Happy Holidays from the Pits of Hell Don Juan Stops at UMBC on His
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PAGE 6 Wht mttvizUv DRCRMRRR 14. 1993 FEATURES From True Romance To Anlndecent Proposal: Don Juan Stops At The Cinematic Year In Review Teddy Durgin tive that not all "Saturday Night Live" UMBC On His Way Retriever Staff Writer sketches should be made into feature films. 3) Guilty As Sin... only if you saw this Don Johnson clunker. 4) Home From The War Another year has come and gone, and Hollywood still hasn't come up Made in America. Whoopi and Ted may have enjoyed it, but find some- of those places where the very fabric with an answer to the question: Who Kelley Slagle one else who did. 5) Son-In-Law. Hell Retriever Editorial Staff of society has been destroyed. the Hell keeps green-lighting all "So Don Juan comes, and because those Ernest films? Oh, well. Tis is a place that shows Pauly Shore films 24 hours a day for eons and he is a blank, women can see [in him] the season for recaps and end-of-the- One man. whatever they've lost or whatever year reviews. eons. One more good reason to seek God. Twenty-nine women. they need to help them survive. The One play. reverse is that Don Juan does not see FIVE MOVIES MORE PEOPLE in them what he's looking for so SHOULD HAVE SEEN: 1) Baroka, FIVE BEST UNSUNG PERFOR- MANCES: 1) Robert Downey Jr. in "He's been portrayed as a real dis- eventually he abandons all of them the year's best head-trip. 2) Matinee. sipated lover, he's been portrayed as and goes in search for the love he had One of the best movies John Heart and Souls. Other young actors an idealist. He's been portrayed as a before the war that he abandoned. Goodman has ever done. Too bad it may get more press, but Downey has hero, he's been portrayed as a vil- The ironic thing is that she's dead, came out in January. 3) Menace II the stuff to be a major star. As a man lain," Alan Kreizenbeck, director of and when he finds this out the next Society. The Hughes brothers did who gets possessed by no less than UMBC's latest offering, Don Juan thing is that he has to die." Singleton one better. This year's Boyz four guardian angels, he was superb. Comes Back From the War, says of Dan Garrett's portrayal of Don N' The Hood. 4) The Piano. As a 2) Jeff Goldblum as the chaos-theory- its main character. Juan was chilling and sympathetic. music-loving mute, Holly Hunter hit pushing mathematician in Jurassic But the writer of the play, Odon He was able to master his character's all the right notes. 5) True Romance. Park. In a movie where the dinosaur von Horvath, decided to pick Don coldness and distance, and delivered Brad Pitt smokin' dope from a honey stars overwhelmed the human stars, Juan the idealist. "But [he] is also the sometimes snappy, hard and hon- bottle ... how could you resist? Goldblum stood tall, chomping more scenery than the T-Rex. 3) Frank very corrupt," Kreizenbeck points est lines of Don Juan with ease. At out. "Don Juan succeeds because he one point in the play, he tells a FIVE MOVIES TOO MANY Langella as the evil White House doesn't really care. And Don Juan for woman that he would not want to be PEOPLE HAVE SEEN: 1) Ernest chief of staff in Dave. I'd kill to have Rides Again. If it made $1, it made this guy's voice. 4) John Leguizamo von Horvath is kind of a blank sheet with her because he finds her repul- too much. 2) The Firm. How could as Benny, the wannabe gangster who of paper that women can write what- sive. 16 million people pay to root for a steals the big blow away from Pacino ever they want to on." Garrett was not passionate as one yuppie lawyer? 3) Indecent Proposal. in Carlito's Way. 5) Mary Stuart The studio production (the cast and would think a person like Don Juan Courtesy of Warner Brothers This latest Demi Moore tease-fest Masterson in Benny and Joon. One design teams were made up of only might be. "He's not a cad, he's not a Christian Slater, who starred in "True Romance", will was supposed to get audiences hot of Hollywood's most under-rated tal- students), which ran last week, told rapist, he doesn't sleep with every- and bothered. But the only reason I ents, she continues to turn in good appear next in Anne Rice's "Interview With a Vampire." the old legend of Don Juan, the infa- one ..." Kreizenbeck points out. And reached into my pocket was to see work. mous seducer, but was set in post when Don Juan did let emotion en- Ruby in Paradise. The closest it how much money I lost on this tur- Ashley, Sadie Frost, or Polly Walker World War I Germany. Upon return- ter his demeanor, such as when he played around here was at the Key key. 4) Jurassic Park. A great adven- MOST DISTURBING TREND: get some of the costume drama lime- ing from being a soldier, Don Juan finally succumbs to death at the end, Theater in Georgetown, but it was ture film, awesome special effects, The use of music from previously light. encounters and engages a number of Garrett responded appropriately. but $1 billion worldwide? 