The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper

issue 1055 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 20 MARCH 2003 $20

UNISPORT SPORTS DAY Monday night sees the Union open its doors to a £6 “all you can drink” extravanganza Details of how to get involved with this year’s sports day, taking place Sparkle drinks “on their heads” next Wednesday over at the Varsity THE S TUDENTS’ UNION has turned its £9 all- Centre. It’s silly you-can-drink Monday evening on its head stuff, but so are and will offer students the opportunity to a lot of things | drink all they can for just £6 next Monday page 24 evening. Starting off the final week of semester in RED HOT CHILLIS (AT USSU) style, the offer halves the deal that was pre - sented this time last year and gives students A review of the the chance to celebrate their final week be - Red Hot Chilli fore a holiday of probable revision. Peppers on their Numbers for Monday evenings have been recent tour of steady throughout the semester, despite the the UK, with introduction of the “drinking lounge” style pictures ofdrum- offer. Rumours have suggested that to break mer Chad Smith even on a £9 night, the Union must admit at playing at a least 400 students, though this figure has not master class been confirmed. held at USSU In other Union entertainments news, Lisa last week | page 17 Maffia - the female vocalist who guested with So Solid Crew - will join Shola Ama at IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER the Union for the MTV sponsored Blues & Soul Tour, which will be held at the Union Lights. Camera. Action. on Wednesday 14 th May. The popular Or - ange tour - which also made it onto the front News on the campaign and the Vice Chan- page of barefacts in a previous slow news cellor’s visit to the Southway underpass late week - will also be returning to the Union, last week News | page 3 this time on Friday 9th May. What are the important issues? As if this wasn’t enough, DJ Yoda will be There is a time and a place for everything. playing the Union tomorrow (Friday) night Now is not the time to be moaning about after Chesney proved himslef once again the cost of education Opinion | page 5 last night (Wednesday) to be the One and Only to a packed Union. The situation as I see it Graeme Phillips looks at the past, present and future as the world moves closer to war with Iraq Opinion | page 6 Vice Chancellor’s message to the University Kevin Spacey does Kevin Spacey THE VICE CHANCELLOR, Professor Patrick BY RICHARD WATTS will be affected in different ways. The Life of David Gale proves to be nothing Dowling, has issued a letter to all members If any member of the University feels a more than an exercise in taking the moral of the University concerning the situation in writing to all members of the University need for some additional support at this highground barearts | page 9 the Middle East. The statement comes at a community. time, there are a range of groups and services More time at gigs than in lecture time when there is much uncertainty facing Ever since its foundation the University has available which provide an opportunity for Alongside the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, the many members of UniS’ student population prided itself on the multicultural nature of its discussion, a way of meeting people with music team review Lemon Jelly, Har Mar and calls for “respect and tolerance” at UniS. student and staff bodies. Many nations and a similar background, or just a safe place Superstar and Placebo barearts | page 16 The full text reads as follows: “At this time indeed many religious faiths are represented to talk and explore thoughts and feelings of increased tension in the world, I am on our campus. We have a long history of in confidence. Some examples include the Bouncing their way to success different groups and communities studying, student societies run under the auspices National success for the trampoline squad working and living together, united in a of the Students’ Union, the Chaplaincy as medals are won left, right and centre at desire for learning and the advancement of Centre which has links to a range of faith national championships Sport | page 24 knowledge and in the pursuit of professional communities, and the staff and student and personal development. counselling services. Although it is in the nature of our University Whatever the immediate outcome of the to actively engage with the real world, tensions in the Middle East, and their long- critically examining and debating the issues term impact on the wider world, each one of the day, at a time such as this we must all of us has a responsibility as a member of seek to live sensitively amongst our peers a learning community to do what we can and colleagues. The challenges presented in our daily lives to promote the universal by the current world climate are many values of respect and tolerance in and and diverse and will impact on each of us around our University.” individually. We will all be affected in some The Students’ Union has also sent out its way, and we must remember that each of the own message of support to students that members and groups within our community might be affected by international issues. 2 NEWS 20 March 2003 Female graduates face unrepayable debt www.thes.co.uk

ONCE THE GOVERNMENT’S new £3,000 a year BY PHILIP HOWARD student debt system is in place, women will NEWS EDITOR face an unrepayable debt, finds Lib Dem research. years. According to the research, average female The research assumes the debts to be around earnings are not sufficient to beat the £20,000 when the student leaves university, increases due to inflation, and as such never which the Lib Dems argue would not earn enough to repay the debt caused by happen under their scheme to levy a 50% post-graduation top-up fees. The research top rate tax on those earning over £100,000, show an approximate £30,000 glass ceiling and use the money to abolish tuition fees on average female wages, at which point and reintroduce grants. Phil Willis, the Lib the repayment of debts is even less able to Dems’ education spokesman, said: “The compensate for the rises due to inflation, and implications of this paper are enormous the debt actually increases. By comparison, and reveal that the average female graduate the average projected male earnings rise will never be able to repay her student debt faster and for longer, sufficient to allow the unless she is given external support.” average man to repayhis loan within 23 University big band concert shows

BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH PATS Studio One, and will be conducted EDITOR and performed entirely by students. UK endowments far behind US Tickets for both events can be obtained IN A REPORT on the relative sizes of US and balance, however, as although Oxford and ON THURSDAY 27Th March the University of from the University Box Office on 01483 UK university endowment funds, the gap Cambridge have spend 800 years amassing Surrey Big Band are presenting a concert 686876 and cost £2 for the Big Band, and between the US and the UK is huge writes their fortunes, Havard have managed to in PATS Studio One. The band are also are free for the Pops Orchestra. Philip Howard. Far ahead of other UK move from $1.7bn to $18bn since 1981. currently rehearsing for the national finals universities, even Oxford and Cambridge Peter Lampl, the trust’s chairman said: “The of the BASBWE/Boosey and Hawkes (with around £2bn each) would only relatively short time fram of these changes Band Festival which are taking place in come 15th in the US list, which is headed suggests the gulf is bridgeable, but it will Manchester during the Easter holiday. by Harvard – standing proud at £10.7bn. tke substantial increases in unit funding On a similar vein, Saturday 22nd March sees Surprisingly, Surrey makes the top 10 list and a revolution in our attitudes to, and the debut performance of the new University in the UK, with an endowment of £59m, mechanisms for, charitable giving” reports Pops Orchestra. Formed only in November, the highest placed of the 1994 group, and the THES. the orchestra has been rehearsing a mix of outranking 10 of the 19 Russell Group Surrey sits well, it would appear, with the repertoire ranging from Abba and Queen to members. Even so, Surrey would be placed report, which advises promoting alumni the Beatles, as well as some compositions 305th in the US list, highlighting the sheer relations – barefacts would like to direct its written by students from the Music difference of scale of US universities’ readership to the Surrey Alumni Society’s Department. The concert takes place in endowments. weekly article, on page 8 of this week’s The report offers hope for redressing the barefacts.

HEFCE recommends specialisation

IN ITS 2003-08 strategic plan (draft), the BY PHILIP HOWARD Higher Education Funding Council for NEWS EDITOR England has laid out the groundwork for the government’s plans to push universities even rewards for individual academics. Sir towards specialisation. It identifies the core Howard said “Teaching and learning are areas of a university’s work as teaching, a core business of higher education. With research, widening participation and teaching, because students are involved, links with business and the community, it’s important to ensure that the worst are with the option of specialising in one raised to the level of the best. Everyone of them. Of these, Surrey is clearly on will get teaching funding, but the units and top of teaching with its 1.4% increase in individuals who can demonstrate excellence funding, and building links with business will attract funding for that purpose.” reports and the community, particularly since the the THES. recent contract between Rolls-Royce and Some institutions may choose to excel at the School of Engineering and Surrey’s understanding the business needs of the historical links with industry. local community, without needing to be the The plan also outlines HEFCE’s proposals ones that undertake the research for them for identifying excellence in teaching, “becoming the regional or sub-regional rewarding 70 centres of excellence and focus for intensive engagement with business and the community”. HEFCE has set two targets for improving links between higher education and the community – to 24 – 724-7 is a full week of constant demonstrate a year-on-year improvement prayer. It kicked off yesterday in interactions of all intuitions with business with the sounds of Nige our and the community by 2005, and to develop pumping resident DJ and will objective measures of what is delivered in continue through to Wednesday 28th March. If you wanna be a part the period up to 2008. of it, the chaplaincy (Surrey Court) Another target set for institutions: “By 2006 is the place to be. Either email it expects all institutions’ corporate plans [email protected] and book a to identify clearly how the institution will slot or just turn up. If you can’t get develop and sustain distinctive research there but you want a bit of prayer excellence in one or more of its areas then email your requests to the of relative strength, and its plans for above address. collaboration related to its mission.” 20 March 2003 NEWS 3 University officials visit Southway underpass for campaign

FOLLOWING A VISIT to the Southway underpass be working with the community, the local police and the Vice last week, the Vice-Chancellor and other council and some technical specialists to try Chancellor helps to senior officials of the University are starting and see whether we can find a solution that draw it all together. to look for solutions to the on-going safety works.” He is the man with problems. The chief security advisor to UniS, Mr the clout.” When Talking to Xan Philips, a GU2 presenter, Tony Watling, was also present in the party, asked what happens Professor Patrick Dowling said: “I was very advised students never to walk through the next, Ms Borneo anxious to come down here to see th nature underpasses by themselves. He added that – the Education & of the porbelm and it is something that needs though the police do patrol the area as often Welfare officer of the resolving. This is a potentially dangerous as possible, they cannot always make it and Students’ Union said: area for our female members in particular if that “sureveillnace cameras would certainly “Everybody is been they come through late at night and unless improve th situation and give [security and actioned on slightly something can be done, it will continue to the police] the opportunity to reposbd if different remits: the be worrying.” there is a problem.” council are looking His sentiments were echoed by the Director Campaign coordinator Toni Borneo was for funding and the of Corporate Services, Greg Melly, who said: pleased with the evening’s proceedings: university are looking “This is a problem that needs to be resolved. “With a bit of pressure we have managed at technical plans and We have to make sure this is a safe journey to get people down here. We have been what costs might be for everyone.” When asked how this might lucky with the local MP Sue Doughty as involved. A little further down the line Above: the Vice Chancellor talking to Toni Borneo in be achieved, Mr Melly highlighted the she is helping to mobilise the council and will come the discussion regarding who is the Southway underpass last week Photo: Paul Wright people he will be working with to find a our connections through security have actually going to pay for this.” barefacts and the bulletin board at possible solution to the problems: “I will been helpful in gaining the support of the For further updates, keep checking www.ussu.co.uk.

Rolls-Royce purrs Patten emerges winner and becomes Oxford Chancellor onto campus CHRIS PATTEN IS to don his robes as Oxford BY PHILIP HOWARD chancellor – EU commissioner, last governor NEWS EDITOR BY PHILIP HOWARD of Hong Kong. And “pleased as punch”. NEWS EDITOR Reputedly higher education’s ‘grandest’ posts will be held more easily once he has position, the chancellor of Oxford, has left his job in the EU next year. IN A PRESS release on Monday, the been given to Chris Patten, who will He appears to be somewhat pleased about university announced that “Rolls-Royce succeed Roy Jenkins, beating off stiff his appointment: “I am as pleased as punch. plc has selected the University of Surrey’s competition from the senior law lord, Lord I’m coming back to Oxford this weekend School of Engineering to host a University Bingham of Cornhill. In a vote under the to a party at Balliol, and my priorities Technology Centre (UTC), for its expertise single transferable voting system, 8,000 now are to see the vice-chancellor and get in fluid dynamics and thermodynamics.”. members of convocation – both graduates fully briefed on fundraising issues. I have Adding to the various other centres on and senior members of staff – voted, with also promised Will Straw [president of campus obviously delighted the very Prof Patten getting 4,203, 1,720 ahead of Lord the Oxford University Students’ Union] Patrick Dowling; “’I am delighted that the Bingham. 100,000 students were eligible to that I will see him, which will probably be www.funkyberry.com University of Surrey has been successful vote, so providing an 8% turn out. this weekend. It really is a great honour in being awarded this contract. We are Patten is to be installed in the post before to be given the chance to deal with the extremely proud to be associated with such the Encaenia, the official degree ceremony, university’s many important challenges over a prestigious organisation as Rolls-Royce allowing him to confer degrees on the next few years. I am looking forward to and I am confident that the quality of our individuals. He is already the chancellor of it enormously.” Above: Chris Patten - the new Chancellor of Oxford University engineering research will add value and Newcastle University, and he says the two further excellence.” It will not be the first such centre, with Sir Sykes condemns funding split the Surrey team working closely with an existing UTC at Sussex led by Dr Peter SIR RICHARD SYKES, Rector of Imperial institutions should focus entirely one Childs. The basic research done at Surrey College London, has said that “moves to teaching has raised objections. I have to could apply to any of Rolls-Royce’ 4 main create teaching-only institutions will result admit that I have problems in accepting that business areas; civil aerospace, defence in a clearer stratification of higher education the highest quality teaching can be delivered aerospace, marine or energy. The funding than we currently admit to” writes Philip by those divorced from active engagement for the centre will be provided by a five Howard. Despite Imperial being one of the in research.” year ‘rolling contract’ from Rolls-Royce, four top research institutions to get a third This was not to say that Sir Richard with the centre “expected to attract funding of government research funding, he said that condemns the extra funding his university is from other sources such as Engineering and he did not believe that “the highest quality of receiving: “There appears to be agreement Physical Sciences Research Council and the teaching can be delivered by those divorced that only top-quality work is worth pursuing European Community.”. Below: a very nice Rolls Royce from active engagement in research” reports with vigour – otherwise we might as well the THES. read the results of research in the journals The government’s White Paper heralded available to everyone. While I welcome the beginning of a campaign to divorce such thinking, the consequences will not be funding for high quality teaching and comfortable for everyone.” funding for high quality research, pushing The Association of University Teachers’ institutions to specialise in one or the other. also believed that research and teaching In particular, many have condemned the should remain linked. If, as Sir Richard concentration of research funding to just the believes, teaching-only institutions will very top institutions. become second-rate, then this means that This was to be expected, explains Sykes: the government has forced the future of “But giving more to fewer will inevitably Higher Education in the wrong direction. mean that some research groups find With regard the federal UniS, their teaching funding meagre or absent. As you can well funding is some 14 times the size of the imagine, not all are happy. The concept research funding, and as such conform to that some individuals, groups or whole the government ideal. 4 OPINION 20 March 2003

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected]

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION UNION HOUSE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY Management student responds to article GUILDFORD GU2 7XH WWW.USSU.CO.UK Dear barefacts, I hope that some recognition of my side of the story will be recognised in next week’s What barefacts thinks of Iraq I am the student that supposedly “sees barefacts and that I will receive a reply. visions”, (“Student ‘sees visions’ in new You would have noticed that, in general, what they do and no matter who you are, a business management school” barefacts Many thanks, there has been a distinct lack of national student newspaper could never rival them. 1054). MIKE FERGUSON and international news coverage in barefacts To compensate for the lack of news cover- May I first of all say that I totally agree over the last academic year, most notably age, the comment section foudn after the with the sentiments expressed regarding the when it comes to the possible conflict in the news was intended to convey some of the seemingly endless delays on the completion Reply: Middle East. issues that are in the news at the time of pub- of the new business school. I am frustrated barefacts apologises earnestly to Mr The reasons for this are two-fold: first of lication and ti is hoped that these columns as well as it was part of the reason I came Ferguson and would like thank him for all, barefacts is only a weekly newspaper have provided you with insight and debate, here. However, I feel the tone of article in taking the time to establish contact with us. and therefore cannot remain as up-to-date as well as some rudimentary information relation to me was a bit harsh for a couple We did indeed attempt to try and contact Mr as any daily newspaper or indeed any news concerning current issues. of reasons. Firstly I was asked to do this Ferguson, but found it difficult to extract this website. It would be inappropriate for this Thus, the decision was made that barefacts Biopic for the 2004 prospectus in the middle information from current records given the paper to attempt to cover such news when should not attempt to present any news of my first term before Christmas and at that nature of the story we were investigating. time constraints are thus in place. coverage and continue to concentrate on its stage I along with a lot of other students It was never the intention of barefacts to In a similar vein, the newspapers and web- student-based news that, for the main part, were under the impression that the business harm Mr Ferguson and we are thus more sites that cover such stories are absolutely has been the staple diet of the first few pages school would be open and being used by than happy to publish any further comments qulaified for such tasks - that is, after all, this year. the time the prospectus was published . he would like to post. Secondly when I wrote the biopic I asked It is unfortunate that a student be caught up and was informed that what I had written in such a story and barefacts acknowledges would be proof read by the marketing that it was unfair to use such a student in THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK department, so if they knew it would not be such a fashion. “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ready they should have cut it out or amended the quote to “The brand new management HENREY YOUNGMAN (1906 - ) school will provide ...” Also I am a bit dissapointed that for an If you have anything you would like to article that quotes me and my name directly write to barefacts about, please e-mail the on the front page of your publication my following address: [email protected]. Is this student politics or merely opinions were not sought and my side of the We will do our best to accommodate each Whingefest 2003? story was not sought. letter received.

