Merchant Ivory S GODZILLA
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“Merchant Ivory’s GODZILLA”
a screenplay for a parody trailer
by
Sean Whitley
Registered WGAW 816454
NOTE – This is a work of PARODY, and has not been licensed or endorsed by Merchant Ivory or Toho Studios.
Sean Whitley 1506 Pecan Court Allen, TX 75002 [email protected] (214)-495-9054 1.
FADE IN:
TITLE CARD
As stirring, classical music SOARS, we see the titles “From the makers of ‘A Room With a View…’”
EXT. LONDON STREETS – DAY
EMILY HUNTSLEY, twenty, a well-to-do and proper young Englishwoman, runs happily in SLOW-MOTION through the streets of Victorian London. A flock of pigeons scatter in front of her, and then dramatically fly away.
TITLE CARD
“In a repressed age, she dared to love an outsider…”
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT
RICH SOCIETY TYPES twirl and dance at a lavish ball. Sitting amongst other SOCIETY GIRLS waiting to be asked to dance, Emily talks to her peers.
EMILY He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met.
SOCIETY GIRL But Emily, he’s not one of us.
EMILY I don’t care…
INT. BALLROOM - LATER – NIGHT
Emily dances with SOMEONE we can’t see. All we can see are scaly, green arms holding hers.
(CONTINUED) 2.
CONTINUED:
EMILY (V.O.) …when I’m with him, I feel alive.
Across the room, Emily’s parents, LORD AND LADY HUNTSLEY, fiftyish and stern, frown upon their daughter and her unknown dance partner.
TITLE CARD
“She risked the approval of her family…”
EXT. HUNTSLEY MANOR – NIGHT
Lights burn brightly inside the manor on a large, sprawling estate.
LORD HUNTSLEY (V.O.) No daughter of mine will ever be seen with such riff-raff!
INT. HUNTSLEY MANOR - NIGHT
Emily sobs in front of Lord and Lady Huntsley.
EMILY But I love him!
LORD HUNTSLEY You LOVE…a monster?!!
TITLE CARD
“…for the love of someone who could set London on fire.” 3. EXT. VICTORIAN LONDON - DAY
Beauty shots of Victorian London: Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, the River Thames. Well-dressed LONDONERS, and even a few Dickensian URCHINS, go about their business.
Suddenly, the water in the Thames begins to boil. Londoners, including a WALRUS-MUSTACHED MAN, notice the commotion.
WALRUS-MUSTACHED MAN By Jove! What the devil is that?
Something RISES from the water.
TITLE CARD
“Merchant Ivory proudly presents…”
EXT. VICTORIAN LONDON – DAY
The Londoners gasp as we PAN UP what they’re looking at:
GODZILLA! In this case, Godzilla is a human-sized monster, but still shocking to these cultured Brits.
TITLE CARD
“…Godzilla.”
EXT. VICTORIAN LONDON – DAY
Godzilla announces his presence to the Londoners by roaring.
TITLE CARD
“A forbidden romance…” 4. EXT. LONDON STREETS-NIGHT
Emily and Godzilla walk hand-in-hand.
EMILY You’re the only person I’ve ever been able to truly talk to.
Godzilla GRUNTS in acknowledgement.
TITLE CARD
“A jealous suitor…”
INT. DINING HALL - NIGHT
SOCIETY TYPES fill the large hall. At the center is NIGEL, a blueblood creep, and Emily’s former fiancée.
Emily and Godzilla enter. Everyone in the room eyes the couple. Emily notices the staring eyes, but tightens her grip on Godzilla’s hand. Together, they walk over to Nigel.
NIGEL Emily, my darling, I see that you’ve been busy since calling off our engagement. Doing charity work with the less fortunate, I see.
The Society Types burst into laughter and point at Emily and Godzilla. Emily can’t take it. She bolts away. Godzilla sneers at Nigel before running after her.
EXT. LONDON STREETS-NIGHT
Godzilla catches up with the sobbing Emily.
(CONTINUED) 5.
CONTINUED:
EMILY (crying) We’re from two different worlds, you and I. We can never see each other again. Goodbye, my love.
Emily kisses Godzilla on the snout and then dashes away, leaving him standing forlorn in the street. He whimpers softly.
