Advice on Managing Death and Bereavement

LONDON DIOCESAN BOARD FOR SCHOOLS

MANAGING DEATH AND BEREAVEMENT- ADVICE FOR SCHOOLS

Schools should have a plan in place so that everyone knows what to do in the event of a death of a pupil, member of staff/school community or a child’s relative. This is particularly important in the event of a sudden death. Some schools have included such planning in their Critical Incident Plan.

Training is important for all school staff, particularly if adults are to talk with recently bereaved children/students. Great emotional damage can be caused by people who are not aware of the pitfalls and sensitivities. A number of organisations, e.g. Cruse, offer proven training programmes. Teachers are not social workers or counsellors unless professionally qualified.

Training would, for example, address the varying needs of bereaved children at different ages and stages of development. School staff need to know the possible reactions of bereaved pupils.

Schools need information and advice on the various death traditions and customs of faiths other than Christian. Inadvertent insensitivity or ignorance can cause great offence and add to a family’s grief (Some SACREs have issued valuable advice).

In all classes there should always be age appropriate books about death, so that children begin to know and understand the vocabulary of death (Appendix 1).

Having words to express what they see and hear around them, when and if the time comes, will help them to articulate their fears and distress.

Learning about dying and death should be an ordinary part of the curriculum. Having in the classroom pots of plants that live and die is a way of beginning to talk about the life cycle. Things to do on hearing of a death of a child or close relative

1. The Head briefs the classteacher. The teacher may wish to talk to someone more experienced e.g. the educational psychology service, the parish priest, Winston’s Wish (tel: 0845 2030 405) who specialise in giving advice (Appendix 2).

2. All school staff are briefed.

3. The classteacher is released from class so that she can meet with the child and talk privately. Ways to start might be: ‘I am really sorry to hear what happened to your………. . Would you like to tell me about it?’

4. The child is asked about how she would like the rest of the class informed. Talk about telling them together.

5. Teacher and child tell the class.

6. The Head should visit each class individually and talk to them.

7. The Head writes a letter to all parents of that class and offers support and advice.

8. Informative letter to all other parents at the school (Appendix 3).

9. Letter to the bereaved family (Appendix 4).

Follow up

1. Find out what the arrangements are for the funeral. Do the family want the school involved in any way?

2. Organise cover for the teacher and TA if appropriate.

3. Would the family like other parents to be informed of the arrangements? Are children encouraged to be at the funeral?

4. Will the parish priest plan a service / assembly for the school community?

5. If it is one of your pupils that has died suggest a memorial service to be held in a few weeks time.

6. Talk to the children about a way to remember. Ideas like a bench, a tree, a water feature or similar can be a very powerful symbol. What children may know and understand about death

Foundation Stage and KS1

1. Can remember the person that has died and hold their image inside their head.

2. The centre of their world is their family.

3. See everything in relation to themselves, trying to bargain to bring back to the person who has gone (e.g. ‘If I do/don’t do this – will ….come back’).

4. Wants facts – e.g. ‘Where have they gone?’ The facts must be straightforward i.e. died – no euphemisms

5. Not really understanding what ‘gone’ means – e.g. ‘Will they come back?’ Needs to be shown the difference between dead and alive – e.g. plants.

6. Confuses magic with reality – e.g. fly up to heaven and get someone back.

7. Expresses themselves through play – need to extend their vocabulary and create play opportunities.

8. Does not understand why other people are upset – e.g. adults crying.

9. Body-centred reactions – e.g. incontinence, tantrums. May also have nightmares.

10. Finds separation more difficult, may not want to go to school. Needs a very secure routine.

KS2 Some of the issues for younger children may still apply.

