Here Are More Than 200 Clean Funny Jokes and Stories (Courtesy: Internet). You Can Use

Here are more than 200 clean funny jokes and stories (courtesy: internet). You can use these jokes and stories - Just to have some lighter moments, to forget worries, to make your talks and session more attractive, to make your picnic/get-togethers more lively, to publish in your parish bulletins of other publications and so on.

This collection of jokes/stories would also help to conduct a storey/joke telling competition for children, youth senior citizens, inmates of your institute/students etc. Ask the participants to visit this section of the websites, choose the story or joke, practice it and come prepared.

Meantime if you have more stories or collection of stories, please free to share with us. They will be uploaded in this section for the benefit of readers.

Fr Felix Rebello

A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. Hugh Sidey 1] Santa was standing on the railway platform. Suddenly he jumped on the tracks. Man who saw this: “Hey want to die”? Santa: You will die. Didn’t you hear the announcer saying, the next train is coming on the platform?

2] A true husband is one who lays down the laws for his wife….and then accepts all her amendments!

3] Marwari apne worker se : Tumne is saal mehnat se kaam kiye. Isliye 5000 ka bonus cheque de raha hu. Agar aise hi kaam karoge to agle saal..isme sign karunga.

4] The Haircut story One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

5] Friend to another friend: always keep the photograph of your lover in the purse. Whatever big problem you have, just see the photo. Then you will feel that, there is no bigger problem than this.

6] One day Sunny was standing opening his mouth near the light pole. Someone asked him” what are you doing”. Sunny said, “Doctor has told me to eat light food”.

7] Two were fighting First man: I will break your 64 teeth. Passerby: But he has only 32. First man: I know. Including yours, if you interfere.

8] PRIEST AND A MALLU!!

A Priest dies and is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans. God asks him: Please tell me who you are, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not. The Guy replies: I am Malayalee, Karnataka State Road Transport Corporation Driver from Kerala!!!

God consults his ledger…...... smiles and says to the Mallu: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf and enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

Now it is the Priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years. God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this Cotton Robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven... 'Just a minute' says the agonized Priest.

'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, Results,' shrugs God. 'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove, people PRAYED’. It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts...

9] A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

10] Ambani phoned to Mukesh from heaven – “Son how is our ‘Reliance India’ business? Mukesh answers: “Dad, I cannot hear anything. Can you call to my Airtel number?

11] Dad: how was the exam? Son: 1 question was left. 3 questions were not answered. 4 questions forgot. 5 questions were not studied. Dad: question No. 2 Son: That’s is the only question written wrongly.

12] Definition of foolishness: two people sitting on an auto and fighting for the window sheet.

13] Father in-law: do you have the habit of drinking? Son-in-law: no. Father-in-law: smoking? Son-in-law: no. Father-in-law; then which habit you have? Son-in-law: only of telling lies.

14] When his wife delivered twins, father Santa didn’t sleep for the whole night. Why? He was thinking who could be the father of second child!

15] Mother: next time if you fail, I will break your hand and legs. Son: that is not possible. Mother: why? Boy: what God has joined men must not break.

16] A student failed 10 times. When he appeared 11th time he found the paper difficult. He wrote in the answer sheet, “I hereby lay down the weapon (pen) and surrender”.

17] Drunkard to wife: hello darling I cannot come back home to night. The steering, gear all have been robbed. (After a few hours) again he telephones his wife: sorry. I am reaching home within a short time. Earlier when I phoned, by mistake I was sitting on the back seat of the car. 18] Teacher in a furious mood... write down ur name and father of ur name!!

19] "Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!"

20] "I'll illustrate what I have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

21] "shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

22] Don’t laugh at the back benches....otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

23] "will u hang that calendar or else i'll hang myself"

24] Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

25] Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

29] It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said " why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

30] Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

31] Chemistry HOD comes and tells us... "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

32] Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

33] Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "

34] Once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America .."

35] LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

36] My manager started like this …. "Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

37] LESSON IN LYING A priest told his parishioners, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17”.

