PAGE 6 Wht mttvizUv DRCRMRRR 14. 1993 FEATURES From True Romance To Anlndecent Proposal: Don Juan Stops At The Cinematic Year In Review Teddy Durgin tive that not all "Saturday Night Live" UMBC On His Way Retriever Staff Writer sketches should be made into feature films. 3) Guilty As Sin... only if you saw this Don Johnson clunker. 4) Home From The War Another year has come and gone, and Hollywood still hasn't come up Made in America. Whoopi and Ted may have enjoyed it, but find some- of those places where the very fabric with an answer to the question: Who Kelley Slagle one else who did. 5) Son-In-Law. Hell Retriever Editorial Staff of society has been destroyed. the Hell keeps green-lighting all "So Don Juan comes, and because those Ernest films? Oh, well. Tis is a place that shows Pauly Shore films 24 hours a day for eons and he is a blank, women can see [in him] the season for recaps and end-of-the- One man. whatever they've lost or whatever year reviews. eons. One more good reason to seek God. Twenty-nine women. they need to help them survive. The One play. reverse is that Don Juan does not see FIVE MOVIES MORE PEOPLE in them what he's looking for so SHOULD HAVE SEEN: 1) Baroka, FIVE BEST UNSUNG PERFOR- MANCES: 1) Robert Downey Jr. in "He's been portrayed as a real dis- eventually he abandons all of them the year's best head-trip. 2) Matinee. sipated lover, he's been portrayed as and goes in search for the love he had One of the best movies John Heart and Souls. Other young actors an idealist. He's been portrayed as a before the war that he abandoned. Goodman has ever done. Too bad it may get more press, but Downey has hero, he's been portrayed as a vil- The ironic thing is that she's dead, came out in January. 3) Menace II the stuff to be a major star. As a man lain," Alan Kreizenbeck, director of and when he finds this out the next Society. The Hughes brothers did who gets possessed by no less than UMBC's latest offering, Don Juan thing is that he has to die." Singleton one better. This year's Boyz four guardian angels, he was superb. Comes Back From the War, says of Dan Garrett's portrayal of Don N' The Hood. 4) The Piano. As a 2) Jeff Goldblum as the chaos-theory- its main character. Juan was chilling and sympathetic. music-loving mute, Holly Hunter hit pushing mathematician in Jurassic But the writer of the play, Odon He was able to master his character's all the right notes. 5) True Romance. Park. In a movie where the dinosaur von Horvath, decided to pick Don coldness and distance, and delivered Brad Pitt smokin' dope from a honey stars overwhelmed the human stars, Juan the idealist. "But [he] is also the sometimes snappy, hard and hon- bottle ... how could you resist? Goldblum stood tall, chomping more scenery than the T-Rex. 3) Frank very corrupt," Kreizenbeck points est lines of Don Juan with ease. At out. "Don Juan succeeds because he one point in the play, he tells a FIVE MOVIES TOO MANY Langella as the evil White House doesn't really care. And Don Juan for woman that he would not want to be PEOPLE HAVE SEEN: 1) Ernest chief of staff in Dave. I'd kill to have Rides Again. If it made $1, it made this guy's voice. 4) John Leguizamo von Horvath is kind of a blank sheet with her because he finds her repul- too much. 2) The Firm. How could as Benny, the wannabe gangster who of paper that women can write what- sive. 16 million people pay to root for a steals the big blow away from Pacino ever they want to on." Garrett was not passionate as one yuppie lawyer? 3) Indecent Proposal. in Carlito's Way. 5) Mary Stuart The studio production (the cast and would think a person like Don Juan Courtesy of Warner Brothers This latest Demi Moore tease-fest Masterson in Benny and Joon. One design teams were made up of only might be. "He's not a cad, he's not a Christian Slater, who starred in "True Romance", will was supposed to get audiences hot of Hollywood's most under-rated tal- students), which ran last week, told rapist, he doesn't sleep with every- and bothered. But the only reason I ents, she continues to turn in good appear next in Anne Rice's "Interview With a Vampire." the old legend of Don Juan, the infa- one ..." Kreizenbeck points out. And reached into my pocket was to see work. mous seducer, but was set in post when Don Juan did let emotion en- Ruby in Paradise. The closest it how much money I lost on this tur- Ashley, Sadie Frost, or Polly Walker World War I Germany. Upon return- ter his demeanor, such as when he played around here was at the Key key. 4) Jurassic Park. A great adven- MOST DISTURBING TREND: get some of the costume drama lime- ing from being a soldier, Don Juan finally succumbs to death at the end, Theater in Georgetown, but it was ture film, awesome special effects, The use of music from previously light. encounters and engages a number of Garrett responded appropriately. but $1 billion worldwide? 