IT’S BEING SHOUTED from the above the war on Iraq. Whose rooftops, it’s being typed in ears are they hoping to bend? “Lights. Camera. Action.” reaction emails, it’s being muttered in The other students, of whom horror. War is coming. War is a fair few will understand the Dear [barefacts], Dear barefacts, coming, and there’s nothing overriding importance of the we can do to stop it. War is international crisis, and the I read with interest the article in the Surrey I am astonished by the hypocrisy of the coming and students fees are rest are already well aware Advertise dated 7th March regarding the local Liberal Democrats. It was reported too high? Because of course of how badly wrong they concerns of many people having to use the last week that they support the ‘Lights, that’s top of the agenda when PHILIP HOWARD think the government has underpasses that link the University with Camera, Action’ campaign to improve we’re about to go to war. Get got it? The students’ parents, Park Barn, the RSCH and Tescos. pedestrian safety in public subways near a grip. perhaps, although more of I am 74 years of age, very active and enjoy Uni. It was only last week at Guildford “What should be at the top Whether you’re one of the them will be more concerned walking to Tescos and visiting friends in Borough Council’s Executive meeting that of the agenda: justifications many thousands who will with the war. People entirely Park Barn at least twice a week. I live quite the Lib Dems rejected proposals to improve for war or the quibbling the safety of those very subways, identified undoubtedly turn up this middle classes?” unconnected (currently) with near the University and have to use what I weekend for a war march the world of students and top- call the “Tescos” underpass. I am becoming as danger zones in last weeks edition! mkII, or one of the apparently up fees, then, but why on earth more and more apprehensive about using There was enough money to cover the few who can only see the damage of would they remotely care about student fees this route. I have never been involved with improvements within the Council’s budget; leaving Saddam in place, surely you can in the current political climate? an incident I have had to report, but often however, because the plans were proposed see the priorities here. Which should we No, those who are campaigning on the feel intimidated when rowdy youths pass by the Conservatives, and there are elections be putting at the top of our agenda, to let streets for any cause besides Iraq this week insulting remarks to myself and sometimes coming up, they voted against them. The the government know what we think? The are thoroughly misguided – their issue is not to young school-children. On occasions Lib Dems have always been the party of justifications for war, or the quibbling of the as important right now, and besides ignoring when I have caught the bus to Park Barn, inconsistency, but this takes the biscuit! downtrodden middle classes? the sensitivities of the government, they are I hear many people of my age and younger There are, of course, those who think the ignoring the sensitivities of the public too. say they would prefer to walk, but the Yours sincerely, war can somehow be prevented, even now, Of those who will be campaigning about thought of using the underpass deters them. MIKE CHAMBERS by marching in the streets or writing angry Iraq this week, the misguided group that Last year, it took the Highways department CONSERVATIVE SOCIETY CHAIRPERSON letters. Well to be frank, the cabinet is not thinks the war can yet be stopped by people several months to repair 5 lights that were going to look out of its collective window, parading their allegiances on the streets out of action due to vandalism. I hope any nor open its mail until this is over. When clearly missed the vacuum of government future improvements will not take so long. In a series of recent letters, Chris Ward it comes to war, everything else is put on reaction following the last march. I would like to offer any help I can to you in has written in a personal capacity and hold. Like selling cricket tickets before the World the hope that a solution can be quickly found not in his position as literature editor of What’s more puzzling than the selfish Cup, nobody cares today because nobody is to improve the safety of poor forgotten this newspaper. barefacts would like arrogance that puts students fees above the listening. Is it student politics? Or is it just pedestrians. to apologise for any suggestion to the war, though, is the mindset that assumes whingefest 2003? If it is the latter, then the contrary or confusion caused as a result anyone else – besides, of course, fellow NUS has sent its tanks into action. Yours faithfully, of these letters. disgruntled students – would put student fees [email protected] JOAN BAILEY 20 March 2003 OPINION 5 Get over the Playboy fantasy and leave us all alone, please An evening out at the Union spoilt by small-minded people leads Daniella How to wonder about those around her

TO STATE THE facts: I am bisexual and very she didn’t). I do know they the Union. He still had or satisfying any sexual fantasies you may much “out”. I have always felt comfortable showed a fair bit of interest DANIELLA HOW the cheek ask her out and have. being such on the University campus. No in her, but she had explained tried to find out if we were Apart from these two guys, I would like secret, no bigee. she was with me. I started to “Men take note: there are interested in them. to say that the usual CAGL crowd was very Saturday night I took a friend, celebrating feel less comfortable when real gay women who have Throughout this, and the welcoming and, other than a few shocked her birthday, to CAGL, thinking gay people they continued to watch no interest in satisfying any evening, security, or safety first years, we were well received. Afew would be tolerated and even accepted in the where ever we moved and sexual fantasies you have.” as their shirts describe them, girls (who I think are most likely to feel Union (as fellow gay and lesbian friends they took, what I felt, too where no where near the threatened) expressed their support and it have been in the past), and most importantly much of an interest, so I suggested she come floor. I was told Monday morning that there is much appreciated. However I will still I thought it would be a safe environment to down to the dance floor, where they still were too few people to concern themselves hesitate before ever bringing another guest enjoy a good night out. followed and continued to follow us across with, despite there being a major DJ on the to the Union; I cannot guarantee that they She and I were rather enamoured of each the floor when we moved. decks. I was told they had been at reception will not be harassed or assaulted. other and didn’t hide it. However we She had lent them her lighter a little earlier, all along and I should have gone directly It’s a very big mixed world out there. You did nothing which I, or friends, felt was a sentimental object from her homeland of to them, where I did not know them to be. are going to come across many different “inappropriate” (better put, provoking): Australia. When she tried to retrieve it, she Reviewing the situation, I feel that by the people of various ethnicities’, religion, dancing together, light pecks, an occasional was first greeted first with lies. She finally time I had reached security and had not backgrounds and sexual orientation, on snog and hugs - far less than any straight got it in her hands and the man who had it taken the action I did, my friend may well campus as well as off. Think of this: when couple could acceptably do in public. I’m crushed her hands around it. Trying to get have been hit or worse. Bar/club fights do you start your careers, if a big client were to not naive to how offensive some people free, she pushed him on the inside of the leg move very quickly into violence, as this one come to a work do with her girlfriend, would find gay couples “expressing themselves” to get him off balance. He responded by did, and you do need a presence to watch any man dare to hit on and harass the clients in public, so we did keep it toned down kneeing her in the groin. When I saw this over people who are tanked up with large partner? Even if we are gay, please give compared to what we would feel safe with happen I rushed over and intervened. When quantities of alcohol, even if it just stops us the same respect you should be giving in a gay club, but there is no need for us to he saw me, he let go quickly, but then both silly behaviour that can cause injury. every other woman. We are NOT here to feel ashamed and hide. men chased after us as we moved across the What concerns me so very much more fulfil your fantasy and the Union is not the My friend, not wanting to dance all night, dance floor. At this point I threatened the is that 2 women together on a dance floor Playboy mansion. took a walk around the Union. When I found more violent one. seemed an open invitation to these men. I And really, if you don’t like it, live with it! her, she was in light conversation with two, They held off at a distance of just over am aware that straight women often use this seemingly charming, guys. I don’t know if a metre, but wherever we moved, they tactic to gain men’s interest (mores the pity), If you have any questions about they were students or not. Don’t know the followed. Eventually my friend called but guys, please take note, there are real gay homosexuality or coming out, please full contents of the speech, but I very much the quieter Irish guy over and convinced women out there, who have no interest in contact the LGBT society on campus doubt that she led them on (and to her word him to remove himself and his friend from turning their night into your entertainment [email protected] Can someone tell me: why are Guildford drivers so abysmal? Is there a sign on the A3 urging drivers to ignore all the usual traffic signals?Chris Bradshaw wonders whether this is true

THE TIME HAS come to write something. I feel we must pay tribute violet-lit, over-sized spoilers kids’ friends’ plays dodge the cars whilst HRIS RADSHAW Apparently my rants with my friends to the teams of workmen C B and rumbling bass boxes trying to cross the road. over a pint or five in Chancellors are not who travel round Guildford are not immune. True, they Another example of the distressing parking improving the situation. Why, oh why are painting white dashes on the “Is there a sign three miles burn lots of rubber pulling habits of Guildford drivers can be found in the car drivers in Guildford so abysmal? Is road. Given the number of up the A3 reading ‘Please away quickly, but they then either of our towns’ supermarket car parks. ignore all usual traffic laws there a sign three miles up the A3 reading lines, they have obviously have to catch up with the van Here, your Guildford driver must get into beyond this point’”? "Please ignore all usual traffic laws beyond spent quite some time doing driver who understands the one of those three spaces closet to shop. One this point? this, and the Guildford lights properly and is twenty row away from the front door is not good I’ll start with indicators. For those of you driver makes the most of this effort by yards ahead. enough, even if this involves stopping and in your final year, who’ve been in Guildford spending as much time as possible with their You’d think that when parked they’d be waiting five minutes whilst an old dear loads for 4 years and may have forgotten, these are wheels evenly spread across these lines. safe, no chance I’m afraid. Look at the her car- as long as you’re nicely blocking the little amber lights located on the outside Then, spontaneously it would seem, they cars parking on the pavement, yes, fine, the traffic trying to get to the empty row just corners of the car. They flash to INDICATE play a game of "how many times can we sometimes mounting the kerb is the best past you, that’s fine. the driver intends to change direction. See, cross the line". Roundabouts in Guildford thing to do, it keeps your car out of the way If you want to contribute to the barerant, even the name explains what they are for. are the ultimate example of this- well, I call of passing vehicles. But in Guildford drivers then please do: [email protected] However, the people driving round them roundabouts, in fact they are locally take this a step further, parking with all four Guildford seem to think that the only purpose called "across-abouts" because when going wheels on the pavement, totally blocking it of that little stick by the steering wheel is to straight on you don’t follow your lane to even pedestrian passers by, let alone those make tick-tock noises in time with the latest round, you cut straight across getting your in wheelchairs or with pushchairs. NOTICES tune on your radio. Take turning right at right hand tyres as close to the centre of the The time they do park on the road, they Culture & Events Committee 24th March a roundabout for example; traditionally junction as possible. pick the strangest places. Again, it must be 6pm Lecture Theatre F you activate the RIGHT hand indicator on The reason everyone has to take such short- a celebration of those hours worked by the Societies Standing on the 24th March has your approach to the junction, and then the cuts must be down to all the dawdling they do chaps and their paint tins. Double yellow been CANCELLED LEFT hand one at the point where your the rest of the time. A prime example of this lines are a favourite stopping place, our Madsoc AGM Wednesday 26th March 5pm chosen exit is coming up. Not in Guildford dawdling occurs at Guildford’s many sets very own Union Hill is a good example, Union Committee Room you don’t, the standard method of tackling of traffic lights. Again, to remind those of where the double-yellowed hatched and GU2 AGM Thursday 27th March 6.15pm such a manoeuvre here is to approach the you who’ve been here too long to remember marked "KEEP-CLEAR" area seems to be Union Committee Room junction in the left-hand most lane(s) you how people usually drive, green means the first place to fill up. Campus is not the can possibly get into. As soon as you cross go, red means stop and yellow means get only victim though; any of you who pass This is an apology to the Afro-Caribbean onto the roundabout, turn your right hand ready. Yet, you arrive at some traffic lights schools on your way into lectures will see Society for missing their name off the indicator on, then switch to the left hand one behind another vehicle, the lights change all the groups of cars parked on "School-Keep description of International Gala. This was after two "tick" noises. You will find at this the way to green, and THEN the driver in Clear" markings, even if the surrounding me being fat handed and tired and was in point you have to pass several other exits front decides to drop their makeup/razor, put stretches of road are clear. The parental no way a reflection of their performance, with the left hand indicator on before you their car in gear, release the handbrake and tactic in Guildford seems to be to park on which was in fact, a brilliant show of the leave the roundabout. then, eventually, pull away. Even the towns these markings, drop your kids off and then many different cultures within their society. Roundabouts remind me of another issue. numerous boy racers, sporting their ultra- chat with other mums. In the meantime your Charlotte Dawson 6 FEATURE 20 March 2003 Why I am not against the idea of a war in Iraq Taking another look at the situation in Iraq, Graeme Phillips reacts against the growing anti-war movement and looks in detail at the countries and issues involved in the on-going diplomatic talks

