Develop and Use Interpersonal Skills

Develop and use interpersonal skills

Overview 3

What are interpersonal skills and why do I need them? 4 Why and how we communicate, and with whom 5

Approaches to communicating with others 8 Assertive communication 9 Active listening 15 Self-esteem 17 Questioning 18 Non-verbal communication 20 Integrating verbal and non-verbal communication 23

Summary 25

9592C: 2 Team participation skills 1 2005/117/10/2005 P0031191

2 9592C: 2 Team participation skills 2005/117/10/2005 P0031191

Overview

To be a successful communicator in a team, you need to develop and use a variety of interpersonal skills. In this section, you learn what these skills are, and how to use them.

Inside this topic  What are interpersonal skills and why do I need them?  Why and how we communicate and with whom?  Approaches to communicating with others.  Assertive communication.  Active listening.  Self esteem.  Questioning.  Non-verbal communication.  Integrating verbal and non-verbal communication.

What are interpersonal skills and why do I need them?

You use interpersonal skills to develop shared meaning when you communicate with other people on a one-to-one or group basis. The skills you use will vary according to the people’s needs and the context.

Activity 1: What are interpersonal skills?

Put a tick in the right-hand column to indicate when you need to use interpersonal skills.

Serving a customer Making a phone call Solving problems Supervising people Communicating with people know face-to-face Answering work enquiries Giving instructions to others at work Writing and answering letters and emails Speaking in a meeting Making a presentation Having a job interview

Comment

You should have ticked all of these. We use interpersonal skills in all these situations, not just in face-to-face communication. We need to decide which are the most suitable verbal and non-verbal communication skills for the audience and situation.

Why and how we communicate, and with whom To decide what are the most suitable verbal and non-verbal skills to use, we need to consider whom we are communicating with, how we are doing it and why—what is the purpose of our communication.

We communicate with many people each day, both at work and elsewhere. They may include our supervisor, co-workers, people in other departments, clients, members of the general public, canteen staff, cleaning staff, suppliers, technicians and so on.

The reasons for our communication can also be extremely varied and can include:  making decisions  gathering information  socialising  promoting or selling a product  negotiating agreements  making presentations  supervising staff  answering enquiries.

We communicate by telephone (including teleconferences), email, fax, face-to-face conversation, gestures, graphics, formal speeches and presentations using PowerPoint or similar programs. So the means by which we communicate also varies according to need, purpose and circumstance.

Activity 2: CommInc. Case study

Read the following case study.

Kim is a trainee office assistant at CommInc, a company which specialises in organising everts.

On any day he has to answer client enquiries on the telephone, take messages and pass them on, check and reply to emails, file messages on the system, send faxes, file,

9592C: 2 Team participation skills 5 2005/117/10/2005 P0031191 photocopy, sort the mail, take mail to the post office, meet with the manager, Salwa, give instructions and take instructions.

What interpersonal communication skills will Kim need to perform all these tasks?

______

Comment

The following list represents some of the interpersonal communication skills Kim would use.

Interpersonal skills  Speak clearly.  Write clearly.  Listen actively to others.  Give feedback to show he understands.  Look at the other person when listening or speaking.  Be courteous by giving the other person time to say what they want and not talking over them.  Show respect for other people’s views.  Ask questions to check he understands.  Use appropriate and honest non-verbal behaviour such as facial expressions and gestures.

All effective interpersonal communication is based on empathy towards others. You create empathy by:  taking other people’s needs and concerns seriously

 valuing their feelings and attitudes  respecting their privacy  listening actively.

Approaches to communicating with others

Effective communication is achieved when ideas and information are exchanged so that meaning is shared. To do this you need to use appropriate interpersonal skills.

Figure 1

Look at this illustration. It demonstrates three different approaches you can take to communicating with your workmates. It also shows the sorts of behaviour you can expect if you do this.

Aggressive behaviour is a way of communication when one person seeks to dominate and get their own way without respecting the rights or needs of others.

Assertive behaviour is a way of communicating where an individual expresses their own thoughts, feelings and needs honestly and directly and with respect for the thoughts, feelings and needs of the person to whom they are talking.

