Indirect Expressions of Anger

Many of us may feel uncomfortable about expressing our anger directly. As a result, we can find ourselves engaging in passive-aggression—that is, expressing anger indirectly. Chronic criticism, nagging, nitpicking, and sarcasm are all forms of passive-aggression. Procrastination, especially when you have promised a partner that you will do something, may be a form of passive-aggression (Ferrari and Emmons 1994). These behaviors create unnecessary distance and pain in relationships. Most people who use sarcasm do so unthinkingly, unaware of its hurtful consequences. But being the target of sarcastic or otherwise hurtful remarks can result in partners feeling alienated from each other (Murphy and Oberlin 2006). Then too, sex and other expressions of intimacy become arenas for ongoing conflict when partners passive-aggressively withhold them. For example, a partner makes a disparaging comment in front of company. The hurt spouse says nothing at the time but rejects the other’s sexual advances later.

Other forms of indirect anger include sabotage and displacement. Sabotage, a means of getting revenge, or “payback” (Boon, Deveau, and Alibhal 2009), involves one partner’s attempts to spoil or undermine some activity that the other has planned. For example, the partner who is angry because the other invited friends over when he or she wanted to relax may sabotage the evening by acting bored. In displacement, a person directs anger at people or things that the other cherishes. An individual who is angry with a partner for spending too much time on a career may hate the partner’s expensive car.

Typically, individuals express anger indirectly because they are afraid of conflict, either generally or with reference to a specific person or persons (Murphy and Oberlin 2006; Oyamot, Fuglestad, and Snyder 2010). Advising partners to express anger directly rests on assumptions of equitable power and feelings of security in a relationship (Knobloch and Knobloch-Fedders 2010; Knudson-Martin and Mahoney 2009). Nevertheless, partners and family members who do not express their anger directly risk emotional and/or sexual detachment (Gottman and Levenson 2000). Of course, it is important to recognize that direct expressions of anger can go too far, resulting in domestic violence (Rehman et al. 2009), discussed in Chapter 13. We turn now to what an important research team has to say about conflict management.

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