I feel compelled to write this article because France and Germany wish to regain their given the recent anti-war protests, the other power. There was recently a European side of the argument has been consistently parliament restructure intended to allocate misrepresented. I am also writing this votes according to population; France had because I am not quite willing to believe a disproportionately large amount and that there isn’t a single person in the student knew they would lose some and so opposed community who is in favour of the idea of it. Given that many Eastern European a war in Iraq. In addition to this, I believe countries back the USA and France and that an excess of political correctness has Germany don’t, Jacques Chirac has tried to made a rational discussion of the subject bully the prospective states by threatening almost impossible and seek to correct this by to jeopardise their membership plans if they pointing out that the motives for supporting didn’t vote in line with France’s stance. a war might not be so bad after all and that France and Germany would like to win as there are also some people opposed to war this would send out a message that they still who have slightly questionable motives. rule Europe with an iron rod. Part of the conflict comes from different priorities of tried using the opposition to war to try and Many question the motives of the UK and The Motives of the Opponents different countries. For better or for worse, bring themselves back into the limelight. US governments in supporting a war. Some One of the main opposition countries is bureaucracy is part of France’s culture. Damian Albarn from Blur for instance say it is to do with oil, but this is not terribly Russia. Looking at Russia’s economics, was very keen to do this. How else could accurate when we all know they could quite there has been a recent economic boom in someone in his position get back into the easily get access to Iraq’s oil if they removed Russia, which looked to be slowing down limelight? all sanctions. We also have to ask ourselves slightly, as oil prices were high during the I have also been led to believe that not the question of whether organisations like boom, then before 11/9, they were falling “Russia should be all of the reason for students taking part in Al-Qaeda will target the USA or Continental slightly, now they are rising. If the USA/UK anti-war protests is motivated by altruism. Europe first if they decide to launch an etc successfully invaded Iraq with minimal supporting the USA It is a well-known fact that it is trendy even attack against the West; I would go for the damage, oil prices would drop dramatically, today for students to take part in protests for former. as they did soon after the Gulf war ended. as a matter of left-wing causes. I would almost go as far Russia is hardly going to use its vote in as saying from my own experiences as a The Past the Security Council in a way that would obligation in all of student so far that it is a rite of passage to At the moment, nobody really doubts the restrict their oil income. When the Ba’ath take part in a protest. When you head off sort of things that Saddam Hussein has party came to power, western governments this, given that this to university, it is only natural to want to done in the past. He has used gas attacks supported them through lack of a better do all the things that students do, like drink a number of times, particularly against the alternative because there was no other whole mess is partly till dawn then barf up, have hangovers, Kurds. There are a lot of weapons that realistic way to stop the USSR taking over fornicate, take part in a protest for a left- are known to have been made, particularly the region. Consequently, Russia should the USSR’s fault.” wing cause of some sort, etc. chemical ones, but were not accounted for be supporting the USA in this as a matter I would also argue that the motives of many in the dossier. I personally think Iraq should of obligation, given that this whole mess is Islamic countries are less than philanthropic either show the inspectors these weapons partly the USSR’s fault. in their opposition to war. Many Gulf or give them the papers documenting the France and Germany’s motives are equally Even when an EU panel chaired by a countries are not currently democratised and destruction of the weapons. Throughout contemptible. Their opposition is in my Frenchman declared that British beef was their leaders are afraid that a democratised the whole process since the end of the opinion more out of a desire to gain power safe to eat, the French were still saying that Iraq could jeopardise their power in that Gulf war, Saddam has been making small over Europe than out of altruism. France they weren’t sure it was safe and wanted to democracy movements would be formed all concessions by destroying small amounts and Germany after WWII were doing well wait and see that it was before legalising it. across the Gulf region. It is also notable that of weapons. The Al-Samud missiles are an after the war and they wielded considerable It is the same now: - the French are saying many Gulf countries have governments that example. However, concessions are neither influence in Europe after the reconstructive that they aren’t sure Saddam is a threat and are at least partly theocratic and know that here nor their as far as Saddam is concerned period. These days, their dominance is want to wait for endless rounds of weapons a democratised Gulf would entail freedom as he still has plenty left and at the rate he threatened as Europe is decentralising at inspections to take place before they concede of religion, which could mean people is making these sorts of concessions, there breakneck speed. France and Germany’s he is a threat. The USA is slightly different converting away from Islam en masse. In is no likelihood of him having none left any economies are in recession or nearly so, for better or for worse as the culture is consideration of 4:89 in the Qur’an, it is not time soon. I personally think that it is a whereas peripheral European economies results orientated. George W. Bush cannot difficult to see why they are not prepared to complete disgrace that this matter has been like Eire, Spain and potential EU member realistically win the next election if it is seen stand by and let this happen. On the other allowed to drag on so long. It should have states have quite high economic growth that he hasn’t done anything about the Iraq hand, the United Arab Emirates has complete been sorted out to everyone’s satisfaction rates at the moment. When the prospective problem. freedom of religion and it is among the Gulf soon after the end of the Gulf War. The USA countries join the EU, the EU as well will I have also become rather annoyed by the States mildest in their opposition to war; in has in the past had a tendency to not bother decentralise dramatically. way a lot of once-were-celebrities have fact the UAE was the country that proposed with any rogue states unless they were a the idea of Saddam Hussein going into exile. short-term threat. After 11/9, it became It is perhaps a lost cause getting Islamic obvious that this was not a good idea and nations to support us against Iraq anyway that the US government’s apathetic attitude as they Qur’an also forbids Muslims to take towards the Taleban was clearly a bad idea. non-Muslims as friends in preference to The USA was always used to terrorism and non-believers. Many Islamic countries then support for terrorism against itself occurring refuse to support a war on that basis. It is elsewhere. They have finally woken up and however gross hypocrisy for countries like changed this rather dangerous attitude. I Saudi Arabia and Kuwait to quite happily will quite happily acknowledge that there allow US troops to be stationed on their soil, are plenty of Muslims in the University and given that they know Saddam would invade around the world who don’t approve of 11/9 them if they weren’t there. at all, who didn’t take part in this and who 20 March 2003 FEATURE 7

Further opportunities with the V-project Moving on to the end of semester, Alli Cummings takes a look at the final opportunities available with thw V-project before the end of the spring semester

HERE ARE TWO more opportunities with the V- dancing and games. This is going to be a and you’ll get your certificate. I will be project. Cranleigh RDA is a riding school, huge event with 2 university bands playing sending everybody who has signed up to V which is based (surprisingly!) in Cranleigh. and ballroom dancers helping the golden an Evaluation Form in the post, I’ll remind The school has been set up to provide indoor oldies to strut their stuff finished off with a you by email and you can get a form from and outdoor riding sessions for disabled big game of bingo. So if you would like to the Students Union so there is no excuse people where the purpose of the school get involved by doing absolutely anything for not filling in a form and claiming your is to ““provide disabled people with the from preparing lunch, to being a dance certificate. opportunity to ride which will benefit their partner or bingo caller then please do get You will notice by the way that there health & well being”. Sessions are run on in touch. is a 3rd page to the form which focuses Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday on DAVE (Development, Accreditation, and yet again the riding school would really Volunteering certificates Volunteering & Employability) and the like more volunteers. The added bonus with A quick reminder to all of the existing purpose of this page is for you to show how this project is that while you should really volunteers (GU2 members, Community you have developed some key skills such like horses and want to help disabled people, Volunteers, Society committees, A Team as communication or time management you don’t need to be able to ride as you will members – anybody who has done any through volunteering. If you complete this doing anything from helping the riders to volunteering) that it is time to GET YOUR part of the form it is possible that you can put on their boots, to tacking up and leading CERTIFICATES! To get your certificate get bonus points towards DAVE, see how the horses round the yard. you need to complete a V Evaluation Form kind we are! Just to remind you as well that it is going where you tell me what kind of volunteering On a more serious note though please to be one of the last ,if not the last, A-Team you’ve been doing and once you’ve brought remember that if you don’t fill in your form volunteering. The deadline for bringing in events this weekend!. The Golden Oldies this in to the Students Union (there is a you will not receive your certificate and you these evaluation forms is next Friday 28th Jazz Dance is being held on Saturday in special drop off point in the activity centre), won’t be able to come along to the award March. University Hall to give some local elderly I will then just get your project leader to ceremony so you will have nothing from the If you want any more information, please people a great day out with loads of food, verify that you have been volunteering Students Union to prove that you have been contact [email protected].

are perfectly peace-loving people, but say doing nothing would be even more foolhardy with a heavy heart that I have witnesses who than the proverbial sledgehammer being say that there was a large crowd of Muslims used to crack a nut. If influential people who gathered to celebrate the attacks in the are opposed to war, they should at least University. As a result, maybe it is time the come up with a better alternative. If they British public stopped kidding itself that the propose another inspection, they ought to perpetrators and the supporters of events say how they are convinced that they would like these only exist in the Middle East ever recover weapons of mass destruction and woke up to the fact that they can exist in such a sparsely populated country like on our doorstep, or else we could face dire Iraq if there weren’t any. Inevitably, some consequences. innocent lives will be lost in action against would not have a chance of finding them if process. It is also notable that a peaceful Iraq, but they should weigh that up with the The Present Iraq chose to hide them. Middle East would require us to spend less possibility of more innocent Iraqis dying at Many would like to claim that opposition I am also starting to tire of hearing people money on defence in the long term; money Saddam’s hands. to war is growing at an astronomical rate. arguing against a war on the basis of cost. that could be spent elsewhere. I think it is true to say that ultimately, I would however disagree with this. BBC Yes, I know that students are in financial One must also consider the position that the most of us in the West would really like to News 24 showed some statistics that said difficulties, that schools are under-funded, politicians deciding what is going to happen see a peaceful Iraq emerge, where human that a few months ago, only 11% of the that the NHS is in turmoil, that council tax is are in. I would say that particularly George rights are followed as well as anywhere British public would back an invasion rising etc, but I think those opposed to war W. Bush is in a position where he is damned here and for the Iraqi people to live in without a resolution. Last week that figure are considering the cost in the short term and if he does and damned if he doesn’t. If he peace, prosperity, security etc. Although was 19%. When this topic first came into not the long term. It goes without saying that goes to war, people will inevitably not like it we still have disagreements now and then discussion again late last year, the polls a war will cost us a lot in the defence budget, and ask him why he is being a bullyboy. with them, we managed to make decidedly all showed that the American public as a but if we could sort the whole issue out, then If he doesn’t and another 11/9 occurs, peaceful nations out of Germany and Japan whole were only in favour of a war if there oil prices would drop dramatically. If we people will be calling him to account for after WWII. It is certainly true to say that was UN backing. However, that view has developed an Iraq that had the conditions for not doing anything to prevent it, as could most people in the Middle East would been dwindling as they have noticed that economic development, we could trade with have been the case if he had been in power rather dictate their own affairs without many influential members of the UN would it, causing the Iraqi economy to recover and when the Taleban emerged. Compare this interference, but on the other hand, many rather indulge in anti-Americanism, seeking making our own country wealthier in the to Jacques Chirac who knows that there of them would find it extremely sad if there a solution for their own personal ends (as I is no realistic likelihood of France being were ultimately an agreement along the lines described earlier) rather than seek a solution “Although we still have attacked, he knows he can comfortably wait of “you stay out of my face, I’ll stay out of that is equable to everybody. until something actually happens before he your face”, which would result in the West I am sure that the US public would have disagreements now and actually admits there may be a problem, and the Middle East going their separate liked a diplomatic solution initially even especially given that the French public ways. Even though Al-Qaeda seeks to tap if their government didn’t, but France and then, we managed to oppose war as a whole. into popular misery, most of us in the West Germany are and were constantly seeking to and Middle East would really like to be able slow down the process of getting a resolution make decidedly peaceful The Future to coexist with one another peacefully. by means of the bureaucracy of demanding nations out of Germany From the point of view of the West, I would endless inspections, which I think are no use say that taking an excessively aggressive Please note that this article was written because Iraq is such a huge country that we and Japan.” stance against Iraq would be very bad, but before the developments earlier last week. 8 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 20 March 2003 Skeletons in Oscar Film Unit’s cupboard Continuing the Surrey Alumni Society’s “blast from the past” series, Andy Gale takes a look at some of the older days at UniS’ film society.

THERE’S SOMETHING QUITE distressing townsfolk as part of 1969’s Rag Week finally got round to watching them we about ogling a trailer load of scantily- Slave Market. And that’s only some of realised that we had been sitting on a bit clad women and then realising that, by the shenanigans those sixties students of Surrey’s history that could so easily now, they must be old enough to be your got up to – they can also be seen have remained hidden away for another mother. That was the experience that a strutting through Sainsbury’s in wetsuits thirty years before anyone decided to few of us Oscar Film Unit members had harpooning packets of fish fingers, give them a wider audience. Many of the when we decided to sit down and watch floating down the Wey on a lilo in the films were starting to decay, so myself the stacks of old films that lurked at the snow, and watching Deep Purple at the and a few other past OFUers have back of lecture theatre G. Civic Hall. It’s a pity the film is silent! set ourselves the task of transferring It might surprise you to know Surrey’s But there are more gems on those reels. them to video and CD-ROM for others oldest film society – Oscar Film Unit – We found footage of the construction of to share. If you want to know more is older than the University itself, and on Battersea and Surrey Courts, lecturers about the films we found, then visit those reels of old film is the evidence to dressing up as a pantomime cow and www.xillennia.com/films/ofu/ or email prove it. Although OFU has been better parading around campus, bed races me at [email protected]. known in recent years for showing films, through Battersea, and the ‘OFU Sex As you may know, OFU has recently it used to spend most of its time making Film’, a DIY porn film shot in a Stag got back in to film making, producing films, especially in the days when the Hill Court bedroom. Shot in a Stag modern classics such as Jaws In The University of Surrey was still Battersea Hill Court bedroom from the knee Library and River Sports Day 2000. College. downwards, I might add. Who knows, in thirty years time The scantily-clad women in question, All these bits of Surrey’s history had someone may be rummaging at the back I should perhaps explain, were being been lurking in a cupboard at the back of of Lecture Theatre G and find footage paraded through Guildford on the LTG whilst we were busy projecting the of you! back of a lorry before being sold to latest Hollywood blockbuster. When we

Dr Russ takes a look at This is the word-crossing crossword recruitment agencies you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semester

IN CASE YOU’RE not We are often asked how Here we are once again with the crossword. Sorry about the confusion over the exactly sure what to track down agencies last couple of weeks, what with the wrong answer grids or wrong clues or wrong they do, recruitment who deal with particular somethings. Hopefully this week is all present and correct. You know who to call agencies try to find jobs. Fortunately, there if it isn’t. though: the e-mail is [email protected] suitable candidates for is a very comprehensive employers. Views about directory on the website their value vary from www.rec.uk.com “I wouldn’t touch them which lists them all with a barge-pole” to according to their areas DR RUSS CLARK “There’s no way I would of specialism. A leaflet have got my job without in the Careers Service their help”. So why are “It is illegal for agencies to will tell you more about they so controversial? charge you for their services recruitment agencies in First of all, graduates - they make money by general. Another way to often worry that it will charging companies.” find out the particularly be expensive to use active agencies is to scan an agency. Actually, the advertisement pages it is illegal for them to charge you for in appropriate journals e.g. Personnel their services. They make their money Today or Computer Weekly. The by charging the employer who asked chances are that the agencies advertising them to deal with the vacancy in the there will tend to specialise in that area first place. Remember, though, that and you can give them a ring to see what because they only make money from else they’ve got on their books. placing you, they are therefore likely to Once you have found an agency, all encourage you to accept a job offer even you need to do is get in touch. They may if you’re not entirely happy with it. ask for your CV or ask you to fill out one Second, new graduates sometimes find of their own forms. They will also ask agencies are unhelpful when they first you what job you have in mind so you contact them. The reason is simple. must think this through beforehand. If Agencies are mainly interested in people they prove to be unhelpful, it’s probably who have experience relevant to their because they don’t have vacancies for clients’ needs. New graduates cannot someone with your background. always provide this, hence the cold Finally, you may like to know that in shoulder. However, University of Surrey some years as many as 10% of Surrey’s graduates who have a Professional Year graduates obtain their first job through under their belt are not in this position an agency. For me this is convincing and agencies are likely to show much evidence that they are worth using. more interest. www.surrey.ac.uk/careers MUSIC COMPETITIONS four pages of the all three winners an- coolest, funkiest nounced of the three bands in the world. of competitions we’ve course, you might not been running for the have heard of them... last three weeks

No alarms and no surprises as Kevin Spacey does Kevin Spacey

Kate Winslet manages a poor American accent whilst Kevin Spacey portrays the Life of David Gale. Sacrificing truth for provocation, there’s not much but a hidden moral message says Rich Watts