Submissive or passive behaviour occurs when one person accepts the opinions or behaviour of others without trying to put forward their own feelings, needs or opinions.

In most workplace situations an assertive approach is the most effective to use. By using this approach, people can build good relationships with others and create a positive, honest environment. Groups or teams can freely exchange ideas and solve problems together when they adopt assertive communication

Assertive communication Assertive people use verbal and non-verbal communication appropriate to the situation. They become skilled in interpersonal strategies such as listening and speaking, and they are more able to ensure the communication achieves its purpose—communication in the workplace, at home and in community settings.

Interpersonal skills are essential for:  establishing positive working relationships and personal friendship  gathering all necessary information to perform a task  anticipating and meeting the needs of others  creating rules and common ways of behaving  working out how people feel about working together  solving problems and resolving conflict.

Activity 3: Interpersonal behaviour

Think about your interpersonal behaviour OR think about the interpersonal behaviour of a workmate or supervisor.

Look through the list of behaviours below and tick which ones you have experienced in the workplace or you have used.

Passive or submissive behaviour Tick all that characteristics apply

Avoiding eye contact Speaking very quietly Appearing nervous Expressing ideas as questions Blaming themselves Guessing what they want Speaking in negative terms Moving their body a lot Avoiding conflict Characteristics of aggressive behaviour Tick all that apply

Glaring Speaking loudly or shouting Becoming angry Not listening to others Accusing others Bullying to get what they want Speaking in absolute terms like ‘never’ or ‘always’ Invading others’ personal space Inviting conflict Characteristics of assertive behaviour Tick all that apply

Using direct eye contact Speaking clearly Remaining calm Expressing ideas as statements Listening to others Showing respect for others Stating what they want Speaking in positive terms Respecting others’ personal space Resolving conflict

Comment

In most situations assertive behaviours are usually the most appropriate. However, we all use a range of interpersonal behaviours. We need to practise so that we learn appropriate assertive behaviour. Ask yourself why you are not always assertive. Think about what strategies you can adopt to make your behaviour more assertive.

Sometimes people may adopt what is called passive aggressive behaviour. When this behaviour is used it appears that the person is actually agreeing and being co-operative and passive but really they feel hostile and do not co-operate. This is dishonest communication. The receiver has not let the sender know they don’t agree. The sender of the message thinks the person agrees and will act according to what they think has been agreed on. No shared understanding has developed and breakdown in communication will occur.

Speaking assertively—’I’ statements

An important part of successful communication is speaking effectively. Assertive communicators are willing to put forward their ideas without overriding others.

‘I’ statements are a useful assertiveness tool. They allow you to express how you feel about a situation without blaming or attacking the other person.

There are three components. 1 Say how you feel (‘I feel really frustrated’) – a simple clear statement. 2 Describe the situation (‘When I come in and find the place a mess’) – no blaming. 3 State what you would like to happen (‘…and I would like the stationery cupboard to be left clean and tidy.’) without placing expectations on other people.

Activity 4: Using ‘I’ statements in assertive communication

Write assertive ‘I’ statements for the following situations.

1 You’re annoyed because your boss asks you to work back late more often than he asks anyone else and he does so at very short notice.

I feel______

______

2 You’re angry because co-workers have been making racist jokes that you find offensive.

I feel______

______

3 You’re getting more and more uncomfortable with the way your work supervisor looks at you and seems to find occasions to touch you.

I feel______

______

Comment

For example, in the situations outlined above, you might use an ‘I’ statement like the following: 1 I feel upset when I am often asked at short notice to work back late. What I would like is that at least one day’s notice is given and that all staff take a turn in working back. 2 I feel offended when racist jokes are repeated and what I’d like is that jokes which put down any particular group are not repeated in this workplace. 3 I feel uncomfortable when people at work look at my body and touch me unnecessarily. What I would like is for all personal interaction to be kept at a professional level.

