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The Collinson’s! ( N e i g h b o u r s f r o m H e l l )

Episode 1

Set in the mid 70’s in Hull.

Opening Scene

Roy, Gladys, Dean, Raymond and Rachel are on their way home from a Saturday matinee talent show where Dean came second. Roy is agitated as he feels the competition was fixed. They are travelling home in their dodgy old silver Cortina estate. Roy and Raymond are in the front and Gladys, Dean and Rachel are in the back. They are stuck in rush hour traffic. The date is set by the car radio. 1976

Roy (The Father) What a bloody sham! (Turning round to Gladys) Don’t you think Gladys?

As Roy turns around he swerves slightly nearly knocking an agitated cyclist off. Gladys (Roy’s mother in law) rummages in her handbag for her teeth. She is always vocalising little glockles in the back of her throat. Gladys (Putting in her teeth) Aye, I do Roy. You were great our Dean. Will you concentrate on driving?

Dean (13yrs old) Thanks Nana.

Gladys spits her teeth back out into her hanky, nudging and winking at Dean.

Roy I mean, how can an escapologist be more entertaining then a multi instrumentalist?

Gladys (Putting her teeth back in) I don’t know Roy, I just don’t know what the worlds coming to, I tell you.

Raymond (The eldest son. 16yrs) Probably ‘cos he was good.

Roy looks over to Raymond. Roy What the bloody hell do you know about entertaining? You can’t entertain yourself most of the time!

Gladys spits her teeth back out.

Raymond And he wasn’t dressed in a ridiculous silver suit.

Rachel (The youngest. 8yrs) Elvis has a silver suit.

1 Raymond Elvis could sing!

Dean So can I.

Raymond Didn’t sound like it to me.

Dean I can sing better than you!

Raymond It’s those stupid songs you do.

Rachel He can play the guitar.

Raymond So can Elvis! And for your information a guitar usually has more then four strings.

Roy clips Raymond across the ear.

Roy Alright clever shit.

Gladys speaks without her teeth in

Gladys Whoch yer lungwidge woy!

Roy What?

Gladys puts her teeth back in

Gladys I said watch your language in front of the kids.

Roy Well I wouldn’t mind, but he doesn’t even know how many they’re supposed to have himself.

Raymond holding his head.

Raymond Six! A guitar’s got six strings.

Roy I know, you don’t have to tell me!

Raymond Then why did you make his with only four?

Dean It did have five, but me guitar teacher took one off.

Raymond That’s cos he made it from an old banjo dickhead.

2 Roy It wasn't my fault, the neck bit was given to me at work. I didn’t know they were different.

Roy pulls out in front of a car, which beeps it’s horn

Raymond Cos you’re an idiot!

Gladys (Without her teeth) Wat th rode!

Roy clips Raymond around the head again.

Roy You’re getting a bit too big for your boots me lad! (swerving as he looks at Gladys) And can you keep your teeth in!

Dean When am I gonna get a proper guitar dad?

Roy Soon son.

A bloke puts his hand on Roy’s shoulder through the open side window.

Bloke What the hell do you think you’re doing you idiot? You could have cause a bloody … … …

Roy interrupts. Roy Eh fella! Watch your language in front of my kids! And get your hands off me or I’ll knock your friggin’ block off.

Bloke You idiot! You could have caused an accident pulling out like that.

Roy Are you deaf? I said get your hands off me!

The bloke leans in the door pointing his fingers at Roy, ranting on about dangerous driving.

Bloke It’s because of idiots like yourself that my car insurance is so high … … …

Roy gets out of the car. Rachel is scared.

Rachel Dad!

Roy I’ve asked you, now I’m telling yer. Get your hands off of me!

Roy punches the bloke on the nose. Gladys, Dean and Rachel all cry out to stop Roy hitting him again. Raymond jumps out to help, accidentally

3 knocking the car out of gear. The bloke stumbles across the road dazed and falls underneath the local Hospital entrance sign. The old Cortina starts to roll forward as Rachel, Dean and Gladys try to get Roy’s attention Raymond walks over to the bloke and points his fingers.

Roy The hospitals there if you need it!

Raymond (Proudly imitating Roy) It’s because of idiots like yourself that waiting lists are so high! … Dickhead!

Raymond looks at the car behind and smiles. The bloke’s wife is petrified at what she has seen. She quickly locks the car doors. Roy looks at Raymond. Roy (Raising his hand to pat him on the back) Well said so … …

Just then we hear a crash. Roy and Raymond look towards their car. It has rolled forward ten foot into the back of the car in front, damaging both vehicles. Roy clips Raymond across the head again.

Roy You stupid Pratt!

OPENING CREDITS TO THE SONG ‘ O R D I N A R Y M A N’

Scene 2

Dot (Roy’s wife) is making a buffet salad brunch in her kitchen.

Dot So what’s gonna happen?

Roy I don’t know. I guess I’ll wait to hear from his insurance company.

Dot And what about our car?

Roy Don’t worry about that. I’ll fix it tomorrow. It just needs a new bonnet and front wing.

Dot And how much is that gonna cost?

Roy Nowt. I think Perkins scrap yard has got an old Cortina. I’ll just climb over the fence tomorrow night and put our bonnet on there’s and there’s on ours. Come Monday morning they’ll never even know.

Raymond (Confused) I think that one was blue though dad.

4 Roy Why do you always have to complicate things! Anyhow, who the hell was talking to you? It’s your bloody fault we’re in this mess!

There’s a knock on the open back door saving Raymond from yet another onslaught. Tony the next-door neighbour is standing there. Tony Hello Roy, I’m sorry to disturb you, but your goat has found its way into my garden yet again and is eating it’s way through my prize chrysanthemums.

Roy Oh that bloody thing! I only bought it to save me having to cut the grass and the only friggin’ thing it doesn’t eat is my grass. (Shouting for Dean) Dean!

Dean’s voice What?

Roy Go with Raymond and get the goat from next doors garden again!

Dean is sat watching the TV.

Dean Why can’t Rachel?

Roy Cos I've told you to!

Dean But I’m watching the tele … …

Roy Just do as your bloody well told will you! (Tutting at Tony) Kids!

Tony (Cautiously) The thing is Roy, it’s the forth time this has happened. You know, I can’t keep affording to buy new ones every time.

Roy What do you mean? You won the local flower competition not so long back.

Tony What’s that got to do with it?

Roy Well if the bloody thing hadn’t eaten your others, you’d have never have won that competition.

Tony I don’t really think that’s the point though. I mean … …

5 Roy Yeah alright Tony, I know what you're saying. Don’t worry about it, I’ll get you some new ones. (Shouting again for Dean) Dean! Get off your arse and get that goat now!

Dot Do you always have to swear?

Roy Bloody swear! I’m telling you, these friggin’ kids are always costing me money.

Tony (Tentatively) Well I’ll see you later then Roy. Thanks a lot. See you Dot.

Dot Bye See you later Tony, sorry about that.

Tony exits. Roy (Shouting to Tony) Aye, sorry about that Tone, I’ll sort it out don’t you worry. (Shouting again) Dean!!!

Dean enters the kitchen from the hallway. He is sulking.

Dean I’m coming!

Roy And make sure you tie it up to something that it won’t get away from.

Raymond and Dean exit.

Dot Do you know how much flowers cost?

Roy Knackers to that! I’ll just go dig some up from Pickering Park. He won’t know.

Scene 3

Dean and Raymond are walking the goat back up their driveway into the rear garden. The goat has blue horns.

Dean I don’t know why I have to always get the stupid thing. It’s supposed to be Rachel’s.

Raymond Think yourself lucky I’m always having to do things for both of you.

Dean Not for me you’re not.

Raymond Oh really. So who helps carry your equipment into the clubs when you perform?

6 Dean thinks about what Raymond has said.

Dean Do you really think I’m crap?

Raymond No, course not … … Its just your songs.

Dean Why what’s wrong with them?

Raymond Well who wants to hear cockles and mussels alive alive-oh? You wanna be doing stuff like Status Quo or Rod Stewart. Not the funky fucking gibbon!

Dean Hoh. I’m gonna tell you said the ‘F’ word!

Raymond Get lost!

Dean I will, unless you go and get us a quarter of midget gems.

Raymond Fuck off I said!

Heading for the back door Dean Mam!

Raymond You're such a dickhead!

Dean Dad! Dad Raymond said … …

Raymond I'm thinking about going down the shops do you want anything? (To Dean) Shut it you little Pratt and give us your money!

Dean No. You can get them.

Raymond I hate you sometimes!

Dean (Pointing at a big rusty garden roller) Why don’t you tie it to that?

Raymond Cause it’s a wheel you idiot.

Dean Have you tried moving it? It’s impossible.

Raymond hands the goat to Dean as he tries to move the heavy grass roller.

7 Raymond Bloody hell. Give it here then.

Raymond ties the goat onto a long rope and the handle of the roller. Dean (Looking at his watch) You’ve just got enough time to get my sweets before tea.

Raymond I’m not going now!

Dean Mam!

Raymond Shut up! … … Alright I’ll go.

Scene 4

Set in the kitchen. Dot is finishing preparing the brunch. Rachel is confused about a conversation her friends parents were having earlier

Rachel Mum? What’s shag mean?

Dot Eh? Where did you hear that?

Rachel Tracy’s house this morning.

Dot Well it’s not for you to repeat.

Rachel But what’s it mean?

Dot It’s er … what erm … dogs do to have puppies.

Rachel Dogs! But she hasn’t got dogs.

Dot Anyway, like I told you it’s not for you to be saying. Tracy shouldn’t be saying it either.

Rachel No it wasn’t Tracy it was her mum. She was talking to her dad about it.

Dot is shocked. Roy enters from the hall. He is looking for his pools.

Roy Ere Dot, you haven’t seen me pools have you? We could be millionaires and not even know it.

Rachel If we are can I have a pony dad?

Dean enters from the garden.

8 Roy If I’ve won you can have a stable. And our Dean can have a Hank Marvin black Stratosphere.

Dean Stratocaster!

Roy If you want one of them instead you can have one of them.

Dean No, that’s what it’s called. A Stratocaster!

Rachel Dad, what’s piles?

Roy What?

Rachel Piles.

Roy Where did you hear that from?

Rachel Tracy’s.

Dot I don’t want you going round there any more. Do you hear me?

Rachel Why what are they?

Dean Big grapes that stick out your bum hole! And you can’t sit down.

Roy Eh that’s enough from you!

Rachel Why would anyone want to put grapes up their bum?

Roy I said enough. From both of you!

Dot Where’s Raymond? Your tea’s almost ready.

Rachel I don’t understand why Tracy’s mum wants to get a carpet with dogs making puppies with grapes sticking out their bums on.

Roy What? What the friggin' hell’s she on about?

Dot I don’t know. (To Dean) Where’s Raymond?

9 Dean He’s gone to shops on his bike.

Dot What the hell’s he gone there for? His tea’ll get cold.

Roy Cold, it’s a bloody salad woman!

Dot I’m talking about the scampi and the baked potato clever shit! … and will you stop swearing! (Pause) Right come on sit up its ready.

They all take their places at the kitchen table and tuck in. Roy starts talking with his mouth full.

Roy Right, what you gonna say after your first number tonight?

Dot Roy he’s eating!

Roy I don’t care. Go on.

Dean Dad can’t it wait till we’ve finished?

Roy No! Look son, the world doesn’t wait for anything or anybody! If you wanna be a star you’ve gotta work all hours God sent. Go on!

Dean huffs. Dean (To Dot) These taties are horrible.

Dot No they’re not they’re microwaved. It’s better for you.

Roy Right Dot shut up a minute he’s doing this!

Dot I haven’t said nowt!

Dean reluctantly recites his lines parrot fashion.

Dean (To Roy)Good evening ladies and gentleman. Welcome to … …

Roy Lords, ladies and gentlemen!

Dean Good evening Lords, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to … …

10 Dot That sounds too formal for Withrensea Pavilion.

Roy Don’t be so bleeding daft! Entertainments all about style and pazaz.

Dot Panaz!

Dean Am I gonna get through the first link or what? That microwaves crap the taties are hard!

Roy (Agitated) Stop interfering Dot and let us get on with it.

Dot I haven’t opened me bloody mouth!

Roy Watch your swearing. (To Dean) Go on get on with it.

Dean Good evening lords, ladies and gentlemen its nice to be here at the Withernsea pavilion … … …

Dot If I remember right its like a theatre inside.

Dean … … That was the bouncy Guitar Boogie shuffle. My next number is for all you lovers out there. So get up and smooch your partner to a song that goes like this.

Dot Doesn’t sound right that. If the audience is sat in theatre they’re not going to be dancing.

Roy Look, who’s doing this me or you?

Dean Me actually, but I sometimes I wonder!

Rachel What’s a lover?

Dean It’s someone who shags a lot.

Roy throws a serviette at him.

11 Roy Oi what have I told you about swearing! (To Rachel) And you! Do you have to ask so many bloody questions?

In the distance we hear the goat bahing.

Roy Now what’s up with that bloody thing? (To Rachel) Go and see what’s up with it.

Rachel Why me?

Dean Cos its your bloody goat!

Dot goes mad.

Dot Eh, watch your language! I’ve just about had enough of it today.

Dean Me dad says it.

Dot I don’t care!

Roy Stop answering your mother back and get on with what you’re supposed to be saying tonight!

The goat seems to be getting louder.

Roy (To Rachel) You! Go see what it wants.

Rachel plonks her knife and fork down and reluctantly gets down from the table. As she sticks her head out of the back door we see the goat running towards her.

Rachel Oh my god. It’s running!

Roy I thought I told you to tie it up securely.

Dean Raymond tied it up, not me.

Dot What to?

Dean The grass roller.

Roy The bloody grass roller!

The whole family stick their heads out of the door as the goat runs towards them. It runs past the backdoor and down the drive. As the Collinson’s turn their heads to follow it, we hear a low rumble. When the goat reaches the

12 bottom of the drive, it turns left running up the road. The Collinson’s turn their heads back to see the rusty old grass roller picking up momentum as it starts to roll down the drive. Raymond is cycling home from the shops. He is just about to turn into the driveway when he has to swerve out of the way. The roller takes no prisoners as it rolls straight over the main road and down the driveway of the opposite house. As it reaches the bottom of the drive it pulls the goat back towards it, crashing through the garage doors. The goat is catapulted through the air taking Raymond with it. A huge crash is heard as the roller ploughs into the back of a brand new Mercedes. Raymond is spread eagled on the floor as the goat gets catapulted through the back windscreen.

Roy Friggin’ hell!

All the family run towards the wreckage in horror. Raymond peels himself up from the road as a car swerves to miss him. He joins the others.

Raymond What happened?

Roy starts beating Raymond around.

Roy I’ll tell you what friggin’ happened. You tied the bloody thing to a grass roller you idiot!

The opposite neighbours come out of their house and break up Roy and Raymond squabbling.

George What in the devil’s name is going on?

George goes over to his demolished garage to find a goat with blue horns happily sat in his car eating the leather seats.

George What the hell have you done?

Scene 5

Police officer 1 is checking out the damage and taking a statement from Roy and Raymond, while the other one is talking to Dot, Dean and Rachel.

Police officer 2 Why’s it got blue horns?

Rachel Cos its name’s Bluebell.

Police officer 2 That’s original.

Dean (Embarrassed) It’s also so we can recognise it when we pick it up from the farm.

Police officer 2 From the farm?

Dot When we come back from our holidays.

13 Police officer 2 Oh I see.

Police officer 1 (Checking Roy's statement)So you tied it to a grass roller that rolled down the drive. Over a busy main road … down your neighbours drive … smashing into his garage … and writing his Mercedes off? … A bit stupid and dangerous don’t you think sir?

Roy What is with you lot? There’s bloody rapists, thieves and what ever out there and all you bloody do is talk to innocent people like they’re bloody criminals!

The officer bends down and reads an engraving on the roller. Police officer 1 The property of Capper Pass smelting works Ltd. Do not remove!

Roy comes over all nervous.

Roy Yeah I can explain … I … erm.

Raymond He’s the head foreman there. We’ve borrowed it to flatten the back garden.

Police officer 1 Oh you work there do you.

Roy Yeah, you know it?

Police officer 1 Get called out there a lot as it happens. There’s always something going missing from there.

Roy Really! (Nervously) I … er wouldn’t know … Erm my departments pretty honest.

Police officer 1 Really?

Roy Really.

Police officer 1 (Putting his book away) Gonna be quite costly this. I hope you’ve got good insurance.

Roy again laughs nervously.

Police officer 1 Well if the owner decides to press charges you’ll be hearing from us.

Raymond And if he doesn’t?

14 Police officer 1 Then it’s between yourselves.

Roy Oh right.

Police officer 1 But a word of warning Mr … …

Roy Collinson.

Police officer 1 Yes … Mr Collinson. If another car was involved on the road, you’d have been in serious trouble. Understand?

Roy Componday … … Its German or something … It means yes, I understand.

Scene 6

Set in a dressing room. Dean is getting into a 70’s red gold suit. He is very calm. Roy is pacing the room, prepping Dean before he goes on. Roy is obviously very nervous. We have the impression he is living his life through Dean.