THE LIFE OF David Gale is an Ever since The Usual Suspects and unfortunate result of attempting to deal his uncredited performance in Se7en, with a sensitive issue whilst trying to Kevin Spacey seems to have found hold the attention of an easily distracted himself in the somewhat baffling cinema audience. It hovers somewhere position of an actor who can continue between the moral high-ground and a to take lead roles in which men are Hollywood ‘drama’ whilst somewhere invariably falling apart. The Shipping Gale satisfies all requirements and in the middle, Kate Winslet remains News and K-Pax both starred the is a suitable, if not uncomfortable full-figured and Kevin Spacey remains, troubled Spacey shuffling along to evening’s entertainment for a viewer well, troubled. some sort of surrender, often to critical who expects nothing more than Kevin David Gale (Spacey) is a philosophy dismay given the evidence of his earlier Spacey being Kevin Spacey. That its lecturer who finds himself on death work. Even in the somewhat dreary ending ultimately does as little for row for the rape and murder of a female Negotiator with the great Samuel L. those who are against the death penalty colleague. A man with a colourful past, Jackson, Spacey managed screen- as it does for those who are for it, he has been accused previously of rape, presence equal to that of his co-star, however, seems a little inappropriate, has an alcoholism problem and as a sum simply by displaying a bit of backbone not only because of the message it total of all his problems has separated and assertiveness; the combination of implies in terms of the death penalty, from his wife; he is also a member of troubled man with assertive tendencies, but because it also suggests the film is “death-watch” – an abolitionist group one could argue, landed him the Oscar trying to be provocative as opposed to that opposes the death penalty. With for American Beauty. So why he keeps accurate. As such, The Life of David four days to go until his execution, insisting on these introspective and Gale is neither here nor there. he grants an interview with ambitious unexciting characters one can only journalist Bitsey Bloom (Winslet) wonder – hopefully he will be able to whom he hopes will be able to find the save himself from himself soon enough truth and thus prove his innocence. to deliver another role worthy of his Therein lies the start of the films previous successes. problems. As Gale recounts his story to As for Kate Winslet, I fear all may Bloom, so the film cuts back and forth be lost. The only dimension she adds between the time-line of today and the to this film is the one that ultimately events that lead up to it. Not so much smacks of cheap kicks and titillation a problem as a standard technique, the (a grainy videotape of the murdered net result leads to separate narratives victim’s last moments finds its way into – one in which Winslet takes the lead her hands to be greeted by hysterical, and the other in which Spacey is the over-the-top type “I’m affected by focus. Given that this is The Life of this” emotion) and leaves you asking David Gale, you wonder why such a why the director chose the English focus is needed on Winslet, especially actress to play an American journalist given her unnecessarily awful accent when so many American actresses (or awfully unnecessary would do just could have done it better. as well), until you realise her side of Choosing an innocent man awaiting the story is required because this really his fate on death row as subject is as predictable as a race against time matter guarantees a director emotive to ensure the innocent man is saved. material, such that they could do virtually anything with it and ensure the audience will leave the cinema “affected.” It also gives any director a sure timeline that begins with a crime and ends precisely enough with the death of the perpetrator, more often than not with some sort of last- minute reprieve scenario incorporated for dramatic effect. Taking this as a template, therefore, The Life of David 10 FILM 20 March 2003

Classic: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Continuing his look at films that have made an impact over the course of cinema, James Dibley wonders what the heck was going on when Roger Rabbit came to town

IT’S THE DAY before my rent is due, and this is. I haven’t even written out the cheque We all remember the goofy animations yet, or bought an envelope, or anything. and Christopher Lloyd getting squicked Naturally, that means one thing and one beneath the steamroller, but there’s thing only, it must be time to indulge in an excellently-plotted thriller lurking some cheap nostalgia: yes, one or two beneath all the animations: and wow, treasured movies from your childhood but those animations are fantastic. The are about to be enthusiastically but production designers totally nail the amateurishly reassessed. Stop reading Thirties ambience, down to the dingy now if you have any particularly fond bars and trams and Eddie’s dingy office, of E.T. with gratuitous product placement yelp when he goes over the cliff. How memories of Mac & Me. just as the crazed animated sequences for McDonalds and Coca-Cola, the latter could I not be anything but inspired? I doubt there are very many people perfectly ape the tone of the cartoons they of whom sponsored the whole enterprise. In review, it’s a little more disturbing, reading this that missed out on Who pay homage to. This film deserves to be The alien looks like … god, the alien is actually. I’m fairly sure this scene was Framed Roger Rabbit? first time round. considered a predecessor to Toy Story just shameful. About fifteen seconds in, intended as slapstick, yet the whole thing I certainly remember it as being one and subsequent “kids’ films which adults he gets violently sucked into a NASA seems to be in somewhat dubious taste. of the “Holy crap!” movies from my can also enjoy”: make a curry, declare probe. About forty-five seconds in, I The child-star in question – Jade Calegory childhood. Of course, it’s on one level sockless o’clock, and watch it again. wished that he’d stayed there. This alien – was actually disabled, wheelchair- deeply terrifying that I was seven when Enjoy all the neat stuff that you didn’t get doesn’t heal anyone or vaguely resemble bound with spina bifida. He did his this film came out, but … well, whatever. when you were 9: there’s plenty of it. a Christ figure. He eats junk food and own stunts, so kudos to him even if the Perhaps when something is that old, and Whew, all the way to the end of the farts a lot. Even at seven, I wanted to screenwriters were dickheads. You’ve got has been such a Bank Holiday Staple scheduled review and no more mentions stamp on him. I was an angry child, but to wonder, however, what sort of adult of your lazy, TV-rooted adolescence, it of Mac & Me. Although that’s a very I mean, really. writes a script and says, yeah, we’ll send deserves revisiting. important film – or so future film We nearly got thrown out when I laughed the disabled kid down the cliff, that’ll get Happily, WFRR more than repays the students will say in the wake of my ninth too much at the sequence twenty minutes them rolling in the aisles? effort, which is more than can be said for Academy Award nomination – because it in where the child star, who is confined Such niceties didn’t cross my juvenile Knightmare. was the very first film I ever saw at the to a wheelchair, goes plummeting down a mind then, however. The whiny kid had How long was it since you last saw this cinema. You really can stop reading now, hillside, over a cliff, and into a lake. gone over the cliff! It was funny and movie? Do you remember how much incidentally; I’m done with the rabbit To this day, I’m not sure if that scene thrilling! It made me want to do it! fun it is and how deeply weird it is? ITV movie for this article. Stand by for more was supposed to be funny – but I was I ached with joy as I never had before. show it all the time, cutting out about five cheap nostalgia… certainly sure it was supposed to be funny I’m not proud. minutes of footage, but without advert It was an Odeon in Aylesbury, which in the cinema. He zooms off the precipice Mac & Me is responsible for my intermissions for Coronation Street and is the union of several different kinds of at something like fifty miles per hour. enduring love of motion pictures – it still Cadbury’s Miniature Heroes and with all negativity. We – my aunt and I – were The whole scene is shot from his POV. sucks, though, and not even just because the gloopy death scenes reinstated, it’s sat in the back row at the left. And it’s a There’s exciting Dukes of Hazzard music it proves that I was a horrible child. striking just what a multi-layered film really awful movie, a cheap knock-off playing and a great Doppler-shift on his

Going underground part II: the realm of art-house cinema

THIS WEEK, WE continue our look at some BY JAMES DIBLEY and gifted artist. Jarman’s first of the key players in art-house cinema. exposure to the art, however, was as a We’ll concentrate this week on three explored the questions of his sexuality designer on productions for our next English artists whose non-mainstream and his passion for England engagingly director, the flamboyant director Ken works have nevertheless had immense in films like 1978’s Jubilee, a surreal Russell. Notorious in the industry for influence upon the world of cinema: black comedy in which Queen Elizabeth his obsessive attention to detail and the Derek Jarman, Ken Russell, and Michael I travels through time to observe the slow maniacal, demented abandon of his early like 1972’s The Devils – where a 17th- Powell. decay of England’s culture and heritage. films, Russell is latterly something ofa century French priest’s controversial An avid fan of making home movies In his day job, he also maintained fallen star, with no major productions exploits lead to his entire parish being the before he ever considered venturing intimate links with other parts of the art to his name since 1989 (a workmanlike subject of visitations by sadistic witch- into film-making, Derek Jarman’s body world, directing several promo films for adaptation of D.H. Lawrence’s The hunters, with much brutal torture and the of work is characterised by an intensely The Smiths, Suede, and the Pet Shop Rainbow). inevitable masturbating nuns – comes off personal preoccupation with England and Boys. It is perhaps for his film of The Who’s less like cheesy exploitation fare so much its history. Simultaneously, his political He remains most famous in popular rock opera Tommy that Russell is best as some sort of morbid fever dream. It’s sympathies inform his work without trivia for 1993’s Warhol-esque Blue, in known nowadays. Controversial among not easy to forget the spectacle of the twisting it into propaganda. A gay activist which an unchanging cobalt blue screen the group’s fans and equally divisive of French ruler shooting commoners dressed and latterly HIV positive, Jarman is displayed for 76 minutes as Jarman critics, this remains entertaining mainly in blackbird costumes over tea and and friends quietly discuss many issues, as a uniquely kitsch artefact – where crumpets. Great, seething performances including his personal experiences else can you see Elton John writhing on from Vanessa Redgrave and Reed here, with AIDS (he died in 1994, from a pinball table? but it didn’t stop the film from being AIDS-related complications). Sounding Russell has always been more banned in the UK for some twenty-odd somewhat like a cheap joke on paper, comfortable working with his own years. in practice Blue proves to be a moving fantasies, and from the late 60s through The content of Russell’s other films experience: the same is true of many of to the late 70s he was a uniquely indulged reflect his preoccupations with loud rock his other films, which even at their most movie brat, spitting out twisted and lavish music and sex, ranging from warped, eccentric – highly revised interpretations productions almost yearly. Frequently fantastic biopics of composers Liszt and of Shakespeare and hallucinatory, ultra- working with fellow boozehound Oliver Tchaikovsky to a (relatively accurate) slow-motion “moving paintings” alike Reed, Russell’s films operate on their biopic of silent film icon Rudolf Valentino. – bear the imprint of a distinguished own deviant logic, meaning that a film Lisztomania stars Roger Daltrey of 20 March 2003 FILM 11 A distinct lack of balance

Having starred in American Psycho, Christian Bale was thought to have committed career suicide. Fortunately for him a new project came along - unfortunately for the rest of us, says James Sheppard, that film was Equilibrium

e·qui·lib·ri·um stop their feelings so they are kept on The result vaguly resembles an over n. pl. e·qui·lib·ri·ums or e·qui·lib·ri·a an even level. Books, art and music are energetic drunk student dancing to 1. A condition in which all acting stricly forbidden, and the punishment Smack My Bitch Up with a bottle influences are cancelled by others, for possesion of such contraband or in each hand. Predicably, the Cleric resulting in a stable, balanced, or missing a dose of Prozium is death by downs everyone without receiving a unchanging system. over-the-top-turbine-furnace-thing, or scratch, but that may have something 2. Mental or emotional balance; poise. being riddled with bullets by leather to do with the painfully slow reaction clad law enforcement officers. time of most of his adversaries. “IN A FUTURE Where Freedom is Ranked above these crash helmet Christian Bale (American Psycho) Outlawed, Outlaws will become wearing grunts are the Clerics: dressed plays the lead role of a top-notch Cleric Heroes.” Yeah, whatever. I saw the in high collared black suits, armed John Preston who for some reason trailer for Equilibrium a few weeks with twin pistols, and trained in the misses a morning dose of Prozium, ago, and wasn’t overly bothered about art of Gun-Kata. This unique martial and then decides not to bother taking seeing it. However, being the open art is certainly an interesting concept any more. He therefore spends part minded person I like to think I am, I and is used extensively throughout the of the film acting as a man with no decided to make a blind leap of faith film, and although different variations emotions, and the other part as a and give it a go. Oh dear. are used, each fight sequence ends up man with emotions trying to act as The film is set in the post world war III being pretty samey. Let me elaborate: if he didn’t (just read that again if it film caught my interest again after half nation of “Libria”, where all emotions traditionally in action films involving didn’t make sense). Due to the nature boring me to death. It’s possibly the are banned. The premise is that hatred a central character up agains multiple of the setting, none of the characters funniest thing he has ever done. is at the root of all wars, and since the foes, the hero runs around a lot, can be seen to act spectacularly well, I included the dictionary definition human race is getting kind of pissed off dodging bullets, never gets hit despite including the citizens of Libria who of the word “equilibrium” at the top having been through 3 big ones already, being shot at from all angles, and slays wander about with no apparent purpose because, like most film titles, it gives the price of suppressing all emotions all enemies. In Equilibrium, there are other than to populate the town scenes a good description of what the film is along with hatred is worth the peace some subtle differences: the Gun-Kata (the only profession appears to be law actually about. The cinema experience it brings (except for the massacring of expert mostly stands still in the middle enforcement.) is somewhat different though: £5 goes non-conformers). Therefore the people of a group of enemies, weaving to-and- Sean Bean (Sharpe, Lord of the out of your pocket, and not much of Libria routinely take their prescribed fro, and pointing his guns wildly in a Rings) has a short lived part as comes back in return. That sounds a bit doses of Prozium, a drug to new direction after every shot. Preston’s partner, and Sean Pertwee unballanced to me. (Dog Soldiers, Cold Feet) is the face I imagine you’re either reading this of Father, the creator and leader of because you’re thinking of going to see this new regime who is broadcast on the film, or have already seen it and are massive TV screens throughout Libria. interested in what someone else thinks. My favourite moment in the film is To you I’d say “don’t bother” and “cak, when Brian Conley makes a cameo wasn’t it?” respectively. Now I know appearance. You know, that stand up some people have and will love this comedian? He doesn’t do anything film, but that doesn’t mean there are funny, but the surprise of seeing him much better things to see. Go see The made me laugh out loud and so the Ring instead. It’s better.

