Child Psychological Maltreatment And

Adverse Childhood Experiences, Child Psychological Maltreatment and Narcissistic and/or Borderline Parents

Introduction…………………………………………………………………..…………………..3

It’s Not About the Children………………………………………………..……………………5 Childhood Trauma and Toxic Stress………………………………...………………………..7

Relationships, Resiliency, Recovery………………………..………………………………… 8

ACEs Predict Negative Health Outcomes…………………………….…….……………..…9

Narcissistic (borderline) Parents And Maladaptive Family Functioning…………..……..11

Narcissistic (borderline) Parents And ACEs………………………………………….... ….12

Narcissistic (borderline) Parents And Child Psychological (emotional) Maltreatment……..…………...………………………………………………………………..17

Three Clinical Indicators of Child Psychological Maltreatment……………………..…….19

Second Chance………………………..………………………………………………………23

Managing Severe Child Psychological Maltreatment Cases…………………..…….……26

References, Resources, and Resiliency……………….………………….. ………………..29

The National Alliance For Targeted Parents………………………………………………..32

2 Introduction

America is in grave distress. Child psychological maltreatment (emotional abuse and neglect) is by far the most prevalent and damaging type of child abuse; yet it is the least likely to be reported, investigated, or stopped (Spinazzolla, 2014), by law enforcement, family courts, child protective services, or mandatory reporters like mental health providers. Psychological maltreatment typically co-occurs with physical and sexual abuse but is a formidable type of child abuse and neglect on it’s own affecting significantly more children than is realized by government reporting. The evidence of this crisis is seen not only in the abundant scientific literature, but also in the explosion of resources to help the growing number of adult children of narcissistic (NPD) and/or borderline (BPD) parents suffering from complex, developmental trauma of psychological maltreatment.

Psychological maltreatment constitutes a disruption in the parent-child attachment. This primary survival system creates a unique “bond” between a child and parent, which is intended to provide the child with the necessary emotional nurturance, attunement, and responsiveness a child needs to develop critical attributes for a healthy, meaningful life such as emotion regulation, self-acceptance, self-esteem, autonomy, and self- sufficiency. However, a narcissistic (borderline) parents lack interpersonal empathy to care for or about the emotional needs of their children. In addition, an NPD and/or BPD parents are self-absorbed and need to manipulate and control others to meet their emotional needs. Their preoccupation with themselves thwarts a child’s sense of safety and consistency and derails normal psychological development.

Science, health, law, and other child protection professionals have known for decades that parents with narcissistic and/or borderline personality disorders severely maltreat their children, but they appear baffled about how to recognize these parents and what to do about child psychological maltreatment. “Child abuse and neglect have been understood for decades as major etiological sources of aberrant behavior. It is perplexing that these well-described phenomena are buried in the in the back of DSM- 3 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 IV and DSM-5” (Kaplan, S., 2014). It even more baffling that given the stark reality that that child psychological abuse and neglect is causing far reaching, cumulative devastation in our country, the passionate and desperate efforts by the healthy ex- partners’ of narcissistic (borderline) abusers to intervene and protect their children are thwarted by authorities..

One problem is that a NPD and BPD parent is almost indistinguishable from the other healthy parent in public. NPD and BPD parents have been able to thrive in plain sight of authorities and laypeople because they can mimic socially and emotionally appropriate responses and the wounds they inflict are not visible. Many NPD people are actually admired in our capitalist economy for the ruthlessness by which they bully and manipulate their way into positions of power and control. NPD parents use the same ruthlessness to bully, manipulate and control their own children.

For over 30 years, the healthy (ex) partners of narcissistic (borderline) parents have been fighting to rescue their children from the psychologically abusive parent, despite being “targeted” by the abuser to be erased from the family. In addition, “targeted” parents have been re-victimized by the staggering lack of support from law enforcement, mental health, child protective services, and family court. Targeted parents suffer complex trauma from years of savage abuse by their ex-partners and the legal system and unresolved interpersonal grief. Family and child authorities consistently overlook the narcissistic (borderline) parent’s abusive and lawless nature and place children in their toxic homes. Targeted parents usually lose their children physically and emotionally to the abuser, along with their economic stability, their integrity, and their mental and physical health from relentless trauma (Harman, J., Biringen, Z., chapter 7).

This special report from the National Alliance for Targeted Parents describes the components of an evidence- based intervention and recovery program to save children from severe child psychological maltreatment by their narcissistic (borderline) parent. It’s Not About The Children It’s About Who Raises Them

4 Twenty years ago, the CDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study), proved that the quality of the relationships that a child has with his or her primary caregivers/parents has a direct impact on the quality of that child’s mental, physical, and relational health throughout life. Comprehensive research validated that certain common adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) derail a child’s development, predict lifelong physical and mental health problems, and is transmitted to the next generation.

