a mask, he might have the AIDS. I heard all about it on Connie Chung. JUSTINOLD ER WALESKEVIN (whispers to himself) The AIDS? Kevin calls out to the couple. OLDER KEVIN (CONT'D) Hey lady, do you know what COVID is? BETH Why, of course. Fear strikes Kevin’s eyes. BETH (CONT'D) It’s by Andrew Lloyd Webber, right? Larry and I just love the theater! LARRY No, no. That’s Evita. BETH Oh, right. Is COVIDA any good? Kevin laughs in relief. OLDER KEVIN (to himself) It worked? Looking around the hotel it’s obvious he isn’t in 2020 anymore: A woman in 90’s fashion smokes a cigarette at the bar; a pair of teens (one of them a fourteen-year-old Nick Kroll, although that doesn’t really factor into the plot) are dressed in neon windbreakers and playing Game Boys; OJ SIMPSON signs autographs as his wife, NICOLE, looks on. OJ SIMPSON FAN You’re an inspiration, Juice! OLDER KEVIN It worked! Kevin rips off his mask and tosses it in the air. Jubilated, he runs over to the couple and puts his arms around them for an intimate, and by the looks of Kevin, very smelly, hug. 5. OLDER KEVIN (CONT'D) I haven’t been able to hold anyone in months. I’ve just been home... alone...because of that stupid JUSTINvirus. WALES BETH Virus! Larry, I told you! Larry pushes away from Kevin. LARRY Well, we have tickets for Cats and should go. You should get out of here before security finds you. KEVIN First I have to find myself. LARRY The ‘60s are over, son. It’s time to grow up. Maybe get a haircut. Let’s go, Beth. INT. LOBBY Younger Kevin walks to a FEMALE CONCIERGE. As he waits for her to finish with another customer, Mr. Hector, the rudest concierge in New York City, eyes Younger Kevin with great suspicion for no reason at all. INT. HOTEL HALL Older Kevin approaches bellboy Cedric as he counts his tips. CEDRIC Look, you can’t be in here. There’s a shelter on 46th-- OLDER KEVIN I’m a guest here. McCallister... Cedric doesn’t believe him. CEDRIC You in one of those grunge bands? Sound Blossoms or something? OLDER KEVIN Yep. I’m in the Sound Blossoms. Cedric’s scowl switches to a too-eager-to-help smile. 6. CEDRIC Oh, of course. Big fan. Are you playing the pageant? OLDER KEVIN JUSTINPageant? WALES CEDRIC The Trump Annual Pre-Teen Christmas Eve Beauty Pageant. OLDER KEVIN ...Yes? CEDRIC Nice! You know, I’m in a band too. We do Quiet Riot covers but we change all the lyrics so they’re about pizza. We call ourselves “Cum on Feel the Noids.” OLDER KEVIN That sounds...amazing, actually. CEDRIC You get it, right? Noid, like the Domino’s Pizza mascot? OLDER KEVIN Yeah, I totally remember The Noid. CEDRIC We’re actually playing tonight if-- OLDER KEVIN Listen, have you seen Donald Trump? I was supposed to meet him here. CEDRIC He just left. OLDER KEVIN I missed him? CEDRIC Yes, but he’ll be back tomorrow. He’s judging the pageant. OLDER KEVIN You’re sure he’ll be back tomorrow? CEDRIC Of course. He wouldn’t miss it, it’s for charity. 7. Trump doing something for charity? Older Kevin raises an unconvinced eyebrow. CEDRIC (CONT'D) JUSTINPlus his daugh teWALESr is competing. OLDER KEVIN Ivanka? CEDRIC I don’t know the names of Donald Trump’s children. OLDER KEVIN Must be nice. As Older Kevin starts to walk away, Cedric coughs while extending his palm out for a tip. OLDER KEVIN (CONT'D) Ah, right--Can you break a ten? CEDRIC I can. Kevin slaps his hand. OLDER KEVIN Now give me five back. Kevin puts out his palm. Cedric reluctantly high fives him. OLDER KEVIN (CONT'D) I’m just kidding. I get that your livelihood depends on tips. Kevin checks the pockets of his jackets. He takes out a modern twenty dollar bill before crumpling it back. He finally pulls out a large, gun shaped VAPEWAND from his jacket and hands it to Cedric as a tip with a guilty look. INT. LOBBY Younger Kevin approaches the Female Concierge. Younger Kevin Hi. Female Concierge Can I help you? YOUNGER KEVIN Reservation for McCallister. 8. FEMALE CONCIERGE A reservation for yourself? YOUNGER KEVIN Ma’am, my feet are hardly touching JUSTINthe ground. I caWALESn barely see over the counter. How can I make a reservation for a room? Think about it: A kid going into a hotel making a reservation? I don't think so. FEMALE CONCIERGE I’m confused. YOUNGER KEVIN I'm traveling with my dad. He's on business. He's at a meeting. I hate meetings. I'm not allowed to go in, only to sit in the lobby. That's boring. So my dad dropped me off and gave me his credit card and told me to check-in so I won't get into mischief. Ma'am, sometimes I do get into mischief. We all do! Younger Kevin flashes that million dollar smile which falls when he hears his name being shouted from across the lobby. OLDER KEVIN (O.C.) Kevin! Older Kevin walks up and puts his arm on his younger self. OLDER KEVIN (CONT'D) My meeting was cancelled, so I thought you and I could go out for a lovely cheese pizza.
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