Roy Right don’t forget to thank the backing. It’s a true sign of a professional … and don’t make any bum notes with your first number. It’s so important to hit 'em with a bang.

Dean Dad will you stop pacing up and down? You’re getting me all on edge.

Roy Don’t forget, wiggle your leg on the fast numbers and on the slow ones, find a nice old lady and roll your eyes. They love it, trust me!

There’s a knock on the door.

Voice Five minutes.

Dean Right dad, you better take your seat and let me finish getting ready.

Roy Aye ok. Good luck then.

Roy exits. Dean lets out a big sigh. The dressing room door re-opens as Roy sticks his head around the door.

15 Roy Don’t forget to empty your spit out your trombone. You don’t wanna be raspin’ with Edwin Harper out there playing piano.

Dean I already have Dad!

Roy And don’t forget to put those red dots in the middle of your eyes. It makes ‘em really stand out … … But not too much, you don't want 'em thinking you're a puff!

Dean Dad! I’m trying to get ready.

Roy Oh right. Well break a leg.

Roy exits again.

Scene 7

The show has started. Roy is squeezing his way through row B in the circle to his seat. The chorus girls are finishing their opening number. The inner stage curtains close as the old age pensioner’s holiday audience applaud.

Voice Ladies and gentlemen please welcome your compare for this evening, Mr. Ian Sludge Lee.

Again the audience clap.

Roy ‘Ere Dot, pass us a blackcurrant and liquorice.

The person in front turns around and tells Roy to be quiet.

Person in front Shh!

Roy Shush yourself, it hasn’t started yet. (Turning to Dot) Some people are so bloody rude!

On stage, the compare says hello and tells a few jokes to warm the audience up.

Roy I hope he’s tuned his guitar up.

Raymond Wouldn’t make any difference, most of these are probably tone deaf … … In fact some of them don’t even look like their alive.

Dot Will you two be quiet I’m trying to watch.

16 Raymond Apparently, Edwin Harper has just lost his licence for drinking and driving.

Roy How do you know that?

The person in front turns around again.

Person in front Shh!!

Raymond It’s front page in the Withernsea Gazette.

Dot Who’s Edwin Harper?

Roy The bandleader. Surely you’ve heard of the Edwin Harper Big Band?

The person in front turns around again.

Person in front Excuse me I’ve paid good money to see this show!

Roy Then turn around and watch it and stop bothering us!

Compare Right ladies and gents, our first act tonight comes from Hull. It’s his second time in Withernsea so give him a nice warm welcome to the young multi-instrumentalist ‘Deano!’

The audience applaud. Roy gets excited.

Roy Ey-oh he’s on.

Roy gets very tense and emotional as the curtain opens. The crowd all say ‘Ah’ at the size and age of Dean. The Big Band starts to play the intro to ‘Guitar Boogie shuffle’. Dean has a huge over the top pretend smile on his face as he plays the guitar. Raymond looks bored. Dot smiles very proudly and Roy chews his lips looking like he’s about to burst into tears.

Roy ‘Ere look that pianist is only playing with one hand.

Raymond That’s Edwin Harper. It’s probably all he needs to play!

Roy No. At Hessle ex-service mans club the organist really gives it some.

Dot But there’s eight musicians on stage here Roy.

17 Dean and the big band are playing away. Dean makes a bad mistake. Roy Look, he’s putting him off now.

Raymond No he’s not. Our Dean's just not very good that’s all.

Roy clips Raymond around the ear.

Roy He can play a damn site better then you.

The person in front turns around again.

Person in front Shh!!!

Roy Why don’t you just go find a quiet corner and die!

Dot Roy, calm down. Every time he goes on stage do you have to start.

The song is obviously coming to an end. Edwin Harper takes his hands off the keys, ready to bring the band off.

Roy Look, he’s stopped playing all together now!

Roy instinctively stands up with frustration and starts shouting and waving his hands above him.

Roy Stop! Stop the show!! STOP!!!

The band slowly comes to a stop as all the audience turn round to look at Roy.

Roy (To Dean) You! get yourself off that stage now. We’re withdrawing from the show!

The audience laugh nervously, thinking it might be part of the show. Edwin Harper stands up and raises his hand over his eyes to see the madman in the audience.

Edwin What?

Roy I said you get yourself off that stage now! (Pointing at Edwin) If he can’t be bothered to play with both hands we can’t be bothered to do the show!

Again the audience titter.

Dean But Dad … …

18 Roy No buts! I said get yourself off that stage!

Edwin Are you mad?

Roy I might be mad but I’m not a friggin’ alcoholic!

The audience burst into fits of laughter as most of them have obviously seen the headlines.

Roy (To the audience) I don’t know why you’re all laughing. (To Dean) Oi me laddo! (Heading to the aisle) Get off that stage now! We’re withdrawing from the show.

Edwin Someone call security!

Again the audience burst into fits of laughter

Dot Roy! Sit down and stop showing us up.

Three security guards start to move towards Roy, who is now in the centre aisle. There is nowhere for him to go as he is at the front of the balcony.

Roy Call yourself a musician! You should be ashamed of yourself. (To the audience) And you can all stop laughing an all! (To Dean) How many times do I have to friggin’ tell you! Get your guitar off that stage we’re going home!

As the security guards enclose Roy in, he decides to climb over the balcony. The Audience gasp. Roy slips and almost falls, just managing to grab hold of a bar with three stage lights on. Again the audience gasp and laugh. Dot Roy Be careful!

The three security guards run forward to help Roy, who is still ranting and raving. Suddenly the bar gives way and Roy swings down. Two of the lights crash into the stalls aisle. The audience gasp and scream. Roy lets go and drops a small way to the ground. He walks forward and climbs on stage. The audience give a huge round of applause. Roy picks Dean’s trombone and amp up. Edwin Harper approaches him.

Edwin Put them back you nutter!

They both struggle as Roy knocks over the trombone. The Drummer does a clown roll and cymbal crash. Again the audience laughs. They have a bit of a scuffle and both end up at the grand piano. Roy wrestles with Edwin across the keys. Again the drum rolls and the trombonist plays a circus slide. Edwin eventually ends up inside the open Grand. There is a cacophony of noise from the open piano strings. The audience are laughing hysterically. Roy then knocks the lid holder away closing the lid on top of Edwin.

19 Raymond Cool!

The Audience all scream for more giving Roy a standing ovation. Roy turns to them and sticks his fingers up at them mouthing the words ‘Fuck off’. They all laugh again. Then realising where he is, he tentatively takes a bow as the frustrated performer comes out of him. He walks over to the mic. Roy Thank you my lords ladies and gentlemen. If you want to see Dean Collinson … … I mean ‘DEANO’ … perform properly, he’s at Reckets working men’s club tomorrow night … … Oh and he's my son too!

Roy picks up the now dinted trombone and guitar amp and nods to Dean to get off. He pauses then goes back to the mic.

Roy Goodnight God bless, and I’m sorry for ruining your evening.

END OF EPISODE

20 The Collinson’s! ( N e i g h b o u r s f r o m H e l l )

Episode 2

Opening Scene

Late Sunday night. Roy’s Cortina is parked outside Perkins scrap-yard. It has no bonnet or front wing attached to it. The boot is full of flowers and earth, dug up by Roy from a public park. Raymond is looking up at a high corrugated fence. There is a strange strangled sound and knocking coming from the other side.

Raymond (Whispering) Dad? … Dad, are you there?

There’s no reply. Just the faint strangled sound. Raymond looks about to see if anyone is watching.

Raymond Dad! Can you hear me?

The camera slowly pans up and over the fence, revealing Roy hanging by his parker hood and sleeves that has caught on a sharp bit of fence. It is restricting his voice and movement. Cut back to Raymond who’s becoming uneasy. He looks around to see if there’s a dustbin or something to climb onto, to see what’s going on. Again there is a faint strangled sound from the other side. Raymond looks at the car parked on the road, then back at the fence. He climbs onto the good wing of his dad’s car, then onto the roof to see if he can see over the fence.

Raymond Dad, are you there?

There is still no reply. Again he looks around to see if anyone is watching. No one is there. He looks back at the fence.

Raymond Oh fucking hell!

He leaps at the fence with all his might. There is a huge crash. A dog barks at the noise. Raymond is stuck half over the fence doubled up. The force of his jump has freed Roy who is now submerged in a fifty-gallon drum of used motor oil. Raymond is winded.

Raymond Help! … Dad, help!

Roy gasps as he emerges from the oil. He splutters out a mouthful of oil.

Roy You stupid Pratt! You nearly killed me.

The yards guard dog barks ferociously. We hear it searching for its prey.

Raymond I can’t … breath!

Roy You won’t be able to when I get hold of you!

21 Roy climbs out of the oil drum. He grabs Raymond by the shoulders and the seat of his pants and pulls him over the fence, ripping his jeans as he does.

Raymond Bugger, these are me favourite jeans.

Roy clips Raymond around the head.

Roy What have I told you about swearing?

The dog has found its victims and runs straight for them, barking and snarling as it comes. Roy has his back towards it, but Raymond is looking straight at it.

Raymond Dad! Watch out there’s a … a …

Roy What?

Raymond A dog!

Roy turns around as the dog lunges for both of them. Without hesitation he kicks the dog in its head knocking it out. The Dog yelps as it falls to the ground. Roy looks around the yard.

Raymond You’ve killed it!

Roy Take your trousers off.

Raymond What?

Roy Your jeans. Take ‘em off!

Raymond Why?

Roy Can’t you do owt you’re told? Just take the bloody things off!

Raymond takes his jeans off. Blackout. Cut to Roy and Raymond unbolting a blue Cortina’s bonnet. They are using the lights from a knackered car opposite to see.

Roy (Whispering) Right take that to the fence while I finish taking the wing off … … and quietly!

Raymond (Whispering) Alright, don’t forget to turn the lights off.

22 Raymond heads for the fence. Cut to a police car pulling up beside Roy’s Cortina.

Police officer 1 What the hell’s that?

The second officer looks at the car then back to his partner.

Police officer 2 Probably just left it there for old Perkins to scrap. Shall I run a check on it?

His partner pauses.

Police officer 1 No you’re right. Who’s ever it is. They’ve obviously left it for scrap, I mean, just look at it.

They both look at the knackered Cortina then drive off. Cut back to Raymond who is walking blindly to the fence. He hears the dog growling again and panics, banging into the oil drum.

Raymond (Panicking) Shit!

Raymond lowers the bonnet to reveal the dog shaking vigorously on the floor. It has its mouth tied up and its legs tied together with strips of Raymond’s jeans. Raymond breathes a sigh of relief. He kicks it in the head again knocking it unconscious. The dog yelps as it passes out.

Raymond Bloody thing!

OPENING CREDITS TO THE SONG ‘ O R D I N A R Y M A N’

Scene 2

Set in Tony’s, the next-door neighbours back garden. Roy is knocking on his back door. Tony answers.

Roy There you go. As good as new!

Cut to Tony’s flowerbed. It is jammed full with the flowers Roy nicked from Pickering Park. It looks like a jungle, as there are far too many flowers for the area. Tony is speechless

Tony Er … …

Roy Told you not to worry didn’t I?

Tony Er … What can I say?

23 Roy At least if the goat gets back in you’ll still have some left. There’s no way it’ll eat all them in one go.

Scene 3

Set inside the lounge of the Collinson’s house. Dot is polishing the windows. Rachel is practising the piano. Raymond enters carrying a cardboard box.

Raymond Here Rach, there’s a present for you.

Rachel stops playing and gets all excited.

Rachel What is it?

Raymond Open it and see.

Rachel opens the box and pulls out a tortoise.

Rachel A tortoise. Mum look it’s a tortoise.

Dot Where did you get that?

Raymond I bought it.

Dot What with?

Raymond Money, what do you think?

Dot And where did you get that from?

Dean shouts from his bedroom.

Dean’s Voice Who’s been in my piggy bank?

Dot You little bugger!

Raymond I’ll pay it back.

Dot Too right you’ll pay it back! And with interest.

Rachel It’s fab Raymond. I’m gonna call it Jemima.

Raymond You can’t call a tortoise Jemima!

24 Dean enters carrying his empty piggy bank.

Dean Who’s been in my piggy bank?

Dot Raymond. He borrowed some money but don’t worry he’s gonna pay it back before the weekend. How much is missing?

Dean looks at Raymond and smiles to himself.

Dean Ten pounds!

Raymond No there isn’t you liar. There was only five in there.

Dean Wasn’t.

Raymond Was.

Dean Wasn’t!

Raymond Yes there was!

Dot Well there’ll be a tenner there before the week’s out. (To Raymond) That’ll teach you to go taking without asking!

Raymond But that’s not fair!

Raymond looks at Dean who just pulls a face at him. Enter Roy.

Roy Seemed a bit bloody ungrateful, considering the amount of flowers he got.

Rachel Dad look. Raymond bought me a tortoise.

Roy Not another bloody animal!

Rachel It’s called Jemima.

Dean Jemima, what a stupid name.

Rachel No its not.

Roy takes it from Rachel and turns it upside down.

25 Dot What you doing?

Roy Checking to see if it's a boy or a girl

Dot I’m sure it doesn't bloody care what it’s called.

Roy (To Rachel) You’ve got to be careful ‘cos they go missing all the time these you know. If I’m not mistaken the Chinese make soup out of ‘em

Dot That’s chicken’s nests you idiot!

Roy Chicken’s don’t have nest you stupid Pratt. Its tortoises, I’m telling you. Not that I’ve got anything against them … I mean, who else do you know makes good curry sauce.

Dean How can you eat a tortoise?

Roy I’ll tell you what. Bring it into the kitchen … … I’ll put a lead on it for you.

Cut to Roy entering the kitchen with a drill, a paint brush and a small tin of yellow paint. He plugs the drill into the wall and tests it.

Roy (Shouting) Rachel!

Dot She’s in the garden. What you doing with that?

Roy You get on with what you’re doing and let me get on with what I’m doing.

Roy exits to the hallway to get the tortoise. Rachel enters the kitchen.

Rachel Mam can I have a lolly?

Dot Course you can love.

Dot opens the freezer and takes out an ice lolly for Rachel. Roy re-enters carrying the tortoise.

Rachel What you doing?

Roy puts the tortoise over the corner of the table and starts to drill into its shell.

26 Rachel Dad, what you doing!

Roy I’m drilling an hole so you can put it on a lead.

The tortoise disappears inside its shell.

Rachel Stop it you’re killing it!

Roy drills right through the rear part of the shell, cracking it slightly at the end.

Roy Friggin’ hell! Now look what you’ve made me do.

Dot She didn’t make you do anything.

Roy looks for the superglue in the first aid cupboard.

Rachel Dad! Leave it alone.

Roy Shut up, it'll be fine you see.

Dot You can’t glue it. You’ll poison the poor thing.

Roy Shut up you silly Pratt!

Rachel (Crying) You always have to spoil things. Everything I get you go and spoil.

Roy Course I’m not. I making it so you can take it for a walk. My Dad did the same for me. You see.

Rachel storms out in a huff. Roy glues the shell then takes the lid off of the paint. Dot is doing the washing up.

Dot Has George said anything about his car?

Roy messily paints the telephone number onto the shell.

Roy No, I guess we’ll have to wait and see what his insurance says. I’ve told him I’ll fix his garage though.

Dot How much will that cost?

Roy ties some blue nylon rope to the tortoise. There’s paint all over the table.

27 Roy Nowt! I’ll nick the doors from work. There, what do you think?

Raymond enters from the hallway. Dot looks at Roy’s masterpiece

Dot Bloody hell Roy! There’s paint all over the friggin' table. Get out! Go on clear off. I’m forever bloody tidying up in here after you lot!

Roy ‘Ere Raymond, go tie that up outside for your mother.

Raymond Why do I always have to do it?

Roy Do as you’re told. And don’t tie it to the grass roller!

Raymond exits complaining to himself.

Raymond It’s not fair … … …

Scene 4

Set in the Collinson’s back garden. Dean walks out the garage carrying a load of rope and a pulley. Raymond exits the house carrying the tortoise.

Raymond What you doing?

Dean Making an Ariel runway. Do you wanna help?

Raymond Piss off! You said I took a tenner.

Dean If you help you can just give us a fiver when you can.

Raymond Fuck off!

Dean If you don’t I’ll go tell you’ve used the ‘F’ word again?

Raymond looks at Dean. Raymond I hate you.

Reluctantly Raymond takes the rope from Dean.

Dean No you don’t. (Looking at the tortoise) What’s me father done to that?

28 Raymond Knackered it.

Raymond ties the tortoise to the back of the trailer.

Cut to Dean in his tree house. He has tied one end of the rope around the tree and thrown the other end down to Raymond.

Dean Just tie it underneath the roundabout and turn it till it goes tight.

Roy walks up the garden to see what’s going on.

Roy What you doing?

Dean Making an Ariel runway!

Roy A what?

Dean A rope slide, so I can slide down from the tree house.

Roy Eh, I’ll tell you what. I could get you some wire from work that’ll take the weight of an elephant. I’ll go get you it.

