HOW to SUCCEED Set Changes

1 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

HOW TO SUCCEED set changes

ACT ONE SCENE 1 : LOBBY

SET: LOBBY

(FINCH—dressed in a workman’s overalls—is washing a window with a squeegee and pail as he reads a book. DANIEL DAMBROS is standing guard at the elevators. JANITORS BOBBY HALL and DANIEL JAMES each have a mop and are mopping the floor using the same pail. JANITORS NOAH LECLAIRE and ANDREW VAN CAMP are standing by a janitor’s cart with their backs to the audience, chatting. )

LIGHTS: Full stage and extension lighting, but a little low—the workday has not yet begun.

BOOK: Dear Reader, this little book is designed to tell you everything you need to know about the science of getting ahead. Now let us assume you are young, healthy, clear-eyed, and eager. . .anxious to rise quickly and easily to the top of the business world. You can!

FINCH: I can!

BOOK: If you have education and intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember most have reached the top without any of these qualities. Just have courage and memorize the simple rules in the chapters that follow. If you truly wish to be among the lucky golden few, you can.

FINCH: I can!

SONG #2: HOW TO SUCCEED

HOW TO APPLY FOR A JOB, HOW TO ADVANCE FROM THE MAILROOM, HOW TO SIT DOWN AT A DESK, HOW TO DICTATE MEMORANDUMS, HOW TO DEVELOP EXECUTIVE STYLE—HOW TO COMMUTE IN A THREE BUTTON SUIT WITH THAT WEARY EXECUTIVE SMILE. THIS BOOK IS ALL THAT I NEED: HOW TO, HOW TO SUCCEED.

HOW TO OBSERVE PERSONNEL, HOW TO SELECT WHOM TO LUNCH WITH, HOW TO AVOID PETTY FRIENDS, HOW TO BEGIN MAKING CONTACTS. HOW TO-- 2 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BOOK: How to choose the right company. Before applying for a job, make sure you have chosen the right company. It is essential that the company be a big one. It should be at least big enough so that nobody knows exactly what anyone else is doing.

(People in the following scenes enter and freeze. They come to life when FINCH moves to each group and then they freeze again.)

LIGHTS: Raise lights to daytime levels.

Conversation 1: GATCH, JENKINS, JOHNSON

GATCH: Jenkins—I’ve got a complaint from our dealers in Cleveland. . .about that last shipment of wickets. They ordered three hundred thousand. . .and only got half.

JENKINS/CARNES: I know, Mr. Gatch, but they wanted two-toned wickets, and we ran out.

JOHNSON/HOMMRICH: Ran out? What is this, a hot dog stand?

GATCH: We are the World Wide Wicket Company. We’re the largest producers of wickets in the world.

JENKINS: Now take it easy, Mr. Gatch. There was trouble at our Eastern branch—a breakdown.

GATCH: Well, get on the ball. We’ve got to keep Cleveland wicket-minded.

JENKINS: Yes, sir. (He moves to Mr. Matthews.)

Conversation 2: JENKINS, MATTHEWS

JENKINS (cont’d): Mr. Matthews—any news about the breakdown?

MATTHEWS/SCHROEDER: Oh, I’m feeling much better.

Conversation 3: PETERSON, TACKABERRY

PETERSON/JOHNS: Say, Tackaberry—did you get my memo?

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: What memo?

PETERSON: My memo about memos. We’re sending out too many memos, and it’s got to stop.

TACKABERRY: All right. I’ll send out a memo. (Freeze.)

FINCH: The right company! 3 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

THIS BOOKS IS ALL THAT I NEED—HOW TO, HOW TO SUCCEED!

(Frozen people exit. ROSEMARY enters as BIGGLEY enters surround by three BUSINESS EXECUTIVE HENCHMEN. FINCH bumps into him, knocking him down. The HENCHMEN and SECURITY OFFICER REILLY help him up.)

MR. DAVIS/WILLINGER: Are you all right, Mr. Biggley?

MR. TOYNBEE/CRONE: Anything bruised, Mr. Biggley?

MR. GREEN/STAPP: Shall I brush off your coat, Mr. Biggley?

OFFICER REILLY/DAMBROS: Let me straighten your hat, Mr. Biggley.

BIGGLEY: Never mind, never mind. (Roars.) Back to work, everyone. (Glares at FINCH.) I said, back to work.

FINCH: I’m sorry I bumped into you, sir, but I would like to apply for a job.

BIGGLEY: Do you know who I am?

FINCH: No, sir.

BIGGLEY: I’m J. B. Biggley, the president of this company. That’s who I am. In fact, that’s who the hell I am. How dare you come to me for a job?

FINCH: I’m sorry, sir, but--

BIGGLEY: I have a whole damn personnel department who takes care of that. Son, you bumped into the wrong man. (Heads off, muttering.) Damn damn coal-burning dithering ding ding ding. . .

ROSEMARY: I’m sorry. I know how hard it is to find a job.

FINCH: Thank you, Miss. You’re very kind. Could you tell me where the personnel office is?

ROSEMARY: Right there. Say—my friend Smitty works in Personnel. Maybe she can help you. Wait right here. (Exits. BRATT walks on and sees FINCH about to open the door to the PERSONNEL office.)

BRATT: Where do you think you’re going?

FINCH: To see the Personnel manager, sir.

BRATT: I’m the Personnel Manager, and we’re not hiring today.

FINCH: I was just speaking to Mr. Biggley— 4 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BRATT: Biggley?

FINCH: Yes, sir.

BRATT: J.B. Biggley?

FINCH: Yes, sir. He told me to come see you. (FINCH SMILE to audience.)

BRATT: J.B. Biggley himself? Is he a friend of yours?

FINCH: Sir, I don’t think a man should trade on friendship to get a job.

BRATT: Very well put, young man. Well, if you step into my office, I think we can work something out. My name is Bratt. And you are. . ..

FINCH: Finch, sir. Pierrepont Finch.

BRATT: (Laughing.) Pierrepont. Say, maybe that ought to be J. Pierrepont Finch.

FINCH: As a matter of fact, sir, it is.

BRATT: (Stops laughing.) Well, step into my office. (As they exit, ROSEMARY drags SMITTY in.)

ROSEMARY: This is important, Smitty. I know you can help him. You’re Bratt’s secretary. He’ll listen to you.

SMITTY: Fill me in, girl. Wherefore is this creep different from all other creeps?

ROSEMARY: He’s not a creep, Smitty. He has a sort of noble courage, yet deep down I feel he’s sort of helpless.

SMITTY: Rosemary, your mother instinct is a big drag. (BRATT comes out of his office, laughing at a joke, followed by FINCH who has a big cigar in his mouth.)

BRATT: Nice to have you aboard, Finch.

FINCH: Happy to ship out with you, sir.

SMITTY: Who is that?

ROSEMARY: My helpless friend. Isn’t he adorable?

BRATT: My secretary will take care of getting your particulars. Smitty,-- (He indicates FINCH. ROSEMARY steps in front of SMITTY.)

ROSEMARY: I’m Rosemary Pilkington.

BRATT: Mr. Finch will be starting out in the mailroom. Glad you don’t mind that, Finch. 5 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: Sir, in a big pond like this, everyone must begin as a little fish.

SMITTY: Even a barracuda.

(GATCH enters and sees BUD crossing to the elevator.)

GATCH: Bud, have you guys in the mailroom send out those wicket catalogs yet?

BUD: I don’t know. I’m going to lunch.

GATCH: At eleven o’clock? Why?

BUD: Because I’m the boss’s nephew—that’s why. (Steps inside an elevator.)

BRATT: Oh, Bud! (Motions him over and turns to FINCH.) That’s Bud Frump, Mr. Biggley’s nephew. (To Bud.) This is Mr. Finch. He’s going to be working with you in the mailroom. (FINCH offers his hand to Bud.)

BUD: I’m Bud Frump, Mr. Biggley’s nephew.

FINCH: How do you do.

BRATT: Smitty, get Mr. Finch’s information. (To FINCH.) Finch, nice to have you on our team.

FINCH: Glad to be playing with you, sir. (BRATT exits.)

BUD: Finch, if you just remember who I am and remember who you are, we’ll get on fine. If not—

ROSEMARY: You’ll go crying to your uncle.

BUD: I beg your pardon. I do not go crying to my uncle. If I feel anything is wrong, I phone my mother. She phones her sister—who happens to be J. B. Biggley’s wife. And then Mrs. Biggley phones Mr. Biggley. That’s the democratic way. (Exits.)

SMITTY: Mr. Finch, I need to get your particulars. My first question—

ROSEMARY: Do you have a girlfriend?

FINCH: A girlfriend? No.

ROSEMARY: Good. I mean, it’s wise not to have entanglements when you’re starting out.

SMITTY: Rosemary, if you are through with Mr. Finch, we’ll step into my office and get his form filled out. (Indicates that FINCH should step in.)

ROSEMARY: Good luck, Mr. Finch. 6 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: Thank you, Miss, uh—

ROSEMARY: Pilkington. Rosemary Pilkington. (She pulls SMITTY back.) I think he’s fascinating.

SMITTY: I’ve seen some eager beavers, but this boy is the eagerest beaver of them all.

ROSEMARY: New Rochelle!

SMITTY: Huh?

ROSEMARY: Or maybe White Plains. No. . .

SONG #3: HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM.

ROSEMARY: New Rochelle.

SMITTY: Huh?

SMITTY: What are you talking about?

SMITTY: What about it?

ROSEMARY: THAT’S THE PLACE WHERE THE MANSION WILL BE. FOR ME AND THE DARLING BRIGHT YOUNG MAN I’VE PICKED OUT FOR MARRYING ME. HE WILL DO, I CAN TELL. SO IT ISN’T A MOMENT TOO SOON TO PLAN MY LIFE IN NEW ROCHELLE, THE WIFE OF MY DARLING TYCOON.

SMITTY: Honey, you’ll be in New Rochelle. Your darling tycoon will be here in the office.

ROSEMARY: Smitty, I—

SMITTY: The future Mrs. Finch is in for some lonely nights. (Exits)

ROSEMARY: I’m prepared for exactly that sort of thing. (To TWO SHOPPERS who enter with multiple shopping bags filled with purchases.) I’LL BE SO HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM WHILE HE GOES ONWARD AND UPWARD, HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM TILL HE COMES WEARILY HOME FROM DOWNTOWN. (To OFFICER REILLY) I’LL BE THERE WAITING UNTIL HIS MIND IS CLEAR, WHILE HE LOOKS THROUGH ME, RIGHT THROUGH ME, WAITING TO SAY, “GOOD EVENING, DEAR—I’M PREGNANT-- 7 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

WHAT’S NEW WITH YOU FROM DOWNTOWN?” (TO THE NUNS AND THEIR SCHOOL CHILDREN.) OH, TO BE LOVED BY A MAN I RESPECT, TO BASK IN THE GLOW OF HIS PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE NEGLECT. OH, TO BELONG IN THE AURA OF HIS FROWN, DARLING BUSY FROWN! SUCH HEAVEN— (To JANITORS.) WEARING THE WIFELY UNIFORM WHILE HE GOES ONWARD AND UPWARD, HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM TILL HE COMES WEARILY HOME FROM DOWNTOWN. (She perches on their rolling cart to be rolled off.)

(At the end of the song, the COFFEE VENDOR wheels in his coffee trolley containing a large coffee urn and several stacks of cardboard cups [glued together so they don’t topple over]

MATT VETTER: Coffee break!

MISS KRUMHOLTZ (Who enters from the opposite side.): It’s about time.

(OFFICE BOYS, AND OTHER PEOPLE IN THE SONG rush in. ZOMBIE COFFEE CHOIR MEMBERS RUN DOWN TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE. Men are wearing navy dress pants, white shirts, ties. Women are wearing white blouses and plain skirts. [Exceptions: Ross and Connor wear their suits ;Daniel wears his security outfit; Each carries his or her own coffee mug (no logos on it)).

SR stairs Center stairs Front side stairs SL stairs

Carson Rachel Johnny Bobby Palmer Natalie K Daniel J Connor Megan Phil M Logan Andrew VC David Noah Harrison Jennifer Sarah Charles Taylor Ross

BUD pushes his way to the front of the line and discovers--)

BUD: There’s no coffee

ALL: No coffee! No coffee!

SMITTY: No coffee?

BUD: No coffee!

SONG #4: COFFEE BREAK 8 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

SMITTY: No coffee!

(ZOMBIE CHOIR MEMBERS collapse to the ground and lie there.)

IF I CAN’T TAKE MY COFFEE BREAK, MY COFFEE BREAK, MY COFFEE BREAK IF I CAN’T TAKE MY COFFEE BREAK, SOMETHING WITHIN ME DIES—

ALL: LIES DOWN AND SOMETHING WITHIN ME DIES!

SMITTY: IF I CAN’T MAKE THREE DAILY TRIPS WHERE SHINING SHRINE BENIGNLY DRIPS AND TASTE CARDBOARD BETWEEN MY LIPS-- SOMETHING WITHIN ME DIES!

ALL: LIES DOWN AND SOMETHING WITHIN ME DIES!

1 MICHAEL HOMMRICH: NO COFFEE!

2 NICOLE KAREM: NO COFFEE!

3 KYLE FITZGERALD: NO COFFEE!

4 ANNA MEDLEY: NO COFFEE!

5 MICHAEL BAILEY: NO COFFEE!

6 SPENCER DAVIS: NO COFFEE!

7 KATIE HEIT NO COFFEE!

8 BRAD MIDDLETON : NO COFFEE!

SMITTY: THAT OFFICE LIGHT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE FLUORESCENT, I’LL GET NO PAINS IN THE HEAD. THAT OFFICE CHAIR DOESN’T HAVE TO BE FOAM RUBBER, SO IF I SPEAD, I SPREAD. BUT ONLY ONE CHEMICAL SUBSTANCE GETS OUT THE LEAD!

ALL: LIKE SHE SAID!

(ZOMBIE CHOIR MEMBERS twitch back to life and start to exit through the aisles like zombies.)

IF I CAN’T TAKE MY COFFEE BREAK, MY COFFEE BREAK, MY COFFEE BREAK IF I CAN’T TAKE MY COFFEE BREAK,--

SMITTY & BUD: GONE IS THE SENSE OF ENTERPRISE.

ALL: ALL GONE AND SOMETHING WITHIN ME DIES. NO COFFEE, NO COFFEE, NO COFFEE, NO COFFEE, NO COFFEE, NO COFFEE, NO COFFEE, NO COFFEE—(SCREAMS) IF I CAN’T TAKE MY COFFEE BREAK— 9 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

SMITTY: SOMEHOW THE SOUL NO LONGER TRIES.

ALL: COFFEE, COFFEE—

BUD: SOMEWHERE I DON’T METABOLIZE--

ALL: COFFEE, COFFEE—

SMITTY & BUD: SOMETHING WITHIN ME—

ALL: COFFEE OR OTHERWISE-- COFFEE OR OTHERWISE-- COFFEE OR OTHERWISE-- SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME DIES! (MATT VETTER re-enters down aisle 2 with a steaming pot of coffee. LUKE & NOLAN spot it.)

LUKE PEARSON: What’s that?

NOLAN HOVELL: A coffee pot!

NATALIE CRONE: Coffee! (The others join in screaming “Coffee” and chasing the VENDOR like a lynch mob out through the aisles. FINCH enters with a basket of mail, reading his book. )

LIGHTS: Stage goes dark. We need two areas on the platform with isolated lights—like the one on Jesus last year for “Beautiful City.” This should be up.

CURTAIN SCENE I, 1

BOOK: You have alertly seized your opportunities and are now on the first rung of the ladder. You are working in the mailroom. One word of caution about the mailroom—it is a place out of which you must get. Do not get stuck in the mailroom!

LIGHTS: Lights up on stage. 10 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE, SCENE 2 Lobby, a week later

FINCH is carrying mail. BUD enters. Janitors Noah, Bobby, Andrew VC, and Daniel James lean on mops, smoking.. In their Secretary outfits, Sarah, Rachel, Megan, Natalie K, and Jennifer crowd together looking through an issue of VOGUE. In their Office Boy outfits, Logan, Taylor, and Charles huddle, telling jokes. In their suits, Connor and Ross lean against the proscenium, smoking.)

BUD: Finch, what have you got there?

FINCH: It’s the executive mail.

BUD: I’ll take that.

FINCH: But I’m merely trying to do my job. (ROSEMARY enters and hears this.)

BUD: The executive mail is my job. Finch, if you have any ideas of climbing the corporate ladder around here, the view is going to get awfully monotonous. Every time you look up—you’ll see the seat of my pants. (Exits.)