The CDC-Kaiser study cited the ten most prevalent and damaging adverse childhood experiences. These experiences included but were not limited to; child psychological maltreatment (emotional abuse and neglect), witnessing domestic violence, divorce, substance abuse, and incarceration or criminal activity. More importantly the experiences that cause children enduring emotional distress fall into clusters, highlighting the existence of underlying pathogenic parenting.

Children who are psychologically maltreated by a narcissistic (NPD) and/or borderline (BPD) personality disordered parent are exposed to 8+ out of ten adverse childhood experiences, making them some of the most severely maltreated children in the world. Yet, no child rescue or recovery protocols have been adopted by child protection agencies to intervene is cases of severe psychological maltreatment. Therefore, America has abandoned millions of children with no hope of escaping the macabre dance between nature and nurture of child psychological maltreatment.

This DOESN'T mean that every child who has some type of problem comes from a “bad” home or has a “bad” parent. But knowing that a child reaps what their parent sews changes how we see, care for, and help vulnerable children. Instead of focusing on the children as the source of the problem by asking, “What is wrong with YOU?” The scientific knowledge about ACEs by pathogenic parenting directs us to ask children, “What happened to you?”

5 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 The scientific knowledge about ACEs is shifting the paradigm on how we help troubled children by putting the focus on the origin of the problem, not on the child.

ACEs are NOT about parents who reinforce appropriate family rules and boundaries (healthy family functioning) and occasionally lose their temper. The normal range for parent-child behaviors is quite broad. Children are resilient and forgiving of a wide range of adversities even poor parenting, when they know that they loved and cared for by a consistent and reliable parent. ACEs are also not short-term events or problems that a family may struggle with like interrupted job security or when a child’s focus changes from learning in elementary school to the opposite sex in middle school. Simply put, ACEs are not situational or temporary anymore than a child’s parents are situational or temporary. ACEs are prolonged emotionally distressing parent- child interactions that disrupt healthy child development and leave lifelong unseen wounds.

Childhood Trauma and Toxic Stress

Childhood trauma in the broadest sense is an experience that is so emotionally distressing that it leaves a negative imprint on a child’s life. When children become overwhelmed with distress, their brains activate a surge of energy and alertness

6 boosters called stress hormones. These stress hormones optimize the body’s defense reactions for protection. In other words, fear prepares children (and adults) for fighting or fleeing (flight) from potentially harmful situations or people by releasing powerful stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Once the danger has passed, a child’s emotional regulation system should calm him or her down and eliminate the stress hormones from their body. Unfortunately, most children cannot regulate this level of emotion without the help of a trusted adult. When the “trusted” adult is both the source of the trauma and the person who should be helping the child to regulate distressing emotions, the trauma is never resolved and the high levels of stress hormones in their body become toxic. This is called traumatic or toxic stress. Toxic stress is physically, mentally and relationally harmful especially on vulnerable developing systems in children.

Most people relate traumatic or toxic stress with combat veterans and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Indeed, traumatic or toxic stress has the same neurochemical and physiologic affects on children in abusive homes as it does on soldiers in combat. When we consider that trained soldiers can become completely disabled by the toxic stress of combat, it gives a clear picture of the severity of what toxic stress from childhood adverse experiences can have on children. The truth is that abusive and neglectful parents who cause chronic, toxic stress in their children are physically, mentally, and relationally more harmful to them than combat is to adults. And while our country boasts of nationwide campaigns to help victims of toxic stress, like combat veterans and those who experience natural disasters; America ignores millions of her abused and neglected children.

Relationships, Resiliency, and Recovery

There is an undeniable connection between relationships, resiliency, and recovery from toxic stress. Most combat soldiers have secure and trusted relationships with their comrades, giving them the personal strength to overcome the toxic stress of combat. Soldiers bond and support each other; they listen, validate, and comfort each other.

7 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 These trusted relationships provide soldiers with resiliency, which is the ability to regulate their emotions and reduce the toxic stress preventing long term, psychological harm like posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In his recently acclaimed book, The Body Keeps Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk summarizes how secure and safe relationships impact resiliency and recovery. “When we are terrified, nothing calms us down like the reassuring voice or the firm embrace of someone we trust. …assurance that somebody bigger and stronger is taking care of things…” (van der Kolk, 2014, p. 212).

Children are hardwired to attach or bond to their parents because this relationship provides physical and emotional safety and security, including resiliency from trauma. Even when children experience toxic stress, their stress hormone levels can return to normal if they feel physically and emotionally safe through secure relationships with at least one parent. An extremely ominous problem exists with abused and neglected children when the parent who they rely on for reassurance and emotional regulation is the person who is causing their toxic stress. This places children in an inescapable trap. Children can and do develop posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but a decisively more accurate descriptor is that they develop posttraumatic stress INJURY from a parent. Sadly, the number of veterans coming home from war with combat related PTSD is relative small compared to number children who “come home” to a parent who is the source of their toxic stress.