5) Mrs. released movies to promote new worth the drive to see this star in the women. Among the nine women who por- Doubtfire. Robin Williams is a bet- films in TV commercials, such as: making. Watch for her in Oliver BEST TRAILER: The preview to Meanwhile, these women are la- trayed the myriad of characters, a feat ter man as a man than he ever was a James Homer's theme from Willow Stone's thriller Natural Born Killers, Clint Eastwood's In The Line of Fire, menting the losses of their loves in to be praised itself, there were some man as a woman. You know what I (1988) for The Three Musketeers ad; due out next June. with the spinning six in 1963 turning battle, and are trying to endure the shining stars, even though all of the mean? Horner's Aliens music to promote into a nine in 1993, and ending with hard life of a post-war country. women roles in the play were well- Needful Things; and Danny Elfman's LEAST ANSWERED QUES- Clint scowling, "That's not gonna "He's something for them to hold executed. But admittedly, I wasn't FIVE MOVIES NOBODY score from Edward Scissorshands to TION: Since when did Winona happen," was brilliant. It garnered on to," Kreizenbeck explains. able to always figure out who did SHOULD HAVE SEEN: 1) Another advertise The Secret Garden. Ryder become the foremost period more audience response than any "They've lost, the society's de- what (the program is very vague, but Stakeout. A sad sequel that took six actress of our generation? First Bram trailer I have ever seen. stroyed, and there's gunfights in the I will do my best to put the character years to make, and about six seconds BEST PERFORMANCE BY A Stoker's Dracula, and now The Age streets between political parties com- with the name.) First, praise goes to SEE RECAP, PAGE 7 to forget. 2) Coneheads. Proof posi- NEWCOMER: Ashley Judd in of Innocence. Step aside and let parable to Somalia or Bosnia or any SEE DON JUAN, PAGE 8 Happy Holidays Geronimo Leads Audience on the Borepath nal inhabitants, receive allotted plots David Dobrow Retriever Staff Writer of land where they are encouraged From The Pits of Hell to settle down and grow corn in the rocky soil. Master, who will teach me the For eighteen months in 1885 and Ken Marseilles Davis, along with Lieutenant ways of the dark side of the force. 86 in the American Southwest, Musical Satan Gatewood (Jason Patric) are assigned 9.) Have a heart-to-heart with Jack Geronimo and his band of 35 ren- to find Geronimo and escort him to Kervorkian and swap stories over egade Apaches evaded and fought off Editor's Note: This Bridgadier General Natan a steaming flagon of mead. over 5000 cavalry soldiers — half of article contains lan- Crookwat's (Gene Hackman) 6th 10.) Find the time to finish con- the entire US Army. After guage that may be Cavalry Headquarters. structing my death ray. protesting the government policy of offensive to some Along their journey, Davis grows 11.) Pinky and the Brain finally herding Native Americans onto res- readers. to respect the worldly-wise, medita- take over the world. ervations, the Apache warrior ulti- tive Gatewood, who shares his 12.) The decriminalization of mately surrendered and lived in I've still got reindeer meat in my knowledge of and admiration for marijuana. forced exile in Florida, where he freezer from last year, and what Native American culture. 13.) Full frontal nudity on network ended his days selling souvenir ar- the fuck! It's that time of year Amidst the shimmering heat of the television. rows to tourists. again. I just took down the traps desert, Geronimo (Wes Studi) ap- Any and all gifts and tributes to Such history has all the ingredients off my roof from last December. I pears like a mirage, riding a white me can be dropped off at the Re- of an epic movie. But no one involved go to the mall to pick up on Santa's horse, and accepts the conditions of triever office during normal busi- in Geronimo would know how to prepubescent elves, and I gotta his surrender. ness hours. Anything illegal may make an epic if one ran them over. push my way through hordes of Faced with a common threat — a be given to me personally, as long Despite glorious cinematography, the screaming, uncleansed bloodthirsty Tombstone posse who as I can explode, swallow, plant, film can't mask its fundamental de- subhumans! Hey, I got an agenda! wants to lynch Geronimo for the inject, or stash it readily. And kids, ficiency on the acting, directing and I'm spreading the fucking spirit of murder of white settlers, Geronimo please, no entrails -1 have plenty. screenwriting level. the season! Get the fuck outta my and Gatewood bond on their journey I need new socks and a nice skiing The film commences with way, or someone's gonna get their back. cap. Geronimo's initial surrender to the hall decked with boughs of Satan! However, any hope of friendship US Army, 6th Cavalry. As narrator, or trust vanishes when a detachment Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus freshfaced Lieutenant Davis (Matt My Damn Wish List For 1994 of soldiers shoot a medicine man in In this time of Yule Tide joy, I'd Damon) acts as our guide as he gains 1.) All-consuming power over all the heat of the moment, sparking like to reflect for a moment on the first-hand experience of the situation living things shall be given to me. Geronimo to disavow his voluntary mighty contribution that Jesus of in the American Southwest. 