ROSEMARY: Bud Frump is just jealous of you.

FINCH: Thank you for defending me, Miss Pilkington.

ROSEMARY: Please call me Rosemary.

FINCH: Okay. . .if you’ll call me Ponty.

ROSEMARY: Okay, Ponty. The big executives will notice you. Just be patient.

FINCH: Patient! Do you realize how long I’ve been working here? One whole week!

ROSEMARY: (Takes the flower out of her hair and puts it in his buttonhole.) Happy anniversary. (Sees MISS JONES approaching DOWN AISLE 3.) Oh, oh! Here comes the Dragon Lady.

FINCH: Huh?

ROSEMARY: Miss Jones! Mr. Biggley’s secretary. Look busy! (Everyone in the lobby suddenly looks panicked. Members from each group scatter—each in a different direction. MISS JONES sails across, but FINCH intercepts her.)

FINCH: Pardon me, ma’am. (Takes the flower out of his buttonhole.) You should be wearing this. It complements the color of your eyes. (He starts off.)

MISS JONES: Young man! You want me to have this flower? You don’t know who I am? 11 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: That doesn’t matter. What matters is that the flower seemed to cry out to be worn by you.

MISS JONES: Young man, I’m Miss Jones. Mr. Biggley’s secretary.

FINCH: No! You can’t be. I mean. . . that is. . .you just can’t be.

MISS JONES: Why not?

FINCH: Well, from Bud Frump’s description of you. . .I’d never have. . .I mean, you’re not a frightening person.

MISS JONES: Thank you.

FINCH: If it’s not out of place for me to say so, Miss Jones. I think you’re a very attractive person. . .no matter what Bud Frump says.

MISS JONES: What did you say your name was?

FINCH: Finch, ma’am. F-I-N-C-H. Pierrepont Finch.

MISS JONES: How is it that I haven’t seen you before?

FINCH: Oh, I’m not supposed to deliver the executive mail. That’s his job. Bud Frump. F-R-U-M-P.

MISS JONES: Mmmmmm. Well, thank you very much, Finch. You’re an interesting young man.

FINCH: Thank you, Miss Jones. (GATCH enters.)

GATCH: Say, Jonesy—(FINCH pretends to tie his shoelace so he can eavesdrop.)—I’d like an appointment with the boss at around three.

MISS JONES: I’ll check on it, Milt, and let you know.

GATCH: Flowers? You got a new boy friend, Jonesy?

MISS JONES: This was given to me by a very nice young man. You should know him. His name is Finch.

FINCH: (Pops up.) Yes?

MISS JONES: Finch, this is Mr. Gatch.

FINCH: How do you do, Mr. Gatch.

GATCH: Hello.

MISS JONES: Mr. Gatch would be a good man for you to know. His department is very important. 12 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: Oh, I know all about Mr. Gatch. He’s in charge of—(rattling it off)—Plans and Systems and Interdepartmental Evaluation. Also Pre-Promotional Promotions, Post-Administrative Research, and Multiple Development on Multiple Levels.

GATCH: Hey, Jonesy, this is a smart one. I didn’t know I did all that. (Exits.)

FINCH: I hear Mr. Gatch has an opening in his department.

MISS JONES: He has, but he hasn’t chosen anyone yet. Well, thank you for the flower, young man.

FINCH: You’re welcome, Miss Jones. (She starts off as BUD enters.)

BUD: Hi, Jonesy!

MISS JONES: That’s Miss Jones to you! (Exits.)

BUD: Finch, quit goofing off. You’ve got to pick up the second delivery! (Exits.)

FINCH: (To ROSEMARY.) I’ve got to go to work now. Thanks for the flower, Rosemary.

ROSEMARY: Thanks for the flower! You gave it to Miss Jones.

FINCH: Surely you don’t begrudge an old lady a moment of happiness. (She sighs, acquiescing.) Thanks for understanding, Rosemary. (Exits as SMITTY enters.)

SMITTY: How’s it going with Mr. Up and At ‘Em?

ROSEMARY: He’s. . .he’s. . .Smitty, what’s the opposite of a sex maniac?

SMITTY: A businessman.

(LIGHT up on BUD on the phone as the set changes.)

LIGHTS: Stage goes dark. One of the two specialty lights up on BUD.

SET: Change to Mailroom on one side; Biggley’s desk and chair on the other.

CURTAIN SCENE I, 2

BUD: Hello, Mother? It’s Bud. ( Pauses for his mother’s response.) I know I left without my sweater, but it’s warm. Now, look, Mother. . .I just found out something important. There’s going to be a new head of the mailroom, and I want that job. You’ve got to call Aunt Gertrude— ( Pauses for his mother’s response.) Yes, I know I’m next in line, but there’s a new fellow working here who has me worried. ( Pauses for his mother’s response.) Oh, he works hard, comes in on time, never goofs off, he’s polite. . .you know, a real rat. 13 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

(BUD freezes. An intercom buzzes. Lights up on BIGGLEY at his desk who presses against the intercom.)

BIGGLEY: Yes, what do you want, Miss Jones?

MISS JONES’ VOICE: Mr. Biggley, your wife is calling.

BIGGLEY: Well, tell her I’m busy. . .tell her I’m in a meeting. . .tell her I’m out. . .damn it, put her on. (He picks up the phone. His voice becomes affectionate.) Hello, Gertrude. Glad you called. What’s on your mind? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, Gertrude, I can’t help you there. The head of the mailroom should pick his own successor. I can’t switch signals in the middle of a play. It would upset the whole team. If I interfered, it would be nepotism. Nepotism. That’s when your nephew is a damned fool. (Hangs up.) Damn it! (Pushes intercom button.) Miss Jones—I’ve told you that talking to my wife upsets me. I need something to calm my nerves. Bring me. . . (lowers his voice and looks around)—my you-know-what.

MISS JONES’ VOICE: Right away, Mr. B. (MISS JONES sneaks in secret agent style and gives Mr. B a wrapped packet. He opens it and pulls out knitting.)

BIGGLEY: Ahh. . ..

LIGHTS: Lights out on BIGGLEY and up on the MAILROOM side of stage. These lights will light up most of the stage.

SET: Biggley’s desk and chair go out. 14 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE, SCENE 3 The Mailroom

FINCH is sorting mail into wire baskets while BUD is waiting for a phone call at the phone on the mailroom desk. TWIMBLE is watching FINCH.

TWIMBLE: Finch, as the head of the entire mailroom, I’m very pleased with your work. You really have an inborn gift for mailroomery.

FINCH: Thank you. Coming from you, Mr. Twimble, that’s great honor. (Phone rings. BUD answers.)

BUD: Mailroom. (He listens and then hands the phone to TWIMBLE.) It’s for you, Twimble. Mr. Bratt in Personnel.

TWIMBLE: Ah, this may be a very important call for some of us. (Takes call.)

BUD: What’s the idea of trying to butter up Twimble? Believe me, it won’t do any good.

FINCH: Just because I’m nice to a man, does that mean I have to have an angle?

BUD: If anybody’s going to get his job—

TWIMBLE: Thank you, Mr. Bratt. (Hangs up.) Well, boys, it looks as if they’re going to promote old Twimble to the shipping department.

FINCH: Congratulations!

BUD: Who’s going to be the new head of the mailroom?

TWIMBLE: Mr. Bratt has left the choice to me. . .but he did caution me that I’m to choose my successor on merit alone.

BUD: That’s not fair. I’m going out for a smoke. (Exits.)

TWIMBLE: He’s going to call his mother. But it’s not going to help him if I have anything to say. I have someone else in mind for this job.

FINCH: Mr. Twimble, you’ve been with this company a long time, haven’t you?

TWIMBLE: Last month I became a quarter of a century man. (Shows FINCH the medal.)

FINCH: And how long have you been in the mailroom?

TWIMBLE: Twenty-five years. Yep, it’s not easy to get a medal like this. It takes a combination of skill, diplomacy, and bold caution. 15 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

SONG #5 THE COMPANY WAY

WHEN I JOINED THIS FIRM AS A BRASH YOUNG MAN, WELL, I SAID TO MYSELF, “BRASH YOUNG MAN, DON’T GET ANY IDEAS.” WELL, I STUCK TO THAT AND I HAVEN’T HAD ONE IN YEARS!

FINCH: You play it safe!

TWIMBLE: I PLAY IT THE COMPANY WAY. WHEREVER THE COMPANY PUTS ME, THERE I’LL STAY.

FINCH: BUT WHAT IS YOUR POINT—

TWIMBLE: I HAVE NO POINT OF VIEW.

FINCH: SUPPOSING THE COMPANY THINKS—

TWIMBLE: I THINK SO TOO.

FINCH: What would you say if—

TWIMBLE: I wouldn’t say.

FINCH: YOUR FACE IS A COMPANY FACE.

TWIMBLE: IT SMILES AT EXECUTIVES THEN GOES BACK IN PLACE.

FINCH: THE COMPANY FURNITURE—

TWIMBLE: OH, IT SUITS ME FINE.

FINCH: THE COMPANY LETTERHEAD—

TWIMBLE: A VALENTINE.

FINCH: Is there anything you’re against?

TWIMBLE: Unemployment.

FINCH: WHEN THEY WANT BRILLIANT THINKING FROM EMPLOYEES—

TWIMBLE: THAT IS NO CONCERN OF MINE.

FINCH: SUPPOSE A MAN OF GENIUS MAKES SUGGESTIONS—

TWIMBLE: WATCH THAT GENIUS GET SUGGESTED TO RESIGN. 16 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: SO YOU PLAY IT THE COMPANY WAY.

TWIMBLE: ALL COMPANY POLICY IS BY ME OKAY!

FINCH: YOU’LL NEVER RISE UP TO THE TOP—

TWIMBLE: BUT THERE’S ONE THING CLEAR: WHOEVER THE COMPANY FIRES, I WILL STILL BE HERE.

FINCH: You certainly found a home.

TWIMBLE: It’s cozy.

FINCH: YOUR BRAIN IS A COMPANY BRAIN.

TWIMBLE: THE COMPANY WASHED IT, AND NOW I CAN’T COMPLAIN.

FINCH: THE COMPANY MAGAZINE?

TWIMBLE: WHAT STYLE, WHAT PUNCH!

FINCH: THE COMPANY RESTAURANT?

TWIMBLE: EV’RY DAY, SAME LUNCH. Their haddock sandwich—it’s delicious.

FINCH: I must try it.

TWIMBLE: Early in the week.

FINCH: DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES?

TWIMBLE: I’VE A HOBBY: I PLAY GIN WITH MR. BRATT?

FINCH: AND DO YOU PLAY IT NICELY?

TWIMBLE: PLAY IT NICELY. STILL HE BLITZES ME IN EV’RY GAME LIKE THAT!

FINCH: Why?

TWIMBLE: ‘CAUSE I PLAY IT THE COMPANY WAY—EXECUTIVE POLICY IS BY ME OKAY.

FINCH: HOW CAN YOU GET ANYWHERE—

TWIMBLE: JUNIOR, HAVE NO FEAR. WHOEVER THE COMPANY FIRES, I WILL STILL BE HERE—

FINCH: YOU WILL STILL BE HERE— 17 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

TWIMBLE: YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER FISCAL—

BOTH: NEVER TAKE A RISK-AL YEAR!

TWIMBLE: Now, let’s get back to work. They may be promoting me, but till then, the mail must go through! (BUD re-enters, humming.) How’s your mother? (BRATT enters with a big smile.)

BRATT: Well, Twimble, it’s all set. As of today, you’re head of shipping!

TWIMBLE: Thank you, Mr. Bratt.

BRATT: Now let’s talk about your successor.

BUD: Bratt, have you heard from my uncle today?

BRATT: No, Bud. Twimble, your shoes are going to be hard to fill, but who have you picked to fill them?

TWIMBLE: Mr. Bratt, I’ve given it a good deal of thought, and I think your man is young Finch.

BRATT: Congratulations, Finch.

BUD: I’m going out for a smoke.

FINCH: Thanks, but I can’t accept. (Everyone stares at him, shocked.) I think there’s a man who is better qualified. A man who has been here longer than I have. Gentlemen, I recommend Bud Frump.

BUD: I’m going to call my mother and tell her. (Exits.)

TWIMBLE: I don’t understand.

FINCH: Let me explain. Mr. Twimble, knowing you has taught me a lot. (The phone rings, and BRATT answers.)

BRATT: Hello? Oh, I understand your problem, Mr. Biggley. Actually, we had picked someone else. But it’s all right, J.B. The fellow we picked turned the job over to Bud. He thinks Bud is better qualified. . .no, he doesn’t seem to be out of his mind. He was explaining it when you called. Go ahead, Finch.

FINCH: Mr. Twimble, the great thing you taught me is that no individual is as important as the whole company.

BRATT: He says no individual is as important as the whole company.

FINCH: The whole team is greater than any single player.

BRATT: He says the whole team is greater than any single player. 18 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: The whole salad is bigger than any piece of lettuce.

BRATT: He says the whole salad—oh, you can hear him.

FINCH: The whole omelet is bigger than any egg.

BRATT: Isn’t that great, J.B.? Sort of chokes you up. His name? It’s Finch.

FINCH: F-I-N-C-H.

Bratt: Yeah, well, I’m going to keep an eye on him myself. See you later, J. B. (Hangs up.) Finch, you got me out of a tight spot with Mr. Biggley.

FINCH: Glad to help, Mr. Bratt. Oh, Mr. Twimble—don’t I need to take this letter up to Mr. Gatch?

TWIMBLE: Gatch?

FINCH: Gatch.

BRATT: Gatch?

FINCH: Gatch.

BRATT: Say, I just remembered. . .Mr. Gatch is looking for a junior executive in his department.

FINCH: He is? (Finch-smile to audience.)

BRATT: I’m going to talk to him about you. Your generosity and thoughtfulness may prove to have been a really good thing for you, Finch.

FINCH: By George, ethical behavior always pays! (BUD enters.)

BUD: My mother was very happy.

BRATT: (Calls out.) Boys and girls—(OFFICE BOYS, ROSEMARY, and SECRETARIES [but not EXECUTIVE SECRETARIES] rush in.) Meet the new head of the mailroom. . .Bud Frump! (They cheer.)

BUD: Thanks, Ponty.

FINCH: Good luck, Bud.

BRATT: Come along, Finch. I want to talk to you. (He exits with FINCH.)

BUD: I’m still wondering why he did this for me.

TWIMBLE: So am I . I still think my original choice of a man was best. 19 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BUD: Don’t worry, Mr. Twimble. From now on—

SONG #6 THE COMPANY WAY--REPRISE

I’LL PLAY IT THE COMPANY WAY—WHEREVER THE COMPANY PUTS ME, THERE I’LL STAY.

ALL: WHATEVER THE COMPANY TELLS HIM, THAT HE’LL DO.

BUD: WHATEVER MY UNCLE MAY THINK, I’LL THINK SO, TOO.

ALL: OO-OO-OO, HE’S BEAMING WITH COMPANY PRIDE.

BUD: I’VE CONQUERED THAT OVER-AMBITIOUS RAT INSIDE.

TWIMBLE: OLD BUD IS NO LONGER THE FRUMP HE USED TO BE.

BUD: I PLEDGE TO THE COMPANY SWEET CONFORMITY.

ALL: HOORAY! HOORAY!

BUD: I WILL SOMEDAY EARN MY MEDAL—TWENTY-FIVE YEAR EMPLOYEE. I’LL SEE TO IT THAT THIS MEDAL IS THE ONLY THING THEY’LL EVER PIN ON ME!

ALL: THE FRUMP WAY IS THE COMPANY WAY—EXECUTIVE POLICY IS BY HIM OKAY.

BUD: I’LL NEVER BE PRESIDENT, BUT THERE’S ONE THING CLEAR— AS LONG AS MY UNCLE CAN STAND ME, I WILL STILL BE HERE.

ALL: WE KNOW THE COMPANY MAY LIKE OR LUMP ANY MAN BUD: I’m so proud! AND IF THEY CHOOSE TO, THE COMPANY MAY DUMP ANY MAN. I’m happy! BUT THEY WILL NEVER DUMP FRUMP, THE COMPANY MAN! FRUMP WILL PLAY IT THE COMPANY-- FRUMP WILL PLAY IT THE COMPANY— FRUMP WILL PLAY IT THE COMPANY WAY! FRUMP!

BUD: Come on, everybody! Let’s celebrate! Lunch is on me! (They start off carrying BUD, but BRATT intercepts them, followed by FINCH.)

