SEMESTER 1, WEEK 1 3 MARCH, 2010

ONCE UPON A TIME: Will fanfiction kill the literature star? Interview with Triple J's Tom + Alex

Mardi Gras? More like Parti Gras*! *see what we did there? Uni-Cycle: Crime on Campus Oscars: Avatar vs. Hurt Locker 10 The Arts Hole w MArdi Gras SCREEN PARADE + FilmSoc President Hansen Ding Carmen Culina has a gay old time. After Party has a few things to say about Though today’s Mardi Gras is a magnet for close, but even with only ten people deep it is Tropfest. scantily clad adolescents verbing on the steps hopeless.” Turning to the mass of squealing of Town Hall, it has not always been an teenagers in knee-high socks and ‘Free Hugs’ attraction for hoards of keyed-up youths. t-shirts, he continued, “It is a bit of a funny Lisa Jenkins has watched the profile and crowd. I think I’m going home.” popularity of the parade change,. She recalls, “Fifteen years ago you could take your pick of front-row spots, but your mates Now, I am proud of the unbridled enthusiasm would also diss you for going along”. Such with which our city embraces the parade..I’m To be sure, lavish prizes and celebrity also happy to have more young people sentiment has been replaced by a general judges are pretty good at drawing a crowd make the connection between tolerance and acceptance by teenyboppers.Seventeen-year- and improving an event. But this year celebration, even if the association is tenuously old Sascha Brenthan thinks that her age it seems the organisers of Tropfest have group is particularly enthusiastic because formed by glow-sticks and angel wings. The She’s a lady. Woah, woah, woah, she’s a lady. forgotten that the average aspiring short there are so few events like it in Sydney. “It’s demographic just makes it increasingly hard to in here is great and the music is kickin’ too.” just about dressing up and having fun,” she remember that the reason you are out in the film director works in a cubicle with the She was also impressed by the quality of the said, adjusting her nurse outfit in front of the city is to celebrate queers, and not corset-clad enthusiasm of a perpetually depressed gals: “Sydney’s lesbians are incredibly well mirror in the Hungry Jacks ladies’ toilets. yuppies. snail, is alien to the concept of non- dressed, there are a range of ages here and discount seafood and had his girlfriend everyone looks fantastic – you don’t see that It was with great relief then, that I was able leave him last week for a publicist named The parade’s increasing popularity means in Vancouver.” Boom – consider that another to escape the streets into the Arthouse for the Chad. All the average Tropfest entrant that latecomers must either elbow their way gold for the team, ladies. through the teeming crowds that line Oxford post-parade ladies’ night. Tongue Twisters 4 really wants is to make films and have St. vainly hoping to of catch a glimpse of made the most of the incredible two-storey them noticed. The Mardi Gras festivities are far from over. a glittered body on a float, or undertake a venue, with over 1000 guests partying to The festival will culminate with the Mardi crash course in teen subcultures led by the Sydney’s hottest lady DJs as they grooved Tropfest began as a festival to give much Gras Party this Saturday, headed up by David costumed, drunk youngsters who commandeer up a storm. Taryn Swiatek, who decided to Guetta at the Hordern Pavilion. The $135 needed exposure and attention to the Hyde Park for the evening. Chris Eskra from swap the Winter Olympics for Mardi Gras, tickets should prevent attendees feeling like aforementioned short filmmakers. All Miami,who arrived in the hour before the was impressed by the after party. “I soon they are trapped in schoolies on a dress-up you needed was a good idea and a whole parade, said, “I spent 50 minutes trying to get gave up on the parade, but the atmosphere night. load of dedication and passion, and you could have a shot at winning and being noticed. It hardly mattered that you didn’t have ten thousand dollars to spend on RECLAIM equipment and industry connections. Yet at this year’s Tropfest, at my counting STREET THE LANES thirteen of the sixteen finalists were shot on rather expensive film equipment (the Lewis d’Avigdor got down and dirty with Newtown’s downest and dirtiest. other three were animated), at least ten seemed to have used professional actors Reclaim the Lanes is an irreverent roving achieved its aims: it reclaimed lanes! (including one film which starred Pia street party, where the residents of Throughout the morning, an eager Miranda) and one cringe-inducing film Newtown briefly assert their right to romp contingent gathered at the Hub, before called “Fuck Hollywood, We’re Indie and about the streets. While the festival is in launching onto Enmore Road at 2pm Proud” ironically used no less than ten part a protest against the dominance of and then camping down for a nearby different sets in the space of five minutes. the car in Sydney, it is more a celebration lane-party. A local band, Rocket Head, of community and the neighbourhood. started cranking out some grungy tunes I thought every finalist film was well-made I caught up with Dave Bentley, part of on a makeshift stage before another local and showed a lot of dedication and hard a loose collective of 40-odd musicians, act, Svelt, kept the party going with some It was cheaper to get this child to hold this work. However the final selection seemed sign than an actual signpost. artists and DJs who organised the event. psychedelic drum-and-bass. somewhat elevated considering the casual “It was not anti-anything,” according to nature of the event. The majority of naked mudslinging rave and kept the Bentley. “It was more of a safe, friendly And at the same time, up to 15 wheelie- entrants, in contrast to the finalists, shot dream alive. The collective kept its and environmentally sound party than a bin sound systems started pumping out on video, not film, and they shot without word to the police and council and, protest. That’s why we chose the lanes, dub, break-core, hip-hop and psy-trance. real sets or actors. These film makers, after a tremendous set by Paul Mac and not the major thoroughfares. As much All I can say is that you haven’t partied disenfranchised by the industry and Seymour Butz, called it a day at 10pm as the traditional aims of reclaiming the until you’ve danced with Technoviking looking for a way to get their foot in the on the dot. streets from cars are worthwhile, it was impersonators, wearing only budgie door, are once again left in the cold like more about encouraging and celebrating smugglers and stomping away to a ginger-headed stepchildren, just like when Unless you’re inclined to view these an explosion of art, music and culture wheelie-bin sound system. (And for those their girlfriends dumped them for Chad. party/protesters as a bunch of hippie- in a space that is largely forgotten: our of you who haven’t seen the YouTube In an effort to be inclusive all Tropfest anarchist degenerates, it’s hard not laneways.” sensation that is Technoviking: I pity you). has done is create another group of mini to be swayed by the innocent joy The event wasn’t just about music; patricians atop the mobs who still have of reclaiming the lanes. No money The Reclaim the Lanes concept is a it included street performers and art no idea how to begin making films and was made by the organisers, none global phenomenon that originated as installations, the best of which was a four- get them seen. I’m happy that Tropfest is of the artists were paid, no political “Reclaim the Streets” in the UK in the foot gorilla made out of recycled tyres now popular and well attended, and its programme was rammed down your early 90s. Despite this transnational and mounted on wheels. Its creator, USyd finalists are now very high quality, but the throat and no thuggery was tolerated. dimension, its many incarnations education student Mark Swartz, dragged majority of short film makers need to be You only had to glance to the signs, around the world are truly localised it up and down Newtown’s streets, much acknowledged before they flock to a new “DON’T PISS WHERE YOU and spontaneous. The recent Reclaim to the delight of kids (and adults) who Tropfest, replacing the desperate thirty PARTY!”, “YOU HAVE THE RIGHT the Lanes of 13 February 2010 can be eagerly took a ride. year old festival for her warmer, younger TO REMAIN FABULOUS” and, my seen as the resurgent younger sibling sister. As a matter of fact, even the two- favourite, held by an adorable toddler, of the Reclaim the Street festivals As co-operative police (who were probably year-old Tropfest New York is essentially “NO VOMITING”. Nobody stood to which dominated the suburbs of Glebe, just happy they weren’t at GoodVibes) becoming everything Tropfest Australia gain or profit except those who turned Newtown and the CBD in the final years looked on, the party danced through has lost. of last century. lanes, past the Carlisle Castle Hotel up and were able to shimmy on the streets normally dominated by cars. and towards its final destination of So watch out Tropfest. Your hubris will Although bad weather meant that the Camperdown Park, where a stage was set be your undoing, just like Chad’s, who For those of you keen to get involved, attendance rate was not quite as high as up to continue the shindig for about 1000 will find a nice surprise on his convertible Reclaim the Lanes likely to happen the 4035 confirmed guests that Facebook people. Although the rain dampened the parked outside of Skygarden on again next year so watch the streets of foresaw, more than 1500 braved the atmos towards the end, the more hardcore Castlereagh every Wednesday afternoon. rain, made an appearance and the event festival-goers enthusiastically started a Newtown for posters or contact [email protected]. 2

This Week's: 100% pure certified shit CONTENTS Heaviest thing thrown at the ceiling fan: Joe Smith-Davies Worst/ most amazing rejected cover: Edward Cullen. Nekkid. HONI SOIT, EDITION 1 Animal that’s most lived up to its name: Killer Whale 3 MARCH, 2010 Song: Justin Bieber One Love, but only because we though it was lesbian pop PROPERTY OF SYDNEY UNI Old-timey phrase du jour: ‘Pow! Right in the kisser’ Bridie Connellan gives thumbs down to Angus and Julia. 11 The Post 03 Jacinta Mulders gets her fashion-snob on. Not a bad turnout considering we printed both Rachel Goldsmith reviews The Hurt Locker. an incorrect email and a nonexistent one in our call for comments. Our bad. The Uni-Cycle 04 The Mains 12 David Mack reports on the student-attack on Georgia Flynn is a fan of fanfiction. Cumberland campus. Bridie Connellan on USyd’s theatrical whodunnit. Paris Cowan investigates USyd’s new discrimination policy . SRC 14 Tom Kaldor schools us on Senate. 05 SUPRA 16 The Usual Suspects Anusha Rutnam hears hearsay and says it: More Union hopefuls; Manning in the real papers; Rossi for 06 The Lodgers 18 President and a Banger in the Mouth. Joe Payten studied college freshers. Carlo Ritchie loves a good yeasty beverage. Lewis d’Avigdor got loose in India. FIRST WEEK BACK Jacinta Mulders tells us how to fake Fellini Robert Chiarella’s milkshake brings all the without peeing on him. boys to the yard. Bridie Connellan thinks Eddie McGuire deserves a good boning. 07 THE HYPOTHETICAL: David Mulligan fails to capture the flag. The Score Would you rather Countdown: Five ways to know the party’s over. Never wear shoes Chris Martin wraps up the Winter 19 or Olympics. The Profile 09 Henry Hawthorne and David Mack Always wear shoes? FAQS David Mack chats it up with some fight over the Oscars. professional talkers. Can they be socks? Bletchley Park 20 Only if they are socks with laces and leather soles. Non-slip The Arts-Hole 10 Riddle me this. socks do not count as shoes. Tenpin Bowling OH&S If I choose no shoes, can I go tenpin bowling? Carmen Cullina is so gay right now. We sincerely hope so, but it really depends on how strictly Lewis d’Avigdor reclaims the lanes. your local (Cth). Alleyman adheres to the Act 1985 Hansen Ding has beef with Tropfest. If I choose shoes, am I allowed to go into the houses The Garter 21 - 23 of my Japanese friends? Only if you tie paper bags over your shoes. If I choose no shoes, can I exchange my human feet for cloven hooves? We don’t think you are taking this very seriously. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Anusha Rutnam EDITORS Bridie Connellan, Carmen Culina, Naomi Hart, Henry Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, David Mack, Joe Payten, Joe Smith-Davies, Diana Tjoeng REPORTERS Robert Chiarella, Lewis d’Avigdor, Rachel Goldsmith, Georgia Flynn, Chris Martin, Jacinta Mulders, David Mulligan, Carlo Ritchie CONTRIBUTORS Paris Cowan, Hansen Ding, Tom Kaldor PUZZLES & CROSSWORD Benny Davis & Mark Sutton

