To Those of You Who Are Newly Bereaved and Receiving Our Newsletter for the First Time s1

July 2014 Becky Long, Editor July Meeting: July 8, 2014 at 7:00 P.M. Room 271, Arborlawn United Methodist Church, 5001 Briarhaven Rd., Fort Worth

TCF National Office “Spread the Word” to email the When a child dies, at any age, link to family and friends. The Compassionate Friends the family suffers intense pain P. O. Box 3696 and may feel hopeless and isolated. Our chapter gets to keep 85% of Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 The Compassionate Friends the donations made to our team! Fax: 630-990-0246 provides highly personal comfort, Toll-free: 877-969-0010 hope, and support to every family 9 A.M. - 5 P.M., CST, Mon.-Fri. experiencing the death Email: of a son or a daughter, [email protected] a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, Website: and helps others better assist www.compassionatefriends.org the grieving family. The website contains links to all of the resources and services that TCF provides. Walk to Remember Facebook: Friends Asking Friends The Compassionate Friends/USA “TCF Fort Worth TX” Team Page In Spanish: Now Open for Donations Los Amigos Compasivos/USA The Walk to Remember will take Twitter: place on Sunday, July 13, at the Text follow TCFofUSA to 40404 National Conference in Chicago. Our chapter is hosting a team page which can be accessed from Additional Conference the Home Page of the National Accommodations Available Website. On the right hand The Hilton Rosemont/Chicago “News & Information” column, O'Hare is currently accepting click on “More information” reservations for TCF National under the “Friends Asking Conference attendees. The room Friends Virtual Walk,” then the rate is the same as the Hyatt - “Friends Asking Friends” yellow $129/night. Please call bar. On the left hand column of 888.452.6943 and mention the the Walk to Remember page, group code CPF when making under “Visitors,” click “Donate to your reservations. a Participant” and type in Steve Roberts in the participant search box, and follow the directions from there. You can also click Upcoming Meetings

July 8th – Chapter member Steve Roberts on A Dad’s Perspective Aug. 12th – Chapter member Becky Long shares the book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”

Driving Directions

From I-20, take the Hulen exit, stay on the service road across Hulen, turn right on International Plaza, the church is on your right. From I-30, take the Hulen exit and turn left, go 3 miles south on Hulen, turn right on Briarhaven, the church is on your left. If you park on the northeast side of the church, go in the main entrance; take the second hallway to your right, through the double doors and up the ramp to Room 271. If you park on the southwest side of the church, go in the sanctuary entrance and take the elevator that is just inside the door to your left up to Room 271.

Birthday Table

June and July birthdays will be celebrated at the July meeting. If your child’s, grandchild’s, or sibling’s birthday is in June or July, please feel free to bring a photo or memento of them to this month’s meeting. TCF Fort Worth Chapter Steering Committee Need to Talk? Regional Coordinator Listed below are parents, Chapter Leaders Bill Campbell grandparents and siblings who Jeff & Marty Martin 972-935-0673 have walked where you are today. 817-991-9121 [email protected] If you are having a difficult day [email protected] and just want to talk, please call. Treasurer Steve Roberts Addiction 817-914-8689 Helen 817-431-6964 [email protected] Auto Hospitality Jeff & Marty 817-991-9121 Marty Akeman 817-636-5645 Grandchild/Multiple Loss Lydia 817-829-3801 Christine Anderson 817-300-6196 Drowning Lydia Moore Debi 817-270-3275 817-829-3801 Drowning (young child) Newsletter Stacy 817-656-7540 or Becky Long 817-845-3433 817-275-9297 [email protected] Long Term Illness Librarian Marty 817-636-5645 Liz Hutchison Homicide/Only Child 817-726-3999 Steve 817-914-8689 or Welcome Bags [email protected] Janet DuPertuis Suicide/Only Child Committee Members Joy 817-453-2227 Jeff Abodeely Crys Aigner Suicide Jerry & Sharon Austry Glinda 817-485-3772 Charles & Genie Dean Jaye Sanford Siblings Cheryl 817-624-7043 or [email protected] Thanks to the staff members Middle of the night calls of Greenwood-Mt. Olivet Liz 817-726-3999 for manning the sign-in table and providing the name tags Want to share? at chapter meetings and printing, labeling and mailing If you have read an article, poem, the newsletter each month. book, or other material that has We really appreciate your help! helped you along your grief journey, please share it with our Chapter News If you wish for your love gift to be newsletter editor. We also listed in a particular month’s encourage you to submit Newsletter Editor Needed newsletter, it must be submitted by the your own works of poetry or 15th of the previous month. It is time to begin our search for a prose for our newsletter. Send donations to Steve Roberts new editor or editors for our P.O. Box 202654, Arlington, 76006 chapter newsletter. This transition could take place over several months, with the new editor(s) beginning by finding articles/poems to contribute and learning to setup the newsletter on the computer. Please contact Becky if you would be interested in serving our chapter in this way.