BRATT: Boys and girls, I have one more announcement. Mr. Gatch is taking young Finch into his department as a junior executive. (Cheers. BRATT and CHORUS exits as BUD screams--)

BUD: Stop! Lunch is Dutch! No, it’s cancelled! Stopppppppppppp!

ROSEMARY: Ponty, that’s wonderful! I told you to have patience.

FINCH: You were right, Rosemary. One of these days I hope I can show my appreciation and— 20 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ROSEMARY: Lunch!

FINCH: Huh?

ROSEMARY: I said lunch!

FINCH: What about lunch?

ROSEMARY: I’d love to.

FINCH: Love to what?

ROSEMARY: You said “What about lunch.” I thought you’d never ask. I’ll just go get my things and meet you right here. (Exits.)

FINCH: I didn’t mean “What about lunch?” I meant, “What about lunch?”

GATCH’S VOICE: Finch!

FINCH: Yes, sir, Mr. Gatch.

GATCH: (Enters.) Come on—I’m buying my new executive lunch up on the Executive Club on the roof.

FINCH: Lunch in the Executive Club? Me?

GATCH: Sure. Now that you’re a junior exec, I can put you on my expense account. Grab your coat and meet me up on the roof. (He exits as Rosemary enters with her purse.)

FINCH: Rosemary, I’ve got a surprise for you. Mr. Gatch is taking me to lunch.

SONG #7 ROSEMARY’S PHILOSOPHY

ROSEMARY: To lunch?

FINCH: How do I look? (A beat, then--)

ROSEMARY: You look fine, Ponty. Have a good time. (He gets on the elevator.)

FINCH: Thanks, Rosemary. (He takes out his book and reads it as the elevator closes.)

BOOK: If you have followed the simple instructions as outlines, you should by now be a junior executive. Congratulations. Nothing can stop you now.

LIGHTS: Dim down. Specialty light on ROSEMARY 21 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

SET: Mailroom set out. Biggley’s desk and chair move to the other specialty light.

ROSEMARY: HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM TILL HE COMES WEARILY HOME. . .(Exits.)

LIGHTS: Specialty light down on ROSEMARY and up on Biggley

CURTAIN SCENE I, 3

BIGGLEY: (on intercom) Yes, Miss Jones.

MISS JONES’ VOICE: There’s a young lady who insists on speaking with you, Mr. B. She says it’s personal.

BIGGLEY: What’s her name?

MISS JONES’ VOICE: She says you’ll know.

BIGGLEY: Well, put her on. (He takes a very he-man pose. Clicks to phone line. In a low, intimate voice--) Hello. You know I wouldn’t forget. I’ll take care of everything. One moment. (Clicks intercom.) Miss Jones, get me Bratt in personnel right away. (On phone.) You be here tomorrow. Bye. (Pushes button on phone.) Hello, Bratt. It’s J.B. I’d like you to do me a favor. I’d like you to find a spot for a young lady. Wants to be a secretary. She’s. . .uh. . .and old friend of the family’s. Her dad was a classmate of mine at Old Ivy. Her name is LaRue. Hedy LaRue.

LIGHTS: Specialty light out and full lights up on lobby

SET: Biggley’s desk and chair move out. 22 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE, SCENE 4 LOBBY

HEDY enters from elevator. Different EXECUTIVES start in, notice her, and stop in their tracks as a comic sound plays. BUD approaches her.

GATCH: Can I help you, honey?

HEDY: Scram.

GATCH: You don’t understand. I’m Milton Gatch, Head of Plans and Systems and Interdepartmental Evaluation.

HEDY: I’m waiting for Mr. Bratt of personnel. (BRATT and SMITTY enter.)

BRATT: Miss LaRue?

HEDY: Yeah? I mean, yes.

BRATT: I’m Bert Bratt of Personnel. Sorry to have kept you waiting.

HEDY: Not at all, sir. It is I whom am late.

BRATT: Oh, not really.

HEDY: Oh, yes. I was very naughty this morning. I’m still not accustomed to early arisal.

BRATT: Miss Larue, if you’ll just go with Miss Smith, she can get your particulars.

HEDY: (Exiting with SMITTY.) Thirty-nine, twenty-two, thirty eight.

JENKINS/CARNES: Boy, isn’t she something?

DAVIS/WILLINGER: She sure is.

JOHNSON/HOMMRICH: Say, Bratt—I need a new secretary.

MATTHEWS/SCHROEDER: So do I.

BRATT: Gentlemen, Miss LaRue will be assigned according to normal procedure as soon as her qualifications have been determined.

PETERSON/JOHNS: I’d sure like to determine them.

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: So would I! 23 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

MEN: Me, too, etc.

SONG #9 A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY

BRATT: Gentlemen— A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY, NO, MY BOY, NOT A TOY TO FONDLE AND DANDLE AND PLAYFULLY HANDLE IN SEARCH OF SOME PUERILE JOY. NO, A SECRETARY IS NOT—DEFINITELY NOT—A TOY.

GREEN/STAPP: You’re absolutely right, Mr. Bratt.

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: We wouldn’t have it any other way, Mr. Bratt.

JENKINS/CARNES: It’s a company rule, Mr. Bratt.

CARNES,JOHNS,OTTEN: A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY, NO, MY BOY, NOT A TOY SO DO NOT GO JUMPING FOR JOY!

CARNES, OTTEN: BOY! A SECRETARY IS NOT, A SECRETARY IS NOT, A SECRETARY IS NOT--

CARNES,JOHNS,OTTEN, AND ALL SECRETARIES: A TOY.

EXECUTIVE SECRETARIES (NOT KRUMHOLTZ): A SECRETARY IS NOT TO BE USED FOR PLAY THERAPY.

ALL: BE GOOD TO THE GIRL YOU EMPLOY, BOY! REMEMBER NO MATTER WHAT NEUROTIC TROUBLE YOU’VE GOT, A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY!

SHE’S A HIGHLY SPECIALIZED KEY COMPONENT OF OPERATIONAL UNITY. A FINE AND SENSITIVE MECHANISM TO SERVE THE OFFICE COMMUNITY—

EXECUTIVES: WITH A MOTHER AT HOME SHE SUPPORTS.

BUD: AND YOU’LL FIND NOTHING LIKE HER IN F.A.O.SCHWARZ!

KRUMHOLTZ: A SECRETARY IS NOT A PET, NOR AN ERECTOR SET.

KRUMHOLTZ, SMITH, STAPP: IT HAPPENED TO CHARLIE MCCOY, BOY. THEY FRIED HIM LIKE A SHOT THE DAY THE FELLOW FORGOT A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY.

ALL: A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY.

EXECUTIVES: AND WHEN YOU PUT HER TO USE, OBSERVE WHEN YOU PUT HER TO USE, 24 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

THAT YOU DON’T FIND THE NAME LIONEL ON HER CABOOSE.

NON-EXECUTIVE SECRETARIES: A SECRETARY IS NOT A THING WOUND BY KEY, PULLED BY STRING. HER PAD IS TO WRITE IN, AND NOT SPEND THE NIGHT IN, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU PLAN TO ENJOY—NO!

ALL: THE SECRETARY Y’GOT IS DEFINITELY NOT EMPLOYED TO DO A GAVOTTE. . .OR YOU KNOW WHAT. BEFORE YOU JUMP FOR JOY, REMEMBER THIS, MY BOY— A SECRETARY IS NOT A TINKER TOY!

(A bell tolls five. The EXECUTIVES and SECRETARIES scatter.)

LIGHTS: Change as lights move to late afternoon light. 25 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE, SCENE 5 Lobby. Friday afternoon. End of the day.

FINCH is reading his book as people bustle out. BIGGLEY enters with MISS JONES following. FINCH eavesdrops.

BIGGLEY: Did you call my wife and tell her I won’t be home for dinner?

MISS JONES: Yes, Mr. B. By the way, you left your golf clubs in the office. Tomorrow is Saturday, and you’re playing with Mr. Womper, the chairman of the board.

BIGGLEY: I’m staying in town tonight so I’ll come in and pick up the clubs in the morning. And send my annual check to my old alumni association. I get a kick out of thinking about their faces when they get that fat check from Old Least-Likely-To-Succeed.

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: Mr. Biggley—there’s a phone call. Your wife.

BIGGLEY: Damn it! I’ll take it in your office. (He exits with TACKABERRY following. FINCH intercepts MISS JONES.)

FINCH: Oh, Miss Jones!

MISS JONES: Hello, Ponty! How’s our junior executive!

FINCH: Just fine, Miss Jones, thanks to the helpful advice I’ve been getting from you.

MISS JONES: I’m glad our little talks have proved valuable.

FINCH: And good luck tonight.

MISS JONES: Good luck?

FINCH: In the bowling tournament. I hear you’re the best bowler on the ladies’ team.

MISS JONES: Thank you. Say, would you like to come watch us bowl?

FINCH: I’d love to, but I need to get to bed early. I’m working tomorrow.

MISS JONES: On Saturday? No one around here works on Saturday! Ponty, you’re an unusual boy. You’ll go far.

FINCH: That means a lot, your saying that, because you’re Mr. Biggley’s secretary and he’s the man I most want to emulate. I heard him telling you to send a check to his old school. Harvard, isn’t it?

MISS JONES: Harvard? Don’t ever let J.B. hear you say that. He’s a Groundhog. 26 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: But where did he go to college?

MISS JONES: Old Ivy. They’re the Groundhogs. Mr. Biggley is very proud of his old school. Well, good night, Ponty.

FINCH: Good night, Miss Jones. (ROSEMARY and SMITTY enter with their purses.)

ROSEMARY: Hi, stranger.

FINCH: Oh, hi, Rosemary. Hi, Smitty.

SMITTY: Hi, Ponty. Been a long day, hasn’t it? (To ROSEMARY.) Where are you having dinner tonight.

ROSEMARY: That depends. (Stares pointedly at FINCH.)

SMITTY: Oh!

SONG#10 BEEN A LONG DAY

WELL, HERE IT IS FIVE P.M.—THE FINISH OF A LONG DAY’S WORK. AND THERE THEY ARE, BOTH OF THEM: THE SECRETARY AND THE CLERK. NOT VERY WELL ACQUAINTED, NOT VERY MUCH TO SAY. BUT I CAN HEAR THOSE TWO LITTLE MINDS TICKING AWAY. NOW SHE’S THINKING—

ROSEMARY: I WONDER IF WE TAKE THE SAME BUS.

SMITTY: AND HE’S THINKING-

FINCH: THERE COULD BE QUITE A THING BETWEEN US.

SMITTY: NOW SHE’S THINKING—

ROSEMARY: HE REALLY IS A DEAR.

SMITTY: AND HE’S THINKING—

FINCH: BUT WHAT OF MY CAREER?

SMITTY: THEN SHE SAYS—(Rosemary yawns.) AND HE SAYS:

FINCH: Er. . .uh. . .Well it’s been a long day. 27 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ALL: WELL, IT’S BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG DAY.

ROSEMARY: I WISH HE WERE MORE OF A FLIRT.

FINCH: I GUESS A LITTLE FLIRTING WON’T HURT.

ROSEMARY: FOR DINNER WE COULD MEET

FINCH: WE BOTH HAVE GOT TO EAT.

SMITTY: THEN SHE SAYS—(Rosemary sneezes.) AND HE SAYS:

FINCH: GESUNDHEIT!

ROSEMARY: Thank you.

FINCH: WELL, IT’S BEEN A LONG DAY.

SMITTY: (opens newspaper) HEY! THERE’S A YUMMY FRIDAY SPECIAL AT STOUFFER’S— IT’S A DOLLAR NINETY VEGETABLE PLATE. AND ON THE BOTTOM OF THE AD—NOT BAD— SERVICE FOR TWO—THREE FIFTY EIGHT. TO MAKE A BARGAIN, MAKE A DATE!

ROSEMARY: WONDERFUL!

FINCH: IT’S FATE!

ROSEMARY: WHAT FEMALE KIND OF TRAP COULD I SPRING?

FINCH: I MIGHT AS WELL FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

SMITTY: NOW SHE’S THINKING— 28 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ROSEMARY: SUPPOSE I TAKE HIS ARM?

FINCH: WELL, REALLY, WHAT’S THE HARM?

SMITTY: THEN SHE SAYS—

ROSEMARY: HUNGRY?

SMITTY: AND HE SAYS:

FINCH: YEAH!

ROSEMARY: YEAH?

FINCH: YEAH!

(The Elevator doors open to reveal the EXECUTIVES and SECRETARIES.)

EXECUTIVES & SECRETARIES: WELL, IT’S BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG DAY.

SMITTY: Wait right there, Ponty. Rosemary and I need to hit the powder room before we hit the road.

(ROSEMARY & SMITTY exit . FINCH goes to the side, reading SMITTY’s newspaper. BIGGLEY enters from one side and runs into BUD who enters from the other.)

BIGGLEY: Blithering, blithering—(Grabs BUD.) Damn it, you’ve been complaining to your mother again. She wants you promoted.

BUD: Why not? Other people are being promoted. (HEDY enters and spots BIGGLEY.)

HEDY: Oh, there you are—(Sees BUD and corrects herself.) Good evening, Mr. Biggley.

BIGGLEY: Good evening, Miss Larue. (To BUD.) Don’t you have something to do?

BUD: Right. (He pretends to go off, but then hides behind something in the lobby to spy.)

BIGGLEY: How do you like your new job, Miss LaRue?

HEDY: It’s a big fat nothing. I thought you were going to help me be a big businesswoman like Helena Rubenstein or Betty Crocker, but here am I stuck in the steno pool with no one to fish me the hell out! 29 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BIGGLEY: Shh, angel, these things take time. You have to—( SECURITY GUARDS MATT VETTER and TAYLOR LAWSON cross the stage and his voice becomes official.) Yes, Miss LaRue, in a large operation like World Wide Wickets, there any many multiple facets which are very important in anticipating—(Person exits and his voice goes back to a pleading tone.) Angel, we can’t discuss it here. Tell you what, I’ll meet you at the Waldorf Astoria in ten minutes and we can talk it over.

HEDY: No!

BIGGLEY: But, angel—(BUD sneezes.) Bud! (Crosses to him.) What are you doing—

BUD: Very attractive girl, Miss LaRue.

BIGGLEY: Huh? Oh, I guess so. I was just. . .uh. . .trying to make her feel at home. She seems to be a rather shy person.

BUD: Well, you go ahead, J.B. (BIGGLEY starts off.) I’m meeting Mother for dinner. (BIGGLEY turns.) She loves dinner with me. I tell her everything that happens all day at the office.

SONG #11 BEEN A LONG DAY—REPRISE

NOW HE’S THINKING—

BIGGLEY: THE KID COULD REALLY PUT ME THROUGH HELL.

BUD: AND SHE’S THINKING—

HEDY: THE KID COULD EVEN NAME THE HOTEL.

BUD: NOW HE’S THINKING—

BIGGLEY: I WONDER IF HE’D DARE?

BUD: AND SHE’S THINKING—

HEDY: THERE’S BLACKMAIL IN THE AIR.

BUD: AND HE SAYS—

BIGGLEY: IT’S A HOLD-UP! (Elevator doors open.)

BUD: AND SHE SAYS--

HEDY: DOWN?

BIGGLEY: Wait a minute! Okay, you’re promoted! 30 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ALL: WELL, IT’S BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG DAY. (BIGGLEY and HEDY get into the elevator. Doors close.)

BUD: WELL, IT’S BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG, BEEN A LONG DAY.

LIGHTS: Lights dim down during the set change.

SET: Outer office set moves into place. 31 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE SCENE 6 An Outer Office with several desks.

As the set change takes place, FINCH enters. After a glance to make sure no one is around, he puts his briefcase on a desk and opens it. He scatters papers, adding machine tape, used coffee cups, and dirty Chinese take out boxes around—makes it look as if he’s been working all night. (Note: Each desk contains a typewriter) He hears a sound and quickly rumples his clothes and slumps forward on the desk as if he’s fallen asleep. BIGGLEY enters and flips a light switch.

LIGHTS: Lights go up.

Biggley passes without noticing FINCH, so FINCH gives a loud snore. BIGGLEY jumps and comes to investigate.

BIGGLEY: It’s Saturday morning!

FINCH: Oh, is it morning already, sir?

BIGGLEY: Good Lord, man. Have you been working all night? I’m sorry, your name slips my mind.

FINCH: Finch, sir. F-I-N-C-H.

