1) the Dialogue As Jeffery Leaves Is Unclear As to What Is Happening

1) The dialogue as Jeffery leaves is unclear as to what is happening. You need to make it clear that he is eagerly abandoning the conversation with someone in the theater as he steps out and that another agent is addressing him from without, contradicting his fleeting response to the person in the theater. It is very crucial that this be clear. Page one is off immense importance and has to be absolutely limpid.

2) You have to let the reader know in a very unambiguous way that this first scene, with Jeffery is important but that it is not central. It is a set up scene like the beginning of the cop shows like Law and Order. You also need a better seque to the first sentence of the following section something like this

As Jeffery fell, the figure vanished into the night. The night, of course, shielded Jeffrey’s body from the unseemly stares of the few people who left the theater, that night, by the back door. Soon enough, though, the alley was cordoned off and crawling with activity. Night had given way to day and the keepers, in their curt, professional way, were deep into the investigation.

3) The main characters are appealing and consistent. The dialogue is unexceptional but functional and utilitarian. It is good enough that you ought to get rid of all the “he nodded,” “she clarified,” “Olive whispered,” stuff. The context will give the reader all he/she needs. Also you don’t need to have your characters dancing about and arranging themselves in space during their conversations – “he stepped back,” “she frowned,” “x scooted over on the couch,” etc. You can do away with 90% of the choreography. Again, the dialogue could be better, but it is good enough to carry its weight without the crutches. The settings descriptions are, perhaps, a bit spare, but quite functional. You are doing a better job now, introjecting the info that the reader needs in a graceful, flowing way.

4) We need to know more about the characters. In general, we need to know about the values, character traits, quirks, and petty prejudices and preferences of the main characters. What kind of things to they make? What do they read? Do they dust the knick-knack shelf? How do they dress (not necessarily descriptive but check this out “No matter how cheap or expensive the suit, it was always rumpled and Charles looked like he had just stepped out of a boxcar”

5) At this point, the best developed of the minor characters is “dad.” Olive is ubiquitous but remains fairly blank. The reader should, by the third mention, have some idea of the types of things she is going to do or say. You should not bother to name anyone who is not going to figure in the story. If, for example, Chris, is not going to figure in the story than he could be “a guy at the party,” Naming a character is asking the reader to remember that character. For the reader to do so, the author must provide the mnemonics. Dealing with lots of named characters is difficult for readers even when, as with Dostievski, Tolstoy, Trollope, Dickens, and Tolkien, the characters are vital to the unfolding story. (In my view, however, Tolkien goes overboard with names because his names are exotic and poetic and he loves them. If not for the affectation of elfish and wargish tongues however, and he was naming his characters Jim, Debbie, Alexander, Claus, etc. he would not have burdened his readers with such a number of names to keep in mind. 5) With Naomi Grace (why not either Naomi or Grace since she is going to be murdered?) you need to seed in a hint of her nefarious activity when we meet her. Perhaps she could notice a hum of activity issuing from that door. It is ajar – then glancing around quickly she could take a deep breath and stride over to shut it tight, even locking it, perhaps. Then later, when her murderer glances at the door the reader will take note. Then when the whole thing of the illegals comes out, the reader will feel good. They knew something was amiss and now they know what.

6) The thing about the cats is working. Be careful, though, plenty of readers like cats and will be quick to take offense.

7) So, dad is perplexed about this “Hermes the Serial Killer” business? Well the reader is likewise and that perplexity could turn into annoyance unless you deal with it in short order. Even if Hermes confuses the other characters, he should not confuse the reader. Mystery is fine, but perplexity is not, not for any extended period. The clock is ticking.

8) In sum, the story is worthwhile and has much going for it. You, however, are in a bit of a bind. You should probably finish the rough draft of the entire novella before you subject it to the sorts of edits I suggest. But... you do need to present me with a very polished product by June 5. So, you have to decide. Your options are: a) Continue to work on the rough draft of the novella and present a different story to me as your project. b) Disrupt your rough draft to complete and polish a section of the evolving novella – if you do this, you may end up impinging on the free emergence of the remainder of the novella. I am not familiar enough with your writerly ways to advise you as to which option is best. Unless you are superstitious, b is probably the path of least resistance.