ACEs Predict Negative Health Outcomes

8 ACEs fall into clusters, which suggest some type of underlying parental pathology. This pathology negatively influences all family interactions and distorts healthy functioning. Therefore, abused and neglected children suffer a cascade of life altering experiences without the resiliency of a healthy parent to help them recover from one adverse childhood experience before they are exposed to others.

ACEs have a dose response relationship with health outcomes. This correlation links the number of ACEs (the dose or ACE score) and the overall effect (the response/toxicity) on a child’s life. The ACE study found that the greater the number of adverse conditions that children have before they turn 18, the more severe mental, physical, and relational problems they will have after they are 18. The following table summarizes the direct cumulative effects of exposure to ACEs.

Children with ACE Scores Are Linked To Escalating Health Problems  Hepatitis 2.5 X, COPD 3. 5 X 3  Depression 4.5 X, Suicide 12 X 4  20 Year Reduction in Life Span  Sexual Promiscuity (50+ partners) 5  Adolescent Pregnancy 53% increase

 5000% Increased Rate of Suicide

 4600% increase in injectable drug use 6  Lung Cancer 3.5 X

 Ischemic Heart Disease 3.5 X 7 – 8+ All of the above and more

These horrific correlations spurred the onset of extensive research into detailed mapping of these pathological pathways. The common denominator was found to be toxic stress caused by abusive and neglectful parents. Psychological abuse and neglect by a narcissistic/borderline personality parents is a formidable type of abuse. It has been found to be at least as damaging than sexual and/or physical abuse. toxically stressful home not only compromises the physical health of children but has an equally ghastly impact on children’s mental and relational 9 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 health. In fact, psychologically abused and neglected children are at the highest risk for depression, GAD, SAD, relational insecurity, attachment problems and negative self-perceptions. Psychological abuse and neglect also predict behavioral problems, self-injury, and criminal activity better than physical and/or sexual abuse (Spinazzolla, 2014).

NO ONE GETS A SECOND CHANCE FOR A HEALTHY CHILDHOOD

10 Narcissistic (borderline) Parents And Maladaptive Family Functioning

Narcissistic and borderline personality disorders are categorized separately but they often co-occur and they share relationally destructive traits. Regardless of the diagnosis, or even if there is not a “diagnosis”, it is not safe for children to be alone with these parents for any significant amount of time; or at least not until the targeted parent and children know how to protect themselves from psychological maltreatment.

Psychologically abusive narcissistic (borderline) parents were raised by at least one parent with the same virulent pathology. The disorder was transferred genetically (nature) and environmentally (nurture) to the NPD and/or BPD parent as a child and it coalesced into the personality disorder around adolescence. Currently, there are at least 23 million narcissistic (borderline) men and women in the U.S (Grant et al. 2008) , NPD (Stinson et al. 2008) and the percentage is growing. It is likely that this number is actually much higher because narcissistic/borderline men and women are indistinguishable from other adults, other than their partner or ex-partner, and they themselves don’t recognize their own serious mental illness. Not all NPD and/or BPD men or women marry and have children, but the statistics suggest that the majority do.

Families in which one parent has an untreated NPD and/or BPD is a large and growing population of severely dysfunctional families. Recent research suggests that there are as many as 22 million families in this population struggling with narcissistic and/or borderline abuse . Some of these families are intact, but a very large number are engaged in long term, high conflict divorce and custody cases.

According to reports of Childhood Adversities and Adult Psychopathology in the WHO World Mental Health Surveys, “Childhood adversities were highly prevalent and interrelated. Childhood adversities associated with maladaptive family functioning (e.g. parental mental illness, child abuse, neglect) were the strongest predictors of disorders” (Kessler, R.C. et al., p. 387).

A parent with narcissistic (borderline) personality disorder is first and foremost a psychologically abusive and neglectful parent. He or she emotionally abuses and neglects their (ex) partner and children without remorse or guilt because they have a profound lack of empathy for others. In addition, these parents have a full constellation of relationally abusive traits that account for the other ACEs in the cluster of childhood adversities.

Children who live with a parent who has NPD and/or BPD are chronically exposed to 8+ out of the 10 most adverse childhood experiences.

The following are more examples of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) in families where one parent has NPD and/or BPD.

1. Psychological/Emotional Abuse AND 2. Neglect

12 NPD and/or BPD parents are by the nature of their disorders interpersonally abusive and neglectful. They are adept at manipulating and controlling members of their families. In the book, Intrusive Parenting: How Psychological Control Affects Children and Adolescents, published by the American Psychological Association, Brian Barber et al., define psychological control of children by a parent: “The central elements of psychological control are intrusion into the child’s psychological world and self-definition and parental attempts to manipulate the child’s thoughts and feelings through invoking guilt, shame, and anxiety. Psychological control is distinguished from behavioral control in that the parent attempts to control, through the use of criticism, dominance, and anxiety or guilt induction, the youth’s thoughts and feelings rather than the youth’s behavior.” (Stone, Buehler, and Barber, p. 57)

3. Witness Domestic Violence/ High Conflict Divorce …“psychological control used by parents … is linked to inter-parental conflict, particularly covert conflict. Higher levels of covert conflict in the marital relationship heighten the likelihood that parents would use psychological control with their children. This might be because both parental psychological control and covert conflict are anxiety-driven. They share defining characteristics of intrusiveness, indirectness, and manipulation.” (Stone, Buehler, and Barber, 2002, p. 86).