BIGGLEY: Well, Finch, it’s great to see a man in here carrying the ball. You know, you make me feel a bit guilty. I just stopped in to pick up my golf clubs. I have to play a round today with old Wally Womper, the chairman of the board. Well, don’t work too hard. (He starts off. FINCH begins humming “Old Ivy.) What’s that you’re humming?

FINCH: Oh, I didn’t realize I was humming, sir.

BIGGLEY: You were humming the Old Ivy fight song. Did you go there? Were you a Groundhog?

FINCH: Well, sir. . . ..

BIGGLEY: Say it, boy! I know a lot of guys have an inferiority complex because they didn’t go to Yale or Princeton. You’re not ashamed of Old Ivy, are you?

FINCH: No, sir, not a bit!

BIGGLEY: That’s the Groundhog spirit! I should have known you were an Old Ivy-un. What year did you graduate? (A beat.) Finch!

FINCH: I’m sorry, sir. I was thinking about the big game today. We’re playing the Chipmunks.

BIGGLEY: That’s right. I hope those damned Chipmunks don’t give us too much trouble.

FINCH: Oh, I think we’ll take them, sir. Charnowsky’s knee is much better. 32 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BIGGLEY: Yes, with Charnowsky in there, the team’s morale should pick up. He’s the dirtiest player we’ve got.

FINCH: Even though we’re not there in person, we’ll be rooting for them. Right?

BIGGLEY: Right!

SONG #12 OLD IVY

GRR-R-R-R-ROUNDHOG!

FINCH: GRR-R-R-R-ROUNDHOG!

BIGGLEY: STAND OLD IVY, STAND FIRM AND STRONG. GRAND OLD IVY, HEAR THE CHEERING THRONG.

BOTH: STAND OLD IVY, AND NEVER YIELD. RIP, RIP, RIP THE CHIPMUNK OFF THE FIELD!

FINCH: WHEN YOU FALL ON THE BALL,

BIGGLEY: AND YOU’RE DOWN THERE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HEAP—

FINCH: DOWN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HEAP—

BIGGLEY: WHERE THE MUD IS, OH, SO VERY, VERY DEEP!

FINCH: DOWN IN THE CRUDDY MUDDY DEEP!

BIGGLEY: DON’T FORGET, BOY—

BOTH: THAT’S WHY THEY CALL US, THEY CALL US GRR-ROUNDHOG! GRR-ROUNDHOG!

FINCH BIGGLEY STAND GRR-ROUNDHOG! OLD IVY GRR-ROUNDHOG! STAND FIRM RIP, RIP, AND STRONG RIP THE CHIPMUNK

GRAND OLD IVY GRAND OLD IVY HEAR THE CHEERING THRONG! HEAR THE CHEERING THRONG! STAND GRR-ROUNDHOG! OLD IVY GOD BLESS YOU!

BOTH: AND NEVER YIELD. RIP, RIP, RIP THE CHIPMUNK OFF THE FIELD!

FINCH: I enjoyed that, sir. 33 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BIGGLEY: So did I. Well, I better go get those clubs. (Exits chanting--) Rip, rip, rip, the Chipmunk off. . (FINCH grabs some knitting out of his briefcase and begins to knit. As BIGGLEY crosses back with his bag of golf clubs—each with a knitted cover, he sees this.)What’s that you’re doing?

FINCH: Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight—I’m sorry, sir. I just wanted to finish this row. I guess this looks silly, sir. But I’ve always found that knitting helps me think more clearly.

BIGGLEY: Well, I’ll be damned. (Looks around to make sure they’re not being overheard.) I knit too.

FINCH: Really?

BIGGLEY: It’s good for my nerves. Been doing it for years. Nobody knows but my secretary, Miss Jones. You know her?

FINCH: (Carefully.) I believe I’ve met her.

BIGGLEY: (Points to knitting.) What’s this going to be?

FINCH: (Turns knitting around to various positions to get an idea.) Oh. . .I thought I’d make. . .a birdcage cover.

BIGGLEY: Birdcage cover. I never made one of those. (Indicates his sweater.) How do you like this?

FINCH: Oh, that’s beautiful, sir.

BIGGLEY: I made the covers for these golf clubs, too. See? Popcorn stitch.

FINCH: You know, Mr. Biggley, I feel sorry for men who don’t knit. They lead empty lives.

BIGGLEY: I like the way you think, Finch. So tell me, what’s your ambition in this outfit? Bright fellow like you must have it all planned out.

FINCH: Well, sir, someday I’d love a position where I could do something real. . .something solid and down-to-earth. . .like the advertising department.

BIGGLEY: Advertising! Why, advertising has had fifteen new managers in the past year alone. The poor devils keep disappearing at the rate of about one a month.

FINCH: Why is that?

BIGGLEY: I fire them.

FINCH: But if you found a man with brilliant ideas, he could swing it.

BIGGLEY: (Contemptuously.) Ideas! Hah! I keep hiring men who are supposed to have brilliant ideas, and not one of them will ever do just what I tell him. No, son, you stick to what you’re doing. You’re in the best department. By the way. . .where are you? 34 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: Plans and Systems with Mr. Gatch.

BIGGLEY: Good man, Gatch. You stay with him. And I’ll keep my eye on you, too. (FINCH brings the golf clubs over.)

FINCH: Here you are, sir. Have a wonderful day. I’ve got to get this done before midnight.

BIGGLEY: Midnight. That’s the Groundhog spirit.

SONG #13 GRAND OLD IVY REPRISE

BOTH: GRR-ROUNDHOG! GRR-ROUNDHOG! STAND OLD IVY, AND NEVER YIELD. RIP, RIP, RIP THE CHIPMUNK OFF THE FIELD!

LIGHTS: Lights go out on stage. Specialty light up on Bratt.

SET: Remove outer office set. Carry on small desk, chair for Finch’s first office as well as Miss Krumholtz’s chair and desk with its intercom. Props puts phone, typewriter, book, and desk items on Finch’s desk.)

CURTAIN SCENE I, 6

BIGGLEY’S VOICE: Hello, Bratt? This is J.B.

BRATT: Yes, J. B.

BIGGLEY’S VOICE: What are we running here, a sweatshop? We’re working that boy too hard.

BRATT: Who?

BIGGLEY’S VOICE: Finch. F-I-N-C-H. The poor devil worked here all weekend. I should know—I was here with him, working side by side. The lad needs an office of his own.

BRATT: Yes, J.B.

BIGGLEY’S VOICE: But nothing fancy. . .don’t want the boy getting ideas.

LIGHTS: Lights up on area of Finch’s first office. 35 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE SCENE 7

FINCH’s first office. ROSEMARY puts a nameplate and vase with a single flower on his desk.

ROSEMARY: Your first office! It’s beautiful!

FINCH: It’s not bad, considering. I did want my name on the door. . .but I decided not to ask because there’s no door.

ROSEMARY: I had a good time the other night.

FINCH: Me, too. (HEDY enters.) Miss. . .?

HEDY: I’m Miss LaRue, honey.

FINCH: What can I do for you, Miss LaRue?

HEDY: A secretary was ordered to be assigned to you. I’m your assignation.

ROSEMARY: You didn’t tell me you were getting a secretary.

FINCH: I just found out myself.

ROSEMARY: Well, happy dictation! (Exits.)

FINCH: Now, Miss LaRue.

HEDY: Just call me, Hedy, cutie. (FINCH grabs the book.)

BOOK: Choosing a secretary can be fraught with peril. Take a good look at the young lady who has been assigned to you. If she is so attractive that you feel things are too good to be true, be very careful. It may be that one of the big men in the company is Interested-In-Her-Career. There is a simple test for this. Check out her secretarial skills. The smaller the abilities, the bigger her Protector.

FINCH: Miss LaRue, let’s try some dictation. Take a letter.

HEDY: (Flips open steno pad.) Shoot.

FINCH: (Speaks slowly.) Dear Mr. Gatch. Pursuant to our discussion of—

HEDY: Whoa! You trying to catch a train?

FINCH: What are you taking this down in? 36 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

HEDY: Longhand. It’s safer. But I make up for it when I type.

FINCH: You type fast?

HEDY: Like a jackrabbit. Twelve words a minute. Mr. Biggley said—

FINCH: (Realizes.) Mr. Biggley. . . Hedy, let that letter wait for a minute. (Hands her a folder.) Please take this in to Mr. Gatch.

HEDY: Mr. Gatch.

FINCH: He’s my boss. Make sure you give it to Mr. Gatch himself. Hedy—personally.

HEDY: Okey dokey! (She walks over to Miss Krumholtz’ desk.)

LIGHTS: Lights go out on Finch’s office and up on Miss Krumholtz in Specialty light.

SET: Remove Finch’s desk and chair and set up Gatch’s desk and bigger office chair in its place. Props puts phone, intercom, picture frames, bigger name plate, on the desk.

CURTAIN SCENE I, 7

HEDY: Hiya, honey.

MISS KRUMHOLTZ: May I help you?

HEDY: Yeah. . .I mean yes. I am the secretary for Mr. J. Pierrepont Finch who has sent me to give this folder to Mr. Gatch.

MISS KRUMHOLTZ: (Reaches for it.) I’ll see that Mr. Gatch gets it.

HEDY: Hold your water, sister. Mr. Finch told me to give it to Mr. Gatch personally. (For a moment they lock eyes, and then Miss Krumholtz buzzes the intercom.)

MISS KRUMHOLTZ: Mr. Gatch, Mr. Finch’s secretary is outside and she’d like to see you personally.

LIGHTS: Lights up on area of Gatch’s office. 37 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE SCENE 8

GATCH’s OFFICE. As the lights come up, GATCH is on the intercom.

GATCH: Have her come in. (HEDY enters.) Yes?

HEDY: I’m Mr. Finch’s secretary. He asked me to give you this. (She drops the file on the desk. He shoves it to the floor. When she bends over to pick it up, Mr. GATCH stands up and grabs her.)

GATCH: Hey, sexy, what are you doing tonight?

HEDY: I have a date with my gentleman friend.

GATCH: Oh, come on, now. You’re in the big leagues now. Don’t fool around with small fry. (Tries to kiss her. )

LIGHTS: Specialty light up on MISS KRUMHOLTZ’s desk.

MISS KRUMHOLTZ: (The phone rings several times.) Mr. Finch’s office. One moment.

LIGHTS: Light up on FINCH at GATCH’s desk.

(FINCH sitting at GATCH’s desk, presses the intercom.

MISS KRUMHOLTZ, con’t: It’s for you. Production.

LIGHTS: Lights down on Miss Krumholtz.

SET: Remove Krumholtz desk, chair, etc.

FINCH: (On the phone.) Finch speaking. No, I’m running Plans and Systems now. Mr. Gatch? Oh, he’s been transferred to one of our out of town offices. . .Venezuela.

LIGHTS: Lights down on Finch. Specialty light up on Bratt. (phone).

SET: Change set from Gatch’s office to Party on the Rooftop.

CURTAIN SCENE I, 8

Phone call 1

BRATT: Hello, Jenkins! It’s Bratt. We’re getting a new Vice-President in charge of advertising.

LIGHTS: Specialty light up on Jenkins. (phone). 38 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

JENKINS: Another one? Who is it this time?

BRATT: A fellow by the name of Ovington.

JENKINS: I wonder how long this guy’ll last.

LIGHTS: Lights down on Jenkins.

BRATT: I don’t know, but we’re giving him a reception tonight up in the Executive Club on the roof. We’re inviting some of the executive secretaries to ask as hostesses.

Phone call 2

LIGHTS: Lights down on Bratt and up on ROSEMARY (phone).

ROSEMARY: Smitty, I’ve been made secretary to the new Vice President in charge of Advertising. That means I’ve been invited to the reception this evening. . .and Ponty will be there, too. I’ve been dreaming of a chance like this. Ponty has never seen me all dressed up. . .and. . .glamorous. I’m standing here holding the answer of how to succeed with Finch—a new dress! It’s beautiful.

LIGHTS: Lights up on SMITTY (phone).

SMITTY: I hope it works. Good luck, Rosemary. You know, I think maybe I’ll slip out and get myself a dress for this evening, too.

LIGHTS: Lights up on extension. 39 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE SCENE 9 The Rooftop Executive Suite.

Several Executives are up there standing and chatting as waiters serve them. The elevator door opens and ROSEMARY steps out.

SONG # 15 PARIS ORIGINAL

ROSEMARY: I SLIPPED OUT THIS AFTERNOON AND BOUGHT SOME LOVE INSURANCE. A MOST EXCLUSIVE DRESS FROM GAY PAREE. IT’S SLEEK AND CHIC AND MAGNIFIQUE WITH SEX BEYOND ENDURANCE. IT’S ME! IT’S ME! IT’S ABSOLUTELY ME! AND WHY? ONE GUY!

THIS IRRESISTIBLE PARIS ORIGINAL I’M WEARING TONIGHT— I’M WEARING TONIGHT ‘SPECIALLY FOR HIM. THIS IRRESISTIBLE PARIS ORIGINAL’S ALL PAID FOR AND MINE. I MUST LOOK DIVINE ‘SPECIALLY FOR HIM.

SUDDENLY HE WILL SEE ME, AND SUDDENLY HE’LL GO DREAMY, AND BLAME IT ALL ON HIS OWN MASCULINE WHIM, NEVER KNOWING THAT THIS IRRESISTIBLE PARIS ORIGINAL SO TEMPTINGLY TIGHT I’M WEARING TONIGHT ‘SPECIALLY FOR HIM. FOR HIM, FOR HIM—

LIGHTS: Lights up on evening party on Rooftop.

Matt Vetter moves in as bartender in front of the bar with its glasses and liquor bottles. Daniel James and Noah LeClaire move around as the waiters.

THIS IRRESISTIBLE PARIS ORIGINAL I’M WEARING TONIGHT— (KATIE HEIT enters in the same dress.) SHE’S WEARING TONIGHT, AND I COULD SPIT. SOME IRRESPONSIBLE DRESS MANUFACTURER JUST DIDN’T PLAY FAIR. I’M ONE OF A PAIR, AND I COULD— (MISS KRUMHOLTZ enters wearing the same dress.) Oh, no!

KRUMHOLTZ: THIS IRRESISTIBLE PARIS ORIGINAL ALL SLINKY WITH SIN— (She sees ROSEMARY and KATIE HEIT) ALREADY SLUNK IN, AND I COULD DIE—

ROSEMARY & KATIE HEIT: AND I COULD KILL HER!

ALL THREE: AND I COULD— 40 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

(SMITTY enters in the same dress.)

SMITTY: THIS IRRESISTIBLE PARIS ORIGINAL—TRES SEXY, N’EST-CE PAS? (Sees the OTHERS.) GREENARN IT! VOILA!

ALL FOUR: AND I COULD SPIT! (MISS JONES enters in the same dress out of one elevator as KATIE REILLY, CLAIRE BUMPOUS, and COLLETTE PRIDDY enter from the other.)

MISS JONES: Girls!

ALL: THIRTY-NINE BUCKS I HAND OUT FOR SOMETHING TO MAKE ME STAND OUT, AND SUDDENLY I’VE GONE INTO MIMEOGRAPH—

MISS JONES: Some laugh!

ALL: THIS IRRESISTIBLE PARIS ORIGINAL—THIS MASS-PRODUCED CRIME! I’M WEARING TONIGHT—FOR THE VERY LAST TIME!

(HEDY enters in the same dress. MEN crowd around her and whistle.)

MEN: What a dress!

GIRLS: Oh!

BUD: Hey, Hedy, have a drink!

HEDY: I never touch anything alcoholic before five p.m.

BUD: It’s ten after five.

HEDY: Which way is the booze?

BIGGLEY: If I could have your attention—you know our advertising department has been in trouble for a long time. But we now have a fellow who is going to help put World Wide Wickets back on top —Mr. Benjamin Burton Daniel Ovington! (Applause.)

OVINGTON: Thanks, boys and girls. I just want to say that I’m proud to be joining the World Wide Wickets family. I don’t know very much about wickets, but I do know about advertising. My theory of advertising can be summed up in one sentence: “Shove it down their throats with a soft sell.” (Applause.) And I’d like to say that—

HEDY: (Drunk) Mr. Benjamin Burton Daniel Ovington! What the hell kind of name is that? (BIGGLEY whispers to BRATT.)

OVINGTON: But I’d like to say that—

HEDY: You call this a double martini? There’s only one olive in it! (JENKINS moves over to HEDY.) 41 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

JENKINS: Bud, J.B. says for you to take Miss LaRue home. She doesn’t seem to be feeling well.

HEDY: I’m feeling fine!

