Note: Funny Modern Versions Are Especially Appreciated!

1) (Murellus to Cobbler, p. 9) 20) (Brutus reading his letter, p. 65) Wherefore rejoice? What conquest brings he home? ‘Brutus, thou sleepst: awake, and see thyself: What tributaries follow him to Rome Shall Rome, &c. Speak, strike, redress. To grace in captive bonds his chariot wheels? Brutus, thou sleepst: awake.’ You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless Such instigations have been often dropped things! Where I have took them up: O you hard hearts, you cruel men of Rome, ‘Shall Rome, &c.’ Thus must I piece it out: Knew you not Pompey? Many a time and oft Shall Rome stand under one man’s awe? What, Rome? Have you climbed up to walls and battlements, My ancestors did from the streets of Rome To towers and windows; yea, to chimney tops, The Tarquin drive, when he was called a king. Your infants in your arms, and there have sat ‘Speak, strike, redress.’ Am I entreated The live-long day, with patient expectation, To speak and strike? O Rome, I make thee promise, To see great Pompey pass the streets of Rome[.] If the redress will follow, thou receivest They full petition at the hand of Brutus! 2) (Flavius to Murellus, p. 11) Go, go, good countrymen, and, for this fault, 21) (Brutus to himself, p. 67) Assemble all the poor men of your sort; Since Cassius first did whet me against Caesar Draw them to Tiber banks, and weep your tears I have not slept. Into the channel, till the lowest stream Between the acting of a dreadful thing Do kiss the most exalted shores of all. [Exit all the commoners] And the first motion, all the interim is See whe’er their basest metal be not moved; Like a phantasma or a hideous dream. They vanish tongue-tied in their guiltiness. The genius, and the mortal instruments Go you down that way towards the Capitol; Are then in council; and the state of man, This way will I. Disrobe the images, Like to a little kingdom, suffers then If you do find them decked with ceremonies. The nature of an insurrection.

3) (Flavius to Murellus, p. 13) 22) Brutus to himself, p. 69) It is no matter. Let no images They are the faction. O conspiracy, Be hung with Caesar’s trophies. I’ll about, Sham’st thou to show thy dangerous brow by night And drive away the vulgar from the streets; When evils are most free? O then, by day So do you too, where you perceive them thick. Where wilt thou find a cavern dark enough These growing feathers, plucked from Caesar’s wing, To mask thy monstrous visage? Seek none, conspiracy, Will make him fly an ordinary pitch, Hide it in smiles, and affability. Who else would soar above the view of men, For if thou path, thy native semblance on, And keep us all in servile fearfulness. Not Erebus itself were dim enough, To hide thee from prevention.