3. Loss of Attachments to Family Due to their primary fear of abandonment, NPD and/or BPD parents are threatened by other relationships in the family. From very early on, these abusive parents psychologically manipulate the relationships between siblings and between the children and the targeted parent. In some families the children are pitted against each other, aggressively competing for the abuser’s attention so they won’t be cut out of a relationship with that parent. In other families, the older children psychologically groom the younger children into the cross generational coalition against the other parent. “A cross-generational coalition of a parent with a child against the other parent is always pathological” (Childress, C.A. 2015 p. 13) .

4. Loss of Resiliency A safe, secure and emotionally responsive relationship with a parent is the most important element in raising a child. A child’s relationship with a supportive adult is his or her defense against an intrusive and controlling parent. Shortly after the couple’s divorce, the narcissistic (borderline) parent escalates the abuse and aggressively 13 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 isolates the children from the targeted parent. During the time that the children do not have contact with the targeted parent, the abuser psychologically exploits their thoughts, emotional needs, and behaviors so that they will suppress their attachment and enmesh with the abuser against the targeted parent. Ensuring that their children are allies against the other parent stabilizes the NPD and/or BPD parent’s anxiety related to the divorce. “The volatile emotionality and intense anger of the narcissistic/borderline personality motivates the child to act and respond in ways that maintain the stability of the parent’s emotional and psychological state. This type of relationship, in which the child is used as a ‘regulatory object’ for the parent represents a role-reversal relationship in which the child is meeting the needs of the parent” (Childress, C.A. 2015 p. 13) .

5. Criminal Activity NPD and/or BPD parents do not follow the law or court orders unless they furthers the abuser’s agenda of disrupting the children’s relationship and attachment to their healthy parent. “The narcissistic parent’s fundamental disregard for authority and the rights of others will lead to frequent violations of Court orders for custody and visitation, which will require that the other parent repeatedly return to Court to seek enforcement of prior court orders” (Childress, 2016 p19).

These parents also pressure their children not to respect authority. Because Family Courts do not enforce their orders, abusers and their children are validated in believing that they are above the law. These abusers coerce their children to lie and exaggerate in court even to the point of falsely accusing the targeted parent of abuse.

According to the publication from the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court

Judges (NCJFCJ), A Judicial Guide to Child Safety in Custody & Visitation Cases,

“Abusive parents generally have carefully manufactured a situation that facilitates and, in their minds, justifies their behavior. When the justice system fails to hold abusive parents accountable, especially when their behavior has been revealed to the court, it reinforces their belief that there are no real consequences for their actions. Because the abusive parent now sees the court as a collusive partner, he or she may have no reason to think that the court will hold him or her accountable to obey any of its orders. This result puts both the child and the at-risk parent in an extremely dangerous position

(p. 35).

Based purely on mind and brain developmental patterns, children of any age are not credible witnesses in family court and in fact it is harmful for children who have been psychologically abused and neglected by a parent to be given a “voice” in legal decisions regarding the family. These children do not realize that they are acting in the best interest of the abuser ONLY, not voicing their own opinions in family court. Their distorted feelings of superiority and entitlement along with their pathological delusions that the targeted parent is abusive or dangerous are reinforced and validated when he or she is given such tremendous power over the targeted parent by the courts.

6. Substance Abuse Substance abuse often co-occurs with NPD and/or BPD parents. However, more concerning is that psychological (emotional) abuse is the strongest predictor of substance abuse (Spinazzolla, 2014). The question has been raised as to whether psychologically abused and neglected children seek drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms to deal with their chaotic inner turmoil. Also, current research hypothesizes that other mental illnesses such as, Opposition Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Attention Deficient Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) may actually be symptoms of psychological trauma rather than stand-alone diagnoses.

7. Tamper Resistant Many psychologically abused and neglected children will resist ever seeking help for the problems that arise during their life and thus continue the NPD and?or BPD abusive cycle. This is because the abuser makes his or her children “tamper resistant.” As their children grow up, they are exposed to the abusive parent’s mocking and chiding about professional mental health. He or she coerces and terrifies the children into agreeing that professional mental healthy is for crazy people, not his or her family. Children are taught NOT to ever seek professional help because “there is nothing wrong with them” and that “all those people,” (referring to court recommendations for therapy) “are all quacks and are a waste of time and money.”