1. Will understand about bodies, death, funerals, coffins etc.

2. Will be able to discuss how they feel, but may also be better at hiding their feelings.

3. Will know that death is not reversible.

4. May ask difficult questions – e.g. ‘Why did this happen?’

5. May suddenly be trying to act like a grown up.

6. Less likely to use play to work things through.

7. More aware of other peoples feelings and yet may find it difficult to express their own.

8. Lots of things become worrying (e.g. dark, monsters) and they may have tantrums or wet the bed.

9. May start to draw comparisons between ‘before’ and ‘after’ especially if they have become ‘carers’.

10. Can use metaphor to explain how they feel.

11. Friends, school and teachers increasingly important. 12. May try to escape the pain, and have strong reactions – e.g. illness, bullying, school refusal

13. May feel vulnerable and anxious, need routines and a sense of normality.

14. Needs time to discuss how they feel and not be laughed at or dismissed.

KS3 Some or all the previous issues may still apply.

1. Teenagers coping with physical changes as well, boys and girls may react very differently.

2. Greater sense of finality and of being alone.

3. Friends and school may be more important than family.

4. Finding time and space to grieve may be very difficult – e.g. friends may not want to talk about it.

5. Their reactions may range and change quickly from not wanting to talk about it to being over protective and fussy.

6. Need privacy and encouragement to share their thoughts.

7. Need creative outlets to express feelings.

8. Need security but may start testing boundaries.

KS4 + Many issues carried over from previous descriptions.

1. May be confused – on an emotional rollercoaster.

2. Not sure whether to react as a child or an adult.

3. More egocentric again.

4. On the surface may seem to be ‘getting on’ with things but could be hiding a lot that they didn’t want to face up to.

5. Not yet got the emotional intelligence of maturity so may react in unusual ways.

6. May not be able to find time or place to greave.

7. Friends and school very important, could reject their family because it is too painful, or reject the outside world because it is too risky.

8. Looking for meaning – e.g. Why are we here? What’s the point?

9. Could find talking and trusting adults even more difficult.

10. Need to begin to develop resilience in order to face the future. Appendix 1 – Resource List

Children’s Resources: Title Author Publisher ISBN A Taste of Blackberries Doris Buchanan Puffin 0 1403 2020 2 Smith All we know about Heaven Peter Crowther Barrington Stoke 1 8429 9032 2 Bridge to Terabithia Katherine Puffin 1 1403 1260 9 Paterson Butterfly Summer Christine Wood Lutterworth Press 0 7188 2754 6 The Day Grandma Died Jan Selby Benjamin Books 0 7151 0318 0 Dogger Shirley Hughes Lion 0 0066 1464 7 Emma Says Goodbuy Carolyn Nystrom Lion 0 7459 1608 2 Emma’s Cat Dies Nigel Snell Hamish Hamilton 0 2411 1297 4 Fred Posy Simmonds Puffin 0 1405 0965 8 Frog and the Birdsong Max Velthuiys Red Fox 0 0888 1780 2 Goodbye Max Holly Keller Walker Books 0 7445 1455 X Grandad’s Bench Addy Farmer Walker Books 1 4063 1139 6 Grandpa’s Slide Show Deborah Gould Puffin 0 1405 0871 6 Granpa John Burningham Puffin 0 1405 0841 4 Gran’s Grave Wendy Green Lion 0 7459 1556 6 I feel sad Brian Moses Wayland 0 7502 1406 6 I remember Miss Perry Pat Brisson Dial books 0 8037 2981 2 I’ll always love you Hans Wilhem Knight Books 0 3404 0153 2 Life’s End Denise Chaplin & Wayland 0 7502 2803 2 Lynne Broadbent The Lonely Tree Nicholas Halliday Halliday Books 0 5939 4598 6 Love you forever Robert Munsch Beaver Books 0 0997 1330 6 Mama’s going to buy you a Jean Little Puffin 0 1403 3173 7 Mockingbird On Eagle’s Wings Sue Mayfield Lion 0 7459 4890 1 Patterns in the Sand Sue Mayfield Lion 0 7459 4891 X Remembering Mum Ginny Perkins & A&C Black 0 7136 3381 6 Leon Morris Sam’s Story Fiona Chin-Yee Bedford Square Press Scrumpy Elizabeth Dale Anderson Press 0 8626 4703 7 Vicky Angel Jacqueline Wilson Books at 0 4408 6415 1 Transworld Water Bugs and Doris Stickney Mowbray 0 2646 6904 5 Dragonflies When Mum Died Hillins & Sireling 1 8518 3020 0 When Uncle Bob Died Althea Dinosaur 0 8512 2727 9 Publications Will my Rabbit go to Jeremy Hughes Lion 0 7459 1221 4 Heaven? Teacher’s Resources: Title Author Publisher ISBN Children and Bereavement Wendy Duffy National Society 0 7151 4846 X Grief and Bereavement – Ann Couldrick Sobell 0 9517 5371 1 Understanding Children Publications Grief encounter: a Shelley Gilbert Grief Encounter 0 9548 4340 3 workbook to encourage Project conversations about death between children and adults Living with Grief in School: Ann Chadwick Family Reading 1 8985 3801 8 Guidance for Primary Centre School teachers and Staff When Children Grieve Alfred Torrie Cruse Publications When Parents Die Rebecca Abrams Routledge 0 4152 0066 0 Healing Grief Barbara Ward Vermillion 0 0917 7839 5 Saying Goodbye to Greg – Christine Collins 0 0067 5469 4 Understanding Chapman Bereavement Then, Now and Always: Julie A Stokes Winston’s Wish 0 9539 1235 3 Supporting children as they journey through Grief: A Guide for Practitioners Good Grief 1: Talking about Barbara Ward & White Crescent 0 9512 8880 6 and Learning about Loss Jamie Houghton Press and Death Good Grief 2: Exploring Barbara Ward White Crescent 0 9512 8882 2 Feelings, Loss and Death and Associates Press with Under 11's Supporting Bereaved Diane MacBraidy Serco Education Children – A Handbook Bradford Children at Funerals Ruth Burgess Wild Goose PDF Publications / download Iona Books Resources for when Ruth Burgess Wild Goose PDF children have died Publications / download Iona Books Appendix 2 – Organisations and Websites dealing with Bereavements