5) Mrs. released movies to promote new worth the drive to see this star in the women. Among the nine women who por- Doubtfire. Robin Williams is a bet- films in TV commercials, such as: making. Watch for her in Oliver BEST TRAILER: The preview to Meanwhile, these women are la- trayed the myriad of characters, a feat ter man as a man than he ever was a James Homer's theme from Willow Stone's thriller Natural Born Killers, Clint Eastwood's In The Line of Fire, menting the losses of their loves in to be praised itself, there were some man as a woman. You know what I (1988) for The Three Musketeers ad; due out next June. with the spinning six in 1963 turning battle, and are trying to endure the shining stars, even though all of the mean? Horner's Aliens music to promote into a nine in 1993, and ending with hard life of a post-war country. women roles in the play were well- Needful Things; and Danny Elfman's LEAST ANSWERED QUES- Clint scowling, "That's not gonna "He's something for them to hold executed. But admittedly, I wasn't FIVE MOVIES NOBODY score from Edward Scissorshands to TION: Since when did Winona happen," was brilliant. It garnered on to," Kreizenbeck explains. able to always figure out who did SHOULD HAVE SEEN: 1) Another advertise The Secret Garden. Ryder become the foremost period more audience response than any "They've lost, the society's de- what (the program is very vague, but Stakeout. A sad sequel that took six actress of our generation? First Bram trailer I have ever seen. stroyed, and there's gunfights in the I will do my best to put the character years to make, and about six seconds BEST PERFORMANCE BY A Stoker's Dracula, and now The Age streets between political parties com- with the name.) First, praise goes to SEE RECAP, PAGE 7 to forget. 2) Coneheads. Proof posi- NEWCOMER: Ashley Judd in of Innocence. Step aside and let parable to Somalia or Bosnia or any SEE DON JUAN, PAGE 8 Happy Holidays Geronimo Leads Audience on the Borepath nal inhabitants, receive allotted plots David Dobrow Retriever Staff Writer of land where they are encouraged From The Pits of Hell to settle down and grow corn in the rocky soil. Master, who will teach me the For eighteen months in 1885 and Ken Marseilles Davis, along with Lieutenant ways of the dark side of the force. 86 in the American Southwest, Musical Satan Gatewood (Jason Patric) are assigned 9.) Have a heart-to-heart with Jack Geronimo and his band of 35 ren- to find Geronimo and escort him to Kervorkian and swap stories over egade Apaches evaded and fought off Editor's Note: This Bridgadier General Natan a steaming flagon of mead. over 5000 cavalry soldiers — half of article contains lan- Crookwat's (Gene Hackman) 6th 10.) Find the time to finish con- the entire US Army. After guage that may be Cavalry Headquarters. structing my death ray. protesting the government policy of offensive to some Along their journey, Davis grows 11.) Pinky and the Brain finally herding Native Americans onto res- readers. to respect the worldly-wise, medita- take over the world. ervations, the Apache warrior ulti- tive Gatewood, who shares his 12.) The decriminalization of mately surrendered and lived in I've still got reindeer meat in my knowledge of and admiration for marijuana. forced exile in Florida, where he freezer from last year, and what Native American culture. 13.) Full frontal nudity on network ended his days selling souvenir ar- the fuck! It's that time of year Amidst the shimmering heat of the television. rows to tourists. again. I just took down the traps desert, Geronimo (Wes Studi) ap- Any and all gifts and tributes to Such history has all the ingredients off my roof from last December. I pears like a mirage, riding a white me can be dropped off at the Re- of an epic movie.