Raymond An elephant won’t be using it.

Roy No. What you want is a post in the garden over there with a big spring on it to stop you when you get to the bottom.

Dean But with this we’ll just slide on the grass to stop.

Roy If you’re gonna do a job you might as well do it properly. Come on get down from there. I’ll give Mick a ring at work to tell him we’re popping in.

Scene 5

Dot is in the kitchen preparing the dinner. Rachel is sat drawing. Roy is in the hall on the phone.

Roy Yeah, Ok Mick, I’ll just pop up now. See you in a tick.

Roy puts down the phone and walks through the kitchen.

29 Dot Where you going?

Roy Work. I’m just gonna pick some wire cable for the kids.

Dot How much is that gonna cost?

Roy It’s not. They think I’m coming to check the hydraulic suspension on the car.

Dot Don’t get bloody caught.

Roy I won’t I’ll cut an old spare tyre open and hide in there. They’ll never find it.

Dot Well don’t be long your tea’ll be ready soon!

Roy No we won’t. Dean! Raymond! Get in the car we’re going!

Roy exits the kitchen and puts the trailer that the tortoise is tied to, onto the car. Dean enters the kitchen to get his jacket. He see’s Dot putting the meat in the microwave.

Dean Why do we always have to have stuff from the microwave, now?

Dot ‘Cos its better for you.

Dean But its tastes crap.

Dot No it doesn’t at all!

Roy’s Voice Dean come on, we should be there now!

Rachel Carl’s mam’s tastes a lot better then yours.

Dot (To Dean) Get going or he’ll play hell.

Dean See you in a minute.

Dean exits, followed by Dot and Rachel. Dean gets into the car.

Dot And don’t be long!

30 Rachel Dad will you get me some sweats on the way back?

Roy (Getting into the car) Friggin’ hell. It’s always want, want, want with you kids.

Roy starts the car up.

Dot Drive careful!

Roy pulls away. As he does we notice the tortoise is still tied to the trailer.

Dot Oh my God!

Rachel What?

Just then the tortoise is catapulted past Rachel and Dot. Rachel lets out a huge scream.

Rachel Aaahhhh!

The tortoise is scraping along the road as Dot tries to run and stop them, shouting at the top of her voice.

Dot Roy! Roy stop! … The bloody tortoise! Roy!!!

Dean notices Dot and alerts Roy.

Dean Dad me mum’s running after us.

Roy looks through his mirror at Dot!

Roy Look at her the silly pratt. She’ll have to wait till we get back now. I’m sure it’s not that bloody important.

Cut to the tortoise being ground away, till it eventually splits in three and leaves a bloody mess on the road.

Scene 6

Roy’s Cortina pulls up the drive with the trailer on the back. The lead that the tortoise was on is trailing behind, with only a tiny bit of the shell attached. Roy and the kids get out the car.

Roy Hello we’re back. Dot?

Dot walks out of Rachel’s room into the Kitchen.

Roy What’s wrong with you?

31 Dot What’s wrong with me? It’s you. You’ve gone and killed the bloody tortoise. That’s what’s wrong with me!

Roy What you talking about I’ve been at work!

Dot I know, we saw you go … With the bloody thing tied to the back of you.

Roy What? … … Raymond!

Raymond’s voice What?

Roy Get here now!

Raymond enters the kitchen. Roy hits him across the head.

Roy Where did you tie that tortoise?

Raymond On the trai … l …

Roy hits him again.

Raymond And where we just been? … … You useless pratt. (Grabbing him) I’ve a good mind to tie you on the bloody thing!

Roy lets Raymond go and hits him around the head again.

Raymond But …

Roy Get out me sight! Before I lose me temper!

Raymond exits as Roy goes in to see Rachel.

Scene 7

Set in the back Garden. Dean is sat up at the tree house taking down his prototype Ariel runway. Raymond walks up the garden rubbing his head. We can hear Roy and Dot arguing in the house.

Dean What’s wrong with you?

Raymond Me father! We killed the bloody tortoise.

Dean Stupid name anyhow!

32 Raymond The bloody tortoise is dead!

Dean Here. Take this wire to where the post is going.

Raymond Did you here what I just said?

Dean So what, it’s a fucking tortoise with a stupid name!

Raymond Oh, I’m gonna tell me Mam you swore.

Dean Tell her but take that wire up there as you go.

Scene 8

Dot is preparing a tin for the remains of the tortoise. Roy is sat reading the paper. Rachel is sat at the table. She is very upset.

Roy Eh! There’s some garage doors for sale. Two, 6 be 9! Thirty quid!

Dot what do you want those for we’ve got some already?

Roy looks at Dot to see what she’s doing.

Roy No, for George opposi … What you doing?

Dot What does it look like I’m doing? It’s for the dead tortoise.

Roy In a biscuit tin! You wanna a bloody shoebox.

Dot And where the frig am I gonna get a shoebox from?

Roy I don’t know. You do the bloody shopping!

Dot just carries on what she is doing.

Roy Eh! You could make it into a time bomb.

Rachel You’re not blowing it up as well!

33 Roy No, it’s when you put a picture and some money inside … and bit of paper telling them about yourselves.

Rachel Who?

Roy The Aliens … …

Dot A Time Capsule!

Roy I don’t know how they’ll get here!

Dot No! It’s what it’s called.

Rachel When will they come Dad?

Roy I don’t bloody know. But we’ll all be gone I’m sure of that.

Rachel I’ll go get some pictures.

Rachel exits. Dot goes over to Roy and kisses his head and cuddles him.

Dot You’re not bad really, are you?

Roy pushes her away as Rachel enters holding some photographs.

Roy Ere, get off you soppy old sod.

Rachel Mam, have you got some paper?

Raymond enters the kitchen as Dot finds some paper for Rachel.

Raymond Mam, Dean said fuck!

Roy Eh! What have I bloody told you about swearing!

Roy clips Raymond across the head.

Dot Will you stop hitting him across the head, you’ll give him brain damage.

Raymond I didn’t say it. It was Dean!

34 Roy Well that’s for telling tales. Never drop another man in it! (to Dot) Brain damage! His was damaged before birth.

Dot Well that's probably got something to do with him being yours!

Roy Bollocks! It's a genital imbalance.

Dot Eh?

Roy It's in his jeans!

Raymond Genetic you idiot!

Roy clips him again. Roy Who asked you!

Scene 9

Dean and Raymond are putting the pole in a hole they have dug. Roy, Dot and Rachel enter the garden. Roy is calling the boys.

Roy Dean! Raymond! Don’t put the pole in there we’re burying the tortoise!

Dean You’re what?

Raymond But there was only a bit of the shell left.

Dot That’s not the point!

Rachel We’re burying a time bomb for the Aliens.

Dean Aliens? You’re the bloody Aliens, the lot of you!

Roy takes the tin and puts it in the hole that Dean and Raymond have dug.

Roy For what you’re about to receive. Make us all truly thankful. Amen.

Raymond You can’t say that at a funeral. We’re not eating the bloody thing!

35 Roy Will you stop swearing!

Dot Roy calm down. We’re at a funeral.

Roy looks around in amazement.

Roy We’re in our back garden you silly pratt!

Dean picks up a handful of dirt and sprinkles it onto the tin.

Dean Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Dear father in heaven? We give over to you an innocent soul that was recklessly taken away by mistake. Please take Jemima and use the love we have for each other to take care of her … or what ever she is. Amen.

Dot That was lovely our Dean. There you go Rach. Chuck some mud on it.

Roy puts his arm around Rachel and cuddles her. Then he pats Dean’s head and rubs it. Raymond fills the hole.

Scene 10

Set in the kitchen. Roy is reading the paper as Dot takes a burnt piece of meat out of the microwave.

Dot This bloody microwave! I think it’s faulty.

Roy Don’t be so ridiculous we’ve only had it a month!

Dean enters the kitchen from the garden.

Dean Dad, will the concrete be set yet?

Roy checks the clock.

Roy Yeah, it should’ve set by now. Shall we string her up?

Roy gets up from the table. Dean looks at the plate of burnt meat in Dot’s hand, then at Rachel.

Dean I bet Carl’s mam’s never looked like that!

Dot Get out all of you! I can’t bloody concentrate with all in here!

36 Roy and Dean exit into the garden and finish assembling the subsonic Ariel runway! (Song over Scene)

Roy Right, go get Rachel and your mother.

Dean Can I ring and tell Phillip and Grant … and Daren Abbey?

Roy Whatever … Oh and bring your skateboard helmet out, just in case.

Dean runs off excitedly.

Roy (Proudly to Raymond) By, you can tell you’re Collinson’s.

Raymond Why?

Roy Cos you’re special. And you’re both mine.

Raymond coyly smiles as Roy gently chins him. Dot, Rachel and Dean start to walk up the garden towards Roy and Raymond.

Roy Here they come. The Collinson’s!

A slowed down (Resovior Dogs) version of the family walking up the garden. Cut to real time. Dean is putting on his helmet. Roy is explaining/lecturing what to do.

Roy Right, when you get to here … make sure you stomp your feet down to slow yourself down! Have you got that?

Dean Course I’ve got it I’m not Raymond.

Dot clips Dean around the head.

Dot Don’t be so cheeky!

Phillip and Grant, identical twins, (Dean’s friends) enter the garden, closely followed by Darren Abbey.

Dean Welcome to the adventure park!

Dean runs up the garden pulling the Runway with him.

Phillip Hiya Mrs Collinson. Alright Roy? Rach?

Dot Hiya Phillip? Or is it Grant? I can never tell the difference.

37 Roy Which one have you’s got that mole on the side of your chin? That’s Grant that is!

Dot Roy don’t be so bloody rude!

Roy Well, it’s the only way to tell’em apart.

Rachel flirts with Darren.

Rachel Hiya Darren.

Roy Oh hiya Darren. How’s your Dad?

Darren Fine thanks Mr Collinson.

Roy What have I told you about calling me Roy.

Dean shouts out from the tree house.

Dean Dad! Everyone! Here I go!

Cut to Dot.

Dot Are you sure it’s safe? It’s not gonna bloody catapult him over next doors is it?

Roy Don’t be so bloody daft. I built it!

Dot I know!

Roy crosses his fingers behind Dot’s back. Cut to slow motion of Dean launching from the Ariel runway. The music becomes tense. However, Dean successfully glides down. Everyone cheers.

Dot I never doubted you for a second.

Dot gives Roy a big hug. They look up at the kids and smile at each other. They walk back towards the house leaving the kids having fun. Fade to black.

Scene 11

It’s midnight and all the lights are off. Roy walks in the kitchen putting a faulty fluorescent light on. He walks over to the sink and gets a glass of water. He then turns around and reflects on the day, smiling to himself. He looks outside the kitchen window at the full moon. Cut to the moon. Cut to Roy exiting the house in his pyjamas. He walks up the garden and sits on the tree house ledge with the Ariel runway in his hand. He slowly edges off. The camera follows Roy down as he screams for dear life. As Roy hits

38 the spring at the bottom, his hands spring back as his legs shoot forward, catapulting him over into next doors garden. Roy lands smack in the middle of all the flowers he planted for Tony.

Roy Fuckin’ Hell!

Roy passes out as the End titles are played.

END OF EPISODE

39 The Collinson’s! ( N e i g h b o u r s f r o m H e l l )

Episode 3

Opening Scene

Set in the Collinson’s back garden. The goat is pushing through the hedge to the next-door neighbours garden again. It slowly heads for the flowerbed that Roy had planted in the previous episode. Cut to it taking a piss. The camera pans down. The goat is urinating on Roy, who is passed out in his pyjamas. He has a few cuts and bruises on him.

OPENING CREDITS TO THE SONG ‘ O R D I N A R Y M A N’

Scene 2

Set in the kitchen. Dean is complaining about his microwaved breakfast. Dot is taking Raymond’s porridge out of the microwave. Radio Humberside is blaring out the Radio. Dean This is like concrete! Why does everything have to come out the microwave?

Dot Because it’s modern.

Dean I bet the African’s don’t have 'em

Raymond They don’t have any electric or gas to run ‘em stupid.

Rachel How do they cook then?

Raymond On log fires.

Dean They eat each other you know.

Dot gives Raymond his porridge. His spoon is stood upright. Dot That’s why your father says never trust ‘em.

Raymond How am I suppose to eat this? It’s set hard!

Dot Get it eat it’s good for you!

Raymond Can I have toast instead?

Dot sighs then puts two slices of toast under the grill.

40 Dean Paki Pete’s alright though, isn’t he?

Dot Who?

Dean Paki Pete from church.

Dot It’s Father Pete to you!

Rachel Does Paki Pete eat people Mam?

Raymond Course he doesn’t he’s not a real darky is he? That’s why he’s a paki!

Rachel What are them?

Dean They live in corner shops.

Rachel I thought he lived in a church.

Raymond Don’t be stupid. That’s where he works.

Dean They reckon Jesus was a darky you know.

Rachel Who does?

Dot Don’t be so ridiculous we’ve all seen Jesus of Nazereth. (To Raymond) Here, there’s your toast.

Dot hands Raymond two burnt pieces of toast.

Raymond This toast is as black as them!

Dot Get it eat it’ll make your hair curl.

Raymond I don’t want curly hair!

Dean I thought it was crust that made your hair curl?

Rachel Where’s me dad, Mam? I thought we were going to pick Nana Glady’s up before he had to go into work?

41 Dot I don’t know, I didn’t hear him get up this morning. He must have had to go in early or something.

The radio program becomes the main feature as the Collinson kids eat their breakfast and Dot tidies the kitchen. Radio So if any one out there has a relative they want to embarrass, give us a ring and we’ll do it live on air. Call us now on Radio Humberside 23232. Here’s Ian Drury with his rhythm stick.

Dean (To Rachel) Remember twenty-three. (To Raymond) You remember two hundred and thirty two!

Raymond Why?

Dean Just remember it for us.

There is a knock on the back door. The Two policemen that drove past Perkins scrap yard are outside. Dot answers the door. Dot Oh, hello officer how can I help you?

Officer 1 Morning Mam. Does a Raymond Collinson reside at this residence?

Dot What?

Officer 2 Does a Mr Raymond Collinson live here?

Dot That depends. Why what’s he been up to now?

Officer 1 We’re just investigating a break-in at Perkin’s Scrap yard … …

Dot Break in? What was taken?

Officer 2 Well it’s a scrap yard so it’s hard to tell but at the moment nothing seems to be missing.

Dot So why do you want our Raymond?

Officer 1 It’s just that whoever broke in, inflicted torture on the yards dog!

Raymond gets up from his breakfast.

42 Raymond Dog!

Officer 1 Are you Raymond Collinson?

Dot No!

Raymond Yes why?

Dot clips Raymond around the ear.

Dot Don’t admit to anything unless you’re sure you didn’t do anything.

Officer 1 Where were you on the night of Sunday the 11th?

Raymond When was that?

Officer 2 The Sunday just gone.

Raymond Oh I erm … I …

Dean He was with me and me Mam and Dad.

Officer 2 And where was that then?

Dean Reckets working men’s club. I’m an entertainer and Raymond helps me shift the gear.

Officer 1 Gear?

Dean Guitar, trombone, banjo, accordion and a small case with Miss Piggy, Kermit the frog and some other bits and pieces in it. I do impressions as well. Do you wanna hear me Frank Spencer?

Officer 1 Erm, No thanks I’ll take your word for it.

Officer 2 So can you explain why the dog was tied up with some jeans that had your library card in the back pocket?

Raymond Erm … I … er …

43 Dean You’ve found his jeans? They’ve been missing for ages.

Raymond (nervously) Yeah … they have.

Dean He was playing football two weeks ago for school … and when he went to get changed some fucker had nicked ‘em.

Dot’s voice Eh! What did you just say?

Dean Nothing! I’m just telling these two … gentlemen where we were on Sunday!

Officer 1 Is this true?

Raymond Yeah course it is … Anyhow, why would I want to tie a dog up for? We love animals at this house.

Officer 2 You’d be surprised at what kids get up to.

Officer 1 We were called out Monday morning cos some youths had wreaked the flowerbeds in Pickering Park. Just don’t know what the worlds coming to.

Raymond laughs nervously.

Raymond Pickering Park? … You don’t say.

Officer 2 So you say you were at Reckets social club? Obviously not consuming alcohol?

Raymond No I was just drinking cider …

Dot rushes to the door to stop Raymond dropping her in it.

Dot (Laughing with embarrassment) Appletize … We just tell them it’s Tizer.

Officer 1 Cider?

Dot No they definitely wasn’t drinking that.

The officers are looking around and notice the car.

Officer 2 What happened to the car?

44 Dean My father went spare. He knocked this fella out outside hospital and our Raymond got out to help, but he didn’t help at ,all cos he knocked the bloody thing out of gear. It was the only colour we could get hold of, but Dad said he might spray the whole thing eventually.

Officer 1 Really?

Officer 2 Well thank you for your time …

Dean Dean! Me stage name’s Deano.

Officer 2 Really?

Officer 1 If there’s anymore questions, we’ll be in touch.(Pause) Oh, I’d make sure you lock your clothes away in future.

Raymond What?