off to first class!!! won’t miss one this year!! all readings done! :) DISCLAIMER 8.57 March 1 Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, Oh...a butterfly...heading NSW, 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC towards Manning. acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. 9.01 March 1 Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson and Andy Thomas. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. The Post 3 30 a.m. during the weekend of the NUS A great first SGM, Tom asked the equally sociable Alex Hind whether he’d like coffee - EDITORIAL issue. Now Alex replied, telling Tom that he’d take CONTENTS ‘Sup cats, welcome back to uni a long black. Tom then set a course for community of people who seek to HONI SOIT, EDITION 1 and the first real edition of Honi don’t fuck it the depths of farce when he began to bring a little joy into our humdrum 3 MARCH, 2010 Soit (jks, Bridie). In my experience lives. I speak of course, about the lampoon Alex, calling him “Mr. I don’t up. the first week back at uni is a time fanfiction authors and enthusiasts take milk in my coffee” this quickly marked by cloud-licking highs and who know how to take a good idea degenerated into an exercise in poorly ass-scraping lows. To the Eds: and run with it. I have nothing but conjugated insults and feigned machismo admiration for these writers who chest puffing before its eventual defusal Take for example the sandstone- don’t finish a good book only to Kudos! This edition has been a most by myself and former SRC President inspired exhilaration one feels grumble about the fact that there enjoyable read. Noah White. walking through the Quad for the isn’t a sequel – homies write it first time in months. This elation is themselves. Much love, It is worth noting that HS editors promptly tempered by the sight of 12 present during the period of production the queue to the Timetabling office, Sara Amorosi conveyed to myself and other SRC snaking from the depths of Carslaw Unfortunately I must end on a much all the way up to Donut King. Science IV Office Bearers that the behaviour more serious note; it was with shock However bad your timetable is, I’m exhibited particularly by Mr. Green I learned that a Sydney University pretty sure it’s not worth it. student was attacked and robbed last made them deeply uncomfortable. week, outside Cumberland campus. 14 You fucked it The SRC is presently considering the Then there is the almost The horror of such violent crimes is question of revoking the 24-hour swipe orgasmic pleasure of buying new all the more extreme when the victim 16 up. card access of the involved persons. stationary. Needle-sharp pencils, is a member of one’s own community colour coded folders and the and I am sure I can speak for To Whomsoever determines Mr. Scriven was not without his points blankest of notebooks all gleam everyone at Sydney Uni in wishing 18 the Sudoku difficulty: of interest. Spending the majority of with the promise of a semester her the speediest of recoveries. his time taking photographs of himself of unprecedented scholarly I don’t purport to be a Sudoku Master, using an SRC iMac, developing his organisation. It is only by the end Please contact the police if you have but it must take very little for you to shit distinct breed of absentminded vanity, of your first lecture that you realise any information on this crime. that you probably didn’t need all yourself. he said little of value and accomplished that crap to draw cartoons of your less. I knew things were going to be It serves as a timely reminder to all lecturer and to practice cool new students about the need to look out Perhaps consider investing in Huggies? complicated when I came into the signatures (yeah, I still do that). for your own safety. Seriously kids, editorial office one morning to discover y’all mean too much to me. Sara Amorosi that Youth Allowance information had Given this somewhat melancholy 19 Science IV been irreparably deleted and replaced outlook on reality, it was with with four pages of Lorem Ipsum holding pleasure that I learned about a Anusha Rutnam Inside the text under the heading “This is not art”. Having spent two weeks of my life 20 O-Week wading through an intellectually barren On a further note, the letter published marshland of half-baked, half-wit, last week, “Our handbook brings all Submit to us. Handbook anarcho-communist, fuck-knuckles, to the boys to the yard”, ghost written by Think you’ve got what produce an essential student information the inimitable Tom Green on behalf of debacle document, I am inclined to take a dim it takes to write The Garter 21 - 23 O-Week HB editors, certainly does not something for Honi? I do love a good schism – especially view of any assertion made by this speak for me. when I’m right. publication that I was in any way to Well listen up buddy... blame for the inevitable collapse of the May the defamation proceedings begin you probably do. The behaviour of Tom Green and editorial structure. – the defence of truth stands ready by Send in any submissions Tim Scriven in the production of this my side. It is worth noting that I was not sacked to year’s O-Week Handbook was nothing [email protected] short of vile and egregious. Credit as you asserted – Messrs. Green and Patrick Massarani SRC Welfare Officer where credit is due, Mr. Green was the Scriven however, were. I had the Arts/Law II prime offender; his editing sessions were pleasure of resigning gracefully, briefing punctuated by not infrequent swigs of the hardworking Publications Managers FACT! on the task ahead before riding quietly Ballantine’s whiskey and more frequent The horse that played into the sunset. Also going without note Love mail? Hate mail? Alpha male? puffs of cheap cigarettes. It is hardly Mr Ed had to be dubbed surprising then that the sum value of last week was the work of Mel Brooks his literary efforts was negligible and his and Anne Hanley in assisting myself to SEND IT ALL TO because in real life he only behaviour often volatile. recreate the masses of content deleted [email protected] spoke Spanish. by the resident pack of self-inflated The most memorable moment was philistines. reported, albeit sedately, last week. At 1 Stuff that should have been included in the SRC O-week Showbag, thus making us even more the inclined to steal it.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with • Novelty stationery (more) Fisher. Fisherstalker Library, that is, on a warm Saturday afternoon, where you, yes you, went to seek shelter • Cocaine (or, if too expensive, 3D glasses) and borrow a book or two. • Fake Israeli passports Remember, my delicate little flower? I do. Remember your hot pink shirt paired sensibly with black slacks • Fake Access cards (Mossad quality) with a peek of your golden sandals? I do. Remember the book you borrowed about Neurology? I do. • A copy of Honi. Christ. Remember your time trawling through books in Reserve, struggling with photocopiers and then • Oscar nomination for Best Picture - because heading downstairs when you meant to go up? I do, and I’ll never forget. they’re handing them out like candy! When you left the library, you were smart to wear that visor as it shielded your face, and the umbrella was a nice touch considering the heat. Crossing City Rd, • Tony Abbott’s dignity - because he’s handing it out you hopped on the 422 and out of my life, but not out of my mind. like candy! THINK you were stalked this week? Send a photo of yourself to [email protected] and we’ll ask this creep if it was really you. • Candy! If correct, you’ll win a prize. 4 The Uni-Cycle Drama at SUDS Student stabbed at as money goes Cumberland Campus missing David Mack reports. A 33-year-old woman is recovering in Morning Herald that it was the first attack Bridie Connellan gets her Nancy Drew on. hospital after being stabbed 15 times of its kind at the campus, but that more while walking home last Monday night security guards would be added to the Despite soaring membership sign-ups, at Sydney Uni’s Cumberland campus. 24-hour campus patrol. O-Week proved financially devastating for the Sydney University Dramatic The woman was walking past the Inspector Matt Walker from the Society (SUDS) as approximately $6000 University campus at East Street at Flemington Local Area Command worth of sign-up fees were stolen from Lidcombe around 8pm when she was told the Herald that the violent robbery the Cellar Theatre. attacked. was uncommon for this area. “Street robberies don’t come more serious than A cashbox holding the funds was stolen Police said the Chinese student was that,” he said. from the performance space underneath stabbed in the back, neck and chest by a the Holme Building, as it sat in a trolley man who also stole her phone and other Honi Soit reminds all students that the taken from the SUDS O-Week stall. belongings before running off. University runs a ‘UniSafe’ program, with brochures available containing Cast members of the upcoming The woman, a PhD in health sciences, advice on campus safety and preferred production A Czar is Born were unaware was assisted by a passing motorist who walking routes on all campuses. of the break-in as they rehearsed for drove her to Concord Hospital, where their Week 3 slot. she is recovering in a serious but stable Anyone with information on the emotional kick in the teeth. “We stood condition. Cumberland attack should contact strongly against VSU [voluntary student Normally such a large sum would Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000. unionism] but the sad thing is it took be banked during O-Week but with A university spokesman told The Sydney Treasurer Houston Ash on tour with something small and menacing like this SUDS/So What Production’s King Lear to affect us,” she says. at the Adelaide Fringe Festival, the hefty amount remained in the company Given the tight-knit nature of the society, Uni amends cashbox. Despite laptops, wallets and it is unfortunate that police suspect an bags surrounding the box, nothing inside job. The suspicion is cultivated else was stolen, and the theft was only by the hidden underground location of discrimination policy The Cellar and the fact that outsiders discovered the following morning as the Paris Cowan investigates. trolley was wheeled to the stall on Friday. would be unlikely to have knowledge of the cashbox’s location. According to cast Withering away somewhere in all of our The old policy read, “If the members of A Czar Is Born, the Cellar According to the University of Sydney UniMail trash folders is a dry email from discrimination occurs within the door was locked overnight, leaving Union (USU), the Cellar’s insurance Vice-Chancellor Dr Michael Spence, grounds of a Residential College that policy provides public liability cover but only a small window of opportunity for welcoming us to Semester One and is not owned by the University [that is, not does cover this type of theft. SUDS outsiders whilst the dress rehearsal took drawing our attention to recent changes Mandelbaum House, St Andrew’s, St has reported the matter to police and place. A Czar Is Born cast members report to some policy document that most John’s, St Michael’s, St Paul’s, Sancta campus security, and the USU Facilities a small group of unidentified individuals students have never heard of, and even Sophia, Wesley, Women’s College] the Manager is currently questioning loitering in the clearspace near the Cellar fewer have actually read. University cannot deal with it under this cleaners and campus staff about any entrance, but familiarity with the space policy”. suspicious activity. seems essential to the crime. “I would Both of us who read the email would like to think that I can trust everyone in have found out that the Universityís Under the new policy, however, the SUDS, like all USU Clubs and Societies, SUDS,” Gillies says. “It truly is a space Harassment and Discrimination University may take disciplinary action can receive a maximum of $4000 from where trust is a crucial part of stability, Prevention Policy has been redesigned against harassment or discrimination the USU every year. That renders the and that’s the most upsetting part.” to streamline the complaint resolution that occurs inside college grounds, theft a serious financial setback. USU process and make it easier to speak out including expulsion without the refund Clubs and Societies Assistant Gayda Fortunately, SUDS has not been against discrimination on campus. of course fees. De Mesa says the USU is sympathetic completely left in the lurch, with a to the club’s cause, but unfortunately reserve in the bank to keep them But more significantly, the policy brings A spokesperson for the Vice-Chancellor their hands are tied. “We leave clubs to soldiering for now. “As far as I’m Residential Colleges, such as the now said that the new policy “clarifies for be secure and take care of banking, so aware, SUDS has a fairly healthy bank notorious St Paul’s, under its authority. students and staff in the colleges any maybe this is just a lesson to be learned,” balance,” says De Mesa. “Something misconceptions about the behaviour like this isn’t going to kill the club.” As she says. “Unfortunately there’s not Few will have forgotten the events of expected and the intention of the really a lot we can do.” far as short term effects go, the society November last year, when our illustrious University to take action where will still be able to allocate $400 per University was hogging the front pages unacceptable behaviour occurs.” She explained that it “also clarifies for those According to SUDS President Harriet show, but will have to stall plans for $100 of the metropolitan newspapers, but for who believe they have been treated Gillies, such a blow to funding is likely mini grants which were to be allocated all the wrong reasons. inappropriately that if they come to affect the way the society is run, for five categories of theatre production (development of new work, hybrid forward the University is prepared to and is both an administrative and Those Residential Colleges were being performance, education performance, take appropriate action.” dragged through a sex discrimination performance art and staged reading). scandal launched by a Facebook group, which described itself as “anti-consent”. Anyone who feels that they have been the Negotiations with USU and fundraising The news coverage released a flood of target of harassment or discrimination is is the next step to rectify the situation, allegations of other instances of sexual encouraged to contact a Harassment and as well as the possibility of approaching discrimination and assault taking place Discrimination Support Officer. A list alumni for assistance. Club members within college grounds. of officers is available in the Staff and remain optimistic, with SUDS launching Student Equal Opportunity Unit page of the University’s website or contact its 2010 season with Deep End Diving Through this uproar, the University was the Students’ Representative Council for in Week 2. Yelling iconically off the rendered little more than a toothless confidential independent advice on Parramatta Road Footbridge, Gillies has tiger due to the independent status of 9660 5222 / [email protected] a defiant message for thieves: “We’re the privately owned colleges, which fighting ninjas, nothing can stop us doing allowed residences such as St Pauls to our theatre!” escape the jurisdiction of the University’s Official complaints can be made to the former Harassment and Discrimination Staff and Student Equal Opportunity Prevention Policy. Unit, which is located in rooms 128- No smiles at SUDS. 135 of the Demountables (H11) on Codrington Street, phone: 9351 2212. 5 What’s the Senate? Your student Senator explains it all Tom Kaldor, the undergraduate student representative on the University Senate, answers four simple questions about the peak decision-making body on campus. off on this issue. What is Senate? senior management. Senate is a body established under state How can you get involved? legislation to govern the University. What are the big issues facing For too many students, Senate is a bit like Among other things, Senate is Senate at the moment? Level 9 of Fisher: noone really knows responsible for student welfare and Two issues have captured my attention what goes on there, and noone really discipline, oversees changes to course over the past few weeks. During Week cares. This has been compounded by structures and teaching, and awards 1, the Vice-Chancellor will release his the relative secrecy that has surrounded degrees. Senate is so important it doesn’t long-awaited green paper concerning the student representation on Senate. The require a definite article (“the”) before its future of our University. Over the past fact that the undergraduate position on name. 10 days, Senate has read and discussed Senate has been traditionally reserved for a draft of the paper. The paper is an ex-Presidents of the SRC, all belonging Members of Senate (or “fellows”) extremely interesting – albeit long – to the same political faction, is one of include the Chancellor, the Vice- read. I would encourage you all to flick a range of factors that has undermined Chancellor, the Chair of the Academic through it and ideally respond, as those the relationship between students and Board, and nineteen others drawn from responses may form the basis for some of the Senate (I am the first undergraduate key interest groups in the University the biggest changes in the history of the representative since 2001 who does not community. That’s 22 in total, although University. there is currently a casual vacancy for the fit this profile). position of postgraduate representative The second issue is far more specific, This lack of interaction between (if you are keen – but more importantly, and involves the Law Faculty’s proposal students, and the key governing body of a postgraduate – stay tuned for details of to replace its graduate-but-actually- Et tu, Kaldor? our University, was a central part of my the upcoming election.) undergraduate law degree with a decision to stand for election. During postgraduate Juris Doctor. The proposal, my term, I will aim to make Senate Officially, the role of Senate fellows which was passed by Academic Board more accessible to regular students – by Unfortunately, no. is to attend and contribute to Senate last Wednesday, will now come to Senate. meetings, which happen about once a consulting with a wider range of students There is a strong perception that the For more information about Senate month. But I think the real potential for and by keeping you all informed through proposal has become a battle-ground contact Tom on [email protected] a Senate fellow to influence University the various student publications. pitting the Law Faculty against students. or go to www.usyd.edu.au/senate life lies outside of these meetings – in the It is my intention to facilitate a more Am I now allowed to call myself informal communication channels that cooperative outcome before Senate signs develop between fellows of Senate and Senator Kaldor? 6 The Usual Suspects THAT'S WHAT ROAD TEST MANNING BEERS SHE SAID Carlo Richie is a Manning bartender. You should listen to him. Anusha Rutnam wrote this. So sue me. Every year 900 Billion litres of Beer are consumed by USYD Students. MORE THEN WEIGHS THE EARTH ITSELF! How do BBBQ – THE EXTRA ‘B’ IS the 8 beers on tap match up? How to pick a as well as volunteering. We hear talk FOR BLOWJOB to face from some other Board members, beer that will earn me a nod from Carlo or an that his campaign will be run by current word has it, current President Pat older gentleman with a cane and a head full In one of the more bizarre news stories independent Board Director Mel Brooks. Bateman sees his boyfriend Dave Mann of bad dreams and hops? Well worry no more, as we, friends, embark on review that many on campus, police were called to the as a potential successor. will find at worst self-indulgent and at best Queer Collective’s barbecue during Ben Tang (3rd year Science Student) subjective. Hopefully, a little helpful too. O-week when two men were observed is running as an independent and MANNING IN THE NEWS may have scored brownie points for engaging in oral sex on the Botany Tooheys New volunteering at O-Week. The Sydney Morning Herald has run a Lawn...in broad daylight. It seems that Why would I drink a beer with Sugar Cane in one of the men involved was a former story on USyd’s Manning Bar and it (thereby breaking the Reinheitsgebot) that is editor of an Honi Soit Queer Edition. Finally, 2009 O-Week director Vivienne recent changes to its policies on booking so comparable to dregs as to be unpalatable? Curtis Dickson, who organised the BBQ, Moxham-Hall, (Arts/Science IV) who musicians. The article also discusses Well the answer is that it is extraordinarily said he did not see the act in question but has also performed in Science Revue will speculation that Manning will cease to cheap, why with Access a Jug of New will cost you 7 dollars between the hours of 4-5 any was told it happened at about 3.45pm, be running. She will likely be supported hold all-age gigs. day of the uni week. And that’s something not after most had left. Dickson called it “a by NLS despite being new to the fold. to be sneezed at. bizarre footnote to what I hope will be a Watch this space for more reports on the goings-on at Manning. successful beginning for queer activities Tooheys Old for 2010”. In related news, Honi editors ROSSI FOR USU At the same price as New, Old is probably the eagerly await their Pulitzer nomination PRESIDENT? best beer for price at Manning bar. A tasty for not making a sausage joke in this drop, with hints of chocolate and smoke Old Know will get you through the worst of times. Drink article. Current Hon. Sec. Giorgia Rossi has her something Old. Plus, people will respect you more. You eyes firmly fixed on the Presidency for we don't? might even earn that nod from a grizzled old MORE UNION BOARD her second year on the job, according hops thief. I instantly warm to people who Email us at CANDIDATES to those in the know. Rossi had a big drink Old; sometimes I’ll even stop serving first year on Board being elected to [email protected]. another customer to give the Old drinker a Even more potential candidates have Secretary and then helping to spearhead edu.au quick nod. If you’re from New England it come forward. Peter Hong (Arts Hons.) the changes made to this year’s Bull. But might even earn you a handshake. is heavily involved in clubs and societies apart from opposition she is rumoured Tooheys Extra Dry The next notch up the price range, drinkable, refreshing and for the price you can’t really go the film’s chronology is completely wrong. As a Bartender, Extra Dry’s strength scrambled, characters are introduced comes in the quality of the pour; with correct with no apparent introduction and technique you can expect a good, solid head some scenes and characters appear on the top of your glass. The best way to make HOW TO PRETEND YOU'VE gratuitous. However, this is all part of enemies of the bar staff is to try and scoop this head out with your fingers, blow it off or Fellini’s stylistic genius. As more than SEEN FELLINI'S 8½ something equally dim-witted. one viewing will demonstrate, hardly anything is purposeless, and everything The Basics Hahn Super Dry becomes significant because it can be Drink Old 8½ was released in 1963, and centres connected with something that comes around the life of a middle-aged What to Say earlier or later in the film. In light of Squire’s Golden Ale film director, Guido Anselmi, who this, one of the most offensive things Up the price bracket again, Golden Ale is Anyone who has a reasonably good is played by 60s art-house pin-up, that you can say about the film is that it tasty, smooth and brewed right. While you knowledge of the film will believe that Marcello Mastroianni. Guido, feeling ‘doesn’t make sense,’ or that ‘you don’t will spend more money in Manning, for the you know what you’re talking about if quality, it is worth the extra 70 cents. overwhelmed by the pressure he feels get it.’ You’re not supposed to get it. you mention that the film often refers to to produce his next film, retires to a You’ll infuriate your fellow film lovers itself, and other aspects of Fellini’s life. Squire’s Amber Ale health spa, where he is shortly joined even more if you don’t provide any Firstly, comment on the self-referential Same price as the Golden, and if you are a fan by his mistress, his wife, and his entire justifications. title: 8½ was literally the 8½th film of higher hopped beers, then this is the crème production team. Following a series of Manning. Amber Ale is what you drink that Fellini produced. Film buffs will be of quirky and variegated episodes, How to Start a Fight when you’ve finished an assessment and need impressed if you mention the character Guido finally resolves to give up the to celebrate with your liver. Always a treat. of Daumier, the French critic, and how In 8½ there is an incredibly iconic scene film. However his dejected admission his intellectual monologues throughout in which a young Guido runs away from of defeat is made irrelevant by the Heineken the film are actually intended to evoke school with his friends to watch a giant The most expensive draught beer, Heineken incredibly memorable ‘circus finale’ Fellini’s directorial style. For something prostitute dance the rumba on a beach. is usually reserved for celebrations and people scene, where the characters of the film a bit lighter, try mentioning the stark Despite sounding a bit questionable, the with the money to pay 7 dollars a Scooner. and many of 8½’s production staff black and white contrasts that make up episode is one of the most charming and While it is European the amount of transport dance around Guido in a celebratory preservative in this beer makes it of a lesser the film’s cinematography, particularly memorable of the entire film. Set the parade. The film is unanimously value then the Squires or Old for example. during the spa scene montage. Style first fist flying with any comment along lauded by critics as Fellini’s best film, Watch any bartender try and build a head on aficionados should rave about Gloria the lines of ‘Fergie makes a better beach and is regarded as one of the finest a Schooner of Heineken and be amazed at the Morin dancing the twist in a black mini, prostitute in Rob Marshall’s adaptation achievements Italian auteur cinema. film of nothing that sits on top. But, each to her cat eye make-up framed by a scruffy of 8½, Nine.’ Alternatively, get any film their own. Drink Old. bob. aficionado seething with a comment The Background similar to ‘Nicole Kidman is a more Hahn Light Fellini has freely admitted he drew much seductive muse than Claudia Cardinale.’ For a light beer, it’s not bad, nor is it of the inspiration for 8½ from his own What not to Say Come to think of it, you’re sure to start expensive. Also surprising is the quality of the ingredients, whilst not comparable to the life experience. The plot is uncannily a brawl if you say that anything in One of the most engaging elements of Squires, Hahn at least does not cheapen the similar to the events of Fellini’s real Marshall’s Nine is more engaging/better 8½ is the way that the narrative flits quality of product for a lower strength alcohol. life: Following La Dolce Vita Fellini produced/more artistic/better acted between Guido’s memories, his present I always think that people who drink this are suffered director’s block which left him than it is in 8½. Which it clearly is not. life and his imaginings with an alarming the kind of people who would help you change completely creatively debilitated. The a tire. fluidity; it often becomes difficult to irony is that where Guido fails to create a distinguish where reality ends and film, Fellini succeeded in producing 8½. Jacinta Mulders Drink responsibly. Drink Old. fantasy begins. To add to the confusion, The Usual Suspects 7 COUNTDOWN Five ways you know that the party's over. After making allegedly homophobic comments against male ice-skaters at SOMEONE IS PLAYING YOUTUBE CLIPS 5 the Vancouver Winter Olympics, the Nine Network’s Eddie McGuire and Nothing sucks the atmosphere out of a room faster than someone hunched over a computer going “Ok, Mick Molloy are being investigated by now keep your eye on that guy… the guy with the axe… wait for it… wait for it… woah!” the NSW Anti-Discrimination Board. McGuire’s jibes about American figure skater Johnny Weir have placed him in the Hot Seat, as he remarked, ‘They PEOPLE ARE TEACHING THE DOG TRICKS 4 don’t leave anything in the closet either, Dogs, like parties, are also great. That said, a dog at a party is like a canary in a mine – both are do they?’’ to which Molloy replied animals that are in a place. ‘’Careful, you’ll get yourself into trouble there.’’ McGuire opted to use one of his lifelines, but was rejected on account of having neither reliable friends to phone nor audience left to ask. PEOPLE ARE PLAYING POKER 3 Poker is all about being able to read people from the tiniest of actions. These are called ‘tells’. For Tackling the big issues in example, if someone drags a coffee table in the middle of the party, dons sunglasses and starts talking Queensland newspaper the Courier about minimum bets, this is a ‘tell’ that they are a douchebag and are ruining a party. Mail, Environment Protection Minister Peter Garret shockingly “looked glum” after being heavily demoted as a result of a $2.5 billion SOMEONE SAYS “HAVE YOU GOT A GUITAR?” 2 home insulation debacle. Routinely, the Courier Mail showed their Oh thank god you’re here. Here we were, listening to professional recording artists, carefully chosen by journalistic integrity and attention the host and played through a terrific sound system – not knowing the joys of listening to some guy with to detail, as a large part of their a hemp bracelet and dragon tattoo going “and after aaaaall, you’re my wond… my wond… sorry I’ll get coverage made sure to describe this… my wonderwaaaaaall. Hey, anybody know the words to Halleluliah?” Garrett “looking miserable in tracksuit pants and a grey T-shirt” THE HOUSE THAT YOU ARE IN FALLS DOWN. 1 as he gave his dog Woody a Yeah. euphemized “comfort stop”. Truly the real issues at hand.