The Who again, and features a truly portrait of an obsessive photographer productions were characterised by depraved finale after a close shave with who kills prostitutes with a customised wry, compassionate screenplays and Competitions a phallic guillotine. Loud, brash, and camera, trying to capture “the moment sumptuous photography: Colonel defiantly unlike anything anyone has of death” on film. Blimp and 1946’s A Matter of Life The winners of the three competitions gotten away with since, sort of like a Powell had been making movies as and Death both look utterly fantastic, are: priapic Terry Gilliam, Russell’s films early as 1926: with his business partner even today. The latter, a metaphysical [1] [ Krissy Ng ] sidekick are a law unto themselves. Perhaps Emeric Pressburger, he quickly made a romantic comedy starring David [2] [ Janne Henrickson ] EZ rollers he’ll be best remembered for his name for himself as the writer/director Niven and Kim Hunter, is particularly [3] [ Louise Fahie ] miss selfridge adaptations of D.H. Lawrence’s books, of a number of mesmerising, gorgeous recommended. underwear. but his more personal works remain films that serve as fine documents of After the decade of silence that Congratulations to one and all - please quite extraordinary. their time. Black Narcissus, from 1947, followed Peeping Tom (Powell had drop by the media centre to pick up In contrast, nothing reflects the is a genuinely breathtaking, heady been blacklisted within the British film your prizes or get in touch via e-mail. shifting attitudes of English society evocation of India. Superficially the industry), his career was reassessed More competitions next week... between the late 50s and 70s better story of a troubled Catholic mission in once again as new American than to compare the fortunes of Russell northern India, it also serves as a subtle filmmakers – Scorsese and Coppola and Michael Powell. A distinguished critique of the Empire. Earlier, Powell in particular – became vocal in their filmmaker with a prestigious catalogue and Pressburger had faced criticism acclaim for his works, going to the of commercially and critically and Government censure with The Life extent of inviting him to collaborate on successful productions, Powell’s & Death Of Colonel Blimp – Churchill their productions. Nowadays, Powell’s career was effectively aborted in 1960 was one of many who felt that this reputation has been recovered, and with the scandal that greeted release film’s portrayal of Germans and its his films are justifiably treasured as of his film Peeping Tom. Compare deflating, anti-jingoistic subtexts were the work of one of Britain’s greatest the lunatic extravagances of Russell’s not sympathetic to the war effort, filmmakers. cinematic trainwrecks to the relative resulting in its release being suppressed restraint of Peeping Tom, which is till 1945. The Director’s Cut: Going Underground simply a considered, anti-sensational Powell and Pressburger’s will be continued next week. 14 MUSIC 20 March 2003

CLOCKS THE IDEAL HEIGHT EL SALVADOR BEAT CITY COLDPLAY | PARLOPHONE BIFFY CLYRO | BEGGARS BANQUET ATHLETE | EMI THE RAVEONETTES | COLUMBIA You all know exactly what to expect from Coldplay now – they’re Biffy Clyro have returned with yet Athlete, mark their return with More three chord magic from either life-affirmingly excellent or insufferably sterile and bland, another piece of their fast-slow, outstanding El Salvador that’s bands with a ‘the’ in their depending on your outlook. Clocks is an archetypal Coldplay track stop-start indie rock. It hasn’t catchy with a smooth rock name. This is the second single bearing the familiar hallmarks, namely soothing pianos, plenty of really lived up to my expectations bounce. Simple but effective from Danish drone-rockers minor chords, Chris Martin’s almost angelic vocals and a tune that can after their excellent debut album, sing along chorus are a complete The Raveonettes, following only be removed from your head with psychiatric assistance. Sooner although one of the b-sides work, luscious vocal with a bit the irresistible Attack of the or later they’ll have to try something more adventurous to avoid a ‘…And with the Scissorkick is of attitude and the mid waypoint Ghost Riders. If it sounds a lapse into complacency and the accompanying massive decline in Victorious’ is much more like the including a wonderful exchange little similar to the first single, popularity, but for the time being this will keep the fans more than excellent BC of old. six | j.a. of lyrics. Piano and electronic well that’s garage-rock, plus happy. eight | j.d. guitar echo throughout at the the fact that all of this band’s perfect moment tops off this class songs are in the same key, a fact single. eight | m.b. they are happy to advertise on singles the cover of their album. No shame in that when the tunes GET OVER IT are this engaging. Beat City OK GO | CAPITOL is proof that the current retro This is a brilliant super-charged scene is still alive, a fact likely guitar pop single. The band to be confirmed when the White formed in 1999, are from Stripes album finally surfaces. Chicago and have been touring seven | a.c. the UK with The D4. The single has glam rock guitars, spiky lyrics, and ‘Hey!’ choruses and is accompanied by a very entertaining video. Three minutes of guitar pop perfection. Hey! Go and buy it. nine | a.w.

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT MELLAFONE CORRIGAN | BRIGHT STAR EVERY WORD I DROP EP | KOOBA Sometimes I think about carries Take one Soulwax, and whisk a wide range of music with it. for 3 minutes, then add a little The title track and two b-sides Jeff Buckley and a pinch of all show diverse influence Radiohead, place in the oven for individually and as a whole. 20 minutes on gas mark 7 and The handy press release says the you have yourself a lovely meal main influences for their work of Mellafone. A band who hail COMFORTING SOUNDS were AC/DC, Talking Heads from Bournemouth, England, MEW | EVIL OFFICE/SONY and Shellac – which is actually not exactly the rock capital Comforting Sounds’s simple, a pretty good description of of the World, but close. The plaintive opening guitar line and the music here. They’re also south coast seems to have been hauntingly sweet vocals develop very similar to a band called producing a countless number to a frenzied instrumental climax, ‘mclusky’. Kerrang! magazine of talented bands recently, Hope with a bit of lush orchestration chose it as ‘Single Of The of The States, Clearlake, The and a strong, constantly evolving Week’, which is odd, as this SOFT LIKE ME Electric Soft Parade, Electralane melody thrown in along the way. single isn’t really what you’d SAINT ETIENNE | MANTRA and Easyworld to name a few. For a debut commercial single expect from ‘Kerrang’. The The second single from recent ‘Every Word I drop’ begins with this is astonishingly confident, title track is an up-tempo Indie- album Finisterre finds the a clapping intro, the double bass, and if their forthcoming album rock affair, which jogs along normally pleasant Saint Etienne drums, guitar, piano, vocals a maintains a comparable level of occasionally becoming quite pushing the boundaries of string quartet and a glockenspiel listenability throughout, 2003 heavy. The b-side Face is my pleasantness to breaking point. all kick in to form a song that could well be Mew’s year. A hefty personal favourite, it has a great Listening to Soft Like Me, well, sounds great and perfectly dose of caffeine is recommended dark, distorted feeling to it, it’s just almost too damn nice. structured! A band to get excited for getting through the almost with some simple-yet-effective You’d have to be comprised about. eight | s.b. nine-minute album version guitar over it. The final song solely of cotton wool, or be some though. eight | j.d. It’s in the architecture Jackson kind of fluffy woodland animal to ©Jason Lazarus starts small and acoustic and sit through a whole album of this ends things in a far more epic - the single alone is a saccharine TRUST | HIGHEST BIDDER manner – in contrast to the other overload. If you feel like you EPYRUS two ‘heavier’ works. The weird want to burn your clothes and skip “Whatever your name is... get ready for a big surprise” promises lyrics and unusual vocal style around the lake with the Easter UNTITLED #1 Arnold Schwarzenegger in the sound clip that precedes the first song, also help add something good bunny and a bunch of scummy I AM KLOOT | ECHO ‘Trust’. Unfortunately what we hear isn’t so much a surprise, more a to the songs. A short and sound hippies this is right up your street, Tinged with melancholy and straight up punk song with an extremely unpolished production that collection of songs. six and a otherwise you’d best avoid this exuding a sense of been there complements the raw effect that the south-west London quartet set out half | n.b. sugary nonsense. five | a.c. done it, Untitled #1 signals to achieve. The singer sounds like he might fit better in a Nu-Metal the return of the criminally band, but this and the band’s digression into hardcore half way through overlooked I Am Kloot. Serving the song adds to its originality. The other track poses the retrospective all words by the very excel- as an appetising taste of what’s to dilemma “I always thought I’d never sell my story to the highest lent music team who are: come on the new LP, this record bidder”. Getting a bit ahead of itself in lyrical content there, but the al read | andrew malek is driven by infectious drums and song is quality, reminiscent of Soulfly or Sepultura in parts (such as the simon robinson | anna wheeler Johnny Bramwell’s lackadaisical tribal drum and guitar breakdown at the end) and Funeral for a Friend jonathan darzi | matty b voice. It won’t increase their through the rest of its metalcore sound, only relating back to ‘Trust’ by anthos chrysanthou profile but in this musical climate way of its punked up chorus. Top marks for the Arnie soundclip, more jonathan howel l terje tjervaag songs to match it would be a bonus and are definitely expected in the johnathan allen | nick clancy nothing will. seven | a.r. neil boulton | stu bryce future from the sounds of these two, which showcase their potential. six | a.m. 20 March 2003 MUSIC 15

SHUT UP KELLY OSBOURNE | EPIC RECORDS After hearing this, the cynical side of my music taste was quite surprised. There I was thinking it was going to sound completely manufactured and fake but what we actually have is a quite accomplished rock album, although at times it can get rather albums generic, and maybe a tad too easy to guess what is coming next. The tracks range from the garage rock of ‘Coolhead’ to the ballad ‘More Than Life Itself’ to the cheese-cover-with-some-vaguely- appropriate-lyrics that is ‘Papa Don’t Preach’. All in all, most of YOU CAN FEEL ME the credit should go to Ric Wake’s HAR MAR SUPERSTAR | B-UNIQUE production for keeping it real, so to speak. seven | j.a. Where to start? With a statement, http://silvereyez.org Har Mar Superstar is the white equivalent of Prince or the white L’ILLUSTRATION MUSICAL artist formerly known as Prince KING OF WOOLWORTHS | MONTRA RECORDING or whatever! Anyways Har Mar Second album from King Of Woolworths AKA, Jon aka Harold Martin is the saviour Brooks is influenced by his obsession of Library of white r ’n’ b; Dane Bowers Music of which he is a big fan. On the success of your time is up. This is so far debut Ming Star that was heavily sampled based fetched that it reaches beyond from television and film this venture turns to the irony; Har Mar genuinely obscurity of electronic, moving music that’s believes he is a sex symbol moody and expressive. A collaboration of (even with an abominable mullet astronomical proportions grabs your attention and moustache). The lead single with the beautiful vocals of Dot Allison Power Lunch is the point from OK GO adding vocals that makes Sell Me Back which the rest of the album OK GO | CAPITOL Your Soul their finest work to date. Two builds, so if you’ve heard that Raucous riffs and hands in the air tracks off last years Dew Point E.P. make expect more of the same. My Americana – Boom! Ok Go are an appearance being re-worked with favourite track is One Dirty Chicago and MTV’s favourite vocals making these more complete Minute where a character called kind of band, just check out all with an added dimension given to Dirty Preston is let loose on the the coverage lead single Get Over each. Nuada sees vocals from mike for one minute of filth. The It has received. Unfortunately guest vocalist Emma Pollack ballad EZ Pass proves Har Mar the one-hit-wonder alarm bells of the Delgados singing an is capable of lowering the tempo start ringing pretty quickly as uncharacteristic style that’s tackled with great panache. Final track should the mood require it. All track after track fly by with little This is Radio Theydon ends the album the way it started immaculate this results in a diverse, catchy differentiation, the similarity production of sounds layered over one another that’s both creative and debut quite unlike anything else, soon starts to grate. It’s with effective. eight | m.b. bravo. seven | a.r. the throwaway lyrics that my problems start, although fun they’re hardly epitaph worthy. RISE ON UP EP LOG 22 What to Do is harmless with SPANKBOY BETTIE SERVEERT | [PIAS] it’s bouncy tempo changes and Yet another seven-piece ska band makes its way into my CD Player. RECORDINGS smiley lyrics while There’s a Fire Well, for starters they’re on Moon Ska Europe; their catalogue reads In their fifth album, Dutch is wicked however it’s a case like a who’s who of ska, and the press release tells of an interesting band Bettie Serveert hold their of too little too late. As a whole upcoming show on a boat on the River Thames as well as USSU on influences high up for everyone Ok Go are neither excessively Saturday 22nd.. Opener ‘Set it off’ sounds like cross between Less Than to see. Echoes of Sheryl Crow rocky nor thoughtful, just kind of Jake and Sum 41 and is by far the best and most unique sounding song vocals, No Doubt rythms, the middle of the road. This is rock of the four. The other three are your standard ska punk fare, supposedly playfulness and childishness for the GCSE educated and as a inspired by their ‘regular visits to the sunshine lands’... that’ll be of Björk as well as sounds consequence its appeal is heavily Cornwall then. They’re not re-inventing the wheel, but there’s only so and noises and a penchant limited rah-rah-rah. five | a.r. much a band can do with ska/punk nowadays due to the recent surge in for electronica elements from this style of band, and these guys sound like they have a lot of fun doing Garbage. Still, Bettie Serveert it. five | a.m. has firm roots in an acoustic setting, with horn and string THE DURUTTI COLUMN arrangements on several tracks. SOMEONE ELSE’S PARTY LP | UNIVERSAL ‘Someone Else’s Party’ is the follow up album to The Durutti Too bad then, that this album Column’s 2001 album ‘Rebellion’. ‘Someone Else’s Party’ was written at times falls short because of and performed by Vinni Reilly, the album is extremely dark and musical laziness. This might atmospheric, an album not to put on if you are about to go out on a be perceived by some as naive Friday night. It was heavily influenced by the death of Reilly’s mother, elements, but smacks more of the album is a tribute to her, the songs were carved from the sadness he lack of decent arrangements. felt from the moment his mother became ill until she eventually died. Tracks such as Have A Heart Reilly has created a piece of art that is genuine, an album that expresses certainly focus more on his thoughts and feelings at a moment in his life. His music does not spontaneity rather than well follow the strict criteria laid down by the majority of major record composed music and while this labels in today’s music industry, they want positive music, and they works for parts of the album it rarely venture into the unknown. Universal have released an album that leaves the listener somewhat is moving, an album about death, something that everyone can relate to, indifferent to the moods the and for this very reason I’m sure ‘Someone Else’s Pary’ will go on and band is trying to create. ?? | t.t. sell a lot of copies. seven | s.b. 16 MUSIC 20 March 2003

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED THE BOMBJACKS Wow, have these guys come a long way since their last effort - the “Hung Up” EP whose highlight was an outstanding cover of ‘Summer of 69’. The vocalist has certainly improved, which is the most noticeable change, even sounding Brandon Boyd-ish in parts. ‘All New Low’ kicks things off with its ‘Woah-Oh’s and is a perfectly ETHER SONG crafted two minute pop punk TURIN BRAKES | SOURCE tune, expressing serious emotion I bought into this band and the in its sound. ‘Cut Loose’ speeds whole new acoustic movement things up, sounding slightly heavily a couple of years ago. like Pennywise to begin with The wheels fell off the NAM then drifting into Slick Shoes alarmingly fast, so it’s with territory and slowing down to a sense of nervousness that I a heavy climax. ‘Meteorites’ is LETTERS TO YOU review the second album from perhaps the weakest song on this FINCH | DRIVE-THRU RECORDS Turin Brakes. The excellent four track, but is by no means Currently enjoying the benefits of MTV2’s and Kerrang’s hype machine, Pain Killer is in my opinion bad. It offers up a chorus which California based Finch’s Letters To You is good single material. From not that excellent at all. I’m will stick in your head for long the already released album What It Is To Burn it’s part of the recent never convinced about the after hearing the tune, as will the trend where heavier, chuggy, guitars are married with melodic vocals. authenticity of songs with fantastic Lagwagon-like guitar Don’t dismiss it as ‘nasty rock music’ the song (and style) has a strong depressing titles like Pain Killer solo at the end featuring some pop vibe to it, think of it as heavier brand of pop rock. As well as being when a band is so widely rich old-skool metal whammy bar extremely likeable the chorus has a great hook to it and the rest of the and successful as Turin Brakes trickery. The real gem, however, track backs things up nicely. The heavy/melodic theme is executed well - I think the Comic Relief kids is ‘Outatime’, which boasts to give a song with a wide appeal deserving success. If I remember in Africa are in greater need of a a fantastic opening riff, then correctly No-wave played it during their DJ time at the last fetish night. painkiller than some posh twat proceeds into what appears to Good stuff. eight | n.b. from London. This is exactly be a fast, generic punk song, but the sort of album that people unexpectedly breaks down into “who are in to all sorts of music a slow, melodic masterpiece, really” (i.e. they own nine changing tempos regularly albums) will rush out and buy. which by now seems to be a I found it dull and irrelevant common trait in Bombjacks although I imagine it will * tunes. The album will be out * appeal to the terminal romantic o unimpressed with David Gray’s over here on Allstar Recordings c in May, and later in the summer is latest offering. four | a.r. in the orient through Japan’s d biggest major label, with a s th projected 30,000 sales in its first a month. If that’s not a reason to e d check them out in the Union on * * Saturday at Bands Night, I don’t r ta know what is. eight | a.m. s r e p u s r a m r a h * *

