Interfaith Marriage guidelines (second draft).

This guide has been written mainly for people from a Christian background (whether they belong to a Church or not) who are thinking about marriage to someone of a different religion, as well as those who are already married or in long-term relationships. Not very long ago, interfaith marriages were unusual, but with increased opportunities to travel, work and study abroad, and the presence of many different religions within the UK, the rate of interfaith marriage is increasing. While this may suggest that minorities are becoming more accepted, intermarriage is not always welcomed, particularly by religious leaders who are concerned about young people who "marry out" of their community.

If you and your partner are from different Christian traditions, it is an Interchurch relationship, and you should contact the Association of Interchurch Families (35-41 Lower March Street, London SE1 7SA, 020 7523 2152, http://www.interchurchfamilies.org.uk).

Why does Interfaith Marriage matter?

People are often surprised to discover how much religious differences can affect a couple. After all, many of us are used to living and working alongside people of other religions, cultures and traditions. But when the person you love most in the world has another faith, differences do matter. Faith is about deeply held beliefs and values which influence your whole approach to life, even if you do not think of yourself as religious. And however much you have in common with your partner, you may sometimes find that differences can arise in unexpected ways, taking you by surprise. If you are prepared for the possibility of differences, you will probably find them easier to deal with when they crop up.

Even if you and your partner seem very compatible, and find the differences between you attractive and romantic, your families may be anxious In addition to religious differences of concern might include gender roles and expectations, language and communication, food and drink, and the upbringing of any future children. Further, in many communities, marriage is not simply an arrangement between two individuals but between their families, and parents who expect to be involved in the choice of marriage partner may be shocked to learn that a son or daughter has been seeing someone without their approval. This is particularly likely when in the home culture of that community any attachment between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman would be seen as unacceptable. Some families are completely opposed to interfaith marriage because their religion forbids it. Many Christian groups, for example, oppose marriage to non-Christians because the Bible cautions against it. Jewish families are frequently concerned about the threat that intermarriage poses to the continued existence of the Jewish community. Some families worry that by marrying someone of another religion your faith will be diluted and your sense of belonging to your community weakened. Even if you feel very attached to your family and your roots, it may take a lot of tact to persuade them that marriage to someone of a different faith does not mean you are rejecting them. Many families genuinely have your happiness at heart, and cannot understand how you can be happy to spend your life with someone who seems so very different. They may also believe that your partner will find life tough if he or she marries you.

Adrian's uncle wrote to him when we got engaged, to try to stop us going through with it. His letter was along the lines of: "Jane's a very nice girl, but what are you going to do on Yomtovs (festivals)? She won't fit in on family occasions because she isn't Jewish, and she won't be happy." That was over twenty years ago, and although it did take time to settle into the family and there are one or two relations who have never really accepted me, we are still very happy.

These concerns about how a prospective spouse will 'fit in' are common. For example, when a British woman marries into a culture with traditionally defined gender roles, her family may have particular anxieties:

1 First my mother said, "Oh my goodness!" and then, "He's a Muslim, oh my goodness, do you have to become a Muslim? Will we see you in a veil?"

If your partner is from overseas, your parents may also be concerned about where you are going to live, or about whether your partner wants to get married in order to gain a passport or the right to live in the UK. If they have never really known someone of your partner's faith or country, they may have stereotyped ideas about how he or she is likely to think and behave.

My mother kept wondering - aloud - why I couldn't have found a 'nice English girl'.

When there are tensions with parents and prospective parents-in-law, it is best, if possible, to talk through the issues, ideally before you get married. However, sometimes communication breaks down and you may have to accept that. Some interfaith couples face serious consequences, including loss of contact with one or both families.

I feel as if I have brought shame to my family. I sometimes talk to my mother on the telephone, but if she told my father that she has been speaking with me, then he would be angry with her too.

Get support

Some couples keep their relationship a secret from one or both families, and find it difficult to discuss the things that are important to them. But at some point you need to talk with someone you can trust. If you know another interfaith couple, they may have helpful advice. If you or your partner know sympathetic ministers, talk with them too. Explain that you realise there are important issues, and that you have thought about them. Many Christian ministers will gladly try to help you, but remember that many clergy have little experience of interfaith marriage. (This may be an opportunity for him or her to learn about it.) Some are less supportive, perhaps because of serious religious concerns, but there may be others in your area who are more helpful. Some rabbis and imams may have useful insights. There are also a few groups and individuals who are able to help. Contact us [email protected] If you are a Muslim/Christian couple you can contact www.mcmarriage.org.uk for details of their meetings and newsletter. There are several groups in the USA FOR Jewish/Christian couples, including the Dovetail Institute, www.dovetailinstitute.org

How can we live with our differences?