And the tsunami didn’t hit.

into two bases. After having the rules explained to us (as if SOC IT Capture “capture the flag” didn’t suffice), the Flag the two opposing forces ran at TO ME: each other from either ends converting the normal serenity of David Mulligan gave up pretty quick. Victoria Park into a field of total anarchy, very reminiscent of any I’m not going to lie: I was given Lord of the Rings battle with disappointed. As soon as I found the motley collection of dweeby out about the Capture the Flag first years bearing a remarkable Society starting up, my mind ran resemblance to the gruesome and ablaze with Steven Segal inspired disfigured race of Orcs. If you daydreams of my first mission. were tipped by an opposing player As a university professor/ you had to return to the halfway karate champion, international mark before having another crack terrorists would steal my young at glory. and vivacious (yet defenceless) daughter and the only way I’d After the initial craziness, smaller be able to get her back would splinter groups began forming be by busting into the enemy‘s to devise ingenious plans of compound, challenging their cunning and deception to steal leader to a final fight to the their enemy’s flag. However, death and eventually returning every time a strategic plot almost triumphantly to my own base with reached fruition, the frenzied my opponent’s flag draped over charge of the other team would my shoulder and my daughter obliterate any attempt at finesse, standing windswept by my leaving the complexities of the Art side. But no, there was no heart of War also trampled underfoot. pounding storyline to accompany my challenge, no corny one-liners Now for those of you wondering to accompany my victory, and no who won, I think the real winner glorious kung fu battle in the final on the day was Capture the Flag scene. I assumed at the very least and whatever my reservations that the Sydney Uni grounds would everyone else seemed to be having serve as an urban battlefield, a great time. The entire event did promoting tactical defence and a great job of promoting Sydney offensive manoeuvres, but instead, Uni’s up and coming Capture the Victoria Park was chosen as the Flag scene. venue. I, myself, found the draw of So, we were divided into two Manning far too enticing, so I camps (Red and Blue) and the didn’t see the game’s end, but let park was split down the middle me assure you that this was not 8 SRC Help

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Support & Advocacy ASK US Dear Inner Westie, • Centrelink Advice • Academic Appeals ABOUT It’s great that your parents paid your bond for you. Especially if you live in a share • Discontinuing/Withdrawing house. Ideally you could put off paying them back until you graduate, but not everyone will or can be that patient. If you were starting a new share house or staying on your • Students at Risk own you could get the Department of Housing to pay your bond for you through a • Show Cause scheme through Rentstart. Keep in mind that if you ever fall behind with your rent • Exclusion payments that Rentstart can also bail you out of trouble.

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To see an SRC HELP Caseworker, contact us on The SRC’s operational costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. [email protected] or 9660 5222. The Profile 9 Hi, I'm Honi Soit, you must be

Tomfrom the triple and j breakfast showAlex

David Mack got up early, made some toast and tuned in.

advice when we were starting out –” pare a thought for Alex Dyson. While everyone else his age is “I think he said, ‘Half the people Ssettling into their favourite bars will hate you and half the people will after work – and even his mornings love you,’” Alex says, finishing Tom’s co-host Tom Ballard is out performing thought. “Just with Facebook and stand-up – Alex is tucked up in bed, Twitter and texts and calls, it’s very easy reading, willing himself to sleep at 6pm, to give criticism easily and also remain well before the sun has even set. “I find it anonymous. Maybe it’s because we’re difficult to function without sleep, so I’m young, but that’s tough to deal with in just being a loser and going to bed really any sense for any employee if someone early,” he says. just says, ‘That’s crap.’”