There is a plethora of literature detailing the extent of harm narcissistic (borderline) parents cause their children. However, authorities struggle trying to “catch” a manipulating and coercive parent in “the act” of psychologically abusing their children. The American Psychological Association Textbook on Personality Disorders describes some of the behaviors and attitudes that NPD and/or BPD parents present which are intrusive and controlling. NPD and/or BPD parents… 1. escalate conflict. 2. possessively bind children to themselves. 3. demand absolute control of children while threatening rejection. 4. parentifies their children. 5. abandon their spouses in favor of a child and reenacts attachment trauma.

Although it is possible to show that a parent has a fixed pattern of narcissistic and borderline traits, an easier and more exacting method of identifying narcissistic (borderline) parents is by their predictable wake of destruction as seen in their children.

The narcissistic/borderline environment constitutes severe Child psychological maltreatment Confirmed by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, edition 5, 2013. “Child psychological maltreatment is non-accidental verbal or symbolic acts by a child’s parent or caregiver that result, or have reasonable potential to result in significant psychological harm to the child” (p. 719, DSM-5 V995.51, 2013). In addition, states have mandatory reporting standards for emotional, mental, and/or psychological harm. Strict compliance to state and federal laws are such that ALL mandatory child abuse reporters, including mental health, legal and school personnel can be held accountable.

State statutes make it illegal for a parent to psychologically maltreat their children. If a parent is emotionally abusing and/or neglecting his or her children the children will exhibit one or more of the following characteristics to a severe degree: anxiety, 17 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 depression, withdrawal, or outward aggressive behavior. Another way of stating this is that psychological maltreatment will result in substantial and observable changes in behavior, emotional responses or cognition that is not within the normal range for the child’s age and stage of development.

This unassuming definition is clear, concise and precise. Yet, nearly all of mental health and legal providers who see families where a child is so severely psychologically maltreated that he or she rejects their emotionally available parent (i.e. substantial and observable change in behavior, emotional response), and they misdiagnose the problem. Even when the targeted parent provides undeniable evidence that the children are being psychologically maltreated to reject them, mental health professionals are inclined to ignore the scientific evidence and try to justify the children’s separating out the symptoms of child psychological maltreatment like anxiety, withdrawal and aggression while missing the big, abusive picture. Indeed, these uninformed mental health professionals will misdiagnose these children with ADHD and recommend psychotropic medications while never addressing the fundamental issue of child psychological abuse.

Three Clinical Indicators of Severe Child Psychological Maltreatment

18 When mental health and legal professionals miss the painfully obvious signs of severe child psychological maltreatment they directly contribute to this type of child abuse. Mandatory reporters are negligent in their “duty to protect” when a child presents with the following three substantial, observable, and highly definitive changes or clinical indicators and does not report the abuse ( Childress, 2015 ).

1. An abrupt and complete suppression of a child’s normal, healthy attachment to one parent. The child will publically display distain and/or contempt for this “targeted” parent. As this condition worsens a child will treat the targeted parent more and more harshly, with less and less remorse or empathy.

Early in the family’s history, the child felt attached and cared for by both parents. Even though the mentally ill parent could not connect emotionally with the child, his or her healthy attachment to the other parent allowed the child to develop normally.

For reasons too complex to discuss here, partners or parents with narcissistic and/or borderline personality disorder, thrive on escalating conflict. These individuals lie, exaggerate problems, and blame others driving wedges between family members. They don’t communicate directly, but instead plant seeds of suspicion and contempt in the minds of one family member against another. The happy home quickly disintegrates and a horrific separation and divorce battle begins.

Once the abusive parent has the children alone, he or she begins to apply subtle but constant pressure to make the children question their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the other parent. Under relentless coercion and manipulation the children start to think that the targeted parent is a danger or threat to their survival (trauma). In order to cope with the extreme demand from the abusive parent to choose between parents, the children suppress their natural healthy attachment to the targeted parent.

Forcing a child to “choose” to love and care for only one of their two parents is simply evil. The child must suppress their love, respect, attraction, emotional needs, positive thoughts and good memories of their healthy parent. When the child internalizes these

19 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 negative feelings it affects their perception of themselves and their relationships with others around them, derailing their emotional, cognitive, and personality development. Suppression of attachment to a healthy, loving parent is so far outside the normal range at any stage of development that it is contrary to the child’s primary motivation for survival. It is impossible to imagine how much these children suffer that would force them to take such drastic measures to cope with the demands of one parent.

Example: About 6 months after my divorce was final and the children were spending 50 percent of their time in each home, my 10-year-old son came back from his father’s, crying. He said to me, “I’m so confused mom, dad says that you lie all the time.”

Rather than get angry at his father, my heart went out to him. We sat down and I asked him to tell me when he could remember a time that I had ever lied to him. I watched his contorted; tear stained face start to relax when he realized that what his father was saying wasn’t true. He smiled and hugged me, relieved to know that I was still the same mom that he always had.

At the time, I thought that I would be able to combat his father’s campaign of control by keeping open communication with my son. However, the next time he came back from his father’s his negative emotions toward me were so chaotic and caustic that I couldn’t reconnect with him. He was angry, belligerent, hyper aroused, frustrated and confused.