OVINGTON: I’d like to say that—

HEDY: (Shouts.) You call this a party? A bunch of deadbeats standing around, and my boyfriend—

BIGGLEY: (Shouts.) Everybody--mingle!

LIGHTS: Lights dim down on the party, lighting up the extension.

SET: Change set from Rooftop to Biggley’s Office with the Office props: desk phone and intercom

HEDY: What I need is a shower.

BUD: J.B. wants me to take you home.

HEDY: No! I’m going to J.B.’s office. He has a private shower. I’ll take a shower, and then I’ll come back to the party. (She stumbles into BUD.) You know, you’re cute. Not as cute as Finch, but you’re cute. (Staggers to the elevator.)

BUD: Not as cute as Finch! (He thinks for a minute, then he motions NOAH over.) See that man over there? (Points to Finch.) Tell him that I need to see him right now. (BUD dances and sings a little rhyme about getting even with FINCH. FINCH comes over.)

FINCH: What’s this about, Bud?

BUD: J.B. wants you to go to his office. He’ll meet you there.

FINCH: But I just saw him. He didn’t say anything.

BUD: I only know that I was told to tell you to go to his office.

FINCH: Thanks, Bud. (He goes to the elevators.)

BUD: You’re welcome! Now to get my uncle. Good-bye, Finchy! Hello, Uncle Jasper! (He breaks into a wild Latin dance.) Ole!

LIGHTS: Lights up on office--night 42 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE SCENE 10 Biggley’s office.

FINCH comes in, looks around, and sits at Biggley’s desk.

FINCH: Someday. Someday! (Bathroom door opens and HEDY comes out in a spa robe. FINCH doesn’t see her. She creeps up and puts her hands over FINCH’s eyes.)

HEDY: Guess who!

FINCH: Mr. Biggley?

HEDY: No, it’s me!

FINCH: I was supposed to meet Mr. Biggley here.

HEDY: He’s not coming. Somebody gave you a bum steer.

FINCH: (Starts to leave.) Then I better go back to the party. (HEDY gets between him and the door.)

HEDY: We can have more fun down here. (FINCH tries to step around her, but she stops him.) You just want to get back to that Rosemary. Are you stuck on her? (She puts her arms around him.) Cutie, I can tell you’re going places.

FINCH: Venezuela!

HEDY: Wouldn’t J.B. just die if he came in and found you kissing me.

FINCH: Frankly, I’d rather he didn’t.

HEDY: Let’s try it.

FINCH: Huh uh.

HEDY: If you don’t kiss me, I’ll tell J.B. you did.

FINCH: Okay. Just one. (HEDY pulls him onto the sofa, kissing him. Harp glissando. FINCH gets the idea of Rosemary. Trumpet.)

SONG # 18 ROSEMARY

FINCH: (Half-singing.) Rosemary. 43 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

HEDY: Huh?

FINCH: Can’t you hear it? ROSEMARY.

HEDY: Rosemary?

FINCH: That kiss.

HEDY: What about that kiss?

FINCH: Rosemary!

HEDY: It is highly insulting to think of two broads in the middle of one kiss.

FINCH: I’m sorry, Hedy, but something happened to me. I can’t explain—

HEDY: Finch! You are in love. And you found all this out by kissing me?

FINCH: Yes, Hedy.

HEDY:I don’t know my own strength. (Exits into the bathroom.)

FINCH: SUDDENLY THERE IS MUSIC IN THE SOUND OF YOUR NAME— ROSEMARY! ROSEMARY! WAS THE MELODY LOCKED INSIDE ME TILL AT LAST OUT IT CAME— ROSEMARY! ROSEMARY! JUST IMAGINE IF WE KISSED! WHAT A CRESCENDO—NOT TO BE MISSED. AS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFETIME PROGRAM, GIVE ME MORE OF THE SAME. ROSEMARY! ROSEMARY! THERE IS WONDERFUL MUSIC IN THE VERY SOUND OF YOUR NAME.

(ROSEMARY enters.)

ROSEMARY: Ponty, I heard Bud Frump talking at the party. Where is she?

FINCH: Rosemary, something wonderful has happened.

ROSEMARY: What are you talking about?

FINCH: Can’t you hear it? Can’t you hear it? SUDDENLY THERE IS MUSIC IN THE SOUND OF YOUR NAME—

ROSEMARY: I can’t hear a thing.

FINCH: ROSEMARY! Just listen. It’s all around me like a beautiful pink sky.

ROSEMARY: Now look here, J. Pierrepont Finch. Have you lost your mind? 44 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: Rosemary, darling. Will you marry J. Pierrepont Finch?

ROSEMARY: Now I hear it! I hear it! I hear it! I hear it! SUDDENLY THERE IS MUSIC IN THE SOUND OF YOUR NAME—J. PIERREPONT.

FINCH: ROSEMARY! JUST IMAGINE IF WE KISSED—WHAT A CRESCENDO!

BOTH: NOT TO BE MISSED. AND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFETIME PROGRAM GIVE ME MORE OF THE SAME

FINCH ROSEMARY ROSEMARY! J. PIERREPONT. J. PIERREPONT. ROSEMARY! J. PIERREPONT.

BOTH: THERE IS WONDERFUL MUSIC IN THE VERY SOUND OF YOUR NAME.

FINCH: Rosemary, I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to get ahead that I never—(HEDY re-enters. ROSEMARY sees her and becomes suspicious.)

ROSEMARY: You have on two different kinds of lipstick. Mine. . .and hers!

FINCH: Rosemary, you don’t understand.

ROSEMARY: Yes, I do. Well, don’t let me keep you. Go back to kissing each other. Take her home for the weekend. I don’t care! (Stalks out.)

FINCH: What should I do?

HEDY: Let’s do what she says! (ROSEMARY rushes back in. She grabs HEDY and pushes her toward the bathroom.)

ROSEMARY: Get back in there.

HEDY: I have nothing to hide.

ROSEMARY: Yes, you have, so keep it hidden. (She grabs FINCH.) You snake! Now kiss me. (They kiss. BIGGLEY and BUD stalk in.)

BIGGLEY: Excuse me—

ROSEMARY: It’s my fault, Mr. Biggley. I insisted that Mr. Finch show me your office.

FINCH: We’re just leaving. (They start out.)

BIGGLEY: I—uh—just need to wash my hands—(ROSEMARY knocks him aside and reaches the bathroom.) 45 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ROSEMARY: Excuse me! (Exits into bathroom and locks door. BIGGLEY glares at BUD, motions him out, then turns to FINCH.)

BIGGLEY: Finch, I owe you an apology.

FINCH: For what?

BIGGLEY: Never mind. But I still do not approve of what you were doing when I walked in. I do not want anything like that to happen between executives and their secretaries.

FINCH: But Rosemary is not my secretary.

BIGGLEY: Oh, yes. Good point. (BRATT and OVINGTON enter.)

BRATT: We figured you might be down here, J. B. Ah, Finch! Mr. Ovington, this is Mr. Finch of Plans and Systems.

OVINGTON: (Shakes hands with FINCH.) How do you do?

FINCH: I’m very interested in advertising, Mr. Ovington, and I’ve read about you in Fortune magazine. Some wonderful stuff.

OVINGTON: Thank you.

FINCH: By the way, Mr. Biggley, did you know that Mr. Ovington was an all-American halfback in college?

BIGGLEY: Is that so? Where did you play, Ovington?

OVINGTON: The greatest little college in the world—Northern State.

BIGGLEY: (Exchanging a look with FINCH.) A chipmunk!

OVINGTON: I sure am. Did you see the way we murdered the Groundhogs on Saturday?

BIGGLEY: Ovington, I’m not a bigot. I’ve hired men from all colleges—Tigers, Wildcats, Hoosiers, Cardinals, Fighting Irish—but never, never a Chipmunk. (BRATT takes out a pen and resignation form for OVINGTON to sign.) Your resignation is accepted. (OVINGTON signs.)

SONG #19 RIP THE CHIPMUNH

BIGGLEY AND FINCH: RIP, RRR-RIP, RRR-RIP THE CHIPMUNK OFF THE FIELD!

OVINGTON: CHIPMUNK RAH! CHIPMUNK RAH! CHIP CHIP CHIP CHIP CHIPMUNK! (Exits.) 46 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BIGGLEY: That was a narrow squeak!

FINCH: It was a shock to me.

BIGGLEY: Finch, it’s a good thing you’re on the ball when it comes to advertising.

BRATT: So what are we doing to do for a new advertising manager?

BIGGLEY: Finch, maybe it’s Fate that you happen to be here at this very moment. You’ve always wanted this rotten job. Finch, I’m making you vice president in charge of advertising.

FINCH: Me? A vice president?

BRATT: J.B. I don’t want to question your decision. Finch is very bright, but he’s rather inexperienced and—

BIGGLEY: I like him.

BRATT: I like him.

BIGGLEY: Finch, the Plans Board meeting is day after tomorrow. You’ve got 48 hours to make an advertising promotion. If—by then-- you don’t have a great advertising campaign worked out to the last detail—you’ll be out of here like a shot! (Exits with BRATT.)

FINCH: I’m a vice president! Vice President Finch! (Makes phone call.) Get me the stationery shop downstairs. Hello, this is Mr. Finch. Remember those cards I spoke to you about last week? Go ahead and print them right away. (Calls.) Girls, you can come out now. (ROSEMARY and HEDY, back in her Paris Original dress, enter.)

HEDY: Thanks, Rosemary. (Exits.)

FINCH: Rosemary, I’ve got a surprise for you. I’ve been made the vice president in charge of advertising. And since you were assigned to be Mr. Ovington’s secretary, you’re now going to be my secretary.

ROSEMARY: I’d rather die.

FINCH: Rosemary, you know what a tough job advertising is. I can only do it if I have your help. I need you, Rosemary.

ROSEMARY: You do? (Thinks it over.) Well, in that case, I’ll be your secretary.

FINCH: Great. Now get to work.

ROSEMARY: Haven’t you forgotten something? (Puckers up.)

FINCH: Oh, yeah! (Picks up phone.) Hello, operator. Who paints names on doors? 47 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ROSEMARY: (Points emphatically at her puckered lips, then finally says--) Aren’t you going to kiss me?

FINCH: Kiss you? I can’t. You’re my secretary. Wait a minute, Rosemary. (She puckers again.) Hello, name painter?

SONG #20 FINALE ACT ONE

ROSEMARY: “Wait a minute, Rosemary. Hello, name painter?” (BUD creeps in to eavesdrop.)

FINCH: This is Mr. Finch. I want my name on my door in GREEN leaf.

BUD: Oh! (Collapses against the door.)

FINCH: J. PIERREPONT FINCH. J PIERREPONT!

ROSEMARY: SUDDENLY THERE IS MUSIC—

FINCH: All capitals!

ROSEMARY: IN THE SOUND OF MY NAME.

FINCH: Yes, block letters. J PIERREPONT

FINCH ROSEMARY BUD ROSEMARY VICE-PRESIDENT VICE-PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF THERE MUST BE A WAY ADVERTISING ROSEMARY TO STOP HIM F-I-N-C-H THERE MUST BE, THERE MUST BE. ALL OF MY LIFTEIME PROGRAM WILL BE THE USUAL SPELLING MORE OF THE SAME JAY PIERREPONT JAY PIERREPONT JAY PIERREPONT ROSEMARY ROSEMARY SO WHEN YOU WHATEVER I CAN’T STAND IT! SEE IT ON YOUR HAPPENED TO OWN DOOR! ROSEMARY? THERE IS THERE IS WONDERFUL MUSIC WONDERFUL MUSIC IN THE VERY IN THE VERY SOUND OF YOUR NAME! SOUND OF MY NAME! I WILL RETURN I WILL RETURN! 48 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

END OF ACT ONE. LIGHTS: Lights out. 49 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT TWO Scene 1 THE LOBBY.

LIGHTS: Lights up on the lobby.

SET: Change set from Gatch’s office to Party on the Rooftop.

SECRETARIES float in to join SMITTY, SECRETARY 1, and KRUMHOLTZ.

SMITTY: There sure is a lot of whispering going on today.

KRUMHOLTZ: Ever since Finch became vice president, they’ve been scared out of their wits.

KATIE REILLY: When’s the big meeting?

SMITTY: It’s set for this afternoon. I hope Ponty comes up with something. (ROSEMARY enters from the elevator dressed for leaving.) Where are you going?

ROSEMARY: Home.

SMITTY: At ten o’clock in the morning?

ROSEMARY: I’m quitting. I left a letter of resignation on his desk. Wait till he reads it! I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t mind a person ignoring me completely as long as he pays me a little attention. Smitty, he doesn’t need me.

SMITTY: But he told you he loved you and wanted to marry you.

ROSEMARY: Shh. That’s supposed to be a secret.

KRUMHOLTZ: What’s the matter?

SMITTY: Rosemary is resigning from Finch.

KRUMHOLTZ: But I thought he was going to marry her.

ANNA MEDLEY: That’s what I thought.

NICOLE KAREM: Me, too. (ROSEMARY glares at SMITTY.)

SMITTY: I only told a few of the girls. (TO ROSEMARY.) You’ve got to take him back—for our sake.

SONG # 23 CINDERELLA DARLING 50 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

SMITTY: HOW OFTEN DOES IT HAPPEN THAT A SECRETARY’S BOSS WANTS TO MARRY HER?

SECRETARIES: HALLELUJAH!

SMITTY: HOW OFTEN DOES THE DREAM COME TRUE WITHOUT A SIGN OF CONFLICT OR A BARRIER?

SMITTY: WHY TREAT A MAN LIKE HE WAS A TYPHOID CARRIER? HOW OFTEN CAN YOU FLY FROM THIS LAND OF CARBON PAPER TO THE LAND OF FLOWERED CHINTZ

SMITTY: HOW OFTEN DOES A CINDERELLA GET A CRACK AT THE PRINCE?

SECRETARIES: CINDERELLA AND THE PRINCE!

ROSEMARY: Wait a minute! I’m no Cinderella. I’ve got eighty-five dollars in the bank and a savings bond.

SMITTY: It’s not a matter of money.

CLAIRE BUMPOUS: He’s a vice-president.

COLLETTE PRIDDY: That makes him automatically a prince.

KATIE REILLY: True!

KRUMHOLTZ: So you’re automatically a Cinderella.

RACHEL BEAVIN: See?

SMITTY: Don’t you realize YOU’RE A REAL LIFE FAIRTY TALE, A SYMBOL DIVINE. IF NOT FOR YOUR OUWN SAKE, PLEASE DARLING, FOR MINE!

SECRETARIES: AND MINE. AND MINE. AND MINE. DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, CINDERELLA DARLING, DON’T TURN DOWN THE PRINCE.

SMITTY: DON’T REWRITE YOUR STORY—YOU’RE THE LEGEND, THE FOLKLORE, THE WORKING GIRL’S DREAM OF GLORY!

SECRETARIES: WE WERE RAISED ON YOU, DARLING, AND WE’VE LOVED YOU EVER SINCE. DON’T MESS UP A MAJOR MIRACLE, DON’T, CINDERELLA, DON’T TURN DOWN THE PRINCE!

SMITTY: OH LET US LIVE IT WITH YOU EACH HOUR OF EACH DAY. 51 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

SECRETARY: ON FROM BERGDORF GOODMAN—

SECRETARY: TO ELIZABETH ARDEN—

SECRETARY: IN THE STATION WAGON—

SECRETARY: HURRY FROM TWENTY-ONE—

SECRETARY:: TO THE TARRYTOWN P.T.A.

ROSEMARY: No. New Rochelle.

SECRETARIES: NEW ROCHELLE P.T.A. PLEASE!

SMITTY: OH DO NOT LEAVE US MINUS

SECRETARIES: PLEASE!

SMITTY: OUR VICARIOUS BONUS.

SMITTY: WE WANT TO SEE HIS HIGHNESS—

SMITTY: MARRIED TO YOUR LOWNESS.

SECRETARIES: AH!

SMITTY: ON YOU, CINDERELLA, SITS THE ONUS—

SECRETARIES: AH!

SMITTY: SO WHEN YOU NAME THE HAPPY DAY, PLEASE PHONE US!

SECRETARIES: PHONE US! BUT DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, CINDERELLA DARLING, DON’T TURN DOWN THE PRINCE.

SMITTY: WHY SPOIL OUR ENJOMENT? YOU’RE THE FABLE, THE SYMBOL, OF GLORIFIED UNEMPLOYMENT.