You may not find ‘I-statements’ appropriate for all situations, however the advantages of the three part ‘I’ statement include the following:

 You succinctly state how you feel and why. The other person may not know this information before you say it.  On many occasions, actually stating how you feel and why helps calm you, so you can discuss the situation more logically. Using the three part ‘I’ statement can often ‘take the heat out’ of an actual or potential conflict.  You tell the other person what you would like to happen. This gives both parties something concrete to negotiate about and moves the situation forward.

Characteristics of assertive speakers

Assertive speakers  Use a clear, strong voice  Speak calmly  Choose the appropriate tone of voice  Speak in positive terms  Avoid yelling, swearing and sarcasm  Use words that all members of the team can understand  Speak at an appropriate pace and volume  Allow time for other team members to speak and/or ask questions  Answer questions objectively

The following ‘Assertive Bill of Rights’ sets out the rights we all have – irrespective of our gender, age, race or beliefs. Think about how you could apply these rights in your work and personal life. Pay particular attention to the last statement.

Active listening Listening is an essential skill for successful communication. Active listening involves participating in the listening process: hearing, identifying the speaker’s intentions and working to achieve understanding.

Active listening is effective listening. It is more than just hearing the message. It is understanding the meaning and feelings behind the words. To be an active listener, you need to do something.

Active listening uses three main skills: 1 Attending: showing physical attention, using eye contact, open posture and not interrupting the speaker 2 Following: using conversation openers, inviting disclosures, asking few questions 3 Reflecting: paraphrasing, clarifying, reflecting feelings and meanings, summarizing

Active listening contributes to the exchange of information. This improves as people are more confident about sharing all relevant information when people demonstrate their willingness to listen.

Relationships are also are improved when people feel their message receives attention. Individuals and members of teams develop positive attitudes and respect for each other.

Active listening contributes to effective communication by:  sharing information  clarifying what others want  understanding how others feel  building rapport  helping to support one another  giving team members the chance to have their say  maintaining personal relationships  enabling feedback.

Activity 5: Communicating and supporting team members

People need to communicate and support each other in a variety of ways. Read about Anna’s meeting at CommInc.

Anna was late for her morning team meeting. She appeared upset and distracted during the meeting and later apologised to her manager: ‘I’m so sorry to be late today. Things are just getting so difficult at home and at work. I’m feeling really frustrated about everything. I’m not sure if I should continue, but I don’t know what to do.’

Which of the following responses would you make? 1 ‘That’s okay, don’t worry about it. I was late to the last team meeting.’ 2 ‘Maybe you should leave if you think you can’t go on. I’m sure the others will cope without you.’ 3 ‘You seem to be really worried about things, Anna. Would you like to have a cup of coffee and talk about it?’ 4 ‘Gee it sounds like you really need to talk to someone. Perhaps Peri can help.’ 5 ‘I’ve got to go now, but let me know if you want to talk’.

Comment

While each of these responses acknowledges Anna’s comment, only one is a good active listening response. Read why… 1 Incorrect. This response only addresses the problem of being late to the meeting, it doesn’t acknowledge Anna’s other problems or reflect her feelings of frustration. 2 Incorrect. This response appears to be reassuring, but it doesn’t satisfy Anna’s need to talk about her problems further. 3 Correct! This response reflects back Anna’s feelings and gives her the opportunity to talk more about her problems. 4 Incorrect. This response passes the responsibility of listening to Anna to a third party. She has chosen to speak to you and may not be willing to talk to someone else. 5 Incorrect. This response is too casual. It doesn’t show Anna that you are concerned about her feelings.

Self-esteem What is self-esteem? It is the amount of respect people have for themselves. It is an indicator of how a person will behave in a number of situations, and thus gives a message to others about what to expect in a relationship.

Self-esteem gives a message to others about how much a person values their self, and what they expect in terms of respect and fairness. People with high self-esteem are likely to be assertive, standing up for their rights while respecting the rights of others.

Activity 6: Self-esteem

Are these statements true or false? Tick the box.