Deaths Disco is microphone and a backing tape nothing but a pair of y-fronts. It Alan McGee’s rocked through his debut album was around this point that The Weekly club night You Can Feel Me to rapturous Yeah Yeah Yeahs turned up, Har at the Notting Hill applause whilst being groped Mar started humping the wall and Arts Club in London. hilariously by a throng of girls at the whole place generally went Har Mar Superstar made the front of the stage. The whole mental. Har Mar was hilarious his appearance to the packed place was brought to a stand still and I really enjoyed his between audience of rockers and when he danced his way around song chat, which consisted fashionable young professionals the club during Power Lunch primarily of him saying “put

at about half ten. Within and poured a large whisky at the your hands together, I’m f***ing minutes there was near hysteria bar. He was gyrating menacingly excellent”, in a deadly serious as members of the crowd and entertaining the crowd for voice. Some people will question clambered onto seats and tables the whole of his hour-long set the seriousness of Har Mar and to get a better view of the – a unique evening and nothing probably like me not really diminutive sex symbol. The Arts like your average Ocean Colour understand what to make of it all Club is a tiny venue that turns Scene gig! The night was getting but if you just enjoy the circus, as into a nightclub after a live act gradually more depraved as Har a Scouser might say, you’ll have a or two have kicked things off. Mar saw fit to undress during each boss night. Har Mar equipped only with a song until he was wearing alex read 20 March 2003 MUSIC 17

gigs

After twenty made up the bulk of material with years in the earlier tracks thrown in. New business the Red single ‘Don’t Stop’ was followed Hot Chili Peppers by ‘Get On Top’ in a frantic ten have found the magic minutes seeing the band flaunting touch turning everything in great rock style. At forty they grasp into gold, the Anthony and Flea leapt around once odd-ball funk Rock outfit the stage like schoolboys giving are now one of the hottest both emotion and energy in a bands in the world. Who can visual and music master class. deny this accolade following The Chili’s smacked out stadium the fantastic Californication LP rock with emotional ballads, and more recently the mouth- ‘The Zephyr Song’ then being The outrageous and somewhat dash in between songs for the watering ‘By The Way’ album torn by thunderous funky Fleas weird Lemon Jelly make an usually reclusive members, that’s their most accomplished baseline rip roaring through ‘Give expected impact of entertaining never photographed in person. work to date. Supported on this It Away’. Surprise song of the proportions. Think of a dance With two albums under there whistle stop tour of the U.K. evening came from the last track version of the Polyphonic Spree belt both have been critically came from the shambolic The ‘Venice Queen’ off the current but with only two members, praised in their field that was Mars Volta who were possibly album that sounded like you had bringing entertainment inline shown by the three sold out the worst band I’ve heard for been transported to heaven and with good music making the nights in a row at the Forum. ages. From the corner of the back in five minutes flat. After a gig an experience and a fun one An extended version of ‘In stage the first bars of ‘By The small break John moved towards at that. In true Jelly style no The Bath’ taken from the debut Way’ announced the arrival of the front of the stage and perched support act but full on Bingo, album has graced many chill out Flea, Anthony, John and Chad. himself on the end. Spotlight top merchandise up for grabs compilation and T.V. backing After the exquisite opener of hit shining the melody of ‘Under made me incontrollable with only track. Mixed with B-side ‘Soft’ single off self-titled album ‘By The Bridge’ greets the audience two numbers off a full house. is expertly fushioned together The Way’ they then leaped into with an almighty roar; Anthony Needless to say I did not win adding another dimension to ‘Scar Tissue’ off their landmark strolls on to the stage succulently but all this was made up with the normal album format. On album, Californication, the delivering each line, which can a Lucky bag handed out to the a journey through chilled beats release that showed the world barely be heard over the crowd. whole audience upon arrival, I to upbeat taking in bongos and they were back with regenerated As the Red Hot Chili Peppers Love Lemon Jelly badge, balloon, rhythmic base lines welcomes guitarist, Frusciante, with less leave the stage I realise I have postcards and bingo pen and card you into their unique world. drugs in the system saw a turn witnessed one of the best bands in prepared me for the evenings Random sweet throwing around in fortunes with their the world in the form of their lives experience. At a gig such as this balloons floating and a relaxed long deserved commercial having it all: charisma, energy and being experimental chilled dance appreciative atmosphere created success. This turn around has a strong set packed with absolute is a stark contrast from a trash a perfect setting for this style of seen John produce his most classics. From the possibility of guitar band but just close your gig. The climax and the moment inspirational work of his career being a has-been band of forty eyes and soak up the atmosphere the duck strapped to the pole had showing these skills with solos something tattooed rockers, drifting away into another galaxy been waiting all evening makes while his band mates take a they have shown that they run is the order of the day. Not its swan song or duck song, as I breather. The success of the the show and my: what a show. closing those eyes too long allows should say. Commercial hit off last two phenomenal albums matthew badcock a glimpse of intense lighting the current album, single ‘Nice and visual images adding to and Weather For Ducks’ gave the enhancing the musical display. chance to sing along with all Acoustic guitar, double base, the troll, la, la, la, la, la, in the Placebo have always frustrated plenty of tracks from their Wage’. After Molko, who was keyboard and percussion littered correct place raised the crowd me. I hear a couple of songs forthcoming album ‘Sleeping with rather talkative throughout, had the stage on special podiums to their feet in celebrationary from an album and really enjoy Ghosts’ and also a few earlier informed us several times how scattered about meaning a quick fashion. matthew badcock them, but when I actually album tracks. A great deal of these great an audience we had been, listen to the album there is were quite slow paced, but every they left us but only to return an awful lot of filler between now and then a well needed piece with one of the best encore songs the stand out tracks. Tonight of vitality and enthusiasm would I’ve heard in a long time. They they were much the same, the be injected. This was achieved unleashed an absolutely cracking only difference being that in for the first time with new single cover of The Pixies’ ‘Where is this case, even the filler was ‘The Bitter End’ and old favourite my Mind’ and then quickly left in excellent. After the support had ‘Every You, Every Me’ blasted case the roof was ripped off by the whipped the jam-packed Astoria out back to back, much to the ovation from the baying audience. into a rock fuelled frenzy, Brian mosh pit’s delight. Whenever From what was on offer tonight, Molko emerged to address the the manic crowd started to lag, it seems that there’s certainly screaming masses declaring that another meaty hunk of pure nothing radical about the new “It’s been way too long”. The energy was pulled out of the bag, material, but still, Placebo are show, which lasted for an hour including the likes of the excellent back with a vengeance. If it aint and three-quarters, contained ‘Special K’ and ‘Slave to the broke…jon allen

20 March 2003 THEATRE & LITERATURE 19

The week at the Yvonne Arnaud: Love & Marriage and Present Laughter

THE SCENE: MIDDLE class family living BY RACHAEL BEMROSE BY DAISY CLAY room, with charming conservatory, in THEATRE EDIOR leafy London outskirts of Kingston. HAVING INTERVIEWED RIK Mayall a few Tony, sits in conservatory playing the action and moved to the back row instead. weeks ago, speaking to him about Present guitar badly, while his wife, Ruth, sits on This play seemed to revel in making seri- Laughter (among many other things), seems he cannot do either of these things, the sofa grimacing at said guitar playing ous events, such as attemplted suicide, I was eager to see for my myself why leading to his immensely exaggerated and reading Hello! magazine. farcical, in a real toe curling, made me this play had sparked such enthusiasm and overemotional ‘break-down’. Every The audience is soon told that Tony and shudder way. As a comedy, it failed to in him. The play presents the audience cast member added something different Ruth are expecting old friends, Jeremy make me laugh very much. The only with the character of Garry Essendine, to the play’s quality, with the secretary’s and Anne for dinner. The two couples times I was mildly amused ususally coin- an actor approaching middle-age about sarcastic and cynical sense of humour had a double wedding twenty years ago. cided with a “she’ll put my bollocks in a to leave on a performing tour of Africa. consistently achieving much laughter. I Tony is concerned as Jeremy is a lot blender” type line from the lips of Leslie Surrounding Essendine, are numerous especially found the more minor roles of richer than him, and he has recently cal- Grantham, such is my sense of humour. other characters, each linked to him in the house-keeper and butler amusing. culated that if he were to sell his business Really I have nothing good to say about different ways, including his ex-wife, his After the performance, I went backstage and consolidate and pay off all his debts, this play. I can’t out of any goodness secretary, a recent one-night stand, and a to meet Rik and chat to him once more. he would be overdrawn by £5000. Mid- inside me, say something nice about young obsessive playwright. The play is Upon reaching his dressing room I life crisis theme looms. it. It was terrible, awful, rubbish, pants situated in Essendine’s home, and sees was greeted by the ever-friendly and Ruth then starts rushes into the kitchen and complete load of bollocks. The one the various characters visiting him, each welcoming Rik, in just his pants and a saying “carrots!” and then rushes back moment of tension came in the first act, with a very different relationship to him. t-shirt. As he casually got changed, we into the living room, complete with chop- happened when Grantham, swinging a Essendine is quite clearly an actor, both talked about how the performance had ping board, knife and carrots. She then recently bent sand wedge, that his wife in his occupation and in everyday life, as gone, both agreeing it had gone really well. proceeds to chop carrots with knife on had got hold of after finding out about he makes every simple interaction into a Throughout the performance it seemed chopping, on the coffee table (weren’t his extra-marital dalliences: the end of theatrical-like piece of drama. that Rik’s energy was unrelenting, where expecting that were you?!) the wedge came off the handle, flew into As the play builds up, the audience he visibly put everything he could into Then friend Bill rings on door bell in the audience and clocked a lady round is eventually faced with a farcical and his performance. Nevertheless, although typical middle aged womaniser jokey the head. highly comedic situation, where almost he was notably quite tired from the fashion. On recognising his jovial ring, When I was informed during the interval every character is in the house at once. In performance, he was still really energetic Ruth and Tony look at one another, say- that the playwright, Donald Churchill, addition to Essendine’s numerous flings and chatty. Despite being the first night ing “Bill!” is better known for writing 70’s sitcoms with assorted characters, the various of performance at a new venue he felt the So you’re probably thinking by now, such as “The Sweeney”, all became clear secrets which are confided in him during performance had gone well – with which could this get any more dull? Well, yes for me: this was a very bad 70’s sitcom, the course of the play lead to his manic I strongly agree. I thoroughly enjoyed the unfortunately it can. I seriously consid- which probably would be aired in the attempt to keep certain people from play, and Rik once-more proved himself ered leaving after the first act, feeling as post-neighbours slot normally occupied talking to (or even seeing) others, whilst to be a fantastically funny comedian and though I simply could not face watching by the dire “Doctors”, but that’s another keeping his sanity. Eventually, it talented actor. anymore of this utter load of total pants. article. Don’t go and see this. Can’t get However, I relented from such drastic more critical than that. Please note that last week’s review of Stones In His Pockets was by Rachael Bemorse, who is fab.

A Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde poetry

Questions Answered by terry rojas Literature editor Chris Ward takes a look at Why do you love me? that most veritable (and versatile) of English That was the question The answer is not simple gentlemen - Oscar Wilde But made of moments Strung together like pearls Stretching back Without You I Am Nothing by katy WHAT WOULD YOU give To where we began saunders to be able to transfer It is not complex either There are few words to describe age from yourself Fragile, simple Such an intense feeling of loss. into a painting? The Like a dew-laden cobweb Love so primitive and yet so complex painting of you will grow old, and Shining in the pale sun of dawn Is rarely felt. you will whither, but not in reality. At So why do I love you Blood is no connection, what lengths would you go to keep that For all the parts of you And yet you are of my flesh, painting safe? Is eternal youth really a That blends into perfection Of my soul. virtue? Or is it merely a glint in the eyes The way you speak A part that is so irreplacable, of the devil? Silent, sometimes with spoken words To try is an insult. During the time Dorian Gray has a For the way I am more complete To recall such unmoving memories picture of himself painted, he listens to Blessed by the treasure and beauty of Of joy that we spent is a sadistic; the words of Lord Henry who speaks you There is no pleasure, without the pain. of the predatorial nature of age, and burdened upon him. He must protect the Because there is harmony Without you, I am nothing, how youth is to be appreciated whilst it painting at all costs, so he steals it, and In this reality Merely a fragment of my former self, is still there. Dorian takes heed of this keeps it in his attic for many years, until In my life as sunshine follows rain Shriveled and contorted and broken. advice, and begins to worry about losing the prospect of people discovering the Because you stroke the strings of my his youth and his handsome looks. Age truth comes along. soul Without you, I am nothing, terrifies him, and in a fit of anger he In A Picture of Dorian Gray, Wilde Great music we make together And yet, I am everything glances at the painting, jealous of its displays his usual repertoire of subtle I love you because with you I’m free to That you have made me: timeless quality. The painting will never satire and the exposure of vice. As Dorian love Everything that you have taught me - grow old, and will sit there mocking him falls into the depths of evil, the novel asks Because I’m more when I love you To learn, to live, to love - as age smothers him. At that precise us to consider how far we would go to Because with you I can fly Is within me, and whilst I die moment he wishes that perhaps the retain something that we desire more On wings of silver laughter Still I live on, painting would age, and that he would than anything. What do you ultimately And be complete in the moment Incomplete but still very much alive not. That he would capture his present desire? Would you do anything to get Still these are not answers enough With your breath, life and soul. appearance and keep it for the rest of his past obstacles in your way? Would you I love you because I do, I simply do Without you, I am nothing. days. As this wish is granted, a curse is kill for it? © 2003 Mind Ink With you, and only you, I am complete. 20 INTERACTIVE 20 March 2003

Week 8 Answer: Last week’s photo was of the barrier thing outside the Space Centre Quiz Week 9 Clue: Sorry for this week’s photo being so blurred. I was half asleep when I Right-e-o. Right-e-bloomin’-o. Where do we start this week? All that can be said is that took the photo… Still I’m sure some of you this is going to be a veritable feast of variety, care, love, passion and insight as none other will get it. than Rich Sawyer, Jimbo Sheppard and Paul Wright, along with some consultancy from Rich Watts, have put together ten lyrics to test, tease and titillate your every lyrical desire. chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter There is a lot of history here and as a reader we hope you appreciate some of the times everyone of the above people have been through to bring you these lyrics. Love and peace folks, love and peace.

[1]. The fun back to the punk, c’mon. [2]. Oh no! What do i do? Don’t look now but i lost my shoe. [3]. Thats great! It starts with an earth quake [4]. It’s been raining since you left me, now i’m drowning the flood [5]. I long to see the sunlight in your hair, and tell you time and time again how much i care. [6]. The dust settles the worms dig, spiders crawl over your bed. [7]. There’s a dark secret in me, don’t leave me locked in your heart

[8]. As i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i take a look at my life and realise there’s not much left.