SECRETARIES: WE WERE RAISED ON YOU, DARLING, AND WE’VE LOVED YOU EVER SINCE. DON’T LOUSE UP OUR FAV’RITE FAIRY TALE, DON’T CINDERELLA, DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, CINDERELLA, DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, CINDERELLA, DON’T ! DON’T TURN DOWN THE PRINCE! 52 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ROSEMARY: All right, I’ll give him one more chance.

ALL: HALLELUJAH!

(As the dance shifts onto the extension, the set is changed to FINCH’s ADVERTISING OFFICE. Finch is reading his book.)

LIGHTS: Lights down on set and spotlight on Finch as he and his desk roll in.

SET: Change set to FINCH’s VP office. Roll his desk in.

Book: So you are now a vice president. You have climbed the ladder of success rung by painful rung until you have almost reached the top. You have done beautifully. . .unless you are vice president in charge of advertising. In that case, you are in terrible trouble. There is only one thing that can save you. You must get a brilliant idea. The quickest way to get ideas is to develop them. That is, you must examine the undeveloped, worthless notions of others and add to them that extra something that makes the idea your own. An undeveloped notion might come from the least likely source. Be alert. You never know who will bring it to you. (BUD enters.)

LIGHTS: Lights up on Finch’s office. 53 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT ONE Scene 2 FINCH’s advertising office.

Bud enters.

BUD: Hello, Ponty.

FINCH: Hello, Bud.

BUD: Sorry I busted in, but there was no one outside. I suppose you’re wondering why I’m here.

FINCH: Frankly, yes.

BUD: Ponty, I want you and me to be friends. You know, smokum peace pipe. You’ve never liked me, and I don’t blame you. I’ve been a no-good-back-biting fink.

FINCH: Bud, that’s a bit strong.

BUD: How would you put it?

FINCH: I guess your way is best.

BUD: Well, I’d like to change all that. I know you’re stuck for an idea, and—

FINCH: I am not stuck, Bud—

BUD: I was thinking that give-away shows are going to come back and--

FINCH: I don’t need anyone else’s ideas and—what was that?

BUD: I have this idea for a give-away show called World Wide Wicket Treasure hunt. We hide a thousand dollar savings bond somewhere, and every week we give clues on television as to where it is. (Pushes script into FINCH’s hands.) Maybe you don’t need an idea, but take this, and if you get a chance, look it over. Because the meeting’s starting in just a few hours. (Draws finger across throat, then starts off.)

FINCH: What did your uncle say when you told him about this?

BUD: I haven’t told him about this. If I brought it to him, he wouldn’t listen.

FINCH: You haven’t told your uncle?

BUD: Nope! (Reaches for it.) Look, if you’re not interested—

FINCH: (Retaining hold on the script.) I’ll file it and give it a bit of a think-think when I have time. 54 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BUD: Feel free to use it.

SONG #24 I HAVE RETURNED

I HAVE RETURNED.

(As soon as BUD has left, FINCH grabs the script and starts flipping through it.)

FINCH: Treasure hunt. Could be. (ROSEMARY enters.)

ROSEMARY: Ponty, I’m back. I’ve changed my mind. (FINCH, lost in looking through the script, doesn’t respond.) I don’t blame you for being cold to me. But I did change my mind.

FINCH: About what?

ROSEMARY: About what I said in the letter.

FINCH: What letter?

ROSEMARY: My letter of resignation.

FINCH: Resignation from what?

ROSEMARY: The Girl Scouts of America! (Picks up the letter from his desk, shows it to him, and slams it down.) I quit, resigned, left you forever!

FINCH: Why would you do that?

ROSEMARY: Because I’ve been hurt, humiliated, and ignored.

FINCH: Who did that to you?

ROSEMARY: You.

FINCH: Me? It couldn’t have been me. I haven’t said ten words to you all week. (She sighs.) Now listen, Miss Pilkington—

ROSEMARY: Can’t you call me Rosemary?

FINCH: No. And you will call me Mr. Finch. . .until you’re Mrs. Finch.

ROSEMARY: Am I really going to be Mrs. Finch?

FINCH: That’s all settled. You’re going to be Mrs. Finch because we’re going to get married. Now, may we discuss serious matters? (She rolls her eyes.) Miss Pilkington, I’ve finally come up with a new 55 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

idea for a television program. I’m thinking of calling it the World Wide Wicket Treasure Hunt. The prize would be a thousand dollar bond. Or maybe we should make that twenty-five thousand dollars. No—let’s make it a hundred thousand dollars. Or even better, two hundred thousand dollars. What do you think?

ROSEMARY: I don’t care if you give away the whole company. I love you.

FINCH: Say that again.

ROSEMARY: I love you.

FINCH: No, before that.

ROSEMARY: I said I don’t care if you give away the whole company.

FINCH: That’s it! We’ll give away the company!

ROSEMARY: Ponty!

FINCH: Oh, I don’t mean the whole company. I mean stock. In the company. No one can resist that these days. I’ve got to see Mr. Biggley about getting a postponement. (Hurries out.)

LIGHTS: Specialty light on Rosemary.

SET: Change set to BIGGLEY’s office.

SONG #25A HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM--REPRISE

ROSEMARY: OH, TO BE LOVED BY A MAN WITH A GOAL, TO WATCH AS HE CLIMBS WITH A PURPOSE IN LIFE AND PURITY OF SOUL. OH, TO BE THERE IN A CORNER OF HIS MIND, DARLING ABSENT MIND, SUCH HEAVEN— WEARING THE WIFELY UNIFORM WHILE HE GOES ONWARD AND UPWARD. HAPPY TO KEEP HIS DINNER WARM TILL HE COMES WEARILY HOME FROM DOWNTOWN.

LIGHTS: Lights up on Biggley’s Office. Day. 56 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT TWO Scene 3 BIGGLEY’S OFFICE.

BIGGLEY is knitting. HEDY enters.

HEDY: Are you pregnant or something?

BIGGLEY: Huh. . .Oh, I was just. . .uh. . .uh. . .checking on some new plastic yarn. Hedy, I told you never to—(BUD walks in.) What the hell do you want?

BUD: J.B. you remember that television idea I once told you about. . .the treasure hunt?

BIGGLEY: And I told you what I thought of that treasure hunt.

BUD: I just wanted to remind you that you didn’t like it. (Exits. HEDY moves toward BIGGLEY.)

BIGGLEY: Darling, I’ve told you that during office hours I can’t meet with you.

HEDY: I did not intend to embarrass you. I wish to tender you with my resignation.

BIGGLEY: What? (FINCH enters—hears something private is going on—and hovers just outside the door to eavesdrop.)

HEDY: Not a single guy here will use me as his secretary. They stay away from me like I have an extremely tropical disease. So I’m leaving. I have a girl friend in Los Angeles who can get me a job at a department store cosmetic counter there.

BIGGLEY: Hedy, I can’t live without you.

HEDY: Then I have an idea that might solve everything.

BIGGLEY: What?

HEDY: Why don’t I be your secretary?

BIGGLEY: You’re out of your mind. I mean, I have Miss Jones.

HEDY: I could assist her.

BIGGLEY: Uhhhhhhhhh. . .

HEDY: You don’t want me as your secretary?

BIGGLEY: Hedy, be patient. 57 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

HEDY: (Sweetly.) All right, dear, I’ll be patient. (Tone changes.) I’ll give you 24 hours. Then it’s goodbye Wickets—hello, L.A. (Exits and runs into FINCH as the lights go down on BIGGLEY’s OFFICE.) Hello, Cutie Pie.

FINCH: Hello, Hedy. Say, did I hear you’re quitting?

HEDY: Unless J.B. can find me a suitable position.

FINCH: Maybe we can help each other.

HEDY: Sure. Let’s bust out together.

FINCH: I have a different idea, but I’d like to talk to you alone. Let’s see, where could we go?

HEDY: How ‘bout my place?

FINCH: This is business.

HEDY: Then let’s go to your place.

FINCH: Uh. . .

HEDY: Tell you what. . .you can buy me lunch. Come on!

(They exit..)

LIGHTS: Specialty light on Johnson on the phone.

SET: Change set to washroom.

CURTAIN SCENE 3-4

JOHNSON: This is Johnson.

BRATT’S VOICE: This is Bratt. The meeting’s at 4:40. The rest of us are gathering down in the executive washroom. Come on, down. We’ve got to make plans.

JOHNSON: Be right down!

LIGHTS: Lights up on Executive washroom. 58 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT TWO Scene 4 EXECUTIVE WASHROOM.

BRATT, GREEN, and DAVIS are washing their hands at a sink. TOYNBEE and PETERSON enter.

TOYNBEE/CRONE: Almost time for the big meeting.

BRATT: Yeah. (TACKABERRY , MATTHEWS, and JENKINS enter.)

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: Hear anything about what Finch is planning?

BRATT: J.B. gave him a postponement so he must have something. (JOHNSON enters.)

MATTHEWS/SCHROEDER: You know, fellas, I’m beginning to get a little scare of Finch.

GREEN/STAPP: Me, too. If we don’t stop him pretty soon--

JENKINS/CARNES: He’ll probably have us all working out of the mailroom. (ALL give an uneasy laugh. BUD enters.)

PETERSEN/JOHNS: Hear anything, Bud?

BUD: Chaps, our worries are over. Finch is going ahead with—well, believe me, he’s dead-dead-dead.

DAVIS/WILLINGER: That’s very pleasant news.

BRATT: I don’t know. Finch has a way of bouncing back. I wouldn’t believe he was dead if I read his obituary.

BUD: Ordinarily I’d agree with you. But don’t forget that he’s now in advertising. That has a way of doing something to men’s brains. (FINCH enters.)

FINCH: Hiyah, men.

BRATT: All set for the big meeting?

FINCH: Could be, could be. Wish me luck, men.

ALL: Good luck.

SONG #27 I BELIEVE IN YOU & GOTTA STOP THAT MAN

MEN: GOTTA STOP THAT MAN, I GOTTA STOP THAT MAN COLD, OR HE’LL STOP ME. 59 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BIG DEAL, BIG ROCKET—THINKS HE HAS THE WORLD IN HIS POCKET. GOTTA STOP, GOTTA STOP, GOTTA STOP THAT MAN, THAT MAN—

LIGHTS: Dim on executives. Up higher on Finch.

FINCH: NOW THERE YOU ARE. YES, THERE’S THAT FACE—THAT FACE THAT SOMEHOW I TRUST. IT MAY EMBARRASS YOU TO HEAR ME SAY IT, BUT SAY IT I MUST, SAY IT I MUST. YOU HAVE THE COOL, CLEAR EYES OF A SEEKER OF WISDOM AND TRUTH. YET THERE’S THAT UPTURNED CHIN AND THE GRIN OF IMPETUOUS YOUTH. OH, I BELIEVE IN YOU, I BELIEVE IN YOU.

I HEAR THE SOUND OF GOOD SOLID JUDGMENT WHENEVER YOU TALK. YET THERE’S THE BOLD, BRAVE SPRING OF THE TIGER THAT QUICKENS YOUR WALK. OH, I BELIEVE IN YOU. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

AND WHEN MY FAITH IN MY FELLOW MAN ALL BUT FALLS APART, I’VE BUT TO FEEL YOUR HAND GRASPING MINE, AND I TAKE HEART, I TAKE HEART TO SEE THE COOL, CLEAR EYES OF A SEEKER OF WISDOM AND TRUTH. YET WITH THE SLAM, BANG, TANG REMINISCENT OF GIN AND VERMOUTH. OH, I BELIEVE IN YOU; I BELIEVE IN YOU.

LIGHTS: Lights up on Executives.

SET: Change set to Biggley’s office.

MEN: GOTTA STOP THAT MAN, I GOTTA STOP THAT MAN COLD, OR HE’LL STOP ME. BIG WHEEL, BIG BEAVER—BOILING HOT WITH FRONT OFFICE FEVER. GOTTA STOP, GOTTA STOP, GOTTA STOP THAT MAN, THAT MAN—

FINCH MEN OH I BELIEVE IN YOU DON’T LET HIM BE SUCH A HERO. I BELIEVE IN YOU. STOP THAT MAN, GOTTA STOP HIM— YOU STOP THAT MAN, GOTTA STOP HIM— YOU STOP THAT MAN, GOTTA STOP THAT MAN— GOTTA STOP THAT MAN, I’VE GOTTA STOP THAT MAN COLD— OR HE’LL STOP ME. I BELIEVE IN YOU! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

(Behind the men, the set changes to the boardroom.) 60 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT TWO Scene 5 The BOARDROOM

LIGHTS: Lights up on Biggley’s Office.

All EXECUTIVES, BIGGLEY, and FINCH are present and seated on rolling chairs . Office Boys Cameron Sautel and Garrett Bunch stand there with an overhead projector and a screen.

BOOK: The farmer spends his time in the fields, the laborer at his machine, and businessman at meetings.

FINCH: Gentlemen, I’d like to present my new approach to Wicket advertising. It’s based on an idea which, in my humble opinion, is brilliant—sure to give us penetration and peak reaction.

BIGGLEY: Sounds promising, Finch. Proceed.( OFFICE BOYS reveal an overhead slide of Mt. Vesuvius erupting.) What the hell is that?

FINCH: That’s the impact that our new television show is going to have. . .leading to—

(OFFICE BOYS reveal a slide of Time Magazine with BIGGLEY’s face on it.)

--the kind of national publicity you can look forward to. The cover of Time—

(OFFICE BOYS reveal a slide of LIFE Magazine with BIGGLEY’s face on it.)

—the cover of Life—

(OFFICE BOYS reveal a slide of Golf Magazine with BIGGLEY in his golf outfit.)

--and finally J.B. Biggley, Golfer of the Year.

BIGGLEY: Finch! You’ve done it! Very good!

BUD: Could I ask a question, J.B.?

BIGGLEY: Yes.

BUD: What is his idea?

BIGGLEY: You heard. A television show that will give us penetration and peak reaction. Sounds great, Finch. Great!

BUD: But what’s the idea for the show? 61 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BIGGLEY: I don’t see why you have to be so damned negative. The only things you ever come up with are lousy ideas like treasure hunts. (BUD looks pointedly at FINCH who stares back.) All right, Finch. Tell us more about your idea for the show.

FINCH: I don’t think I’m going to tell it to you.

BIGGLEY: What?

FINCH: You know, J.B., I’ve always thought of you as a man of breadth and vision. . .open to new ideas. But now I don’t know. I’m thrown.

BIGGLEY: By what?

FINCH: By the way you just spoke to Bud about his idea for a treasure hunt. You dismissed it. The fact is, there are treasure hunts and treasure hunts. When Bud brought it to me, I thought it was a rotten idea, too.

BIGGLEY: I should hope so.

FINCH: But then I remembered something. J.B. As you know, an idea in itself is nothing. It’s the development that counts. Leonardo da Vinci once drew some sketches for a flying machine, but it took American know-how to develop them into the Boeing 707. Some anonymous caveman once invented the wheel, but it took American know-how to turn it into the Edsel! When I thought of that, Bud’s idea became a challenge to me. I said to myself, “I’m going to take Bud Frump’s idea and de-frump it.” First of all, my idea is not about a bond or money— it’s about stock! (EXECUTIVES all react, shocked.) Fifty thousand shares of stock.

MATTHEWS/SCHROEDER: Stock?

TOYNBEE/CRONE: In our company?

PETERSON/JOHNS: How can we issue fifty-thousand extra shares of stock?

FINCH: That’s no problem. It’s a simple matter of taking the convertible debentures from the sinking fund, issuing stock options which are exchangeable for rights, which we then convert into non- voting common and replace with warrants. (A beat.)

BRATT: Tell me that again.

FINCH: I can’t.

JENKINS/CARNES: It can’t be done, J.B.

BIGGLEY: It can’t be done.

FINCH: But if it could, wouldn’t it create a tremendous excitement?

BIGGLEY: But it can’t be done. 62 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: But if it could.

BIGGLEY: But it can’t.

FINCH: But if it could, J.B.—just for a moment, say that it could—what’s your answer? (A beat.)

BIGGLEY: I forgot the question.

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: You can’t give away stock!

FINCH: We give away stock dividends, don’t we? Now take a look at my secret ingredient. Gentlemen, I give you the World Wide Wicket Treasure Girl! (HEDY enters in a sexy pirate costume.)

BIGGLEY: What is this?

FINCH: This, J.B. is our secret ingredient. The thing that will take the country by storm. I’m combining greed and sex. It can’t miss. Go ahead, Hedy.

HEDY: Hello, there. I am the World Wide Wicket Treasure Girl. Each week I’m going to bring you a clue to where the World Wide Wicket treasure has been stashed.