4) (Brutus to Cassius, p. 19) Cassius, 23) (Brutus to conspirators, p. 73) Be not deceived. If I have veiled my look, No, not an oath; if, not the face of men, I turn the trouble of my countenance The sufferance of our souls, the time’s abuse, - Merely upon myself. Vexéd I am If these be motives weak, break off betimes, Of late with passions of some difference, And every man hence to his idle bed: Conceptions only proper to myself, So let high-sighted tyranny range on, Which give some soil, perhaps, to my Till each man drop by lottery. But if these, behaviors; As I am sure they do, bear fire enough But let not therefore my good friends be To kindle cowards, and to steel with valour grieved The melting spirits of women, then, countrymen, (Among which number, Cassius, be you one), What need we any spur but our own cause Nor construe any further my neglect, To prick us to redress? What other bond Than that poor Brutus, with himself at war, Than secret Romans that have spoke the word Forgets the shows of love to other men. And will not palter? And what other oath, Than honesty to honesty engaged, 5) (Cassius to Brutus, p. 21) That this shall be, or we will fall for it. Therefore, good Brutus, be prepared to hear. And, since you know you cannot see yourself 24) (Brutus to conspirators, p. 73) So well as by reflection, I, your glass, Swear priests and cowards and men cautelous, Will modestly discover to yourself Old feeble carrions and such suffering souls That of yourself which you yet know not of. That welcome wrongs; unto bad causes swear And be not jealous on me, gentle Brutus. Such creatures as men doubt; but do not stain Were I a common laughter, or did use The even virtue of our enterprise, To stale with ordinary oaths my love Nor the insuppressive mettle of our spirits, To every new protester, if you know, To think that or our cause or our performance That I do fawn on men, and hug them hard, Did need an oath; when every drop of blood And after scandal them, or if you know, That every Roman bears, and nobly bears, That I profess myself in banqueting Is guilty of a several bastardy, To all the rout, then hold me dangerous. If he do break the smallest particle Of any promise that hath passed from him. 6) (Cassius to Brutus, p. 23) I know that virtue to be in you, Brutus, 25) (Brutus to conspirators, p. 77) As well as I do know your outward favour. Our course will seem too bloody, Caius Cassius, Well, honour is the subject of my story. To cut the head off, and then hack the limbs I cannot tell what you and other men Like wrath in death and envy afterwards, Think of this life, but, for my single self, For Antony is but a limb of Caesar. I had as lief not be, as live to be Let us be sacrificers, but not butchers, Caius. In awe of such a thing as I myself. We all stand up against the spirit of Caesar, I was born free as Caesar; so were you; And in the spirit of men there is no blood: We both have fed as well, and we can both O that we then could come by Caesar’s spirit, Endure the winter’s cold as well as he. And not dismember Caesar! But, alas, Caesar must bleed for it. 7) (Cassius to Brutus, p. 25) ... and this man 26) (Decius to conspirators, p. 79) Is now become a god, and Cassius is Never fear that. If he be so resolved, A wretched creature, and must bend his body If Caesar carelessly but nod on him. I can o’ersway him; for he loves to hear He had a fever when he was in Spain, That unicorns may be betrayed with trees, And, when the fit was on him, I did mark And bears with glasses, elephants with holes, How he did shake; ‘t is true, this god did shake; Lions with toils, and men with flatterers. His coward lips did from their colour fly, But, when I tell him he hates flatterers, And that same eye, whose bend doth awe the world, He says he does, being then most flattered. Did lose his lustre; I did hear him groan. Let me work; Ay, and that tongue of his, that bade the Romans For I can give his humour the true bent; Mark him, and write his speeches in their books, And I will bring him to the Capitol. ‘Alas,’ it cried, ‘give me some drink, Titinius,’ As a sick girl. Ye gods, it doth amaze me, 27) (Brutus to conspirators and self, p. 81) A man of such a feeble temper should Good gentlemen, look fresh and merrily, So get the start of the majestic world, Let not our looks put on our purposes, And bear the palm alone. But bear it as our Roman actors do, With untired spirits, and formal constancy; 8) (Cassius to Brutus, p. 25) And so, good morrow to you every one. Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world [Exeunt all but BRUTUS] Like a Colossus, and we petty men Boy! Lucius! Fast asleep? It is no matter; Walk under his huge legs, and peep about Enjoy the honey-heavy dew of slumber! To find ourselves dishonourable graves. Thou hast no figures, nor no fantasies, Men at some times are masters of their fates. Which busy care draws in the brains of men; The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, Therefore thou sleepst so sound. But in ourselves, that we are underlings. ‘Brutus’ and ‘Caesar’: What should be in that 28) (Portia to Brutus, p. 83) ‘Caesar’? Nor for yours neither. You have ungently, Brutus, Why should that name be sounded more than yours? Stole from my bed; and yesternight at supper Write them together, yours is as fair a name; You suddenly arose, and walked about, Sound them, it doth become the mouth as well. Musing, and sighing, with your arms across; Weigh them, it is as heavy. Conjure with them, And when I asked you what the matter was, ‘Brutus’ will start a spirit as soon as ‘Caesar’. You stared upon me with ungentle looks. Now in the names of all the gods at once, I urged you further; then you scratched your head, Upon what meat doth this our Caesar feed And too impatiently stamped with your foot. That he is grown so great? Age, thou