I think the reason we get on so well although we have different backgrounds is we laugh at the same things, we enjoy doing the same things and have the same tastes and ideas, although on religion we haven't quite the same beliefs. It can be hard marrying someone from a different country, a different religion. You just have to be very flexible and tolerant.

If you are in an interfaith relationship, you may already have heard stories about broken marriages, of children who are taken overseas and who lose all contact with their family in Britain, and of in-laws who assume the right to tell a couple how to live. Interfaith marriages, it seems, are difficult, and can be fragile too. But perhaps you have not heard about the many happily married couples who find life together enriching, and whose children, right from the start, learn open-mindedness and tolerance. Those interfaith marriages which seem to work well are often between couples who are sensitive to each other's cultural and religious backgrounds, and who do not avoid their differences, but use them creatively.

It's important to look at what is in common, but what are you going to do with the bits that are left? You have got to be aware of what is different; you have got to talk to each other about them.

2 You could face tough issues. Find out as much as you can about your partner's religion. Read, ask questions, and talk. Remember that nobody is a text-book version of their religion, and so you should also find out about the particular tradition and culture which your partner grew up with. Try to present and explain as much as you can of your own tradition, even things that seem obvious to you. If possible, visit one another's place of worship. You may be expected to cover your head and perhaps remove your shoes before entering the worship area. If men and women worship separately, as they do in many religions, it may be a good idea to take a friend of the same sex with you.

You may be pleasantly surprised. But even if you find your partner's faith strange or disturbing, try to be open-minded. Talk about what your faiths have in common, what you admire about your partner's tradition and think about what you can learn from it. Think also about what is important to you, and share this with your partner.

Many people who marry someone of a different faith and culture discover that their own identity begins to matter more to them. For some, being with a partner who does not take the same things for granted can stimulate them to explore their own faith, even if they were not previously very interested. Sometimes a desire for involvement in a faith community increases at a later stage, notably after the birth of children.

As time passes, and you learn more about one another's outlook and ways, you may find adjustment becomes easier. But it is likely to be an active process, one in which you have to respond to new questions and challenges.

Conversion

Sometimes conversion appears the best solution, especially when one partner is not specially committed to their faith. There may be strong family pressures for either you or your partner to convert to the faith of the other, and it may seem attractive as a way of legitimising an otherwise unacceptable relationship. In some faiths, for example Islam, conversion is simple, while in others it can take months, or even years of study and practice. In any case, it should not be done without a lot of thought and prayer. Conversion will not make your differences disappear, and conversions made without full understanding and commitment may be regretted later, and are not really welcomed by many religious leaders. In addition, it may be difficult for a 'nominal' convert to worship in the manner of their new faith, and they may be unable to accept some of the teachings of the faith. Conversion is not always an issue: a Hindu family for example would not normally expect someone from a western Christian background to become a Hindu.

Many people of Christian background in Britain see faith as a private matter, to do with your own relationship with God. But in some other traditions religious identity is given, and connects you to your family and community. Conversion from one faith to another may be seen as a betrayal, and could mean that you are rejected by your family and faith community.

It is important that you respect the decision not to convert. If you or your partner feels under constant pressure to convert, perhaps to please in-laws, this is likely to undermine your relationship.

Where can we get married?

Many interfaith couples choose a civil marriage ceremony, often because they prefer a small wedding with minimal fuss, and because it is religiously neutral. At present, prayers and religious rituals are not allowed at a civil ceremony, although you may have a blessing ceremony afterwards. It may be possible to have a religious ceremony in Church, and the first step is to approach the minister of the Church in which you would like to get married. Different Churches have different responses to interfaith marriage, but if you live in England,

3 you have a legal right to be married in your Church of England Parish Church. (www.cofe.anglican.org/lifechanges) However, the Church of England marriage service is set by law, and a non-Christian partner may be uncomfortable with the words. Several other Churches are able to offer either a wedding service, or a blessing after a registry office wedding. You may want a ceremony which includes readings, prayers and rituals from both your traditions:

My father-in-law lent the vicar a book of Hindu prayers. He found some that he liked and said he wanted to use them in the wedding service. I thought that was really nice, and it helped my husband's family feel included in what was going on.

Some couples have two ceremonies:

We got married in the Methodist Church. It was basically the Methodist service, adapted a bit so as not to offend anybody. We had Bible readings and Qur'ānic readings. At the reception, we had the imam. It went well. A lot of my family and friends were listening to the imam, though they looked a bit perplexed! But a lot of the Pakistani community were in the Church. It was a real reversal on that day - it was good for everybody.

