Listening to Your Partner Is Bound to Bring up Your Own Issues Surrounding Losses of All Kinds

The Companion as Active Listener Based on “The Power of Focusing” by Ann Weiser Cornell, Ph.D.

The Second Part – Listening:

Your second task is to simply listen.

You may find that listening—skillful listening—is difficult and perhaps awkward. If you’re like most, listening without giving advice will be a new experience. We’re used to listening to friends’ problems and then offering suggestions. After all, we’re supposed to be helpful. We feel we ought to get involved and take on part of our friend’s burden. There are times when this is appropriate. For example, my friend may be looking for a good auto mechanic.

But being a Companion in grief does not require an attitude of “fixer.” You’ll only get in the way of the grief process, and you’ll wear yourself out, too, as you take on the burden of responsibility. It’s much more helpful to sit relaxed and remember that the person who is grieving is responsible for the outcome and for her own life. You are the Companion. Your job is to be present in the moment and listen. That’s all. And that’s a lot.

How often do we just listen, without also thinking, analyzing, judging, or planning what we’re going to say in response? You may discover that you’re out of practice as a listener. If so, you’ll almost certainly find that listening will be very rewarding to you. It clears your mind and opens your heart. And, as Mark Brady, Ph.D. and Jennifer Austin Leigh, Ph.D. in A Little Book of Listening Skills say: “…skillful listeners learn rich and precious things about other human beings, and in the process, about themselves.”

Listening is respectful—of your partner’s feelings, thoughts and person. Active, empathic listening is listening in such a way that your partner knows you are listening. How so? Because she feels heard, understood and respected. It is an uplifting and validating experience.

Reflecting Back Skillful listening may require occasionally saying or reflecting back some of what your partner is saying. You can reflect back an exact phrase: “you are feeling sad” or the gist of what you heard: “What I hear you saying is you miss him and are feeling lonely” or “Are you saying that...?” You are reflecting the essence of the words and feelings that you are hearing. If you are not accurate, she will restate or correct what she has said. If you are accurate, she will confirm that for you and herself. Either way, she feels you have listened and heard her—that you are with her.

5/7/18 1:48 上午 039118a38a88c61cb596333406f85bdd.doc 1 of 3 You won’t need to reflect back often—it can be over-done. Trust your presence and intuition to let you know when to do so.

Listen for and “reflect back” to your partner the feelings, emotions and thoughts you hear. Feelings can include body words like “tight,” “heavy,” “jumpy,” and emotion words like “scared,” “mad,” or “joyful.” You can say back the words by themselves or put them in short sentences like, “You’re (feeling) scared,” or “Your stomach feels tight.”

Partner Speaks: I’m scared because I don’t know whether I’m going to be able to focus on my work and I might lose my job.

Grief Companion®: You’re feeling scared about being able to focus on your work.

Partner Speaks: Yeah, because then I could lose my job.

Grief Companion: You’re losing your job would be scary for you.

This will feel a bit strange at first. You may be concerned that you are sounding like a parrot. Don’t worry. In the workshop training (Phase 2) we will role-play conversations so that you’ll have time to practice. When it comes your turn to be heard, you’ll find it feels wonderful to have someone acknowledge your feelings by repeating your words. You will also find that having your feelings heard and acknowledged allows you the luxury to further explore them in this safe environment.

As you listen to your partner and stay present to your self, you may be aware of feelings or images that are not from your logical mind. Some call it a “gut instinct” or intuition. There may be a time when it feels right to share this with your partner, with the attitude that it may or may not fit for her. Your partner will know if it fits or not, and by her reaction, so will you.

Self Disclosure Listening to your partner may bring up thoughts and feelings surrounding your own losses. Do your best to set these aside, saving them for a time when you can do your own processing. There will also be some times, however, when your relationship with your partner and her work will be enhanced if you share your personal reactions or experiences. This is called “self-disclosure” and is covered in the next article. In either situation, it is very important to first be aware of what you are feeling.

Silence “Silence is Golden” the saying goes, and for good reason. Much is happening within the silence. As a listener, you can’t know what that is unless and until

5/7/18 1:48 上午 039118a38a88c61cb596333406f85bdd.doc 2 of 3 she speaks it. Honor the silence—let it be. (A deep breath or two may help you to be at ease.) If it continues for a long while, you might ask “What are you thinking?” or “What’s going on for you?”

Grieving as Life Process for Both Partners and Companions Grief is not separate from life. It is a part of life that, when applied as a process, can help us move forward toward being more fully alive. Sometimes we have to live with a new way of being for a while before we can take action. Sometimes we have to live with a single action for a while before we can press on. It’s important to be accepting, patient and gentle with both our partners and ourselves.

Ideal grief companionship depends on your being present as a human being. Your own style and temperament will determine what you express to your partner and how you go about it. Your presence as a real person will enhance the value of your partner’s grief process. You are the gift you bring. If you make certain to attend to your own process, you will extend the gift of gentle and accepting presence to yourself as well.

Reflections: (Please write your responses in the space following each question.) These are designed to help you relate the material to your own grief work and how it might affect you as a Companion.

As with the previous exercise with a willing partner, experiment with reflecting back (from the attitude of being present) feelings and emotions to your partner as s/he talks. Self disclose when appropriate. (Again, it is recommended that you ask and receive agreement to do this exercise with someone close to you, such as a family member or friend.)

You may want to spend a few minutes prior to the conversation calming or “centering” yourself.

When completed, write a paragraph about your experience. Possible questions to consider: What was the experience like for you? How was it different from just listening, as in the previous exercise? What did you notice seemed different for the speaker than might normally have been?

When you are finished, SAVE this file and attach it to an email message to the Grief Companion Coordinator – Merry Smith – [email protected].

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