 Winston’s Wish – www.winstonswish.org.uk - Freephone helpline: 08088 020 021 for guidance and information for families of bereaved children and professionals supporting bereaved children.

 Cruse Bereavement Care – https://www.cruse.org.uk/ – Cruse provides counselling and support and offers information, advice, education and training services. It aims to promote the well-being of bereaved people and to enable them to understand their grief and cope with their loss. Freephone helpline 0808 808 1677; email: [email protected]

 The Child Bereavement Charity - www.childbereavement.org.uk – National UK charity providing specialised training and support for professionals to help them respond to the needs of bereaved families. Support and Information line: 0800 02 888 40

 The Compassionate Friends (UK) - www.tcf.org.uk – A charity offering advice and support for families who have lost a child. Helpline number 0345 123 23 04 (open 10am to 4pm & 7.00pm to 10.00pm); email [email protected]

 St Christopher’s Hospice – www.stchristophers.org.uk – A charity providing professional care and supporting the emotional, spiritual and social needs of their patients, their families, children, friends and carers. Telephone: 020 8768 4500.

 Helen & Douglas House: Hospice Care for Children and Young Adults – www.helenanddouglas.org.uk – A registered charity providing professional care, practical support and friendship for children and young people with life-shortening conditions, as well as support for their families. Telephone: 01865 794749 (office hours only, 9am-5pm Monday to Friday)

 National Children’s Bureau – www.ncb.org.uk – not specifically related to death and bereavement but offers information, resources and links about children and young people and their growth and development.

 Sudden- http://www.suddendeath.org/ - charity offering support following a sudden death

Appendix 3: Letter to all parents at the school

Dear Parents

You will be sorry to hear that this morning we heard that……….has died yesterday / over the weekend.

We felt that it was right to tell the children rather than they hear through rumours. The teachers have tried, and will continue, to be available to answer the children’s questions. We know this can be a difficult subject to discuss with children and if we can be of any help do please contact us.

I have written on behalf of the school to……… expressing the sadness of the whole school community over their loss.