Dean kicks Raymond.

Dean Oh yeah he will officer. Sorry to cause you any inconvenience.

Officer 1 Aye, I’m sure you are. We’ll be seeing you again, I’m sure.

Dot Sorry we couldn’t be of any more help.

Dot closes the door and slaps Raymond around the head.

Dot Fancy leaving your bloody jeans there. Do you know how much they cost me?

Raymond But me Dad ripped ‘em.

Scene 3

Cut to Roy snoring away in the flowerbed. Cut to Dot bringing a cup of tea and a sandwich into the lounge.

Dot Right, put Sons and Daughters on while I have me sandwich.

45 Dean Why do we have to watch that crap?

Dot You don’t! You should be doing your practise! Now turn it over!

Dean sulks as he turns the TV over.

Dean It’s not fair, I always have to do it.

Dean walks out of the lounge. As he walks past the telephone he stops and looks at it. The radio announcement replays in his head.

Radio voice If anyone out there has a relative or a friend they want to embarrass give us a ring and we’ll do it live on air. Call us now on Radio Humberside 23232.

Dean picks up the phone and sneaks into the bedroom.

Scene 4

Tony exits his back door, only to find the goat in his garden again. Tony Oh no, not again.

Tony chases the goat around his garden.

Tony Go on, get out of it.

The goat heads for the flower bed where Roy is unconscious. Tony picks up a stick to hit the goat with. Cut to the goat licking Roy’s face slowly bringing him back to consciousness. Tony creeps up on the flowerbed, Stick in hand. Just as he thinks he has the goat where he wants it, the goat is startled and runs away. Roy gets to his feet as Tony smacks him around the head knocking him out again. Roy Fuck me! … … …

Scene 5

Set in Tony’s kitchen. Roy is holding an ice pack on his head. Dot and the kids are all crowding him. Tony I’m so sorry Roy. I thought it was the goat.

Roy It bloody will be when I get me friggin’ hands on it!

Dot What the hell was you doing in the flowerbed in the first place?

Roy Last night I couldn’t sleep. So I thought I’d have a go on our Dean’s Ariel runway.

46 Dot You’re nearly bleeding forty, you silly sod. You could have killed yourself!

Dean The police have been round for Raymond!

Raymond Shut up trouble causer!

Roy Why what have you done now?

Raymond Nowt!

Dean He left his library card in his jeans that you tied the dog up at Perkin’s scrap yard with.

Tony Tied the dog up!

Roy It was giving us a bit of jip as we were changing the bonnet.

Dean I got him out of it!

Raymond No you didn’t!

Dean Yes I did! I told them that his jeans had been nicked at football.

Roy looks up at Dean and holds his shoulder.

Roy Good thinking son. (To his family) You’ve always got to keep one step ahead of the bastards!

Dot Will you watch your language!

Roy I am! (Looking at Raymond) Fancy leaving your library card in the pocket!

Roy then clips Raymond around the head. Tony is embarrassed.

Tony Anyone for another cup of tea?

Roy No thanks Tone, I better get going. Work’ll be wondering where the hell I am.

Roy slowly gets up and notices a piece of cake on the side.

47 Roy Ooh, I’ll have that though.

Roy just helps himself.

Tony Oh that was … mine.

Roy (Speaking with his mouth full) I’ll sort your flowers out again tone, just give us a few days.

Tony No don’t worry about it Roy, honestly. There’s still more flowers then I actually need. Just take care of the goat if you don’t mind.

Roy The bloody thing’s going to meat market.

Rachel No it’s not! Don’t you think you’ve killed enough animals in one week?

Roy (To Tony) The tortoise got towed to work and back.

Tony Yes … er … That would do it.

Scene 6

Set at Roy’s work. It is Tea break and the Radio is blaring out. Radio Ok coming up next is family or friend. We’re going to call someone at home and embarrass them live on the air. If it’s you, you have just one minute to say ‘Bazookered’ only then will you get this weeks top ten records absolutely free.

Roy Eh, Paul turn it up I like this. I can’t believe how people fall for it.

Paul What is it?

Mick It’s where someone phones up and sets one of the family up.

Roy Or friend …

Mick And the radio rings them up and plays a joke on them.

48 Roy You can’t believe how stupid some people are!

Cut to Dot hoovering up the lounge. The phone in the hall rings. She leaves the hoover on as she answers the phone.

Dot Hello?

Radio Hi, am I speaking to the lady of the house?

Dot Speaking.

Radio Oh hello, this is the general manager of Panasonic electronics.

Cut to Roy’s work.

Roy This’ll be a laugh. Women and bloody electronics!

Paul They should ring my wife up. She’s fucking useless when it comes to technology!

Cut back to Dot and the Radio station.

Radio So I believe you’ve been having trouble with your microwave?

Dot Yes. Everything’s rubbery and got no flavour!

Radio And you don’t think it’s anything to do with you?

Dot No, I’ve been cooking for years and never had any problems.

Radio I understand.

Cut to Roy’s work Roy I can’t stand that I understand bullshit. (Clenching his fist) That’s all these jumped up managers understand!

Mick How’s your Misses getting on with her microwave?

49 Roy Friggin’ useless, everything tastes the same!

Cut back to Dot and the Radio station.

Radio Will it be ok if you just try a small test while we’re on the phone?

Dot Yeah that’s fine with me.

Radio Ok. Is it snowing there at all?

Cut to Roy’s work

Roy Fucking snowing it’s the middle of June!

Cut back to Dot and the Radio station.

Dot No, not here.

Radio Oh I see. Well is there any icy slush on the ground?

Cut to Roy’s work Dot’s voice No it’s the middle of summer here.

Roy Silly Pratt! It’s the middle of summer anywhere in the fucking country. See what I mean. No common sense!

Cut back to Dot and the Radio station.

Radio Have you got any ice in the freezer?

Dot Yeah I’ve got loads of ice.

Radio Oh good. Good. Well I’ll tell you what, can you get as much ice as you’ve got and put it in the microwave?

Dot Ok, you’ll have to hold on while I go and do it.

Radio No problem at all.

Dot Shall I put the ice in a bowl or something?

50 Radio Erm … no it’s best on it’s own.

Dot walks into the kitchen and takes all the ice out of the freezer and empties it in the microwave. Cut to Roy’s work.

Roy You know if my wife was as thick as this, I’d disown her.

Paul Does she seriously think she’s going cook it?

Cut to Dot and the Radio.

Radio Ok. Now set the timer for three minutes, on high.

Dot Three minutes?

Radio That’s correct, and if your microwaves working as it should, then the er … ice will … go a rusty brown colour.

Dot Will it? You learn something new everyday. I’ll just put the phone down for a minute.

Cut to Roy’s work.

Roy See, fucking stupid. Im’ telling you most the bloody country’s like it!

Mick I can’t believe she thinks it’s gonna go brown.

Roy chuckles away to himself

Roy Can you imagine her husband sat at work listen to her make a fool out of herself.

Paul Do we get to know who she is?

Roy Yeah they always ask your name and where you from at the end.

Mick You wouldn’t be able to show your face!

Roy Yeah but, whoever’s stupid enough to marry someone as thick as that, deserves it.

Cut to Dot’s hallway.

51 Dot,s voice Hang on. There’s water running out of the bottom!

Dot runs to the phone.

Dot Hello, are you there?

Radio Yes still here.

Dot There’s just gallons of water pouring out of it!

Radio And what about the ice?

Dot Oh hang on a minute.

Dot runs back out to check

Dot’s voice No it’s all melted … …

There’s a loud bang from the kitchen as Dot screams. Dot re-enters and picks up the phone.

Dot The figgin’ things just blown up!

Radio Oh well there’s definitely something wrong with it now isn’t there?

Dot I knew there was. I kept telling me husband … …

Radio Your husband, so you’re married are you?

Dot Yeah with three kids.

Radio So what’s your full name?

Cut to Roy’s work. Roy and the lads are drinking their tea.

Dot Dorothy Edith Collinson.

Mick and Paul spit their tea out as Roy drops his cup.

Radio And where are you from Dorothy?

Roy is static throughout the conversation.

Dot Ferriby, North Humberside.

52 Radio Well, Dorothy you’ve been such a good sport for us today, we’re gonna give you this weeks top ten for free.

Dot Top ten?

Radio This is Radio Humberside 1533. Here’a John Denver.

The radio starts to play ‘Annie’s song’. Roy is still gob smacked.

Mick Look on the bright side. At least you got the top ten!

Paul and Mick start to laugh. Cut to Dot in the hallway.

Dot Hello! … Hello! … … Hello Panasonic?

Scene 7

Dot is clearing up the kitchen again. Raymond, Dean and Rachel are sat down eating their tea.

Dean Mmmm. Back to civilisation.

Raymond What’s Dad gonna say when he gets home?

Dot I don’t bloody care! He can take it back tomorrow!

Dean We’re not getting a new one are we?

Dot No we’re not! I’m getting me money back!

Roy enters the kitchen from the drive.

Dot There’s been an accident!

Roy Bloody accident! You’re the accident! The whole fucking world knows!

Dot What you talking about?

Roy You was only live on the bloody radio!

Dean Radio Humberside? When?

53 Dot I wish you’d stop talking in riddles!

Roy Ice turning brown if you cook it?

Dot Eh, someone from Panasonic rang today … …

Roy Oh don’t tell me! Let me guess. He suggested you took some ice, cook it for three minutes, and hey presto, you’ve got a big, wet, bloody waterfall in your kitchen!

Dot How do you know that?

Roy Because it wasn’t Pana-fuckin’-sonic! It was Radio fuckin’ Humberside!

Dot Well how the bloody hell did they get this number?

Roy I don’t know … Someone from your family has to … … …

Roy stops in his tracks and looks at Raymond. He slaps him across the head.

Raymond What was that for?

Roy You little bastard! You rang ‘em didn’t you?

Raymond What? What you talking about?

Dot looks at Dean who is smirking.

Dot You little bugger!

Dot clips Dean around the head.

Dean What?

The Collinson’s all argue leaving the scene with a cacophony of sound.

Scene 8

Set in the lobby outside the bathroom and toilet. Dean flushes the chain and exits the toilet. He walks into the bathroom and checks the steaming bath.

54 Dean Dad!

Dean turns and exits the bathroom into the camera.

Dean Dad your bath’s ready!

Cut to the lounge. Roy is sat in a bathrobe reading the paper. Dot is watching Coronation Street.

Roy Right I won’t be long. John Wayne’s on after this.

Rachel Do we have to watch another Cowboy?

Roy No, you can go to bed!

Roy gets up and heads for the bath. He enters the bathroom, drops his towel, turns around and slides the door closed. Cut to Roy climbing in to the hot bath, holding his testicles as he lowers himself in.

Roy Hoohh! … … Aaahhh!

Roy starts scrubbing himself down. He reaches up and puts the soap next to the goldfish bowl, on the window ledge. Cut to Dean and Raymond playing Scalextric in Dean’s bedroom. Dean’s car comes off the track.

Dean Stop!

Raymond lets go of his trigger. Dean goes to put his car back on. Raymond Have you ever put your wet tongue on the metal strips when you press this?

Dean No don’t be daft. Why?

Raymond Well, it’s supposed to be what sex feels like.

Dean Don’t be stupid!

Raymond No seriously. (Boasting) They’re not far wrong as well!

Dean You haven’t? Who? Who was it?

Raymond That’s not important. What’s important is whether you’re too scared to try it?

Dean I’m not scared!

55 Raymond Go on then. Prove it! Go on!

Dean slowly lowers his tongue onto the track. Raymond grips his throttle tighter. As Dean’s tongue touches the track Raymond hits the throttle. Dean shudders, screaming. Dean Ah! Turn it off you bastard! Turn it off!

Cut to Roy washing his hair. He submerges himself under the water. The music sets the scene as if something is going to happen. Suddenly Roy springs up (Scaring us all). He then reaches up for the soap. His hands wander over the goldfish bowl then away from it. Clumsily grabbing for the soap he pulls the goldfish bowl into the bath. The fish escape and touch and swim frantically around Roy. Roy Aahh … Dot! Dot quick! Dean, Raymond! Dot!!

Dot and the kids come running to see what’s going on.

Dot What the friggin’ hell’s going on in here?

Roy is jumping up and down in the bath.

Roy There’s bloody fish! There’s bloody fish in there!

Rachel looks up at her goldfish bowl

Rachel You murderer! You’ve boiled me fish!

Everyone looks at where the goldfish bowl once was then down at the bath. There are three dead floating goldfish on the surface.

Roy What? It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t know the bloody things were up there!

END OF EPISODE

56 The Collinson’s! ( N e i g h b o u r s f r o m H e l l )

Episode 4

Opening Scene

The scene is set in Roy and Dot’s bedroom. It is late and they’ve just gone to bed. Dot has her hair in rollers. Roy farts loudly as he tries to get his oats. Dot You dirty git! Get your hands off me you filthy pervert!

Roy I’m only getting close. Go on give us a kiss.

Dot turns over and kisses Roy on the lips.

Dot There, now go to sleep!

She turns back over. Roy reflects.

Roy That tasted as sweet as the first kiss we ever had.

Dot Oh yeah … down on the beach at Filey Butlin’s.

Roy No!

Dot Oh no, that wasn’t you.

Roy just looks at Dot hurt. Dot turns around again.

Dot I’m only teasing you, you silly sod!

They start canoodling. Four loud drunken youths approach walking down the street. Dot What’s that?

Cut to the youths being boisterous. They stop outside the Collinson’s house. The front garden has two Stalks in it, three garden gnomes and a wishing well. The youths take the piss.

David What the fucking hell is that?

Steven An adventure playground for gnomes!

Dillon What the hell are these?

57 Dillon jumps up onto the garden and tugs at a Stalk.

Mark See if they fly.

Roy watches through his window. He is naked.

Roy The little bastards!

Dot What?

Roy Wait here!

Roy exits the bedroom and opens the front door. He switches the garden spotlight on. Mark and Dillon are pulling up the Stalks. The other two are chipping the gnomes by throwing stones at them.

Roy Oi, Piss off before I come out there and teach you all a lesson!

The lads look and laugh at him as he is stark bollock naked.

Steven Go back to bed you dirty old sod!

Roy loses his temper and marches after them.

Roy Right that’s it, you’ve been warned. Come here!

As quick as a flash Roy runs after them and grabs hold of Dillon and Mark almost immediately. David and Steven start to head for Roy, as Dillon and Mark struggle. Roy Keep still you … …

Roy bangs their heads together and they pass out. David and Steven stop in their tracks. Roy Come on you little buggers. You’re next!

The lads scarper. Roy starts chasing them down the street. A neighbour looks out of her bedroom window and sees a mad naked man running and screaming. She goes to her phone and calls the police.

Neighbour Hello is that the Police? There’s a mad, naked man, running up Ferriby high road, screaming blue murder … Will you? Good … Ok, two minutes. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Cut back to the two lads running up the street. David turns off into the farmer’s field while Mark carries on closely pursued by Roy. A car passes them as they run. The car screeches to a halt as Roy trips up Mark. Mark gets to his feet and raises his arms to protect himself. Roy lays him out cold. The man in his car fumbles for his camera in a professional camera case. It is obvious he is a photographer. Cut back to Roy chasing David through the Farmer’s field.

58 Roy Come here you little bastard!

David turns around and swipes at Roy.

David Fuck off!

He misses and consequently gets floored by Roy.

Roy Cocky little sod!

Cut to Roy dragging Mark back by his hair, carrying a comatosed David on his shoulder. The same two Police officers pull up outside the house as Roy ties all four of the youths up. He is still naked.

Officer 2 You! (To his partner) I don’t believe it!

Roy looks at the two coppers.

Roy There you go, even done your job for you. Take ‘em away!

Cut to the photographer setting his camera.

Officer 1 Mr Collinson you can’t be taking the law into your own hands! … And put some clothes on!

Roy realises he is naked and grabs his bits. There’s a flash as the photographer takes a picture.

OPENING CREDITS TO THE SONG ‘ O R D I N A R Y M A N’

Scene 2

Set the next morning in the Collinson’s kitchen. Roy, Dot, Raymond and Rachel are sat at the table eating their breakfast. Dean enters slapping the papers down onto the table. Roy is front page news holding his testicles. The headlines read ‘Knackers to you! You’re not touching my gnomes!’

Dean Always knew you’d make it before me! Just didn’t think it’d be in porn.

Roy looks sternly at Dean. He picks the paper up then gradually relaxes into laughter. All the Collinson’s follow. Roy I can’t believe it. I’m on the front page. Me with my knackers hanging out!

Dot One for the photo Album!

59 Raymond I’m really gonna get the piss taken out of me at school now.

Roy clips Raymond around the head. Roy Will you stop bloody swearing!

Dot I wonder who he gets it from!

Roy Don’t look at me!

Dot So what are you up today?

Roy I’ve got to go down to this building site and pick some boards up.

Dot What building site?

Roy Darley’s round about. Ron reckons anyone can just walk in with an overhaul on and nick what they want.

Dot What do you want boards for?

Roy For when I build the extension.