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the priest asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying”.

38] Dad: how was the exam? Son: I got all the question which I didn’t know the answers. Dad: what did you do? Son: I want to teach them a lesson. I also wrote all the answers which they will not know.

39] Police: where are you going in this night time? Drunkard: To listen to a talk on bad effects of drinking. Police: So late? Who gives that talk? Drunkard: My wife.

40] Bus conductor: take your ticket. Traveler: give me 2 tickets Conductor: 2 for whom? Passenger: for myself. If one is lost. Conductor: if both got lost? Passenger: I have a pass.

41] A patient met with an accident went to the doctor. Doctor: you need stitches. Patient: how much costs? Doctor: 8000 Patient: I need only stitches. Not embroidery.

42] One sardarji was holding ice in his hands was watching carefully. Someone asked him, “What are you watching” for which sardar replied, “I am watching as to from where the water is leaking”.

43] A water bottle and a whisky bottle were kept in front of the donkey. The police asked the alcoholic, “What did you learn from this?” The alcoholic said, “those who do not drink whisky, they are donkeys.

44] Direct from Vatican!!! After getting Pope Benedict’s entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness, 'says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth, 'says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? Protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.. 'Who's going to tell? 'says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel...... The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.! 'Please slow down, Your Holiness! ‘pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver from the backseat.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph. 'So bust him ,'says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,’ said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important, ‘said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked,’ Who do you have there...... the Mayor?' Cop:’ Bigger.' Chief: 'A Senator?' Cop: ‘Bigger.' Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?' Cop: ‘Bigger.' 'Well, ‘said the Chief, ‘who is it?' Cop: ‘I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,’ What makes you think it's God?' Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!'

45] An Indian visitor went to a London hotel. He wanted to eat chicken, but forgot to the name chicken. When turn came him to order, he said, “give me a plate of meat of egg’s mother”. 46] Once a boy was fighting for a bike with his daddy. Daddy angrily said, “Why did God give you two feet”? Boy answered, “one to press the break and the other to change gear”.

47] Santa Singh got an empty message in his mobile. Immediately, he phoned the number and told the sender, “it looks like, there in less ink in your mobile. I cannot read the message you sent”.

48] SMS ‘I love you’ – send this message to 10 girls and WIN A free trip to your nearest police station in a luxury jeep Rehna, kana and full body massage – absolutely FREE

49] Between the engagement and marriage, if there is a big time gap, who will benefit? Girl or boy? None. Only Mobile company!

50] One student enclosed Rs 100/- with his answer sheet, and wrote “1 mark 1 rupee”. When he got the corrected answer sheet, the student found 66 rupees enclosed with his answer sheet. It was written, “you got 34 marks”. Hence, 66 rupees are returned.

51] A train traveler was getting down at every station to buy the ticket for the next station. A fellow traveler asked – why do you buy ticket at every station? The traveler said, “doctor has advised me not to travel long distances”.

52] A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e - mail. Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Reached Date: 28 SEP 2010 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW! Richard

53] I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Cheque books.

54] The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new cars.

55] Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

56] Q: Why dogs don't marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

57] Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why? Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly. 58] What is the difference between men and pigs? Ans: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

59] What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

60] Nurse is a beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

61] Q: What's the difference between mother & wife? A: One woman brings you into the world crying and the other ensures that you continue to do so.

62] One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner. Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why he was so interested in talking to her. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, " Oh, so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President"*

63] God created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un- tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30years. You will be a dog. " . The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30years is too much, give me only15 years. " God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. ". The monkey answered: "To live 20years is too much, give me only 10years." God granted his wish.

Finally God created man... and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. " God granted man's wish.

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown, he lives years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren. That's Life......