[9]. Just how far will strangers go to retrieve a pack of ribbed condoms? Who wants to be a millionaire? [10]. The child is a king the caroller sing, the old is past there’s a new beginning. well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down “ £100: what kind of show did Charles Cruft establish in the 19th century? a: dog show | b: boat show | c: circus | d: quiz show I can’t seem to find the words that’s because this is a word search £200: which popular author is the sister of Joan Collins? a: judy collins | b: jackie collins | c: jenny collins | d: jilly collins degree qualifications are not a good return on your investment, especially considering possible inflation rates £300: what nickname is traditionally given to the clubhouse bar on a golf course? during the next decade a: 10th hole | b: 14th hole | c: 18th hole | d: 19th hole

£500: who starred as Fanny Brice in the film musical ‘Funny Girl’? a: julie andrews | b: twiggy | c: audrey hepburn | d: barbra streisand “ £1k: which car emblem consists of four linked circle? a: subaru | b: toyota | c: citroen | d: audi

£2k: which group was the subject of the film ‘The Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Swindle’? a: the clash | b: the sex pistols | c: the doors | d: the who

£4k: in which city could you visit the famous Topkapi Palace? a: istanbul | b: rome | c: toronto | d: sydney

£8k: which golfing expression means ‘to be ahead by as many holes as there are holes left to play? a: bogey | b: dormey | c: par | d: birdie

£16k: John, Johannesburg and Jupiter are all names but what type of word is a ‘name’? a: proper noun | b: pronoun | c: preposition | d: adjective

£32k: which of these spices comes from tree bark? a: turmeric | b: cinnamon | c: nutmeg | d: ginger

£64k: a ‘bibliophile’ is someone who enjoys which activity? Chris Tarrant vs. Anne Robinson in a: drinking | b: travelling | c: eating | d: reading a bout to decide the world quiz-host heavyweight championship of the £125k: what is a ‘filbert’? world. Who would win? Your thoughts, please: [email protected] a: waistcoat | b: kilt | c: table | d: hazlenut

£250k: which country’s international car registration is DZ? What was written here last week was posted on the bulletin board a: belize | b: benin | c: algeria | d: madagascar (bb.ussu.co.uk) as a poll and, aside from a bit of bickering from a couple of folks who must really care what goes on this page of the weekly paper, £500k: which horse won the 2000 Guineas, the Derby and the St Leger in 1970? received a grand total of one other reply (which was basically congratu- a: pinza | b: nijinsky | c: the minstrel | d: mill reef lating someone on their putdown, rating it in the same category as “your mum”, actually). What is the world coming to? Jig-word? Cross- £1m: which of these is not a mineral used on the Mohs scale of hardness? word? Wordsearch? These things don’t concern us. What concerns us a: orthoclase | b: apatite | c: graphite | d: gypsum is other stuff and people trying to quote from films until they realise they can’t remember all of the line... [email protected] 20 March 2003 LIFESTYLE 21

ife after the womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give L a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson… To your average man, the word font may mean one of two simple things: either the Quiz The weather for the past few weeks hasn’t AT THE beginning of this semester I receptacle you dunk a baby in to get its head wet as part of some sort of religion-based been that noticeable really, but it hasn’t wrote something in here along the lines ceremony or the character you use to present your thoughts on a typed document. There been that great. But the other day, the first of “I want to climb up on top of Battersea is nothing wrong with either of these two definitions and any man who can give you both rays of true sun shone through a clear blue Court reception.” Now, before I get any definitions, though by no means a difficult task, should be congratulated and be asked as sky and hit campus… and within 5 minutes disapproving (or possibly approving) to whether they possess a copy of Roget’s thesaurus, or indeed any thesaurus. (What is a of this happening, people went and sat on comments, I still haven’t achieved this synonym for thesaurus, you might ask? Well, wordfinder might do it, but I prefer synonym the grass outside the library. Just one person – but that is not to say that no one else has. dictionary – it has that ring of obviousness about it.) at first, but soon afterwards, another person Yesterday, during a particularly boring The word font to me, however, represents many a good evening’s entertainment – it is an joined them… and another. I look out my period of essay writing, I glanced out of endless source of awe, appreciation, jealousy, pride, sadness, annoyance, confusion, clarity, window a lot, and over the last year I’ve my window only to see a certain GU2 DJ excitement, fatigue and happiness; it is that one thing that is so often ignored and yet, when tried to work this phenomenon out, and still clambering from the wall outside court it is absolutely correct, can put a smile on my face for the rest of the week. can’t. reception onto the roof! It seems that two of For the word font doesn’t just refer to Times New Roman on a word document, or If I had my own radio-controlled cloud, them had been playing with their football, Comic Sans on a society poster – it refers to that great library of characters, punctuation then I could position it in front of the sun, and somehow it managed to scale the rather and numbers that fall into different categories of style that can evoke, simply by the right and wait till about 11am. I would then high wall outside GU2, and not come back choice of font, exactly that which someone is trying to convey. It is the collection of move the cloud out of the way and let down again. Ah well, it provided me with a symbols that actually give you the message, literally the putting it down on a piece of the sun shine down on the grass outside little bit of entertainment on my mundane paper. Without fonts all we would have is the spoken word and there is simply not the the library. After a few seconds some of Monday afternoon. range or diversity in your standard human’s larynx to compete with the vast number of the people would notice the sun on the THIS WEEK I have had several people asking typographical endeavours. grass, and like a giant magnet pulling me “so, what did you get up to in the them towards the grass, they would start library?” This was, of course, in reference to change direction and walk towards the to one of the personals in barefacts last grass. Its at this point that I would then week. To put your minds at rest, the answer move my cloud back over the sun, thus is, quite simply – I genuinely have no idea typography switching off the giant magnet, and forcing what Adam and I got up to in the library. people to continue back on their original Honest! Fonts can mean an awful lot to a person without them realising it. An example: you’re paths. I would then spend all afternoon I’M BECOMING slightly disconcerted by the sitting down in Chancellor’s and you can’t quite decide what food you would like to eat: doing this, and see how close to the grass I fast approaching Easter holiday – for none the bangers and mash looks good but then again so does the chicken tagliatelle. Your can get people before moving the cloud in other reason than the fact it means I have no indecision is fuelled, I’ll bet you think, by not quite being able to place what it is your front of the sun! more lectures. Ever. I am also now working stomach is telling you what you want, but this is not actually the case: you don’t know The other annoying thing about the on my penultimate piece of coursework… what you want because your mind cannot reconcile the fact that those two dishes should in sun is that whenever I have an exam ever. It’s a scary concept: only 6 1⁄2 weeks no way be represented by the same font. – its ALWAYS sunny outside! So I am left of being a student. No more going to Bangers and mash is by its very nature an English dish. Whoever thought of sticking proposing that we move all the exam desks bed at 6am, climbing hills after the Union sausages out of a great lump of mashed potato, and sticking cabbage next to it with a great outside. Yo mentioned the problem about or sleeping ‘til 2pm… actually, maybe I can helping of onion gravy, was obviously drinking a cup of tea at the same time or watching the wind blowing exam papers everywhere, fit in afew of those in next year! the Queen on television. So to convey the true meaning of “bangers and mash” on a menu, however I’d say that this could be a positive I’ve spent the best part of this week so far you would expect a truly English font, perhaps Bookman Old Style or something else as thing. Consider the following conversation: working on 4,000 words worth of ‘fun’ final reserved and precise (and I tell you that Times New Roman wouldn’t be far off the mark). Teacher “What happened your answers year music essays. During one of my far Tagliatelle on the other hand is this great swirl of pasta that is physically impossible to for parts 2 – 4?”, Me “I did them, but the too frequent ‘internet and msn messenger’ eat in a dignified manner and is most surely one of the greatest symbols of Italian culture wind blew them away!”, Teacher “Most breaks, my friend Scoot happened to that fine place has ever produced. To represent, therefore, with the same font this dish and unfortunate. Have a 70% average to make comment that it was only equivalent to just the staple of the British diet is tantamount trying to multiply two seventeen digit numbers up for it”. over ten Rawson’s Creeks. Right then, 7 together with an abacus: it simply doesn’t work – the tool is no the correct one for the job. Now not everyone is lucky enough to Rawson’s Creeks down (or 8 if you include You’d need Lucida Handwriting at the very least, if not something a little less legible like have a stalker, but I have a lovely stalker this one) and 4 to go before tomorrow… Dauphin. called Kate, who tells me that she is my ‘ickle sarah butterworth (I neglect to mention the mess that such a menu would present to the hungry man if its stalker every week at the Union. So check fonts corresponded precisely to each dish it is describing, mainly because it detracts from back next week to read my tribute poem to the importance you must place on fonts. This problem remains as one of the greatest Stalker Kate! chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter problems humanity has ever faced and I can only hope soon that someone will finally come up with an adequate solution as opposed to throwing everything into the same font metling pot and finding yourself with a lump of Arial.) Upside-down answers The truth is that most people are unaware of the quantity of fonts available to them or that Great google - you’ve all got a surround them as they walk about. A typical journey will stumble upon Helvetica, Courier search engine to blame... New and Bank Gothic; an excellent journey will find itself graced by Adler, Tahoma and Kabel. Lyrics quiz: [1]. Daftendirekt - Daft As with many things, whilst the majority go about their daily routines bathed in blissful Punk [2]. Buddy holly – weezer [3]. It’s the end of the world as we ignorance of the fonts that surround them, a dedicated handful guard the gate of the font- know it - R.E.M [4]. Always - Bon lovers heaven. We spend the hours downloading not the filth you would normally associate Jovi [5]. Hello - Lionel Richie [6]. with internet but instead fonts after fonts after fonts. It would not be an exaggeration to say You never wash up after yourself that no font-lover can feel complete until they have a choice of at least 2000 fonts waiting – Radiohead [7]. Can’t get you out of my head – Kylie [8]. Gangsters for them in their font directory, each one lovingly picked from lists that go on and on, that Paradise – Coolio [9]. FNO - the fat categorise and sub-categorise and sub-sub-categorise in order to touch upon their mood handed tats [10]. Mistletoe and Wine of a particular day. Calligraphic. Gothic. Handwritten. Sans Serif. Digital. Grunge. - Cliff Richard Eroded. Monospaced. Retro. Script. Typewritten. Warped. Many an hour has been lost WWTBAM: [£100: a]; [£200: b]; to fonts and it is often the case that the greatest and most difficult choice a designer might [£300: d]; [£500: d]; [£1k: d]; [£2k: ever face is not what house they buy, what car they drive or which person they marry, but b]; [£4k: a]; [£8k: b]; [£16k: a]; instead what font they use on a new project. [£32k: b]; [£64k: d]; [£125k: d]; When creating the Gill font, it is said that Eric Gill experienced orgasm when he created [£250k: c]; [£500k: b]; [£1m: c]. the p character. I suppose then that in a way it is a type of porn, but only those with an eye for it. 22 PERSONALS 20 March 2003

I.M. is having a marmite relationship with D.F. ass...KENYA! HA HA Ha - sit on my face challenge could have been a bad idea after that!!! Everyone, thats HOO! Timmy there is nothing we havn’t seen northeners bird la la la! is a maths geek la la la!! sending personals to yourself does not impress remember to keep it clean! you need to be (check the way she sucks on her pen paul!!) anyone Nat, can you send us a postcard next time! measured. Pllllllllllllllease can we measure your willy! Z, hope your on your best behaviour when you go Who said all gingas are stress-pots?! hazel, gonna score a hatrick la la la, with diane la to my sisters this weekend, love you hunny xxx la la!!!! Tesco, I’ll send the Bentley after you next.... 1.) Andy - you are more wrong than Malibu! everyone beware of the fat bitch looking for a special is a cock!!! Evan! Just shag the bird if you really desperate house this september!!!!! 2.) Wanted: Hockey player who keeps more than 2! but SHUT UP about it you arse! She’s hideous Hello Lucy. Just to make the personals section anyway! Orange trousers...shaped like a pumpkin?! 3.) Don’t tell the lads things that are NOT true! He more interesting for you. who this is aimed at knows who he is Evan you sexy drunken tit you - I wanna give you they would have to be to fit that arse in them As a student i want to express utter a good seeing to...BOB Missing - 4 pairs of boxers, 3 bras and a memory disappointment that you never show a great FEAR the mind control badges! vareity of students on the website just the people Special,when are you gonna drop your trousers Is your name ‘Hello’? involved witht taking them, please show some again?your reputation remains tainted by your last Marks a geek la la la he plays quake la la la diversity and take photos of the many other performance! No one would know who I was if only I kould spel! students who enjoy going to the union! thankyou. It\’s the end of the world, we have run out of 2nd year student Dale, go on...you’re drivin’ us all crazy...come out cranberry wheats!!! It’s ok, the munchy worm is scared of orange the closet and ask Andy out!!! x panties!! I was only jesting! Has anyone seen my brown plates? (and orange hats) Shaggy gives large amounts of scummy head on Q: How do you steal an EX- boyfriend? tuesday nights AD if ur reading this....the cream is still Cheers for your girlfriends number escort! A: Hmm...You CAN’T...thats the point - they are untouched.....fancy a squirt or even a lil during an EX!!!! Drive, drive as fast as you can Leroy, you cant choppersquad? What do you mean sign a cheque? catch me cos...... YOUR TOO F**KING How does that flying ice work again donald?!! SLOW D Barnes...... superstar voice...simple as Wanted....chairman to cough up £120 for tour! Real Wages? More like real WHIP-ASS!!!!! Nick likes lines....?! davey-baby ---->NICE! RIP The Surrey Hockey Club. If anyone survives the weekend they obviously weren’t there! Mandy - how do you manage to get ‘that vibe’ off to the late night rangers well done lads L K & J! to all the civ eng 1st yr wed nite club,can any1 everyone?! remember anything from the vodka challange?? Toilet required at Jewsons! DGP: need some trousers? Ding! Dong!...... Dinga linga linga! To Rawson 1, U CAN’T STOP THE PARTY Mysterious vandal flattens hedges. Witnesses Social Secretary is get-up BOYS. Oh yeah ania, u love the party boys. confirm dwarf presence! Some heavy bass at H54... Keep it cummin Mmmmmmm. @@@!!!! runo and Ales are gona rile j00 all!!!!!! 10 hockey players, 7 hangovers and 40 mins of YAAAAAAAHH!! To the josh hartnett look-alike. U go faster than running. Surely a recipe for disaster. Zoya, i hope your top wasnt stretched, but i found the duracel bunny. Wink wink. Lots of love El yak stains down my shirt. Anytime you fancy Has anyone seen Chef’s handbags? I know plenty Greasebag After Chef and Beaker would it be fair to say you getting changed again, feel free to ask for my of people who’d love to get their hands on them! don’t really have a physical “type”? clothes. ;) Nice one guys! But funhouse and mullet 4 Now who forgot the steaks in the back of the president \’04! =) Sorry I couldn’t refuse his hunkyness long dog, long dog, long dog car???

Shaaaamon motherfuckers!! Hee hee! (not written by Sledgette) Cowboy Constructions inc. Victoria Venning sounds lovely...

Sarah, just shut the hell up, Damn it girl!!! :-) Anything Sledge can do, I can do better! Luv KENNARD! Dil Dhadakney Laga Yaad Jab Tujko Kiya...Koi To Sledgette Bata Yeh Kya Hai...Kya Yehi Pyar Haii?? Will, will you marry me , Love Jo Tim fancies Kristy, nah nana nana nah. No So I’m not happy-could you tell-sorry subtlety is comments. Oi Webbie! You are a very sad individual. Please Evan, just get a bloody move on and shag her will not my strong point stop sending in personals to yourself! you. She aint gonna wait forever you fat drunken I challenge thee to a duel. Come forth if you think welsh gimpus Bring on another weekend of Doom yourself worthy. Let the vodka challenge begin!!!. Oi Webbie! Please stop thinking your a stud.....cos you’re not!!! Rhys, why did you tell us all you were gay. You Barbie vs Malibu Stacey-an interesting concept- Lost memory. Can anyone help!!! Last seen should never be allowed to see Ben again but should not be acted out by one man! around surrey court. HELP!!!! Sweetboy, if only your girlfriend knew!!