1 Communicating with people of low self-esteem is the same as communicating with people of high self-esteem. True  False 

2 If a supervisor were reprimanding staff for not filling out leave forms correctly, staff with high self-esteem would receive the same message from the supervisor as staff with low self-esteem. True  False 

3 One of the characteristics of having low self-esteem is not being in touch with your feelings. True  False 

4 People who constantly attack others in a negative way have low self-esteem. True  False 

Comment 1 False. People with low self-esteem can be hard to communicate with because they often don’t communicate honestly. You don’t know where you stand with them. 2 False. People with low self-esteem will take the blame even if they are in the right. 3 True. People with low self-esteem don’t feel they have the right to express their emotions.

4 True. People with low self-esteem often criticise others in an effort to make themselves feel equal or superior to others.

Questioning Effective questioning techniques are extremely important communication skills. An effective communicator will use different types of questions to suit the situation and purpose.

In any situation, you need to think about what type of question will be suitable for:  the communication situation  the relationship between the sender and receiver  their cultural values  the attitudes of the people involved.

So you need to think about how you will express the question, not just what the question is about.

Questioning brings together the important skills of speaking and listening. Questions can help develop active listening or with gaining clearer information.

So you need to think about how you will express the question, not just what the question is about. There are three main questioning techniques.

Technique Definition

Closed Usually elicits a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. It is used to gain specific question information, confirm details or to refocus on the issue. Open Usually elicits a longer answer. It is used to encourage a detailed answer question and promote conversation Probing May help you to obtain specific information. They often follow closed question questions.

Activity 7: Questioning techniques

These are examples of the three questioning techniques. Select whether they are open, closed or probing.

1 Why was this decision made? Open  Closed  Probing 

2 What area are you calling from? Open  Closed  Probing 

3 How do you plan to handle that? Open  Closed  Probing 

4 Who else do we need to consult? Open  Closed  Probing 

5 Do you want to change any details? Open  Closed  Probing 

6 What are the major problems you had? Open  Closed  Probing 

Comment

The correct answers are: 1 open 2 closed 3 open 4 probing 5 closed 6 probing

Other question types 1 Leading—you might have heard of this in court cases; it means to lead the person to the answer (eg ‘Were you able to handle conflict over the last work roster?’). 2 Hypothetical—here you are questioning someone about a scenario that hasn’t happened (eg ‘Are you saying that you think that the new work roster will cause a lot of fights?’). 3 Reflective—you mirror or reflect what the person has said in your own words (eg ‘Are you saying that you think our new work roster needs more detail?).

Non-verbal communication When you are face to face with someone, you pick up a lot of information from his or her non-verbal cues and from the environment. Not all messages are communicated verbally. What you see and how the words sound are at least as important as the words themselves, and often more important. This is known as non-verbal communication.

Non-verbal communication refers to all the interpersonal skills you use when communicating, other than the words.

If you aren’t aware of the importance and implications of using non-verbal communication, breakdowns in communication can occur.

People can misinterpret our non-verbal signals. Non-verbal cues can mean different things to different people.

Non-verbal communication includes:  Body language, such as eye contact, facial expressions, postures, gestures, how far we stand from people and touching  Voice characteristics, also known as paralanguage, which include factors such as tone, pitch/intonation, expression, volume, speed, emphasis/stress.

Non-verbal communication also includes information that is communicated through:  spatial arrangement—for example, the way the furniture or equipment is arranged  design and décor—for example, the style of furniture, the use of colour  dress and grooming—this includes cleanliness, perfume, make up, uniforms, tattoos or jewellery  signs or symbols—such as company logos

 timing—such as the time of the day communication takes place, whether you (and the person you are meeting) are early or late and so on.

Take care with gestures

Not only must you choose the words which suit your audience and context, or reason for speaking, but you must also think about the gestures you use. Gestures can vary in meaning from one age group to another, and from one culture to another

Culture dictates how we will use or decipher much of our non-verbal communication. Culture determines even how close people will stand to each other. Culture especially determines what many gestures mean.