64] Once a man was trying to insert the dog’s tail inside the pipe. A passerby told, “Are you become mad. Don’t you know that, you cannot straighten the dog’s tail’?. The man said, “I am trying to bend the pipe”. 65] When a sardar was crying, some one asked him, ‘why are you crying’? sardar answered, “I gave 20 lacs to my friend for plastic surgery. Now I cannot recognize him at all”

66] Difference between Cinema theatre and Operation theatre: In the cinema theatre, you will get ticket after standing in the queue. But in the operation theater, you will get ticket after going inside the theatre

67] A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! Pass it on

68] God decided to encourage people to have fewer children and introduced an award scheme. During the procedure at one point, he concentrated on learning about the situation in India: He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven, and asked him how many children he had during his time on earth. Nehru replied, only one! Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God awarded Nehru with a Celestial Rolls Royce!

Indira Gandhi was next, and God asked the same question. She replied she had two children, and God thought, not too bad, so he gave her a BMW.

Dr. Radhakrishnan was next in line. God was not pleased to hear that he had six children, and gave him a Morris-8 as a kind of punishment.

Sometime later, the three (Nehru, Indira and Radhakrishnan) going around in their new cars, saw Mahatma Gandhi on foot!!!

Wondering what went wrong; they asked why God hadn't been merciful with him. The Mahatma replied in disgust, "God did not even ask me!!! Some idiots had told him that I am the father of the whole Indian nation!"

69] Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ... SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY ! AND TO ALL THE MEN WHO THINK THEY ARE INTELLIGENT !

70] Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

71] Our friend from Moira, Juze Bostiaum, appeared on Kaun Banega Crorepati, Amitabh Bachchan hosted show from Mumbai. Juze had miraculously reached the end of the rounds by saying all his Rosaries & Novenas & had already won Rs. 50 lacs. "You've done very well so far," said Amitabh, "but for Rs. 1 crore, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a Friend. Everything's riding on this question... Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Juze. "Aum ek last chance marta!" "OK..... The QUESTION is..... Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo, or (d) Crow"?

"Heje mainchem cazar... I not knowing dat," said Juze, "so better use my last life line, and phone to my friend, Pedru Pochok- (Actual name: Pedro Pacheco) from Mumbai. He's a Mangy, but a Bandra boy, & born& brought up in Mumbai, So he's too smart - a real shaana buggar." Juze called up his friend in Mumbai, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Arree Baba!" cried Pedru, "Sarko Endo Mure Tu, Simple it is ..it's a cuckoo.""Ah- vois, sure mure Pedru?" asked Juze. "Arre Baba, hundred percent sure re! Pakka!" Juze hung up the phone & told Amitabh Bachan, "I tell Cookoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Amitabh. "Sarkem sure, Sir!"

There was a long, long pause, And then Amitabh Bachan screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Juze,you've won Rs..1 Crore!!"

The next night, Juze threw a big party for all the people from Moira, at the Moira Club. Pedru was specially flown in from Mumbai, as the Chief Guest.

Time for speeches ... Juze takes the mike & asks Pedru, "Saang mure, Pedru? Foo told you? How you know cuckoo isn't building its own nest? Otherwise you're sarko bondo & you know nothing about birds. Your Fadder or ticher (teacher) taught you, ah-what?

"C'mon yaaar! Bas-kya! What yor saying?" laughed Pedru. " Man..everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

72] An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage.... and that much misery is enough!'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'

MORAL:

No man / woman is busy in this world all 365 days. The sky is not going to fall down if you take few days LEAVE and meet your dear ones.

OFFICE WORK IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE and MONEY MAKING IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE.

73] Son: Dad give me Rs 5/-. Dad: why? Son: all my friends have an account. I also want to open one. Dad: where? Son: in the cigarette shop.

74] Teacher: what is the similarity between a girl friend and a mobile? Student: when not charged both gets disconnected.

75] Bus driver: why this stench in the bus? Conductor: I said all those who have got change money board the bus. All beggars boarded the bus

76] In marriage lunch one of the invitee was eating for a long time. His friend told him, “how long you are eating”?. The man showed the invitation where it is written, “Lunch time 12 to 3 PM”.

