Love Is The Most Powerful Healing Force In The World By Don Joseph Goewey
The terms cerebral and brainy are often used to describe a person who is remote, living in his or her own analytical world of thought, emotionally unavailable and socially awkward. These characteristics could not be less related to the neural properties of the brain. The human brain is a social organ, and its neural architecture is built for interpersonal connection. We are literally wired to feel connected to each other. That’s not an opinion; the scientific research supporting this statement is substantial. The quality of our relationships not only determines how well our brain and body function, but also how long we live. To the brain, connection is synonymous with survival to such an extent that any form of separation makes the brain nervous. Expose an infant primate to an unpleasant stressor, then place her in a room with primates that are strangers, and the stress reaction will exacerbate. Place the infant in a room with other primates who are her friends and family, and the stress reaction is mitigated.
Robert Sapolsky of Stanford relates a story about a boy from a psychologically abusive setting who was hospitalized with zero growth hormones in his bloodstream. Chronic stress had completely shut down the body’s growth system, threatening his life. Over the next two months the boy developed a close relationship with the nurse at the hospital—undoubtedly the first normal relationship he had ever had—and soon, amazingly enough, his growth hormone level zoomed back to normal. However, when the nurse went on vacation, the boy’s blood level dropped again. Then, immediately on her return, his blood level bounced back to normal. “Think about it,” Sapolsky commented. “The rate at which this child was depositing calcium in his bones could be explained entirely by how safe and loved he was feeling in the world.”
The research of Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers into the biochemical, neurological, and social foundations of love has led her to conclude that love is not an emotion; it is a drive more powerful than the sex drive, emanating from the engine of the brain.
Mirror Neurons The neural network most responsible for achieving our state of connectedness is the mirror neuron system. This cluster of nerve cells was discovered in 1996 in an experiment conducted on macaque monkeys. Researchers observed on brain scans that a specific cluster of brain cells fired in the frontal lobe of a monkey when it grabbed a peanut. The curious thing was that, in another monkey who was watching the first monkey grab the peanut, the same cluster of cells fired. The cells seemed to reflect the actions of the other monkey almost like a mirror reflects one’s image. As the researchers investigated further, it became easy for them to predict which specific neurons would fire based on the activity performed by one monkey and observed by another. The scientists dubbed this cluster of cells mirror neurons.
In humans, the mirror neuron system is highly developed. It provides the neural mechanism by which we are able to read each other and feel empathy. “With mirror neurons [we are] practically in another person’s mind,” states Dr. Marco Iacoboni of UCLA. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, writes, “Mirror neurons track the emotional flow, movement, and even intentions of the person we are with and replicate this sensed state in our own brain by stirring the same areas active in the other person. Mirror neurons offer a neural mechanism that explains emotional contagion, the tendency of one person to catch the feelings of another, particularly if strongly expressed. This brain-to-brain link may also account for feelings of rapport, which research finds depend in part on extremely rapid synchronization of people’s posture, vocal pacing, and movements as they interact.” Mirror neurons work both ways. My hostility bumps up your blood pressure; your nurturing love lowers mine. Biologically, friends are healing, enemies are toxic. This explains why research at Stanford has shown, over and over, that a willingness to forgive reduces serious health risks.
A Person-Centered Approach The psychological approach that maps to the way mirror neurons achieve interpersonal resonance is the person-centered approach formulated by Carl R. Rogers, Ph.D. Rogers’ approach rests on three essential conditions that are now at the center of nearly every form of psychotherapy, as well as theories of communication, conflict resolution, community building, and learning.
The Three Indispensable Conditions Carl Rogers formulated three indispensable conditions that must be present to create a climate of growth and resonance in a relationship. These conditions apply in any and all relationships, whether it is lover or friend, therapist and client, parent and child, leader and group, teacher and student, or management and staff. The conditions apply, in fact, in any situation in which the development of the person is a goal.
1. Genuineness The first condition is genuineness, realness, or congruence. The more a person is him or herself in the relationship, presenting no professional front or personal facade, the greater the likelihood for resonance and connection. This requires that we be aware of and open to the feelings and attitudes flowing within us as we relate to another. The term transparent catches the essence of this condition: we are willing to make ourselves transparent to the other person so the other person can clearly see what we are in the relationship. There is no holding back. There is a close matching, or congruence, between what is being experienced at the gut level, what is present in awareness, and what is expressed.
2. Acceptance The second attitude of importance in creating a climate for connection is acceptance and caring or what Rogers called unconditional positive regard. He refrained from using the word love to define this condition, but love is what it is. By love, I mean a positive, acceptant attitude toward whatever the other person is at that moment. We are willing for the other person to be whatever he or she is experiencing, whether confusion, resentment, fear, anger, courage, pride, kindness, or compassion. We value the other in a total, rather than a conditional, way.
3. Empathic Understanding The third facilitative quality of the relationship is empathic understanding. Being empathic is to perceive the point of view of another with accuracy, along with the emotional components and meanings. It means to sense the hurt or the pleasure of another as he or she senses it and to perceive the causes of the feelings as he or she perceives them. It is to enter another’s private world so completely that we lose all desire to evaluate and judge it. “This kind of sensitive, active listening is exceedingly rare in our lives,” Rogers stated. “We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change [in a relationship] that I know.”
Resonance proceeds from an accepting, empathic, and honest way of being in a relationship. This way of relating arises naturally in the absence of judging, advising, admonishing, ordering, or directing. It helps us to get in touch with our actual feelings and experience so we can become more real, less distorted, and ultimately achieve a close match between the person we strive to be and the person we are. Resonance means we are alive in the present moment, attuned to its ebbs and flows, and open to a state of becoming, rather than being fixed on who or what we think we should be or how another person should be. How Mirror Neurons Come Into Play The more a person feels accepted and prized, the more they tend to develop a more caring attitude toward themselves. Our acceptance literally mirrors in their brain as self-acceptance.
As a person is empathetically heard, it becomes possible for them to listen more accurately to the flow of their own inner experience. Our listening mirrors as self-understanding.
As a person understands and prizes him or herself, he or she becomes more congruent in ways that feel real, grounded and genuine. Our willingness to be authentic with another mirrors within them as the courage to be authentically who they are.
When all three attitudes are present in a relationship, resonance is inevitable. This is because it shifts the question from how can I change or fix this person to how can I provide a relationship which this person might use for personal growth?
Who doesn’t want a relationship with a person like that?
======About the Author:
Don Joseph Goewey has worked in some of the most stressful places on Earth - from cancer wards to refugee camps to corporate offices – helping people transcend stress and fear to reach a higher potential. He co-founded a human performance firm, ProAttitude, to end stress in the workplace. His new book, Mystic Cool defines a proven approach (featured in Outside Magazine January 2010) that literally rewires the brain to extinguish stress reactions and light up higher brain networks to sustain peak performance and greater well-being. To contact Don, email [email protected]. Learn more about his book and coaching program at http://mysticcool.com. For corporate training, visit http://proattitude.com.