Raymond I don’t know why we don’t just move into Capper Pass, after all most of the house more or less belongs to them!

Roy clips Raymond around the head.

Roy Eh! Don’t go shooting that out for all and sundry to hear.

Dot Will you stop hitting him on the head!

Raymond (Rubbing his head) There’s only us here!

Roy That’s not the point!

Dean Can we come?

Dot No you can’t!

Roy Yeah, if you’re quick.

60 Rachel Can I come?

Dot If they’re going you can.

Roy No you can’t!

Rachel Why? That’s not fair!

Roy Life isn’t fair. Get over it!

Scene 3

Roy is pulling up outside the building site in his Cortina. He gets out and puts dodgy plates on his car. Raymond and Dean are hiding under a blanket. Roy gets back in the car. Roy Right keep your heads down. I’ll tell you when it’s clear.

The boys pull the blanket over them. Roy reaches over the back seat and throws some electric tools on the blanket covering Dean and Raymond. He stops as the security guard checks him. Roy Alright Fella?

Guard Can I have your name please.

Roy Randle, Luke Randle from er … Earls Cement.

The guard looks down his list.

Guard Don’t seem to have you here.

Roy No you won’t. The big boss called me ten minutes ago and told me to drop these off.

Guard Who Rudkin’s?

Roy Erm … yeah … He said I was to drop these off and take some boards or something around to his house for his extension.

The Guard fills in the details and takes the registration. Guard I don’t know how many times you have to tell these bloody managers. Ring through with any additional names. It not rocket science! Taking boards home for his extension you say? Huh, and they’re on the bloody take and all!

61 Roy How the other half live eh?

Guard You’re not wrong. Forty years I worked for the same company. Then out of the blue I get called in to the office and thanked for all me hard work. Told me they had to save some bread, make some dough. Keep some back, let some go. You know what I mean?

Roy is getting a little impatient.

Roy Aye … …

Guard So, I ended up here. A bloody security guard!

Roy Tell me about it! Alright, see in a minute.

Roy drives off leaving the security guard welling in his sorrows. Roy Right we’re through. Raymond you help me load the boards.

Raymond Onto what?

Roy looks back at his trailer that’s not there.

Roy Bugger, I’ve left the trailer!

He looks around and spots a red trailer on site.

Roy On that over there! Dean you have look round. If you see anything worth taking put it in your bag.

Dean What if I get caught?

Roy Then run you silly Pratt!

Cut to Roy and Raymond filling the trailer up with boards. Raymond Are you going to bring the trailer back afterwards?

Roy Knackers to that! I’ll paint it and sell it in the paper! ‘Ere look, get those Perspex sheets, they’re always handy.

Cut to Dean looking around the building site. He discovers a Hilty gun. He picks it up and presses the trigger. He is pushed back as the gun fire’s a nail into the wall.

62 Dean Bloody hell!

Dean gets up and shoves a load of Hilty gun blank bullets into his pocket. Roy shouts for him.

Roy Dean! Dean come on we’re off!

As Dean turns to exit the unfinished house he notices a puppy dog looking inquisitively out from a cardboard box. Dean goes over and picks the dog up.

Dean Hello there … Good boy … What’s your name then?

Cut to Roy and Raymond

Roy’s Voice Dean! Move your self we’re off!

Cut to Dean Dean I’m coming!

Dean puts the dog inside his jacket and runs out back to the car. Dean Coming!

Cut to inside the car on the way home.

Roy So, did you get anything?

Dean No, there was nowt to take!

Dean shows Raymond a hand full of bullets. Raymond mouths the words. Raymond What are them?

Dean (Mouthing back) Bullets!

Roy Tidy workmen. I hate ‘em.

The puppy lets out a high-pitched bark. Roy looks through his centre mirror. Roy What the hell was that?

Dean I found it on the building site. It needed looking after.

Roy What the bloody hell do we need a shit machine for?

Raymond I wouldn’t worry. Given your track record with animals, it’ll be dead within a week.

63 Roy Well I’m frigged if I’m taking it for a walk!

Raymond What about calling it Jaws!

Dean Yeah, that’s cool.

Roy It’s a dog not a bloody fish!

Raymond No, after the new James Bond baddy.

Dean Can we stop and show nana Gladys it?

Roy Aye if you want.

Raymond See if she wants to come home with us.

Roy Aye, it’ll be a nice surprise for your mam.

Scene 4

Set outside Gladys’s house. Roy Raymond and Dean are knocking on the door. Gladys answers without her teeth in.

Gladys (Slightly inaudible) Who is it?

Roy opens to door and enters followed by Dean and Raymond.

Roy Right, Gladys get your things we’ve come to pick you up.

Gladys squints to see who it is. She hasn’t got her glasses on.

Gladys Acky? Is that you?

Dean No it’s Roy Nanna.

Gladys Don’t be so bloody stupid you’re too young to be Roy!

Raymond picks her glasses up and hands it to her.

Raymond No, that was Dean, I’m Raymond and these are your glasses!

Gladys puts her glasses on and focuses.

64 Gladys Oh Hiya love! What you doing here?

Roy For Christ sake Gladys, put your teeth in so we can at least understand you.

Gladys puts her teeth in and smartens herself up, by licking her hand and flattening her hair. The puppy that Dean is holding jumps from his hands and runs over to Gladys and starts shagging her foot.

Gladys Eh! Where the hell did that come from?

Raymond Just got him.

Dean Jaw’s get down

Roy (Laughing away) Looks like you’ve still got it Gladys.

Raymond Jaws come here

Dean What’s it doing?

Gladys Do want a cup of tea?

Dean No thanks Nana.

Roy No we don’t! It always tastes like cats piss when you make it.

Gladys Cheeky sod!

Dean We’ve just got a puppy Gladys.

Gladys Have you? Where from.

Raymond Darley’s building s… …

Roy Pet shop you silly old sod. Anyhow come on, I’ve got to get going, I’m late for work so come on get your things.

Gladys gets her things together. She feels a bit flustered. Gladys There’s a surprise! (To Dean) So where’s the puppy?

65 Raymond Asleep in the car.

Gladys And what is it?

Roy A friggin’ dog you deaf old sod!

Gladys I know that clever shit but what type?

Dean It’s a Mongol

Raymond Mongrel you idiot!

Roy Right come on, lets go!

Roy pushes them out of the door.

Scene 5

The Collinson’s kitchen. Rachel is making another Time capsule to bury the goldfish. Dot is doing the washing up.

Dot You can’t put three dead fish in that. You’ll gas whoever opens it.

Rachel I can’t believe they’re dead! I’ve only had ‘em. two weeks.

Dot Well you know what father’s like when it comes to animals.

The car horn sounds as Roy, Gladys, Raymond and Dean drive up the driveway.

Rachel Yeah, a murderer!

Dot He didn’t mean it Rache. It was an accident.

Gladys enters the back door followed by Roy and the kids.

Gladys Hiya Racker!

Rachel Hiya Nana.

Dot Oh Hiya Mam. This is a surprise.

Gladys goes over to Rachel and gives her a big wet kiss. Rachel tries to wipe her face without Gladys noticing.

66 Gladys Whoof! I don’t like that perfume you’re wearing!

Rachel It’s three dead fish.

Gladys Well I wouldn’t go wearing it again it doesn’t suit you.

Rachel No! Me dad killed me fish last night.

Roy Look, I told you I’m sorry, didn’t I? … Anyhow we’ve got you something to replace them.

Dean We’ve? I got it not you.

Dot Got what?

Dean opens his jacket to reveal the little mongrel puppy.

Rachel Oh it’s beautiful. We’ll call it … …

Raymond It’s called Jaws!

Dot You can’t call a little thing like that Jaws.

Raymond Tuff cos that’s what it’s called!

Roy And not only that. I’ve been thinking.

Gladys That’s a bit dangerous for you isn’t it Roy?

Roy What? … Anyhow, yeah I thought we could maybe trade in that no good piece of mutton in the garden and swap it for a pony. Who knows, maybe that might eat the bloody grass.

Rachel A pony! Really?

Dot How much is that gonna cost?

Roy After selling the goat? About fifty quid!

67 Dot And where the bloody hell we gonna get fifty quid from?

Roy From the trailer.

Dot What trailer?

Roy (pointing) The one I just nicked to bring these board’s home on. I’ll put it in paper tonight.

Rachel I’m gonna call it Tinkerbell.

Dean You can’t call an horse Tinkerbell!

Rachel Can!

Gladys (Holding the Kettle) Who wants a cup of tea?

They all rush to take the kettle from Gladys as they speak over each other.

All No it’s ok. I’ll make it!

Scene 6

Cut to Raymond, Dean, Phillip and Grant (Identical twins) in Roy’s garage. Dean is throwing bullets at the wall as the others cower.

Dean Why aren’t they working? They we’re really loud at the building site.

Phillip I saw in a film once, someone put a bullet in a tube and hit it with an 'ammer!

Dean That’s a good idea. Here Raymond, put one in the vice and hit it with that Hammer over there!

Raymond Why me?

Dean Cos you’re the oldest!

Raymond Fuck off I’m not that stupid!

Dean Why not? It’s only gonna hit the ground you big baby! Anyhow if you do I’ll give

68 you an extra week to pay us that fiver back.

Raymond How do you know it’s not gonna blow up in my face!

Dean Don’t be stupid! Here you big girl, put my coat on top of yours for extra protection.

Raymond Protection from what?

Dean I don’t know radiation! Now get on with it and stop being a poof!

Raymond You’re the poof! Stand back.

Dean moves back. Raymond lifts up the hammer.

Dean Hang on. Lets put this in front of us as if we’re in a laboratory.

Dean picks up the sheet Perspex that Roy had nicked from the building site. The two twins help hold it in front of their faces.

Raymond Right are you ready? After three. One … Two …

Raymond brings the hammer down igniting the bullet. There is a huge explosion. Cut to Dean and the twins stood behind a now pitted Perspex sheet. As the smoke disperses, Raymond is stood bewildered, holding the hammer.

Dean Excellent! … Are you alright?

Raymond just looks at Dean. Slowly blood drips from his arms and down his face. He has several shracknel wounds. He slowly touches his forehead and looks at the blood.

Dean Eh our kid, are you alright?

Raymond slowly falls backwards, passing out. On his way down he catapults a load of wrench heads towards Dean and his friends. Finally finishing off with the oil greaser squirting thick grease at the perspex guard.

Dean Shit! Quick get some water!

The three boys panic, trying to look for water. Eventually Dean picks up an old container of turpentine and throws it over Raymond. Raymond wakes up immediately as the turps gets into his wounds.

Raymond What the fuck did you do that for? (Smelling his clothes) I smell like a bloody petrol station.

69 Dean I thought you was dead!

Raymond You’ll be bleedin’ dead when I get hold of you.

Raymond passes out again as he tries to get hold of Dean.

Grant I’ll go get your Mum!

Dean No hang on, she’ll kill us if she finds out we’ve been playing with bullets.

Phillip But if we don’t he could die!

Dean thinks for a minute.

Dean I’ve got an idea! Grant you go get me Mum. Phillip, give us an 'and carrying Raymond to the greenhouse.

Grant goes to fetch Dot. Dean and Phillip pick Raymond up and walk him into the Greenhouse. Dean looks around and picks a brick up.

Dean Quick before me mam comes!

Dean pulls Phillip out of the Greenhouse and throws the brick through the top of greenhouse roof. The brick falls on Raymond’s stomach, winding him. Dot comes rushing out with Grant, followed by Rachel and Gladys.

Dot What the friggin’ hell’s going on?

Dean Our Raymond fell off the garage roof through the greenhouse.

Gladys What was he doing up there in the first place?

Phillip He was getting the football Mrs Collinson. Grant kicked it up there.

Grant No I didn’t.

Dean Yes you did!

Grant No I didn’t!

Dot takes care of Raymond. She smells the turps on him.

70 Dot I don’t care who …(Smelling the turps) What the bloody hell’s he got over him? He smells like a tin of paint!

Dean Dad left a carton of old turps on the floor, you know what he’s like.

Dot Well don’t just stand there! help me get him in the car.

Dean, Phillip and Dot pick Raymond up.

Gladys Watch the glass our Dean.

They walk him slowly to the car.

Dot Rachel. Get some water and some plasters. Gladys you can clean the wounds as I’m driving him to the hospital. Rache, bring the air freshener as well, he stinks!

Scene 7

Set in the accident and emergency dept of the hospital. A Pakistani doctor is pulling out bits of shracknel from Raymond. Dot, Gladys, Dean and Rachel are crowded around watching. Doctor So you fell through a greenhouse?

Raymond (Confused) No … …

Dean Yeah, he was getting the ball from the garage roof.

Doctor Is that right? So why do you smell like Petrol station?

Raymond He through … …

Dean My Dad left an old carton of turps in the greenhouse … and he fell on it.

The Doctor doesn’t believe a word of it as he takes another piece of shracknel out of his arm.

Doctor Is that so?

Dot ‘Ere Gladys, Look how the blood’s stained the bits of glass brown!

71 Gladys rummages around for her glasses. She takes out a hanky and puts it on the bed that Raymond is sat on. She then does the same with her blusher, Some old boiled sweets and whatever else is in there.

Doctor You’re going to need a least a stitch in each of these wounds.

The Doctor stops what he’s doing and just looks at what Gladys is doing in disbelief. Gladys then takes her teeth out of the bag and goes to put them on the bed. There is no room left, so she hands them to the doctor who instinctively takes them from her. Realising what they are, he drops them onto the floor. Gladys eventually puts on her glasses and sees her teeth on the floor. She picks them up, brushes them across her trousers to clean, and puts them in her mouth.

Gladys Doesn’t look like glass to me!

Gladys takes her teeth out and peels away an old boiled sweet from underneath them.

Gladys Mind you … (Putting her teeth back in) I hope you’re better at stitching then you are at holding!

Doctor Look, do you mind if you just all wait outside. I really do need to concentrate.

The Doctor tries to move them all out of his room and into the corridor.

Rachel Do you eat people?

The bewildered Doctor looks at Rachel. Dot gives her a tug.

Dot He’s not one of them, He’s like Paki Pete!

They exit the room as the Doctor closes the door behind them. Doctor Right! Are you going to tell me what really happened?

Scene 8

Set in the car. Rachel, Gladys and Dean are sat it the back, while a bandaged Raymond is in the front passenger seat. Dot is Driving.

Dean Thirteen stitches! Wow that’s unlucky.

Raymond just looks evilly at Dean.

Dot Serves yourself bloody right! You’ll probably be going back for some more when your father gets hold of you.

Raymond A bit of sympathy wouldn’t go a miss!

72 Gladys Take no notice of ‘em Raymond. ‘Ere have one of me boiled sweets.

Gladys offers Raymond one of her dodgy sticky sweets.

Raymond No thanks Nana … I’m on a diet.

Gladys Suit yourself. Anyone else?

Dean and Rachel (Pulling a face) No thanks!

Dot pulls up at a butchers shop.

Dot I’m just gonna get some liver for your tea’s.

Gladys I’ll get out as well. I need some tripe for tomorrow.

Dean I hate liver!

Raymond So do I!

Dot No you don’t it’s good for you! And it’s your fathers favourite.

Rachel Can I come?

Dot Yeah, just be careful getting out the car.

Dot, Gladys and Rachel get out the car and enter the butchers. Dean climbs over to the drivers seat and turns the radio on. He presses loads of buttons including the cigarette lighter.

Dean God, you stink!

Dean picks up the air freshener and sprays it.

Raymond (Insinuating) I wonder why that is?

Dean What do you mean? I saved your life!

The cigarette lighter clicks out. Raymond takes it out and threatens Dean

Raymond And when I get better, I’m gonna take yours you little prick!

73 Dean pushes the lighter away. Raymond drops it. It catches his jacket shoulder alight.

Raymond Now look what you’ve gone and done?

Raymond panics and tries to put his shoulder out with his good arm. Dean instinctively sprays the air freshener at the flame to put it out. However, this makes matters worse as the spray ignites as well, setting the car’s front seat on fire. Raymond and Dean panic and jump out the car. Cut to the inside of the butchers. Dot is ordering her meat as, through the window, Dean has pulling Raymond’s jacket off and rolling him on the floor, to put him out. The inside of the Cortina is on fire.

Butcher That’ll be two pounds exactly.

Suddenly there is a huge explosion as the Collinson’s car bonnet flies up and is engulfed in flames. Everyone in the shop just looks on. Dot can’t believe her eyes. She looks at Dean and Raymond rolling about the floor.

Dot You little bleeders!

Dot exits the butchers and starts beating Dean and Raymond up out side. Gladys also exits to try and calm her down. The butcher comes running out the shop with a pale of water and throws it on the car.

END OF EPISODE

74 The Collinson’s! ( N e i g h b o u r s f r o m H e l l )

Episode 5

Opening Scene

Roy is driving a bus full of drunken supporters home from a Rugby match. They are all singing Rugby Songs as Roy conducts the naff choir while trying to drive. He is all over the road.

Everyone We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lilly the Pink the Pink the Pink. To save her all, the human race. For we invented medicinal compound … … …

Roy (Singing badly) La la la la la … (Turning to face the passengers) in every way.