Alex’s sleep persistence does mean he’s “I think everyone suffers a bit of on time for his 5am start, unlike Tom, backlash when there’s change,” Alex who has been late on more than one continues. “You see it all the time in occasion. “Oh God,” Tom says with a The New. When the Saturday Disney hosts sigh, when I bring it up. “Twice. That change, you think, ‘What the? That guy happened twice.” was the best! Who’s this clown?’ but then “In a row,” Alex points out. you learn to love them, and pretty soon “The first time I woke up at 5.55, and you’ll be drawing their picture on ‘Letter the second one I woke up at 6.20,” Tom of the Week’ and it’ll all be right.” (Alex, left, Tom, right). That’s right, boys. It’s a camera. says. “I freaked out a lot. I just got really to his private life than Alex. “It’s tough, angry…at life. But the second time “We’ve had this explained to us,” Tom myself, David,” he says, on his high because I find it awkward when people particularly, I was like, ‘Oh, what?!’” says, “because people love Triple J so horse. “I don’t want to put myself in ask me about it in interviews,” Tom says, “Someone sent in a text,” says Alex. “‘I much, they connect so much to it and ‘boundaries’. Don’t label me because I’m making me immediately feel stupid, “but bet you twenty bucks Tom will sleep in because it’s such an alternative to the am evolving entity.” Tom can only laugh. of course you talk about your personal again today.’” other radio that’s out there.” “I do find it weird,” Alex continues, life a lot in comedy and on stage, so it’s “He was right.” “like, if you were to write in this article, kind of hard to do it on stage and not “Did you send him the money?” Alex “I certainly don’t think our musical ‘young comedians Tom and Alex’. Every want to talk about it elsewhere.” asks. knowledge is our strength,” Tom adds, time I see something like that, I cringe a “Nooooooo,” Tom says definitively. “I “particularly at Triple J. Some of the little. Well, it’s very flattering for people Tom now sees his private life as did not accept the bet.” people here are fucking insane, David. to consider what I do comedy.” somewhat intrinsically bound to his It’s fucking insane how much they know “What you do?” asks Tom with a laugh. career as a comedian and as a radio It’s hard to feel too sorry for the pair about music.” “Well I don’t know what I do.” ‘personality’. “I think it’s a lot easier to though. At 20 and 21 respectively, Tom “Well, you’re a comedian,” Tom says remain private when you’re an actor and Alex have moved from hosting For guys so young, Tom and Alex go helpfully. “You get paid to be nice and and you can just say, ‘I’ll let my work Received a Stage 1, 2, 3 or 4 letter? Triple J’s weekend breakfast show to back a long way. The two grew up make people laugh.” Alex seems pleased. speak for itself,’” he says. “When you’re a being crowned the new hosts of the together in the rural Victorian town of They make each other laugh and we can comedian who talks about your personal If you have, don’t worry – you are not alone. breakfast program, at the helm of the Warrnambool and it seems only natural only help but laugh along. life or talks about it on the radio, then most popular slot on the most established that each would find the other – after all, there’s a crossover.” If you are on a ‘Stage’ the SRC strongly suggests you go to ‘Staying on Track’ seminar. youth network in the country. Lucky. their senses of humour are so akin that * At this seminar you will meet student support people across the university. We don’t get out Bastards. they’re constantly finishing each other’s I ask if Alex has a plan to get some of there enough and this is the uni’s attempt to bring everyone together face to face. Even if jokes. Back in the studio, looking west over the attention onto him. “Well, me and they don’t all have something to offer you, there will be someone there who can help you “I think it was a gutsy decision by Triple the city as the sky is still tinged with the my girlfriend were thinking of making get back on track with your study. UG seminars start on 15 March through to 25 March on J,” says Tom. “It’s a bit of a risk, but I “Well, we were good friends in pinks and blues of early morning, the a sex tape and putting that on the Camperdown campus and there’s one on 30 March at Cumberland campus. (see www.usyd. think it’s awesome – maybe because I’m playgroup, if I remember,” says Alex, pair is finishing the show for another day. Internet,” he says to roars of laughter edu.au/student_affairs/riskinfosessions.shtml) one of the people who got the job. It’s rambling. “There are a few pictures of While Alex’s Year 12 jersey only makes from Tom. “Just to bump up the old really exciting though. It feels like it’s us in a fire truck. We also dressed up as him look younger, Tom’s new haircut has profile.” When the laughs die down and If you are on Stage 2 you will have been asked to speak to an Academic Adviser. The SRC something that really sets Triple J apart.” warriors at one stage.” Tom soon cuts aged him and he seems to be growing Alex starts talking about the times when recommends speaking to an Academic Adviser whatever stage you are on. If in: “The Ballards and Dysons were old too quickly for his body to keep up. Tom they couldn’t mention Tom’s sexuality on you are on Stage 2 and don’t speak to an Academic Advisor this will reflect poorly on you if The pair has quickly discovered, family friends. We were forced to be and Alex’s petite and platinum blonde air, it’s clear just how supportive he has you find yourself on Stage 3. Help the Faculty help you and go and talk to someone about however, that it may just be impossible together.” producer, Amelia, is furiously waving been of his mate. “We were conscious your degree and how you can get back on track. This is a one on one session. It may be one to please everyone. I ask whether they’re “You told me you were having fun then,” at them through the glass window of the fact he hadn’t said he was gay of the most confronting meetings you ever have, but it should be one of the most useful also. aware of the insane jealousy other says Alex. divider, trying to signal Tom to turn up on the radio before, and he just wasn’t young comedians must feel, or if they’ve “I had a great time. I just wouldn’t the volume on a caller. Eventually, he comfortable yet. I know it goes back to Stage 3 and Stage 4 students should come to SRC HELP for assistance in writing Show encountered any criticism because of choose to be there,” says Tom with a wry grimaces and obliges, then starts banging the whole paparazzi thing, like, ‘What do Cause and Exclusion Appeal letters. The University is looking for particular things and their rapid rise to the top. smile. Alex feigns a deep hurt, but he saw his head along to the next song. For two you want to know?’ You, David! Look at an SRC Caseworker can point you in the right direction to maximise your chance of a that punch line a mile back. abundantly nice and yet still awkwardly this! Coming up in our grills with your successful appeal. SRC Caseworkers can also advocate for you and attend appeal hearings “David,” Tom says, crossing his arms young guys from Victoria, they look microphone, asking for comment!” He’s and other meetings with you. and putting his feet on the table jokingly, The two are also quite different in many every bit at home. not able to make his way through the “people will say what they say.” respects, some more obvious than others. That is our job at SRC HELP. Independent Advice and Advocacy. We are employed by joke without laughing. “I think we’re just trusting ourselves,” students for students, and all our meetings with you are confidential. “When you try and do comedy, not Tom, who came out publicly recently says Tom. “We did get into a groove on So if Tom is a professional stand-up everyone is going to find you funny,” and is now dating fellow comedian and weekend breakfast, but it always felt like comedian, how does Alex see himself ? To see an SRC HELP Caseworker, contact us on he adds. “[Comedian and fellow Triple Talkin’ Bout Your Generation panellist Josh people were never really listening.” Comedian? Radio presenter? Some sort [email protected] or 9660 5222. J host] Sam Simmons gave us a lot of Thomas, has had more attention paid of hybrid? “I wouldn’t want to classify Well, they’re listening now. 11 THREADS Sartorial Profiling SOUNDS Jacinta Mulders judges you by what you wear. Listen up, all you fresh-faced first years. Although you may think you’ve got the The Sydney darling: Angus & Julia stone sartorial side of Sydney uni sorted, we These kids were born and bred in Down The Way at Honi are here to let you in on a little Sydney’s favourite suburbs, and don’t secret: there’s a lot more to student they want you to know it. The serial EMI MUSIC dressing than meets the eye. Although offenders here are the girls: sashaying the basic duo of jeans and a t-shirt among the regular plebs kitted out in Bridie Connellan doesn’t care if you’re may seem the well-established staple, super tight acid washes and demurely the cutest sibling-band ever. the subtle ways that this mix may be coloured T-shirts of the finest cotton Lyrics aside, the pair’s sound has similarly put together by different people can and cut. Oversized glasses, a top knot It sure is hard to be cynical about an copped a simplifying cutback. Tracks tell you reams about their background and a designer tote complete the look. Boys in this category can go one of two album you’ve waited for with baited such as “Black Crow” and likeable single and character. What follows is a handy ways: while the essential ingredient of breath, but unfortunately ‘not-angry- “And The Boys” tote a steady yet catchy guide to pigeonholing members of the O-Week masses based entirely on what the ‘Eastern Suburbs Express’ is designer just-disappointed’ is often the only beat that may prove useful for headphone they are wearing. Who says fashion isn’t denim, the more prep school inspired response one can muster. Sydney locals strutting, however the lack of change superficial? ‘Nate Archibald’ can be made by pairing Angus and Julia Stone have again within the songs makes it quite difficult a chiseled jaw line with Ralph Lauren survived sibling collaboration to release not to stray in the kingdom of boredom. The Inner West trendy: polo. the follow-up to their highly acclaimed The beats become almost annoyingly The late Noughties have seen the debut Chocolate and Cigarettes. controlled, but maybe this has something ‘indie-boy’ look take the male student The College groupie: And yet, it’s just… ok. to do with a confidence gained by populace in a stranglehold more Considerate creatures that they are, being taken seriously as both artists and feverish than an onset of ghonnorea. college kids go almost out of their Moody and somewhat serene polished producers. Particularly prevalent among boys from way to make themselves identifiable to the general student populace during folk, the 13 new tracks have something the Faculty of Arts, this look at its most O-Week. This is accomplished by of an overarching sadness that sheds Thankfully, if hope was already lost by the basic is composed by pairing a skinny jean of some description with a fitted sporting identical T-shirts according the optimism of the duos initial release, fifth song, more thoughtful tracks such as T-shirt (V-neck optional) and sunnies; to the residential college attended. however such an impression really is “Santa Monica Dream” are a dainty doily preferably designed by Ray-Ban. Recent Optional embellishments come in the the only consistent aspect. As a result of for the ears. Finally, something uniquely and largely rampant variations include form of provocatively situated shirt rips, touring, globe-hopping and time spent AJS. A perfect travelling song, with serene the ‘grunge injection’; a rougher look incoherent permanent marker scrawlings, on opposite sides of the planet, the duo harmonies and a softly soothing though finished off with an open flanno and goon stains and, if you’re lucky enough have attempted to claim that the varying melancholy aroma, this beautiful little embellished with a few head-sized jean to be attending St. John’s, a week’s build moods and disjointedness of the album tale of ‘fifteen kids in the backyard drinking rips. Artsy girls prefer high-waisted up of grime and bodily fluids. Although are what make it so unique, however wine’ and some dude making pizza in the cuts and super distressed denim, often the bottom-half of choice is largely open, more often than not such a lack of kitchen, frames a rather tragic farewell teamed with a cropped or oversized the key is to wear it with nonchalance: cut offs, rugby shorts, or your third-favourite streamlining exposes this patchwork for to a special someone. One thing these T-shirt. Fad conscious footwear pair of Ksubis that you just ‘threw on.’ what it really is; entirely incoherent. siblings capture perfectly is a propensity preferences include commando-style clunkers or the ubiquitous witch boot: Footwear is canvas loafers or thongs, end to yearn, yearn for love, yearn for love trademark of the Surry Hills lass. of story. Thirty seconds into the initial track lost, and yearn for a sound that dares to “Hold On” and things are already capture such sentiment without coming sounding very produced. Sure, this is across like an OC soundtrack. not necessarily a huge downfall, it’s just the hurt locker the reason many fell in love with this But if emotion is coming from anywhere, SCREEN duo was their folky authentic roughness it’s certainly more ovarian. The Rachel Goldsmith on the film that just might win Best Picture. and an endearing unrehearsed personalized press release claims “notes, While war movies are historically a very impression the album could have been and love, from julia (and angus)”. My, my, popular genre, the films released in recent recorded in their loungeroom. But brackets sure do speak louder than words. years focusing on the Iraq war have, much to with a more powerful musical backing, While alternating between the two voices the chagrin of Studio execs and surprise of it would serve the duo well to elevate sure gives a break for the senses, tracks the industry, failed to ignite critical acclaim their lyrical content, however the lack such as ‘For You’ re-emphasise the reason or public approbation. That is, until The Hurt of any excitement in these tracks is just people love this duo; Sirenic soft femme Locker came along. It has become the surprise downright disappointing. With clichéd beauty. darling of the award season, equalling Avatar with nine Oscar nominations and beating out ‘holding’, ‘kissing’, ‘squeezing’ and the giant Smurfs for Best Film at the recent whatnot comprising most of the rhymes So perhaps ‘disappointing’ is a little BAFTA awards. in tracks such as “Big Jet Plane”, the harsh. Although subtleties on this album unsophisticated beauty of their tales may come across as bland and trite upon Written by reporter Mark Boal and based on Boom shake shake shake tha room. fades into bland uninteresting ‘meh’ first listen, a second hearing actually his own on-the-ground experiences as an em- Nor are you always sure who wants to make zone, as stories become something of makes such sweet nothings pull at the bedded journalist with the US Army, the film it home. Sergeant First Class William James, just old Angus Stone, singin’ about what heartstrings, as the cold hearted critic is tells the story of Bravo Company’s three-man played beautifully by Jeremy Renner (who has he sees. Tracks such as this are almost finally given something to feel. But while Explosive Ordinance Disposal unit finishing received an Oscar nom for his troubles), is dangerously reckless with his life and those of annoyingly simplistic, with the only there is nothing inexplicably flawed about up a year-long deployment in Baghdad. his team members. At one stage, he rips off thing saving it being poignant lonely this charming collection of well-traveled Director Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break, K-19 his deep-sea-diver-like protection suit in the strings that elevate this very basic track tunes, Down The Way really just seems like – The Widowmaker) has succeeded where so middle of an operation because he finds it un- to something remotely emotional. a stepping stone to something better. many others have failed because she has comfortable - never mind that it might be the 2/5 largely managed to avoid those two main- only thing standing between him and a very stays of war movies: political ideology and messy death. His cavalier attitude to his job violence. This film isn’t a thinly-veiled rant means that for much of the film the audience, against the US Bush administration for get- and indeed his colleagues, are left wondering ting into a war on the most flimsy of evidence if he is seriously unhinged by the intolerable (as so many of the previous Iraq war films pressure of life as a soldier in a hostile country. GIGITY GIGITY have been) nor is it a bandana-wearing, Ultimately, however, the rather un-PC truth get out of the house, we dare you. bayonet charge at the enemy. And it is all the is, he is just addicted to the adrenaline rush of better for it. life on the edge and he would rather be risking Elevating a disastrous situation into a life and limb in Baghdad than at home push- catastrophe: Locust Jones Instead, The Hurt Locker is a tour de force of ing his baby son around the supermarket. An You’re a struggling student with good taste no? tension. Right from the off Bigelow sets the uncomfortable thought for many. If you’re a free-art and free-wine enthusiast you mood of the film with a nerve-wracking and must have discovered the delights of art gallery MOP Gallery shocking opening sequence, and the pressure For blood, gore and rah-rah patriotism, stay openings by now. So here’s another. 2/39 Abercrombie St, Chippendale only rises from then on. Each situation the home and watch Saving Private Ryan on DVD. Locust Jones’ chaotic, impulsive and honest Opening Wednesday 4 March, works are mopping the MOP gallery floors this 6pm team gets into seems more dangerous than But if you want a film that has you clenching month, and as such an exhibition title would Runs until 21 March the last, and the casting of unknown actors the seat armrests (and your buttocks), The Hurt suggest, this is expressionism to boot. Free in the lead roles ensures that the audience is Locker is a must. Things gon git messay. never sure who will make it home. 4.5/5 12 The Mains “To Draco, With Love” “Hit me,” Harry said. “If you want Georgia Flynn guides us through the weird world of Fan Fiction. to hit me, hit me. If it’ll make you feel better-”

“I feel fine,” Draco said. He looked down bespectacled Simon set beside the subvert or imitate. FanFiction.net, urge of the teenaged girl to create a at his hand, where it rested against Harry’s more handsome Jace, who bears just one of the largest fanfiction sites, virtual altar to the main characters chest. “You always have to make such a a hint of Draco Malfoy about the gets over one million visits per of Gossip Girl. big deal out of everything,” he said, and edges. month from users in the United then he did exactly the last thing Harry States alone. In the Gossip Girl fanverse, populated would ever have expected, and leaned What is more intriguing is the by a handful of teens idolised by an across the small space that separated them, sense of exposure that comes with For the writers and readers army of tweens, the central drama and kissed Harry on the mouth. commercial success. of fanfiction, the immediate concerns couplings. On any fansite, community is paramount. With the from LiveJournal to FanFiction. - Cassandra Claire, Draco Veritas In the somewhat furtive fanfiction infinite possibilities of the digital net, fanfiction is divided according world, it is possible for a BNF (Big world, it is somehow comforting to “ship” or coupling. This way, Name Fan) like Cassie to exist as a to know that anyone can carve out if your OTP (One True Pairing) is In the fanfiction pantheon, disembodied wraith-like figure. But, a niche, as specific as an iPhone Chuck Bass and Nate Archibald, Cassandra Claire stands as with a published book, complete interface. you won’t have to soil your eyes something of a high priestess. with a promotional website, Cassie aboard any undesirable ships. has been shoved into the physical Nonetheless, for both academics With a dedicated following in her world. Even now, there is a certain and the more self-reflexive users of For commentators such as own right and an almost alchemic reticence about the woman’s fansites, there is a growing desire Catherine Driscoll, the anonymity ability to transform internet posts photographic posture: crouching to create a record of the history of of the (largely female) fan into gold (or at least, into gifts to be next to a stack of fantasy novels or fanfiction. community is tied to the history forwarded to the PO Box listed on holding up her hand to the camera, of the romantic novel. The act her LiveJournal page), Cassie has uncertain whether she is waving or Whether you trace the chronology of writing fanfiction is linked to achieved the one thing that each trying to block its view. of fanfiction further back into the an urge on behalf of women to fanfiction author scarcely dares to fifteenth century, with John Lydgate articulate their romantic desires: “to dream of. She has stepped out of It is almost nostalgic to note that swooning like a fangirl over The move imaginatively toward what they the cultural (and consumer) margins the tone of the website is similar Canterbury Tales, or you position wanted: a better romance formula, and become a published novelist. to that of a fanforum presided the explosion of fan cultures and a compelling pornography for over by a fascist moderator: post squarely within the digital age, the women.” here, no media requests question of why people feel the It seems that the spirit of collaborative for school newspapers, urge to contribute to the fanon (an “My acquaintance with fanfiction writing disappeared the moment that and no – absolutely amalgam of fan and canon) remains communities suggests to me that no – unsolicited writing unanswered. over time people are generally quite her fanfiction was deleted from the samples from fans. happy to be known ‘as’ themselves,” Harry Potter fanverse. According to Abigail Derecho, there says Dr. Melissa Hardie, of the It seems that Cassie’s is an entire archive of fanfiction University of Sydney’s English collaborative spirit to be found handwritten in the Department. “But, only after a For the fans of her Harry Potter- disappeared the moment that she margins of novels in the early sense of community has developed inspired fantasy trilogy, which deleted her fanfiction from the Harry modern period. In the twentieth via pseudonyms.” disappeared from the virtual Potter fanverse. century, post-colonial works sought marketplace when Cassie decided to position maligned or side-lined When Cassandra Claire set about to pursue writing professionally, While her three-thousand page characters at the very centre of new, writing her epic Draco Dormiens there is something strangely familiar trilogy may have left a considerable but related, texts. While M. Butterfly trilogy, she viewed the act as a sort about her young adult series, The gap, the world of online fanfiction (David Henry Hwang) and My Jim of online writing exercise. Similarly, Mortal Instruments. Although, is constantly expanding: multiplying (Nancy Rawles) can be given this when a fan can sit in the privacy of perhaps it is no more than a at a greater rate than the original sort of socio-political impetus, this their own darkened bedroom and fleeting, physical resemblance in works the authors seek to expand, explanation does little to explain the set about creating a painstakingly the main characters: raven haired, detailed LiveJournal shrine, perhaps the driving motivation is twofold: FAN FICTION to utilise their skills of writing and web-design while also bypassing the The Good, The Bad and the Zombie. exclusive professional publishing process. Wide Sargasso Sea The New Testament and won. The estate of Margaret by Jean Rhys Written after the phenomenal Mitchell (writer of the original) A prequel to Jane Eyre with Bertha success of the original, this sequel sued Randall for infringement of For most, the exercise is a labour of Mason (aka honorary member of the also achieved widespread popularity copyright. Though FF came out on love; with a few marked exceptions, First Wives Club/ crazy old bitty in the despite being somewhat lacking in the top, the cover of the book is still the relationship between fanfiction attic) as its protagonist. sex and violence department. emblazoned with the seal ‘The writers and the literary vanguard Unauthorized Parody’. has been tempestuous. As Fredrik Pride and Prejudice and Zombies The Wind Done Gone Colting learnt in 2009, when by Seth Grahame-Smith by Alice Randall Edward Penishands Kind of exactly what it sounds like, Told from the perspective of the Are we stretching the definition of he attempted to publish a novel really. slaves on the O’Hara plantation, fan fiction? Yeah, probs. And again, this is fan fiction that fought the law kind of exactly what it sounds like. 13 “To Draco, With Love” elevated status of BNFs, simply view starring a 76-year-old incarnation Both Ways, Fannish and Pro.” draw breath before continuing in online forums as a more rewarding of The Catcher in the Rye’s Holden a tone of self-deprecating sincerity. imaginative outlet than the slush Caulfield, fans are not permitted “Put me in a room with high- “The Henry Jenkins references fly piles of major publishing houses. to profit from the texts they create minded literary types who denigrate fast and furious, because I really do from the fabric of another author’s fanfic, and I’ll rise valiantly to its think fanfiction is a valid art form.” While the fanfiction world remains works. defence,” says Kass, describing a on the literary outskirts, certain partially tongue-in-cheek response Nonetheless, even the most publishing houses have embraced a While Colting’s lawyers advanced to a perceived attack on fanfiction. articulate defender of fanfiction facsimile of the online forum model. that the book, written under “Fanfiction puts narrative back must concede that Theodore When HarperCollins launched its the nom de plume John David in the hands of the people! It’s a Sturgeon’s famous aphorism Authonomy site, the intention was California, sought to parody folkloric art! It helps us go from definitely applies: “90 per cent of to draw out unpublished authors and critique Salinger’s novel and being passive consumers of media everything is crud.” by allowing readers to vote for A major drawback to online the best manuscripts. From this Since the Star Trek fanzines of the 1970s first speculated fanfiction is the lack of quality virtual slush pile, several authors upon the romantic potential of the relationship between control; anyone with even a have attained the Holy Grail with a Kirk and Spock, fans have felt the urge to insert their mediocre understanding of publishing deal from HarperCollins. language can see their words in Nonetheless, fanfiction is explicitly own interpretations and deviations into their particular print. Despite this unfortunate excluded from the Authonomy site. pop-culture obsessions. by-product of giving just about everyone a literary megaphone, the Perhaps the best bet for a BNF is to set up a PO Box. therefore fell within the so-called to active participants in creating the 10 per cent remainder in Sturgeon’s “fair use” exception of copyright archetypes of our culture! It gets calculation, usually enjoying the law, the court singularly rejected people, especially women, writing this argument. Delivering an and discovering their creative voices! Oxford Debating-style smackdown, It’s all postmodern and pastiche-y Judge Deborah A Batts of the and is therefore very intellectually FAN ART District Court in Manhattan found stimulating! Smart people do it!” Meet fan fiction's illiterate cousin. the contentions to be “post-hoc For those with an affinity for creating Harry Potter with the face of a rationalizations employed through It is almost possible to hear Kass sloth, fan art is artwork based on characters, scenes, events and fictional vague generalizations about the settings in an existing text. This niche of the artpack is a popular means alleged naïveté of the original, for fans to fill in their own gaps and visualise text they must otherwise rather than reasonably perceivable conjure in the mindtank. Screw you imagination, we've got pictures. parody.” Despite the fact that the actual moment of Ophelia’s To employ the parlance of an drowning is often omitted from productions of online community, Judge Batts told Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the scene has been the subject of Colting to STFU and STFD. numerous artworks. In several depictions, including John Everett Millais’ painting Ophelia (1851-52. Oil on canvas In contrast, Seth Grahame-Smith gained entrance to the lofty heights 76.2 x 111.8 cm,Tate Gallery) she appears resigned to her of the New York Times’ Bestseller List fate. through an extensive sampling of the Jane Austen oeuvre. In fact, over 75 per cent of Grahame- Smith’s Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is lifted directly from its partial Who knew Haz was so buff? Well Hito76, apparently.