2. Children imitate the abusive parent’s patterns of narcissistic/borderline personality traits, such as superiority and entitlement.

This drastic change in a child’s behaviors, emotional responses and cognition, is completely abnormal for any age or state of development. Thankfully, the child does not have a personality disorder or the disorder traits themselves, but a child learns what he or she lives and they begin to imitate the abusive parent’s language, behaviors, and attitudes. Psychologically abusive parents treat the child as if they are above the targeted parent in the family hierarchy. They are encouraged to think that they have the right to judge and punish the targeted parent. They use language that is not within the norm for any age or stage of development. In particular, children start to use

20 dramatic and attention getting words such as “abusive” and “forced” when describing the relationship with the targeted parent.

The psychologically abusive parent also creates an insecure attachment with their children. The children believe that they will lose both parents, if they do not adopt the hateful and denigrating attitudes and feelings that the abusive parent has for the targeted parent.

Example: I told my son that his dog missed him when he was gone. He immediately turned hostile and said that he didn’t have a dog, or a sister, or a mother. Then he began telling me how I had failed the family. He said ” You should have stayed in the marriage and just taken what dad dished out. It wasn’t that bad, it’s not like he abused you, he never hit you!” Then he started blaming me for his father’s affairs and also blamed me for the fact that his father’s girlfriend had broken off his most recent relationship. My son vowed that if I “forced” him to follow placement he would make me cry everyday, because he would never stop hating me. He ended the confrontation by snarling, “I wish you would die so I could spit on your grave.”

3. Children share the abusive parent’s delusion that the targeted parent is all bad and dangerous. They begin to fear the targeted parent and resist contact.

Fear of a targeted parent is indicative of a 180-degree shift in a child’s behaviors and emotional response to their healthy and loving parent. This is completely abnormal for any age or stage of development.

Children are ambivalent towards their parents. They like and dislike things about both parents at different times. They even favor a parent at times. However, even when children temporarily favor one parent over the other, that doesn’t cause them to fear, hate and/or reject the targeted parent.

Example: My son called the police on me the night that I confronted him about his drug use. He reported that he was afraid that I was going to hurt him. When the police arrived, they saw my son cowering in a corner. Scotty (named used with permission) was well known in our town. At the time, he played on a National Champion Rugby team and held the weightlifting record at the high school.

21 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 The police looked at him and then at me, his 5 ft., nothing, 50 something year old mother and raised his eyebrows. All he said was “Scotty, we’re not buying this.” Almost immediately, Scotty returned to normal and we had a pretty decent time until he went back to his father’s.

22 A Second Chance

The majority (80%) of divorcing parents do not have narcissistic (borderline) personality disorders and therefore can put their children’s needs above their own. The remaining parents are engaged in prolonged litigation in family court because one parent has a “high conflict” personality. “While there are other personality disorders, BPD and NPD are the most common in high-conflict divorces. “… high-conflict divorces have increased over the past decade, a trend that may be tied to the growing number of people with BPD and NPD.” (Eddy, Kreger, 2014).

Most, if not all of the “high conflict custody cases” in family court are NOT custody cases at all. They are child protection cases.

As the awareness of psychological maltreatment, attachment trauma and personality disorders rise, so does the realization that only parents who are completely self- absorbed and lack empathy for their children and their (ex) partner could prolong and escalate conflict in family for years. Narcissistic (borderline) parents are never in family court to resolve conflict but to escalate it. They cannot share the children’s admiration or “service” and therefore they cannot co-parent or even parallel parent. Family court is the perfect vehicle to further their own malignant agenda of destroying the relationship between the child and the targeted parent and possessively bind their child to them.

Family court dockets are filled with the 15-20% of narcissistic (borderline) parents who do not have the ability to resolve problems or make decisions that are in the best interest of their children. These so-called “high conflict” custody cases are not custody issues except to the degree that these cases allow abusers to continue to domestically abuse their (ex) partner by using their children as weapons (domestic abuse by proxy).

Narcissist (borderline) parents enjoy the conflict of court and gladly walk right in and roost there for as long as they have the upper hand. Every one of these cases follows

23 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 an almost identical pattern as described in thousands of letters from targeted parents to the American Psychological Association.

High conflict parents manipulate and control family court by playing on the strong misconceptions and bias that family courts have about parents, children, families, and domestic violence (Warshak, 2015). Some of the common false beliefs that prevail in family court are listed below.

1. If a child rejects a parent it’s because that parent deserves it. 2. Both parents are responsible for the family conflicts. 3. The NPD or BPD parent and child have a healthy relationship. (As opposed to the pathogenic cross-generational coalition/role-reversal relationship). 4. A parent can’t “really” psychologically manipulate or control a child. 5. It’s always better just to leave the kids where they are. 6. If the kids grades are ok, then the kid is ok. 7. Any type of therapy will help. 8. Emotional harm doesn’t happen that often. 9. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. 10.Kids are resilient, just give it time. 11.The targeted parent is “unstable” (does not recognize the trauma from abuse. 12.Children are reliable witnesses against their parents/abusers/targets. 13.The narcissistic/borderline abuser is an upstanding, honest and genuine person who could never do any to hurt his or her children. 14.Rejection is just a way for kids to cope with divorce.