art shamed! Yet I insisted, yet you answered not, But with an angry wafture of your hand 9) (Cassius to Brutus, p. 27) Gave sign for me to leave you. So I did, Rome, thou hast lost the breed of noble bloods! Fearing to strengthen that impatience When he went there by an age, since the great flood, Which seemed too much enkindled, and withal, But it was famed with more than with one man? Hoping it was but an effect of humour, When could they say, till now, that talked of Rome, Which sometimes hath his hour with every man. That her wide walls encompassed but one man? Now it is Rome indeed, and room enough, 29) (Portia to Brutus, p. 85) When there is in it but one only man. Is Brutus sick? And is it physical O, you and I have heard our fathers say To walk unbraced, and suck up the humours There was a Brutus once, that would have brooked Of the dank morning? What? Is Brutus sick? The eternal devil to keep his state in Rome, And will he steal out of his wholesome bed As easily as a king. To dare the vile contagion of the night, And tempt the rheumy and unpurged air, 10) (Brutus to Cassius, p. 27) To add unto his sickness? No, my Brutus, That you do love me I am nothing jealous; You have some sick offence within your mind, What you would work me to, I have some aim. Which by the right and virtue of my place How I have thought of this, and of these times, I ought to know of . . . I shall recount hereafter. For this present, I would not, so with love I might entreat you, 30) (Portia to Brutus, p. 87) Be any further moved. What you have said If this were true, then should I know this secret. I will consider; what you have to say I grant I am a woman, but withal I will with patience hear, and find a time A woman that Lord Brutus took to wife. Both meet to hear, and answer, such high things. I grant I am a woman, but withal, A woman well-reputed, Cato’s daughter. 11) (Caesar to Antony, p. 31) Think you I am no stronger than my sex Would he were fatter! But I fear him not. Being so fathered, and so husbanded? Yet if my name were liable to fear, Tell me your counsels, I will not disclose them. I do not know the man I should avoid I have made a strong proof of my constancy, So soon as that spare Cassius. He reads much, Giving myself a voluntary wound He is a great observer, and he looks Here, in the thigh. Can I bear that with patience, Quite through the deeds of men. He loves no plays, And not my husband’s secrets? As thou dost, Antony; he hears no music; Seldom he smiles, and smiles in such a sort 31) (Calpurnia to Caesar, p. 93) As if he mocked himself, and scorned his spirit Caesar, I never stood on ceremonies, That could be moved to smile at anything. Yet now they fright me. There is one within Such men as he be never at heart’s ease Besides the things that we have heard and seen, Whiles they behold a greater than themselves, Recounts most horrid sights seen by the watch. And therefore are they very dangerous. A lioness hath whelped in the streets, And graves have yawned, and yielded up their dead; 12) (Casca to Cassius & Brutus, p. 35) Fierce fiery warriors fought upon the clouds I can as well be hanged as tell the manner of it. In ranks and squadrons and right form of war, It was mere foolery; I did not mark it. I saw Mark Which drizzled blood upon the Capitol. Antony offer him a crown, yet ‘t was not a crown The noise of battle hurtled in the air. neither, ‘t was one of these coronets: and, as I told Horses did neigh, and dying men did groan, you, he put it by once: but for all that, to my And ghosts did shriek and squeal about the streets. thinking, he would fain have had it. Then he O Caesar, these things are beyond all use, offered it to him again; then he put it by again; but And I do fear them. to my thinking, he was very loath to lay his fingers off it. And then he offered it the third time; he put 32) (Caesar to Calpurnia, p. 95) it the third time by, and still as he refused it, the What can be avoided rabblement hooted, and clapped their chapped Whose end is purposed by the mighty gods? hands, and threw up their sweaty nightcaps, and Yet Caesar shall go forth; for these predictions uttered such a deal of stinking breath, because Are to the world in general as to Caesar . . . Caesar refused the crown, that it had almost Cowards die many times before their deaths; choked Caesar; for he swooned and fell down at The valiant never taste of death but once. it; and for mine own part, I durst not laugh, for Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, fear of opening my lips, and receiving the bad air. It seems to me most strange that men should fear, Seeing that death, a necessary end, 13) (Casca to Cassius & Brutus, p. 37) Will come when it will come. Marry, before he fell down, when he perceived the common herd was glad he refused the crown, he 33) (Caesar to Decius, p. 99) plucked me ope his doublet, and offered them his The cause is in my will; I will not come. throat to cut. An I had been a man of any occu- That is enough to satisfy the Senate. pation, if I would not have taken him at a word, But for your private satisfaction, I would I might go to hell among the rogues. And Because I love you, I will let you know. so he fell. When he came to himself again, he said, Calpurnia here, my wife, stays me at home: if he had done or said any thing amiss, he desired She dreamt tonight she saw my statue, their worships to think it was his infirmity. Three Which like a fountain with an hundred spouts or four wenches where I stood, cried ‘Alas, good Did run pure blood, and many lusty Romans soul,’ and forgave him with all their hearts. But Came smiling, and did bathe their hands in it; there’s no need to be taken of them; if Caesar had And these does she apply for warnings and portents stabbed their mothers, they would have done no less. And evils imminent; and on her knee Hath begged that I will stay at home today. 