Refreshments

If you would like to bring refreshments to an upcoming meeting, please sign up at this month’s meeting or call one of our hospitality committee members. Many members bring refreshments during their loved one’s birth month, to celebrate their birthday with the group. Please note that drinks, cups, napkins, plates, and utensils are always provided by our chapter.

Love Gifts

A Love Gift is a donation made in honor of a child who has died or as a memorial to a relative or friend. They are tax deductible and are the only means that allow us to reach out to other bereaved families through books, programs and this newsletter. If you would like, you can specify that your love gift be used for the newsletter, continuing education/workshops, or books for our lending library. Mystery

I bought toys for my baby after she died Second Anniversary And I opened the cedar chest and put them inside And nobody ever knew but me Yes, I'm an adult over 40 The meaning of the mystery And Tom, little brother, was 25 Of brand new toys hidden here and there When he died returning from his bar exam. And not one baby anywhere. So what? Does grief have an end age? Andy Cipriano Does someone 40 plus not die too TCF Tallahassee, FL losing a sweet small playmate? I see him learning to roller skate I'm running beside the bike; The Solitude of Grief First game of the Cardinals' season And, scared, in the stands, There are wounds one can't assuage A "gorilla" running wild. For the cut is deep and bleeding Sleepy, at a drive-in, running around the zoo. Some wounds show no outward trace All that, and as an adult, I knew him too. For it's the heart that's sore and needing At graduations, How does one cope with a broken heart Proud in his own pad A heart that's cold and lonely Pouring Spanish champagne. From where the strength to carry on Tireless breaking wood feeding a hungry campfire From a grief that's shared . . . but yours only Cooking eggs for all, sharing dreams. This sibling remembers and grieves. Still in dreams we see them yet So young, so fair so alive Jeanne Brady I don't know how we cope with death TCF Olathe, KS But somehow – somehow we do survive This Can't Be Always a part of this heart of mine This is still such a shock to me Now tossed like a windblown leaf This really can't be! And I imprisoned in a world not mine In the solitude of grief I don't want to believe this is real This is not something that I want to feel! Harvey Hockstein You just came back, you can't leave for good TCF Morris Area, NJ In Memory of my daughter, Marilyn If I could change this all…I would. You were the one that was always there. You were the one to always care. My 3 Gifts For Lexi Now a picture is the only way to see you. I really don't know what to do. I gift to you a bucket, to hold a bucket full of tears, You'll always be my big sister, I’ve shed for you while grieving But life's not the same. These past long, long three years. Life without you seems so lame. I gift to you a special place, in the corner of my mind. No more car rides, no more late nights. For you to stay forever, No more singing and no more play fights. and pop out from time to time. Where are you? You should still be here. And, I gift to you that little piece, of my aching heart, Where are you? I can't find you anywhere. That you took along with you I need you still you just can't go away. When we had to part. I need you here, please come back and stay! For I have plenty more tears, and my mind has lots of space. Useless to pray you'll come back, you're gone. And, my heart is scarring over. God took you with Him to call his own. It forms a mask to hide my face. But you'll always be present here in our hearts. You always have been, right from the start. These little things I gift to you, please accept them with my love. And I know that you are forever near. This is still such a shock to me, Whether spirit, or angel above. This really can't be! That Anniversary