TITLE CARD
“A tutor of the finer things in life…”
EXT. PROFESSOR CADBURY’S SCHOOL OF GENTLEMANLY MANNERS-DAY
The sign on the door says it all.
PROFESSOR CADBURY (V.O.) If you want to win this young lady’s heart, my dear boy…
INT. PROFESSOR CADBURY’S SCHOOL OF GENTLEMANLY MANNERS-DAY
Godzilla listens to PROFESSOR CADBURY, a “My Fair Lady”ish teacher in his fifties.
PROFESOR CADBURY …you must learn how to act and carry yourself as a proper gentleman.
(CONTINUED) 6.
CONTINUED:
MONTAGE:
(1) Surrounded by tuxedos, ties, and top hats, Cadbury teaches Godzilla how to dress.
(2) Cadbury helps Godzilla put on a tuxedo. The fins on Godzilla’s back RIP through the expensive fabric, causing Cadbury to raise his eyebrows.
(3) Taking Godzilla’s hands into his own, Cadbury teaches Godzilla how to dance.
(4) Godzilla bows like a proper gentleman in front of Cadbury.
(5) With a pointer, Cadbury points to a chalkboard.
PROFESSOR CADBURY (singing) And where does it rain on that plain?
Godzilla bellows two unintelligible growls.
PROFESSOR CADBURY That’s right! In Spain! In Spain!
TITLE CARD
“He dared all for her love…”
INT. HUNTSLEY MANOR – NIGHT
A large party is being held. Lord and Lady Huntsley stand near the door to greet guests. Off to the side, Nigel holds the hand of a sad-looking Emily.
(CONTINUED) 7.
CONTINUED:
A well-dressed BUTLER announces guests as they arrive.
BUTLER I present to you… Lord and Lady Doyle.
A couple, the DOYLES, enter and are greeted. Emily sadly looks away.
BUTLER Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you…Godzilla of Monster Island.
Everyone GASPS, with the exception of Emily, who looks up to see:
Godzilla, resplendent in tux, tails, and top hat. He walks over to Emily, removes his hat, bows in the traditional manner, and kisses her hand. Emily cries tears of happiness.
INT. HUNTSLEY BALLROOM - NIGHT
Godzilla and Emily happily dance in SLOW-MOTION. Beautiful music SOARS in the background.
An angry Nigel can take no more. He downs a drink, throws the glass over his shoulder, and storms over to Godzilla and Emily. He rudely pushes them apart and stares down Godzilla.
NIGEL I challenge you to a duel at dawn! Choose whatever weapon you wish! I choose my father’s pistol!
Godzilla narrows his eyes at Nigel and seems to smile. 8. EXT. HUNTSLEY MANOR - DAWN
Godzilla and Nigel are lined up back to back. They pace away from each other. Nigel holds his pistol aloft, but Godzilla appears to be unarmed.
Emily, the Huntsleys, and their guests all watch nervously.
Godzilla and Nigel reach eight paces…nine paces…ten paces…
LORD HUNTSLEY Draw!
Godzilla and Nigel quickly pivot and face each other. As Nigel lowers his pistol into a firing stance, RADIOACTIVE FLAME SHOOTS from Godzilla’s mouth. It hits Nigel in the head and sets him on fire.
Nigel falls, Emily runs over to Godzilla and embraces him, and the formally snobby guests erupt in applause. They ignore Nigel, now on fire and screaming for help.
TITLE CARD(S)
(1) “I haven’t cried so hard in a movie since ‘Battlefield Earth’” – Pauline Kael
(2) “I hope Merchant Ivory keeps making movies like ‘Godzilla.’ It gives me something to do other than shoplift at Tower Records” – Rex Reed
(3) “The Best Romantic Japanese Monster Movie of the year!” – Gene Shalit
(4) “Thumbs Up!” – Gene Siskel “Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t I dead?”
EXT. WEDDING CHAPEL – DAY
Godzilla and Emily, both dressed in wedding attire, walk out of the chapel surrounded by FRIENDS and GUESTS. 9. TITLE CARD
“Merchant Ivory’s ‘Godzilla’…see it today with someone you love.”
We HEAR Godzilla’s distinctive roar and then we:
FADE OUT