The bus swerves to the middle of the road as Roy turns around to conduct the lad’s choir. A car beeps its horn and has to swerve to miss the buss.

Passenger 1 Bloody hell!

Passenger 2 Don’t you think you should concentrate on your driving instead of your singing?

Roy There’s nowt wrong with me driving. I’ve been driving for years! I could drive this with me eyes closed.

Passenger 1 You obviously are!

Roy gets ‘em all singing again.

Roy Come on and again. (Singing badly) We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lilly the Pink the Pink the Pink la la la la …

Cut to the back of the bus. Four lads are drinking cans of larger. Passenger 3 I’m dying for a pee!

Passenger 5 So am I.

Passenger 4 Go ask if he’ll stop at the next service station.

Passenger 5 We’ve only got five minutes to go.

Passenger 3 Fuck that, I can’t wait I’ll piss myself!

75 Passenger 4 Use your empty can.

Passenger 3 You must be joking. The way he’s swaying I’ll never aim in that. I’ll finish up cutting the end of me knob off!

Cut back to Roy. Roy My old man said follow the van and don’t dilly dally on the way … …

The bus stops singing as Roy tries to change the song.

Passenger 2 That’s not a Rugby song!

Roy No but it’s a good’n. Me son’s just learnt it on his Accordion.

Cut back to the back of the bus. Passenger 4 takes a crash helmet from the top luggage rack.

Passenger 4 Here, what about this. We could pee in this!

Passenger 3 Who’s is it?

Passenger 4 I don’t know.

Passenger 5 Some poor bugger’s got to put that on his head.

They all laugh. Passenger 3 Wish I had a camera.

Cut back to Roy. Roy ‘Ere, here’s a good’n and its new. (Singing) We are the champions my friends … La la la coming to the end …

Everyone joins in again. Cut back to the back of the bus. Passengers 3,4,and 5 are taking it in turns to pee into the helmet.

Passenger 3 God I needed that!

Passenger 4 Here, don’t spill any.

Passenger 5 takes the helmet and starts to pee in it.

Passenger 5 Is there any more beer?

76 Passenger 3 Yeah, what do you want Tetley’s or Double Diamond?

Passenger 5 Tetley's.

Passenger 4 When I was at school, I once pissed in a bottle and told this kid it was orange juice.

Passenger 5 He didn’t drink it?

Passenger 4 He did. Threw his guts up all over the school’s dining hall.

Passenger 3 You dirty bastard!

A passenger comes round with a hat to collect for the driver. Passenger 5 carefully puts the helmet back in luggage rack.

Another Passenger Collection for the driver.

Passenger 3 I hope it’s not for his singing!

They all get thrown forward as Roy breaks suddenly. Cut to Roy.

Roy Silly Pratt! I wish you’d make your mind up what side of the road you’re on!

Passenger 1 He probably would if he knew what side you were on!

Cut back to the lads. Roy starts to sing badly again.

Passenger 4 I’d rather tip his singing. It’s a damn sight better then his driving.

The lads throw in a pound note each. Cut to Roy pulling into the bus yard.

Roy There you go. Back safe and sound!

The bus stops as Roy grates the gears. The doors open and everyone gets off, thanking Roy as they do.

Passenger There you go mate. That’s for some singing lessons! Thanks for an interesting trip.

Roy (Laughing) There’s nowt wrong with my singing you cheeky sod!

77 Cut to them all leaving the yard singing away to themselves. Cut back to Roy sweeping out the bus. He gets his bags together and takes out his keys for his moped. He counts his tips then looks around for his crash helmet. He reaches up and puts the helmet onto his head. He gets drenched in Urine.

Roy Urhh!

He puts his finger to his mouth to taste. Realising what it is he starts to gag violently.

Roy The dirty little bastards!

Roy takes his helmet off and throws it on the ground in temper.

Roy The friggin', dirty little friggin' bastards!

Roy scrumages around to find some newspaper.

Cut to Roy riding his moped home in the middle of the night. There is newspaper flying off from the inside of his helmet. He is violently gagging as he drives home, swerving all over the place. Cut to inside a police car. Two coppers are drinking their coffee as this mad driver speeds past them, littering newspaper from his helmet.

Police officer 2 What the hell’s that?

The police follow in pursuit. They turn their Blue light on and sound a short burst of their siren. Roy ignores them. They drive up to the side of him and signal him to pull over. Newspaper sticks to the windscreen of the police car. Roy eventually pulls over. As the police officers get out the car. Roy keels over and gags yet again. The police can’t believe their eyes until they realise who it is.

Police officer 1 You!

Roy Don’t start, not tonight, cos I’ve had it up to here!

Police officer 2 What the hell do you think you’re doing? Littering the streets and driving around like Barry bloody Sheen!

Police officer 1 Have you been drinking?

Roy Drinking! I’m covered in some buggers piss from head to foot and you ask me if I’ve been friggin’ drinking!

Police officer 1 I think you better change your attitude … …

Police officer 2 … … And your language!

78 Police officer 1 … … Mr Collinson!

Roy Look I’m not being rude but don’t pantranize me cos I’m not in the mood for it!

Police officer 1 Patronize!

Roy Eh?

Police officer 2 I think you’ll find the word is Patronize!

Roy Whatever, … but I’m telling you … (Remounting his moped) I’m going home so if you wanna lock me up, you better lock me up now!

OPENING CREDITS TO THE SONG ‘ O R D I N A R Y M A N’

Scene 2

Cut to inside a police cell. Roy is asleep on the bed as the cell door is opened.

Police officer Right were dropping the charges due to the circumstances. You’re free to go.

Roy is obviously fuming but he is trying desperately to bite his tongue. He picks up his helmet and walks out the cell. The Officer winces at the smell of him. Police officer I think a bath wouldn’t go a miss!

Scene 3

Set in the Collinson’s kitchen. Dot, Gladys and the kids are eating breakfast. Roy walks in looking like he’s been to hell and back. Gladys gets up to make him a cup of tea.

Dot Where the friggin’ hell you been?

Raymond Urh, you stink of piss!

Roy clips Raymond around the head.

Roy How many times do I have to tell you about your bloody language? (To Dot) I spent the night in a friggin’ Police cell!

79 Dot Eh?

Roy You heard me! Some little bugger on the bus last night pi... (Looking at Raymond who is oblivious, then back at Dot) urinated in me helmet.

Raymond Told you it was piss.

Roy Oi! Are you looking for a permanent dent in your head?

Dot So how the bloody hell did you manage to finish up in a police cell?

Roy I got stopped by those two clever shit copper's that were round here the other night! And when I told ‘em I wasn’t taking any crap, they arrested me.

Roy notices Raymond’s arm. Roy What you done to your arm?

Dean He fell through the greenhouse.

Roy clips Raymond again around the head.

Roy What have I told you about climbing on the bloody roof!

Dot Watch his head he’s got three stitches in it.

Roy If I’m not sick and fed up of you bleeding kids costing me money! Do you know how much it’s gonna cost me to fix it?

Dot A lot more then you think!

Roy What do you mean?

Dot That’s not all that’s happened.

Roy Oh what now?

Gladys Here Roy, sit down and drink your cup of tea.

80 Rachel They blew your car up dad.

Dean Shut up tell tale!

Roy Blew me? … They what!!!

Dot When Raymond fell through the greenhouse he fell into some paint remover. And on the way home from the hospital they were playing with the cigarette lighter and he accidentally caught fire.

Dean It was an accident Dad, honest!

Roy Accident?

Dot And when they got out the car. It somehow blew up!

Roy Somehow friggin’ blew up!

Roy takes a sip of his Tea. He immediately spits it out.

Roy Jesus, that tastes worse then I smell!

Scene 4

Set in a café in Hull town centre. Dot has been shopping with Gladys and the Kids. Dot Right who wants what?

Rachel Can I have a banana split and a glass of water?

Raymond I’ll have chips and a Coke.

Dot No you won’t you’ll have chips and tap water. I’m not made of money!

Raymond I don’t know why you bothered asking then!

Gladys (Without her teeth)A Hap a cup of ea and a piesh a sheesecake.

Dot Eh?

Gladys (With her teeth) I said I’ll have a cup of tea and a piece of cheesecake.

81 Gladys takes her teeth back out.

Dean I’ll have an ‘ot chocolate and a Kitkat.

Raymond How come he’s allowed two things?

Dean Cos both mine come to the same price as your chips dickhead!

Gladys (Putting her teeth back in and nudging Dean) Hey, watch your language our Dean!

Waitress Anything else?

Dot Yeah, another tea and chocolate éclair please.

Waitress That’ll be three pound twenty-five pence then please.

Dot Bloody hell, that’s expensive. (Getting her money out) I don’t know what this world's coming to I’m sure!

The waitress rings up the amount in the till and gives Dot her change back. Dot puts the change back in her purse.

Dot Right Dean, Rachel, go find two tables next to each other. Raymond you help carry the drinks over. I’ll look after Gladys.

Gladys (Putting her teeth back in) You don’t have to look after me.

Raymond Why don’t just keep you bloody teeth in it'll be better for all of us.

Dot Eh watch your language!

Dean I’m just gonna go to the bog.

Dot It’s toilet if you don’t mind!

Dean Whatever, I’m just going for a slash!

Dean exits to the toilets. Dot sighs.

82 Dot They’ll be the bloody death of me, they will.

Raymond puts Dean’s Kitkat in his jacket pocket and picks up the three drinks and a plate of chips in his two hands.

Gladys Use a try Raymond.

Raymond No I’m alright, I’d only have to take it back.

Dot Don’t bloody drop ‘em!

Raymond I won’t.

Dot takes a tray with two tea’s, two cakes and banana split across to the table that Rachel is sat at. Raymond struggles taking his, dropping a few chips and spilling some drink on the way to his table next door. He puts everything down and gives Rachel her water. He then goes back and picks up the chips from the floor that fell off his plate. He puts them back onto his plate. Dot You’re not eating them!

Raymond I am I’m hungry!

Gladys Told you to use a tray didn’t I?

Rachel He’s an idiot! He never listens.

Raymond Shut up you!

A male, old aged pensioner carrying a tray with a Kitkat, cup of tea and a cake approaches Raymond at his table.

Pensioner Would you mind if I sat here?

Raymond No, help yourself.

The pensioner puts the contents of his tray onto the table and sits down putting the tray onto the floor. Dean comes back from the toilet. He looks at his hot chocolate that is half empty. Dean Who’s been drinking me chocolate?

Dot No one. He spilt half of it carrying it to the table.

Dean You idiot!

83 Dean sits down opposite Raymond, next to the old man. He takes a sip from his drink. The Collinson’s all start tucking in. The pensioner is wearing thick NHS glasses, reading the instructions of his Greasian 2000. Dean opens the kitkat on the table and breaks off a stick. He dips it into his chocolate to melt then sucks the chocolate coating off of the biscuit.

Dean I love melted chocolate!

Dot This cheesecake’s nice!

Gladys It is. Is it lemon?

Dot No Mam, Strawberry that's why it's red.

Gladys Well it’s nice anyhow.

Raymond These chips are crap!

Dean Why what’s wrong with ‘em?

Raymond They’re soggy like they’ve been microwaved.

Dot Well if they hadn’t seen you drop ‘em all over the floor you could have taken ‘em back! Now get ‘em eat they’re good for you!

Gladys Did you get your money back from your microwave Dot?

Dot No I didn’t!

Dean They said they weren’t designed for melting that much ice in.

Dot She wasn’t talking to you clever shit!

The pensioner reaches over to the Kitkat and breaks a finger off and eats it. Dean can’t believe his eyes. He looks at Raymond who smirks. Dean reaches over to the Kitkat, breaks another piece off, dips it into his chocolate and eats it. The pensioner looks over the top of his glasses at the Kitkat puzzled. He then reaches over and takes the last piece. Again Dean can’t believe his eyes at the cheek of it. He looks at Raymond who is trying not to wet himself with laughter.

Dot Right come on then. Better get home and get you fathers tea on the table for when he gets back from work!

84 Rachel Did he get a new car today?

Dot Yeah, it needs a bit of work but the engines apparently in good condition.

Raymond What is it?

Dot Oh I don’t know a Loader or something … all I know is that it’s Russian!

Dean A Lada!

Dot Yeah that’s it!

Raymond I wouldn’t be seen dead in a Lada.

Dot Well as all this is your fault, I’d keep your mouth shut if I was you.

The Collinson’s gather their stuff together and start to exit the café.

Dean (To Raymond) I can’t believe the cheek of that old bugger!

Raymond I thought it was hysterical. Probably got Alzheimer’s or something … forgot it wasn’t his.

Dean Cheeky sod, I’ll show him. (To Dot) I’ve forgot something mam, won’t be a minute.

Dot Hurry up!

Dean goes back to the table. He picks up the pensioners cake and pushes it all in his mouth. The pensioner is taken aback. Dean smiles sarcastically at the old man, then runs out. All the café look on in disbelief. Cut to Dot, Glady’s, Raymond and Rachel exiting the café. Dean runs up and joins them. Dot What you eating?

Dean answers with his mouth half full.

Dean Nowt!

Raymond puts his hands into his jacket pocket. He feels the Kitkat in there.

Raymond Oh my God!

85 Dean What? Raymond pulls out Dean’s Kitkat.

Raymond This is yours!

Dean is shocked and looks back through the glass doors towards the old age pensioner. A waitress is at his table and he is pointing outside, obviously telling her what happened. Dean turns to Raymond.

Dean You idiot!

Raymond What?

Dean I've just gone and stuffed his cake in my mouth (To everyone) Come on then lets get going or we’ll miss the bus!

Raymond laughs as Dean marches off down the street.

Scene 4

Set in the Collinson’s back garden. Raymond, Dean and Rachel are playing ruff ‘n’ tumble with the dog. Dean Come on get it … over there!

Raymond Jaws come here … … Jaws! … Oi, you stupid mutt!

Rachel It’s not its fault. It obviously hasn’t been trained.

Raymond Who do you think you are, Barbara Woodhouse?

Dean Why don’t we train it? It could be our guard dog.

Raymond Guard dog? How are we gonna train it to do that?

Dean Easy. Go get a coat and a tea towel … Oh and some meat.

Rachel Meat?

Dean Yeah, to give an incentive.

Raymond Why do I have to go?

86 Dean Cos it’s your dog.

Raymond No it’s not, you found it.

Dean I know, but you chose the name and … it’s a present, I’m giving it to you.

Raymond What’s the catch?

Dean There is no catch. You bought Racha a Tortoise, I’m giving you a puppy.

Rachel Oh, but I wanna puppy.

Dean Shut up you’ve got a goat. (To Raymond) Go on then, get the stuff.

Raymond Thanks Dean!

Rachel But I don’t want a goat, they’re boring!

Dean You won’t have it for much longer, me father’s taking it to knackers yard.

Rachel No he’s not! He said he’s going to trade it in for a pony!

Dean Trade it in? It’s not a bloody car.

Dean’s attention is drawn to the puppy that is sat on his shoe taking a dump. Dean kicks it away. Dean Oi, you dirty bastard!

Raymond enters with a tea towel, a denim jacket and a string of sausages.

Rachel Urh, You’ve got dog poo all over your shoe. It stinks!

Dean chases the dog and kicks it up its rear smudging the mess over it.

Dean Oi come here! … … You little bugger!

Raymond (Laughing) Me dad was right … they are shit machines.

Dean Shut up you!

87 Raymond So what do I do with these?

Dean (Wiping the mess off of his shoe) Wrap the tea towel around the bottom of your arm and hand. Then put your jacket on.

Raymond Why me? Why don’t you do it?

Dean Cos it’s your dog stupid!

Rachel And your Jacket stupid!

Raymond Who ask you!

Dean takes the string of sausages and breaks off two. He starts to smudge one over the lower arm of Raymond’s Jacket.

Raymond What you doing? It’s me Denim Jacket.

Dean Shut up you puff, it’ll wash … The dogs got to have something to train it to bite.

Raymond Bite! What do you mean bite?

Dean That’s what a guide dog does you idiot, otherwise it wouldn’t be a guide dog!

Raymond It better not hurt!

Dean That’s why you’ve put the towel on dickhead, for extra protection.

Rachel Oh, I’m telling me Mam you said dickhead!

Dean Oh shut up you stupid cow! Go get Jaws!

Rachel No it’s covered in poo!

Dean Well you don’t have to pick it up!

Rachel reluctantly goes to fetch Jaws.

Dean Right, I’ll put him on a lead while you hide round the back of the garage.

88 Raymond What lead?

Dean (Picking up a piece of old string) I'll make this into a noose, It'll be just like a choker.

Raymond You better not strangle him!

Dean I won't! Anyhow, then when I say now, come out and act as if you’re breaking in the garage.

Raymond Act! I’m not an actor!

Dean Just pretend you idiot!

Raymond Alright, keep your hair on.

Dean Then … when it starts to run at you, stick your arm out and slowly start running away.

Raymond Why slowly? If someone was running away they’d leg it.

Dean Are you thick or what? We’re only just training it!

Raymond God you’re just like me father you are with your tempers.