Since these cases are not custody cases, but child psychological maltreatment cases, the jurisdiction should fall to Child Protective Services rather than family court. Even though Child Protective Services is not yet informed about narcissistic (borderline)

24 parents or child psychological maltreatment, each report of child psychological maltreatment from a targeted parent comes with the child’s built in resiliency factor and an educated, loving parent. The children’s induced suppressed attachment to the targeted parent will resurface as soon as the children do not fear being punished by the abuser for loving that parent. And targeted parents are committed to making sure that EVERY child gets a SECOND CHANCE for a healthy childhood.

Up until now, children who have been psychologically maltreated to suppress their attachment and reject their healthy parent have been unprotected by child protective services, family law, and mental health professionals. Even though, “Psychologically maltreated youth exhibited equivalent or greater baseline levels of behavioral problems, symptoms, and disorders compared with physically or sexually abused youth on most Indicators” (2014, Spinazolla, p. S18).

In light of more than 20 years of validated, scientific information, The National Alliance For Targeted Parents (NATP) is urging all targeted parents to file child psychological maltreatment (emotional abuse and neglect) reports with their local child protection agencies, and to pressure child protective services into taking the same immediate action for these cases as they do for cases of physical and sexual abuse and neglect. Children are the most vulnerable victims of emotional abuse and neglect because they are still developing and they can't get away from the abusing parent. This puts a great responsibility on any non-abusing parent present to protect or remove the child from the abuser. If they don't, another link in the chain may be welded together and the cycle may repeat, with those children ultimately watching their own children go through the same abuse. (/2015/11/4/emotional-abuse).

(NATP) is also pushing for grandparents, advocates, family, friends, and ALL mandatory reporters to use the state statutes, clinical indicators and associated clinical signs as necessary to describe the painfully obvious signs and symptoms of child psychological maltreatment.

Child Protective Services must be alerted to these special reports which will identify significant developmental pathology (clinical indicator 1), personality pathology (clinical indicator 2), and psychiatric pathology (clinical indicator 3) in these children. When these indicators are present in a report of child psychological maltreatment, protective separation is paramount.

26 After the children are safely separated from the abusive parent and placed with the targeted parent, the targeted parent and children can jump-start the reconnection and recover process by using one of the four intensive intervention programs available in North America. These intervention programs do NOT resolve past problems that would trigger guilt, blame and defensiveness in the psychologically maltreated children or blame either parent for the family conflict. This protocol thereby removes the children from having to take sides in the parents’ conflict. These programs fast-track the process of allowing children to love both parents without creating loyalty conflicts. Within the short 3-5 day intensive psycho-educational program, children are able to reverse the impact of the abusive parent, regain their authentic attachment to the targeted parent and then safely be reunited with the abusive parent. These psycho- educational programs are evidenced-based.

The key to stopping the cycle of narcissistic (borderline) abuse and neglect is for Child Protective Services to follow the same procedures for protecting and treating child psychological maltreatment as they do when they encounter physical and sexual abuse.

1. Provide a period of protective separation between the child and the abusive parent for approximately 4 months, depending on how quickly the children’s attachment resurfaces and the other clinical indicators disappear.

2. Place the children full time with the targeted parent and engage them in therapy to repair the broken relationships. Although the secure attachment between the targeted parent and his or her children will naturally bounce back within a couple of weeks, there are intense jump-start programs that can reconnect a parent-child attachment bond in a few days.

3. Require the abuser to seek collateral therapy to gain insight into the causes and consequences of the prior abuse. Since these parents are not likely to be able to make major changes in their personality traits, family, friends and professionals need to always be watchful for signs that the psychological abuse has reappeared; at which 27 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 time, contact would be again be limited between the children and the abuser as necessary.

28 References, Resources and Readings

Gaye Stone, Cheryl Buehler, and Brian K. Barber, “Interparental Conflict, Parental Psychological Control, and Youth Problem Behaviors,” in Brian K. Barber, ed., Intrusive Parenting: How Psychological Control Affects Children and Adolescents (Washington DC: American Psychological Association, 2002), Chapter 3.

Joseph Spinazzola, PhD, et al., “Unseen Wounds: The Contribution of Psychological Maltreatment to Child and Adolescent Mental Health and Risk Outcomes,” Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy (American Psychological Association, 2014), Vol. 6, No. S1, S18-28.

RC Kessler, et al., “Childhood adversities and adult psychopathology in the WHO World Mental Health Surveys,” British Journal of Psychiatry (November 2010): 197 (5): 378- 85. doi:10.1192/bjp.bp.110.080499.