77] Police: why do you rob only that family? Robber: every family have a family doctor, family lawyer etc. So I am a family robber

78] A man came with a bucket to a doctor and told her, “This bucket has a hole. What can be done”. Doctor asked, “Why are you asking me’. The man replied, “I heard that, you are a famous Plastic surgeon”.

79] A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure out how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work.

He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for $10,000. "What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!" So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read: Tapping with a hammer ------$1.00 Knowing where to tap ------$9,999.00

Moral of story is: "Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference"

79] There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch. He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears. He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile! The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!! He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?" "It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz. The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away. The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases." The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems U need for your new watch."

80] A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??" Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

81] A professor to Tintu: "what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?" Tintu: "JIMBALAKDI PAMBA" professor: "I don’t understand anything" Tintu: "same 2 you"

82] Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

83] A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television." There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

84] A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination. Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him: Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!” The man said, “I do not like where I was buried, so I am relocating”.. The policemen ran for their lives.

85] Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little farther forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No, nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this', and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.' Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor. Anyone can count the seeds in an apple; but only God can count the apples in a seed .

86] A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build. “Twenty years”, replied the guide. ”You Indians are a lazy lot’, the tourist said. “In my country, this could have been built in five”. At Agra he admired the Taj.s beauty and asked “how many years it took to build”? “Only ten years” said the guide. The tourist retorted: “You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half”. In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked “what it was”, the guide replied: “I don’t know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening”.

87] Two employers were talking. Said one “I fear that young man I employed last week as a cashier is dishonest”. “Oh”, replied the other, “you shouldn’t judge by appearances. ”I’m not. I’m judging by disappearances”

88] A traveler walking along a road asked an old man working in a field to how long it would take to get to the next village. But the old man didn’t answer, so the traveler kept walking. He hadn’t gone far when he heard a call: “Hi, mister, it’ll take you about 20 minutes”. “Why didn’t you tell me that when I asked you”?. asked the traveler. “How did I know how fast you were going to walk”?. replied the old man.

89] An eager young man entered his prospective boss’s cabin for an interview, Said the boss “One thing our company is very particular about is cleanliness. I hope you wiped your shoes on the doormat while coming in”?. “Yes, sir”, the young man replied promptly. Back came the rejoinder, “One more thing we’re very particular about is honesty. There is no doormat outside”!.

90] The sign on the door of a lawyer’s chamber reads: “Where there is a will, there is a way; where there is a way, there is law; where there is law, there is a rule; where there is a rule, there is a loophole; where there is a loophole; there is a lawyer; and so here I am.”

91] A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked, “How many times have you been imprisoned”? “Nine, your Honour..” said defendant. “Nine”? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence”. “Maximum sentence”? said the defendant. “Don’t you give your regular clients a discount”?

92] “My father wants me to have everything he did not have when he was a boy” said the son. “What didn’t he have”? replied the mother. “All A’s on his report card”. Said the son. 93] The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement. He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS.

94] Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well- dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money”, He demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this. I’m a politician”!. “In that case”, replied the robber, “give me my money”!

95] Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a bomb, which one of them had in his lap. ”Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute”, said the man carrying the explosive. “Don’t worry”, the driver assured him, “we have got a spare one in the boot”.

96] A patient complains to a famous psychologist: “Professor, I’ve been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me”. “Who’s been treating you until now”? “Dr Lal Rathor”. “I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do” said the psychologist. ‘To come and see you” said the patient.

97] Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. “Be careful”, he said to his wife. You’ll bring out the beast in me”. “So what”? his wife shot back “Who’s afraid of a mouse”?

98] Teacher: .Who were the first human beings?. Pupil: .Adam and Eve.. Teacher: .And what nationality were they?. Pupil: Indian, of course.. Teacher: .And how do you know they were Indian?. Pupil: .Easy. They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear and only one apple between them – and they called it Paradise.

99] One day Claude came home from work to find his wife painting one side of the car blue. She’d divided the car neatly in half and had already painted the other side bright yellow. ”What on earth are you doing”? asked Claude. ”Simple”! she replied. “You know I’ve had so many accidents and I always get caught due to the statements of the witnesses in court. Now, if I have an accident, you watch them fight it out trying to decide what colour car caused the accident!”

100] Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''

101] A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry." "Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. "Nope. Don't have that." "Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stupid store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key." 102] The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

103] A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply. Two fat men

104] Q. What do you call two fat men having a chat? A. A heavy discussion.

105] A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

106] A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

107] Walking home after a Halloween party, two young men decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery for a thrill. They both stopped abruptly when they heard a mysterious tap-tap-tapping noise in the shadows. Their eyes grew large until the mist cleared and they saw an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping at one of the headstones. "Geez, mister!" one of them exclaimed. "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" The old man replied angrily, "Those darn fools misspelled my name!"

108] At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight. She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."

109] An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

110] A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir." "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir." "Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

111] An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat. "My dad has built them." Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "It's my dad who's killed it!"

112] Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?" "Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?" "There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards." "Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."

113] So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

114] Pay for your past bills A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

115] We could have been here sooner An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

116] Are caterpillars good to eat? Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's food, but now it's gone

117] New hearing aid Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

118] Sue over the property Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!" "Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil. "I'll sue you if I have to," answered God. "Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

119] Pessimist and a dog An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

120] Want to be healed? Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

121] Good & bad news An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

122] My dog doesn’t ride a bike Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said "Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike." "Oh" said Mrs Green "That could NOT have been my dog" "Oh, why not?" replied her neighbor "I’m pretty sure it was her" "Well" stated Mrs. Green smiling "my dog doesn’t ride a bike" 123] How to interview for a job after being fired. A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. I must say, says the executive, your work history is terrible." "You’ve been fired from every job. Yes, says the man. Well, continues the executive, there is not much positive in that. Hey! says the guy as he pokes the application. At least I am not a quitter.

124] Bania blood A rich Sardarji needed blood for his heart surgery. He got it from a poor Bania. Sardarji gave him 5 million dollars. Once again the Sardar needed blood for surgery. Bania was more than happy to donate blood again. This time, Sardar just gave him a Cadburies Chocolate. Bania asked the reason. Sardar: Now I also have Bania blood in my body.

125] Thank God A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.” Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are you absolutely sure I’m drunk?” “Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the cop “Let’s go.” Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

126] What’s the difference? A man went to face an interviewer. Board of Directors asked him, “Tell the difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISH”. The man replied, I am clarifying with the example, “When u marry a right person you are “Complete” and when you marry the wrong one you are “Finish”.

127] Husband & wife - Why divorce? In a divorce court a woman told the judge: "Your honour, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

128] Love your enemy From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die, I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy!" "Yes, I know that. I've suffered all these years; so let him suffer now."

129] No answer back A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dare to answer back."

130] Talking Dog A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "Please don't!" said the dog. "If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"

131] Don't copy if you can't paste! A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience He said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added "And that woman was my mother" Laughter and applause. A week later, a top IT manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife". The wife went wild with shock and rage. Standing there for 30 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out ".... and I can't remember who she was!"

132] Same service A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counsellor. "You're still getting the same service!"

133] American VS Japanese Management. The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem....

134] Two Scottish nuns Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "That’s odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part… did you get…?"

135] It is hereditary A cop stops one man and tells him “I’ve got to fine you! You were going 90! Can you explain that?” “It’s hereditary! All three of my father, grandfather and great grandfather have gone after 90 years”.

136] The Chinese Student who learnt English A Chinese student was learning English from a 30 day rapid learner book. He decided to try it out in the college canteen. When served coffee he replied: Thank you sir or madam, as the case may be.

137] That it was me Child: Mom, today my teacher caned me for telling the correct answer. Mom: What was the question and what did you answer? Child: He asked me who threw a paper-rocket at him and I gave him the correct answer that it was me.

138] Dumb Santa: Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense? Banta: No, tell me how? Santa: I will tell you next week. 139] Nobel prize Hiralal is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. Hiralal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" Bhola replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks Hiralal, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

140] Look like an angel Beggar to a lady: You look like an angel. Kindly give some alms to this blind beggar. Wife: Look how he is trying to cheat telling he is blind. Husband: He sure should be blind. Wife: How do you say? Husband: He told that you look like an angel.