Rachel screams for help as Jaws mounts her leg and starts to shag it.

Rachel Aarhh! Get it off me … Quick Mam … Someone help!

Raymond looks at Dean. Raymond At least it’s not queer.

Rachel (Screaming) Mam help! … Stop it quick! Mmaamm!!

Dot comes running out with a broom to see what’s going on.

Dot What the bloody hell’s going on?

Raymond Jaws is shagging our Rachel.

89 Dot chases the dog off of Rachel

Dot Eh! Go on get away you dirty pervert!

Dean It’s a dog mam!

Dot I don’t bloody care … Oof what’s that smell?

Raymond It’s Rachel. She’s got dog shit all up her leg.

Dot clips Raymond around his head. The dog has smudged its leftovers from Dean’s shoe, all over Rachel’s leg.

Dot What have I told you about bloody swearing!

Rachel (Crying) Mam!

Dot It’s alright love it’ll wash off. Come on lets get you cleaned up.

Dot takes Rachel to get her cleaned up. As she does, she notices the string of sausages on the grass. Dot Who’s been playing with me sausages?

Raymond It’s bait to train the dog.

Dot It bloody isn’t, it’s your father’s Tea! Prime Lincolnshire sausages they are. Do you know how much they cost?

Dot picks them up from the grass and takes them inside with Rachel. Dean and Raymond just look on. They look at each other and burst into laughter. Jaws starts to nibble at the sausage and a half left in Dean’s hand.

Dean Right, quick go on while I’ve got him. Go and hide.

Raymond Runs off to hide as Dean teases Jaws with the sausage.

Dean Come here … come on this is what you’ve got to find. (Shouting to Raymond) Alright now!

Raymond runs out from behind the garage screaming.

Raymond Aaarrhh!

90 Jaws just looks at him then starts nibbling the sausages in Dean's hand. Raymond again tries to look aggressive and screams louder. Raymond Aaarrhh!

Dean Hold your arm out towards him!

Raymond Aaarrhh you stupid mutt!

Dean Go on boy. Get him!

Jaws gets the scent of the meat and runs for Raymond.

Dean Right, turn around and slowly run away!

Raymond turns and runs away as the dog follows him, eventually catching him up. It jumps up and grabs his arm, shaking vigorously.

Raymond Aaarhh! Get it off me! It’s gonna eat me!

Raymond tries to shake Jaws free. Dean wolf whistles and the dog lets go and just stands growling and snarling away.

Raymond Good dog.

Raymond goes to pat Jaws on its head. Jaws jumps back up, biting his arm and starts to shake it again. Dean Not that arm you idiot!

Gladys enters the garden and calls to the boys.

Gladys Dean, Raymond! Come on your Dad’ll be home any minute and your Tea’s on the table.

Jaws lets go of Raymond’s arm and looks at Gladys. Raymond inspects his arm. His jacket sleeve is all ripped.

Raymond Bloody Savage.

Jaws licks his lips and watches Gladys walk back to the kitchen. Raymond starts to walk back. Suddenly Jaws makes a dash for Gladys. Dean bends down and calls the dog. Dean Here boy … Good dog.

The dog runs straight past Dean, making a beeline for Gladys.

Raymond Oi Jaws, where are you going?

Dean Nana watch …

Gladys turns around as the dog launches itself at her leg. Gladys tries to shake it free. Roy pulls up the drive in his new second hand Lada. Dean and

91 Raymond run to help Gladys. Dean throws the left over sausage onto the back door step and tries to get Jaws off of Gladys's leg. Jaws hangs on for dear life. Roy releases the bonnet and gets out his car carrying a set of jump leads. Gladys Get out of it you dirty little bugger!

Roy opens the bonnet and connects the jump leads to the car battery as Gladys and the boys struggle with jaws. He clips one end of the car battery to the dogs tail and the other end to its ear. The dog lets go of Gladys and shakes violently as it tries to escape.

Roy That'll teach you you little shit factory!

The dog starts to smoke. Dean Dad, you're killing it!

Raymond There's a surprise!

Roy sits down to take his boots off. He plonks himself on top of the sausages that Dean threw on the back step.

Roy (Struggling with his boot) No it won't, it'll just teach it a lesson. How are you Gladys?

Gladys There's bloody shit or something all over me leg!

Roy Well look on the bright side. I bet it's been a few years since something's last tried to have a stab at you! Even though it is a dog!

Gladys Well don't you be getting any ideas! (To the boys) Come on your tea's ready.

Gladys re-enters the house closely followed by Dean and Raymond. The dog is cooling itself down in a puddle near the dustbin. It is looking at Roy. Roy can't seem to pull one of his boots off so he stands up and tries to edge it off with his other foot. He bends down to pull it off when the dog notices the squashed sausages on Roy's crutch. The Dog jumps up and runs over to Roy. It launches itself at Roy's backside. Suddenly Roy screams for dear life. Roy Aaaarhhhh! Dot! Ddoott!!!

Dot comes running out followed by Gladys and the kids. Roy is dancing around screaming at the top of his voice with the dog hanging from his testicles snarling at him.

Raymond (To Dean) Maybe it is queer after all!

END OF EPISODE

92 The Collinson’s! ( N e i g h b o u r s f r o m H e l l )

Episode 6

Opening Scene

Dean is fishing at the local pond in Welton with his friend Darren Abbey. There is a new offspring of ducklings swimming with its mother in the pond. Darren has a new fishing rod but Dean only has a homemade broom handle with a catgut line, that his father made for him. Darren has already caught four fish but Dean hasn't caught any. Darren reels another one in.

Darren I've got another one. This rod's fantastic. Do you wanna go?

Dean No thanks. I'm gonna catch something with this if it's the last thing I do.

Darren Well I hope it's not serious.

Dean What?

Darren What you catch.

Dean's lost. Darren Forget it.

Dean struggles with his rod. We're led to believe he has caught a fish.

Dean Eh up I've got something.

Dean manually pulls the line in, expecting to find a fish at the end of it. Instead a rusty metal garden duck is attached. Darren starts to laugh as Dean throws his rod into the pond in a mood.

Darren Three hours and all you catch is a rusty duck.

Dean Get lost!

Darren Still it'll go well with your Dad's stalks and gnomes.

Dean Look, just get st...

Dean is about to push Darren in when he notices the ducklings.

93 Dean Hang on ... I've got an idea.

Darren What?

Dean I'll take one of those ducklings home instead. It'll be a lot more interesting in me pond then fish.

Darren You don't have a pond.

Dean [Imitating Roy] Why do you always have to complicate things? If I get a duckling you can help me dig one.

Darren No thanks, sounds too much like hard work. Anyhow, I bet you don't.

Dean How much?

Darren Five pounds.

Dean let's see it.

Darren I don't have it on me.

Dean I bet you don't even have it.

Darren Do!

Dean Prove it!

Darren I can't! Anyway I won't need it.

Dean If I catch a duckling you'll have to help me dig a pond!

Darren If you catch a duckling I'll dig the pond for you!

Dean Shake on it.

Darren Don't be daft.

94 Dean Shake on it!

Darren looks at Dean who is deadly serious

Darren You're mad you are.

Darren shakes as Dean smiles.

Dean [Proudly] Like me Dad.

Darren No I wouldn't go as far as that.

Dean You go over there and frighten them over here.

Darren Why what are you gonna do?

Dean I'm gonna hide in those weeds with your fishing net.

Darren Maybe you are.

Dean What?

Darren As mad as your Dad.

Dean smiles crazily at Darren Dean I'm worse.

Dean goes to hide in the weeds. Darren looks at him in disbelief.

Dean [Whispering] Go on then!

Darren You need help.

Darren reluctantly does as he is told.

Darren [To himself] Your whole family needs help ... the lot of you.

Darren walks around the pond to get in position.

Dean Pssst! Chuck some stones at them!

95 Darren We're not at war with 'em.

Darren feebly tries to scare the ducks towards Dean.

Darren Go on, shoo, over there.

Dean [Whispering loudly] Your not making friends with 'em either, put some effort in!

Darren Your turning into a carbon copy of your old man you are. [Loudly to the ducks] Go on ...... Ruff! Ruff! Aarrhh!

The ducks suddenly get startled and swim towards Dean. Dean takes his fishing net and scoops a duckling into the net. As he does, it starts to squeak for help. Dean appears up from behind the wreath with his trophy.

Dean Got one!

Darren You've really pissed its mother off!

Dean Quick get your stuff together.

The mother duck quacks aggressively at Dean as it starts to take flight.

Dean Oh my God!

Dean puts the fishing net over his shoulder and legs it to his bike. As he does the mother duck heads for him. Dean picks up his bike and starts to cycle around the pond with the duckling in the net over his shoulder. He is closely pursued by its mother. Dean Hurry up or I'm gonna get pecked to death!

Darren starts laughing as he gets his stuff together.

Darren You're such an idiot!

Dean is frantically trying to out cycle the fraught mother duck as her baby squeals for help. Dean Hurry up!

Darren picks up his bike with his rod tied to it.

Darren Right I'm ready.

Dean [Panting] About bloody time! Ow, ow. Ow!

96 The two lads cycle like mad to shake off the mother duck. Cut to Roy strimming the front garden. There's a pony being unloaded from a horsebox. Rachel is very excited. Roy [Shouting over the strimmer] Just put it the back garden. The bloody goat should be tied up behind the garage. If it's not, it'll probably be eating next doors flowers!

Farmer Aye, ok Roy!

Rachel What's its name?

Farmer Pedro

Rachel Who's a good boy then ...

Roy See Dot for the fifty quid, She's in the kitchen.

The farmer raises his arm in acknowledgement as he leads the pony into the back garden. Cut to Dean and Darren racing off the road and up the driveway on their bikes. Dean still has the fishing net over his shoulder with a duckling inside. Roy [To Dean] Oi! have you done your practice for tonight’s gig?

Dean I'm just about to. What time are we leaving?

Roy You've got to be set up on stage for 7:30.

Darren Hello Mr Collinson.

Roy What have I told you about calling me that!

Darren Sorry Roy

Roy That's better

Dean Dad, have you got a spade?

Roy Yeah in the garage ... What do you want a spade for?

97 Dean Darren's gonna dig a pond in the back garden.

Darren No I'm not!

Dean Yes you are, you lost the bet! … … Besides I have to do my practice.

Roy Eh, well watch the horse!

Darren [To himself] Horse?

The farmer leads the goat into the horsebox.

Roy And don't leave the bloody fence open if you go in there.

Dean Fence?

Roy The one I've just put up to keep the horse in.

Darren shakes his head in disbelief.

Darren [To himself] They're all bloody crazy!

The farmer opens the driver's door and gets in.

Farmer Thanks a lot Roy. Don't forget if you have any trouble give us a ring.

Roy As long as it doesn't eat next doors bloody flowers we'll be alright.

The farmer starts his car and pulls away. Beeping his horn twice. Cut to the mother duck's Ariel view of the Collinson's front garden. The camera pans down as the duck lands opposite. Dean takes an empty bucket, turns it upside down and puts the duckling under to cage it. The mother duck homes in on the bucket and starts to waddle across the road.

Dean [To Darren] I've just gotta go through me first spot for tonight. You get digging then I'll come and help ... I won't be long.

98 Darren reluctantly exits to the back garden. Dot comes out carrying a cup of tea and a sandwich for Roy.

Dot Here, there's a cheese sandwich to keep you going.

Roy stops what he is doing and takes the sandwich and cup of tea from Dot.

Roy Thanks.

Dot Don't forget you've got to pack the car up for tonight.

Roy He's got to do practice first.

Cut to the duck waddling up the drive. Cut back to Roy looking for a place to sit. He notices the upturned bucket the duckling is under and sits down on top of it. As he does the mother duck makes a beeline for Roy's testicles. Roy throws the sandwich and tea up in the air as the duck sinks its bill into him. Roy Aahhhh! Dot ... Help! Get the bastard thing off of me!

Roy dances around with the mother duck attached to his crutch. He is screaming blue murder. He accidentally kicks the bucket over freeing the duckling. As he does the duckling runs free and is seen by its mother. It immediately lets go of Roy but still acts aggressively towards him.

Roy [Holding his testicles] Shoo! Go on shoo! Fuck off!

Roy picks up the hedge trimmer and turns it on. He uses it to protect himself. As the duck goes to peck at Roy again it gets its head caught in the strimmer . Blood squirts everywhere as the duck's head is severed. It falls motionless to the ground. Roy turns the strimmer off and investigates. Roy Friggin' hell!

Pause. Suddenly the headless duck jumps up and starts running at Roy. Roy freaks trying to get away. The duck follows.

Roy Help! Dot! Dean! Someone! Aarhh! ......

A screaming Roy runs about like a headless chicken , followed closely by the headless duck. Dot, Dean, Darren, Rachel, Raymond, Tony the next-door neighbour and the other neighbours come out to see what the commotion is.

Rachel You murderer! You've gone and killed another one!

OPENING CREDITS TO THE SONG ‘ O R D I N A R Y M A N’

99 Scene 2

Set in a dodgy workingmen's club. Dean, dressed in a blue and yellow stage suit, is just finishing singing his first spot.

Dean (Singing) Take me home country roads.

The audience look bored as Dean takes a bow.

Dean Thank you. See you later.

Dean exits the stage taking his radio mic with him. An old compare walks onto the stage Compare Come on ladies and gentlemen. The fantastic 'Deano'!

The audience clap effortlessly as the organist and drummer play a musical stab. Compare We'll be seeing Deano's last spot just after the bingo.

Cut to Roy shaking his head and holding his balls.

Roy It dunt matter how many times you tell him.

Dot I wish you'd leave your balls alone, everyone keeps looking.

Roy Between you, the bloody dog and the duck I'm surprised I've still got any left.

Dot It's got nowt to do with me!

Roy gets up and heads for the dressing room.

Roy Tell me about it! I’m surprised they haven't shrivelled up the lack of use they've had.

As Roy walks to the dressing room the steward selling lucky lotto balls stops him. Steward Feeling lucky with your balls tonight?

Roy Piss off!

The steward is taken aback as Roy walks off. Cut to the compare taking his seat behind the bingo machine.

100 Compare Right eyes down. All four corners wins you £2.35p

Roy opens the dressing room door and walks straight in. Dean is getting undressed from his stage suit. We notice the radio mike on the side.

Roy Bloody crap! The friggin' organist needs a foot up his arse!

Cut to the club. Roy's voice is quietly broadcasted over the PA as the audience are playing bingo. Compare Two and three ... twenty-three ...... those legs ... eleven.

Roy's voice And that bloody drummer. He needs a friggin' pace maker installed in him ...

Cut back to the dressing room Roy And why didn't you tell that joke about the farting dead granny?

Dean I didn't think it was appropriate the amount of old people in the audience.

Roy I do the thinking. You do as your told!

Dean sighs and rolls his eyes as he enters the bathroom inside the dressing room. He closes the door. Roy notices the mic on the side and picks it up posing in the full-length mirror. Cut to the club.

Compare Heinz varieties ... fifty seven ...

There's a huge bang on the PA as Roy bangs the top of the mic. Some of the old dears nearly have a heart attack.

Roy’s voice One, two ... Testing ...

The compare looks around him wondering where it's coming from. Cut back to Roy in the dressing room. Roy starts singing to himself.

Roy Baby let me be ... your loving Teddy Bear ...

Suddenly Roy lets go of a wet fart. Cut to the embarrassed audience tittering, wondering where the noise is coming from. Cut back to Roy.

Roy I'd like to thank me mother and God for making it possible for me to be here tonight ...

Cut back to the audience.

101 Roy's voice ... and the taxman for making it necessary!

Again the audience laugh. Compare Two fat ladies ... eighty-eight.

Cut back to the dressing room. Roy lowers the mic and looks at himself in the mirror. Roy You should've been a star yourself Roy. If only your mother and father had've given what you gave your kids!

Pause. Dot bursts through the door as Dean exits the bathroom.

Dot Put that bloody thing down they can all hear you out there!

Roy What?

Cut back to the club. Dot's voice Fartin' and everything else you been doing! No one can concentrate on the bingo!

Cut back to the dressing room. Dot [Noticing the smell] Oh you dirty get, it stinks in here!

Scene 3

Gladys, Rachel and Raymond are in the Collinson's lounge. Rachel is making another coffin for the dead duck.

Gladys I don't know what the world's coming to ...When your mum was your age and we came across a dead duck or rabbit, we'd cook the bloody thing not bury it!

Rachel I can't believe me father's killed something else.

Gladys He didn't mean to Rach, it was after his privates.

Raymond He didn't kill the goat.

Rachel No, but you had bloody good go though.

Gladys Watch your language me lady!

102 Rachel I don't know why, every body else swears round 'ere.

Raymond clips Rachel around the head.

Raymond Do as your told and don't answer back.

Rachel Ow!

Gladys Oi keep your hands to yourself!

Raymond Why? every bugger else hits me over the head.

Gladys [Having a fit] Eh, now bloody pack it in swearing! I'm bleedin' sick of hearing it. It's not bloody clever you know!

Rachel and Raymond look shocked at Gladys.

Scene 4

Roy, Dot and Dean are travelling home in the car.