All our lives we've known about anniversaries. Our parents celebrated their Anniversary. The school we attended marked its Anniversary. While You Were Here The company honored your Anniversary when you started your career. When we held you as a newborn baby The Lions Club held a gala Our hearts pounding, our hands trembling with fear and awe to remember its Anniversary. I hope you knew we loved you. But there is one Anniversary When we walked around the house at night that we're never eager to recall. Holding you and singing, waiting for you to fall asleep It's That Anniversary. I hope you knew we loved you. When a child dies we retain vivid memories of that We picked you up with a hug fateful day. Time cannot rob us of the memory and And kissed your hurts as you took your first steps in life the grief of that awful and confusingly sad day. I hope you knew we loved you. Unlike your wedding date or your first day on the job or when you graduated from school, which may When you said "I hate you" have become hazy over time, the circumstances and Because we wouldn't let you have your way ticks of the clock of That Anniversary remain etched Or let certain things go unpunished in our minds. I hope you knew we loved you. Some of us do special "things" on That Anniversary. When we "badgered" you about studying We pray. We cry. We grieve. Some make an effort Because we knew you could pass that test to try to distract the intense sadness that That I hope you knew we loved you. Anniversary brings. Some walk on the beach or take When we could only stand and watch a ride in the country. We look at old photos or other As your high school principal suspended you memorabilia to remember and to ward off anything For "just being a teenager" that might cloud the memory of our daughters and I hope you knew we loved you. sons. When the court took away your license Friends and relatives also remember That And we took away your car Anniversary and may send a card or ask you out to For being irresponsible and breaking the law lunch or choose not to visit you showing respect for I hope you knew we loved you. your need for solitude. Regardless of how you deal When we watched as proud parents with That Anniversary, you cannot avoid it. As you received your degree in Graphic Arts Sometimes even the days leading up to That I hope you knew we loved you. Anniversary bring apprehension and uneasiness. That's OK. That Anniversary will always come (and When we did our best to make you realize go) as will the days before and after, too. The importance of love and choosing a path in life I hope you knew we loved you. The Compassionate Friends understands that on That Anniversary, as when it occurred, your heart is When we stood there crying and staring in disbelief heavy yet empty at the same time. It can be a At your body that no longer was alive confusing time. There may be guilt or remorse or I hope you knew we loved you. simply confusion. But it is up to you to sort it out Since you’re gone now and move ahead because after That Anniversary We cherish the memories of your 27 years there will be another and another. Surely your heart I hope you knew we loved you may not feel as heavy or as empty as time passes, but While you were here. That Anniversary will always be there. How you face it, how you mark it, how you remember it and Tom Murphy how you caress it is the key to moving forward and conditioning yourself for the next time That Anniversary occurs.