Here are some examples.  In some parts of the world putting your hands on your hips is rude.  Thumbs up is rude in Iran and for older Australians, but means good luck in USA, Britain and for young Australians and New Zealanders.  In China, pointing and beckoning is rude as it is used only with animals. To beckon, reach out, palm down, fingers together and flutter your fingers.  In Japan, a smile can mean happiness, anger, embarrassment or sadness.  In Korea it is impolite to blow your nose in public.  In Sri Lanka and parts of India, moving your head from side to side means yes and nodding your head up and down means no.  In Thailand, people point to an object with their chins, not their hands.

How you speak affects what you say

How you speak also affects how effective your message may be. 1 How fast you speak: if people speak too fast others, especially the old or those from other cultures, may have trouble keeping up. Speaking too slowly can be boring for the listener who will just tune out. If you know anyone who is hard of hearing, they will tell you how difficult it is to listen to anyone speaking quickly. 2 The volume and energy you use in your speech: it is good to sound enthusiastic, but it may sound insincere and too forceful. Being too loud can sound aggressive. Again, some cultures or people with disabilities could be offended. Have you noticed how some people speak loudly to blind people? 3 Your tone of voice: a positive tone means sounding interesting and interested. Try putting a smile on your face as you speak.

When you are looking at other people’s non-verbal communication, don’t jump to conclusions. Verbal and non-verbal signals should always be interpreted in clusters, within the context of the situation.

Verbal and nonverbal messages should reinforce one another to give a consistent and clear message. Mixed messages interrupt the building of shared understanding and lead to a breakdown of communication.

An example of a mixed message is where a person is given praise for their work, but the person giving the praise doesn’t smile or use a warm tone of voice.

Activity 8: Non-verbal messages

Think about the non-verbal messages you communicate at work, socially or in your community. Fill in the chart following.

Aspect of non-verbal The message I communicate communication

My appearance, that is, style, formality of dress, accessories, hairdressing and so on.

Body language I use.

Arrangement of furniture, workspace, tidiness of workspace.

Where my workspace is in relation to others?

Other aspects?

Comment

These are just suggestions to give you an idea of possible responses.

Aspect of non-verbal The message I communicate communication

My appearance, that is, style, formality I dress casually but neatly. I think this gives the impression that of dress, accessories, hairdressing and so I am relaxed but also organized. I like to wear colourful on. jewellery on social occasions. This shows that I am quite creative. Body language I use I use a lot of hand gestures – this is probably part of my Italian heritage. I find that people seem to understand me easily because of this. Arrangement of furniture, workspace, My desk is against a wall. I like this as I can use the wall as a tidiness of workspace. noticeboard but I am worried that people think that I am ignoring them or I am stuck up because my back is to them. Where my workspace is in relation to We all work in close proximity to each other. I find this others? difficult at times as I am a quiet person and I get irritated by the noise. Other aspects?

Integrating verbal and non-verbal communication You need to interpret, or decode, both the verbal and non-verbal signals in any communication to understand a message. It also helps to be aware of your own patterns of communication.

If you are sensitive to all signals, it helps you to build shared understanding with other people, develop rapport and reduce conflict. Remember that people behave in different ways depending on the context, and that gestures can have more than one meaning.

Example 1

A worker is installing an air conditioner in a house. The owner follows him around as he is working. This could mean either that the client doesn’t trust the installer, or the client is lonely and enjoys having someone around.

Example 2

A person makes no eye contact when speaking to you. This could mean either that the person is unsure of themselves, or the person is from a culture where direct eye contact is disrespectful.

When difficulties occur

Difficulties can arise:  when the verbal and non-verbal signals do not seem to match  if the non-verbal signals are difficult to interpret  if the words used are unfamiliar.

We need to seek feedback and combine verbal and non-verbal cues to build shared understanding.

When signals are mismatched or difficult to interpret, effective communicators ask questions and continue to negotiate meaning. You may learn something new and valuable.

However, if one person is unable or unwilling to build clearer understanding, the other person may withdraw from the communication.

Summary

In any communication situation we use a variety of interpersonal skills. These include: listening, speaking, questioning, verbal and non-verbal communication, and assertiveness. You use your interpersonal skills to encourage people to focus on and complete tasks needing to be done. These skills are used in combination to enhance the task and group maintenance of teams.