2.) The girl from the Aerosmith surrender and lead his warriors on a Nazareth has made to modern mu- Justified by a faith in Manifest video will become my loyal sex rampage across the American South- sic. Yes, I know I'm technically on Destiny, the federal government, slave. west and Mexico. the opposite end of the political through the U.S. Army, lays claim to 3.) Gerry Garcia's missing finger After the resultant slaughter of spectrum, but hey, if Willem Dafoe all Western territory — the mesas, on a nice velvet rope, so I can wear white settlers, the army pursues an played him in a movie, well then, plains and deserts stretching far as the Courtesy of Columbia Pictures it proudly, because that's the fin- he's just gotta be a cool guy. ger in which all his talent lies. eye can see. In exchange, the dispos- Wes Studi stars as Geronimo in "Geronimo: An American 1.) The Jesus and Mary Chain - sessed Native Americans, the origi- SEE GERONIMO, PAGE 7 4.) California to be consumed by I can't remember any names of any Legend", a Columbia Pictures release hell-fire and fall off into the sea. of their songs, but I saw them at 5.) Robert Smith, Gibby Hanes, Lollapalooza 2. David Lynch, and David Yow shall 2.) Liquid Jesus - Sounds like a A Look At The Ghosts Of Retrievers Past be cannonized as saints in the lotion or a cream. I can see the last one has been, we even question we leave our readers with no new Mike Clark he "shouldn't get in a church which I myself shall found, Shannon Blankenship slogan now . . . "wipe away that ourselves. We can't step down and gems of wisdom or sage advice. In- pissing contest with a man who or- and will eventually become as big Pam Hawley nasty stigmata!" pass our editorial trials and tribula- stead, we give you a look back some ders piss by the barrel." as Scientology. Kelley Slagle 3.) Jesus Jones - I'm "The Devil tions on to the next generation of of our best and worst moments. Make But it is the written word that re- 6.) Using my all-consuming Retriever Editorial Staff You Know." of them what you will, for they are ally lives on forever. And over the last power, I shall make Barney sacri- suckers-for-punishment without 4.) Jesus Chrust - Never heard what made it all worthwhile to us. few years, Retriever articles, editori- fice a six-year-old on live TV, then looking back at some of The 'em, but I've heard of 'em. When you're an editor at The Re- Retriever's shining moments. als and letters to the editor have im- dress up in black leather S&M 5.)- Mosh, Jesus, Mosh - A band triever, you get used to your friends It is these sometimes insightful and The Inside Story mortalized several unforgettable gear and whip the living shit out I was in in high school. calling you a masochist. You quickly almost always hilarious moments that Every once in a while, someone phrases and quotations. Here are just of Baby Bop, who enjoys it just a 6.) Creaming Jesus - No, I'm not realize that your roommates, family remind us what we were here for. It says something that will never be for- a few. little too much. kidding. They're on Jungle and significant others will never un- hasn't always been fun, but putting gotten. Take, for example, when ex- 7.) Soft, chewable, tasty "valium Records. derstand why you voluntarily suffer together The Retriever has given us features editor Teddy Durgin, in fit • "I am actually beginning to imag- gum" will make a big splash with 7.) MC900FT Jesus - Has been, through neverending deadlines, hate many priceless glimpses at life. And of frustration over the UMS budget ine that The Retriever is being admin- preteens all across the country. nope, never was. mail and paychecks that average out these experiences have made it cuts, called Chancellor Langenberg istered by totalitarian personalities 8.) If I don't get #1, at least I'd a "dumb old stupid head." Or when to about $2 an hour. worthwhile. who free-lance despotically and dis- like to hang with the evil Jedi SEE FREAK, PAGE 7 Sometimes, especially after a se- So here it is, our final issue in our University Center Director George mester as controversy-ridden as this editorial posts. And as we step down, Preisinger told General Manager SEE LAST WORDS, PAGE 10