FINCH: Buried.

HEDY: Oh, yes, buried. This eye patch gets me all mixed up.

FINCH: Of course, Miss LaRue is just helping me demonstrate the idea. She won’t be our regular Treasure girl.

HEDY: (With a big sigh, acting it up.) Naturally.

FINCH: When we actually go on air, we’ll have a big name personality.

HEDY: Of course. (Sighs.) Well, I’m leaving the firm, anyway. Of course, I wouldn’t if. . . ..

FINCH: Someone like Elizabeth Taylor.

BUD: Why don’t you get the Queen of England?

FINCH: This is an American program. Now, J. B, a beautiful Treasure Girl plus fifty thousand shares of stock will—

BRATT: J.B., tell this maniac off and let us get about our business.

JENKINS/CARNES: What about the S.E.C.?

DAVIS/WILLINGER: What about the F.C.C.? 63 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

JOHNSON/HOMMRICH: What about the stockholders?

PETERSON/JOHNS: What about the board of directors?

GREEN/STAPP: What about the Federal statutes?

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: What about the Federal Trade Commission?

TOYNBEE/CRONE: What about the Senate Investigating Committee?

BIGGLEY: I’ll handle this. Gentlemen and Miss LaRue, will you please leave me alone with Mr. Finch? (They exit with their chairs.) Finch, you’re a brilliant young chap, but I’m afraid you’ve let us down. You’ve missed the boat. You haven’t thought this out properly.

FINCH: I don’t understand, J.B.

BIGGLEY: Tell me, why does the Treasure Girl have to be a big name personality? (FINCH SMILE.)

FINCH: Sir?

BIGGLEY: How would it be if she were. . .well. . .someone more. . .

FINCH: More?

BIGGLEY: More identified with the company. A real. . .uh. . .

FINCH: A real World Wide Wicket girl?

BIGGLEY: Yes, maybe—(as if getting a brilliant idea)—say, why not Miss LaRue herself?

FINCH: Brilliant, J.B. Brilliant. Instead of an artificial actress, we have plain, simple Hedy Larue—the girl next door! Brilliant! Then it’s all settled. (Starts out.)

BIGGLEY: Just a moment, Finch. Where are you going to hide the treasure?

FINCH: J.B. this show is completely unrigged. Not even the Treasure Girl herself is going to know where the treasure is hidden.

BIGGLEY: Well, I need to know.

FINCH: Okay. It can be a secret between you and me. The Treasure Girl’s first clue is, “West of the sun, west of the moon. Where is the treasure? Blow me a tune.”

BIGGLEY: What the hell is that?

FINCH: Tough clue, isn’t it? But notice that the first letters of each line are W.W.W.B. The World Wide Wicket Building. 64 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BIGGLEY: You’re going to use our buildings?

FINCH: I’m going to hide five thousand shares of stock in each of the World Wide Wicket buildings throughout the country. We’ll get tremendous publicity.

BIGGLEY: But you’ll have mobs of people running all over our buildings, looking for the treasure.

FINCH: J.B., if a man as brilliant as you couldn’t guess from the clue I gave you, do you think the average viewer is going to guess?

BIGGLEY: Good point.

FINCH: (Calls offstage.) Gentlemen, you can come in. (Executives file back on.)

BIGGLEY: Gentlemen, I’d like your opinions about going ahead with the World Wide Wicket Treasure Hunt—

BRATT: J.B. it’s an absolutely crazy idea, and—

BIGGLEY: I like it—

BRATT: I like it.

EXECUTIVES: (In unison.) We like it!

LIGHTS: Lights down on the mainstage and up on the extension.

SET: Change set to TV studio, TV room with the TV set, roll chairs. 65 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT TWO Scene 5 T.V. STUDIO.

PIRATE DANCE takes place during the set change. Rachel, Sarah, Jennifer, and Megan—dressed like pirates—hold the back set. Carson films with a 1960’s camera. Natalie K is the make-up girl with a make-up kit. Johnny holds a boom mic. Dressed as pirates, Cameron Sautel, Nolan Hovell, Nolan Lawson, and Spencer Davis stand along the back of the stage.

T.V. HOST: And those were our World Wide Wicket Dancers. (Sound of thunderous applause. DANCERS blow kisses and run off.) And this is the World Wide Wicket Company whose slogan—for over one hundred years has been —

WICKETTES: World Wide Wickets! (Sound of thunderous applause.)

HOST: And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for—the World Wide Wicket Treasure Girl.

BRATT: It’s beginning to get me. I’m beginning to wonder where the treasure is, myself.

JENKINS/CARNES: Yeah, where is it, Ponty?

FINCH: Nope! Nobody in the whole world knows except me and J.B. Right, J.B.?

BIGGLEY: (Nervously.) Ssshhh.

(Cameron Sautel, Nolan Hovell, Nolan Lawson, and Spencer Davis exit and carry in HEDY. They set her down.)

HEDY: Hello, there in TV Land. I’m about to give you the first clue in the World Wide Wicket Treasure Hunt. In ten different places in this great country are buried five thousand shares of stock, making a total of fifty thousand shares in all. And now for the first clue. (Fanfare.)

WICKET GIRLS: The first clue.

HEDY: The first clue is, “West of the sun-- 66 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

HOST: One moment, Treasure Girl. (The AGENT FROM BROADCAST STANDARDS enters with a large Bible.) This is an agent from the Broadcast Standards Department, an agency of the United States government.

AGENT: Miss LaRue, will you please place your hand on the Bible. And will you swear that there has been no fixing or rigging in connection with this show?

HEDY: (Nervously.) I do.

AGENT: And that the clue you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and free from any trickery, chicanery, or dishonesty? (HEDY hesitates.)

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: She looks surprised.

FINCH: She is. Hedy didn’t know about this. I wanted this part of the show to be completely spontaneous and unrehearsed.

AGENT: Do you swear to that, Miss LaRue?

HEDY: I do.

AGENT: And finally, do you swear that you yourself do not know where the treasure is actually hidden?

BIGGLEY: You see? We’re going to get into trouble.

FINCH: Why? You and I are the only ones who know where the treasure is hidden. She doesn’t know. (ALL look at BIGGLEY). Does she?

BIGGLEY: Let’s watch the program.

AGENT: Do you swear to that, Miss LaRue? Miss LaRue?

HEDY: Look, I do not wish to take a bum rap. I will not swear false witness to perjury. I do know where the treasure is hid. I found out last night. There is treasure hid in all the World Wide Wicket Buildings right now!

(All pirates who can, plus Make-up Girl and the TV staff run out to try to find the treasure. MEN react in horror. BIGGLEY collapses.)

WICKETTES: (In unison.)The first clue—

LIGHTS: Lights change to lobby 67 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

SET: Change set to lobby

ACT TWO Scene 7 LOBBY.

Chase Scene

Part I

1. LUKE: Luke Pearson enters DSR 3 counts after Noah enters. He begins tapping the walls, looking for a secret panel. He continues doing this until end of #6.

2. MICHAEL/NOAH: Noah LeClaire, Bobby Hall, and Carson Kehres run on from DSL. All are carrying big boxes piled high with World Wide Wickets files. Noah sees Bobby’s wallet and hands his box to Bobby—then steals Bobby’s wallet, shows to audience, then sneaks off DSL. Bobby and Carson realize what’s happening and chase him off, leaving the boxes in the tech room.

3. NATALIE KNOER runs across stage leafing through a binder.

4. KYLE: At the same time as I-1, Charles Babcock chases Sam Holt down Aisle 2. Sam is carrying a big box piled high with World Wide Wickets files. To stop Charles, Sam throws a file folder at his feet. Charles does a banana-peel fall. Sam does a victory dance, not realizing that Charles is recovering. Charles sneaks up on Sam who whirls around and slams his box into Charles’ stomach and goes down again. Sam runs off aisle 4 chased by Sam.

5. SEILER: As soon as I-1 is finished, Gatch steps out of the left elevator, disguised with a poncho, Groucho Marx sunglasses, and sombrero and suitcases with Venezuela luggage bumper stickers across them. He looks around and figures he is safe. Ross Vessels runs across stage with a box of files. Gatch stops him and piles on his suitcases, sombrero, sunglasses, and poncho and sends him on his way—off SR. Gatch watches the chase until Natalie Knoer runs out of the right elevator carrying an armload of files and stops, winded. Gatch sees a chance and moves in. She runs down the front-of-extension stairs and hides behind the front row—Gatch chases her. He then chases her back up the front of extension stairs and off DSL.

6. Phil Miller (Office Boy) chases Daniel James (looter) across stage. Palmer carries a typewriter.

7. Palmer Thompson skulks across stage carrying a box filled with file folders.

8. TRENT: (Begin 5 counts after #1 finishes (Johnny McNicol is dragging a big box on DSL (get from Bobby Hall when he exits). When he reaches the halfway point on stage, he gets on his knees and starts rummaging through the box, looking for the treasure. Daniel Dambros enters aisle 1, spots him, runs up Side Stars R and chases him off DSL. 68 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

Part II

9. MICHAEL/NOAH: Noah LeClaire, Bobby Hall, and Carson Kehres run on from DSL carrying a file cabinet. They carry it down to the extension DSR and begin searching through the drawer. The right elevator opens and Michael and Cameron rush on, eager to stop looters. Michael begins to choke Noah. Carson knees Michael in the groin and Carson/ Noah run off DSL. Cameron punches Bobby to the ground and chases Carson and Noah. Michael recovers and chases Bobby out DSR.

10. LUKE/ROSS: Luke Pearson runs down and tries to drag the abandoned file cabinet off. Ross Vessels runs in from SR, sees him, and runs over. They indulge in a tug of war with the file cabinet. They finally agree to share and carry it off left elevator .

11. Sarah Schweitzer runs across stage leafing through a folder.

12. KYLE: As soon as Ross reaches the file Guns drawn, Matt Vetter and Taylor Lawson come backwards down aisles 1 and 4, looking for looters. David Zoe sneaks down aisle 2 backwards, his arms filled with a file box; Harrison Cabral does the same in aisle 3. The four back into each other, scream, and David runs off aisle 1 pursued by Matt and Harrison runs off aisle 4 pursued by Taylor.

13. SEILER: 3 counts after Cameron exits DSL, Megan and Jennifer run on DSL carrying a desk. They put it down Center Stage and begin to search through it. Gatch enters DSR (after Michael has gone off) and spots them. He spiffs himself up and goes to them. He whispers in the first one’s ear. She whispers what he said to the other. They take turns beating him up with their purses and then chase him off DSR.

14. TRENT: 3 counts after the left elevator has closed on Luke and Ross, the right elevator opens. Logan runs out, his arms full of files. He trips, and the files go flying over the extension. One beat after the right elevator door opened for Logan, the left elevator opens for Andrew van Camp (and his nightstick) who is chasing Logan. Logan pleads for mercy. Andrew makes him clean up every file, standing over him until he does so. Then Andrew drags Logan off DSL.

15. Phil Miller (Office Boy) chases Daniel James (looter) across stage. Palmer carries a larger piece of office equipment. Phil no longer has his tie on.

16. Natalie knoer runs across stage leafing through a binder.

17. Palmer Thompson skulks across stage carrying a small file cabinet.

Part III 69 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

18. MICHAEL/NOAH: Noah LeClaire and Carson Kehres run on from DSL and spot the abandoned desk. They run over and start rummaging through it. Bobby enters from DSR and runs over to claim it. They fight. The right elevator door opens and MISS JONES enters—a bandana around her head and guns strapped across her chest. She confronts them. They cower. She motions for them to wait a minute, and then she takes off her earrings and drops them into her cleavage. She makes them pick up the desk and carry it off the left elevator.

19. SEILER: Gatch runs across stage from DSR to DSL carrying Rachel Walker slung across his shoulder.

20. TRENT: Tired Daniel Dambros chases tired Logan in DSL. They both agree to pause for a moment while they stand and try to catch their breath, and then they resume their chase down the side stairs, across the pit, and off DSL. Mr. Matthews (Trent) enters from DSR, looking for looters. Johnny McNicol comes in right behind him, mocking him. Trent finally realizes Johnny is there, and chases him off DSL.

21. Megan Giangarra runs across stage leafing through a binder.

22. KYLE/LUKE/ROSS: Luke runs on from DSR carrying a box of lampshades, chased by Ross who wants them. He runs across the extension and down the SL extension stairs, smack into Kyle The lampshades fall out. Luke, and Ross grab for them, but Kyle spots the police in the back of the auditorium and warns them. They look around but see no easy way to escape, so each man grabs a lampshade, puts it on his head, and pretends to be a lamp. Charles Babcock runs on—gun drawn— DSL. Matt Vetter and Taylor Lawson run on—guns drawn—aisles 2 and 3. They meet in the pit and they shine their flashlights over the audience, looking for looters. The cops bump into each other, drop their flashlights (which then go out). Try as they might, they can’t get them to work, so Taylor reaches up to turn on the nearest lamp—which sneezes. Everyone reacts. Taylor chases one lamp through row 2 center and out aisle 2 or 3. Charles chases one lamp through aisle 4 right and out; Matt chases two lamps through aisle 6 left and out.

23. Sam/ David: Sam Holt and David Zou run down aisle 1 and up onto stage. They each have stethoscopes and begin tapping the wall and listening to it to try to find a secret panel. They discover one and show excitement, and then David sends Same off to get a sledgehammer.

24. Jennifer Giangarra runs across stage leafing through a binder.

25. Andrew/Harrison: Andrew, nightstick drawn, chases Harrison halfway across stage (entering DSL). Harrison tells him to pause, and then Harrison pulls out a giant stapler and begins to fire staples at Andrew and chases him out DSL.

26. SEILER: Rachel—holding an upraised letter opener—chases Seiler across stage.

27. Phil Miller (Office Boy) chases Daniel James (looter) across stage. Palmer carries an office chair. Phil’s tie is around his forehead, and his shirt is unbuttoned.

28. Palmer Thompson skulks across stage carrying a large file cabinet 70 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

Part IV

29. TRENT: Johnny rides Logan piggyback onto stage DSL , chases by Piggybacked Daniel/Trent. They stage a chase like cowboys on horses, and then gallup off DSL

30. SEILER: SARAH SCHWEITZER (nun) runs in from elevator right, her arms filled with files. She stops to adjust them so she won’t drop them. Elevator left has opened. Gatch sees the nun, gets excted, and makes a move on her. She shames him, knocks him to the ground (dropping all her files), makes the sign of the cross over him, and exits DSR.

31. MICHAEL/NOAH: Noah, Carson, and Bobby Hall run in DSL with files. When they get center, they duck, leaving their files on the floor. Cameron and Michael—their ties around their foreheads like battle gear, run in DSL and jump over them. All square off. They circle each other. Carson exits SR. Circle again, and Bobby exits SRR. Cameron and Michael go to grab Noah, but Noah ducks and exits SR. Cameron and Michael end up hugging—get embarrassed, and end with chest bump. Michael jumps on Cameron’s back and exits SR.

32. Sam/ David/ Andrew/Harrison: Sam Holt drags a sledgehammer back in, preparing to hammer the walls. The sledgehammer is too heavy for him to lift. David indicates that he can do it and gives it a try, but he’s not able to life it. Harrison enters, DSL and wants to try, but he can’t pick it up. Andrew leaps in, easily lifts the sledgehammer, and chases them all out DSL.

33. Palmer Thompson drags a huge desk across stage.

34. KYLE/LUKE/ROSS: Matt, Taylor, and Charles (guns drawn) chase Ross and Luke down aisle 3 to the front of the extension. They have them freeze. Kyle—who has sneaked on from DSL, springs out with an industrial stapler and makes them drop their weapons. Ross and Luke pick up the weapons, and then they pull off the police belts and brandish them like whips, herding the police out stage left. Partway there, the policemen’s pants fall down, revealing colorful shorts/boxers (if police are comfortable doing this.) (Trent’s idea)

35. SEILER: Miss Jones enters from the left elevator dressed for battle. Gatch comes to and sees her from behind and shows the audience he is eager to interact with her. He grabs her butt. She beats him up in a very action movie way, does a gorilla roar, and wipes his blood on her face. Then she turns back into a very proper lady, puts on lipstick, and exits via the elevator.

36. Phil Miller (Office Boy) chases Daniel James (looter) across stage. Palmer carries a secretary. Phil is shirtless.

MISS JONES and EXECUTIVES finish chasing out the last of the TREASURE SEEKERS.

BRATT: Victory is ours! (ALL cheer.)