141] Why should I pay? Doctor: Your wife's operation will cost a lot. Are you sure you want me to go ahead? Husband: Whether you cure her or kill her, you will sure get your money. The wife died after the operation. Doctor: I am sorry this happened but you will have to pay me for the operation. Husband: Did you cure my wife? Doctor: No Husband: Did you kill my wife? Doctor: No, not at all. Husband: Well then, why should I pay you then?

142] Amusing School Jokes Collection VIP: Sorry, I cannot attend your college annual day function. I have a sore throat and hence I cannot speak. Student Secretary: Don't worry sir, that's why we invited you.

143] Who is stupid A new teacher tries to teach psychology to children. She enters the classroom saying: “Whoever thinks he is stupid, please stand up!” After a few seconds a student stands up. The teacher addresses the little boy: “Why do you think you are stupid?” “I am not stupid, miss, but I felt weird because you were the only one standing!

144] Gold fish buried Little Johnny was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbour looked over the fence and asked "What are you doing here, son? "I’ve just buried my goldfish; it died" replied Little Johnny tearfully. "That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish" said the neighbour. Patting down the last bit of earth, Little Johnny said "That’s because my goldfish is inside your stupid cat".

145] Patient and Nurse Joke Nurse: You can book an appointment with the doctor only next week by paying 200$. He is in high demand now. Patient: But I might be dead by then. Nurse: Oh, don't worry. We will refund 50 percent of the advance if you cancel the appointment.

146] My wife found it A man complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone! ''What happened?' asked the friend. 'Ahhhh ... my wife found out ...'

147] Lord's Army A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

148] Tom and Thimothy Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e- mails. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: 'This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself.' Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, 'You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend.'

149] PSYCHIC AND FROG A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

150] SHE IS DEAD The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

151] GOD IS WATCHING APPLES The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

152] USED BRAINS In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

153] YOU WILL GET MORE An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond using his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English or Arabic. The Amish man replies : "Use both hands. You'll get more." 154] I AM LOST DIRECTION A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

155] YOU ASK A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ". 156] WHY WHITE DRESS Son asked his mother the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

157] THREE NUNS Three New York City Italian Nuns Die and Go to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna", and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the ''Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

158] INTERVIEW WITH A DEVOUT JEW In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a wall." 159] MARRIED TO YOUR SISTER A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

160] you are all the same One Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

161] Flight instructor –check heading The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There’s a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don’t worry about the expense. So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let’s go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, ‘See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can.’ Incredulous, the pilot says, ‘You want me to fly over that fire?’ ‘Sure,’ the reporter says, ‘I am a photojournalist and that’s why I am here–to take dramatic shots of the fire!’ The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, ‘You’re not the flight instructor?’

162] Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

163] Beautiful There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

164] Memory Class An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

165] The whole truth At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

166] Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

167] A Really Bad Day There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife ran away with our gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

168] Lethal Food A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?" "You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

169] Shocking bill A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill, “I am shocked” she complained. “This is three times what you normally charge”. “Yes, I know” said the dentist, “But you yelled so loud that, you scared away two other patients”.

170] Thank Joe

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

171] Sharing Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

172] Why give up now? A judge was trying to convince a woman filing for divorce to change her mind “you’re 92 he said, you’re husband’s 94 you’ve been married for 73 years, why give up now?” “Our marriage has been on the rocks for quite a while” the woman explained “but we decided to wait until our children died.”

173] Paying for groceries A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”

174] I am a stranger A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man. He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?" The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

175] Give you both A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket." The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?" The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

176] Playing doctor My child Mike, was playing doctor with his friend Jim. “I’m so sick” said my son, “Can you please take a look at me.” “Sure” said Jim taking out his toy stethoscope, after a few seconds of listening closely to his heart, he said sadly, “Oh Mike, you have a broken arm!

