Chapter 6 Communication

CHAPTER 6 COMMUNICATION Instructor: Wendy Crapo

NON VERBAL: Verbal = basic content Non Verbal = basic interpersonal attitude, emotion or relationship towards the person. • Compliments: Helps convey full meaning of what we say. • Substitutes: Can communicate how we feel without words, to someone who reads us well. • Regulate: Trailing off indicates other may speak. • Contradict: “No, I’m NOT angry.” People believe non verbal first, if they aren’t the same message. PROXIMITY • Can indicate interest & attention. • Where we sit (proximity) indicates levels of intimacy. • Moving away indicates desire to terminate conversation. • Moving closer usually one exchanges cues to avoid chance of rejection. • Cultures differ in degree of acceptable closeness.

EYE CONTACT • Read story of Auchmed:

There were two lips and one day one of the lips realized the other lip was higher than him so they argued and fought and didn’t work together. The person wanted to speak the words of love that his heart felt for a woman but the lips were never working together, only fighting and he could not say the words. The heart wanted so badly to express it’s love to this woman. Finally the heart realized it was connected to the eyes. They were equal, side-by-side and wouldn’t fight. So he was able to express the feelings of his heart through his eyes. You can always tell what a person feels in their heart through their eyes, not the lips. EYE CONTACT Indicates interest, even for a split second more than normal.

• Flirting means eyes darting back & forth. • People in love have prolonged looks at each other. • Those in conflict may avoid looking at each other. • Avoiding eye contact shows disinterest or insincere interest. TOUCH Basic of all senses, closest form. Body Orientation, Posture Gestures: • Tap fingers • Lifted eyebrow • Rub nose or pull on ear • Sweating palms, white knuckles • Folded arms • Swinging or crossing legs • Wringing hands, kicking ground • Steeple hands • Feet on desk GENDER DIFFFERENCES OF COMMUNICATING Women: • Smile more more emotional, claim less space, more eye contact, use more qualifiers (don’t you think?), & intensifiers (awfully). Wives send clearer messages to husbands, are more sensitive & responsive, husbands may not reply at all or withdraw. Usually wives want change & husbands withdraw with the most to gain by doing so. But wives set the emotional tone in a family. GENDER DIFFERENCES Men: • Disclose less personal info • Safer topics like sports or work • More profanity & harsh words • More dominating of conversation • Traditional roles inhibit communication. COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES

• DEFINITION:

A two part process used to exchange information. First the message must be sent…. then received… and understood. Levels of Communication

• Wondering, assuming and guessing what others feel or think, makes disaster. • In order to have meaningful relationships (dates, friends, family, employment) it is essential to have effective communication.

MISPERCEPTIONS

ROADBLOCKS & MISCOMMUNICATION • Placaters: Agreeable, appeases others, a pleaser. • Blamers: Superior. Doesn’t listen and tries to escape responsibilities. • Computers: Very correct and reasonable. Logical, ignores emotions. • Distractors: Frenetic and seldom says anything relevant, changes the subject.

• Interrupting – breaking into the conversation, not giving the other a chance to finish. • Endless fighting – bring up things from the past & never resolving things. • Character assassination – name calling, belittling, insulting remarks. • Calling in reinforcements – involve outsiders to support you. • Withdrawal – leave, indifference, silent treatment. • Need to be right – refusal to admit their part in the problem. Likelihood of divorce due to miscommunication: • Contempt • Criticism • Defensiveness • Stonewalling • Belligerence WHY PEOPLE DON’T COMMUNICATE • Ashamed or guilty of feelings • Fearful feelings will create conflict • Suppress unacceptable feelings • Deny our feelings to self GOOD COUPLE COMMUNICATION SELF-DISCLOSURE • Allows mutual understanding and helps us discover who we are. • Women can self disclose easier than men usually. • One can feel lonely even when with someone all the time due to lack of self disclosure. • “Why is it hard to talk about feelings?” • Is vital to closeness but requires trust because it makes you vulnerable.

TRUST • Trust will develop only if relationship is likely to continue. • We need to know how a person will react (not hurt us). • Person must have other acceptable options available.

“Which would be best?”

• Remain silent • Respond with anger • Remain indifferent • Acknowledge partners feelings as being valid (rather than right or wrong) and disclose how you feel in response.

Constructive feedback guidelines:

• “I” messages. • Focus on behaviors rather than the person. • Focus on facts, not judgments (“You don’t really care how I feel about the dishes” or “What kind of person would leave dirty dishes all over”). • Don’t exaggerate. “I always pick up after you”. • Don’t tell what to do, simply offer alternative. Nobody likes to be told what to do. • Respond the best way for you partner. Anger may shut them down. • Don’t overload. • Appropriate time and place. I – MESSAGES I – messages are used during those difficult times when you must assert yourself and confront someone about his/her unacceptable behavior so that a solution to the problem can be negotiated. I – MESSAGES allow you to: • Confront people in a positive way. • Be open, honest, and straightforward about a person’s unacceptable behavior. • Avoid putting people on the defensive. • Appeal for help in solving the problem. • Communicate ownership of the problem. I – MESSAGES communicate the problem “I FEEL . . . WHEN . . . BECAUSE . . .” FEELING WORDS YOU – MESSAGES YOU MESSAGES are totally ineffective because they contain language that sounds abrasive, judgmental, condescending, or injurious to the self-esteem of the person confronted. YOU MESSAGES are never well received for several reasons: • They make people feel guilty • They can be interpreted as blame, put downs, criticism and rejections. • They communicate a lack of respect for others. • They often cause reactive or retaliatory behavior. • They damage the recipients self-esteem. • They cause resistance rather the openness to change. • They can make a person fell hurt, the resentful. • They are often perceived as punitive. You Messages contain two major obstacles that severely inhibit communication and problem solving. • People don’t like to be told what to do, or what not to do. They prefer to self- initiate change when it becomes apparent that their behavior is not productive for them. • When the finger of blame is pointed, it communicates that they should feel guilty and awful. 1. “You lazy bum! All you ever do is watch football. Now take out the trash this minute.” 2. “You kids are acting like wild animals!” 3. “You are such a slob. I will never let you do a project in the kitchen again.” FIRST STEP TO GOOD LISTENING IS TO “SHUT UP” ATTITUDE CHANGES ESSENTIAL FOR ACTIVE LISTENING • You must want to hear what the other person has to say. • You must genuinely be able to accept the other person’s feelings, no matter how different they are from your own. • You must view people separate from yourself, with alternative ways of perceiving the world. • You must trust the other person’s capacity to handle and find solutions to his/her own problems. STEP 1 – PASSIVE LISTENING • “OH, UM, UHUH” are passive listening comments. • They are short and non-judgmental. • Their only purpose is to inform the speaker that you are still listening. STEP 2 – ENCOURAGER QUESTIONS • “SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE BOTHERING YOU, WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?” • If someone is not verbally speaking but you know something is wrong, then ask a question to encourage them and reassure them it is “safe” to speak. STEP 3 – VALIDATING “THAT MUST HAVE MADE YOU FEEL VERY SAD.” “WHAT I THINK YOU MEAN TO SAY IS….”

• Acknowledges that the person’s feelings are legitimate. • Messages are not evaluated, judged or criticized. • Shows the speaker that his or her opinions are important and they can contribute to problem solving solutions. STEP 4 – PROBLEM SOLVING “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?” “WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS DONE?” “HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK OUT?”

• Help them: • Define the problem • Reflect on goals & values • Seek, weigh and select alternatives • Take responsibility for the decision Activity Listening Triads

1 Student talks 1 Student listens 1 Student evaluates listening skills of listener Possible options of what to talk about • Fabricate a story about how you got in a wreck and got a ticket. Tells feelings about the police officer, the other car, etc. • You got a new job. Tell details of the job and how you feel about it, the boss, co- workers. • You broke up with a boy friend/girl friend or husband/wife. Tell why and how you felt about it. • Tell how you feel about school, the homework, the grading, teachers, friends. • Tell how you feel about Christmas (good or bad). Some memories and traditions that you have done. Evaluation of the Listener

• Eye to eye contact & looks interested • Passive encouraging statements • Clarifies for understanding • Relevant questions • Reflects back what they said • No interruptions • Validates – never discredits their feelings • Appropriate feedback • Problem solving if necessary (only if asked for) MUTUAL AFFIRMATIONS • Mutual acceptance • Liking each other • Express liking in words and actions “If you love me show me”

• If there are more negatives than positives the relationship may suffer. Become aware and then you can unlearn doing it. POWER “What can power be based on?” • Physical strength • Rewards • Knowledge • Acceptable roles • Respect • Persuasive skills • Resources (money maker) Power (continued) • Relative love & need theory: The person gaining the most from the relationship is the most dependent. • Principal of least interest: The partner with the least interest in continuing a relationship has the most power in it. “If you don’t do it my way, I’m leaving” Power (continued) • Women’s power is rooted in their role as nurturers and kinkeepers and has low visibility but they are the core of family strength and socialization. CONFLICT • The more intimate two people are the more likely they are to have conflict. The conflict is not dangerous to the relationship, but how the conflict is handled is. If handled in a healthy way it can solidify the marriage. Anger Anger can be dealt with in four ways: • Back off, learn to compromise between closeness and distance to avoid conflict. Learn what is safe and what is not. • Suppressing it, let it simmer beneath surface. Causes resentment, and low level hostility. • Escalate into violence. • Recognize it as a symptom of something that needs to be changed. Do not vent or suppress it but find the source and eliminate it. Happily married couples:

• Summarize • Paraphrasing • Validating • Clarification Unhappily married couples: • Confront • Defensiveness • Complain • Give in Chapter 6 Vocabulary • Family rules: A families patterned or characteristic response to events, situations, or persons (passing food at the table). • Feedback: In communication, messages produce a result. • Hierarchy of Rules: Ranking of family rules. Family rules are most important, then individual rules. • Honeymoon effect: Tendency of newly married couples to overlook problems. • Meta-rules: An abstract, general, unarticulated rule at the top of the hierarchy upon which other rules are based. Vocabulary continued • Power: The ability to exert ones will, influence or control over another person or group. • Principal of least interest: The person less interested in sustaining a relationship has the greater power. • Proximity: Nearness to another in terms of both physical space and time. • Relative love and need theory: The person gaining the most from the relationship is the most dependent. • Rules: Patterned or characteristic responses. • Self disclosure: A revelation of deeply personal information about oneself to another. • Trust: Belief in reliability and integrity of another.