MISS JONES: Take the prisoners—I mean, customers—outside and release them! 71 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: Has anyone seen Finch?

JENKINS/CARNES: He seems to have disappeared. (BUD enters.)

BUD: J.B. wants to see Finch right now. He’s hopping mad. (WOMPER runs across—the POLICEMEN chase him.)

OFFICER MALONE/BABCOCK: Come back here, you. (They grab him and start to handcuff him.)

BRATT: What are you doing?

OFFICER NUNNELLY/VAN CAMP: It’s another treasure hunter.

OFFICER O’HARA/VETTER: This little nut has tried to sneak past me three times.

BRATT: That little nut is the chairman of the board, Mr. Womper.

OFFICER PERRY/LAWSON: Chairman of the board, huh.

OFFICER REILLY/DAMBROS: You big-shots all look alike to me. (POLICEMEN exit.)

BRATT: I’m very sorry this happened, Mr. Womper. If you’ll come with me, Mr. Biggley is in his office. Luckily they didn’t wreck that. (As WOMPER boards the elevator, BRATT addresses the other EXECUTIVES.) Find Finch! (ALL exit except MISS JONES. ROSEMARY enters.)

JONES: Rosemary, have you seen Ponty?

ROSEMARY: No, and I’m so worried about him.

JONES: So am I. He was a nice boy.

ROSEMARY: Was? What will they do to him?

JONES: I don’t know. Somebody’s head has to roll. (Makes a bowling motion, then exits. FINCH enters. ROSEMARY rushes into his arms.)

ROSEMARY: Ponty!

FINCH: I’m so glad you’re here.

ROSEMARY: Where have you been?

FINCH: Out walking the streets. But I’ve come back to face the music.

ROSEMARY: What are you going to do? 72 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: Do? What does a man do when the entire world has collapsed around his ears? Nothing. I’m going to make a clean breast of everything and go back to what I was before I came here.

ROSEMARY: What were you?

FINCH: An interior decorator. (A beat.) There I go again. I can’t even tell you the truth. I was a window washer.

ROSEMARY: I don’t care what you do. I’m not leaving you again. (BUD enters with POLICMEN).

BUD: Finch, you’re wanted in J.B.’s office.

FINCH: Can’t I even say good-bye to Rosemary?

BUD: Go ahead.

FINCH: Rosemary, good-bye. I’m sorry—

BUD: Come along. (The POLICE begin to drag him out.)

FINCH: I’m sorry, Rosemary. I wish none of this had ever happened! (THE POLICEMEN and BUD escort FINCH off. His book falls out of his pocket. SPOTLIGHT on ROSEMARY as BOARD ROOM is set up.)

LIGHTS: Specialty light on Rosemary. Rest of the stage dark.

CURTAIN SCENE 7-8

SONG #31 I BELIEVE IN YOU (ROSEMARY)

ROSEMARY: YOU HAVE THE COOL, CLEAR EYES OF A SEEKER OF WISDOM AND TRUTH. YET THERE’S THAT UPTURNED CHIN AND THE GRIN OF IMPETUOUS YOUTH. OH, I BELIEVE IN YOU. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

(ROSEMARY picks up the book and begins to read.)

BOOK: In every businessman’s career there are times when things go a bit wrong. We have many suggestions for coping with these little problems. However, should you be the cause of a disaster that’s really disastrous, we suggest that your best bet is to review the first chapter of this book, How to Apply for a Job.

LIGHTS: Up on Biggley’s Office 73 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s 74 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT TWO Scene 8 Biggley’s Office

WOMPER sits at the head of the table, J.B. next to him. The EXECUTIVES are all present.

BIGGLEY: Now, Wally, let me tell you that before we go any further that I realize that I’m the president of this company. . .the man who is responsible for everything that goes on here. So I’d like to state right now that anything that happened is not my fault. There’s one bright side to this whole thing, Wally. You’ll be happy to know that we’ve got somebody to pin it on. Now, he’s a very slick youngster, so when he gets here, I’ll do all the talking. (JONES enters, followed by BUD and the POLICEMEN with FINCH.)

MISS JONES: He’s here, sir. (Sits down to take notes.)

FINCH: Mr. Biggley, I’d like to—

BIGGLEY: (Cuts him off.)I’ll do the talking. This is Mr. Womper, the chairman of the board.

FINCH: Mr. Womper, I’d like to—

BIGGLEY: (Cuts him off.) No speeches, Finch. It’s settled. I want you to sign a letter of resignation in which you accept all the blame for what happened.

FINCH: I’ll be glad to.

BIGGLEY: What?

FINCH: I’ll do what you said.

BIGGLEY: You’re sure this isn’t one of your tricks?

FINCH: No, Mr. Biggley. I’m through with all that. You see, this firm has been very good to me. Now I’m going to resign, take the blame, and go back to doing what I did before I came here.

BIGGLEY: What did you do, Finch?

FINCH: I was a window washer.

WOMPER: No kiddin’. I started as a window washer myself! (FINCH turns to the audience, smiles, and pushes the letter of resignation away. The EXECUTIVES are stunned.)

BIGGLEY: You did?

WOMPER: What the hell did you think I was—a rail splitter? (Disgustedly refers to BIGGLEY.) College man. So you were a window washer. 75 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

FINCH: Yes, Mr. Womper.

WOMPER: Call me Wally.

FINCH: Okay, Wally.

WOMPER: Tell me, Finch—

FINCH: Call me Ponty.

WOMPER: Okay, Ponty. Boy, it’s been a long time since I had someone around here I could talk to. But I tell you, I don’t know how we’re going to recover from this. Eight buildings wrecked, our stock is down—we’re the laughing stock of the industry. Ponty, how did this happen? I could understand a college man pulling a dumb stunt like this, but not no window washer. Now, this idea of yours—

FINCH: Hold it, Wally. If there’s one thing I won’t do, it’s take credit for another man’s idea. Especially when he’s the boss’s nephew. (EVERYONE moves away from BUD.)

WOMPER: (To BIGGLEY) You never told me you hired your nephew.

BIGGLEY: He’s not really my nephew. . .he’s my wife’s nephew. And I’ve never shown him any favoritism. In fact, I hate him. (Points to FINCH.) But he can’t deny that the idea for the Treasure Girl was his.

EXCECUTIVES: That’s right, J.B. You tell ‘em, J.B. That’s the way, J.B., etc.

FINCH: Well, that was my idea.

WOMPER: And not a bad one. But who the hell picked that bubble-headed tomato? (EVERYONE moves away from BIGGLEY.) Uh-huh.

BIGGLEY: Wally, she’s a very nice girl. You should talk to her.

WOMPER: I intend to. Well, I think I’ve got the whole picture. Now the question is what to do and who to do it to.

FINCH: Wait a minute, Wally. Before you make any hasty decisions—I’d like to say a few words.

WOMPER: About what?

FINCH: Humanity.

SONG #33 BROTHERHOOD OF MAN

You see, Wally, even though we’re all part of the cold corporate setup, deep down under our skins there is flesh and blood. We’re all brothers. 76 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

BIGGLEY: Some of us are uncles.

FINCH: NOW YOU MAY JOIN THE ELKS, MY FRIEND, AND I MAY JOIN THE SHRINERS, AND OTHER MEN MY CARRY CARDS AS MEMBERS OF THE DINERS. STILL OTHERS WEAR A GREENEN kEY OR SMALL GREEK LETTER PIN. BUT I HAVE LEARNED THERE’S ONE GREAT CLUB WHAT ALL OF US ARE IN.

THERE IS A BROTHERHOOD OF MAN, A BENEVOLENT BROTHERHOOD OF MAN. A NOBLE TIE THAT BINDS ALL HUMAN HEARTS AND MINDS INTO ONE BROTHERHOOD OF MAN. YOUR LIFE-LONG MEMBERSHIP IS FREE. KEEP A-GIVING EACH BROTHER ALL YOU CAN. OH AREN’T YOU PROUD TO BE IN THAT FRATERNITY— THAT GREAT BIG BROTHERHOOD OF MAN?

So, Wally, I want you to remember that before you consider firing Mr. Biggley.

BIGGLEY: Who’s considering that?

FINCH: You see, Wally, I know what’s on your mind. You’d like to clear out the whole crowd from top to bottom. That’s the obvious move. But stop and think—(Goes to one Executive.)

ONE MAN MAY SEEM INCOMPETENT—(goes to another man.) ANOTHER NOT MAKE SENSE--(goes to another man.) WHILE OTHERS LOOK LIKE QUITE A WASTE OF COMPANY EXPENSE—(goes to another man.) THEY NEED A BROTHER’S LEADERSHIP, SO PLEASE DON’T DO THEM IN. REMEMBER MEDIOCRITY IS NOT A MORTAL SIN. THEY’RE—

ALL MEN: WE’RE--

FINCH: IN--

ALL MEN: IN--

FINCH: THE--

ALL MEN: --BROTHERHOOD OF MAN, DEDICATED TO GIVING ALL WE CAN.

FINCH: OH AREN’T YOU PROUD TO BE IN THAT FRATERNITY—

ALL MEN: THE GREAT BIG BROTHERHOOD OF MAN!

WOMPER: No kiddin’? IS THERE REALLY A BROTHERHOOD—

ALL MEN: YES, YOU’RE A BROTHER—

WOMPER: OF MAN? 77 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ALL MEN: YOU ARE A BROTHER.

WOMPER: ON THE LEVEL—A BROTHERHOOD OF MAN?

ALL MEN: OH, YES! OH, YES! A NOBLE TIE THAT BINDS ALL HUMAN HEARTS AND MINDS

WOMPER: INTO ONE BROTHERHOOD OF MAN!

(OFFICE BOYS enter.)

ALL MEN: OH, YES, YOUR MEMBERSHIP IS FREE. KEEP A-GIVING EACH BROTHER ALL YOU CAN. OH AREN’T YOU

ALL MEN MISS JONES PROUD TO BE YOU. . .YOU GOT ME, IN THAT FRATERNITY— ME. . .I GOT THAT GREAT BIG YOU-OO BROTHERHOOD OF MAN? YOU—OO!

MISS JONES: OH, THAT NOBLE FEELING, FEELS LIKE BELLS ARE PEALING, DOWN WITH DOUBLE DEALING, OH, BROTHER. YOU, YOU GOT ME. ME, I GOT YOU—OO, YOU—OO!

ALL: OH, THAT NOBLE FEELING, FEELS LIKE BELLS ARE PEALING, LIGHTS: sneak up on audience

DIXIELAND parade comes down aisles wearing Mardi Gras beads. Parade leaders carry parasols. All others have white handkerchiefs to wave.

1. Down Aisle 1, up Aisle 2: a. Parade leader: Anna Medley b. Sanjana Mahesh & Charles Babcock (cop) c. Abishek Mahesh& Sarah Schweitzer(nun) d. Ross Vessels (Agent) & Nicole Karem (secretary) e. Harrison Cabral & Megan Giangarra –both choir robes f. David Zou & Jennifer Giangarra –both choir robes g. Phil Miller & Natalie Knoer (secretary) h. Daniel James (janitor) and Matt Vetter (cop)

2. Down Aisle 4, up Aisle 3 a. Parade leader: Kirsten Swikert b. Andrew Van Camp (cop)& Martina Parola (choir robe) c. Bobby Hall (janitor) & Rachel Walker (secretary) d. Taylor Lawson (cop) & Natalie Thompson (secretary) e. Carson Kehres& Nicole Karem 78 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

f. Connor Dosch& Rachel Beavin g. Noah LeClaire (prisoner) and Daniel Dambros(cop)

DOWN WITH DOUBLE DEALING, OH, BROTHER. YOU, YOU GOT ME. ME, I GOT YOU—OO, YOU—OO! OH, THAT NOBLE FEELING, FEELS LIKE BELLS ARE PEALING, DOWN WITH DOUBLE DEALING, OH, BROTHER. YOU, YOU GOT ME. ME, I GOT YOU—OO, YOU—OO!

` YOUR LIFE-LONG MEMBERSHIP IS FREE. KEEP A-GIVING EACH BROTHER ALL YOU CAN. OH AREN’T YOU PROUD TO BE IN THAT FRATERNITY— THAT GREAT BIG BROTHERHOOD OF MAN!

LIGHTS: Specialty light on Rosemary. Rest of the stage dark.

SET: Change set to lobby.

CURTAIN SCENE II, 7

(The BOARDROOM changes into the LOBBY as a scene is played on the extension. FOUR EXECUTIVES are standing there, reading the newspapers. BUD rushes up to EXECUTIVE A.)

BUD: ______, give me a break! (JENKINS turns away to continue his reading. BUD moves to JOHNSON.) We were always good friends, ______. (He waves his hands in front of JOHNSON who doesn’t react. He moves to PETERSON.) Remember all our good times, ______? (PETERSON turns away. BUD crosses to TACKABERRY). You—I never liked. (To ALL.) Well, I’m not going to go. (Falls to the floor. JENKINS gives a nod and they all move over to pick him up and carry him off.) No, no, you can’t make me. I’m too young to go. I’m just a boy. I’ll get sick. (They exit.)

LIGHTS: Up on lobby. 79 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

ACT TWO Scene 9

THE LOBBY. THE SECRETARIES, and OFFICE BOYS are huddled outside the elevators as if waiting outside a delivery room. The Elevator doors part and SMITTY enters. KRUMHOLTZ hurries over to SMITTY.

KRUMHOLTZ: Hey, Smitty, any news yet?

SMITTY: I haven’t heard a thing. (JENKINS enters.) Oh, Mr. Jenkins, have you heard anything yet?

JENKINS/CARNES: Don’t know a thing.

TACKABERRY/OTTEN: Looks like a big shake-up. (The ELEVATOR doors open and BRATT steps out followed by TACKABERRY.)

BRATT: Boys and girls, may I have a word. As you know, there have been a few changes made at World Wide Wickets. I am speaking to you now in my new capacity as vice president in charge of Employee Morale and Psychological Adjustment. Mr. Tackaberry is now in charge of Personnel. (Applause.) Now I would like to hear a few words from our hard-driving, hard-working president, J.B. Biggley. (Other elevator doors open and BIGGLEY steps out followed by MISS JONES. Applause.)

BIGGLEY: I can truly state that World Wide Wickets is now stronger than ever. And I feel a lot of the credit should go to a certain bright and very loyal young man. (Elevator doors open, and FINCH steps out.) As you know, this youngster’s rise has been spectacularly rapid. As a matter of fact, for a while I began to think he was after my job. (Laughter.) But luckily for me, he didn’t want it.

FINCH: No, J.B., your job is much too tough for me. But I’d like to say, all the credit for our recovery should go to a great man and great humanitarian, the chairman of the board, Wally Womper— who is here today with his charming wife. (Elevator doors open. WOMPER and HEDY appear.) And I have a surprise announcement from this newlywed. Wally Womper has decided that after all his years of service, he’s going to retire as chairman of the board, and he and his lovely wife are going to take a long honeymoon trip around the world.

HEDY: Sweetie, you didn’t tell me.

WOMPER: I didn’t know. (A beat.) Well, what the hell. It’s not a bad idea at that.

BIGGLEY: Wally, who’s going to be the new chairman of the board as if I didn’t know. (ALL turn to look at FINCH.)

FINCH: I don’t know if I can accept. I’ll have to ask Mrs. Finch. (ELEVATOR doors open and ROSEMARY steps out.) 80 |S U C C E E D s e t c h a n g e s

SONG #34A HALLELUJAH!

GIRLS: HALLELUJAH!

FINCH: Rosemary, I’ve got a big decision to make. They want to make me chairman of the board. What do you think?

ROSEMARY: Darling, I don’t care if you work in the mailroom or you’re chairman of the board or president of the United States. I love you.

FINCH: Say that again.

ROSEMARY: I love you.

FINCH: No, before that.

BIGGLEY: Miss Jones, take a wire to the White House. WATCH OUT!

SONG #35 FINALE ACT TWO (COMPANY WAY)

ALL PEOPLE ON STAGE: WE PLAY IT THE COMPANY WAY. EXECUTIVE POLICY IS BY US OKAY!

(BUD, in a jamitor outfit, begins to sweep the stage while reading the Book.)

THOUGH FOR THE DEPARTED WE SHED A MOURNFUL TEAR. WHOEVER THE COMPANY FIRES, WE WILL STILL BE HERE.

(Curtain call. At the end of Bows--)

SONG #36 BOWS

ENTIRE CAST AND CREW: OH, AREN’T YOU PROUD TO BE IN THAT FRATERNITY— THAT GREAT BIG BROTHERHOOD OF MAN!