Paul T. Costa Jr., PhD, Thomas A. Widiger, PhD, Personality Disorders and the Five- Factor Model of Personality, Second Edition (American Psychological Association, 2002), 85-86.

American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, Fifth Edition (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).

Honorable Jerry J. Bowles, et al., A Judicial Guide to Child Safety in Custody Cases (Reno, Nevada, National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, 2008).

Shawn C. Marsh, PhD, et al., Preparing for a Trauma Consultation in Your Juvenile and Family Court (Reno, Nevada, National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, 2015).

Randi Kreger, Paul T. Mason, MS, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Oakland, California, New Harbinger Publications, 2010).

William A. Eddy, LCSW, JD, Randi Kreger, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Oakland, California, New Harbinger Publications, 2011).

Daniel J. Siegel, MD, (Editor), Marion Solomon, PhD, (Editor), Healing Trauma: Attachment, Mind, Body and Brain, (New York, New York, W.W. Norton & Co., 2003).

Martin H. Teicher, MD, PhD, Wounds That Time Won’t Heal: The Neurobiology of Child Abuse, (New York, New York, The Dana Foundation, 2000).

29 All rights reserved. The National Alliance For Targeted Parents, 2016 Bessel van der Kolk, MD, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (New York, New York, Penguin Press, 2014).

Jennifer Harman, PhD, Zeynep Biringen, PhD, Parent Acting Badly (Fort Collins, Colorado, The Colorado Parental Alienation Project LLC, 2016).

Books by Craig A. Childress, Psy D. An Attachment-Based Model of Parental Alienation: Foundations An Attachment-Based Model of Parental Alienation: Professional Consultation An Attachment-Based Model of Parental Alienation: Single Case ABAB Assessment and Remedy

Gilad Gal, PhD, Yael Basford, Child Abuse and Adult Psychopathology, ResearchGate (British Journal of Psychiatry, 2010) www.researchgate.net/publication/283428627 Cite last visited 8.10.2016.

Child Welfare Information Gateway, Long Term Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect, (Washington, DC, US Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau, 2013) www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/long_term_consequences.pdf Cite last visited 8.10.2016.

Sarah Laulik, et al., The Link Between Personality Disorder and Parenting Behaviors: A Systematic Review, Science Direct (Nottingham, United Kingdom, Aggression and Violent Behavior, 2013) www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1359178913000712 Cite last visited 8.10.2016.

Bruce D. Perry, MD, PhD, Traumatized Children: How Childhood Trauma Influences Brain Development, (Sacramento, California, The Journal of the California Alliance for the Mentally Ill, 2000) 11:1, 48-51. www.aaets.org/article196.htm Cite last visited 8.10.2016

Richard A. Warshak, MD, Ten Parental Alienation Fallacies That Compromise Decisions in Court and in Therapy, (Richardson, Texas, Dr. Richard A. Warshak, 2015) http://warshak.com/blog/2015/06/30/ten-parental-alienation-fallacies/ Cite last visited 8.10.2016

Allan Schore, Jennifer McIntosh, Family Court Review, Family Law and The Neuroscience of Attachment, Part 1, onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi10.1111/j.1744-1617.2011.01387.x/abstract (July 21, 2011) Cite last visited 8.10.2016

Daniel Sigel, Jennifer McIntosh, Family Court Review, Family Law and The Neuroscience of Attachment, Part 2 onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi10.1111/j.1744- 1617.2011.01388.x/full (July 21, 2011) Cite last visited 8.10.2016

Family Court Review, Children Resisting Postseparation Contact with a Parent: Concepts, Controversies, and Conundrums, (January 2010)

30 http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2009.01287.x/full Cite last visited 8.10.2016

Family Court Review, Family Bridges: Using Insights From Social Science to Reconnect Parents and Alienated Children, (January 2010) http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2009.01288.x/full Cite last visited 8.10.2016

Family Court Review, Commentary on “Family Bridges: Using Insights From Social Science to Reconnect Parents and Alienated Children, (January 2010) http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2009.01289.x/full Cite last visited 8.10.2016

American Academy of Pediatrics, Adverse Childhood Experiences and the Lifelong Consequences of Trauma, (2014) https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/ttb_aces_consequences.pdf Cite last visited 8.10.2016

Reading Lists from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network http://www.nctsnet.org/resources/online-research/reading-lists

For more information about what targeted parents are doing to save their children contact : [email protected] And PLEASE visit our website www.targetedparent.com to join with other Americans Fighting For Our Children and we will keep you up to date on our progress.

The National Alliance For Targeted Parents (NATP) is a grassroots organization representing approximately 22 million parents fighting to save their children their narcissistic/borderline ex-partners. Living with a parent who has a relationally dangerous mental illness causes lifelong mental, physical, emotional, and relational impairments. Targeted parents will never stop fighting this unnecessary adverse child experience despite being the “target” of the abuser’s relentless revenge and the staggering lack of support from law enforcement, mental health, Child Protective Services and legal professionals.