176b] Don’t go mad A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'

177] Why live to be 80? Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?

178] Death note Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

179] Who is this? A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, 'June.' 'Yes, this is June.' 'Will you marry me?' 'Of course I will! Who's this?'

180] Moved to correct seat A passenger gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The lady replies, "I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks her to leave. The lady yet again repeats "I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the lady is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to her and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

181] I am an attorney A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

182] My Rolex A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!" 183] The politician's Swiss bank account A politician had hoarded lots of money and wanted to stash it in a Swiss bank account. He went to Switzerland but didn't know how to proceed with the formalities of opening a secret bank account. He asked the hotel receptionist. Hotel receptionist: Why sir, my friend works in the Swiss Bank and would be able to open you the secret bank account. He took him to his friend and the politician handed him a million dollars and asked him to open the account. The receptionist's friend gave him a piece of paper with the account number and told him: "Please guard this number and don't give it to anyone. Open it after you reach home and keep it secretive". The politician opened the piece of paper after he reached home and it was written on it: Your account number is 1. Please recommend our bank to your friend’s sir!

184] Hunting

A group of friends went deer hunting and decided to pair off in two's for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight- point buck. "Where's Ed?" the other hunters asked. Ed's hunting partner, Brian, replied, "Ed must have had a heart attack. He just keeled over and died a couple of miles back up the trail." The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Ed laying out there and carried the deer back?" "It was a tough call," nodded Brian. "But I figured that nobody would steal Ed."

185] Funeral director A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' 'The funeral director,' said his wife.

186] Funny Hippie Joke An obese hippie wanted to turn a new leaf and wanted to join the police force. But he was found overweight by ten pounds (more than what was required to join the police force). He ran to the nearest barber shop and had a haircut. Now he was weighing just 2 pounds more than the limit. The police official in charge of the measurement said, "Look here son, whether you weigh 10 pounds more or 2 pounds more, rule is a rule. You have to weigh 2 more pounds lesser in order to become eligible for the police force recruitment". The hippie said, "Don't worry about it sir. I am yet to have a bath!"

187] Santa Banta Santa became a police inspector and Banta paid him a visit. Banta asked: Who are the people in these photographs hanging on the wall? Santa: They are the most wanted and notorious criminals. Banta: Your police department is foolish. Why didn't you arrest them when taking the photo?

188] The millionaire husband Man 1: I became a millionaire after marriage. Man 2: Wow! Your wife has sure bought lots of luck to you. Man 1: Actually I was a billionaire before marriage.

189] Correct answer Child: Mom, today my teacher caned me for telling the correct answer. Mom: What was the question and what did you answer? Child: He asked me who threw a paper-rocket at him and I gave him the correct answer that it was me. 190] Escape from mental hospital A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have escaped."

191] They are at the funeral It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

192] Missing Husband A married couple have been out shopping for hours when the wife realizes that her husband has disappeared.So she calls his cell phone. "Where are you!?" she yells. "Darling," he says, "do you remember that jewelry shop, the one where you saw that diamond necklace you loved? But I didn't have enough money at the time, so I said, 'Baby, it will be yours one day'?" "Yes! she shouts, excitedly." "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

193] Oh my God Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

194] Can I have a penny Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to! you?" The Lord replies, "A penny. "Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".

195] Make sure he is dead A man is at his lawyer's funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."

196] Bill wash your face Dad: Bill, wash your face! I can see what you had for breakfast this morning. Bill: What did I have? Dad: Eggs. Bill: Wrong. That was yesterday!

197] Where is the lawyer? One day Saint Peter and Lucifer were having a problem with their boundaries. The following was their dialogue: Saint Peter: Your fence is a little bit on my side. Lucifer: Yes, but I won't move it an inch. St. Peter: Then I'll sue you. Lucifer: Oh yeah? Where do you think you'll get a lawyer.

198] Return my photo The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

199] Daddy is going to war The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

200] Stanford study A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive- compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.

201] Amal and Juan A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

202] Cheque in the casket Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.