14) (Cassius after Brutus has left, p. 41) Well, Brutus, thou art noble; yet I see, 34) (Decius to Caesar, p. 99) They honourable metal may be wrought This dream is all amiss interpreted. From that it is disposed; therefore ‘t is meet, It was a vision fair and fortunate. That noble minds keep ever with their likes; In which so many smiling Romans bathed, For who so firm that cannot be seduced? Signifies that from you great Rome shall suck Caesar doth bear me hard, but he loves Brutus. Reviving blood, and that great men shall press If I were Brutus now, and he were Cassius, For tinctures, stains, relics, and cognizance. He should not humour me. I will this night, This by Calpurnia’s dream is signified. In several hands, in at his windows throw, As if they came from several citizens, 35) (Decius to Caesar, p. 101) Writings, all tending to the great opinion I have, when you have heard what I can say; That Rome holds of his name, wherein obscurely And know it now: the Senate have concluded Caesar’s ambition shall be glanced at. To give this day a crown to mighty Caesar. And after this, let Caesar seat him sure, If you shall send them word you will not come, For we will shake him, or worse days endure. Their minds may change. Besides, it were a mock Apt to be rendered, for some one to say 15) (Casca to Cicero, p. 43) ‘Break up the Senate till another time, Are you not moved, when all the sway of earth When Caesar’s wife shall meet with better dreams.’ Shakes, like a thing unfirm? O Cicero, If Caesar hide himself, shall they not whisper, I have seen tempests, when the scolding winds ‘Lo, Caesar is afraid’? Have rived the knotty oaks, and I have seen The ambitious ocean swell, and rage, and foam, 36) (Artemidorus, reading aloud, p. 105) To be exalted with the threatening clouds: [Reads] ‘Caesar, beware of Brutus, take heed of But never till tonight, never till now, Cassius; come not near Casca, have an eye to Did I go through a tempest dropping fire. Cinna, trust not Trebonius, mark well Metellus Either there is a civil strife in heaven, Cimber; Decius Brutus loves thee not. Thou hast Or else the world, too saucy with the gods, wronged Caius Ligarius. There is but one mind in all Incenses them to send destruction. these men, and it is bent against Caesar. If thou beest not immortal, look about you. Security 16) (Cassius to Casca, p. 47) gives way to conspiracy. The mighty Gods defend You are dull, Casca, and those sparks of life thee. Thy lover, Artemidorus.’ That should be in a Roman you do want, Here will I stand till Caesar pass along, Or else you use not. You look pale and gaze, And as a suitor will I give him this. And put on fear, and cast yourself in wonder, My heart laments that virtue cannot live To see the strange impatience of the heavens. Out of the teeth of emulation. But if you would consider the true cause, If thou read this, O Caesar, thou mayst live; Why all these fires, why all these gliding ghosts, If not, the fates with traitors do contrive. Why birds and beasts, from quality and kind, Why old men, fools, and children calculate, 37) (Soothsayer to Portia, p. 109) Why all these things change, from their ordinance, None that I know will be, much that I fear may chance. Their natures, and pre-formed faculties, Good morrow to you! Here the street is narrow; To monstrous quality; why, you shall find, The throng that follows Caesar at the heels, That heaven hath infused them with these spirits, Of Senators, of Praetors, common suitors, To make them instruments of fear and warning, Will crowd a feeble man almost to death. Unto some monstrous state. I’ll get me to a place more void, and there Speak to great Caesar as he comes along. 17) (Cassius to Casca, p. 51) And why should Caesar be a tyrant then? 38) (Portia to herself, p. 111) Poor man, I know he would not be a wolf, I must go in. Ay me! How weak a thing But that the sees the Romans are but sheep; The heart of woman is! O Brutus, He were no lion, were not Romans hinds. The heavens speed thee in thine enterprise. Those that with haste will make a mighty fire, (Aside) Sure, the boy heard me. Brutus hath a suit Begin it with weak straws. What trash is Rome, That Caesar will not grant. O, I grow faint! What rubbish, and what offal, when it serves Run, Lucius, and commend me to my lord, For the base matter, to illuminate Say I am merry; come to me again, So vile a thing as Caesar! But oh grief, And bring me word what he doth say to thee. Where hast thou led me? I perhaps speak this Before a willing bondman; then I know My answer must be made.

18) (Brutus to himself, p. 61) It must be by his death; and for my part, I know no personal cause to spurn at him, But for the general. He would be crowned. How that might change his nature, there’s the question. It is the bright day that brings forth the adder, And that craves wary walking. Crown him that, And then, I grant, we put a sting in him, That at his will he may do danger with. The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins Remorse from power . . .

19) (Brutus to himself, p. 63) . . . and, to speak truth of Caesar, I have not known when his affections swayed More than his reason. But ‘t is a common proof, That lowliness is young ambition’s ladder, Whereto the climber-upward turns his face: But when he once attains the upmost round, He then unto the ladder turns him back, Looks in the clouds, scorning the base degrees By which he did ascend; so Caesar may; Then, lest he may, prevent.

Choose your segment from the following list. There are exactly 38 samples to choose from; you may **not** use the same segment that another student chooses. When you paste your segment into your post, include the number so it’s clear that it’s been taken.

Note: **funny** modern versions are especially appreciated!