Dot I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

Dean I've never been paid off before! It's better then working, we'll have to do that again.

Dot It's not bloody clever you know.

Dean It was nowt to do with me!

Roy If you'd have told the joke about the farting dead granny and played alright I wouldn't have had to come in and tell you!

Dot Every time do we go out, you have to start. Well I'm bloody sick of it!

Dean Can't you two ever talk with out swearing?

Roy [Turning around to Dean] Don't be so friggin' cheeky!

As Roy turns around he swerves onto the other side of the road.

103 Dot Will you keep your bloody eyes on the road!

A car beeps at him as it mounts the pavement to get out of his way. This has been observed by the same two police officers that arrested Roy before. They start to pursue with their lights flashing.

Roy Friggin' hell that's all we need.

Dean Obviously not.

Roy pulls over. The two police get out of their car and walk over to Roy. Roy winds his window down. Police 1 I don't believe it!

Roy Long time no see.

Police 2 Have you been drinking?

Roy No!

Dean winds his window down. Dean Hello officer. We're just going home from a concert. I'm a singer.

The police officer looks at his watch.

Police 2 A bit early to be leaving a concert isn't it?

Dot We got asked to leave.

Police 1 And why was that?

Roy Does it bloody matter!

Dean Me father farted down the mic.

Roy Oi, they weren't talking to you so shut it!

Police 2 Could you get out the car please Mr Collinson?

Roy You and your bloody jobs worth! Why can't you get out there and catch the real criminals?

104 Police 1 Step out the car please sir.

Roy gets out the car as police officer 2 goes to get a breathalyser.

Police 1 Right could you walk along the kerb edge for me sir.

Roy walks with his legs apart along the kerb.

Police 1 How a bout closing your legs.

Dean He can't a ducks been chewing on his knackers.

Dot turns around and clips Dean around the head.

Dot Oi! Watch your language.

The Police officer 1 can't believe his ears. Police officer 2 approaches with the breathalyser. Police 2 Right take a deep breath and slowly breath into this.

Roy reluctantly breathes into the inhaler.

Roy This is discrimination this is!

Officer 2 checks the breath test as officer 1 writes Roy a fine for driving without due care and attention.

Police 2 [To police 1] Clear.

Police 1 You’re lucky you’re not spending another night in the cells. [Handing Roy a ticket] You have seven days to produce your documents if you fail to do so further action will be taken … … I'm feeling in a good mood Mr Collinson. There's a forty pound fine for driving without due care and attention. Just think yourself lucky I'm not reporting you.

Roy Friggin' Lucky!

Police 2 I'd watch you language as well sir, especially in front your son.

Dot Thank you officer I've been telling that for years.

Roy [To Dot] Shut up you silly Pratt!

105 Police 1 I suggest you pay a bit more attention to what is in front of you on the way home!

Dean Thank you officer, thanks for been so understanding.

Dean smiles sincerely at the officer.

Police 1 [To himself] Bloody arse licker.

Scene 4

Set in the Collinson's Kitchen the next morning. Rachel's coffin with the duck inside has been left on the dinner table. Roy and Raymond are sat at one side of the table while Dean, Rachel and Gladys are sat on the other side.

Dot There you go.

Roy What's this?

Dot French bread.

Roy French bread?

Rachel Egg bread.

Raymond French Toast!

Dean Food.

Roy It's nowt like an egg sandwich? … I'm telling you the bloody French are trying to take over the whole world. It started off with the cakes! I wouldn't mind but one sniff of a jackboot and they shit their selves.

Gladys Cakes?

Roy Yeah, gateaux's! I'm telling you, we'll all be friggin' gay in twenty years time cos of the frogs!

Dot Just eat the bloody thing and shut up moaning.

106 Roy Christ it stinks!

Dot Get it eat its good for you!

Dean No it really does mam!

Roy Knackers to that I'm gonna have a biscuit.

Roy opens the duck's coffin on autopilot and reaches in.

Roy Jesus, who's spilt ketchup in the biscuits?

Rachel That's not the biscuit tin … (Looking at the blood on Roy's hand) and that's not tomato sauce.

Roy (Tasting the blood. Wincing at the smell) Bloody hell!

Gladys (Without her teeth) Tha de ned-ucks brood!

Roy The what?

Gladys (Putting her teeth in) The dead ducks blood. qRoy spits out and gags. Dot Don't you watch what you're doing?

Roy Who the bloody hell put that in there? It stinks!

Gladys Our Rachel was gonna bury it last night but it got too dark!

Roy So you thought you'd leave it next to the biscuit tin on the bloody dinner table?

Rachel It serves yourself right! If you hadn't have killed it, it wouldn't be there would it!

Raymond She does have point.

Roy clips Raymond around the ear.

107 Roy Who was talking to you?

Dot You can pack that in before you start.

Roy No one was talking to him!

Dot I don't bloody care!

Roy (To Raymond) Get out me way I need to clean my teeth.

Gladys I think you all need to clean your mouths out with soap the amount of bloody swearing you do!

Dean I'm surprised I don't need psychiatric help the amount of death, physical contact and bad language I have to put up with.

Raymond Listen to goodie two shoes. Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

Rachel After I bury Urmantrude are we still taking Pedro to the horse-jumping gala?

Raymond Urmantrude?

Rachel The duck!

Dean You can't call Titan's mum Urmantrude!

Gladys Who's Titan?

Dean The duckling in me new pond.

Dot I would hardly say you're in a position to comment if you hadn't have nicked the poor thing in the first place its mother wouldn't be dead.

Raymond Anyhow the point of the question was are we taking it to the horse jumping or what?

Roy Aye, it could do with a walk.

Dean She's not talking about the dog.

108 Roy I know that you idiot but an horse still needs to exercise ... and you can take bones as well it'll do it good to go on a long walk!

Rachel It's a pony!

Raymond Are you allowed dogs at horse-jumping shows?

Rachel No otherwise it'll be a dog-jumping show.

Dot I don't remember reading dogs aren't allowed.

Gladys As long as it's on a lead I can't see there being a problem.

Dean We don't have a lead.

Roy Just clip it to the tow rope at least it won't get away.

Raymond It won't be able to bloody move. It's as thick as my wrist.

Roy clips Raymond around the head again.

Roy Well thank God it's not as thick as you. And watch your language.

Raymond [Rubbing his head] Not the dog, the rope!

Scene 5

Set in the Collinson's back garden. Roy is getting the pony ready to take out. Dean puts the thick towrope onto the dog. It can hardly lift its head off of the ground. Dean This is too heavy for him. Haven't we got anything else?

As Roy walks Pedro out of the back garden it gets a little edgy about the dog. Roy Eeh, calm down … Good boy calm down! (To Dean) No, but judging by the horses temperament it's maybe not a good Idea to take Jaws.

109 Dean (To Jaws) You're gonna have to stay here jaws … … Give us your paw … … Good dog!

Roy Put him in the back garden to run around. He won't get out once I lock the fence.

Dean Looks at the perimeter fence Roy has knocked up for the horse. Dean I'm surprised you haven't hooked it up to the electrics?

Roy That's not a bad idea for when we go on holiday. At least we'll know if anyone's tried to break in.

Dean How?

Roy They'll still be stuck to the fence when we get back. (Shouting to get the others) Right come on hurry up or we'll miss it!

Cut to the Kitchen. Gladys and Dot have just finished preparing a picnic. Raymond and Gladys are putting their coats on. Dean and Roy are outside with the pony.

Dot Are we taking it on the foreshore?

Roy No, we'll walk along the middle of the motorway. It'll do it good, get it use to traffic.

Dot You'll scare the bloody thing to death!

Raymond I thought it was illegal to walk on the motorway?

Roy Why do you always have to complicate things? Anyhow, we're not walking on the motorway we're walking on the grass.

Raymond Same thing!

Roy Course it bloody isn't! [to Dean] Eh Dean, take your trombone. You can play to Gladys and practice that new one for next Saturday.

Dean Do I have to? Why can't I just enjoy myself like everyone else?

110 Roy Because not everyone's gonna be a star like you.

Dean But I don't wanna be a star trombonist.

Roy Course you do. Look at Roy Castle.

Dean I don't wanna be Roy bloody Castle.

Raymond He dunt play the Trombone anyhow. He just plays rubber pipes with funnels stuck to em.

Gladys I for he boke wecors?

Roy Put your bloody teeth in for God's sake!

Gladys puts her teeth in. Gladys I said I thought he broke records?

Roy Shut up you silly Pratt he's made a few!

Dot Eh that's my mother you're talking to!

Roy You finish getting the picnic ready and keep your nose out.

Dean Anyway, it's too heavy to take.

Roy We'll tie it to the bloody horses back.

Dot I thought we was tying the picnic to its back?

Roy It's a bloody horse you idiot! It'll carry or pull out. (To Dean) Now go get it!

Raymond Oh we might as well take the caravan then.

Roy clips Raymond across the head again. Dean goes to get the trombone.

Roy Don't be so friggin' cheeky!

Dot Eh, now you can bloody pack that language in, and stop hitting him around the head!

111 Roy Rachel, hurry up!

Dot Are you listening?

Roy Shut up you silly Pratt! Rachel, move yourself!

Rachel's voice I am!

Enter Rachel. She is dressed in her horse riding costume.

Dot Oh look at her, she looks like a professional.

Roy [Shouting at Dean] Dean, hurry up!

Dean enters carrying a huge trombone case.

Dean I am!

Scene 6

Set on the A63. The Collinson's are walking down the grassy central reservation of a busy dual carriageway. Rachel, the trombone and the picnic basket are on the pony's back. They are passed by the same two policemen who pulled Roy over last night. Cut to inside the police car. The two coppers can't believe their eyes.

Police 1 I don't believe it!

Police 2 Is he an idiot or what?

Police 1 How far's the next junction?

Police 2 Two miles away.

Police 1 Right let's pick 'em up.

They put the lights and siren on as they speed off to turn around. Cut to Roy.

Roy Shit let's get out of here. They'll be back in a minute.

Raymond See I thought it was illegal!

Dot I told you we should've gone on the foreshore.

112 Roy Well it's too late for that now. Come on quick before they come back.

Roy runs across the carriageway with the horse. A car beeps its horn, which startles the pony. Roy Hold on Racha!

Raymond, Dean, Dot and Gladys follow causing the on coming cars to swerve, slow down and beep their horns. Gladys He'll be the bloody death of me!

Roy Quick in the field.

They all hide in the field behind a hedge as the police car screams past with its sirens and light flashing. Cut to inside the car.

Police 1 Where the hell did they go?

Police 2 They must be further along, they can't have got far.

The car disappears in the distance. Cut back to Roy.

Roy We better carry on in the field.

Scene 7

Set at the horse-jumping Gala in Hessle town. There is the main event in the middle of the field with hundreds of applauding spectators. Around the side are stalls and fair rides and obedience test for visiting ponies. The Collinson's enter through the main gate.

Roy Right, Dean take the trombone and picnic basket and follow your Mam and Gladys. Make sure you get a good view.

Dot Where you going?

Roy We're gonna have a look at the side stalls and find a tree to tie Pedro to. Don't forget to play seventy-six trombones for Gladys.

Dean Do I have to get it out in front of everyone?

Roy Yeah, you never know who's here. You could be picked up by a millionaire and made a star.

113 Raymond Who the hell's gonna be interested in a kid playing a naff version of Twenty-six trombones.

Roy goes to clip Raymond around the head but Raymond ducks out the way.

Roy No one's talking to you. And learn to bloody count before you start opening your gob!

Dot Right you can pack that in. I've come out to relax, not to hear you getting all 'et up about bloody music.

Cut to the horse-jumping arena. Harvey Smith enters to a huge cheer and round of applause. Commentators Voice Next in the Arena is the two times British Champion and the world record holder for the highest jump, the one and only Harvey Smith!

Gladys [Putting her teeth in] Ooh I like him. He's gotta a lovely sexy rear when he's not sitting down on the ass.

Dot Come on let's get a place quick.

Cut to Roy and Raymond walking Rachel and Pedro around the side stalls.

Roy Ere Rach, why don't you try Pedro out on this mini obstacle course?

Rachel What do you have to do?

Roy and Raymond read the sign. Raymond Figure of eight, trotting ...

Roy And jumping.

Rachel I don't want to jump, I'm scared.

Roy Don't be daft your a Collinson!

Rachel Anyhow, You have to train a pony to jump.

Roy Yeah but if you look at the jumps they look more like steps.

Rachel I don't want to.

114 Raymond I'll do it. I'm not scared.

Rachel No, he's my pony.

Raymond I'm only gonna show you how easy it is, then you can do it.

Roy Yeah go on Rach, You get one of those rosettes afterwards.

Rachel [Thinking about it] Aye alright then, but be careful.

Rachel dismounts Pedro. Cut to Dot, Gladys and Dean unpacking the picnic at the side of the arena. Dean takes out his trombone putting it together. Harvey Smith is jumping his so far perfect round. Just as he approaches a fence near the Collinson's Dean blows a huge rasp into his trombone. This startles the horse, which knocks a fence down. Harvey Smith looks back as Dean starts his bad rendition of 'Seventy Six Trombones. Cut back to Raymond mounting Pedro. Roy pays twenty pence entrance fee to the side stall. Rachel Go careful!

Raymond The Lone Ranger rides again!

Raymond smacks the pony's arse. Pedro jumps and starts to trot. Raymond obviously hasn't got any idea how to ride as he is thrown around hanging on for dear life.

Roy Go on son, over the first jump!

Raymond is catapulted as Pedro jumps over the first jump, barely landing back on the saddle.

Staller Oi! You've missed the figure of eight!

Raymond I can't stop the bloody thing!

Rachel Pull the reins!

Raymond pulls the reins causing the pony to semi rear onto its back legs. Roy Hit it with your stick if it doesn't do as it’s told!

Rachel No! ......

Raymond hits it with his crop. Pedro bolts off towards a fallen tree trunk.

Rachel ...... That'll make it run!

115 Raymond Hhheeelllppp!

Raymond holds on for dear life. Suddenly Pedro stops in its track as it decides the tree trunk is too high. Raymond is catapulted over its head.

Raymond Aaarrhhh!

The sight of Raymond startles Pedro again. It bolts the opposite way dragging Raymond with it.

Roy Let go of the bloody reins you idiot!

Raymond I can't, my hands caught in it!

Raymond tries to brake free of Pedro as it runs off through the crowd. Roy chases it as the stall crowd disperses. Cut back to Gladys eating a sandwich listening to Dean playing his trombone.

Gladys [Talking without her teeth, with her mouth full] That was lovely our Dean!

Dean I haven't finished yet. It's the instrumental. You have to imagine the organ and drums.

Gladys Oh, lovely.

In the background we can see Roy chasing Pedro and Raymond as people run out the way of the oncoming mayhem. Cut to a crowd panicking as Pedro barges through knocking over their picnics.

Roy Ere, watch your backs!

Woman Aarrhh!

Pedro runs crazily towards the arena followed by Roy and Raymond screaming blue murder. Dean gets an eyeful of what is going on.

Dean Bloody hell!

Dot What?

Dean The bloody horse!

Dot Will you watch your … … … Jesus friggin’ Christ!

Gladys What?

116 Dot Run! Run for your life!

Gladys Eh?

Dean and Dot turn and run for their life as Gladys blindly looks around. Pedro runs straight at the Collinson’s picnic place, jumping over Gladys and landing in the picnic box, knocking it everywhere. Roy launches himself at it catching it around its neck. Pedro stops as Roy is thrown off then changes direction as he is spooked again by Roy. It runs straight for the arena chasing the crowd from its path.

Man Get out of it!

Woman Help!

Pedro leaps over the side barriers into the arena where Harvey Smith is show jumping. It is followed by Roy, Raymond, Dean and two security guards.

Roy Come here you little bastard!

Roy runs straight in front of Harvey Smith's horse that stops in its track, throwing Harvey Smith almost off its back. Harvey holds on for dear life as his horse bolts. The crowd are now very animated with all the commotion. Pedro and Harvey’s horse race around knocking over every fence in the Arena. Eventually Harvey Smith is thrown off banging head first into the pillar of to jump. People rush to see if he’s alright. Pedro is eventually cornered by Roy and Raymond. Roy Got you, you bugger! Right Raymond after three, go for its neck.

Raymond Ok, three.

Roy One, two, three … … …

Roy and Raymond launch themselves at Pedro from either side. The horse sees them coming and gets out the way. Freeze frame as Roy and Raymond are in mid air.

End Title Song

Half way through the titles unfreeze the frame. Roy and Raymond clash heads and knock each other out. Cut to Dean.

Dean Fuck me!

Dot clips Dean around the head.

Dot What have I bloody told you about swearing!

117 Freeze frame. As the end titles finish, cut to an Ambulance. Harvey Smith is stretchered off into the ambulance wearing a collarbone brace, and Raymond and Roy are been stretchered off unconscious. Roy comes around as Raymond is been lifted in the Ambulance. He notices Harvey Smith and shakes his restricted arm.

Roy Nice to meet you, my wife’s a big fan of yours!

END OF SERIES 1

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