Michael Tyler What My Daughter Taught Me in Two Days

Anyone who knows me knows I believe that everything happens for a reason. I do not know the reason for what happened to Bailey. So far the doctors don’t know either. They say it could have been a virus that attacked and destroyed a perfect pregnancy. They say that we might never know what happened to her medically. I have spent countless hours trying to sort things out lately. But I don’t think we will ever truly know why she was taken. I do know, however that Bailey touched many lives in the short time she was here. And I’d like to share how she transformed my life in just two days; forever changing the way I look at things. She made me realize that I need to slow down and cherish the “little things” in life that people talk about and I could not even see. She makes me want to be a better father, a better husband, a better son, a better friend, and a better person. She brought me new meanings to the words compassion, caring, family, friendship, forgiving, unconditional love, selflessness, and thankfulness. Some of the things she taught me have to do with the way I look and “see” things. For example . . . When I first heard we were pregnant, I was excited, of course. But I was also scared silly. I remember selfishly thinking in the first couple of months of the pregnancy about our life. I even asked my wife “. . . Why do we want a baby now?” We have three other kids; 16, 13, and 9. My God, I am 43 years old! We have the perfect life; we come and go as we want, we do what we want, we vacation when and where we want. Our other children are older and can pretty much take care of themselves. All I could think about was myself and how a baby would get in the way . . . Now all I think about is her and how I would give anything to have her in my life. Recently, I was having lunch with a friend and there was a crying baby close by. I remember thinking how annoying it was and how I wished it would be quiet. I hate to admit it, but I was even questioning if I was ready for that noise again in my life . . . I never got to hear Bailey cry. Now, I would give anything to hear my baby cry. I remember “teasing” Kim about changing the baby’s diapers and that she would have to be in charge of that department. I would have helped her of course, but not really enjoyed it, and probably complained about it . . . Now, I would give anything to change Bailey’s diapers. We talked about daycare and complained about the high cost of daycare . . . Now, I would give anything to write that check. I would not let Kim buy any diapers until just recently at Sam’s Club, even though she wanted to buy the first diapers 6 months ago . . . Then, in those last hours, I hoped and prayed for Bailey to wet as it would have been a positive sign of recovery. Now, I would give anything to get to pay for diapers. I had not been tucking in our other children at night as faithfully as I once did, thinking, they’re old enough now . . . Now, I will tuck them in until THEY tell me not to. I forgot how much that meant to them. I used to see children throwing temper tantrums when we were out and sometimes think, Thank God my kids are older so I do not have to deal with that . . . Now, I would give anything to see Bailey throw a temper tantrum. We have brand-new white carpet in our house and I remember thinking and hoping that it would not get soiled with the new baby . . . Now, I’d love to have that problem. I recently had a discussion with my wife about how we would deal with the night feedings. I thought to myself, she is going to be a stay-at-home mom. That’s her job. I need to be rested. And she even agreed that she would be doing most of that ‘chore’ . . . Oh, how blind I was. Now, I would be so thankful to be exhausted when I went in to work because I was up half the night with the baby. My friends at work have been teasing me and saying how my world was going to change soon with the baby coming. They were right, but for a different reason. Thanks to my daughter Bailey, my world and life have changed forever. I am so thankful I knew her and I am grateful for what she taught me in just two days. I love you, Bailey. I thank you, and I will miss you forever. Steven wrote and delivered this at Bailey’s funeral. He and his wife, Kimberly, have three other children, Whitney, Taylor, and Jessica.

Steve Bryant TCF Des Moines, IA The Child Who Wasn’t Perfect

ChapterNon-Profit Website Organization U.S. Postage Paid www.thecompassionatefriendsfw.comPermit #2321 Fort Worth, Texas 2501 Millikin Drive Arlington, TX 76012

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July 2014

Fort Worth Chapter Meeting

Date: July 8, 2014 Refreshments: If you would like to bring refreshments, please call one of our hospitality committee members. Check In: 6:30 P.M. Program Time: 7:00 P.M. Program: Chapter member Steve Roberts on A Dad’s Perspective of Grief Room 271 Arborlawn United Methodist Church 5001 Briarhaven Rd., Fort Worth Directions to the church can be found on the front page of the newsletter. To those of you who are newly bereaved and receiving our newsletter for the first time, we warmly welcome you to The Compassionate Friends. We are a self-help organization of parents, grandparents and adult siblings who have experienced the death of a loved one. We offer understanding and support through our monthly meetings, a lending library, support materials and loving telephone listeners. Please do not be afraid to come to a gathering. Every other person in the room has lost a child, grandchild or sibling. They come because they feel the need to be with someone else who understands. We know it takes courage to attend that first gathering, but those who do come find an atmosphere of understanding from others who have experienced the grief that you have now. Nothing is asked of you. There are no dues or fees and you do not have to speak. There is a special feeling at meetings of The Compassionate Friends. We meet the second Tuesday of every month