Appendix 4 – Letter to the bereaved family

Dear……..

Thank you for letting us know your sad news this morning.

………….has had time to talk with her teacher today and was with her teacher when the class was informed of the death of your……………

I have written to all parents so that they know what has happened and why their children may be upset.

I will ring you in the next few days to see if we can help in any way as you begin to make arrangements for the funeral. If you have any concerns about…………….. please let us know so that we can try and help.

Yours Sincerely Prayers

Death of a Child O God, he is your servant and the son of your servant. You did create him and sustain him and bring him to death and You will give him life. O God, make him for his parents an anticipation, riches sent on before, a reward which precedes… Let neither us nor them be seduced by temptation after his departure and give him in exchange for his earthly home a better dwelling place. Muslim Devotions

Death of a Child O merciful God, Your Son Jesus Christ took children in his arms and blessed them, we commit this child (name) to your care. We ask you to surround his/her parents with your love so that they are not overwhelmed by grief, but, supported by their family and friends, they may in due course rediscover meaning and hope. Amen. Marcus Braybrooke

A Time to be Born and a Time to Die For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Bible: The Book of Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

Nothing Can Separate Us From the Love of God Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword…? Nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus Our Lord. Bible: St Paul, Romans 8: 35-39

Tell it Again and Again This has happened to us, we tell it again and again. We pour out our hearts, full of grief. You are in heaven hear our prayer. You, O Eternal, are a God of mercy and compassion. Forms of Prayer for Jewish Worship God Be In My Head Safe in God’s Hands God be in my head, All our laughter, all our sadness, And in my understanding: Safe now in God’s hands.

God be in my eyes, All our anger, all our gladness, And in my looking: Safe now in God’s hands.

God be in my mouth, All our stories, all our memories, And in my speaking: Safe now in God’s hands.

God be in my heart, Those we remember, those we love, And in my thinking: Safe now in God’s hands. Ruth Burgess God be at mine end, And at my departing. Pynson’s Hoare (1514)

What is Dying? What is dying? I am standing on the sea-shore. A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her till at last she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, ‘She is gone’. Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all; she is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.

The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her; and just at the moments when someone at my side says, ‘She is gone’, there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up a glad shout, ‘There she comes’ – and that is dying. Bishop Brent

We Can Never be Separated From God God Gives Life and Death God is sitting inside you, Say, ‘It is God who Nearer than your hands and feet. Gives you life, then The distance between you and God Gives you death; then Is as thin as an insect’s wing. He will gather you together We can never be separated from God, For the Day of Judgement’. Neither at birth nor at death. Qur’an 45: 26 A Sikh Prayer

Tears Almighty God, Father of all mankind, in your Son you took upon yourself the world’s sorrow. We offer you our own sorrow and sadness knowing that you can help us to bear our grief through the infinite understanding and love of Jesus Christ our Lord. Be Comforted, Be at Peace Be comforted. Be comforted, dear ones; There is eternal life for all souls who love God, Who is love; and where there is love there can be no separation. Your loved one is by your side. Death cannot separate you. Be comforted and at peace. A Saying of White Eagle

Bereavement Lord God, Father and creator of us all, thank you for… We feel very sad. Through our own sadness, help us to understand the sadness of others and try to make the world a kinder place.

The Death of a Grandparent Lord in heaven, you have promised us new life through your Son, Jesus Christ; help us to live with that promise in our hearts and in our lives, so that our sadness can be turned by you into blessing and strength in the days ahead.

On the Death of a Grandparent Dear Lord, thank you for grandparents. My gran was fun. She used to laugh a lot and read me stories. She was warm and friendly. I’ll miss her now she’s dead. But I know I’m lucky – Some children never even meet their grandparents. It’s funny to think that one day I’ll be old like my gran. I hope I’ll be as smiley and kind as her. Thank you, Lord, for grandparents.

References: Braybrooke, Marcus (2003) World Prayers 1000. John Hunt Publishing.

Herbert, Christopher (ed) (1993) Prayers for Children. National Society/Church House Publishing.

Updated August 2017