name-sake. What film producer Check out the artist’s other work at http://hito76.deviantart. Grahame-Smith realized, and com and be thankful we didn’t print any of the more, erm, what escaped the grasp of Colting, mature material available on the interweb. was that it is a lot easier to publish derivative work when the author does not have access to the services of Davis Wright Tremaine lawyers.

While the relationship between original and derivative works may Kraka-Boom indeed. be in a process of negotiation, there Written by Robert Napton and drawn by Ed Benes, is an internal battle occurring within this Jesus Vs. Zeus comic is a sacrilecious sight to fanfiction authors themselves. In a behold. 2002 contribution to the Fanfiction Symposium, a published author, SPOILER: known simply as Kass, described the tension that came with “Swinging Jebus beats the Pagan Gods. Woot. 14 The SRC Reports PRESIDENT'S REPORT Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected]

Hi and welcome to your first week at familiar with. If you’re not familiar with university! Welcome back also to those the quote, you will at least probably be of you who have been here for a year quite familiar with the person who said or a few. 2010 is shaping up to be an it. This person once said: exciting year – there will be a federal “Differences of habit and language are election where (if you’re an Australian nothing at all if our aims are identical citizen) you can vote, either for the and our hearts are open.” first time or again. What else will be The person who said this is a pretty happening? The University releases its famous literary character. His name strategic plan green paper on 5th March is Albus Dumbledore and he’s, in my so you are sure to hear more about that opinion, one of the wisest people to have (at least in my reports). The Agriculture, ever been written. Food and Natural Resources Faculty people, no matter our differences, come throughout your time at uni. We can will be turning 100, so if you’re in that What Dumbledore is talking about is together, as a group, as a collective, with help you with academic appeals, legal faculty make sure you get involved. the fact that what brings us together, common aims and open hearts, only issues, Centrelink and Youth Allowance, The SRC will be having a huge year as a university community, as a society then can we instil hope in others and do tenancy and housing, and so much more. of events, forums, protests, rallies, and as a world, are huge differences in something to change our society and the All you need to do is ask. We have a stall discussion groups and much much more. culture, language, ideology, race, gender world for the better. on the front lawns where you can learn We’ve also printed, for the first time, and more. But he’s also saying that we So, what do we do then? Well, we more about the SRC and our place in the International Students’ Handbook. need to have common aims and an open start small, at the grassroots level. Say, the University, so please feel free to drop I don’t want to keep listing all the cool mind and heart if we are going to go out in a unit of study, a faculty or a club, by and have a chat. things coming up in 2010, but read Honi there, together, and combat against the society or collective. We run campaigns every week and you’re sure to know a bit injustices in our society. Climate change, around issues affecting you like fair So, as you all sit here, pretty excited I’m about them all. war, poverty, the denial of rights, I could access to education, a decent wage and presuming about your first O-Week, I’d list a lot of things that are wrong in the working conditions, climate change like us all to think of how we can do On Wednesday morning, I filed into the world, but that’s pretty depressing for a and the environment, and stopping what Dumbledore says – open our hearts Great Hall with some very important welcome and your first day at uni. discrimination towards indigenous and minds to the other students around University people around me, absolutely students, students from multicultural us, and go out there, together, and terrified at making a speech to hundreds Instead I’m going to be positive and backgrounds, women students and change the world for the better. Do we of expectant new students. I was to welcome you in a different way. At queer students. No wonder we’re want to start tomorrow, next week, next introduced as the person who would tell the University of Sydney, we are here so busy all year round! You too can month, or do we want to start today? So you all about the bad things in the uni to learn not just in the classroom but become involved in any of these issues welcome to the University community, and how terrible the Government is, but outside it. Going to university is such throughout the year, and trust me, you’ll and get active, get involved. Because, I decided to take a different approach an incredible opportunity – this will be be pretty busy. Of course, with enough let’s face it, we’re University of Sydney to my predecessors. I know a lot of you my fourth year here and I swear I’m still time to study… students – we can do anything if we reading this couldn’t actually fit in to the learning something new about myself work together! Great Hall, so I’ve put below the speech every day. But at the SRC, we also recognise I wrote for the event. that going to uni can sometimes be 2010 Welcome to New Students The Students’ Representative Council, daunting, difficult and pretty full-on. Email me! [email protected] or SRC for short, is made up of students There’s nothing wrong with admitting Tweet me! @srcpresident I’d like to start my welcome to you all just like you. We’re based around the that. That’s why we’re here – to support Write to me! send your letters of love, with a quote that some of you may be idea that only when students and young you, to help you, to be your voice hate and indifference to the Honi team.

Day march will be from Town Hall WOMEN'S REPORT to Martin Place. There will be speakers, performers, Report of the Women’s Officer, Rosie Ryan // marching and people from across [email protected] the community coming together to celebrate and unite. O-Week is over and the number of university and interest groups. amazing women who signed up to There are so many possibilities for this International Women’s Day at the Women’s Collective this year was year and we’re at the stage University of Sydney and Launch of overwhelming! Thanks to everyone who where we can determine that direction Growing Strong helped make O-Week 2010 spectacular, and make it spectacular. Monday 8th March, 6pm New Law but don’t think it’s stopped Being involved in Women’s Collective School there. Over this next week there are a means that you can take the seed Celebrate International Women’s Day few unmissable events to watch of an idea – from an experience on the with students from across NSW, out for; way to uni, a discussion with a some really interesting speakers, friend, an angry rant – and turn that into wonderful performers and tasty food. Women’s Welcome Lunch a campus-wide debate or a We’ll also be launching Growing Strong 3. Dr Christina Ho a UTS lecturer on Thursday 1pm, Holme Women’s Room nation-wide campaign. which is a cross-campus Muslim and Western womens’ (downstairs to your right) Sounds dubious? It isn’t. Take a group publication by the SRC Women’s relations and Orientalism. Come along, meet, greet and enjoy the of students who think they Department. Entry is free, and it’s free tea, cake, biscuits and have little or no experience in organising non-autonomous. 4. Stephanie Dowrick an ambassador for dips. We will be looking at what issues but have ideas or are Look forward to hearing; International Women’s we’re interested in and have passionate about particular things and 1. Prof Gillian Triggs the Dean of Law Development Agency who will discuss traction on, figuring out what we know are willing to talk to each at the University of Sydney who women’s rights and status in about those issues and what we other about it and plug that into the will discuss challenges and futures for developing countries. want to find out. From there we’ll be SRC and it’s pretty limitless women’s rights and equality. brainstorming campaigns, what you can achieve. 5. The Stiff Gins, Nardi Simpson & events, creative actions and tactics for 2. Ulrika Dahl, a Swedish feminist Kaleena Briggs, they are reclaiming getting the issues out into a International Women’s Day March discussing femmes, queers, class a derogatory term for Aboriginal broader campus, and community, Saturday 6th March, 11am Sydney and racial discrimination, and the pros women, instead declaring its meaning discussion and grabbing the attention Town Hall and cons of Swedish gender as proud, passionate & talented through of the media, the government, the This year the International Women’s equality laws. harmony and song. 15 GENERAL SECRETARY'S REPORT Report of the General Secretary, Donherra Walmsley // [email protected]

Well, the exciting, exhausting, epic time problems, maybe Maths or Economics) – university can enrol as many or as few that is O-Week is over for another year welcome to Sydney University. students as they want. So individual – I hope that you all enjoyed it, and universities get complete control without made the most of the opportunity to get Despite spending millions of dollars on any government interference – surely involved with all the different student “rebranding” the university by doing that’s a good thing, right? Wrong. organisations, clubs, and societies that things like changing the crest and the Universities are, as I wrote last week, Sydney Uni has to offer. If you didn’t get domain name of the university website, no longer institutions of scholarship, the chance to check out the SRC stall allegedly to make it more appealing institutions which prize academia and during O-Week, you can still come by and marketable, the university hasn’t quality teaching and learning. They are our office any time (between 9 and 5) to been able to afford to tackle the profit driven enterprises. consult a case-worker, see a lawyer, or chronic problem of overcrowding that find out how to get involved with one of students are experiencing across many Again, what does that actually mean? the collectives, whose weekly meetings universities in Australia. This year marks Well, we can’t be certain until we see will be starting up this week. You can the first step towards a demand driven, it – last year Michael Spence (our VC) also sign up to become a supporting deregulated university system. What said he wanted to cut the number of member of the SRC, and you’ll get our the hell does that mean to you, average students enrolling here at USyd, to uni survival kit. It’s pretty awesome. student in a lecture who really isn’t into make us “elite, but not elitist”, but where all that politics stuff ? It means that this those cuts would be is uncertain – would departments, for example Gender year, universities all around the country courses be cut, or would we just be Studies. If you’re going to your first week of are able to over-enrol by 10%. So what, letting less students into those courses? classes, eyes bright with excitement, 10%, big deal, who cares? Well, look He didn’t specify, he just said that he If you’re concerned about the direction only to find that there are no seats around your classroom. Does it look wanted Sydney Uni to be a “high end of the education sector, want to know available in your lecture theatre, or like the university has the infrastructure, research institution”. So one potential more about the deregulation reforms, that your tutorials have 20-30 people in funding, and staff to cater for an extra result of deregulation is a reduction of or are just really pissed off at how many them, making it impossible to engage in 3000 students enrolling? Personally I student numbers. The other potential people are in your damn tutorial, come meaningful discussion (if you’re an Arts don’t think so. result is an increase in student numbers, along to the EAG – it meets every student) or get assistance with a problem and a proliferation of the profitable Tuesday at 1pm. (if you’re someone doing a degree that As of 2012, we will have a completely Business and Law degrees at the expense has something where you have to solve deregulated system, which means each of more niche (i.e. – less money making) EDUCATION REPORT Report of the Education Officer, Gabriel Dain // [email protected]

The Student Representative Network students, running surveys and having Faculty, but it doesn’t have to end Education Department’s campaigns for At the SRC we are always trying to online discussions of issues, which there. If you would like to have a say the rest of the year. If you are interested find new and better ways to represent could be anything from course cuts to in what goes on in your department, in getting involved in the campaign for you to the university. The Student examination methods to accessibility or you discipline, or your school, then fair Youth Allowance, quality of teaching Representative Network is a new project to the department office. You can get in contact with us! The same goes and learning, rights for international that will ensure you are represented at read all about it online, just log into if you have a similar project currently students or anything else to do with every level of decision-making: at your your WebCT! If this sounds like a running in your faculty; it would be a education at USyd, come along, and campus, your faculty, your school and good idea to you, you might also be great chance to learn from each other bring a friend! your department. interested in running for the position of and make the Student Representative Representative yourself. Network the best that it can be. Event Dates: This year we are piloting this project in Department Representative Nominations the Faculty of Arts. Every Department Now, for all the non-Arts students: this The Education Action Group (EAG) Open – TODAY! (check your WebCT) in the Faculty will have a representative is a project that we want to expand to Today (Tuesday the 2nd) at 1pm we will Education Action Group – Tuesday 2nd elected by the students through a the rest of the university. Elly and I be having the first EAG meeting of the of March, 1pm (VC’s Garden, next to WebCT site. This representative will have spoken about it with Deans and year. We are a group of student who are Fisher) attend Department Board meeting the Chair of Academic Board (Peter interested and active in improving the Noodle Day – Wednesday 24th of and liaise with academics to ensure McCallum), all of whom support the access to and quality of education at the March, 2pm better communication with students initiative. We will be talking to Faculty University of Sydney. We meet at the National Day of Action – Wednesday (that’s you!). The WebCT site can Representatives about setting up this Vice-Chancellor’s garden (ironic) next to 31st of March, 2pm also be used for communicating with same representation system in your Fisher Library. We will be planning the

and ongoing uncertainty around regularly must miss class or forego study WELFARE REPORT Youth Allowance and Commonwealth to make ends meet. Report of the Welfare Officer, Patrick Massarani-Coyne Scholarships are affecting tens of thousands of students across the country. The University’s motto, now in Indeed students on Youth Allowance are Hello to all and singular – I’m Pat, the and assists students having difficulty awkward semi-retirement is “Sidere mens still receiving 35-40% below the widely Welfare Officer for 2010 at the SRC. affording even the most basic of dignities eadem mutato”, roughly meaning, ‘’the recognised Henderson Poverty Line. This week let me tell you about the and necessities. Our caseworkers work constellation is changed, the disposition to find emergency housing and assist the is the same’’. The problem here isn’t the University’s latest, greatest idea – the The most recent Survey of Student needy with applying for financial support University’s constellation changing but holistic rebranding and redesign of Finance conducted by Universities and provide crisis loans in extenuating its disposition changing. Regrettably, its visual identity… to the sum of a Australia found that 85% of rumoured 13 million dollars. circumstances. education is a commodity in a sector that undergraduates in 2006 worked part- is, now, systemically corporatised. time during their degrees, compared Looking in at the loads of new letterhead Perhaps the University would do best to to only 50% of students in 1984. and loquacious PR consultants I cannot look at the situation of its own students I can only hope that we 32 000 Additionally, more than half of students help but abhor the waste, arrogance from time to time. undergraduates will be receiving our today work more than 13 hours per and narcissism of this exercise. Daily traditionally uninspiring fee invoices on week, nearly triple the 1984 average. the SRC Welfare Department advises, Now more than ever our students are attractive letterhead. living below the poverty line – changes More disappointingly, 22.7% of students 16 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES

SAAO SAYS... Elitist but not elite

Dear SAAOs in the numbers of international In a move criticised widely by JDs represent the opposite of the students offered places at public student representatives, the Vice-Chancellor’s stated aspiration I have some options about the universities, without proper Academic Board last week for Sydney University to be “elite subjects I can enrol in for this planning or co-ordination. approved the precedent for shifting but not elitist”. JDs are an elitist semester but am not sure which JDs are a particularly pernicious legal education to postgraduate degree. At $85,000 for fee-paying subjects I want to choose. I want example of this trend, because status. The Sydney Law School domestic students (and over to make sure I like the subject they are far more expensive than is shifting its graduate-entry, $100,000 for international students), before committing to it for the most other coursework Masters undergraduate law degree (the they can only be afforded by a whole semester. When is the last degrees, and because they are LLB) into a postgraduate degree select few who don’t get in on date I can change my subjects? professional degrees. Because – the Juris Doctor, or JD. The JD, is merit. What’s more, the huge debts postgrads get far less in terms of a degree that more and more law will force graduates of the degree Thanks, government support, classifying schools in Australia are offerring, into higher-paying sectors of law, Student professional qualifications as as government funding shortfalls especially corporate law. postgraduate means making them make undergraduate education too more inaccessible for people expensive to deliver. The thing is, the JD will not Dear Student from low socio-economic status be all that different from an backgrounds. The Rudd government abolished undergraduate degree. JD students The last date you can add a domestic undergraduate full- will have to do exactly the same subject to your enrolment for the fee (DUFF) places in late 2008, compulsory subjects, and mostly semester is Friday 12 March 2010. ...JDs are an but didn’t give universities choose from the same electives, a corresponding increase in as undergraduate Combined Law The last date you can withdraw elitist degree. At ongoing funding. The Department students. At around $67,000 more from a subject without academic of Education Employment and $85,000 for fee- than a graduate-entry LLB, this is penalty is Wednesday 31 March. Workplace Relations (DEEWR) hardly fitting for an ‘elite’ institution. This also means that if you paying domestic gave individual universities a are thinking of suspending for one-off grant at the end of 2008. Evidently the Vice-Chancellor Semester 1, 2010 (or taking the students (and Since the Howard government and the Academic Board think semester off from your studies), un-tied funding of universities to over $100,000 it’s acceptable to keep students Wednesday 31 March 2010 is the number of Commonwealth- indebted for decades in order to generally the last date you can for international Supported Places (CSPs), finance their budget deficits, and to tell your Faculty that you want universities have been struggling dumb-down academic standards to to suspend without academic students), they for funding. attract those students. If this trend penalty. can only be continues, one wonders if University Universities’ responses have been of Sydney degrees will be all that If you are a local student, this afforded by a to increase the number of fee- valuable in a few years’ time. is also the last date you can paying students they take in i.e. withdraw without any financial select few... Postgrad coursework students and Rashmi Kumar penalty. This is different for international students, this means us! SUPRA Co-President international students, so you As postgrad coursework students [email protected] should ask the International Office The last few years has seen a we don’t have access to many and/or SUPRA for advice. huge increase in the number of government or university coursework Masters degrees scholarships, flexible entry Even if you aren’t sure whether offered by universities, because programs for equity groups, and you want to commit to a subject these degrees bring in funding. often not income support or for the whole semester, the best It has also seen a huge increase CSPs either. thing to do is attend the classes for that subject. This will give you a feel for whether you enjoy the content. If you decide to enrol in the subject for the whole semester, your attendance in those first few O-Week BBQ and 2010 Publications Launch classes will count towards your participation for the subject. This SUPRA would like to thank all those students calendar. If you weren’t able to make it and would is important if the subject requires whoattended our BBQ and Publications Launch last like one of these publications call in or drop us a you to attend a certain number of Thursday. There was an unprecedented number line and we’ll arrange to get you one. This was a classes to be able to pass the subject. of postgrads who enjoyed the sunshine and a free great start to the semester we wish you all the best lunch as well as picking up a copy of our latest with your studies and look forward to seeing you at If you think that the subject might publications, 2010 Counter Course Handbook, our future events. be difficult and you are not sure Postgrad Survival Guide and a 2010 Postgrad wall whether you should stay enrolled, talk to the lecturer for the subject about your concerns. They can help you with your decision by asking questions like what type of subjects you have studied already, what you studied in your undergraduate degree, and they can make sure that you have done the pre-requisites for the subject.

Good luck!

The SAAO team 17 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES Starting uni? YOUR Postgraduate Representative Some handy hints for Association new students Becoming a member of your postgraduate representative association gives you the following For most of you, this will be the Learning Centre runs free classes benefits: first week of classes this year, and for students on topics like writing perhaps the first week of classes essays, researching, working in • Access to our confidential at Sydney Uni. This often means groups and managing your time. student advice and advocacy spending a lot of time frantically You can look at the Learning service and legal service looking for lecture rooms, asking Centre’s timetable for March • Participate in SUPRA events and strangers for directions, as well as and April at www.usyd.edu.au/ activities trying to sort out your enrolment, stuserv/learning_centre/time. • Receive regular email updates email account and sometimes your shtml. You can register online for and electronic publications accommodation between classes. the workshops. (eGrad) • Use the SUPRA Resource and SUPRA knows that these first few The University Library also runs lots Meeting Rooms you for appointments of between 30 weeks and months can be stressful of free classes for students on topics • Vote or run in the SUPRA Council – 60 minutes. They can listen to what and even overwhelming. So we like using electronic databases elections you have to say without you having to have given you a few handy hints to research. There are classes on • Actively participate in your about some places inside and how to use software to help you worry if they will tell anyone. representative student outside Sydney Uni which may be reference (EndNote) which we know association. able to help you settle in. students have found very helpful. All of this information is in SUPRA’s You can also go on a tour of Fisher Postgraduate Survival Guide. Are you looking for a place Library. The Library website also This book is free! and has a lot of Complete your subscription online at to live? You can check out the has information you can download information which will be useful to www.supra.usyd.edu.au/subscribe University’s Accommodation about plagiarism (if you don’t know you if you are studying at Sydney then follow the links if you would Service website at what plagiarism is, come to see Uni. You can come and pick up a like to become a SUPRA Supporter. www.sydney.edu.au/ SUPRA!). It also has videos you can copy at the SUPRA offices (Raglan Alternatively you can complete a form accommodation. It has lists of watch by yourself to teach you about Street Building, behind the Aquatic at our stalls or drop into the SUPRA places for rent on campus and off researching and how to use the Centre). office. campus. It also has some hints Library: www.library.usyd.edu. about things to look out for when au/skills/ Remember that you can always you are looking at places to rent. come to SUPRA to get help if you are Are you feeling stressed and want finding it hard at uni. You can even WHERE IS SUPRA? come to SUPRA if you are finding it SUPRA also suggests you check out to talk to someone? The University Address: Raglan St Building G10 the Tenants’ Union website at www. has free services just for this reason. hard in your life outside of uni (for Darlington Campus tenants.org.au. Amongst other If you are a local student, you can example, if you are having trouble The University of Sydney NSW 2006 things, this website summarises contact the University Counselling with the place you are renting). the law in New South Wales Service (www.usyd.edu.au/ Phone: (02) 9351 3715 about renting and gives clear stuserv/counselling/index.shtml. ). You can call SUPRA on 9351 3715, Toll-free: 1800 249 950 explanations of what rights you If you are an international student, email us at [email protected]. Fax: (02) 9351 6400 have when renting a place. you can contact the International au or fill out a form online at E: [email protected] Student Support Unit (www.usyd. www.supra.usyd.edu.au Web: www.supra.usyd.edu.au Are you looking for tips for edu.au/stuserv/issu/). The studying? The University’s counsellors at these places can see

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FORUM Check out SUPRA on Twitter! SOCCER th n The Co-Presidents tweet at @ Cadigal Gree If you are interested in learning Are you looking to keep fit, have a SUPRAPrez with updates about ad more about recent changes to social afternoon, and get involved Butlin Av City Ro events, publications, campaigns, er immigration policy, come along with the activities that keep your e what’s going on in the University Mereweth to this open migration forum with heart racing? SUPRA Sport is back Church Lane and higher education, and lots Maze Cr c Aristotle Paipetis. for 2010 and we want you to join us. s more! ts & Aquati Tenni ts Spor re Cour Codrington Cent er St arlington Rd Land All welcome. No matter what your level of fitness D Services Buildi Ragl d St or desired involvement, come along! ng an St Economics an Business Buildi Friday 19th March - 1:00-3:00pm ng n

New Law Building If you would like to play soccer or t Rose S To Redfern Statio Lecture Theatre 101 there is another sport you think Abercrombie St would prove popular, contact us by email at [email protected] 18 The Lodgers

concoction, which is no longer for viewed in the wild, will often be seen COLLEGE sale), Nescafé and Schweppes Cola, discussing which GPS school they, or vintage diner-style tables and chairs their brother, attended. Freshers native (actual vintage, none of this ‘retro’ Joe Payten introduces you to a rare to the St. Andrew’s region are further bollocks), and rows and rows of species. marked, in their infancy, by their empty chocolate boxes. The only academic gown and brick that they carry concession to the modern world is Rob Chiarella says the milky bars Collegius freshius (Fresher) around university, both of which are a big advertisement for the Quitline an inconvenience imposed on them by are on him. where you would expect the elders in the pack. If you get to or from uni via cigarettes to be – but no cigarettes. GENUS: Collegius Parramatta Road through Stanmore, SPECIES: Freshius I walk in, and stand at the counter BEHAVIOUR: you may have noticed a shopfront that looks completely abandoned. for about five minutes. Everything The fresher is primarily a nocturnal Collegius freshius, or “fresher” as it is The doors are usually open – closing is dark and dusty, and there does and crepuscular creature, and is almost commonly known, is a bipedal primate them would do little good as they are not appear to be any actual food completely dormant during the summer, that is endemic to the lower North Shore held together with masking tape after for sale in the place. I hear some autumn, winter and spring months. and the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney. being smashed up – but the lights are rambling out the back, but it is a Their pattern of social behaviour is off and there appears to be no one while before the softly spoken, frail highly predictable: a rotation of college inside. old man comes out to serve me. HABITAT AND APPEARANCE: on Wednesday, Greenwood on a $2.50 for a chocolate milkshake, In the wider university, the fresher’s Thursday, and The Sheaf on a Saturday. According to folklore, The Olympia and the cash register has to be distribution is not well known. It almost Milk Bar used to do a thriving trade prodded into working, the keys never ventures outside of it’s college CONSERVATION STATUS: back when the Stanmore cinema was slightly stiff like the old typewriter habitat, however, in a very rare sighting, still open. These days, it has become it resembles. The milkshake Fresher’s have only one natural enemy: a fresher was once seen in Manning Bar. the subject of furrowed brows and machine is much quieter than anyone who doesn’t go to a university rumours of vampire sightings on modern models and does an college. However, thanks to almost non- The fresher is identified by its wardrobe, dodgy internet forums. No one quite excellent job. Thankfully, the time- existent interaction, the fresher rarely which consists almost exclusively knows how the owner, Mr Fotiousa, capsule feel of the place doesn’t encounters this predator and currently of college merchandise, and, when is able to stay in business despite a extend to expired dairy. faces no threat of extinction. dearth of customers – the consensus seems to be that he must own the Most of us are too young to remember the ubiquitous presence Lewis D’Avigdor is a backpacker building, and spends nothing getting the place restocked. He is notoriously of Greek milk bars in Australia, with the shits. Wanderlust quiet and doesn’t like photographs or and relatively few remain. If A case of Delhi Belly is so banal that it two seemingly disparate elements of this video being taken inside or speaking you want to find out what they barely warrants a mention, especially article come together. at length to customers. were like without listening to considering that at least half of the the old people you know waxing nostalgic, you can take HSTY 2614 students of Sydney Uni went to India or I got off a train after a 30-hour slog The place is like a museum, with old posters for Lion Bars (a kind of Australian Social History, or you some other comparably cheap South East of hitchhiking jeeps, local buses and rice crisp, caramel and chocolate can just pop in to the Olympia. Asian country over the summer holidays. decrepit trains (I’m so hardcore!) with a raging fever and my insides exploding So as we enter the unspoken annual out both ends. Barely able to walk, after competition of who had the Best Holiday, spending 10 hours squatting over a hole judged solely by Facebook photos, it is in train floor (gross is the new hardcore!), quite legitimate for the intrepid traveller to I thought it was high time that I got ask, “Why should I listen to this indulgent myself to a doctor. dickhead’s tall tales?” After all, we’ve all been off the beaten track and gone tubing Accosted by 50 auto-rickshaw wallahs, in Laos. I thought my luck was finally changing, so I asked a rickshaw wallah, “Namaste. This is why: I ended up in hospital with Where is the nearest hospital?” In amoebic dysentery and, consequently, I am response: head wobble, and “Yes”. harder-core-than-thou. Sigh. I could tell this was going to be a battle. Eventually I got the message Before I recount my journey from hostel across that I wanted a doctor and after to hospital, let me digress and explain he asked another rickshaw-wallah for three traits of Indian communication directions we were on our way. which lie along the spectrum of ‘cute’ to Predictably enough, he got lost, and it ‘infuriating’. (Of course, these are specious seemed that locals gave dodgy directions generalisations which in no way reflect the not only to tourists but also to each other. diversity of Indian cultures.) At least it wasn’t anything personal. Or anti-Australian (thank you, Melbourne, (1) The head-nod-shake-wobble. For for making me to pretend to be a Kiwi). someone who hasn’t encountered this phenomenon, my dubbing pretty Finally, by some stroke of luck, I ended much describes it. It doesn’t mean yes, up in one of the finest hospitals in Delhi, but then again, it doesn’t mean no. replete with my own nurse, nutritionist, It’s an aid to verbal communication, doctor and security guard. As I settled but incomprehensible to uninitiated into my US$800 a night hotel – I mean Westerners. hospital – I realised I wasn’t so hardcore. The Western toilet was a throne worthy (2) The second most curious aspect of of a King and the room service was Indian communication is their ability positively delightful. As I struggled to to say yes to open-ended questions. No understand my doctor’s accent, I realised malice is involved and this mostly derives that the miscommunications had gone from a lack of understanding. from cute to frustrating. It was time to go home. (3) Related to (2) is Indians’ willingness to offer directions which are simply wrong. In the end, I was bashed by, despite I’m still unsure whether or not this results what most backpackers may say to the from being too polite or embarrassed to contrary, what is pretty much a beaten say, “I don’t know or understand English” track. So can we all stop trying to or simply, “I don’t give a damn about impress each other and just enjoy the another annoying lost tourist”. experience? So, we have reached the point where the The Score 19

Bond action sequence would know how A SPORTING CHANCE useful this combination can be. Chris Martin liked the Winter Olympics. He wanted you to know that. At the Summer Games, we get the This is the year of the FIFA World the skills of amateur atheletes’ skills decathlon, a two-day competition Cup, so only one thing is certain – the in sports relevant to battle: running, including shot put and discus. These Winter Olympics will be forgotten throwing, wrestling and riding. You sports might be peerless reminders of by April, an insignificant support act wonder how artistic gymnastics made our school carnival days, but as tests of to the world’s biggest sporting event. the cut at the first modern Olympics battlefield endurance? You may as well While footballers like Cahill, Grella (1896) under these criteria. But even the What the fuck is a Dale Begg-Smith? throw yourself head first down a hill and Kennedy have become household absurdity of the pommel horse pales in at 130km/h. In the Winter Olympics, the international sporting landscape, names, Australian Winter Olympians comparison to Olympic handball and they call that the skeleton. especially when they come to prime- such as Holly Crawford and Dale Begg- table tennis, introduced in 1936 and time television, but next time they Smith will retain the anonymity of 1988 respectively. There cannot be a more impressive roll around pay closer attention to the screaming extras in a disaster film. sport in the world, however, than Winter Olympics. By the time they So before you scoff at the highlights curling. Here we find lawn bowlers in return home, the forty Australians in And that’s a shame, because the Winter packages featuring Mick Molloy (a warmer clothing, sweeping the ice to Vancouver will have achieved just as Olympics have retained more of the champion lawn bowler in his own control the path of giant pot plants. much as their Summer counterparts, Olympic spirit than the ‘real’ summer right, according to Crackerjack) No, nobody really understands it. measured by sporting conduct and Games. providing luge commentary, consider But full marks for inventiveness – the truly useful skills. Still, they will fade the legitimacy of the winter athletes’ administrators of Olympic sailing and into amateur athletic obscurity, rather History holds that the Athenians skills. The Winter biathlon, for instance, volleyball should take note. than grow into professional sporting originally crafted the Olympic Games involves a skiing race broken up by rifle superstars. In the spirit of the Olympics, as a means of testing and celebrating shooting. Anyone who’s seen a James They might be the comic relief of that’s exactly how it should be.