The laws concerning weddings will be changed by 2006, and may give more scope for flexibility and individual preferences. Links: http://www.methodist.org.uk/news/fs_marriage. www.catholic-ew.org.uk

Children

Most people would recommend that before children are born you should talk about how you will bring them up, including their religious nurture and whether they will belong to a faith community. Try not to be too idealistic or rigid at this stage, as your feelings may change when children arrive. For example, you may both agree now that the children will be brought up solely in the faith of one parent, but will this cause the other parent to feel like a religious 'outsider', unable to contribute towards their children's spiritual nurture?

The baptism of a child could be a deeply traumatic and alienating experience for a non-Christian parent, with a feeling of the child's being 'appropriated.'

There are different ways of considering the faith identity of children. Believing in a faith and belonging to a faith community are not the same. Knowledge about a faith is yet another aspect. Although they will ultimately decide for themselves what religion, if any, to follow, some couples feel it is better to give children a clear religious identity, while others want them to learn about both faiths.

Before they were born, in fact before we were married, we looked into it. We both wanted them to belong to a faith community, and my husband was prepared for them to be brought up as Catholic. But they get the best of both worlds I think - they get Hannukah presents and Christmas presents!

Children are considered Jewish by the Jewish community if their mother is Jewish. Some progressive synagogues now also welcome interfaith families, even when the father is Jewish and the mother gentile, and if the children are brought up and educated as Jews, their formal conversion to Judaism is relatively simple. If the children's father is a Muslim, then the Muslim community will consider them to be Muslims too, even if their mother is a practising Christian. Circumcision is expected for Jewish and Muslim boys.

4 Membership of Christian Churches is generally through baptism (christening), although some Churches only baptise people when they become adult. The Roman Catholic Church formerly insisted that the children of a mixed marriage were baptised and brought up as Catholics, but many Catholic priests and marriage workers are now more relaxed, believing that they should avoid threatening the integrity of the marriage. Most Churches offer a service of thanksgiving after childbirth or adoption, and this may be more acceptable than baptism for an interfaith couple. A few families have designed their own thanksgiving services, which draw on both their traditions. For details contact us ([email protected])

Many children of interfaith marriages are aware of both their parents' faiths, learning the stories of both traditions, celebrating both sets of festivals, and even identifying with both faiths. People outside the family may find this hard to understand and suggest that your children will be 'confused' if they are brought up with more than one religious identity, particularly if the faiths in question seem mutually exclusive. However, children are often able to cope with two faiths in one family, rather like bilingual children who are at home with two languages. They frequently find it enriching:

I said to my daughter, 'You're very lucky to have parents of different religions, because you get Christmas and Eid. You get to know the different religions.' Yes, she says she's very lucky. And it makes them more tolerant.

It is as important to nurture children's spiritual well-being as their physical, emotional, social and intellectual development. Exactly how you do this will depend largely on your own values, beliefs and experiences, but if you are open and honest with them, and do not avoid talking about religious and spiritual issues, your children are more likely to have a positive appreciation of faiths. Two women who were brought up in an interfaith family point out that:

If you don't actually tell your children about your faith background, then say they are free to choose for themselves, you won't achieve what you aimed for, because they won't have the knowledge to base their choices on.

Grandparents may feel saddened if they cannot pass their faith and traditions on to their grandchildren. They may wonder why it's all right to take them to the pantomime at Christmas, but not to the carol service in Church.

Children are usually curious about the religious and cultural traditions of their parents and grandparents, and love hearing stories. Religious ceremonies, fasts and festivals are often accompanied by stories which help children understand the faith and traditions of their families. Some of these stories also engage with themes such as growing up, and problems, such as separation and death. They may give an assurance of God's loving care, and help children make sense of life.

Useful reading:

Yasmin Alibhai-Brown and Anne Montagu, 'The Colour of Love,' Virago, 1992 Astrid Lobo Gajiwala, 'The Challenge of being different: A Christian-Hindu Marriage' Interchurch Families Vol 6,2, Summer 1998. www.interchurchfamilies.org/journal/98.su14shtm Lesley Kitchen Lababidi, 'Paddle your own canoe,' St Helier, 1997 Jonathan Romain, 'Till Faith do us Part' Fount, 1996 Jonathan Romain, www.reformjudaism.org.uk/rsgb/artman/publish/article_39.shtml Dugan Romano, Intercultural Marriages: Promises and Pitfalls, Intercultural Press, 2001 "Very Short Introductions" Series on Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, etc, Oxford University Press, £6.99 www.oup.co.uk/vsi

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