Jon errrrrr....you smell...erm...really badly of poo Jay you are wrong. But happy birthday this weekend is going to be a blast-probably very Buttercups girl we r glad ur back!xXx colourful (in techniclour)...a pre-happy birthday to Bryan Adams Rocks - but i suppose listening Creating personals is the one of the better way to tim and a belated happy bithday to eve TIGER!!!! Take it all off!!! :) xxx to him 50 times a night is a bit far...get a life waste time! For others meet me at the bar and I’ll dunderbrains share all turkey pie, turkey pie, turkey pie! straight out to Badtz-Maru was on his way to Rich’s bedroom you DH-OL when he saw a shower. crazy havoc man! ,he said. I would appreciate it very much if you didnt offer All the way along the top row and back again is Suddenly, Pandaba appeared holding a spiffing to sit on my face Rhys. Your ladyfriend. still yet to be done on Monday but I will not be oh yeah i nearly forgot: andy smells. spliff. Follow me, said Pandaba, and the two beaten. friends spat down the street until they came to a wales officially suck ass..its official...i wanna If you’re going to do something wrong, do it right! Dave Rowe, figured out who I am yet?! This may huge table. drunkenly Badtz-Maru yelled towards die...stupid bloody charvis not be as obvious as it seems!! xxx the table while Pandaba moaned and sighed. Down If you’re going to do something wrong, do it wrong the road came a matress. It had 12 boobs and a going to ap every night 2 download porn does NOT properly, you chutney! Ilius - look who’s 24 and still wanting a shag - gy!!! mahoosive bottom. Pandaba and Badtz looked at constitute a life you sad welsh prick Happy Birthday from all of us xxx each other and burped. Yorkie’s Bridge is NOT for Girls! sit on my face and tell me that you love me...i’ll sit hanx for the scanner Katie, sure Alex will New Year’s Eve was coming up and Hello Kitty on your face and tell you that I love you too...i love Lost: 1 Wallett placed on Damp Floor to dry off appreciate it! hehehe was planning a teeny party at Liss’ bedroom. She too hear you oralize when your heads between my and for safe keeping? Now its been found I can sent invitations to all of her closest jublees, then thighs say it. Baby Janet has back dimples so they must be cool! went to buy lips, to decorate with. This would look enormous hanging on the salmon, said her ALL I WANT IS A DAMN SHAG! ANY WOMEN Wanted: Mechanic to accompany Ladies hockey We\’re not perverts, all we wanted was some twin sister, Mimmy. After leaving the store with NEEDING ANY PHONE 52144 FOR MORE on away matches. Must be able to fix minibuses cheese! a bag full of coconuts, Hello Kitty decided to go INFO started in gear to the badger shop to get yummy acorns for her Give me some love and lollipops any day of the friends to kiss. These towel-filled space cakes look Oh Vish, vish , VIIIIISH , ---howz rich? You prefer gingers. How nice-now get away from week delicious! she told the shopkeeper. And I will take me! some of that fruit tesco value squash to run, too! Rent a shag - evan jones - 52144 - he’s desperate, No matter how many miles I’ll have to fly from she added. Finally, it was new year’s eve. All of he’s sexy, and he’s got a willy of a black man...:-) So you’ve had how much wodka? France.I’ll definitely dance naked in the foam in 2 Hello Kitty’s girlfriends arrived wearing smokey weeks.Interested Marianna? fishcakes. hell yes!! announced Hello Kitty as she Cyber Sex is NOT REAL mister jones, so quit it Wow Sledge you lasted ten minutes-I am greeted her friends. Just before midnight, they all and look for a REAL woman instead, bitch! impressed-everyone else managed about four To tall Greek guy with a blond wig Fettish Night) held wigs and counted down the seconds. When hours!!! ... why haven’t you called me? You know were I the clock struck 69, everyone screamed that’s well go to battersea court for fun, and sex, and lots of live! hectic man!, and threw their goldfish in the face. drugs LOL did you ever consider alcohol was bad for you ...... neither is it really time to fall asleep and start the distinction between good and bad is very someone plz hit me, or something, did Wales Happy official birthday Recess-how about we start snoring! especially in one of the most serious and difficult to make if you can’t actually see what is actually Lose to Italy...HA HA di Bloody Ha! Go celebrating your 21st now..... tense moments of the film being done. England Go To the Birthday boys...congrats on survivng “oh colin”.....ok caz, there’s a time and place and bad dreams won’t stop me loving you. Sri Lankan cricket team officially suck the weekend-who would have thought a vodka the cinema is not it! 20 March 2003 SPORT & LIFESTYLE 23 almost accurate astrology UniSport finish the season in style because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive

Aquarius will encourage you to think that you have Despite your continual moans a chance with them. This will be wrong on Broxbourne 0 suggesting otherwise, there is two accounts: 1) your shoes are dirty and 2) UniSPORT Guildford 5 nothing a good night’s sleep you don’t wear matching socks. won’t cure you of. Unless you count In a tough National Squash League season Chlamydia, which, to all intents and Virgo without our no.1 player UniSPORT purposes, pretty much puts an end to any Constantly telling people how Guildford have finished in 4th place in the hopes you were harbouring for an active things they have experience also group stages after a 5 – 0 thrashing over “life” at university. happened to you, in a sort of “and this one Broxbourne who had already qualified for SPORTS DAY 1.00PM WEDNESDAY 26TH time at band camp” type of way is annoying the semi-finals. The team have had a hard MARCH AT THE VARSITY CENTRE Pisces and of no use to anyone. Get over yourself season without former world no. 4 Paul Keeping a diary hasn’t worked and actually contribute to a conversation. Johnson who has If you want to participate in this year’s out for you so far this year so been out injured since the Commonwealth sports day then pick up a leaflet from either why carry on trying to organise Libra Games in Manchester. This has meant that the Union or the Sport Centre. Teams must your life when personal organisers are so You will take a job and then the remaining male players have all had be mixed with at least 3 males and 3 females expensive and you end up throwing them ignore your job description. to raise their game as they play higher up playing each time. Events will include a away after April? Not that you were intending to the order. It has not all been bad. Former fun run, 6 sport round robin, tug o war, do the job anyway. Aside from this, you Surrey student Mick Biggs won 50% of presentation and prize draw, team karaoke Aries will refuse to include vowels in any written his matches and the Varsity crowd had the and bar games. If you’re up for it then get You’ve done endless reading correspondence. privilege of seeing former world champion your team together NOW! Closing date for on the subject and participated Ross Norman in action. It is now a building team entries is 5pm Friday 21st March. in hundreds of simulations, but Scorpio time for the Guildford based side to see if For more information contact Dave you will still find yourself unprepared for Police will immediately rule they can improve next season. Hitchcock on ext. 9201 or email actual sex. This is usual for fifteen year you out as a suspect in the [email protected] olds, but not for those in their twenties. Case of the Impressive, Well- Spoken, Toned, Articulate, Suave and Sexy UNIVERSITY SPORTS LEAGUES Taurus bandit. Do not take offence at this because Giving up your faith for Lent it wasn’t actually you that committed the If you want to see how well your teams have does not count, as no longer crime. How could it have been? done in this terms competition then visit our having faith means you do not website www.unisport.co.uk have to give up anything for Lent. You Sagittarius were only ever a pretend Christian anyway. You can’t seem to let go of the VACATION PROGRAMME fact that you are not a trend- Gemini setter; as such, refrain from There will be a skeleton programme of Despite proficiency with the wearing items of clothing/accessories you classes and courses occurring over the photocopier, deciding to copy wouldn’t actually let your mum see you Easter vacation. Details can be found from out the fifteen articles you wearing and be done with this phase you either from the Sport Centre or on our require for your essay by hand will result seem to be going through. website. in a) cramp, b) extended deadlines and c) more credit on your photocopy card than Capricorn you budgeted for. All three points will be The advent of sunshine over the disastrous. last few days will lead you to Answers on a postcard please words: victoria venning the conclusion that the smaller Having chosen a module for my degree which is largely philosophy, I have been starting Cancer the amount of time you spend cooking, the to ask myself some of those niggling questions, which I’m sure had Descartes and Plato You’ll eventually be the one to more sunshine for everyone else. This is baffled in their time. Can ‘love handles’ still be called by that name if they’re not being get the person you’ve been after, a totally irrational thought and one that we loved? Surely unloved ‘love handles’ are just unevenly distributed deposits of excess thanks to your patience and the hope will desert you just after your ham and fat, hanging about to annoy us. Why have men’s Speedo swimming trunks/pants (a.k.a fact that you don’t care that they’re dead. cheese toastie on Wednesday. banana hammocks) not been made illegal to wear in public places yet? There’s displaying your wares and then there’s simply being indecent. Do the makers of the ‘All-in-one-can, Leo The writer of these stars would like you full English breakfast’ actually believe that it’s contents will resemble anything like a Hanging around with attractive to know he has absolutely no idea. At all. ‘full English’? Having people all night at the Union Not even a little bit. Stop asking, will you? witnessed the opening, cooking and eating of one of these tinned atrocities, I can only say it looked less appetising than some Rowing club relief (for charity) the facts of life of the things I’ve seen on the pavement outside a pub on a Friday night. ON FRIDAY 14TH March, the University of BY MELISSA NG Why is it that there now Surrey Boat Club went head-to-head with seems to be an abundance the mighty UniSport in a 45,000 meter race trance, both crews got into the rhythm of of different varieties of on a rowing machine - all in aid of Comic the race. The whole event took just under 3 incontinence pads being Relief! On a more than perfect day for a hours to finish. USBC managed a great time advertised on TV and even being sold in non-specialist corner shops (do shops specialise race, the distance from Dover and Calais, of 156 minutes beating UniSport who ended in incontinence pads?)? This suggests that either bladders are becoming increasingly and back again, meant that both teams the race in 170 minutes. As soon as USBC weaker, or that there is now a convenient and hygienic way of catching those little drips needed to pace themselves in order to endure finished, they showed great team spirit by and leaks; which leaves me to wonder what was being used prior to this development... the distance set. Surrey went off hard at the helping UniSport complete the race. With Are people really so lazy that they feel the need to buy pre-baked potatoes or pre-grated start, by constantly changing person the event taking place at the Amphitheatre, cheese? Perhaps before too long manufactures will develop pre-chewed and pre-digested members every 20 strokes. UniSport students walking to and from lectures were food substances (and we all know what that’s called...) allowing us to become even more however, used a different tactic with generous with idle. Who knows? Is there any rational reason why string vests have suddenly entered the one member rowing the distance of their money. In total, £263.83 was raised fashion emporiums of this world as ‘must-have items’ for the summer? I was unaware that approximately 1,500 meters each, before for Comic Relief so a massive thank you to Rab C Nesbitt had replaced Versace, but then what do I know. I hope I have given you changing. With DJs Alex Pizzoferro and USBC, UniSport and everyone who donated something to ruminate upon, allowing you to procrastinate for a few moments, but now I’m Lukus pounding out the hard house and their spare change! afraid, it’s time to get back to academia..... 24 20 March 2003 SURREY PRIDE Surrey trampolinists take gold in nationals

IT ALL STARTED on Saturday the 8th March BY LARA WOOTTON when the trampoline squad packed into the UniS minibus heading for the BUSA months was actually 11 moves and not the National Trampoline finals at Brunel required 10, narrowly escaped falling off the university. It should be pointed out at trampoline (again!) to come in 13th place in this point that John (our driver) only the Advanced Mens. At least he remembered passed his minibus test a week before so the routine this year!! congratulations to him and a big thank you The most notable success came in the form for staying sober on the Saturday night and of our very own Club Chairman; invalid taxing us all across London! Ben Brennan, who earlier in the week Having taken 40 minutes to get there, with was advised not to compete due to a freak only one reverse round a mini roundabout, accident involving a trampoline spring. He we attempted to rendezvous with Brunel’s swapped his crutches for his leotard and Ben Clark, our ‘social co-ordinator’ for the whites to surprise us all by taking Gold evening by the daffodils. 3 U-turns later in the Advanced Mens with a fantastic set and after a 10 minute tour of every daffodil routine. Surrey enjoyed another Gold medal bed on the campus, we finally arrived at the when Kirsten Lawton beat off National social. squad teammate Claire Wright in the Elite The not-so raging social as it turned out to Ladies, with all the spectators watching in be, quickly moved to a South-Ealing bar silent awe. where we boogied the night away until the We finally made it back to campus at 8pm very early hours of the morning. after a 15 minute scenic detour into terminal After 3 hours sleep, the competition kicked 3 at Heathrow thanks to driver John and co- off at 9 am. Success was had all round; pilot Ben’s excellent navigational skills! At Both Surrey Novice competitors did least your camera skills have improved John brilliantly well to qualify for the final ten, (sort of)! I’m sure that future UniS teams with Emma James eventually finishing in will appreciate Johns donation of taped 10th place and Lara Wootton grabbing the travel music, which after being played at Bronze medal. Jo Harmer came 6th in a full pelt for the entirety of the journey, is Stag Hill Archers excel at Oxford very close Advanced Ladies competition, now jammed in the minibus player! her reward being a very tasty roast dinner, The UniS trampoline squad have effectively BY BARRY COTTRELL With the shooting over we chanced into a which John successfully managed to blag, managed to show that the keys to success pub for a beer or two. It wasn’t long before finally fulfilling her constant need for food. are freak accidents, a night of dancing and Once again we made the trip up to Oxford we left for another establishment that liked Emily Theobald carried on the success in drinking and 3 hours sleep! Well done to University to compete in their annual indoor to feed its customers! We unsurprisingly the Intermediate Ladies, just missing out on everyone who competed: John Horsman, tournament. We arrived early and made missed yet another medal ceremony, the final 10, coming in 11th place and John Kate Park, Lara Wootton, Emily Theobald, good use of this time by finding a toasted which is fast becoming our trademark Horsman, after discovering that the routine Emma James, Jo Harmer, Ben Brennan. sandwich shop. Feeling refreshed after our at competitions but we managed to find he had been practising for the last 6 walk we made our way to the set up area the person dishing out medals, much to where we bumped into a sea of blue. Not everyone’s relief! the dark blue kind but the shirts of Imperial I think overall we had a good shoot, and Left: the rowing club College who seem to be everywhere! But we while no PB’s were broken we did ourselves on their way to victory love them all the same. proud with the club claiming its third medal over UniSport in their The shoot began with high spirits after our in just two competitions. We start the fund-raiser for Red mostly successful BUSA held a few weeks outdoor season quietly confident! Nose day last week before. Nerves and equipment failure (aka in the Amphitheatre. bad technique!) got to some while others They raised a total of were off to a flying start. After two tiring £236 for charity. hours we all turned in respectable score For more informa- cards. The top boys finished separated by tion, see the story on only a handful of points with the rest not far the inside page of this behind. However, a special mention must edition. go to our top female archer and secretary Nadia Khan for her superb silver medal in the women’s open recurve class which was so nearly a gold. And we must not forget our star first year Matt who narrowly beat us laugh...the emphasis is very much on fun!! all! Nice one. Sports day Squads are mixed, with 7 players taking part at any one time (minimum 3 ladies). There 2003 will be a BBQ lit up with top quality tucker, YES THE TIME has come around again for as well as Bar deals of course throughout Sports writers and SPORTS DAY 2003!! This afternoon of the afternoon.....entry is £10 per team, £5 of fun and frolics will take place at the Varsity which you get back as bar vouchers, with the match reports Centre, on Wednesday 26th March, with the other £5 going to Disability Challengers. action kicking off at 1pm. So waste no more time, and enter your team If you are interested in writing The event this year will take place on today!! Forms are available from the Union sports articles for barefacts or if grass and the tarmac courts, and consists Sports Office, Sports Centre and Varsity you have a sports story/match of Football, Frisbee, Netball, Tennis, Pop Centre...... pass the word amongst your report, then please email our new Lacrosse, and a Tug-o-war challenge to mates, cos the more teams, the more fun!! finish off! Basically, if you haven’t been Any queries, see Kris Temple in the Union, sports editor, Eddison Ruswa on to a Sports Day before, it’s a cracking or Dave Hitchcock at the Sports Centre. [email protected]