Welcome to “Oh, you’re the SRC. wearing a Strokes The Bar Fight: T-Shirt? Now I know everything In this special Oscars Would you like about you.” sauce with - Art History edition, Henry Hawthorne that? defends the might of TUTORIAL Avatar, while David Mack DICKHEADS SAY (The SRC Kitchen. Now talks up Hurt Locker. we know what the SRC is THE DARNDEST spending all its money on.) THINGS HENRY: What is the only film of deserves a punch in the face for 2009-2010 with the ability to induce its ripping off Dances with Wolves, own brand of withdrawal syndrome? Fern Gully and Pochahontas. The devastating beauty of this film was such that people left the movies with a We take your ‘ripping off ’ and suggest depression, because they could never ‘researching’, or perhaps ‘drawing on a actually experience a world so mind- rich and proud filmic cannon’. Unlike blowing. ‘Avatar Blues’ is my choice of Hurt Locker, whose plot has an uncanny melancholy. resemblance to The Animal starring Rob Schneider. Both needed more canned DAVID: Oh, please. The only thing laughter. depressing about Avatar is the acting. Sam Worthington doing Henry, did you even see The Hurt an American accent was about as Locker? pleasant to the ears as a cotton swab of herpes. Hurt Locker Yes, I have been a customer there for features a cast of unknowns who many years. An excellent retail service put in stellar performances in a providing a wide range of affordable and movie that wasn’t scripted by a comfortable footwear, but not a good lesser talented George Lucas. film.

One does not seem to comprehend That’s Foot Locker, you noob. You the profundity that is James Cameron, didn’t even see the film! l’auteur: are any of us more than flattened simulacra of our own self-made images, Nobody did. That’s my point. within an increasingly digitalised existence? How very twentieth century Well, that’s their loss. I saw Hurt of you, Hurt Locker. What’s more, with Locker on an airplane screen and 3D-making RayBans at $1 a pop who I saw Avatar in 3D on a screen has room for anything more than 2D bigger than the acting? colosseum, and never has plane James Cameron made Titanic. food tasted so He let Celine Dion provide the much sweeter theme to that movie. That’s my than a choctop. comeback and I feel it speaks for Hurt Locker itself. His ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow wins hands has not only made a better film down. than Avatar on a fraction of that grossly overblown budget, but she Who needs hands has made one of the best war films when you’ve got of all time. She deserves to be the the wings of a first woman to win the Oscar for Leonopteryx? Get involved - Help set the noodle eating record & Fight Student Poverty! ‘Best Director’. James Cameron contact SRC Education Officer Gabriel Dain // [email protected] / 96605222 20 Bletchley Park

3. Type of bread ready, prepared without advertising (3) 28. Honoured holy leader (7,4) THE 4. Denial oddly makes genes (1, 1, 1) 30. Doomed (5) 5. A pig reportedly makes a mistake 31. ______my backyard! (3,2) HONI SOIT for tools (7) 34. 1975 AC/DC single (1.1.1) 6. Not on Jolson’s entrails (5) 35. Superman villain with identical 7. Liftin’ fruit (6) powers (3) CROSSWORD 9. Country right before Russian 36. Intrude (4-2) Mountains (5) 37. Principle (4) CRYPTIC 10. Supportin’ mind (5) 13. One and twenty opening breakfast DOWN ACROSS grain (3) 16. Employ purpose (3) 1. News anchor’s announcement of 1. Connect Dimaggio-in’? (4) 18. “Peakaboo”, he said, “You’re in breaking story (4,2) 3. Vegetable is kind of awesome? (6) hospital”! (1, 1, 1) 2. “Is that not correct?” to a cockney 6. Paddle or a paddle (3) 20. Add a soundtrack above reggae? (5) 8. Southin’ vice? (3) (7) 3. Whiskey type (3) 9. Clinic where Amy won’t go (5) 21. Jacuzzin’ country? (5) 4. Deoxyribonucleic acid (1.1.1) 11. “F- you, tim” said roughly in plain 22. Allow student alien (3) 5. Insists on a point of argument (7) clothes (5) 23. Stickin’ sculptor? (5) 6. Organs, glands, tail, feet, snout, 12. Question: Bury or back before 24. Breathin’ bird? (6) tongue (for eating) (5) entrance? (11) 25. Cleanin’ Hoffman? (6) 7. Dried grape (6) 14. “The French”, I added, “Are a 27. Inaugurate Russian leader… (3-2) 9. Out of town (5) garland” (3) 29. …especially around their opening 10. Pinky’s partner (5) 15. Shootin’ Newspaper? (8) mountains? (5) 13. Something wild to sow when you 17. Quietin’ bone? (4) 32. 31 across? (3) are young (3) 19. Finding Captain? (4) 33. Bar not 31-across, apparently (3) 16. Manipulate (3) 21. Dangerous sumo lair where you Across 18. Area for the critically ill (1.1.1) can get a tan (8) BMFD 20. Put on top, as music (7) 26. Ref a cut of steak without topside QUICK (Read: Soft) 21. Don Quixote’s land (5) (3) 22. A nick of the net (3) 28. Rued glue tax imposed for holy ACROSS 23. ‘The Thinker’ Artist (5) cult leader (7, 4) Last Week's 1. Become a member (4) 24. Penguin for children (6) 30. Doomed chubby writer (5) 3. Edible root (6) 25. ‘The Graduate’ performer (6) 31. Recordin’ out (3, 2) Solution 6. Paddle (3) 27. The real power behind Medvedev 34. Alternative tuna to blow it up (1, 8. One of seven deadlies (3) (5) 1, 1) 9. Therapeutic Centre (5) 29. Extreme (5) 35. “There aren’t any” said sister (3) 11. Civilian Dress (5) 32. Reveal, as homosexuality (3) 36. Interrupt rammin’? (4-2) 12. Aggressively question (11) 33. Hotel 37. Motherin’ central? (4) 14. Luau garb (3) 29) Hypothesis 15. Short news report (8) 30) Poet Williams’ middle name DOWN 17. Front of the leg (4) 34) French Philosopher 19. Giant squid’s nemesis (4) 37) Make it while the sun shines! 1. Popstar barely not out? (6) 21. Tanning salon (8) 2. Isn’t it to a cockney contained 26. Ref. within, he said (5)

THE TAKE HOME 1. How many gold medals has Australia won 12. Which was founded first: NIDA or SUDS? SUDOKU in the history of the Winter Olympics? 13. In which Newtown music venue did The 2. Which Roman emperor made his horse a Whitlams start their career in music? senator? 14. What is Olympic gold medallist Lydia 3. Is a Lacuna: a) a small, brackish body of Lassila’s mother’s first name? water, b) a goth nest, c) a gap? 15. Who awkwardly interviewed Mrs 4. True or False: Nicole McCabe is a Mossad Ierodiaconou (Lydia’s mother again) for Assassin. Sports Tonight? 5. What was the winning film at Tropfest this 16. James Cameron (playing himself) directed year? which movie in the hit series Entourage? 6. What is Greg Combet’s new title following 17. How far is the Cumberland Campus from Peter Garrett’s demotion as Environment the University of Sydney Quadrangle? Minister? 18. What country did Bobby Fischer apply for 7. Who is the voice of Gossip Girl? citizenship to? 8. How many G.I.s are there in the famous 19. To the nearest ten, how many clubs flag-raising image taken at Iwo Jima? and societies can you join at Sydney 9. Which sibling band has sold more albums: University? Oasis or The Carpenters? 20. How many people did you hook up with 10. What is the technical name for a fear of during O-Week? fecal matter? 11. Who is hosting the 2010 Oscars?

RATED: OH, YEAH, IT’S NOT EXACTLY HARD. KEN KEN WORDSWORDSWORDS Each clue below represents one of five things in a familiar category. They are they only five examples of this in the world.What is the category? What are the five things? KEN KEN ?101?99 1?501? ?100?99 ?100?99 ?50?99 KEN KEN HINT. Remember, this is a word puzzle. Last Week’s Answers: Crash, Wings, Marty, Hamlet, Ghandi, The Sting, Gladiator, Amadeus, Braveheart, My Fair Lady, Grand Hotel, The Godfather, West Side Story, The English Patient, On The Waterfront,

Million Dollar Baby, Gone With The Wind, No Country For Old Men, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.

are acceptable. acceptable. are

Carpenters 10. Coprophobia 11. Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin 12. SUDS 13. The Sandringham 14. Ida 15. Ian Cohen 16. Aquaman 17. 12.9 km 18. U.S.S.R 19. 190 (186 to be precise) 20. Any answers answers Any 20. precise) be to (186 190 19. U.S.S.R 18. km 12.9 17. Aquaman 16. Cohen Ian 15. Ida 14. Sandringham The 13. SUDS 12. Martin Steve and Baldwin Alec 11. Coprophobia 10. Carpenters Answers: 1. 5 2. Caligula 3. C) 4. False. She had her identity stolen by a Mossad Assassin. 5. Shock 6. Minister assisting The Minister for Climate Change and Energy Efficiency. 7. Kristen Bell 8. 6 9. The The 9. 6 8. Bell Kristen 7. Efficiency. Energy and Change Climate for Minister The assisting Minister 6. Shock 5. Assassin. Mossad a by stolen identity her had She False. 4. C) 3. Caligula 2. 5 1. Answers: The Garter Press WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, NOT READ IT?

EDITION: 230 VOLUME: XXVII EST 2010 BC $1.50 or The Little One WE RUIN RELAXING WIN The Endings of This Summer’s Paper Scent A Year’s Supply of Days Hottest Films MOST PAGES Women need to ‘Tower Giant’ Photograph have more sex Revealed as Hoax with scientists, studies show Reggie Marmaduke Debunking the Photo Scientists at Canberra’s Institute of Foreign Correspondent and All Round How the experts think it was done Research have revealed that attractive Party Machine women not having regular sex with 1 Anstee prints out a cardboard replica of the tower and scientists run a 90% risk of hideous and After months of panic and speculation, props it up with some bricks or possibly a smaller giant. 5 instantaneous death every day. The study, the ‘Tower Giant’ image – depicting This replica is 1:5 the size of the original. made public today to massive acclaim by a hulking behemoth holding up the 2 Using the same Kinkos, and pretending to the attendant the scientific community, posits a direct link Leaning Tower of Pisa – was today that it’s for work, Anstee prints out a cardboard replica between scientist-inclusive sexual activity revealed as a hoax. of himself, this time much larger than the actual tower. A ratio of about 400:1, 3 African Elephants per head (see and prevention of a condition known only image). as Morecombopsia. The existence of the colossus, who The cutout of Anstee is placed some distance behind 1 had become to be known locally as 3 the cutout of the tower, as to give the impression that “Morcombopsia is a hugely dangerous L’uomo Benevolo Gigantesca Torre (The Anstee is smaller than the monument, but much larger than a regular man, and certainly capable of one-handedly condition for beautiful women,” said Ryan Benevolent Tower Giant), has been supporting the structure. Morecombe, head of the Institute of called into question after Dennis Anstee, 2 Research and discover of the disease. “It a regular-sized man, admitted to using 4 Ants, dressed a people are trained to mill about the base 3 of the cutout. can be contracted after any period of time tricks of the camera to achieve the spent not having sexual relations with a image. 5 The photograph is taken in Pisa, in order to provide a believable backdrop. 4 scientist, with between 12 hours to a week being the highest risk areas.” Anstee denies that his photographic would break to hear his good works handiwork was aimed at attracting The confession has sparked a backlash called into question. A lack of the nutrient “Morecombsin”, the attention of the global media, of disbelief, with many mythologists again named after its discoverer and but concedes that it was designed to accusing Anstee of trying to cash in “And let us not forget,” continued generated exclusively through sexual convince people that some kind of titan on the good works of a well-meaning Kilkennie from atop a three-storey relations with scientists is what’s was hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa. tower-righting man-mountain pillow, part of the enormous bed erected responsible for the disease. When the body (WMTRMM). in anticipation for the giant’s return and detects the deficit, a reaction is triggered “I intended to fool the world with a giant inevitable fatigue, “that the Giant could that slowly changes the host body from and in doing so I have made myself Michael Kilkennie, editor of the three- just have easily destroyed the monument, the delectable hourglass figure that it a giant fool,” said the now disgraced month-old Holy Shit! Large People rather than supporting it for posterity” undoubtedly already was into a nest of Anstee, who cast himself in the role of Holding Up Historical Monuments and writhing, venomous snakes. During the the leviathan. Landmarks Monthly, has leaped to the The confession has also raised questions transitional period between their heavenly, defence of the veracity of the image. over the existence of the Gigante con tanned, impeccably toned bodies and “I am sorry to the media, the public, to Pene Torre, evidence of which was also becoming a raging multitude of snakes my legions of followers of the Church di “A shame on those who wish to besmirch in the form of photographs taken three the objectively attractive victims are said Benevolo Gigantesca, disgraced historians the honest and charitable intentions months ago, who proudly displays a man to experience the most pain possible for a and my wife Pam, who were all taken in of this veritable Goliath, whose heart, with the Leaning Tower of Pisa as his human being. by my reckless deception.” which is surely as big as four horses, dick. “You have to understand,” continues Morecombe “It’s like giving birth to Local Man Voted Worst Person In History hundreds of little babies at once, but each baby is a snake and is biting you while really see it, but I guess when as high an friendly child, but then again, so was Stalin. Peter Coombe you’re giving birth, and your brain is Not the Children’s Entertainer, a Different authority as the UN makes a decision getting bitten by snakes.” Peter Coombe, the Reporter One. like that, there must be something to “In fact,” continued his father, “the only time it,” barely containing his evil designs, I ever saw him angry was when he was five, “Such cases go unreported because these In a field that included Adolf Hitler, such as rebuilding a subterranean lair and his cockatiel died.” However, note that women, and anyone who could report them Jack the Ripper and Joseph Fritzel, the for global domination, or something. “I Peter Baker’s name is an anagram of ‘Pet missing, are destroyed by the snakes that title of the worst person in history, as mean, sometimes I take videos back late, Breaker.’ Although cleared off all crimes result from it,” says Morecombe. voted recently by the United Nations, was and I guess my mates [who are Nazis] and misdemeanors The Garter suggested conferred on Peter Baker of Artamon. sometimes say I’m a bit cheap,” he added, to the Australian Federal Police, Peter “It’s a vicious cycle. A vicious cycle of not kicking a Labrador puppy but very Baker remains at large, a stain upon the snakes”. Baker, a systems analyst at AAPT, and much thinking about it. community of Sydney, and by extension, officially now a disgrace to the human humankind. He adds “These are tough times. Tough, race, lives in a semi-detached house But Baker didn’t stop there, he offered The physically draining times, for scientists. where he may or may not commit acts of Garter a cup of presumably poisoned tea, His address is 17 Acacia Rd, Artamon, Where scientists have got to work together unspeakable evil, with his wife and two which The Garter promptly threw in his and in unrelated news, Dale’s Hardware in to save the lives of 9s and 10s across the children. face, which is more than he deserves. Born Artamon is doing a sale on pitchforks and world.” in 1968, the year of the My Lai massacre (a flaming torches. Baker, that seething pile of shit, expressed coincidence? The Garter thinks not), Baker “Now If you’ll excuse me, I have some sexy surprise at the news, saying “well, I don’t was described by his parents as a happy, lives to save.” The Garter Press News (Cont) Fred Nile’s Prayers “Misunderstood” as it Rains Men at Mardi Gras

Michael Handsom when last Saturday’s festival mill, a fire station, a police which had shortly before razed Building Being Knocked Down, Sport mix as “eclectic” and Parade Corespondent was interrupted, but by no barracks, an Native American a feather boa factory, before means disrupted, by a passing Reservation and a Hell’s Angel gently setting the now dancing “They were all there: tall, Christian Democrat Senator shower of men. Chapter Meeting, before men in the middle of Oxford blonde, dark and lean, rough Fred Nile has claimed that the destroying several municipal Street. and tough and strong and Good Lord either misheard The Bureau of Meteorology buildings. mean. or misinterpreted his long- has attributed the phenomenon Witnesses report sighting a standing requests for the to a rogue hurricane which The hurricane carrying the variety of men descending “Hallelujah, Fred Nile,” added Mardi Gras to be rained out, passed through a steel worker’s airborne men then collided from the sky, with one attendee, Cooper, “Hallelujah.” with a separate hurricane, Brian Cooper describing the Comment This year’s Oscars will be the best ever and also will be won by Kim Jong Il

ened by the giant moving peo- is allowed to make films. with Kim Jong Il ple projected onto the walls? Maisy Beloved Tyrant and Or will it make a sadness when But all of the eyes are pointed Snuffington Movie Buff we dawn that the giants are at the movie of Kim Jong Il unhappy and trapped?” - a film maker who is both up Welcome to my homepage! But like other new languages It is that time of year again. and also coming and is creat- like Spanish or Braille, it The Oscars time of year. So let But the biggest question on ing waves with his tour of Please, come in, and browse can be fraught with danger us get ready for Oscars fever the lips in the faces of all those force movie and secret weather my words! and many chances for of which there is no cure but attending is the deafening hum machine. embarrassment. For example do not worry because the fever surrounding Kim Jong Il’s I think you will find them full what is a ROFLMAO? How But I congress. Many people of electricity! do you LOL? What is NASA? is not a fatal fever, like influ- glorious movie. enza. We all will crowd around are fearful for Kim, with many And why do people keep brave and stupid critics argu- Has Maisy gone mad? No! telling me to SHUT UP? I’m televisions and of radios and This year there are many great ing that the film is too short or Back off! And allow myself feeling haywired already. to request both; Who is us- movies worthy of the highest to let me let you in on a little ing a pleasant dress? Who is praise of a tiny person statue. not in colour enough to take secret: the above words in Here’s a few startup-tips not using one of the pleasant There is of course Avacado, the golden award. These people italics are not invented, but from Maisy to make sure dresses? And who is that in a directed by Jim Camera, who are both wrong and now dead. in fact all share a common you’re not caught with your limousine? Is it Brucey Wills? also made Titanic released in origin, what could it be? screen off: North Korea as Giant Doomed But one thing is for surety. The • A question which surely is on Floating People-Holder. And night will be a celebration of Given up? Or should I say, • the lips of all the people is “are also the Hurt Locker, directed fun and western decadence. A given download? All of these • by Cameroon’s used wife who thousand shames upon you all. newly invented words have people going to be too fright- only recently been invented Well maybe Maisy needs to with the invention of the do some research! I can’t No? Oh well. WWW (or “6U”), which think of any right now. Hi Dolores! is where we get the word LETTERS To the editors of The Garter, “Internet.com”. But hold onto your digital How’s work? I’ve attatched horses – is not true that the some adorable pictures of I write to complain about the Not since mouths has more things change the more Dear Editors, Mabel’s new grandson - flagrant use of curse words in technology had such an they stay the same? Do we Please can you have an edition doesn’t he look exactly like a your paper. The uses of Crucio, impact on our day-to-day not still use desktops and without the letter ‘e’ (I suppose baby! Thanks for all the funny Imperio and Avada Kedavra are vocabulary. This week, What folders, and cut and paste that would be ‘dition’!). I think emails you forward me, they truly unforgivable. In The Word will upload you and pour molten red wax onto it would amuse both myself brighten up my day! You still Yours in anger and magic, with a wikiload of knowledge our envelopes/keyboard? and my cacti. have my cake tin, give it back. A. Dumbledore (dead) bytes, and leave you thirsting Yours, Lots of love, for more, like a computer. But whether it’s on paper or a Frank D. Truffard Dorris Dear The Garter, screen, there still be words, PS. Give me back my cake tin. So, what does WWW actually and I’ll still be in a job as Keep up the great work. I read stand for? Well, no one your tour guide through this Dolores, your paper everyday, as well as knows, least of all me. But Wonderful World of Words! To Mr. D.P Washington, Please stop publishing personal eating most of it as I absorb its it’s can be fun to try to take Your mother is dead. letters sent to you from the power. I grow stronger every a guess with friends How *Dolores – not sure work email. Only letters I thought this was the best way why Maisy is still in day. about Words, Weird, Word! intended for publication are to tell you. Or What Will Wendy? Or the office? We told All shall know the name of, to be used in the section. The Dr. Vikram Kumar Winter Wonderland W? See, her that she was on Ivan D. Mulchbeast. P.S. I’m selling a lawn-mower, we’re having fun again! ‘holidays’? Please tell distinction should be obvious. her again for me, getting Regards, can I put that in the same ad? uncomfortable. Ed. THE RUDD GOVERNMENT IS PROUD TO “What could possibly go wrong?” ANNOUNCE ITS REVISED ROOF INSULATION PLAN: • ‘Raptors in the Roof ’ installed by com- petent, fully-trained fourth graders. • Former Soviet uranium deposits in your attic. • Fire. To keep your house warm. The Garter Press Lifestyle

I forget it. Anyone got a pen? Oh it’s do with beer. Trial held at 4 Aberdeen I WANT a girl with a mind like a CLASSIFIEDS (CONT) gone, never mind. Rd. St Wilks. diamond T. Jacobson I want a girl who knows what’s COLUMN∞ WHAT’S got three heads, a body, and best WANTED Saw strong enough to cut FOR SALE Information relating to a dresses in purple? My car. But at this I want a girl with shoes that cut Lorraine Armitage of Kirawee writes through bone. local criminal, peace-disturber and price who could refuse? One dollar, all And eyes that burn like cigarettes that she saw a man murdered in cold Large bag (for item size of human body) con-man. you can drive away. I want a girl with a short skirt and blood at the shops on the weekend. Spade Needed For: Gardening…. Yes, Cost: 30 pieces of silver a loo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ng … jacket. Do, What next Lorraine? What next? gardening will do. Please call J. Iscariot Esq. on SICK of procrastinating all day long? do-do do-dooo, da-da-da daaa da. Contact: Hmm, better not give my 0410659485 Broken yoyo, needs replacement shell, If this is you, call Cake 0469549879 More on the ‘Why don’t we have name. Just meet me in Johnson’s Al- string and bearings. Worth it’s while a public holiday on Canada Day” leyway, at night. FOUND A house. 44 Balmoral Rd, Potts for fantastic spinney result. Auction on TO THE stern-looking lady who sits saga (Column Infinity, Tuesday), Point. It was just lying by the side of the 3/4/2010. near Town Hall every day, very still, Derek Wells of Arncliffe writes MISSING $6,000. If found, please leave road. If it is yours please email me at and holding a scepter and an orb. that there is no such country as in the Cellar Theatre in full view of [email protected] URGENTLY looking to get rid of 10,000 If you love me too I’ll be there Canada. Well, the plot thickens. general public. spoons, will swap for one knife. Pls call tomorrow holding a carnation.

MISSING. Me. Where am I? There is a A. Morisette. We were meant to be together. Francis Carmody, Greenacre, wrote FOR SALE My name. It’s a great name. road with a blue house. And a sort of in asking “Why isn’t Jimmy Stewart You know you want it. Only used once. antique/second hand book store on ONE urn, immaculately maintained, OLDER, one-legged gentleman in the movies anymore?” Anyone who $4,000,000 o.n.o the corner. A man with a moustache only one previous owner. Valued at seeks white whale. can explain this please write in and Contact: Tony Barnes 0405897365 just walked past. $150 but everything’s negotiable. Call A gold doubloon for the first one let us know.

If you know where I am call me on Y. Lee. to spy her. MISSING One baby. Reward offered if 0405777484 Several readers have written you can find her before my wife gets $$$$ NO REWARD! $$$$ SUN glasses but for real (made from ANYONE out there like sex? in commenting on the cloud home.I am in so much trouble. sun) – may be counterproductive. I do. shaped like a Ferris Wheel that C. Lindbergh. FOR SALE I only have enough money I’ll have sex with anyone and anything. appeared in the skies above for nineteen words, so I’ll be pithy. I’m I once had sex with an otter. Sydney yesterday. The Garter’s FOR SALE trying to sell a PERSONALS The Hon. Justice Michael P. Hargreaves. meteorological department have Iceland. (I hope the press don’t catch wind of assured us that it was, in fact, an I’ve had enough. NEVER ENDING rope, $14.99. Pick up this!) actual Ferris Wheel. €1.75 o.n.o any time. Tie to back of car and tow ELDERLY woman looking for loving Contact Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir Here’s another summer tip on home as much as you damn well want. man to be her bridge partner. NO TO THE blonde girl on the 470 who said how to have fun saving water and Damn rope takin’ up all my living room! SEX! Well, all right, handjobs. I was weird the other day. FOR SAYLE Happy Birthday Alexei! May energy, this week from Harry Call Doris 95584877 Sorry for vomiting in your purse (I your middling comedy last forever. TAXIDERMY collection looking for good guess you only discovered that after Southington St Ives, who has taken to sitting naked in an empty bath home. Prefers dark, dry space in which ARE you the man of my dreams? you’d gotten off the bus in disgust at INFORMATION NEEDED About the with the lights off. Keep up the to come alive at night. Call 0499 499 If so, what does it mean that I am that other thing I did.) economy. You know, just general stuff good work, Harry! 482. holding a live fish? I’m not weird. We should hang out. .Every little bit helps. And how do I interpret my Uncle Call me 95649887 Call W. Swan on 0408659465 “What’s black, white, and red all BEER don’t drink itself! Looking for Frank being there? over?” asks Susie Tallis Mt. Isa, “this able-bodied young man who can hold Call Janice. Phone Number: 7 WANTED A Pen. I just lost my pen, and newspaper!” More of an aural pun, his liquor to rake my lawn. Nothing to I need to write something down before Susie, better luck next time! *A note to Column Infinity would-be- a pleasant time. And perhaps you that today is just another Your dreams of losing weight, submitters, no more crap please. HOROSCOPES later return home. Nothing day in the banal, mundane with Mystic Pete getting married, winning an sinister. That’s all. existence that is your life, com- Oscar and sailing the Medi- A hearty congratulations plete with the endless stream terranean will all come true to Michael from South Each week, Mystic Pete gets Wollstonecraft, who has found no into a bar fight with the stars, TAURUS of meaningless trivialities that – as soon as you put down incorrect apostrophes in his suburb pins them down and demands The collision of Earth and Mars make up an average day for the horoscopes section, stop week – your constant vigilance their secrets. He then writes will both bring new possibilities you, but what you don’t realise obsessing over the influence and marking local grammar errors for wealth and instant death. – what you have no appre- of planets and stars and get with a smear of blood have finally them down on a brick and paid off ! throws it through the window ciation of and are supremely yourself a life. of The Garter. Then we make GEMINI ignorant of – is that today, Gladys from Gordon saw a lorikeet them up. Heck, you’re only as old as unlike any other day, you will SAGITTARIUS out her infirmary window. Lorikeet. you feel! This week you will accidentally put on yesterday’s This week you really need to Now that’s a funny name for a bird or ARIES rediscover your younger self, underpants. think about whether nor not otherwise. This week you will take a trip perhaps by buying a pacifier you actually need that inflat- Nigel from North Turramurra down memory lane and visit or lurking amongst playground LEO able Tony Danza Pool Toy. You thinks that yesterday’ss 3 Down and old loved one, or perhaps a equipment. You will have many fat days this do. (clue: A slippery customer) could place dear to you in your child- week. have been “cad” rather than “cod”. hood. Nothing bad will hap- CANCER It could well have been, Nigel. On the surface, it may seem to VIRGO pen. Not a thing. You’ll have Helen Boyle writes to say she received an “e-mail” the other day. “What’s next?” She asks. “F-mail?” Thanks for a good laugh Helen! SPOTTED! CHESS PROBLEM Spotted in Hurlstone Park by Jason Donovan on King Georges Libby Clements, ‘Paul’s Fish and Highway stealing from the rich and Megan Fox in her house, from a Chips’ has put up a new sign, but Digging into the archives this giving to the poor. distance, behind a tree, in a van. with a spelling error. The sign week with the 1987 World Submitted by: Jason Donovan Submitted by: anon reads ‘DogRapistButtGoblin Fish and Chips.’ That’s why you always Champions Final, USA playing A Bee on my nose. Get it off! Get it proofread Paul, says Libby. Black and finding itself in a Leonardo Dicaprio on George Street playing a detective in the movie off! tricky position against a Soviet Submitted by: A flower Shutter Island Send your submissions to Column∞ white. Black has an almost Submitted by: Annie [email protected] undefeatable position, and shouldn’t find it difficult to The Garter would like to force a resignation. thank its interns.

Now bear in mind that white AN ADVERT HERE Patrick Magee, Mark has used up most of its rubies, Answer: in an ingenious piece Once again Dolores, this is not Sutton, Tom Walker, Henry and has lost 70% of its force- of end-game play, White plays the advert, you need to find the Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, field. Also, it is not possible to left-hook to E3! and scissor-kick advert on the server and place it David Mack and Joe Smith- use resurrection spells on other to E5/F4, uses its last bullet to party members. here. This is what these messages Davies all did terrific jobs shoot a stockpile of flammable mean. There should be no ambigu- during their brief time with liquid cannisters, taking out us . Can the reader find the only ranks A-D, and escapes on its ity from now on. This is an offi- move that Black could have horse in the confusion. cial warning -Ed. played? You’re not getting your shoes back.